For all my life I knew I was different. I was never completely miserable born AMAB, but had secretly wished I were female. I remember feeling this way since preschool. Seldom did I think about gender growing up, but the thoughts were there. When I "discovered my body" I always fantasized that I was female. This continued well into my adult years. Later on, long after I had grown up and moved out of Mom & Dad's and on my own, I began crossdressing occasionally. Sometimes the desires to dress were frequent and sometimes not. Several times I purged my clothing, vowing to be a man and never dress again. This sometimes worked for short periods of time and sometimes long enough for me to believe that the feelings were gone for good. Of course, no matter how long the feelings were gone, they always came back eventually. Sometimes I would look at women out of sexual desire and sometimes I would admire them in jealousy for the bodies they had but I didn't. Still, I didn't consider myself transgender. As far as I knew, I was a heterosexual cisgender male. Despite my feminine feelings, I usually felt like a man unless my female feelings were upon me.
However, in the last few months my feminine feelings exploded. Now I dress fulltime at home (I still live alone, so dressing at home is easy). I still present as male outside the house, but at home I'm Danielle all the way. And even when I am presenting as male, I deep down want to be my true self, though I also work to maintain my manliness in male mode.
It was this sudden explosion of femininity that made me realize that I was more than just a crossdresser.
So my question is why do these feelings get stronger with age? I know they do, since so many transgender people stated that their gender issues were not severe until they were well up there in age. What are your thoughts?
Danielle
Hi Danielle Kristina,
My unscientific theory is that with age cis women tend toward the masculine especially at menopause. Men tend towards the feminine at the same age. I think for a lot of us mental will + natural androgens keep our femininity suppressed. When cracks appear in the dam wall the whole thing tends to collapse. Mental will can be more exhausting at middle age as well.
I think your question is a good one. I know there is much more to it as well.
Yours truly, Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
I think it might be to do with the simple fact that our lives have limits. After a while they end, I remember ignoring how I felt, but as every year flew buy so fast I remember the panic of thinking I was wasting more time.
I gave up on hiding and since being out for a half of a year and hormones for too, I can honestly say now I am truly alive, I never realised the sort of half life I was living till now that I'm living it fully.
If you are trans truly, you have to do something about it! 💖
Quote from: Rachel_Christina on July 18, 2018, 04:21:03 AM
I think it might be to do with the simple fact that our lives have limits. After a while they end, I remember ignoring how I felt, but as every year flew buy so fast I remember the panic of thinking I was wasting more time.
I gave up on hiding and since being out for a half of a year and hormones for too, I can honestly say now I am truly alive, I never realised the sort of half life I was living till now that I'm living it fully.
If you are trans truly, you have to do something about it! 💖
This.
Knowing in your bones that time is slipping away is powerful motivation.
Or as the pop song says:
When did the choices get so hard
With so much more at stake
Life gets mighty precious
When there's less of it to waste
Also Danielle Kristina -how about this. Like you as a child onwards my sweetest daydream was to be a girl. My ultimate private fantasy was to somehow be physically and socially female. Through life I could stay on top of this desire or ignore the thoughts if necessary - until age 46 when the issue became relentless. I couldn't shake the desire to be female like I normally could. Initially I thought I might have low testosterone so I took testosterone gel via prescription. Funilly this put my predicament into overdrive and made me feel more uneasy and edgy. I dropped the medication and went to see a psychiatrist. This led to a couple of psychologists and onto estrogen HRT & rapid relief. I got on top of the issues.
The question of gender unease becoming stronger with age is a good one. I know extra androgens doesn't help. Female hormones actually reduce the intensity somehow.
I would love to hear what you find out.
Kindest regards, Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
I think Rachel Christina has the right answer: everyone has a limit. The frustrations build up over the years, and eventually we just can't take it any more. It is the straw that breaks the camel's back: there's no telling which straw will do it, but sooner or later one of them will.
Our false self just gets tired of pretending. I do tech work for a community theatre company, and I was asked if I would like to be on stage some time. My answer was, "No thanks. I have been acting for 60 years, and I am done with it."
At the same time, out true self sees the clock ticking our lives away and starts to worry that they may never get their chance to be. So the true self starts to insist.
Quote from: Danielle Kristina on July 18, 2018, 01:54:25 AM
For all my life I knew I was different. I was never completely miserable born AMAB, but had secretly wished I were female. I remember feeling this way since preschool. Seldom did I think about gender growing up, but the thoughts were there. When I "discovered my body" I always fantasized that I was female. This continued well into my adult years. Later on, long after I had grown up and moved out of Mom & Dad's and on my own, I began crossdressing occasionally. Sometimes the desires to dress were frequent and sometimes not. Several times I purged my clothing, vowing to be a man and never dress again. This sometimes worked for short periods of time and sometimes long enough for me to believe that the feelings were gone for good. Of course, no matter how long the feelings were gone, they always came back eventually. Sometimes I would look at women out of sexual desire and sometimes I would admire them in jealousy for the bodies they had but I didn't. Still, I didn't consider myself transgender. As far as I knew, I was a heterosexual cisgender male. Despite my feminine feelings, I usually felt like a man unless my female feelings were upon me.
However, in the last few months my feminine feelings exploded. Now I dress fulltime at home (I still live alone, so dressing at home is easy). I still present as male outside the house, but at home I'm Danielle all the way. And even when I am presenting as male, I deep down want to be my true self, though I also work to maintain my manliness in male mode.
It was this sudden explosion of femininity that made me realize that I was more than just a crossdresser.
So my question is why do these feelings get stronger with age? I know they do, since so many transgender people stated that their gender issues were not severe until they were well up there in age. What are your thoughts?
Danielle
Hi Danielle
Apparently a lot of us share a similar past.
With a few minor changes, this is my story also.
Maybe after we figure out the big why, as in why does this happen in the first place, someone will figure out the why now. My wife especially would like to know that and I have no answer.
Best I got is that it's been called the trans beast, and the beast has finally escaped its cage. Still doesn't say why. I kept it locked up or at least restrained until I was 54.
I had also thought that maybe it was a low testosterone thing that was weakening my resistance to the beast, so I had that tested. Even though that came back normal for a male my age, I later tried herbal supplements. Funny the problem turned out not be be to little testosterone but way too much.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
I look at it as a mental repetitive stress injury. It's like being an actor in a long running play with multiple performances a day of a character that's not you and/or you don't like very much. After thousands of performances, we begin to hate it and there comes a point where some of can't take it. Another analogy would be a psychological yip. Look up yip. You've done it 10,000 times and all of a sudden you can't do it anymore.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on July 18, 2018, 03:51:54 AM
Hi Danielle Kristina,
My unscientific theory is that with age cis women tend toward the masculine especially at menopause. Men tend towards the feminine at the same age. I think for a lot of us mental will + natural androgens keep our femininity suppressed. When cracks appear in the dam wall the whole thing tends to collapse. Mental will can be more exhausting at middle age as well.
I think your question is a good one. I know there is much more to it as well.
Yours truly, Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
I thought the same thing, but I went on t once for ED and my t went from 134 to 910. It didn't suppress the dysphoria, but I was older, as this was a couple years ago. Losing a
>-bleeped-< ton of weight fixed the ED without needing t though. Ymmv.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
I agree with the posters before this. I would add one thought. I think when we are younger, the world is more full of possible outcomes. An appealing possible outcome in our heads is that we can beat being trans or fight it off. Now the thought of completely dismantling our lives to do something like transition doesn't go with living a life as a person everyone expects you to be. There is powerful motivation for a trans person to stick with the thought that the beast can be managed (for some, it can). One day, for whatever reason it is sparked, we can come to the conclusion that we must move off of the status quo. I was so tired of the cycle of fighting it off, burying my head in some project, that I wanted to put my head through a wall. I was naive in thinking I could just do one thing and that would tide me over. Not speaking for anyone else here, but once I popped the cork of that bottle and let out the possible thought of becoming me, Monica, well, it became an unstoppable freight train of needing progress toward that goal. If for some reason, I had to go back, my life would essentially be over.
Hello everyone
This is a very interesting debate and I agree with all responses also.
My two main feelings are:
1. Only relevantly recently (since around 2000) has the Transgender subject been in the public domain and although we knew for many years without necessarily knowing the term (I wished to be girl since age 4), very few if anyone close to us, would understand and that the matter had to be buried and suppressed repeatedly but the societal taboo still apparent is much less prevalent these days; gradually people are more accepting. This subconsciously means we need no longer to fight the beast and release the true girl within us step by step into full acceptance to transition.
2. We fight the beast so long and eventually there comes a time - unintended and perhaps subconcious at first - that we become fatigued and disillusioned as the fighting is gaining nothing. We are still losing, the dam is burst and hence we have to take action as we otherwise would remain deeply unhappy and perhaps never recover from the misery. Basically the dominance of transgender wins the inner war.
Hugs to you all
Pamela
This is a topic my therapist and I have been discussing at length lately. I know for me one reason is because my mind is more relaxed. I'm very goal orientated and I have to have something to achieve, it's not so much the goal that kept me focus as it was the chase of the goal. I have achieved every goal in life I set for myself and I have nothing left to accomplish. There is nothing more male version can do or has left to accomplish. For the first time in my life I have reached a placed where I can relax and think about what I really want and I am to focus on my true feelings. Being in that state has made what I have felt even strong and real me is now screaming to get out and that it is finally her time. This is just one reason, the other reason is that like a few people have said before hormones start to change at a certain age and you become even more aware of your true feelings.
V/R
April
You have all given some powerful responses! Incan definitely see the frustration of living a lie or pretending for so long that one cannot take it anymore. I'm a way, that's how it was for me too. Shortly before I started dressing full time at home, I was attempting to purge my clothes. As I saw them lying in the garbage can I just couldn't bear to let them go. I didn't wear them, but couldn't stand the thought of throwing them away. So I rescued them from my sense of manly denial. Shortly after that, Danielle came back stronger than ever! It's as if she said, "So you're trying to get rid of me, huh? Well now you're stuck with me full time!" Since then she's been a daily part of my life.
I found myself tired of trying to get rid of a part of myself that is not going away no matter how hard I try to get rid of it. I grew tired of fighting a losing battle, almost like I were fighting a forest fire with a squirt gun. I sought gender therapy and my therapist helped me see that I'm transgender. It took a few sessions, but I came to terms with it and I don't condemn myself anymore. I know now that I'm trans and that's ok, and that's also why I've felt the way I have since as far back as I can remember. I also know that as a trans woman I just can't run away from who inreally am anymore.
Danielle
I would say because finding the source of misery or disconnection like this is a process of elimination. When you've tried many things to be happy and waited long enough, and yet still not found any other answers to the problem, you come to accept the inevitable truth. And when you do that, it can intensify - there are no hopeful distractions left.
(Speaking as a transsexual that is. I'm not sure of the situations for cross-dressing/dressers).
I've wanted to be male for as far back as I can remember. I thought "oh well, I guess I'm stuck with this female body." I also thought I was the only one that felt like they "had been born in the wrong body."
I didn't know not only there was a name for what I am, but that there was something I could do about it. I found out otherwise four years ago.
Now, I'm transitioning, and completely happy that there IS something I can do about being born in the wrong body! So I suppose for me, its simply a fact of "my being ignorant of the fact that I can transition" that prevented me from doing so.
I know, I'm probably the exception to the rule. :embarrassed:
Ryuichi
Quote from: Ryuichi13 on July 18, 2018, 03:07:07 PM
I've wanted to be male for as far back as I can remember. I thought "oh well, I guess I'm stuck with this female body." I also thought I was the only one that felt like they "had been born in the wrong body."
I didn't know not only there was a name for what I am, but that there was something I could do about it. I found out otherwise four years ago.
Now, I'm transitioning, and completely happy that there IS something I can do about being born in the wrong body! So I suppose for me, its simply a fact of "my being ignorant of the fact that I can transition" that prevented me from doing so.
I know, I'm probably the exception to the rule. :embarrassed:
Ryuichi
I too didn't know why I felt the way I did throughout my life. I felt ashamed and as if I were the only one who felt I was in the wrong body. I tried denying my feelings all my life, pretending I didn't have them or shaming myself for having them. I finally came to realize that these feelings are just as much a part of me as any other trait and I have nothing to be ashamed of. For the first time in my life I feel ok about it. I no longer condemn myself for being who I am.
Quote from: Danielle Kristina on July 18, 2018, 04:02:18 PM
I too didn't know why I felt the way I did throughout my life. I felt ashamed and as if I were the only one who felt I was in the wrong body. I tried denying my feelings all my life, pretending I didn't have them or shaming myself for having them. I finally came to realize that these feelings are just as much a part of me as any other trait and I have nothing to be ashamed of. For the first time in my life I feel ok about it. I no longer condemn myself for being who I am.
I went as close to being male as I could, which actually ended up becoming androgynous for most of my adult life. I'm still a jeans, t-shirts and converses kinda guy, but when I was pretending to be female, I dealt with that as much as I felt comfortable with. I'd wear dresses with combat boots, mens' leather pants with a girly-cut black t-shirt with bat wings on the back, and the like. It helped being Goth when I dressed up. ;)
The last time I actually wore a dress and heels, it was to my brother's wedding six or seven years ago.
Now, I have a couple of nice suits given to me that need to be tailored to fit. No more dresses and heels, EVER.
I think one of my my biggest fears as I grow older is being buried as female. I don't think that'll happen now.
Ryuichi
When I was 11ish I knew what I needed to do. I was different, I didn't fit in. This was 1985 and the knowledge wasn't out there. As I grew older my fantasies always revolved around being a women. Didn't matter who I was with - Man or Woman. At 18 I thought maybe I'm just gay. That worked... sort of. Then I went to South Korea where not meeting the expectations of society carries a high price. I got married to a woman but I always felt jealous of woman simply because they got the right body and I did not. These feelings were held at bay by obsessive hobbies and crazy amounts of exercise for 14 years.
The one day the dam broke and I was staring at the blade of a knife mm away from ending my own life. This was shocking! I'm a glass half full person how could it have come to this? Then I realized that what I'd been doing for 32 years was running away from myself. You can't run away from yourself no matter how hard you try. I felt like there were two people inside at war with each other. I had conversations with myself in a little mental 'meeting room' I constructed. I thought I was going crazy.
But I wasn't I had built a social construct personality over the years to show the world but it wasn't me. I had never been me and that day looking at the knife I knew what I had two choices. To step off the world right now and get on with dying, or get on with living. I went to the local clinic the next day, arranged for informed consent and the next day I started to live full time a woman and who cares what people think. I have never looked back.
I've never been happier, more confident, more socially adjusted, Healthier, but more importantly - I LIKE BEING ME. This has had a high cost. I've lost my wife, will prob lose 20 years of accumulated stuff (house etc) and it makes my job harder. I still don't care. You get one life and I don't intend to go out with 'I wish hads...'
Dysphoria I would liken to a kind of stress. The longer you stay stressed out, the worse it effects you
Quote from: Ryuichi13 on July 18, 2018, 04:29:49 PM
I think one of my my biggest fears as I grow older is being buried as female.
Oh my.
This thread touches on my two deepest fears in my life, and why I have done more to transition in the past 2 years than in the 59 before them.
My two biggest fears in my life today are:
-- Dying alone
-- Dying as a man
Unfortunately for me, the more I move towards fixing the second one, the more I make the first one a reality.
I cannot even think about this issue without crying...
Kate
From personal experience, I would have to say the internal feelings that once you get older, youre less likely to pass (That of which is true and not true for some MtF's and FtM's) hits you worse the longer you put off transitioning, when I turned 18, I felt like i was losing time and was putting off the inevitable. Im 21 now and have been on HRT for about 8 monthes, and I feel as if my life is finally turning around!
Quote from: Sleepykitty123 on July 18, 2018, 11:35:00 PM
From personal experience, I would have to say the internal feelings that once you get older, youre less likely to pass (That of which is true and not true for some MtF's and FtM's) hits you worse the longer you put off transitioning, when I turned 18, I felt like i was losing time and was putting off the inevitable. Im 21 now and have been on HRT for about 8 monthes, and I feel as if my life is finally turning around!
I'm 37 and just beginning to transition. I have seen others on here much older than myself who started well past 37 and they look beautiful! Speaking for myself, I never wanted to be trans and I looked for any way possible not to be. I finally got to the point where I could no longer ignore my feminine feelings. I haven't started HRT yet, but during my last therapy session my therapist and I discussed it and she is preparing the letter necessary to make that happen. I'm excited about taking HRT and I can't wait! Still, even without hormones it feels great becoming more and more like myself. So far I've taken little steps such as ear piercings, peeing sitting down, women's deodorant, hair conditioner, and a few other little accessories. None of these are big changes, but I'm more feminine than I was before I accepted myself as trans.
That's interesting Danielle. When I started therapy I was hoping to have a condition that was easy to fix and easy to put to bed. After much discussion in therapy & finding out what it wasn't- it turned out I was trans and had to find a way of dealing with it. I asked a very experienced doctor with many
transitions behind them-" what do people with my profile do?"
Answer- " They normally transition in the end."
That terrified me at the time but after a while I have come to terms with it.
To be honest I would love to transition at some point. At the moment I'm getting all the ducks in a row.
Must go now. Looking forward to see how your transition goes. Wishing you the best.
Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
We were all born as males and raised as a male with all their mental hangups. Thus, to be girly was a no no and to think of being female was definitly a no no. Our penis was suppose to be our banner of pride. Even now, so many true males would rather die than lose their penis. So we grow up in the society of men, men do not talk about their feelings and especially any gender thoughts, so we remain ignorant Thus we begin our charade of life as a male.
For me I dreamed of being a female every night. My world was gay or straight, I was not gay, so I assumed I was a quarky male with fantasies. When I found out about tgs it was in the body trade and it was only later that I knew tgs could be normal working people.As a buddhist and Eurasian my family duties and responsibilities were very intense, in my maturing years. So, I lived each day to the best I could and became an exceptionally successful Alpha male, beautiful wives, great businessman and a world class athelete. On reflection, it seemed I had to prove to myself that indeed I was a male. Thus to excel in male values was essential.
Then as I aged into my late fifties, I began to feel the great urge to be female. So my responsibilities duties now complete and not willing to be at my deathbed and not living my life to the fullest I started this journey. An amazing journey that for me was also spiritual. I am at peace.
Good evening Warlockmaker,
It really reassures me and makes me feel glad that your journey brought you peace.
I have learnt a few things from your pieces as well.
All the best to you, Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Quote from: warlockmaker on July 19, 2018, 03:17:38 AM*snip*
We were all born as males and raised as a male
I WISH!
I'd gladly trade my vagina for a penis any day of the week! Even a four inch one would be fine! :)
I'm not at peace...yet. But its something I'm working towards. I'm happy finally being able to wit with my legs splayed without someone looking at me weird, or being able to finally grow a beard, even though its still currently sparse. Every day, I feel a little more masculine, a little more like how I should have been when I was born. Male.
One day at a time...one day at a time.
Ryuichi
Or for those mtf you were all born female you were raised as females with all their hangups. For me one aspect of peace means respecting others by understanding them. As former males or females we know how difficult our peers are in accepting change. It may not happen in our lifetime but it will change. I am happy that the next generation of tgs will have a more normal life because of us.
I gave my views at comment 10 which are similar to those of so many other respondents here. Definitely it hits with greater ferocity as we get older.
The pleasing result for society as a whole (and I accept society still has a long way to go to change and remove the taboo) is gradually trans people accept earlier in life before the GD reaches the point where the point where "the dam is burst" and hence transition earlier.
Likewise I am glad future generations of trans people will have a better life than us and with teenagers we are starting to witness that already!
Good fortune to all.
Pamela
Quote from: HappyMoni on July 18, 2018, 08:09:01 AM
.I would add one thought. I think when we are younger, the world is more full of possible outcomes. An appealing possible outcome in our heads is that we can beat being trans or fight it off. Not speaking for anyone else here, but once I popped the cork of that bottle and let out the possible thought of becoming me, Monica, well, it became an unstoppable freight train of needing progress toward that goal. If for some reason, I had to go back, my life would essentially be over.
Don't know how many times that I tried to convince myself that I made my life choices and I could live without transitioning. I'm not saying that I regret those choices that previously pushed me away from transition, just that once I realized that I actually could transition even at 54 years old, I knew I had to and have not once ever thought that I was making a mistake or that I didn't need to do this.
You speak for me also about not being able to go back. No way I could do it and have no idea how if I'd survive if forced to.
Quote from: Gertrude on July 18, 2018, 08:04:13 AM
I look at it as a mental repetitive stress injury.
Another analogy would be a psychological yip. Look up yip. You've done it 10,000 times and all of a sudden you can't do it anymore.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
I like that repetitive stress injury analogy because its takes the what finally pushed you over the edge question out of it. It wasn't just the last drink that made you too drunk, it was all of them before that too.
And don't say yip when there are golfers around.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Quote from: TonyaW on July 20, 2018, 08:18:52 AM
Don't know how many times that I tried to convince myself that I made my life choices and I could live without transitioning. I'm not saying that I regret those choices that previously pushed me away from transition, just that once I realized that I actually could transition even at 54 years old, I knew I had to and have not once ever thought that I was making a mistake or that I didn't need to do this.
You speak for me also about not being able to go back. No way I could do it and have no idea how if I'd survive if forced to.
I like that repetitive stress injury analogy because its takes the what finally pushed you over the edge question out of it. It wasn't just the last drink that made you too drunk, it was all of them before that too.
And don't say yip when there are golfers around.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Yip applies to a lot of things. I've had it happen playing the drums. BTW, my dad was a greenskeeper. :)
Quote from: Danielle Kristina on July 18, 2018, 01:54:25 AM
So my question is why do these feelings get stronger with age?
Just a few reasons off the top of my head. I'm sure there are more.
1. You've done everything else you can think of to work out what the issue is, and nothing has come close to a resolution.
2. You've tried to go the other way and be as close to your birth gender as possible, and it's just made you more miserable.
3. People you've had to be responsible for / care about / were there to take your attention off yourself have gone and you're free to be alone with your own feelings.
4. You've reached a point in your life where other people can't tell you how to feel anymore, and how you should be living your life. You don't feel the need to fit in.
5. You have a sort of internal timer that keeps poking you in the brain and saying "You know you really should do something. I'm not going to go away and the more you try and ignore me, the more I'm going to bother you."
6. You're more aware and knowledgeable about what these feelings are, and what to do about them.
7. A lifetime of denial that these feelings exist just hasn't worked, and like holding it behind a dam... the cracks begin to show.
8. You feel like at an earlier time in your life, you had time to wait and see. But now that time is running out.
9. You're just tired of living a lie.
10. A mixture of 1-9. ;D
Quote from: Sephirah on July 20, 2018, 05:28:36 PM
Just a few reasons off the top of my head. I'm sure there are more.
1. You've done everything else you can think of to work out what the issue is, and nothing has come close to a resolution.
2. You've tried to go the other way and be as close to your birth gender as possible, and it's just made you more miserable.
3. People you've had to be responsible for / care about / were there to take your attention off yourself have gone and you're free to be alone with your own feelings.
4. You've reached a point in your life where other people can't tell you how to feel anymore, and how you should be living your life. You don't feel the need to fit in.
5. You have a sort of internal timer that keeps poking you in the brain and saying "You know you really should do something. I'm not going to go away and the more you try and ignore me, the more I'm going to bother you."
6. You're more aware and knowledgeable about what these feelings are, and what to do about them.
7. A lifetime of denial that these feelings exist just hasn't worked, and like holding it behind a dam... the cracks begin to show.
8. You feel like at an earlier time in your life, you had time to wait and see. But now that time is running out.
9. You're just tired of living a lie.
10. A mixture of 1-9. ;D
For me, I would say it is a 10 - a mixture of 1-9. 5, 6, and 7 are definitely the top three, with 5 being the strongest. I had attempted to purge just before my inner girl came bursting out. It's as if she said almost word for word on 5.
Danielle
I started process a few months ago, I'm 28 so not sure if my age group applies to this but so knew from a young age I felt off and something was wrong so naturally as a kid I did say something but at that time your hormonal/indecisive as you're just a kid so parents brush it aside like it's just a thing you think about then it'll go, it only intensified as I got older and in the end at 28 when no one could question my wanting to do this and it being just a "phase" I had to go for it, I have one life and I don't want to waste my life on putting on a male act for much longer than needed which is why I'm now on HRT stuck with an itchy right (developing) breast and reminding myself that in the end this is what I wanted XD I never originally thought in my 20s I'd be enduring puberty again but here I am doing it anyway, life's to short to not act on something like this.
For me , I think it was hormonal . I hit 45 last year and my sex drive went down ( much to my relief) . With that I felt my desire to be feminine getting stronger . Despite what I thought was a strict sexual desire , it became less so ..and more about letting a part of myself get out and flourish .
Quote from: Sephirah on July 20, 2018, 05:28:36 PM
Just a few reasons off the top of my head. I'm sure there are more.
1. You've done everything else you can think of to work out what the issue is, and nothing has come close to a resolution.
2. You've tried to go the other way and be as close to your birth gender as possible, and it's just made you more miserable.
3. People you've had to be responsible for / care about / were there to take your attention off yourself have gone and you're free to be alone with your own feelings.
4. You've reached a point in your life where other people can't tell you how to feel anymore, and how you should be living your life. You don't feel the need to fit in.
5. You have a sort of internal timer that keeps poking you in the brain and saying "You know you really should do something. I'm not going to go away and the more you try and ignore me, the more I'm going to bother you."
6. You're more aware and knowledgeable about what these feelings are, and what to do about them.
7. A lifetime of denial that these feelings exist just hasn't worked, and like holding it behind a dam... the cracks begin to show.
8. You feel like at an earlier time in your life, you had time to wait and see. But now that time is running out.
9. You're just tired of living a lie.
10. A mixture of 1-9. ;D
Quote from: Danielle Kristina on July 20, 2018, 05:55:53 PM
For me, I would say it is a 10 - a mixture of 1-9. 5, 6, and 7 are definitely the top three, with 5 being the strongest. I had attempted to purge just before my inner girl came bursting out. It's as if she said almost word for word on 5.
Danielle
Dear Sephirah and Danielle Kristina
We have corresponded on many other threads before but this really is an enthralling topic.
I agree all 9 apply to me also. The most significant ones for me are 5 and 6 followed by 3 and 7.
Hugs
Pamela
I can't explain it but it seems like frustration just gets bigger and bigger. And in my case, realizing I was close to 30 and the feelings were not going away, meant I had to do something about it and stop wasting my time.
Quote from: AprilJeane on July 18, 2018, 10:18:50 AM
This is a topic my therapist and I have been discussing at length lately. I know for me one reason is because my mind is more relaxed. I'm very goal orientated and I have to have something to achieve, it's not so much the goal that kept me focus as it was the chase of the goal. I have achieved every goal in life I set for myself and I have nothing left to accomplish. There is nothing more male version can do or has left to accomplish. For the first time in my life I have reached a placed where I can relax and think about what I really want and I am to focus on my true feelings. Being in that state has made what I have felt even strong and real me is now screaming to get out and that it is finally her time. This is just one reason, the other reason is that like a few people have said before hormones start to change at a certain age and you become even more aware of your true feelings.
V/R
April
This is so my story. As a young person I filled my bucket list with big goals - spouse, kids, career, etc. And, as my bucket list came to empty...blessed as a male and nothing more I could ask for... my questions about my gender and why I felt the way I did got louder and louder. And one day last August the dam broke wide open...
They say in mid life, you become more internally oriented / reflective, and that if you have any unresolved emotional or personality items they are certain to come out. No kidding.... When we say we don't chose this, it could not be more true. I love the real me, but I would much rather not to have to face this.
Hugs
Karen
I changed because I could no longer live angry. I could no longer pretend to be something I knew I was not. Actually I quit crossdressing for about 13 years. But then the desires came back even more prevalent than before.I knew this time it was more than crossdressing. I could no longer ignore it. I know I am coming to the climax of a very blessed life and I just could not imagine leaving the world as a lie. I want my life to mean something to others so I am hoping that by donating my body to research we can gain more clarity on how and why this affects us. Think of it as throwing a hand full of crap against the wall to see if anything sticks. My most profound wish is that the Julia's, Roll's, Maddie's, Archlord's and others can live their lives in peace and find some normalcy. I hope ignorance dies.
Thanks for sharing.
If I can ask, what was your final straw? Did you have family and career considerations? And if so, how did you handle those?
Thank you.
Karen
Good question Daniella!
I think that ultimately the fact that we are self-conscious and aware beings who are aware of our own mortality is the main reason why pressure builds in individuals the older they get. Some people handle it better than others though. For many though the pressure eventually breaks through and that's when crises begin, be that quarter-life, mid-life etc. It's a very strange experience knowing that you'll never do a particular thing, or that you'll never have the chance. When you're young (unless you've had a hopeless life from the start) there's this general, subconscious feeling of being able to do anything and having the time to do it. Life stretches out endlessly. it's only when you start to age that life starts to take on a definable measurement and then you begin to sense the time slipping away. Life is like a day - before 12pm/noon it stretches out infinitely. Then, afternoon comes and time feels shorter. And then evening arrives and it's the last chance before nightfall to do make a move.
I've certainly noticed a massive shift in my perception of myself and the world in the five years between being in my late twenties and early thirties. (which feels like it'd be around 3pm - 4pm on a clock). There's no longer a sense of indefinable time or of opportunity. There's instead an increasing sense of a grounded "well, this is me and this is what I was, and that's it. One day I won't be here and the world will go on". It can humble you and makes you realise that you aren't this unique being with the world being the stage for a drama revolving around you. Instead, you realise that you just exist in a massive machine you can't comprehend. And yet, at the same time, it can sharpen and refine the want and need to do things that you really must before it's too late. It can make you essentially strip back all of the jumble and noise of the endless possibility and opportunity of youth and force you to think about what you absolutely need and want as those endless opportunities and time thin out. It's both a horror and a liberation. What's the things you'd be devastated that you never got to do? Who is the person that you need to be in order to be at peace with getting older?
That's been my thought process in the past few years. Growing older and still having trans feelings means that while i've now lost the androgyny that would have made transitioning socially worthwhile, I also realise that i'll never be a square-jawed hunky male either. When I was younger I used to think that eventually I'd become a proper man and this trans issue would go away. But now that I'm past my physical prime and on the slide to middle-age, I don't have to worry about loosing out on being the proper young man family wanted me to be. That option has now gone. So it's quite simply now a question of - do I want to be middle-aged, bald, ugly and profoundly physical male locked into the social role that my appearance demands, or do I want to be middle-aged, slightly less ugly and with just enough femininity to pull off some of the appearance that I want and hopefully some closure to my feelings. It's a depressing outcome either way, but it's getting easier to make the decision. I wouldn't be risking a healthy 20-something body anymore if i transitioned, I'd be risking a 30+ body which will most likely start to initiate problems on its own soon anyway, regardless of if I transitioned or not.
Sometimes having choices removed for you by ageing process makes the process of deciding easier, even if it's not ultimately very rewarding as a result of this process.
I also agree with this, too!
QuoteMy unscientific theory is that with age cis women tend toward the masculine especially at menopause. Men tend towards the feminine at the same age. I think for a lot of us mental will + natural androgens keep our femininity suppressed. When cracks appear in the dam wall the whole thing tends to collapse. Mental will can be more exhausting at middle age as well.
When males and females get dumped by their hormones at andropause or menopause, it does seem to sometimes reveal feelings previously covered or controlled.
Quote from: Karen on July 23, 2018, 04:41:54 PM
Thanks for sharing.
If I can ask, what was your final straw? Did you have family and career considerations? And if so, how did you handle those?
Thank you.
Karen
I have family and career that have will be been hit hard by this. However, life was simply not worth living anymore and living a lie for the sake of stuff and others became unbearable.
Quote from: Karen on July 23, 2018, 04:41:54 PM
Thanks for sharing.
If I can ask, what was your final straw? Did you have family and career considerations? And if so, how did you handle those?
Thank you.
Karen
Was no final straw. That's why I liked Gertrude's repetitive stress injury analogy. No one big thing, but the accumulation of all the things over all the years. Family concerns certainly made me think transition wasn't possible for a long time.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
For me it was sudden. Until this sudden burst of feminine feelings I considered myself a crossdresser. I only dressed on occasions, whenever the urge hit. However, suddenly the desire to dress hit and then never dissipated. All of a sudden I didn't want to stop dressing and I found myself peeing sitting down with little conscious effort on my part. That wa.s when I finally realized that I was more than just a crossdresser and began exploring my gender identity. Today I know I'm transgender.
Quote from: Karen on July 23, 2018, 04:41:54 PM
Thanks for sharing.
If I can ask, what was your final straw? Did you have family and career considerations? And if so, how did you handle those?
Thank you.
Karen
My "final straw" was seeing a trans woman in real life delivering a public lecture. She wasn't "being trans". She was just being herself and doing what she does. And being accepted as such by a large audience. It dealt a significant blow to the fears that had kept me in denial for decades.
Quote from: Karen on July 23, 2018, 04:41:54 PM
Thanks for sharing.
If I can ask, what was your final straw? Did you have family and career considerations? And if so, how did you handle those?
Thank you.
Karen
My dysphoria increased A LOT after starting working out and getting manlier. I thought getting muscles would help me feel better as a man. And it did for a quick second and then all came crumbling down and I felt horribly about myself. And then I got serious suicidal thoughts...That was the tipping point. A week after those thoughts started I went to therapy and one year and a half later here I am living full time as a woman.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on July 24, 2018, 02:32:00 PM
My dysphoria increased A LOT after starting working out and getting manlier. I thought getting muscles would help me feel better as a man. And it did for a quick second and then all came crumbling down and I felt horribly about myself. And then I got serious suicidal thoughts...That was the tipping point. A week after those thoughts started I went to therapy and one year and a half later here I am living full time as a woman.
More power to you for living full time, I'm still only presenting every other weekend but in day to day life and work I present male still, I can't risk it in my head as I still feel there's to many masculine traits to be passable
Karen. I decided to go forward when I could no longer stand myself. I was having a breakdown and had gotten out of control. I realised to save my marriage I might have to do something that could destroy it. My wife knew she hadn't married a woman, but thankfully she did realise she married her best friend. Still a little friction, but we tell each other we love each other, far more than we used to.
Sent from my Moto G (5) Plus using Tapatalk
I think it's that the wearing-down is cumulative. It's like erosion, where dysphoria is the water running over the rocks. For many reasons, age increases the flow. Your physical form grows more untenably away from your identity, your life gets more entrenched in a role that feels wrong, more things remind you of your isolation and silent imprisonment behind the eyes of a growing construct. There is an impossible dynamic of getting weaker while the crushing forces grow stronger.
For me it was the disconnect from life itself. I spent years just letting life happen to me instead of experiencing and engaging with it. After cracks appeared over the years I would seal it up with more and more of what I perceived as "Masculinity", by the time it all came down I was an ugly ugly person. One insignificant stress too many and I found I couldn't do it anymore. All the BS was gone and there I was. Exposed, vulnerable, highly emotional, alone (because of the disconnection from life I had no real "Friends" to speak of), and for the first time in over 30 years I could see all of my life at once and saw a lot of holes...
I started plugging up the holes and simply couldn't deny it... It was waaaaaay too damn obvious for me at least. I only started to stabilize after admitting it, owning it, and being proud instead of ashamed for the first time in my life. Then came figuring out what to do. Still workin on that as we speak.
Quote from: TranSketch on July 24, 2018, 02:41:31 PM
More power to you for living full time, I'm still only presenting every other weekend but in day to day life and work I present male still, I can't risk it in my head as I still feel there's to many masculine traits to be passable
I understand how you feel. I waited for a year on HRT and some surgeries (breast augmentation and lipo) before I had the confidence to go full time. The funny thing is...I still get misgendered sometimes, so at this point passability is a goal but not an obstacle for me. There might be a point when you feel the same, if that happen then it's time to go full time!
Quote from: TonyaW on July 23, 2018, 11:01:00 PM
Was no final straw. That's why I liked Gertrude's repetitive stress injury analogy. No one big thing, but the accumulation of all the things over all the years. Family concerns certainly made me think transition wasn't possible for a long time.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Re family, same here
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
I find it interesting how many viewpoints there are on why this happens to us. For me, it took therapy to sort out my feelings and identify what was going on. Like so many have said already it wasn't one thing but an accumulation of things. That's pretty much what my therapist said when she diagnosed me as being transgender. Before I could even admit to being trans she said "the prof is in the pudding," and stated that I was more than just a cross dresser. While I may not have dysphoria as severely as others, I'm very much transgender whether I want to be or not. My inner girl is here to stay.