Community Conversation > Crossdresser talk

She/MeTraped Inside

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Debtv:
This is a quote from Stephanie Re: Wanting to become Stephanie    


--- Quote ---But every time the thought came up that I might actually be a woman on the inside, born into the wrong gender (the exact phrase was "lesbian in a man's body"), I had to react the only way my ultra-conservative upbringing knew how - ignoring, dismissing, and denying that it ever happened.  I was born a guy, and that’s what I was supposed to be.  For fifteen years, I struggled to keep “her” down inside me.  Sometimes it was easy and I never really felt like anything was wrong, and at other times, “she” screamed so loud that I couldn’t function.  Several times I would let my thoughts wander and I would picture myself as a woman, wearing the clothes, makeup, jewelry, and everything.  Once I “caught” myself, I’d fall back on the dismissal, ignoring, and denial that I had become familiar with.  But then I’d feel very depressed about having to “go back to being a man” again.
--- End quote ---

I felt I was two seperate beings. I was a strong male interacting in the world as my male self...and the other was my inner femme self. When I was younger I realized my wish to be a girl would never really be. So I seperated my femme self off into an inner jail....and struggled to suppresse that part of myself.

So a big part of me lived in a life long self-imposed jail. A jail where I felt I had to lie, to stay alive. Never walking freely down a sidewalk, never feeling the soft summer breeze along my hose covered legs, never being able to be the pretty me. A jail where I was all alone.

A jail that seperated myself from me. I use to think of myself as either her or me. I felt I was two different genderpersons. That is the thing that hurt me the most about lving all those years in denail.

But what happened was...My femme self was as strong as I am and she fought her way out of my self-emposed jail. LOL (its hard to explaine using our two gender terms) She clawed her way to being able to have a real life. It was either she would be free..or we both would be dead. And she won...she is now free to be herself by expressing herself in an open life. Also, she will NEVER go back into that jail...no matter what.

But what has happened to me....is my two gender seperation has fadded away. I'm not Deb or Don anymore...I am Debbie Dawn. I am one person who is both genders.

I'm both genders...I feel most my life (38 yrs) my man side was %90 of me.That is many years of expreience I cannot undo...and I do have fond memorys of those years too. Now I feel I'm about %80 enfemme...and its about time too! LOL But I accept the effect of a lifetime of manlyness has enfluenced me. I can even appreiciate that %20 of manylness more now, than ever in my life.

So yes Stephanie, there is a woman inside you, screaming to get out and she is you. The reason I'm saying all this, is show that there are many paths of being a happy TG. I am happy to be both genders! To be Tg is not nessaraly an either-or choice. There are many combinations that can make us tg's happy.

Love
DebTV

stephanie_craxford:
Hello Debbie, I know that what you wrote is for the other Stephanie's benifit, but I personally think that what you wrote is too true and very insightful.  Sometimes we/I get wrapped up in my own world of problems and issues, leaving other trans issues clouded, or blurred.  It's nice to be brought back to earth, once in a while.   :)

Thanks for that  :)

Steph

stephanie:
Thank you for that, Debbie.  I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like "more than one or the other."  I would hate having to put "her" back in that cell.

Debtv:
Stephanie...I wrote this to you.

Now that 'she' is free.....never fear, she will never go back. The trick is to moderate her/yourself. Do not be in a hurry...go slow and have patience on you path. After years of being in jail...our femme self sometimes goes overboard. Give yourself time to adjust to these changes....and you might be surprised how you feel.

Love
DebTV

Louise:
For many years I suppressed my femme side and was deep in the closet.  I have been a crossdresser for as long as I can remember and for many years wondered whether I might be TS.  I have thought of myself as "Louise" since I was in my teens.  I never told anyone else about this until I was in my 50's.  I would indulge my desires to dress en femme in private, usually wearing some of my wife's clothes.  I would always feel guilty about this and swore to myself many times that I would never wear a dress again.  Six months or a year later and the desire would become so overwhelming I would find some opportunity to dress.

About six years ago this changed.  I bought some skirts and sweaters for myself and started using my own makeup.  I told my wife about Louise and have been dressing openly at home once or twice a week.  I attended several meetings of the local TG support group (a mixed group that includes both TS and CD.  I have only gone out dressed a few times.  But Louise came out of the closet a little and she is not going back in.

Certainly I am not TS and I do not dress openly as much as Deb.  But I do share the sense that I have an inner self that is feminine and is at odds with the male personna that I present to the world.  My male side is not a false personna, but it is not all that I truly am.  Integrating Louise and my male side is something that I still need to work on more.  I am not really two selves--I am one.  Like Deb I feel that this self is neither purely male nor female. 

I think if we try to pretend not to be who we are it will only lead to frustration and unhappiness.

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