Author Topic: Struggles  (Read 4104 times)

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« on: August 12, 2005, 07:04:23 pm »
I have struggled quite a lot since making the decision to transition. I have come to accept that currently I am in the middle of an episode of moderate depression that could progress to severe at anytime.

Part of that could be a result of my recent castration, but I think there is more to it as well. Many times over these past few weeks I have considered just giving up on this whole thing. I could try my hardest to live as a man and see what comes out of it. I've also had my share of suicidal thoughts. I'm afraid that is what will happen if I give up, yet I'm terrified to go on. Largely because I know I can't afford FFS but need it to be confident enough to transition.

Would it really be so bad to force myself to live as male? I'm sure many have done it, and chances are at least some of them survived.

I have no IRL support whatsoever, and that can create problems. Often times I feel completely alone. Lost without any sense of direction. Someome commented that I have an optimistic attitude, and I really try to, but I find it's not so easy with each passing day. 


Re: Struggles
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2005, 07:25:33 pm »
Of course you could "force" yourself to live as a man.  But if you don't identify as one, it will just keep coming back and keeping you up at night.  That voice may be silent for a while, but it is not mute.  And it may let you sleep for a while, but when it's ready to be heard, it'll make itself known.  Now it's possible that you might be able to ignore it the rest of your life, sure, and continue on in the role of the male.  But you seriously have to ask yourself, is that a role that you want to keep for the rest of your life?


Re: Struggles
« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2005, 08:39:41 pm »
Hello Plix

I didn't welcome you to Susan's yet, so welcome.  This is a great place to be especially to get advice.

I just saw your post and I'm going to stick my neck out not knowing what "IRL support" is.  (I'm sure I'll be enlightened shortly  :) )

I have no IRL support whatsoever

Of course it wouldn't be bad at all to force yourself to live as a male, the question is, as stephanie put it, would be could you or would you want to do it.  It would seem that you have almost transitioned to the point of no return, and I have to ask how you managed to get to that point without someone to advise, guide, or treat you. 

I have struggled quite a lot since making the decision to transition.

To be honest Plix, who ever advised you to forward with an ochi, while you still struggled with transition was not acting in you best interest (just my opinion)

You haven't mentioned where you are from , but in North America you would be hard pressed to get to where you are now without some form of therapy, or being under the care of competant medical practitioners.

There are those here at Susan's who have had ochi's and they would be better equipped to advise you on this as they would have a better understanding of what you are experiencing at the moment.

I think that you are experiencing those feelings of doubt that many do while they transition.  Arriving at that point where they see their journey may be stopped because some goals are now out of reach due to financial, or medical reasons to name a few.  Don't second guess yourself, if this is trully what you want, and not just a horrible mistake, look for alternatives, alternative routes around the road block to reach those goals.  Don't give up.

For your own well being and sanity, I would strongly recommend that you seek therapy to help sort this out before proceeding any further and your life becomes unmanageable.  I don't wish to sound mean spirited, especialy as this is your first time here, I'm just voicing my concerns for you, and your health.  :)

Take care



Re: Struggles
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2005, 09:01:46 pm »
IRL= In real Life


Re: Struggles
« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2005, 09:41:00 pm »
Hi Plix,

First I want to ask you something. Are you currently seeing a therapist? No need to answer.
If you are not I want to ask you to do me a favor. Now I know there is no reason why you should do a favor for someone you don't even know. It is however a favor for yourself. Seek out a good therapist who specilizes in GID. There are lots of people here who can help you and links to very good therapists. There is even one who will talk to you by phone. Please do this as soon as possible.

You said something about a recent castration. I am left to wonder was this from voluntary surgery or self inflicted? Either way as far as your decision to transition this is a plus as you will not require the usual testosterone regimine. As to chucking the process and trying to live as a man, in my opinion that is a questionable course of action. In the end you must do whatever you think is best.

You seem to be focused on FFS as being some absolute necessity in order to start living as yourself. It is not. Here is an exercise I'd like you to do. Go to the mall or the student union building at lunch time or whenever there are a lot of students around and sit and just observe. Now don't just observe the pretty girls who represent your idealized version of yourself, in fact ignore them completely. Concentrate on all the other girls. Fat, skinny, plump short, tall, big feet, little feet etc.

Ask yourself the question, do you doubt that any of these girls are girls? Why? do you see some with masculine features. Of course you do they are every where if you start looking for them. Is anyone pointing at them? Staring? Wondering if it's a woman or a man? No? Why?
What makes them unmistakabley girls and you not?

The why is simple. They were born with female bodies. They were raised as female. They walk around knowing they are female because of their bodies which except for a select few no one ever really sees. For them being and acting like a girl is as natural as breathing. No one doubts a masculine looking girl is a girl because she does not doubt it. She knows what she is.

You know what you are don't you Plix? All you have to do now is put it together. It is the way you act. How you present to the world around you. If you cultivate that attitude no one will doubt you are a girl even if your not dressed like one. It's not big boobs, it's not an hour glass figure, it is your attitude.

Cultivate your presence as female in the world and when it becomes as natural to you as breathing then one day it will happen. I know this because today it happened to me. I didn't try, I wasn't even aware of what I was doing, because being a woman has become as natural to me as breathing. Taken completely by surprise with no props no makeup no feminine attire, in fact no visual cues whatsoever, a man saw me as a woman and nothing more.

I have not had any surgery, heck I haven't even had electrolysis, I shave every day. HRT has so far only made minor improvements. So what is it you think FFS is going to give you that you don't already posses within yourself. Read my post on Owning the Part, in the Coming out of the Closet forum. I've given really good tips there if I do say so myself.

Now I'm not trying to discourage you from getting FFS in the future if it will make you feel better. What I am trying to get you to see here is that the only thing stopping you from living as yourself right now, is you. Never mind all the other people. You are young, your only 20 for crying out loud. My daughter is old enough to be your mother.

Whatever friends you have now, if they don't understand or don't want to be your friends anymore, screw em. Tell em to take a flying leap through a rolling donut. You can always make new friends and those people were never your real friends to begin with.

Suicidal thoughts? Yeh I think we've pretty much all had those. I used to hike up into the Appalachian mountains up around the 4 5k foot levels for the express purpose of just walking off the mountain top. It takes alot of determination to walk up a mountain for 14 mi. just to get to a aprticular spot you have all picked out for yourself. Almost kept walking once or twice. So yeh I've been down that path, literally. Thankfully I never went through with it. Now I get to be the woman I have become, and I'm not finished yet.

Take your journey one step at a time. Don't put undue pressure on yourself. Such things can lead to more depression if just the littlest thing goes wrong. Like I said before there are good days and bad days just like it is for everyone else in the world. Don't let your fears stand in your way. We've all been afraid at one time or another, you just have to take that first step.

Oh yeh one other thing, on the name. Try a favorite character from a novel or history or something.
My name comes from greek mythology. Cassandra was given the gift of prophecy by Apollo who was infatuated with her, but she spurned his advances so he cursed her that her prophecies although true would go unheeded. She predicted the fall of Troy the death of king Agememnon and her own demise at his killers hands.

Good Luck to you Plix and Good Journey,



Re: Struggles
« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2005, 11:20:15 pm »
  Tell em to take a flying leap through a rolling donut.

Aerial intercourse at a perambulating pastry


Re: Struggles
« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2005, 11:23:38 pm »
Aerial intercourse at a perambulating pastry



Re: Struggles
« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2005, 01:42:13 pm »
I actually was in therapy with a GID therapist once before, and she diagnosed me with GID but refused to approve hormones because of the concurrent depression. She was closing her practice and there was not enough time to treat the depression, plus I wouldn't have been patient enough anyways  :) I did the only thing I thought of at the time, which is to take matters into my own hands, and that's where I am today.

I am glad things happened the way they did though because if they hadn't I would not have pursued castration, and I am so glad I did that first. I went to a doctor where no letters, hormones, or RLE is necessary. You just give him the cash.

Unfortunately I am not in a position to afford therapy right now. I have to choose wisely where my money goes. I am considering going to see Anne Lawrence to see if I can get hormones from her. I'm sure a closer GID doctor would be willing to help if he knew what I am doing, but I've heard Anne's terms are better. Has anyone gone to her? Does anyone know someone who has?

Another reason I'm avoiding therapy is the distance. There are no GID therapists in the area. I've spent a long time looking. The closest would be in LA, and that's a 1 1/2 hr train ride each way. Plus they are so much more expensive out in LA. One wanted to charge me $200/hr!

I do need to learn patience, that's one thing I know. I also have to focus on priorities, and right now I think my health is pretty far up there, meaning I need to get into a doctor ASAP. My own doctor refuses to treat or even monitor me, so she's out. Maybe Anne will be a possibility. Of course, with castration my doses are much lower and I take no anti-androgens, so I don't think it's quite as dangerous.


Re: Struggles
« Reply #8 on: August 13, 2005, 02:09:06 pm »
anne lawrence, whom I have had misfortune of meeting is a proponent of autogynephilia along with blanchard and bailey.   If you are comfortable knowing that either you are viewed as a gay man who transitioned or you are doing it for a sexual thrill do go see her.

below is an excerpt from her site
Anne Lawrence

It is not difficult to understand why biologic males who have been extremely feminine ever since childhood, and who are sexually attracted to men, would seek sex reassignment surgery.  It is more difficult to understand why those of us who are attracted to women, who have been fairly successful as men, and who do not appear remarkably feminine would do so. What force could be powerful enough to make us give up our whole place in the world -- to make us risk estrangement from our families, loss of our jobs, and rejection by our friends?

Some of us eventually discover that there is one force within ourselves sufficiently powerful to sweep aside all objections. For some of us, it is a force whose demonic intensity has haunted and bedeviled us nearly all our lives. That force is, of course, sexual desire -- our sexual desire to feminize our bodies. 
Sexuality and Transsexuality

Naturally, it flies in the face of conventional wisdom to assert that transsexuality has anything to do with sexual desire. It is widely believed that, while sexual preference may be about sex, transsexuality is about gender. Supposedly we transsexuals transition because we are uncomfortable with our assigned gender role, and we desire to live in the opposite gender role. In fact, in some circles, it is no longer politically correct to talk about "sex reassignment surgery"; the preferred term is now "gender reassignment surgery" or even "gender confirmation surgery." This is to emphasize -- according to the conventional wisdom -- that the quest for the sought-after gender role is primary, and that genital surgery is not an end in itself, but is merely a confirmation of the desired gender transition.
Some people, however, are inclined to doubt the conventional wisdom. Some are clinicians working with transsexual clients, who find that the conventional wisdom often fails to explain much of what they observe. And some are transsexuals themselves -- unusually candid transsexuals, who are not shy about saying that sexual desire was a significant motivation in their transitions. To understand what these people are getting, it is helpful to become acquainted with a seven-syllable word derived from Greek: "autogynephilia."