Community Conversation > Non-Op

Dating Tips for Non-Ops

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fae_reborn:
Hey everyone,

I thought I'd start the first topic of this new thread we have.  Dating for the non-op.

Personally, while right now I'm not ready to be with anyone, I feel that dating is going to be especially hard for myself and those of us who have, while we may have taken other steps such as orchiectomy, mastectomy, etc. to match our bodies with our minds...we are still not able or are unwilling to have SRS/GRS.  This, invariably, seriously affects our intimate relationships.

There's lots of questions for discussion here, but I'll start us off with a few: How does one disclose their non-op status to a potential partner?  When do we disclose?  Immediately?  After a few dates?  Right before we're about to get intimate with our partner?  Furthermore, how do we work around being a non-op during intimacy, or in other words, please our partners and let them please us when our genitalia don't necessarily match the rest of ourselves?

mina.magpie:
I'll be following this one with keen interest myself. Thanks for starting it Fae.

Mina.

CindyJames:
Thanks Fae

I'm not in the position to date but I think one has to be terribly careful. I think the partner should not find out by accident, that could lead to a violent incident. Using TS/TG dating agencies as Janet suggested sounds good but you have to be in big cities for them to be present. I also think, without any evidence what so ever that you can still come across 'strange people' who use such sites to prey on others.
Even in my situation of being committed to a woman who depends totally on me, I still dream of satisfying a male lover.

Cindy JAmes

SarahFaceDoom:
I think a lot of it is trial and error.  I'm still sort of figuring out what I like and don't like sexually.  But I've also found that while it seems that on the surface you'd be at a disadvantage not having any srs--really it's a great way to filter out people, and make sure you're spending time with people who really want you for all of you.  It's also important for me that the relationship not be completely tied up in sex either.

But I'd say more men and women are interested than you'd think.

And like i said in the other thread, Bisexuals tend to be a natural ally for the non-op.  Just because their attraction is not tied to your genetalia, its tied to who you are.  And if you have a penis where you should have a vagina, or vice versa, they tend to just roll with it.

Honestly, beautiful is beautiful.  And who you are and how you act is about 90 percent of it.

fae_reborn:

--- Quote from: SarahFaceDoom on April 02, 2009, 03:16:32 am ---I think a lot of it is trial and error.  I'm still sort of figuring out what I like and don't like sexually.  But I've also found that while it seems that on the surface you'd be at a disadvantage not having any srs--really it's a great way to filter out people, and make sure you're spending time with people who really want you for all of you.  It's also important for me that the relationship not be completely tied up in sex either.

But I'd say more men and women are interested than you'd think.

And like i said in the other thread, Bisexuals tend to be a natural ally for the non-op.  Just because their attraction is not tied to your genetalia, its tied to who you are.  And if you have a penis where you should have a vagina, or vice versa, they tend to just roll with it.

Honestly, beautiful is beautiful.  And who you are and how you act is about 90 percent of it.

--- End quote ---

Totally agree with you Sarah, it's all about your attitude towards the situation...not sure about bisexuals as I haven't met many, but I would tend to think that anyone involved in the GLBT community, even if their a heterosexual ally, would at least have some understanding and generally be accepting.  The area in which you live also helps, as it increases your chance of meeting some understanding folks.  Not necessarily a large city like San Francisco or NYC, as I believe there are a lot of places where one can find the same resources, perhaps in a smaller city?

As for TG/TS dating sites...I personally avoid those, as it seems that, as Cindy pointed out, predators (who may indeed be confused about their own identity/sexuality) lurk on those sites.  Also, I wish to be seen as a woman, not as a TG/TS...that part of me is in the past and it's over.  Granted, it's still relevant as far as dating/intimate relationships, but I am SO much more than that.

As for disclosure...I've talked to my therapist about this, and she suggests getting to know the person as friends first, telling them when comfortable, and THEN try dating.  She says I should avoid casual dating, i.e. random hook-ups.

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