Surely I'm not the only one? Where do your SOs go for support? Or are they all just amazingly supportive and accepting? I'm floundering here and have no one to talk to! Help!
You think we'd be flooded, right? I'm not sure everyone here would want their SO reading all their posts, though. Probably time to lay down the disclaimer that I'm lifetime single and my marriage and relationship advice shouldn't be taken seriously......yet I'm always the first to show up and offer advice! :laugh:
My name is Devlyn. I'm on the entertainment committee.
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi Dev. I know my SO isn't on here - he's not a forum type! And yes, you've been great so far, much appreciated!
Maybe I can help. But you've been warned about my services! >:-)
What's going on?
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Sylvia on September 17, 2017, 03:59:13 PM
Surely I'm not the only one? Where do your SOs go for support? Or are they all just amazingly supportive and accepting? I'm floundering here and have no one to talk to! Help!
My wife has an account and she is not amazingly supportive and accepting. Don't think she has ever posted, but I think it would be great if she would talk to others in similar situation. Hopefully she'll see this and take you up on it.
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They probably go to Helen Boyd's (AKA Gail Kramer). Forum for SOs. Helen's a trip.
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Most SO's hang around here for a few months and then either divorce or find a way to live with their spouse. We see very few people here who are supporting a transitioning child. On the other hand, most of those who transition are here for a minimum of two years and normally more than that. In some cases people who transitioned a long time ago are here to talk about things that they can't talk about in their current life. We would love to have more SO members and we do our best to make them feel comfortable however we are unable to make them stay when they have what they are after.
hi there . i'm bethanyz. a cis female with a MTF girlfriend. i tend to read and lurk more than i post. the truth is, i find it hard to respond to most of the posts i read because i feel guilty that i have such a normal existence with my relationship. most of the topics that come up are ones that i'm completely clueless to contribute to. i'm always willing to try though!
My SO joined a local support group. We talked about her joining Susan's too but she hesitated. I suggested a different forum too which she did not join since she thought I am a member there (I am not since I know she needs her own space)
We also have a few friends she knows she can talk to.
She is mostly trying to deal with it on her own. Not easy and I hope we have finally found a good therapist for her...
Thanks for the replies. Bethanyz, don't feel guilty, I am in awe! I'm finding it so hard, and I think I am currently in the 'denial' stage ie 'maybe he's not really TG, maybe it's other issues'. Clutching at straws probably. Gertrude, where do I find this site that you mention?
S
We are probably awkwardly wandering around trying to figure out where we fit in. We have become outcasts in the CIS world, but we are not part of the trans world. We are now neither gay, lesbian NOR straight. We don't feel normal, but at the same time we don't feel like there is anything out of the ordinary with ourselves. We haven't changed, but we need all new identities. Our spouses are at places like this because they are at the stage of their journey where they want to share and they want a community, so they are usually way more vocal. I sent yo a PM. You can write back when you get enough posts :)
Hi Gallinarosa, I have tried to reply to your pm, but am not able to yet.
You've said it all in a nutshell.
S
Quote from: Sylvia on September 18, 2017, 11:26:07 AM
Hi Gallinarosa, I have tried to reply to your pm, but am not able to yet.
You've said it all in a nutshell.
S
There is one of the problems. At 15 posts, you will be able to PM. In addition, I have see members take the conversation to PM, email or face book thus the conversation ends here and moves elsewhere. In some ways we become a place for initial contact but not real discussion.
My hubby rarely comes on here. He complained that most of the SOs are wives of MTFs, and he has nothing to talk about. It's difficult to get him to share with this community as long as he believes nothing he would share would be relevant to anybody.
I know my SO is a member and reads quite a few of the posts, She doesn't tent to reply tho.. in fact I'm not sure but I don't think she has ever posted.. I know reading other people's experiences helped her in the beginning of my transition.
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@ sylvia, relationships are complicated. good relationships take work, things like unconditional love, compatibility, and communication are very often taken for granted or discounted. i work hard in my relationships. sometimes too hard. it's challenging to find the balance. i have a tendency to be clingy. it's definitely work to keep myself in check sometimes. but it's drama free for the most part.
my girlfriend is a very independent, smart and beautiful woman. the bones of the relationship are easy because we respect each others boundaries, wants, needs and we try to be thoughtful with each other. it's so easy to be supportive when you love and want the best for your partner(s).
i don't think you are still in the "denial" stage. honestly, i think you're past that now and in the "what the hell do i do now?" stage. everything is changing, your partner is changing. and you're questioning whether or not you can be in a relationship that doesn't fit in societies definitions. no one can answer that but you. but know that you aren't alone.
Hi Sylvia, I too am a SO and there is wisdom in the posts that are tracking on this thread but it sounds like you are at that stage where your question is "who am I and how do I fit in this relationship I find myself in?" Only you can answer that question. What each of us have in common with our spouses is that we all have different motives on why we are in a relationship and how we see who we are. For me, I had the luxury of walking hand in hand with my spouse as she transitioned from the first moment she figured out that she was transgender to this moment where we are sitting in a motel room and she is healing from gender surgery. As she worked through her gender identity issues so did I. Both her issues and my own. Most of the promises we made to each other along the way we have both did 180 degree changes of heart on. I think what has kept us together is communication and sometimes that communication was hard because we did not always know what we thought about what we actually believed. Being truthful with your spouse is essential to making any relationship work. If you feel like your spouse is way ahead of you in the transitioning process (and believe me when I say that you need to "transition" also) please try to get into a good conversation about you needing to work through who you are in the relationship. Early on we both identified what we felt was critical to make our relationship work and as we have changed in our attitudes we continue to readdress that. It's a starting point. Hopefully you can work with this. If I have misread where your at and what you are looking for is answers to questions like: Does this make me a lesbian? or What do I do when someone outs my spouse? or the question everyone asks me, How are YOU doing? (as if I couldn't possibly be happy with the situation) then just post your questions and I'm sure that someone out here has an answer.
When you get to 15 posts (and me too) you can send me a personal message, but if you are up to it, it might be good to keep it live so more folks can chime in and we all can grow together.
Debi anther SO
Hi Sylvia!
My spouse told me he is trans a few months ago. When I googled support groups, another forum came up for me and I've been posting there. This website only came to my radar from other SOs at the forum I visit. I haven't really tried out more forums--I posted a little on >-bleeped-<, but I don't visit that site frequently.
Mostly I feel comfortable speaking with other SO without trans spouses present because what we are going through isn't pretty. I would hate for my negative feelings to negatively impact a trans person.
But that said, if it is helpful, I will try to swing by here more! We are a small club! *hugs*
While their spouses are all here trying to work through their feelings during this difficult transition, many of their spouses are on < site reference not allowed TOS 1 >. I doubt their spouses would recognize own there. There are virtually no actual trans folks there to give their conversation prospective. I worry about the way couples are splitting their support options and the fact that the split seems not to be conducive to supporting the trans spouse.
<Edited by Moderator>
Well I recognise the way you can't spell perspective so I think I know who you are 'over there'! I think the whole point of that forum, and to a certain extent, this sub forum is that it's a place for partners. A place to vent, share, compare, advise and comfort. Somewhere where we can feel free to express our feelings (some of which may not be pretty) without anyone jumping down our throats with the 'if you really loved your spouse you would be supportive' argument, which I've heard so many times.
I hope the point of your post isn't specifically to try and get trans folk from here to go over there? If so, that isn't really fair.
It might be difficult to recognize me on that site, since I never did bother to post there, so I am not sure where you are going with that comment. I think it strange that many of the spouses who post there accuse their partners of being dishonest with them, yet they prefer to cluster around each other there saying breathtakingly disrespectful things about their spouses and complain about how they can't tell their transitioning spouses how they feel. As someone currently supporting a transitioning spouse, I find that kind of deceit difficult to overlook.
So, it looks like overnight someone went over to that forum and decided to write on every post, telling all the spouses about how they are "doing it wrong." For some reason, I can't log into the forum and I'm kinda freaking out here. I'm really pissed that someone is destroying our safe space.
So, you know, once I can log back in, I'm going to set up something more private because apparently people just can't handle injecting themselves into it.
Years ago, as a young feminist activist, I had advocated for others to "educate." I was reminded that trans people don't have to sacrifice their feelings for my education. So, to this day, I am a firm advocate that my education does NOT require hurting others. So, it really pisses me off when others don't have the same consideration.
I've been struggling with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts since I found about my spouse. It hasn't been pretty. But the last thing I need right now is someone who has no idea what I'm going through to tell me that I don't matter.
My wife has made an account here, but has never posted and I doubt browses much. Honestly, it's likely because she is too busy with work, kids, life, and hobbies. She is a mamabear and loves to be supportive, but just drawn in too many directions right now. Someday I am sure she will get active.
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I don't know anything about all that. What I do know is trying to talk to my spouse and therapist makes more sense than going off somewhere to be resentful. Hells bells, I can be resentful right where I am for all the help it is. I need to stay positive right now more than ever.
We are a place of support. Please leave the problems of other sites on those sites.
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Sylvia on September 17, 2017, 03:59:13 PM
Surely I'm not the only one? Where do your SOs go for support? Or are they all just amazingly supportive and accepting? I'm floundering here and have no one to talk to! Help!
HI There,
I have been on and off here for nearly 2 years! I really cannot be of much help anymore, and I haven't had a chance to read your full story. I also had a MTF partner, we eventually split, I guess the reason I still come on here occasionally is I often wonder how she/he is doing, I still care deeply. All I can say, is take your time to understand, either way of whatever road you take, do what is best for you, whilst still caring and understanding. x
Hi Cora and Echo.
I see you both are new here. I'm Laurie. Please let me say, Welcome To Susan's Place! Come on in and take a good look around. Perhaps I can even get you to hop on over to the
Introductions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) Thread and create a post to tell us a little bit more about yourself so we can get to know you a little better and greet you properly.
Also I'll add some links and information below that can help you get more out of our site. Please take time to become familiar with them especially the RED one as we are always getting questions that are answered there.
Laurie
Global Moderator
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Thanks Laurie, will do. :)
I have been off for a bit getting my life in order and personally dealing with all the changes Eli is going through....My partner and I have been together and raised 3 kids for over 12 years now and just been figuring out their gender the last or 2 1/2. Can't say I didn't have a clue, because I really did. I just thought it was nothing and I could deal alone because I was supportive and loved my SO so what is the problem? Actually I have found out the feelings I initially thought were put to rest are resurfacing in the face of upcoming pre surgery consult for top surgery. I find myself sad, angry and traumatized all over again and this was all worked through two years ago. Eli just finally has gotten tired of binders every day to feel normal, I have gotten tired of washing them all the time, and we both decided that it was just time...so what's the problem? I really don't know. I guess it is normal to feel this way at every once in a while but who knows?
There's barely any safe spaces for partners to post and vent without a well-meaning trans person or ally to come in and tell us how the trans person is going through so much more. As if we don't feel bad enough that we're having a hard time coping, and having thoughts that would probably be labelled as transphobic and hateful. I just feel that us partners are often shoved to the side and expected to be 100% supportive 100% of the time, or leave, both of which are terrible.
Quote from: yellow submarine on November 25, 2017, 03:44:59 PM
There's barely any safe spaces for partners to post and vent without a well-meaning trans person or ally to come in and tell us how the trans person is going through so much more. As if we don't feel bad enough that we're having a hard time coping, and having thoughts that would probably be labelled as transphobic and hateful. I just feel that us partners are often shoved to the side and expected to be 100% supportive 100% of the time, or leave, both of which are terrible.
We do need a safe place to vent though, it keeps US sane and ABLE to support our partners if we have a place that understands us. I can't even begin to tell others how many days I cried and still do at times. On the way to and from work, or even before bedtime.
Ignore the 'We have it harder' crowd. no one has it easier, it's just a different battle.
I try not to respond to SO postings but I want to read any that are posted. If there is a direct question that no one answered before me, I might consider it. I am fully aware of the two-way street and the pressure that I've put on my wife. I try very hard to consider her in each thing I do.
Here's one thing. Pierced ears. I'd love to get them, she doesn't want me to, so I don't. That may seem like a simple petty thing but they all add up. I've seen couples get divorced over petty things while they fight through and come together over the big stuff - human nature I guess.
I wish more SO's would post their thoughts and trials, it helps me keep a grip on what my wife may have running through her head. Yes, while my wife and I try to keep an open dialog, sometimes you have a running thought pattern that doesn't fit into a conversation without sounding hateful or wrong. The thoughts are there, they need to be addressed on both sides.
tears will flow, there's no way around that.
Thanks for your thoughts, Faith, I have been following your posts actually - as I do with a lot of people on here who have partners who support them, I am awe of them.
Tears certainly have flowed, on both sides.
Re the pierced ears, he has had one ear stud ever since he was about 20! He got both ears done a couple of years ago (he didn't tell me, but I didn't mind). Last Christmas I bought him a couple of pairs of stud earrings.
The little things actually don't worry me, even the all over body shaving, as I know that a lot of cis guys do those too, as well as grooming products/make up etc. I do cringe a bit when I see the breast forms though, although I try not to show it.
But things like going on HRT - that is the big one which I just can't reconcile with at all. Luckily, that has been put on hold (possibly forever) for now, while we work through where he is now.
Would love to see more SOs posting here though.
Syl
Hi,
I just want to remind everyone of the intent of this forum:
QuoteSignificant Others talk
A place for support of the family (parents, siblings and/or children) and intimate partners of trans* people. Please respect that this is an area for SO (Significant Others) only.
Though transgender members are not kept from reading and posting in this forum, it should be limited and in support of significant others. I want to remind you significant other that if you feel a post is not appropriate in this thread then you are invited to report it to the staff by hitting the Report to Moderator button in the lower right of the post. You will be shown a screen where you can tell us what the problem is and a moderator will investigate the issue and take appropriate action if necessary. This is your area to discuss you topics.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Faith on November 26, 2017, 06:41:48 AM
I wish more SO's would post their thoughts and trials, it helps me keep a grip on what my wife may have running through her head. Yes, while my wife and I try to keep an open dialog, sometimes you have a running thought pattern that doesn't fit into a conversation without sounding hateful or wrong. The thoughts are there, they need to be addressed on both sides.
tears will flow, there's no way around that.
I keep a lot of thoughts to myself because they do sound hateful and selfish, and I know that if I vocalise them it'll make both of us feel even worse. A lot of the posts from partners here and on other forums are us trying to make sense of it all. There's always the thought in the back of my head " what if it doesn't work out and we break up" even though we both desperately want it to work. I know that he won't leave me, so it would be me, unable to handle being with a transgender woman, and that makes me feel worse. There are just some things in my mind I can't reconcile, and I'll never know how I'll really handle them until it happens. When I think about how I feel, then I realise how horrible and selfish I am, I know I should still love him and want to be with him no matter what, but there's always the what if in the back of my mind.
Quote from: yellow submarine on November 26, 2017, 01:29:00 PM
I keep a lot of thoughts to myself because they do sound hateful and selfish, and I know that if I vocalise them it'll make both of us feel even worse. A lot of the posts from partners here and on other forums are us trying to make sense of it all. There's always the thought in the back of my head " what if it doesn't work out and we break up" even though we both desperately want it to work. I know that he won't leave me, so it would be me, unable to handle being with a transgender woman, and that makes me feel worse. There are just some things in my mind I can't reconcile, and I'll never know how I'll really handle them until it happens. When I think about how I feel, then I realise how horrible and selfish I am, I know I should still love him and want to be with him no matter what, but there's always the what if in the back of my mind.
I'm not how to approach it. I know on my side if my wife is worried about a specific thing then i want her to ask me.
We've crossed the 'men' question off. I have zero sexual interest in men
Then there's the 'wasted years' question. I do not regret our life together and would not have missed any of it, bumps and all.
And the 'I didn't marry a woman'. This is the big one. I don't know what changes are coming and neither does she. I cannot alleviate this in any way. All we can do is keep an open dialog to work through it.
Possibly breaking up? The fact that neither of us wants to give up on the other is very important. It tempers how we approach our solutions. Since I am the one presenting the change it is up to me to help her in any way that I can. I just need to know about it so i can help work it out. There's different types of change that cause marriages to fail, amicably or not. Dwelling on the possibility does no one any good ... it's also very hard not to think the worst and worry.
My wife and I now talk about everything and nothing while lying in bed just before going to sleep. It keeps communication open and essy. For me it's the best part of my day. By the way, before I accepted that I was changing i couldn't do that. I held it all in.
Every relationship is different, I cannot speak for others. I hope something in my ramblings helps.
Quote from: yellow submarine on November 25, 2017, 03:44:59 PM
There's barely any safe spaces for partners to post and vent without a well-meaning trans person or ally to come in and tell us how the trans person is going through so much more. As if we don't feel bad enough that we're having a hard time coping, and having thoughts that would probably be labelled as transphobic and hateful. I just feel that us partners are often shoved to the side and expected to be 100% supportive 100% of the time, or leave, both of which are terrible.
I try very hard to see through my wife's eyes. We have been together 35 years and we have had many trials over the years. Like our sons concussions, Mothers murder, Brothers dementia, jobs. She knows me better than anyone on earth yet she still does not know everything. Heck, contrary to my attitude, I do not know everything. I know it is hard for her and that is why I restrict myself around her. But we are inseparable. she has been the light to my darkness. My rock to steady myself and I am so blessed to have her. I think she understands now that what I have been going through was pre ordained, and not something I engaged in on a whim. It's always just been under the surface for as long as I've been aware of. But I have lived as society believes I should because I have a penis. Sex is nice. But love is more than sex. We love each other and can't get around that. Add to that the family we have built together. Her staying with me, even with my health problems. Unfortunately she does not want to know anything and I can't blame her. So I live basically in two different worlds of support groups and home life. She still works and I am retired so there is a monetary factor. Plus I'm not sure I can survive on my own. I know she can't survive without me, and we own our home.
Quote from: yellow submarine on November 26, 2017, 01:29:00 PM
I keep a lot of thoughts to myself because they do sound hateful and selfish, and I know that if I vocalise them it'll make both of us feel even worse. A lot of the posts from partners here and on other forums are us trying to make sense of it all.
Agreed 100% It is a change that most don't see coming and how you respond to it all depends on the day. I was lucky that I had to come out to everyone as Queer, and later in life, although I struggled to deal with it for years....so it gives me a unique perspective on the transpersons struggle to come to terms and to out themselves(their journey). This in turn makes me feel MUCH more guilty on days I am not 100% supportive of Eli since I have BEEN there in a manner of speaking. It's horrible and no one wants to hurt someone they love. I even am selfish at times, and I HAVE to be or else I will not be able to support them. I need to push them away and see to my own selfish feelings because if I don't do 'self care' by focusing on me, I am like a parent that has a toddler and is at wits end after one to many tantrums. I lose it. That is how I stay sane....
Hi all,
I am new to Susan's, but have been dating Kendra for 18 months.
Her transition, and our relationship are both going smoothly, despite change being a big factor right now.
I would like to offer my support to anyone who could use it