I am new to this site and very happy I found it. I am struggling with some new information my Boyfriend has told me. I knew my Boyfriend was Bi and I have no problem with that being Bi myself. He finally came out and told me that he is into forced feminization and that he was always wanted to be a girl. This was a shock to me as he is usually very dominate and masculine. I now understand that he wants to be like that but that is not his full true self. I am happy that he is comfortable with sharing this with me. There is a problem, he is an amazing person and I want to support him, but I'm not sure that I can do that while still being in a romantic relationship with him. He is very secretive of this side of himself. I love him. I just haven't felt as attracted to him since knowing. I'm hoping it is only a phase from the shock. I don't want to break up with him. I am his support currently, especially with this and he is already to closed about it already saying he is fine never embarrassing it. I'm not okay with. I don't want to ended sinking him further into that. I am just looking for experienced advice on the situation. I can handle the forced feminization, but I him wanting to be a girl is difficult. I am usually a very accepting person, so I am not sure why this is bothering me so much.
I'm not sure that the desire for "forced feminization" is typical of transgender women. It sounds a bit fetishistic to me. I would be interested in what other members think.
Hi LynnSam, welcome to Susan's Place! Thanks for opening up to us. Open communication with your partner is the key to success. I've known several women here who came to us by the forced feminization path. They've gone on to fully transition. You have a unicorn on your hands, not everyone is ready for that. I'd keep that treasure if I were you.
See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
If your partner feels guilty about wanting to be female, the fantasy of being forced to be female might be a way not to feel the guilt. It is my thought since I used to have such fantasies, but no longer, due to transitioning. Guilt can mess with our heads. Whatever your relationship status going forward, I would be supportive but honest about your feelings. Your support is important whether you are a partner or a friend. I would also give it time to play out. Snap decisions could be wrong. Both of you will evolve from this point going forward. You both deserve to have your feelings respected.
Moni
Both you and your boyfriend need professional counselling. If money is an issue, you may start with a support group near where you live. I agree with everything that was said above, but there is no substitute for a professional psychologist's counselling.
I agree, some form of therapy needs to be had, especially for your boyfriend. None of us here know your boyfriend, nor are we licensed to really make any real assessments regarding his state of mind. Maybe he's trans, maybe not. The forced feminization thing I find a bit concerning. I'm afraid that he might be confusing a fetish with a transsexual identity, but this is just my analysis of what you have just disclosed.
Ask questions, seek out a therapist, and go from there. Hopefully it all works out for you both.
With more acceptance of myself, I've found that my forced fem fantasies have greatly diminished. I am a new tranagender and have only begun my journey. I may transition, or I may not. Or I may find out I have some sort of fetish component that cannot be decoupled from it. Only time and therapy will help me to find out.
Give it a try, let him dress as a female, invite him (as her) to shopping, dinner, bar, dancing. Who knows, maybe she'll turn out to be a very special gf with a bit extra. If she wants to start hormones, don't stop her - hormones' effects are slow and you both will have plenty of time to get used to the new changes, or stop taking them... And she's a new person for you, maybe you'll fall in love with her again, if not - you aren't obligated to stay, you can remain friends. But I'd suggest to give it an honest attempt.
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The forced feminization I've heard of frequently involves chemical castration, or HRT as we call it here. ;)
I'm sorry for being ignorant but what is forced feminization?? How can someone force another person to transition?? I don't understand.
Quote from: HappyMoni on September 26, 2017, 06:36:12 PM
If your partner feels guilty about wanting to be female, the fantasy of being forced to be female might be a way not to feel the guilt.
That's a plausible explanation as to why a genuinely transgender woman would have forced feminization fantasies but
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 26, 2017, 07:19:30 PM
The forced feminization I've heard of frequently involves chemical castration, or HRT as we call it here. ;)
would a doctor knowingly prescribe HRT on the basis of a desire for forced feminization? I'm not challenging it, I'm just asking.
Quote from: Julia1996 on September 26, 2017, 07:37:57 PM
I'm sorry for being ignorant but what is forced feminization?? How can someone force another person to transition?? I don't understand.
I've read about some people having such fantasies, and even hiring dominatrices to indulge them, but I also may be missing something in this case.
Quote from: Julia1996 on September 26, 2017, 07:37:57 PM
I'm sorry for being ignorant but what is forced feminization?? How can someone force another person to transition?? I don't understand.
Forced feminization, as I know it, is a fetish/fantasy with some elements of BDSM that involves a male sub being forced to either dress/behave feminine or take hormones by a (typically) female dom, and it is done solely for sexual pleasure.
Quote from: MaryT on September 26, 2017, 07:39:25 PM
Quote from: HappyMoni on September 26, 2017, 06:36:12 PM
If your partner feels guilty about wanting to be female, the fantasy of being forced to be female might be a way not to feel the guilt.
That's a plausible explanation as to why a genuinely transgender woman would have forced feminization fantasies but
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 26, 2017, 07:19:30 PM
The forced feminization I've heard of frequently involves chemical castration, or HRT as we call it here. ;)
would a doctor knowingly prescribe HRT on the basis of a desire for forced feminization? I'm not challenging it, I'm just asking.
It's frequently a part of someone's evolution. We all came to this by different paths. There is no saint's prize for arriving here without a sexual connection to our gender status. I thought I was dressing for erotic reasons until I noticed I no longer got aroused.
I suppose a doctor would probably suggest a therapist. Hence, TOS #8 because not everyone goes through a doctor and we won't be discussing that here.
Now let's remember, we're here to help someone, not criticize their partner. This is the SO section.
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: MaryT on September 26, 2017, 07:39:25 PM
That's a plausible explanation as to why a genuinely transgender woman would have forced feminization fantasies but
would a doctor knowingly prescribe HRT on the basis of a desire for forced feminization? I'm not challenging it, I'm just asking.
Informed consent in many cases will get HRT. Forced feminization could have different motives based on the individual. I personally think too many trans folk are in fear that they have a fetish, when really they are just trans folk who, quite normally, have a sex drive. That drive is squeezed by the unnatural circumstance of having to live as the wrong gender. Hence, the idea of therapy is helpful to sort it out, agreed.
Quote from: Julia1996 on September 26, 2017, 07:37:57 PM
I'm sorry for being ignorant but what is forced feminization?? How can someone force another person to transition?? I don't understand.
Julia, some folks like to have someone force them into the feminine role. It is not a forced transition though.
Moni
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Quote from: Susan on May 23, 2005, 11:36:10 PM
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Welcome to Susan's Place. I find the forced feminization comment to be very confusing and I wouldn't be surprised to find that you are unsure of what it means as well. At this point like the other I would recommend both of you see a gender therapist. In this case your boyfriend needs to know exactly what the goals are and you need to determine if you can live within the framework of those goals. It's far better to do it now instead of latter when your relationship has become much more serious. A relationship can and has worked for many on the site but then again, it has failed for others.
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Hi, as I seem to be the only SO here, I thought I'd reply to say hi, and welcome to the club none of us want to be in. I too had no idea what forced feminization was, until I read the above. I would echo the above, and say you both need some sort of therapy or counselling before you go any further. And talk to each other. Secrecy makes everything 100 times worse.
Good luck
S.
We are not qualified to answer such a complex problem You and your boyfriend really need to see a psychologist experience in treating transgendered peopleto determine what is what many have sliding scales if money is a problem or there may be a free clinic near you. But both of you really need therapy, this is a serious matter
I know many here recommend therapy. For some it works. My thought is to connect and communicate
Honestly with your SO....AND with yourself. Without absolute candor and the most ardent commitment to absolutely being 100 percent honesty with yourself first and without reserve, then it is a lie and you will only be wasting your precious time. You must answer this for yourself. If your SO does in fact want to transition, then you must decide for yourself if and how you might continue to satisfy and tend to your own needs....or not.
Some people save years of time, and possibly $1,000's of their own money, or public money by just being honest with themselves. ...and everyone else.
OP, trans people have as much right to be kinky as everyone else and it's been my experience that many of us have more reasons to be so than your average Jane. My first experiences of dressing femme in front of others were in the context of my first bdsm relationship which also happened to be my first healthy and happy relationship. Only my domme was more surprised than I that it was soon clear there was no forcing needed and in fact if she'd told me not to explore dressing femme at that point I'd have refused.
Among the trans women I know personally, more are kinky than not of course that makes sense given I came out into the local queer bdsm scene.
Give your boyfriend time and maybe space as needed. My SO was also far less happy about transition than about kinky femme role play. In her case it had more to do with labels and internalized homophobia - my read is she actively didn't want to be identified as lesbian. That's changed, though she remains closeted about this with her family we are absolutely a lesbian couple with each partner also leaning bisexual.
Hi LynnSam,
i'm a cis woman with a MTF girlfriend. and i'm here because i want to be part of the SO club. i want to be supportive of my partner(s). i guess i have an advantage as i knew my girlfriend was trans before we started dating. there were no shocks or surprises. we have a good relationship, but there are things that she keeps to herself. i respect her privacy as much as i can. the choices that she makes about her gender are her's and her's alone. i can't/won't attempt to make those decisions for her. all i can do is discuss my concerns as they come up and leave the emotions to the side.
i'm also kinky. openly so in my everyday life. i get approached often by men who consider themselves to be submissive that want forced feminization. some want it because they don't have the courage to cross-dress without being forced. others genuinely need it as a means of humiliation. i'm sure it's different for everyone.
i agree that therapy for both of you might really be helpful. it's so hard to sort all of this stuff out by yourself. i wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck.
warm regards,
bethanyz
HappyMoni has stated some great insights.
As a (former) very closed and secretive person , there is a lot of pressure in the "Guy World" on you from birth. You learn very early on that even wondering what it might me like to be a girl is So Wrong. You try to hide those feelings, stuff them away in the deepest darkest corners of your mind. You know, absolutely, your "Guy World" will come tumbling down around you if anyone, especially a guy, even gets a whiff of you being "different". BTW, being different just for average things is adequate reason in the schoolyard for a tease or beat-down.
As others have admitted to, I also had forced feminization fantasies. "IT Wasn't Me... They MADE Me Do it" Less Shame and Guilt. Both of them the rulers of your life. TBH - I suspect there are fair share of "on the spectrum" or otherwise males just into the kink of it. Guys brains are weird for sure when it comes to getting off. Some of the stories my wife has heard from several high end escort friends of hers in NYC are.... amazing.
Telling an SO your deepest darkest secret takes an amazing amount of strength. You know the absolute risks involved, starting with: The Earth is going to open and swallow me up. I'll be struck dead by a bolt of lightning. A meteor will land on my head.... Oh, and the SO will run off screaming into the night never to be seen again. Or, it just might take a few years as it did with me once.
My wife knew of my gender issues from about day 1. Many decades later I dropped the T-Bomb on her. It wasn't easy for her for sure. She is an avowed sexist. Has "reminded" me many many times how she likes guys. Likes what they have, How they smell. How they make her feel. Rubber doesn't do it for her. She didn't marry a woman.... Yet, her we are 8 years later, me still living and present primarily as male. And neither of us having a clue what may happen in the future.
Your needs and your wants, as hard as it is to think, are Number 1. They follow the needs and the wants of your b/f and those of "The Us". It is not like you two have an long established relationship like my wife and I of some 40 years now. Our basic personalities tend to place the others happiness as just as important, if not more so then our own. For us, "The Us" is worth preserving through the compromises we can both live with. That is working so far. But I know, if/when by bad days come too often and my want to live and present as female full-time becomes a need to... that is likely too much for her. We'll sort it out when that day comes.
What kept us together so far has been the oft times difficult totally open and honest discussions. Listening to the message, and not to the sometimes un-filtered words spoken. You are allowed not to like what is happening. This deeply affects you on so many levels.
Lynn Sam --
This thread is a bit old but I just wanted to affirm as others have
that sometimes MTF trans people are into forced feminization
because it makes it easier for them to accept what they want.
As someone that is kinky, was into forced femme fantasies,
and is MTF I can say that it may be important to
distinguish fantasy and reality. If your partner wants to be forced
into being feminine it may be useful to work on distinguishing how
they prefer feeling as a fantasy that's hot vs. the kind of woman
they might want to be in the world, if that makes sense. I'm a rather assertive
MTF chick -- nothing like who I am in BDSM.