This is something I've been thinking about the past few days. I've been trying to think about what it was like to be the person I used to be, and I'm finding it difficult. I have the memories of those days, but I can't put those memories in emotional context. All it seems like is a melange of depression, anxiety, and dysphoria.
It doesn't help that I have so little in common with that person. Our thoughts, opinions, relationships, attitudes, emotions are oceans apart. The most apt metaphor I can come up with is a Doctor Who style regeneration, old memories with a new body, mind, and personality.
So, I wonder, if you've made some in roads into whatever transition means to you, how do you think about past you? Are they a shell? A prison? A previous regeneration? Or something else?
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My pre relisation self was someone who lived in the shadows not wanting to be seen, someone who yried to live other lifes through mmogs. Someone who dad actions based on what other people expect id do in that situation.
I havent transitioned yet although my wife says im already changing. My eyes are open.
I look at it as my stupid phase
Quote from: Colleen_definitely on February 09, 2018, 06:44:04 PM
I look at it as my stupid phase
Same are we too hard on ourselves? Maybe but hey that's in the past (well almost for me) so that's good!
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As doing all the hard work to get where I am now. Kids, Family, Three degrees, finding a job, moving internationally. An important part of my life to be respected and who forms the core of who I am now.
Quote from: Allison S on February 09, 2018, 06:52:14 PM
Same are we too hard on ourselves? Maybe but hey that's in the past (well almost for me) so that's good!
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I don't dwell on it and I don't get depressed over it. I just sort of look back and say "all of that stuff you did would have been a lot easier if your weren't so stinking stubborn"
Quote from: Colleen_definitely on February 09, 2018, 07:01:55 PM
I don't dwell on it and I don't get depressed over it. I just sort of look back and say "all of that stuff you did would have been a lot easier if your weren't so stinking stubborn"
I like to think of that stubborness as tenacity in myself [emoji4] I think it'll do good during transition and to see it to the end whenever that'll be..
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It's a great asset once you redirect it toward transition. A lot of my peers who started transition about the same time as me aren't as far along and my tenacity and drive are a big part of why.
Just another shed skin, necessary in order to grow past the restrictions.
There have been many.
I feel like from the point my memories begin, until now, I've been driving in a car that can't stop and that I can't leave. Therefore, the only thing to do is use my memories to construct a mental map of the world, and drive to the place I think will be the nicest. However, since even if I reach this destination I can't stop, I'm constantly updating my map in order to find a place that will be even nicer, and then driving there instead.
The process of getting rid of my internalized transphobia has been like a major update to this map, and the resulting taking on of my gender dysphoria has been like a major destination change. Therefore, going back to the metaphor, while my memories tell me that it's always been me driving, how I view my memories is very different now.
My memories of my pre-transition self also aren't very rich, and filled with anxiety, depression and dysphoria. My guess is because I don't often attempt to empathize with my pre-transition self. If I did so, though, my emotional impression of my pre-transition memories would probably become richer the more I did it.
i don't think so much about my pre-transition self, but when i do, i find it somewhat hard to think of us as the same person. i know we are, though, because we have everything in common, with the exception of how we look and how happy we are, and how we present ourselves to others. i also refer to myself pre-transition in third person a lot of the time, which is almost definitely because in a way that person no longer exists, but is instead a memory i'd like to carry forward, yknow?
During that time I was trying to fit in, and then when I realized that I am truly female, I stopped trying to fit into the the male facade, and started searching for a way to change my body to fit my female gender; and then I made a plan and just went for it! I really think that my core personality is still pretty much the same; I'm still shy, a joker, very friendly, and warm hearted 😊
I see it as just acting out a role defined for me by my father and society then later on by my wife and family. I don't have many memories from my childhood at all really except wanting desperately to be a robot. Then I would not have to deal with emotions and I would be separate from the human race. Later on I buried myself into hobbies an work. Got excellent grades at Uni. Worked hard on my Masters and PhD then had a nervous breakdown (workload, relationship and sexuality issues) which cost me my PhD and job. I guess it's all part of who I am, but I just wish I had allowed myself to relax and just be 'me', not what others expected.
I love the Dr Who regeneration analogy. In fact I was a huge Dr Who fan. So much so that when I was around 15 or 16 I took a picture of myself and wrote on it, the 13th Doctor! (this was around 1990). The number 13 has always followed me around. I was born on Friday 13th! Imagine what I felt when recently it was announced that the actual 13th Doctor regenerated as female!! I went cold. Must be a glitch in the matrix lol. :o :o
Quote from: Colleen_definitely on February 10, 2018, 09:13:34 AM
It's a great asset once you redirect it toward transition. A lot of my peers who started transition about the same time as me aren't as far along and my tenacity and drive are a big part of why.
You and
Allison S are quite correct... self-determination, tenacity, and a will to see it through are important traits, not just in transitioning but also in most important life events. I was so determined to change my life path, that the pain, the delays, the treatments were nothing more that a means to an end... in conclusion, at least for me, it was totally worth the blood, sweat and tears...my pre-transition life was miserable and I still would be most miserable today if I would not have stuck with it to become full time. I have a few more hoops to jump through but to me the path ahead certainly looks more attainable than the path behind me.
As I'm just starting this is on the forefront of my mind. I heard someone refer to it as wearing a man-suit. That resonated with me. Before the "bong" that went off and made me realize I'm really a woman and I'd be more happy living as my true self, I filed any indicators away in a folder in my brain. It was full of files that had just been stuffed in there. The bong made re-evaluate so much. I look back and realize how I was always trying to "be a man" trying to live up to society's expectations. I never felt enough. Not big, enough, not strong, enough, not good looking enough, etc etc etc.
I've really thought about this and I feel leaving maleness behind is going to be so amazing for me. While I do and will experience dysphoria, allowing my true self out makes me feel whole and full. Vulnerable yet confident in a way my male self never or could never feel.
Letting my female nature out I just don't feel like I need to prove myself to society. Patience will be my friend through this and I may be naive at this point but I feel like i'm in a really good place, just wish it would happen quicker lol.
So lately I have gone into that folder and started to look at all the files and I see so so many connections between them and that there is an over arching theme. Maleness isnt the best fit for me.
--Sasha
I tend to refer to mine as a shell or a mask. I constructed it to fit how I thought I was suppose to act and behave in order to fit in. Anything that wasn't masculine I would bury deep down because thats what I thought you were suppose to do. at one point I was so disconnected that emotions really weren't there at all. but the mask like anything was flawed and the more time wore on cracks started to form. bit by bit that mask fell away until I had to deal with it, which was kinda world shattering to me.
I look at pre transition as a version of me that kept myself locked away in a tiny box. So while parts of me still exists from that time, they were just me shining through the cracks. As a "boy" I lacked confidence, self worth and just general direction.
Hmm... ???
I don't really think about the old me anymore. As a person's gender I guess. I still have my growing up, hobbies and children memories, but not as me being "male". I am pretty much living in happiness now, I consider my transition close to completeness. Yes there are still times, mostly at work, where I am reminded where I came from, but truly 99% of the time I now think of me as always being female, myself, etc.
I am in therapy and only started HRT last week. I decided to take action as my dysphoria had significantly increased and I could no longer suppress.
Looking back not only was I depressed, but the depression had become the norm for me. In simple terms I was just existing - very pessimistic and just wishing me life away but thankfully never suicidal. I never blended in to society as a man but just tried to follow the crowd.
My aim is to start living.
Quote from: Colleen_definitely on February 09, 2018, 06:44:04 PM
I look at it as my stupid phase
Haha I love it :D
If I had to describe my pre-transition self, I would say "confused". I didn't know anything (I still don't know a lot) and I would have never imagined that I would attempt transitioning.
I was awkward, tried to hard, weird, fake male
What a great question :)
As I've only experienced dysphoria for around six years with a huge bump in the last two, I can only base on that.
Now I can be myself without all the BS of "being a man" I find myself much more able to cry, less obsessive about friends/partners being "always there". I am much more silly. I am much more happy with who I am. I cry a lot more, I no longer judge people because they enjoy something I do not. I take care of my skin better, I cry a lot more.
Quote from: Colleen_definitely on February 09, 2018, 07:01:55 PM
I don't dwell on it and I don't get depressed over it. I just sort of look back and say "all of that stuff you did would have been a lot easier if your weren't so stinking stubborn"
Sounds like me. If I hadn't have been so stubborn, I'd likely have started transition as soon as I turned 18. I was so adapted to telling myself to shut out my own feelings, that I had gotten peeved at others telling me I was too feminine (in looks and mannerisms) to be a guy. I actually had to hit rock bottom before I let myself know it was OK.
Other than the depression, I have no regrets for my past self. I would not have wanted to miss my wife and family in my life at all. Early awareness and transition and I would not have had it.
No regrets, the future is mine.
Quote from: natalie.ashlyne on February 13, 2018, 08:20:28 AM
I was awkward, tried to hard, weird, fake male
I felt very similar to the way you felt. I felt fake and weird. In the end I just retreated into a hole, and stopped talking to almost everyone.
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Great question!
I just reached my 6 month mark with HRT today (yay!) and generally am still presenting as a more androgynous version of my boy-mode. Full time is coming soon, though.
At this point, I think of my pre-transition self as an obscured, confused, and traumatized version of myself. Someone who did the best they could with what they were able to consciously acknowledge. Choosing to repress my gender at the age of 11 in order to mitigate the bullies' attacks definitely took its toll, especially since I became such a pro at rationalizing away all indications that I could be trans. I got so good at pretending to be a gay man that I essentially forgot I was anything other than that.
Since my transition has started on the later side (54 years old) I'm still coming to grips with how to relate to my pre-transition history. Transition is a journey that I'm certainly happy to be on - I hate to think about what my future life would have looked like if I hadn't awakened to my real gender.
I feel as if my true self had hidden away in a deep, dark hole in my mind and built a substitute personality around based on what was expected of me. Parents wanted me to study, so I studied what they wanted me to study. As a male I was supposed to have at least one partner, so I found one and continued to build my second personality around what she wanted in a boyfriend. All this while pushing away the things I really liked because I was not supposed to like them.
Transition was like breaking that shell and having to rediscover what I really wanted. I still like shirts, vests and swords, but now I can let myself like heels, glitter and feathers also. And there's nothing wrong with it.
I'm only two weeks into my transition, but the level of confidence that I have has increased by a heck of a lot. The old me wouldn't have been able to walk into a room and talk to a stranger because they would have hated their voice or they would have felt like a fake version of a person.
I look back at that person with love, but they make me cringe a lot.
Quote from: Shambles on February 09, 2018, 06:05:13 PM
My eyes are open.
This is me. I was asleep, and a very, very sad person. I wanted to post a picture of Sleeping Beauty, but thought it might violate the rules.
Realizing I was transgender was like someone flipped a switch and turned on a light that I never knew was there. I'm finally me.
I'm still the same person. I just stopped wearing a mask when I go out in public.
I feel like I'm still me, really. I still tattoo, work on cars, play guitar and collect firearms.. But now there are some things I can add to the list that used to be forbidden territory.. Like makeup, nails, sewing and hitting on men. lol
I can't think of it as a mask or skin. It was what I had, I didn't know what could be so I lived without hope, lost and slowly losing my mind. I've always felt this way, I just didn't know what it was or that I could do something about it. Now, I can't find a reference to that person, inside the life that I lived is gone. I have done some pretty cool stuff too, it just doesn't feel real anymore.
How can I associate with who I was, a sad creature locked inside a tragic nightmare, marking time until death released it. I don't want to hold onto that, I lived it and maybe learned a few things, that's enough for me. I can let it go now.
Finally Michelle
You describe your pre-transition self in a very lamentable light - without hope, lost and slowly losing your mind and your description is worse than mine above on 13Feb.
However I am happy to note your next point that now you can't find a reference to that person as the person is gone.
Wonderful both to see the person is gone such that you can be your true self.
You will also inspire many of us others just starting out on the HRT and transition route. Thank you
Pamela
Quote from: Jennifer.Diamonds on February 16, 2018, 06:21:06 AM
I feel like I'm still me, really. I still tattoo, work on cars, play guitar and collect firearms.. But now there are some things I can add to the list that used to be forbidden territory.. Like makeup, nails, sewing and hitting on men. lol
You are gorgeous!
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on February 16, 2018, 07:58:31 AM
You are gorgeous!
Thank you doll! Idk what a faceapp is, But your photo is stunning! Love that makeup xD
This is an interesting question and I'm sure many of us have thought about it. Many have probably had some version of this discussion with their gender therapist/therapist. I thing our age and where we are at in life can have a big influance in our responses.
I didn't hate the male me. I also didn't always love the male me. I had a lot of fun and for the most part I enjoyed and cherished my life with my wife and family. There were times of sadness and confusion but always the realization to be glad for all that I had.
I know I wouldn't have experienced and enjoyed what I did. I also know there's another side of life I didn't get to experience or have. For me, I went down the path I chose and I'm not going to regret or lament it. I'm going to continue going forward with a look-back to make sure I don't repeat mistakes and "dumb things".
Quote from: Jennifer.Diamonds on February 16, 2018, 08:11:55 AM
Thank you doll! Idk what a faceapp is, But your photo is stunning! Love that makeup xD
Thanks! It's an app that automatically modifies your picture to the other gender :)
My pre-transition self was a mostly unhappy version of my current self. I did a lot of things to survive that played hell on my mental health. The problem was I didn't understand that my true self was trying to break free and when that happened I had to suppress the thoughts and feelings and man up and be the person who I thought I was. Most of the things I did to distract myself from these thoughts I still enjoy doing but I can now do them as me and not as him. My pre-transion self was a good, kind, loving and protective individual who did what was needed to survive. I'm still like that but now I'm living and not just surviving. The removal of the guilt and shame of having the feelings of being female has freed me to be actually be female. I don't ever want to "remove" the past of who I was because it is still a part of who I am. We are the same person just living life in vastly different ways.