Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Community Conversation => Significant Others talk => Topic started by: Angelaney on November 27, 2020, 05:38:48 am

Title: MTF in poly relationship, the issue of children
Post by: Angelaney on November 27, 2020, 05:38:48 am
Last Sunday my GF of 8 years (friends for 2-3 years before that) and BF of 3 years, announced that they want to start trying for a baby.
This didn't go as they'd planned and caused BIG problems, or rather I have caused BIG problems, I will spare you all the details of what I might have done in the heat of the moment. I can be an emotional mess at times, they're both sympathetic but can't wait for me to get HRT, in fact I get so bad that they've been asking me if it would be safe to self med.

Anyway...... I spent that night calming down in the spare room (not unusual for me), but I have gotten over myself and i'm actually genuinely excited. I just can't stop feeling nervous about how i'll fit in, about the impact on a small child of having 3 parents and of one of those parents transitioning mtf.

I grew up in a single parent family and there's nothing wrong with that, but I feel as though 3 has to be better than 2 and certainly better than 1. Obviously some people seem to disagree with that, particularity some of my friends, some who disagree with my transition, some who just don't like my BF because he's older than me and divorced once, as if that somehow makes him unsuitable......

I posted this to a large relationships forum yesterday, and i'm quite glad I excluded my "status", as I think the internet might have exploded!!!

I know there are plenty of people who have transitioned after having children, but usually they're grown up and have perhaps moved on from the family home. I'm told that the first 4 years of a childs life are THE most important, and so I worry that perhaps i'm going to be a "burden".
Title: Re: MTF in poly relationship, the issue of children
Post by: TSL_NB on December 01, 2020, 08:17:48 am
Hi, Angelaney!   

I'm not in a poly relationship, but I have a combination of both stepkids and biokids, and their dad is still in everyone's lives (and, I have a good relationship with that side of the family), so they have three parents, effectively.

The big thing, is that, if you'e destined to be a parent, is that the kids will need you, and they will need you to be a stable and loving parent, and they will love you right back, and it's absolutely amazing. :)

Title: Re: MTF in poly relationship, the issue of children
Post by: Pammie on December 01, 2020, 09:25:48 am
Last Sunday my GF of 8 years (friends for 2-3 years before that) and BF of 3 years, announced that they want to start trying for a baby.
This didn't go as they'd planned and caused BIG problems, or rather I have caused BIG problems, I will spare you all the details of what I might have done in the heat of the moment. I can be an emotional mess at times, they're both sympathetic but can't wait for me to get HRT, in fact I get so bad that they've been asking me if it would be safe to self med.

Anyway...... I spent that night calming down in the spare room (not unusual for me), but I have gotten over myself and i'm actually genuinely excited. I just can't stop feeling nervous about how i'll fit in, about the impact on a small child of having 3 parents and of one of those parents transitioning mtf.

I grew up in a single parent family and there's nothing wrong with that, but I feel as though 3 has to be better than 2 and certainly better than 1. Obviously some people seem to disagree with that, particularity some of my friends, some who disagree with my transition, some who just don't like my BF because he's older than me and divorced once, as if that somehow makes him unsuitable......

I posted this to a large relationships forum yesterday, and i'm quite glad I excluded my "status", as I think the internet might have exploded!!!

I know there are plenty of people who have transitioned after having children, but usually they're grown up and have perhaps moved on from the family home. I'm told that the first 4 years of a childs life are THE most important, and so I worry that perhaps i'm going to be a "burden".
Omg, I think this redefined the word “complex”!
So, how does this relationship actually work? Do you all have active relationships with each other?
Fascinating!
I doubt you will get much advice on bringing up a child within such a relationship but you never know. The thing is what role(s) will you play for the child? Clarity is critical there I think.
Wishing you lots of luck!


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Title: Re: MTF in poly relationship, the issue of children
Post by: RandyL on December 01, 2020, 12:47:15 pm
Every family is unique, so I can't offer anything specific. But love, freely given and received is crucial. If the child feels loved, valued and supported by all of you I don't think there will be problems for the child. All a child knows is what they are raised in. Your family will be their normal. They may even feel sorry for other children who only have one or two parents.

Your biggest issues will be with the outside world. Hopefully you can be a unit as you face any resistance. I also don't know about your legal status. Would you have any parental rights? Perhaps as some kind of guardian? This can be significant if you need to take the child to the doctor, pick up from school, etc.

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Title: Re: MTF in poly relationship, the issue of children
Post by: Angelaney on December 01, 2020, 04:47:28 pm
Omg, I think this redefined the word “complex”!
So, how does this relationship actually work? Do you all have active relationships with each other?
Fascinating!
I doubt you will get much advice on bringing up a child within such a relationship but you never know. The thing is what role(s) will you play for the child? Clarity is critical there I think.
Wishing you lots of luck!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


People find this hard to understand, but the dynamic is just a man with two girlfriends, if you put aside my birth gender it becomes much more simple :)

Before Daniel, it was just my GF and myself for 5 years, we had a difficult relationship at times and my gender issues caused a lot of intimacy problems, compounded by the fact that I don't think I ever fully developed where it might be expected.

My GF felt like she was the problem and that made me feel terrible, she suggested we try a poly relationship, she had a handful of dates, but I eventually met our BF, he's a bit of an "admirer" so he found me, he's divorced with no children and he's 46, 5 years older than me, and 11 older than her.

With regard to being "active" with eachother, we love eachother very much, we are "active" together in many ways, but to avoid being crude he is the man in the relationship and has been for the last 3 years.


We've talked about roles, but I don't think we'll know until it happens, I think or hope it will develop naturally as it does with all new parents. Except there will be 3 of us sharing all the responsibilities.

The more we've talked about all this, the less anxious I feel. I think I just had a lot of irrational thoughts and crazy ideas.