I just noticed! So I started HRT in june, then quit for 3 weeks in August due to a breakup and depression, and started feeling the pain in my nips as I quit (ironically). Well I'm back on HRT, in total this is probably my third month, and I just noticed my boobs are actually growing!!! They are pointy!!! OMG. This is a mix of happiness and fear!! Cuz I still present like a man and am thinking to continue doing so until I look feminine enough, finish laser, etc...It's still unnoticeable with a shirt on, but I think taking my shirt off in front of people is not happening anymore.
This is getting real!!! Wow...I'll use this thread as a journey update. Thanks for reading! So scared lol.
Yeah! Happy for you! isn't it a great feeling?
No worries, you will be able to hide it for quite a while. And you can always excuse yourself with "side effects to medication you have to take". Loose clothing will be your friend.
For most it does take quite a while to reach some size. I am 9 month on HRT and I have finally past 38 A - right now in-between sizes.. (they stopped growing for a few month but recently picked up quite a bit).
But then: I did not want to hide them. They are small but they are mine and I am very proud of them.
Big hug! One of lifes "What the heck am I doing" moments! ;D
I can't wait to see how long until you post the "I banged one on a door" post. :laugh:
Tatas FTW!
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 17, 2017, 06:12:06 AM
I can't wait to see how long until you post the "I banged one on a door" post. :laugh:
Hugs, Devlyn
Or: I do not know how to lay down without squishing them...
I fit in a B cup so I understand where your coming from! My neighbor sometimes comes down to visit me! This year I was wearing a very small bikini float in pool and he showed up. Lol I got out of pool walk over to gate to talk and he kept staring at my boobs! Well next year I'm going to start wear a female bikini so I guess I had better talk to him about me being transgender! I just wish I had all my ducks in a row and money for finishing my transition! I'm out to most everyone except my neighbor! Love having boobs! My wife is still having a tough time, her main concern is my safety. I'd love to have C cups. Let them grow girl! I'm just so happy to for finally be truthful to myself! The war in my head is over! Now I can move forward! One baby step at a time! Good luck
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I hope things continue to move faster for u than anticipated, & the rest of your feminization catches up. In the meantime, is it cold where u live? Cuz it's freezing here (NH), so I guess I'm lucky in that I can wear puffy stuff til I'm ready...
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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on October 17, 2017, 05:32:08 AM
I just noticed! So I started HRT in june, then quit for 3 weeks in August due to a breakup and depression, and started feeling the pain in my nips as I quit (ironically). Well I'm back on HRT, in total this is probably my third month, and I just noticed my boobs are actually growing!!! They are pointy!!! OMG. This is a mix of happiness and fear!! Cuz I still present like a man and am thinking to continue doing so until I look feminine enough, finish laser, etc...It's still unnoticeable with a shirt on, but I think taking my shirt off in front of people is not happening anymore.
This is getting real!!! Wow...I'll use this thread as a journey update. Thanks for reading! So scared lol.
MINE TOO and I am not out to anyone other than my wife and a few trans friends! BUT it hurts so good, and perky and full, and RIGHT! Glad it is going well for you!
Love and Hugs, Marcie
Yeah, I think that is one of the first absolutely undeniable, and very noticeable changes that we can clearly see with our eyes and feel. The HRT definitely affected my feelings right off the bat, but having actual physical changes happen like my boobs growing like this, is a very very welcome thing! It does make the whole thing way more real. But yikes do they hurt when my wife or daughter brushes up against them!
Oh, and just remember........Women come in many different shapes, sizes, and levels of attractiveness. Anytime you don't feel confident about yourself, just remember that. That you ARE without a doubt, a woman, and therefore are entitled to dress and present as one even if you feel like you might not look quite right. I struggle with this one myself. I still present as a rather femme dressing man because I allow my fear of what people will think of me, to keep me from wearing the skirts and dresses that I would love to wear. So I keep telling myself, "You are a woman....a kind of ugly woman....but there are plenty of ugly women out there, yet they are still women, and so are you." And it boosts my confidence up for a bit. Ha ha For now I am somewhat content wearing my tight skinny jeans and girls shirts and carrying my purse and things, but having been on HRT for over 3 months now, and having my boobs getting bigger, and me not even going to bother trying to hide them, I may find myself going "full-time" here soon.
Oh Dani I am so happy for you!
Hugs and smiles , Jessica 💁
Oh what Fun Boobies are blossoming all over the place causing joy and consternation both. Before you realize it they will be indicating the points of interest wherever you go like two tiny headlights and your faces will blush when you see that others are noticing them too. Bring on the boobage!
Have fun girls. The fun has just begun.
Hugs,
Laurie
Yay, love mine:-)! Between eye makeup, fingernails in high gloss, I'm wearing to work my dickie work clothes size M shirt. You can see my boobs and I don't mind that they show! I'm being true to myself and that's all that matters to me! I do need to get rid of the beard line though! I tear my face up shaving! Darn man hair really drives me nuts! Lol
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Congratulations, it's a great feeling to experience. Mine started last month and I'm up to an AA cup. Sport bras have become my best friend at work. Keep going forward.
Thanks everyone for the replies! To answer a few questions:
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 17, 2017, 06:12:06 AM
Big hug! One of lifes "What the heck am I doing" moments! [emoji1]
I can't wait to see how long until you post the "I banged one on a door" post. [emoji23]
Tatas FTW!
Hugs, Devlyn
Lol yeah a bit of a WTF moment but I'm embracing it. And the door thing already happened TWICE. I brushed my nipple against it while closing it last week and It hurt a lot! Omg. I actually told Denise about it cuz we were discussing how it happened to her as well lol.
Quote from: JessiCalypsoƸ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ on October 17, 2017, 06:29:04 AM
I hope things continue to move faster for u than anticipated, & the rest of your feminization catches up. In the meantime, is it cold where u live? Cuz it's freezing here (NH), so I guess I'm lucky in that I can wear puffy stuff til I'm ready...
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I'm in Sydney right now and it's spring but it's mostly warm. I go back home to Bogotá (Colombia) in 2 weeks and it's cold there so that's a good thing cuz I'll wear layers and jackets. The real issue will be when I visit my hometown cuz it's so hot and humid.
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Girls, I need advice on hair removal. I've decided I will only get laser on my beard. For body hair I will let HRT do it's job and then shave it or epilate it. Which one is a better choice? I feel like epilating is probably better, if so what's the best machine? Having hairy boobs is gonna give me major dysphoria so I need to start doing it regularly (I was getting IPL for my chest but I needed to cut expenses).
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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on October 17, 2017, 12:26:38 PM
Girls, I need advice on hair removal. I've decided I will only get laser on my beard. For body hair I will let HRT do it's job and then shave it or epilate it. Which one is a better choice? I feel like epilating is probably better, if so what's the best machine? Having hairy boobs is gonna give me major dysphoria so I need to start doing it regularly (I was getting IPL for my chest but I needed to cut expenses).
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. Hi Dani 🙋 I epillated my chest a month ago and it started growing back in 2 weeks, maybe a bit thinner. It took several days to do my chest and it was a bit of a pain, had to tweeze the hairs on my areolae. I'm going to wait till hrt does what it can do for me and work on that.
Hugs, Jessica 💁
Yay! Congrats on the progress. It may be scary for sure but you are becoming the real you.
Do you have a tiny dog? Because tiny dogs are jerks that walk directly across growing breasts. And it HURTS. Other than that, it's great! Congrats!
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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on October 17, 2017, 05:32:08 AM
This is getting real!!! Wow...I'll use this thread as a journey update. Thanks for reading! So scared lol.
Congratulations!!! I've been on HRT for 3 months now and know how you feel, I had to go to a meeting a couple of days ago and went through three or four outfits trying to find something that didn't show off the girls!!! Thank goodness for sports jackets and winter jumpers, without them I don't think it would be long before I'd have some explaining to do!
Quote from: Jessica on October 17, 2017, 12:40:55 PM
. Hi Dani [emoji137] I epillated my chest a month ago and it started growing back in 2 weeks, maybe a bit thinner. It took several days to do my chest and it was a bit of a pain, had to tweeze the hairs on my areolae. I'm going to wait till hrt does what it can do for me and work on that.
Hugs, Jessica [emoji136]
Forgiveness my ignorance but what is epillating? Does it last longer than shaving? It isn't Nair is it? I tried that but I don't like it, I messed up last time & burned my arms BAD, never again!! I've been shaving what little body hair I have (have it only on my areolas, arms & legs) & the growth is def slowing down; but I've been shaving my legs for several years now (winters anyway, wore shorts @ my summer job & was afraid to shave em...) so the hair there is somewhat thick... Does leg hair thin out on HRT?
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Quote from: JessiCalypsoƸ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ on October 17, 2017, 02:53:25 PM
Forgiveness my ignorance but what is epillating? Does it last longer than shaving? It isn't Nair is it? I tried that but I don't like it, I messed up last time & burned my arms BAD, never again!! I've been shaving what little body hair I have (have it only on my areolas, arms & legs) & the growth is def slowing down; but I've been shaving my legs for several years now (winters anyway, wore shorts @ my summer job & was afraid to shave em...) so the hair there is somewhat thick... Does leg hair thin out on HRT?
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An epilator is basically a mechanical tweezer. Yanks it out by the root. Done enough times and it becomes less and softer. I'm thinking waxing is something to try. Both hurt, but maybe quicker.
Hrt is a ymmv situation. I'm hoping it reduces my body hair down to nothing. My T level was very high when I started hrt, so it will be what it will be.
Smiles, Jessica 💁
Quote from: Charlotte F on October 17, 2017, 02:42:20 PM
Congratulations!!! I've been on HRT for 3 months now and know how you feel, I had to go to a meeting a couple of days ago and went through three or four outfits trying to find something that didn't show off the girls!!! Thank goodness for sports jackets and winter jumpers, without them I don't think it would be long before I'd have some explaining to do!
For the times I just can't show yourself, I use a binder. First time is really tight. But after that not as bad a problem I would suggest tape or something on sensitive nipples before putting on the binder. With the binder I can still wear my polo shirts.
Congrats! I was also both excited and worried when I realized mine were growing. I wear the 'comfy' style bras at work - they don't show through a shirt (unless it's a tight shirt), and are tight enough to compress the girls down enough that you can barely notice them. Been working well so far!
Sarah_P, sports bras work nice to hide them as long as they don't get to big, say C's or larger. Lose dark shirt are to wear too.
Quote from: Jessica on October 17, 2017, 03:21:11 PM
An epilator is basically a mechanical tweezer. Yanks it out by the root. Done enough times and it becomes less and softer. I'm thinking waxing is something to try. Both hurt, but maybe quicker.
Hrt is a ymmv situation. I'm hoping it reduces my body hair down to nothing. My T level was very high when I started hrt, so it will be what it will be.
Smiles, Jessica [emoji136]
Oh I see. Hmm... I'll stick w/ shaving for now... Down to once/wk for arms & legs, face every other day, areolas plucked once/wk. Hope my legs mimic my arms, only got fuzz down to around my wrists, just realized today how much it's receded.
I really hope your hair goes away, & u don't hafta wax or do other painful things! Your T should drop off I'd think, & hopefully your hair will drop off too, lol! [emoji6] I'll send you good vibes!!
Much love! -Jessi
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Congratulations on the new boobs, what fun. As for chest, arm and groin hair, I used an epilator. Shaving was needed every day and the stubble really bothered me. The epilator hurt quite a bit the first couple of times but then got easier. HRT has now gotten rid of all of my chest hair and lessened my arm hair. Electrolysis is taking care of the groin area. Good luck and enjoy the changes. Don't be surprised if the combination of your growing breasts and new emotional experiences challenge you to move up your transition schedule.
Quote from: Tamika Olivia on October 17, 2017, 02:17:43 PM
Do you have a tiny dog? Because tiny dogs are jerks that walk directly across growing breasts. And it HURTS. Other than that, it's great! Congrats!
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I do, I love him but the little bastard does do that to me.
Quote from: Anne Blake on October 17, 2017, 06:15:16 PM
Don't be surprised if the combination of your growing breasts and new emotional experiences challenge you to move up your transition schedule.
That worries me mostly because I've just started with laser, only 2 sessions. And I don't want to be the bearded lady...Also a bit scary cuz I don't know if I'm emotionally prepared to do the switch but I guess I still have a good 6 months at least right?
I am 4 months on HRT and also am getting noticeable growth when I decided to start HRT I started wearing bib overalls these hide quite a bit and will give me a little more time to choose when I want to come out at work I hate bumping them but the worst is the cold this winter is going to be brutal
bobbisue :)
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on October 17, 2017, 06:47:49 PMI guess I still have a good 6 months at least right?
It depends. At three months, I could no longer wear a T-shirt in public. Not that they're that big, even now (9 months), not even an AA, but the shape was unmistakeably female. I was using sports bras under loose flannel shirts to cover them. Since I practically live in T-shirts in the summer, and flannel shirts aren't an option in warm weather, I would have had to come out just to avoid male-fail, even if I hadn't been planning on coming out then anyway.
Quote from: KathyLauren on October 17, 2017, 07:43:59 PM
It depends. At three months, I could no longer wear a T-shirt in public. Not that they're that big, even now (9 months), not even an AA, but the shape was unmistakeably female. I was using sports bras under loose flannel shirts to cover them. Since I practically live in T-shirts in the summer, and flannel shirts aren't an option in warm weather, I would have had to come out just to avoid male-fail, even if I hadn't been planning on coming out then anyway.
I agree, I'm at three months and my nipples and areolae are definitely looking feminine. Large and puffy. The bra sizing charts say I'm an "A" cup, but that's what I started at. Word is that my breast buds are large, but I've loss pectoral muscle mass equally.
Hugs, Jess
Thank you ladies.
Congrats!! Almost two full pages already, I feel like I'm late to a party. ;D I need my stupid hormones already so I can catch up!
Welcome to the growing boobs club. Everyone grows differently one of the ymmv funny things. I myself am a 38 a/b and very happy with it. Be happy and enjoy the changing body.. ( Ross is a good place for bra size. Also they very friendly to our people.)
Jealous... :angel:
Congrats!
I'm 18 months HRT and have been quite blessed by the boob fairy. I changed my behavior a long time ago in that I always swing myself around everything now to keep from hitting my C-cups. I still hit things -- even the refrigerator door was a major problem until lately. I just keep myself an extra couple inches away more than before. I can't really hide them now so I am trying to get myself to not be so self-aware when I go out. I love how my chest looks nowadays but I get lots of looks. A dude with perky boobies is mentally conflicting to most "normal" people. Trying to ignore them...
I'm finally a B cup! Love them! I wear a bra everyday! Yes they may look. I don't even mind!
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So last night I dressed up for Halloween. Makeup, miniskirt, wig, belly shirt etc... And well it didn't feel as good as the other times I did it *sigh* mainly because I kept finding all these flaws, I thought my jaw, my chin and my nose looked very manly, my body as well. It didn't help that I was with my cis female friends and of course all of them looked girly and gorgeous and next to them I looked like a caveman wearing a dress. I managed to have fun anyways and got drunk but it made me a bit sad. It made me realize that physically I am nowhere near ready to fully come out and also made me think that maybe I will not blossom into the beautiful girl I see in my dreams, unless I get tons of surgeries ugh. So disappointing.
I have another Halloween party next week where I was going to wear the same thing except the people who will be there next week know I am transitioning so it will be extremely embarrassing for me to show up looking so butch :( I don't think I will go to that one.
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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on October 28, 2017, 06:51:40 PM
also made me think that maybe I will not blossom into the beautiful girl I see in my dreams, unless I get tons of surgeries ugh. So disappointing.
You are not allowed to give up hope!! ;D Remember, the odds are you are not only being your own worst critic, but that you still have a lot more time until you start seeing full effect. Give it time, and don't try to compare yourself to women who have decades of the right hormones shaping them still so relatively early! <3
(Now to hope I heed my own advice in a few months...)
Quote from: Roll on October 28, 2017, 09:21:35 PM
You are not allowed to give up hope!! ;D Remember, the odds are you are not only being your own worst critic, but that you still have a lot more time until you start seeing full effect. Give it time, and don't try to compare yourself to women who have decades of the right hormones shaping them still so relatively early! <3
(Now to hope I heed my own advice in a few months...)
Thanks Roll ❤️ I know you are right :)
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I at just under 5 months now myself, and the last couple of weeks or so, I have really noticed the change in physical shape and the barest hint of cleavage myself. I think I have gained about 1.5 -2 inches across my nipples. AT times it is barely noticable, but I'm noticing it a lot more now. They really stand out to me visually while I'm getting dressed right after I shower. I see that my undershirt hangs a bit differently then and my nipples are definitely noticable then. For better or worse though, they quickly blend back in shortly there after for the rest of the day.
I can't feel my breast buds anymore more, or at least not as definitively as I could 6 weeks ago. But my nipples are constantly sore to the touch now, but only when I touch them. So far my shirts are not bothering them yet. Though I'm not sure I would mind that right now, as it would be a further constant reminder of my changes. Aelcomed reminder. I'm also noticing too that my nipples really ache when it is cooler. It was rather cold at the office today, and I could feel a good ache/shiver/shill in them all morning and afternoon.
I've been feeling sad for the past 3 days. My face looked terrible after my third laser session (it's better now) and I've been basically feeling lonely and unlovable, also thinking about my ex which doesn't help. And then, the fact that I need to have all these medical appointments and spend so much money on my transition is so stressful as well...There isn't a day when the thought of "I wish I would die" doesn't appear in my head. There isn't a day when I don't wish I was cisgender. This is one lonely and difficult road...But I keep going. End of rant.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on November 08, 2017, 07:45:28 AM
I've been feeling sad for the past 3 days. My face looked terrible after my third laser session (it's better now) and I've been basically feeling lonely and unlovable, also thinking about my ex which doesn't help. And then, the fact that I need to have all these medical appointments and spend so much money on my transition is so stressful as well...There isn't a day when the thought of "I wish I would die" doesn't appear in my head. There isn't a day when I don't wish I was cisgender. This is one lonely and difficult road...But I keep going. End of rant.
NIcki,
It saddens me to read the post above. The trials surrounding transition can very well be overwhelming. ( I speak from experience ) The laser issues are short term and will pass. The cost of procedures are not so large when taken one at a time. The stress can be managed.
The thoughts in our heads are no less daunting but don't allow yourself to fall into that death wish. It is a horrible place to be. I know. I visit it often these days when I'm not there I am in "I just don't care about anything " land. On occasion I shed a tear or two but even that isn't good. before this I cried a lot and wish it would stop. Well it did, it morphed into the state I am in now. A numbness. a numbness to the events around me. Nothing really matters anymore, I just don't care if I am alive or not and it is far worse than the crying of before.
Don't go where I am Nicki. Life can hurt when you care but the hurt means you are still alive and can feel.
laurie
Quote from: Laurie on November 08, 2017, 01:08:29 PM
NIcki,
It saddens me to read the post above. The trials surrounding transition can very well be overwhelming. ( I speak from experience ) The laser issues are short term and will pass. The cost of procedures are not so large when taken one at a time. The stress can be managed.
The thoughts in our heads are no less daunting but don't allow yourself to fall into that death wish. It is a horrible place to be. I know. I visit it often these days when I'm not there I am in "I just don't care about anything " land. On occasion I shed a tear or two but even that isn't good. before this I cried a lot and wish it would stop. Well it did, it morphed into the state I am in now. A numbness. a numbness to the events around me. Nothing really matters anymore, I just don't care if I am alive or not and it is far worse than the crying of before.
Don't go where I am Nicki. Life can hurt when you care but the hurt means you are still alive and can feel.
laurie
Thanks for the advice Laurie, I really appreciate it.
I don't really know what to say other than to say if you ever need to talk make sure to reach out! I have been getting hit hard with the financial worries too (almost $500 I don't really have just in the past 3 days between therapist and today's HRT appointment, it's going to be a peanut butter and jelly month), but as Laurie alluded to, in the grand scheme of things they aren't too bad. (Aside from having to pay out of pocket, it is actually the least expensive "condition" I have, strangely.) And as I look at the future I am just waiting for when something just finally breaks me and I retreat back into my hole. What I'm trying to say, is that you aren't alone in those feelings!
Just... well, just stay safe, and take it day by day. I have complete faith that we will all find our ways through the ups and down and find what we need in the end!
Indeed, reach out! Many of you have helped me, I hope I can help you back. have you looked into local trans support groups? Reaching out locally has helped me alot.
Maybe we can start a lotto pool or something, lol. I wish I could start a foundation and make all of our lives at least easier on the money question. Figures acceptance of us and our issues would come with a price tag on it.
Quote from: Roll on November 08, 2017, 02:45:35 PM
I don't really know what to say other than to say if you ever need to talk make sure to reach out! I have been getting hit hard with the financial worries too (almost $500 I don't really have just in the past 3 days between therapist and today's HRT appointment, it's going to be a peanut butter and jelly month), but as Laurie alluded to, in the grand scheme of things they aren't too bad. (Aside from having to pay out of pocket, it is actually the least expensive "condition" I have, strangely.) And as I look at the future I am just waiting for when something just finally breaks me and I retreat back into my hole. What I'm trying to say, is that you aren't alone in those feelings!
Just... well, just stay safe, and take it day by day. I have complete faith that we will all find our ways through the ups and down and find what we need in the end!
Hey Roll thank you for your kind words❤️
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Quote from: katiekatt on November 08, 2017, 04:22:47 PM
Indeed, reach out! Many of you have helped me, I hope I can help you back. have you looked into local trans support groups? Reaching out locally has helped me alot.
Maybe we can start a lotto pool or something, lol. I wish I could start a foundation and make all of our lives at least easier on the money question. Figures acceptance of us and our issues would come with a price tag on it.
Support groups in my area are not a good idea. There's only one and it's mostly prostitutes and trans girls who were kicked out of their houses when they were really little, who didn't finish high school and have a very rough life etc... And I don't like it because it triggers all these thoughts that I will somehow end up like them (even though realistically our circumstances are very different).
I do have some trans friends but they are all fully transitioned so their struggles are very different than mine. I would love to meet someone who is just starting like me, someone I could relate to but so far I haven't found anyone.
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The road to our true self is a long and hard path we take. Nothing good is ever easy to attain. For some it's the journey that is worth while while for us it is the destination. I'm at the point where I see some changes but nothing that gets me excited. My boobs are growing but they are still itty bitty titties. I'm not out full time so I have periods of what I call stagnation. I hate these periods, they depress me greatly. The plan is to do little things that can cheer me up.
So hang in there. Remember this is a long marathon but the end is worth it.
Thank you Robyn. Life is hard, today I had a talk with my ex and was reminded of the fact that my relationship ended because of this. It happened 3 months ago and I thought I was getting over it but today I feel like I'm back to square one. I was crying a lot and feeling very sad. I feel lonely and I miss him. On days like today it feels like being trans is a curse.
Hi Nicki,
After my last post here I hesitate to post again. You need the support of those that can help not warnings I have for you. Your post above concerns me a lot as I see myself in it several weeks ago. Missing the ones you have lost because of our being trans is a deep and dangerous hurt. It along with our feelings of responsibility for causing that loss can lead you into a depression that you cannot see a way out. I warned you not to follow my path last time and here I read a post that looks like you are doing just that. I find it hard to care about much of anything these days but I do care that you and others may follow my path here.
You can do something about the loneliness. You can go do things with friends, Get out and be with others who care about you. If you can, see your therapist. Find a friend and go to lunch or dinner. Have a night out. Be with others. Get off my path, it leads nowhere.
Quote from: Laurie on November 09, 2017, 09:45:42 AM
Hi Nicki,
After my last post here I hesitate to post again. You need the support of those that can help not warnings I have for you. Your post above concerns me a lot as I see myself in it several weeks ago. Missing the ones you have lost because of our being trans is a deep and dangerous hurt. It along with our feelings of responsibility for causing that loss can lead you into a depression that you cannot see a way out. I warned you not to follow my path last time and here I read a post that looks like you are doing just that. I find it hard to care about much of anything these days but I do care that you and others may follow my path here.
You can do something about the loneliness. You can go do things with friends, Get out and be with others who care about you. If you can, see your therapist. Find a friend and go to lunch or dinner. Have a night out. Be with others. Get off my path, it leads nowhere.
Laurie, I'm definitely trying my best to think about something else. Tonight I will probably go out with a couple of friends and I'm trying to stay busy at work. I really appreciate your concern and don't want to fall even deeper into a pit. I'm trying to get out. I just hate how volatile this is...One day you are happy and sure of what you're doing and the next day life knocks you out and you're back to lamenting things.
But being on this site certainly helps.
I find being consumed with work or a home project helps when I fall into melancholia or numbness. I can't go back to denial, but staying really busy is mostly positive. I think I need an event to train for too- maybe a 1/2 marathon. Win-win: I lose weight, and can redirect my thoughts to the goal when I start to think negatively.
Dani 🤦♀️ I'm so sorry I haven't been at Susan's for a few weeks. Please..... we are same timeline girlfriends and we really need each other for support. We both need to lend our shoulders to cry on. You are loved and I feel you are my sister. I guilty of not reaching out also. I've been fighting myself for the last weeks. I'm sad we are on different continents. We both need a hug.
Big squeeze , Jessica 🙆
Hey Nikki, that's a good strategy. I also try to get busy, usually going out with my friends and working.
Jess, thanks for your kind words! I am also here for you, PM if you want to talk about your things.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on November 08, 2017, 05:59:59 PM
Support groups in my area are not a good idea. There's only one and it's mostly prostitutes and trans girls who were kicked out of their houses when they were really little, who didn't finish high school and have a very rough life etc... And I don't like it because it triggers all these thoughts that I will somehow end up like them (even though realistically our circumstances are very different).
I do have some trans friends but they are all fully transitioned so their struggles are very different than mine. I would love to meet someone who is just starting like me, someone I could relate to but so far I haven't found anyone.
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That sucks Nicki, I wish I was there, we could go and hang out! Your local equality group cant help you make some connections?
You deserve joy! I just know theres happiness out there for you! Hold on, you never know whats right around the corner!
Quote from: katiekatt on November 09, 2017, 04:45:40 PM
That sucks Nicki, I wish I was there, we could go and hang out! Your local equality group cant help you make some connections?
You deserve joy! I just know theres happiness out there for you! Hold on, you never know whats right around the corner!
Thanks Kattie, hope is what I have left at this point.
The local equality group is the same that runs the transgender support group. I've asked my trans friends about it and they don't like it either for the same reasons. I will just try to move on and feel better.
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I have decided to take a break from social media, for a few days. My ex is on a trip having fun and it's hurtful to see him move on. He's not on my social media (I blocked him from everything) but we have mutual friends and they're all together in this trip. So I deleted the Facebook and Instagram apps from my phone so I don't get to see any pictures and feel worse.
I'm tired of being sad and feeling lonely. Seems like I've been feeling like this forever, like I'm stuck and can't get over him. And I want to. I want to move on. I am trying, I am going out with my friends and partying and having fun. But it sucks whenever I have free time and I can't really be spending money all day going out. Hoping for a miracle to turn things around.
Hoping to meet someone who appreciates me for what I am.
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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on November 11, 2017, 02:54:10 PM
Hoping to meet someone who appreciates me for what I am.
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You got that wrong Nicki it's:
"Hoping to meet someone who appreciates me for
what who I am."
We know the "who" is a wonderful and unique human being.
Sorry, do you prefer Charlie or Nicki? I've been calling you Charlie when you posted in my thread and I see you are being called Nicki here.
I am sorry you are currently feeling so down. I can't imagine how I would feel if my wife had left me. I am very fortunate that she is staying with me. I do understand what it's like to feel lonely. I don't have any friends at all in the real world. When I hit rock bottom, I felt that I was all alone in the world. I could t talk with my wife because I was was in a very bad place and was blaming her for not trying hard enough to understand me. (She was trying very hard, I just couldn't see it at the time). So I had found myself in a situation where I had nobody to talk to, not even here at Susan's because I deleted my account. The reasons I felt lonely where largely of my own doing and very different to yours, but the end result was that I felt alone and very depressed. I didn't care if I lived or died. My therapist was the only person on earth I was able to talk to. You may not be able to see it now, but things will improve.
I would like to be able to offer some magic words that could help you feel better but I don't know what I can say. You are going through a tough time right now. All of us here are on similar paths but they are only similar, not the same. So when we feel down it's due to our own unique situation that can feel lonely.
I hope you feel better soon. We are here to support you anyway we can. I wish there was more I can do for you.
Jayne
I'm lucky, I lost a bunch of weight before starting, so my winter clothes are all just a bit too big, and hide things well. I've got a couple shirts that I'm like "oh hell no, they'll know in an instant if I wear this."
@Laurie, thank you.
@Jayne01 both Charlie or Nicki are fine. Maybe I said this already in your thread but I am glad that your wife supports you! It makes all the difference in the world.
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So I've been noticing lately that my hair looks darker and shinier. Am I crazy or can this happen on HRT? My hair is sort of very dark brown but always looks black, except on the light when you can see the brown. Also standing next to a person with raven black hair you can see the difference with my color. But I've noticed that now when the light hits my hair it looks super black and shiny. I really love it but I don't know if I'm imagining things.
Also, last night I had an erotic dream which I think is a big deal since I thought my libido was pretty much dead lol. I guess there's something still there.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on November 15, 2017, 09:17:31 AM
So I've been noticing lately that my hair looks darker and shinier. Am I crazy or can this happen on HRT? My hair is sort of very dark brown but always looks black, except on the light when you can see the brown. Also standing next to a person with raven black hair you can see the difference with my color. But I've noticed that now when the light hits my hair it looks super black and shiny. I really love it but I don't know if I'm imagining things.
I've read a few things now that say it can affect hair in a number of ways, so you probably aren't imagining things. May also be if you are taking care of your hair more or something of that nature.
Maybe you're right Roll!
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Today is such a good day!! I'm feeling so happy and euphoric. It's Friday and is all good. I posted my Halloween pics a week ago (in femme) and I got so many compliments! It made me so happy :) even my ex boyfriend told me I looked really pretty and that I was going to be beautiful. It made me smile! I hope this lasts.
Also, my endo upped my dosage but it's split so one day I take a small amount and then the next day a higher one. I've noticed that on the days I take the higher one I am usually in a very good mood. No idea if that is all in my head but this week I've only felt down on my low dosage days.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on November 17, 2017, 03:14:42 PM
Today is such a good day!! I'm feeling so happy and euphoric. It's Friday and is all good. I posted my Halloween pics a week ago (in femme) and I got so many compliments! It made me so happy :) even my ex boyfriend told me I looked really pretty and that I was going to be beautiful. It made me smile! I hope this lasts.
Also, my endo upped my dosage but it's split so one day I take a small amount and then the next day a higher one. I've noticed that on the days I take the higher one I am usually in a very good mood. No idea if that is all in my head but this week I've only felt down on my low dosage days.
I'm so happy for you. It's wonderful to get affirmation from your peers!
As far as your dosing, after I've put on new estradiol patches, I'm in a great mood for a few days. At the same time my breasts ache and swell. It's all wonderful!
Hugs, Jessica 👩⚖️
I think that is a really good sign you feel better on the higher dosages. You may have been suffering from something as simple as a basic imbalance, which is extremely common and can be very depressive. Maybe as you move forward and things even out to where they should be beyond the starting levels, you will see even more benefit. :)
Nicki. It is good to read you had a really good day today. May you have many many more.
Thanks girls! Yes I hope this becomes the norm now.
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I've realized how easy it is for me to cry now. I had a good cry on Saturday because of...my ex. Again. Letting go of him has been hard, and he's still nice to me and he sort of gives me hope. But I feel in a gray zone. I'm just hoping I can forget him soon and find someone who likes me for me.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on November 27, 2017, 09:43:01 AM
I've realized how easy it is for me to cry now. I had a good cry on Saturday because of...my ex. Again. Letting go of him has been hard, and he's still nice to me and he sort of gives me hope. But I feel in a gray zone. I'm just hoping I can forget him soon and find someone who likes me for me.
[/quote
There will be highs and lows especially for girls in the beginning of their transition. Am I doing the right thing? What if I never pass? Do my loved ones really support me? Do I have the courage?..... the list is endless as we are still individual souls and no one is alike. It's here at Susan's with our collective experience that hold us together.
Hugs and smiles, Jess 💁
Thanks Jess.
Another thing I noticed is that some things smell too strong for me now, so strong that it makes me nauseous. For example fried meat and sometimes chicken.
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I have noticed that my derrière has gain some contour in the last month. My running leggings are starting to look good on me.
Smiles, Jess
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on November 27, 2017, 09:43:01 AM
I've realized how easy it is for me to cry now. I had a good cry on Saturday because of...my ex. Again. Letting go of him has been hard, and he's still nice to me and he sort of gives me hope. But I feel in a gray zone. I'm just hoping I can forget him soon and find someone who likes me for me.
Sorry things have been rough for you. :/ Sometimes it's easier when people are just jerks. Regardless, I do truly believe you will find someone!
And as for the smells, that sounds like my step-mother. ;D I have to plan ahead cooking anything like that around her.
Quote from: Roll on November 27, 2017, 07:29:07 PM
And as for the smells, that sounds like my step-mother. ;D I have to plan ahead cooking anything like that around her.
I actually asked my mom if the same thing happened to her when she was pregnant and she said it did.
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I've always read on this site that a lot of girls experience "female envy" when they see cis females and I was convinced I had never felt that. Well I was wrong. Last night while being in a bar I realized that when I check out girls to "admire" their bodies, clothes, etc...I always think "she's so lucky, she's so pretty, she probably doesn't have any problems in her life, I want to look like her". What I thought was "admiration" is actually envy. Not ill-intended or anything, but it's definitely a wish to be like them.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on November 29, 2017, 08:10:03 AM
I've always read on this site that a lot of girls experience "female envy" when they see cis females and I was convinced I had never felt that. Well I was wrong. Last night while being in a bar I realized that when I check out girls to "admire" their bodies, clothes, etc...I always think "she's so lucky, she's so pretty, she probably doesn't have any problems in her life, I want to look like her". What I thought was "admiration" is actually envy. Not ill-intended or anything, but it's definitely a wish to be like them.
I understand what your saying. It seems since I started hrt I also am envious of the fact that they have learned, since birth, the social knowledge to become women.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on November 29, 2017, 08:10:03 AM
I've always read on this site that a lot of girls experience "female envy" when they see cis females and I was convinced I had never felt that. Well I was wrong. Last night while being in a bar I realized that when I check out girls to "admire" their bodies, clothes, etc...I always think "she's so lucky, she's so pretty, she probably doesn't have any problems in her life, I want to look like her". What I thought was "admiration" is actually envy. Not ill-intended or anything, but it's definitely a wish to be like them.
Hi Charlie Nicki,
Well that makes you like a lot of cis-women. I think it's pretty common for females to envy each other's looks.
Take care,
Paige :)
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on November 29, 2017, 08:10:03 AM
I've always read on this site that a lot of girls experience "female envy" when they see cis females and I was convinced I had never felt that. Well I was wrong. Last night while being in a bar I realized that when I check out girls to "admire" their bodies, clothes, etc...I always think "she's so lucky, she's so pretty, she probably doesn't have any problems in her life, I want to look like her". What I thought was "admiration" is actually envy. Not ill-intended or anything, but it's definitely a wish to be like them.
OMG-that envy you speak of was why my life turned 90 degrees and I ended up transitioning. I got so angry that I wasn't female (or at least appeared as such) that I couldn't control it. Even my wife said that I didn't have a choice. So here I am, Denise with 36c breasts, hair down to my shoulder blades wearing heels with pierced ears eating lunch in the window on a busy street in downtown Chicago.
I totally agree about admiring. The phrase "getting into her pants" was literal for me. Okay figurative too as I'm only interested in women.
One thing I've discovered is that transition, at least for me, has been one "ah ha" moment after another.
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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on November 29, 2017, 08:10:03 AM
I've always read on this site that a lot of girls experience "female envy" when they see cis females and I was convinced I had never felt that. Well I was wrong. Last night while being in a bar I realized that when I check out girls to "admire" their bodies, clothes, etc...I always think "she's so lucky, she's so pretty, she probably doesn't have any problems in her life, I want to look like her". What I thought was "admiration" is actually envy. Not ill-intended or anything, but it's definitely a wish to be like them.
I feel the same way. I used to think that when I looked at and admired other women, it was in the same way as any other guy. Then I realised that most guys are thinking "I want to be with her" and I was thinking "I want to BE her".
Jayne
I am attracted to men so checking them out was never a physical attraction but more of a "wow she's beautiful". I've realized that deep down this is actually "ugh this [female dog] is so pretty, and I'm stuck with this huge body" lol. Not really angry though, but more like annoyed.
Myself I'm the same way, but when we make love I love it! Awesome is a understatement!!!!
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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on October 17, 2017, 05:32:08 AM
I just noticed! So I started HRT in june, then quit for 3 weeks in August due to a breakup and depression, and started feeling the pain in my nips as I quit (ironically). Well I'm back on HRT, in total this is probably my third month, and I just noticed my boobs are actually growing!!! They are pointy!!! OMG. This is a mix of happiness and fear!! Cuz I still present like a man and am thinking to continue doing so until I look feminine enough, finish laser, etc...It's still unnoticeable with a shirt on, but I think taking my shirt off in front of people is not happening anymore.
This is getting real!!! Wow...I'll use this thread as a journey update. Thanks for reading! So scared lol.
My tits itch all the time now! 5 months in, breastbuds well formed, 1" increase in bust, 25% increase in size of areolae and unending sore to the touch. But I'm smiling!
🙋♀️ Jess
Small update:
HRT is going fine, but my mood isn't. I was very stable and mostly happy up until 10 days ago when my vacations started. I don't know if it's all this free time that has made me think about my ex and get nostalgic or if it's the fact that I stopped taking my antidepressants (they make me sleepy and I'm usually out at night). It has been emotionally tough, have cried a few more times and I'm constantly yearning to have my relationship back. The worst part is that he's very nice to me and wants to keep in touch with me all the time. He says he loves me and misses me but is afraid to try things out just to breakup again in the future due to my transition. Sometimes I feel like knowing that is worse than just being completely rejected.
So here I am in a beautiful city with nice weather and all I want is to go back to the office so I can have my routine, and my sanity, back.
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Hi Nicki,
Idle times can and will give you time to think about things you may prefer not thinking about. I can attest to that with personal experience. I have loads of free time to let my problems fester. And yes, Dear, it can be distressing. I'm sure being off your meds is making it more so for you. The obvious solution is of course to take your medication because you know it can help. Mine, I'm sure you know I'm on them too) do not make me tired. They do make feel feel a bit thick headed for a short time but that is okay. Perhaps you need to work with your doctor to find a different one that doesn't make you tired. The other idea I have is to keep busy, something to keep your thoughts occupied.
I hope your thoughts stay calm so you can enjoy your well deserved time of.
Hugs,
Laurie
Thanks Laurie. I tried another type of antidepressants but they gave me insomnia which then made my mood worsen. So these are better and cheaper, I actually like the fact that they make me sleepy cuz I always get a good rest, so I take them at night. I usually skip the pill when I know I'll be out, which isn't as frequent in my normal life as it has been now on vacation. Thankfully this will all be over on Tuesday and I'll be back to my routine.
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Well Nicki I think you just might make it back into your routine. Only 3 more days to make it through. LOL
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on December 29, 2017, 09:53:58 AM
Small update:
HRT is going fine, but my mood isn't. I was very stable and mostly happy up until 10 days ago when my vacations started. I don't know if it's all this free time that has made me think about my ex and get nostalgic or if it's the fact that I stopped taking my antidepressants (they make me sleepy and I'm usually out at night). It has been emotionally tough, have cried a few more times and I'm constantly yearning to have my relationship back. The worst part is that he's very nice to me and wants to keep in touch with me all the time. He says he loves me and misses me but is afraid to try things out just to breakup again in the future due to my transition. Sometimes I feel like knowing that is worse than just being completely rejected.
So here I am in a beautiful city with nice weather and all I want is to go back to the office so I can have my routine, and my sanity, back.
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Charlie,
I know the feeling all to well. This past month or so has been a real pain for me as well, emotionally. The holidays have brought on a lot of depression and nostalgia for my wife, despite our history over the past years since she left. But a year ago, my energy was through the floor. I'd be falling asleep mid day while on vacation, and passing out as soon as I got onto the bus on the way home from work.
the transitioning piece can make all of the energy piece hard to figure out. Is it the low natural hormones? Is is the depression, etc.... But a year ago, I found something that really helped, all natural and it has made me feel so much better and given me the energy to keep up with my child on the days they are with me, as well as helping me get through the day and evening everyday. I'm happy to discuss this with you outside this thread. And the best part is that it extremely simple system, and will help all of you, become a much better version of you, more energy, less stress, less toxins, better health etc...
Hi Myranda,
I'm interested in hearing your method. It won't hurt to try.
An update on my situation with my ex:
After months of keeping me there, not really letting me go completely, I finally realized he has indeed moved on at least in the physical sense. I don't want to get into details but I pretty much confirmed he's been sleeping with other people and that is of course the final nail in the coffin for me. I'm done trying to fix things with him, also done hoping he would change his mind. I know he won't. I blocked him from all other places he could possibly contact me and I'm moving on. Here's hoping I can forget him soon.
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Hi Nicki,
This revelation could just be what you need to move on. Facing the fact that he is not going to be there for you is what you needed to see. Now do get out and move forward with your life. There are more candidates out there for your heart, go find them.
Hugs,
Laurie
That's exactly what I'm gonna do Laurie.
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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 01, 2018, 02:00:54 PM
Hi Myranda,
I'm interested in hearing your method. It won't hurt to try.
An update on my situation with my ex:
After months of keeping me there, not really letting me go completely, I finally realized he has indeed moved on at least in the physical sense. I don't want to get into details but I pretty much confirmed he's been sleeping with other people and that is of course the final nail in the coffin for me. I'm done trying to fix things with him, also done hoping he would change his mind. I know he won't. I blocked him from all other places he could possibly contact me and I'm moving on. Here's hoping I can forget him soon.
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I'm happy you have found this resolution Dani. You will be happier without all the stress.
Hugs from your sister, Jess
I've been soooo lazy lately. Like I find it hard to find motivation to get up and go to the gym or do anything that requires an extra effort (like going to my Portuguese lessons really early in the morning). It crossed my mind that it might be related to HRT? I remember someone once told me that having low T just made you want to sleep all day lol. Is this true?
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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 13, 2018, 04:44:05 PM
I remember someone once told me that having low T just made you want to sleep all day lol. Is this true?
Having suffered from a natural unexplained Low T before starting my transition HRT, I can confirm that low T does result in fatigue.
Yes, very low T reduces your motivation. It is something I got over in time. Setting goals is important.
Quote from: Myranda on January 13, 2018, 06:06:07 PM
Having suffered from a natural unexplained Low T before starting my transition HRT, I can confirm that low T does result in fatigue.
That's good news! I was wondering why it has been taking me so long to mop the living room and kitchen floors!
:o ;D ???
Quote from: Rachel on January 13, 2018, 06:27:02 PM
Yes, very low T reduces your motivation. It is something I got over in time. Setting goals is important.
Quote from: Myranda on January 13, 2018, 06:06:07 PM
Having suffered from a natural unexplained Low T before starting my transition HRT, I can confirm that low T does result in fatigue.
Yeah that's probably it.
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So after my last dosage increase I've noticed that I'm hungry ALL THE TIME. Which is fine, I'm skinny and I could use some meat on my bones, here's hoping it all goes to my butt and legs.
Also my mood has been kinda down lately, since Sunday I think. No real reason, just thinking a lot and sort of sad about how long and slow this process is and about my future. I want to blame the higher dosage of hormones for that as well, cuz I was extremely happy before. But it's fine, I can handle this type of sadness. I know it will probably fade once my body adjusts to the new levels.
EDIT: Oh and a little bit of TMI but I had a very graphic erotic dream last night (the second I've had in the past 2 weeks), which I guess means my libido is hiding somewhere but not completely gone lol. I need a man. Or two.
Graphic dreams are the best:) nothing like a gender affirming dream that makes me start looking at men again. As for the hormone increase affecting you, I think I'm right there too, but it's also decreasing Spiro. I really need to see what my t levels are. I find myself being short tempered especially while driving. I hate it.
Bari Jo
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 23, 2018, 10:14:20 AM
So after my last dosage increase I've noticed that I'm hungry ALL THE TIME. Which is fine, I'm skinny and I could use some meat on my bones, here's hoping it all goes to my butt and legs.
Also my mood has been kinda down lately, since Sunday I think. No real reason, just thinking a lot and sort of sad about how long and slow this process is and about my future. I want to blame the higher dosage of hormones for that as well, cuz I was extremely happy before. But it's fine, I can handle this type of sadness. I know it will probably fade once my body adjusts to the new levels.
EDIT: Oh and a little bit of TMI but I had a very graphic erotic dream last night (the second I've had in the past 2 weeks), which I guess means my libido is hiding somewhere but not completely gone lol. I need a man. Or two.
Like I was telling you. It's your body needing more reserves to store to feed your prospective baby
I love your new avatar pic!
Quote from: Jessica on January 23, 2018, 11:10:40 AM
Like I was telling you. It's your body needing more reserves to store to feed your prospective baby
I love your avatar pic!
Thank you!! :)
I kinda like the FaceApp though I'll be severely depressed if when HRT is through I don't look like me :)
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 23, 2018, 10:14:20 AM
EDIT: Oh and a little bit of TMI but I had a very graphic erotic dream last night (the second I've had in the past 2 weeks), which I guess means my libido is hiding somewhere but not completely gone lol. I need a man. Or two.
My libido has been surprisingly high the last month or so. I've been worried that maybe my T is spiking or something (I see the doctor in a week, so we'll see). At least it feels significantly different from what I felt before HRT. Maybe it's 20 years of being alone rushing in at once, too.
And I agree, your new avi is very pretty!
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 23, 2018, 10:14:20 AM
I need a man. Or two.
Or three. Three is a good number.
My libido doesn't seem to be affected at all so far, I know I'm only about 5 and a half weeks in but I was also on finasteride leading up to it so seems like that would have given any libido loss a head start. I don't really mind, I'm not particularly dysphoric about it, but has surprised me thus far.
Also, lovin' the avatar. ;D
Quote from: Roll on January 23, 2018, 01:57:34 PM
Or three. Three is a good number.
My libido doesn't seem to be affected at all so far, I know I'm only about 5 and a half weeks in but I was also on finasteride leading up to it so seems like that would have given any libido loss a head start. I don't really mind, I'm not particularly dysphoric about it, but has surprised me thus far.
Also, lovin' the avatar. ;D
You can have any man attracted me, I am not into them, lol. Finasteride is for hair loss, right? Had my first meeting with an Endo Doctor and she was awesome. Would like to share but I can't find me post and don't want to fill up this one.
Hi Nicki,
I just want to say I love your avatar! WOW!
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on January 23, 2018, 06:07:10 PM
Hi Nicki,
I just want to say I love your avatar! WOW!
Hugs,
Laurie
She's a good cropper!
Hi Hun Nair is good for your legs but last a little longer than shaving but Nair will give you a chemical burn if you use it on your chest they have hair removal products for the hole body. But i would go with laser hair removal it is the best way to go.
Thank you all for the compliments :) I'll take them even if this isn't exactly how I look right now, it's still me *kisses*
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Quote from: Cassi on January 23, 2018, 06:02:47 PM
You can have any man attracted me, I am not into them, lol. Finasteride is for hair loss, right? Had my first meeting with an Endo Doctor and she was awesome. Would like to share but I can't find me post and don't want to fill up this one.
Go to your profile, hover over profile info at the top, then show posts, then topics. shows the topics you've made. Assuming it will be there. :D
Quote from: Roll on January 23, 2018, 07:32:47 PM
Go to your profile, hover over profile info at the top, then show posts, then topics. shows the topics you've made. Assuming it will be there. :D
Thank ya kindly!
Quote from: hotchick229 on January 23, 2018, 06:27:12 PM
Hi Hun Nair is good for your legs but last a little longer than shaving but Nair will give you a chemical burn if you use it on your chest they have hair removal products for the hole body. But i would go with laser hair removal it is the best way to go.
Hi sweetie, I'm guessing you posted in the wrong thread? :)
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 23, 2018, 06:40:48 PM
Thank you all for the compliments :) I'll take them even if this isn't exactly how I look right now, it's still me *kisses*
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I like the FaceApp too. I learned about it from one of Bari Jo's posts. The funny thing is that FaceApp must have known my mother as the majority of them could pass for her.
Quote from: Cassi on January 24, 2018, 10:59:43 AM
I like the FaceApp too. I learned about it from one of Bari Jo's posts. The funny thing is that FaceApp must have known my mother as the majority of them could pass for her.
Yeah I definitely get heavy vibes of my mom in mine.
Quote from: Roll on January 24, 2018, 11:03:50 AM
Yeah I definitely get heavy vibes of my mom in mine.
Kinda trippy and creepy when you're not use to it.
Quote from: Cassi on January 24, 2018, 10:59:43 AM
I like the FaceApp too. I learned about it from one of Bari Jo's posts. The funny thing is that FaceApp must have known my mother as the majority of them could pass for her.
Well that's good, isn't it? I think it means your results are very attainable. It's in your genes :)
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 24, 2018, 12:42:30 PM
Well that's good, isn't it? I think it means your results are very attainable. It's in your genes :)
And there's some of my younger sister around my eyes. Especially the one I just changed to be my avatar. Now, if the genes are right my twin sisters should end up larger too.
We'll see :)
Quote from: Cassi on January 24, 2018, 01:04:30 PM
And there's some of my younger sister around my eyes. Especially the one I just changed to be my avatar. Now, if the genes are right my twin sisters should end up larger too.
We'll see :)
Well I really like your new avatar!
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 24, 2018, 01:06:49 PM
Well I really like your new avatar!
Thank you Sweetie and I like your's which I think I already complimented you on but nevertheless is really nice. We're going to be know as the "Crop Sisters" :)
Quote from: Jessica on January 24, 2018, 01:31:55 PM
I like it too Cassi!
Thank you Jessica, like I mentioned to Charlie Nicki, I see a lot of my mom and younger sister in that pic and I never realized it before.
Might I "point" out an item pertaining to the threads title.... watch where your going with your boobs. When they are tender, they hurt a lot when you bash a boob against a door as you go through. The last 2 days, each day that happened to the same one with tears being the result.
Quote from: Jessica on January 24, 2018, 01:36:40 PM
Might I "point" out an item pertaining to the threads title.... watch where your going with your boobs. When they are tender, they hurt a lot when you bash a boob against a door as you go through. The last 2 days, each day that happened to the same one with tears being the result.
Thanks for the tip(s) - I've been wearing a sports bra with a fluffy sock as padding, lol.
Quote from: Cassi on January 24, 2018, 01:45:54 PM
Thanks for the tip(s) - I've been wearing a sports bra with a fluffy sock as padding, lol.
I just checked it, I bruised it.
I need to start wearing a bra for protection. I usually only wear one when running, the bounce hurts.
Quote from: Cassi on January 24, 2018, 01:09:33 PM
Thank you Sweetie and I like your's which I think I already complimented you on but nevertheless is really nice. We're going to be know as the "Crop Sisters" :)
Haha I like that idea.
Quote from: Jessica on January 24, 2018, 01:36:40 PM
Might I "point" out an item pertaining to the threads title.... watch where your going with your boobs. When they are tender, they hurt a lot when you bash a boob against a door as you go through. The last 2 days, each day that happened to the same one with tears being the result.
LOL I know it hurts a lot but this is kinda funny. And sadly for me, as you already know, my boobs are so small that the chances of that happening to me are minimum :D.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 25, 2018, 07:45:10 AM
LOL I know it hurts a lot but this is kinda funny. And sadly for me, as you already know, my boobs are so small that the chances of that happening to me are minimum :D.
Hey girlfriend, none of that talk! You just increased your E, so give them a hug and whisper to them "grow my little girls, grow!"
I did laugh through my tears, and they aren't as bruised this morn.
Should I cry because mine must be too small to have experienced this? Or happy I've learned to watch where I'm going in my old age?
Hugs,
Laurie
So another Monday, another day full of apathy. It's almost like how I felt before I started transitioning, as if life was meaningless. I really don't know why I'm feeling this way, is it my body adjusting to the hormonal increase?
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 29, 2018, 01:12:52 PM
So another Monday, another day full of apathy. It's almost like how I felt before I started transitioning, as if life was meaningless. I really don't know why I'm feeling this way, is it my body adjusting to the hormonal increase?
I'm sad to hear this girlfriend. On Saturday you were on a high. I'm sorry you weren't kept up by that fluffy cloud. Go get that mani/pedi I suggested!
You may be right about adjusting to the new dosage. That's still going on with me.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 29, 2018, 01:12:52 PM
So another Monday, another day full of apathy. It's almost like how I felt before I started transitioning, as if life was meaningless. I really don't know why I'm feeling this way, is it my body adjusting to the hormonal increase?
Put on some happy music. Prior to HRT, music was music to me. Nowadays, I put it on and I'm the "Fart on the Skillet" - all over the place bouncing around :)
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 29, 2018, 01:12:52 PM
So another Monday, another day full of apathy. It's almost like how I felt before I started transitioning, as if life was meaningless. I really don't know why I'm feeling this way, is it my body adjusting to the hormonal increase?
I had a lot of ups and downs for several months. Especially when nothing new was happening as far as my transition goes. The waiting for things to happen is really tough sometimes. I still have apathetic days here and there, mostly I don't even realize I was being apathetic until the day's already done.... :-\
Hi Girlfriend,
I hope I can call you that. Just think Hun, sometimes apathy is a good thing. A step up from the way you've been feeling for days or weeks. Their are worse states of mind. Sure apathy isn't the best of times but then it isn't the worst times either. Keep your eye on better times and work towards them. Things can and do change.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on January 29, 2018, 11:52:22 PM
Hi Girlfriend,
I hope I can call you that. Just think Hun, sometimes apathy is a good thing. A step up from the way you've been feeling for days or weeks. Their are worse states of mind. Sure apathy isn't the best of times but then it isn't the worst times either. Keep your eye on better times and work towards them. Things can and do change.
Hugs,
Laurie
You can call me girlfriend for sure, girlfriend :)
Quote from: Sarah_P on January 29, 2018, 11:25:49 PM
I had a lot of ups and downs for several months. Especially when nothing new was happening as far as my transition goes. The waiting for things to happen is really tough sometimes. I still have apathetic days here and there, mostly I don't even realize I was being apathetic until the day's already done.... :-\
Yeah the wait and the uncertainty of what will happen. I think I also feel lonely even though I don't want to admit it. Most of the time I'm just thinking that I want to have a relationship but I know it's not the right time.
I was just reminded of the word "dysthymia". I think the definition of that word fits perfectly with what I'm feeling.
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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 30, 2018, 07:11:47 AM
Yeah the wait and the uncertainty of what will happen. I think I also feel lonely even though I don't want to admit it. Most of the time I'm just thinking that I want to have a relationship but I know it's not the right time.
The waiting game is the hardest part sometimes. :/
Quote from: Roll on January 30, 2018, 09:13:02 AM
The waiting game is the hardest part sometimes. :/
Yes mame ree.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 30, 2018, 07:11:47 AM
Yeah the wait and the uncertainty of what will happen. I think I also feel lonely even though I don't want to admit it. Most of the time I'm just thinking that I want to have a relationship but I know it's not the right time.
I soooooo want to date. The loneliness is overwhelming sometimes. I can usually deal with it by hanging out with friends, but it's still there in the background. It doesn't go away, but I can set it aside for a while.
Quote from: Sarah_P on January 30, 2018, 01:52:32 PM
I soooooo want to date. The loneliness is overwhelming sometimes. I can usually deal with it by hanging out with friends, but it's still there in the background. It doesn't go away, but I can set it aside for a while.
Where's Sergeant Pepper when ya need him??????
Having patience while transitioning is probably the hardest thing for me. I want to have it all! Right now. Ugh, where's the gender bending magic wand when you need it??
By the way, my hair feels drier now...after a period of looking great. Still looks good but feels drier. I read somewhere that that could happen with low T right? If so, yay! No T in my body is good news.
Tell me about it, I'm getting more and more impatient as I go. :-X
Ah, patience is something they should make a pill for!
Quote from: Jayne01 on November 29, 2017, 02:30:38 PM
I feel the same way. I used to think that when I looked at and admired other women, it was in the same way as any other guy. Then I realised that most guys are thinking "I want to be with her" and I was thinking "I want to BE her".
Jayne
That describes my dysphoria perfectly.
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Hi! Don't know if this late but my boobs are also growing! ((Very slowly, and they're not even really there yet, but it's happenin'!
I've been on bicalutamide (androgen blocker) for about two months now and the tissue blow my nipples is so sore and tender. I leaned forward against my desk at school, brushed my little breast buds against the edge, and the pain was almost excruciating. However, it's a good kind of pain because I can't wait to see my girls!
Happy Valentine's Day sister!
💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
Hugs and squeezes, Jess
Quote from: Jessica on February 14, 2018, 10:38:33 AM
Happy Valentine's Day sister!
[emoji177][emoji177][emoji177][emoji177][emoji177][emoji177][emoji177]
Hugs and squeezes, Jess
Happy Valentine's to you darling! And to everyone else, hope you had a great day :)
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I haven't updated the thread in a while so I thought I would share something that happened a couple of weeks ago. So it was a Sunday and I was with a group of classmates working on something for the postgraduate course we are taking. We went to this restaurant to grab lunch and I went to the men's bathroom to pee. As I finished and started washing my hands, a guy around 40 opens the door and just stays there, and then goes back to check if the sign was indeed the men's bathroom. When he realized it was he said out loud "men's bathroom??" and just left and didn't go in. He thought I was in the wrong bathroom!! And then as I left I saw him talking to his wife and pointing at the bathroom in disbelief. Needless to say I was shocked that he could read me as female or close to female, I still present male, I was wearing male clothes, and had the upper part of my hair in a ponytail, while the rest was loose. Exactly like this (no facial hair though):
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm5.static.flickr.com%2F4081%2F4737390638_06a2f42a5e.jpg&hash=98b14b0285e1097f59512a07be15c383c0c3804a)
So I wasn't even trying to present female, and furthermore I was hungover, tired and sleepy, so I didn't even look cute. But it felt soooo good of course!! He really made me smile. It hasn't happened again but it was a good shocking moment.
I know that made you feel good girlfriend. I hope it becomes more frequent for you.
I know with myself, I'll catch a glimpse of the woman within, in the mirror sometimes.
Hugs and smiles, Jess
Quote from: Jessica on March 15, 2018, 10:10:25 AM
I know that made you feel good girlfriend. I hope it becomes more frequent for you.
I know with myself, I'll catch a glimpse of the woman within, in the mirror sometimes.
Hugs and smiles, Jess
Jess, I can already see that woman in your avatar. And she looks lovely!!
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on March 15, 2018, 10:29:19 AM
Jess, I can already see that woman in your avatar. And she looks lovely!!
Thank you dear friend, I do too, and it's very exciting!
It was a turning point for me when I dropped the FaceApp avatar and put my real self up.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on March 15, 2018, 09:11:50 AM
I haven't updated the thread in a while so I thought I would share something that happened a couple of weeks ago. So it was a Sunday and I was with a group of classmates working on something for the postgraduate course we are taking. We went to this restaurant to grab lunch and I went to the men's bathroom to pee. As I finished and started washing my hands, a guy around 40 opens the door and just stays there, and then goes back to check if the sign was indeed the men's bathroom. When he realized it was he said out loud "men's bathroom??" and just left and didn't go in. He thought I was in the wrong bathroom!! And then as I left I saw him talking to his wife and pointing at the bathroom in disbelief. Needless to say I was shocked that he could read me as female or close to female, I still present male, I was wearing male clothes, and had the upper part of my hair in a ponytail, while the rest was loose. Exactly like this (no facial hair though):
So I wasn't even trying to present female, and furthermore I was hungover, tired and sleepy, so I didn't even look cute. But it felt soooo good of course!! He really made me smile. It hasn't happened again but it was a good shocking moment.
That is super awesome!!! I can't wait to get there! :)
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on March 15, 2018, 09:11:50 AM
I haven't updated the thread in a while so I thought I would share something that happened a couple of weeks ago. So it was a Sunday and I was with a group of classmates working on something for the postgraduate course we are taking. We went to this restaurant to grab lunch and I went to the men's bathroom to pee. As I finished and started washing my hands, a guy around 40 opens the door and just stays there, and then goes back to check if the sign was indeed the men's bathroom. When he realized it was he said out loud "men's bathroom??" and just left and didn't go in. He thought I was in the wrong bathroom!! And then as I left I saw him talking to his wife and pointing at the bathroom in disbelief. Needless to say I was shocked that he could read me as female or close to female, I still present male, I was wearing male clothes, and had the upper part of my hair in a ponytail, while the rest was loose. Exactly like this (no facial hair though):
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm5.static.flickr.com%2F4081%2F4737390638_06a2f42a5e.jpg&hash=98b14b0285e1097f59512a07be15c383c0c3804a)
So I wasn't even trying to present female, and furthermore I was hungover, tired and sleepy, so I didn't even look cute. But it felt soooo good of course!! He really made me smile. It hasn't happened again but it was a good shocking moment.
That is so cool. I wonder what would happen if he knew the truth. I imagine he would blow a mind circuit or two ;)
Well done :)
Paige :)
I think you do a great job in those movies!!!!!!
Quote from: Cassi on March 15, 2018, 04:16:58 PM
I think you do a great job in those movies!!!!!!
Who? Lol.
I've began booking appointments with plastic surgeons to compare prices and procedures and last Tuesday I had my second kinda male fail situation.
So I arrived to the doctor's office, checked in with the receptionist and stayed in the waiting room. I had one headphone in one ear just so I could hear when they called my name. There were 2 elderly ladies sitting right in front on me and a 40 year old woman next to me. So I was distracted on my phone and I heard the old ladies talking but I couldn't understand what they said and suddenly I hear "nice hair, nice skin..." I look up and one of the old ladies is staring at me so I took off my one headphone and asked her if they were talking to me. She said that yes they were and that her friend was asking her if I was a boy or a girl. I instantly got BLUSHED AND EMBARRASSED. And they both stared waiting for an answer. Well it was a super small room, everyone could hear what they said and I didn't know what to tell them! Lol so I just shrugged and the 40 year old woman next to me said: "You are what they want you to be" and I smiled and said to them "that's right, I am whatever you want me to be" and laughed it off and buried my head in my phone again.
It was embarrassing but funny and cute! Made me feel good. And again I just kept wondering how on Earth would they think I was a woman? I'm so far from my goal... but it made me smile. And yes I know asking someone that question in public is super rude and inappropriate but just picture these 2 super old ladies who don't give a crap anymore and just say what they think. It was funny.
Or maybe they were just blind lol.
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That's cool. My friend that I came out to yesterday told me that I had to be true to my true self and if anyone couldn't understand that, then "F" them, figurately. Made me feel good.
I try and avoid public bathrooms if I can as yet. I pass 95% of the time but I always manage to find a co-ed one somewhere. Just feels more comfortable. One of these days I'll be forced to use one. The mens is certainly out of the question now.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 01, 2018, 12:26:51 PM
I've began booking appointments with plastic surgeons to compare prices and procedures and last Tuesday I had my second kinda male fail situation.
So I arrived to the doctor's office, checked in with the receptionist and stayed in the waiting room. I had one headphone in one ear just so I could hear when they called my name. There were 2 elderly ladies sitting right in front on me and a 40 year old woman next to me. So I was distracted on my phone and I heard the old ladies talking but I couldn't understand what they said and suddenly I hear "nice hair, nice skin..." I look up and one of the old ladies is staring at me so I took off my one headphone and asked her if they were talking to me. She said that yes they were and that her friend was asking her if I was a boy or a girl. I instantly got BLUSHED AND EMBARRASSED. And they both stared waiting for an answer. Well it was a super small room, everyone could hear what they said and I didn't know what to tell them! Lol so I just shrugged and the 40 year old woman next to me said: "You are what they want you to be" and I smiled and said to them "that's right, I am whatever you want me to be" and laughed it off and buried my head in my phone again.
It was embarrassing but funny and cute! Made me feel good. And again I just kept wondering how on Earth would they think I was a woman? I'm so far from my goal... but it made me smile. And yes I know asking someone that question in public is super rude and inappropriate but just picture these 2 super old ladies who don't give a crap anymore and just say what they think. It was funny.
Or maybe they were just blind lol.
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I take it your profile pic is with faceapp? Still, your features are very feminine. I had a similar situation in jeans, tshirt and no wig/makeup. A guy asked his friend if I'm a boy or girl.
I stopped getting gendered by strangers for the most part without trying. But when a cashier is having a bad day and I correct a mistake or they have to call a manager, they'll make it a point to call me "he"
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Quote from: Allison S on April 02, 2018, 07:59:27 AM
I take it your profile pic is with faceapp? Still, your features are very feminine. I had a similar situation in jeans, tshirt and no wig/makeup. A guy asked his friend if I'm a boy or girl.
I stopped getting gendered by strangers for the most part without trying. But when a cashier is having a bad day and I correct a mistake or they have to call a manager, they'll make it a point to call me "he"
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Hey girl, yes my pic is through Faceapp. It was actually created last June when I went wig shopping and I hadn't started hormones, the funny thing is that now when I try Faceapp it doesn't change anything in my face except for shaping my eyebrows and giving me longer lashes...Which feels good cuz it seems like the app reads my face as having feminine features. Hopefully I'll upload an unretouched pic in a few months.
And I've seen your pics and you have a very feminine face, so I can see why people would get confused :).
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 02, 2018, 09:18:40 AM
Hey girl, yes my pic is through Faceapp. It was actually created last June when I went wig shopping and I hadn't started hormones, the funny thing is that now when I try Faceapp it doesn't change anything in my face except for shaping my eyebrows and giving me longer lashes...Which feels good cuz it seems like the app reads my face as having feminine features. Hopefully I'll upload an unretouched pic in a few months.
And I've seen your pics and you have a very feminine face, so I can see why people would get confused :).
That's great! Yeah we just have to wait longer with hrt and hope for the best.
When I tried faceapp a few months ago my "female" photo scared me. It was NOT what I'm turning into now, I don't think lol
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Quote from: Allison S on April 02, 2018, 11:03:40 AM
That's great! Yeah we just have to wait longer with hrt and hope for the best.
When I tried faceapp a few months ago my "female" photo scared me. It was NOT what I'm turning into now, I don't think lol
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I became familiar with FaceApp because Bari was chatting about it. My first couple of avatars were me with FaceApp which took a number of shots. There was two women selections and for some reason the second one would look like my face was melting off. The first option always made one eye different from the other.
The current one is me but with my face cropped and that white thing by my eye is actually a speck of dust from either the picture or camera :(
Quote from: Cassi on April 02, 2018, 11:08:08 AM
I became familiar with FaceApp because Bari was chatting about it. My first couple of avatars were me with FaceApp which took a number of shots. There was two women selections and for some reason the second one would look like my face was melting off. The first option always made one eye different from the other.
The current one is me but with my face cropped and that white thing by my eye is actually a speck of dust from either the picture or camera :(
And that's without faceapp Cassi? You look female to me. Even your hair style is feminine. Definitely a good thing when growing it out!
I did wonder what that was. Next one you will work it out I'm sure! [emoji4]
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Quote from: Allison S on April 02, 2018, 11:14:27 AM
And that's without faceapp Cassi? You look female to me. Even your hair style is feminine. Definitely a good thing when growing it out!
I did wonder what that was. Next one you will work it out I'm sure! [emoji4]
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Thanks Alli!!!!
I'm somewhat bald on top; front hairline has a wee bit and the back is very thin. I used a hairband and it turned out okay but I'd never go in public like that - "Who's that bald Bitch?" :)
I'm really not into the idea of wearing wigs, especially here in Vegas during the warmer months and hopefully, once I get the Rogaine it will help along with the Fiderst.... and HRT :)
I'm working on doing another one but I haven't motivated myself to put on make-up lately. The last time I was going to the police were walking around and I had done my nails and thought, crap, what's going on. Anyway, thanks again. I do like the way my hair covers my ears and blows in the wind, lol.
Quote from: Cassi on April 02, 2018, 11:08:08 AM
I became familiar with FaceApp because Bari was chatting about it. My first couple of avatars were me with FaceApp which took a number of shots. There was two women selections and for some reason the second one would look like my face was melting off. The first option always made one eye different from the other.
The current one is me but with my face cropped and that white thing by my eye is actually a speck of dust from either the picture or camera :(
Cassi: You can't fool us,
I think that you were attempting to apply White Eyeliner.
Danielle
Lol Danielle
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@ Cassi: I fixed up your picture for you.
By the way, the top you are wearing looks like a Star Trek uniform !!! ???
Are you also wearing the matching mini-skirt?
(https://i.imgur.com/BdMvSHY.jpg)
Quote from: Cassi on April 02, 2018, 11:08:08 AM
I became familiar with FaceApp because Bari was chatting about it. My first couple of avatars were me with FaceApp which took a number of shots. There was two women selections and for some reason the second one would look like my face was melting off. The first option always made one eye different from the other.
The current one is me but with my face cropped and that white thing by my eye is actually a speck of dust from either the picture or camera :(
Lol you still look good despite the dust there.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 02, 2018, 12:09:51 PM
Lol you still look good despite the dust there.
Thank you. I'm thinking about playing around with a little make-up and seeing if I can improve on it :)
I'm about to leave the hospital after my orchiectomy! So far so good. A little bit of pain but manageable. I'm happy that the evil twins aren't in my body anymore!! :)
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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 05, 2018, 03:40:53 PM
I'm about to leave the hospital after my orchiectomy! So far so good. A little bit of pain but manageable. I'm happy that the evil twins aren't in my body anymore!! :)
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@ Charlie Nicki:
Ah ha.... the
evil twins are gone but now you are better off without them, as you are undoubtedly aware, it will simplify and greatly improve your HRT and achieving your transitioning goals.
The good news is that you have the
Twin Girls on your chest that you now can devote your attention to.
Soon, in a few days the pain, swelling and discomfort will be a distant memory.
Congratulations to you and thanks for posting your update... ya know, it could have waited until you are healed and feeling better.!!!!
Hugs and well-wishes,
Danielle
CONGRATULATIONS :)
Congrats!!
Thanks girls!! Very happy indeed. I had a brief moment before falling asleep from the anesthesia when I got happy, emotional, and started smiling while staring at the ceiling and all doctors were around me getting me ready. It was surreal, almost like a scene out of the movie... Felt like life telling me to fasten my seatbelt and get ready cuz this is gonna get even better. That's when I reassured I had made the right decision, I felt thankful.
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Big hug! Congratulations, and welcome to the No Nuts Club. ;D
Speedy healing!
Hugs, Devlyn
That is really awesome!!! One more huge step complete!
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 05, 2018, 03:40:53 PM
I'm about to leave the hospital after my orchiectomy! So far so good. A little bit of pain but manageable. I'm happy that the evil twins aren't in my body anymore!! :)
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Congrats!! It must be such a huge relief I'm envying you for sure right now!! Get well and so happy for you [emoji4]
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Thank you all <3
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Let us know if you notice any accelerations to your transitioning process. I enjoy reading anecdotes on improvements noticed post operation.
Quote from: xAmyX on April 06, 2018, 05:01:24 AM
Let us know if you notice any accelerations to your transitioning process. I enjoy reading anecdotes on improvements noticed post operation.
Yes I actually made a separate thread asking if this was a possibility and most people who replied reported no significant changes after orchi. I'll let you guys know how it goes in my case.
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Congratulations Charlie Nicki. I am so happy for you.
I hope you continue to feel elated and I wish you a speedy recovery.
Pamela
Quote from: pamelatransuk on April 06, 2018, 07:12:42 AM
Congratulations Charlie Nicki. I am so happy for you.
I hope you continue to feel elated and I wish you a speedy recovery.
Pamela
Pamela, thank you for your good wishes :)
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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 05, 2018, 03:40:53 PM
I'm about to leave the hospital after my orchiectomy! So far so good. A little bit of pain but manageable. I'm happy that the evil twins aren't in my body anymore!! :)
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OMG....in your message on WhatsApp, I read it was happening on the 15th. After rereading it, my mistake! I'm so happy things went well girlfriend!
I saw my ex boyfriend today. We had dinner and he was very nice to me. We have been talking for the past 4 days and we were both really emotional last week missing each other... He broke up with me 9 months ago because of my transition, he said he's gay and he wasn't sure he could be with me. Fast forward to today, he, for the first time in 9 months, admitted out loud that lately he's been contemplating getting back together because he still misses me and cares about me. He has cried and gotten depressed several times (just like I have) in these past months.
How do I feel about this conversation? On one hand I feel glad that there's a possibility things can work out between us again. On the other hand, I'm really scared... Scared of all the negative things that could happen if we get back together. I still present male, I've been taking hormones since July last year and this July I was planning to go full time after a couple of surgeries. I'm afraid of his reaction, afraid things won't work out and I'll fall into a worse depression...
This site has been of tremendous help for me but I don't think I've seen a former gay couple turned straight couple (because one transitioned to female) that remains together. I've mostly seen cis women who stay with their MtF partner. Is my situation even possible to achieve? I didn't tell him my fears because he has fears of his own and I don't want him to distance himself if I tell him I'm scared too.
This is one of those days when, again, I think life is so hard and I wish I wasn't trans...Things seemed easier when I tried to live as a gay man even if there was a huge emptiness inside me.
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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 17, 2018, 02:06:19 AMI didn't tell him my fears because he has fears of his own and I don't want him to distance himself if I tell him I'm scared too.
Hun, you need to talk about this with him
before you get back together. Otherwise, it will rise up to bite you on the butt later.
If you both face your fears openly and decide, facing them, to get back together, then your relationship will be stronger for it. But if you hide your fears and maybe he hides his, then you have just locked a couple of monsters in the closet. Not good when they get out.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 17, 2018, 02:06:19 AM
I saw my ex boyfriend today. We had dinner and he was very nice to me. We have been talking for the past 4 days and we were both really emotional last week missing each other... He broke up with me 9 months ago because of my transition, he said he's gay and he wasn't sure he could be with me. Fast forward to today, he, for the first time in 9 months, admitted out loud that lately he's been contemplating getting back together because he still misses me and cares about me. He has cried and gotten depressed several times (just like I have) in these past months.
How do I feel about this conversation? On one hand I feel glad that there's a possibility things can work out between us again. On the other hand, I'm really scared... Scared of all the negative things that could happen if we get back together. I still present male, I've been taking hormones since July last year and this July I was planning to go full time after a couple of surgeries. I'm afraid of his reaction, afraid things won't work out and I'll fall into a worse depression...
This site has been of tremendous help for me but I don't think I've seen a former gay couple turned straight couple (because one transitioned to female) that remains together. I've mostly seen cis women who stay with their MtF partner. Is my situation even possible to achieve? I didn't tell him my fears because he has fears of his own and I don't want him to distance himself if I tell him I'm scared too.
This is one of those days when, again, I think life is so hard and I wish I wasn't trans...Things seemed easier when I tried to live as a gay man even if there was a huge emptiness inside me.
Enviado de meu Moto G (5) Plus usando Tapatalk
Hey girlfriend, you didn't mention this in our PM's. I know deep down this is what you want and I hope it can work out. But please heed Kathy 's advice and discuss it openly and transparently with him.
You girls are right. Right after reading your messages I started sharing my fears with him. We are both very afraid but willing to try...I don't know where this is taking us or if it's right or wrong but I wanna try.
Just remember: you come first! If he can move past gender and love you for you, then that is truly wonderful, you deserve nothing but happiness!! (And hey, straight guys do it all the time, no reason a gay guy couldn't.)
Quote from: Roll on April 17, 2018, 12:00:47 PM
Just remember: you come first! If he can move past gender and love you for you, then that is truly wonderful, you deserve nothing but happiness!! (And hey, straight guys do it all the time, no reason a gay guy couldn't.)
Yeah I definitely wish this becomes a success story...Only time will tell.
Weirdly enough I feel so...defeated and depressed after this recent event. Having the opportunity of getting back together with him is what I always wanted but I'm so scared that I will not be good enough or that he won't like me or love me as much as he did before. I feel sad and needy right now and I don't like it. I told him I could compromise and not go full time but keep taking hormones, growing my hair out and having no body or facial hair and he said he's ok with that but we both fear things won't work out in the sex department. I'm afraid to feel inferior, ugly and unattractive. I feel like I need constant reassurance, which wasn't the case before transition.
Ugh this is so hard.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 17, 2018, 02:25:06 PMI told him I could compromise and not go full time but keep taking hormones, growing my hair out and having no body or facial hair and he said he's ok with that but we both fear things won't work out in the sex department. I'm afraid to feel inferior, ugly and unattractive. I feel like I need constant reassurance, which wasn't the case before transition.
This may be just me, but compromising on your transition is a red flag to me. It will feed into your insecurities, because you will not be all that you could be. Don't rush into this rekindled relationship. Take your time and get it right.
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 17, 2018, 02:31:30 PM
This may be just me, but compromising on your transition is a red flag to me. It will feed into your insecurities, because you will not be all that you could be. Don't rush into this rekindled relationship. Take your time and get it right.
It was actually my idea...I've realized in the past 9 months since I started HRT that I don't particularly care that much about makeup, nail polish or anything that is stereotypically girly. I'm not saying I'm a tomboy, far from it, what I'm saying is I never really felt I needed any of those things to diminish the dysphoria. The only thing that has really worked is HRT (and my recent orchiectomy). I wanna keep feminizing yet presenting male which I guess is good for the both of us, I wanted to rush and go full time in the next couple of months, but this way I'll give HRT more time to do what it's supposed to and I won't rush into surgeries. And good for him since he doesn't want to deal with being perceived as a straight couple, this is something that causes him a lot of stress and internal conflict.
I'm scared and sad but trying to be optimistic.
Quote from: Roll on April 17, 2018, 12:00:47 PM
Just remember: you come first! If he can move past gender and love you for you, then that is truly wonderful, you deserve nothing but happiness!! (And hey, straight guys do it all the time, no reason a gay guy couldn't.)
I second Ellie's viewpoint.
The only other things I can add Charlie Nicki is that I feel for you with this problem and I wish you and your partner resolution and happiness.
Pamela
Quote from: pamelatransuk on April 18, 2018, 06:50:05 AM
I second Ellie's viewpoint.
The only other things I can add Charlie Nicki is that I feel for you with this problem and I wish you and your partner resolution and happiness.
Pamela
Thank you Pamela.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 18, 2018, 09:16:41 AM
Thank you Pamela.
Charlie Nicki, 18 Apr 18
Just caught this thread; congratulations on your orchi, had mine 8 days after you had yours. As Devlyn said: "Welcome to the No Nuts Club."
As for the boyfriend, don't tie yourself to a ship that's taking on water, it may sink without warning; keep your life vest on in case you have to abandon ship.
I hope it works out for both of you; good luck.
Best always,
Christine
Hello everyone,
An update and some venting. I need your encouragement.
I had breast augmentation and lipo sculpture last week, I had been thinking about it for a while and decided to do it and start living full time after that.
The first 2 or 3 days of recovery were difficult body-wise, everything hurt and I couldn't move very well and needed help to do almost everything, but mentally I was alright. On day 4 was when it started going downhill mentally...My doctor told me post op depression could happen around day 5 so I don't know if this is it but I've started having all these negative thoughts.
I feel ugly, like a monster or a weirdo. I'm super scared of all that I'm doing and wondering if I made the right decision...If I will ever have a normal life, if I will ever be passable, if I will ever be just another girl. I just want to be normal. Right now I don't feel that way, I feel like the "huge >-bleeped-<" walking down the street that everyone will stare at. So much that sometimes I feel scared to go out (I've had to go out every day after surgery for post op massages).
Yesterday I was out all day, full makeup on, long straight hair and sweatpants (I don't have much clothes yet and also prefer wearing comfortable clothes while I recover). The day was fun, I met with other 3 trans girlfriends and we had a really good time and the most experienced ones told me and my other friend about their experiences. I was on a high cuz for a moment I felt like myself again, like despite being this "weirdo" I could still have a normal life, and go out and laugh and have fun. I know some people stared at me but I didn't care and overall it was a really good day.
But this morning I woke up feeling sad and extremely dysphoric again. I look at myself in the mirror and see a man with breasts. My jaw and chin are my biggest insecurities and are all I notice in the mirror and in pictures all the time. Funny thing is that when I lived like a man I perceived my face as being very rounded and never really thought I had a strong jaw (maybe I just couldn't see it because of my beard) and people told me I had soft features but I can't see any of that right now.
I've cried several times in the past few days and I'm scared of what's to come, mainly my first day at work as a woman which will happen in 3 weeks and everything that comes after. I'm wondering if I made the right decision by transitioning and wondering if I should have just suck it up and live like a man. I know I got to this point because this is how I feel but it's so hard to see the positive side and to see the finish line... I keep dreaming of having the life of trans women like Carmen Carrera or Gigi Gorgeous who are super passable, attractive and are able to blend in society. And I don't know if I'm gonna be that girl.
I'm super embarrassed to admit that I feel this way, so I don't really talk to anyone about it besides a couple of trans friends. Most people think I'm so brave and think I'm super happy because I'm doing what I dreamt about. But in reality I'm scared and sad and dysphoric.
I went through something like that a couple of months ago when I got the orchiectomy but it passed quickly and then was super happy about the orchi so I don't know if this just the result of post op depression again or if all my fears and self perception are genuine.
I just wanted to vent girls.
I believe it may be time to take my suggestion and have a real life avatar! You will feel better. You are beautiful and I've seen the real you!
Hugs and smiles, Jess
I second the real avatar. I've seen your picture from even months ago and you looked wonderful to me, with the time that has passed I'm sure you have made far more progress than you may realize!
Dani, rest assured: you are beautiful, brave, and just all around awesome.
It's been a while since we chatted directly, but if you ever need to talk I will always be there.
Thank you Roll and Jessica. I just tried uploading a new avatar through Tapatalk and I hit sent but I still see the same picture. I don't know where the other one went.
EDIT: I was able to change my pic and edited my previous post to remove that last part to avoid confusion. Not a picture of me since I'm worried about privacy.
Congratulations Charlie Nikki on the Breast Augmentation and Lipo.
I am sure your depression will only be temporary as your doctor warned and you felt the same after the orchie and then recovered. Just try not to be too introspective but I know that is difficult.
May I suggest also you try to concentrate (again it is not easy to adjust ones thinking) on what you have already achieved. You have come so far!
Special Hugs to you
Pamela
Quote from: pamelatransuk on June 11, 2018, 05:23:48 AM
Congratulations Charlie Nikki on the Breast Augmentation and Lipo.
I am sure your depression will only be temporary as your doctor warned and you felt the same after the orchie and then recovered. Just try not to be too introspective but I know that is difficult.
May I suggest also you try to concentrate (again it is not easy to adjust ones thinking) on what you have already achieved. You have come so far!
Special Hugs to you
Pamela
Hi Pamela, yes you're right. I'm trying to tell myself that this is temporary. Hope it passes soon so I can start feeling good about myself.
been about a year since the you started hrt, are you happy with the results, I mean really. It took me along time to realize the only one who I should care about being happy is myself, and I think Im finally on the right path.
I posted about this in the "what made you unhappy today" thread but I guess I should put it here as well.
I was feeling really good the past 2 days but last night I had an argument with my mother that made me feel bad again. I was planning to make my coming out post on social media... it's been 2 weeks since I had my breast augmentation and lipo so I thought it was about time. My brother took my picture and also got in some pics with me, he said he wanted to make a post on his social media as soon as I posted in mine, to show his support. I thought that was a great idea and felt supported. He told me I should ask my mom if she wanted to participate so I texted her and she said yes and told me to wait for her to come home.
Well she got home after work and didn't want to take the pic. Told me I should wait a few more weeks before coming out on social media... We started arguing and she called me selfish and said I always wanted to do things my way without thinking about the rest. She also said I still have masculine features so I should wait more.
I started crying as soon as she called me selfish. I mean I first told her I was transgender 4 years ago and didn't do anything about it back then because I wasn't ready to face lack of support (which I got from her and my ex), so how come I'm selfish now?... It hurt. Also feeling like the only way I'll be accepted is if I turn into a pretty Barbie? I know I have masculine features, but I don't want to wait a million years for HRT to feminize more...I don't even know if it'll actually help my face more since it is so unpredictable.
So basically I'm feeling sad and discouraged and embarrassed. I got breasts and a tiny waist and feel like hiding cuz last night's argument made me feel like a freak. Like a dude with boobs. And I wanted to make the come out post on social media so it was easier for me to face the world if everyone already knew what's happening and how I look.
I'm going back to work in 2 weeks and still don't feel confident enough to face that...I was gaining confidence but the argument set me back.
Sometimes we must do what is best for us and not what someone else thinks. After 4yrs she has had time and with 2 weeks until you go back to work you probably need to be out on social media.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on June 15, 2018, 09:20:49 AM
.
.
So basically I'm feeling sad and discouraged and embarrassed. I got breasts and a tiny waist and feel like hiding cuz last night's argument made me feel like a freak. Like a dude with boobs. And I wanted to make the come out post on social media so it was easier for me to face the world if everyone already knew what's happening and how I look.
I'm going back to work in 2 weeks and still don't feel confident enough to face that...I was gaining confidence but the argument set me back.
.
.
Dear Niki, 15 June 2018
In 7 weeks and 2 days I'll be 78. I started transitioning (Officially by my reckoning) 08 March of this year. I wear women's T-shirts, slacks, jeans, shoes, underwear, lots of pink and other fem colors, etc. I still look like a guy and now a guy with boobs. I love it. I do get looks from a few guys looking at my boobs and trying to figure out what or who I am. It makes me laugh at their confused looks. I don't give a s*** what anyone thinks except me. I do what I want as long as I don't hurt someone other than me, and I'm sure not hurting me.
Look into your heart and do what it tells you. Don't worry about what someone else may think because we really don't know what someone is thinking unless they tell us. If someone says something stupid, just smile and walk on. You win, they lose.
The world has its share of bone heads, they are not worth worrying about; besides, most people do not care.
You will be fine. Getting to the exact point you desire cannot be done overnight; strop worrying and live the way you want. It is your life, the only one you will ever have, so enjoy it.
Best Always, Love,
Christine
Quote from: christinej78 on June 15, 2018, 10:33:44 AM
Dear Niki, 15 June 2018
In 7 weeks and 2 days I'll be 78. I started transitioning (Officially by my reckoning) 08 March of this year. I wear women's T-shirts, slacks, jeans, shoes, underwear, lots of pink and other fem colors, etc. I still look like a guy and now a guy with boobs. I love it. I do get looks from a few guys looking at my boobs and trying to figure out what or who I am. It makes me laugh at their confused looks. I don't give a s*** what anyone thinks except me. I do what I want as long as I don't hurt someone other than me, and I'm sure not hurting me.
Look into your heart and do what it tells you. Don't worry about what someone else may think because we really don't know what someone is thinking unless they tell us. If someone says something stupid, just smile and walk on. You win, they lose.
The world has its share of bone heads, they are not worth worrying about; besides, most people do not care.
You will be fine. Getting to the exact point you desire cannot be done overnight; strop worrying and live the way you want. It is your life, the only one you will ever have, so enjoy it.
Best Always, Love,
Christine
Christine, I appreciate your post and want to congratulate you for making the decision to live how you want without caring about the world. That's what I want to do as well.
Quote from: mm on June 15, 2018, 09:38:24 AM
Sometimes we must do what is best for us and not what someone else thinks. After 4yrs she has had time and with 2 weeks until you go back to work you probably need to be out on social media.
Well the thing is that 4 years ago I took it all back and told her I was confused. So she really didn't mourn or assimilated the whole thing...Now is the first time she's actually experiencing my change.
I am so disappointed that you have encountered this latest obstacle. Sadly parents can often be the hardest to gain support from as they put up barriers as they feel they are losing a son (in their eyes) rather gaining a daughter. I hope in a very short time, your Mum comes round.
You have come so far and achieved so much. My advice is in 2 weeks time, go ahead and proceed and come out publicly but you must regain your confidence as I am sure you will.
Hugs
Pamela
Quote from: pamelatransuk on June 16, 2018, 05:18:33 AM
I am so disappointed that you have encountered this latest obstacle. Sadly parents can often be the hardest to gain support from as they put up barriers as they feel they are losing a son (in their eyes) rather gaining a daughter. I hope in a very short time, your Mum comes round.
You have come so far and achieved so much. My advice is in 2 weeks time, go ahead and proceed and come out publicly but you must regain your confidence as I am sure you will.
Hugs
Pamela
Hi Pamela and everyone else.
I've officially come out on social media :). My mom did come around and I posted my pic and coming out message on both Instagram and Facebook this past Sunday. The amount of support, messages and likes has been overwhelmingly positive so I'm absolutely happy and relieved it all turned out good. My "secret" is out to the world so I don't need to hide anymore :)
Fantastic news both about your mom and about all the wonderful support you have received which as you say must be overwhelming!
Now you really can celebrate and the rest of us following your story can celebrate your happiness also.
Hugs
Pamela xx
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on June 19, 2018, 08:47:42 AM
My "secret" is out to the world so I don't need to hide anymore :)
Isn't that the greatest feeling? Congrats!
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on June 19, 2018, 08:47:42 AM
Hi Pamela and everyone else.
I've officially come out on social media :). My mom did come around and I posted my pic and coming out message on both Instagram and Facebook this past Sunday. The amount of support, messages and likes has been overwhelmingly positive so I'm absolutely happy and relieved it all turned out good. My "secret" is out to the world so I don't need to hide anymore :)
@Charlie Nicki Well, your good news report is a refreshing change of events for you in your transition process.
Coming out to your family, friends ... and to the social media sites can be a difficult and delicate endeavor for us transgenders.... many of us on the Forums have gone thought this gauntlet and many will be.
For me, when I came out to my family and friends I found very little, if any, acceptance and acknowledgement from my parents and friends... that was a catalyst for my decision to relocate here as a full-time woman to start my self-employed business ... and since arriving I had been living in stealth here for over a year and a half...
...and then about 2 months ago I boldly and fearfully (and quite accidentally) came out to my small town. My fears were unfounded as it has turned out that I have experienced very little negativity.
The point I am trying to make is that it was like a one-ton weight was taken off of my shoulders... it was such a relief to not have to hide my secret any longer... I could think clearer, be friendlier and be more open about myself... very refreshing for sure.
I sincerely trust that you have found it refreshing also as your load on your shoulders has been removed!!!
Thank you for your update... please continue to allow us to follow your journey.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on June 19, 2018, 08:47:42 AM
Hi Pamela and everyone else.
I've officially come out on social media :). My mom did come around and I posted my pic and coming out message on both Instagram and Facebook this past Sunday. The amount of support, messages and likes has been overwhelmingly positive so I'm absolutely happy and relieved it all turned out good. My "secret" is out to the world so I don't need to hide anymore :)
!!! That's great!!! :)
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on June 19, 2018, 08:47:42 AM
Hi Pamela and everyone else.
I've officially come out on social media :). My mom did come around and I posted my pic and coming out message on both Instagram and Facebook this past Sunday. The amount of support, messages and likes has been overwhelmingly positive so I'm absolutely happy and relieved it all turned out good. My "secret" is out to the world so I don't need to hide anymore :)
yay!!! what a relief, right? I'm happy for you!
Yes definitely relieving. I forgot to mention that both my mother and my brother made posts of their own in their social media accounts, supporting me. And posted recent pictures where we are together.
It has been absolutely wonderful. I'm blessed to have such a supportive family. My dad also encouraged me, he was the first one who told me to go ahead and post it, and that he would support me no matter what.
And you were so worried! Girl, I told you it would be okay.
So happy that you're so happy!
Hugs and smiles, Jess
Quote from: Jessica on June 20, 2018, 12:48:35 AM
And you were so worried! Girl, I told you it would be okay.
So happy that you're so happy!
Hugs and smiles, Jess
Yes honey everything is good now :)
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on June 19, 2018, 09:38:28 PM
Yes definitely relieving. I forgot to mention that both my mother and my brother made posts of their own in their social media accounts, supporting me. And posted recent pictures where we are together.
It has been absolutely wonderful. I'm blessed to have such a supportive family. My dad also encouraged me, he was the first one who told me to go ahead and post it, and that he would support me no matter what.
Your mom and brother's posts are the cutest, most heart warming posts... I didn't know about your father saying that! Wow, I love the support of your family and you deserve every bit of it [emoji173]
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Quote from: Allison S on June 20, 2018, 11:22:26 PM
Your mom and brother's posts are the cutest, most heart warming posts... I didn't know about your father saying that! Wow, I love the support of your family and you deserve every bit of it [emoji173]
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Thank you sis!
So, as usual, life couldn't let me be happy for more than a few days. I found out my ex is in a committed relationship now and it really hurts. Just writing about it hurts. Meanwhile I'm still alone, sad, feeling unattractive and undesirable, absolutely depressed, having awful thoughts and still in love with him. I was stupid enough to text him because I missed him and all he did was reject me again.
It's hard getting out of bed and find motivation to do anything so thank God at least I'm on vacation from work this week so I can just sleep all day and try to forget about this.
I am so sorry things have again taken a turn for the worse.
I know how painful it is when someone you love is with someone else. It physically hurts and it drains you.
I feel for you.
Once again just try to concentrate on what you have already achieved and what you have to look forward to - I know it so hard to adjust your thinking of course.
Hugs
Pamela
Yay, boobs :)
Quote from: pamelatransuk on June 27, 2018, 04:56:11 AM
I am so sorry things have again taken a turn for the worse.
I know how painful it is when someone you love is with someone else. It physically hurts and it drains you.
I feel for you.
Once again just try to concentrate on what you have already achieved and what you have to look forward to - I know it so hard to adjust your thinking of course.
Hugs
Pamela
Yes, I'm trying to get distracted and think about something else.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on June 27, 2018, 06:03:54 AM
Yes, I'm trying to get distracted and think about something else.
@Charlie Nicki YES indeed, get distracted and think about something else .... yes, that is a good plan.
What usually works for me is to physically get involved in something else, walking, jogging, going to the gym, going shopping, going out to coffee or lunch with friends, etc. Alone, doing those things I can ponder and think about my situation and perhaps find solutions within myself.... on the other hand when I involve myself with my friends doing various activities.... the conversations about the others are always a good way to get my mind off of "me" ....
... then of course as you have probably read some of my posts regarding my personal journal that I keep. I have a pen and paper journal that I can write down my most personal thoughts... things that I don't necessarily reveal on the forums... I find that is a good way for me to explore and vent my frustrations and life issues and at the same time I can explore how to possibly resolve them.... I also do a fair amount of doodling and drawing small crazy pictures among my writings in the journal.
My personal journal has been a very helpful way for me to review my actions and inactions... and it turned out to be a good personal therapy tool for myself.
Then later on, months or even years later it is always revealing to read my old journal entrees to see how I handled things in the past and to examine the results......
.... anyway
Charlie Nicki ... I am just rambling here trying to get your mind off of the issues that are confronting you... and perhaps giving you additional ideas of how you can deal with things.....
As always, I am wishing you well and giving you my hugs....
Danielle
Hey Danielle,
Yes I keep a journal. I haven't updated it in a while because sometimes I feel like writing about the things that upset me, puts me back in a sad mood. Right now I am feeling better mostly because I'm trying to keep myself distracted. Also, my friends are coming from my hometown this weekend to celebrate my birthday and go to the pride march. I've been shopping which is always a good therapy and I got eyelash extensions yesterday and they look soooo pretty! Makes me feel more feminine.
While the girl was putting them on, we were talking and she asked about my love life. I told her about my breakup and how sad I was feeling, so I made sure to ask what would happen to the lashes if I cried. She told me to avoid crying and just think about what I'm paying for the lashes so I know not to cry and ruin them lol. It was a really good advice. I'm not allowing myself to get lost in negative thoughts and cry. I'll just enjoy the weekend for now and hope things start looking up again.
My therapist suggested I get my T levels checked, he said that it is possible that after orchi my T is too low, making me feel extra sad. He also said that while it's very likely that I do miss my ex, there's also a big possibility that I'm mourning my old life after going full time and he's the representation of all of that. Makes sense as well but I don't want to think much about it, I just want it to be over.
Hey girlfriend, have a wonderful time with your hometown friends. It's great they will be with you on your birthday!
You know I want to see your beautiful eyes and their extensions, you know how to do that for me.
Hugs and smiles, Jess
Quote from: Jessica on June 28, 2018, 02:21:44 PM
Hey girlfriend, have a wonderful time with your hometown friends. It's great they will be with you on your birthday!
You know I want to see your beautiful eyes and their extensions, you know how to do that for me.
Hugs and smiles, Jess
Yes the weekend is finally here :) hoping to have a lot of fun.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on June 30, 2018, 08:32:13 AM
Yes the weekend is finally here :) hoping to have a lot of fun.
Oh u will! And u better tell all
Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Quote from: Allison S on June 30, 2018, 09:34:51 AM
Oh u will! And u better tell all
Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
I will! :)
Ok so my birthday celebration was yesterday. My actual birthday hasn't come yet.
The pros:
-Most of my friends were there, as well as my family, and they all complimented me on how pretty I looked. I felt at ease and completely comfortable most of the time.
The cons:
-I feel completely left out from the dating scene. It was a straight club and I didn't get much attention besides some guy staring at me. He was hot and my friends kept telling me he was checking me out but he didn't make a move and I wasn't gonna make one either, he's the man! And well I'm attracted to 2 guys in my circle and unfortunately they're both gay. I've kissed both of them before and they kind of give me attention but at the same time I can see how they behave with attractive men and it's different than how they behave with me. So I just need to forget about them... I ended up feeling alone and kinda sad despite it being a fun night.
-When I went to the bar to get a drink I could hear a group of guys chanting behind me "it's a >-bleeped-<, it's a >-bleeped-<"... Of course it was directed to me. I ignored it and was able to completely forget about it for the rest of the night until my insecurities about not being attractive to anyone kicked in and I started feeling like a freak again.
So yay for freakish little me! The pride march is today so at least I'll get to join other weirdos and we'll feel weird and out of place together.
snipped:Quote from: Charlie Nicki on July 01, 2018, 08:29:36 AM
Ok so my birthday celebration was yesterday. My actual birthday hasn't come yet.
- - - - -- -
- - - -- - - -
-I feel completely left out from the dating scene. It was a straight club and I didn't get much attention besides some guy staring at me. He was hot and my friends kept telling me he was checking me out but he didn't make a move and I wasn't gonna make one either, he's the man! And well I'm attracted to 2 guys in my circle and unfortunately they're both gay. I've kissed both of them before and they kind of give me attention but at the same time I can see how they behave with attractive men and it's different than how they behave with me. So I just need to forget about them... I ended up feeling alone and kinda sad despite it being a fun night.
-When I went to the bar to get a drink I could hear a group of guys chanting behind me "it's a >-bleeped-<, it's a >-bleeped-<"... Of course it was directed to me. I ignored it and was able to completely forget about it for the rest of the night until my insecurities about not being attractive to anyone kicked in and I started feeling like a freak again.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
@Charlie NickiDear Charlie Nicki: I will be early .... but HAPPY BIRTHDAY to YOU :icon_birthday:
I trust that it will be a very special day for you to celebrate.
You don't have to tell me about the frustrations and insecurities of the dating scene... I personally know that it can be a difficult gauntlet to maneuver around for sure. Just use your commons sense and while going with your heart, your mind might know some things too..... just be very careful and take things slowly.
You did absolutely the correct thing by ignoring those jerks that were calling you names and being rude.... You can not give them any satisfaction of seeing you get upset by their comments and tauntings.
You are
NOT a freak, nor are you weird. Do not let thoughts like that take control of your mind.
Please keep posting your updates and keeping your readers and followers informed.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Hey girlfriend...(((hug))) Happy early Birthday 🎉
It was wonderful your friends were with you at the party. Were they unable to be with you when those jerks were spouting off? You did the right thing about ignoring them, for safety sake if you were alone. So sister, if you were alone, I don't want you to not do the things you love doing, but having another girlfriend with you is safest for all women in general.
Love you, Jess 💕💕🎉🎉🎉💕💕
Quote from: Jessica on July 01, 2018, 03:54:29 PM
Hey girlfriend...(((hug))) Happy early Birthday 🎉
It was wonderful your friends were with you at the party. Were they unable to be with you when those jerks were spouting off? You did the right thing about ignoring them, for safety sake if you were alone. So sister, if you were alone, I don't want you to not do the things you love doing, but having another girlfriend with you is safest for all women in general.
Love you, Jess 💕💕🎉🎉🎉💕💕
@Charlie Nicki:
Dear Charlie Nicki: Safety in numbers...
@Jessica is very correct about that.
Some time ago in my thread I detailed when some jerks in the next door coffee shop were insulting and talking badly about me being a trans-woman... it was my friends that were there that came to my defense in a big way, and also the owner of the coffee shop and the employees there told the offenders in very clear terms to stop the bad talk and to never to do it again, at least in the coffee shop. That is where I have met most of my small town friends and business clients.... and my suitors too !!!
Again.... safety in numbers and safety in having your friends with you.
Hugs,
Danielle
Hey love, we talked and you know my take already. We're being tested at times and it can truly be too much. Take care of yourself [emoji173]
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Some guys are jerks. They say mean things at times and to strangers. Sorry they said what they did. You are not a freak. You are a trans woman in transition and in an awkward time.
What ever you do, do not let the negative comments in. Always say in your mind that comment is rude and mean and never let it in. Deflect mean comments and do not tell yourself mean comments either.
Positive People are attracted to positive energy and negative people are attracted to negative energy. We all have bad days or a bad spell. Always reach out when you need a friend or just to unload.
No Charlie Nicki you are NOT a freak or a weirdo and neither are the others you meet at Pride.
Try and see the night as more positive as not only did your family and friends compliment you and you felt so comfortable but also you were able to ignore at the time those horrible insulting comments. I have no time for mocking or taunting and you did well to not let it bother you at the time and hence give the jerks the satisfaction.
Obviously it depressed you significantly later and I feel for you but as I have said before, remember what you have already achieved and what you have to look forward to.
I wish you Happy Birthday in advance.
Hugs
Pamela
Dani, even though it has been said by others, it is worth saying it again: You are not a freak. None of us are.
We are people struggling with one of the greatest social challenges in modern society, and you should take pride in that. Your strength and courage are all too evident, and those jackasses can only wish they had even a fraction of what you have shown. Often people say such things out of their own insecurities and fears, engaging in destructive group behavior, and if they had even an once of your strength they wouldn't have said those things to begin with.
Love you girl, we should chat more again sometime it has been a while!
OH, and happy birthday!
Thank you all for your sweet words and birthday wishes! I really appreciate the fact that you all take the time to read and reply to this thread. It makes me feel better to know that I have your support.
The pride march was good. We went partying afterwards and I ran into my ex AND his new boyfriend. My ex was very sweet to me, hugged me and gifted me the trans pride flag that he was wearing. I kept my cool and said hi to them and even danced with them but it did hurt to see with my own eyes that he absolutely moved on. I cried a bit after I got home and hopefully it is the last time I cry, hopefully this chapter is finally over.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on July 02, 2018, 11:58:53 AM
Thank you all for your sweet words and birthday wishes! I really appreciate the fact that you all take the time to read and reply to this thread. It makes me feel better to know that I have your support.
The pride march was good. We went partying afterwards and I ran into my ex AND his new boyfriend. My ex was very sweet to me, hugged me and gifted me the trans pride flag that he was wearing. I kept my cool and said hi to them and even danced with them but it did hurt to see with my own eyes that he absolutely moved on. I cried a bit after I got home and hopefully it is the last time I cry, hopefully this chapter is finally over.
@Charlie Nicki Yes indeed, it is my thought also that it is past time for you to put this chapter behind you and move on....
... undoubtedly there will be exciting stuff ahead for you as you continue in your journey.... try to stay positive about yourself and your future.
Looking forward to your updates as you post them.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on July 02, 2018, 12:16:07 PM
@Charlie Nicki Yes indeed, it is my thought also that it is past time for you to put this chapter behind you and move on....
... undoubtedly there will be exciting stuff ahead for you as you continue in your journey.... try to stay positive about yourself and your future.
Looking forward to your updates as you post them.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Thank you Danielle.
Dani, you're a beautiful young woman. It's hard for anyone running into an ex, and adding the stress of transitioning... I think you handled yourself very graciously and I know you looked great doing it. I'm not surprised you were being checked out, I know what you're working with girl! You're gorgeous and everyone knows it [emoji173] we just gotta get used to the added attention!
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Quote from: Allison S on July 02, 2018, 04:52:41 PM
Dani, you're a beautiful young woman. It's hard for anyone running into an ex, and adding the stress of transitioning... I think you handled yourself very graciously and I know you looked great doing it. I'm not surprised you were being checked out, I know what you're working with girl! You're gorgeous and everyone knows it [emoji173] we just gotta get used to the added attention!
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Thank you honey! You've been a great friend and a great support.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on July 02, 2018, 11:58:53 AM
Thank you all for your sweet words and birthday wishes! I really appreciate the fact that you all take the time to read and reply to this thread. It makes me feel better to know that I have your support.
The pride march was good. We went partying afterwards and I ran into my ex AND his new boyfriend. My ex was very sweet to me, hugged me and gifted me the trans pride flag that he was wearing. I kept my cool and said hi to them and even danced with them but it did hurt to see with my own eyes that he absolutely moved on. I cried a bit after I got home and hopefully it is the last time I cry, hopefully this chapter is finally over.
@Charlie Nicki Hey girlfriend 🌸🌸🌸
@Allison S is so right, anyone seeing an ex they cared about would feel a pang of missing them. You handled it well in public and hopefully found closure.
I know you will get over this wall of recent emotions and start living as a woman. I personally know you are beautiful and will conquer the world of doubt.
Hugs and smiles, Jess
Quote from: Jessica on July 03, 2018, 12:12:32 AM
@Charlie Nicki
Hey girlfriend 🌸🌸🌸 @Allison S is so right, anyone seeing an ex they cared about would feel a pang of missing them. You handled it well in public and hopefully found closure.
I know you will get over this wall of recent emotions and start living as a woman. I personally know you are beautiful and will conquer the world of doubt.
Hugs and smiles, Jess
Thanks Jess, by the way I love your avatar picture.
I had an interesting rest of the week. I went back to work and they saw me in full female mode for the first time. It was almost like a non event, everyone was very natural about it and very welcoming. Just the perfect reaction I was hoping to get. Still trying to figure out how to interact with male co-workers, I feel awkward around them to say the least.
I feel like my passing ratio is very hit and miss. Sometimes I effortlessly pass and others I get misgendered or get stares. I still don't know if they're checking me out because I'm tall, because my breasts look good, because I look good, or if they're just wondering if I'm a man or a woman. In any case I think some face surgery is in my future. I am so pleased with the results of my breast augmentation and lipo that there's no way HRT could have ever given me the body shape I have now. It's probably the same for the face so I might get an extra help from my surgeon in the near future.
Emotionally, I'm still a mess. HRT is kicking my ass... Transitioning while heart broken? Not the best idea. Besides all the doubts and fears that naturally come with this process, I need to face loneliness and missing my ex. Cried again today, a lot.
Last night was my real birthday and I had fun (ruined this morning when I woke up feeling sad). I'm really hoping all the crying and suffering and feeling guilty and missing my old life ends soon. I definitely want to start enjoying my new life and my new self.
My therapist said something last night that I found a bit scary: He said his straight MTFs patients were at a bigger risk of detransitioning than his lesbian ones because of loneliness. He actually said none of his lesbian patients ever consider it while the straight ones do just because men don't want to date them or take them seriously.
I really really hope I never become part of those statistics.
That's weird your therapist told you that... Very negative. I meant to ask how your therapy went last night but I've been a huge ditz lately... I know we're going through just about the same things and my compliments may be expected, but you're making huge strides already. I don't know about other mtf women in your area/location, but you're not them. There's no way we can fully understand reasons for people detransitioning. I don't want to minimize or dismiss their life experience, but even if I was lonely and single (which I am), I still couldn't detransition.
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Yeah that was a weird thing for your therapist to say... Plenty of mtf women find fulfilling relationships, probably not even notably different from cis women honestly. (While cis women definitely more often in relationships period, countless are stuck in terrible ones. I think we have one advantage that at the end of the day, if we are in a loving, committed relationship we can count on the guy to be a better partner than most since a lot of the biggest >-bleeped-<s are filtered out by nature of us being trans. I mean, I have no experience to speak of, just feelings and ideas.)
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on July 10, 2018, 06:25:02 AM
My therapist said something last night that I found a bit scary: He said his straight MTFs patients were at a bigger risk of detransitioning than his lesbian ones because of loneliness. He actually said none of his lesbian patients ever consider it while the straight ones do just because men don't want to date them or take them seriously.
I really really hope I never become part of those statistics.
Why he felt this was something that would help you is beyond me....
To explain a bit further,
I casually remarked that I would have no issues in getting involved with a woman. Don't get me wrong, I'm attracted to men, but if there's ever a woman who pursues me and I find her interesting I wouldn't have a problem with experimenting. That led to him telling me that it was relief for him to hear that since lesbian trans women have a far better relationship record than straight ones. His comment was meant to be positive and I initially took it that way but this morning I woke up thinking about it, it sparked more fears in me.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on July 10, 2018, 10:25:55 AM
To explain a bit further,
I casually remarked that I would have no issues in getting involved with a woman. Don't get me wrong, I'm attracted to men, but if there's ever a woman who pursues me and I find her interesting I wouldn't have a problem with experimenting. That led to him telling me that it was relief for him to hear that since lesbian trans women have a far better relationship record than straight ones. His comment was meant to be positive and I initially took it that way but this morning I woke up thinking about it, it sparked more fears in me.
I do understand how it was mentioned in this exchange. He may have been trying to alleviate your fears of not always feeling your doing the right thing..... He should have possibly found a better way of supporting you with this statistic.
Hugs, Jess
That's a big adjustment to make with dating. So do you think your attraction changed since transitioning?
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Quote from: Allison S on July 10, 2018, 01:34:08 PM
That's a big adjustment to make with dating. So do you think your attraction changed since transitioning?
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Not at all hun. I'm still attracted to men and I've never been attracted to women per se...But I've come to realize that I'm open to the idea as long as my female identity is recognized. That being said, I've never actually felt that attraction towards any woman so it would take a very special person for me to go that way.
Hi
Myself In not certain if im A or Pan sexual - Cis sex was very difficult and not attracted to males as still se myself as too male and im not gay minded, never had the options to find out either, and too self obsessed with trying to transition from ugly man to ugly woman (and that will be so much better for me believe me). not cetain if I will change from this at all. GL in finding Love - doesn't mind where it comes from as long as its true and legal.
Hugz
Katie
:angel:
I think your therapist mentioning their perspective to gauge your perspective and not meant to cause you discomfort. It caused you discomfort and as such you owe it to them to provide feedback.
I have noticed in community those that first transition are forming their identity and take in all kinds of suggestions from others. You are in the process of a huge transition and it will take time to have a firm identity and know who you are. Give yourself some kudos, you are doing a fantastic job and have come a long way.
Quote from: Rachel on July 10, 2018, 07:09:36 PMGive yourself some kudos, you are doing a fantastic job and have come a long way.
I need to be reminded of this more often. I'm too hard on myself...focusing on the thing I lost instead of all the other things I've gained. I guess depression will do that to you. I'm working on getting over it, hopefully it happens soon.
U got this!! Depression is not fun and can suck the life out of us... well life is depressing. But DON'T listen to me!
Hope things make a turn for the positive for us both soon [emoji173]
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Quote from: Allison S on July 11, 2018, 12:58:24 PM
U got this!! Depression is not fun and can suck the life out of us... well life is depressing. But DON'T listen to me!
Hope things make a turn for the positive for us both soon [emoji173]
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Yes babe I hope so!
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on July 11, 2018, 10:37:31 AM
I need to be reminded of this more often. I'm too hard on myself...focusing on the thing I lost instead of all the other things I've gained. I guess depression will do that to you. I'm working on getting over it, hopefully it happens soon.
Hello Nicki, 18 July 2018
Gee, too hard on oneself? Never heard of that (sarc). Why not do what you want to do and forget about what anyone else wants you to do; it is, after all, your life and you have every right and obligation to live it in a way that makes you happy and that doesn't physically harm someone else; your personal happiness trumps everyone else's.
If you find attraction to a trans or cis female, great; if it makes you happy, all the better. Conversely, if you find attraction to a trans or cis male, the same applies.
It's your life, live it to the fullest; it's the only one you will ever have here on "Space Ship Earth."
Gotta go.
Best Always, Love,
Christine
Quote from: christinej78 on July 18, 2018, 03:48:10 PM
Hello Nicki, 18 July 2018
Gee, too hard on oneself? Never heard of that (sarc). Why not do what you want to do and forget about what anyone else wants you to do; it is, after all, your life and you have every right and obligation to live it in a way that makes you happy and that doesn't physically harm someone else; your personal happiness trumps everyone else's.
If you find attraction to a trans or cis female, great; if it makes you happy, all the better. Conversely, if you find attraction to a trans or cis male, the same applies.
It's your life, live it to the fullest; it's the only one you will ever have here on "Space Ship Earth."
Gotta go.
Best Always, Love,
Christine
Good advice Christine :)
So I got misgendered today by a makeup saleswoman, while being in female mode with my boobs clearly visible, eye makeup and my friend talking about me as a "she". The woman insisted in calling me a "he"...did it 3 times. I didn't say anything (I tend not to correct strangers, why bother?) but it made me feel bad, I thought I looked like a dude. I talked to a couple of friends about it and they told me there's a big chance she was doing it on purpose. That might be the case since I can't comprehend how she could be so stupid to refer to me as a he even after hearing my friend call me a she. Like even if she thought I was a big manly man, I'm pretty sure my boobs, long hair, earrings and the fact that my friend was referring to me as a female, was enough of a clue of my gender identity. So she kinda ruined my day for a bit but I'm mostly over it now.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on July 19, 2018, 03:53:38 PM
So I got misgendered today by a makeup saleswoman, while being in female mode with my boobs clearly visible, eye makeup and my friend talking about me as a "she". The woman insisted in calling me a "he"...did it 3 times. I didn't say anything (I tend not to correct strangers, why bother?) but it made me feel bad, I thought I looked like a dude. I talked to a couple of friends about it and they told me there's a big chance she was doing it on purpose. That might be the case since I can't comprehend how she could be so stupid to refer to me as a he even after hearing my friend call me a she. Like even if she thought I was a big manly man, I'm pretty sure my boobs, long hair, earrings and the fact that my friend was referring to me as a female, was enough of a clue of my gender identity. So she kinda ruined my day for a bit but I'm mostly over it now.
Hi Niki, 19 July 2018
Sorry you had to endure a clueless jackass; it was probably deliberate. There are all kinds of jerks in this world. Best thing to do is smile at them and not lose your temper; if you do, they win. Of course when she misgendered you, you could have responded back by misgendering her. Best is to smile, be polite, and not buy the product. I'm sure they aren't the only store in town. Don't let the S***heads get you down; people that have stupid agendas are stupid, and stupid cannot be fixed.
I'm sure you're a beautiful young lady so don't worry, you will be fine.
In my case, it'll be a miracle if anyone ever genders me correctly. I wear women's clothes, lots of pink, my boobs are starting to show and all I get are confused looks from men. It makes me happy and gives me a good laugh. I'm so old I'm past caring about a lot of things. I just do what I want to do and try never to harm anyone.
Best Always, Love,
Christine
Charlie Nicki
I am sorry this happened to you and I am inclined to agree it must have been deliberate and therefore it is intended as mockery and taunting and you know I really disapprove of that behavior. I am glad you appear to have recovered from the incident faster than last time (your comment 232).
Keep on going with your life and ignore the bigots.
Christine
I really like your reply and attitude in general. "Stupid agendas are stupid and stupid cannot be fixed"
In simple terms let us all think and say "To hell with the jerks".
I wish you both a good weekend
Hugs
Pamela
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on July 19, 2018, 03:53:38 PM
So I got misgendered today by a makeup saleswoman, while being in female mode with my boobs clearly visible, eye makeup and my friend talking about me as a "she". The woman insisted in calling me a "he"...did it 3 times. I didn't say anything (I tend not to correct strangers, why bother?) but it made me feel bad, I thought I looked like a dude. I talked to a couple of friends about it and they told me there's a big chance she was doing it on purpose. That might be the case since I can't comprehend how she could be so stupid to refer to me as a he even after hearing my friend call me a she. Like even if she thought I was a big manly man, I'm pretty sure my boobs, long hair, earrings and the fact that my friend was referring to me as a female, was enough of a clue of my gender identity. So she kinda ruined my day for a bit but I'm mostly over it now.
Hi Charlie Nicki,
It most definitely was deliberate. Have you considered complaining to the store manager. If word got out that the place was intolerant to transpeople, it might just hurt their sales. There are many trans-allies that wouldn't step foot in a place if they were being discriminatory to trans people. If nothing else you could possibly make this salesperson very uncomfortable for what she did.
Anyway, just a thought,
Paige :)
I'm a 38A after nearly 3 months of HRT, though it does seemed to have slowed down which works out well for me given I still present as male for work so it's fairly easy to hide, I'm hoping HRT will have more passing female facial features and body before my breasts develop further as I don't currently feel feminine enough to pass on a daily basis and if my chest were B - C cups I'd be in no position to hide them, no pain in them but the right one is itchy and larger than the left one as it stands.
That salesperson was probably just jealous...... that's just one small minded person out of six billion I know 2 wrongs doesn't make a right..... but maybe tear some strips off next time..or maybe just smile ... Just saying
anyway from your description of your self I think you were looking good .....anyhkw you are out and about that's awesome 🙏🙏🙏👍
Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. This is one crazy ride; so the situation with the sales lady happened on Thursday, and then on Friday night I went out to a club where women don't have to pay to get in, just men. And of course I didn't have to pay anything and was searched by the female bouncer instead of the male one. So I completely passed in that situation, no doubt about it. Made me feel good :)
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on July 23, 2018, 06:14:25 AM
Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. This is one crazy ride; so the situation with the sales lady happened on Thursday, and then on Friday night I went out to a club where women don't have to pay to get in, just men. And of course I didn't have to pay anything and was searched by the female bouncer instead of the male one. So I completely passed in that situation, no doubt about it. Made me feel good :)
Well done. :):)
I'm just seeing this. That makeup person is so full of it... some females can be very tacky and classless this way.
I had a security gaurd follow me outside a supermarket calling out at me very loudly "bro, sir, sir" and he was very aggressive. I don't know what he wanted and I never bothered finding out but I complained to the manager that I felt he came off very hostile and it made me uncomfortable.
I know this situation is very different, and honestly I don't know if my complaining even helped. I just felt I needed to do something and I'm glad I did in this situation.
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Quote from: Allison S on July 24, 2018, 10:36:51 AM
I'm just seeing this. That makeup person is so full of it... some females can be very tacky and classless this way.
I had a security gaurd follow me outside a supermarket calling out at me very loudly "bro, sir, sir" and he was very aggressive. I don't know what he wanted and I never bothered finding out but I complained to the manager that I felt he came off very hostile and it made me uncomfortable.
I know this situation is very different, and honestly I don't know if my complaining even helped. I just felt I needed to do something and I'm glad I did in this situation.
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Gosh girl! People can be so messy sometimes.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on July 19, 2018, 03:53:38 PM
So I got misgendered today by a makeup saleswoman, while being in female mode with my boobs clearly visible, eye makeup and my friend talking about me as a "she". The woman insisted in calling me a "he"...did it 3 times. I didn't say anything (I tend not to correct strangers, why bother?) but it made me feel bad, I thought I looked like a dude. I talked to a couple of friends about it and they told me there's a big chance she was doing it on purpose. That might be the case since I can't comprehend how she could be so stupid to refer to me as a he even after hearing my friend call me a she. Like even if she thought I was a big manly man, I'm pretty sure my boobs, long hair, earrings and the fact that my friend was referring to me as a female, was enough of a clue of my gender identity. So she kinda ruined my day for a bit but I'm mostly over it now.
I hope this clueless saleswoman made no sale. I may have played up a big sale for her, only to let her down by telling her that "she wasn't making a sale with this girl" then find a different associate.
Quote from: Allison S on July 24, 2018, 10:36:51 AM
I'm just seeing this. That makeup person is so full of it... some females can be very tacky and classless this way.
I had a security gaurd follow me outside a supermarket calling out at me very loudly "bro, sir, sir" and he was very aggressive. I don't know what he wanted and I never bothered finding out but I complained to the manager that I felt he came off very hostile and it made me uncomfortable.
I know this situation is very different, and honestly I don't know if my complaining even helped. I just felt I needed to do something and I'm glad I did in this situation.
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Hi Allison, 24 July 2018
Sorry you had to experience that obnoxious clown. If he/she would have put their hands on you, anywhere, for any reason, you have grounds for a lawsuit. You did the right thing by walking away and ignoring the jerk. There's always the possibility this was a fake security guard / cop; stopping could have resulted in dire consequences. Best to get in your car ASAP, lock the doors and windows and dial 911.
Best Always, Love,
Christine
Quote from: christinej78 on July 25, 2018, 05:30:03 PM
Hi Allison, 24 July 2018
Sorry you had to experience that obnoxious clown. If he/she would have put their hands on you, anywhere, for any reason, you have grounds for a lawsuit. You did the right thing by walking away and ignoring the jerk. There's always the possibility this was a fake security guard / cop; stopping could have resulted in dire consequences. Best to get in your car ASAP, lock the doors and windows and dial 911.
Best Always, Love,
Christine
Thank you, he did work there which is even worse. I was visiting my friend's area so I'll never be going back to that supermarket now that I know.
Quote from: Jessica on July 24, 2018, 04:08:06 PM
I hope this clueless saleswoman made no sale. I may have played up a big sale for her, only to let her down by telling her that "she wasn't making a sale with this girl" then find a different associate.
Lol that's a good one [emoji23] I don't understand these people's thought process. It's really sad they have no understanding and clearly lack any decency
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Quote from: Allison S on July 25, 2018, 06:37:31 PM
Thank you, he did work there which is even worse. I was visiting my friend's area so I'll never be going back to that supermarket now that I know.Lol that's a good one [emoji23] I don't understand these people's thought process. It's really sad they have no understanding and clearly lack any decency
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Hi Allison, 25 July 2018
"I don't understand these people's thought process. It's really sad they have no understanding and clearly lack any decency" Problem is these people are so stupid they don't know they're stupid and stupid can't be fixed.
Best Always, Love
Christine
I've been battling depression and heartbreak for almost a year now. Today is one of those days again, I haven't been able to get out of bed and I just feel demotivated and like life is pointless. Time and time again I wonder why is this happening to me? Is there a lesson I need to learn here? What's the meaning of all of this?
I feel lonely, unlovable, worthless, and these feelings come and go often. I just want them to stop, I want to feel emotionally stable and happy. It's so exhausting to feel like this.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on July 26, 2018, 09:57:34 AM
I've been battling depression and heartbreak for almost a year now. Today is one of those days again, I haven't been able to get out of bed and I just feel demotivated and like life is pointless. Time and time again I wonder why is this happening to me? Is there a lesson I need to learn here? What's the meaning of all of this?
I feel lonely, unlovable, worthless, and these feelings come and go often. I just want them to stop, I want to feel emotionally stable and happy. It's so exhausting to feel like this.
Hey girlfriend, it hurts me that you are feeling down again. I know you've had many ups and downs. You always make it back to a happy spot eventually. Life sometimes is reaching for that happy spot while avoiding the lows. Very exhausting at times.
Love ya sis, Jess
ps: I will WhatsApp you
You need to talk this over with your therapist but my guess is your still feeling pain from breaking up with your ex. There is a saying that it takes as long to get over a breakup as the relationship lasted. I don't think that's true of really long relationships of over 5-10 years but it can take years to get over losing somebody close to you. I know when my roommate passed away, it took about 3 years before I was able to go days without thinking of her. Even now at 5 years, I occasionally have moments where I can still see her in my mind doing something that she would have done. It's difficult however it will get better with time and if you stay active with other things.
Quote from: Dena on July 26, 2018, 04:24:44 PM
You need to talk this over with your therapist but my guess is your still feeling pain from breaking up with your ex. There is a saying that it takes as long to get over a breakup as the relationship lasted. I don't think that's true of really long relationships of over 5-10 years but it can take years to get over losing somebody close to you. I know when my roommate passed away, it took about 3 years before I was able to go days without thinking of her. Even now at 5 years, I occasionally have moments where I can still see her in my mind doing something that she would have done. It's difficult however it will get better with time and if you stay active with other things.
You're right. I keep thinking my hormones might be messing with my emotions as well, maybe I'm taking too much estrogen, I have an appointment with the endo next month and will discuss the possibility of lowering my dose. I could just lower it by myself right now but I want to avoid the temptation of doing that until I see my test results.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on July 26, 2018, 04:51:12 PM
You're right. I keep thinking my hormones might be messing with my emotions as well, maybe I'm taking too much estrogen, I have an appointment with the endo next month and will discuss the possibility of lowering my dose. I could just lower it by myself right now but I want to avoid the temptation of doing that until I see my test results.
Hi Charlie Nicki,
I wonder if you could get your blood levels checked before you go to your endo.
Take care,
Paige :)
Quote from: Paige on July 27, 2018, 12:53:09 PM
Hi Charlie Nicki,
I wonder if you could get your blood levels checked before you go to your endo.
Take care,
Paige :)
Yes that's exactly what I have to do before going. My appointment is one month away, so I'll take the test one week before.
Mmmm that interesting about hormones messing with the emotions.....I had a melt down today at work .....hmmmm maybe seeing an endo is worthwhile ?
I don't know about that. I significantly lowered my estrogen dosage and still feel equally emotional. Perhaps, greater than. If you're endocrinologically female, chances are you're going to get those "feels" associated with your internal and extenal stimulus at heightened proportions. Whether your blood levels are in the thousands, or even in the hundreds. The satiation will not make too much of a difference as the receptors down-regulate accordingly. It's not like you can stack effects. What's really going on is you are growing accustomed to what it feels like to have female hormones as the dominate contributors rather than testosterone calling the shots. Talk with your endocrinologist of course, and see what he/she suggests.
I'm still feeling some emotional distress with a breakup I endured around 9 months ago, but I feel significantly better about it now than I did in the beginning. "Time heals dead wounds, and the memories of people we no longer care about." By the way, I got this quote from a crazy film I liked. Don't take it too seriously. I've just been looking for places to apply it. :laugh:
Hope you feel better.
I had an emotional breakdown yesterday. It was awful, I cried for 4 hours straight and had to take pills to calm down and get some rest. Basically I feel lonely and sad most of the time. I just want everything to stop but I don't know what to do, it feels like I'm never getting out of this hole.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 09, 2018, 08:55:48 AM
I had an emotional breakdown yesterday. It was awful, I cried for 4 hours straight and had to take pills to calm down and get some rest. Basically I feel lonely and sad most of the time. I just want everything to stop but I don't know what to do, it feels like I'm never getting out of this hole.
@Charlie Nicki I am so very sorry to hear of what you are dealing with. It must be the time of the year, there seems to be a lot of members here that are down in the dumps, depressed, and dealing with difficult issues. When not surrounded by supportive friends it can be a most difficult time to deal with these types of emotional distress.
Is there a friend or counselor that you can spend a little time with, talking, conversing, crying on their shoulder, etc??? ... or even just taking a walk with them, or having a coffee with them... or, etc, etc. ???
If none of that is available to you then try to get involved in something that will help to take your mind off of your problems..... writing in your journal? a hobby? walking, running jogging? working out at the gym? cooking? baking? going to a hair and nail salon to get pampered always makes me forget about my problems and at the same time boosts my self-confidence when I see the results in the mirror!!!
****In conclusion, do whatever it takes to get yourself back to your happy place. Visit many of the threads here and you will see that you are not alone with despondent feelings... there are threads here that will be an optimistic source of encouragement for you.... take some time to consider what I have said here... do some surfing of the threads here on the Forums.
---> At the bottom of my message here are links to some of my threads which may be a source of encouragement to you.
Here on the Forums you have a lot of members that follow your thread and that care about your well-being.
Please keep us all updated.
Hugs and hugs, and more hugs,
Danielle
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 09, 2018, 08:55:48 AM
I had an emotional breakdown yesterday. It was awful, I cried for 4 hours straight and had to take pills to calm down and get some rest. Basically I feel lonely and sad most of the time. I just want everything to stop but I don't know what to do, it feels like I'm never getting out of this hole.
Oh god, sweetie, I'm so sorry you are going through that. Danielle hit the important notes, so all I can say is that despite that I know it might not mean too much, just remember you have a ton of people here who are behind you.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 09, 2018, 08:55:48 AM
I had an emotional breakdown yesterday. It was awful, I cried for 4 hours straight and had to take pills to calm down and get some rest. Basically I feel lonely and sad most of the time. I just want everything to stop but I don't know what to do, it feels like I'm never getting out of this hole.
I wish I could give you a big hug. All I can say is that I've been in the dumps for the last 5 years not knowing what to do. I'm still confused about what to do about my gender dysphoria, I continue to take low dose and slowly transition, but out of the blue some things have started to turn around in my life. In particular a job has come out of no where that could be a perfect fit for me.
I'm almost 56, I was so hopeless, I was constantly thinking terrible thoughts. I guess I'm telling you this because when you're down, you don't think things can get better but that's a symptom of depression. You're a lot younger than me, you have so many opportunities ahead of you. Don't be so sure you know how your life will continue.
Take care of yourself, things will get better,
Paige :)
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 09, 2018, 08:55:48 AM
I had an emotional breakdown yesterday. It was awful, I cried for 4 hours straight and had to take pills to calm down and get some rest. Basically I feel lonely and sad most of the time. I just want everything to stop but I don't know what to do, it feels like I'm never getting out of this hole.
Charlie Nicki honey I know how you feel. I have done that a lot lately. I have lost just about everything including my girlfriend of 10 years all in 5 months and I am very lonely also. I really don't comment on many peoples post because I simply do not know what to say and I really am not good at putting good sentences together like Danielle and Ellie and others. I do want you to know that I care just like all the others and you will get out of the hole your in just like I will.
I really think girls like us are tougher than anyone on the planet because of the amount of crap we go through.
Hang in there girl you can do this I have no doubt. Hit me up on here or FaceBook if you ever want to talk.
Big Hugz
Chelsea
Quote from: Paige on August 09, 2018, 10:19:22 AM
I guess I'm telling you this because when you're down, you don't think things can get better but that's a symptom of depression.
This helps me too. I know my transition has been a spiral downward, but somehow I feel like if I can just hold on a while longer... Who knows. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Charlie feel better, we're all here for you
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Quote from: Chelsea on August 09, 2018, 10:33:38 AM
Charlie Nicki honey I know how you feel. I have done that a lot lately. I have lost just about everything including my girlfriend of 10 years all in 5 months and I am very lonely also. I really don't comment on many peoples post because I simply do not know what to say and I really am not good at putting good sentences together like Danielle and Ellie and others. I do want you to know that I care just like all the others and you will get out of the hole your in just like I will.
I really think girls like us are tougher than anyone on the planet because of the amount of crap we go through.
Hang in there girl you can do this I have no doubt. Hit me up on here or FaceBook if you ever want to talk.
Big Hugz
Chelsea
Thank you Chelsea, I just sent you a friend request and a message on Facebook.
Thank you everyone else that commented. I really appreciate your support.
Focus on self love. It helps me a lot through tough times. Look at your body and face, and place your hand across yourself and tell yourself that you are here for you. That you love you. Truly feel it in your heart. That eases the pain quite noticeably and brings some really good emotions. No matter what, you will always have you. Remember that you are a prize, and people whom do not give you the respect you deserve are not worthy of you. You deserve so much better, and will not respect those whom do not respect yourself. You are the master of your own. 💗
Be prepared to say no to those whom do not say yes.
Quote from: xAmyX on August 09, 2018, 05:49:21 PM
Focus on self love. It helps me a lot through tough times. Look at your body and face, and place your hand across yourself and tell yourself that you are here for you. That you love you. Truly feel it in your heart. That eases the pain quite noticeably and brings some really good emotions. No matter what, you will always have you. Remember that you are a prize, and people whom do not give you the respect you deserve are not worthy of you. You deserve so much better, and will not respect those whom do not respect yourself. You are the master of your own. [emoji175]
Be prepared to say no to those whom do not say yes.
Wow Amy this is good advice. I haven't tried it but I will. Thank you so much.
Quote from: xAmyX on August 09, 2018, 05:49:21 PM
Focus on self love. It helps me a lot through tough times. Look at your body and face, and place your hand across yourself and tell yourself that you are here for you. That you love you. Truly feel it in your heart. That eases the pain quite noticeably and brings some really good emotions. No matter what, you will always have you. Remember that you are a prize, and people whom do not give you the respect you deserve are not worthy of you. You deserve so much better, and will not respect those whom do not respect yourself. You are the master of your own. 💗
Be prepared to say no to those whom do not say yes.
OMG that is great advice! Wonderful!
You're welcome! Thank you as well. I'm glad I can help. (:
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 09, 2018, 08:55:48 AM
I had an emotional breakdown yesterday. It was awful, I cried for 4 hours straight and had to take pills to calm down and get some rest. Basically I feel lonely and sad most of the time. I just want everything to stop but I don't know what to do, it feels like I'm never getting out of this hole.
I am so sorry you are once again encountering problems and I promise you I do know how painful and demotivating depression is. Others have provided sound advice. All I an add is that I am thinking of you and praying for you.
Now I send you hugs and more hugs.
Pamela xxxx
Quote from: pamelatransuk on August 10, 2018, 06:18:21 AM
I am so sorry you are once again encountering problems and I promise you I do know how painful and demotivating depression is. Others have provided sound advice. All I an add is that I am thinking of you and praying for you.
Now I send you hugs and more hugs.
Pamela xxxx
Thank you Pamela, I really appreciate it. It's been a rough week.
@Charlie Nicki Hey girlfriend 🌸🌸🌸 It was wonderful seeing you out with your friends last night. Human interaction is crucial for living a full life, and it can take your mind off of your problems. You'll have visitors coming up soon, I wish I was able to be one, someday I hope to do so.
Hugs and smiles, your dear friend Jess 🤗
Quote from: Jessica on August 10, 2018, 09:18:07 AM
@Charlie Nicki
Hey girlfriend [emoji254][emoji254][emoji254] It was wonderful seeing you out with your friends last night. Human interaction is crucial for living a full life, and it can take your mind off of your problems. You'll have visitors coming up soon, I wish I was able to be one, someday I hope to do so.
Hugs and smiles, your dear friend Jess [emoji847]
Thanks Jess. My emotions are all over the place. I mostly feel depressed but there are glimpses of happiness and hope here and there.
@Charlie Nicki Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 11, 2018, 12:10:50 AM
Thanks Jess. My emotions are all over the place. I mostly feel depressed but there are glimpses of happiness and hope here and there.
One thing I have noticed is that you personally always find your way out of that deep pit of despair.
Is it because you know deep down that you are doing the right thing, that you know if it was any different that you would feel something was lacking?
What has helped me is the true feeling that I would be missing out on something important if I stopped searching for the path I'm on. It's a search everyday, finding new solid ground to make my next step. But step I must, for the future is looking at us as we peer into the mist of uncertainty and the future does not wait.
Hugs and smiles, your sister Jess
Hey there Charlie nicki
I've been following your progress for some time now, it's unfortunate that you're feeling this way, I've been there before so I know how it feels.
The best medicine is to keep yourself busy, physically and mentally. Have you tried going to go the gym? Gym once got me out of depression, and I'm sure it's helping me stay away from it.
Recently I started having more time to kill, which made my mind think about a lot of negative stuff like: " I don't pass, I have no friends, my life sucks, and etc."
So I felt like if I started having these thoughts constantly I would go back to that less than pleasant time. But I decided to go on Udemy, and picked up a bunch of courses like Reiki master class, programming language, photography, and a new language.
Those negative thoughts went away almost instantly, and were replaced with thoughts like " I can't wait to finish this course so i can learn another skill"
Bottom line is, try to keep yourself busy, you can even take your car for a quick drive, or watch a movie by yourself. It'll help you discover yourself.
The world is your oyster, so go conquer it! :)
Quote from: Jessica on August 11, 2018, 12:22:17 AM
@Charlie Nicki
One thing I have noticed is that you personally always find your way out of that deep pit of despair.
Is it because you know deep down that you are doing the right thing, that you know if it was any different that you would feel something was lacking?
What has helped me is the true feeling that I would be missing out on something important if I stopped searching for the path I'm on. It's a search everyday, finding new solid ground to make my next step. But step I must, for the future is looking at us as we peer into the mist of uncertainty and the future does not wait.
Hugs and smiles, your sister Jess
I'm doing much better now sis. Friends helped, you included, and also going to a wonderful trans support group session yesterday :) I really had a lot of fun.
Also, as to what makes me know deep down that I'm doing the right thing, well the other day when I was still super down I was talking to @Denise and she asked "do you think you're a better person now that you were before transitioning?" and it turned on a lightbulb in my head. The answer is definitely yes, I'm much more compassionate, empathetic, understanding, full of love and calmed than I was before. I had a lot of rage (something I wasn't really aware of) that came out the wrong way in the most random moments for no real reason. I got upset easily, and could get mean and aggressive (sometimes physically but it was mostly just me being nasty towards people if I was angry). I never knew why, I just thought that was my personality. Today I can say it really wasn't my real personality, it was just a lot of frustration taken out the wrong way. I deal with things that upset me a lot differently now. I'm glad for that. Transition is definitely not easy but through the hardships I see good things that make me smile.
Quote from: EvaT on August 11, 2018, 12:27:50 AM
Hey there Charlie nicki
I've been following your progress for some time now, it's unfortunate that you're feeling this way, I've been there before so I know how it feels.
The best medicine is to keep yourself busy, physically and mentally. Have you tried going to go the gym? Gym once got me out of depression, and I'm sure it's helping me stay away from it.
Recently I started having more time to kill, which made my mind think about a lot of negative stuff like: " I don't pass, I have no friends, my life sucks, and etc."
So I felt like if I started having these thoughts constantly I would go back to that less than pleasant time. But I decided to go on Udemy, and picked up a bunch of courses like Reiki master class, programming language, photography, and a new language.
Those negative thoughts went away almost instantly, and were replaced with thoughts like " I can't wait to finish this course so i can learn another skill"
Bottom line is, try to keep yourself busy, you can even take your car for a quick drive, or watch a movie by yourself. It'll help you discover yourself.
The world is your oyster, so go conquer it! :)
Hi Eva,
Yes your advice is really good! I definitely try to make myself busy as much as I can. This week I had a lot of free time because I'm recovering from surgery and that triggered the depression. Thankfully I'll be back to work tomorrow so things will slowly go back to normal.
@Charlie Nicki Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 12, 2018, 03:43:48 PM
I'm doing much better now sis. Friends helped, you included, and also going to a wonderful trans support group session yesterday :) I really had a lot of fun.
Also, as to what makes me know deep down that I'm doing the right thing, well the other day when I was still super down I was talking to @Denise and she asked "do you think you're a better person now that you were before transitioning?" and it turned on a lightbulb in my head. The answer is definitely yes, I'm much more compassionate, empathetic, understanding, full of love and calmed than I was before. I had a lot of rage (something I wasn't really aware of) that came out the wrong way in the most random moments for no real reason. I got upset easily, and could get mean and aggressive (sometimes physically but it was mostly just me being nasty towards people if I was angry). I never knew why, I just thought that was my personality. Today I can say it really wasn't my real personality, it was just a lot of frustration taken out the wrong way. I deal with things that upset me a lot differently now. I'm glad for that. Transition is definitely not easy but through the hardships I see good things that make me smile.
We have been through our ups and downs and all the while giving the support we hope will be the one thing to make it easy. Although our online support is tangible and real, the support you get when you look into someone's eyes, hold their trembling hands, hugging in joyful reality, is above all the most healing.
Love you sister, I'm so happy you're doing better 🌸🌸🌸
I love that question from Denise. "Are you a better person?". I'm glad to hear your answer Charlie, I hope someday to have a better understanding of myself through the "lens of my transition" so to speak... Not to be negative on your thread, but lately I feel like the emotional pain I'm experiencing is like a knife piercing through me inch by inch. I don't know if it was hrt that's causing the torment or I'm releasing the pain. Maybe pulling the knife out? Sorry for the weird image but that's how it feels sometimes...
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Hello again Charlie Nicki
It appears from your latest post that you are feeling better both in the short term and in the long term.
It appears you have overcome your recent depression but more importantly you view your whole personality and attitude and character differently and substantially for the better presumably as the true you has now surfaced.
I am very happy for you with regard to both.
Hugs
Pamela
Quote from: Allison S on August 12, 2018, 05:09:49 PM
I love that question from Denise. "Are you a better person?". I'm glad to hear your answer Charlie, I hope someday to have a better understanding of myself through the "lens of my transition" so to speak... Not to be negative on your thread, but lately I feel like the emotional pain I'm experiencing is like a knife piercing through me inch by inch. I don't know if it was hrt that's causing the torment or I'm releasing the pain. Maybe pulling the knife out? Sorry for the weird image but that's how it feels sometimes...
Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Sweetie, vent away! It's not being negative, it's reality. We all go through it. I hope you're better today, I'll text you now.
Thank you Pamela and Jess, yeah I'm definitely feeling better. Having a lot to do at work and university is a blessing!
I meant to post this a while ago:
So I had a visit from Kendra and Denise (girls in this forum) and we had so much fun on the weekend of August 18th. It was a long one because it was a holiday in Colombia. So overall an amazing weekend and I think both of the girls have spoken about it in different threads.
What I wanted to share is something that happened to me on both Saturday and Sunday of that weekend. I was approached both days by 2 different people that I didn't know at all, but who knew who I was thanks to social media. They were both presenting as males but told me they're MTF trans and wanted to transition but didn't know what to do, I will refer to them in male pronouns since that's what they did. The one on Saturday told me he tried committing suicide last year and that he was scared to try because his parents were very religious. The one on Sunday told me his parents were military and sexist and he was also scared. Also told me I was an inspiration and his idol. I told them both to keep in touch but haven't heard back from them (probably went into the denial phase again?).
I was shocked by both encounters. I didn't expect it nor did I think my story had reached and inspired people that I didn't even know. I don't even have that big of a following on social media so it was definitely a surprise. A good one. It made me feel happy that I am able to help and inspire people just by being myself and facing my demons every day. I hope I can help more people. And I hope those 2 find happiness soon.
To all of you going through your transition openly in life and social media like me, I know this is difficult, I know we lose things, we cry a lot, we face discrimination and sometimes wish we weren't trans. But there are people out there inspired by our stories, inspired by our struggles. And I know it gets so hard that ending it all seems like the best option frequently (I know I've been there a lot of times)...Please remember you can make a difference, and you are unknowingly inspiring many people. Please keep remember that and keep fighting.
Wow that's great.
I dunno if I read your story or not (sorry, I just reg here and rush into everything without exploring so I still trying to read everything you people already wrote here), but I've seen few stories about trans who goes public. They really inspire people and help to think "if they can why the hell I can't?" I mean when people start looking for info they usually see that ones who known for being transgenders in first place, and only after that they coming to communities.
Thank you for what you doing :)
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 28, 2018, 04:05:37 PM
I meant to post this a while ago:
So I had a visit from Kendra and Denise (girls in this forum) and we had so much fun on the weekend of August 18th. It was a long one because it was a holiday in Colombia. So overall an amazing weekend and I think both of the girls have spoken about it in different threads.
What I wanted to share is something that happened to me on both Saturday and Sunday of that weekend. I was approached both days by 2 different people that I didn't know at all, but who knew who I was thanks to social media. They were both presenting as males but told me they're MTF trans and wanted to transition but didn't know what to do, I will refer to them in male pronouns since that's what they did. The one on Saturday told me he tried committing suicide last year and that he was scared to try because his parents were very religious. The one on Sunday told me his parents were military and sexist and he was also scared. Also told me I was an inspiration and his idol. I told them both to keep in touch but haven't heard back from them (probably went into the denial phase again?).
I was shocked by both encounters. I didn't expect it nor did I think my story had reached and inspired people that I didn't even know. I don't even have that big of a following on social media so it was definitely a surprise. A good one. It made me feel happy that I am able to help and inspire people just by being myself and facing my demons every day. I hope I can help more people. And I hope those 2 find happiness soon.
To all of you going through your transition openly in life and social media like me, I know this is difficult, I know we lose things, we cry a lot, we face discrimination and sometimes wish we weren't trans. But there are people out there inspired by our stories, inspired by our struggles. And I know it gets so hard that ending it all seems like the best option frequently (I know I've been there a lot of times)...Please remember you can make a difference, and you are unknowingly inspiring many people. Please keep remember that and keep fighting.
Hey girlfriend 🌸🌸🌸 You've been an inspiration for me since we started. I may not be here if it wasn't for you ......directly you. Doesn't seem that long ago, time flys.
I'm happy that you were able to, by firsthand account, see what an impact someone can have.
Hugs and smiles from a California girl
@Charlie Nicki
Wow I'm on awe... You're inspiring so many people (including myself) so much so that they're approaching you... That's incredible!! We really never know what's right around the corner...good and bad..
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We are all inspiring others! This is not an easy path. And it's moments like those that make me really understand why people call us brave.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 29, 2018, 07:08:50 PM
We are all inspiring others! This is not an easy path. And it's moments like those that make me really understand why people call us brave.
Charlie Nicki I was so happy to read your last few post. I had a few tears fall. I'm so happy that you are feeling better and it great to have you as a friend. Yes you are a inspiration and you have made my day. :)
Hugs,
Chelsea
Quote from: Chelsea on August 30, 2018, 12:53:54 PM
Charlie Nicki I was so happy to read your last few post. I had a few tears fall. I'm so happy that you are feeling better and it great to have you as a friend. Yes you are a inspiration and you have made my day. :)
Hugs,
Chelsea
Awww that's very sweet of you to say Chelsea! I'm always a text away if you need me, my friend <3.
Good things never last. Depression came back and I'm reliving heart break and feeling worthless. Wishing I could go back in time and tell the old me not to do this, to just suck it up and live like a man which is probably easier than dealing with all the consequences that come with transition.
I haven't been able to get out of bed, had to call in sick to work and haven't done anything I'm supposed to, including homework for school. Just want to sleep forever.
Mmmm I know that feeling .....when my best friend passed Away .....i couldnt get out of bed for days.... I feel for you..... I know what it's like..... even now sometimes I have to catch myself... but just remember it will pass
be strong ....trans people are brave..... you therefore are too.... we are with you 😘
Quote from: Drexy/Drex on September 03, 2018, 11:07:23 AM
Mmmm I know that feeling .....when my best friend passed Away .....i couldnt get out of bed for days.... I feel for you..... I know what it's like..... even now sometimes I have to catch myself... but just remember it will pass
be strong ....trans people are brave..... you therefore are too.... we are with you 😘
Thanks Drexy.
Charlie Nicki
I feel for you once again and I know it is so difficult to change your thinking and attitude when depression rears its ugly head and takes over your mind.
However two things I do know that apply to you are:
1. You have come along way and achieved so much
2. You have overcome previous disappointments and hurdles.
Therefore I am confident you will bounce back again and I hope shortly.
Sending love
Pamela xx
Quote from: pamelatransuk on September 04, 2018, 04:08:31 AM
Charlie Nicki
I feel for you once again and I know it is so difficult to change your thinking and attitude when depression rears its ugly head and takes over your mind.
However two things I do know that apply to you are:
1. You have come along way and achieved so much
2. You have overcome previous disappointments and hurdles.
Therefore I am confident you will bounce back again and I hope shortly.
Sending love
Pamela xx
Hi Pamela,
Thank you for checking in and sending your good vibes. I think I'm going through a never ending cycle that I need to break somehow. I'm not sure of what I'm doing wrong, tomorrow I have an appointment with a new therapist my ex recommended. Maybe she can help. I don't want to feel hopeless but that's exactly what I feel, so if she can somehow help me I'll feel better.
[emoji45] wish I was over this slump myself. I often feel worthless and to be honest pathetic even.. I hope your therapy appt goes well and you can give you what you need.. We worry about you and don't want you bottling up your emotions. We're human it's gonna all come out somehow...this pain is temporary in this chapter..you will have many more[emoji173]
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Quote from: Allison S on September 04, 2018, 08:50:07 PM
[emoji45] wish I was over this slump myself. I often feel worthless and to be honest pathetic even.. I hope your therapy appt goes well and you can give you what you need.. We worry about you and don't want you bottling up your emotions. We're human it's gonna all come out somehow...this pain is temporary in this chapter..you will have many more[emoji173]
Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Babe, we're in this together. Texting you right now.
Thank you [emoji173]
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Why are mornings tough? During the day I get better mainly because I get distracted at work and being around people and then I can get home at night and feel mostly fine. But then when the morning comes I feel terrible again. I hate this.
I know it is hard girl but there are lots of people that love and care about you and will love you, you are a great person and it will get better, everyone gets a rough time and you can get out of this you are strong beautiful girl you can do this, ;)
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 06, 2018, 04:17:08 AM
Why are mornings tough? During the day I get better mainly because I get distracted at work and being around people and then I can get home at night and feel mostly fine. But then when the morning comes I feel terrible again. I hate this.
Hugs to you sweetheart!
Text me if you would like.
I'm here for you.
So tell me dear friend....how are your boobs doing???
Hugs and smiles, Jess
cc:
@Charlie Nicki
Quote from: Jessica on January 24, 2019, 01:46:28 PM
So tell me dear friend....how are your boobs doing???
Hugs and smiles, Jess
cc: @Charlie Nicki
Oh hi sis. Long time, no update here. Well now that you ask, I might as well go back to the original topic of this thread and actually talk about my boobs :D. I started progesterone 2 months ago via injections (adding it to my estradiol valerate) and I've seen a few changes:
1. Boobs are hurting again and I'm positive they look a bit plumper so they're definitely growing.
2. I'm hungry ALL THE TIME! This is probably the first time since I've been on hormones (which is a year and a half now) that I crave food all the time...Even when I think I'm full, it seems like half an hour later my body is ready to eat again. I really like this because I'm naturally thin and want more curves and seems like my body is asking for fat to store it in the feminine places. I've also gotten compliments from my girlfriends lately telling me that my jeans look cuter and my butt looks nicer... So I guess I'm filling up :) I've gained 10 pounds in the past 2 months and want to gain another 10, so I'm eating anything I want and I quit the gym.
3. My nails went from being super brittle to being strong again. I recently realized this...I went to get my nails done and the girl doing it was like "wow you got strong nails!" she caught me completely by surprise because the last 6-8 months my nails were anything but strong...they were breaking all the time! I couldn't even keep them at a decent length. So after she said that, I realized my nails are longer than usual and not breaking at all! I didn't even know progesterone could do that? Can someone confirm if that's the case?
4. I seem to be more stable when it comes to crying. I went from not being able to cry when I was pre HRT, to crying about absolutely anything while on HRT, and now it seems like I'm right in the middle, still way more sensitive than before HRT but not on the verge of crying about silly stuff. It seems to work differently now, like not everything makes me cry, but when something does, it's like a huge door was open and it's super intense and I let it all out.
5. I seem to be getting a little bit of acne on my face? Nothing outrageous, just really small zits that you can barely see, but my skin was 100% clear before this. Now I don't know if this is a product of progesterone or just the fact that I've been eating a lot more chocolate lately. In any case, it's another signal that my body is going through changes and I like it!
That's all I have to report for today :). Progesterone users, if you can confirm/deny some of my suspicions I would greatly appreciate it.
Quote from: Jessica on January 24, 2019, 01:46:28 PM
So tell me dear friend....how are your boobs doing???
Hugs and smiles, Jess
cc: @Charlie Nicki
@Jessica Dear Jessica:That for sure is quite a question to ask a girl or a woman.
Just imagine if a man asked that question to a woman??? ... friends or not!
I know that you are a good friend of hers and you have shared many postings with Charlie Nicki,
so I know that all is definitely OK
I just had to chuckle a little. ;) ;)
Hugs,
Danielle@Charlie NickiDear Charlie Nicki:It is a pleasure to read your transition report... thanks for updating your thread and updating your followers.
It has been a long time,
5 months, since your posted on your thread and I am glad to see that you have posted again.
Thank you for sharing and posting
Hugs,
Danielle
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on January 24, 2019, 02:11:54 PM
@Jessica
Dear Jessica:
That for sure is quite a question to ask a girl or a woman.
Just imagine if a man asked that question to a woman??? ... friends or not!
I know that you are a good friend of hers and you have shared many postings with Charlie Nicki,
so I know that all is definitely OK
I just had to chuckle a little. ;) ;)
Hugs,
Danielle
@Charlie Nicki
Dear Charlie Nicki:
It is a pleasure to read your transition report... thanks for updating your thread and updating your followers.
It has been a long time, 5 months, since your posted on your thread and I am glad to see that you have posted again.
Thank you for sharing and posting
Hugs,
Danielle
Thanks for your message Danielle :)
Charlie Nicki
Nice to read your latest summary. I am glad that your transition is progressing well.
You sound upbeat and I am so happy for you and wish you further success.
Hugs
Pamela
@Charlie NickiQuote from: Charlie Nicki on January 24, 2019, 02:00:05 PM
Oh hi sis. Long time, no update here. Well now that you ask, I might as well go back to the original topic of this thread and actually talk about my boobs :D. I started progesterone 2 months ago via injections (adding it to my estradiol valerate) and I've seen a few changes:
1. Boobs are hurting again and I'm positive they look a bit plumper so they're definitely growing.
2. I'm hungry ALL THE TIME! This is probably the first time since I've been on hormones (which is a year and a half now) that I crave food all the time...Even when I think I'm full, it seems like half an hour later my body is ready to eat again. I really like this because I'm naturally thin and want more curves and seems like my body is asking for fat to store it in the feminine places. I've also gotten compliments from my girlfriends lately telling me that my jeans look cuter and my butt looks nicer... So I guess I'm filling up :) I've gained 10 pounds in the past 2 months and want to gain another 10, so I'm eating anything I want and I quit the gym.
3. My nails went from being super brittle to being strong again. I recently realized this...I went to get my nails done and the girl doing it was like "wow you got strong nails!" she caught me completely by surprise because the last 6-8 months my nails were anything but strong...they were breaking all the time! I couldn't even keep them at a decent length. So after she said that, I realized my nails are longer than usual and not breaking at all! I didn't even know progesterone could do that? Can someone confirm if that's the case?
4. I seem to be more stable when it comes to crying. I went from not being able to cry when I was pre HRT, to crying about absolutely anything while on HRT, and now it seems like I'm right in the middle, still way more sensitive than before HRT but not on the verge of crying about silly stuff. It seems to work differently now, like not everything makes me cry, but when something does, it's like a huge door was open and it's super intense and I let it all out.
5. I seem to be getting a little bit of acne on my face? Nothing outrageous, just really small zits that you can barely see, but my skin was 100% clear before this. Now I don't know if this is a product of progesterone or just the fact that I've been eating a lot more chocolate lately. In any case, it's another signal that my body is going through changes and I like it!
That's all I have to report for today :). Progesterone users, if you can confirm/deny some of my suspicions I would greatly appreciate it.
I'm very happy that changes for you are happening finally, I know you struggled with the apparent lack there of.
I've watched your transition from the very first days, as you have mine. and I truly can say in my earliest/scariest months, I would have found it hard to see a light up ahead if we weren't there for each other.
Awww, there I go getting teary.
1: Have you spoken to your doctor if your now, long awaited, apparent awakening of the thread title mentioning
boobs will have a good effect on your BA?
2: I've also gained 10 lbs during the holidays and it too has made an impact on my butt, hips and thighs. But be aware that I've needed to exercise the abdominals to keep my waist from expanding.
3: I haven't heard of reports that progesterone increases nail strength, but if it's true, I have more of a standing with my request for that from my doctor. I unfortunately damaged my pretty nails while camping on the beach, roughhousing with our Dune Buggy. They were a cue that I loved having. They have nearly grown out enough again to consider which color this time.
4: Emotions are a two edged sword. Embracing them can overwhelm you, and trying to squelch them can be as overwhelming. But it sure is nice when they don't send you into a tailspin.
5: Acne!?! You've got the body of a teenage girl now, but chocolate is always a cure for what ails you.
Big congratulations on all this great news sister!
Hugs and smiles, Jess
Jessica asked what everyone's thinking [emoji23]
"Charlie Nicki" weird calling you that! Haha now I know how it is for you referring to me lol
Girl! Those are all great things!! I didn't know all that was happening, but I did notice your really nice hour glass shape coming through in your insta video. Wow! You've got some serious curves there!
And hey you can still eat and go to the gym to look pretty there (but don't work your butt off! You need your butt! We all do lol)..
I'm 16 months on hrt on Tuesday, but I noticed my nails are getting stronger too! Well, just now when you mentioned that I realize this lol. They used to break off so easily [emoji37]
Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Quote from: pamelatransuk on January 25, 2019, 04:31:54 AM
Charlie Nicki
Nice to read your latest summary. I am glad that your transition is progressing well.
You sound upbeat and I am so happy for you and wish you further success.
Hugs
Pamela
Thank you for your kind words Pamela! I'm definitely in a much better place than I was the back in September, I still have many ups and downs but I'm emotionally stronger than I was last year.
Quote from: Jessica on January 25, 2019, 09:57:22 AM
@Charlie Nicki
I'm very happy that changes for you are happening finally, I know you struggled with the apparent lack there of.
I've watched your transition from the very first days, as you have mine. and I truly can say in my earliest/scariest months, I would have found it hard to see a light up ahead if we weren't there for each other.
So true sister, I'm glad to have your support! And you definitely have mine always.
Quote from: Jessica on January 25, 2019, 09:57:22 AM1: Have you spoken to your doctor if your now, long awaited, apparent awakening of the thread title mentioning boobs will have a good effect on your BA?
I haven't, and well unless my boobs grow a lot at a super rapid pace, I don't think there will be any negative impact on my BA.
Quote from: Jessica on January 25, 2019, 09:57:22 AM3: I haven't heard of reports that progesterone increases nail strength, but if it's true, I have more of a standing with my request for that from my doctor. I unfortunately damaged my pretty nails while camping on the beach, roughhousing with our Dune Buggy. They were a cue that I loved having. They have nearly grown out enough again to consider which color this time.
I might have jumped the gun on that one :D, one of my nails broke today so maybe they're not as strong as I thought.
Quote from: Jessica on January 25, 2019, 09:57:22 AMBig congratulations on all this great news sister!
Thanks sis!
Quote from: Allison S on January 25, 2019, 10:56:24 AM
Jessica asked what everyone's thinking [emoji23]
"Charlie Nicki" weird calling you that! Haha now I know how it is for you referring to me lol
Girl! Those are all great things!! I didn't know all that was happening, but I did notice your really nice hour glass shape coming through in your insta video. Wow! You've got some serious curves there!
And hey you can still eat and go to the gym to look pretty there (but don't work your butt off! You need your butt! We all do lol)..
I'm 16 months on hrt on Tuesday, but I noticed my nails are getting stronger too! Well, just now when you mentioned that I realize this lol. They used to break off so easily [emoji37]
Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Hey girlyyyy! Yes I'm trying to eat my way to get a J.Lo butt ;D probably impossible due to my genetics but whatever!
Quote from: sarah1972 on October 17, 2017, 06:17:24 AM
Or: I do not know how to lay down without squishing them...
Owwwww that's a fun mistake half asleep. #$&@ I'm awake. Crap 2 hours before I gotta get up. 50/50 success rate on getting back to sleep.
So, a quick update: Nails still strong (thank you Progesterone I guess). Boobs still growing, I feel they look huge when I'm naked and I love it. Hips are a bit larger. That being said, I'm still far away from my goal... my proportions are still a bit too masculine for my taste, arms and back are still too big in comparison to my lower body so it's a bit annoying. If only my arms and shoulders could get smaller I would already look so much girlier...
Still get misgendered sometimes, I would say correctly gendered 7/10, people either avoiding gendering me or staring at me trying to figure me out 2/10, and misgendered 1/10. Even though it's not common, when I do get misgendered it BURNS!
My hair is below my shoulders and I need it longer but if it was up to me I would get a pixie cut and get it over with. Long hair is a pain in the ass and so not practical. But I like looking pretty and sadly my appearance isn't feminine enough for me to get a super short haircut without getting misgendered...If anything the fact alone that I could be able to rock short hair makes me want to consider FFS.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on February 19, 2019, 04:11:57 PM
So, a quick update: Nails still strong (thank you Progesterone I guess). Boobs still growing, I feel they look huge when I'm naked and I love it. Hips are a bit larger.
Congratulations. That's how this thread started with your boobs growing and I am delighted to see that continues along with the good news on your nails and hips!
Hugs
Pamela
Quote from: pamelatransuk on February 20, 2019, 06:47:51 AM
Congratulations. That's how this thread started with your boobs growing and I am delighted to see that continues along with the good news on your nails and hips!
Hugs
Pamela
Thanks Pamela. I do want to avoid blowing things out of proportion, so let me clarify: My hips are overall still small and pretty much non existent in comparison to the rest of my body and in comparison to cis females. I've always said MTF HRT is a big joke and after a year and a half I still think so.
@Charlie Nicki Quote from: Charlie Nicki on February 19, 2019, 04:11:57 PM
So, a quick update: Nails still strong (thank you Progesterone I guess). Boobs still growing, I feel they look huge when I'm naked and I love it. Hips are a bit larger. That being said, I'm still far away from my goal... my proportions are still a bit too masculine for my taste, arms and back are still too big in comparison to my lower body so it's a bit annoying. If only my arms and shoulders could get smaller I would already look so much girlier...
Still get misgendered sometimes, I would say correctly gendered 7/10, people either avoiding gendering me or staring at me trying to figure me out 2/10, and misgendered 1/10. Even though it's not common, when I do get misgendered it BURNS!
My hair is below my shoulders and I need it longer but if it was up to me I would get a pixie cut and get it over with. Long hair is a pain in the ass and so not practical. But I like looking pretty and sadly my appearance isn't feminine enough for me to get a super short haircut without getting misgendered...If anything the fact alone that I could be able to rock short hair makes me want to consider FFS.
I have seen a recent picture of you and your hair looks wonderful. I do agree though that long hair can be a pain and a pixie would look cute on you, ffs or not.
I am confident that you will reach 100% passable and the days of being misgendered will be a distant memory. Ffs has helped many here, (I've seen the proof) and if you feel that is the route you need, I'm certain you will be stunning. Much more than the old lady that I am the vision of.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on February 20, 2019, 07:44:10 AM
Thanks Pamela. I do want to avoid blowing things out of proportion, so let me clarify: My hips are overall still small and pretty much non existent in comparison to the rest of my body and in comparison to cis females. I've always said MTF HRT is a big joke and after a year and a half I still think so.
As with everyone here, hrt is a ymmv situation. We both started it in essence the same day around a year and a half ago. While your genetics played a factor in your progress, it also has in mine (thank you mom). Everyone is different, but no less in how we strive to be our true selves.
Love you sister, Jess
Quote from: Jessica on February 20, 2019, 09:57:39 AM
@Charlie Nicki
I have seen a recent picture of you and your hair looks wonderful. I do agree though that long hair can be a pain and a pixie would look cute on you, ffs or not.
I am confident that you will reach 100% passable and the days of being misgendered will be a distant memory. Ffs has helped many here, (I've seen the proof) and if you feel that is the route you need, I'm certain you will be stunning. Much more than the old lady that I am the vision of.
As with everyone here, hrt is a ymmv situation. We both started it in essence the same day around a year and a half ago. While your genetics played a factor in your progress, it also has in mine (thank you mom). Everyone is different, but no less in how we strive to be our true selves.
Love you sister, Jess
Love you too sweetie!!
Quote from: LaRell on October 17, 2017, 09:54:03 AM
Oh, and just remember........Women come in many different shapes, sizes, and levels of attractiveness. Anytime you don't feel confident about yourself, just remember that. That you ARE without a doubt, a woman, and therefore are entitled to dress and present as one even if you feel like you might not look quite right. I struggle with this one myself. I still present as a rather femme dressing man because I allow my fear of what people will think of me, to keep me from wearing the skirts and dresses that I would love to wear. So I keep telling myself, "You are a woman....a kind of ugly woman....but there are plenty of ugly women out there, yet they are still women, and so are you." And it boosts my confidence up for a bit. Ha ha For now I am somewhat content wearing my tight skinny jeans and girls shirts and carrying my purse and things, but having been on HRT for over 3 months now, and having my boobs getting bigger, and me not even going to bother trying to hide them, I may find myself going "full-time" here soon.
Wonderful advice from the heart! But you've got one thing wrong— you are NOT ugly. At all. There are so many "ugly" people in the world. Don't count yourself among them. Your inner beauty shines. And if your avatar is you, you're pretty cute too. :)
This has to be the easiest transition thread to follow lol I've grown to love your personality Charlie Nicki [emoji173]
I wish there was a "how to pass for dummies" that I could follow but sadly I haven't found one yet [emoji22]
Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Quote from: Allison S on February 22, 2019, 07:22:05 AM
This has to be the easiest transition thread to follow lol I've grown to love your personality Charlie Nicki [emoji173]
I wish there was a "how to pass for dummies" that I could follow but sadly I haven't found one yet [emoji22]
Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Thanks baby! You're so sweet. I'm glad to have you as a friend! We are similar in so many ways.
And well passing is a difficult thing. Not many of us achieve that easily, I'm still struggling with that as well.
I've been having very rough days lately. I've been depressed, having suicidal thoughts, and wondering if this is all worth it. It was triggered by my ex, we had a trip planned for a while with some friends and I was sure I could make it without feeling bad...But we spent way too much time together and it clouded my judgement. Brought back feelings and memories as if we had just broken up (in reality he left me a year and a half ago because of my transition).
I feel hurt and abandoned again, it's especially difficult to see how happy he is with his new partner. After the trip I've decided to keep my distance again, it's the best thing for my mental health but I still feel very sad. I don't feel like doing my makeup, or my hair, or even getting out of bed...Being a woman feels like a huge chore lately. So much maintenance and work...sometimes I miss the simplicity of being a man. I'm not gonna detransition, that is not an option for me, but I'm just venting here.
I just wish this would be over, I've been depressed pretty much all of my transition, so for the past 2 years mostly. I still haven't reached that point of bliss and satisfaction where I can say it was all worth it. My mental health is still a rollercoaster and I'm tired of it.
@Charlie Nicki Dear Charlie Nicki:My oh my!!! I am so very sad to hear of your distress regarding your transition event and life endeavors.
You do not have to do much reading of other members postings and threads to see that you are not alone with the trials and tribulations of transitioning. It can be a tough road to travel for sure but it also can be a necessary journey that we must take for our own self-worth and self-affirmation.
I hear you loud and clear about the morning and daily task of presenting as a woman.... indeed there is
"so much maintenance and work" .... and the clothes, as many man can get away with, women just can't throw on my pants and shirt that were left laying on the floor, quickly run a comb through their hair and be out the door....
....BUT, as a woman, when done with a little primping, dressing and grooming... it is so very satisfying to look in the mirror and see a half-way decent looking blue eyed blonde woman looking back at me.... VERY WELL WORTH THE EFFORT and the JOURNEY,
I wish I could, but I can not offer much in the way of magic words to make everything OK for you.
It is your journey to navigate as you see fit and because of your personal relationships and life-commitments it is obviously your decision as to how to proceed.
Please keep on keeping on, pull yourself up and get back in the groove of being the woman you have determined that you are destined to be.
I will be eagerly looking for you updates, I am rooting for your success, and I along with all of your followers are your biggest fans.
HUGS and more HUGS...... [emoji171]
Danielle
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on March 14, 2019, 11:18:48 AM
@Charlie Nicki
Dear Charlie Nicki:
My oh my!!!
I am so very sad to hear of your distress regarding your transition event and life endeavors.
You do not have to do much reading of other members postings and threads to see that you are not alone with the trials and tribulations of transitioning. It can be a tough road to travel for sure but it also can be a necessary journey that we must take for our own self-worth and self-affirmation.
I hear you loud and clear about the morning and daily task of presenting as a woman.... indeed there is "so much maintenance and work" .... and the clothes, as many man can get away with, women just can't throw on my pants and shirt that were left laying on the floor, quickly run a comb through their hair and be out the door....
....BUT, as a woman, when done with a little primping, dressing and grooming... it is so very satisfying to look in the mirror and see a half-way decent looking blue eyed blonde woman looking back at me.... VERY WELL WORTH THE EFFORT and the JOURNEY,
I wish I could, but I can not offer much in the way of magic words to make everything OK for you.
It is your journey to navigate as you see fit and because of your personal relationships and life-commitments it is obviously your decision as to how to proceed.
Please keep on keeping on, pull yourself up and get back in the groove of being the woman you have determined that you are destined to be.
I will be eagerly looking for you updates, I am rooting for your success, and I along with all of your followers are your biggest fans.
HUGS and more HUGS...... [emoji171]
Danielle
Thanks Danielle. You always have a positive attitude and I admire that...It does help me a lot to see that other people are struggling too, just because it makes me realize that this is a normal part of transitioning and that we all go through it, it would be nice to know more about your negative experiences as well. Maybe they're on your thread and I've missed them.
In any case, it does feel like life was a little bit unfair to us because we were given this burden that most people don't have.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on March 14, 2019, 11:40:49 AM
Thanks Danielle. You always have a positive attitude and I admire that...It does help me a lot to see that other people are struggling too, just because it makes me realize that this is a normal part of transitioning and that we all go through it, it would be nice to know more about your negative experiences as well. Maybe they're on your thread and I've missed them.
In any case, it does feel like life was a little bit unfair to us because we were given this burden that most people don't have.
@Charlie Nicki Dear Charlie Nicki:Thanks for your kind response...
A quote that I have memorized that helps me in
that regard comes from
Winston Churchill as he penned the following quote during England's dark days during World War 2.
"A Pessimist see Difficulty in every Opportunity,
an Optimist sees Opportunity in every Difficulty" I am not immune to difficulties with my transition life experiences and certainly have my current problems with acceptance for my family and old friends "back home"
My
TWO personal threads have just about all of the details of my bad and my good experiences. To make it easier for you I have included
LINKS below to my present current ongoing "Chronicles" thread and also to my previous "Hunted Prey" thread.
I have also attached
LINKS to a few older postings that my shed some light on some of my not-so-good experiences..... but that way that I am wired, I do not dwell on the negative, my glass is half full and I am always trying to keep a positive attitude about my life.
"
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,243696.0.html)
"
I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle's Chronicles" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.0.html%5B/url)
(non-acceptance back home) https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.msg2208291.html#msg2208291
(brief recap of my journey) https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,243696.msg2218365.html#msg2218365
(stressful moments) https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.msg2180936.html#msg2180936
Also you might want to take a quick read one other of my threads that might help you to stay positive:
"
Positive Mindset... put away negativity" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238255.0.html)
Best wishes to you... I sincerely hope and trust that anything that I have said may be of help to you...
...and please feel free to comment anytime on any of my postings or you can PM me if you ever have any questions about my journey.
Hugs and best wishes as always....
Danielle
Hi,
I know for me the first three years was the roughest part of transition. I have been transitioning for six years. My ex and I divorced, I came out at work, expressed, had a bunch of procedures and GCS.
I am so much better off now than I was before. Everyone is different and we all transition differently, so your transition could be much more rough than mine. I do know that for a long time I had my procedures on my preferences on Susan's and when I felt bad I would go over the procedures and what I accomplished. So maybe making a list of accomplishments or milestones and reading it when you are down would help.
If depression is bad and you are having suicidal ideation or attempts then please consider seeing your doctor. I was on a SSRI for about a year and it helped heaps. It really helped me from getting super low. When I developed coping mechanisms to deal with the loneliness and loss of family I was able to get off the SSRI.
I had some awesome times with my ex and will forever be grateful for the experiences. We are much better off being divorced. Life is about change. When I was in the middle of such huge change I needed help coping. I had groups, the gym, my trainer, work and my therapist and doctor. I had a team of people to get me through it.
I do things by myself now. I am looking forward to the beach this spring :) I love the gym and rucking. I hope to start back up rucking this weekend. There is a huge trans meetup in New Hope this weekend Friday and Saturday night. There are things to do, you need to find them and participate. It is tough but fun.
To me being trans isn't a burden its a gift. It just depends on how you look at it. Sure, its hard and we deal we a lot of crap, but the pay off at the end is worth ten times the problems on the way. Just a matter of one step at a time till you get there and don't let the problems get you down!
I am so sorry you are going through this, I know it is hard and is unfair, emotions are so big I am going through some thing similar so you are not alone in this. The girl I work with almost side by side and dailly and is my secretary of the union, well we fell in love 10 plus years ago. Now at the end of may we will be both going to a union conference where we will be staying at the same hotel and stuff. When I transitioned she told me that she was not attracted to females, The problem is that I am still so much in love with her it kills me every day to know I am not with her. I feel the same way you do on my days off I feel lazy and don't want to do anything. All I can say is take it one day at a time emotions are hard to change but in time I believe time heals all wounds. If you ever want to talk feel free to message me. You are a strong beautiful woman you can get through this.
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on March 14, 2019, 02:05:13 PM
@Charlie Nicki
Dear Charlie Nicki:
Thanks for your kind response...
A quote that I have memorized that helps me in that regard comes from Winston Churchill as he penned the following quote during England's dark days during World War 2.
"A Pessimist see Difficulty in every Opportunity,
an Optimist sees Opportunity in every Difficulty"
I am not immune to difficulties with my transition life experiences and certainly have my current problems with acceptance for my family and old friends "back home"
My TWO personal threads have just about all of the details of my bad and my good experiences. To make it easier for you I have included LINKS below to my present current ongoing "Chronicles" thread and also to my previous "Hunted Prey" thread.
I have also attached LINKS to a few older postings that my shed some light on some of my not-so-good experiences..... but that way that I am wired, I do not dwell on the negative, my glass is half full and I am always trying to keep a positive attitude about my life.
"A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,243696.0.html)
"I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle's Chronicles" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.0.html%5B/url)
(non-acceptance back home)
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.msg2208291.html#msg2208291
(brief recap of my journey)
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,243696.msg2218365.html#msg2218365
(stressful moments)
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.msg2180936.html#msg2180936
Also you might want to take a quick read one other of my threads that might help you to stay positive:
"Positive Mindset... put away negativity" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238255.0.html)
Best wishes to you... I sincerely hope and trust that anything that I have said may be of help to you...
...and please feel free to comment anytime on any of my postings or you can PM me if you ever have any questions about my journey.
Hugs and best wishes as always....
Danielle
Thanks Danielle!
Quote from: Rachel on March 14, 2019, 06:28:02 PM
Hi,
I know for me the first three years was the roughest part of transition. I have been transitioning for six years. My ex and I divorced, I came out at work, expressed, had a bunch of procedures and GCS.
I am so much better off now than I was before. Everyone is different and we all transition differently, so your transition could be much more rough than mine. I do know that for a long time I had my procedures on my preferences on Susan's and when I felt bad I would go over the procedures and what I accomplished. So maybe making a list of accomplishments or milestones and reading it when you are down would help.
If depression is bad and you are having suicidal ideation or attempts then please consider seeing your doctor. I was on a SSRI for about a year and it helped heaps. It really helped me from getting super low. When I developed coping mechanisms to deal with the loneliness and loss of family I was able to get off the SSRI.
I had some awesome times with my ex and will forever be grateful for the experiences. We are much better off being divorced. Life is about change. When I was in the middle of such huge change I needed help coping. I had groups, the gym, my trainer, work and my therapist and doctor. I had a team of people to get me through it.
I do things by myself now. I am looking forward to the beach this spring :) I love the gym and rucking. I hope to start back up rucking this weekend. There is a huge trans meetup in New Hope this weekend Friday and Saturday night. There are things to do, you need to find them and participate. It is tough but fun.
Hi Rachel,
Thank you for your answer. So would you say all the hard times were worth it? I've only been transitioning for 2 years so it does give me a bit of hope to see that it's normal for the first few years to be tough, sometimes I'm scared it will always be like this so it was definitely a relief to read this comment.
Quote from: krobinson103 on March 14, 2019, 07:09:14 PM
To me being trans isn't a burden its a gift. It just depends on how you look at it. Sure, its hard and we deal we a lot of crap, but the pay off at the end is worth ten times the problems on the way. Just a matter of one step at a time till you get there and don't let the problems get you down!
Well I really hope this is the case for me.
Quote from: natalie.ashlyne on March 15, 2019, 05:06:06 AM
I am so sorry you are going through this, I know it is hard and is unfair, emotions are so big I am going through some thing similar so you are not alone in this. The girl I work with almost side by side and dailly and is my secretary of the union, well we fell in love 10 plus years ago. Now at the end of may we will be both going to a union conference where we will be staying at the same hotel and stuff. When I transitioned she told me that she was not attracted to females, The problem is that I am still so much in love with her it kills me every day to know I am not with her. I feel the same way you do on my days off I feel lazy and don't want to do anything. All I can say is take it one day at a time emotions are hard to change but in time I believe time heals all wounds. If you ever want to talk feel free to message me. You are a strong beautiful woman you can get through this.
Thanks Natalie!
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on March 14, 2019, 02:05:13 PM
@Charlie Nicki
Dear Charlie Nicki:
Thanks for your kind response...
A quote that I have memorized that helps me in that regard comes from Winston Churchill as he penned the following quote during England's dark days during World War 2.
"A Pessimist see Difficulty in every Opportunity,
an Optimist sees Opportunity in every Difficulty"
I am not immune to difficulties with my transition life experiences and certainly have my current problems with acceptance for my family and old friends "back home"
My TWO personal threads have just about all of the details of my bad and my good experiences. To make it easier for you I have included LINKS below to my present current ongoing "Chronicles" thread and also to my previous "Hunted Prey" thread.
I have also attached LINKS to a few older postings that my shed some light on some of my not-so-good experiences..... but that way that I am wired, I do not dwell on the negative, my glass is half full and I am always trying to keep a positive attitude about my life.
"A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,243696.0.html)
"I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle's Chronicles" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.0.html%5B/url)
(non-acceptance back home)
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.msg2208291.html#msg2208291
(brief recap of my journey)
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,243696.msg2218365.html#msg2218365
(stressful moments)
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236395.msg2180936.html#msg2180936
Also you might want to take a quick read one other of my threads that might help you to stay positive:
"Positive Mindset... put away negativity" (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,238255.0.html)
Best wishes to you... I sincerely hope and trust that anything that I have said may be of help to you...
...and please feel free to comment anytime on any of my postings or you can PM me if you ever have any questions about my journey.
Hugs and best wishes as always....
Danielle
That quote is so true for everything. Losing weight is hard. Programming is hard. Sports are hard. Life is hard.
Things worth anything are hard and they are opportunity to excel. What will serve us all best is a posative outlook.
This thread needs like 20 more pages. I'm sad to have reached the end of it.
Hi Charlie Nicki, I'm where you were a couple of years ago but I think much older. I love my husband and he assures me that we'll figure it all out but I fear for the future and I don't know if he can cope with a heterosexual relationship with me. Reading your ups and downs is strangely upsetting, terrifying, soothing, and reassuring all at the same time. We've never spoken but I feel like I know you in a way because you share so frankly and I want to give you a big hug. I definitely sacrificed some mascara (along with the blush contour and foundation that were taken out in the ensuing cascade) to the beauty gods for you today so I hope they smile kindly on your tomorrow and you wake up and have an exceptionally good day.
I find myself very afraid for the future and what kind of future it will be for me and the only solid hope I have right now is this community that is so beautiful. Seeing my fears and my pains lived out by others who have come so far in spite of them helps me get to the end of the day because I know I'm not alone and everyone here is so caring and supportive and instructional. It may sound corny but this thread is inspiring me, it's definitely getting bookmarked.
The only piece of advice I can give to you is that sometimes no matter how much you love someone, or how much they love you back, their very presence can become a toxicity all of it's own and it becomes necessary to break both hearts and just stop seeing them all together. I've had that broken heart that can't heal before. It was like a deep wound where being friends was like picking at it constantly. It never healed right and I still bear the scars. That and a quote that I put in a different thread but feels very true to me as long as I don't look in the mirror. "beauty is not in the eye of the beholder or the face of the beholden, but rather in the heart of both."
You seem like a very strong woman, your waves of depression and happiness are very hard to contend with over time and yet you persevere. I go through similar waves myself and found myself cheering at your growing boobs, your silkier hair, your birthday out, and getting angry at the makeup counter woman and wanting to work her up to a big sale and leave without buying, and feeling the pain of losing your love, and just crying. A lot-which is good. I don't like the emotionless haze of my adult life and opening up to my trans identity has been bringing a lot of things out that i need to feel. I still can't access my emotions the way i want but I hope to talk to my doctor about hormones soon and maybe they will help that.
Anyway I'm rambling my way around saying that you are obviously beautiful and strong. I hope I'm half as much because if I am then I will survive this terror and loneliness that I feel. I have my husband but I know no one who really understands what I'm grappling with outside of the interwebs and it's very isolating. So count another soul rooting for you, and being inspired by you. I'm a stranger, and you are my heroine today, just like those strangers on the street that weekend. I seem to be finding a lot of heroines on here. Have a hug from me, you'll have to give it to yourself or imagine it the next time your getting one in person, but know it's real and heartfelt. <3
Quote from: Rae321 on March 28, 2019, 06:05:37 PM
This thread needs like 20 more pages. I'm sad to have reached the end of it.
Hi Charlie Nicki, I'm where you were a couple of years ago but I think much older. I love my husband and he assures me that we'll figure it all out but I fear for the future and I don't know if he can cope with a heterosexual relationship with me. Reading your ups and downs is strangely upsetting, terrifying, soothing, and reassuring all at the same time. We've never spoken but I feel like I know you in a way because you share so frankly and I want to give you a big hug. I definitely sacrificed some mascara (along with the blush contour and foundation that were taken out in the ensuing cascade) to the beauty gods for you today so I hope they smile kindly on your tomorrow and you wake up and have an exceptionally good day.
I find myself very afraid for the future and what kind of future it will be for me and the only solid hope I have right now is this community that is so beautiful. Seeing my fears and my pains lived out by others who have come so far in spite of them helps me get to the end of the day because I know I'm not alone and everyone here is so caring and supportive and instructional. It may sound corny but this thread is inspiring me, it's definitely getting bookmarked.
The only piece of advice I can give to you is that sometimes no matter how much you love someone, or how much they love you back, their very presence can become a toxicity all of it's own and it becomes necessary to break both hearts and just stop seeing them all together. I've had that broken heart that can't heal before. It was like a deep wound where being friends was like picking at it constantly. It never healed right and I still bear the scars. That and a quote that I put in a different thread but feels very true to me as long as I don't look in the mirror. "beauty is not in the eye of the beholder or the face of the beholden, but rather in the heart of both."
You seem like a very strong woman, your waves of depression and happiness are very hard to contend with over time and yet you persevere. I go through similar waves myself and found myself cheering at your growing boobs, your silkier hair, your birthday out, and getting angry at the makeup counter woman and wanting to work her up to a big sale and leave without buying, and feeling the pain of losing your love, and just crying. A lot-which is good. I don't like the emotionless haze of my adult life and opening up to my trans identity has been bringing a lot of things out that i need to feel. I still can't access my emotions the way i want but I hope to talk to my doctor about hormones soon and maybe they will help that.
Anyway I'm rambling my way around saying that you are obviously beautiful and strong. I hope I'm half as much because if I am then I will survive this terror and loneliness that I feel. I have my husband but I know no one who really understands what I'm grappling with outside of the interwebs and it's very isolating. So count another soul rooting for you, and being inspired by you. I'm a stranger, and you are my heroine today, just like those strangers on the street that weekend. I seem to be finding a lot of heroines on here. Have a hug from me, you'll have to give it to yourself or imagine it the next time your getting one in person, but know it's real and heartfelt. <3
Rae,
Wow...I never thought I would find a message like this in my thread. Your message touched me and I'm positively surprised by it since I never thought my journey could be inspiring or helpful to anyone, I started this thread (and the old one were I introduced myself https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,221177.0.html) mainly to vent and be able to share experiences with complete strangers. To tell them my deepest fears, doubts and thoughts, that I wouldn't dare to talk about in real life (hence why I don't have a profile picture of my face).
So thank you from the bottom of my heart for this message, it really makes all this craziness worth it in a way. My journey is still half way through, so there's a long road ahead, but I keep going!
I'm assuming you lived as a gay male (still do?) and that's why my story resonates with yours? I'll be glad to talk to you in private if you want or need to. I have made several friends through the forum who know who I am in real life, one of them actually came to visit me last year! (I don't remember if I posted about that here) so don't be shy to send me a PM if you want. We could talk in the forum or through social media, I might have a tip or 2 to share with you when it comes to transitioning and your relationship :).
This part of your post:
QuoteThe only piece of advice I can give to you is that sometimes no matter how much you love someone, or how much they love you back, their very presence can become a toxicity all of it's own and it becomes necessary to break both hearts and just stop seeing them all together
...Is absolutely true and extremely important to realize. Time and time again I've tried to remove myself from my ex's life yet I find myself thinking about him constantly and then life itself brings him back somehow. This time might be the final one, since my company is transferring me to another country in the next couple of months so I'm very hopeful that distance and a fresh start elsewhere will give me the final push to finally leave all of that behind and fully engage with my new life as a woman.
I just want to reassure you, you're not alone! I understand the loneliness we can feel in our journeys since it seems like nobody in real life understands it fully, not even other trans women since everyone is going through different things. But that's why we have places like this forum where we can comfort and help each other. Again, count on me if you need anything and don't be shy to send me a message.
Sending you big hugs!!
So today I was going through really old pictures of mine, pics from 5-6 years ago and I got this feeling of sadness inside...I don't know how to explain it but almost like mourning my old life and my old self? Reminiscing of the times when life was a lot easier and hoping it was still the case. It seems like I still struggle with accepting my new life and letting go of the old one, and it's tough to completely let go, because it was a great life. I was a handsome man, successful and had everything in the world; now I struggle to see myself as a beautiful and successful woman who has everything in the world as well.
Is this familiar? Have you guys felt this?
I have no doubt you ARE a beautiful successful woman, that little troll in your head is a liar. Tell it to pipe down already.
I think doubts are something we all have. I'm only just starting my journey but I feel like this will always be a huge deal and in a way you ARE grieving for a past version of YOU. A past self so to speak. But remember, that past self, they were like the larval form. That life no longer served you as well as it needed to and you emmerged like a butterfly to begin anew.
Starting again is never gonna be easy, it's like being reborn in a way and while that can be hugely liberating, it can also be extremely scary. Grief and a sense of loss is not surprising and it's totally understandable.
Your feelings are entirely valid, but the voice telling you you aren't amazing and strong and beautiful is a scumbag and a liar and needs a good kicking.
I also struggle with depression and self image and worth problems so if you ever need to talk, i'm around. I might not have a frame of reference for all of it (being AFAB and only just starting to socially transition and asking a lot of questions) but I am a sympathetic ear and a stern voice telling the voice of depression to shut up and get out.
I think we all need someone else to tell our personal demons to shut up, they're too good at controlling us so we can't do it ourselves.
I have the precursor to this feeling. I'm fit, good looking, i have a great job that i'm good at and a great marriage that is rewarding, and I sometimes wonder if I'm flushing it to start a new life as a mediocre looking woman who's less respected professionally and divorced if she's not careful at this transition.
I can understand emphatically what you are feeling, and i see myself feeling that in the future, but remember that you are everything he was, and so much more. I hope your day gets better. Hugs. <3<3
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 04, 2019, 01:55:17 PM
So today I was going through really old pictures of mine, pics from 5-6 years ago and I got this feeling of sadness inside...I don't know how to explain it but almost like mourning my old life and my old self? Reminiscing of the times when life was a lot easier and hoping it was still the case. It seems like I still struggle with accepting my new life and letting go of the old one, and it's tough to completely let go, because it was a great life. I was a handsome man, successful and had everything in the world; now I struggle to see myself as a beautiful and successful woman who has everything in the world as well.
Is this familiar? Have you guys felt this?
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 04, 2019, 01:55:17 PM
So today I was going through really old pictures of mine, pics from 5-6 years ago and I got this feeling of sadness inside...I don't know how to explain it but almost like mourning my old life and my old self? Reminiscing of the times when life was a lot easier and hoping it was still the case. It seems like I still struggle with accepting my new life and letting go of the old one, and it's tough to completely let go, because it was a great life. I was a handsome man, successful and had everything in the world; now I struggle to see myself as a beautiful and successful woman who has everything in the world as well.
Is this familiar? Have you guys felt this?
Oh yes, very much so. I wasn't all that successful or good looking, and my marriage wasn't all that great, but life was so simple.
What triggered it was an old picture with a couple of my neighbors. I was wearing my comfy jeans, a loose button down shirt, my signature baseball cap, and worn tennis shoes. My neighbors were smiling, and I was, too, despite the noise in my head. They accepted me, knew my name, and were comfortable with me, despite our differences.
I could get out of bed, skip shaving if I didn't feel like it, throw on some comfy clothes, and go out into the world with no worries. So easy.
Looking at that picture induced a meltdown.
But I was so unhappy back then. The further I move into transition, and the more I find old friends learning to accepting me, and the more new friends I gain to replace those who are now uncomfortable with me, the more I understand that I've done the right thing. This week has been pretty incredible, and I'll write more about it on my own thread when I can, but the "new simplicity" that comes with becoming more comfortable with myself and my new world makes the early, harder days of transition seem small and more insignificant as they recede into the past.
So keep moving forward. You'll find that the future days that are good will grow to far outnumber the bad ones.
Stephanie
Quote from: F_P_M on April 04, 2019, 02:15:03 PM
I have no doubt you ARE a beautiful successful woman, that little troll in your head is a liar. Tell it to pipe down already.
I think doubts are something we all have. I'm only just starting my journey but I feel like this will always be a huge deal and in a way you ARE grieving for a past version of YOU. A past self so to speak. But remember, that past self, they were like the larval form. That life no longer served you as well as it needed to and you emmerged like a butterfly to begin anew.
Starting again is never gonna be easy, it's like being reborn in a way and while that can be hugely liberating, it can also be extremely scary. Grief and a sense of loss is not surprising and it's totally understandable.
Your feelings are entirely valid, but the voice telling you you aren't amazing and strong and beautiful is a scumbag and a liar and needs a good kicking.
I also struggle with depression and self image and worth problems so if you ever need to talk, i'm around. I might not have a frame of reference for all of it (being AFAB and only just starting to socially transition and asking a lot of questions) but I am a sympathetic ear and a stern voice telling the voice of depression to shut up and get out.
I think we all need someone else to tell our personal demons to shut up, they're too good at controlling us so we can't do it ourselves.
Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it.
Quote from: Rae321 on April 04, 2019, 08:14:39 PM
I have the precursor to this feeling. I'm fit, good looking, i have a great job that i'm good at and a great marriage that is rewarding, and I sometimes wonder if I'm flushing it to start a new life as a mediocre looking woman who's less respected professionally and divorced if she's not careful at this transition.
I can understand emphatically what you are feeling, and i see myself feeling that in the future, but remember that you are everything he was, and so much more. I hope your day gets better. Hugs. <3<3
Hi Rae thank you very much. I'm feeling much better today, I'm definitely grieving for the loss of my previous life, including feeling like I don't belong anymore in the community that gave me a home, and an identity for the past 15 years: The gay community. I love my gay friends, they've been in my life forever, but lately I feel like a stranger amongst them, it's not their fault, they haven't done absolutely anything wrong and have been nothing but supportive; but inside I feel more and more different to them everyday. We're not the same anymore, we don't have the same aspirations, the same way of thinking or the same way of facing society. So sometimes I feel alone when I'm with them, I feel like the "token trans girl" of the group that the others cannot really understand fully or relate to completely as much as they try.
Quote from: Steph2.0 on April 06, 2019, 02:35:15 PM
Oh yes, very much so. I wasn't all that successful or good looking, and my marriage wasn't all that great, but life was so simple.
What triggered it was an old picture with a couple of my neighbors. I was wearing my comfy jeans, a loose button down shirt, my signature baseball cap, and worn tennis shoes. My neighbors were smiling, and I was, too, despite the noise in my head. They accepted me, knew my name, and were comfortable with me, despite our differences.
I could get out of bed, skip shaving if I didn't feel like it, throw on some comfy clothes, and go out into the world with no worries. So easy.
Looking at that picture induced a meltdown.
But I was so unhappy back then. The further I move into transition, and the more I find old friends learning to accepting me, and the more new friends I gain to replace those who are now uncomfortable with me, the more I understand that I've done the right thing. This week has been pretty incredible, and I'll write more about it on my own thread when I can, but the "new simplicity" that comes with becoming more comfortable with myself and my new world makes the early, harder days of transition seem small and more insignificant as they recede into the past.
So keep moving forward. You'll find that the future days that are good will grow to far outnumber the bad ones.
Stephanie
Thanks Steph. Yes I miss the simplicity of those old days, things are still changing in my life and I don't know when will I gain that sense of stability and complete peacefulness to be happy with this place where life has taken me.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 06, 2019, 03:28:38 PM
Hi Rae thank you very much. I'm feeling much better today, I'm definitely grieving for the loss of my previous life, including feeling like I don't belong anymore in the community that gave me a home, and an identity for the past 15 years: The gay community. I love my gay friends, they've been in my life forever, but lately I feel like a stranger amongst them, it's not their fault, they haven't done absolutely anything wrong and have been nothing but supportive; but inside I feel more and more different to them everyday. We're not the same anymore, we don't have the same aspirations, the same way of thinking or the same way of facing society. So sometimes I feel alone when I'm with them, I feel like the "token trans girl" of the group that the others cannot really understand fully or relate to completely as much as they try.
I can understand this. I lived as gay for many years before spending over a decade trying to be 'normal' (of course it would never fit for me but I was determined to try!). After a year and a half into transition I went to a pride party. I felt... alone. There were gay guys, lots of lesbians, the usual fetish brigades, but no trans people apart from me. The people I felt the most affinity to where the straight cis ones around the side of the room! They sought me out and accepted me as one of their own. I felt more like a... curiosity to most of the people in the room.
Quote from: krobinson103 on April 06, 2019, 08:54:19 PM
I can understand this. I lived as gay for many years before spending over a decade trying to be 'normal' (of course it would never fit for me but I was determined to try!). After a year and a half into transition I went to a pride party. I felt... alone. There were gay guys, lots of lesbians, the usual fetish brigades, but no trans people apart from me. The people I felt the most affinity to where the straight cis ones around the side of the room! They sought me out and accepted me as one of their own. I felt more like a... curiosity to most of the people in the room.
Yeah that's how I feel sometimes when I'm surrounded by gay people, like I have more in common with cis women than with any of the other letters of the LGBT acronym... Yet I'm not the same as cis women either. It's a very lonely existence sometimes.
Idk, lately i feel a sense of only really relating to trans women. Perhaps that changes as the man suit fades? Either way we may be lonely but we are not alone. Sending you love. <3
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 06, 2019, 11:59:39 PM
Yeah that's how I feel sometimes when I'm surrounded by gay people, like I have more in common with cis women than with any of the other letters of the LGBT acronym... Yet I'm not the same as cis women either. It's a very lonely existence sometimes.
Quote from: Rae321 on April 07, 2019, 10:58:45 PM
Idk, lately i feel a sense of only really relating to trans women. Perhaps that changes as the man suit fades? Either way we may be lonely but we are not alone. Sending you love. <3
Thanks darling!
Hey girlfriend 🌸🌸🌸 you have really come so far! Nostalgic musings should be balanced with the joy of life ahead. You have taken big, small, circular steps but always forwards towards that future. You have no choice in experiencing this. The future will always be there. Make it a happy one. 💕💕💕
Hugs and smiles from a California girl
@Charlie Nicki
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 06, 2019, 11:59:39 PM
Yeah that's how I feel sometimes when I'm surrounded by gay people, like I have more in common with cis women than with any of the other letters of the LGBT acronym... Yet I'm not the same as cis women either. It's a very lonely existence sometimes.
I have some gay women friends that I enjoy one on one or small group discussions but often times feel quite lonely as I head back home, such a different world. I have been developing some friendships with some queer afab folks. Most of them are younger than my ancient of age and had delightfully open and enlightening things to teach me from their living outside of most any boxes.
Quote from: krobinson103 on April 06, 2019, 08:54:19 PM
I can understand this. I lived as gay for many years before spending over a decade trying to be 'normal' (of course it would never fit for me but I was determined to try!). After a year and a half into transition I went to a pride party. I felt... alone. There were gay guys, lots of lesbians, the usual fetish brigades, but no trans people apart from me. The people I felt the most affinity to where the straight cis ones around the side of the room! They sought me out and accepted me as one of their own. I felt more like a... curiosity to most of the people in the room.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 06, 2019, 11:59:39 PM
Yeah that's how I feel sometimes when I'm surrounded by gay people, like I have more in common with cis women than with any of the other letters of the LGBT acronym... Yet I'm not the same as cis women either. It's a very lonely existence sometimes.
I went through the same thing. I could see it happening and knew that there was nothing I could do to prevent it as slowly the friendships I had known and the community that I counted on faded away. I knew it was happening, knew that we were not the same but the last few months before I let go completely was a poignant time for me. I lived in a funk a long time until I started to make more female friends. Now when I see some of those old friends I don't feel the sadness, I can enjoy the brief encounters without missing the old dynamic.
It can be difficult at first to gravitate towards a different group but it defiantly got easier the more time I spent with women to where now I can't imagine another way be. The last time I was with my family two years ago, was when I really grasped that the past was gone forever. We had gotten together for the day to go through the last of my moms things and help clean the house so my step father could sell it. I never even noticed that I had spent the whole day with my sister, sister-in-laws and nieces until the obligatory group hug before I left and my older brother asked me how I was. My sister and one sister-in-law laughed and I just told him I was fine. My sisters knew like everything about my life and I knew everything about theirs and I hadn't had one real conversation with my brothers all day. Not sad, just the way things worked out.
Thank you for sharing yourself in your thread. I hope and believe you will be comfortable in your friends and groups once again.
Take care
Quote from: Nightfall on April 09, 2019, 05:44:02 PM
I went through the same thing. I could see it happening and knew that there was nothing I could do to prevent it as slowly the friendships I had known and the community that I counted on faded away. I knew it was happening, knew that we were not the same but the last few months before I let go completely was a poignant time for me. I lived in a funk a long time until I started to make more female friends. Now when I see some of those old friends I don't feel the sadness, I can enjoy the brief encounters without missing the old dynamic.
It can be difficult at first to gravitate towards a different group but it defiantly got easier the more time I spent with women to where now I can't imagine another way be. The last time I was with my family two years ago, was when I really grasped that the past was gone forever. We had gotten together for the day to go through the last of my moms things and help clean the house so my step father could sell it. I never even noticed that I had spent the whole day with my sister, sister-in-laws and nieces until the obligatory group hug before I left and my older brother asked me how I was. My sister and one sister-in-law laughed and I just told him I was fine. My sisters knew like everything about my life and I knew everything about theirs and I hadn't had one real conversation with my brothers all day. Not sad, just the way things worked out.
Thank you for sharing yourself in your thread. I hope and believe you will be comfortable in your friends and groups once again.
Take care
Thank you for sharing your story Nightfall :).
Quote from: Anne Blake on April 09, 2019, 03:05:59 PM
I have some gay women friends that I enjoy one on one or small group discussions but often times feel quite lonely as I head back home, such a different world. I have been developing some friendships with some queer afab folks. Most of them are younger than my ancient of age and had delightfully open and enlightening things to teach me from their living outside of most any boxes.
Interesting, I haven't met anyone like that.
Quote from: Jessica on April 09, 2019, 11:16:43 AM
Hey girlfriend 🌸🌸🌸 you have really come so far! Nostalgic musings should be balanced with the joy of life ahead. You have taken big, small, circular steps but always forwards towards that future. You have no choice in experiencing this. The future will always be there. Make it a happy one. 💕💕💕
Hugs and smiles from a California girl
@Charlie Nicki
I will my friend <3.
Charlie nicki,
I know this thread has been about a lot of heavier stuff but its title combined with my placebo dose of estrogen snuck up on me last night and i had a dream that i was growing breast buds. They didn't hurt like they should have (probably because it's a sensation i don't know yet) but they were obvious little cones coming out of my pecks and i was amazed. Then i looked up and some pretty South American girl with a blue pink and white shirt started speaking excitedly at me in Spanish and grabbing her boobs while smiling at me. Then she hugged me and thats when i woke up and knew that it was you and i cried i was so happy to be doing something concrete about this part of my life. So in the spirit of girls who hold people responsible for things they did in their dreams (like dreams of cheating boy freinds) thank you for the hug and the encouragement. I didn't understand a word uoy said and you didn't even know you said it but for twenty minutes until i fell back asleep last night it meant the world to me. <3<3<3
Quote from: Rae321 on April 13, 2019, 10:00:02 AM
Charlie nicki,
I know this thread has been about a lot of heavier stuff but its title combined with my placebo dose of estrogen snuck up on me last night and i had a dream that i was growing breast buds. They didn't hurt like they should have (probably because it's a sensation i don't know yet) but they were obvious little cones coming out of my pecks and i was amazed. Then i looked up and some pretty South American girl with a blue pink and white shirt started speaking excitedly at me in Spanish and grabbing her boobs while smiling at me. Then she hugged me and thats when i woke up and knew that it was you and i cried i was so happy to be doing something concrete about this part of my life. So in the spirit of girls who hold people responsible for things they did in their dreams (like dreams of cheating boy freinds) thank you for the hug and the encouragement. I didn't understand a word uoy said and you didn't even know you said it but for twenty minutes until i fell back asleep last night it meant the world to me. <3<3<3
Awww what a lovely dream!! :) Ok I'll take full responsibility for making you smile for a little bit ;D