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A paradox and ironies

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stephb:
Paradox and Ironies

I’ve written before about how I’ve spent much of my life trying to come to terms with my GID and my subsequent conclusion that I will probably never transition. I haven’t written much since then, and I won’t repeat much of that discussion, but there are some other points that I think are interesting.

While spending another sleepless night due to my GID, I reflected on one of the paradoxes of my situation. Over almost 60 years of struggling with this condition, I’ve often thought about how things might have been different if I had known what I know now and had the courage to act on it. I think about how my life might have been had I transitioned when I was 18.

A puzzling contradiction to me is that the worst thing in my life has been that I’ve had to live it in the role of a male, knowing that I am a female inside. At the same time, the best part of my life has been being a husband and father. I don’t know what to make of this. It seems strange that they could both be true and, yet, contradict each other at the same time.

So much for the paradox … now for the irony. Keep in mind that I am committed to not transitioning and that I have never disclosed my GID to anyone other than my spouse (… and my therapist, and this forum, and the support group I once attended ... Hmm, more people than I realized!).

I recently had a serious prostate “event” that sent me to the ER … another “benefit” of my advanced age. The severe pain that I was in made my shaved legs and trimmed pubic area only minor considerations. Thank goodness my toes weren’t polished also. The ER staff was very courteous. There were no embarrassing questions or comments.

After treatment, I left the hospital with a catheter in and a prescription for finasteride. Riding home, I realized that I was experiencing one of the “joys” of SRS without the final product. I also ended up using a panty liner for the week to catch any catheter seepage. The ultimate irony is that now I will be taking finasteride for the rest of my life. I even get the high dosage version rather than the dosage intended for just hair loss. It’s too soon to detect any effects, but I can hope.

So, it is with both a smile and a grimace that I think about this latest turn in my life.

Steph

juliekins:
What is holding you back, Steph, from becoming the person you know yourself to truly be? Just curious. Many of us transition late in life, and are still very happy. I've had my share of losses, but reclaiming MY life has been completely worth it.

Good luck with things!

sneakersjay:
One of the biggest joys in my life has been my children, but I didn't and don't identify with the label 'mother' even when I lived as female, and not even when  pregnant.  That was the surreal part.  I never felt 'motherly.'  I was and still am a damn good parent, though.  And my kids think it's a non-issue.

Transition is not an easy thing, but I wished I'd done it sooner.  But then, I might not have my two terrific kids.


Jay

Chrissty:

--- Quote from: juliekins on October 30, 2009, 01:05:02 pm ---What is holding you back, Steph, from becoming the person you know yourself to truly be? Just curious. Many of us transition late in life, and are still very happy. I've had my share of losses, but reclaiming MY life has been completely worth it.

Good luck with things!

--- End quote ---

If you do find an answer to Julies question Steph... Let me/us know... ::)

Having said that, I suppose we we are fighting transition, we just try to make the most of any small sign of "progress" to calm our GID.

I wish you luck...if you know what I mean..  ;D  :icon_flower:

 :icon_hug:

Chrissty

Bellaon7:
You are my truest inspiration, surviving so long in the wrong sex without just giving up. I'm scared of heights, but can look down onto rock or pavement & see the pain just going away, no missfires or bad aim, just goodbye.

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