Like several others on the forum, I do not have the possibility to go full time to a full transition. My reason is to keep my 30 year marriage together, with a loving wife who accepts me as a TG, she also accepts my HRT, but she can not stand to see me dressed as a woman when she is around. Therefore, I only take the opportunity to do so when I visit my therapist and a few trans and cis friends with whom I am out.
Who is in such a situation and would have some experience of such "compromise" to share? Is it doable for a long time?
Pascale
I did low dose HRT for a while. There's a really good post in it here.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=130268.0
Then I increased it to a transitioning dose. Been about 10 years now, still presenting male.
Quote from: Autrement on September 10, 2018, 10:51:58 AM
Like several others on the forum, I do not have the possibility to go full time to a full transition. My reason is to keep my 30 year marriage together, with a loving wife who accepts me as a TG, she also accepts my HRT, but she can not stand to see me dressed as a woman when she is around. Therefore, I only take the opportunity to do so when I visit my therapist and a few trans and cis friends with whom I am out.
Who is in such a situation and would have some experience of such "compromise" to share? Is it doable for a long time?
Pascale
Hi Autrement,
This is exactly how I manage my angst, unease & dissatisfaction of not being female. My wife will allow skirts and dresses when I come home from work. She doesn't tolerate more extreme presentation though. The more feminine dresses that reveal cleavage & makeup are off limits.
The most feminine presentation must happen when she is not around. The agreement is " I don't want to see it "
My wife does know about all of the cross-dressing though and sometimes sees the residual mascara ect.
HRT + feminine expression keeps me going. The distraction and mental burden of gender misalignment is too much otherwise. So far this method has worked since November 2015.
I want to keep up HRT so that when an opportunity to push the envelope or go full time is available I won't miss the boat. I can't really live without HRT anyway.
On the whole I like my life, I am very thankful for everything, I love my wife and 2 sons. This scenario keeps me quite happy & functional.
Yours truly, Kirsten [emoji126].
PS How far would you personally go if the opportunity was there ?
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Many thanks AnonyMs and Kirsten.
AnonyMs: the thread you are quoting is great, I follow it with a lot of interest. I would like to know how Luna Nyan is doing as she did not post since a long time.
Kirsten: do you mean you are out at work, or you just CD when you are back? You have a very good question as PS: the more is goes, the more I believe I would be ready to go far if opportunity allows. But I would see when I am there!
Pascale,
A dear friend of mine started a thread a while back that may be of interest to you. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,234332.0.html Unfortunately she is no longer with us, but she showed tremendous class in dealing with not being able to fully transition. I admired her and her strength. I wish you only the best.
Moni
I really don't think she accepts you as transgender atall going by what you said.
I don't know how you do it in the sense that you now must hold back all of who you are for the sake of someone who doesn't love all of you. :/
Compromise should not involve compromising oneself.
Compromise on the car the house other things, but not yourself.
Just how I feel about it
I am a survivor of childhood sexual and psychological abuse with Dissociative Identity/Multiple Personality Disorder (DID/MPD). My female alter and I have lived completely separate cisgender lives, ala Tootsie, Victor/Victoria/Mrs.Doubtfire for 9 years now. Apart from my my immediate family and the medical professionals who treat me, neither of us is "out" to anyone in either of our lives. NO ONE has seen us both or is privy to the details of my condition.
HRT brought great peace to my System. I have an androgynous body and neither me more my female alter have any problems being seen as our gender by the people in our lives. Psychological bleed through between me and any of the alters in my System is beyond the ability of my mind at this point in recovery, but neither my female alter nor my wife want to "see" each other. It would destroy the delusion my mind uses to protect me from the feelings and memories contained in my female alter. Our couple's psychologist explained is simply not possible for my wife to conceive of one person as both a man and a woman. Accepting my female alter would destroy her image of me as her husband.
It takes a little juggling, but my wife and I are both retired and have been at this long enough that accommodating my female alters need to be out and about living her life two days a week is the least of our problems dealing with my DID. This works very well for my System, but I am not sure a nondissociative person's mind would be able to keep up the level of compartmentalization this requires.
Quote from: Autrement on September 10, 2018, 02:17:11 PM
Many thanks AnonyMs and Kirsten.
AnonyMs: the thread you are quoting is great, I follow it with a lot of interest. I would like to know how Luna Nyan is doing as she did not post since a long time.
Kirsten: do you mean you are out at work, or you just CD when you are back? You have a very good question as PS: the more is goes, the more I believe I would be ready to go far if opportunity allows. But I would see when I am there!
I am not out at work at this time. I do get some questions though about my appearance and not always male disposition. In the end the team will have to know.
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Hi Rachel_Christina,
The reply of "I really don't think she accepts you as transgender" gets me thinking to a certain extent. I do appreciate the honest comment. It is true my wife is dealing with something she didn't sign up for when we got married. I would dearly love her to support my transition but she does support my sons and me in so many ways. She does an excellent job as wife and mother to 2 sons. She has gone from nil acceptance of my femininity to on board with a degree of female expression. She has filled my hormone script for me. So HRT is not a roadblock.
I am hoping & confident of going full en femme while she is present.
The truth remains at this stage, her natural instinct as a cis woman does not bide well with a husband that often presents as a woman. She has felt something was not fully male about me for the last 20 years - now she knows- this doesn't mean she fully accepts it.
Rachel please put any comment out there about dealing with trans + family and friends. An authentic comment can be worth 10 sugary ones.
Now I have hijacked Pascale's thread. Sorry Pascale.
Sending peace and love,
Kirsten[emoji126]
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Hey Kirsten, maybe if she can eventually learn to love all of you is another aspect to it. Maybe she needs time to develop and learn about herself. I think a person would need to be very honest about their willing and trying to accept. Otherwise for someone who knows they can never accept it, it's best just being honest so the trans one can go off and be there true selves, I think its the right thing to do.
Telling someone you might accept it at some point knowing full well they could never get round it, I think it's very cruel and selfish
I hope for those of you in this situation it works out.
It was the first thing in my head when I knew I was gonna come out about being this way. I could let none stand in my way.
Just my thoughts, hugs, Rachel
HappyMoni, many thanks for telling me about this thread. Denni was definitely very courageous.
Virginia, thanks for your experience and your explanation about how you cope.
Rachel and Kristen, thanks for this interesting debate!
For me, 30 years of living together happily, building things together, loving and raising 4 children is very important. Yes, I am trans and this is a significant part of myself, but I am also a loving husband and father and I receive a lot of love from my family. I do love my wife and she does love me, even if my trans side makes her very sad, because she feels the is loosing the man I let her believe I was.
Therefore any kind of partial or full transition or non-transition choice includes a sacrifice. I have to find the right balance at a given time, to be authentic and also as ethical as I can...
For sure, the experience of others is really helping and inspiring and providing food for thought.
Many many thanks to all of you!
Hugs.
Pascale
Thanks Rachel, I do need to be careful not to fall back into the pressure cooker I was in prior to HRT.
Also does your transition mean that you never present male these days? Is male mode totally a thing of the past?
Pascale I would love to see how your female life developes.
Love& peace, Kirsten[emoji1652]
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I can only imagine the pressure of 30 years of marriage and coming out do not go to well side by side :/ careful moves will be the best way forward, and alot of talk between you and your partner Autrement.
And yeah Kristen I don't like the though of how things where before it either. I could never go back.
And yeah I'm full time now, I had to do the old Facebook coming out thing before returning to Ireland from Switzerland.
It has been the most liberating time.
My main obstacle was and still is my father. He's fine other calling me by my old name and pronouns
I can't let that get to me though
Thanks Rachel, wishing for breakthrough with your father. I guess a lot of it is a bit new for him.
Hugs, Kirsten
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Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on September 11, 2018, 12:41:40 PM
Thanks Rachel, wishing for breakthrough with your father. I guess a lot of it is a bit new for him.
Hugs, Kirsten
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Thank girl, he's known for more than a year now hes just the very thick kind lol
It is incredibly difficult as a trans person to have patience. Let's just say I was no good at it. I did have my family to consider when I turned my life upside down in there eyes. I was extremely careful and slow in the things that I did, especially things that were visible. The frame of mind that they need to have to adjust to changes takes time. We think of our brains needing to change in our adjustments, I fully believe our loved ones brains have to change to adjust their perspectives. Some can not make that change. Pascale, your thoughts of fairness, being ethical and balanced in your approach with family is quite admirable. It will take great strength on your part. I did refer you to Denni. We had a long, close friendship. I transitioned, she did not. I could not have done what she did. She had an ability to be very disciplined and had great loyalty to her loved ones. I do believe she managed to carve out a path for herself that allowed her a good deal of happiness while not transitioning. I think it can be tougher than transitioning. I hope you find your path satisfying for all.
Moni
Dear Monni,
Many thanks for your comments. I agree with you time is so important for everyone to realise, understand, get used to what is coming so suddenly. This is first of all what I want to let to my wife and children. And then, I will see if I can find a balance that make me happy enough or if I have to consider more. Both choices require courage anyway.
Hugs.
Pascale
I'm not sure exactly what the difference is in "cannot accept" and "will not accept" and I'm not sure that it matters all that much in the long run. We all change over the course of our relationships and it is always the right of the other party to negotiate or head in a different direction.
My spouse accepted until she didn't as much anymore for her reasons. She asked for compromises but gave me a fairly short window in which to accept/implement them. By that time I was in another relationship ( we were poly anyway) but I was willing to put boundaries around myself in order to get her to feel better in being together.
But alas, she had other options and I had other options, so we split. This is also key sometimes people have few other options so they stay under some sort of truce. That is ok too. Like Rachel though, I believe ultimately we need to be able to accept and love the whole person, otherwise, neither person is living the way they need to live.
Quote from: RobynD on September 19, 2018, 09:00:42 AM
I'm not sure exactly what the difference is in "cannot accept" and "will not accept"
The phrasing "Cannot Accept" does not involve the choice or decision of "Will Not Accept." Am extremely importation distinction.
Autrement,
I think it is a perfectly reasonable position. I work in a conservative business with responsibility for many employees- I don't want to change my relationship with them. I also have a wife that I've spent 10 great years with and would not do anything to jeopardize that relationship.
I've been on HRT 4 months now, and it has helped. I'm growing my hair out and a few more minor items. But I never had brutal dysphoria that made my life as difficult as I see many people on here suffer with. It was just more frustrating than I wanted it to be - so I did something about it.
4 months isn't very long, but I hope it is sustainable. Knowing that I'm running on Estrogen on the inside has added joy. Part of me does still desire to fully transition 10 years on or more, but I'm at peace for now.
SaraDanielle,
Many thanks for your comments and experience.
A lot is similar to mine.
Hugs.
Pascale
WOW, I'm so glad I found this thread. You ladies are trying to do the same thing that I am! I am 67 strongly m2f in a 30 year marriage that I'm trying to save. I told my wife that I'm trans before we married and I've always behaved in a feminine manner. Started transition 35 years ago when I had my face done but then shame and fear took over - and I stopped it all!
Since then, with my clear face, I coped by social interactions in public (almost 100%) passable. Even went to some singles dances. Very lucky I could do so without hormones. Until 18 months ago when the dam broke!
I started touchup electrolysis, low dose estrogen 9 months ago, and I do volunteer work. Pretty much 100% passable by now.
No plans to transition though I ache to do so. Transition would be no marriage. She helped me get over my shame, encouraged me to volunteer, and other things, but she can't see me become a woman.
We are working togethet with our therapist to make this work, BUT I don't know if I can keep it up without going insane. And I needed to stop estrogen ladt weekend, maybe forever, for medical reasons.
Quote from: Autrement on September 10, 2018, 10:51:58 AM
. . . a loving wife who accepts me as a TG, she also accepts my HRT, but she can not stand to see me dressed as a woman when she is around . . . Is it doable for a long time?
Pascale I call it "
living the dream" rather than "
walking the walk" how could anybody who's not time invested in "spouse & family" possibly understand? Having been on/off then on HRT again for almost the last 40 yrs have long ago left "
gender dressing" behind and have concentrated on overall feminine presentation instead. Spouse knew of my "trans issues" when we met and married at 30 and now that our 2 children, a girl and boy, are of age we are sharing grandbabies as well (even though divorced in 2010) . . . and guess who's their favorite?
3yr old is going as Elsa (from Frozen) this Halloween and asked me if I'd be Anna . . . lol told her I cannot for same reason can't take her potty in the girls bathroom. People usually dressed like boys *not allowed*! Daughter-in-law's entire extended family knows I'm transgender yet am accepted, her grandmother advises "should have (FFS) if I truly want to be a girl".
Time to do "pre-school" pickup -
Hakuna Matada!
Thank you for this post. I am in a similar situation...30 year marriage, kids and career with a large impact.
In my case, my dysphoria came on very very strong a year ago with several periods wishing I was no longer for this world. When high dysphoria - physical and social, come together with profound levels of fear and sadness toward those you are impacting, things become unbearable. It is a pleasure cooker and you feel like it could explode anytime.
I am in a much better place rather than separate male and separate female life, I continue to integrate mild transition into my life. I used weight loss and health as the overarching story, but I now live everyday with some clothing, makeup, manners that help me feel aligned. This and HRT - AA have helped, especially for the first 2 months on HRT. I am much clearer and calmer in my mind than I have been in years, if not for ever.
That said, my dysphoria and sadness returned with aggression over the last 3 weeks, when I openly shared with my wife's and therapist what my dysphoria is like (ie how I hide and dislike "it") and what my female image and desire is. I have since shared these specifics with my closest friends. This triggered a terrible level of dysphoria and sadness....while the HRT was working, I had also been suppressing my fear, sadness and gender feelings. When I shared them verbally, I unleashed them again and pushed me to the next level of transition. We will now tell our kids about gender dysphoria, so they know and can travel with it. And I have purged more male casual clothes and integrated female clothes more into my life. And I will likely start E.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I may partially transition but don't know yet. I think we need to help each other in terms of how to cope and still feel like we have a full and happy life. I am about to return to meditation and breathing, which helps. But I am not sure what to do when the pressure cooker goes into overdrive.
Asking for help and inspiration. Thank you for starting this thread.
Big hug
Karen
I have carefully read over the post replies here and the good news is that we are here where we will find like-minded transitioners that have many of the very same issues and situations that we all have to some extent.... wife, family, loved ones, home, kids, clubs and activities, employment, etc.... no one can kid us to thinking that this is easy....., transition and eventually coming out full time if that is in our plans, is a very difficult gauntlet to get through and still maintain all the things that we have spent a lot of time and energy to accomplish.
The beauty of the Forums here is that we will find lots of others that as we can share concerns, questions and ideas with regarding all of these difficulties and finding out what others have done and how to go forward to positive results and if desired to our final transition goal that we ourselves can only define. I personally have found support and encouragement for all of the threads on the forums including this on.
Keep talking everyone, the more that we share, the more that we will benefit from each other's personal stories.
I will be eagerly following this thread to glean more things that are helpful to me and also to determine if I can offer any constructive comments myself.
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle
Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences, what you succeeded to achieve and also your difficulties and questions. It is so helpful to know that we are not alone to struggle with conflicting desires, particularly the desire to keep a marriage together and the desire to let our female self express itself.
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on October 05, 2018, 12:28:57 PM
how to go forward to positive results and if desired to our final transition goal that we ourselves can only define.
Yes, Danielle, I fully agree that only us can define our transition goal. I admire how you courageously decided your transition and started a new life in spite of your family and friends not accepting well, as you explained it in your threads and posts. I like how positive you are, it is really inspiring.
But each of us is in specific situation. I founded a family with a wife and 4 children, they rely on me for their lives. Therefore defining a transition goal is not easy at all for me, I have no clue what my final goal will be. For the time being, I am trying to avoid a full transition, because I believe it would harm my wife and my children. I feel I have a responsibility towards them, and if I am happy enough without fully transitioning, why would I impose it to them? But to what extend will it be doable to avoid it? For sure, there will be a limit and if I feel too frustrated, I guess I will have to do something about it. What is the right price to pay for me, and for the others around me? I admit I do not know yet and I shall see how thing evolve in the future.
Hugs.
Pascale
Hi. Everyone's journey is so personal.
My diagnosis was "severe dysphoria"....I still can't believe how I supressed it for so long.
In my periods of heavy dysphoria and anxiety, I feel like I am going to explode. I have chosen to make permanent changes to cope. HRT has helped, but these feelings and waves persist.
I had several periods of suicidal thoughts and plans, and with the goal to leave this earth without my kids ever knowing. And only remembering me in the most positive way. Through lots of love and very special people of Susan's Place, I think I have moved past these feelings and plans. It has forced me once again to realize the strength of my dysphoria and face the fear.
My wife and I are planning to tell our children about my gender dysphoria near Christmas. Not that I am officially transition, but what is happening. From a love and integrity perspective, I feel strongly that they deserve to know and travel on this journey with my wife and I. We also have our 6 closet friends and extended family who have been traveling with us on their journey for about 6 months. It has been incredible for my wife and I to have their love and support. It has done so much to help us see that the bottom of our lives is not going to fall out if I have to or choose to go all the way. When we transition everyone in our lives have to transition.
For work, I suspect I will choose to tell a few people at work at some point in the next year. I work in an LGBTQ...supportive organization, however my situation has a bunch of uniqueness attached to it that I wont get into. From an understanding and integrity perspective they will deserve to know at some point.
This day by day and slowly bringing in and along loving and trusting people in this journey has helped my wife and I so much. And it has helped them learn, adjust and support. I don't know if I would be alive now if we did not have these people at our side.
Just further perspective on my journey. Each of know our own individual environment and needs, and we need to feel and find our way. I just hope by sharing we can learn from each other, and continue to feel normal and supported in this safe space.
Lots of love
Karen
Dear Karen,
Thanks for sharing all this to us.
I also wonder how I could have denied my dysphoria until I was 50! I guess I used many strategies, for example to think about other things (family, career, volunteering) and this is not so bad to some extent - but probably also I escaped from really living my life and paid some heavy price with hidden frustrations.
It is so good to be out to friends who understand and accept. I am thinking of 2 of them who are so kind and sincerely loving, they really are helping me regain my self esteem. With my wife, we also plan to be out to a good group of friends we shall meet next week, I look forward to talking with them: I hope this will help my wife feel less lonely with the problem of my dysphoria, as she could not share it with any friend yet.
For the same reasons as you did, I told 3 of my children who are over 20 year old. It was good for me to tell them the truth about this important part of myself. They were moved by the confidence, they accepted me well and expressed compassion. But afterwards, they admitted in the following months that they had difficulties to cope with the news. It is like something is destroyed is what they believed I was, and it is complicated to cope with this new image of their father. Even if we still love each other very much.
I am also thinking about telling my boss, who leads the company where I work, as we are friends and the company is very inclusive as part of its core values.
Hugs.
Pascale
@Autrement Thanks for sharing back.
I worry about the same impact on my kids. The are incredible humans and I think they will be very compassionate and understanding, however it worry it will trigger a fear of loss. I have changed a lot in the last year, and I know they see it. They are so loving and accepting that they have never commented on my clothes (androgynous looking but female) or make up. Total acceptance and love. That said, once its official, I worry about hurting them. Like you my feeling is they deserve to know and be able to travel on this journey.
Our friends have been very helpful for my wife. One of they has a psychology background and have been very helpful to her and other close friends. My opening up to them was very emotional for me...feelings of fear of loss, feelings of sadness for impacting them, and feelings of living a lie all impacted me. It was big, but very helpful as they now have had 6 months to learn, understand and support.
Good luck with your boss. It is hard to know what the right thing to do is. One the one hand, people don't deal well with grey, and are much better at seeing and understand absolutes. On the other hand, we need to live in integrity and often the most supportive people need time to process, learn and understand. Good luck. I look forward to learning from you.
Thanks for sharing. It is clear that this is a journey to find a place of comfort, and not a choice.
Please take care.
Karen
I came out to my boss a few days ago. He is a good friend of mine and owns the company where I work. As I expected, he listened to me very friendly, with a lot of compassion and surprise. He told me that during several days he kept thinking of my situation, as he was far from suspecting such a thing. He would have no problem to keep working with me exactly as we do today, if I decided to transition some day. But he is very concerned and compassionate about my dilemma. He knows my wife and understands how much I love her, how much we both love each other. And she certainly has the right to not accept my transition, I cannot just impose it to her...
A similar discussion also happened very recently, as I came out to 10 friends of a christian group we belong to with my wife. She and me explained our situation, and they were moved very much by our dilemma, understanding and compassionate, really concerned by the lack of solution...
At least my wife and I fell less alone with all these friends knowing, and this really helps. I hope it will bring some serenity as we continue down the road.
And by the way, I proposed my boss to hire a trans woman who already fully transitioned, a friend of mine with good IT skills, as we need such skills. This a good chance this could happen, and I am obviously very happy about it...
Pascale
Quote from: Autrement on October 20, 2018, 04:08:42 AM
I came out to my boss a few days ago. He is a good friend of mine and owns the company where I work. As I expected, he listened to me very friendly, with a lot of compassion and surprise. He told me that during several days he kept thinking of my situation, as he was far from suspecting such a thing. He would have no problem to keep working with me exactly as we do today, if I decided to transition some day. But he is very concerned and compassionate about my dilemma. He knows my wife and understands how much I love her, how much we both love each other. And she certainly has the right to not accept my transition, I cannot just impose it to her...
A similar discussion also happened very recently, as I came out to 10 friends of a christian group we belong to with my wife. She and me explained our situation, and they were moved very much by our dilemma, understanding and compassionate, really concerned by the lack of solution...
At least my wife and I fell less alone with all these friends knowing, and this really helps. I hope it will bring some serenity as we continue down the road.
And by the way, I proposed my boss to hire a trans woman who already fully transitioned, a friend of mine with good IT skills, as we need such skills. This a good chance this could happen, and I am obviously very happy about it...
Pascale
Hi Pascale,
Very interesting post . I would love to hear how a trans employee & your feminine expression works out. I work in a blokey /roughneck environment & workmates know I often dress as a woman. I know one must use respect and discretion when dealing with the transgender issue. People seem to need reassurance & guidance with a good mate who also has a feminine side.
Please keep putting it out there,
Kirsten[emoji1652]
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Wow. I can relate so much to the fears and desire to not hurt family, my spouse or hurt my career. Each of us have to find our way through this maze.
This week I came out to 3 more people, 2 people in the professional community and a friend. Next is my teen age children at Christmas. And then I think I need to tell my bosses.
While I consider myself partial transition, the reality is I am transitioning but with not firm end point. The step by step and day by day approach allows my wife or I to not get too overwhelmed. But the reality is I am transitioning. I just don't know how far.
Like has been said, if I went backwards or did not take small steps, I would go insane. I am not sure I would make it.
I feel for all of us.
Karen
Thanks Kirsten and Karen.
I also feel the need to move forward step by step, and I cannot imagine going backwards.
I do not have andro presentation, usually present as a male unambiguously (although on HRT since 3 years) but I like spending time fully dressed as a woman with friends who are aware and accept. Or spending a full day as a woman in a monastery, I do that sometimes.
Hugs.
Pascale
I was about to type, "How did I miss this thread?" But in fact, I know. Susan's is SOOO big, and I feel like I already spend too much time here... ;D
Pascale and Karen, I am in exactly your boat regarding a long term marriage and a sort of supportive wife. 38 years married, two kids (30 and 33), and started VERY slowly transitioning 30 years ago, but never in front of my wife. Most of our friends "know" but I don't dress female with them either. Making things somewhat non-standard, I am pretty much completely out at work. (I say "Pretty much" because I didn't start here 24 years ago as "Kate" and there may be some who haven't figured it out yet.) So, at work, full time. At home, No Time. Geesh. Could I have done this any more backwards?
And to paraphrase Tony Stark: This is not even close to the weirdest thing about me... ;D
Anyway, I hope y'all continue to share your thoughts and experiences in this area. I would very much appreciate seeing and learning from you...
Thank you,
Kate
KatieP, that is the complete opposite of how most people transition with work being the last place not the first. How do you handle dressing for work if you living as a guy completely at home? My worst time of my life was when I was going back and forth, never know how I appeared as to anyone really.
Quote from: mm on March 28, 2019, 10:34:40 AM
KatieP, that is the complete opposite of how most people transition with work being the last place not the first. How do you handle dressing for work if you living as a guy completely at home? My worst time of my life was when I was going back and forth, never know how I appeared as to anyone really.
Oh, MM, you have NO idea!! Virtually everything I have done in "transition" has been completely backwards. I am literally the model of how NOT to transition!
;D
And, I don't think I would have done so at work were it not for two things:
-- I work at customer sites, and when not at customers, I work out of my house.
-- My company is exceptionally supportive about non-standard employees.
So, I don't have to get dressed every day, in front of my wife, and go into the office. Typically, I fly early, so I get up before her to get dressed and travel. Then at the customer site, they only know "Kate" so there are no issues and no going back and forth. The more visible permanent things, such as the (overly) plucked eyebrows and pierced ears caused issues when they happened, but sort of acceptance eventually came, and they too became "normal." The minor issue working at home is my voice. Of course all my calls are as "Kate" and that voice does not sound like what she wants to hear.
When I work at home, I mostly sit around in my jammies, so I never use the video options... ;D
I love my wife, and although I say I would do anything to keep her, clearly that is a lie since literally every year I have done something significant. But I am absolutely willing to be inconvenienced and to sacrifice to try to have it all.
What did you do during that time in your life? How did you get through it? Any hints, tips, or tricks to share?
Kate
Yours is a special case for sure. You must pass well to be able to travel and be accepted by your clients as a woman. I think we do whatever is necessary to be able to live our and still interact with those we love so much.
Quote from: mm on March 29, 2019, 08:59:10 AM
Yours is a special case for sure. You must pass well to be able to travel and be accepted by your clients as a woman. I think we do whatever is necessary to be able to live our and still interact with those we love so much.
;D
You can see my picture. I don't pass well. But happily/surprisingly, it has never actually mattered. Perhaps it is just the culture today. But, as a consultant, I prefer to think my customers care more about what I say than how I am dressed.
;D
It does help that all my "documentation" says, "Kate,' has an "F," and has a picture very similar to my avatar here. I have never been pushed, but I have thought I would just dare them to prove it, if they thought I was anything other than an old, homely, woman...
;D
Kate
Wow this thread is like looking into a crystal ball for me and scary. I am only 9-10 months HRT but also married 30 years. My wife I would say puts up with it but does not accept it but is adament we will not split. My kids don't know and I am living in male mode. I thought just taking hormones would be enough for me but as the changes take effect I definately want more. My wife can't even take my hair getting longer and said absolutely no negotiation when I mentioned trachial shave. I don't CD to a large extent just very subtly that she really doesn't notice. Starting HRT has literally saved my life and my original intention was the same as most in this thread but I guess HRT affects us all in different ways and I do need to push the envelope farther but think I might be able to hold back from full out full time if we were to stay married but I definately need more flexibility.
Jess
My husband claims he's okay with it, but honestly there are lines over which I fear to step.
He didn't sign up for a same sex marriage, and he's taking it remarkably well all things considered but at the same time I get the distinct impression from small things he's said that he'd vastly prefer I presented as male but didn't fully transition medically.
He'd prefer I remained to a degree androgynous.
Maybe that's easier for him.
But it's difficult because there's your love for this person and your fear of losing them in conflict with this need to be comfortable in your own skin.
I suppose they say marriage is all about compromise, but the real knack is figuring out a compromise you're both happy enough with. Because if you're suffering for their benefit or vice versa, it's not really compromise is it?
I keep thinking how would I take it were roles reversed and honestly, my priority would be my beloved's safety. But then again, I AM pansexual and monosexuality confuses the heck outta me (as in, this idea that genitals or gender presentation would in any way stop you loving a person.) I accept that's how a lot of people are, but I still find it bewildering because it's not how my brain is wired up.
But it IS a big deal and it IS a big change.
We were walking down the highstreet yesterday and right now i'm pre T, just dressing full time in a more masculine manner which for a women isn't really that wierd these days, and husband put his arm around me and kissed my head as he often does and i was struck with a sad realisation. If I do present as more masculine, those tiny gesture of affection suddenly becomes potentially dangerous and that's heartbreaking.
Will he stop sliding an arm around my waist? Will he stop kissing my head?
Will he no longer feel comfortable doing so in public?
will the reality of me being more masculine be too much despite his claims of bisexuality and tolerance?
Because ultimately, it's very easy to SAY you'd be okay with something, quite another to actually live it.
I mean I LOVE the idea of growing a beard but I think that somehow threatens my husband's masculinity.
I've noticed since I came out he's begun to grow his facial hair out and proudly declared he'd grown more chest hair lol. Oh fragile masculity.
I mean i said to him "darling, no matter how hairy I get, you have one thing over me. You'll always have the bigger dick"
I think that appeased him a bit lol.
I admit though, i'm finding it harder and harder to present as feminine. I can get away with it sure, but it disappoints me at the same time because I have some really quite lovely female clothing I just feel SO awkward wearing now.
And I know that's stupid because omg man, clothing isn't gendered, cut it out.
It is difficult with a partner though, I got to bed wanting to excitedly talk about plans, transition, hrt and surgeries etc but my eagerness is too much and husband recoils. It's too much too fast, he panics. I see it in his eyes.
And then I feel like I shouldn't mention it.
it sucks.
I'm trying to be understanding, trying to take it slow, trying to be considerate but it's SO HARD.
Oh ladies, it's so so hard.
Quote from: F_P_M on May 16, 2019, 08:24:17 AM
My husband claims he's okay with it, but honestly there are lines over which I fear to step.
He didn't sign up for a same sex marriage, and he's taking it remarkably well all things considered but at the same time I get the distinct impression from small things he's said that he'd vastly prefer I presented as male but didn't fully transition medically.
He'd prefer I remained to a degree androgynous.
Maybe that's easier for him.
But it's difficult because there's your love for this person and your fear of losing them in conflict with this need to be comfortable in your own skin.
I suppose they say marriage is all about compromise, but the real knack is figuring out a compromise you're both happy enough with. Because if you're suffering for their benefit or vice versa, it's not really compromise is it?
I keep thinking how would I take it were roles reversed and honestly, my priority would be my beloved's safety. But then again, I AM pansexual and monosexuality confuses the heck outta me (as in, this idea that genitals or gender presentation would in any way stop you loving a person.) I accept that's how a lot of people are, but I still find it bewildering because it's not how my brain is wired up.
But it IS a big deal and it IS a big change.
We were walking down the highstreet yesterday and right now i'm pre T, just dressing full time in a more masculine manner which for a women isn't really that wierd these days, and husband put his arm around me and kissed my head as he often does and i was struck with a sad realisation. If I do present as more masculine, those tiny gesture of affection suddenly becomes potentially dangerous and that's heartbreaking.
Will he stop sliding an arm around my waist? Will he stop kissing my head?
Will he no longer feel comfortable doing so in public?
will the reality of me being more masculine be too much despite his claims of bisexuality and tolerance?
Because ultimately, it's very easy to SAY you'd be okay with something, quite another to actually live it.
I mean I LOVE the idea of growing a beard but I think that somehow threatens my husband's masculinity.
I've noticed since I came out he's begun to grow his facial hair out and proudly declared he'd grown more chest hair lol. Oh fragile masculity.
I mean i said to him "darling, no matter how hairy I get, you have one thing over me. You'll always have the bigger dick"
I think that appeased him a bit lol.
I admit though, i'm finding it harder and harder to present as feminine. I can get away with it sure, but it disappoints me at the same time because I have some really quite lovely female clothing I just feel SO awkward wearing now.
And I know that's stupid because omg man, clothing isn't gendered, cut it out.
It is difficult with a partner though, I got to bed wanting to excitedly talk about plans, transition, hrt and surgeries etc but my eagerness is too much and husband recoils. It's too much too fast, he panics. I see it in his eyes.
And then I feel like I shouldn't mention it.
it sucks.
I'm trying to be understanding, trying to take it slow, trying to be considerate but it's SO HARD.
Oh ladies, it's so so hard.
It is hard! I wish there were a sure fire method to deal with it all F_P_M.!
Think keep talking and communicating as much as possible and go at a speed of transition you can both accomodate.
With luck physical intimacy can remain intact.
My cis wife cannot be attracted to my femininity so we are just platonic friends.
The key could be keeping the physical romance alive. It can really help overcoming obstacles I believe.
Kirsten xx.
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