Community Conversation > Non-binary talk

bad day

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Underground Panther:
I just hate this.
I want to walk outside,but it's 90 degrees and humid and the heat in of itself isn't the problem.

I don't want to have to wear shorts and go out walking alongside the road with my chest all hanging..
I really hate this, because the cow bits jangle when I walk and I can't hide them so easy in hot weather.DD is hard to hide. If I lose weight I look more feminine and I get hooted at in the most degrading way. It just is so uncomfortable..It's the most hidious catch 22.I hate it.  I hate my life.I would just love to go walk outside, without a vest , even better in my wildest dreams with no shirt,without a binding tight bra to clamp these hidious pieces of <not allowed> on my chest still,without resorting to layers to hide these cursed  <not allowed> in 90 degree heat and sweat like a stuck pig.. I wish I was dead. Or these damn <not allowed> would just all off, wither away,get cancer so medical assistance would be force to cut these damn things off of me.

I hate  these <not allowed>,I pound them black and blue! I sometimes feel like getting a knife and stabbing them.This is how much I hate these things.Why why is my body so <not allowed> up!! Why why did I have to be born  this way to be tormented like this?

I wish I was never born..
I am venting and I don't know how to express this horrid feeling to anyone else really.I feel like I'm gonna explode.
So has been a jerk to me for a very long time.. ( been Thinking of making him leave for the past 3 years,And recently the realizxation his of how much I have lost.)and I can't boot him right now he is going through serious <not allowed>( his father had a heart attack) and I ain't that cold to  go kick someone out who's scared thier father may die.
And I can't afford this place on my own,anyways. I have got to relearn the bus system but that requires I go outside and suffer the sweaty sticky swaying <not allowed>,reminding me of how wrong I feel making it worse. I feel so inhibited and like everyone is watching the <not allowed> sway.It's so hard to deal with it,I wish I could just make them go away.
 I don't have any support for myself these days I see a therapist every other week, and that's it. I get no support from anyone  else who would understand,because I don't have freinds anymore. My relationship with the SO has basically has alienated me from my freinds..So it ruined my life and it has isolated me.And I enabled it. I feel like such a dunbass. And  now I am really stuck, in a miserable relationship,in a miserable bosdy,in a miserable town a miserable life..so I deal with this dispair I feel  by myself and sometimes it ain't easy to do..So I type it out here.I hope I didn't offend anyone. I'm not in danger of suicide I am just really in a bad spot now that's all.
Thanks for listening.

Melissa:
I'm not offended at all.  That's about the same way I feel about this cursed appendage betwen my legs.

Melissa

Kimberly:
Body dysphoria is a drag this is unfortunately so very VERY true. However, I have found that usually and often especially in the unpleasant lives there is often something to be learned in the unpleasantness.

*shrug* It does not ease the pain really, but it does give some measure of meaning to the mess.

When in doubt look on the bright side, there always is one you know...

stephanie_craxford:
Hey there's no offense taken here, you're fitting in just fine actually.  As Melissa mentioned, many here hate the deformities they are cursed with, and some have even taken the drastic step of trying to correct the problem themselves (moi aussi).

We all wished that life was simpler but we know better don't we.  There's no magic wand, magic powder, divine intervention (unless you consider accidents) so we are stuck.  Or we would be stuck if we let these things get us down.  We know there's nothing we can do but do our best to go forward, come hell or high water, and for some of us - die trying.  Notice I said die trying, not die giving up.  Some would say that I've had a pretty charmed transition, and I would agree to a point, however the agony I feel inside I rarely show, I guess that shows weakness on my part.

I would refer you to some Monty Python songs but I feel that some how they are not appropriate in this case.  Venting here is far more preferable than some of the alternatives.  At least here at Susan's there are people who will hear you, listen to you, and be with you as much as they can.  "Your <not allowed> are not going to go away"  yep thats right, maybe not in the near future but talk with your friends here who are suffering as you are and see what solutions they use to overcome these feelings.

I can remember my first venture in to the wild.  It was a few years ago now, and I looked and felt hideous.  I hadn't gotten more that 20 or so paces from my car and I was frozen to the side walk in fear, I managed to get back to the car and started crying over similar things you are facing, how I was such a coward, how I was so ugly, how I looked like a MAN.  This fear kept me inside, hidden for many months until I reached the breaking point, I just could stand it anymore.  I had to go out or die trying.  I did and it worked.

Steph

tinkerbell:
et moi aussi ;)
We don't feel offended at all.  We all have our own "nasty things" we want to get rid of.  You've come to the right place.  Remember that after the long night, comes a sunny day... :D

tinkerbell

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