First of all, I'm sorry if this topic is not allowed. Not looking to cause trouble, just need answers.
I tried watching YouTube videos but the problem with vlogs is that people often don't get the damn point. Which makes it worse is that I have very poor internet. I want to know what people claim is their reasons, not what you interrupt their reasons to be. Quotes or you summarize what they said. Of course, only do so if answers to my question are allowed to be said. If I can't get answers here, I will just have to try to be patient and watch those videos when I have access to good internet.
I have only talked to a few people who stopped their transition process mainly because they do not want to hurt their close personal relationships. They chose to live with gender dysphoria in deference to the people they love and want to keep close.
Transition has it's downsides and the main one is not everybody accepts us for what we are deep inside. They just see the outside of people like us and get upset with our changes in appearance associated with transition.
The topic is allowed on this site and we have a section reserved (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,487.0.html) for discussions of this type. You may notice that I have moved your thread to this section where it should get more responses. In the mean time, brows the section and you may get some answers to your question.
Detransitions can happen for many reasons. Job, family and social pressure are some of them. One of the lesser known issues is some people bluff their way through therapy and the problem they hid becomes a problem. Conditions such as schizophrenia or multiple personalities (DID) are serious issues which need to be treated and fully understood before irreversible actions are taken. Those condition aren't show stoppers but they do make things a little more difficult.
I would like to know this too. I'm about to have SrS and I want no regrets.
Quote from: Dena on July 14, 2018, 11:14:50 PM
The topic is allowed on this site and we have a section reserved (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,487.0.html) for discussions of this type. You may notice that I have moved your thread to this section where it should get more responses. In the mean time, brows the section and you may get some answers to your question.
Detransitions can happen for many reasons. Job, family and social pressure are some of them. One of the lesser known issues is some people bluff their way through therapy and the problem they hid becomes a problem. Conditions such as schizophrenia or multiple personalities (DID) are serious issues which need to be treated and fully understood before irreversible actions are taken. Those condition aren't show stoppers but they do make things a little more difficult.
You bring up a great point of personality disorders. Being trans and not accepted in the world by itself can be psychological traumatising. Then add abuse whether physical or mental which is too common. It is a very good thing that everyone who matters agrees that treatment is possible. Just about everyone feels better on hormones.
Detransitioning is feared by many people who I've met and view it is the most important thing in their life. Many people detransition because lack of money, a lack of resources, or some sort of fear.
I assume money is the biggest barrier.
I was seriously considering stopping my HRT and the whole process this past winter and up until recently, if this makes any sense, because my dysphoria was so gone because my HRT (specially the antiandrogen part) was doing its job TOO WELL... does that make any sense? My libido was entirely gone as was my energy level, I was very depressed, everything having to do with being a woman wasn't even crossing my mind anymore (the clothes, makeup, shopping, girly things in general which I enjoy), i was like a zombie for the whole winter...wasn't a great place to be and I was thinking of giving up on my transition completely. Life had become a horrible place...
Saw my endo a few months ago, my estrogen levels were very high, and my testosterone almost non-existent. We decided to tone down my patches a few notches and almost discontinued the spiro completely. Since then, my libido has come back strong, my desire to be a woman has come back strongly as well, with a vengeance. I feel as if a heavy fog has lifted from me and the joys of life have returned. I mean, whats the point of transitionning if it completely takes away my desire to do so in the first place, including making me feel borderline suicidal? Body changes had also seemed to stop, and after only a year of HRT, i don't think the changes are supposed to stall yet... no breast pains/itches/movement at all, etc...Psychologically was a mess, i even started missing ejaculation when orgasming..
Anyhow, fast forward a few months and wow, my energy levels are good, positive/jubilant frame of mind, libido very high, and DESIRE to transition back fully! All things woman are now in the forefront of my brain. Even thinking about breast augmentation and other surgeries again. If my dysphoria gives me my life back, then I fully want it as a part of me. I have my quarterly blood test this week, my suspicion is that my estrogen levels have decreased to within my bodie's "acceptable" limits, plus my testosterone has most likely gone up as well. For me personally, I believe that my levels were all wrong and the various blockers (Androcur, then bicalutamide, then too much spiro for a while) that I've been on threw me on a major down. Hopefully i'm stabilized and that it continues so! Loving my transition again!
Overall, even though it was a bad experience, I am glad to have gone through it and learned from it. Hopefully this personal experience can help someone else. Lol I should have put this in my HRT thread, but saw a great reason for putting it here.
Jenna xx
Quote from: JennaFae on July 22, 2018, 05:21:00 PM
I was seriously considering stopping my HRT and the whole process this past winter and up until recently, if this makes any sense, because my dysphoria was so gone because my HRT was doing its job TOO WELL... does that make any sense? My libido was entirely gone as was my energy level, I was very depressed, everything having to do with being a woman wasn't even crossing my mind anymore (the clothes, makeup, shopping, girly things in general which I enjoy), i was like a zombie for the whole winter...wasn't a great place to be and I was thinking of giving up on my transition completely. Life had become a horrible place...
Saw my endo a few months ago, my estrogen levels were very high, and my testosterone almost non-existent. We decided to tone down my patches a few notches and almost discontinued the spiro completely. Since then, my libido has come back strong, my desire to be a woman has come back strongly as well, with a vengeance. I feel as if a heavy fog has lifted from me and the joys of life have returned. I mean, whats the point of transitionning if it completely takes away my desire to do so in the first place, including making me feel borderline suicidal? Body changes had also seemed to stop, and after only a year of HRT, i don't think the changes are supposed to stall yet... no breast pains/itches/movement at all, etc...Psychologically was a mess, i even started missing ejaculation when orgasming..
Anyhow, fast forward a few months and wow, my energy levels are good, positive/jubilant frame of mind, libido very high, and DESIRE to transition back fully! All things woman are now in the forefront of my brain. Even thinking about breast augmentation and other surgeries again. If my dysphoria gives me my life back, then I fully want it as a part of me. I have my quarterly blood test this week, my suspicion is that my estrogen levels have decreased to within my bodie's "acceptable" limits, plus my testosterone has most likely gone up as well.
Overall, even though it was a bad experience, I am glad to have gone through it and learned from it. Hopefully this personal experience can help someone else. Lol I should have put this in my HRT thread, but saw a great reason for putting it here.
Jenna xx
I've heard this before from others and they choose a low dose regimen - just enough to get rid of the dysphoria. I can't go into dosages, but I can say that they were small. Just a little did the trick for the person. He wears his androgyny well.
Yep, that's what it's looking like for me as well, for now at least.
Jenna
I can't speak for others but I can give you my reasons for why I detransition. It'll give you one of many stories, at least. It's now been a little over 3 weeks since I decided to detransition, and I feel certain that's the right decision. Haven't done any medical reversing treatments yet, but I am looking into it. Cause damn, I got work to do...
My main reason for making this choice is because I realised that what I thought was gender dysphoria I was experiencing was actually body dysmorphia from sexual trauma in my past. And that my wish to be a man was partially due to me subconsciously seeing women as victims and partially because I idolised men as strong and powerful. Putting all those pieces together, I realised I'm not actually transgender at all.
I had started feeling dysphoric about my acquired male traits (from my FtM transition) already a few days before I had that realisation. It was my alter who brought up "reverse dysphoria" from deeper within me, during a switch. That was new for us both, and very unexpected. Since then that dysphoria has been intensifying while I'm feeling overly happy about my remaining original female traits and relieved that I still have them. I connect to and like being a woman now, and I don't like being seen as a man anymore. I lived as a guy for 9 years and did an almost "full" transition with 6 years on testosterone and top surgery, along with legal gender and name change. This intense pain of regretting all of that now and feeling like I threw away something precious, really does tell me that it was the wrong move for me to transition in the first place. I lied to my therapists about my DID and kept the trauma memories to myself. For that I only have myself to blame.
So, for me it wasn't about not passing (I passed really well as a guy), not about family or financial situation, etc. I boil it down to "mental illness" from trauma having clouded my mind about my gender, and clouded my judgement. I'm really a cis girl who made a (for me) very big mistake.
How I did not notice for 9 years... Well, willful ignorance, and stuffing my head deep enough into the sand about it. It scared me a lot, the thought that I might not be trans cause of the trauma and the DID and all that... I was too scared to find out so I blocked away those thoughts and feelings and simply carried on, until I eventually had gathered up enough courage to dig into them. I'm glad I did, but wish I had done that much sooner.
In the end I think it will be alright, and I'm sure that having gone through a transition I didn't need means something as well. Like I will find meaning in this pain, eventually. But yeah I'm definitely struggling right now. My therapist asked me what's the hardest part about my detransitioning and I literally had to think cause it's all so hard I don't know what's the worst part. I'm a little tired of life giving me the middle finger, by now. In general, I mean.
I am a 43 year old mtf. I started my transitioning 12 years ago and had my srs and hrt 10 years ago. I have been living full time as female for the last 10 years. I am tall (1.83cm) and have masculine head and upper body. I did feminization surgeries and these procedures helped me to pass fairly well as a woman. I have also overall a feminine voice. I am a very social and active person. I live my life to the full. I travel a lot, go regularly to dance clubs, meet plenty of people all over the globe, make constantly new friends. I have been married with a man, divorced and had relationship with another man. I had also multiple romantic encounters with men since I transitioned. So, I have lived my femininity to the full. Have functioned as a female in the society with relatively good success. Had good jobs, earned well, made friends etc.
However, there are always people, who wonder why I have some masculine traits. They can see that I am tall, strong built, with here and there male characteristics. I have always tried to hide my masculinity and my past as a man. When someone confronted me about whether I transitioned from male to female, I would go to great lengths to deny it, fearing the negative consequences. This led me to lead a fearful life with tension, always on the lookout to prevent people to spot me as transgender. I suffered for the last few years a hidden depression. This is because the toll of hiding my past and shrouding it in a cloud of mystery became too much for me. I can no longer deny that I was born a man. I am happy to be a woman, this is how I always felt since the age of 5. I always wanted to be a girl. I will always have a woman inside me. But I have now come to accept the fact that I am biologically, genetically and anatomically a male! This is an absolute truth that you can't undo, by lifestyle, hormones or surgeries. I am now at peace with the man I was born. I am now leading an androgynous lifestyle. I dress as a man, have cut my hair. I am slightly detransitioning. I know that I can not continue living in a lie. I am female with a male body. I have to live at peace with both.
Also the pressure of the society and family has contributed greatly to my decision to detransition. My mother had never peace with losing her son. I have at times applied for well paid positions in big companies such as Facebook, Google, Indeed, Linkedin, Paypal, Airbnb etc. As soon as the recruiters would notice anything strange about me, questioning my gender, they would reject my application. This happened to me many times. I have come to believe, that I will not survive as a woman, in a society that is at Medieval terms with transgenderism. Technology has advanced enormously, but people's attitudes and reaction to transgender or other LGBT people, has yet to improve to the level of acceptance, understanding and inclusion. I don't see that happening at my lifetime.
I will have my silicon implants removed soon. I am thinking to start testosterone treatment. I believe I will succeed, because I am simply going back to what I was. I will never be the same person off course. However I have finally explored the woman I wanted to be and I will always caress and love her in my male gender.
Welcome to Susan's Place Lialuna. I know you have put far more into your decision to detransition than is contained in your post but there is one issue that caught my eye. I have observed on this site that often the amount of dysphoria a MTF experiences is related to Testosterone levels. If the levels are in the feminine range, there isn't any difficultly and there are some benefits to having feminine levels. However when the levels are in the masculine range dysphoria returns for those members who though they were cured and discontinued HRT. I can't say for sure this will be the case for you but you might want to reconsider your approach and avoid anything irreversible until you know what your approach to HRT will be.
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Hi Dena,
Thank you for your comment. This is a very interesting finding. I am indeed of the estrogens for the last 6 years. I was on them from 2008 to early 2012 and stopped taking them from 2012. I have absolutely not been on any hormones ever since. Something strange happened in the last 6 months. It feels as if my body started detransitioning by itself. My feelings and emotions started changing, I started behaving more male. The fat deposits on my face faded away slowly, revealing masculine, thin and elongated facial features. I landed in serious depression and started questioning my transitioning.
I will contact an endocrinologist to find about it. I had srs, and will probably go through life with female genitals. I have my own breast tissue, but also did silicon implants. I will have the silicons removed regardless of detransitioning or not. I never liked silicons. So this will leave me with the decision, either to go back to estrogens of start taking testosterone. I enjoy being a woman and function very well as a woman in my daily life. However the return of my dysphoria has achieved one thing, I am now at peace with my birth gender. I am now carefully living an adrogynous life. I do like it this way. I still speak with soft feminine voice. But yes, I assume you have a lot of experience and knowledge regarding hormone balance. Perhaps being off the estrogen hormones for the last 6 years brought my dysphoria back with full vengeance.
I was off HRT for around 10 years because it was thought you didn't need HRT when you get older. I discovered the hard way that you need estradiol in order to hold the changes in place. The dosage doesn't need to be high as menopause levels are sufficient. In my case the first warning should have been when people were questioning me about losing weight when I hadn't. Over time my face because really gaunt and there were purple circles under my eyes because there was no longer a layer of fat to hide the blood vessels and veins. After as little as a few months back on HRT, I could see some changes to my face. After a couple of years, much of the damage has been reversed however I still have more to correct.
Dysphoria turns out to be a good deal more complicated than one might think. Testosterone is the primary cause of it but it can be the result of discomfort with our body or our social role. There may even be additional triggers for dysphoria that I am not aware of. Even after around 40 years, being misgendered can still trigger me so I am not sure it ever entirely goes away but you can go for long periods of time without it.
Quote from: Dani on July 14, 2018, 10:31:24 PM
I have only talked to a few people who stopped their transition process mainly because they do not want to hurt their close personal relationships. They chose to live with gender dysphoria in deference to the people they love and want to keep close.
Transition has it's downsides and the main one is not everybody accepts us for what we are deep inside. They just see the outside of people like us and get upset with our changes in appearance associated with transition.
This covers a lot of it.
I started my transition over a year ago and now I'm seriously considering stopping. I didn't take my last T shot and don't intend to take one any time soon.
For me I have SO many reasons, and the pros are beginning to get outweighed in the de-transitioning favor.
Here are my personal reasons:
1. My issue seems to be more related to BDD than anything, because I am personally not happy as either gender, but I personally refuse to identify as fluid, neutral, neither - it seems like far too much work, not even for me but the people around me and I promised I would never become that person that lashes out over prnouns, etc.
2. My sentimentality and sense of stability is skewed by old fashioned views. I myself am progressive, but things have been bred into me, being raised in the south and in church. I don't think this personally have everything to do with this, because I am so open and I've long disassociated from religion and church. My family's, and my own, view of gender roles and binaries is set...That being said, I would much rather be the girl who shoots guns and drinks beer with her dad than the boy who's constantly teased for not being man enough - if that makes sense? I suck at being a girl and I suck at being a boy, no exceptions.
3. I don't want to miss out on things that I've always wanted. I've always wanted to get married, have children and have a family of my own. Yes, that can be done as a trans man, but it's so much harder...The child wouldn't be my own, finding love as a trans person is REALLY hard, because gay men want men, gay women want women, straight men want women, and even some bisexuals won't date trans people, so you're limited to extremely open minded hetero flexible individuals, some bisexuals and people who are pan/ace/demi - in some areas that can be impossible.
4. Health problems related to HRT - my blood pressure is getting ridiculous. In addition my hormones are back to being imbalanced and my dose can't be raised any higher. My mental and physical health is becoming a problem...I always feel ill, I can barely eat...I lost 10 lbs in a week because I just don't have an appetite and that only adds to the fact that I'm already not feeling great. I came close to fainting at least once a day a couple of weeks back.
5. My family didn't disown me or anything, they still love me, but I can tell it's caused both my mother and my grandmother a great deal of distress. (I'm very close to both of them.)
My mom is coping with the same things I am on the not getting married and having my own kids, etc....I'll never be a bride. I'm not her "baby" anymore. She can't seem to call me by Steven even though it's been over a year. My grandmother found out in the worst way possible and has just kind of ignored it, but has realized that there's a rift now because she refused to talk about it and that heavily narrows what I can talk to her about. She's told me that I can talk to her now, but I don't even want to...not about this kind of stuff, because I don't TOO much want what my mom and Nana say to affect it - bottom line it is MY happiness I have to try to obtain. It would just be easier for my family and my relationships with them, if I stopped. (Though my dad is the same as my mom, it has kind of improved our relationship, but that might just be because I'm doing so well on my own.)
6. With all of the above logic, it just seems easier for me to deal with being unhappy in the body I was born with and stop trying to change it because it may end up causing me more problems than it fixes.
Male alter of a Multiple Personality (MPD)/Dissocaitive Identity Disorder (DID) System raising hand.
Quote from: eyesk8rboi on August 06, 2018, 10:13:37 AM
it just seems easier for me to deal with being unhappy in the body I was born with and stop trying to change it because it may end up causing me more problems than it fixes.
Brilliant, simply brilliant. I think too often people make the mistake of putting Pros and Cons in columns. Sometimes ONE reason for or against can outweigh a thousand.
Being their "authentic self" is a wonderful goal. But it just isn't always possible or for that matter the best decision for everyone.
I was very fortunate that at some level I knew transition was not right for me. I was only 2 years into the process when the time/memory loss, flashbacks and nightmares began and I was rediagnosed as a survivor of childhood trauma and began therapy for DID. You can read more in my post, "Childhood Trauma Survivor Misdiagnosed as Transsexual with Gender Dysphoria" at https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,176195.msg1548804.html#msg1548804