Author Topic: married with children  (Read 8204 times)

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yuldah hadasha

Re: married with children
« Reply #20 on: July 25, 2005, 10:11:09 pm »
Dear Beth, Kimberly, Tiffani and all of you who have been so supportive,

The good news is Friday came and i met my therapist, who is quiet and patient and cautious and wise and very experienced with these issues.  she is a God-send (a term that as a religious person i mean quite literally).  i have had a long series of bad, scarring experiences trying to communicate with therapists about these issues - she is actually the first person i've ever spoken to who just understood what i was talking about.  she also realized that i am in crisis, more or less, and has made herself available if need be by phone between appointments.

i have pushed forward with talking with my wife - actually, she brings it up when we have time and energy, which is rarely, between three kids, no child care, working, etc.  she is trying very hard, despite her rage at having her life and future erased (as she sees it, quite understandably) by me.  in fact, i'm not sure what's harder - when she is cold and angry, or when we get closer, as we have lately, and i see her agony.

that agony has led me to redouble my efforts to kill off my own hope to live out my identity as a woman - to see what i have and am experiencing as a terminal illness rather than something that can be treated, changed.  i have glimpsed the almost drug-like ecstacy of feeling that the woman i have always wanted to be is starting to coalesce inside me (along with the despair in feeling i am too far behind all the "real" women to every make it) - but seeing my wife's repulsion and pain, i know that, as she has put it, the cost of embracing that glimpse of wholeness and happiness is four other lives, hers and our children's.

i can't do that math, sisters.

i grew up training myself, often violently, to disconnect from and punish myself for my feelings.  i'm calling on that training now.  but i can't pretend to be happy while doing it - i can just push ahead, doing things, keeping as busy as i can and eating as little as i can manage (because i just can't stand feeding this body anymore) and trying not to feel - but of course i hate the feeling of not-feeling - but that doesn't i tell myself matter.

i'm sorry, i'm letting everyone down right now, i didn't want to write and tell you this but i also didn't want to just disappear in the face of all your good wishes.

therapy again wednesday.  i honestly don't know how to live, sisters - how can i live at the expense of those i love and who love me?  (there haven't been many who have)  so i'm afraid i'm back in a way where i started, just not immediately suicidal (my new life ins policy has a two-year wait on that, so i have time to really see if i can find a way through).

thank you for your patience, your kindness, for being the voice of the light in the dark.


Re: married with children
« Reply #21 on: July 25, 2005, 10:46:04 pm »
Oh I am so glad to hear from you again Yuldah!

I truly hope you can find happiness in whichever direction you travel.

I hope this site remains a beacon should you ever find yourself in the dark.


Re: married with children
« Reply #22 on: July 26, 2005, 12:24:54 am »
hello Yuldah,

             i am so familiar with the path you have chosen for the moment.  how can i be critical of you for doing exactly as i have done. i wish you well and can empathize with your selflessness. you are a beautiful and strong woman and you will have the strength to survive. i had been wondering how you were doing so i thank you so much for letting us know. you are welcome to just drop by anytime, just for an afternoon or short visit.



yuldah hadasha

Re: married with children
« Reply #23 on: July 26, 2005, 06:45:31 pm »
Dear Beth,

thank you for your empathy and your love.  i wish i WERE selfless - i need self reassignment surgery to get rid of all this misery and resentment etc and just be for others.  it is SO wonderful to have you see me, even virtually, like this, as a strong and beautiful woman.




Re: married with children
« Reply #24 on: July 26, 2005, 07:49:45 pm »
Hey there

Just remember, be you, love you, live for you, invite those you love to join you in your journey, if they decline, give them a gentle wave good-by, smile and be their friend.



Re: married with children
« Reply #25 on: July 29, 2005, 10:41:23 pm »
Yuldah, as I have stated before, there are many people here who care about what is going on in your life as well as the lives of your family.  It must be a very difficult adjustment for everyone involved.

Many in our community have gone thru extremely hard times, in various ways, and have come out stronger than when we went in.  I myself, not quite seven years ago was charged with two counts of second degree murder and one count of arson endangering life throught the use of a polygraph test and psychological/physical entrapment by detectives.  There is substantial evidence showing my innocence, yet the police refused to accept any of that evidence.  I came within a whisker's breadth of doing 25 years to life in one of the prisons surrounding the city of Kingston, Ontario.

I lost everything that I owned and held dear as a result of the actions of the police.

When I was released, I had to fight every single step of the way to get what I needed for my own survival.  I had to rebuild from the ground up in every way.

Yet here I am now trying to help others in any way that I can.

I will be checking often if you or anyone else wishes to ask me questions.