Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: jkredman on September 27, 2018, 02:29:23 PM

Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: jkredman on September 27, 2018, 02:29:23 PM
If you look at my introduction, you'll see I recently reached the point where I'm out of options and have to transition. 

My feelings today, are actually feelings of peace. 

I, Katherine Jannell, (Kate for short) have been suppressed for over 55 years.  Recently, I've been able to start living free!!!!

Today was my first day in public as me!!!! (As close as we're going right now since I have short grey hair.....)

I went out in public with my FeLiNa intimate wear, my Vera Wang 'Simply Vera' boot cut jeans, my LifeStride Wedge Sandals and my 38mm Apple Watch with the chain band with rhinestones on the links adjacent to the watch.

I went to my therapist's office and dropped off my new client paperwork (my first appointment is next Tuesday), went to Kohl's picked up an order and shopped a bit, and stopped by the liquor store/Gas Station, filled up my truck with diesel, and bought 2 different bottles of bourbon.

At Kohl's, the wonderful lady working at customer service, I think, recognized me.  Two weeks ago, she assumed I was picking up an order for my wife.  Today, I think she recognized I WAS wearing the  Vera Wang jeans I had previously picked up.  Today she was Gender Nuetral with me.  (Picked up some Leggings).

At the liquor store, there was another customer who looked at me a bit.  He seemed to notice my Life Stride Wedge sandals.  He was in line to check out slightly before me.  We both were purchasing bourbon.  My family is from bourbon country, and we started talking bourbon.  It was a very pleasant conversation.

If he noted anything feminine, he treated me with respect.  I didn't advertise, and he didn't comment.  At this point, less than a month into my transition, I'm incredibly happy with that.

It's been an incredible day for me, Kate, as I start this journey.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Northern Star Girl on September 27, 2018, 02:59:04 PM
@jkredman
Dear Kate:
It is wonderful that you started your own transition thread to document your transition journey and to make note of benchmark moments that you feel free to share.

Everyone here on the Forums that is transitioning or has transitioned fully understands what you are going through and can identify with many of the things that you may share.   

In addition to your transition thread here, I would also recommend that you keep a personal journal that is for your eyes only.   I personally keep an old-school pen and paper journal complete with colorful doodling.   
These kinds of things are good therapy and can be an excellent way to write down your successes and to vent your frustrations and disappointments.  So many times when I am going through my own difficulties, just the action of writing about it can help me to process my thoughts and often it helps me to formulate solutions.    It also makes for some good personal reading and review on a rainy or cold night while sitting in a comfortable chair in front of the fireplace.

Reading what you have said in your first posting on your new thread and from your postings on the various threads around the forums, I trust that you can keep a positive outlook as you continue in your transition journey.

As you implied on your postings in your Introduction thread, it appears that your wife is being quite supportive to you...  you should count you blessings with that because there are many here that do not have that kind of support from spouses and immediate family members.

I might comment that you should certainly continue seeing your therapist as often as necessary.  I do not see in any of your 10 postings that you have started HRT.  Is that in your plan and your goals as you continue talking with your therapist???  I only say this because any drugs and meds that you may be prescribed can have bad interactions with alcohol consumption...  and perhaps cut back a little on the 2 bottles of bourbon. ;)

Again, thank you for starting your transition thread.   I will be eagerly following your updates as you feel comfortable posting them.

Wishing you well,
Danielle

Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on September 27, 2018, 04:52:02 PM
Danielle:

Thanks for chiming in.

I'm hoping that working through my therapist I can start HRT very soon and coordinate care with my existing PCP.

If that doesn't work out, I've located 3 clinics within 100 or so miles of my home that provide hormones based on informed consent.

I've been on the antidepressant, SSRI, drugs for 25 years.  All I've ever gotten from them is the side effects.  They never touched my dysphoria. My issues were never about 'serotonin re-uptake.'

The alcohol consumption was really good at putting me, Kate, to sleep.   It took the edge off of Keith.  Keith understands it's sending us both to an early grave.  Now that Keith has made peace with me, and has agreed to let me flourish, it's naturally dropping.  We go days now without any alcohol.

Again thanks for your loving comments.

Kate


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on October 01, 2018, 12:34:18 PM
Well, today I had a minor setback and what amazes me is how emotional I am about it.

My counselor's office called this morning to reschedule tomorrows first appointment until 10/16.  Yes, it's only two weeks but I find myself back in the feeling of deep despair.  Two more weeks of imprisonment.

Then to add insult to injury the young lady that called misgendered me.

Ouch
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 01, 2018, 01:34:17 PM
Quote from: jkredman on October 01, 2018, 12:34:18 PM
Well, today I had a minor setback and what amazes me is how emotional I am about it.

My counselor's office called this morning to reschedule tomorrows first appointment until 10/16.  Yes, it's only two weeks but I find myself back in the feeling of deep despair.  Two more weeks of imprisonment.

Then to add insult to injury the young lady that called misgendered me.

Ouch

@jkredman
Dear Katie:
Hang in there girl, compared to the setbacks and changed/delayed appointments that some others experience, 2 weeks is nothing in comparison but I can understand your disappointment and frustration with it all.... and coupled with that was that you were also mis-gendered by your counselor's staff.   When you meet with your counselor you should be certain to mention that unpleasant event, there is no excuse for it particularly coming from the therapist's office that will be counseling you for gender issues.... no excuse for it happening.!!!!!

Do me (and you) a big favor and please keep the lids on tight on the 2 bottles of bourbon that we discussed several days ago.   Not a good plan to drown your disappointments with that sort of thing, you want to keep a clear head.

Hugs and well wishes to you,
Danielle
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on October 01, 2018, 04:18:56 PM
Danielle:

Thank You!

Hugs & best wishes back to you!
Katie


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Laurie on October 01, 2018, 05:47:50 PM
Hi Kate,

  It sounds to me like you are ready to start this journey. Well Hun, you have already. It matters not that you haven't talked to the therapist yet. You started when you first realized you were transgender. Talking to doctors and therapist are but steps towards your goal. I'm proud that you have taken the step to talk to someone about it. The time will pass and soon you will be face to face with the therapist. I only took me 64 years to take that step. so you are doing fine, Kate.
  I will say one thing in regard to your drinking. That is "There is no problem that alcohol cannot make worse" I say that as a recovering alcoholic. Shortly it will be 20 years sinse I had my last drink. I still say recovering because I have had times when I was ready to say "To hell with it" and start drinking again. The last time was when I was told for the second time that I was going to die in just a few months. I though "What the hell, it doesn't matter I am going to die anyway" But I didn't and that was 4 years ago. Now I am glad I didn't. Things in life can get difficult but drinking to make them go away doesn't work.
  Just hang in there girl.

Hugs ,
  Laurie
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on October 03, 2018, 06:02:13 AM
Yesterday, I had my minor setback with the reschedule of my counseling appointment.  As I noted, it didn't really make sense why I was so emotional about it.

I have to add that last night (Monday night), when I was going to bed, I broke down bawling....

Tonight (Tuesday night), I woke up at 2 AM and have been unable to go back to sleep.

It is now 6 AM, Wednesday, as I post this.


My thoughts are that I am most definitely a DES Daughter.  (Are there really any DES Sons?). For 8 months, that synthetic female hormone flooded my infant body.  Then on August 6, 1960, after 8 months of gestation, it abruptly stopped.

Is my head & heart begging for what it knew at the beginning of life?  Is that why it's so important to me to start HRT?

My counseling appointment is set for 10/16.  I have a backup plan with an appointment at Planned Parenthood for informed consent HRT on 10/18.

I want off the antidepressants (which have never done anything for me other than the side effects) and to return this body to what I think it's been missing and craving all these years.

It may be weird, but that's where my sleep deprived thoughts are.

Kate


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Gabrielle66 on October 03, 2018, 12:55:08 PM
Quote from: jkredman on October 03, 2018, 06:02:13 AM
Yesterday, I had my minor setback with the reschedule of my counseling appointment.  As I noted, it didn't really make sense why I was so emotional about it.

I have to add that last night (Monday night), when I was going to bed, I broke down bawling....

Tonight (Tuesday night), I woke up at 2 AM and have been unable to go back to sleep.

It is now 6 AM, Wednesday, as I post this.


My thoughts are that I am most definitely a DES Daughter.  (Are there really any DES Sons?). For 8 months, that synthetic female hormone flooded my infant body.  Then on August 6, 1960, after 8 months of gestation, it abruptly stopped.

Is my head & heart begging for what it knew at the beginning of life?  Is that why it's so important to me to start HRT?

My counseling appointment is set for 10/16.  I have a backup plan with an appointment at Planned Parenthood for informed consent HRT on 10/18.

I want off the antidepressants (which have never done anything for me other than the side effects) and to return this body to what I think it's been missing and craving all these years.

It may be weird, but that's where my sleep deprived thoughts are.

Kate


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Kate,

That's not weird at all. I am wondering about this one myself. I was born in 1966 and my Mom had a previous still birth before I was conceived. I have not asked her about his but she may not even recall at this point one way or another. It's kind of unsettling to think that a drug could have caused my gender identity confusion. No matter what the cause is, I get where you are at. I have my own new appointment on Friday with my new therapist. We are going to talk about an HRT timeline among other topics. Like you, I am starting to have real problems sleeping at all. I am very emotional about it all. It's hard not to cry at night before I go to sleep. If you ever need somebody to talk to about all of your struggles. I am here. I hope only the very best things for you. I do truly hope that HRT and wherever your transition takes you are the cure for what ails you. Love and faith to you Kate.

Gabrielle
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: pamelatransuk on October 04, 2018, 04:04:50 AM
Hello again Kate and Gabrielle

I note you were born in 1960 and 1966 respectively whereas I was a little earlier born in 1955.

I know exactly how you feel. I have known since 1959 that I am trans but managed to bury and suppress so many times  but in 2016 I was unable to rebury as it had become so dominant and last year I started therapy followed by HRT in February 2018. I know both have benefitted me.

I wish you both future happiness and to you Kate I hope all goes well on October 16th.

Hugs

Pamela
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on October 07, 2018, 09:50:37 PM
God, I hate my life!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on October 16, 2018, 07:26:40 PM
Today I met my "Transition Coach!!!!".

Happiest I've been in a long, long, time!!!!

We'll speak again next week.  Hurray!!!!

[emoji23]


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Gabrielle66 on October 16, 2018, 10:56:25 PM
Quote from: jkredman on October 16, 2018, 07:26:40 PM
Today I met my "Transition Coach!!!!".

Happiest I've been in a long, long, time!!!!

We'll speak again next week.  Hurray!!!!

[emoji23]


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Kate,

That's so much more positive than your last post. I'm happy to see you more positive again. The upbeat lady fits you so much better. So is your transition coach your therapist? Love and faith.

Gabrielle
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 16, 2018, 11:10:35 PM
Quote from: jkredman on October 16, 2018, 07:26:40 PM
Today I met my "Transition Coach!!!!".

Happiest I've been in a long, long, time!!!!

We'll speak again next week.  Hurray!!!!

[emoji23]

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

@jkredman
Wow, this is really great news...
....being positive and happy is so much better for you physically and mentally than the alternative.

Keep the good reports coming, I will be eagerly following your thread to check up on you.

Hugs, and well wishes,
Danielle
Title: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on October 17, 2018, 12:07:44 AM
Quote from: Gabrielle66 on October 16, 2018, 10:56:25 PM
Kate,

That's so much more positive than your last post. I'm happy to see you more positive again. The upbeat lady fits you so much better. So is your transition coach your therapist? Love and faith.

Gabrielle

So I live very close to the Missouri, Kansas, Arkansas border in Oklahoma.  This is Kansas City Chiefs country.

So she described her role as that of Andy Reed, the Chiefs Head Coach, and my role as that of Tyreek Hill the Chiefs Wide Receiver.  My therapist is my Head Coach she'll help guide me; as the Wide Receiver, I have to do the work to be successful.  I can relate.

Yes today has been one of the happiest days of my life!!!!

[emoji23]

I'll try not to be so emotional the next time I'm in that feeling of despair.

Kate


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on October 17, 2018, 12:23:01 AM
Quote from: jkredman on October 01, 2018, 12:34:18 PM
Well, today I had a minor setback and what amazes me is how emotional I am about it.

My counselor's office called this morning to reschedule tomorrows first appointment until 10/16.  Yes, it's only two weeks but I find myself back in the feeling of deep despair.  Two more weeks of imprisonment.

Then to add insult to injury the young lady that called misgendered me.

Ouch

One other side note - I didn't bring up the issue of the misgendering when my first appointment got rescheduled. 

The reschedule did come up briefly during our conversation today.

At the end of our conversation, my 'Transition Coach' volunteered that even though the insurance and legal paperwork still reflects my male name, she was going to coach / remind her team that I am a woman.  I am now Kate (Katherine Jannell) to them.

[emoji23]

I started crying at that point. 

(probably the 4th or 5th time I had tears welling up during the conversation.)


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 17, 2018, 12:37:25 AM
Quote from: jkredman on October 17, 2018, 12:23:01 AM
One other side note - I didn't bring up the issue of the misgendering when my first appointment got rescheduled. 

The reschedule did come up briefly during our conversation today.

At the end of our conversation, my 'Transition Coach' volunteered that even though the insurance and legal paperwork still reflects my male name, she was going to coach / remind her team that I am a woman.  I am now Kate (Katherine Jannell) to them.

[emoji23]

I started crying at that point. 

(probably the 4th or 5th time I had tears welling up during the conversation.)


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

@jkredman
Dear Katherine Jannell:   
I figured that you might like to see your full name written out.
You are still posting with wonderful and good news...  this is all very exciting for sure.

Wow, your Transition Coach is a real gem and seemingly and seriously cares for your feelings.
You found a good one for sure.

Keep your updates coming... if they are good news we will rejoice with you, if they are not so good news we will support you with our thought and hugs and listen to your description of your feelings and offer out shoulders for you to lean on or cry on.   We are your biggest fans.
Hugs,
Danielle
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Gabrielle66 on October 17, 2018, 12:41:39 AM
Quote from: jkredman on October 17, 2018, 12:23:01 AM
One other side note - I didn't bring up the issue of the misgendering when my first appointment got rescheduled. 

The reschedule did come up briefly during our conversation today.

At the end of our conversation, my 'Transition Coach' volunteered that even though the insurance and legal paperwork still reflects my male name, she was going to coach / remind her team that I am a woman.  I am now Kate (Katherine Jannell) to them.

[emoji23]

I started crying at that point. 

(probably the 4th or 5th time I had tears welling up during the conversation.)


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

You go Kate! All except for that Chiefs thing. Long suffering Chargers fan here. It's awesome that you appear to have found an amazing therapist that completely understands what you need and only wants to help you achieve it. Love and faith.

Gabrielle
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: pamelatransuk on October 17, 2018, 05:37:03 AM
Hello again Kate

I am so happy that your rescheduled appointment went ahead yesterday and that it was such a success which has given you such a fantastic boost. Glad also that the team will be advised (without your prompting) to gender you correctly.

Congratulations. What a wonderful day and what a wonderful therapist you have!

Hugs

Pamela
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on October 17, 2018, 04:34:26 PM
I'm thinking I need to rename this thread.   Also thinking I need to post a lone male picture for posterities sake:



Struggling a bit with my wife today.  She's noted I've pulled away some.  I tried to explain I'm scared of her at the moment.

I'm waiting for the blow up where I'm unfair, and 'for better or worse' didn't include me deceiving her (her words a few days after I came out).

Side note,  I realized keeping secrets about how screwed up I was/am made it easier to maintain my security clearances, at a much younger age, when I needed to.

My "Transition Coach's" office as a counselor that specializes in couples counseling and would also counsel my wife individually.  Today I'm thinking we're going to be taking advantage of those options.

Yesterday, my coach & I



On a positive note, the 3 skirts I bought were delivered today.  They fit perfect, are the right length; just above my knees, and I especially like the red one.

Now to find tops.
Kate


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Northern Star Girl on October 17, 2018, 04:49:31 PM
@jkredman
Dear Kate:
Thank you for posting your update....

I am trusting that you and your wife can come to an amicable agreement of mutual acceptance.
Regarding your counseling options, certainly individual counseling is beneficial for both you and your wife, BUT also you might want to consider couples counseling with you and your wife together discussing both of your issues with your the counselor.

Regarding your transition thread, you can rename it by sending me a Private Message with your desires and I will get the ball rolling for you....

You can post a picture on your thread and/or post a picture on your Avatar so anyone that looks at your posting and comments on various threads will see you picture.... obviously all of this is entirely your choice.

Thank you for posting your update....
Best Wishes to you.
Danielle
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on October 17, 2018, 05:13:30 PM
On a lighter note as we've all been there.

I took this picture starting a business trip home from San Francisco.  At the time I took it, I was thinking about how I don't like airplanes.

Today, I look at this and think about myself....
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181017/a685f14bff58aa6ad5203165d889ffe6.jpg)

Hopefully I've opened my pressure relief valve.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on October 19, 2018, 05:59:36 PM
Been kind a rough couple of days:

That said here is my transition song:

https://youtu.be/YVVTZgwYwVo




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on October 20, 2018, 10:02:11 AM
OK for posterity's sake.

Warning:  I'm not responsible for any broken display screens!!!

Pre HRT photos.

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181020/8cef9178c646994801e7288c65813658.jpg)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181020/5a55196e226e5f0b8b7b8b655eceae81.jpg)

OK hormones, I'm ready!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on October 20, 2018, 12:10:06 PM
Again, not responsible for breaking displays.

Here's a photo of an AMAB golf shirt with my new skirt.


(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181020/dea6e64bf642657a29409fb3cdd1c486.jpg)

Hopefully a year or so from now I'll look a lot more like Kate.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on October 20, 2018, 12:15:32 PM
One other note;  just bought a couple blouses.  Hopefully they look better with my skirts  than this golf shirt.

And today has been quite fun and relaxing.  I like how below the neck looks.  Now I just need to fix my face....

I'm thinking a year or so on hormones and then start looking into FFS.   Also by then I should also have some nice hair.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on December 21, 2018, 09:15:51 PM
OK going to do some updating here.

After the go round with legislating us out of existence, seeing how we started denigrating each other as if we were members of congress and getting kicked off for a month because I expressed extreme anger at the moderators because they wanted to take my change.org petition links off the site so they could start their own;  I will make one simple comment.

I saw an endo on 12/10.  I got my HRT script.  YEAH!!!!  Then I went to fill it which turned into a nightmare between a Pharmacy that didn't have it in stock, (but didn't initially tell me) and my insurance company wanting me to use Caremark mail order......

After an almost 2 week delay I got the hormones today - MY BESTEST CHRISTMAS GIFT EVER....


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on December 24, 2018, 10:19:37 PM
It's after 10 PM on Christmas Eve.  We've sung one Mass with one more to do in the morning.  Our guests have left.  Our home is cleaned up.  My loving wife has decided to go to bed; and I'm sitting here, listening to Celtic Christmas Music with a deep, deep feeling of peace.

I don't know if it's the hopium or the hormones, but for the first time in all my years I truly feel all is well!

When I accepted the fact that I have always been Gender Dysphoric / Transgendered, and started this transition; I had a vision of a stately & elegant older woman.  This night, the vision is less important to me than the peace I now have.

I don't know where my transition journey will lead me.  I do know I'm finally finding peace with myself.  That is all I ever wanted.

Merry Christmas!

Kate


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: ChrissyRyan on December 25, 2018, 05:34:00 AM
Kate,

Merry Christmas.

May you have more peaceful, tranquil feelings!   :)


Chrissy
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Anjanette Miranda on December 25, 2018, 06:00:34 AM
Kate

Have a Merry Christmas and a wonderful next year.

AJ
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on January 07, 2019, 10:47:57 PM
Been on HRT for almost a month now.

Left breast first; but now both are sensitive to touch.  Tonight I noticed left nipple area is getting really firm.

Call me crazy, but I'm excited puberty is finally starting!!!  (only about 45 years late...)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Stevi on January 08, 2019, 11:35:25 AM
Go girls!  All three of you.  No slackers, now.
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on January 25, 2019, 04:10:55 AM
It's 3:07 AM CST. Not sure what, or how to post this.

I've reached the point where I have to exit a 25 year relationship.

She's not leaving me - I need to leave her.

Too many lies.  3 years of infidelity.  Bottom line is the hormones & Spiro won't let me repress it / compartmentalize it any more.

Biggest problem at the moment:  I don't know where to go.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on February 05, 2019, 08:27:32 PM
3 months of hormones...

My hips are becoming very tight in my old male jeans, my young breasts are sensitive to every rub of a bra, sports bra or camisole, and are starting to hang out of a 42B bra.

It's exciting and a nuisance.

Now if my hair would grow out faster I could possibly start experiencing 'male fail.'

Kinda looking forward to it!

Kate


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Eva_Saskatchewatch on February 06, 2019, 02:50:17 PM
Quote from: jkredman on February 05, 2019, 08:27:32 PM
3 months of hormones...

My hips are becoming very tight in my old male jeans, my young breasts are sensitive to every rub of a bra, sports bra or camisole, and are starting to hang out of a 42B bra.

It's exciting and a nuisance.

Now if my hair would grow out faster I could possibly start experiencing 'male fail.'

Kinda looking forward to it!

Kate


That's great! Except the part about the nuisance. That sounds like a nuisance. :P

Eva
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: Gabrielle66 on February 06, 2019, 07:33:45 PM
Quote from: jkredman on January 25, 2019, 04:10:55 AM
It's 3:07 AM CST. Not sure what, or how to post this.

I've reached the point where I have to exit a 25 year relationship.

She's not leaving me - I need to leave her.

Too many lies.  3 years of infidelity.  Bottom line is the hormones & Spiro won't let me repress it / compartmentalize it any more.

Biggest problem at the moment:  I don't know where to go.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Kate,

I'm so sorry to hear about this. When I replied to your PM I hadn't seen this on your thread. I hope that I didn't rub a raw wound. I am however so happy for you in beginning your transition in earnest. Hopefully, I can join you on a similar path very soon. Take care of yourself. Just know that you can message me anytime if you need to talk. Love and faith.

Gabrielle
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on March 03, 2019, 06:50:09 PM
This past weekend, I attended the wedding of the oldest son of some friends of ours.

Yes my hair is longer, but I took off my earrings, put on a sports bra and my suit.  It was a wonderful ceremony.

I'm very happy for the bride & groom, but I'm very, very, happy for myself.  I cried tears of joy!!!

I love feeling.  I love my emotions.  I love being able to truly share joy, and I know I will truly share sadness.

That made the weekend all the more special!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on March 05, 2019, 07:08:12 PM
The trouble with Climara (Estradiol)....

Is it eats away at the walls of our compartmentalizations leaving us with no choice but to grieve the pains and hurts we've repressed.

I was diagnosed as gender dysphoric almost 30 years ago.  I knew it was the correct diagnosis then - even though I didn't deal with it.

I was in the middle of a divorce.  I had been left for another woman.  The Kansas courts would not consider giving my ex custody because of the relationship she left me for. If I revealed my true self there was a extremely high likelihood three beautiful girls would have ended up in foster care.  I COULDN'T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

Here we are almost 30 years later and a long term family joke about burned Hamburger Helper causes a total emotional break down.

Yes, when I was a single parent, preparing Hamburger Helper for dinner was interrupted; and  yes it burned.

30 years ago I sold my soul to protect my daughters.  Today, I'm having to grieve and cry the pain associated with that decision.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't regret it.  I just have to finally shed those tears.

At this moment in time, Climara (Estradiol) sucks....





Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on March 05, 2019, 11:00:46 PM
Physical pain hurts less than emotional pain.   Isn't that somewhat perverted?


OK it's my day for some pain.

In addition to the grieving I posted about earlier I've had a very sore calf muscle for a couple of days now.  It's so bad I'm walking with a noticeable limp.  Advil isn't touching it.

My wife suggested I get in our whirlpool bath.  I rejected it immediately. 

I explained the physical pain of my calf, while a nuisance, is less intense then the emotional pain of my life prior to HRT.   I'm not going to mess with my patches.  I wear them Sunday through Saturday and it is too early in the week to risk one coming off.  Friday evening, Saturday; probably a different story.

Thinking about it afterwards it seems most people would think it a bit perverted.  However, I know most people don't know what it feels like to sell your soul for some social norm that I/we never fit into.

From the for-what-it's-worth department.

Kate







Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on March 12, 2019, 11:09:26 PM
It's been a up and down several days.

Last Thursday, Patty & I were packing for a 3 & 1/2 hour trip to Kansas City to see a DCapella show.   When we started packing for our overnight trip, and we started bouncing around outfits; she asked 'What are we "Girls" going to wear?'  I froze.  That was the first time she ever referred to me as a GIRL!!!!  It was wonderful because I felt accepted as who I really am!  It was also a moment of disbelief because I tried to hide it for over 25 years.  How could she trust me, and accept me???

The weekend, afterwards, was downhill......  (Another story...)

I didn't ask for Gender Dysphoria.  I didn't ask to be a Des Daughter.  My parents, and her OB/GYN, were doing the best they could based on the scientific info presented to them.  They didn't know it was flawed. 

I didn't one day decide I was a woman. 

It was after 55 years of fighting what I felt was having to live up to somebody else's norm, and having the desire to escape, that I accepted my coping mechanisms were killing me, and if I didn't accept what I was I would die in the next couple of years.


I have a follow up Endo appointment next week.  Looking at the labs from last week, the Testosterone suppression is right on target.  My Estradiol levels may still be a bit low.  That's all for my Doctor to figure out.  My Blood Glucose levels are a bit high, but I wasn't told I needed to be NPO for these blood tests....

I'm not complaining or asking to change anything.  I feel like a human being now vs. being a zombie on 20 years of antidepressants.

Kate


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on March 21, 2019, 10:19:22 PM
Saw my Endo on Tuesday.

Hormone levels are perfectly where they need to be.  We talked a lot about how I was feeling.  I said I found peace.  She was very happy with that. 

This evening, my spouse commented on my peacefulness...


My body has responded to HRT faster than I expected.  I definitely am developing a bust.  I also noted male jeans are getting very tight in the hip area.  She, my endo, noted the changes are becoming evident. 

She remembered, from our first appointment that I have 3 daughters, and 8 grandchildren.  She was asking me when I was going to come out to them.  I indicated I hadn't set a timeframe.  She's thinking the physical changes are going to force me to, soon, come out to people I hadn't planned for yet. She thinks I need to start having those conversations now.

I'm both excited and scared.  I'm at peace, finally, with myself.  I look in the mirror and feel excitement with what I'm seeing.  Yes, Keith is dying and Kate is rising from the ashes...

Yet I thought I'd have more time to plan my coming out to my children & their families.  All the sudden I'm scared stiff.  Will they accept me, or reject me?

My next appointment with my 'transition coach' is Monday.

I hope we can discuss everything in 50 minutes......

I feel like I'm quickly approaching the 'point of no return.'  I'm excited (for me) yet scared stiff!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on April 12, 2019, 09:13:31 PM
Well between flu bugs, travel, and my transition coach moving into a new office; today was the first conversation I had with her in over 2 months.

We had a lot to talk about!!!

The best part was a discussion about my bust.

I told her of my recent complication from the flu which had me in the ER last Sunday night / Monday morning.

Any mention of chest pain gets an EKG; even though I told them my pain was in my lungs.  During the EKG, the hospital gown fell down exposing my right breast.  My wife made me cover it back up.

I told my transition coach that I guess I'm developing a bit of a bust line.

She looked at me, paused, then said:  "Hell yeah.  You've got boobs now.  You can't be exposing them!"  (I then admitted I wore one of my padded bras today.)  That did lead into a conversation about feminine socialization that I need to learn and start thinking about.

The eye opener for me is that when I look in the mirror, I see small buds.  I guess when others see me, they see a woman's bust.  It's kind of exciting.  (Now I just need to remember it!)

Kate   


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on April 21, 2019, 08:40:11 PM
Well I guess I have boobs....

It was suggested that I probably need to think a little more about modesty.  To me there's not much there but others see something.

Well, I get the tape measure out this evening.  The chest is still 42.  The bust is 46.

I guess I officially now have boobs....


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on April 27, 2019, 11:07:21 PM
You know things have gotten really bad when you don't think you can trust your therapist.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: My (Another) Transistion Thread
Post by: jkredman on May 10, 2019, 10:25:03 PM
I had fun today.

Got my hair highlighted & trimmed.   I still have several months of letting it grow out to be able to wear it like I want, but I took some years off my appearance.

This is what's really cool. 

The stylist that did my hair is the same stylist I've gone to for 15 years.  The last time she cut it was shortly after I accepted my need to transition.  My hair hadn't been touched since. 

She was the third person I came out to.  I'm her first, openly to her, trans client. 

We're growing together.  It was fun!

My next hair appointment  is in 8 weeks!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: jkredman on May 19, 2019, 05:23:36 PM
Not that I needed proof that the Estradiol makes me feel normal, I got it though.

Put the patches on a little too low last week.  The first one fell off Thursday night, and the second one fell off Friday Morning.  So I basically went 48 hours without the Estradiol being absorbed by my body.  (Put new patches on today like I do every Sunday.)

Well this morning I woke up and it became very apparent the dysphoria was back.  I've been anxious, irritated, and struggling to be civil all day.

I'm hoping this will clear up tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest and I'll feel like myself again!!!!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Wendi on May 19, 2019, 06:14:27 PM
Quote from: jkredman on May 19, 2019, 05:23:36 PM
Not that I needed proof that the Estradiol makes me feel normal, I got it though.

Put the patches on a little too low last week.  The first one fell off Thursday night, and the second one fell off Friday Morning.  So I basically went 48 hours without the Estradiol being absorbed by my body.  (Put new patches on today like I do every Sunday.) was

Well this morning I woke up and it became very apparent the dysphoria was back.  I've been anxious, irritated, and struggling to be civil all day.

I'm hoping this will clear up tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest and I'll feel like myself again!!!!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
I just read your thread and it's inspiring. I'm glad things are going well with you. You've had good results with HRT. I hope I have similar results.

How are you and your wife doing? Have you come out to your family or any others besides the hairdresser?

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: jkredman on May 19, 2019, 08:46:43 PM
Well It's Memorial Day weekend and my daughters & their families will be visiting.

Gonna be talking to them this weekend.

Scared stiff, but hopeful. 

After all I was a single parent to them for almost 3 years.  I hope my oldest remembers how we got through her puberty, and my youngest remembers I was very patient with potty training.

I want to believe it was Kate / Kathryn that understood what they were dealing with even though it was their father, Keith, that was there day by day...


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: Wendi on May 20, 2019, 07:26:36 PM
Quote from: jkredman on May 19, 2019, 08:46:43 PM
Well It's Memorial Day weekend and my daughters & their families will be visiting.

Gonna be talking to them this weekend.

Scared stiff, but hopeful. 

After all I was a single parent to them for almost 3 years.  I hope my oldest remembers how we got through her puberty, and my youngest remembers I was very patient with potty training.

I want to believe it was Kate / Kathryn that understood what they were dealing with even though it was their father, Keith, that was there day by day...


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Best of luck. Praying it goes fine.

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Title: Re: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: jkredman on May 29, 2019, 08:13:27 PM
Quote from: Wendi on May 20, 2019, 07:26:36 PM
Best of luck. Praying it goes fine.

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk


Crying this evening.  Feel like I'm a half inch tall.

Had the perfect weekend to come out to my daughters. 

I let it pass.

Saturday, the 10 of us all went to see the new Aladdin movie.  In it is a scene where Aladdin wants to reneg on his promise to free Genie and asks to be a prince forever.  What follows is a conversation about truth, or living a lie.

It hit me really hard.

I've lived a lie all my life.  It's not that I was trying to deceive others, but deceive myself.  Been bothered by the whole thing for 4 days now.

Choose your favorite obscenity....


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Kathryn's Chronicles
Post by: jkredman on May 31, 2019, 03:04:40 PM
Earlier this week I was asked to cantor a funeral for a member of our church.  The funeral was this morning.  Now that it's over, I can't help but think how I'm changing.

Over the years, if I wasn't close to the family - it was a performance.  I could do it, and do it almost perfectly.  If I was close to the person and the family, I would have emotions.

Now it's always a struggle.  I feel the grief of the family, and it affects me.

Secondly, my hair's longer, and I have a bust, but since I haven't come out yet to all but a very close few - I present totally male; take off my earrings, put on a white button down shirt, suit, tie, blue or black calf length socks, black dress shoes.

Kinda humorous but as I dressed this morning I realized my white lace bra was showing through my shirt a bit.  I decided from now on, when I get a call from our music director that a family has asked for a cantor, I'm going to immediately wash my white sports bra....

Did put my earrings back in when I changed back to my more feminine wardrobe.  ;-)

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk