Topic: what to do about contradictions in friends/family

[Marcieelizabeth]

So as I have posted recently, I was snubbed by a family member about attending a family gathering last weekend. 

I have a problem that is bothering me, WHAT AM I TO DO ABOUT THOSE WHO KNEW I WAS SNUBBED, YET ATTENDED THE GATHARING?  in one sense I get it - it is a family affair and you want to see everyone else.  However, those closest to me went anyway and it felt that was supporting the person who told me not to attend.

Am I just being foolish, is this a non-issue?  Or did they directly not show me support by attending anyway.  I had a more distant cousin not attend because of this, however, those closest to me (I thought) attended anyway!

I am hurt y this!

Love and hugs, Marcie

[Northern Star Girl]

@Marcieelizabeth
Dear Marcie:
In my threads I detailed my "family and friends" experiences that I had when I traveled back to my home town at Christmas time.  My parents, especially my dad, still do not accept me but they tolerated my presence at the holiday family events.  I had cousins and other extended family and old friends that did accept me in a friendly way, and some did not, and the one's that did not accept me were very vocal about it.  I attended the events anyway...
 
As is my normal behavior in things regarding my transition, I did not in any way shove my transgender life-style in their faces... I dressed conservatively and respectively and acted in a gracious and calm manner in spite of the non-acceptance.   

Words spoken in anger can not be taken back, nor can they be easily forgotten so I made certain that I bit my tongue...  if they want to say untoward things, which they did, that is their problem that they have to deal with.   
I do not want any regrets for the things that I do or say down the road in the future when there may be events like funerals, weddings, etc....   my policy is to not have regrets but to attend the family events in a respectful way... after all, they will always be my family.

I wish I had a clear message of advice for you, but everyone's situation with family and friends is different...   tread carefully, tread lightly, and consider being with your family at these events....   but it is entirely your decision of course, do what you have to do and as you feel so led.

HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle

So as I have posted recently, I was snubbed by a family member about attending a family gathering last weekend. 

I have a problem that is bothering me, WHAT AM I TO DO ABOUT THOSE WHO KNEW I WAS SNUBBED, YET ATTENDED THE GATHARING?  in one sense I get it - it is a family affair and you want to see everyone else.  However, those closest to me went anyway and it felt that was supporting the person who told me not to attend.

Am I just being foolish, is this a non-issue?  Or did they directly not show me support by attending anyway.  I had a more distant cousin not attend because of this, however, those closest to me (I thought) attended anyway!

I am hurt y this!

Love and hugs, Marcie

[Gertrude]

Tribal stuff. They made a choice based on unwritten rules. You get to make choices too. You can ask them about it and find out if they understand the consequences of their actions or you can move on, either in another direction or as if nothing happened. It depends on what these people mean to you. I don’t know the people involved, but the sting in any rebuke is the truth. If it’s not true, then don’t own it. I hope you find peace in this.


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[mouseish]

Theres family and rhen theres relatives.  Those folk sound like relatives

[Devlyn]

"What to do about contradictions in friends/family?"

Throw your own party and tell the bigots in your family they're not invited?

I'm going to be blunt, this is nothing for a grown-ass woman to feel crushed by. Stand up for yourself.

[Paul Muad-Dib]

Family is always a source of potential drama. They'll do whatever they will do. Might as well accept what they will do and ignore the ones who have a problem, and try to just enjoy your time with the ones who are ok.

[AllieSF]

Not knowing all the details it is hard to really comment much about the snub.  I am not sure how long you have been out to them, but from my own personal experience some people need a "lot" of time to come to grips with the whole situation.  I personally, based on your short explanation above, would write it off for now, maybe talk to those who went anyway and then come to terms with the total situation.  I also would not expect someone to not go because I was not invited, unless it was a very personal and important occasion, and even then I am not sure what I would do. 

I was supposed to go to a wedding of a close friend of my daughter in Cancun, Mexico, and I was invited to go as Allie by the bride to be.  However, after almost a year before the wedding, my daughter was apparently making a very big deal of Dad going to as a woman..  I got into an argument with her in March of last year, didn't go to the wedding, everyone else invited went too, and I didn't talk with her until last Thanksgiving when she was coerced by other family members to invite me to dinner as myself.  So, in my case I dealt with it, suffered and am now precariously on the road to better relations with my daughter.  I hope that helps you.  Please let us know what you feel now.

[Marcieelizabeth]

Not knowing all the details it is hard to really comment much about the snub.  I am not sure how long you have been out to them, but from my own personal experience some people need a "lot" of time to come to grips with the whole situation.  I personally, based on your short explanation above, would write it off for now, maybe talk to those who went anyway and then come to terms with the total situation.  I also would not expect someone to not go because I was not invited, unless it was a very personal and important occasion, and even then I am not sure what I would do. 

I was supposed to go to a wedding of a close friend of my daughter in Cancun, Mexico, and I was invited to go as Allie by the bride to be.  However, after almost a year before the wedding, my daughter was apparently making a very big deal of Dad going to as a woman..  I got into an argument with her in March of last year, didn't go to the wedding, everyone else invited went too, and I didn't talk with her until last Thanksgiving when she was coerced by other family members to invite me to dinner as myself.  So, in my case I dealt with it, suffered and am now precariously on the road to better relations with my daughter.  I hope that helps you.  Please let us know what you feel now.

Thanks Allie,

for your support and thoughts, I feel lonely.  I have over many years woven my life in with my wife nd her family.  they were not just her family, but friends, and as if they were my own.  I realized that some were shall we say bigoted and definitely homophobic.  I wish when I received the uninvite I had asked "what changes in my life?"  just to get them to say what they meant, I was in my mind too kind.  But that is my nature.  As far as my wife going without me, I do care, it is just another example of her willingness to go places without me, never with me.  Thanks again,

Marcie

[AllieSF]

Wow Marcie.  I didn't know that the family member was your wife.  In that case I would have been very hurt too and pissed off.  You probably handled it better than I would have.  Good luck going forward and stay strong.  You are important regardless how others treat you.