Author Topic: bad day  (Read 9994 times)

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Underground Panther

bad day
« on: June 20, 2006, 08:14:26 pm »
I just hate this.
I want to walk outside,but it's 90 degrees and humid and the heat in of itself isn't the problem.

I don't want to have to wear shorts and go out walking alongside the road with my chest all hanging..
I really hate this, because the cow bits jangle when I walk and I can't hide them so easy in hot weather.DD is hard to hide. If I lose weight I look more feminine and I get hooted at in the most degrading way. It just is so uncomfortable..It's the most hidious catch 22.I hate it.  I hate my life.I would just love to go walk outside, without a vest , even better in my wildest dreams with no shirt,without a binding tight bra to clamp these hidious pieces of <not allowed> on my chest still,without resorting to layers to hide these cursed  <not allowed> in 90 degree heat and sweat like a stuck pig.. I wish I was dead. Or these damn <not allowed> would just all off, wither away,get cancer so medical assistance would be force to cut these damn things off of me.

I hate  these <not allowed>,I pound them black and blue! I sometimes feel like getting a knife and stabbing them.This is how much I hate these things.Why why is my body so <not allowed> up!! Why why did I have to be born  this way to be tormented like this?

I wish I was never born..
I am venting and I don't know how to express this horrid feeling to anyone else really.I feel like I'm gonna explode.
So has been a jerk to me for a very long time.. ( been Thinking of making him leave for the past 3 years,And recently the realizxation his of how much I have lost.)and I can't boot him right now he is going through serious <not allowed>( his father had a heart attack) and I ain't that cold to  go kick someone out who's scared thier father may die.
And I can't afford this place on my own,anyways. I have got to relearn the bus system but that requires I go outside and suffer the sweaty sticky swaying <not allowed>,reminding me of how wrong I feel making it worse. I feel so inhibited and like everyone is watching the <not allowed> sway.It's so hard to deal with it,I wish I could just make them go away.
 I don't have any support for myself these days I see a therapist every other week, and that's it. I get no support from anyone  else who would understand,because I don't have freinds anymore. My relationship with the SO has basically has alienated me from my freinds..So it ruined my life and it has isolated me.And I enabled it. I feel like such a dunbass. And  now I am really stuck, in a miserable relationship,in a miserable bosdy,in a miserable town a miserable life..so I deal with this dispair I feel  by myself and sometimes it ain't easy to do..So I type it out here.I hope I didn't offend anyone. I'm not in danger of suicide I am just really in a bad spot now that's all.
Thanks for listening.

Melissa

Re: bad day
« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2006, 08:34:39 pm »
I'm not offended at all.  That's about the same way I feel about this cursed appendage betwen my legs.

Melissa

Kimberly

Re: bad day
« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2006, 08:54:25 pm »
Body dysphoria is a drag this is unfortunately so very VERY true. However, I have found that usually and often especially in the unpleasant lives there is often something to be learned in the unpleasantness.

*shrug* It does not ease the pain really, but it does give some measure of meaning to the mess.

When in doubt look on the bright side, there always is one you know...

stephanie_craxford

Re: bad day
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2006, 08:59:48 pm »
Hey there's no offense taken here, you're fitting in just fine actually.  As Melissa mentioned, many here hate the deformities they are cursed with, and some have even taken the drastic step of trying to correct the problem themselves (moi aussi).

We all wished that life was simpler but we know better don't we.  There's no magic wand, magic powder, divine intervention (unless you consider accidents) so we are stuck.  Or we would be stuck if we let these things get us down.  We know there's nothing we can do but do our best to go forward, come hell or high water, and for some of us - die trying.  Notice I said die trying, not die giving up.  Some would say that I've had a pretty charmed transition, and I would agree to a point, however the agony I feel inside I rarely show, I guess that shows weakness on my part.

I would refer you to some Monty Python songs but I feel that some how they are not appropriate in this case.  Venting here is far more preferable than some of the alternatives.  At least here at Susan's there are people who will hear you, listen to you, and be with you as much as they can.  "Your <not allowed> are not going to go away"  yep thats right, maybe not in the near future but talk with your friends here who are suffering as you are and see what solutions they use to overcome these feelings.

I can remember my first venture in to the wild.  It was a few years ago now, and I looked and felt hideous.  I hadn't gotten more that 20 or so paces from my car and I was frozen to the side walk in fear, I managed to get back to the car and started crying over similar things you are facing, how I was such a coward, how I was so ugly, how I looked like a MAN.  This fear kept me inside, hidden for many months until I reached the breaking point, I just could stand it anymore.  I had to go out or die trying.  I did and it worked.

Steph

tinkerbell

Re: bad day
« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2006, 09:06:09 pm »
et moi aussi ;)
We don't feel offended at all.  We all have our own "nasty things" we want to get rid of.  You've come to the right place.  Remember that after the long night, comes a sunny day... :D

tinkerbell

Offline Nero

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Re: bad day
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2006, 09:06:33 pm »
I feel you, Panther.
I hate mine too. And I'd be getting rid of them right now, if I didn't have to see a gender therapist to get a letter declaring me insane in order to get the godforsaken things removed.
I cringe when I take a shower, I can't stand how feminine they look. I've actually had women tell me they're jealous of them.  :icon_blah:
The only things that bother me are my chest and my voice, if I can get those taken care of I'll be just fine.
I know it sucks but hang in there.

Nero
Nero was the Forum Admin here at Susan's Place for several years up to the time of his death.

TheBattler

Re: bad day
« Reply #6 on: June 20, 2006, 09:21:43 pm »
Hi Pather,

I have been having a lot of bad days latly and I vented to one of my friends last Saturday about the curse of being <not allowed>.  I also vented a bit in the chat rooms and hope the log of those few days are lost. I now find myself laughing today so remeber good days will always follow the bad days.

Alice

Offline heatherrose

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Re: bad day
« Reply #7 on: June 20, 2006, 10:16:05 pm »
You are not pounding sand, screaming into the wind, or shouting down a well here. We care, understand and have been there one time or another. VENT ON!
"I have always wanted to have a neighbor just like you,
I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you.

So let's make the most of this beautiful day,
Since we're together, we might as well say,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my neighbor?" - Fred Rogers

Offline HelenW

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Re: bad day
« Reply #8 on: June 21, 2006, 05:24:12 am »
Hang in there, Panther.  Vent all you want, that's why we're here.

helen
FKA: Emelye

Pronouns: she/her

My rarely updated blog: http://emelyes-kitchen.blogspot.com

Southwestern New York trans support: http://www.southerntiertrans.org/

Underground Panther

Re: bad day
« Reply #9 on: June 22, 2006, 10:25:04 pm »

 Steph wrote:<I can remember my first venture in to the wild.  It was a few years ago now, and I looked and felt hideous.  I hadn't gotten more that 20 or so paces from my car and I was frozen to the side walk in fear, I managed to get back to the car and started crying over similar things you are facing, how I was such a coward, how I was so ugly, how I looked like a MAN.  This fear kept me inside, hidden for many months until I reached the breaking point, I just could stand it anymore.  I had to go out or die trying.  I did and it worked.>

This is what gets me. I am frozen stiff. I just can't do it. I am being pressured on so many sides including within myself to go out,build a life ect.ect.But there is something too horrid about stepping outside,alone.
Walking alone by the side of the road. I can't do it I freeze up.
I feel positive about it until I slip on my vest realizing,there the tumors are, open the door I CRANK up my Ipod  with some thrasher type music just to tolerate and distract from the miasma of  vicious emotions and drown out the ambient noise of  people,people with thier greedy eyes,i and vicious snarky mouths wishing  I could make them blind just for the moment I walk past.

The emotions hit me like a tidal wave as I step onto the porch and shut the door.I feel so damn crazy trapped and so so sad.Sometimes  it's so intense ,without thinking I go back inside and get the big butcher knife out, look at the blade feel how sharp, I get the nice one that I got on sale that is an 80 dollar beauty that slices watermelons with no effort..and as I hold it, I can so clearly see myself laying a tit on the cutting board and hack! In one chop. Gone. I also know if I did that I'd bleed to death too. So I put it back in the block,tell myself no,the stupid doctors wouldn't understand why I did it,they'd try to save and re attach it because they are not gonna listen to me.

These  gender comfy people never listen to what they can't understand  anyways. Than the reoply thought is... well lets see if they'd save it if I tossed it in the toilet after I took a dump,or it the cat litter box, and contaminated it? The EMT's would never check the toilet  or the cat box for the missing tit... It's so damn nuts,. I am so  scared to tell anyone this, not even my therapist ..in fact this is the first time I told anyone this is one of the reasons I don't go wandering around out here.I get crazy.
I have suicidal feelings, alot ,I don't act on them ,but sometimes I  do still do superficial cuts on my skin and keep it hid to control the emotions inside.

And  if I push myself,tell myself to just do it get over this bs,have some guts,just walk dammit  it gets more intense. I swear it's  almost  like agoraphobia.But it isn't. It's The damn gender thing.
I do fine out when I am not walking the roadside alone other people around makes it seem I am not being looked at..

I like walking at night.Nightime is safe.Plus no  people out at 3 am.
I'm told I need to excercise more for my health,and I agree..My body hungers to move,to dance, to climb trees... but I'm frozen.In jail.
Conflicted to my core.

And no way out for want of MONEY Money money money.For the right amount of paper,I live like this. I hate money I just hate the grab all you can grab and  everybody additude. You got rich mothers who blow it on stuff they never use,status symbols or fancy food or gambling .They blow in a single day way more than what it would cost to free me from this body,and they don't care about me they got thiers,And that's what makes me crazy no requirement to care about antyone elses quality of life in this evil culture. And what burns me is some of these rich bigoted way too comfortable people actively try to legislate what little hope I got away from me ,because deep down they want  all transpeople dead.And I hate it. I hate this world,the system,the culture godammit I hate it ALL..And I know the univeserse is a sadistic piece of <not allowed>..I'll never win the lotto,I'll never be a chosen one for a grant,no oprah gifts for me..I'll never get help on this beyond words.

The only reason I got a hysterectomy was because I was bleeding for months and got anemia. They had to take the blood bag out or I'd die or something. (it was absolute joy for me I could barely contain it)

Why was I ever born? I sometimes hate my mom for birthing me in this world and taking male hormones dry up her breasts, asfter my sister,and getting pregnant on the hormones..that might have been the thing that made me transgender I dunno..The least she could do if she thinks this may be the case,and she has said this,is HELP ME fixit!!..I hate my father too. Mom isn't gonna help  me with the breast problem,I have asked and asked,but she makes excuses.. She has seen me flip out in tears trying to put on bras she has caught me pounding the breasts in the shower in a rage.And she has no empathy. No empathy to care  if it makes her feel uncomfortable and may offend that bigot family of hers. God you cannot imagine how  it felt her betrayal ,the last one..


One day I was putting on a bra and I flipped out again. Mom came into the room trying to comfort me,(she really just wanted me to calm down,she wasen't concerned why I was flioppping out,she was just upset at the fact I was upset) I told her I can't take this <not allowed> anymore,that these <not allowed> have to go, they are driving me crazy. I can't take it..It's killing me... And because she is a  two faced narcissist ....who can't empathize WITH ME,but does with herself..she lied to me and said she'd help me and I could pay her back.
I asked her if she really meant that..she said yes she did. For the next few days I re asked and each time she said she would help me pay for surgery..
I began to believe her,I started to feel hope, I showed her all the info about the surgeons..We settled on Beverly Fischer because she was a good doc and my mom wanted me to go to a good doc. I liked Beverlys work on large chests. So we went to her..
I got my therapist to sign THE PAPER,that reccomended I get a  double masectomy.I went to see Fischer I was so exicited and happy with anticipation I thought I was gonna pass out..I paid her 100 bucks for the consult.

Anyways she saw pictures of other transgu'ys chest reconstruction work,mom seemed impressed with how natural it looked..,Fischer explained to her the procedure,and  said I was a good candidate. Fischer said my chest would turn out excellent.Told my mom the dangers,and a few rare cases where things went wrong.She told mom mosdt cases don't have complications she has done male chest reconstructing for  over 15 years.

My mom in the office said well,don't tell the family down home about this.

She was worried more about what a bunch of fundamentalist rednecks in another state thought of her,more than my sanity.I was offended as hell but squelched it.

The next day she told me she would not help me..I was ready to die on the spot. I felt like killing her first tho.I cried and cried. I wanted to cut my throat ,run in front of a mack truck.

She was using every excuse she could to rationalize why she can't afford it,The driveway needed paving,she wanted to fix things around the house..It was so transparent it made me sick..
She could've helped .We both knew it.

She ended up buying another house,moving to her bigot family because  she says she was depressed because all her freinds were dying,maybe so but I think she was wheedling out of her promise  to me and could not deal with the fact I HATED her for betraying me on this after all these years..after she saw me in my first GYN appointments begging for a hysterectomy and breast removal...."coincidentally" a house next to her fundy sister opened up..for sale.She moved out.. I live in the house here. and I HATE it. It's in a suburb,I hate suburbia life. I hate mowing lawns. I never wanted to live this way.I hate the culture of this town, I grew up here and this town is full of abuse memories of my entire life,I tried so hard to get OUT of this town yet here I am. And I can't afford to maintain this place on SSI alone. SSI to  rent a pplace  in the city?  Bwahahahaha..20 year waiting list for section 8?? Bwaahahaha.Yeah that's an option..

So I am in a ten year empty loveless relationship that is slowly draining the life out of me that I am miserable with to pay for living in a town I hate. To pay for a house I never wanted.A life that is not mine..I am trapped. and miserable on so many levels.And I want to claw myself apart.

Why doesen't death just take me now?

« Last Edit: June 22, 2006, 10:56:47 pm by Leigh »

stephanie_craxford

Re: bad day
« Reply #10 on: June 23, 2006, 08:40:44 am »
So I am in a ten year empty loveless relationship that is slowly draining the life out of me that I am miserable with to pay for living in a town I hate. To pay for a house I never wanted.A life that is not mine..I am trapped. and miserable on so many levels.And I want to claw myself apart.

Why doesen't death just take me now?

On the fear of going out past your front porch why not make that the first step, out on your front porch sitting there and just look at what is going on around you observe things, people etc...  Then when you are comfortable with that the maybe out to the roadway would be a next step.  I'm afraid that I'm no therapist but to sit in despair is pointless.

One thing Underground Panther is that you have to tell your therapist this stuff and not hide it from them, as what is the point of therapy if they don't have all the info.  Why haven't you told them, is it possible that you are afraid of the diagnosis?  If you are unable to open up to your therapist or relate your feelings then make a copy of this thread and take it to your therapist for them to read, it's a possible solution.

At this point, to me you have two choices:

1.  Sit and wallow in your misery and watch your life dissolve in to a hellish end, or

2.  Do something about it,  move, get out of your loveless relationship, change cities, change jobs.  I know, I know it's easy for me or anyone else to say isn't it, but what other choices do you have.

I realise that doing any of this is a massive step to take, probably too much at once but look at concentrating on trying to correct one of those things that is causing you grief.  As I said I'm not a therapist by any stretch of the imagination but to sit and suffer is not the answer.

Steph

Underground Panther

Re: bad day
« Reply #11 on: June 23, 2006, 01:45:27 pm »
Sorry about the cussing in my other post. I forgot the rule that you can't say that stuff here. I got mixed up 'cause some forums allow it others don't I'll remember to watch it next time. I am sorry,really.

As for going out and starting stuff. I am doing that right now.I am working with a couple of agencies about my housing situation, still playing phone tage with two places I've called up..I have one roomate moving in soon a guy I have been freinds with since second grade,to help with costs.

I am doing  other things about getting xtra income in.I am meeting with a core services provider  very soon to talk about selling  my art or doing training to do the things I do do,better so I can try to get work in an art related job. I have been working on it believe me.
I do sit on the porch or the picnic table  in the shade if it's really hot and bright  almost everyday. I take the cats out with me..I do walk outside,but some days it is very hard,harder than others.Nightime is the alternative when the day is too hard to do which happens sometimes like the past couple of days have been .I find myself little motivators like Ohh ,I ran out of milk,I  better get to the store down the road and get  some more and this "purpose" forces me outside.

As for talking to my therapist abut this stuff that is a huge issue. I am beginning to trust him. I have told him some of the feelings and downplayed the intensity of it I just don't feel safe twelling him how intense it is in graphic detail yet.I don't just have Gender issues I have complex  post traumatic stress and part of that stress was caused by  being in bad therapy ,in bad facilities  with bad therapists who were abusive and sadistic to me,and I only touched what I have been through  with bad therapy in the"trans story".Some of the behavior modification was not gender related it was because I defied staff's authority.

Sometimes the types of people who are drawn to care type professions get into it because of the power and control they get over the patients. They get off on it.

This is a problem that the stanford experiament showed very clearly, how authoritarian type situations can make decent people irresponsible or mean  and enables bad people to be downright dangerous. I got trouble for many reasons, one was because I defended other patients who were being abused by the staff tearing them apart.I could not stand by and watch that.

So it takes me a long time to open up to a therapist ,any therapst  even to this day because I am acutely aware he could ,at any time he felt like it, lock me up ,drug me up, all against my will ,all depending on what I say and how I say it to him. I am very wary of power issues due to what I have been through in mental hospitals and residential housing. It drove it home for me when  one disability lawyer I was working with, said  what I went through amounted to torture and she was furious when I was too scared of being mistreated to express how furiuous I really felt too..

I spent 18 months in a 5 by 7  white walled room all alone except for bathroom, breaks,eating and a morning shower. And  I wasen't a prisoner I broke no laws.  I was just a teenager.
I have been given anectine a paralysis drug used for behavior modification,or torture (google it if you want to know what that drug does to you)I have had restraints rub my ankles and wrists raw, I have been through alot in the name of therapy and fixing me so trust in therapists comes slower for me.In the hospitals and with certain doctors I had to supress and hide my thoughts, feelings, emotions abnd downplay it all  lest I be forced to take drugs that made me sick,or be put in the room or stripped down to my underwear  by a bunch of  snickering male aides  pinned down ,wrapped up like a mummy in ice cold sheets and left there for a few hours bound to a table in the white room I hated..or have my incarceration extended 6 months.

So this is why I have a very difficult time with therapy. On one hand I know I need help on the other I am not sure that help I got right now can be trusted with my real raw emotions yet. I have been with this particular therapist about a year now. He's cool so far. I think he's a nice guy,I am beginning to open up to him and it is stirring up a hornets nest within me.It's hard to cope with overcoming the negitive conditioning..I got to do it I have no other choice but to move forward or die trying but it's  a war within.A conflict to my core. It hurts,but Trust/Don't trust..That's why I am venting here.

You all said,I can vent here,Besides  it appears that you all go through similar feelings in your own respective ways  and you all have over come some of it and some still struggle too and can understand these subjects in ways people who are not transgender can't grok so it isn't all that strange to you.I am trying to trust and change and it is not easy or simple.I very much appreciate the support here.Thanks to all of you,and to you susan for inviting me here.I never meant to offend.

 And again I apologize for the cuss words in that other post.My bad. :)

Melissa

Re: bad day
« Reply #12 on: June 23, 2006, 02:20:54 pm »
I think he's a nice guy,I am beginning to open up to him and it is stirring up a hornets nest within me.

I understand that one.  When I started seeing therapists, I went into a deep depression and started having panic attacks.  It wasn't until I started HRT that I was able to start calming down.

I am sorry you had to go through such torture and bad therapy.  You are able to write about a lot of it here.  It may be beneficial to write out some material ahead of time and just let your therapist read it.  I found this to be a far more productive mechanism for me.

Melissa

Underground Panther

Re: bad day
« Reply #13 on: June 23, 2006, 03:06:39 pm »
Hormones? Does it really help emotions?
 I still got ovaries in there,what would happen if I took male hormones ? Would it be bad conflict ,or would it overpower the ovaries and just shrivel them away or something? I am 40,I'll be menopausal soon or maybe I am already starting I don't know.I get ovulation pain still.

I do know getting the uterus out calmed me down tremendously. It even shocked me. Looking at it like this it seemed when a source of female hormones  in my body was removed a calm washed over me I never felt before.I felt calmer a few days after that surgery than I had in years..But it wasen't done for SRS reasons. When I had it done it was to stop uncontrollable uterine  bleeding. So I was just glad to get the uterus out of me at the time and I amazed I was aso emotionally stable for awhile,and  it calmed the gender issues for a few years (I was just coming out trans than to others) but now it's all back and hurting  with a vengance and it's the chest this time..
Could hormones help me cope ? I wonder how does it change you emotionally?

I also wonder does the push to transition  ever stop? It seems when I  think it is done(uterus out) and  I will be able to cope, the "problem" is out.... I get pushed ,go through  this torment and want changes until  I am transitioned to the exact point where  my body in of itself  is satisfied with the situation biologically. It's like I have no choice in this and it is very uncmfortable to say this. I dunno why but it's kinda scary..regardless of my psychology and efforts at therapy,regardless of what I can afford to get done, ornot,Regardless of  what I think I want or don't want done ..It seems true that I must change  regardless of every obstacle the world or myself puts in front of myself and  I get pushed  from some soy=urce deep wqithin something I cannot understand and I am not consious of,to  transition until my  body is in balance within itself,as it should have been all along. It seems so "trapped by destiny" it feels so out of my control.This to me seems like what is going on with me and It is hard to deal. When I got my uterus out I thought that would stop  all this gender stuff ,but  it didn't forever. I feel pushed to change again and of course money is in the way like it is for most everyone.. So..It hurts. Like it did when the uterus was making me crazy and my emotions are all over the place.

Should I do "T" ? Can I? With ovaries in there still? Would Tmake it easier on me to deal with these things and buy me time? Make my body balanced more? Which in turn may balance my emotions more? Would it help shrink the <not allowed> away?  I already go to an endricrineologist, for other issues, (I can't absorb certain vitamins for some weird reason)...If I ask my therapist to write an order for her to put me on Testosterone  would she be the right person to go to for it? BTW the endicrineologist I go to is awesome, I love her to pieces. She knows I am trans too. She might be willing. I don't know are the risks worth it? Would a small dose stabilize me but not cause danger? I just don't know about  hormones alot.


A side question. for facial hair.. I am part Native American and my father never could grow a beard. He tried but  it always was scraggly. So I get a good amount of chin  hairs, but I pluck them out because they are scraggly. I get mustache hairs that are long and tickle my lip ad get quite obvious but it is scraggly.. I wonder would T cause more scraggles or would I get a real beard and mustache?
Or would I have to just get it all lazered off because it won't fill in anyway? Anyone else on the board have Native American heritige and scraggle beard issues? What do you do? I think if I could grow a beard I'd love to do fun stuff with it..like braid it viking style ,grow it long,like zz top,and sculpt it by shaving areas.Dye it.streak it,dread it,make it a massive fringe around my face like a lions ruff..I could have alot of fun with it.

Melissa

Re: bad day
« Reply #14 on: June 23, 2006, 03:59:33 pm »
I honestly can't tell you how T would make you feel mentally.  All I know is that E was what my body needed and when I got it, it helped a lot.

Quote
Should I do "T" ? Can I? With ovaries in there still?
Yes you can.  Just about every FTM does it with ovaries still intact.  T easily overpowers E and that is the reason MTFs need to take anti-androgens as well.

Quote
Would it help shrink the <not allowed> away?
Not completely, but some fat in them would probably redistribute around your body.

Quote
I also wonder does the push to transition  ever stop?
I think everyone eventually reaches an equillibrium.

I can't say much about the beard, other than you would most likely end up like your father.

Hope that helps.

Melissa

Owen

Re: bad day
« Reply #15 on: June 23, 2006, 04:23:01 pm »
 Hey Panther It's good to vent get it out. Its healthy. I sometimes have to vent too. I feel pretty much the same about my appendage as well. Sometimes I wish it would fall off. I dream of waking up some morning and not seeing the ugly thing between my legs.

Hang in there Panther

weon
love being female

stephanie_craxford

Re: bad day
« Reply #16 on: June 23, 2006, 05:54:29 pm »
Hormones? Does it really help emotions?
 I still got ovaries in there,what would happen if I took male hormones ? Would it be bad conflict ,or would it overpower the ovaries and just shrivel them away or something? I am 40,I'll be menopausal soon or maybe I am already starting I don't know.I get ovulation pain still.

I do know getting the uterus out calmed me down tremendously. It even shocked me. Looking at it like this it seemed when a source of female hormones  in my body was removed a calm washed over me I never felt before.I felt calmer a few days after that surgery than I had in years..But it wasen't done for SRS reasons. When I had it done it was to stop uncontrollable uterine  bleeding. So I was just glad to get the uterus out of me at the time and I amazed I was aso emotionally stable for awhile,and  it calmed the gender issues for a few years (I was just coming out trans than to others) but now it's all back and hurting  with a vengance and it's the chest this time..
Could hormones help me cope ? I wonder how does it change you emotionally?

This is a popular question, however from the literature I have read on this there doesn't seem to be a definite answer one way or the other.  It is felt that when a person finally starts HRT that the euphoria of the moment is a result of releif that the journey has started, that they are finally becoming who they were meant to be etc...  For myself I didn't experience any emotional change when I started HRT.  I believe that you won't find out until you actually begin as each of us react differently to HRT.  I feel that the FtM members are in a better position to relate their experiences.

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I also wonder does the push to transition  ever stop? It seems when I  think it is done(uterus out) and  I will be able to cope, the "problem" is out.... I get pushed ,go through  this torment and want changes until  I am transitioned to the exact point where  my body in of itself  is satisfied with the situation biologically. It's like I have no choice in this and it is very uncmfortable to say this. I dunno why but it's kinda scary..regardless of my psychology and efforts at therapy,regardless of what I can afford to get done, ornot,Regardless of  what I think I want or don't want done ..It seems true that I must change  regardless of every obstacle the world or myself puts in front of myself and  I get pushed  from some soy=urce deep wqithin something I cannot understand and I am not consious of,to  transition until my  body is in balance within itself,as it should have been all along. It seems so "trapped by destiny" it feels so out of my control.This to me seems like what is going on with me and It is hard to deal. When I got my uterus out I thought that would stop  all this gender stuff ,but  it didn't forever. I feel pushed to change again and of course money is in the way like it is for most everyone.. So..It hurts. Like it did when the uterus was making me crazy and my emotions are all over the place.

Many TS feel this way, and I personally believe that if you are truly TS then you will/must transition as if a TS didn't their life would be sheer torment.  There are those here who feel that transition can be in many forms and i believe that it is also mentioned in the SOC but I didn't check as I wrote this.  Even so I personally don't believe that a true TS could possibly settle for less than complete transition unless it was for reasons out of their control (medical complications etc.).  Simply put to be happy then your body must be in harmony with the mind, anything less will create torment.  I know that there are some who will say that "I don't need GRS/SRS to be a man/woman", but that to me means that you are something other than TS.  (OK you can flame away at me - however my wings are like a shield of steel)  :)

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Should I do "T" ? Can I? With ovaries in there still? Would Tmake it easier on me to deal with these things and buy me time? Make my body balanced more? Which in turn may balance my emotions more? Would it help shrink the <not allowed> away?  I already go to an endricrineologist, for other issues, (I can't absorb certain vitamins for some weird reason)...If I ask my therapist to write an order for her to put me on Testosterone  would she be the right person to go to for it? BTW the endicrineologist I go to is awesome, I love her to pieces. She knows I am trans too. She might be willing. I don't know are the risks worth it? Would a small dose stabilize me but not cause danger? I just don't know about  hormones alot.

You haven't mentioned if you have devoured all the literature on HRT that is available here at Susan's and all over the web, but again this is something you need to see a Dr about you are already seeing an endo so bring the subject up.  Everyone here who has or is going through HRT can relate their particular experience to you and that will be a good foundation to gauge your own outcome.  But you really need to see a Dr where proper tests can be done to see if it is even safe for you to start HRT.  Although taking HRT is relatively safe there are those who are at risk, and you may be one of them.

Oh and by the way there is nothing wrong with your posts, they are in-depth, well thought out and very meaningful.  Rant away.

Steph

P.S. if you haven't already done so check out this link on transsexuality in the Wiki:
https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transsexual


Offline Nero

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Re: bad day
« Reply #17 on: June 24, 2006, 01:05:20 pm »
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Even so I personally don't believe that a true TS could possibly settle for less than complete transition unless it was for reasons out of their control (medical complications etc.) Simply put to be happy then your body has to be in harmony with the mind, anything less will create torment. I know that there are some who will say that "I don't need GRS/SRS to be a man/woman," but that to me means you are something other than TS. (okay, you can flame away at me - however my wings are like a shield of steel.) :)
Okay Steph, you knew this was coming. No flaming involved though, this is a friendly debate and you are entitled to your opinion. I could argue that having SRS is an indulgence in self-loathing, but I know this isn't true and I recognize that other TS have needs different than my own. Why do you feel one has to hate their body to be TS? Why is it necessary for me to want a million surgeries (and that is what it is for FtMs),to feel comfortable with myself? Why isn't it okay to leave some parts of my body unbutchered?
I'm not a biological male and no hysterectomy, no false useless appendage is going to make me one.
SRS is different for FtMs - bottom surgery for us is almost purely cosmetic. With the current technology, we'll never be able to function sexually as a bioman. Even with the phalloplasty, you need some kind of pump to have sex.
That being said, I still wouldn't have SRS if the surgery were perfect.
Why?
Because other than my chest, I like my body the way it is.
What is wrong with that?

<not allowed> = a competition - Who hates their body the most?
obviously I don't win the prize

Nero came in last place at the TransOlympics
« Last Edit: June 24, 2006, 05:10:51 pm by Nero »
Nero was the Forum Admin here at Susan's Place for several years up to the time of his death.

stephanie_craxford

Re: bad day
« Reply #18 on: June 24, 2006, 05:49:50 pm »
Hey there Nero.

Actually I agree with what you have said as my statement reflects yours.  I said that unless it was for medical reasons/complications.  For example MtF who must settle for nullification, those who are unable to have surgery, FtM who do not wish to have bottom surgery that is purely cosmetic (your words), and MtF who don't develop breasts and opt not to have breast implants.  They have transitioned as far as they can and done what they can (changed names, live and work full time etc.)   Like you not wanting a phalloplasy and needing a pump to have sex relates to me only being an 'A' cup but not wanting breast implants.  It's not what is on the outside so much as what a person feels on the inside.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with liking your body the way it is, after all it's the only one you get, and if your body the way it is is in harmony with your mind then so be it.

Hmmm I'm not sure that I've made sense of my feelings or not, but I know one thing Nero there is no way you could possibly finish last at anything.

Chat later,

Steph

Offline Robyn

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Re: bad day
« Reply #19 on: June 24, 2006, 06:26:36 pm »
I feel so much pain here.  Panther, I don't think your therapist can truly help you if you keep all that pain inside.

One thing that might help is a Top Surgery jar or bank account.  Start saving for it, even if only a dollar a week.  Smoke?  Quit and save the $$.  Drink?  $$ stop and save the $$.  Just seeing that you are working toward the goal may help immeasurably.

And vent.  Let that anger out.  Do NOT bottle it up inside.  Do NOT give up.  DO hang with other FTMs.

I don't know where you live, but consider the Gender Odyssey FTM 2006 in Seattle over Labor Day weekend.

If there isn't a link in the FTM URL area, I'll put one up.

Robyn
When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take the step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for us to stand on or we will be taught to fly. — Patrick Overton

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