Community Conversation > Transitioning

Having My Doubts

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Sinnyo:
I hope you don't mind me sounding off here - I'm having a bit of a crisis of confidence.

I'm doing my best to keep my transition under control. So far it's worked very well, and I'm having wonderful times with it. Friends have been really supportive. I feel good about my progress as I draw closer to my first GIC appointment, and I'm managing to engage with the world as my newly-realised self. I don't always pass, but many people seem not to notice or care, so I haven't had cause to be unusually scared of the wider world.

My problem comes from the part-time/full-time balance. I've ordered a deed poll but have been pretty lax in actually showing it, despite wanting to avoid embarrassment when using bank cards or applying for work. I need to work, and to be employed as a woman would be a real boon, both to my confidence and the medical side of my transition - namely, seeking approval for HRT. I feel like I'm stuck in a chicken-and-egg loop though, since I often struggle to keep my appearance up.

When I've been called out to social gatherings for a few days 'on the trot', I quickly discover how physically draining it is to shave my face, chest and arms, just to give the basic illusion of femininity. I'm not too bothered around the house - I'll happily wear a loose blouse with chest stubble - but I cannot get away with that outside. This has me deeply scared about the prospect of working as a woman. I've absolutely no wish to work directly with the public, but I want to maintain myself for co-workers and my own dignity. Yet I feel I'm running up a downwards escalator, perhaps trying to do too much for my body to cope with.

I'm keen to 'full time' as soon as I can, as I'm much more comfortable with 'all in' than a hopping between genders. I've been out to see films as a girl and visited offices the next day as a boy, and those boy-trips saddened me deeply. But I feel like I'm being held back since the more I try, the more my masculine body seems to creep back and paint me as trans rather than as woman. I apologise if I sound obsessed about body hair - it just seems to be my biggest giveaway, and I'm sick of having to treat razor 'nicks' or hide the rashes as I keep up a horrible grooming routine.

Has anyone else been in this situation, of trying to 'full time' pre-everything?

Janet_Girl:
When I began in Jan 2008, it was part time.  In and out of boy mode.  It began to take it's toll on me the closer I got to my court date for my name change.  As it got closer, I put together a "Transition" package for my employer.  I set no date for full time.

Then the date for court came.  I of course as me, I was changing my name after all.  I would show the judge why.  So I went to court, name was changed.  And I knew that I just could not go back to this boy/girl thing.  I had a vacation coming up, so I told my employer that I would begin full time on my return.  On September 13, 2008, I went on vacation and I have never looked back.

Sinnyo, you will know when it is time to go full time.  And it will happen.

lilacwoman:

--- Quote from: Sinnyo on September 07, 2010, 06:43:51 am ---I hope you don't mind me sounding off here - I'm having a bit of a crisis of confidence.
Has anyone else been in this situation, of trying to 'full time' pre-everything?

--- End quote ---

You look fine now.   Stop worrying - well actually you just need to get out and about more to stop worrying as I'm sure most of the public will see you as female.

Sinnyo:

--- Quote from: lilacwoman on September 07, 2010, 02:15:28 pm ---You look fine now.   Stop worrying - well actually you just need to get out and about more to stop worrying as I'm sure most of the public will see you as female.

--- End quote ---

That's not what I'm worrying about (most of the time!). That's me after having shaved the stubble back, dressed up and gone out for social events anyway - not a 9-to-5 look. You don't have to look too closely (in reality) to see reddened skin when I look like that, and I've recently endured the horrors of trying to keep clean-shaven for a few days on the trot. Blood, rashes and the persistent grey shadow of roots too short to remove have been blows to my hopes of keeping this up, as the alternative is the sight of a stubbled trans woman. But that's just a superficial part of it.

I guess I don't know what I mean, but your story does help, Janet. Thank you. I think I'd thought I would have some sort of progress bar to go by, to tell me when I could 'level up' or to say when 'my womanhood' had been successfully installed. :P Without really knowing what important things need doing before I tackle 'full time', perhaps I'm focusing too much on the unimportant, material stuff.

Dana Lane:
Have  you tried using an epilator? It is pretty painful to some people but it actually improves your body hair situation. After using it for a while your body hair 'could' become a bit lighter/thinner. I know HRT helps a great deal with this. But using an epilator could give you a month or more of no worries. Either that or have the hair waxed. Cheaper and slower with an epilator, though.

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