So I went on a date with this guy and we clicked instantly. He couldn't stop saying that how beautiful I am and he really likes me. He lives in a another country where I visit pretty often. We facetime and talk everyday. But the actual problem is that he doesn't know that I am transgender and I really wanna tell him but don't know how.
Can you give me any suggestion on how to tell him without him freaking out right away? He is very sweet guy and I love how he treats me. There might be a tiny possibility that he accepts the fact but I don't know. It's hard being in this situation. I am scared of getting rejected again :(
I'd say give it more time. You're just getting to know each other, and you don't need to disclose intimate details of your life right away. Get to know him better, learn his personality and his rhythms. Maybe discreetly bring up a few trans related topics to gauge his reactions, figure out if it's a pain point for him or not. About the only hard and fast rule I'd stick to when telling him is to do it in as physically and emotionally safe place as you can. Over facetime or on a public date is much preferable to telling him just before an intimate encounter.
Good luck! And remember, if he's worth dating, then he won't be a jerk about it.
I know this isn't a popular opinion, but my approach has always been to be completely transparent as early as I can, but still to do it gently.
In my very short experience dating as a trans woman, I've noticed there are so many straight guys who are into trans women, but the majority don't like feeling 'deceived.' As far as I'm concerned, I'm no different than a cis woman, but a lot of straight guys don't see things this way at first, and end up feeling lied to (as unfair and horrible an experience as that might be for us on the receiving end). When they feel this way, they may pull away even if they had originally thought they could date a trans woman.
When your cards are on the table right away (but again, laid out in a gentle and genuine way) they are less likely to feel weird about it. At least that's how it has worked with me.
In terms of practicalities, you may try something like...
"I really want us to get to know each other better, but there's something I'd like to be fully transparent about mostly because I do really like you/care about you, and I respect you... I was born a boy, even though I never felt like one. In my heart and soul, I've always been a girl, and once I was able to, I made physical changes to live the way I've always felt inside. I understand if you haven't really come across this in the past, but please know this doesn't change any part of what we've had so far. I still like you very much, and hope you feel the same. "
Or some variant thereof :P. Of course, all of this is up to you, but you asked for a specific "how to," so I thought I'd let you know how I've phrased it in the past. It's not perfect, and it's not truly reflective of what it means to be trans, but it's a start. You can refine your explanation of things once you start getting to know each other :)
I'd just get it out. Why try to build on a foundation of sand.
I I never tell them but again I am post op, with a passable female body (hips, butt, etc). I never dated pre-op as the thought of two bodies with two penises meeting never appealed to me, but that's just me. I have had a few boyfriends post op and they all remember me as beibg a regular girl. Had I told them, things would certainly have been different.
From my personal experience, no real straight guy would accept dating a transexual whether pre or post-op (pre-op being worse). It can be heartbreaking being rejected by the guy you like just because you are trans. Better wait until you're post op (that is if you're planning on having it of course).
Best of luck
Quote from: starting_anew on January 21, 2016, 11:35:23 PM
I know this isn't a popular opinion, but my approach has always been to be completely transparent as early as I can, but still to do it gently.
In my very short experience dating as a trans woman, I've noticed there are so many straight guys who are into trans women, but the majority don't like feeling 'deceived.' As far as I'm concerned, I'm no different than a cis woman, but a lot of straight guys don't see things this way at first, and end up feeling lied to (as unfair and horrible an experience as that might be for us on the receiving end). When they feel this way, they may pull away even if they had originally thought they could date a trans woman.
When your cards are on the table right away (but again, laid out in a gentle and genuine way) they are less likely to feel weird about it. At least that's how it has worked with me.
In terms of practicalities, you may try something like...
"I really want us to get to know each other better, but there's something I'd like to be fully transparent about mostly because I do really like you/care about you, and I respect you... I was born a boy, even though I never felt like one. In my heart and soul, I've always been a girl, and once I was able to, I made physical changes to live the way I've always felt inside. I understand if you haven't really come across this in the past, but please know this doesn't change any part of what we've had so far. I still like you very much, and hope you feel the same. "
Or some variant thereof :P. Of course, all of this is up to you, but you asked for a specific "how to," so I thought I'd let you know how I've phrased it in the past. It's not perfect, and it's not truly reflective of what it means to be trans, but it's a start. You can refine your explanation of things once you start getting to know each other :)
Thank you for answering all!
This sounds good but I am scared that the word "boy" might scare him away. Personally "I was born in a wrong body" sounds much more fitting for me :-X
In my opinion I would like the guy to get to know me first before judging me right away because I am trans. I have learned this after several occasions where guys did know that I was trans first hand and every one of them wanted just sex from me or thought I was just playing. After that I only tell after couple of dates.
I am having my surgery this year but I still get lonely. I don't know if I can handle another rejection. You really loose hope :'(
I call it "dropping the T-bomb"... and yeah, it might be a deal breaker but better to find out at the start than six months in when you're both more emotionally invested.
Especially people from other countries might have a bit harder time to understand.
I would play the biological card. A biological explanation is in my opinion much more socially acceptable.
I would explain you were born not completely a girl, but you work on it and will have an operation soon.
(The brains of transgender people have been found in studies to be those of women, there are differences in brains of men and women).
That your boobies are the real deal and that your p is defunct due to hrt and will be changed soon.
That you look like a woman, feel like a woman and are a woman.
And maybe later that you can understand men better than other people do .. so you can be more of what they are likely to want from a partner :)
Something along those lines.
Wish you luck.
hugs
I suspect what works for one might not work for another.
Just do what you feel and if it doesn't work - learn and adapt... And be gentle on yourself if one approach doesn't work for you :) It's the guy who's missing out ;)
xox
Sami
I feel for you. I say get to know him better. However, like everyone has said don't spend too much time only to be broken hearted in the end. It is a bitter pill to swallow but such is our life as women (and I am including cis females too). Give yourself a deadline and slowly introduce trans topics to him and gauge from there.
You are a beautiful woman. Stay strong xo
Quote from: marssu on January 22, 2016, 01:54:28 AM
Thank you for answering all!
This sounds good but I am scared that the word "boy" might scare him away. Personally "I was born in a wrong body" sounds much more fitting for me :-X
In my opinion I would like the guy to get to know me first before judging me right away because I am trans. I have learned this after several occasions where guys did know that I was trans first hand and every one of them wanted just sex from me or thought I was just playing. After that I only tell after couple of dates.
I am having my surgery this year but I still get lonely. I don't know if I can handle another rejection. You really loose hope :'(
Quote from: marssu on January 22, 2016, 01:54:28 AM
This sounds good but I am scared that the word "boy" might scare him away. Personally "I was born in a wrong body" sounds much more fitting for me :-X
I am having my surgery this year but I still get lonely. I don't know if I can handle another rejection. You really loose hope :'(
Yes, use words that feel right for you! :) that is also a great way of putting it.
I hope you don't lose hope <3 I will be thinking of you and hoping this works out <3
Also, I second that you are a beautiful woman :)
Quote from: Ritana on January 21, 2016, 11:57:36 PM
From my personal experience, no real straight guy would accept dating a transexual whether pre or post-op (pre-op being worse). It can be heartbreaking being rejected by the guy you like just because you are trans. Better wait until you're post op (that is if you're planning on having it of course).
Hmm had to respond to this. I've always been exclusively attracted to men, although on hormones, this has been changing. Anyway, pre-hormones, I was always very much crazy attracted to trans men, and that didn't make me 'bisexual' in any way, shape or form. And I should add that I would always take on a really feminine role with trans men too, so I didn't treat them any different. I understand you may have had your experiences with straight men, but the idea that 'no real straight guy would accept dating a transexual' is not really true. My bf calls himself straight, and my relationship with him is 100% public and a male-female relationship - he is trans-attracted without being fetishy, and although this is his first time dating a woman who is not cis, treats me no different than his ex's.
Also, if a person labels themselves a particular way (be it male, female, gay, straight, etc), it's not really anyone's place to question the label other than that person. Telling trans-attracted people they aren't "really" what they say they are kind of diminishes their experience and isn't very helpful.
Quote from: starting_anew on January 22, 2016, 09:39:40 AM
Quote from: Ritana on January 21, 2016, 11:57:36 PM
From my personal experience, no real straight guy would accept dating a transexual whether pre or post-op (pre-op being worse). It can be heartbreaking being rejected by the guy you like just because you are trans. Better wait until you're post op (that is if you're planning on having it of course).
Hmm had to respond to this. I've always been exclusively attracted to men, although on hormones, this has been changing. Anyway, pre-hormones, I was always very much crazy attracted to trans men, and that didn't make me 'bisexual' in any way, shape or form. And I should add that I would always take on a really feminine role with trans men too, so I didn't treat them any different. I understand you may have had your experiences with straight men, but the idea that 'no real straight guy would accept dating a transexual' is not really true. My bf calls himself straight, and my relationship with him is 100% public and a male-female relationship - he is trans-attracted without being fetishy, and although this is his first time dating a woman who is not cis, treats me no different than his ex's.
Also, if a person labels themselves a particular way (be it male, female, gay, straight, etc), it's not really anyone's place to question the label other than that person. Telling trans-attracted people they aren't "really" what they say they are kind of diminishes their experience and isn't very helpful.
Spot on. Some people seem to think they're the decider. ;)
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi there. I know the feelings you are experiencing. I've been there a few times and its never anything to get excited about. My only suggestion to you is when you are ready to tell him and you feel that he is special enough (and it sounds like he is) is to word your disclosure in such a way that you do not associate the words 'boy' 'man' 'male' or anything along those lines. All of us have such different personalities and viewpoints, so just follow your gut instinct based on the situation. I've always done it in a public setting cause you just never know. I've never experienced any negativity from it. I wish you all the best in pursuing your heart's interest.
Quote from: Ms Grace on January 22, 2016, 04:58:45 AM
I call it "dropping the T-bomb"...
From the Enola Trans ;D
Now seriously speaking, I think it's good idea to impress him in a positive way (without serious investment obviously) as much as possible before dropping the bomb. If you wanna follow this strategy (not telling at the beginning) the only smart way to do it is trying to get him attached as much as posible without attaching yourself to him, play the game keeping your head very cool. So before dropping the bomb make sure you played all your cards wisely.
As the other girls said testing the waters bringing transgender topics and giving a rational approach (explaining it from a biological point of view, using words like intersexed instead of transgender or "born a boy") may work better. Also, while approaching this way, you can do it a little drama queen. Try to make him empathize (if possible, tears included) with your struggle about telling and about being rejected because of that. Show him you were super worried about making him feel deceived. It may not work but I think it is worth trying, if you can touch his heart a bit, odds may increase.
Quote from: Tamika Olivia on January 21, 2016, 10:50:43 PM
I'd say give it more time. You're just getting to know each other, and you don't need to disclose intimate details of your life right away. Get to know him better, learn his personality and his rhythms. Maybe discreetly bring up a few trans related topics to gauge his reactions, figure out if it's a pain point for him or not. About the only hard and fast rule I'd stick to when telling him is to do it in as physically and emotionally safe place as you can. Over facetime or on a public date is much preferable to telling him just before an intimate encounter.
Good luck! And remember, if he's worth dating, then he won't be a jerk about it.
That's probably the best advice, if I told my boyfriend the first night I dated him that I was trans he probably would have dumped him and ran a mile, we got to know each other over time and really clicked, never tell on the first few dates particular if post op and you completely pass, I eventually told him when he propose marriage, you will know when the time is right to tell, he was surprised, we worked it out and was thankful that I told him, he has ever only known me as a woman and never knew me as a guy. I was relieved and a weight taken off my shoulders, we never discuss it now, we're now just a normal husband and wife, I was lucky that he completely and fully accepts me as a woman. He is a completely straight guy, had other girl friends before me, he treats me the same as he treats any woman.
Quote from: starting_anew on January 22, 2016, 09:39:40 AM
although this is his first time dating a woman who is not cis, treats me no different than his ex's.
My husband is the same, there are real straight men who do accept women like us and just get on with our lives, these days he is probably more concerned about my housewife skills cooking etc than my distance trans history.
When I first meet guys I don't tell them but then when they are coming to get me for a first date I tell them and somehow they r fine wit it which is a surprise considering how closed minded my area is.
Thank you all for the suggestions and sweet comments, very helping! <3 :)
I love this page!
I am sorry if I offended anyone when I said no straight man will accept dating a transexual. As I said, I refused to date pre-op. It just didn't feel right for me, and I knew that no straight man will accept being intimate with another partner with a penis. Guys who are into transexuals would probably love it, but they were never the type of guys I went for. And since I had my SRS a few years ago, I never tell any prospective boyfriend about my past. It is just easier this way and works best for me. That is my view, and it is not meant to offend anyone in any way, shape or form.
Hugs,
Rita
Quote from: Ritana on January 23, 2016, 02:33:52 PM
I am sorry if I offended anyone when I said no straight man will accept dating a transexual. As I said, I refused to date pre-op. It just didn't feel right for me, and I knew that no straight man will accept being intimate with another partner with a penis. Guys who are into transexuals would probably love it, but they were never the type of guys I went for. And since I had my SRS a few years ago, I never tell any prospective boyfriend about my past. It is just easier this way and works best for me. That is my view, and it is not meant to offend anyone in any way, shape or form.
Hugs,
Rita
Trans girls look like girls.
People are attracted by their feminnity.
Thei p*s are usually defunct. The anti androgens used for hrt are also used for chemical castration.
Their boobies are the real deal.
Studies have shown there are differences in the brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible.
There are even substances known that cause a higher rate of transgender people.
So its a womans brain.
Imo its people not completely born as girl, using hormones to change it.
There are quite a few cis people who are ok with it, pre or post op.
Trans girls are and do not behave like men.
Trans people can also be wonderful partners.
Due to their history they are likely to have a depth and understanding few people have.
hugs
Quote from: Laura_7 on January 23, 2016, 07:41:16 PM
Trans girls look like girls.
People are attracted by their feminnity.
Thei p*s are usually defunct. The anti androgens used for hrt are also used for chemical castration.
Their boobies are the real deal.
Studies have shown there are differences in the brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible.
There are even substances known that cause a higher rate of transgender people.
So its a womans brain.
Imo its people not completely born as girl, using hormones to change it.
There are quite a few cis people who are ok with it, pre or post op.
Trans girls are and do not behave like men.
Trans people can also be wonderful partners.
Due to their history they are likely to have a depth and understanding few people have.
hugs
Sweetie, Not sure what I would do.. He will want sex sooner or later.. you could tell him you want to put a hold on the relationship.. that you are dealing with something and maybe we can start up again later..then he will be begging you to tell him.. if he really likes you he wont want to put it on hold. In the meantime, If he is a great guy he may even enjoy your story.... If he walks for you just putting a hold on it then you never had him..
But do what feels right for you.. I really don't plan on dating without full disclosure.. He will have to love me for me.. and if that long term relationship does not happen well then I will be single.. and have fun living as me.. I may be hard to catch anyway.. and you could be too girl..
Nothing ventured nothing gained..... so happy for you.. for all of us who have become who we are..
Love
Keri
Quote from: Laura_7 on January 23, 2016, 07:41:16 PM
Trans girls look like girls.
People are attracted by their feminnity.
Thei p*s are usually defunct. The anti androgens used for hrt are also used for chemical castration.
Their boobies are the real deal.
Studies have shown there are differences in the brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible.
There are even substances known that cause a higher rate of transgender people.
So its a womans brain.
Imo its people not completely born as girl, using hormones to change it.
There are quite a few cis people who are ok with it, pre or post op.
Trans girls are and do not behave like men.
Trans people can also be wonderful partners.
Due to their history they are likely to have a depth and understanding few people have.
hugs
I totally agree with you, Laura. Remember you are talking to a transwoman here. In theory, you are 100% right. However, that is not how straight men see it.
Remember, we are talking about sexual preference. I have known guys who were very open minded, tolerant and friendly towards gay and trans but admitted to me they were not attracted by the idea of dating a transexual, and that is a matter of sexual preference. .They simply prefer vaginas to penises. We cannot change their sexual preference. And in the case of post-op's. many prefer what they consider " naturally born women". Sure, trans lovers do date transexuals (usually prefering pre and non op's ) but as I previously said this category of guys never appealed to me (although I respect their preference and choice)
This distinction and rejection hurts so much that I decided not to disclose my past to any boyfriend I am with. I also made a choice of not dating while I was pre-op as it never felt right for me.
I hope this makes sense now.
Rita
Rita, I understand you have your opinions and experiences but they aren't absolutes. I've chatted with a large sample size of men who are straight, don't have a preference for trans-women, and still want to be with me (sexually and otherwise). I've also been a first for some men who have gotten curious. Doesn't mean they're suddenly gay or even bi. If it's on a dating website, they usually look at my pics and message me not knowing I'm trans. Then when I explain it, more often than not they're still interested because I'm feminine and attractive, and that's what matters most, especially when they can work out the remaining sexual options. Works in person too. And I've gotten a lot of, "well I don't care, you're still hot and you're a woman to me"... Which, I could get into some nitpicking there but I go with it. The guy I'm currently dating has that same opinion, and doesn't need to discuss things any further than that unless it's necessary. Definitely the majority of guys I've talked to have just been straight guys without a preference, not bi, never gay, and most haven't had any experience with a trans-lady before. I really think it comes down to appearances. Men are visual and sexual creatures, and if you look the part, walk the walk, etc. and still get their motors going, most aren't going to care. And really, men aren't super picky... their genitals will direct them where to go. :laugh:
As for when to tell them, I'd say right away. I think if they'll be accepting about it at all, then you can tell them upfront. I don't think getting them attached under the assumption that you are a cis-woman is the right course of action. Many would equate this to catfishing. Is that fair? Maybe, maybe not. But it is what it is. And cis-women can go through this for a variety of reasons, like being overweight or something. If a guy can deal with it, he'll deal with it upfront AND you'll have the benefit of being honest with him from the start. I think hoping he will accept it later on after there's a connection is naive, and possibly dangerous. And it's a very female way of thinking about it all, so obviously a guy may not have the reaction you'd expect or hope for. If you're stealth, well... I suppose you have more of an option, but then it's your own conscience that is at risk. I know personally I'd feel weird about it, and paranoid about my past coming back to haunt me somehow. There's also those awkward moments when he might say something transphobic or whatever... It's another reason I'd want to discuss the topic because I'd want them to be okay with it anyway, especially because I have other trans friends.
Hi.
[I am] Sorry to read you are in this position. Doubtlessly by now you got many rich responses. So [my intent is] merely to second some of it.
Assuming you want to tell him, my best advice for the situation is be cool about it. Tell him. Do not make a drama out of it. You need to be the stronger one, as the more prepared one. That will allow him to show his reaction to the full. If I was freaking out, he might be inclined to calm me while already making plans to dump me 'nicely'.
But more general advice... during the transition I prefer people to know before we meet. Later on, will figure if that needs amending. My guy is probably a [to be] single father.
I suppose you are right, my opinion is not absolute but neither is yours. I have been dating straight guys for far too long to know that the vast majority wouldn't date transexuals. Sure some of them might make an exception, but the ones at the end of the spectrum would always prefer to be with a ciswoman. That has been my experience, and that is why I chose to live like any other ciswoman and date straight guys who wouldn't question my feminnity, nor would they try to imagine me as a "guy" in my former life.
That is my personal choice (and my vision of things) I understand some people may disagree with me, but each to their own. We are only debating here. I don't seek to impose my lifestyle on anyone (just like no one can impose theirs on me). It is interesting to exchange views and ideas, though.
Hugs,
Rita
Quote from: Ritana on January 24, 2016, 04:46:55 AM
I suppose you are right, my opinion is not absolute but neither is yours. I have been dating straight guys for far too long to know that the vast majority wouldn't date transexuals. Sure some of them might make an exception, but the ones at the end of the spectrum would always prefer to be with a ciswoman. That has been my experience, and that is why I chose to live like any other ciswoman and date straight guys who wouldn't question my feminnity, nor would they try to imagine me as a "guy" in my former life.
That is my personal choice (and my vision of things) I understand some people may disagree with me, but each to their own. We are only debating here. I don't seek to impose my lifestyle on anyone (just like no one can impose theirs on me). It is interesting to exchange views and ideas, though.
Hugs,
Rita
A lot of experiences in life are influenced by expectations.
Its what people radiate outwards : how they feel they will be treated ... what they think of themselves ... etc .
Other people read this subconsciously and act on this.
Its possible a few bad experiences have been a reason for a change of mind. But they are only that, and other experiences are possible.
So holding on to an expectation of being accepted and not making a big deal out of being transgender can help a lot.
Its more likely to make good experiences then.
Mabe its possible to concentrate on positive experiences... usually they are there .
Imo its like the neg comments on youtube ... I tend to overread them and concentrate on the positive ones.
It helps attracting the people who are pleasant to deal with.
hugs
Quote from: Laura_7 on January 24, 2016, 07:10:03 AM
A lot of experiences in life are influenced by expectations.
Its what people radiate outwards : how they feel they will be treated ... what they think of themselves ... etc .
Other people read this subconsciously and act on this.
Its possible a few bad experiences have been a reason for a change of mind. But they are only that, and other experiences are possible.
So holding on to an expectation of being accepted and not making a big deal out of being transgender can help a lot.
Its more likely to make good experiences then.
Mabe its possible to concentrate on positive experiences... usually they are there .
Imo its like the neg comments on youtube ... I tend to overread them and concentrate on the positive ones.
It helps attracting the people who are pleasant to deal with.
hugs
Good comment Laura!
I have to agree on that.
Conversation is getting interesting, lemme point some stuff.
Quote from: AsheyI suppose you have more of an option, but then it's your own conscience that is at risk.
Mostly agreed with you, except on this one. I don't think being stealth should be a conscience related issue. I mean... if we consider transsexualism as a health/medical/biological condition, I doubt anyone who takes this seriously could blame you. I can't imagine an AIS (Androgen Insensitive Syndrome) girl "having to" disclose or being expected to do for whatever ethical reasons.
In my opinion how were you born, the medical treatments you followed or the surgeries you had are no one's business. Although I consider ideal/optimal telling your partner (if we take seriously a relationship then it's supposed to exist total trust in each other)
I don't see it as an obligatory thing to do from any ethical point of view. You are what he sees, period.
Quote from: RitanaI have been dating straight guys for far too long to know that the vast majority wouldn't date transexuals.
I believe what you say is true but also I think the difference in the observations made by you and the ones made by Ashey can be explained. Different dating pools from different geographical places may behave completely unlike. Even in the same country and even in the same city, attitude from different groups toward trans people may vary enormously (and of course this includes if they would date transgender girls or not).
As far as I've seen, if you make an estimation among all the existing dating pools, those individuals who are open to date tgirls would be the less. But if you go for specific pools, you may encounter groups where a fair amount of individuals are open to date, and on the other hand, you may encounter groups where only a small minority would be open to date.
Overall speaking I think prospects are neither so optimistic nor so pessimistc :D
Quote from: AsheyI really think it comes down to appearances.
I would say it comes down to
everything about you, appearances included for sure (they play a really big part; as you said men are visual creatures). Physical appearance, atractiveness/sexyness, style, attittude, conversation, culture, interests, education, status... and how well you market this. Definitely playing tough and taking nothing for granted.
Quote from: RitanaSure some of them might make an exception, but the ones at the end of the spectrum would always prefer to be with a ciswoman.
This one may be worth to be taken into account. But that just means you need to compensate the "disadvantage" that being trans supposes for them.
I agree with most of what you said. However, at this stage I cannot take any risks of disclosing my past. Maybe time will change things, who knows.
Quote from: Wednesday on January 24, 2016, 09:45:30 AM
Mostly agreed with you, except on this one. I don't think being stealth should be a conscience related issue. I mean... if we consider transsexualism as a health/medical/biological condition, I doubt anyone who takes this seriously could blame you. I can't imagine an AIS (Androgen Insensitive Syndrome) girl "having to" disclose or being expected to do for whatever ethical reasons.
In my opinion how were you born, the medical treatments you followed or the surgeries you had are no one's business. Although I consider ideal/optimal telling your partner (if we take seriously a relationship then it's supposed to exist total trust in each other) I don't see it as an obligatory thing to do from any ethical point of view. You are what he sees, period.
I suppose conscience might be a poor choice of words. I didn't mean to say it's an ethical/moral issue, because you're right, I don't think it's an obligation to tell for any reasons like that. More to the point, I was referring to the paranoia that may ensue unless you have everything tied up and nothing to worry about coming back to bite you. Because let's face it, if you haven't discussed any of this with your partner, and you're deep into a relationship with them, regardless of whether they're okay with trans-folk they might see it as a betrayal, or that they couldn't be trusted with knowing that part of you. Sure you might think they don't need to know or shouldn't know, but there's always a chance they might see things differently, whether they're right about that or wrong. And of course, if they're not okay with it and somehow found out... well, it could be bad. But yeah, disclosure is a choice not a necessity if you have that option.
I feel so sad.
So basically I was sleeping with him and we were just talking and I asked him while were talking about sex in general that has he ever been with a man and he answered that he is homophobic and doesn't specially like transexuals because god made only female and male. He said that if he saw a trans person he feels disgusting... Mind you he still doesnt know my T.
It was very hard hearing that because he was sweet person and I really fell for him. He was in love with me too... I am very devastated. He thinks that transexuals are just men dressing like a woman.
I told him that I dont want to do anything with him anymore after what he said. He still wants me but I know this isnt going anywhere.
Why being trans is so hard? Is this worth it? Am I ever going to find a decent guy? I wish I was cis. I dont think I will ever forget this man. He was special and perfect other than his opinions about gays and trans people.
Quote from: marssu on February 17, 2016, 07:45:43 AM
I feel so sad.
So basically I was sleeping with him and we were just talking and I asked him while were talking about sex in general that has he ever been with a man and he answered that he is homophobic and doesn't specially like transexuals because god made only female and male. He said that if he saw a trans person he feels disgusting... Mind you he still doesnt know my T.
It was very hard hearing that because he was sweet person and I really fell for him. He was in love with me too... I am very devastated. He thinks that transexuals are just men dressing like a woman.
I told him that I dont want to do anything with him anymore after what he said. He still wants me but I know this isnt going anywhere.
Why being trans is so hard? Is this worth it? Am I ever going to find a decent guy? I wish I was cis. I dont think I will ever forget this man. He was special and perfect other than his opinions about gays and trans people.
So sorry to hear that things ended up like they did. I can feel your devastation. I was reading through the replies, thinking of what I could say that may be helpful to you. My heart sank when I saw your update.
I ran across an old quote on Facebook this morning that I think is appropriate here:
Be careful of who you hate, because it might be someone you love. I wish I had stumbled across this thread sooner and been able to share that with you before all this happened.
Quote from: allisonsteph on February 17, 2016, 08:03:14 AM
So sorry to hear that things ended up like they did. I can feel your devastation. I was reading through the replies, thinking of what I could say that may be helpful to you. My heart sank when I saw your update.
I ran across an old quote on Facebook this morning that I think is appropriate here:
Be careful of who you hate, because it might be someone you love.
I wish I had stumbled across this thread sooner and been able to share that with you before all this happened.
Thank you allisonsteph. That quote really suits.
I just dont feel like I am a woman after what he said...
I cant get pregnant and basically do nothing for a man :((
Being transgender has biological connections.
http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf
Studies by reputable sources are shown there. Its also explained with pictures.
Studies have shown there are differences in brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible.
There are even substances known to cause a higher rate of transgender people. They are off the market now.
Also transgender people have been around in all cultures so its not a cultural thing.
The brains of transgender people are wired this way before birth and there is no known way to change this.
So its literally a womans brain in a mans body.
You might tell him that there are birth conditions like missing limbs and people are called to help with medical aid and support.
Its not a perfect world yet.
It has nothing to do with religion.
Its similar to seizures.
Some time ago people thought of posession until it was accepted its a biological thing.
The recognized remedy for transgender people is to transition.
Apart from that its people with normal needs and cravings like everyone else.
If you are explaining and not making a big deal of it its more likely they react likewise.
Well ... if they are a good human being they might react positively ...
Quote from: marssu on February 17, 2016, 07:45:43 AM
I feel so sad.
So basically I was sleeping with him and we were just talking and I asked him while were talking about sex in general that has he ever been with a man and he answered that he is homophobic and doesn't specially like transexuals because god made only female and male.
You can tell him this is nonsense. There are a multitude of known conditions from XXX to testosterone insensitivity .
There is a huge band in between, its simply not widely talked about in schools etc, maybe for simplicity's sake.
Its like saying there are only yellow and red flowers. Of course there are orange ones.
Quote
He said that if he saw a trans person he feels disgusting..
This is a case of projection.
He is happy with his gender idendity and body, they match. He cannot presume this is the case with all people.
Transitioning would not be for him and thus he might have a feeling of unease.
He needs to understand that there are people where this is not the case, they need to transition.
They feel different than he does.
Quote
It was very hard hearing that because he was sweet person and I really fell for him. He was in love with me too... I am very devastated. He thinks that transexuals are just men dressing like a woman.
Well do you want to move on without having tried to tell him ?
Quote
Why being trans is so hard? Is this worth it? Am I ever going to find a decent guy? I wish I was cis. I dont think I will ever forget this man. He was special and perfect other than his opinions about gays and trans people.
We are like unicorns. We are rare. Have some self confidence.
Either this guy loves you and will understand or someone else will.
hugs
I accept that I am in a very minority position here, but I do not see why some of us find a compelling need to tell all right up front. Don't ask, don't works fine for me. If ever asked, be honest, but before then, enjoy life as a cis-woman would. As others have said, when presented up front, what might have been a good relationship never gets off the ground, moistly through fear and misunderstanding on the part of the cis-man. But, if you give the relationship a chance to develop, and you have had a lot of good sex with each other, the T-Bomb, when delivered, usually does not explode. His mind already has accepted you as the real woman that you are and there is no "fear of the unknown."
I know of no cis-woman who would ever think about telling a new boyfriend all about their past sexual and surgical history. It is just not done -- that is something to discuss, if at all, way into a successful relationship that might become LTR. Why are so many of us so afraid to use the womanly tricks that are so successful with cis-women. Being trans certainly was a big deal for us, but not for anyone else. My cic-sister worked for several years as a prostitute -- when she met her future husband (at church, no less, not as a client), do you think she ever told him about her past? No way, and he was very happy with what he did not know. Maybe I am just living in a different world from you all, but post-op means that you are just the same as any other woman, secrets and all. Why do we want to make it hard for ourselves?
Hi! I think your beautiful , oh! by the way if you haven't noticed I'm trans.
Quote from: Laura_7 on February 17, 2016, 01:54:34 PM
Being transgender has biological connections.
http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf
Studies by reputable sources are shown there. Its also explained with pictures.
Studies have shown there are differences in brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible.
There are even substances known to cause a higher rate of transgender people. They are off the market now.
Also transgender people have been around in all cultures so its not a cultural thing.
The brains of transgender people are wired this way before birth and there is no known way to change this.
So its literally a womans brain in a mans body.
You might tell him that there are birth conditions like missing limbs and people are called to help with medical aid and support.
Its not a perfect world yet.
It has nothing to do with religion.
Its similar to seizures.
Some time ago people thought of posession until it was accepted its a biological thing.
The recognized remedy for transgender people is to transition.
Apart from that its people with normal needs and cravings like everyone else.
If you are explaining and not making a big deal of it its more likely they react likewise.
Well ... if they are a good human being they might react positively ...
You can tell him this is nonsense. There are a multitude of known conditions from XXX to testosterone insensitivity .
There is a huge band in between, its simply not widely talked about in schools etc, maybe for simplicity's sake.
Its like saying there are only yellow and red flowers. Of course there are orange ones.
This is a case of projection.
He is happy with his gender idendity and body, they match. He cannot presume this is the case with all people.
Transitioning would not be for him and thus he might have a feeling of unease.
He needs to understand that there are people where this is not the case, they need to transition.
They feel different than he does.
Well do you want to move on without having tried to tell him ?
We are like unicorns. We are rare. Have some self confidence.
Either this guy loves you and will understand or someone else will.
hugs
Thank you for the link Laura!
I really dont even know if I want to do anything with him or tell about my T...
Maybe his thoughts might change but I dont know. I am scared that he will freak out and find me crazy. What makes this even harder is that he lives another country and we wont see eachother often. Maybe its better to forget him :( its really hard.
You don't have to tell someone straight away but I think if you're going to get intimate with someone, even kissing, then you should tell them. People have a right to know the truth before they consent to anything, otherwise it's not consenting in my opinion. Even though a trans woman is a woman, and a trans man is a man, some people still may simply not want to sleep with a trans person and that is their right to choose. (Not aiming this so much at the original poster, just anyone who says they wouldn't tell someone.)
Quote from: Ashey on January 24, 2016, 03:24:30 PM
I suppose conscience might be a poor choice of words. I didn't mean to say it's an ethical/moral issue, because you're right, I don't think it's an obligation to tell for any reasons like that. More to the point, I was referring to the paranoia that may ensue unless you have everything tied up and nothing to worry about coming back to bite you. Because let's face it, if you haven't discussed any of this with your partner, and you're deep into a relationship with them, regardless of whether they're okay with trans-folk they might see it as a betrayal, or that they couldn't be trusted with knowing that part of you. Sure you might think they don't need to know or shouldn't know, but there's always a chance they might see things differently, whether they're right about that or wrong. And of course, if they're not okay with it and somehow found out... well, it could be bad. But yeah, disclosure is a choice not a necessity if you have that option.
I think it's a complicated issue, since if the person knew about it then they might not consent to intimacy. So that's why it's more important than telling them about other things, that probably wouldn't affect the likelihood of them consenting. Also whether it's ethically ok or not, it could make somebody feel awful if they found out after having sex or whatever. So that is something to take into consideration. Just to know that other people's feelings are at risk too. I personally would feel absolutely awful and betrayed and violated if someone wasn't completely honest with me before getting serious in a relationship and having sex within a relationship, and I'm allowed to feel that way.
Update:
So I told him. His reaction was very suprising considering what he said about trans people. He was very confused after and couldnt believe me and still denying it. He said that he still loves me but is very confused. He thinks that I am joking but I wrote to him a very long text so how am I joking here. He told me that he needs time and should concentrate on his life for now since he has job interviews etc. I am glad he wasnt aggressive or anything though.
What should I do? Should I give him time?
Quote from: marssu on February 23, 2016, 02:07:03 PM
Update:
So I told him. His reaction was very suprising considering what he said about trans people. He was very confused after and couldnt believe me and still denying it. He said that he still loves me but is very confused. He thinks that I am joking but I wrote to him a very long text so how am I joking here. He told me that he needs time and should concentrate on his life for now since he has job interviews etc. I am glad he wasnt aggressive or anything though.
What should I do? Should I give him time?
obviously he's trying to let u down easily. "Concentrate on his life"? Arnt u suppose to be part of his life. I'd say forget him. If a guy is fine wit it he will be fine wit it from the start.
Quote from: marssu on February 23, 2016, 02:07:03 PM
Update:
So I told him. His reaction was very suprising considering what he said about trans people. He was very confused after and couldnt believe me and still denying it. He said that he still loves me but is very confused. He thinks that I am joking but I wrote to him a very long text so how am I joking here. He told me that he needs time and should concentrate on his life for now since he has job interviews etc. I am glad he wasnt aggressive or anything though.
What should I do? Should I give him time?
*hugs*
I would have wished for a better outcome.
Well its hard to say ...
you might give him a few days and then contact him again, saying that you are still the same person and transgender people are people like everyone else, with normal needs and cravings...
and maybe you could give him a few days afterwards to decide ... if he still can see you as a person he likes...
thats what I'd do...
wish you the best,
*hugs*
I'll just give him couple of days and see... ??? :'(
Use your words. Be up front about it, if whomever you told runs off, you're better for not having to know them.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I dunno. If you want my very personal opinion I would forget about him even if he comes back begging me to date again.
Anyway, I would have dumped him after hearing his uneducated opinion about trans people. Folks who give heavily judgmental uninformed opinios are just not worth my time. Seriously, now I'm wondering if it would be more suitable to make them run an IQ test even before knowing their opinion about trans* issues ;D
Quote from: SophieSakura on February 17, 2016, 05:15:14 PM
I think it's a complicated issue, since if the person knew about it then they might not consent to intimacy. So that's why it's more important than telling them about other things, that probably wouldn't affect the likelihood of them consenting. Also whether it's ethically ok or not, it could make somebody feel awful if they found out after having sex or whatever. So that is something to take into consideration. Just to know that other people's feelings are at risk too. I personally would feel absolutely awful and betrayed and violated if someone wasn't completely honest with me before getting serious in a relationship and having sex within a relationship, and I'm allowed to feel that way.
I agree. There's also a safety consideration isn't there? If you don't tell someone and they find out at some point and are upset, that might not be a healthy situation. Early on, before things have become at all intimate would seem to be far safer both physically and emotionally for everyone involved. Whether there is any "obligation" to tell is kind of beside the point, I would think. Transphopia and violence against women of all backgrounds are all too real. But these are just my impressions, I'm not dating and can barely remember what dating (as a guy) was like. I just know that if I were all of a sudden dating, I wouldn't dare bat my eyelashes at a guy over coffee without telling him and telling him in a safe place in case I found I'd misjudged him.
@marssu, you should congratulate yourself on being brave and honest and facing the issue. I would take his words at face value and give him some time but I wouldn't hold my breath. You're a beautiful woman and holding yourself unavailable is not going to benefit you in any way.
Hugs,
DeeDee
Thank you all <3 really appreciated