Susan's Place Transgender Resources

When I turned 12, I told my mom not to acknowledge my birthday. No cake, no gifts, I didn't want it happen. I think part of it was a trans thing. I was terrified of growing up into something I didn't feel and wanted nothing to do with. Then later, I suppose it took on the kind of significance it often does for women. I don't know if it's female programming or the internal biological clock. Or both. Women have always had to be more concerned with their age than men. Just because of the baby part. The window for settling down and having babies is shorter for them. Even though I didn't want babies, is this still part of it for me? Something in my body or brain?

Then there seems to be added component to age (and of course birthdays) for trans people. I always felt like I was waiting for when I could begin my life. I didn't know about transition in my early life. So each birthday was more painful than next as it dawned on me. This was not a dress rehearsal. This was my life going before my eyes and my being unable to live it. At least not as me.

Then after transition, it can just feel like we lost a lot of time. No matter what age we transition. Missed out on a lot of mile markers. We can feel behind our cis peers. And it can also feel short. Our time as ourselves. Or at least shorter than it should have been. So I often feel cheated by time somehow. And then another element is that every birthday that rolls around and I haven't achieved what I want to achieve. I feel like a failure as well. So birthdays make me feel old, limited, and like a loser every time.

I'm not sure where this all comes in, if other trans people feel this or not. But it all adds up to rage against time and myself.

Don't like it -_-

I was alright with birthdays until I turned 18 and at 22 is when I started thinking hey these birthdays are happening way too fast. It's just funny you spend your youth wishing you was older and when you get older you start wishing you was younger.  :-\

It's fine.  I am what I am and there's nothing I can do about it.  That being said, I'm turning 45 soon and I'm having a big party.  I've never done that before.  I didn't used to be a celebrator, but I sure as hell am now.

Who here wants to come by on Sat. May 3 for a party and cake?  No, I'm serious!  The more transfolk the better.

I live in Los Angeles...

Excited for it! even though I haven't made any official plans yet.

Jill I would so go to your bday party if I lived in California

When I wasn't transitioning at all I detested my birthday and hid under my bed and cursed everyone for inventing them.  That being said I was born on black Friday (this child is full of woe). So I've also ignored the age milestones (18th, 21st, 30th) and celebrate we party when when it falls around on that date again.

Once I passed 25, the age at which you're allowed to rent a car, I officially decided that I didn't want to get older anymore, because there was nothing else to look forward to.

Unfortunately, 3 years later, it's still happening... Damn it... :P

Better a year older than the alternative to that.

My 51st birthday was last month, I was off that day, so I turned off my phone and ignored it. I'm not too bad about my age, but I do feel like I should be doing better than I am at my age and still deal with a lot of depression and self esteem issues.

Just had mine. 

I am in the decade where every birthday has a 5 in it and one even doubles up! Another 7 to go with a 5 in it then "oh, goody, this one has a 6 at the start!!!!".  Memo to self - hang around to see if its any different.

Thankfully my birthday gets little acknowledgement although they appeared with cake at work.  Maybe they should just do the cake and forget the singing bit!

Meh, just another day really. I've never gone out of my way to celebrate my birthday but friends, colleagues and family will and I'm always happy to go along with that...I love them and they are happy for me to have been in their lives another year. :) The big 5-0 is only two years away...think I'll actually do something to celebrate this one.

I feel sad when my 23rd birth day came around. I did not want to age past 21, but nope I turned 23 a few weeks ago. Maybe if I have done more things in my life i would not mind getting older, but considering i am a virgin and never been on a date I feel sad. 

Totally off topic, but OMG I love your avatar, Honey Bunny!!!  ;D

Funny this pops up, I am 25 today.

On one hand, it's a reminder to be grateful that I am alive. Starting at age 15 I entered I very severe depression which lasted 3 years. I had many nights where I prayed silently to God to take my life, because I just hurt so much...all the time. I wondered if I'd crack and commit suicide, but I was religious so I just waited for God to bring me home. I never thought I'd live to see 18, much less 25. But here I am.

But then I feel sad, because I realize that although I have a new gratefulness for my life, I don't act like it. I don't always take good care of myself the way I should. I'm not always the best man I can be. And I certainly don't enjoy life to the fullest.

I saw this article a few days ago though, and it made me think:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/philosophy-stirred-not-shaken/201404/would-you-choose-the-same-life-eternity

On my 15th, 16th, or 17th birthday I would have said "No, I'd never live this life again, it hurts too much." But on this one, I say, yes, I would, even through the moments that are difficult. 

I didn't really hate my birthday until recently.  I just turned 26 and am in a strange spot.  I missed peak results for hrt by not too long; right now I'm still probably in a good position to get good-great results, but as time goes on, the impact of hrt will lessen.  I feel like time is forcing my hand in making a decision...

Last year, a year after going FT, I took a '1 year old today' cake into work to share.

First birthday I have celebrated in adult life :laugh:

Quote from: HoneyBunny on April 13, 2014, 02:16:08 AM
I feel sad when my 23rd birth day came around. I did not want to age past 21, but nope I turned 23 a few weeks ago. Maybe if I have done more things in my life i would not mind getting older, but considering i am a virgin and never been on a date I feel sad.

I'm in the same situation. Still a virgin as well and I'm turning 24 soon. Hugs!! it'll happen for us one day  :D

I disliked birthdays even as a kid.My Mum would invite other kids round and I hated crowds and being near other people.The only one I came near to enjoying was my 17th when I was legally old enough to ride my motorbike.I never tell anyone when it's my birthday,only my Dad and sister,nephews and nieces know when it is.

Quote from: birkin on April 13, 2014, 03:15:30 AMOn one hand, it's a reminder to be grateful that I am alive. Starting at age 15 I entered I very severe depression which lasted 3 years. I had many nights where I prayed silently to God to take my life, because I just hurt so much...all the time. I wondered if I'd crack and commit suicide, but I was religious so I just waited for God to bring me home. I never thought I'd live to see 18, much less 25. But here I am.

But then I feel sad, because I realize that although I have a new gratefulness for my life, I don't act like it. I don't always take good care of myself the way I should. I'm not always the best man I can be. And I certainly don't enjoy life to the fullest.

Happy birthday!

I feel the same to be honest... Hopefully one day we'll enjoy our life, I await this day.

Yeah... every birthday to me is just +1 to how much older I am than I feel and how much that gap has widened and felt like lost time. Emotionally I am still that 12 year old. I usually just have to pretend that aging is impossible for me.... :c

I didn't care about my birthday until I turned 20.  At that point, I began to severely struggle with each passing year.  Now that I'm 25 I officially feel like an old maid.  I realize that is probably illogical and weird way of thinking, but I can't help it. 

Quote from: birkin on April 13, 2014, 03:15:30 AM
Funny this pops up, I am 25 today.

Happy birthday, Caleb.

I generally enjoy my birthday. It's not as special as it used to be, but it's still not bad. What does make me feel old, is returning to places I used to go when I was a kid, only to have them feel strange and desolate, as they've changed so much from how I remember them. That makes me feel old. That being said, I don't like to think too much about my age (29), as I feel somewhat ashamed and frustrated that I haven't gotten on my feet and established myself by now. I realize a lot of that has been out of my control, but it still hurts to know I'm basically in the same place I was six years ago.

Still, I like cake, I like visiting with my friends, and early June is usually a pretty nice time of year.

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 13, 2014, 02:17:35 AM
Totally off topic, but OMG I love your avatar, Honey Bunny!!!  ;D

Thanks!

Quote from: Lady_Oracle on April 13, 2014, 03:46:08 AM
I'm in the same situation. Still a virgin as well and I'm turning 24 soon. Hugs!! it'll happen for us one day  :D

I hope so. I mean I could get sex if I really wanted to and there are tons of guys who said they would want to have a hook up with me, but I want to lose my virginity in a relationship. I am just kind of socially retarded.

I chose grateful to be celebrating one and meh just another day. 

Birthdays can be lots of fun, but lately they've just been another day.  It is what it is.

This May, I'm turning 26, but all it is doing is reminding me that I have attained none of my life goals and that once again, I must endure another year as a woman due to bloodwork issues delaying my testosterone therapy. I feel ill just thinking about it.

I was over birthdays when I was 11, and even though I'm turning 21 this year, I'm still indifferent.

I have a "birthday phobia" if you will. Not that it's scary, but I hate being the center of attention in any situation and never has it been more true when I turned 18 and my family who ambushed me with the mother of all surprise parties...bad time.

I was indifferent about my own birthdays until my late teens; I generally just forgot about them. Now, I do my best to forget about them. Last time I invited some people, though, because I had gone through a rough patch and feared being alone. It's not the getting older part that depresses me, but the part about my life having been pretty much stagnant for more than a decade. I keep feeling I'm in the exact same, dreadful place as my last birthday, and the one before that, etc.

I'm starting to think (or at least hope) birthdays will feel different once I get on HRT. Which I hope will be before my next one.

I used to hate birthdays, then I transitioned. Met the love of my life, living with her this last year has been a blessing, I have finally got to become the real me, I look forward to celebrating the years of my life with her as the female I knew I always was.

Indifferent.  Birthdays aren't all that important to me.

My birthday is coming up.  Wow.  Years ago I saw a Garfield calender and it was spring.  There was Garfield with a disgusted look on his face as a bird flew by.  Caption: "Spring is here, big, fat, hairy deal."  I guess MEH is a good reply, but down inside I feel a bit more like Garfield...


Erin

I changed my Birthday to January 1st, 2014 when I officially went full time. I am about to celebrate my 5 month birthday soon! Now they will all have meaning and be special. Bring them on! ;D OOPS! I guess that will be edited since I am under age now!*giggles* :laugh:

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 21, 2014, 02:36:38 PM
I changed my Birthday to January 1st, 2014 when I officially went full time. I am about to celebrate my 5 month birthday soon! Now they will all have meaning and be special. Bring them on! ;D OOPS! I guess that will be edited since I am under age now!*giggles* :laugh:

I am so buying you a onesie for your first b-day, Jessica.

I actually hated my birthday until I was about 26 years old.  Quite frankly I was a sad-sack and hated my life, wishing I was never born.  A birthday was the painful reminder that I was born: which I never asked to be, and never wanted to be (or so I thought) at that point in life.

These days, I love my birthday and am happy to be alive, but couldn't figure out why if I was happy to be alive, I still battle with depression.  When dysphoria was brought to my attention, it made a lot of sense: you can be happy that you're alive, but not be 100% satisfied.  I celebrate every birthday I have now with what energy I can muster...but after the HRT/SRS I really think the party is going to start.  However, I will use my biological age because I actually am happy to grow old (see below.)  To change my BD to my "official trans" day makes me seem like I will die young...which I don't care to do again.

My attitude towards birthdays changed when I was 26, like I said: funny thing happened...well, if you have a darker sense of humor like me and an appreciation for the ironic, it is hilarious...and that was, I died in my sleep from health complications.  I got just what I asked for: to be out of here.  300 Lbs with kidney failure, looked like I was 50 years old because I didn't take care of myself...my body shut down, and I was gone for about 30 minutes.  When I came to...most painful experience ever, "coming back"...I got frantic.  I realized I really didn't want to die.  I got back in shape, lost 140+ Lbs and am mistaken sometimes for a High School student (pros and cons to that hahahaha), published the books I always wanted to...and from then on, I LOVED every birthday I have had since.  I will be celebrating my 80th birthday (if I make it that far) like I just turned 16 again.  Life is precious, and not everyone gets to make it to even their 30's (like I almost didn't) so I say don't dread them: honor yourself, be proud that you robbed death for one more day, and celebrate like there's no tomorrow. 

Quote from: Jill F on April 21, 2014, 02:41:17 PM
I am so buying you a onesie for your first b-day, Jessica.

:icon_caffine: :icon_joy: :icon_geekdance: :icon_dance: :icon_pelvic_thrust2: :icon_yes: :icon_woowoo:

Mine came and went recently. It's just another day. I don't love it. I don't hate it. It just is. BUT it was my first birthday with Portia so that counts for something, I suppose.

Quote from: HoneyBunny on April 13, 2014, 01:01:37 PM
I hope so. I mean I could get sex if I really wanted to and there are tons of guys who said they would want to have a hook up with me, but I want to lose my virginity in a relationship. I am just kind of socially retarded.

In my case I'm gay, who knows when I'll find a woman who is in my area. I totally understand though, like thats the reason why I haven't had sex yet. I need to be in a relationship as well. I refuse to just "get it over with" with someone I barely even know or someone I don't even connect with. I'm the opposite though, I'm more of a social butterfly. My issue is that I lack transportation, so it's really tough to go out and about to meet people. On top of that I don't live in an area where there is a big lgbt population either. Which is why I cannot wait to move to a city like Seattle.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 23, 2014, 09:48:48 PM

Quote from: Jill F on April 21, 2014, 02:41:17 PM
I am so buying you a onesie for your first b-day, Jessica.

:icon_caffine: :icon_joy: :icon_geekdance: :icon_dance: :icon_pelvic_thrust2: :icon_yes: :icon_woowoo:

Pics, or it didn't happen ;)

I can totally relate. I hate birthday for many reason.
often I feel rather sad or annoyed of getting older and I feel like I haven't done enough with my life and start to compare myself with other on my age.
even feeling so I have to fake being happy just for this one day.. arg.. it pretty annoying.

theres also transpart I hate about it, but currently im just annoyed on getting older and not being able to make some awsome partys, which I feel there should be.

I prefern christmas it more about famely and food, than about "you"

It's kind of surreal, I guess.  45 just doesn't seem right to me, but last I checked, that's correct.  I'm having my first real b-day party next Saturday with cake, balloons and a taco bar.  My family and friends will mostly all be there with me.  For my 40th b-day I just told people to leave me the hell alone because I was in a perpetually bad place.  I got really drunk on tequila and passed out.   I felt like holy crap the next day and slept it off.  Last time I ever make that mistake on a landmark birthday.

Anyway, last year the dark clouds parted, the sun came out and I'm like a completely different person now.  I feel like sharing my newfound happiness.

I guess it's true- inside every older person is a young person wondering what the hell happened.

   On my next birthday I will have celebrated my 45 for the 20th time, feels pretty good :)

Growing older as a woman is one of my greatest joys. I counsel and support a lot of younger women, most of them gorgeous and in good physical health, almost all cisgender and many bi or queer or gay, and would not trade places for anything. They envy me my confidence, wisdom, experience, resilience, radiance, self-assurance, body acceptance, sexual skills, relationship skills, empathy, patience, ability to handle life challenges and career challenges, emotional balance, sister network, career skills, artistic skills, and deep mature sexiness. These are things that take a lifetime to develop and nurture, and oh the rewards. I LOVE BIRTHDAYS. I CELEBRATE ANOTHER YEAR OF BEING MYSELF IN A WORLD OF AMAZING SOULS AND INCREDIBLE BEAUTY. I turn 47 in 3 days. Every birthday is better than before. Hope I am still living learning loving and trying new things when I am 100.

The past few birthdays haven't been enjoyable in the least.  There's this increasing sense of urgency that I have to act on this dysphoria or keep piling on the regrets that surface from lost time.  Considering I'll be 25 in a month, it's beyond time for me to act, but fear is a constant hindrance for me.

Mine is soon, april 30th. It will be a good day, I'm happy with life. Scheduled facial plastic surgery as a birthday present to look younger, no cake, I'm on a diet.