Author Topic: supporting my spouse  (Read 5048 times)

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Offline Alison

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supporting my spouse
« on: June 13, 2005, 10:26:36 pm »
Well, my name is Alison... I married my husband about a month ago..  before we married, we dated for 2 and a half years or so, and lived together for 2 years of that time... we met on an internet game, where he played a female character... although this was very common in that game for guys to play girls... I took him for face value and thought he was one of my best girlfriend on the internet lol.... we were pretty close, and It came out he was a guy... well it didn't take long at all after that... i loved him with all my heart....

during our sexual exploring with each other during the relationship, he told me about his affinity for stockings.... he loved me in them, he liked them on himself.... I was very ok with this... what can i say, it was sexy /blush lol..

anyhow, after about a week after being married, bless his heart he finally got the courage to tell me how he felt.... a woman in a man's body.... after the initial shock... and the logic process my brain took ... ( he is a woman, likes to dress in womens clothes, what if he doesn't find me attractive, what if he likes men, OMG HES GAY! )  I understood compleatly.... all the 'hints and clues' added up.... and it just.... turned a light on inside him... he WAS a different person after that, in a REALLY good way...


it has been a little difficult, he suffers some embarrasment, he's overwhelmed with emotions , we both are really... (obviously)... we're trying to keep communication lines open, and to take this one step at a time... learn as we go :)

anyway... what I'm doing here is to figure out how to support him through this.... we're definetly not ready to tell anyone else yet, what we're trying to do now is let him explore that side of himself in safety, in our apartment, with just the two of us....



Offline Alison

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Re: supporting my spouse
« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2005, 10:28:23 pm »
Oh, I was "supportive wife" in the chat last night, I have already met several of you wonderful people, though names are really escaping me at the moment.... sooo bad with names =/

beth_finallyme

Re: supporting my spouse
« Reply #2 on: June 14, 2005, 12:06:08 am »
Welcome Alison,

Thanks for introducing yourself and joining Susan's forum. It sounds like you two are taking this well and exploring your feelings and that is a good start.


Quote
anyway... what I'm doing here is to figure out how to support him through this....


I don't know how your spouse feels, but it may be that you need to support "her". Ask and see. My partner using she and her and my real name (beth)  before I am fulltime is very comforting to me. I wish you both continued love and happiness and hope you both stay and chat with us



beth.

Debtv

Re: supporting my spouse
« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2005, 01:23:00 am »
Hello Alison,

You are one of those rare and open minded women all of us cd/tv's hope to meet in life. Power to you!! As I have tried to say many times here, to be a hetero tv....and meet a woman who is into it (we been together 6 years)....can be an eye opener for the tv!

I have a woman who loves me...and loves that I am tv. She says it makes me a more tender, better man...verses men who want to control her and don't care about her satisfaction.

Your mate is a lucky one...like me. Please if you want to visti with us about what you both are going threw...just private massage us. Although.....it might be better to talk about it here....so we all can learn and see how it is for us tv's who love women.

Love
Deb

4years

Re: supporting my spouse
« Reply #4 on: June 14, 2005, 05:33:11 pm »
Hello Alison and welcome to Susan’s most wonderful Place (=

It is always nice to hear from a supportive spouse!


I don't know how your spouse feels, but it may be that you need to support "her". Ask and see. My partner using she and her and my real name (beth)  before I am fulltime is very comforting to me.
I think Beth has a very good suggestion here.

Other than that, I advise to really communicate very very well. But really, that is very good advice for any couple (=

Please feel free to join in the conversations.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2007, 03:28:21 pm by beth »

Drew

Re: supporting my spouse
« Reply #5 on: June 15, 2005, 07:32:18 pm »
Here's to supportive spouses!  I hope that my partner will hang in there with me.  Beth, does your post mean that your partner is still with you?  I hope that this is the case.  I would like to think that folks can stick by their spouses for who they are inside, not just who they are gender-wise.  Gives me a little hope. ^-^

beth

Re: supporting my spouse
« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2005, 11:27:13 pm »
 Drew,

                        I have heard of lots of spouses that have stayed and supported their partner thru transition. there is reason to believe it is very possible.

                       I am seperated from my wife of 30 years, but it wasn't because i told her who i was, i havent told her or my children yet. my transsexuality was an indirect cause of our problems because i was always depressed and i just didnt feel that she could help me in anyway whether i told her or not.

             


beth
« Last Edit: December 04, 2005, 09:42:10 am by beth »

Drew

Re: supporting my spouse
« Reply #7 on: June 16, 2005, 08:36:28 am »
Wow,
good for you, Beth!  I wish things could work out this way for everybody.  I want everybody to love the individual, not the external "parts".  Then, of course, I realize (I've read this, anyway) that hormones affect the way a person thinks.  So it seems likely that there is some "change" in the personality of FTM's and MTF's.   I have read horror stories of spouses who are so shocked/disgusted, they insist that their trans partner either cease and desist from transitioning, or hit the road.  While I truly can't imagine the shock of receiving this kind of news, I would think that love for each other and their history together would at least hold a couple together to TRY to work things out.  Too, I can sit here and preach about how an individual should be loved for who they are, and not for their external "parts", yet part of my own issue is accepting the "parts" that I was born with!  I think this forum will be good for me, as I will be able to see the positive situations, like yours.  Man, I really need to get to a therapist.  I am waiting for my new insurance to kick in.  Definitey don't want to do anything at this point to jeopardize my coverage.

End of long, rambling message...
Drew

Offline Dennis

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Re: supporting my spouse
« Reply #8 on: June 16, 2005, 09:46:22 am »
Hormones don't change your personality. Or much of the way you think. Some people may become less depressed or less angry or more self-confident because they are doing something about their condition, but there aren't major personality changes.

Some FTM's report being more quick to anger, but many others do not.

Dennis

Drew

Re: supporting my spouse
« Reply #9 on: June 16, 2005, 07:23:07 pm »
Dennis,
This is good to know.  I have read in the sites of MTF's that female hormones made them "think and feel" differently.  I can't imagine myself really thinking and feeling differently, but I cry about as much as the average construction worker already.  And I am technically female.  I am already worrying about how I will behave when I am transitioning.  For example, I have a beef with a neighbor lady.  She has a free-roaming cat that kills every bit of wild-life in my yard, plus pollutes my garden with his voluminous dumps.  To make a long story short, I have asked her numerous times to keep him inside (it's the law here) which she ignored.  The other night, it started a fight with my cats through my living room window(my cats are inside cats).  At four a:m.  I am an insomniac, and had just fallen asleep.  I grabbed the disciplinary squirt bottle, saw her cat, and blasted him a good one.  Then, I went over to her house and pounded on her door.  Many times.  No answer.  I went home and called her.  I have since wondered...if I look like a male, and sound like a male, my dealings with women will have to change.  Even if a woman is a supreme a-hole, I will have to temper myself, or come across as a real threat.  This is something I have never had to consider before in my life!  It is helpful to know that you don't really feel that differently.  I don't want to lose the "ME" that is me.
Drew

beth

Re: supporting my spouse
« Reply #10 on: June 16, 2005, 11:48:25 pm »
As soon as i started Hrt i have had  a general feeling of well being, but i think it is just because i am finally starting to become myself and not anything chemical. i take a testosterone blocker, and i have heard stories of much less anger etc from losing T but i havent noticed anything like that, my anger started to subside when i decided to transition before hrt.


Drew

Re: supporting my spouse
« Reply #11 on: June 17, 2005, 10:05:06 am »
Beth,
do you find that your depression has dissipated/disappeared now that you are in transition?    Depression has been an issue for me for many years.  I have been off all meds now for five months and I am doing really well lately.  I don't know if it's because I have opened up to a few people about my stuff, or if it is just a temporary cycling thing. 

stephanie_craxford

Re: supporting my spouse
« Reply #12 on: June 17, 2005, 01:30:52 pm »
Alison.

Supportive spouses are a rare, and special person.  I am blessed with being married to one of these most wonderful people.  My wife and I have been at this for many years (going on 33), and through her strength the journey has been much more bearable, for many reasons.  Some are; she is - a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, someone who understands, someone to criticize, someone to keep you focused, someone to bring you back to earth and reality, someone to advise, she is an ally and a friend, and someone who will defend you, but most of all someone who will love you.  These are just a few that quickly come to mind, there are many more.

One of the most important things for both spouses to remember is to communicate, comunicate, comunicate, be honest, loving and caring.  It can be a tough haul but there are lights at the ends of those tunnels you may find yourself looking into.  Susans is one place to start.  Welcome, relax and enjoy your stay.





beth

Re: supporting my spouse
« Reply #13 on: June 18, 2005, 12:24:57 am »
Drew,

            dissapated greatly but not disappeared. the difference is before i knew why i was depressed and considered the reason unsolveable, so there was no escape. now i have small bouts of depression that just come on for no apparent reason but usually are gone by the next day. i think im just shell shocked from all those years......        :icon_zombie:




beth

Tali320166

Re: supporting my spouse
« Reply #14 on: June 18, 2005, 02:38:17 am »
Hello All,

I'm new to this forum and new to the whole process. My spouse "came out" to me about 10 months ago after 13 years of marriage and 17 years of knowing each other.  We've literally grown up together.  I've tried to move on with my life, but I am still deeply in love.  I'm curious to know others experience/advice on how they were able to get past the sense of betrayal, fear of others rejecting you if you stay, the idea that if you stay you will be in a lesbian/gay relationship instead of a hetersexual one (at least to the outside world), how to deal with the <not allowed> spouses family when they are not taking the news well and all those other fun feelings that us SOs have.

I have to say that my SO has been great in giving me a lot of space and is still very much in love with me as well.

Thanks to all!  Suzanne

Offline Alison

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Re: supporting my spouse
« Reply #15 on: June 18, 2005, 06:35:19 pm »
Hey Tali!!

Come join me here in Significant others talk ( https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,26.0.html )  I'd love to chat with you :)

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