Hello everyone,
I have now for a very long time known something was just not right, I never had the nerve to talk about it on a forum before. I didn't know then because I was too young, but after my mid teens or so I started to put everything together. For as long as I can remember, I have been a calm and quiet person and never liked being violent or aggressive. This coupled with my connection to my emotions and femininity had me at a very huge disadvantage growing up as a child in a religiously charge area and in a culture that valued the "macho".
Liking to wear makeup, sneaking on my mother's underwear when I was 6 and feeling so happy and comfortable. Always wondered why I had to feel bad that I liked both robots AND dolls, that I was soft spoken and socialized with girls for more than just getting laid. I had many family members even wonder or downright believe I was gay; in a way, they were right I suppose.
Talking about how I felt inside about who and what I KNEW I was, most people feigned understanding, others blurted out quips like " You are just going through a phase", "you didn't have a solid father figure in your life", "You can't sex change to a woman just to be a lesbian, that's CHEATING!" That last one was the most hurtful and puzzling. A lot of people seemed to have no concept of the separation of sexuality and gender identity and thought I was a gay man wanting to have sex with males as a woman, not a lesbian inside a male body.
For a long time I felt like I was some sort of criminal, a pervert condemned to hell on one side, and a gender cheater and "never a REAL woman" on other circles. Pain and depression constantly, and I never could tell anyone in my family, for none of them actually could understand and vocally condemned someone such as I. I turned to my art as an escape, drawing fashion and features that sent me into my own little sanctuary of hope and imagination of me being free to be who I am. Many a night waking up in tears after a dream where I was finally, FINALLY female shattered into the reality of my dark bedroom.
I turned to online gaming to see if I could have a pastime that someone artistically inclined (and a fan of science fiction and fantasy) could get into. It worked for a while, with me still being afraid of being "found out" I chose a male avatar instead of my instinctually female impulse. It was fun but i still felt dishonest, meeting new people in a space where I could have truly introduced as female and actually (ironically) been more honest than in person. After some disastrous "relationships" online and some very liberating flings as a gay female character, I was sort of in a hollow place. Never really feeling understood or "myself".
After some turns of circumstance I had my first real relationship at 18 and embarassingly, my first kiss. Looking back I feel like I was somewhat karmically connected to certain women, every single one I went further than just casual meeting and friendship had actually been identified as bisexual and I somehow felt that my inner femininity was a deciding factor in their attraction to me. That factor made me entertain the idea that someday i could tell "the truth".
As "happily ever after" as I wish it was, the truth of the relationship and the person proved too much to bear and a bad breakup ensued. I was so depressed I stayed in bed and barely came out for more than necessities (sometimes not even eating) for near a month. Being coaxed by a friend to get out of my rut, I went back into the online world, what once seemed whimsical and adventurous now seemed dull and a nerdy obsession that I somehow should be ashamed of. Going along with a group of fellow adventurers we proceed to assault a fortress of bad guys with 2 other individuals. When everyone was AFK for a break I stayed on and was approached by the only female character in our group. She was proud of having received a pair of very attractive mail pants and was calling them her "sexy pants".
In my bitter funk I very politely yet sullenly asked for her to refrain from talking about any flirtations. Being curious she asked what was wrong, and was tenderly insistent. Little did I know that a small chat with a stranger grew to friendship, grew to companionship and eventually grew to love. When it came time to exchange information about how we looked I was nervous. " I may be hideous, or you wouldn't like my hair..' I went off with a laundry list of insecure reasons. She let me know how silly i was being and said " Young, old, skinny, fat, man, WOMAN, I love WHO you are no matter WHAT you are."
My heart was aflutter at those words. After months of Skype and picture exchanges, I decided to visit her, I wasn't living in Canada at the time but she was. I took the nerve wracking trip and the moment I arrived at that airport and saw her I dropped my luggage in that sappy movie way and we rushed to each other and we kissed for what seemed like a second and forever all at the same time. After that we spent time together, she flew over to live with me, we got married there and had a false alarm for parenthood. (It didn't work well with the state of things but we eventually moved to Canada and have stayed ever since.)
Before the move back, I had one of the scariest moments in my life: Telling my wife about the real me. I knew she was a tolerant, kind soul, someone who did not believe in labels or judging, but that didn't stop me from being scared >-bleeped-<less. I blurted out what I thought was a coherent statement, about my true feelings, how I feared I would not be loved by my family and how she would reject me if I wasn't able to 'father" a child for us. It did not go well because of the fact that in my addled and blabbering way I had made her think i was just biding time and was going to leave once I made the transition but I was waiting to impregnate her first( with how blunt and vulgar that sounded I wouldn't blame her being upset.).
She stomped away and in desperation I let my mother know in as light a way possible "I SOMETIMES WISH I was a girl." Not "Mom I am your daughter!", not " I KNOW I am a woman in my heart and soul."
Mom seemed surprised but ok, I later learned she wasn't but she went with it and took my wife out with her to talk. I was nervous for the next 2 hours, crying and pacing, not knowing if this meant losing the greatest love I had. When they came back I just stood there in tears, and all she did was rush to me and hug me, whispering " I love you" over and over. I knew then that she indeed was my soulmate.
After moving to Canada and having multiple problems with work and housing we had a good setup to get on our feet with the help of her family. I resumed to talk to her in detail about myself and how I felt. She had some misconceptions that we cleared up, I was NOT into men and I was not desiring her to change for me or be "butch". I loved her just for being her and I wanted her to know that it wasn't a phase or that i wanted a certain style change. To this day I am not 100% sure if she is totally comfortable with it and if we were to have a child, she asked that I not transition for the confusion of daddy suddenly being another mommy. She was ok with it happening before a child, wether I still kept my genitals or we ended up adopting, which she was more than ok there being two mommies from the start.
Now, after reconnecting with my mom after her divorce and being in a family house again, there is a bittersweet sense to it. We have thanksgiving and Christmas together again and I have mended relations with my sister, who after having our dad leave, seemed to project the resentment of the "man" who left on me when I was living apart from her. The huge problem now is that, even though my stepdad is good to her and has her genuinely happy, he has DEEP religious and philosophical ideals that lead towards misogynistic tendencies. I had a "talk" with him and I was mortified, I didn't know wether to cry or punch him. Things like " As the logical gender..", " We are predispositioned by nature to provide and not be told what to do.", " It says in the bible that no man should EVER be submissive to a woman."
All of those words might as well have been daggers stabbing me in the heart. When I told my wife, the anger and indignation was palpable, she decided to tolerate it for the sake of harmony and that we had no other place to go til we got enough income to set out on our own.
It is in this situation, after giving this novel of a life story, that I come here to these forums. I know I have the support of my wife, even though I still sense SOMETHING bothers her about it but not the fact that it is who I am. I know I have the support of my sister, even though I have not told her, she is kind and accepting and struggling with her own sexuality and feeling insecure. I would not want to burden her with my own problems as she is developing, but I will sure as hell be there as her undercover big sister always. My mom is mostly tolerant, she has a lot of traditional upbringing to shake, and i cannot ever tell her how much it hurts when she makes seemingly displeased comments towards transsexuals or crossdressers on TV.
So it is with trepidation and being extremely scared, with still a lot of questions that i set myself out on the community, to help better understand myself and others and make the day a bit brighter by knowing I have kindred spirits out there.
Thank you for taking the time to read this <3
welcome Vicky, don't apologize for sharing your story. That's what we are all here for. Tons of info and helpful ppl on this site.
Welcome Vicky. I would like to add that we have a "Significant Others" board for the spouses and families of TG/TS members.
You would both benefit, I think.
Hi Vicky. I'm happy you've join us.
From one Victoria to another, Aloha!!!
Go easy on yourself. Easy on others.
Enjoy life, its trials and tribulations.
Again, aloha!
P.S. Contrary to popular belief, aloha does not mean "Hello" and "Goodbye".
"Aloha" means: "Live with the breath of life." Which makes a helluva greeting or farewell.
Quote from: LJP on January 08, 2014, 10:03:41 PM
welcome Vicky, don't apologize for sharing your story. That's what we are all here for. Tons of info and helpful ppl on this site.
Thanks so much!
Quote from: Jamie D on January 08, 2014, 10:14:38 PM
Welcome Vicky. I would like to add that we have a "Significant Others" board for the spouses and families of TG/TS members.
You would both benefit, I think.
Thank you. Once I am ready to start up a dialogue again I will let her know. :)
Quote from: Tori on January 08, 2014, 10:46:42 PM
From one Victoria to another, Aloha!!!
Go easy on yourself. Easy on others.
Enjoy life, its trials and tribulations.
Again, aloha!
P.S. Contrary to popular belief, aloha does not mean "Hello" and "Goodbye".
"Aloha" means: "Live with the breath of life." Which makes a helluva greeting or farewell.
Thank you for the kind words. I did not know that about Aloha, that is beautiful! Thanks for sharing. :)
If I may ask: Do you know if in these forums or some other website they have a transgender art thread? Nothing lewd or inappropriate, just some art of myself and general fashion and characters that I would like to post in a safe environment.
Thanks in advance!
A big warm welcome to the family little sister! You have made a wise decision to join our little tribe as we have all the knowledge, compassion, caring and anything else you could possibly need for your journey, your SO as well. You will get true stories and experiences from people who live with this every day and share that knowledge when asked. This is a safe place where you can ask, rant, vent and find a shoulder to cry on whenever you need it. Relax, pull up a chair and dig right in. If I can ever assist you I am just a PM away, the same for your SO also. Here are a couple of BIG HUGs ( :icon_hug: :icon_hug:) to start you and your SO on your new journeys in life! :)
Welcome Vicky to Susan's and thank you for sharing your story!
Your with friends here, a lot of people with similar stories and similar feelings, some with different! I came to Susan's in august, and while I have yet to come-out or hrt, Susans has "really" helped me come to terms with 20+ years of feelings of wanting to be female.
I to turned to online gaming and at first made male characters, but every time I did It didn't feel right. Now all I do is make female characters even when my RL friends tease me about it.
If you every need just to talk feel free to look me up I am always willing to talk!
Quote from: Vicky84 on January 08, 2014, 11:33:26 PM
If I may ask: Do you know if in these forums or some other website they have a transgender art thread? Nothing lewd or inappropriate, just some art of myself and general fashion and characters that I would like to post in a safe environment.
Thanks in advance!
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,313.0.html
Here, in the Hobbies section
Quote from: Jamie D on January 08, 2014, 11:53:14 PM
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,313.0.html
Here, in the Hobbies section
Perfect! Thanks again! One last thing, If I may: Is there a way I can add my custom avatar to my profile or is it a reputation/post count based thing?
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on January 08, 2014, 11:41:11 PM
A big warm welcome to the family little sister! You have made a wise decision to join our little tribe as we have all the knowledge, compassion, caring and anything else you could possibly need for your journey, your SO as well. You will get true stories and experiences from people who live with this every day and share that knowledge when asked. This is a safe place where you can ask, rant, vent and find a shoulder to cry on whenever you need it. Relax, pull up a chair and dig right in. If I can ever assist you I am just a PM away, the same for your SO also. Here are a couple of BIG HUGs ( :icon_hug: :icon_hug:) to start you and your SO on your new journeys in life! :)
Thank you very much! This is all quite overwhelming but in a good way!
Quote from: Aina on January 08, 2014, 11:50:43 PM
Welcome Vicky to Susan's and thank you for sharing your story!
Your with friends here, a lot of people with similar stories and similar feelings, some with different! I came to Susan's in august, and while I have yet to come-out or hrt, Susans has "really" helped me come to terms with 20+ years of feelings of wanting to be female.
I to turned to online gaming and at first made male characters, but every time I did It didn't feel right. Now all I do is make female characters even when my RL friends tease me about it.
If you every need just to talk feel free to look me up I am always willing to talk!
Thank you for the kind offer! I seldom make male characters unless the game has no female characters to choose or the male character has some sort of artistic or roleplay quality that interests me. I make mostly females and spend hours creating characters and outfits for them, much more than actually playing them! XP
Quote from: Vicky84 on January 09, 2014, 07:54:41 AM
I make mostly females and spend hours creating characters and outfits for them, much more than actually playing them! XP
This made my morning! *giggle* :laugh:
welcome, hugs all around
Quote from: Vicky84 on January 09, 2014, 07:54:41 AM
Thank you for the kind offer! I seldom make male characters unless the game has no female characters to choose or the male character has some sort of artistic or roleplay quality that interests me. I make mostly females and spend hours creating characters and outfits for them, much more than actually playing them! XP
A girl after my own heart. ;)
I literally can spend hours adjusting change my characters looks, outfits, color schemes. It all must match and flow with the overall design!
I don't understand my friends who just go with the default....
Hi Vicky, welcome to a wonderful, informative, and friendly place!
I'm a rather new poster (second one both total and today) but I have looked through the forums for awhile now, either way, welcome all the same. The people here all seem very friendly and supportive. I wish you the best of luck for your future.
Quote from: Renegade Duck on January 10, 2014, 12:40:36 AM
I'm a rather new poster (second one both total and today) but I have looked through the forums for awhile now, either way, welcome all the same. The people here all seem very friendly and supportive. I wish you the best of luck for your future.
Thank you. :)
Quote from: Kim 526 on January 09, 2014, 06:18:43 PM
Hi Vicky, welcome to a wonderful, informative, and friendly place!
Thank you very much!
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on January 09, 2014, 07:57:34 AM
This made my morning! *giggle* :laugh:
I am glad I could make someone laugh! ;D
Quote from: Aina on January 09, 2014, 03:07:54 PM
A girl after my own heart. ;)
I literally can spend hours adjusting change my characters looks, outfits, color schemes. It all must match and flow with the overall design!
I don't understand my friends who just go with the default....
I know right? :P
I was also wondering if you could help me understand how to add buddies, add an avatar image or add more info to an account. I can't see where anywhere.
Quote from: Vicky84 on January 10, 2014, 10:43:21 PM
I know right? :P
I was also wondering if you could help me understand how to add buddies, add an avatar image or add more info to an account. I can't see where anywhere.
I believe you need a number of post first before you can add buddies, I and to add an avatar. Took me while can't remember but I don't think it was to many.
Quote from: Aina on January 10, 2014, 11:36:59 PM
I believe you need a number of post first before you can add buddies, I and to add an avatar. Took me while can't remember but I don't think it was to many.
Ah, ok! I suspected that. I suppose I will have to keep responding and commenting naturally and it will pop up! ;D
Quote from: Aina on January 10, 2014, 11:36:59 PM
I believe you need a number of post first before you can add buddies, I and to add an avatar. Took me while can't remember but I don't think it was to many.
There! finally was able to upload a bit of my self portrait! I did this therapeutically one day, not finished yet but it was so liberating to have an expression of my art and who I am joined. This is my actual face ( the hair is a bit crazy and since changed my taste) It has a bit of makeup and what I might look like after some time of HRT. I have a punky kind of girl style that totally is not what people would think I would wear and I would definitely have these piercings and tattoos if I went through the complete change. I am missing my glasses which I find make me look good :)
Sorry Vicky,
You slipped through the greeting net!
My apologies, this may help you.
welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way :) Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
Hugs and Welcome
Cindy
Quote from: Cindy on January 11, 2014, 02:16:51 AM
Sorry Vicky,
You slipped through the greeting net!
My apologies, this may help you.
welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way :) Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
Hugs and Welcome
Cindy
That is perfectly fine, these things happen! I am so grateful for the warm welcome and it has been very therapeutic having such a supportive group of individuals that can empathize. :)
I previously posted this on a different thread but decided to post it here in case some of you lovely helpful people were watching this one at all!
I joined the forum a few weeks ago and I must say, it has improved my life drastically. I was being noticeably more upbeat and amiable after knowing I was not as alone as I thought. I had discussed my true feelings and my Dysphoria with my wife before, but this sparked a series of events that ended up in a VERY big week.
I want to start off by saying that the love and marriage I have are the deepest and most fulfilling I have ever had anything be in my life so far, I have true mature love and support and I am lucky to have married my best friend. She never subscribed to assigning gender labels or societal labels on anyone, she is just as comfortable with a hetero cis male dressing in a feminine way as she would if they were gay, bi, FtM or anything in this prismatic range that is people. That is why it was hard for me to explain what had taken me more than 25 years to understand about myself. I had been asked why go for GRS when i can just shave and grow my hair long and dress as girly as I want. She always goes on to describe stilettos blonde wigs and pink tube tops in her examples, which were really irritating but I knew she was jesting. I could not express to her the deep longing I had to be as outwardly female as I felt, it ended up sounding superficial and the word selfish was mentioned when discussions got heated sometimes.
I try very hard to explain that even if I were to just live it out dressing, behaving and identifying as the way I am, I would feel severely dishonest; rolling in tar and feathers and telling everyone "Hey I'm a chicken!" I just would not feel genuine to myself and therefore others and I would just end up coming off as a fake caricature of myself.
Now not all is gloom and doom, there is a surprising turn of events that happened earlier in this: I was very tired, as I always am after years of heavy depression I have long bouts of extreme tiredness that make me unable to even sit and enjoy a movie or a computer game, which ended up aggravating the depression and the cycle goes on. As I stayed home and slept through longer that i wanted, my wife and mother came home from shopping and one of them had said loudly and jokingly in a deep voice how they were going to steal stuff and take the tv and computers. At that time I had woken up startled and thought the "robbers" were at my sister's room. The feeling of panic and personal failure at my constant sleeping through things reached a critical mass and I was a drowsy apologetic mess, which severely irritates my wife when I am always sorry. We stayed in the kitchen and started to argue and it then turned into a fight. Being the mama bird she is, my mom tried to referee and play the moderator but her own feelings got in the way majorly. Mom did not know the underlying issues of my reserved and apologetic nature, so she though i was being oppressed. My wife has always been a no nonsense, 'suck it up buttercup' kind of teacher, and while that clashes with my more sensitive personality it has helped and we both try to understand each other's personalities in a healthy way. But sometimes I have trouble noticing that I just need to let something go and move past it as she has trouble noticing that sometimes I just need to be held and told it is all going to be ok, regardless of the situation at hand.
After that at dinner, the tension was palpable and mom just burst out, saying that our relationship was "sick" (this was regarding her perceived submissive role that I was taking in my marriage) and that word
made me feel like it was directed at me, I somehow felt that I was being told I was "sick" and the choking fear and nerves crept up my spine and chest.
Effectively blaming my wife for me being broken and depressed, my wife ended up being so angry she packed bags to leave (since we were living in a large town house with her so we could get back on our feet financially). I was at a total loss as to what to do, caught in the middle of two people i loved who didn't understand each other because they didn't fully understand me. I then decided to do the scariest thing I could think of: Come out to my mom. Now, my mom was not horrible and intolerant, far from it. She, my sister, wife and myself are Wiccan and have known intolerance because of that and open minds are abound, but it was still scary.
I came up and started to explain, as I trembled and shook, with my voice breaking up, she got closer and held my hand and as I told her she just hugged me and kept telling me she loved me. It was like breathing, a weight off I carried for so long. This confession ended up bridging a dialogue that led to my wife and mother to gain greater respect for each other and polarized our bonds. I later came out to my sister and that went fast and as casual s talking about movies, she was so ok with it it was funny!
What my dread was, and the BIG issue, was coming out to my stepdad. He is a huge guy and often (unintentionally) intimidating. After having a talk on a car ride just the two of us, regarding his not at all un-misogynistic views on gender roles and his Romano-Catholic position on a man not suffering a woman to be above him. After having that talk urge me to tears and shakes when I came back home, I was ready for the worst when it came for me to say things. mom said she would "take care of him", I thought maybe hinting or suggesting but one day after they both came home, I was helping with dinner and they came up and he said "So, your mom told me." *Instant seize up* "T-told you?", "Yup." *dreadful silence* " Makes no difference to me, I am ok with it." *double takes taken, bricks being shat, all amounts of liquids being spit out enough to make a wall look like a Jackson Pollock*
So this big scary thing ended up just being OK! It was unbelievable and so very relieving. Later it was said that he really thought that he should be against it considering his faith and upbringing, but he just couldn't see anything wrong with it. Faith in humanity restored! All of this led to now, talks and talks about what i thought and felt, I ended up finding out mom felt hurt that I "didn't trust her" to say this to her until I was almost 30 and that it was kinda fishy I didn't indicate anything before just a few years back. I wanted to explain that I didn't fully understand myself, coupled with fear of ridicule, persecution, ETERNAL HELLFIRE... those kind of things give one pause to reflect. I never considered making anyone feel trapped by my decision, I realized I sort of came out after I got married, and there was the fear that I had known before that for sure and that I basically trapped her into a situation where she could not leave me, because she could not stop loving me. I hopefully soothed those fears, I don't know how eloquent I was, I am bad at communicating what i think on a good day.
We had been talking about how life will move on from here, how my family should treat me, how my intimate life will be (discussed with just my wife of course, cause otherwise..AWKWARD...)
I had basically given my wife no choice but to live as a lesbian, which again, she does have Bi tendencies but she thought she made a commitment when we married so it was hard for her to struggle with her feelings and needs over this. But after the clearest and deepest communication in years we are starting to see that we can have a very healthy intimate relationship and a very satisfying love life even after GRS, and maybe even especially after ;P
We had settled on doing the change slowly: Hair, skincare, manicure, wight loss, gender neutral clothing leaning towards popularly feminine styles ( until i lose enough weight i cannot shop in most female stores *sniff*) It will take an enormous expense especially us trying to get on our feet and getting our own place. Tallying all of it it would be near 7 figures of expenses that will have us struggling, and I do not want to be that selfish. The door is not closed on it however, and we will make a nice savings nook for it so I can eventually have the surgeries. I am hoping It will not be too late, but seeing so many great older ladies looking fantastic here, I don't feel so bad about it taking 5-10 years.
With all of that I end with a few questions for you wonderful people to help me out in deciding where to go.
1. Would anyone know the names of any clinics or support groups in British Columbia near Vancouver that provide the psychological evaluation and support needed before HRT?
2. How much would HRT round out my hips and butt? (very important to a latin lady!) I would like to not need to have hips/butt implants If I can help it.
3. Unless I am mistaken, most of us here are not millionaires, so I wonder how one could come about gaining the funds for the huge expenses of the doctors visits and surgeries on a minimum wage income?
4. I am very afraid of voice feminization surgery, I rather take vocal classes. Are there any free courses or videos that are easy to understand and comprehensive?
5.Are there any reliable forms of hair removal that can remove a LOT of hair from body-wide nooks and crannies without relative hassle, or do i have to hire a personal sheep-shearer for the rest of my life?
Thank you everyone for taking the time to read this, I hope my story helps others in some way as other stories have helped me.
Take care, and have a blessed day!
Sounds like everything went well Vicky, glad to hear it!
A few weeks ago I asked my mom what she would have named me had i been born a cis girl. She just smiled and said "Gabrielle". I felt chills and wanted to cry, it was like hearing my name for the first time, it was so bizarre and affirming. She didn't even name my sister that, that name was just for the being that is me from her. I know that we can choose our own names once we transition into our true gender, but it made me feel a definite affirmation knowing the name I would have been given in love and family. I will still keep the feminine of my first name, it is the part that I chose to change and reminds me of the road I have struggled to get to where I am. Gabrielle is the name that looks to the future, a rebirth into a truer, fuller life. So I am extremely proud to say: Hello, my name is Victoria Gabrielle! You can call me "Rielle" for short. :D
HI Rielle!