Hello girls I have been meaning to write this for a while. I feel like now more than ever I am sure that I want to transition and take it as far as I can go. Yet like many of you Im stuck because I got married with a woman and I do love her and know that realistically speaking transition would mean ending the relationship. This makes me feel so guilty, specially because since the start of the relationship I have kept breaking her heart. I wish I had been awesome since the beginning so at least she could say it was good until it ended.
Along with the guilt I think my main thing that has kept me from transitioning is the fear. Fear has always kept me from living a more authentic life even gender issues aside. I had some time and spaces when I finished highschool and started community college were I could have found the support to transition but it was scary and easier to live as a man. But now I feel the regret grow inside of me, it hurts to see young women and knowing I will never get to live their experiences. I mean im only 28 so I know thats still kinda young but still thats almost 30 years of living a half life.
Now my spouse has been bringing up the idea of getting a house, or having a kid. I dont wanna get further compromised when Im thinking about transition because it will make things harder so I feel like my clock is ticking, im trying to push myself to have the talk with her maybe on the summer, Im not sure what would be the right time... sigh theres already a couple of family events/vacation that are planned but then again there is never gonna be a perfect time.
So im trying to work my courage to deal with all this. Besides venting I wanted to say I love u all, knows that there are people who are in similar situations makes me feel less crazy, thank u for reading.
1. You aren't crazy.
2. It's okay to be scared.
3. It's okay to vent. :)
Sweetie I'm not going to get into the whole marriage thing because it's something I have no experience with. There are much wiser heads around here than mine when it comes to that. Sufficed to say that I think your attitude is a good one with regard to dealing with things before you become deeper entwined in this relationship. That has to be better, in the long run, for both of you.
With regard to fear... sweetie that's normal. It's something a good deal of people face on a daily basis. And it's okay to be scared. Fear is a primal instinct from the times we were all living in caves and eating stuff that... well... is probably going to come back into fashion within the next few years in the posh restaurants of the world, lol. But my point is, fear is healthy. Letting it control, you... isn't.
By the sounds of it, you're at a place where you're ready to take steps to deal with it, hon. And that's awesome. And remember, the way the world is now... even 30... well, there's a good chance that's less than a third of your whole life. So you have much more stuff you can do and achieve from this point forward. :)
You can do it. I believe in you. *extra big hug*
I just want to put this out there, but if you did come out, there is no absolute guarantee you would lose your wife. There are numerous people who came out and still managed to hold their marriage. There is always a chance you wouldn't lose her.
All I could recommend is try to see if you can work things out and make things better and maybe then let her know. If you really want to make changes personally I believe it would be a good idea to say something before making a huge decision such as having a child.
But I really feel you should see if you both can make it work and at least try. Give it some effort. If it REALLY just wasn't going to work out maybe you two need to move on, but you should try to avoid that option if possible. Who knows? Maybe you'd get surprised.
It's also interesting this was brought up cuz I just saw an article yesterday about how they are making a documentary show or something about 4 couples where the husband came out as trans.
Here's a link to that:
https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/first-look-tlcs-emotional-new-lost-transition-series-follows-families-husbands-reveal-transgender-190016049.html
Thank you both for the support, the reason why Im so scared and feel like there is not much Chance to stay together is because a couple of years ago I brought up the idea of transition and it didn't go very good
It's not going to go well with your wife when you talk. That is very likely for sure. Will she leave you, no one knows that for sure. The deal is you need to talk with her openly and honestly. Speak and listen as well. Let her say all she needs to say and you as well.
My wife found out 5 months after I started meds and my breasts where to big to hide and my weight loss to hard to hide.
We have talked openly and honestly and I have gone from Doug to part time Doug and Donna to full time Donna in four months and the whole time working together. It was not smooth or pleasant and we talked calmly and honestly and things are much better.
Yesterday she announced to me that we are good to go forward together as we are, Marilyn and Donna and she is backing me 100%. Today a clothing order came in for me that she had ordered for me. Don't write her ofand start the conversation small and work your way up. She may not understand or feel what you are truly feeling and unless you talk she never will.
Quote from: Lilith.lupe.tamayo on April 26, 2018, 09:25:10 PM
Thank you both for the support, the reason why Im so scared and feel like there is not much Chance to stay together is because a couple of years ago I brought up the idea of transition and it didn't go very good
That for sure is a valid reason to be afraid. Psychologically speaking you have been trained to fear speaking about it through classical conditioning.
The unconditioned stimulus is a negative response (from your wife) which causes an unconditioned response in you to fear that behavior. Talking about transitioning would be your neutral stimulus which got paired up with your unconditioned stimulus (negative response) which triggered your unconditioned response (fear) so now, you fear talking about transitioning (think of Pavlov's dog and ringing the bell)!
Only, as smartsy as that sounds, in this case that's not necessarily a good thing :(
I don't need to talk fancy to tell you this:
People can have a change of heart.Maybe she was really against it in the past but who knows, maybe something happened to her that softened her heart to the subject without you ever noticing.
There's also the chance that she can learn to change her heart if you take steps yourself to support her as well (she may also be needing support, remember that).
Of course it can't be denied that there is also a chance that it just won't work out and she really will not be ok with it ever. It's sad, but it can't be denied. But that's where you have to ask yourself what it is you really want and need. And like I said in my last comment, if it's possible, try to see if you can both work through it rather than let it break you apart.
Who knows, maybe she will be upset, but learn to get better. Can't know if you never try.
I think if you don't want to move forward with a house and child, then it will be best to tell your spouse now. My spouse told me about his feelings the month before I was to start fertility treatments. It's been a struggle for me because I had a vision of how I thought our life was going to go. So, I think it's better to deal with it now rather than later. Your wife may not be happy, but I think it's more respectful in the long run.
Quote from: Cora on May 11, 2018, 11:00:45 AM
I think if you don't want to move forward with a house and child, then it will be best to tell your spouse now. My spouse told me about his feelings the month before I was to start fertility treatments. It's been a struggle for me because I had a vision of how I thought our life was going to go. So, I think it's better to deal with it now rather than later. Your wife may not be happy, but I think it's more respectful in the long run.
Thanks Cora. It's great to hear feelings from the other side. I hope you two are working things out. I know I did it wrong with my wife but she is accepting that we can live together as long as the dialogue is truthful and honest, and no more surprises.