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Stuck.

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mtfbuckeye:
(Hopefully this is the right area to post this... If not, I apologize.)

Last fall, it looked like my wife was at least hesitantly supportive of my desire to transition. I was seeing a GID therapist and was probably about a month from starting HRT before she told me that she could stay my friend if I transitioned, but couldn't stay married to me. At that moment, I chose to stay male for the sake of our marriage and for our 3 year old son.

Right now, I'm in male mode, not seeing a GID therapist anymore, and my wife is pregnant with our second child. I'm looking for a new job, and we're getting ready to move from central Illinois to Columbus, Ohio. Every day I am tempted to flee... back to Seattle where all my supportive college friends are, and where I could pretty easily start life as a woman.

But I don't want to leave my family... I love them and don't want to lose them. I don't want to be a part-time parent to my kids either. One could make the argument that I've made my choice, and now I have to learn to live with it and cope with not transitioning... but will I ever be happy? Am I doomed to either be unhappy in my life as a male, or unhappy because I've become a woman but lost my family?

Mostly I'm just venting... Thank you for reading, everyone.

Miniar:
*Hugs*

Oh all the things we could have changed if we knew then what we know now.

You're not "doomed" to be unhappy, you just happen to have a life that isn't exactly what you most wish it could be, but then who does?

Seshatneferw:

--- Quote from: mtfbuckeye on April 23, 2009, 11:41:44 am ---but will I ever be happy? Am I doomed to either be unhappy in my life as a male, or unhappy because I've become a woman but lost my family?

--- End quote ---

That's something none of us can tell you, you'll have to figure it out yourself. However, here are some more questions that might help. Are those the only choices, or is there some room for compromise? What do you feel you'd absolutely have to do to feel comfortable with yourself? Where exactly are the limits of what your wife can deal with?

 :icon_hug:

  Nfr

mtfbuckeye:
I feel like I need to start HRT.. that's what really gnaws at me. But my wife isn't ready to stick with me through that part of the process. I understand why, but it's still hard to handle.

Seshatneferw:
Have you got an idea of just why you need to start HRT? Is it one or more of the physical changes, or the feeling of proceeding, or what? Would there be another way to get closer to what you need?

Do you know what exactly it is about HRT that your wife cannot accept? The changes in you (and if so, which ones), or the conviction that this would be the point of no return, or something else?

  Nfr

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