This is just an idea and I thought I would throw it out there and see if anyone needs it.
We try to encourage and support each other here and perhaps this is an area that needs to be addressed.
Are you in crisis? Are you seriously contemplating suicide? Would you like to talk to someone?
I know no one here is a licensed counselor or anything, I just thought perhaps someone might like to talk about something that is really weighing them down to the point they are thinking of just chucking it all. Sometimes it helps just to talk.
I would ask that anyone who participates in this thread keep judgments to themselves. The important thing is to listen, offer hope and comfort and perhaps something from your own experience that helped you through a similar time of crises.
Please note: This is not intended to take the place of talking to a good therapist or counselor. Just a place to talk. It is highly reccommended that if you are in crisis to get professional help.
Good Journey,
Cassie
Very cool Cassandra, I do so agree.
Miisery sucks....and the beauty of susans is that we (as a group) are multr-generational....a blending of realitys.
Are you in crisis?
Please talk to us here (private or in forums).....ask any regular user of susans for help...and we are all here for you. Know why? It is because we know how it feels....to be alone.....to think you are the only one like yourself. Yep....we know about that stuff.
To be Transgender is a hard thing......but you are not alone.
Love DebTV
In crisis? Honey, I am a crisis!
But seriously, anyone who needs to blow something off their mind can always PM me. I'm open to discussion, and it's always good to talk stuff through.
Or you could just post in the PMS forum. That's what it's there for :angel:
Hi Cassie,
As you know my recent experiences where rather difficult but it was the ability to talk to the people here that helped me when I felt quite devastated.
Although I chose to create a new post I think that this one may encourage someone who does not want to go to that length.
If I may, I would invite anyone who feels that things are a little out of control to put the words down in this forum it will help and certainly reading the responses also helps.
Thanks for thinking of this Cassie
Shelley
Crisis, no, stressful time, yes. It always seems that when you need a counselor the most, you can't afford to pay them.
I am glad for a place like Susan's, it give you a place to visit with others in similiar situations and a chance to chat with others who really do care about you.
Coming here gives me a chance to talk and when I talk, I seem to feel better.
Sarah
Hi Sarah,
I do monitor this thread. I did start it after all. It began as an attempt to try to catch suicides that might be falling through the cracks. It is true though, that all of Susan's is a support site. I thought at the time that I started this that some folks might need a little more and if they alerted me here I could PM them so they could talk to someone privately and I could help them find the strength to seek professional counseling and get beyond their current crisis. I also thought that others here might be able to help people in crisis as well. I guess maybe I was being a little arrogant. I am always trying to save the world. Just seems to be in my nature. I have very big shoulders.
I just want people to know that there is always somebody available. You know whenever I log on I always see whos online. There is always somebody here. What a better place. I had my own moment of crisis on my birthday. It was private no one knew but as a moderator I can talk to staff. I could cry right now thinking about how they were all there to offer support and encouragement. Actually I am crying. There is so much love and understanding here. It is such a wonderful site. I don't know what I would have done without it.
Good Journey,
Cassie
I have had several moments of crisis during my life. I even attempted suicide as a teenager. They caught me and pumped my stomach.
A little over 3 years ago I was in Susan's chat room and I told them I was sitting with a revolver in my lap. I was crying and cut my chat off, they took the time and effort to track me down and send the police to see if I was ok.
I was furious at first, but finally did realize they were only looking out for me. I got over it and thanked them and apoligized for my verbal attack at them that I posted right after the police left.
The people here do care. I tend to go through mood swings, large ones. I always have this has been a problem my entire life, so I attempt to keep myself under control. I have found that the act of chatting with others helps to lift me from my depression.
I am available to help you any time you need (for now anyway) as long as I am able to stay on line.
Sarah
Quote "I also thought that others here might be able to help people in crisis as well. I guess maybe I was being a little arrogant. I am always trying to save the world. Just seems to be in my nature. I have very big shoulders."
All I can say Cassie is that the quick responses from you and Steph at a time where I felt utterly destroyed helped me to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is nothing arrogant about what you have done here. I think the term is absolutely necessary and I hope people who need it use it.
If anyone wants a reference here it is. I am still here and pretty damn happy about.
Thanks Cassie
Shelley
yes im in a crisis, every time i look at my reflection and see that boy staring back at me i hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate it
but right now it seems like no one to talk to, no one real, just the online electric people , that councellor was useless and everybody i know in new zealand is too close to talk to and i know im shallow and i know im stupid and i cant stop whats coming cant stop what it is on its way
i feel like doing something big tomorrow
hello Harbour,
it is very hard sometimes, i have been thru exactly the same feelings before. i never looked at myself in the mirror, i looked at my hair as i combed it, looked at my teeth as i brushed them etc but never looked at that person.
the lonely feelings are very hard also. i would try google. look for support groups, gathering places, etc. near you. finding one relative, friend or even an aquaintance to tell helps greatly. online people helped me feel lots better, don't underestimate your electric friends.
i've had these feelings regularly for almost 50 years, they are very hard to cope with but they always ease some for a while and life looks better. this is a cycle that is very hard to deal with but possible to live with until you can arrive at a place where you can start to resolve things. Don't ever give up, it hurts but it will be better soon, i'm so glad that i didnt give up. life is lots better for me now and i promise it will be for you too.
love
beth
Beth's right, Harbour. The worst times of our lives aren't representative. And, although the internet can seem little more than just a bunch of thin imagery and text on a screen, it can be a powerful means of establishing contact with people out in the real world. Up until a couple of months ago I was having great difficulty finding local support and company for people like me, but some Google searches turned up an organization near my place of work, and I've met people, gotten involved in activities, etc. You'll hook up - I know you will. :)
-Celia
Hi Harbour,
You said:
Quoteno one real, just the online electric people , that councellor was useless
Someone on this forum once said that behind all those electrons on the other end is a living breathing flesh and blood human being. The people on the other end of this line are people who have been through what you are going through and we do understand where you are coming from. As to the councellor you saw, this is kind of a hit and miss affair. Just keep looking and you will find the right councellor who you won't have to educate about transgender issues and is ready to listen to you instead of trying to jump to some diagnostic conclussion.
As Beth and Celia said just keep looking for those support groups. They are there somewhere and it is not easy to find them. When I first started looking for information and support groups on line I had to wade through pages and pages of porn site hits to find the ones that were real support groups buried somewhere in all the filth. Once I learned some of the correct terminology I was able to get direct hits to true transgender sites and so I found Susan's
It's a bit of a learning curve and once you get around one curve there is another bend in the road ahead. Just be patient and keep looking.
Quoteyes im in a crisis, every time i look at my reflection and see that boy staring back at me i hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate it
As I got older i stopped looking at the guy in the mirror. In fact I avoided mirrors. For a while I just didn't shave and that was worse then I started shaving in the shower without a mirror. I combed and brushed my hair without a mirror. I took the mirror out of my bathroom cause everytime I got out of the shower there was that body looking back. People would come to my house and say "Don't you have a mirror anywhere in this house" I'd just look at them and say "I don't like mirrors."
Since I've been transitioning I've been much happier. You can't get me away from the mirror. They are everywhere I even have them tucked away in desk drawers. My point is, things change. With time and the right help they will change for you too.
If you want to talk about anything off forum please feel free to PM anytime. I'm a good listener, (most of the time) and I keep things on a confidential level.
Please note I am not a liscensed counsellor or anything like that but I do keep confidences.
Good Journey,
Cassie
wow, interesting to hear how some of you avoided mirrors, i did that for a long time, made sure that the mirror only focused on a certain part of my face, the mirror in my room was at an angle where it was easy to a void myself ive only just started looking properly in the mirror again anddd it depresses me, but its better than avoidance
Stress, the killer of us all.
Some days it just feels like one thing after another. Last week I found out my mother had a stroke, has an enlarged spleen and has leukemia. The doctors gave her a year to live, now this week they say maybe a week or two.
My roommate (spouse, I hesitate to call her that, but we are still legally married) blew up at me over the bills. Another weekend of just staring at each other with no words spoken. I can only take so much of this.
I'm trying to refinace the house (we were supposed to sign on Wend) now it looks like I might be in Chicago then. I ready to sell the house and split the money and call it quits. I'm tired of struggling to hold things together, I'm not sure it is worth the agrivation.
More crap, now the airlines say the ticket we currently have for November 5th is non refundable so we lose the money on those tickets if we go not.
And new tickets for us to leave Wend are $700 each. No way I can handle that. Screwed if you do and screwed if you don't. They have us by the hair and no way out. I hate life.
Hang in there Sarah. I know how it feels when everything just starts piling up and you keep getting hit with bad news. I went through that around my Birthday, boy was that a b@#*h. I had better times standing up to my arse in snow in the middle of some field for the 48th hr without sleep, when I was in the Army in Germany.
All things do pass however, it's just a matter of keeping ones sanity while you're going through it. The airlines have gotten themselves quite a racket especially since the Patriot Act. The only thing that piece of cr..p protects is the airlines bottom line and the government from being sued for violating your right to privacy.
As far as getting to see your mother goes the only thing you can really do is bite the bullet and pay the $700 bucks or hope for the best and wait for the Nov 5 flight. Why don't you go by yourself now and then your wife can use the Nov 5 ticket to catch up with you later.
I hope things get better soon and I will keep you and your mother in my prayers that you will be able to see each other one more time before she passes from this world.
Best of luck and majorly big Hugs,
Cassie
Hi,
I got back Sunday from my mother's funeral (she was 87). The airlines charged us extra everywhere they could, this trip cost a fortune.
Then we got to the airport and they had our seats wrong, we were sitting half a plane apart, so we got them changed and that caused us to be SEARCHED (both going and coming back). What a load of phooy.
When I got there we immeadiately got a phone call telling us to get over to the house right away. She was aware of things when we got there, she would turn her head toward who ever was talking and did squeeze my hand a couple of times, but she was on her way out. She was on moriphine and eventually went into a coma. We sat at her bedside for about 6 hours before she died.
We went to the viewing and the funeral, then left. She will be cremated and 1/2 her ashes spread over a lake in Wisconson (where my father had his ashes spread; 57 years married) and 1/2 buried in the plot where her second husband (10 years) will be buried.
When I left, I said goodbye to my brother who I haven't talked with in about 25 years and my sister who I haven't talked with in about 10 years. I doubt that there will be any futher talking between any of us now that my mother is gone.
Sarah
Which ever way it goes Sarah -Louise I hope it goes well for you.
Thinking of you.
Shelley
Sometimes, I feel like I can't deal with it anymore, then I get over what ever I was feeling and go on. I don't know why I keep trying to show my true self and not the fake one I put up? I know my life would be a lot simpler.
I wish I was as open as the people on this forum and chat board.
Hi Moni,
Susan's provides a place where we can be ourselves in a safe loving environment. Many people on this forum cannot be as open as they would like, outside of Susan's. It is frustrating for many so you should not feel like the only one. Before I began living full time I was allways having to be one person at home and another person outside. I did not care for the outside person and it was quite distressing to me.
Transition is a long process and takes a lot of patience. I am very happy to be living full time now and would never go back. When you are ready you too can live full time. But it is important to take your time. For some it is just a matter of plucking up the courage for others it is a matter of family jobs or other outside conditions. Each of these must be dealt with in their own time until ultimately you are able to be who you truly are all the time.
I wish you well and hope that you will one day to be as open as you see the people here at Susan's.
Big supportive hugs to you,
Cassie
I am in a crisis. I've pretty much known that I'm transgendered all my life. When I was a little kid I remember having thoughts like "I wish I could live my entire life up to this point as a girl." And it's so weird because these were just tiny thoughts in my 6-or however years old I was-mind. Anyway, when I was about 12 I read about that transsexual bond girl because I was into James Bond movies and that was something interesting I discovered. I became fascinated and realized that that probably is me. My hips spread during puberty for some reason and I think my pelvic bone is shaped the way a female's is. Anyway, back then I thought "okay, I'll deal with this later." I've always been really depressed and have always had identity issues. Well, not always. But probably around 4th grade, I started having these issues. Anyway, I just sort of lived my life as a boy. I remember thinking that I'll take hormones to take my hips down when I'm 18 and live as a gay man. But that really doesn't fit. I just sort of lived with my problem in the back of my mind. Like if someone mentioned a sex change, I would instantly think "yeah, i'll get one of those" or something like that. But just recently, I'm 15, I started researching a lot about it. I've discovered some things that actually make me kind of sad. Like that my rib cage can never be decreased. I feel like it's really wide.
And I just feel extremely terrible nowadays because I want to live like a girl and I can't. I have a really big crush right now. I've always been very sexual but all the other guys I liked, I guess it was just lust. I've never felt like this before. Anyway, I so desperately want to do something. And there's other things too. Like I've just started becoming horribly depressed and just talking to other people gets me depressed. Like I can't even really function anymore with this on my mind. And I just feel like even if I get a sex change, I'll never be the way I want to be. And I just feel so bad that this happened to me and I feel terrible because NO ONE knows or understands. Everytime I so much as SEE a woman, it seems like I just get horribly depressed. I can't have a normal high school experience. I'm miserable and I don't know what to do. I want to get a therapist and I've asked for one. I think my parents are finding me one soon. I just feel scared mostly that things won't work out the way I want. I know this sounds pathetic, but someday I dream to get with the guy that I have a crush on now. And I'm afraid that that might not happen. Basically, being hopeful like this is what's been keeping me alive.
Or like I have friends that are girls and watching them talk about guys and just watching them be comfortable with themselves, it's just so hard... It's hard to explain. I'm just so jealous and I feel so sorry for myself all the time...
None of that made any sense because it's all jumbled up, but you know...
I do know how you feel. Many of us here have felt the same way. You are not alone. The therapist will help a lot so that is a very good step for you to take.
The depression is very hard to deal with, your doctor may have anti-depressents that will help and your therapist can help there also. There are answers and solutions to being TG but they take time. You will begin to feel better after you have spoken to someone, we all have had that experience.
beth
bbb
Hang in there. I understand what you are saying and I know how frusterated you feel. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by asking to see a therapist. I know ot doesn't seem fair, I still feel that way sometimes, but you can work through this. The people here are the best, and others will have better advice than mine. Take care and don't give up.
Tiffanie
Hi bbb,
Your story is all too familiar to so many of us. You are not alone and you have come to the right place to talk to others who understand your situation from personal experience. A therapist will be just the thing for you right now to help you with your depression. In the mean time we are here for you. Read the many posts here and the Wiki, I think you will find this very helpful to understanding yourself and learning from others experience.
Good Journey,
Cassie
Hi, it's me again. My parents keep asking me WHY I want to see a therapist and why I'm feeling so depressed and anxious, instead of letting me just go to see one. And their questions could easily be answered but I just CANNOT allow myself to tell them this now because there's still 2 more years until I can do anything about it. I can't have it hanging over us for that long. I just don't know what to do. GOD, I hate this. I hate my life. I'm only 15 and I'm just going through too much. I can't even function with all this on my mind! It's too much! GRRR. I feel so terrified that even once this gets done, I won't look how I want to look. I'm SO insecure right now, especially about things like my ribcage. I just can't deal with my parents, and having to watch the beautiful life I could've been living pass right before my eyes. I'm dying inside...
Hello bbb,
It's quite possible you might be able to speak to a counselor rigjht there at school. When I was in high school, we had our regular assigned guidance counselors, but we also had a school psychologist. I went and talked to him and he was my friend and confidante until I graduated. Also, the appointments were during school hours, so my family never knew I was talking to anyone.
It might be something worth checking into for you, at very least until something more desirable comes up. From what I understand, discussion with the school psychologist were confidential, but you could always ask ahead of time if there any specific circumstances they are required to report to parents...but I really wouldn't think so... Hang in there...
Valerie
Hi BBB,
You might want to try to tell them part of the story. The issues that Melissa spoke of could be expanded a little so that your parents would be able to see some benefit that you would be seeking through councelling.
You could try explaining that you have issues about who you are and where your heading in life. In this way without giving to much away you will have given something for your parents to help them understand your need.
This is just my thinking and I suppose you will best know what will work for you. Good luck with it all and know that we here are thinking of you.
Shelley