Community Conversation > Non-Op

Dating Tips for Non-Ops

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pheonix:
Hmmm... a topic right up my alley -- I'm non-op, been full-time for a year and actively dating for 2 1/2 years.  In that time I've had two relationships lasting over 6 months, dates with 9 different women and had an additional 8 or so romantic interests that never resulted in a date.  I identify as lesbian although I am somewhat bi-curious.  I have only dated women, but have had little problems finding them.

For the most part I just got out there and met people.  I had the benefit of pre-existing connections to the lesbian community.  I got involved in several social groups through the local GLBT community centers and developed friendships there.

What I will say is from my own experience... what has helped me may not be right for you.

My first point of advice: get your own head-space in order.  Be comfortable with yourself both as a person and as a transperson.  Find a place where you can accept your body as it is.  The single most important element in dating, whether trans or not, is to be confident in your self.  A healthy level of self-confidence is fairly universally attractive.  As Sarah said, who you are is 90% of it.

Second: You will encounter three types of people: 1) Folks who will not date a transperson; 2) Folks who will date a transperson 3) Folks that don't know if they will date a transperson.  In my experience the folks in category 1 outnumber the folks in category 3 who outnumber the folks in category 2.  When folks in category 1 or 3 reject you, don't be discouraged... the reality is it takes a special person to see beyond the physical anatomy.  It will take time to find them.

As far as when to tell someone, I tend to be very upfront about my status.  That choice has both good and bad repercussions.  On the plus side I weed out immediately folks where dating me is totally NOT an option.  On the negative side, some folks who might have been ok if they got to know me, opt out before we get to that point.  In my mind, another advantage to early disclosure is I'm starting my connection with the person from a place of honesty... something critical in making any relationship work.

mina.magpie:
Thanks so much for the tips pheonix.

If I may ask, how early do you disclose? Dating profile/first date kinda thing, or do you give it one or two dates before you do?

Mina.

pheonix:

--- Quote from: mina.magpie on April 06, 2009, 03:25:44 pm ---Thanks so much for the tips pheonix.

If I may ask, how early do you disclose? Dating profile/first date kinda thing, or do you give it one or two dates before you do?

Mina.

--- End quote ---

My general rule of thumb is before the first date, often when I'm first meeting the person. 

For more specifics:

When I meet someone at lesbian clubs and events with alcohol, I find it best to disclose early in the acquaintance,  since the level of physical contact at those tends to be somewhat accelerated.  Generally, I'd rather have control over letting that information out rather than have an awkward accidental discovery.

For women I have met through my social circles, I tend to get to know them for two or three times before disclosing my status.  But if they are aggressively pursuing dating me, I will disclose sooner.  That being said, given I don't hide my status in my social circles, it's typically not a surprise when I disclose and they've often weighed that factor in before pursuing me for dating.  My best dating experiences have come through friend of a friend type situations.

I've not really used any web or other dating services so I can't comment on those.

fae_reborn:
Thanks much for the advise pheonix, it's much appreciated.  I will keep some of what you said in mind.

imaz:

--- Quote from: pheonix on April 06, 2009, 03:54:02 pm ---
My best dating experiences have come through friend of a friend type situations.

I've not really used any web or other dating services so I can't comment on those.

--- End quote ---

Same here. :)

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