Hi!
I have yo-yo'd with my gender dysphoria for some time now while living as a male. Last December was kind of a breaking point for me. About week and a half before Xmas, my job decided to tell me they were transferring me to a new hospital, new department, new schedule, 40 minutes further into NYC (Already drive 45-55 minutes now). I broke the news to my managers the same day and was lucky to have support from them and several doctors who protested the move. HR was pressured to stop the transfer and was told I'm staying. The following week my father had a heart attack on the train ride home and literally only survived because an EMT worker and Resident Doctor were taking the same train to go to work. I think all these shocks to my system kind of planted the seed of what am I doing with my life? What if I or someone I loved passed away tomorrow feeling unhappy with myself on a daily basis and never telling them how I feel?
Earliest memory I have regarding these feelings was when I was 4 years old, laying in my parents bed to go to sleep because my older brother was doing homework in our room. I turned to my moms side table drawer that had all of her socks in it. I saw a sparkly stocking and for whatever reason I HAD to try it on. I put it on and quickly hid my leg under the blanket and it felt so nice. But growing up with Irish/Italian parents and a brother that was 5 years older then me, I was scared of the torment, hatred, anger I assumed I would face and quickly took it off and never told anyone.
Every birthday after that, I would always wish that I would wake up as a girl the next day. (It never seemed to work darn it) I went to Catholic school and remembered seeing all my classmates in their skirts and pantyhose and being so jealous to the point I'd stare and just daydream about myself in their uniform.
Fast forward further through the awkward attempts to put on my mothers clothing and shoes when no one was home, putting on nail polish and struggling to get it off before someone came home, forgetting to put a pair of stockings on my floor back into my moms drawer. I was kind of a late bloomer and had wicked acne during high school. I loved anime and drawing which helped me get through 4 years of an all boy High school. Most of my friends were all solely girls as a hobby and trying to score with them. I was definitely also attracted to girls but I kind of just wanted the bond more, having someone that genuinely wanted to be with me.
After graduating and going to college, i met my first and only girlfriend. Seven years later we got married. 2 years after that we had our first son, and 3 years after that we had our second son.
My pent up dysphoria pushed me to the point that I told my wife I had a kink, I liked cross dressing and it made me horny. She was shocked at first but wasn't surprised because of several drunken encounters and some halloweens were I dressed up as a woman. It seemed to make me feel better temporarily but I began to see discomfort in my wife's eyes. There would be several times I asked if I could dress up for sex and she would say no (buzzkill). I stopped doing it and went back into hiding soon after.
Now here I am today. I started seeing a therapist in January this year (thanks to wonderful stories I've read on her and looking up so many wonderful MTF transition photos). I started dieting and feeling so much better about myself. I came out to my wife recently that I am transgender (about 3 weeks ago). Since then I cry on a regular basis and struggle to maintain a healthy relationship with my wife while trying to be the best parent for my two babies and be a competent nurse at work. I'm not sure if my marriage is going to survive and I'm not sure I can be truly happy not seeing my kids everyday. That is my story.
I am Sabrina, thanks for having me and hearing me out! <3 ^_^
@Zefoxe Dear Sabrina: I am so very glad that you have become a member here and that you found the Susan's Place Forums.
As you continue to post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are. I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here.
This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.
I also want to warmly
WELCOME you to Susan's Place.
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members. When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others
and offer support to others. ....
***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will
make some new like-minded friends here.
Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
I have attached important and informative
LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.
Please look closely at the
LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.
Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
DanielleHere are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with: Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) |
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Hi Sabrina, I know the heartache that comes from transitioning in a marriage. It boils down to....what makes you happy? I balance myself to work within the marriage, as I have 38 years invested in it. It still is a struggle, but I'm happy with the choices I've made in regards to my needs. I do understand the impact that being separated from children can have, but a parent with unfulfilled needs can be one that has a hard time fulfilling their children's needs.
Please invest in finding a couples therapist for the two of you, at a minimum, one on one for both of you. Counseling for your children when they are old enough could also be of great help.
I see that our lovely
Northern Star*Girl @Alaskan Danielle has welcomed you with her charm and grace. She also provided some very helpful links to information to make your experience here enjoyable. Please give them a look see 🌸🌸🌸
Hugs and smiles, Jessica
Welcome to Susans Sabrina. Great name by the way. Audrey Hepburn fan?
Yours is a very familiar and very touching story. Congratulations on finally doing what need to be happy.
Thanks you for the replies everyone 😙
Yes I had a crush on her when I was younger 😂 but I think it more so stemmed from the Sailor Moon cartoon/anime. I also liked Sabrina the Teenage witch TV show 😁
Hi Sabrina :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Hi Sabrina
Welcome to Susan's, Hope you enjoy your time here :icon_wave-nerd:
There are lots of great people with valuable experiences and only to happy to share them with you.
Take care ;D
LizK
Hi Sabrina!
A lot of your story is familiar to me, but I never did have children. My wife and I tried, but she found out she was infertile and I think I had some of my own fertility issues, too.
In my own story, my wife was all-in early on. It wasn't until I started to talk about permanently transitioning that she began to have second thoughts and eventually she told me it was over. The last straw for me was when she went on a date with someone. I had to leave work early that day when she told me she would be out when I got home. I was completely devasted, I swore up and down that I would put that part of me away and I went deeply back into my closet and joined her evangelical church. Church didn't last long for me, but we continued, anyway...for a while. Eventually, my internal feelings became far too much for me to handle, I came out to her again and it was over.
I can't imagine what it would be like to have my own children involved, but I do feel for you and understand how they would be a huge consideration in your decisions.
In my own story, I did find the man that would save my life and we eventually married, but that relationship is going through its death throes, as well.
I wish you all the best and I hope you are able to find a place you are happy with yourself, whether that be with your wife or on your own.
Hi Sabrina :)
Welcome, I am new here too. :)
Best wishes
Margrit