Author Topic: do you fear yourself?  (Read 9119 times)

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Natasha

do you fear yourself?
« on: April 27, 2008, 12:11:36 pm »
i never did when i should have had. now i'm better at self control. me thinks.

Yvonne

Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2008, 01:53:44 pm »
Always and all the times about my health, my financial stability, my life and everything around me and I think most peeps do that.

lisagurl

Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2008, 02:07:49 pm »
It was Roosevelt, "The only thing we have to fear, is fear it self."

Offline Pica Pica

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Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2008, 02:11:01 pm »
I fear my lack of concern more then my lack of control.
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Offline Nero

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Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2008, 02:43:32 pm »
When I'm angry, I do.
Nero was the Forum Admin here at Susan's Place for several years up to the time of his death.

tinkerbell

Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2008, 08:45:43 pm »
It's no so much myself that I fear. What I do fear is making wrong decisions, failure and rejection.  I would never do anything intentionally to harm myself or to jeopardize my health or welfare anymore.  I did it in the past, and I regret it deeply.


tink :icon_chick:

NicholeW.

Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2008, 08:52:21 pm »
Fear myself. Not so much. I did for a long time, doing stuff that was simply too risky and just plain death-wishy. (I know that's not a word.)

Honestly, I love life way to much to go back there again.

N~

mr_marc

Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2008, 04:26:28 pm »
Sometimes i do, when i have a 'swing'.
But, im better than i was and am getting better.
I dont wanna let the things that are bad and i can change control my life=]
Slowly but surely, im starting to get better.

Rowan_Danielle

Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #8 on: May 08, 2008, 05:11:58 pm »
Sometimes, when I do things on impulse or in anger.

Of course, on an intellectual level, if I ever end up in a situation where I've lost family and friends and don't have a legal remedy because of illegal actions, then watch out world. 

I hope I never get in that situation though.

Moira Midnigh

Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #9 on: May 08, 2008, 05:53:32 pm »
Most of the time.

I don't trust myself not to do something stupid (and I've proved to myself more than a lot that I shouldn't trust me!)

I sometimes feel it would not take a lot more to push me over the edge. And I mean a very physical edge, here.


~Moi

Jeannette

Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #10 on: July 04, 2008, 03:58:22 am »
I have a fear of never knowing what it is like to just be content.  I've fought all my life to know how it's to be unequivocally happy & I'm not stopping.


April221

Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #11 on: July 05, 2008, 03:43:05 pm »
I fear myself with good reason. I have absolute and total self acceptance in myself as April and I have respect in myself as a woman. Unfortunately, I only became aware of what transition and TS were within the last year, and even though I'm seeing a therapist, having electrolysis, and am looking forward to living full time and having SRS, I don't trust myself to be patient enough to see the process through to the end. I have a deep rooted hatred of the male image that I was forced to present in order to best survive and earn a living. Two suicide attempts that miraculously failed, and I'm constantly wondering if I should just say "the hell with it," and try a third and final time.

Much of the conversation with the therapist concerns my post transition goals. I seldom leave my home...I only go out if there is a reason, like a prescription to pick up or to go grocery shopping. Is that going to work as my Real Life Experience? I don't know, but the situation is that I just don't want to do anything. I've been totally aware of my cross gendered being for over 50 years, and I've always been happy whenever I lived as myself, but having to live as a male in order to best support myself has left me totally drained emotionally, and with an attitude that I just have to end the conflict between April and my male persona. I've had a terrible life, and I just don't know if I'll be able to last long enough to see the process of transition through SRS and a life in the gender role that I should have had from birth.

Ell

Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #12 on: July 05, 2008, 06:06:25 pm »
I fear myself with good reason. I have absolute and total self acceptance in myself as April and I have respect in myself as a woman. Unfortunately, I only became aware of what transition and TS were within the last year, and even though I'm seeing a therapist, having electrolysis, and am looking forward to living full time and having SRS, I don't trust myself to be patient enough to see the process through to the end. I have a deep rooted hatred of the male image that I was forced to present in order to best survive and earn a living. Two suicide attempts that miraculously failed, and I'm constantly wondering if I should just say "the hell with it," and try a third and final time.

Much of the conversation with the therapist concerns my post transition goals. I seldom leave my home...I only go out if there is a reason, like a prescription to pick up or to go grocery shopping. Is that going to work as my Real Life Experience? I don't know, but the situation is that I just don't want to do anything. I've been totally aware of my cross gendered being for over 50 years, and I've always been happy whenever I lived as myself, but having to live as a male in order to best support myself has left me totally drained emotionally, and with an attitude that I just have to end the conflict between April and my male persona. I've had a terrible life, and I just don't know if I'll be able to last long enough to see the process of transition through SRS and a life in the gender role that I should have had from birth.

i get terribly depressed at times, too. but i don't feel that it is right for me to blame it on one thing more so than another.

to do so means i really have an intimate understanding of the workings of my own mind, um, when actually, i don't.

i go to a therapist and she says, "you behave in such and such a way, because you have such and such in your past."

then i try to work through that problem, and i see that my depression is still lurking like an evil presence in a dark corner. waiting.

well, at some point i have to try and address this awful depression without establishing its cause or laying blame to someone that wronged me in the past. i have feared myself in the past, certainly. then for years i went kinda numb. that interim of "pretending nothing's wrong" gave me some time to accomplish some life goals, but, of course, also sorta packaged up my depression for opening and addressing later (uh, one hopes, before it explodes).

going full-time and getting srs may be great remedies, but i would suggest that depression is way complex, and should be addressed concomitantly along with the GID, which, you know, may or may not be the sole reason for one's depression.

Please hang in there, k?

-Ell

ps.
these are just my opinions, and should not be regarded as therapeutic, nor in any way take the place of professional advice.

Drik

Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #13 on: July 05, 2008, 06:47:50 pm »
I used to fear myself, now I can deal with the fact that I sometimes want everyone around me to die.

Offline Lisbeth

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Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #14 on: July 05, 2008, 07:15:50 pm »
I'm too afraid of being abandoned to be afraid of myself.

i go to a therapist and she says, "you behave in such and such a way, because you have such and such in your past."

then i try to work through that problem, and i see that my depression is still lurking like an evil presence in a dark corner. waiting.

You are very correct.  The depression may have its origins in this or that.  But after a time it takes on a life of its own.
"Anyone who attempts to play the 'real transsexual' card should be summarily dismissed, as they are merely engaging in name calling rather than serious debate."
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http://juliaserano.blogspot.com/2011/09/transsexual-versus-transgender.html

jenny_

Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #15 on: July 05, 2008, 07:19:29 pm »
I do a little, because i know what i'm capable of doing to myself.

trapthavok

Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #16 on: July 05, 2008, 07:30:23 pm »
I always fear myself cause I'm never honest. I lie to myself and look for the approval of others to see who I'm supposed to be how I'm supposed to act.

Janet_Girl

Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #17 on: July 05, 2008, 07:37:42 pm »
Sometimes, especially when I am angry.  I have an explosive temper.

Anyone who really knows me will attest to that.  I like to say " 0 to Bi**h in 3.2 seconds". Most would say that's slow.

Janet

NicholeW.

Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #18 on: July 05, 2008, 07:40:59 pm »
Sometimes, especially when I am angry.  I have an explosive temper.

Anyone who really knows me will attest to that.  I like to say " 0 to Bi**h in 3.2 seconds". Most would say that's slow.

Janet

Yep, Janet, for many of us that is walking speed!! LOL

Hugs,

Nichole

RebeccaFog

Re: do you fear yourself?
« Reply #19 on: July 06, 2008, 06:49:26 pm »
It was Roosevelt, "The only thing we have to fear, is fear it self."
I thought it was, "The only thing we have to wear is underwear itself." It was hard times back then. Kind of like now, but without Al Gore.

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