Community Conversation > Non-Op

Going back after being in transition for quite a while (some questions/thoughts)

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oceanus:
Hi I'm new here. :)

Hope my post isn't out of place. I'm wondering about those who have decided to go back to your birth gender after living on the extremes of the other side for a while. I did the whole thing pretty young in my teens and now I'm in my late twenties postop and all. I'm starting to reconsider things since I think I've grown a lot mentally the past few years and I'm now appreciating things in a different light. Some people might say its detransition and all but I've decided not to approach things from that angle since I consider it some form of personal evolution rather than a step backwards. I simply think now that I probably identify more as a gay man and that being that way might suit me better. I used to be attracted solely to straight men (or at least men who considered themselves straight) but now I'm beginning to appreciate guys of all types.

So lately, I stuffed my hair into a baseball cap and dressed in my boyfriend's clothes and the only thing I could think of was that I looked like a really really young, short, underweight teenaged guy and it disturbed me a little.

It could be due to the fact that his clothes were a little too baggy so it made me look odd, I felt like 14 or 15 years old then I felt sad that I looked like a joke as a guy. I'm wondering if any of you have felt the same way?

As far as I know, I'm not exactly sure how this would pan out appearance wise. I think I've more or less figured out the mental part. I guess my concerns mainly tie in with the fact that people may view such a route as totally ludicrous. I've confided in my boyfriend and he thinks I'm being silly and all and says that I look beautiful as a girl but I'd look like a freak as a guy and he's made it clear that if I ever went that way our relationship would be over. That's one of the major factors holding me back as well. I've confided with some close friends, basically a mix of girlfriends/gay friends and even trans friends about this and so far, almost all of them are quite negative about it.

My first step would probably involve removing my implants and then seeing how I adjust to that and then slowly taking things from there. Just to add I think I'd be more comfortable looking older (maybe looking like an 18-21 year old) and more masculine but not overly masculine so I'm not entirely comfortable of having facial hair and zits that you'd get from T shots. I don't know how much T would affect me as well since I messed up my puberty somewhat with a combination of estrogen and anorexia so thats one of the last steps I'd take if I embrace this route in totality.

So I'm wondering if anyone has been in my shoes and I'd love to hear your thoughts or experiences.

Just Kate:
I didn't get post op, but I've been where you are.  It's tough.  I felt the same negativity.  My gay friends thought that if I went back, I would not be being "true to myself" and was akin to going back into the closet to them.  When I even *mentioned* the possibility of detransition to the other TS's I knew, I got hit with so much negative feedback I felt really put out.  I didn't realize that, at the time, many of those people were validating their own transitions off of the success of mine, and if I were to "go back" it might mean they could - at least in their heads - and that wasn't something they wanted to think about.

Its late and I'm tired or I'd say more, but let me say, you aren't the first, but there are not many of us.  You'll have to find new ways to deal with whatever degree of GID you have if you close the door to transition.  I can imagine though, were I in your situation (post op with a boyfriend) that I'd prolly remain female out of convenience.  It would be very hard to land a relationship with another gay male as a male with a vagina so you might be setting out for misery with regard to your love life.

It comes down to preference.  I assume you transitioned initially for the sake of convenience right?  (by convenience I mean, because life would be better, easier, more worthwhile, whatever word you use, etc. than living it as a male)

oceanus:

--- Quote from: interalia on December 03, 2009, 02:46:02 am ---....I can imagine though, were I in your situation (post op with a boyfriend) that I'd prolly remain female out of convenience.  It would be very hard to land a relationship with another gay male as a male with a vagina so you might be setting out for misery with regard to your love life.

It comes down to preference.  I assume you transitioned initially for the sake of convenience right?  (by convenience I mean, because life would be better, easier, more worthwhile, whatever word you use, etc. than living it as a male)

--- End quote ---

Yeah, I'm delaying it so far since I'm in love with him and that's a major factor preventing me from doing anything. I also want to be sure any steps I make are reversible as well like implant removal as compared to total boob removal in case things change in future.

The factor that however makes me tempted to make the leap is due to the fact I sometimes get the sense that he doesn't see a future with me and its been a very familiar feeling I'm getting from most of the guys I've been with. I feel very guilty each time I talk about marriage where I end up totally feeling like I'm pressurizing him in some way that maybe the problem isn't with him but its with me being overly needy. Its almost like I gave up on the idea of being with him for life but I'm still clinging on to him?

And yes also I'm terribly afraid of ending up lonely but as much as being a guy with a vadge scares me I think some FTMs seem to do okay despite the hurdles of bottom surgery? I admit I don't pass very well as a guy my age or even a young guy. I look like I barely had puberty so I'd have to work alot on looking passable yet I'm reluctant to go on T at this point of time since I don't want my system to be shocked where I'd freak out if my voice breaks or if I had acne and start to bald like my brother.

Lastly, I would really really hate and loathe that I transitioned for convenience since it really trivializes the seriousness of transition as a whole, but then again if I were to break it down into the little steps I took along the way I realize you could be right to a certain degree. I mean it doesn't seem entirely that way but I wouldn't say you're wrong as well. God you have no idea how difficult it is to admit that (makes me feel demented for going through this) and its even harder to unravel the whole thing now if I were to treat it as a whole.

I'm actually not sure if I have ever had GID in the first place so I'm not sure what pitfalls to look out for. Maybe its hard now to notice since I haven't made steps back yet :( I don't know how to really verbalize it at all. Does it make sense if I were to say I like the attention I get as a girl but maybe now I'm less bothered about attention and I think I've transcended that need for superficial gratification and I'm actually somewhat weary of attention?

Thanks for replying really, I've read a number of your threads already and I was hoping you'd be one of those who'd reply.

Oh also, I'm thinking of uprooting and moving elsewhere and I don't know if that will help things out. How did it help you? It seems most people who have tread this route eventually had to do so to be successful otherwise there are too many ties that bind.

gothique11:
I think it's ironic that when someone transitions everyone freaks out and goes OMG, you can't, that's wrong, etc... and then when someone either de-transitions or whatever one might call it, you get exactly the same thing: OMG, you can't, that's wrong. LMFAO!

I got that when I ran around and did a drag king show, and when I shaved my head except the front bangs, wear boy clothes, LOL. I don't know, I don't get it. Then again, I never de-transitioned or anything... clothes, hair, that's just me. I really didn't get the hoopla that I'd get from the trans community over such things. The OMG your hair isn't long, and the OMG, you're not wearing a skirt and those are boy clothes your wearing, OMG, you don't have make up on! *world ends x_x *

I think, sometimes people just need to focus on being themselves rather than being some ideal of what a woman or a man is or should look like or act. Sometimes I run into people who are searching to be something other than themselves, and I'm not sure if that should really be the goal. Transition, really, should be just about being who you are, whatever that is. Then, again, I'm a lot more liberal than other T-folk are with issues.

I'd say explore things. Take your time exploring things. Wear some boy clothes. Maybe even get a fake mustache and try it out for a while. It's always important to find you, where ever that leads you.

I don't even always like the word transition, 'cause really transition implies your changing into something else, but really you're supposed to becoming yourself... not someone else. Then, again, I never got the part when t-folk talk about themselves, or rather, old selves in 3rd person... like it's a different person. John was, kate was, and then even more confusing, with some of the... I guess famous, or ones I see on tv who have "de-transitioned" (a term that doesn't even make sense to me, but transitioned doesn't either) will talk about their old self, say John, and then their woman self, say Kate, and then their newer self, say Joe. Kinda sounds like a case of multiple personalities to me, in a weird way. Well, then again, I guess it's natural for one to want to form a dissociation with a perceived past-self or identity. *shrugs* I don't know, to each his or her own, I guess... I guess I failed T-101 class. LOL

Anyway, sorry for that ramble -- I'd say totally explore. Be who you are. Be yourself -- and the only way you can do that is explore a little. :)

Autumn:
I just wonder how you did all of that so young. Even with parental support most people don't end up taking estrogen during their puberty. Your family must have been wealthy and supportive.

Marriage isn't something to be pressured or forced into. And if you really are just staying with him and realize there's no future, well, that's another problem entirely. You can't live your life for other people... that's the whole reason we 'transition' in the first place. For us.

It sounds like you may be one of those poor souls who shouldn't have. *shrug*

Sometimes I think 'Why bother with any of this <not allowed>? It's so easy to deal now.' But that's because I do usually pass. As a woman, not as a man. I don't live like a man, or act like a man. Being in the middle sucks. Every person I meet in the middle is someone confused by me, or a potential person who I could have 'passed' with. First impressions are everything. I don't have to dress much like a man, and I don't have to do guy things. Instead of having muscle (not that I had much, but I kept from exercising to keep it off), I've got rapidly developing breasts and soft skin.

If those things were different, I don't think I'd handle it well. So while I feel good where I'm at, other than being in the middle, and life seems so easy to tackle, my current perspective is BECAUSE i'm in transition. Yes, I do envy how easy life would have been without this, or even could still be. How much nicer it would be to be a lot stronger, and not as cold, and less socially afraid, and less maintenance on my hair and appearance... but I'm pretty sure I'd be dead inside again.

Having your implants out sounds like a pretty major thing to do and costly. Honestly, considering that reversible is starting to get into the level of 'you don't know what the f' you want'. Which isn't surprising if you transitioned that young. I'm surprised you needed implants. *shrug*

I don't envy your position. I don't consider de-transitioners to be abominations or a threat to the cause or anything, but it sounds clearly like you may have been pushed along by family or professionals faster than you should have been.

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