My other threads might have touched on this topic already, but I wanted to make a new thread for this.
So how did you realize you were really trans? Or came to terms with it?
Most of us must have 'always known' that something was up or thought about it on and off. But how did you finally accept that you were really trans? Like what led to it?
Was it a long process - something you just thought about for years & years and finally accepted it as a fact or came to a conclusion? Or did some specific incident cause that lightbulb to go on?
How did that make you feel?
Anything else you wanna share?
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And again, as for me:
I've been practically living as a guy since the age of 13. My lightbulb moment must've been when my friend told me people at my new school had thought I was a boy without me knowing. My secret dream had always been to be treated as a boy so shortly after that I just started identifying as one though nothing dramatically changed or anything. I tried to access treatment at 16 - but couldn't, argh. After that I just became numb and pretty much isolated myself from society. To the point of almost sinking into denial. I've been identifying as a guy all the time - so that would mean I'd be certain I'm trans, right? For some reason, however, I started having doubts about if I'm even trans at all. Or if I would like to (medically) transition if I could etc. Lost track basically. All that was needed to get back on track was a little support from this site! Weirdly I feel pretty much the same as back then at 13 - that my life has been a blur & can't believe this is really happening!
Back then I felt that my childhood had been a mask & being treated as a guy was a dream come true! That was the real me so socially transitioning felt just so natural it didn't feel like a big deal at all. I really felt that identiying as a boy (and that you could be seen/treated as one) was just the missing puzzle piece.
Weirdly I feel pretty much the same right now when I'm actually planning to go on T, finally. Like my real life is just beginning. Now the missing puzzle piece I've been looking for is T.
Easy, one morning a few months ago I woke up and realized I had had enough of deliberating endlessly about who I was - I'd read about this topic as exhaustively as can be imagined, found narratives that matched my own experiences, and had been assured of my conclusions by a therapist specializing in sexual and gender issues with decades of experience, and knew that it was time to stop denying who I am - it's simply a scientific fact, an aspect of genetics, of endocrinology, of upbringing; shame and guilt are just our society's misguided ways of dealing with this phenomenon, which will be considered as barbaric historical footnotes someday, when we've evolved to be a more tolerant civilization.
That, and the hormones were really beginning to kick in too.
:icon_inyourface: Can't be sober and rational 24/7,sorry...
In the week before my lightbulb went off i started watching vids from trans girls, their update vids expecially. And a theropist talking about trans relaited stuff. U didnt k ow why at the time i was drawn to these and why i watched. It finaly hit me when i read a story of a trans woman who realised herself in her 40s i think and her looking back at her life at the points she should have realised. I kicked myself when out ot the 10 things she mentoned i did around 75% of them.
The wave of.emotion when i came out to myself was unreal. I was on a high for weeks after that
I realized when I read an article about someone who had had surgery to become a woman. The description of how she'd felt ever since she was as a child was very similar to what I was feeling. The article used the term transgender.
I had struggled with my gender identity all of my life. I daydreamed often about a sex change, and even picked out a male name for myself in my daydreams. It wasn't until I met my transgender friend last year and realized hormone therapy and surgery were possible for regular people (the only transgender person I'd heard of before was Caitlyn Jenner) that I started having an issue living as a woman.
I identified as gender fluid for several months to appease the gender struggle going on inside of me as kind of the easy way out. I admired my friend for transitioning, but I thought there was no way I could ever publicly identify as a male so I dressed in men's clothes at home, but presented as a woman publicly. About 6 or so weeks ago, I became increasingly frustrated with my 100% female name. I spent most of my waking hours debating gender neutral names to legally change my name to, but could not settle for one that I liked 100%, which only further frustrated me.
2.5 weeks ago, I reached my breaking point. I cried so much. And I almost never cry. I realize now the name issue was probably my male identity trying to force his way out. I decided that night that I need to transition whether my family accepts me or not, and I've felt a peace that I've never felt before since then.
I didn't realize how depressed I was living as a woman. I feel like a whole new person now; I can think more clearly, I haven't needed as much sleep, and I'm just unbelievably happy. One of my employees told me Friday it's annoying how happy I am lately! :D
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Potions of this reply came from one of my coming out letters, so if you have run across any of those the information may sound familiar...
For most of my life I knew I was different, but it was a feeling I couldn't easily describe. Starting in my early teens social and family pressure kept me from expressing who I am. Suppressing my feelings and emotions led to stress, confusion, frustration and anger that increased through the years. Although my life seemed normal from the outside, there was darkness hiding just beneath the surface. There were times long ago which were so stressful the only thing that kept me alive was the thought of what would happen to my wife and daughters if I was gone. I am also saddened by the behavior my family had to witness. I can't remember how many walls I patched or how many things I destroyed out of anger. I learned to partially control my temper, but the source of my pain remained a mystery.
Since I first heard about transsexuals around 1990 I had become very interested in the subject, but I did not realize at the time that my interest was more than prurient in nature. Back then I never saw any background information on the people involved, just photos and videos. Once the internet came along the world of information exploded and there was more and more information available. Finally in December 2016 I ran across Susan's Place and began reading about some of the struggles the members were facing. I was fascinated because I saw myself in many of the stories -- the curiosity and experimentation, the pressure to conform, the growing frustration and anger. As I read the journeys I had an epiphany -- I suddenly realized I had found the source of my darkness. I cried for the first time in years. They were not tears of sadness, sorrow or shame, they were tears of happiness, joy, and relief. I finally understood. I had discovered the truth that I had been hiding from everyone, including myself.
It happened that quickly, one of the stories finally triggered the realization that all my years of anger, rage, and closet cross dressing were caused by something I never really expected. I did not try to argue with myself or talk myself out of it. I knew it was true - I am transgender.
Realized? When i was about 14 or 15, i think ive always know i wanted to be female, but only knew that was Transgender probably at the age of 15
Accepted? Still working on that, but i feel like its coming
I feel like I talk about myself too much as it is. But, since my experience is in the minority, perhaps it will help someone.
I never knew I had gender issues. In my case, it was very heavily sublimated. I suspect my father saw it when I was very young, and did something to convince me that being female was a bad thing to be; but I have no facts. Only the vaguest of hints.
I grew up an outcast in every group I was part of, including my own family. Throughout my life, I performed far below my alleged potential; I was highly neurotic, beset with many issues. I thought it was low self-esteem, inculcated by an abusive parent and an environment of perpetual rejection; and that's how I explained myself to myself. It took me until I was in my 30s to accumulate sufficient coping mechanisms to get along in life in a relatively balanced fashion.
I hated my name and my reflection for as long as I can remember. That's key to what happens later.
Beginning when I was in college, I came to realize that I had a "strong feminine side." Periodically, through adulthood, people would ask if I were gay, which always puzzled me, since I didn't think I exhibited any behaviors of manner or speech that suggested it. I had a good friend for years who never told me – his widow did, after his death – but he was absolutely convinced I was gay; and I had two gay friends tell me once that I was the "gayest straight man" they had ever met, and they couldn't figure me out.
It was about 10-11 years ago, when I was in my second marriage, that I had my initial experience of gender euphoria. I didn't know that's what it was; I only knew that imagining myself as a woman sent my spirit soaring to the stars. I was high for days. I came to terms with the fact that I would have preferred being born female; but I still thought I was male. I fancied myself a "male lesbian," or love-shy male; many of the tell-tales applied to me, though not all. I shared these thoughts and experiences with my wife; she was an active ally at the local LGBT center, and she shared what I had told her with a trans man she knew. He passed along the suggestion that I might be transgender. I knew nothing, really, about transgender people at the time – only the broad outlines, and the caricatures – and I didn't think so. And, since there wasn't anything I could do about being a "male lesbian" except live with it, I put this information about myself on the back burner and went on, taking it out to look it over from time to time.
About a year after my divorce, I was living alone and got the idea to explore this "feminine side." My purpose was to try to bring this aspect of myself up from my subconscious to my conscious and integrate it, which should, theoretically, make me a more actualized, balanced and fuller person. So, I did. My general approach was to begin adopting some female behaviors and minimize some male behaviors, largely in the privacy of my own home. I also blogged my experience on a certain website, and spent some time on >-bleeped-<.
It wasn't long before I began to wonder if it might be true that I was transgender. The more I thought about it, the more amazing the possibility seemed. I came to desire it, to want it to be true. When things reached the point where I thought it was a pretty good possibility, I decided I should consult a gender therapist. I did not want my desires to color the facts. I wanted an informed, objective opinion to confirm or refute what I thought I probably was.
I found one, contacted her, and she set up a phone interview. How do you present what you've been going through in a representative context of who you are, all within the space of a phone call of undetermined length? It's darn near impossible. I spent several days trying. Eventually, the night before the interview, I boiled everything down to four pieces of scratch paper. The next morning, I was sitting in my car, going over what I was going say in my mind – over, and over, and over, for the umpteenth time – when suddenly, I had an epiphany. I just knew. I just knew. Half of me was overjoyed; the other half was flabbergasted, not comprehending how I could possibly be a woman. That was a little trippy, let me tell you.
Since that experience, there have been many confirmations. I stopped trying to remember them all; but two stand out. The first is the depth of conviction I have had, since the first or second day I woke up. It's astounding to me that I could have a conviction so deep and so strong of an idea that is so new to me consciously – and yet, I do. The second is my experience with mirrors. After hating the sight of my face for 40 years, I was looking in the mirror one day and realized I loved what I saw. The difference was that I knew I was looking at a woman. It didn't matter that I don't pass; I could see into my own soul, and I knew. And that brought me joy, and love for myself that had always eluded me.
I still have my problems. Life didn't become perfect for me when I realized who I was. But it got a whole lot better. Overnight, I went from being a flower struggling in a desert, parched for lack of self-love, to one blossoming in gorgeous, resplendent color in a lovely garden. This took no thought or effort on my part; after being asleep for 60 years, I just finally woke up.
There had been signs all my life that I was different. I never once in my life, not ever, wanted to be masculine. Always, I was drawn to being feminine, even going so far as to get my mother to teach me to knit, sew, and bake cookies. She thought it was cute.
You would think that so many clues would have made it obvious, and I did often wonder, but a heavy streak of denial (internal transphobia) prevented me from realizing the truth. There was no way I could be one of those people, I thought.
Then, about two and a half years ago, I was attending a scientific conference. The keynote speaker just happened to be a trans woman. She gave a brilliant talk on some cutting-edge physics. I was curious to see how the rest of the audience responded to her. In the lobby afterwards, there was a lot of talk about her lecture and how interesting it was but none at all about her. That was an eye-opener for me, the fact that a trans person could just openly go about their business in the world and not draw ridicule.
Right around the same time, Caitlyn Jenner came out publicly. Say what you will about her, but her public profile did a lot to normalize the existence of trans people in society.
The combination of those events led me to investigate whether I truly might be transgender. Google led me to Susan's, and I signed up, since I have always felt comfortable with the forum format. After a few monthe of questioning and soul-searching, I admitted to myself that I really was trans, and I started to identify that way in my own mind.
Quote from: AnnMarie2017 on January 30, 2018, 06:37:52 AM
I feel like I talk about myself too much as it is. But, since my experience is in the minority, perhaps it will help someone.
AnnMarie, that was awesome! Much of what I can relate to.
I realized from an early age that there was something different about me, at age 6 is when I started borrowing my sister's clothes lol. then around puberty it happened even more and that's when I really started questioning myself, but for a while I thought it was just some weird fetish, then in 2013 I think that's when I realized that it was a lot more than that and that I really wanted to transition. then it was right at this time a year ago when things just began building up too much. I was sober for a month and this was still on my mind, and if it still was after thinking more clearly than I have in years then these thoughts weren't going anywhere, I needed to confront them. this one nosey girl had been asking me about it and one night everything just kinda came out and then I decided that I have to tell my real friends about it. I watched one of those videos about questions to ask yourself to determine if you're trans and my answers all pointed to trans. I would make jokes about being a girl for years, so none of this came to a surprise to my friends. one morning I made a joke to my friend in a text and then she asked me what pronouns I'd like to be called and then I realized that I really had to tell her so I had a conversation with her that night and everything took off from there
I knew from way too early that I was different, age 8. My repression started from age 10. I might not have known what I was, but knew what I wanted to be, but also knew I couldn't do that. Every media source of inside jokes about men in dresses or drag always cut me and made me isolate myself. I couldn't even watch movies with a trans character even if popular. For some reason I kept being boxed into more and more strict binary situations. High school I wore the boy suit well. College was worse. I went to school in TX, and basically shut down. The GD seemed to go away as long as I was emotionally numb. I still had thoughts and even conversations about how life would be different if I was a girl with college friends. I don't think they read anything into it, but I did, and hated it. I entered several careers, each were boys clubs and no way of being affirming. One of my old bosses, who I am still socially friends with will drop me for sure when he finds out. Anyway now onto getting older, wiser, and getting beaten and tricked by the trans beast. Eventually I was able to accept it intellectually, and knew from that point I couldn't beat the trans beast. It's me, the real me breaking free. It helped that this realization came with intense GD, pain (self inflicted) and crisis. After making that decision and accepting, pain is lessening. I am learning there are levels of self acceptance. I'm breaking those barriers and I can. It's hard, but sooo much better than the way I was.
I'm not sure if this answers the question. What were we talking about? :)
Bari Jo
Quote from: PurpleWolf on January 30, 2018, 02:36:25 AM
So how did you realize you were really trans? Or came to terms with it?
It was a long process and I'm not sure exactly how all the pieces came together, except I had my eyes open.
I didn't come to terms with it - I'd already come to terms with being different when I was a kid. So when I realized this was my problem there was nothing to get over. I wasn't surprised in the least. It all made sense.
QuoteMost of us must have 'always known' that something was up or thought about it on and off. But how did you finally accept that you were really trans? Like what led to it?
I just collected information - anecdotes, science studies, psychology books. I closely fit the pattern I was seeing there when it came to the classic symptoms and behavior of the transsexual individual. My own thoughts which are still strong as ever about the body, being female etc. fit into the picture formed like a final jigsaw piece and finally made sense where they were coming from.
QuoteWas it a long process - something you just thought about for years & years and finally accepted it as a fact or came to a conclusion? Or did some specific incident cause that lightbulb to go on?
Both. I had years worth of observations and experience and sometimes lightbulbs moments as well. Eventually there was just too much evidence to deny.
QuoteHow did that make you feel?
Bad. As a child I had made some simple observations that were right on point, but without the weight of more years of experience I had never believed myself fully until the last few years. The fact my kid self was more astute than I am now bothered me. It made me think I'd filled my head up with useless ideas or had been ignoring what had been staring me in the face. But I also know I don't make big decisions without enough reason to justify them so it makes sense I waited long enough to see that various attempts to be happy had failed first before taking that leap. That was inevitable I think. I'm probably too cautious to just leap into the unknown like that on the strength of an untested feeling.
I always felt like a piece is missing, but I'm not sure that's going to be rectified completely by transition. But it'll be good enough. Better than before.
I knew I was trans even before I knew what trans was. I just knew I wasn't a boy and didn't want a boy's body. When I was ten I saw a transwoman in TV and learned it was possible to have surgery to change someone's body and genitals to that of a female. I didn't get to see all of it because my mom came in and saw what I was watching and changed the channel. She said I shouldn't be watching garbage like that and that trans people were perverted freaks who were mentally ill. Even so I knew I wanted to have that surgery. I never had any conflict about being trans I just knew I was going to transition when I grew up. It didn't stress or bother me until I was about 15. I had no problem accepting that I was trans but I started stressing over possibly having my dad and brother disown me and hate me. That was because my mom had told me several times that my dad wouldn't tolerate an LGBT child. She lied of course. I figured my mom would disown and reject me but even at that age I didn't care if she did. She had always been embarrassed of my albinism and made me feel like a freak because of it so I was used to her rejection.
Julia, sorry, your mom sounds hideous >:(
I'm so sorry!!!
Quote from: AnnMarie2017 on January 30, 2018, 06:37:52 AM
> After hating the sight of my face for 40 years, I was looking in the mirror one day and realized I loved what I saw. The difference was that I knew I was looking at a woman. It didn't matter that I don't pass; I could see into my own soul, and I knew. And that brought me joy, and love for myself that had always eluded me.
AnnMarie your post brought me to tears - so well written, and so much I have experienced.
I didn't "get it" until I met other transmen.
I had always had a intense feeling that something was wrong, and bouts of dysphoria since a very early age. But I just didn't understand that "FTM" was a real phenomenon. Somehow in my mind, transgenders were MTF. Always.
When I met some transmen in the local LGBT group I was jealous of them and realized I wanted to talk about the same things they did (transitioning, testosterone, surgery, male life) and then suddenly something "clicked".
That feeling of: "Ohhh! NOW I get it..." after 27 years :P
it showed up one way or another off and on since early childhood, but i didn't understand what it meant for me until much later. it wasn't until my 20s when i was married that i realized something had to be done about it because i just couldn't stand being somebody's "wife" any more. i don't remember when it first clicked for me that i was this "transgender" thing i had heard about--which i didn't really hear about until my teens--but it was something that gradually built up over the years, especially once i was in a relationship.
A lot has been said already that I can relate to. I can take parts from probably all of the replies and put them together to explain how it happened for me.
One thing I would like to add, however, is that in my case there was a more subconscious aspect of it. I do a lot of meditation. A lot of times where I'm in places away from my body. Be that induced altered states of consciousness or dreaming. And in all of that, who I am is not who I was born as. It's like my deepest emotional patterns and sense of self have a default state which doesn't correspond to the way I was born. And the most disconcerting thing is that this subconscious state feels more natural. It's the times I don't actively have to think about myself. I just am.
For as long as I can remember, every time I have been free to just be myself, and express myself, away from physical boundaries of the world, and the flesh, the same thing happens. Like my mind knows who I am. Or who I should be. Something like that. I have to make a conscious effort to change that. And it's not a change I like. A lot of the time, even still, I come back to the phyiscal and it's jarring. Disorienting. Like waking up in someone else's body.
I think the final push towards acceptance, for me, came when it got to the stage that I would rather dream than wake up. When I would rather stay in that place that felt natural. And not have to think about it. That's when I knew something wasn't right.
to be honest, I still wrestle with full acceptance. I sometimes fear what life will do to me. Will my partner and friends leave? will my family cut me off? will I lose everything I love and need to start over? Why do I feel like this?
I am mostly there and happily prefer to be referred to as she, but I will not take hormones unless this becomes do or die for me... which I fear it soon will be, hopefully not until I have the means to store sperm
I won't go into why it took me so long to consider it, but when I finally started kicking around the idea of transitioning I quickly became obsessed with the idea of SRS. I've hated my male genitals my whole life, I've never wanted to use them, and never taken pleasure in them ever, I hate them and hate getting erections, and hate the role their presence insists I inhabit. There are many other reasons I'm happy to be on this path, but I would still be focused on getting a vaginoplasty even if everything else had to stay exactly the same.
I realized there was something different about me when I was around 6 -7 years old. But I accepted that I was trans when I was about 15 years old. That's when things got very severe. I thought these feelings were gonna go away at some point, but it never did.
There were clues all through my child hood but it took a while to put them together. I hated boys haircuts sports etc. I would often dream of starting a new school as a girl. I went to an all boy's junior school & other kids were terrified of being picked to act the girl's part in the annual play. I couldn't see what the fuss was. I was 14 when an older boy at school rode past on his BSA motorbike, with his girlfriend on the back, arms round his waist, long blonde hair streaming out from under her crash helmet. My friend wished he was the boy, I wanted to be the girl.
6 years later, just after my 21st birthday & I was working on my Triumph in a freezing garage. I did 30 minutes on, 10 off it was so cold. I picked up the paper & it was like a bucket of icy water was thrown over me. I read a lurid story of a woman who was previously a burly sailor & her life was so similar to mine. I couldn't do it, I had zero self esteem, no confidence & was already a heavy drinker using speed weed & coke. My intake of drugs & alcohol went up as I blotted it out for the next 10 years
By 1989 I knew I must do it soon, I was heading for the cemetary. I set the kitchen on fire making chips drunk, fell through a glass door off my face on coke. After being threatened with being sectioned by a psychiatrist I started self medicating, cut back on my drinking & drug use, started electrolysis & growing my hair out. In October 1991 I went full time, op in December 1994
I realized it in a sense around 12 or 13. Acceptance took until I was about 35 or so. I was crossdressing in private since I was 15, but I somehow managed to convince myself I didn't want to actually BE a woman. Once I realized the truth, it still took 7 years to finally realize I couldn't go on like this, all the while telling myself I couldn't do it because I was too tall, too ugly, too deep a voice, etc... Which all seems so utterly ludicrous now.
Basically as soon as I learned transition was possible I knew it was right for me. I'd seen a promo for a special on some channel about transgender surgery when I was 10 or so. In college I found a social group that felt right for me to come out in and went from there.
I've always been a tomboy. I even spent a couple weeks at camp when I was 9 trying to get everyone to call me by a boy's name. I've had random thoughts over the years such as seriously contemplating what it would be like to have a penis. Which I always figured wasn't "normal" so I never told anyone. I never really thought seriously that I might be something other than what I was born. Then a couple weeks ago my friend and I signed up for a comic con and I decided to cosplay a male character. It started as a joke, but then I got really into the idea. Like, I could totally be a guy! For years I've been telling people I feel like I should be a gay guy. It just happened to come up in a chat with an online friend last week and she said, "Like you're transgender?" And I was like, What? That's a thing? OMG. That's me! I feel like a huge lightbulb has gone off!
I always felt male, always wanted to be accepted as male, went online and immediately identified there as male (at age ten!) And that continued until I was about 19
It was only when a friend told me that transgender was a thing that I began to research it...
So it was never realising that I was trans. It was realising that there was a word/term for what I was and that I wasn't the only one out there.
Quote from: AJ3721 on February 04, 2018, 09:56:35 PM
I've always been a tomboy. I even spent a couple weeks at camp when I was 9 trying to get everyone to call me by a boy's name. I've had random thoughts over the years such as seriously contemplating what it would be like to have a penis. Which I always figured wasn't "normal" so I never told anyone. I never really thought seriously that I might be something other than what I was born. Then a couple weeks ago my friend and I signed up for a comic con and I decided to cosplay a male character. It started as a joke, but then I got really into the idea. Like, I could totally be a guy! For years I've been telling people I feel like I should be a gay guy. It just happened to come up in a chat with an online friend last week and she said, "Like you're transgender?" And I was like, What? That's a thing? OMG. That's me! I feel like a huge lightbulb has gone off!
That sounds awesome, ;)!
Quote from: big kim on February 01, 2018, 04:23:30 PM
I was 14 when an older boy at school rode past on his BSA motorbike, with his girlfriend on the back, arms round his waist, long blonde hair streaming out from under her crash helmet. My friend wished he was the boy, I wanted to be the girl.
You just described my dream at 14-16 :D!!! (And I wanted to be the boy for sure.)
There are some residual issues still to deal with.
For example although I personally haven't changed inside now I get referred to as a gay man sometimes, which is weird. I don't care, it's just alien to me. And not because I don't know gay men. I know lots of gay people. It just doesn't make sense to me much. In the same way being treated all that differently by people on the strength of an abstract definition doesn't make much sense to me. I don't even class myself as gay, but bisexual, but to anyone else from outside it's gay if you happen to have been in relationships with men before or live with one you used to be in one with etc. When people ask you to define yourself, it's more like they're asking you to define it for them so they know how to feel about it. Which is utterly bizarre. It's like asking me to pick a cartoon stereotype I'd like to be known by. I just don't want to do it. And I don't know why they can't just do what I do and take everything in on a case by case basis and decide how to feel about each individual thing according to its merits. Maybe that's too much work for some people.
Frankly my way of dealing with the weirdness of that is just not to examine it. So I guess I'll probably just put it out of mind and avoid the topic as much as possible. I've definitely become more avoidant of trans topics and sexuality as a topic, despite the fact more and more people are eager to discuss it. I don't know why my status means so much to them.
That why you need to talk to Behavior Health specialist to help clear your mind, otherwise you will be questions your self and miserable to your self and other around you. I was in the same boat like you and I was so miserable couldn't concentrate to do anything at all. I decided to take the bull by the horns and seek for help with Behavior Health specialist. After couple session my Therapist recommend me to transition otherwise I will be miserable forever, with that I at peace with my self to begin medical transition five months ago. Now I am beginning my third months on HRT.
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A lot of people here talk about "wanting" to be or have or grow into something in the future. I never had that. As a kid I just "did things", and they were just things that I did. I don't know if it was how I was raised, or how my brain worked or if it was a form of dissociation/derealization, but I always had a very hard time with projecting myself into the future or really listening to what my mind/body was telling me they needed. As a kid I couldn't imagine being an adult of any gender; I lived in the here and now. And the things I liked doing were just my quirks. There was no rhyme or reason, according to me or anyone around me.
So when I would occasionally break out the packing tape in my room in secret to make my chest look flat, it didn't mean anything. It wasn't something I "wanted", it was just a weird thing I was doing. Take the tape off after a few minutes of looking at myself in the mirror or trying on some shirts, and go back to my normal life.
Or when I had opportunities to dress up - for Halloween, for ren faires, whatever - I always wanted to dress masculine, but that was also something I just "did".
I realized I was trans of some stripe a few years ago, but identifying as NB didn't feel quite right. It didn't feel as good as this feels. Last November I realized that I was male, and that transition was something I wanted to do for myself and my life. Not even getting married or choosing to move to another country to be with my husband felt like one big "Want" like this. We love each other to pieces and will be growing old together, but our relationship has been a series of things we "just did", or logistical steps. This is affirming in a much deeper way. I described what it was like to realize this thing about myself in terms of music: that it's like listening to a song where everything is just slightly off-key. The moment I said to myself "I'm a man" was the moment that all the instruments playing the song suddenly played in tune, and the song made sense. It became bearable to listen to for the first time in my life.
I still struggle immensely with paying attention to what my wants and needs are, but having a compass helps.
Quote from: BT04 on March 01, 2018, 11:35:11 AMI described what it was like to realize this thing about myself in terms of music: that it's like listening to a song where everything is just slightly off-key. The moment I said to myself "I'm a man" was the moment that all the instruments playing the song suddenly played in tune, and the song made sense. It became bearable to listen to for the first time in my life.
Great way to describe it. Same for me as well. I never 'wanted' this, like someone desires a thing. But I didn't want to feel disoriented like I did before, that was for sure. And this feels better.
Quote from: Kylo on March 01, 2018, 12:51:58 PM
Great way to describe it. Same for me as well. I never 'wanted' this, like someone desires a thing. But I didn't want to feel disoriented like I did before, that was for sure. And this feels better.
The wants are more superficial - I "want" to have a certain aesthetic after I start going full-time; I "want" to start having sex differently; I "want" to keep weight-lifting because I like the results I'm getting so far - but I guess I never "wanted" to be a man because I never felt anything was amiss enough for it to distress me, and I always was one anyway I guess.
Maybe in a sense I spent most of my life having some kind of "cis" trans male experience, and my shift to being specifically FtM came only after I realized that it was possible
for me, let alone desirable.
But yeah, that moment of clarity, the euphoria is powerful stuff. It's amazing how easy it is to not know the background noise, like the buzzing of tinnitus, is there until it's not.
Irritating "mental background noise" is how I would describe the effects of E.
T is like a blissful silence in which I'm free to think a little more clearly.
Quote from: BT04 on March 01, 2018, 11:35:11 AM
I described what it was like to realize this thing about myself in terms of music: that it's like listening to a song where everything is just slightly off-key. The moment I said to myself "I'm a man" was the moment that all the instruments playing the song suddenly played in tune, and the song made sense. It became bearable to listen to for the first time in my life.
I agree as well... I think that describes my feeling as well when I realized at 13 that I
could be a boy and be seen as such by others. Like suddenly it all made sense. Before that the things I did were also things 'I just did' without actually realizing that meant I was really a boy inside. I just 'was that way'. If I had the choice, I'd choose boy things. Yes I did fantasize about being seen and treated as a boy. But that was more when I was younger. Yes I did feel dysphoric in many situations in retrospect but didn't quite consciously realize that meant I was really a boy. I was generally happy/content being a girl child... after all that was what I was right.
Anyway beautifully put :)
Quote from: Kylo on March 01, 2018, 11:16:06 PM
Irritating "mental background noise" is how I would describe the effects of E.
T is like a blissful silence in which I'm free to think a little more clearly.
It's funny I feel like this even after changing my name...
I do wonder what I'll feel like on T then
I now realize I've been having that sucky feeling
all the time before this. I knew my deadname bothered me a hell of a lot - but I didn't realize I felt that constantly in the background until it stopped.
Hello all, for some they have referred to the light coming on that they are transgender, for me my inner voice told me I was and at that moment I experienced the most serene moment of peace as it swept thru my body. So my journey started with the need for breasts and that was like turning on a switch that I was to have them and I do have small breasts. Accepting it though is a daily struggle for me some days yes some not. the struggle with accepting it is I believe that I am genderfluid as my feelings switch back and forth, it seems alone time I am a woman. And as always it seems that the noise is constantly there or voice if you will. Almost seems like there is a discussion going on between the male part of me and the female side. But yes I am transgender not by my choice but I am me. I have so many thoughts about all of this but just cant seem to get them out all at once so sorry about jumping all over the place. I am without a doubt thankful for susans it has helped me to understand myself more and more. Thanks for listening. :)
I've wished that I was AMAB for as long as I can remember, but for the first 20 years of my life I had no idea that FTM was a thing. You heard about MTF people occasionally (and they were always described as disgusting), but as far as I knew nobody ever went the other way. I don't really remember when I realized that trans men existed, but it was about the time that the Brandon Teena story came out, so it could have been that. I seriously thought about transitioning in college, but the internet was in its infancy and there certainly weren't any books that explained how I could live my life as a man. I eventually gave up on the idea of transitioning because I didn't know how, and I was scared. I was also attracted to men, and I figured that I'd get more male attention as a cis woman. I revisited the question several times over the years, but I just felt I didn't have the emotional energy to try something as challenging as transitioning.
About a year ago I found myself thinking about it again, and this time it was different. I likened it to what happens when someone just wakes up one day and realizes they can't stand living in their long-time bad marriage one minute longer. I had been chained to my assigned gender for 44 years, and I was sick to death of it. I wanted a divorce from womanhood. Besides, there just no longer seemed to be reasons to have reservations. A new antidepressant medication suddenly made everyday life less exhausting, and I had to admit that I'd been extremely unlucky in love as a woman. My love life certainly couldn't get worse if I started living as a man. I started talking the issue over with my therapist, and things just gained momentum from there. The more I tested out a masculine identity, the better I felt. Transitioning has been one of the best decisions of my life. :)
Quote from: PurpleWolf on January 30, 2018, 02:36:25 AM
My other threads might have touched on this topic already, but I wanted to make a new thread for this.
So how did you realize you were really trans? Or came to terms with it?
Most of us must have 'always known' that something was up or thought about it on and off. But how did you finally accept that you were really trans? Like what led to it?
Was it a long process - something you just thought about for years & years and finally accepted it as a fact or came to a conclusion? Or did some specific incident cause that lightbulb to go on?
How did that make you feel?
Anything else you wanna share?
All my life I thought there was something wrong with me. I never heard of "Transgender" or "transsexual" people except when people made some stupid joke about them. I never thought I was one of them. I just seen myself as a broken freak who never fit in.
There has been a conflict raging inside of me all my life. I always felt like I was living in the wrong body. I liked everything to do with being a girl. I hated my male self.
I made up for it by being a tough guy, someone you did not want to cross. Like I said I thought there was something wrong with me. Something to be ashamed of, something that really should be put down like an aging dog. I have tried to kill myself so many times I can't count them.
I even know what it feels and sounds like to hear a loaded gun click with the muzzle in my mouth(only to have it misfire). Each and every time I failed and that made it worse knowing I couldn't even do that one thing right.
The last straw was almost 2 years or so ago. I just gave up. I gave up caring, I gave up eating, I wanted to just go to sleep and never wake back up.
I lost a lot of weight. I got down to around 60 pounds and had lost all appetite and mostly drank water. I don't know why or what led me here but I was just sitting at my computer and ran across this forum. I started to read about what "Transgenderism" was and a light snapped on in my head (could I be?). I really couldn't believe what I was reading.
I then started reading everything I could find on the subject.
Then one night I'm watching the TLC channel and a show comes on called "I am Jazz". OMG that brave, wonderful little girl put into words what I never could and opened my eyes. I think I cried harder than I ever have that day when the realization sank in that I wasn't a freak. I might be fixable, there might be hope.
I found a Doctor in Memphis at a place called "CHOICES - Memphis Center For Reproductive Health" and set up an appointment.
She asked questions about things you wouldn't believe and had me come back in 1 month. She handed me a "Informed consent" paper about HRT and told me to read it and think real hard about starting HRT and if I still wanted it to sign the paper and give it to her when I returned in a month.
Needless to say that was the longest month in my life. I read up on and fully understood the pros and cons of HRT and decided it was what I needed. I knew it would be hard to start life over as a woman especially at 60 yrs old but if it brought me happiness even if for a few days, months, or whatever time I have left on this earth then I was all for it. I went back a month later and handed her the signed paper.
She took all kinds of blood tests and even some I never heard of and handed me a couple prescription papers to have filled for spironolactone and estradiol. I was ecstatic to say the least. I couldn't wait to get home to get the prescriptions filled. I remember running into the prescription shop waving my prescriptions like a victory flag lol. I went shopping after that for womens clothes and threw away all my "male" clothes and have been living as a woman ever since.
I know I will never be good looking and don't really care. I didn't do it because I found some sexual thrill in it. That was not what this was about. This was about repairing a birth defect that happened at birth. This was about saving my life. I would give anything to have known about this years ago. Maybe things would have been better. But you know what? I am not going to sit here and worry about the past or what might have been.
I am finally living my life my way and I am damn happy. Yes for the first time in my life I can honestly say "I am happy". Each day is now a blessing not a curse. It's my wish and prayer that everyone who comes to this forum seeking help finds the peace and happiness I have found. I am so glad this isn't real paper because you would not be able to read it from all the tears that have fallen on it while typing it. I don't cry from sadness any longer. I cry from happiness now and that makes all the difference.
OMG I have never bared my soul so much. I apologize for being so long winded.
Love
Bobbie LeAnn
BobbieAnn what you just posted is incredible. Reading that gave me goosebumps - seriously.
Quote from: Kendra on March 09, 2018, 01:00:18 AM
BobbieAnn what you just posted is incredible. Reading that gave me goosebumps - seriously.
Thank you Kendra.
It was hard to write. I had to stop many times to wipe away tears. Sometime the hardest things for us to do are the most needed to heal the soul.
Love
Bobbie LeAnn
The 'oddness' for me came around 10 or 11 years old. I started crossdressing and felt like a freak for enjoying it so much. I'd have dreams of being a girl, and would sometimes pray to God (despite being agnostic!) that I would wake up in the morning a girl with no social repercussions. That's how unhinged I was at the time. Things happened at school, and long story short people found out and was bullied for it for the final year or two of school.
I still knew nothing about what I was. I had seen Jerry Springer during my early teenage years of which he had many transgender guests but it never clicked that I was one. I had developed interanalised trans-phobia.
Like so many who have already posted, I tried my best to be 'the man', taking up stereotypical male jobs that my father and grandfathers had done in attempt to rid myself of my perverted urges. What had actually happened was that I had developed a heavy depression and severe anxiety. At one point I couldn't bring myself to leave the house for nearly 2 weeks.
At the age of 21 my mother finally took me to the doctor despite my protests. He set me up with a counselor who after almost a year of wrangling manged to get my talking about my crossdressing. I very slowly, and very cautiously started exploring these feelings. Eventually the counselor asked if I felt I was a girl. That's when a little glimmer of hope appeared. Could this be the answer? I was still hesitant but agreed to be referred to a gender identity clinic.
I waited a whole 18 months to be seen. During this time nothing had changed in myself apart from a mild curiosity that this might make me better. As the date of my first appointment neared I began to research more and more on the subject. I became to like what I was seeing, but only really as an end to the depression and anxiety I had.
By this point I'd quit my job, gone back to college and got some A-levels and was looking to go to Uni in the September. I had built up in my head this new life for myself as a woman. As final exams approached my depression was taking a serious toll on me and I asked my doctor for some anti-depressants to tide me over. BIG MISTAKE.
I'm sure many on here have had anti-depressants at some point, but for those that don't know they essentially calm the violent mood swings of depression. Although things stop going from extreme elation to being almost suicidal, the knock-on effect is you don't feel anything. It's very difficult to get happy or excited about anything, but you no longer feel intense dread and fear. They are a double edged sword that I wouldn't recommend to anybody except under very dire circumstances. Anyway, back to my point...
Because I now had the emotion dulling effects of anti-depressants in my system my enthusiasm for HRT and transition had greatly diminished, though I still wanted it. However as I went through the therapy with the psychologist she actually manged to convince me I was not transgender and only a crossdresser. At the time I sort of accepted it cause, y'know? They are medically trained proeffesionals and have years of experience on these things.
So for my time through Uni I treated my obsessions with things femmine as a perverted fetish, despite very rarely actually doing anything transgender or crossdressing related. There were a couple of times I dressed up as a girl for Halloween parties but I never fully gave myself over. It was fun, and I enjoyed wearing the clothes but I was still a guy at a party, and everyone knew it. I did get mistaken for an actual girl at the time twice one particular Halloween which today would make me elated, but at the time was merely amusing. Even I didn't realise at the time and it was my friend that had to point it out to me. That's just how disconnected from being transgender I was then.
Uni ended with little fanfare and after doing another stint in 'generic male industry #552' again, the following March I flew out to work in Japan. Shortly after leaving Uni I demanded my doctor take me off anti-depressants as I had worries about being able to get the medication in Japan. My first 6 or 7 months in Japan were fantastic and helped to counteract the effects of withdrawal symptoms.
Thankfully I came out the other end with no anti-depressant dependency and no depression! However, something else had returned - my gender dysphoria. This was the first time I was able to clearly and thoughtfully analyse the feelings I was having. I rationalised that I was likely 95% transgender. The flicker of light had come back.
Still, fears of how family might respond put me off the idea of transitioning. Luckily, a chance was coming up. I'd become dissatisfied with my job in Japan and the culture had turned from a novelty to a chore. I wanted to move back to the UK. It was around this time I read about a salon in Tokyo that caters to crossdressers, MtF and FtM as well as doing general makeovers for cis-gendered people. I wrestled with the idea of having a session with them. After nearly 3 months of indecision I decided to give it a go. I was leaving Japan soon anyway, so I thought 'why not?'
When I got there I was a little timid about the experience but both girls were very kind and welcoming. They asked me for ideas for clothing and hairstyles to which I gave vague answers of 'first date, work-wear and something fun'. I put on the first outfit, a yellow flowery dress and sat in the makeup chair. I honestly don't remember what I looked like in the dress before she applied the makeup. After about 15mins she said it was time for the wig and told me to close my eyes.
When I opened my eyes my brain tried it's hardest to understand what it was seeing. A rush of excitement came ovr me and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I liked it, but something about it made me uncomfortable. Upon reflection I've come to the conclusion that I looked very much like my mother, albeit much younger, right down to the hair colour and style she used to wear. We did some photo's but although I was having fun I still hadn't had my light bulb moment. We changed hairstyles and took more photos in that outfit, but I'd subconsciously made the connection and couldn't settle. So we tried the next outfit.
It was the simplest of simple office attire. A white button blouse and black skirt. I closed my eyes again for the wig. I'd asked for a different colour that more closely matched my actual hair colour. I opened my eyes...
And saw myself for the very first time.
Aside from a slow smile creeping up my face I couldn't think, I couldn't feel, I was just mesmerised. While this reveal was happening one of the ladies was taking photos of me. After half a dozen snaps she turned the LCD screen towards me to show the pictures. I had to fight back the tears and several manged to escape. I couldn't believe what I was seeing was actually me, this huge, lumbering, ape of a man had become a shockingly feminine and pretty woman.
This was my light bulb moment and it will live forever with me for eternity.
I told them, in my broken Japanese, that this was how I saw myself in my heart. They asked what my name was. The one I gave was one I used on and off throughout the years, but for the rest of the session that is what they called me. After some more photos and a couple more tears I explained to them how one of my biggest fears was that I wouldn't look anything like a woman. Their response was 'But <name>, you ARE a lady!'. That made me tear up even more and filled me with such joy. One issue I've wrestled with has been a dislike of the word woman. I prefer girl, but I'm getting older and can't get away with that anymore. But to be called a lady... I was over the moon!
The final outfit was a bit more fun, an actual costume if you will. I stopped seeing myself as a man, but as a cheeky lady and had a lot of fun. Over the final 30mins of the session, my mannerisms noticeably changed, my voice started to climb higher and I was walking more ladylike.
Eventually it all had to come to an end, and I will be eternal thankful to those two ladies that showed to me what I was on the inside. The train-ride home gave me plenty of time to think things over. I had a decision to make. That was a week ago.
The following days I was on a high and although that has abated mostly, my decision hasn't changed. I MUST transition when I return to the UK. I have booked 2 more appointments at this salon before I leave Japan as I want to give my new identity as much energy and positive reinforcement as possible, and also to give the salon more custom as a kind of thank-you.
My light bulb is very truly burning brightly.
Quote from: Kokoro on March 10, 2018, 08:54:31 AM
> This was my light bulb moment and it will live forever with me for eternity.
I told them, in my broken Japanese, that this was how I saw myself in my heart.
Kokoro, an absolutely precious experience. When you go back to the salon have them take photos - you don't necessarily need to share the photos, those decisions may come later. But you will want those as a milestone in your life. Photographs of your heart.
Kendra
Quote from: Bobbie Ann on March 08, 2018, 10:46:07 PM
OMG I have never bared my soul so much. I apologize for being so long winded.
Never apologize for baring your soul here. What you shared with us was bery moving. Thank you.
Quote from: Kokoro on March 10, 2018, 08:54:31 AM
My light bulb is very truly burning brightly.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I had tears in my eyes reading it. I am sure your light bulb continues to shine brightly.
My realisation was, the rest of my life from what I could remember, suddenly made sense. It's was after a home invasion incident when I physically caught the perpetrator (that rascally rabbit did get away though, until the police caught up with him...). My inward spiral started, because it didn't make sense, why did I feel so appalled at what everyone around was telling me I should be proud of.? I should've been absolutely full of myself, for attempting to protect my family in the face of very real danger, and for holding it together enough for there to be sufficient material evidence for the police to make the conviction. Instead I was disgusted, and every word of praise brought about a further round of internal admonition, and the spiral worsened.
That was, until I asked myself what was it that was bothering me most about that praise. I realised that it was an expectation of men - cold rage into battle against a foe unknown that had dared to compromise our defences. My realisation very shortly after was that my disgust with myself was from internal societal expectations of how I should behave, and address the world was as female (how much so, I'll never be certain) - and in those circumstances I had had to behave like a man. Totally out of character, totally dissonant, and it just made sense.
Through that changed world view, I looked back into the fragments of memories, and yes, the signs were there and it made sense. All of it made sense. And that ran into internalised transphobia and terrible triggering of historic trauma. The spiral then became a crash.
And that's where I am right now, in therapy, on drugs, knowing that every single step of transition would be hugely triggering, and the thought of it alone, quite overwhelming. Trying to be invisible.
Rowan
Kathy, Kendra, thank you so much for your kind words.
I have the photo's from the first session and would love to share them, but forum restrictions mean I can't... yet. I already know the perfect one for my avatar.
Quote from: Sno on March 10, 2018, 05:52:07 PM
And that's where I am right now, in therapy, on drugs, knowing that every single step of transition would be hugely triggering, and the thought of it alone, quite overwhelming. Trying to be invisible.
Rowan
Rowan, any difficulties, any problems, no mater how small or petty they may seem, please come and share them with us. We are here for each other and will help you get through your transition. You are far from alone!
Quote from: Sno on March 10, 2018, 05:52:07 PM
My realisation was, the rest of my life from what I could remember, suddenly made sense. It's was after a home invasion incident when I physically caught the perpetrator (that rascally rabbit did get away though, until the police caught up with him...). My inward spiral started, because it didn't make sense, why did I feel so appalled at what everyone around was telling me I should be proud of.? I should've been absolutely full of myself, for attempting to protect my family in the face of very real danger, and for holding it together enough for there to be sufficient material evidence for the police to make the conviction. Instead I was disgusted, and every word of praise brought about a further round of internal admonition, and the spiral worsened.
You felt bad that people were expecting you to defend your property, or that it's bad people expect men to do that and not women, or just that you're supposed to feel good as a man about it?
On the opposite end, I'd had home invasion scenarios myself and I was all but happy to kick someone's arse for daring to try cleaning us out, and of course you don't get
any praise for doing that if they think you're a woman. In fact they think you're a weirdo for even wanting to act in a dangerous situation. Same with defending your person, which I've also had to do. People are horrified if you do happen to show an aggressive side underneath a female exterior. The worst thing is having a lecture from someone about keeping yourself safe when they were nowhere to be seen when it mattered anyway.
Honestly I think it's only natural for anybody, man or woman, to want to defend their own person and/or possessions. Of course I wouldn't expect my mother or sister to go charging off into a dark house in front of me if we were being robbed, because their instincts aren't to do that. It makes more sense for someone who's more confident and with more experience or physical strength to go first. But still, I don't see why it's a hugely gendered issue. I remember my mother once was in the house alone by herself when I was at school and she actually had an argument with a man trying to break into one of the bedroom windows. Rather than antagonize the guy directly, she told him she was going to leave the room and give him 5 minutes to get lost before calling the police, and he did. But at the time I thought it was incredibly ballsy of her, given the neighborhood we lived in and the sort of junkies that used to break in. I was really proud of her for telling him to sod off, and doing it in a clever way that meant she didn't end up having to confront him anyway. If that was me, I'd have been daring him to come in and get a taste of an axe or something. So I praised her a lot for outsmarting him and making it so we didn't have to deal with yet another break in. I don't think she cared either way about the praise. . .
Hi Kylo,
It was spoken that it was the manly thing to have done, any man would do that for their family etc etc.
At that point, still reeling from the shock, I understood and realised that the world saw and equated me as man, and I did not.
That was the dissonance, if that makes sense.
Rowan
For me it was the gay friend advances how much I enjoyed them despite the fact was attracted to everything feminine, kwew for certain wasn't "that way" myself.
After suffering through bad relationshipa all through HS finally gave in about 20 or so when I started on premarian. Lol boyfriend noticed almost immediately and did not like results.
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Quote from: Kiera on March 13, 2018, 10:03:17 AM. Lol boyfriend noticed almost immediately and did not like results.
It was more like euphoria than dysphoria and his displeasure was all the greater!
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Quote from: Bobbie Ann on March 08, 2018, 10:46:07 PM
All my life I thought there was something wrong with me. I never heard of "Transgender" or "transsexual" people except when people made some stupid joke about them. I never thought I was one of them. I just seen myself as a broken freak who never fit in.
There has been a conflict raging inside of me all my life. I always felt like I was living in the wrong body. I liked everything to do with being a girl. I hated my male self.
I made up for it by being a tough guy, someone you did not want to cross. Like I said I thought there was something wrong with me. Something to be ashamed of, something that really should be put down like an aging dog. I have tried to kill myself so many times I can't count them.
I even know what it feels and sounds like to hear a loaded gun click with the muzzle in my mouth(only to have it misfire). Each and every time I failed and that made it worse knowing I couldn't even do that one thing right.
The last straw was almost 2 years or so ago. I just gave up. I gave up caring, I gave up eating, I wanted to just go to sleep and never wake back up.
I lost a lot of weight. I got down to around 60 pounds and had lost all appetite and mostly drank water. I don't know why or what led me here but I was just sitting at my computer and ran across this forum. I started to read about what "Transgenderism" was and a light snapped on in my head (could I be?). I really couldn't believe what I was reading.
I then started reading everything I could find on the subject.
Then one night I'm watching the TLC channel and a show comes on called "I am Jazz". OMG that brave, wonderful little girl put into words what I never could and opened my eyes. I think I cried harder than I ever have that day when the realization sank in that I wasn't a freak. I might be fixable, there might be hope.
I found a Doctor in Memphis at a place called "CHOICES - Memphis Center For Reproductive Health" and set up an appointment.
She asked questions about things you wouldn't believe and had me come back in 1 month. She handed me a "Informed consent" paper about HRT and told me to read it and think real hard about starting HRT and if I still wanted it to sign the paper and give it to her when I returned in a month.
Needless to say that was the longest month in my life. I read up on and fully understood the pros and cons of HRT and decided it was what I needed. I knew it would be hard to start life over as a woman especially at 60 yrs old but if it brought me happiness even if for a few days, months, or whatever time I have left on this earth then I was all for it. I went back a month later and handed her the signed paper.
She took all kinds of blood tests and even some I never heard of and handed me a couple prescription papers to have filled for spironolactone and estradiol. I was ecstatic to say the least. I couldn't wait to get home to get the prescriptions filled. I remember running into the prescription shop waving my prescriptions like a victory flag lol. I went shopping after that for womens clothes and threw away all my "male" clothes and have been living as a woman ever since.
I know I will never be good looking and don't really care. I didn't do it because I found some sexual thrill in it. That was not what this was about. This was about repairing a birth defect that happened at birth. This was about saving my life. I would give anything to have known about this years ago. Maybe things would have been better. But you know what? I am not going to sit here and worry about the past or what might have been.
I am finally living my life my way and I am damn happy. Yes for the first time in my life I can honestly say "I am happy". Each day is now a blessing not a curse. It's my wish and prayer that everyone who comes to this forum seeking help finds the peace and happiness I have found. I am so glad this isn't real paper because you would not be able to read it from all the tears that have fallen on it while typing it. I don't cry from sadness any longer. I cry from happiness now and that makes all the difference.
OMG I have never bared my soul so much. I apologize for being so long winded.
Love
Bobbie LeAnn
This nearly made me cry. I can relate a lot to this. Thank you for posting this.
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When I was about four, my mother told me that I couldn't be called Mary because I was a boy (she knew that because of my teeth). I was sure that she was mistaken but I wouldn't call it a realisation that I was transgender (not that I would have known what it meant). Rather, I just felt that my boy's hair and clothes were not for me. I sometimes cried in the barbershop and I liked to walk around naked except for my mother's headscarf and, sometimes, a towel worn like a dress. I didn't regard my willy as a problem as I presumed that girls had them too.
When I was eight, finally realising my ignorance, my mother told me that women don't have willies. Perhaps that was my transgender moment, although the word didn't exist then. (I now think that the Playboy mag that appeared in the spare room with my toys was intended as sex education, and was not left there by mistake as I presumed for many years. I didn't learn much from a 1964 issue, though.) I was in shock when I realised that I had the body of a boy. I tried to "get with the programme" but I couldn't help myself and kept putting on my mother's clothes and sometimes make-up, futile as it felt.
I was twelve when I read an article about April Ashley. I realised that I was like her, so perhaps that was the moment of realisation, although the only word then was "transsexual". I sometimes cross-dressed in public but I was sometimes recognised. When I was about twenty, I was sent to a psychiatrist. He pushed me into admitting that I was "homosexual", after which he seemed quite satisfied and I didn't have to see him anymore. (I am 62 and have never had sex with a man, nor successful sex with a woman.) At least I wasn't sent to an institution, which is what I feared would happen (I had heard my parents discussing the subject). That's why I didn't tell him I wanted a sex change, as I was sure that my parents would have me committed rather than accept that.
Things might have been different if I had grown up in a different time and place. Public cross-dressing was equated with homosexuality and there were laws against homosexuality; SRS cost more than most people earned in years; I didn't know anyone like me; even my beloved mother said that she despised me; there were no hijra or ladyboy communities to run away to and I didn't know of any brothels or pimps (not that I would have realised that they might employ cross-dressers).
I did sometimes think about suicide, of course (what trans person doesn't). I once read about a trans woman in the country where I was living. She was working in sheltered employment for people considered mentally deficient but she did exist so, perhaps, it could be argued that I didn't try hard enough to transition. I certainly tried hard to seem like a man at work (without success, I think, as colleagues called me "Nana" or "mother"). Like cis women, though, I had dreams of other things besides being a woman, and they would not have been fulfilled by working in sheltered employment or living in an institution. I liked to spend my free time in lonely wild places where I could commune with nature, watch wildlife and wear women's clothes and make-up without being assaulted or arrested. I moved to Britain with the intention of transitioning permanently but instead I moved in with and cared for my mother. She's dead now and my wardrobe is becoming more feminine. I'm old now, though, so I often feel that nothing matters anymore.
Yes, the moment at age eight, when I learned that I had the wrong body as well as the wrong clothes and hair, was probably the "transgender" epiphany. When did I come to terms with it? Probably never.
I never accepted I was trans. I'm female.. with a back history and 'complications'.. I've had some similar experiences and can certainly empathize, however. :)
This really hard to pinpoint. I was raised from a young age in a house with 4 women and myself. That may have something to do with it. I'm unsure. I played with dolls and enjoyed it, you know Barbie, Ken, etc. also played baseball and football with the neighborhood boys, but was just as content playing with dolls.
I took some "heat" in grade school about dolls, though at the time it was "action figures" like G.I Joe. The comments rolled off.
I always enjoyed female company more so than male. Same though high school and college. I did date a lot of women but mainly I was attracted to the femininity. I was always jealous of the great clothes and styles a woman could pull off.
I didn't start dressing until maybe 3-4 years after marriage. My OWN clothes, never theirs.
This may sound bizarre or perverted. I was actually rather naive at the time. I didn't know anything about transgender. I went to an adult book store and saw my first (apologies for any offense) ">-bleeped-<" videos. I was immediately and forever smitten. I WANT to be like them! Not to be confusing, I didn't want to be a caricature of part male, part female. I just never knew before that anything like transition was a reality. Told you I was naive. The best of both worlds in my opinion. I didn't want to be the dominant woman, but I desired to be like them - on my own terms.
So it was like a validation of long held feelings. It's still taken me a number of years to progress to where I am today. For a variety of reasons. And I've gone through the binge on clothes, etc, etc., throwing them away and buying again all over.
I feel like I'm in a good place today
I knew for a long time that I was not a typical "boy" if you will. I wanted to be with the girls but for a long time I couldn't
understand why they didn't like me and thought I was weird and I had nothing in common with the boys. The girls always got to do the fun stuff and I wondered why I had to do that boy stuff that I didn't like doing. The reality would hit in high school when everyone else was going through puberty and I was seeing all these guys change and I was like I don't go through that. (I think the worst one was when they had doing wrestling and one of the guys had a full beard and was very hairy and very sweaty) It was like EEEEEWWWWWWW please not me I don't want to look like that. (I wanted to be soft and squishy in all the right places. (Thankfully I went through puberty very late and I never bulked up or had a lot of body hair and a very low sex drive)
I would have dreams about a mad scientist doing experiments and he would do entire transplants and I would be fine with that. Or the Doctor Who type of regeneration.
The reason it took so long to accept it though is a whole other matter. Because I was raised up in Lutheran school I was taught it was wrong. I was taught we had to overcome it by prayer and picking up ones cross. I buried it and fought it for years till I couldn't do it anymore. I tried to do the manly stuff but I just couldn't do it. (I was so bad at it
that most people had me clocked within minutes of meeting me.) It six solid months of working through some issues through both prayer and counseling first before all that was left was I was and there was nothing wrong with me other then I have this body that feels like I am wearing a costume that I can never take off. Once I was able to accept the fact that I was and there was nothing wrong with it, it gave me the peace I needed to go from there.
Nearly 7 years ago. My best friend - who isn't in my life anymore now because they're a beeping beep - had written a little story about me and my crush at the time. They'd described me as having a flat chest - and it all just clicked. I knew right then that's who I really am: a man. (didn't mean to have that sound like a song so much)
Before that, I strangely had the notion I was a woman with a penis? The thing is, I could actually feel my penis, and I was very much into Glee fanfiction at the time which had a large portion of futanari fics. In hindsight, it's pretty hilarious that I could feel my penis and still didn't think to myself hey, maybe this means I'm a guy. Especially if I look at all the clues in my childhood.
Three horrible moments, filled with degrees of realisation, stand out as defining. Each time, I was fully aware of what and why my reaction was as it was.
Watching a documentary as a kid, and a trans woman was walking along a beach in stilettos. Obviously she was having difficulty as anyone would walking in them across a beach, and it detracted from the story she was telling. Everyone laughed (not at her being trans, I remember that being discussed sympathetically) including me, because it did look ridiculous. But I had a tough time sleeping that night. Got over it.
Being maybe 10. Boys and girls told we would be divided after lunch. Girls scheduled for a period talk with a nurse. Boys told to mind their own business and given an extra hour immediately after lunch to play football. That was very traumatic, the first time I'd ever felt excluded from my friends, and a very aimless hour in the playground, having as much of an existential crisis as a 10 year old can. Some of the boys I was friends with, and happily played with in mixed groups, but I wandered around on my own instead feeling completely excluded from something. Sort of got over it.
Watching a soap opera as a teenager where a storyline was introduced. A woman told a man she was born a boy. It was like a car crash happened in my mind. I felt physically sick, was seriously depressed for the rest of the year, bargained with myself that if I could get to 20, then I could get to 30' etc. Fell out with a good friend who never spoke to me again because I just completely ignored her from that point on, and got horrific exam results. Never really got over it because the depression was so deep, and most frighteningly it was induced in an instant. I longed for it to be 1997 again, because it was the year before, and it was a great year. For that reason 1997 remains glorious. My final 'free' year that didn't involve any of this >-bleeped-< in an ongoing way.
I first posted on this forum 3 years ago that was when I accepted myself. However to this present day I still live my life as my birth gender. Its only very recently I've started dressing up when my family leave the house. I feel alot more like my real self when im wearing the right clothes that match my true identity.