Community Conversation > Male to female transsexual talk (MTF)

married with children

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yuldah hadasha:
Hi - although i've known what i am as long as i can remember, i have never done more than fantasize about it.  Not quite nothing - I have had some bad therapy sessions, and told a few important others - most notably the teenage girl who later became my wife.  She neither understood (who can understand this, really?) nor wanted to - and though we had a series of near-crises in our twenties, I committed myself to dealing with my pain in private.  That was 15 years, three children and several suddenly disfunctional coping mechanisms ago.

No, not suddenly disfunctional - i've been having increasing pain over the past few years, but until recently, i thought i could channel, control, defer and otherwise cheat my way out of it.  There's so much that's so good in my life - work, vocation, love.  In fact, I'd say the major problem in my life right now - and in my wife's - is me.

For reasons I don't understand, my relation to my body - which had been one of fairly steady, slightly ironic numbness, interspersed with wrenching binges of fantasy - has gone haywire.  i hurt in strange places, my appetite is gone, i find myself dizzy and disoriented.  it's as though the strings that connect me to my male physique and persona have gotten snarled and frayed - are snapping.  or is that snapping me?

my wife finds the whole idea of what i am excruciatingly painful and depressing - a total rejection of her and our lives.  but i love her, and the children she makes it clear i am on the verge of losing.  at the moment my life choices seem to be a transition that costs me and those i love everything, and one form of death or another.

the one friend i can talk to - extraordinary woman - has urged me to join this forum and seek the voices of those who know the kinds of things i'm going through.  here i am, lost and on the edge.  (just what you needed, eh?)


You are, in fact, what many of us need, having come close to the edge ourselves in our own ways. So don't feel bad about that.

Ouch, you have some difficult life circumstances to deal with. I'm a divorce lawyer, so I know how hard the fights around children can be. On the children, that is. Not to mention the parents. On the other hand you are, as you say, on the brink. And for me (your mileage may vary) that means on the brink of doing something drastic that may mean for your children that they don't get to see you again.

Please don't make that choice for them. Even if their mother makes the choice for them and you are separated from your children for some time, believe me, they will come back if you want them to and they will get to know you as the person you want to be. Your children deserve to have that option and as painful as that may be to you in the short term, they are better served to have a parent who is alive and is different than one who was taken from their lives, either by disappearing or suicide, by no choice of their own. It may take time, and time can be a number of years, but be there for them. That will be more important to them than that their "dad" is unhappy, but fits the mainstream definition of normal. Or worse, their "dad" went away some day and never came back.

I see the pain that kids suffer from their parents' choices everyday (I also defend young offenders), and <not allowed> or crossdressing has never been one of those problems. Missing, absent, distracted, violent, neglectful, or dead parents is a problem.


PS: and I have had clients who are TG or cross dress and I've never had their kids as young offender clients.

help? Sure. Can't do much but listen and talk, but perhaps in all of it you might find something that might be applicable.  If not then well, you killed some time.  try a bit about what you feel your priorities are. what you want  your life to be in 5 or 10 years, or tommorow perhaps.  What do you want that can be talked about and you may or may not find help in?


yuldah hadasha:
Thank you both for your compassionate responses.  Dennis, your perspective is really important for me to hear right now - though in some ways it makes the multiple bind even tighter, since at least i could fantasize about suicide as home improvement - but instead of having to take out a loan, the family would get money. 

i don't know why this feels so important to me.  when my wife asks me why i can't just be like Dax (Star Trek Deep Space 9 alien who lives happily in bodies of various genders), i answer pertly that i'm not an alien - but the question haunts me.  why should a healthy average-looking body feel so awful to me?  why should i feel invisible,cut off from life, ghostly?  why should the very thought of being female feel like a sip from the Fountain of Life in the middle of the desert?  but ok, even given all that (maybe my mileage is varying here, but i doubt it), why can't love be enough for me?  i love them, they love me - the me that they see but still, lots of me isn't skin and hormones - and my problems aside, we have so much happiness here in our grasp? 

why can't i - no, how can i - let go, adjust, adapt?  why is this getting worse as i grow up and older (not that i feel terribly grown up right now, but you'd be surprised, i've usually been considered preternaturally sane and mature - i think detachment does that) and not easier?

why should i find suicide more attractive than the thought of living without this difficult, crazy hope of becoming the person i've always felt i am?  after all, what's hopelessness for, if not resignation and acceptance?

sorry, nuff from me.  thank you again - having this world here, within reach of fingers and keys, makes a real difference.

You are going through what many of us have been through in the past.  Don't dispair there is help out there for you and your family to take advantage of.  I would suggest you contact you local or nearest Gay, Lesbial, B-sexual, Transgender (GLBT) support groupe and ask them for contacts, therapists, doctors who are TG friendly in your area.  That's what I did, and it was the best move that I made for me and my family.  They put me in contact with a therapist at the local university, and then she in turn put me in touch with a TG friendy doctor, and we haven't look back since.

There is lots advice here to be given and I think that this is the first step you should be taking to help sort out who you are and what you should be doing to help you and your family through this turmoil you are going through.  Remeber you simply can't adapt, or adjust , or just let go, you are who you are, and this is the first step.


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