AND YET, i keep wanting/wishing i was female, Even tho id prefer not to feel this way at all, it seems i cant think of anything else, ive tried denying this part of my life, ive tried to deny it and also my sexuality as well, i couldnt go as far as dating girls but i have been Asexual, its like i sometimes want sex but not in this skin currently it feels to awkward and wrong any which way boys, girls it doesnt matter it just feels wrong
I cant move forward in Boy mode with my life anymore,
But Im too much of a coward to come out and even just accept it
Sometimes im scared that id become a slut if i acknowledge Christy, im afraid of just how much i will change?
It feels like am i being too dramatic like too much of a drama queen? about this whole disphoria thing, can i just grin and bear it? is this what i should do?
it just seems so ridiculous that i feel this way, i dont really do anything feminine im not even sure if i want to be extra girly id like to maybe explore it more but feel too scared, or i feel like id be letting my down Mother, who is really the only person in my life that i care about atm because any friends i have had ive not let anybody get superr close to me in case i were to tell them
Sorry about the dark post, right now it feels like ill never be happy
I even told my mum last year i dont really like girls and am more attracted to boys, so i think im gay, she first said if your gay your gay, but she didnt believe i was gay cus ive never showed any attraction to boys before that she could see and i said well i dont really like girls, she said how do you know in my head i wanted to say, cus im a trans girl and it doesnt feel right to like girls but currently it doesnt feel right to like boys, but instead i said, i just feel more attracted to men she didnt seem too impressed and it felt like i was letting her down... i dont think i can bring myself to tell her about Christy....
Hi Christy I will say I believe what you are feeling is totally common. I know it is for me, for ever I wanted to be a girl I was always much happier when I was, I was more social when I could act female yes I went through a slutty phase I am not proud of but for me that was my breaking point, I when I decided to transition, There is nothing that says you have to be extremely girly. There are no rules for you being you. You can start with something small and experiment from there I did, and I think your mom will love you for who you are if you can talk to her about it, You can also call a gender therapist or Councillor you may have a LGBTQI center in your area you can talk to they are Confidential and no cost.
Better to get it out than keep it in, sweetie. Seriously. *hugs*
Doing feminine things does not equal being a girl, Christy. Not necessarily. And your post kind of touches on something deeper that a lot of people realise at some point. It isn't necessarily about what you do, don't do, want, don't want... it's just about who you are. It's something that you can analyse to death based on your interests, sexual orientation, hobbies, pastimes, habits... you know, every little thing about your life. But it's that nagging inside your head which won't go away, and colours all of these.
It isn't ridiculous at all, hon. Not at all. And you're NOT being a drama queen. You're at a place many people have been. Look, you don't have to be "girly" to be a girl. You just don't. Who you are on that level is the canvas, not the picture you paint on it. And if your canvas is wrong then no matter what you paint on it, it will be wrong.
The best thing you can do at this point is get in touch with a professional if you can, to talk about all of this with. Express how you feel and see what happens with that.
But don't feel like it's silly, or ridiculous to feel the way you feel, okay? It isn't. :)
Quote from: natalie.ashlyne on December 20, 2017, 10:37:51 AM
Hi Christy I will say I believe what you are feeling is totally common. I know it is for me, for ever I wanted to be a girl I was always much happier when I was, I was more social when I could act female yes I went through a slutty phase I am not proud of but for me that was my breaking point, I when I decided to transition, There is nothing that says you have to be extremely girly. There are no rules for you being you. You can start with something small and experiment from there I did, and I think your mom will love you for who you are if you can talk to her about it, You can also call a gender therapist or Councillor you may have a LGBTQI center in your area you can talk to they are Confidential and no cost.
Thank you :) it sucks that the universe decided to dump this on me... UGH
I find it hard to talk about anything sexually related to mum, she is Asexual and whenever we watch a movie together she says anything sort of sexual she says yuck, it doesnt matter if its LGBT related or not she just doesnt like it, i sort of feel like she would be OK but i spent most of my time in my 20s thinking that she wouldnt even worse then that my accommodations SUCKED, i spent the most of the 20s living with my family afraid to be myself there was like 5 or more people living with us at any given time i hated it LOL i felt like if i made a big scene about it then others not mum so much but other people i lived with wouldnt accept and might try and get me kicked out i never once thought mum would do that but just be pressured by everyone else....
But now im 31, and its just mum and i, i feel like its time maybe to stop the merri go round, but im scared still a lifetime of suppression ya know?
Quote from: Sephirah on December 20, 2017, 12:40:28 PM
Better to get it out than keep it in, sweetie. Seriously. *hugs*
Doing feminine things does not equal being a girl, Christy. Not necessarily. And your post kind of touches on something deeper that a lot of people realise at some point. It isn't necessarily about what you do, don't do, want, don't want... it's just about who you are. It's something that you can analyse to death based on your interests, sexual orientation, hobbies, pastimes, habits... you know, every little thing about your life. But it's that nagging inside your head which won't go away, and colours all of these.
It isn't ridiculous at all, hon. Not at all. And you're NOT being a drama queen. You're at a place many people have been. Look, you don't have to be "girly" to be a girl. You just don't. Who you are on that level is the canvas, not the picture you paint on it. And if your canvas is wrong then no matter what you paint on it, it will be wrong.
The best thing you can do at this point is get in touch with a professional if you can, to talk about all of this with. Express how you feel and see what happens with that.
But don't feel like it's silly, or ridiculous to feel the way you feel, okay? It isn't. :)
Thanks for the kind words and hug :) *returns hug*
i have over Analyzed it to death and then i created like a door in my mind where i put all these feelings so i didnt feel them and only come out sometimes, but ive always known i was Transgendered even before i knew what it was, i knew ive just been afraid to deal with it
Part of me wants to, BUT right now i dont feel girly, i mean i feel more girly than i do manly, but, i also kind of dont feel free to express it atm, scared to move forward,
It does feel like a constant Nagging, if i were a girl things would be better, if i were a girl i wouldnt be doing this manly chore or task, if i were a girl people may not be so mean to me, if i were a girl i would be ok with how people see me (i have been confused as a girl more than once) why wasnt i just born female? When CIS girls complain about men makes me think well im not a man im a woman, the nagging just sucks
Im thinking about looking for a councilor in the new year
It does feel ridiculous/silly sometimes, so i compartmentalize it like i said ^^ but thanks for saying :)
Quote from: Christy Lee on December 20, 2017, 05:17:55 AMim afraid of just how much i will change?
You get to decide just how much or how little you change. Hormones can settle your mind and reshape your body, but they won't change who you are. Only you can do that. You can be however you want to be.
Quote
It feels like am i being too dramatic like too much of a drama queen?
I can't see anything that would make me call you a drama queen. Just a possibly/probably transgender person struggling to make sense of it all. Like all of us here have done or are doing.
Quote
about this whole disphoria thing, can i just grin and bear it?
Some people can, for a time. The thing is, though, dysphoria tends to get worse over time. People do tough it out for various reasons, especially to avoid disrupting families. But it gets harder to do as time goes by.
Quoteis this what i should do?
Only you can decide what you should do. A gender therapist would help you to sort out your feelings and plan what course of action would be best for you.
Hi Christy 🙋♀️ I have always considered myself a very logical person and I can't come to grips with the "why" as easily as the reality of reality. For me, a calm acceptance to the reality is to me a peaceful spot in the eye of a storm that I alone control. We create our world we live in to find balance on this seesaw we call life.
Om (this was deep), Jess 💁♀️
Why do you think things would be better, Christy? In what way?
(Sorry, I'm a nosy cow a lot of the time, lol.)
I too tried to live as a guy. For 65 years. I could not live the lie anymore. I too am not feminine. If the citizens were more accepting and there were a history of transitions when I was in my twenties there is no doubt I would be Mrs Oday now. But there were very few examples and those that didn't have surgery were described as perverts and prostitutes. We now know with a great degree of certainty that being transgender is not a choice. Honestly nobody I know would choose this course on a whim. Most today believe there is an underlying cause such as in my case. My mother was administered massive doses of female hormones at an very important juncture in development where the body was already formed and the brain developed on the female hormones. These hormones were administered continually in amounts in excess of 3000 times the estrogen in a single birth control pill over the last 2 trimesters. I have two suggestions that can help to make the appropriate decision. Contact a Gender Therapist. Visit some support groups. Use the wiki's above to seek them out. My transition has been the best thing I ever did for myself and by dotted line. My family. They are still confused but are getting accustomed to the situation. And my life is the best it ever has been. No stress, no guilt. Dealing with bigot's is relatively easy especially since it is a single encounter, smile and walk on by. Living in a more accepting city such as Seattle is a big plus. I hope you make an informed decision and enjoy the rest of your life.
Quote from: Sephirah on December 20, 2017, 04:43:30 PM
Why do you think things would be better, Christy? In what way?
(Sorry, I'm a nosy cow a lot of the time, lol.)
Please never demean yourself because you ask a question. It is not LOL. Seeking knowledge is one of the best things you can do and if anyone objects, it's their shortsightedness not yours.
Quote from: Sephirah on December 20, 2017, 04:43:30 PM
Why do you think things would be better, Christy? In what way?
(Sorry, I'm a nosy cow a lot of the time, lol.)
I dont really know if things would be better, its just the nagging tells me things would be better if i were a female, ive never liked being a man, doing manly chores etc, etc, i just want to be normal and not feel these things
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 20, 2017, 04:16:06 PM
You get to decide just how much or how little you change. Hormones can settle your mind and reshape your body, but they won't change who you are. Only you can do that. You can be however you want to be.
I guess i sort of mean like, how much have i been suppressing? because of fear/shame
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 20, 2017, 04:16:06 PM
I can't see anything that would make me call you a drama queen. Just a possibly/probably transgender person struggling to make sense of it all. Like all of us here have done or are doing.
Thank you, i felt last night in my head i was being a drama queen LOL it comes and it goes
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 20, 2017, 04:16:06 PM
Some people can, for a time. The thing is, though, dysphoria tends to get worse over time. People do tough it out for various reasons, especially to avoid disrupting families. But it gets harder to do as time goes by.
I can compartmentalize it to a point where i barely feel any disphoria, just some random thing happening or some big thing, like a month ago, i got hit on in boy mode, he thought i was girl, felt quite embarrassed/ashamed/tried not to look, but after that i thought how HOT it would have been if i was a girl, and my disphoria is now the worst its ever been
Quote from: DawnOday on December 20, 2017, 05:57:45 PM
I too tried to live as a guy. For 65 years. I could not live the lie anymore. I too am not feminine. If the citizens were more accepting and there were a history of transitions when I was in my twenties there is no doubt I would be Mrs Oday now. But there were very few examples and those that didn't have surgery were described as perverts and prostitutes. We now know with a great degree of certainty that being transgender is not a choice. Honestly nobody I know would choose this course on a whim. Most today believe there is an underlying cause such as in my case. My mother was administered massive doses of female hormones at an very important juncture in development where the body was already formed and the brain developed on the female hormones. These hormones were administered continually in amounts in excess of 3000 times the estrogen in a single birth control pill over the last 2 trimesters. I have two suggestions that can help to make the appropriate decision. Contact a Gender Therapist. Visit some support groups. Use the wiki's above to seek them out. My transition has been the best thing I ever did for myself and by dotted line. My family. They are still confused but are getting accustomed to the situation. And my life is the best it ever has been. No stress, no guilt. Dealing with bigot's is relatively easy especially since it is a single encounter, smile and walk on by. Living in a more accepting city such as Seattle is a big plus. I hope you make an informed decision and enjoy the rest of your life.
I most definitely do NOT want to be Transgender, i wish i didnt havee this disphoria i sometimes/most of the time feel, i wish i was either born a CIS girl, or just a normal guy and happy and settled in as a guy with my life with no disphoria at all
Quote from: Jessica on December 20, 2017, 04:17:48 PM
Hi Christy 🙋♀️ I have always considered myself a very logical person and I can't come to grips with the "why" as easily as the reality of reality. For me, a calm acceptance to the reality is to me a peaceful spot in the eye of a storm that I alone control. We create our world we live in to find balance on this seesaw we call life.
Om (this was deep), Jess 💁♀️
HUH.....
That was deep
Had another mini freak out this morning
My thought process went like this
Why wasnt i born female
I want to be female
I have to be female
I must be female
I need it
we'll why do i need it? what do i keep getting these feelings? why cant i just be ok with being a guy?
i look kinda feminine, but it makes me look like a freak
i sound kinda feminine, but i hate it, i should sound masculine?
if they made me look this way, feel this way talk this way, why wasnt i just born female?
Ive suppressed it for so long would even like doing female things, why did i feel the need to suppress it? why do i want to be isolated? alone? not deal with it? it feels wrong but it feels kinda right.....
How do i explain it to the psychologist/gender therapist im planning to see? ive been so disconnected from myself, am even sure? is this real? ....... if so then WHY? how do i explain it to mum? she didnt take me liking guys so well, or didnt believe it
Why does this feel so wrong, but feel like its the path i should take?
Being a guy sucks, hate being the man, dont want to be a husband or father... its just feels wrong to me
Ive tried to cope with it by using escapism ie watching copious amounts of TV, gaming, over eating (unfortunately) which has worked up until now but ive become slightly agoraphobic tbh
ive never let myself feel all that before since i first tried on girl clothes, and make up all those years ago, i really tried to disconnect from it, but the more i tried the more ive become disconnected from life in general .........
Quote from: Christy Lee on December 31, 2017, 07:45:00 PM
we'll why do i need it? what do i keep getting these feelings? why cant i just be ok with being a guy?
Those are questions many folks, myself included, spend copious amounts of time trying to find answers to. Satisfactory answers. I can only speak personally here, but for me, every time I would ask myself any of those, I would only come up with more questions.
I equate it to picking at a loose thread in a garment and slowly unraveling it, pulling at it more and more until I look at what I'm left with and all I see is a huge pile of loose threads. The answer I finally came up with which gave me peace was: "I need to start over and look at the garment." In other words, the only answer I ever came up with which stopped all the questioning and the threads of my mind unraveling was: "Because it's who I am. Inside. It's my sense of self."
I think other people will feel differently, and have their own perspective and answers to some, or all of those questions. Which is as it should be, I think. It's something you really just have to examine how you feel yourself.
What I will say is that again, speaking personally, I've found my mind to have two layers. The rational, analytical, obsessive, often annoying layer... and a deeper, intuitive, emotionally driven layer. I've learned to trust the latter more than the former. To listen to it more, and what it's trying to whisper to me over the ranting and screaming of the other.
Quotei look kinda feminine, but it makes me look like a freak
i sound kinda feminine, but i hate it, i should sound masculine?
Sweetie, the above links somewhat to the following:
Quote
if they made me look this way, feel this way talk this way, why wasnt i just born female?
If it's who you are, then you
were born female. Just not anatomically. I say "if" because that's ultimately something for you to find out on your own. But if so, then that's what transition can help with. To allow you to be more yourself.
Quote
Ive suppressed it for so long would even like doing female things, why did i feel the need to suppress it? why do i want to be isolated? alone? not deal with it? it feels wrong but it feels kinda right.....
Whether you'd like doing female things isn't as important as you think it is, Christy. There's no law which states that if you're a woman, you have to pursue activities seen as feminine or attributed to being undertaken by women. You enjoy what you enjoy. Sweetie, you aren't becoming someone else, you're becoming you. Finding out who that is on a core level. It doesn't have to, and probably won't be like a personality and attitude transplant.
There are a whole lot of reasons why you'd want to suppress it and not want to deal with it. Examining yourself is hard, Christy. Asking questions like the ones we do is a hard thing and deals with some very deep issues. Taking the path of least resistance is often preferable, and easier. But not necessarily right.
QuoteHow do i explain it to the psychologist/gender therapist im planning to see? ive been so disconnected from myself, am even sure? is this real? ....... if so then WHY? how do i explain it to mum? she didnt take me liking guys so well, or didnt believe it
You don't explain it, Christy. You just talk about how you're feeling. You talk to them like you've talked to us. They're people, hon. There to try and help you understand yourself better. Not judge you.
QuoteIve tried to cope with it by using escapism ie watching copious amounts of TV, gaming, over eating (unfortunately) which has worked up until now but ive become slightly agoraphobic tbh
ive never let myself feel all that before since i first tried on girl clothes, and make up all those years ago, i really tried to disconnect from it, but the more i tried the more ive become disconnected from life in general .........
Have a read around here, sweetie. You'd be surprised how common that is. You're not alone with this, okay?
*extra big hug*
Quote from: Sephirah on December 31, 2017, 08:21:43 PM
Those are questions many folks, myself included, spend copious amounts of time trying to find answers to. Satisfactory answers. I can only speak personally here, but for me, every time I would ask myself any of those, I would only come up with more questions.
I equate it to picking at a loose thread in a garment and slowly unraveling it, pulling at it more and more until I look at what I'm left with and all I see is a huge pile of loose threads. The answer I finally came up with which gave me peace was: "I need to start over and look at the garment." In other words, the only answer I ever came up with which stopped all the questioning and the threads of my mind unraveling was: "Because it's who I am. Inside. It's my sense of self."
Ive usually just had an outburst like, i wanna be female, or if i was female .. wouldnt happen wouldnt have to do..... or feel ..... why wasnt i just born female so i dont have to feel this crap, and then just like sort of push it under the bed again, tried not to think to deeply about it, kind of have been too afraid to think about it to deeply, trying to fight it, ignore it etc..... no Christopher your a boy, just be a boy.......... but i just dont feel like that.....
Quote from: Sephirah on December 31, 2017, 08:21:43 PM
If it's who you are, then you were born female. Just not anatomically. I say "if" because that's ultimately something for you to find out on your own. But if so, then that's what transition can help with. To allow you to be more yourself.
Sometimes i feel like YES, but then having tried so hard to be a boy all my life, its sort of been hard to accept doesnt feel real sometimes.....
Quote from: Sephirah on December 31, 2017, 08:21:43 PM
Whether you'd like doing female things isn't as important as you think it is, Christy. There's no law which states that if you're a woman, you have to pursue activities seen as feminine or attributed to being undertaken by women. You enjoy what you enjoy. Sweetie, you aren't becoming someone else, you're becoming you. Finding out who that is on a core level. It doesn't have to, and probably won't be like a personality and attitude transplant.
There are a whole lot of reasons why you'd want to suppress it and not want to deal with it. Examining yourself is hard, Christy. Asking questions like the ones we do is a hard thing and deals with some very deep issues. Taking the path of least resistance is often preferable, and easier. But not necessarily right.
I guess ive always equated to that in my mind, and thought your boy so dont let yourself do anything girly you dont want people to know, and i guess also what my meaning was more like how much have i suppressed? how different will be when i finally 100% accept all of me and embrace this side to me its kinda scary, being Asexual aswell ive also supressed any sort of sexual desires i might have,
i guess i felt them but never showed any intent with them if you know what i mean? again i went through a whole lot of questioning my sexuality, am i gay? i dont feel gay, i see how other gay men act and that just doesnt feel like me, am i bi then? i dont like girls really even tho ive tried to, i use to think if only... girl had the right part, if im a woman inside does that make me straight? if im a woman inside is that why liking girls feels wrong to me?
For me 11 years ago, when my dysphoria was at its worst, i had a sh!tty living situation, and i didnt feel free or safe to express myself in full 100%, didnt feel free to think about it.... to acknowledge it even, even tho as hard as i tried the feelings were still there... in the background
Quote from: Sephirah on December 31, 2017, 08:21:43 PM
You don't explain it, Christy. You just talk about how you're feeling. You talk to them like you've talked to us. They're people, hon. There to try and help you understand yourself better. Not judge you.
Have a read around here, sweetie. You'd be surprised how common that is. You're not alone with this, okay?
*extra big hug*
I did see a therapist (not a gender therapist) in 16, i briefly mentioned i had abit of dysphoria, but i wasnt feeling any really at the time so i sort of said i dont think thats me, however i talked with her about my sexuality, and how i want a husband etc i think im gay (again me trying not to deal with the fact that i might be trans) i think now if i were to talk to that therapist again, or now instead of then the story would be different, i was just too afraid to deal with that the time, having let fear run most of my life
Thank you, youve actually been a big help to me, in responding to you having to think very deeply about all of this, while im still like woah sh!t am i really trans? is this even real?, its helped me be a little more sure of myself
*hugs*
So today i thought about what it would mean to me, if mum accepted me as her daughter, and it just put a huge unforced smile on my face, felt soo good to think about it like that, which is something i havent thought about it like that before, just been so focused feeling ashamed of myself about the possibility of being trans that i never stopped to think like that but today i did, and it felt great actually, i hope she does
Quote from: Christy Lee on January 02, 2018, 04:55:38 PM
So today i thought about what it would mean to me, if mum accepted me as her daughter, and it just put a huge unforced smile on my face, felt soo good to think about it like that, which is something i havent thought about it like that before, just been so focused feeling ashamed of myself about the possibility of being trans that i never stopped to think like that but today i did, and it felt great actually, i hope she does
That word in bold is probably one of the most important in all this, Christy.
I know it can feel like a dam is breaking, when you allow yourself to actually feel. And it can be overwhelming at times. But you're doing great. I've been keeping track of your posts and your journey. I've never been a huge fan of telling someone what they should feel or who they are, I think it's way better if they find that out for themselves.
That's what you've been doing. Working through everything you've been feeling, and why, and what it all means to you. I'm really proud of you, you know. And... if I may say, you seem happier now. Allowing yourself to experience emotions without trying to suppress them. That can make a big difference to how others interact with you. I've always believed that "if you can't love yourself, how can anyone else love you?".
Keep going, sweetie. You're getting there. *giant hug*
Quote from: Christy Lee on January 01, 2018, 03:56:37 PM
Sometimes i feel like YES, but then having tried so hard to be a boy all my life, its sort of been hard to accept doesnt feel real sometimes.....
The thing is that cis boys don't have to try at all. Being a boy is effortless for them. If you had to
try to be a boy, and especially if you had to try
hard, it likely means that you weren't one. Which in turn means that you are likely trans.
It always bothered me growing up that the other kids acted like being a boy was totally natural for them while I had to work hard at it. Now, it makes sense, of course.
Quote from: Sephirah on January 02, 2018, 05:09:19 PM
That word in bold is probably one of the most important in all this, Christy.
I know it can feel like a dam is breaking, when you allow yourself to actually feel. And it can be overwhelming at times. But you're doing great. I've been keeping track of your posts and your journey. I've never been a huge fan of telling someone what they should feel or who they are, I think it's way better if they find that out for themselves.
That's what you've been doing. Working through everything you've been feeling, and why, and what it all means to you. I'm really proud of you, you know. And... if I may say, you seem happier now. Allowing yourself to experience emotions without trying to suppress them. That can make a big difference to how others interact with you. I've always believed that "if you can't love yourself, how can anyone else love you?".
Keep going, sweetie. You're getting there. *giant hug*
Thank you :)
Ive always felt like i hated being a guy so much, and always thought i want to be female, but never thought much more then that, if it wasnt for a couple of things over the past couple of months i doubt i still would have allowed myself to think about it, because my dysphoria wouldnt be screaming at me like it is now
sometimes i do feel happier, but sometimes its more like im just more connected to myself, i guess, idk... i still have those OMFG WTF are you on about, this cant be real, your making this up.... moments
ive always found that aswell, and ive hated myself for hating being a guy, for wanting to be female in the past, feeling these things, ive always felt the need to be isolated and alone, always trying to tell myself no your fine being lonely... its ok dont do anything about it.... just leave things as they are, but now it sort of seems like its at a point where i almost cant ignore it anymore
Quote from: KathyLauren on January 02, 2018, 05:09:38 PM
The thing is that cis boys don't have to try at all. Being a boy is effortless for them. If you had to try to be a boy, and especially if you had to try hard, it likely means that you weren't one. Which in turn means that you are likely trans.
It always bothered me growing up that the other kids acted like being a boy was totally natural for them while I had to work hard at it. Now, it makes sense, of course.
Yeah ive always wondered if normal CIS guys ever even just wonder what its like to be female ... i highly doubt it
I was ok as a boy, I mean, i didnt feel like the rest of the boys, but didnt really do much girly things like play with dolls it kinda felt weird to think about tho, but ive always hated standing up to pee, its just wrong to me... JUST NO, and then like whenever i would see other boys/guys say they were going to pee, and pee outside it would make me cringe, ive also never peed in a urinal before... eewwww, BUT i was ok, it wasnt until dating and other things like that came into play, i had a problem, i hated the very idea of being the man, never wanted to be the boyfriend/husband/father ive been Asexual ever since i worked that out
Upon very much reflection over the past month or so, I've come to realize that my existence was based on the needs, wants and expectations of others and never on myself because that would be selfish. This has helped me get things more in focus so far.
Hi Christy. Why wouldn't you go to a gender specialist and talk it over with a professional? Having a professional evaluation and diagnosis might be helpful for you to build resolve and come out to your mother and all other people in the world...
Generally, I don't think everyone needs a specialist, but in your case it seems like a good idea.
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Here's my train of thought...
1) your mother seems to be understanding and supportive person. Yet you sound like you need her permission and approval (either to be gay, or transgender).
2) you are attracted to guys, yet not actually having any sexual relationships with any. You want to be accepted as a female, yet not sure if you can actually do it.
3) I think, when you aren't sure - it's best not to overload your close ones with your uncertainty. Work it out with a specialist, and come out when ready and certain. You already know your mother will support you in the end.
4) when coming out - don't seek permission or demand to be accepted right away. Inform your mother of the situation, your decision and what changes will likely to happen to you in the near future. You can ask to be supported in your new gender (by using your new name and proper pronouns), but also - you may give your money your mother some time to understand you are serious about the transition and the changes are actually happening. Eventually, when the whole world accepts you as a female, your mother will accept you too (maybe much sooner, but don't expect her to accept it before she sees the changes in you with her own eyes).
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Quote from: Cali on January 03, 2018, 08:07:26 AM
Upon very much reflection over the past month or so, I've come to realize that my existence was based on the needs, wants and expectations of others and never on myself because that would be selfish. This has helped me get things more in focus so far.
I believe this is a big reason why i havent done anything, it does seem rather selfish on my part at times, to entertain it... like im letting people down or something
Quote from: elkie-t on January 03, 2018, 10:07:25 AM
Hi Christy. Why wouldn't you go to a gender specialist and talk it over with a professional? Having a professional evaluation and diagnosis might be helpful for you to build resolve and come out to your mother and all other people in the world...
Generally, I don't think everyone needs a specialist, but in your case it seems like a good idea.
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Fear has stopped me as ive said, but I have found a Gender Therapist, im going to make an appointment with her
Quote from: elkie-t on January 03, 2018, 11:28:17 AM
Here's my train of thought...
1) your mother seems to be understanding and supportive person. Yet you sound like you need her permission and approval (either to be gay, or transgender).
2) you are attracted to guys, yet not actually having any sexual relationships with any. You want to be accepted as a female, yet not sure if you can actually do it.
3) I think, when you aren't sure - it's best not to overload your close ones with your uncertainty. Work it out with a specialist, and come out when ready and certain. You already know your mother will support you in the end.
4) when coming out - don't seek permission or demand to be accepted right away. Inform your mother of the situation, your decision and what changes will likely to happen to you in the near future. You can ask to be supported in your new gender (by using your new name and proper pronouns), but also - you may give your money your mother some time to understand you are serious about the transition and the changes are actually happening. Eventually, when the whole world accepts you as a female, your mother will accept you too (maybe much sooner, but don't expect her to accept it before she sees the changes in you with her own eyes).
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She is and yes i do, i feel like im letting her down abit, and she isnt the easiest person to talk to about LGBT matters atleast ive always found that
yes
i kind of do, but theres always been that uncertainty that she wont........ which is why ive held back for so long i dont wanna lose her in my life
She knows im not the type of person to do things by half measures, or without knowing for sure 100%, but still ive given her some space on the whole subject of my sexuality, and now i dont know how to talk to her about it again which is 1 thing ill be talking with the therapist about
Quote from: Christy Lee on January 03, 2018, 03:32:25 PM
I believe this is a big reason why i havent done anything, it does seem rather selfish on my part at times, to entertain it... like im letting people down or something
I hear that a lot. And I don't agree with it one bit. We don't owe anyone the right to our life. To determine who, and how we should be. The thing is... these people you think you're letting down, they are themselves. They take for granted something we strive so hard for. To the point they don't even have to think about it. It's a non-issue. Everything they do in their lives comes from a place of knowing who they are and what they want. Something primal and basic about being human.
It
is selfish, Christy. And it should be. It's finding your
self. It's finding the one thing you can base the whole of your life and your interactions with everyone in it from. People who don't have to deal with this... they have that. Why shouldn't you? It's probably one of the most important things we can ever accept about ourselves because it's the foundation for everything else we ever do.
I would argue that you're letting them down more by allowing them to continue believing you're someone you're not. To base their image of you around that. To me it always felt not a whole lot different to saying you were someone else online, and allowing people to build their whole image of you around that. And then allowing them to keep believing that, even though you know it's not true.
Personally, I don't believe it's letting someone down to show them the real you. I believe it's better to base your relationship on a foundation of honesty. Of "This is
really who I am." That way there are no illusions. You aren't letting other people live a lie, when you don't live one yourself.
I understand what you're saying, sweetie, I really do. And I would be lying if I said I hadn't felt like that myself at times. But when all is said and done, your life is your own. When you place others' wants and expectations above anything else then you start to live their lives, instead of your own. And you have to ask yourself if that's really what you want.
That's something only you can decide for yourself.
*hugs*
Quote from: Sephirah on January 03, 2018, 04:02:08 PM
I hear that a lot. And I don't agree with it one bit. We don't owe anyone the right to our life. To determine who, and how we should be. The thing is... these people you think you're letting down, they are themselves. They take for granted something we strive so hard for. To the point they don't even have to think about it. It's a non-issue. Everything they do in their lives comes from a place of knowing who they are and what they want. Something primal and basic about being human.
It is selfish, Christy. And it should be. It's finding your self. It's finding the one thing you can base the whole of your life and your interactions with everyone in it from. People who don't have to deal with this... they have that. Why shouldn't you? It's probably one of the most important things we can ever accept about ourselves because it's the foundation for everything else we ever do.
I would argue that you're letting them down more by allowing them to continue believing you're someone you're not. To base their image of you around that. To me it always felt not a whole lot different to saying you were someone else online, and allowing people to build their whole image of you around that. And then allowing them to keep believing that, even though you know it's not true.
Personally, I don't believe it's letting someone down to show them the real you. I believe it's better to base your relationship on a foundation of honesty. Of "This is really who I am." That way there are no illusions. You aren't letting other people live a lie, when you don't live one yourself.
I understand what you're saying, sweetie, I really do. And I would be lying if I said I hadn't felt like that myself at times. But when all is said and done, your life is your own. When you place others' wants and expectations above anything else then you start to live their lives, instead of your own. And you have to ask yourself if that's really what you want.
That's something only you can decide for yourself.
*hugs*
Yeah ive always thought that, and ive always wondered why i was born this way, i would be a completely different person now if maybe i wasnt trans, and knew for sure oh yep im a CIS guy, i meant to marry a girl, settle down have kids, be the man, the husband, the father... etc that just never felt like me as hard as ive tried to make it so....
Again i feel like maybe i wouldnt be someone who has weight trouble, who still lives at home, who has no friends, who is unemployed and directionless in life, almost afraid to push the button on anything because it means i may have to deal wiwth this sh!t and have no more excuses, like as painful as my life as been other then being trans, and wanting to be female, i feel like that has helped me in not dealing with this issue, ive used it as an excuse not too actually and i know it, of all the sexuality questioning and all the gender questioning through all my painful years... it helped to have other more painful sh!t in my life so to not have to deal with this issue, and now life has settled down again for me atm, and im like woah i like boys? am i trans? really? i let the sh!t going on around me to the point of almost total disconnection, now im trying to pick up the pieces and i feel like this is a barrier in doing that also now, because it was like the 1 constant thing in my life through all that worse crap going on
Ive never really thought about that, i guess it was cus i was so busy just hating being a guy (and whats expected from being born as a male), and not letting myself think about femininity and what that means to me....
I have been doing that for along time now TBH, being so disconnect from myself, it was easier just to become that
*hugs*
Quote from: Christy Lee on January 04, 2018, 08:29:02 AM
Yeah ive always thought that, and ive always wondered why i was born this way, i would be a completely different person now if maybe i wasnt trans, and knew for sure oh yep im a CIS guy, i meant to marry a girl, settle down have kids, be the man, the husband, the father... etc that just never felt like me as hard as ive tried to make it so....
Maybe you would, Christy. Maybe we all would. It's one of those things I guess we all think about from time to time. The life we could have had, or wish we did have. Thinking about the spot in the forest with two paths, and we walked one of them. There's always that wondering what may have been down the other one.
But I tend to think of it like this - who you are is who you are. And that other path would have led to someone else. No more you than the vestiges of who you're trying to break free from now. I think there comes a time where the best thing to do is embrace the life we have, and who we are. To live in the moment, you know? Not the past, and maybe not even the future. To make the most of the spark of sentience inside us.
Quote
Again i feel like maybe i wouldnt be someone who has weight trouble, who still lives at home, who has no friends, who is unemployed and directionless in life, almost afraid to push the button on anything because it means i may have to deal wiwth this sh!t and have no more excuses, like as painful as my life as been other then being trans, and wanting to be female, i feel like that has helped me in not dealing with this issue, ive used it as an excuse not too actually and i know it, of all the sexuality questioning and all the gender questioning through all my painful years... it helped to have other more painful sh!t in my life so to not have to deal with this issue, and now life has settled down again for me atm, and im like woah i like boys? am i trans? really? i let the sh!t going on around me to the point of almost total disconnection, now im trying to pick up the pieces and i feel like this is a barrier in doing that also now, because it was like the 1 constant thing in my life through all that worse crap going on
Ive never really thought about that, i guess it was cus i was so busy just hating being a guy (and whats expected from being born as a male), and not letting myself think about femininity and what that means to me....
I have been doing that for along time now TBH, being so disconnect from myself, it was easier just to become that
*hugs*
Sweetie, you have the rest of your life ahead of you. That's a long time to make things how you want them to be. I know how it feels to not care about your life. For a long time I was the same. I didn't care what happened to me because it always felt like it was happening to someone else. So nothing mattered. I had no ambition to do anything because it all felt fake. That everything I did was contributing to a life which never felt like mine. It felt like every experience and every interaction was filtered through something, and skewed, so I never really felt any connection to it. And worse, it felt like actually moving forward was reinforcing a life I didn't want.
Trust me I know how you feel, Christy. How it feels to be totally disconnected from yourself. It's like... you have a toothache so bad that you inject yourself with Novocain to numb the pain, but it numbs everything. It numbs your soul. And you forget how to feel, how to live. You know it's not right, but you're so scared of the pain that you never want the numbness to wear off.
It doesn't have to be like that, sweetie. And I think you're starting to see that. It's not too late to have the life you want, and the life you deserve. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that trying to escape a life you don't want to live isn't the best way. You really just have to let go of it. Let go of the pain, and the image of a person you never wanted to live up to. Let go of the "what if's" and the "could have's" and just acknowledge yourself. Accept yourself. Whoever that is. In doing that you can focus on the life you want. And start to change things for the better. For you and those around you.
You can do it, Christy. I believe in you. :)
Christie, you can drive yourself crazy with the "What if?" game. My mother used to say, "If my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a bus," meaning that you can "what if" all kinds of crazy stuff that has nothing to do with reality. It makes no more sense to "what if" about not being trans than it does to "what if" about having wheels and being a bus.
You are who you are today. Your history is what it is, but you are not tied to it. Start where you are and build on that. As soon as I stopped denying that I was trans and started actively doing something about it, my life got 1000% better.
Quote from: Sephirah on January 05, 2018, 04:12:46 PM
Sweetie, you have the rest of your life ahead of you. That's a long time to make things how you want them to be. I know how it feels to not care about your life. For a long time I was the same. I didn't care what happened to me because it always felt like it was happening to someone else. So nothing mattered. I had no ambition to do anything because it all felt fake. That everything I did was contributing to a life which never felt like mine. It felt like every experience and every interaction was filtered through something, and skewed, so I never really felt any connection to it. And worse, it felt like actually moving forward was reinforcing a life I didn't want.
Trust me I know how you feel, Christy. How it feels to be totally disconnected from yourself. It's like... you have a toothache so bad that you inject yourself with Novocain to numb the pain, but it numbs everything. It numbs your soul. And you forget how to feel, how to live. You know it's not right, but you're so scared of the pain that you never want the numbness to wear off.
It feels that way for me right now, like anything i do is going to affect Christopher (the name i was born with), add more to his persona... i dont want that, it feels wrong, anything i think about when it comes to my future as Christopher just feels wrong, the only thing that feels right is becoming Christy, but thats something i have fought against my entire life, and im starting to wish that i didnt do that, and just went with it
I've always liked to think of it more like a war, between my male side and my female side, that is why even my skin just feels wrong, up until now my male voice has been the stronger, but im starting to realize, if i do nothing... nothing will change
Quote from: Sephirah on January 05, 2018, 04:12:46 PM
Maybe you would, Christy. Maybe we all would. It's one of those things I guess we all think about from time to time. The life we could have had, or wish we did have. Thinking about the spot in the forest with two paths, and we walked one of them. There's always that wondering what may have been down the other one.
But I tend to think of it like this - who you are is who you are. And that other path would have led to someone else. No more you than the vestiges of who you're trying to break free from now. I think there comes a time where the best thing to do is embrace the life we have, and who we are. To live in the moment, you know? Not the past, and maybe not even the future. To make the most of the spark of sentience inside us.
People are always telling me to live in the moment mum especially she knows that i dwell on the Past/Future, she doesnt know why, and thats what i think when she tells me, you dont know why id rather live in the past or think only about the future rather than have anything to do with the present
Quote from: Sephirah on January 05, 2018, 04:12:46 PM
It doesn't have to be like that, sweetie. And I think you're starting to see that. It's not too late to have the life you want, and the life you deserve. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that trying to escape a life you don't want to live isn't the best way. You really just have to let go of it. Let go of the pain, and the image of a person you never wanted to live up to. Let go of the "what if's" and the "could have's" and just acknowledge yourself. Accept yourself. Whoever that is. In doing that you can focus on the life you want. And start to change things for the better. For you and those around you.
You can do it, Christy. I believe in you. :)
I am working on it, its hard having had the urge to hide myself for so long,
Quote from: KathyLauren on January 05, 2018, 04:58:51 PM
Christie, you can drive yourself crazy with the "What if?" game. My mother used to say, "If my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a bus," meaning that you can "what if" all kinds of crazy stuff that has nothing to do with reality. It makes no more sense to "what if" about not being trans than it does to "what if" about having wheels and being a bus.
You are who you are today. Your history is what it is, but you are not tied to it. Start where you are and build on that. As soon as I stopped denying that I was trans and started actively doing something about it, my life got 1000% better.
I like that saying
AND I have driven myself crazy
I did something yesterday, it was soo weird for me
1) firstly, im Agnostic so ive never really prayed much in my life
2) Secondly, ive never felt Dysphoria this deeply before
But yesterday, i sent a prayer into the universe, i stood infront of a mirror, and i prayed that i would let myself become a woman, or as 100% female as i can become, which i thought about GCS, FFS, HRT, it something i never thought that deeply about, its always just been I Want to be FEMALE, but to actually stand infront of a mirror and pray for it? thats ive just never done that..... not to acknowledge it that much, and just think about it as much as that, i also vowed to try and let go of my masculinity and manhood as much as possible i thought ive been rejecting her for so long, maybe i should start rejecting him?
I think this time i may actually do it... im going to start seeing a gender therapist sooon
I think ive always been afraid to explore it, because of how obsessed i knew i would become about it atm im pretty obsessed with it anyway, lately ive been looking at videos of Trans Woman who are going through HRT, or have had FFS/GCS and the more i see it i think maybe the more i want it, there is still doubt but i feel less uncertain
Warning long post ahead, sorry
I wrote a letter to myself
Face Dysphoria (ie not feminine enough)
Neck Dysphoria " "
Hair Dysphoria " "
Voice Dyshporia " "
Touch
Sexuality Difficulties, ie The fact that it doesnt seem right as a man, ie having a penis, making it hard to determine my sexuality properly
whats expected of being a man, ie i never wanted to be a husband or father, the man in general
ive always felt like maybe i should have been born female and maybe the universe misgendered me
ive always tried to deny these feelings, ignore them, hide away from them but still they persist, as much as ive tried they just come back its always "i want to be female" ive tried so hard not to feel this way, ive tried ignoring it, ive tried hiding from it ive just tried so hard not to feel this way whatever i do it doesnt seem to make any difference, eventually it comes back, and just wont go a way
Its time to admit what i feel soo deeply inside, that i am female, on the inside i was born female, ive never felt anything more so deeply in my life, except for the fear of that ofcourse
The only time i dont think about it is when lots of bad stuff is going on around me, but in away liked that, because it meant i didnt because it meant that i didnt have to deal with these feelings of gender dysphoria yes it meant not living my life, but i hated being a boy soo much that id rather not live it, (nothing suicidal, just gave up)
I want to be female so bad, so bad, sooo badd, ever since i was a teenager, i dont want to be transgender, but i want to be a girl more
what has stopped me
Myself, my fears
shame
it feels stupid to feel this way, it also feels like i shouldnt feel this way
the no you cant do that you wont like it, you still wont be happy, voice of uncertainty
Toxicitiy in the house i grew up in
Afraid of Toxic people i lived with would conspire to get me kicked out off home because they wont accept it or try to talk me out of it
Am i making this up? is this for real?
losing loved ones (them dying)
dissapointing you, (mum, and maybe myself idk)
seeing the operations and what's involved in becoming female
not feeling trans enough
not wanting to look trans ie wanting to look as female as possible
too vanilla, ie Asexual
dont get too close to anyone, what if they find out your trans?
i hate being misgendered, and being looked at like a freak, even in boy mode its like that for me
Your not a cross dresser, even tho dressing as female feels great, but also a little wrong
Confusion about Sexuality
Sometimes when times are tough, it feels ok to be a guy, sometimes
i thought i was gay for awhile.... im not gay, im trans i now realize,
Sometimes i like men, sometimes i like women, but i dont really feel Bisexual, maybe im pansexual? no your just a normal guy STOP IT
These are the sort of thoughts that have popped into my head reguarding the possibility of me being trans since i was a teenager, just alot of stuff that ive kept inside it felt good to write down in a letter to myself
Christy, that's a huge step you've taken. You should be really proud of yourself, sweetie.
Aside from the fact that it's often better to give things the light of day, just to stop them festering inside us, it also lets us examine and question them. Understanding the way we feel is the first step in dealing with it.
Keep going, hon. You're doing really great. Looking at yourself can be hard. Very hard.
I believe in you.
*extra big hug*
Quote from: Sephirah on January 13, 2018, 05:51:10 PM
Christy, that's a huge step you've taken. You should be really proud of yourself, sweetie.
Aside from the fact that it's often better to give things the light of day, just to stop them festering inside us, it also lets us examine and question them. Understanding the way we feel is the first step in dealing with it.
Keep going, hon. You're doing really great. Looking at yourself can be hard. Very hard.
I believe in you.
*extra big hug*
Thank you :), it still feels surreal like im still trying to fight against it sometimes
So over the last couple of days, ive been saying out loud just to myself alot of things ive been thinking about for years, when it comes to being Transgender and how i want to be a girl
i said out loud
I want to be girl
im transgender
i can try to hide it, i can try to deny it, i can try to fight it but still it all comes back to... i want to be a girl, i just cant escape from that, Through all the bad years its thoughts of wanting to be female in my head, living with narcissistic woman (family) i still think i want to be a girl, planning for the future now its i want to be a girl
If being Transgender was more socially acceptable, and the procedures were easier ie not so terrifying to me, i would have done it years ago
IM Transgender
Now last year, in trying not to think about it like that, i thought i was gay and tried to come out to myself as gay but it felt kind of forced... and didnt feel quite right and i think when i came out to mum about this prior to it she didnt believe me, and said im not gay i didnt want to admit it cus i was kinda scared about being trans
But this year in 2018 to admit to myself outloud several times that im trans.... it didnt feel forced, it just felt right i guess.. idk still abit awkward but my words didnt feel forced which felt much better then when i tried to come out to myself as gay (ie liking men)
As a result of that ive been thinking about maybe been thinking what if i could find a girl who would accept me as trans? how would that go? ive always sort of felt like ive closed myself of from that because when i think about being embraced by a guy in a girly manner it makes me feel so feminine and ive always liked that which i think is why ive been so closed off from the prospect of dating woman....
Quote from: Cali on January 17, 2018, 08:24:24 PM
Totally understand how you're feeling. I'm not turned on by guys, or at least not so far. Part of me thinks I'm nuts in that I prefer woman yet am one?
And as far as finding someone special after I go through this, who knows.
I am sometimes turned on by guys, but havent liked the idea of being with a woman (dyshporia....), but sometimes the idea of being with a guy doesnt feel right either... its been very confusing trying to work things out....
hence why i have been Asexual
I actually really havent even thought much about dating or finding special someone, whenever i try to do that either dysphoria kicks or loneliness kicks and i feel like it wont happen for me until i do this, sometimes i feel like it wont happen for me even if i do this........
I have been thinking about alot since this last post
- how i have depersonalized, derealized my gender dysphoria, because i grew up in a somewhat hostile household, ie Narcissists, my father also made things difficult i think with this, this is also why i find it hard to come out to my mother, and maybe i feel like i need her approval or something and also move foward
- trying to get more use to the idea that feeling like a woman, or not feeling like like a guy/not wanting to be a guy means that i am transgender woman, and i have wasted so much time fighting against it since i was a teenager, but again it was never really a safe time for me
- Trans Woman are woman, something i guess i was trying not to understand, because of internalized Transphobia and shame of myself always feeling more like a woman then a man
- ive been watching videos of Trans Woman youtubers like Corey Bilous, Stef Sanjatti, Jae Noel etc.... which has also been kinda helpful
- ive been thinking about my hair alot, something ive never cared about before but i guess ive been trying to make it look more feminine,
ive been casually thinking about fashion a little bit, which is something i never cared for when it came to mens clothing
- really considering starting transitioning fairly soon, ive also been thinking about what my transition thread would be called LOLLLL, i feel very strongly about The Christy Diaries
- ive been considering dropping or changing my middle name it has always felt right but ive never actually thought about coming out, and living authentically, the more i think about that the less my middle name makes sense i guess idk
- Thinking how last year i gave up on life, and now that i know what that feels like, i want to try really living my life as Authentically as i can? but its almost like idk how, can i handle all that is required? i just know i cant do what im doing now anymore
its been a very emotional couple of weeks, but i do feel like im really starting to accept myself as a woman, i still find it very scary to transition and that may just be the one thing stopping me now? idk
Being scare or anxious is part of the adventure.
Quote from: Christy Lee on February 18, 2018, 06:51:14 PM
- really considering starting transitioning fairly soon, ive also been thinking about what my transition thread would be called LOLLLL, i feel very strongly about The Christy Diaries
The Christy Chronicles might be better. ;)
Sweetie, no one knows
how to live. All any of us know is that we do. In whatever way we feel is right. We do what we need to do to get through. To try and be happy. It's a feeling more than a thought. Wisdom more than knowledge.
Can you handle it? Yes, I believe you can. I believe in you. :) *big hugs*