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Yochanan:
I'm a boy but transition isn't in the cards. Maybe in the future, but not in my life as it is now. So I figured I might as well go back to being female. People say they will support me and be behind me, but what they really want is their daughter/me as a girl back. My life thus far has been nothing but trying and trying to make others happy, so why stop now? But I didn't realize how hard a little thing like wearing a tight shirt while not binding would be. Or going without my usually ever-present baseball cap. Or painting my fingernails.

I know it's stupid, and I know that if I were a real man I could live my life as a female and train myself to be happy, but I am just weak. It hurts. It really, really does.

Nicky:
Things are bad right now eh? That mountain looks too big. It can seem easier to try to avoid it altogether. You are not weak, this thing is bigger than anything.  If the answers were simple none of us would be here. It is perfectly ok to take a breather in your journey. Sometimes we just need time out from thinking about the mountain.

Certainly you can decide not to transition right now. That does not mean you have to play the part. I know women that don't dress up fem, they don't paint their nails, no ear piercings, they wear track pants and slum it with their mates, their hair is short. Even if you are going to live as a girl does not mean you need to shove yourself all the way into the corner of that box.

I think you are going to put yourself through a lot of anguish doing this and you know it. You stop now so that you can be happy for once k?

Yochanan:
Something people seem to hate about me is that I'm an "all-or-none" kind of person. I am tired of living in between, and I am tired of the way people look at me. I'm just so confused and there's not a damn person I can talk to about it, or anyone who could offer me any solutions if I could talk. I don't want to be the token "t" of my lgbt club, I don't want to be ridiculed or seen as a butch woman. All I want is to be what I am, which is simply not possible. It's terrible though. Feels like I'm killing my best friend, this dude called John, but it's easier this way. I'm back to square one with my coping methds. The only reason I managed to go to school this morning was the cutting. But I'm sorry. I shouldn't even be posting right now. I'm all drugged up. Why are things so difficult? I just don't know how to deal with life anymore. At all.

Nicky:
Yeah, the middle can be a <not allowed> compromise, it might feel slightly better than not doing anything but you end up not fitting in anywhere.

It sounds to me like you are in a bit of a crisis.
I hope you find a way through this. Keep asking for help.

Just Kate:
I understand how you feel and have certainly been there before.

Let me ask, because I'm very interested to know, but why can you not transition right now?  Is it because you are afraid of how it will affect those you love?  Are you still living your life solely for them?

I won't make any assumptions.  I'll just let you answer.  Perhaps writing it out will help you feel better, feel like you have someone to talk to as well.

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