Topic: Therapist refused me bacause I have childrens

[Medusa]

Hi
I was today at therapist, and she refused me to transit because I have two small childrens (newborn and 1.5 year), her opinion is that childrens have to have a "father".
But for me children was one of main reasons to transit because I realise, that I can't hold a mask of male any longer.
So what to do now?

[justmeinoz]

Find a therapist who is competent, professional and unbiased, instead of one who is incompetent, unprofessional and biased.

[VeryGnawty]

her opinion is that childrens have to have a "father".

This is a common misconception.  What children actually need is a parent who is competent enough to teach them how to be caring and productive human beings.  The gender of the parent is irrelevant.

[Sarah B]

Hi Medusa

The following advice is absolutely correct

Find a therapist who is competent, professional and unbiased, instead of one who is incompetent, unprofessional and biased.

Plus

What children actually need is a parent who is competent enough to teach them how to be caring and productive human beings.  The gender of the parent is irrelevant.

So run, do not walk away from your therapist who said you cannot do what you want to do.

Kind regards
Sarah B

[Padma]

I think it's very important for children to have loving adults around them of both genders (so they learn what good women and men are like) - but they don't have the be the parents, the biology of it is pretty irrelevant compared to the love. Many biological parents are rubbish at love anyway. Find yourself a better therapist.

[spacial]

That opinions seems to go against current thinking which says that children thrive in a decent, caring, family environment. Since your condition makes it difficult for you to function, her refusal to treat you seems to be to the detriment of the children.

[Janet_Girl]

Fire her arse right now.  It is obvious she does not know anything about being trans.  Find a gender consular, they will help you through this.  General therapists don't know anything.

[annette]

Hi Medusa


It looks to me that your therapist is born before the civil war.
Your therapist is telling you <not allowed>.
Children do need the love and understanding of loving parents, that's all.
You better get the hell out of there and find a therapist who knows something about gender issues.
I actually didn't know that this kind of people really still exist, having an expensive education for therapist and than talking bulls**t.

Good luck with finding another one.
hugs
annette

[Nigella]

It sounds to me by the kind of thought process your therapist is using doesn't know a thing about <not allowed> and GID and you need to find someone that does instead of someone that is talking out of their butt, sorry for the metaphor. A good therapist would not come up with that kind of an opinion who is supposedly counselling you for gender identity disorder.

They should be looking at the best way for you to be happy in yourself. That may or may not mean transition and it certainly doesn't mean you have to take an opinion of someone else unless it is valid. Counsellors are there to help YOU find out about how deep your GID is and help towards finding a way forward that will allow you to live a productive and happier life. I can understand why we need to think things through. Its a hard road to travel and its a road where there is no return. There have thankfully been very few who have regretted their transition but there are some. That's why its so important to get a good therapist that can GUIDE and I repeat, GUIDE, you in this process.

I hope that I'm making sense.

Stardust

[Mindy]

I feel your frustration as I have seen therapists since I was 8 years old and I have been told to grow up and act like a man I am now 48 and just found a therapist that actually understands what I have been through.  It was a blessing finally a proffessionial who doesn't look at me like a freak or pervert but that I was born in the wrong body HELLO. 
I am using an online therapist and love it,  Please don't give up.

[japple]

Find the right one!

I've told this story before but I actually had a well respected lesbian gender therapist who made me feel like <not allowed>.  She gave me articles on autogynephelia and tried to tell me this was all from an abusive father then split on vacation for a month.

Now I have a great general therapist who has helped me in so many ways...I feel amazing. I trust her so much.

[justmeinoz]

There are Therapists and Therapists.
Are we talking about a Psychiatrist with a Degree, or someone who has done a course at the local Church Hall?
 They all get the tag 'Therapist', but unless they have some letters after their name, are not going to be of much help as far as the SOC and letters for Hormones or SRS.

[Chloe]

her opinion is that children have to have a "father" . . . So what to do now?

You ARE and will always be their "father", that's a flat fact that should never change especially as they grow older . . .

Question is: What does their mother think of you as she holds the feminist power, if so inclined,  to render this entire discussion /  problem as a PURELY ACADEMIC, non-issue for sure!

Question question is: what different kind/type of "woman parent" are you contemplating on being for yourself not possibly even knowing at this point in time whether you'll indeed mean something/anything in your children's lives or not at all?

As the older, loving and loved parent of two, 11 and 13, who is in almost constant conflict with their mother these days I HIGHLY SUGGEST, if your close relationship together means anything to you and want to ensure it survives and grows at all, that you put off your desired outward transition until such a time as your children catch up and start to truly appreciate the UNIQUE (more qualified?) PERSON THAT IS YOU. Do not even think of attempting to replace the role that is going to remain exclusively HERS for now . . . until such a time as their love and acceptance will easily keep pace with what you then truly can go ahead and be!

I'd much rather be a highly "effeminate looking" father than just another probably forever childless "trans-woman" - if you indeed think your up to the rigors and rewards of being a great "Mr Mom" then others "confusion & misconceptions" about "who's who and what" solely becomes THEIR PROBLEM and NOT YOURS!

Plan accordingly and carefully - a "poster parent", under any/much lessor circumstances, certainly never does come easy (and you tell THAT so-called "therapist" NEVER-MIND, "your right" 'cause YA CERTAINLY DON'T EVEN NEED HER "APPROVAL" ANYWAY)!

 

[Asfsd4214]

This is a common misconception.  What children actually need is a parent who is competent enough to teach them how to be caring and productive human beings.  The gender of the parent is irrelevant.

How is it a misconception, exactly?

Is there any evidence that children are not detrimentally affected by not having two parents of opposite genders?

To be honest, I think the opinion that having a childs father transition is probably detrimental to the childs upbringing is a perfectly valid one. I don't know if it's true or not, odds are nobody does for sure. But it's a valid one to have, and one I personally think is probably accurate.

Sorry to be so negative, but personally if I had a choice between an upbringing in a two parent male female upbringing, or a lesbian transgender upbringing, I'd pick the former.

Sometimes reality doesn't cooperate with what's politically correct. Unfortunate but true.

[LordKAT]

Sorry to be so negative, but personally if I had a choice between an upbringing in a two parent male female upbringing, or a lesbian transgender upbringing, I'd pick the former.

I'd take the parents that didn't fight over everything and could get me food, home and even some toys over a set of parents where at least one of them is consistently miserable and or aloof.  There is often more than one way to look at something but until you experience them both, it is still only conjecture.

[Asfsd4214]

I'd take the parents that didn't fight over everything and could get me food, home and even some toys over a set of parents where at least one of them is consistently miserable and or aloof.  There is often more than one way to look at something but until you experience them both, it is still only conjecture.

Well seeing as you can't experience both, then the assertion that a transgender parenting upbringing does no harm is equally unfounded.

And really your argument is flawed. I didn't mention anything about the interaction of the parents with each other, all other things equal, I tend to doubt a trans or gay upbringing is equal to a straight one.

[LordKAT]

My arguement isn't flawed as I made no arguement. I made a statement based on past experience.As to arguement, a trans person who does not transition is not happy and that can make for a miserable marriage and bad parenting.

Well seeing as you can't experience both, then the assertion that a transgender parenting upbringing does no harm is equally unfounded.

Children of same sex parents have not been found to be in any worse or better shape than those raised by opposite sex parents.

Based on those 2 likely things, I still would make the same choice. Gender of parents not being the most important part of my decision but parenting ability and happiness being important.

http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_pare2.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_parenting

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/news/20051012/study-same-sex-parents-raise-well-adjusted-kids

[Padma]

...Gender of parents not being the most important part of my decision but parenting ability and happiness being important...

Agreed. I think it's very important for kids to have loving men and women around them as they're growing up, so they can see what loving men and women are like (while they work out which one they want to be* ) - but those don't need to be the biological parents, just need to be consistently around and consistently loving.

I find it hilarious and depressing in equal amounts how the conservative forces of the world bang on about the importance of marriage and m/f-ness for happy families, against the backdrop of appalling track record of both m/f-ness and marriage with regard to happy families. I think it's just brand loyalty .

* it's an artistic device, I know there aren't just the two options, okay?

[Eonist]

Is there any evidence that children are not detrimentally affected by not having two parents of opposite genders?

A quick Google search later:
Yes, there is a lot of evidence.

http://www.apa.org/monitor/dec05/kids.aspx
http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_with_lesbian_gay_bisexual_and_transgender_parents
http://www.rsu.edu/faculty/rboughner/courses/Intro/Alternative%20activities/Children%20of%20gays.pdf

[rejennyrated]

How is it a misconception, exactly?

Is there any evidence that children are not detrimentally affected by not having two parents of opposite genders?

To be honest, I think the opinion that having a childs father transition is probably detrimental to the childs upbringing is a perfectly valid one. I don't know if it's true or not, odds are nobody does for sure. But it's a valid one to have, and one I personally think is probably accurate.

Sorry to be so negative, but personally if I had a choice between an upbringing in a two parent male female upbringing, or a lesbian transgender upbringing, I'd pick the former.

Sometimes reality doesn't cooperate with what's politically correct. Unfortunate but true.

All the evidence that I have seen tells us that oddly enough children brought up in a Lesbian relationship actually seem to do better than those brought up with a man. This was announced with huge publicity and amusement on the radio in the UK some months back, however I suspect that it may just be an oddity of the statistics and the reality is that there is indeed no difference.

I know of people who have grown up in households where a partner has transitioned. In fact if the transition happens while the children are very small it has no visible effect. The time when it gets nasty is when it happens when the child is of teenage years and then friends and so on can be very cruel indeed.

Now remember the prognosis for untreated trans people is that most of them CAN'T stay the course. If you deny them the ability to transition the dam eventually breaks. Either they transition at the worst possible time, when the child is just starting puberty, or they walk out or commit suicide and the child ends up growing up without them.

So the choice here is not between having two well adjusted "normal" parents or having one trans-parent. It is between having one parent of the two who is too emotionally crippled to function properly, or two functioning parents, one of whom happens to have transitioned.

So you will understand why I must disagree with your view. Quite simply from my own observations I feel that it is both ill thought through and factually in error. That said I have no wish to fall out or engage in pointless debate on this so I will simply state my case and respectfully agree to differ.