To start, I hope this is the right place to post this.
So basically, I'm 15, known I was FtM since I hit puberty years ago and immediately knew something wasn't right, maybe even further back. In a way I'm still incredibly ashamed of it, and I don't think its something I'll ever truly be able to come to terms with. It took me months to convince myself to join this forum, and even then I couldn't bring myself to introduce myself (is that allowed??). However I still want to transition, and I feel like this whole ordeal could have been a lot simpler if I didn't have my whole future set up right in front of me, ripe for the picking.
I feel like, if I were to come out now, that would be ruined, because I've always wanted to go into a stress heavy medical branch, because I've always thrived and flourished in situations with high stress and I'm naturally good at medical stuff (not to toot my own horn). And to be honest? I'm actually on my way there, got into a bunch of those fancy smart kid programs and everything, everyone I've met says I'll really be able to go somewhere.
But if they knew I were transgender they might think I'm not fit for the job, and if that ended up happening I think I might just about get even more depressed about the situation than I am right now.
There's that problem, and also my parents, I don't think I'll ever be able to tell them, not because they're SUPER transphobic or anything (my dad is a little though) but because I feel like I owe them something for everything they've done for me, and they're always talking about wanting grandkids and seeing either me or my brother get married and start a family one day.
I thought I would be okay with being closeted for life but, my dysphoria recently has actually gone off the charts, and now I don't know if I can stick with that. I've really never felt this lost in my whole life and I don't know what to do, because there's no middle ground between the two that I think I would really prefer.
Its pretty much either I keep this hidden and become successful like I've always wanted to which is my biggest goal in life, make my parents happy but never be truly comfortable, or I risk it and come out, transition, finally be okay with myself but maybe not ever achieve that dream that I've been working towards since I was 6. Either choice means I'll probably feel incredibly guilty for it the rest of my life.
Anyway, I'm sorry I wrote so much, but this is pretty much the first time I've ever opened up about this specifically and there's a lot I need to sort out before its too late to make the choice.
Hey friend. I'm 15 and trying to figure out if FTM trans or just genderfuild. While I'm not sure if I can give you advice on this I am going to send this to someone who might. You can take your time- I haven't even talked to anyone about this yet other than the people on this site.
Quote from: SallyChoasAura on July 22, 2018, 06:30:52 PM
Hey friend. I'm 15 and trying to figure out if FTM trans or just genderfuild. While I'm not sure if I can give you advice on this I am going to send this to someone who might. You can take your time- I haven't even talked to anyone about this yet other than the people on this site.
Thank you for that, I'm really just trying to reach a conclusion as soon as I can with this problem of mine so any help is 10/10 for me. And good luck on figuring out your specific identity, I know how confusing doing just that is.
No problem fam I got you😊
Hi, Ivekan!
Welcome to Susan's.
Sorry to hear that you are feeling so stressed about your future. There is no reason why being trans would exclude you from employment in your chosen field. In most professions, they care more about how well you can do the job than about personal details.
I understand your feeling of obligation to your parents. But you don't owe them grandchildren. You owe them being the best person you can be.
Is there a school counsellor that you can talk to about your concerns for your future?
Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) to tell the members about yourself. Here is some information that we like to share with new members:
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First and foremost, you do not owe children to anyone else. Period. You only have children if YOU want them. I'm my mom's only child and I've had an orchiectomy. She will never have grandkids because having kids was not the right decision for me.
Second, why do you feel like they would consider you unfit for the medical field if you transition? Your abilities will speak for themselves.
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 23, 2018, 07:31:19 AM
Hi, Ivekan!
Welcome to Susan's.
Sorry to hear that you are feeling so stressed about your future. There is no reason why being trans would exclude you from employment in your chosen field. In most professions, they care more about how well you can do the job than about personal details.
I understand your feeling of obligation to your parents. But you don't owe them grandchildren. You owe them being the best person you can be.
Is there a school counsellor that you can talk to about your concerns for your future?
Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) to tell the members about yourself. Here is some information that we like to share with new members:
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
Thank you! The school counselors where I'm from aren't known for being very good at dealing with kids who's problems aren't their grades. I only ever go to them for things such as schedule changes and whatnot, my specific counselor is also notorious for being hard to approach in other situations so I don't think I could talk to her without accidentally conveying the wrong message. I know I should definitely see a therapist about all this but I just have no idea how to bring about doing it, considering I'm still a minor and don't know how I should tell my parents if I ever muster the courage to. Its comforting to hear I don't owe them grandkids in the future but I suppose that's a thing I'm gonna have to shake off over time.
Quote from: Daisy Jane on July 23, 2018, 12:57:13 PM
First and foremost, you do not owe children to anyone else. Period. You only have children if YOU want them. I'm my mom's only child and I've had an orchiectomy. She will never have grandkids because having kids was not the right decision for me.
Second, why do you feel like they would consider you unfit for the medical field if you transition? Your abilities will speak for themselves.
I do suppose I'm actually terrible with children, they've never been my strong suit at all and they always cry the moment they see me haha. I don't hate them however and the possibility of just someone being there when I grow old sounds comforting. I also don't mind adopting but that's the thing my parents don't want.
I've also heard things about the medical field where they might not hire you if you've got a mental disorder/illness and that there's a bit of a stigma against having one and working in the field. Obviously I know that there are still medical personnel that have such and are doing just fine, but its the uncertainty of that future that kind of gets me in that respect. And its not ENTIRELY, the whole ordeal of finding a job after medical school that really gets to me, but the fact I'll probably find it very hard to pay for the schooling required if I come out and it turns out my parents really don't like that. I like to think of every possibility but my mind always seems to wander to the worst outcome for this topic.
First of all, it was a big step to join a place like this. I remember how I felt when I first joined. It was hard to say the least. Be proud of yourself for that, regardless of anything else, okay?
Secondly... the thing about kids is... you have to consider their lives as well as your own. If you know beforehand, and you're already experiencing dysphoria... do you want to take the risk of bringing that into their lives, too? The possibility of sometimes being too distracted to give them the attention they want? Of sometimes feeling so bad within yourself that they may pick up on it? Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. I can tell you from first hand experience with my brother's situation that some people most definitely should not be parents, because their kids' lives are secondary to their own. Especially at a young age. And that's not fair on the child.
If you already know how you feel, hon, then don't have kids because it's expected of you okay? Don't do it for someone else. Because ultimately the child will suffer. And that's not your fault. You can't help who you are, or how you feel. But my honest advice to you would be don't even think about kids until this is resolved to your satisfaction. For yours and their sakes. I know first hand how it feels to feel horrible about yourself and for someone close to you to think the way you're acting is their fault. It makes both of you feel like crap.
Also I would agree with Daisy Jane. Especially the way the world is nowadays. What you can do matters more than where you come from or who you are. The world is moving more and more into a place where that doesn't matter. Where it isn't allowed to matter. Only if you can do the job you want to do. And I can really only see that position being strengthened as awareness and understanding is strengthened. So that might not be as big a factor as you think, either.
Ultimately, from your post, the one thing I didn't get was that you weren't sure. Of who you are I mean. Only that you aren't sure what to do about it. And I get that, hon. Really I do. You have to basically surrender control to your parents if you tell them, and throw yourself on their reaction. And what it all means to you. I don't envy you that position.
Is there anyone you can talk to face to face about this? Have you thought about innocently broaching the subject with your parents, in a more general sense? To gauge their opinions on it? Not referring to yourself specifically, but more as a matter of interest?
*big hug* I know this must be hard for you. But you're not alone okay?
Quote from: Sephirah on July 23, 2018, 05:04:46 PM
First of all, it was a big step to join a place like this. I remember how I felt when I first joined. It was hard to say the least. Be proud of yourself for that, regardless of anything else, okay?
Secondly... the thing about kids is... you have to consider their lives as well as your own. If you know beforehand, and you're already experiencing dysphoria... do you want to take the risk of bringing that into their lives, too? The possibility of sometimes being too distracted to give them the attention they want? Of sometimes feeling so bad within yourself that they may pick up on it? Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. I can tell you from first hand experience with my brother's situation that some people most definitely should not be parents, because their kids' lives are secondary to their own. Especially at a young age. And that's not fair on the child.
If you already know how you feel, hon, then don't have kids because it's expected of you okay? Don't do it for someone else. Because ultimately the child will suffer. And that's not your fault. You can't help who you are, or how you feel. But my honest advice to you would be don't even think about kids until this is resolved to your satisfaction. For yours and their sakes. I know first hand how it feels to feel horrible about yourself and for someone close to you to think the way you're acting is their fault. It makes both of you feel like crap.
Also I would agree with Daisy Jane. Especially the way the world is nowadays. What you can do matters more than where you come from or who you are. The world is moving more and more into a place where that doesn't matter. Where it isn't allowed to matter. Only if you can do the job you want to do. And I can really only see that position being strengthened as awareness and understanding is strengthened. So that might not be as big a factor as you think, either.
Ultimately, from your post, the one thing I didn't get was that you weren't sure. Of who you are I mean. Only that you aren't sure what to do about it. And I get that, hon. Really I do. You have to basically surrender control to your parents if you tell them, and throw yourself on their reaction. And what it all means to you. I don't envy you that position.
Is there anyone you can talk to face to face about this? Have you thought about innocently broaching the subject with your parents, in a more general sense? To gauge their opinions on it? Not referring to yourself specifically, but more as a matter of interest?
*big hug* I know this must be hard for you. But you're not alone okay?
Yeah I've got a couple of friends who I'm out to. Unfortunately they're either on the same boat as me or are even more lost currently. It's a good portion of the reason I joined this forum lol. I've tried testing the waters with my parents and my mom seems to be okay people being trans but not me. And I think my dad is the same, haven't gotten to asking him yet. The extended family on I have on his side is awful about it though. So not much hope. Its like im gonna have to do a lot of this whole coming out stuff once I'm financially stable while being independent but I am worried that will take a long time. And that I'm going to have to put a lot of my plans on hold.
Welcome to Susan's Place. There is no reason why you can't enter the medical profession if your transgender. Transgenderism isn't a mental condition though it may result in depression if left untreated. We have members who are in the medical profession and being transgender hasn't caused any issues. Transitioning in an enlightened environment such as the medical community means that everybody understands the issues your dealing with and if anything, handling it correctly prepares them for dealings they may have in the future.
Professionally I was a computer programmer and while the people around me weren't knowledgable in LGBT issues, they knew when somebody was able to do the job. As the result, my past was never an issue in my professional life. I suspect should you decide to transition, you will find much the same.
Quote from: Ivekan on July 22, 2018, 03:59:18 PM
I feel like, if I were to come out now, that would be ruined, because I've always wanted to go into a stress heavy medical branch, because I've always thrived and flourished in situations with high stress and I'm naturally good at medical stuff (not to toot my own horn). And to be honest? I'm actually on my way there, got into a bunch of those fancy smart kid programs and everything, everyone I've met says I'll really be able to go somewhere.
...
Anyway, I'm sorry I wrote so much, but this is pretty much the first time I've ever opened up about this specifically and there's a lot I need to sort out before its too late to make the choice.
All right, let's slay some of these dragons okay? (Presumptuous as heck of me but free commentary is worth exactly what you paid for it and I will not be offended at all if you do not find this helpful and reject it out of hand)
I was one of those smart kids too when I was growing up and puberty was pretty much the end of things for me for a long while. I could not reconcile who I knew myself to be with what everyone expected me to accomplish. They put me in a cage of potential and the pressure and expectations were profound.
So I went to college and eventually grad-school. I spent my time and energy trying desperately to be what everyone thought I ought to be and very nearly died. I broke hearts and was self-destructive until I finally could no longer face another day as I was. Then I began, with a lot of help, to find another path. The one I walk today. I waited for forty years to tell my parents the truth about who I am, and sadly by the time I could, my father had passed. My mother surprised me with "Of course dear, I've known this for a long time." I don't know if your parents will be your allies, I do know that if they never know, they will not get the chance to truly know their child. They will not get to love their son.
You owe them nothing but the integrity and authenticity that you also owe to yourself. Dysphoria never goes away. It waxes and wanes but will always return and over time will return with more power and greater potential for destruction.
Success in life is not about what you accumulate or even what you do. Success in life is about who you are at the core and how you manifest that in the world. It would be the saddest thing of all for you not to become everything that you have the power to become. The most brilliant physician, the most illuminated scholar or even better. The most authentic and loving man.
I am an old lady but my time for self-realization will not end until I leave this plane of existence. Till then I will travel, meditate, learn, teach, dance and sing. None of these things really blossom in the absence of authenticity and self acceptance.
Above all, I wish you love and I wish you courage. If I can be of any help at all, I offer that as well.
Namaste,
Julie
Quote from: JB_Girl on July 24, 2018, 11:23:57 AM
I was one of those smart kids too when I was growing up and puberty was pretty much the end of things for me for a long while. I could not reconcile who I knew myself to be with what everyone expected me to accomplish. They put me in a cage of potential and the pressure and expectations were profound.
So I went to college and eventually grad-school. I spent my time and energy trying desperately to be what everyone thought I ought to be and very nearly died. I broke hearts and was self-destructive until I finally could no longer face another day as I was. Then I began, with a lot of help, to find another path. The one I walk today. I waited for forty years to tell my parents the truth about who I am, and sadly by the time I could, my father had passed. My mother surprised me with "Of course dear, I've known this for a long time." I don't know if your parents will be your allies, I do know that if they never know, they will not get the chance to truly know their child. They will not get to love their son.
You owe them nothing but the integrity and authenticity that you also owe to yourself. Dysphoria never goes away. It waxes and wanes but will always return and over time will return with more power and greater potential for destruction.
Success in life is not about what you accumulate or even what you do. Success in life is about who you are at the core and how you manifest that in the world. It would be the saddest thing of all for you not to become everything that you have the power to become. The most brilliant physician, the most illuminated scholar or even better. The most authentic and loving man.
I am an old lady but my time for self-realization will not end until I leave this plane of existence. Till then I will travel, meditate, learn, teach, dance and sing. None of these things really blossom in the absence of authenticity and self acceptance.
Above all, I wish you love and I wish you courage. If I can be of any help at all, I offer that as well.
Namaste,
Julie
love what you said here Julie. The dysphoria is truly back and forth, and don't ignore the cause forever, I tried to do that, and within ten years of self admission, I fell into a suicidal depression. I came out because I was at the point of "be yourself or you will cause yourself permanent harm"....don't get to that point please.
secondly, kids......personally, I find them annoying, but as everyone else has said, that is something you owe to nobody. your parents would rather have you be you than have kids to appease them.
I might be of some help with how to broach this with parents/family. I am 17, and spend all my time at my dads, and have to knowingly ignore court orders to go to my moms because it is a transphobic location and is unsafe for me to be there. but ignoring that issue, if you approach your parents in a conciliatory way, it might help, just whatever you do, don't come off as any negative stance, that will worsen any situation no matter how good it can potentially be.
feel free to send me a message if you have any questions about anything.
Love,
Lilly Garcia
Hey Ivekan
I'm an old participant here, and tend to kill off my account until I find some reason to recreate it and respond to someone. How are you doing with your dilemma?
Some comments: firstly, you are extremely expressive and seem to be more than smart. This is a huge positive point in making a success of your life. But being smart can also lead to "analysis paralysis". I often suggest to people with a dilemma to create a table of all the concerns, and to write an honest response for the options and weigh them up. Your options, as I see them are "do nothing", "do something now", and "do something later".
Some of us manage to put our dysphoria into a box and work on other aspects of our lives. This could work for you if you are driven by your professional goals, for example. However (uh oh) I will echo what others have said, in that dysphoria may wax and wane, but tends to come back. I wanted to change over 25 years ago, but I was too scared and sublimated this desire into working hard, starting a few small companies and so on. But for many of us, our true selves simply need to be expressed sooner or later. I'm not saying that this is a ticking bomb, but I will say that life is so much better if you live it by being true to yourself in all aspects. I did this 5 years ago, and it worked out very well, partly because I planned it extremely carefully and knew exactly what I wanted to do.
Parents? The vast majority of them just want the best for their child, and most of them come round, even if they are shocked at first. They will question your motives because of your relative youth, and this is reasonable. But if you are prepared, and know your mind and have your story clear, they will almost certainly support you.
Do this now or later? Oh, this is the biggie! If you wait until you are successfully established in your professional (and personal) life, it is likely that you will successfully manage your transition and come out the other side equally successfully. There may be collateral damage, and you can't plan for everything (I got divorced and hurt someone I loved). If you do it now, you appear to feel that it would jeopardise your fututre, but I'm not so sure of this. You say you want to work in a medical environment, and this is possibly one of the best places to find people who are most sensitised to transgender issues. And, due to some recent high visibility transgender people, society in general is much more aware and less critical. To you I say grow a thick skin, and to your critics, tell them to jump.
My personal experience, to give you some context: I started transition when I was 45 and finished it a year later. That year was the most fascinating and positive one of my life, and my friends, family and company were fully supportive. Because people now see someone credible and positive, most of them can't remember how I was before. My key regret is not having done this 20 years earlier, but these are moments, and I get on with living in the here and now.
I wish you the best of luck, but let me tell you that you almost always make your own luck, and that is what you should do!
Julia
@julia-madridDear Julia
Thank you today for your first two postings here on Susan's Place. Even though you stated that you an old hand here and an old participant here I am still going to give you a proper welcome and some information that will help you to most benefit being here on the Forums.
I am so glad that you have just become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your interesting and detailed posting with the members here on the Forums. Many of our members will now be aware of your arrival here on the Forums and can address some of the things that you stated on your very first posting here.
I am thinking that you may have lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation as you feel free to share it.
Please allow me to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place.
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members. When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here.
Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
I have included Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place. Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.
Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) |
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@julia-madrid Oh, and another thing Julia:
Please stop by the Introductions Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) to tell more members about yourself and your arrival here on the Forums. You can include some brief information about yourself so other like-minded members will be able to share with you, and you with them.
Enjoy your time here on the Forums, I trust that you will find this an enjoyable and informative experience.
Best wishes to you.... and again, Welcome to Susan's Place
Danielle
Thanks Danielle for the welcome. I'll do just that and go to intro page...
Hugs
J
Hey,
just ask yourself and imagine how you want to have lived your life when you're close to its end. And what you would regret more: a life full of unhappiness and pain (possibly) or a life with a failed career (if it were to came that far). I think that's the most important thing to ask yourself.
Also, consider that if you decide to not transition for now, you may end up in your desired job. But gender dysphoria could eventually cause depression and many other comorbidities. Which is way more likely to cost you your job, I'd say. To tackle it now, perhaps eliminating them completely, would therefore be less risky to your future.
And: How about you proving all those wrong who think a trans person can't be fit for challenging careers? ;)
And a final point: Most ftm pass very well and easily, I think. Chances are, not many people will know unless you tell them. (Which could even help you. Men seem to have some advantage moving up the ladder.)
Don't worry. It won't hamper you in the long run. Instead it will make your life great. I'm sure your parents won't have any problem with a trans kid. They are quite open to other trans people, so to have one as a child won't be the end of the world. They may be shocked, they may not want one. But only because they love you and don't want you to have to deal with such a huge burden. As soon as they know, I'm conviced, they will be there for you. :)
Make as much money as humanly possible, then you can do whatever you want.
Ask yourself, will being FTM make you more or less money? If it does, then do it.
Once you have saved up enough money, you wont need to worry about social obligations, being hired, or what your parents think. And noone will bully you anymore, because you will have the power.
Its like me. I want to get into advertising. But I have to be a male to advertise. It is fake as heck but I have to do it. But that is advertising. People faking pretending to be happy, what is the difference? In fact one of the most effective form of advertisement are those miserable mafia types, faking being happy and pretending to be all sunshine and rainbows. I view my advertisement as no different. Once I get enough money, I will be able to do whatever I want, let loose, dress however I want, run my business however I want, pump any ads however the heck I want, not have society boss me around or bully me anymore. Because once I'm rich, I don't have to follow social norms to get needed sales. Screw it, once I'm rich noones telling me what to do, unless its advice.
Quote from: Angelic on September 16, 2018, 07:48:03 PM
Make as much money as humanly possible, then you can do whatever you want.
Ask yourself, will being FTM make you more or less money? If it does, then do it.
Once you have saved up enough money, you wont need to worry about social obligations, being hired, or what your parents think. And noone will bully you anymore, because you will have the power.
Its like me. I want to get into advertising. But I have to be a male to advertise. It is fake as heck but I have to do it. But that is advertising. People faking pretending to be happy, what is the difference? In fact one of the most effective form of advertisement are those miserable mafia types, faking being happy and pretending to be all sunshine and rainbows. I view my advertisement as no different. Once I get enough money, I will be able to do whatever I want, let loose, dress however I want, run my business however I want, pump any ads however the heck I want, not have society boss me around or bully me anymore. Because once I'm rich, I don't have to follow social norms to get needed sales. Screw it, once I'm rich noones telling me what to do, unless its advice.
That is, to use a technical term, a load of horse hooey. You don't "become" transgender based on the supply, or lack of supply, of money.
That's probably the worst advice I've seen someone give on this site, and borders on being downright unsupportive.
Quote from: Devlyn on September 16, 2018, 08:45:54 PM
That is, to use a technical term, a load of horse hooey. You don't "become" transgender based on the supply, or lack of supply, of money.
That's probably the worst advice I've seen someone give on this site, and borders on being downright unsupportive.
Do you know what horse hooey is used for? Fertilizer, to grow farms and gardens. It is good for the environment. It is good for productivity. It is good for...making
money.
Also, I have a horse avatar and I am offended.
So it boils down to this:
Maybe FTMs live in a different space, where they are perfectly accepted by society and their parents, and they can get any job with ease.
But that's not my experience as an MTF at all. It was a
>-bleeped-<show, no real friends, no money to afford hair removal or FFS to pass (not that I would do FFS anyway), no money to improve my living conditions or have a car, constantly bullied and rejected by society, etc. But its a free country, if people want to try to transition while going through a hellish grind, that's their choice.
So what is the problem here? If as an FTM, they can make money, be accepted by society, and get all the perks and benefits of being a first-class citizen, then they should by all means do it.
This topic was about advice. But I guess it really was just a one-sided conversation, there was never two options of choices of response, only 1 option you are allowed to respond to, a rhetorical question, where you have to regurgitate positive things and only the stuff people want to hear.
And yes, money is my god, don't diss my religion. Being a non-passing trans who is stuck in poverty is absolute HELL.
:laugh: Your avatar is a unicorn, not a horse! You're one of us. >:-)
Quote from: Devlyn on September 18, 2018, 12:45:20 PM
:laugh: Your avatar is a unicorn, not a horse! You're one of us. >:-)
Unicorns are horses, lol. Just horses with an upgrade