Just got the call I've been waiting for. For all my posts where I've parroted the advice of those of you that know better than I, and how seeing seeing a gender therapist is a highly recommended step in obtaining help for our specific needs in our journeys... Why is it I am getting such butterflies in my tummy now that it is my turn? I was already becoming worried over my daughter returning from out of state and my plans to go visit for that "talk" with her and her husband. But that just got preempted.
Monday morning it happens. That's only a weekend away. I can't even describe what I am now feeling right now. I can give you a hint though. It isn't joy.
Jeanette
Relax! You'll be fine! Talking to a gender therapist is one of the best things about transition. You get to talk about your favourite subject (yourself :) ) without all the pretence that you have to use with others.
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 10, 2017, 12:45:20 PM
[appointment with gender therapist is Monday]
I can't even describe what I am now feeling right now. I can give you a hint though. It isn't joy.
Let me guess: terror?
I don't know enough about you to say terror of what, but I can think of some things that might make sense:
* Fear that you'll find out things about yourself that you don't want to know?
* Fear that they'll say you aren't really trans? Or convince you that you aren't?
* Fear that this means it's going to be really real?
I think most of us are scared at various steps because we are making big changes and it could all be a big mistake -- or so we fear. And we won't know the outcomes until we actually make those big, irrevocable steps.
Hope this isn't completely off-base, or if it is, you can just ignore it.
Jeanette,
Take a deep breath and chill out. You're presenting, and you're on HRT. I fail to see how a gender therapist could have any doubts as to the nature of your condition. This person is there to help you out, not act as some sort of inquisition. (nobody expects the gender inquisition!)
I was scared to death going into mine because I was afraid to admit to myself what I was after running for so long. That talk was quite simply life changing. For you it is likely to be mostly a procedural kind of deal since you're at the point of accepting yourself already, but it is certain to be helpful and relieving for you as well.
Quote from: Asche on March 10, 2017, 12:54:45 PM
* Fear that you'll find out things about yourself that you don't want to know?
* Fear that they'll say you aren't really trans? Or convince you that you aren't?
* Fear that this means it's going to be really real?
I think most of us are scared at various steps because we are making big changes and it could all be a big mistake -- or so we fear. And we won't know the outcomes until we actually make those big, irrevocable steps.
Hope this isn't completely off-base, or if it is, you can just ignore it.
Hi Asche
I don't think it qualifies as terror. But it is definitely apprehension and fear.
I also do not think it is learning more about me
There is some aspect of " am I really trans " for sure but not so much.
Fear that this means it's going to be really real? This one is a FOR SURE. Each and every step has has filled me with apprehension and makes it more real. Each step feels as you say "irrevocable" They haven't made it any easier.
When I started HRT, I felt I could do it and stop if I decided it wasn't right for me, I haven't stopped and I am running out of that grace period where it wasn't irrevocable. I haven't stopped, yet. But I still have those nagging doubts. With each doctor visit I delve deeper into belonging here, really belonging. I think I fear that being true.
I'm not sure that makes any sense.
Jeanette
Heck I'm even crying about it now. Dang hormones.
I'm still trying to get my appointment, I was terrified the first time and the second time I called, terrified taking to her when she called back, terrified to go to the transgender support group she invited me to, and terrified on my third call asking for an appointment (still waiting for a call back). I have no doubt in my mind that I'll be happier on HRT with a therapist guiding a transition for me, that isn't to say I don't have doubts though, I'm full of doubts, but I actually can't even imagine being as miserable of a girl as I am a man.
There's only one good reason to transition, you internally identify with the opposite gender.
There's seemingly a million reasons not to transition. Work, friends, family, society, infertility being the worst ones, but what is having any of those things if you can't be yourself?
Aw Jeanette, you got me going now and I haven't started hormones yet.
Remember it's your life, only you can choose what's best for you. The therapist is just there to help untangle the yarn ball and hopefully clear the way for some positive choices in the future, nothing more.
I had exactly the same apprehension when I was first referred to the gender clinic. I even said to my therapist at the time (non gender) that "this is really happening isn't it?" She smiled and said "yes, if you want it to". I didn't know whether to cry, laugh or fart. My stomach churned like maelstrom for the next week. ;D
Peace and wisdom for the future,
Shy
Thank you all for the replies and encouragement.
Shy - You'll get your HRT. You are doing it the right way and it takes a bit longer.
Danielle - I do understand that fear. Didn't you read this post? Lol just kidding.
I'm feeling a little better. I don't know why I had this panic attack. I know what to expect from this therapy, I think. It's is a good thing for me to be going to see a gender therapist. A gender therapist can help me with my issues and help me deal with them. A gender therapist can help me decide on a plan to for what to do next.
All good and I think valid points. Then why do I feel apprehension about going to see him?
I know I shouldn't but it is there. I guess it doesn't really matter because I made the appointment and I have committed to being there, ergo I will be there
Jeanette
Wishing you well Jeanette!
I can relate as I did email a gender clinic in the UK to enquire about starting therapy, I couldn't even open their reply as I was just so anxious and scared and then when I did read their email telling me how it works there I just got so overwhelmed and scared I never emailed back.
You'll be fine!
J2J.
Thank you all.
I think it was just a minor panic attack. I never used to be this nervous about things and I've never been a worrier. But here I am fretting like a school girl before a date. I'll be okay. Once I get there and actually meet with him I'll be fine. I have the whole weekend to get there. lol
Hugs,
Jeanette
C'mon Girl you got this and you will be splendid
Just be yourself...Don't be afraid, I am sure you will get a good one and if you don't then I am sure you have the maturity to get what you want and move on with a minimum of fuss. I know how difficult these last 24 hours and everyone told me not to worry before you know it you will be living fulltime on HRT and planning for SRS..yeah sure I said...nothing ever works out that smoothly for me...oh wait a minute, it just did. This is going to work out for you... have a bit of faith in yourself
Hugs
Liz
Thanks for the pep talk Liz.
I'm still really impressed about what you've done.
I'm telling myself, "This too shall pass"
Hugs,
Jeanette
It's just another step in the journey. We've all been there.
Pro tip: Be sure to bring a box of tissues (for all the tears you'll be crying). Just kidding. He's a gender therapist. He'll definitely have tissues.
You wait till I post my old man pictures along side my current one...save yourself the wait just go to the dictionary and look up tragic to see my first ones....ha ha
Quote from: Jane Emily on March 10, 2017, 11:50:18 PM
It's just another step in the journey. We've all been there.
Pro tip: Be sure to bring a box of tissues (for all the tears you'll be crying). Just kidding. He's a gender therapist. He'll definitely have tissues.
Hi Jane,
Thank you.
You are so right this is just another step in my journey. And I know everyone has been there. But this time it's me having to take that step. And like each of the few others I've taken, I get hit with that queasy feeling in my tummy and my mind want to scream at me "WHAT THE (expletive deleted) ARE YOU DOING? Hence the topic I chose... Here I go again. I panic and want to stop what I am doing before it's too late and run away.
But in the morning I'll put my HRT meds in my mouth and continue just like I did this morning and the morning before that and the one before that.
You made me laugh out loud with your tissue advice. Yes, I'm sure you are right that he will have tissues available.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Totally get having a bit of nerves before but absolutely the right thing to be doing, and its going to be so good for you too. No worries, you got this big sis <3 . I'm so sure you'll feel absolutely amazing after you've been!
Jeannette,
I have no great wisdom to give that will make this less scary. Everyone on this site knows fear. You will handle it. You will come out of your session knowing more. You will feel better. You will battle the enemy, fear, and you will have kicked its butt. Take the pressure off by knowing there is no trans test involved. This thing is not letting go of you. If it was you wouldn't be on this site rearranging the furniture as you do. You are not silly, crazy or deluded. As I look back, I have done so many things I thought impossible. You are no different. You will be amazed at what you are capable of. Go Girl!
Moni
It's pretty scary the first time since for many of us it is the first time these words are verbalized to another human face to face. But after it's over you will feel a flood of relief and maybe euphoria as you no longer are in deathly suppression.
While discussing these thing in forums is a great help it's a whole other thing with a live human and spoken words.
You will be very happy afterwords. After my first therapy appointment, and I was terrified going in, I felt that the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.
Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote
Floof and Moni,
Thank you, thank you very much. You both are right in what you say. I'm fine now, well, fine until I have to go out the door for the appointment, I am. But I will go and see what this guy has to say. I'll go and see what he can do for me. I'm not laying down on no couch for him though, No Way!. Lol
Floof I like "Reisen er lang, hard og full av farer;vær modig mine brødre og søstre" from you posts.
I'm fine, (anyone know the AA definition?)
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: Deborah on March 11, 2017, 09:50:42 AM
While discussing these thing in forums is a great help it's a whole other thing with a live human and spoken words.
You will be very happy afterwords. I felt that the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.
Thank you For your words of encouragement, Deborah. I absolutely agree with what you said about the difference between posting here in the forums and talking with a live body. Here I can be silly and lighthearted. yes, sometimes the serious stuff has to come out but it is different than having to bare my sole to a professional. ( Good thing I don't believe in those)
I'm not sure I'm happy with my growing list of professionals that are grouped under the heading of "Mental Health". Someone could get the idea that I'm nuts. LOL
Hugs Moni and thanks,
Jeanette
It's another door kicked in, Jeannette. In the new room are more doors. Every one you open is like a breath of fresh air and another monkey off your back. Keep going. You won't regret it, regardless of where you land.
Quote from: jentay1367 on March 11, 2017, 10:53:01 AM
It's another door kicked in, Jeannette. In the new room are more doors. Every one you open is like a breath of fresh air and another monkey off your back. Keep going. You won't regret it, regardless of where you land.
Oh Great, more doors :( Did you not understand that each one is a object of dread for me? But you are right, Jen, each one conquered is a victory and a refreshing step down this uncertain road I trod. It is folks like you and everyone here that calm my panic and give me the desire to take that step though it tends to scare me.
Thank you, Jen.
This step is going to be a piece of cake compared to the next one I will probably be taking. That one really has me fearful. My daughter is returning from being away from her home for almost 2 months. I will let her settle in the arrange to go visit. If I can do it she and her husband will be the first of my family and friends I will come out to.
Just thinking about that gives me the willies. You can bet this topic will be talked about Monday...
Well, that will be the next ordeal. Let me get past this one first.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 11, 2017, 09:52:31 AM
Floof I like "Reisen er lang, hard og full av farer;vær modig mine brødre og søstre" from you posts.
Glad you do, do you know some Norwegian? My great grandad always said that when he was taking his boats out, I remember it from coming along with him when I was a kid.. His few words of encouragement I suppose :) , they are my strongest memory of him. Just the short trips ofc, they didn't hit the waves of the North Sea with 5-year-olds on board!
Sorry for nostaliga-tripping.. Good luck with your apointment hun <3
Quote from: Floof on March 11, 2017, 02:21:45 PM
Glad you do, do you know some Norwegian? My great grandad always said that when he was taking his boats out, I remember it from coming along with him when I was a kid.. His few words of encouragement I suppose :) , they are my strongest memory of him. Just the short trips ofc, they didn't hit the waves of the North Sea with 5-year-olds on board!
Sorry for nostaliga-tripping.. Good luck with your apointment hun <3
No I do not know Norwegian, sorry. I do know google and your saying caught my eye. I am a curious sort and look up a lot of things I do not understand. (How do you think I found this wonderful place?)
No apologies needed for taking a trip down memory lane, Floof, none at all.
And thank you.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Thanks to the time change for daylight savings time it is 4:00AM. 29 hours before the appointment and I'm up on the computer checking and replying to unread posts. I was in bed listening to my audio book so I could keep the squirrels away while I fall asleep. No dice. The squirrels were making too much noise tonight. I keep having to replay parts of the story because the words I was listening to were not coming from the book. Yup, it was those dang squirrels talking to me. No fear, nor panic, they were just talking over what I should do for and at the appointment. or what I should say, or wear, or ask, or, or, or..... you get the picture. Funny they haven't said anything about what he might ask, or say, or do.
As I said no panic, no fear just noisy squirrels.
I don't like squirrels much.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 12, 2017, 06:13:19 AM
Thanks to the time change for daylight savings time it is 4:00AM. 29 hours before the appointment and I'm up on the computer checking and replying to unread posts. I was in bed listening to my audio book so I could keep the squirrels away while I fall asleep. No dice. The squirrels were making too much noise tonight. I keep having to replay parts of the story because the words I was listening to were no coming from the book. Yup, it was those dang squirrels talking to me. No fear, nor panic they were just talking over what I should do for and at the appointment. or what I should say, or wear, or ask, or, or, or..... you get the picture. Funny they haven't said anything about what he might ask, or say, or do.
As I said no panic, no fear just noisy squirrels.
I don't like squirrels much.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Oh my dear Jeanette,
I'm sitting in bed unable to sleep worried about my throat operation, I've got my earphones in and listening to Pink Floyd.
I'm reading your post and smiling. Do you know what my first session was like?
"Hello my name is X, what name would you like me to use for you?" 'Cindy' (with enough tremors to cause a landslide)
"Thank you and welcome. Just relax and tell me about yourself."
The rest I would have to tel you by PM but it was lovely.
Now I'm trying to think about meeting my throat surgeon this coming Tuesday and not trying to panic.
Want to hold hands?
"Don't panic Mr Mannering Don't Panic"
The mind is marvel...when it does stuff like wake you in the early morning so it can "discuss" the merits of wether I wear something femme or do I go as my miserable self...so he can see just how miserable I am...I wouldn't mind wearing that nice dress I bought the other day...don't want to push it though...might come off a bit needy...better still how about....and on it goes until you can't stand it anymore. Sounds a bit like my last 24 hrs before see my Psych
My experience was I sat down he smiled I smiled...silence..."how can I help you today"...then I blurted my entire life story in every minute detail run together in one sentence, something like IgrewupinasmallcountrytownandIhavealawysfeltthatIwasborndiferentlyadnhavespentmyentirelifewantingtobea girl, so who do I see about the HRT?...he just smiled at me and said "Ok" and away we went from there.
You will be great
Liz
Liz,
Yes, you've got the idea. Squirrels, just dang squirrels. Those pesky squirrels have always been a nuisance on any any every subject. They want to be heard. That is why I took to listening to my audio books in bed. If I listen to it then those dang squirrels don't keep me up. It usually works, but sometime they are noisier and more persistent like tonight..errr this morning. But yeah Liz, you got it.
Cindy,
I would willing hold your hand if I could. Cancer is such a frightful nasty disease. I feel I know some of what you are going through. I swear the docs were supplementing their incomes by selling parts of me on ebay. Yes, I am missing a few parts due to this damn thing too. But I cannot imagine what you are going through as you face losing your voice. It may sound awful but I am glad you made the choice you have. By doing so you get to live longer and as you say you could even come out of it all cured. A voice would be a small sacrifice in that case.
I also know that hope of a cure as I went for it too. I was given the choice of living a few months longer or a very tough treatment that had only about 28% chance of helping me at all. It also offers the only chance of a cure for masticated kidney cancer at a rate of less that 5% I took toxic in hospital treatments under ICU care for about 5 weeks. Toxic enough to kill a person. I was lucky in that they didn't have to resuscitate me like the two patients before me that year.
There is hope, Cindy, but you have to fight for it and I am glad that you are.
Prayers be with you.
Jeanette
Hon,
I'm here for you.
I'm fine.
Cindy
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 10, 2017, 01:23:08 PM
I don't think it qualifies as terror. But it is definitely apprehension and fear.
I also do not think it is learning more about me
There is some aspect of " am I really trans " for sure but not so much.
Maybe I can offer some timely help. I don't think there is anyone on this forum - or any trans forum - who has been more self-doubting of themselves that they're 'trans enough' than me. I've spent the pats 12 months, having the doubts the pros, the cons, the certainty and then the uncertainty, sloshing around my head 24/7. Literally 24/7. My situation has been compounded by the fact I'm successful being a guy and am not self-loathing of my genitals or body. Not for me the cliched
'I've always known I was a little boy that I was really a girl and I only wanted to play with girl's toys and I'm really effeminate anyway and I fancy men' and that only made me feel even more of a fraud in looking down the transition route. My feeling is that trans is a spectrum. At the 90+% end of the scale are those who fit the cliche of the girl trapped in a boy's body and I assessed myself at 60-70% so quite a margin for error.
Long story short, I booked a private consultation with the country's leading gender specialist (it was a 24-48 month wait if I wanted it free on the NHS). Whatever he said, if I wanted to push on with transition I would via self-med but his opinion really mattered (as was the help and assistance that would follow) being the numero uno psych n' all. This meeting was 7 days ago. I had no idea what he was going to ask but - perhaps suicidally - decided against giving stock answers to make me seem so clearly trans - this was about being true to myself, not fooling others to believe a narrative of my own choosing. I was brutally honest - saying how I don't hate my male self, no genital dysphoria, was happy being a guy who cross-dressed etc - and despite the fact that most girls, even those who are deemed 'more trans' than me, don't get a GD diagnosis on first visit I walked out with a medical diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria and the doctor's full support for the next stage of my transition. So so much for not being 'trans enough'!
I don't know you, I don't know you're trans but I do know that if I got the GD diagnosis and the full support of docs and endos then you more than likely will too. If you want it.
It's probably not totally revelationary to you but it may help confirm how you're feeling.
http://born.uk.com/tell-youre-trans/ (http://born.uk.com/tell-youre-trans/)
Quote from: vicki_sixx on March 12, 2017, 08:58:34 AM
My situation has been compounded by the fact I'm successful being a guy and am not self-loathing of my genitals or body. Not for me the cliched 'I've always known I was a little boy that I was really a girl and I only wanted to play with girl's toys and I'm really effeminate anyway and I fancy men' and that only made me feel even more of a fraud in looking down the transition route.
. I had no idea what he was going to ask but - perhaps suicidally - decided against giving stock answers to make me seem so clearly trans - this was about being true to myself, not fooling others to believe a narrative of my own choosing. I was brutally honest -
I walked out with a medical diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria and the doctor's full support for the next stage of my transition. So so much for not being 'trans enough'!
I don't know you, I don't know you're trans but I do know that if I got the GD diagnosis and the full support of docs and endos then you more than likely will too. If you want it.
Thank you Vicki.
The first two parts I copied above, of what you said really resonated with me as I could have written them myself. I will admit to envy of the pretty clothes my sisters got to wear though. And I usually felt somewhat out of place among the guys. I much preferred the company of girls when I was allowed to join them.
I also believe it is better to be honest as I can. I'm the one who requested the therapy and how can I be helped if I am not telling them about myself truthfully?
As for the diagnosis of gender dysphoria, the psychiatrist who did my mental health intake assessment already put that in my record and referred me to gender therapy for specialized attention as she felt I was already beyond what she had experience with. That's how I got to this point. I am hopeful he will arrive at the same conclusion and help me with the issues I have about it. I guess I'll find that out tomorrow.
And lastly the professionals I have come out to (primary doc, my Oncologist, and the psychiatrist) have all been great at giving me support about this thing.
The best support however is the good people here. They let me worry, they let me be silly, they listen to my minor panic attacks like this one, and they have taken me in and made me part of the family. It helps, it really does.
Thanks again Vicki for your help.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 12, 2017, 07:21:14 AM
Liz,
Yes, you've go the idea. Squirrels, just dang squirrels. Those pesky squirrels have always been a nuisance on any any every subject. They want to be heard. That is why I took to listening to my audio books in bed. If I listen to it then those dang squirrels don't keep me up. It usually works but sometime they are noisier and more persistent like tonight..errr this morning. But yeah Liz, you got it.
Have you been listening to the "Squirrel Cage"? There is a passage Cindi (used to post here last year) wrote about Dysphoria and she describes the way the "Squirrel" inside her head would run. It sounded like your description. I loved that passage of the book and I have quoted it when trying to describe GD.
Liz
What about "Trans: A memoir" By Juliet Jacques or another good one "She's not there " by Jennifer Boylan
Hi Liz,
No I can't say that I am familiar with it, nor the Cindi of which you speak. I think I must have been born with at least a mating pair of these squirrels in my head. It seems there are several more of them now than there was before.
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 12, 2017, 03:51:36 PM
Hi Liz,
No I can't say that I am familiar with it, nor the Cindi of which you speak. I think I must have been born with at least a mating pair of these squirrels in my head. It seems there are several more of them now than there was before.
Jeanette
Find it and have a listen, the Cindi I talk of has not posted in awhile but from memory her book was free on Amazon. She talks about the squirrel in her head...she describes her dysphoria in these terms and the description resonated strongly with me.
Liz
LOL @ squirrels....I've always referred to them as "my committee".....always deciding what I should do and how I should act, judging me and verbally berating me with me never wanting to agree with them, though I often acquiesce. They are....simply stated, a first class pita
Quote from: ElizabethK on March 12, 2017, 04:44:48 PM
Find it and have a listen, the Cindi I talk of has not posted in awhile but from memory her book was free on Amazon. She talks about the squirrel in her head...she describes her dysphoria in these terms and the description resonated strongly with me.
Liz
Okay Liz,
It took me awhile to find it but I did and have the 5 parts bookmarked for future reading. I will link the last part for others that may also like to read it. This last part has links to the other 4 parts making it easier to get to them. it is still available on kindle for free too... Squirrel Cage by Cindi Jones
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,15958.msg122667.html#msg122667
Thank you for peaking my curiosity.
Quote from: jentay1367 on March 12, 2017, 05:06:49 PM
LOL @ squirrels....I've always referred to them as "my committee".....always deciding what I should do and how I should act, judging me and verbally berating me with me never wanting to agree with them, though I often acquiesce. They are....simply stated, a first class pita
Yup Jentay,
Same group different names. I tend to equate mine to squirrels because of their penchant for constant chittering spreading the word to others when you invade their territory. Their berating continues everywhere you go until you leave. Occasionally when you are endangering their food supply or getting too close to a nest they become very agitated and loudly demanding you vacate the premises Now!.
My squirrels are like that, always there, always nearby, waiting to ambush my thoughts. I'm able to ignore them during the day easily. But at night when I'm in my bed and all is quiet, I become vulnerable to their criticism.
(15 hours to go and I'm still good)
Hugs,
Jeanette
Well, the day has arrived. My appointment is in 1 1/2 hours. I'll be leaving in about 25 minutes in order to be there early because of morning work traffic. It is only 12 miles. 12 miles to think about what to say.
I'm okay still, no panic, just a bit or nervousness starting to set in. I'll be in male mode as Jeanette cannot face the light of day as yet. No one here in my apartments nor my sister know of Jeanette and I'm not ready to enlighten them at this time.
No time to make a breakfast as I usually do. I'm sure my alter ego's FB will wonder about that as cooking breakfast and posting a pictures for them is something I have done for almost 2 years. It raises questions when they don't see my breakfast posts. It even has generated phone calls when I've missed a couple of days.
I slept well last night only waking about 3 times. I'm all rested for my appointment so I don't think I'll be dozing off mid sentence. It has happened to be before after my divorce. I'll fallen asleep sitting on a customers floor while taking a computer apart to fix it. LOL That happened a few times actually. Your problems and drugs can keep you awake only so long.
Why am I telling you all this? To keep my mind off the appointment of course. But now, my friends, it's time to brush my teeth, put on, my shoes, grab a jacket and head out the door.
Wish me luck.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Hi Hon, You will be fine. I had butterflies to but you will settle in and all will be good.
Be positive, confident in who you really are, its your time !!
Sending good vibes, Cant wait to here how it went.
Wishing you luck!
I am sure it went well and you have felt such a relief, Jeanette. :)
yay!
I'm back. I've met with my gender therapist and all in all the word I would use to describe the visit is "anticlimactic". Yep, that sums it up pretty well. We greeted each other and introduce ourselves a bit to break the ice. Then we got into my history a bit more w/o going into very much detail. The conversation was more to give him a better idea as to who I was in general than anything else. We did touch upon how I came to start HRT and how it led to me being in his office this morning, We talked a little of my married life, alcoholism, drug use, crossdressing, cancer, etc. You know, just the usual things everyone talks about when making small talk.... What's that? It ISN'T what everyone talks about? Oh.... Perhaps I need to work on honing my social skills a little.
Well anyway not much of any import was discussed. Perhaps that will happen next visit. Yeah their will be a "next". The date is set for the 21st, that's next week Tuesday. I'll be there.
Thank you all for the support givien to get me there today. It didn't even hurt and no tissues were needed.
Hugs,
Jeanette
No tissues? OMG, something is wrong!
:D Just kidding! Congratulations on getting through it! You'll be fine from here on.
I've experienced that many go to therapists expecting to be told what is either wrong with them...or what they should do. They do neither. They're basically sounding boards. You're paying for them to be something you've never had...an ear. It can either be cathartic or create the feeling like you're throwing your money away. That always depends on your therapist.
If you're unequivocally sure your Trans, I'm not really sure what good they can actually do. If on the other hand, you're looking for answers or a way through the maze so you may actualize, they can be great. I knew your meeting would be "anticlimactic" as you'd stated. They can only lead you to trigger an epiphany. They don't have any magic answers as some go in hoping they do.
see nowt to worry about, I gave up worrying years ago as things are what they are and no amount of worry will change a thing. When I started work one of the old boys told me "you die if you worry, you die if you don't so why worry" and I went YES that's right. Keep smiling girl its an end to a means XXX Davina
Thank you Kathy, Davina, and Jentay,
Quote from: KathyLauren on March 13, 2017, 03:07:08 PM
No tissues? OMG, something is wrong!
:D Just kidding! Congratulations on getting through it! You'll be fine from here on.
Kathy, I am sure there will be many opportunities for tissues later.
Quote from: davina61 on March 13, 2017, 04:03:46 PM
I gave up worrying years ago as things are what they are and no amount of worry will change a thing.
Davina, This is very true and I have never been a worrier, I told the psychiatrist I talked to for my assessment as much and that I do not believe in stress, that I do not understand it. As Leonard (my alter ego) This has been true. As Jeanette however I have been a worrier. I've worried and had moments of panic over each step I have taken. It is as if I have been changing emotionally as much as I have been physically. As Leaonrd I've had difficulties tearing up over sad or sentimental things (more so after my divorce) but now I find myself crying over the same things.
Quote from: jentay1367 on March 13, 2017, 03:19:44 PM
They're basically sounding boards. You're paying for them to be something you've never had...an ear. . If on the other hand, you're looking for answers or a way through the maze so you may actualize, they can be great. I knew your meeting would be "anticlimactic" as you'd stated. They can only lead you to trigger an epiphany. They don't have any magic answers as some go in hoping they do.
Jentay, Your words are I think just what I am looking for from therapy. I have never been one to "talk over my problems" I've always been a "do it yourselfer" figuring out and resolving my problems myself. My divorce, drugs, alcoholism,and serious thoughts of suicide are testaments on how good that has worked out for me. I think it's time I tried something else. This may just be it. I like to think I've had some successes though, I no longer do drugs, drink or smoke having given up those about 22,18,and 16.5 years ago. I'm no longer considered a lousy father by my daughter, and I am working of accepting and becoming the person I think I should be. It's that last that I freely admit I cannot do for myself. Rather I'll accept the help of professionals and the help and suport of everyone willing to help here at Susan's Place.
I thank you all for being here for myself and all the others this place helps.
Hugs,
Jeanette
I know this story....................
QuoteMy divorce, drugs, alcoholism,and serious thoughts of suicide are testaments on how good that has worked out for me.
The only reason divorce isn't included in my case is because I have a patient, loving, awesome spouse. The others? Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. So..I feel your pain, girl. As I suspect many of us do here. We all seem to share much of that narrative.
I see in you a woman who is open minded and ready to accept the help that the man you pretended to be, never could. Cuz' of that, I only see wonderful things on your horizon, Jeannette. I think you're going to be fine, fine fine!
Quote from: jentay1367 on March 13, 2017, 05:04:42 PM
I know this story....................
So..I feel your pain, girl. As I suspect many of us do here. We all seem to share much of that narrative.
I see in you a woman who is open minded and ready to accept the help that the man you pretended to be, never could. Cuz' of that, I only see wonderful things on your horizon, Jeannette. I think you're going to be fine, fine fine!
Yes JenTay sadly I have to agree, many of us here have had to walk that difficult path to get to where we are today. Some never make it.
Thank you for the vote of confidence. It helps.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 13, 2017, 12:58:57 PM
Well anyway not much of any import was discussed. Perhaps that will happen next visit.It didn't even hurt and no tissues were needed.
I'm glad to hear it went so well. Tho I wouldn't put the hanky away in storage just yet. It is called "The Crying Game." But seriously, congratulations on getting past this step.
Thank you, Jane. I'm sure you are right tissues will be needed.
hugs,
Jeanette
Kind of sounds like a blind date. A week of freaking out leading to a feeling of "somehow that was more boring than expected" and then a second date.
Good to here things went o.k. Jeanette.
I know I was expecting to be turned inside-out on my first visit to a therapist :icon_yikes: It all ended up being so very normal and predictable. I haven't got to see a gender therapist yet, but am predicting much the same response as you first contact.
Early days yet though girl. You're still at "tissuecon 5".
Shy
Much thanks Estelle and Shy.
Yes after the initial panic moments and everybody's help I was okay with going to the appointment. I will be good for the next one on Tuesday too. I haven't decided yet if it will be before coming out to my daughter or after. (she is supposed to return from Iowa today). I am toying going up for a visit this weekend. Just the thought of it puckers my behind and twists my tummy. What to do?, What to do?
Hey Shy I love your " You're still at "tissuecon 5"."
Hugs,
Jeanette
I'm so glad that your appointment went well, Jeanette! I am not always the best at catching posts on time (my phone is too old to download the app :(), but I am so, so glad that you had a good experience. I am actually looking for therapists right now, and the fears you expressed really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Love :-*,
P
Quote from: p on March 14, 2017, 01:53:28 PM
I am actually looking for therapists right now, and the fears you expressed really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Love :-*,
P
Hi p,
It matters not when you are able to share yourself with us, what matters is that you do.
It is good that you are looking for the professional help yourself. I am new at confiding in people let alone a therapist, but I am giving it a go as I think it can only help me identify my issue and help me discover solutions. I've said before that I don't have a very good track record there. But my therapist did say I have faced some large issues in my life and have made some really good changes and adjustments to them.
I have decided to us this thread as a means to give voice to and share what is going on in my life. That is pretty much what it has evolved into anyway. I appreciate every bit of assistance I get from you all here at Susan's Place. I think I have been here long enough to have my own running thread for what ails me.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Tuesday...
I just talked to my daughter on facebook tonight. I have arranged to visit her on Tuesday for the purpose of telling her and my son in law that I am trans. She knows something is up but doesn't have any idea what it is. I think I have assured her I'm not going to be telling her I'm dying. I did tell her exactly that because I'm pretty sure it was what came into her mind given my medical history. She knows it is something important because her Dad doesn't make plans, certainly not appointments for the express reason to talk to her and her husband. She's going to worry about it between now and then I know. So am I. lol
Now all I need to do is figure out just how I am going to do it. I even have an alternate day planned if for some reason I can't make it there on Tuesday. So if not Tuesday then Saturday. It is going to happen.
Jeanette
I know this is important to you so I would not be planning anything too much, maybe have in the back of you mind the points you want to cover...you will be great...she will be great...have some faith in your ability as a parent. Good luck for Tuesday
Liz
Thanks Liz,
Yes, this is of huge import to me. As much as I fear doing it, I know it has to get done. Having this conversation, and I hope it is a conversation, with her and my son in law, will not only decide my future relationship with them and my grand kids, it it also signifies the start of my coming out to everyone else. It means I am taking that next huge step in making this real.
Quote from: ElizabethK on March 19, 2017, 01:53:02 AM
I know this is important to you so I would not be planning anything too much, maybe have in the back of you mind the points you want to cover...
Liz
In the back of my mind? There's a dang maelstrom in my mind with all kinds of points to talk about. The trick is going to be grabbing the ones I really think needs to be said, in the right order. Somewhere in that mess is the right one to start with. If I can find it the rest may just follow.
Am I digging a deeper hole or emerging into the light?
We shall see...
Hugs,
Jeanette
No contest...emerging into the light ;D
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 10, 2017, 01:23:08 PM
Hi Asche
I don't think it qualifies as terror. But it is definitely apprehension and fear.
I also do not think it is learning more about me
There is some aspect of " am I really trans " for sure but not so much.
Fear that this means it's going to be really real? This one is a FOR SURE. Each and every step has has filled me with apprehension and makes it more real. Each step feels as you say "irrevocable" They haven't made it any easier.
When I started HRT, I felt I could do it and stop if I decided it wasn't right for me, I haven't stopped and I am running out of that grace period where it wasn't irrevocable. I haven't stopped, yet. But I still have those nagging doubts. With each doctor visit I delve deeper into belonging here, really belonging. I think I fear that being true.
I'm not sure that makes any sense.
Jeanette
Heck I'm even crying about it now. Dang hormones.
You'll be fine! My GID therapist is my best friend! Amazing woman, and she locked right into my issues from Day 1.
I had the same apprehensions as you. Was I really trans? Can I be feminine appearing enough? Will I ever pass? Etc.
In a little less than 4 years time, she has helped fix, correct and fine tune so much in my life. I'm amazed that most things I can get through on my own now. Still have a little anxiety during tense situations and high stress situations, but mostly I've learned to control me. I'm but a shell of my former self. Happier, more outgoing, more positive, more friendly, less opinionated and my anger has totally subsided. So at peace. Which is something I never thought possible.
So be open minded, remember she/he is there to help. To help you figure you out, to address issues, grievances, past traumas, to work through current issues and situations and to help your sort your feelings out.
Embrace him/her as a positive thing. You will only get out of your therapy what you are willing to put into it. So attack it with a vengeance and go find the you that YOU know has been there along. You can do it! [emoji5]
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 19, 2017, 02:08:01 AM
There's a dang maelstrom in my mind with all kinds of points to talk about. The trick is going to be grabbing the ones I really think needs to be said, in the right order. Somewhere in that mess is the right one to start with.
Make sure to impress on them that this is the best thing that's ever happened to you. Don't present it as a negative thing in any way. So many transgender people make the mistake of conveying a sense of wrongness about their authentic gender identity. You see it all the time right here on this site. People always saying, "No one would ever
want to be trans." That gives people the wrong impression. That something is wrong with us. There is nothing
wrong with us. We are born this way. It's a happy day when we can finally come out and live life as our authentic self.
Quote from: Jane Emily on March 19, 2017, 04:40:09 PM
Make sure to impress on them that this is the best thing that's ever happened to you. Don't present it as a negative thing in any way. So many transgender people make the mistake of conveying a sense of wrongness about their authentic gender identity. You see it all the time right here on this site. People always saying, "No one would ever want to be trans." That gives people the wrong impression. That something is wrong with us. There is nothing wrong with us. We are born this way. It's a happy day when we can finally come out and live life as our authentic self.
That is some of the most helpful and awesome and constructive advice I've seen here or anywhere else for that matter!! Nice advice, Jane!
Quote from: Jane Emily on March 19, 2017, 04:40:09 PM
Make sure to impress on them that this is the best thing that's ever happened to you. Don't present it as a negative thing in any way. So many transgender people make the mistake of conveying a sense of wrongness about their authentic gender identity. You see it all the time right here on this site. People always saying, "No one would ever want to be trans." That gives people the wrong impression. That something is wrong with us. There is nothing wrong with us. We are born this way. It's a happy day when we can finally come out and live life as our authentic self.
Hi Jane,
I don't mean to hijack this thread but you make an important point.
You are right; we are what we are, and we shouldn't have to bear some sense of shame about it.
I was going to say people are born with cleft palates and other birth defects, too, and it doesn't make it a desirable feature. I can't imagine a cis-gender person saying, "Gosh, I wish I were transgender!" But one could just as easily argue that being born transgender is not a defect at all, just a rare expression of the natural range of the human sexual and gender continuum.
I think I prefer the latter interpretation. :)
With kindness,
Terri
Quote from: Jane Emily on March 19, 2017, 04:40:09 PM
Make sure to impress on them that this is the best thing that's ever happened to you. Don't present it as a negative thing in any way. So many transgender people make the mistake of conveying a sense of wrongness about their authentic gender identity. You see it all the time right here on this site. People always saying, "No one would ever want to be trans." That gives people the wrong impression. That something is wrong with us. There is nothing wrong with us. We are born this way. It's a happy day when we can finally come out and live life as our authentic self.
Hi Jane, Like the new avatar btw
Good point you make, but I am not sure I can classify it as "the best thing that's ever happened to me" after all the trouble it has caused throughout my life. Granted that discovering that it is the reason why I am the way I am may be just that. Now I can work to accept who I am and finally move in the right direction to stop fighting it.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: Jane Emily on March 19, 2017, 04:40:09 PM
Make sure to impress on them that this is the best thing that's ever happened to you. Don't present it as a negative thing in any way. So many transgender people make the mistake of conveying a sense of wrongness about their authentic gender identity. You see it all the time right here on this site. People always saying, "No one would ever want to be trans." That gives people the wrong impression. That something is wrong with us. There is nothing wrong with us. We are born this way. It's a happy day when we can finally come out and live life as our authentic self.
I agree with the sentiment that there is nothing wrong with being trans. Yes, awesome! I do think you should think about giving a bit of your history though. Once they hear, "I am trans." they will probably not hear much of what is said after. For an example, I told everyone from the get go that something that everyone else never had to think about was difficult for me my whole life. (Not mentioning gender right away) I told people how painful hiding had been. I told them I could not bare to continue as things had been. Furthermore I said I was very afraid of losing people over this, but I had to be true to who I really am. It was then that I stated that what I was talking about was gender identity. Now I would think it might be good to say how much better life is, coming to terms with being a trans woman. Set the dichotomy in my opinion, the old way was painful, the new way is full of hope. Telling about the pain of hiding makes people understand this is no whim, fashion statement, or spur of the moment decision. It makes it less likely they will think, "Oh, this will just go away." Most people react to a loved one in pain by wanting to help. If you introduce it like you bought a new car, well...
Anyway just a few thoughts! I seemed to be good at coming out. Having surgeries, not so much! Good luck!
Moni
Thank all of you, Jane, JenTay, Terri and you too Moni,
I see you all are ganging up on me, standing united behind Jane. lol Well I like what see (and all of you) have to say, as I expressed above, I am not sure about it being "the best thing". I have mixed feelings there. Really mixed feelings.
I know I do not need to relate to anyone here all the fear, shame, embarrassment and guilt living with this desire to look and indeed be a member of the opposite sex. It's affect every aspect of my life from when I was a small boy to me now as a older person. The difference is that now I have a name for it, now I have a reason for the misery in my life. Now I have a hope of being happy. It would be a hard sell that it's the best thing that has happened to me. Especially when I feel the birth of my daughter and all my grand children are the winners of that title in my life.
I will likely begin with telling them I love them, that what I have to say may be difficult for then to accept, and that if they need me to at anytime I will get back in my pickup and leave be it to give them time to think about what I say or because the do not want me there any longer. That I also hope it doesn't come to that.
Then I think I will start with my crossdressing when she was little. I am pretty sure that see was aware that I indulged then and am pretty sure she had seen me several times though I tried to keep it from her. We have never talked about it. Denial being a great tool. Then I'll find out if she ever told my son in law about my dressing. It is possible she did and equally possible that it is news to him. That should break the ice and set the ground work for bringing them up to date.
I should be permitted to have my say without much drama as they are a family that believe in open discussion and explanation of what and why they do things even to explaining things to the kids. They discuss everything with the kids that is going to affect them. Everything ! Even some things about my life I'd rather have had buried. That is also of concern to me because the grand kids will be brought up to date on Papa too once I have this talk with my daughter and her husband Scott.
Those are my thoughts. What do you thinks of them?
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 19, 2017, 09:38:33 PM
It would be a hard sell that it's the best thing that has happened to me. Especially when I feel the birth of my daughter and all my grand children are the winners of that title in my life.
Jeanette, please forgive my indulgence in hyperbole. Obviously your children are the best thing that ever happened to you. All I can say is stay positive and be sure to let them know that this is good news.
Remember Jeanette, Nobody can own this if you won't. Words have power. Speak from your heart, not from the male driven ego you're working so hard to abandon. Don't let your Id sabotage you. If your babies don't believe you're sincere or suspect your unsure, they'll be disinclined to see that you're making the right decision for yourself. You need to sell "Jeanette" and you need to close the deal.
I'm sorry Jane and Jen,
Yes my daughter and grand kids are some of the best of my life. Of course they are.
But so is becoming me. I want this, and I feel it is right for me. I am in such a turmoil at the moment over what to say to her. I took a break from the computer to watch a couple of old Highway to Heaven episodes. The first had to do with a grown son jealous of and embarrassed by his father's work as a dress wearing comedian that kept him away from home a lot. The end of which had them confronting the issues and coming to terms with them. The usual tear jerk part.
Just what I need right now a story of a crossdressing father creating a problem for a child, right?. Just shoot me now.
The next episode I gave up on after restarting it twice and not having any idea what it was about due to all the old thoughts in my head. Thoughts like how I didn't like Christmas because I could never get the things I wanted and had to watch my sisters open the gift I wanted instead of me. How doing boy things and failing at them because I really was interested in them. Other boys my age played with army men, or airplanes or collected baseball cards. I didn't. I wanted to visit the girl across the street and play. omg all these old almost completely forgotten little things going around and around in my head to the point of distraction. i gave up on the TV and came back to the computer.
I saw that my thread had responses from the two of you, read them and cried. Don't ask me why I am crying I don't know. I know it isn't really what you two said, it's probably more that you cared enough to say them. The tears are just running down my face unbidden. I believe I could be having an emotional meltdown. Is this that stress I recently told the psychiatrist I have never believed in?
Thank you both for being there.
Jeanette
It's all going to be okay, honey. Make that your mantra. Keep telling yourself that and constantly visualize their total acceptance. ......you'll see it when you believe it. Sleep tight.
Quote from: jentay1367 on March 20, 2017, 01:03:21 AM
It's all going to be okay, honey. Make that your mantra. Keep telling yourself that and constantly visualize their total acceptance. ......you'll see it when you believe it. Sleep tight.
I hope so Jen, I really do. Have a good night.
Hi Jeanette,
Think about the liberation of telling your family this, the freedom you'll gain to talk with them with no fear and not pretending something you're not comfortable with. Tell them what you really are, what are your feelings and how you see yourself.
I know I'm new here and I don't have too much experience in social situations, but I've read you helping so many people and I'm pretty sure you will make it, and everything is going to be okay!
I hope the best,
Q.
Jeanette,
Hi! I wanted to say that I know how difficult this is for you. I prepped my two sons much as you have prepped your daughter. Of course I was a wreck before I actually spoke to them. The nerves were pretty bad. I'm sure you are feeling this. The shame, denial, and guilt was telling me that I could conceivably be being selfish by telling them. Then my logic would kick in and I would realize that continuing without telling was impossible. Logic told me that I would be there for any issue they had. This is what families should do. Also, I did not ask to be dealing with this situation, but this is my thing to own. It did not make it any easier, all this logic, but I felt that I knew my kids, and I thought they would try to understand. I promised myself that I would do everything I could to help them if it was hard for them. With this, I went to battle, one that must be fought as much as I was scared. Scared? No terrified! I can't tell you how many times I wrote out what I would say. It was enough that when I spoke, my thoughts came out okay. You know, I think they were as scared as I was. I was changing the way they would view me for now on, but it was okay because that image was not wholly true after all. In my case, my sons were very accepting. In fact my son later joked that they thought it was gonna be really bad like I was gonna change my political views or something. I am sure you will respect the feelings of your family. Please keep in mind that all of the past shame aside, you deserve respect too. You deserve for them to be there for you. I hope they will. Will be thinking of you.
Moni
Thank you Q and Moni your responses do help.
I've been okay today because I've done what I excel at. I've procrastinated. I've tried not to think about it, I went for a walk and listened to my audio book. I'll read and commented on all the new posts up until this one which I saved for last. When I look again there will be more trickling in as I write this. I haven't allowed myself to think about it. I know where that will take me so I keep bust with other things.
Soon I will need to get things ready for tomorrow. I will gather all my meds and pack a backpack with a change of clothes and put my toiletries in a zip lock bag or two. I'll put some coffee grounds in another baggie and put it with my individual cup coffee maker and put it in my pickup. I'll bring out my laptop and plug it in to charge it and make sure it is updated and ready for use. In short I'll get everything I need ready for at least an overnight trip even though I've already warned her I may not be staying. That will be up to them. Tomorrow I'll finish getting everything ready, eat a quick breakfast, and hit the road.
First stop, meet with my therapist for the second time, yes I have that on the burner too. An hour or so with him and probably a bit of a pep talk to send me on my way and it's back on the road for the 2 1/2 - 3 hour drive up to my daughter's place. That 2 1/2 hour drive is going to seem a lot longer and yet not long enough I'm afraid. I'll have to be careful during it. Heaven knows I don't want to get a ticket for distracted driving or worse on the way.
When I get there I will probably see if we can get right to it. I so hate elephants in the room. What happens beyond that I don't have a clue, a lot of fears but not a single clue. I guess I'll find out because this is going to happen, It has to happen. I'll hope and pray for the best but will accept what ever happens.
dang it, eyes are leaking again
Jeanette
You can do this, Jeanette!
There will be a lot of folks on this site sending you good vibes tomorrow. I think you are right not to arrange the furniture for them before you talk. lol
Moni
Quote from: KathyLauren on March 20, 2017, 07:56:55 PM
You can do this, Jeanette!
Thanks Kathy,
Yes I can and tomorrow I will. For better or worse I have already set the stage and I have to tell my daughter and son in law something. It may as well be the truth about what is going on with me.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Pretty excited for you Jeanette! Surrounding you and yours with pure white light. Go get em' girl! ;)
Thanks Jen,
You know I will need every bit of those good vibes come tomorrow. I'm still doing okay tonight. I'm keeping too busy to think about it much. I know I will later though. I still haven't got my speech figured out. I tend to wing it a lot but It might serve me well to jot down a rough outline of what I want to say. Oh bother! let's see.... Hi I'm Jeanette and I am a trans-woman... No, that won't do....
Sleeping is likely going to be a challenge.
Hugs,
Jeanette.
Also sending good thoughts. Hope all goes well tomorrow.
Hi Jeanette
You really have got an exciting day ahead for all sorts of reasons. I really hope this goes well for you. You have given a large portion of your life over to looking out for everyone else and fulfilling commitments. I absolutely understand this, its now time for you...for your part in life...they are not losing you but gaining all of you. I can attest to one thing when your head is not so full of dysphoria, guilt and self hate there is room for other stuff...like a full range of emotions.
Enjoy the drive, sing some songs, have some fun so you are happy and as upbeat as you can be when you arrive. If you see and express this as a positive thing then the chances are, they might see it the same way
Hugs
Liz
Quote from: Jane Emily on March 20, 2017, 11:59:37 PM
Also sending good thoughts. Hope all goes well tomorrow.
Thanks Jane, Me too it will be my second visit with my gender therapist. I have a couple things to talk over with him.
Ohhhhh You mean at my daughter's, of course you do. Sorry. Yes, Jane I do so hope it goes well,. I'm liable to be a basket case if it doesn't but I'm not going there. I'm sure you can tell I'm doing okay at the moment. I think I have a pretty good idea what I'm going to start with and where my story should flow from there. Now all I need worry about is the execution. I've been told I can weave a pretty good story about myself during my AA days when I had the opportunity to be the speaker. You may have gotten a glimpse of it in some of my posts. I have the outline in my head and the words will come. It should even be somewhat coherent.
Yes, I think I am ready to do this. Thank you for your help, Jane and all the others here that help me also.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: ElizabethK on March 21, 2017, 12:23:08 AM
Hi Jeanette
You really have got an exciting day ahead for all sorts of reasons. I really hope this goes well for you. You have given a large portion of your life over to looking out for everyone else and fulfilling commitments. I absolutely understand this, its now time for you...for your part in life...they are not losing you but gaining all of you. I can attest to one thing when your head is not so full of dysphoria, guilt and self hate there is room for other stuff...like a full range of emotions.
Enjoy the drive, sing some songs, have some fun so you are happy and as upbeat as you can be when you arrive. If you see and express this as a positive thing then the chances are, they might see it the same way
Hugs
Liz
Thank you Liz
I hope you read my last post to Jane. I HAVE A PLAN ! lol I'm not sure I like this kind of excitement Liz. I am surely not looking forward to it. I not sure I can pull off happy, upbeat or positive. I'm more known for my negativity and anger. I don't think either of those will apply tomorrow either. But I can do Honesty. I can tell my story as I know it. All of it as I understand things now. I'll start with how much I love them and how proud I am of them as the loving parents they are for their children. Then I'll start talking about myself growing up crossdressing. It's a subject my daughter and I have never had though I am pretty sure she knew of it. It may be news to her husband or it may not be. I'll explain how I had a love /hate relationship with it and how it was something I could not stop. About this time I'll ask if they've heard of gender dysphoria and if they know what it is. I'll explain what it is and that I have it. I will then try to give them examples of what it was like for me growing up with 5 sisters wanting what they had. I'll explain that the reason I don't like Christmas to this day.That I never got the pretty things I always wanted and never would. Instead I had to watch my sisters get those things. How I got my own pretty things when I got older and lived with the shame and guilt knowing I was a pervert and yet loving every minute I was dressed as as a girl/woman. The purging and rebuying. I'll tell them I'm getting therapy, and have told all my doctors. I'll tell them about starting HRT meds without a second thought and not regretting it. I'll tell them it feels right. I'll tell them I love the boobs growing on my chest, how just looking at them in a mirror makes me happy.
I'll tell them how hard it was for me to come tell them and the fear I have that it will ruin everything. I'll tell them again that I love them. I'll tell them that I'll leave if the need to think it over and come back if that's what they want when they are ready or stay away if that is their choice but I need to do this for myself. I'll tell then I am doing it with or without their blessing even if it means I never get to return.
See Liz? I do know what I want to say and tomorrow I will have my say. For better or worse. I am Jeanette.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Thinking of you Jeanette, whatever you choose to do. Just be honest, loving and open, that's all you can do.
Hey Shy,
Thank you for your support. can you come hold my hand this afternoon? last night I was so confident about what I need to do and what I am going to say. This morning not so much. :( I think I'm really going to need that session with my therapist this morning before heading up to my daughter's place. I don't feel so convince this morning. The doubts has come back again.
I am still resolute about having that talk with her but my story doesn't sound all that convincing like it did last night.
Dang I hate these ups and downs. Maybe I'll feel better about it before I get there. :(
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 21, 2017, 09:22:34 AM
Hey Shy,
Thank you for your support. can you come hold my hand this afternoon? last night I was so confident about what I need to do and what I am going to say. This morning not so much. :( I think I'm really going to need that session with my therapist this morning before heading up to my daughter's place. I don't feel so convince this morning. The doubts has come back again.
I am still resolute about having that talk with her but my story doesn't sound all that convincing like it did last night.
Dang I hate these ups and downs. Maybe I'll feel better about it before I get there. :(
Hugs,
Jeanette
Will a cyber hug from across the pond do?
Take your time girl, go at your own pace. You only have to make first contact with a few words, if that's what you want to do. There will be plenty of time to talk when the dust settles.
With me it all just came flooding out in a confused babble of a new language I'd invented called "genderish". So probably not the best to advise. These are very personal journeys, so I don't want to influence you one way or the other, just offering my support and best wishes.
Peace and love and all that good stuff.
Shy
Quotecan you come hold my hand this afternoon?
In spirit we are, Doll! All of us are right behind you. Warn em' that you'll sick your
>-bleeped-< army on em' if they give you any trouble... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Keeping you in my thoughts today, Jeanette! Love, P :-*
I hope it is going well Jeanette, go for it! <3
Has anyone heard from Jeanette? I'm getting a bit concerned. I would think she would have been in touch by now? ???
They're all partying together ;) Or we could hope, anyway.
Love you Jeanette. Be who you need to be.
Love
Randy
Hi everyone,
I'm back home now. Thank you all for the support and concern. I did really have a good way to make an update because I only had my phone with me and though it is a smart phone it's operator isn't. I don't really have it setup to access forums. I was able to get the update on Cindy that her operation went well and they they they got it all. That was such good news it helped cheer me up a bit. Then when I tried to comment on her post I ran into password problems and mess it all up to where I couldn't even read things any more. :(
Well, I did have my talk with my daughter and son in law. The good news is they didn't throw me out and I stayed for supper, tucked in my 2 younger monskers as I always do. There is always lots of giggling and laughter as I tuck almost all their covers underneath them more of less in mummy fashion then grabbing their shoulder to admonish them to "Go to Sleep" while bouncing them a lot. Then I tell them when I snap my fingers they will be asleep.(of course they insist they won't) Heading out the door I hit the lights and snap my fingers. I think it works because I never see them until the morning. I think you have figured out I did stay the night.
Okay, okay that's not what you want to hear about. I had a difficult getting my speech started as I had to cry before I could talk. I did get started though and they listened quietly to all I had to tell them. They were somewhat relieved that the news was nothing that the had been fearing. Evening though I had told them I "wasn't dying yet" they were sure I was going to tell them my cancer had returned and "yet" meant I wasn't going to be around much longer. I supposed I should have do a better job dispelling possibilities.
Somewhat relieved didn't mean they were happy. Shocked and blind sided are probably more apt words. No, they do not accept my explanations and reasoning, feeling that there must be another cause to account for all my past and present symptoms. Something else that explains my past drug use, alcoholism, anger, feeling of failure in being a dad and husband, my lifetime of crossdressing and now thinking I am trans. They don't accept it nor will they support it. We did have a pretty long talk about all this and I must admit their theory has merit. Their offered solution however I cannot accept. At this late date I cannot believe in a religious solution. I've been down that road and could not bring myself to commit to it. They are aware of how I feel and I of theirs, we have a working truce when it comes to religion.
Anyway like I said we had a good discussion and at least for now nothing has changed other than they will talk to the kids explaining about me and what I am doing. The repercussions for the future they couldn't say as they need more time to talk things over among themselves and think it over. As for myself I think I have some thinking to do also. Where I go from here I really don't know.
Thank you all
Jeanette
It is a very emotional time for her. I just hope the emotions are happy ones. She is such a sweetheart.
Moni
QuoteWe did have a pretty long talk about all this and I must admit their theory has merit.
What's their theory, Jeanette?
Quote from: jentay1367 on March 22, 2017, 06:41:36 PM
What's their theory, Jeanette?
Jen
I'm sorry if it wasn't clear. They feel they cause of all my "problems" is something else entirely. Possibly something from childhood. She feel my sibling and I all have life issues possibly from a dysfunctional family. Possibly because my dad was a career Navy man and gone a lot leaving my mom to raise all of us kids. She could be right.
She is also of the opinion a gender therapist is going to find gender issues to treat.
Jeanette
Well, I don't want to sound glib, but I'm of the mind that there are two types of family dynamics, Dysfunctional and delusional. The whole Leave it to Beaver, Father knows Best and Donna Reed thing were a massive lie perpetrated on an ignorant public that was looking for normalcy after a brutal Depression and horrific War. So what you really have is an honest perspective of growing up in America...many don't or as I pointed out, are too delusional to deal with that fact.
As to your second point? Your Gender Therapist has no vested interest in you being Trans or Not. None. If they do, they're unprofessional and have completely violated their Hippocratic oath. So no, that's totally incorrect, totally.
At any rate, this is your life, your decision and your path. You have to decide first, who you are. You'd pointed out to me you're Jeanette in a previous post. You may not actually have that one internalized yet. If you do come to that conclusion and actually believe it, then you have to decide whether you can live your authentic life or whether you'll allow others to define it for you. It's only a decision for you to make. But first and foremost, you must know what you want. Without that, you're a rudderless ship. You can't get where you're going without a destination in mind first. I'm really sorry your people don't have your best interests at heart. Perhaps they feel they do, but that doesn't make it so. I hope only the best for you. That means I want you to get what you want. When you figure out what that is, you can create a road map and head for wherever that may be. All my best to you always, Jeanette!
Jen,
I am at a loss for a response. What you say is true. I don't think I had a bad childhood. I feel like I'm adrift in a bathtub at the moment. I told them I don't think what i'm doing is wrong and stop see myself stopping.
I don't know atm I just don't know. and it sucks
Jeanette
You are armed for your next visit to your Therapist. There's plenty of beans in that broth now....I think you'll get your money's worth next session. Till then...give your brain a rest. That's my suggestion as a friend. And if you're really thinking things through? Think them through in drab. Dressing will only cloud your judgement right now and in my opinion, not in a good way. If you're a woman?....... you're a woman in men's jeans and a t-shirt too.
Jeanette,
I am not saying anything bad about your relatives here. I hope you will keep in mind that this is very new to them. It is not something people typically deal with so they probably have little background to go on. If I was hit with this out of the blue, I would be scrambling to come up with an explanation. That may, for them, not be based on factual information. You may have to guide them to those facts. Stay strong with what you know, what you feel. I am glad you are on here talking because the people on this site know the facts of being trans. Remember, first reactions are not always indicative of how things turn out.
Moni
Thanks Jen and Moni,
I do know I am not stopping my meds in a knee jerk reaction. I do need to do some more thinking.
I had a good meeting with my gender therapist before going up to my daughter's place. I felt good. We talked about my little mirror meltdown. He said I needed to accept myself as Jeanette and was calling me Jeanette. We talked about my plans to talk to my daughter and that I am who I am regardless of how they react.
I kind of liked him calling me Jeanette though it sounded kind of strange. I don't have any problem saying "Hi, I'm Jeanette" here on this forums and like you all calling me Jeanette. But hearing it is a different thing.
Jeanette
Jeanette,
I can think of you as nothing but "Jeanette." I enjoyed hearing you talk about your 'monskers.' Very sweet!
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on March 22, 2017, 08:35:56 PM
Jeanette,
I can think of you as nothing but "Jeanette." I enjoyed hearing you talk about your 'monskers.' Very sweet!
Moni
Thanks Moni. I'm trying, I just keep stubbing my toe.
Those two monskers are still young enough to enjoy my silliness. When they were younger and needing help with shoes and socks they got a lot of giggles from socks and sometimes shoes winding up on hands and wrong feet. Sometimes shoes had to be "forced or pounded" onto unruly feet. yep Papa is sometime pretty crazy. (lol if they only knew the truth) The older two are teens and too old for my nonsense. And of course the newest one is too young yet. I love them all.
Jeanette
Oh, Jeanette--I'm sorry that the talk with your daughter and son-in-law was disappointing. But I'm proud of you for telling them. And they may yet come around. You inspire me just by being the woman you are, J. Love you.
Thank you p
I can tell you it was not easy to do but they did give me a fair listen as did I when it was there turn. I appreciated their honest thoughts on the matter and I need to give some thought to what they said. I am kind of dreading going back and facing the grand kids questions, and they will have questions. Mom and Dad will be breaking the news to them now that I have come home if they haven't already.
I can't very well say "Ha ha I was just kidding" Even if I decided I needed to stop I would still have questions to answer. I would help if I had the answers. Right at this moment I can't say that I do. :-( I do know I am not stopping anything just yet. And I know they still love me even if they disagree.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Jeanette, it sounds like they are influenced by their religious beliefs. You on the other hand are influenced by your lived reality. Sounds like for now the best solution is to "agree to disagree." An old Native American saying, "Never judge a man until you have walked a mile in his moccasins." Change man to transgender woman and get the pronouns right and that expression pretty darn well encompasses our transgender experience of life. People who don't spend their lives in hiding, have a hard time getting what it is like to feel the need to live a life in hiding. Also, about half the trans folks here have life issues stemming from a dysfunctional family. Myself included. But I'm/we're still trans. Dysfunctional family and all. That never changes. I'm glad you had a chance to share this honest moment with them. They now have a chance to love the real you and now you have given them that chance.
Thank you Jane,
Thank you for bringing tears to my eyes again, It's becoming a common occurrence. I liked what you said and how you said it. We do have an agreement to disagree in place and have had for quite some time. There are quite a few things we disagree on.
There was a highlight to the talk... I told Scott that though we have never been close it has never been what I wanted. I told him that I have only wanted to be able to hug him and tell him that I loved him but never felt that I could. When he had his turn to talk he said that as far as me wanting to hug him goes, there was nothing to stop me from doing it now. And so we did and I did tell him I loved him. I told them both that at the beginning and that I loved him for everything he has done for my daughter and grand children. I don't think I had ever told him that before either. So there were good things that came out of our talk too.
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 22, 2017, 11:35:58 PM
There was a highlight to the talk... I told Scott that though we have never been close it has never been what I wanted. I told him that I have only wanted to be able to hugs him and tell him that I loved him but never felt that I could. When he had his turn to talk he said that as far as me wanting to hug him goes, there was nothing to stop me from doing it now. And so we did and I did tell him I loved him. I told them both that at the beginning and that I loved him for everything he has done for my daughter and grand children. I don't think I had ever told him that before either. So there were good things that came out of out talk too.
That is majorly sweet right there! I'm so glad you got to break through that barrier. I have always regretted when I didn't break through myself.
Love, Randy
Phew, I was worried for a while Jeanette.
I know it probably doesn't seem like it now but from what I read there seems to be a degree of acceptance. This stuff takes time to process for everyone.
I know you must be full of all sorts of emotions, so rest up, do something nice, have a treat.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Shy.
Quote from: Shy on March 23, 2017, 05:15:16 AM
Phew, I was worried for a while Jeanette.
I know it probably doesn't seem like it now but from what I read there seems to be a degree of acceptance. This stuff takes time to process for everyone.
I know you must be full of all sorts of emotions, so rest up, do something nice, have a treat.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Shy.
Hi Shy,
Acceptance in that they still love me and that I am still the same person - yes
Acceptance of me being trans and of my transitioning - no
Decided as to what the repercussion will be? - the jury is still out.
We had a good long talk during which each of us related issues we each had in our relationships. I think we understand each other a little better now. So that is good. There were other good points not really related to my trans issue. So there main issue I went to talk to them about went over like a lead balloon. I don't know where it goes from here with them. It weighs heavy on my mind.
But they fed me and let me stay the night after and that was good too.
Hugs,
Jeanette
I've read the thread and I'm happy you could tell them. As others have written, I think this can be a matter of time, telling somebody you're trans may be a bit shocking.
However, always remember that you are the only person entitled to decide about who you are or not, and if you feel comfortable and happy being Jeanette, go for it!
At least, now you know each other better and hey, you told them! Complete acceptance is coming sooner or later, if they love you they'll keep doing it.
A big big hug! :)
Thanks Q for the words of support and the big hug :)
Hugs,
Jeanette
Hi everyone,
I thought I would post a little update no crisis today. I have calmed down quite a bit by catching up on the forums I missed while I was gone. The more I read and the more I commented on the more comfortable I became with myself. I still have thinking to do but I haven't dwelt on it today. Sure I thought some about my daughter, her family and I but not too much.
It was a dry day here so I went for a little walk of about an hour duration covering almost 3 miles. That's good for me right now as I've only gone walking 3 times in at least 4 months that exceeded a mile due mainly to the weather. While walking I would see a woman , check her out discreetly and couldn't help but think to myself how much I wanted to be like her. It didn't matter if they were close or far, young or older they all had what I wanted. They were women and I want to be one of them. I felt better than I did before my walk. I was a bit heated, sweaty and pooped but better in my head.
It hasn't solved my problem, there's still work to do there. Now that I've told them I just have to wait to see how it plays out. Much of that is no longer within my control, if it ever was. I've done my part and now will have to see how they handle theirs. I told them I don't see me stopping. Yesterday I didn't feel so sure. Today I'm starting to work my way back to that. Tomorrow? Well who knows what the morrow may bring?
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 23, 2017, 11:08:45 PM
Hi everyone,
..........Now that I've told them I just have to wait to see how it plays out. Much of that is no longer within my control, if it ever was. I've done my part and now will have to see how they handle theirs. I told them I don't see me stopping. Yesterday I didn't feel so sure. Today I'm starting to work my way back to that. Tomorrow? Well who knows what the morrow may bring?
Hugs,
Jeanette
IMHO you nailed it right there. I read your previous post last night and by that stage you had heaps of great advice so there was nothing I could really add...Today you are exactly right, you have shared , you have been honest...the rest is up to them. I don't know how this will play out for you but for what its worth the decision you made to tell them was a good decision then and remains a good decision now, however things turn out.
Hugs
Liz
Thanks Liz,
I don't know how this will play out either. I do know I was pretty distraught yesterday and last night. Did it show? Lmao Coming back home and to Susan's help a lot. Both in letting my worries and thoughts out and getting advice and help from those that responded and also by my reading and commenting on other peoples posts. By the time I went for my walk I was signing my comments with hugs again. Then seeing all those women, those examples of what I want everywhere I looked. And that was my thought, I want to be them.
Thank you again Liz
Hugs,
Jeanette
Jeanette,
I will admit to be a bit worried that because of family reaction, you would try to run from yourself. You seem to be getting closer to understanding the different issues surrounding gender that have been tugging at you. I think that running from what you know to be true of yourself would be a shame. This comes from me, a "marathon runner" from the truth. I know you want to keep great relations with family, as would I. I hope you will be able to educate them over time and not sell yourself short.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on March 24, 2017, 04:20:48 PM
Jeanette,
I will admit to be a bit worried that because of family reaction, you would try to run from yourself. You seem to be getting closer to understanding the different issues surrounding gender that have been tugging at you. I think that running from what you know to be true of yourself would be a shame. This comes from me, a "marathon runner" from the truth. I know you want to keep great relations with family, as would I. I hope you will be able to educate them over time and not sell yourself short.
Moni
Moni,
I have to admit that I don't know what to do at this point. My thoughts on my walk showed my I wish I was a woman and I want to be one, but I don't feel like I am one. I like my breasts and want them to grow bigger, but I worry about how I'm going to explain them. They are not going to go away if I stop taking my pills.
As for my conversation with my daughter, I said what I said the words cannot be unsaid. I cannot very well turn around and say April fools! It's only March. Those words are forever going to influence our relationship no matter what I do now. Just how they will affect out relationship is an unknown quantity right now. I will have to wait and see then take it from there. In the meantime I open my mouth and toss in the pills.
No I don't want to stop but neither do I want to ruin my relationship with my daughter and her family. It may well come to a choice. Which I will choose I do not know.
Thank you for being concerned Moni. It is good to know someone is.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 24, 2017, 05:21:54 PM
Moni,
I have to admit that I don't know what to do at this point. My thoughts on my walk showed my I wish I was a woman and I want to be one, but I don't feel like I am one. I like my breasts and want them to grow bigger, but I worry about how I'm going to explain them. They are not going to go away if I stop taking my pills.
As for my conversation with my daughter, I said what I said the words cannot be unsaid. I cannot very well turn around and say April fools! It's only March. Those words are forever going to influence our relationship no matter what I do now. Just how they will affect out relationship is an unknown quantity right now. I will have to wait and see then take it from there. In the meantime I open my mouth and toss in the pills.
No I don't want to stop but neither do I want to ruin my relationship with my daughter and her family. It may well come to a choice. Which I will choose I do not know.
Thank you for being concerned Moni. It is good to know someone is.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Dear Jeanette,
It is good to say to yourself that steps cannot be retraced. If you had not spoken to them, you would be haunted that you should, that you need to and want to. You did what you needed to do. Whatever happens, you didn't let the fear beat you and that you should be proud of.
From here, you are right, things will play out. Not an easy thing to wait for or perhaps go through. It is best not to assume the worst. Much of the best options of where things go from here on your end depend on you being positive. No, you don't control what they will do, but since they didn't stop talking there is hope. The feelings you have are legitimate. Everything I have learned about myself and from people on this site tell me that we understand the power of the feelings we have and should not be discarded as human beings for having them. Hostility towards trans people comes from lack of understanding, misinformation, or someone's inability for empathy or compassion. If the argument against acceptance is based on Christian beliefs, maybe there is an argument for acceptance being a Christian value. Look at the types of people Jesus hung around with. Not an expert here but wasn't he partial to the cast a ways of the time? My point is, you do have some strong arguments on your side. Hopefully it will proceed in a calm way that will allow both sides a chance to understand the other. Yes my thoughts are definitely with you. We need the site's feng shui specialist happy.
Moni
Hey Jeanette,
So hope in time they will come to understand how important this is to you.. Can't speak for your country at all unfortunately, but where I'm from most people end up understanding and accepting how much pain it has caused us to be born wrong, and why we need to fix it in order to be happy and well adjusted people. I want you to have all the love and support possible from those around you, and from everyone here on Susans for sure.
I think you know so strongly that this is the only right path to take, and you absolutely should continue to travel down it! Its so hard -sometimes impossibe- to feel like you are becoming the woman you want to be, I know I struggle with my visage in the mirror every single day.. But others have done it before us and we will manage too, we are already taking many important steps towards fixing outselves! The future is bright, just have to make our way through this murky darkness first.
Be brave big sis <3
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 24, 2017, 05:21:54 PM
My thoughts on my walk showed my I wish I was a woman and I want to be one, but I don't feel like I am one.
... yet.
From all I've heard, "feeling like a woman" takes time. Years. It comes from living as a woman, being treated as a woman, dealing with the stuff women deal with. Julia Serano (
Whipping Girl) writes, when you've lived as a woman long enough, at some point, there doesn't seem much point in
not saying you're a woman. IMHO, that's what "being a woman" really means, anyway. It's just that cis women have been doing it all their lives.
I've only been full-time for a few months, yet already I see a change in how I see myself. Doing the "woman" thing just seems like life, nothing special, and I'm starting to see myself as just another woman. An old one, ugly one, a fashion-challenged one, but mostly just one of those many women that don't look or live like the ones in cover photos.
The way things are now is not the way they will always be.
The same is true of your relation to your daughter and her family. How they deal with you now is not how they'll deal with you six months from now, when the novelty has worn off, and how they'll deal with you three years from now will be different still.
I've got to agree with Asche here. The more experience I get living as a woman the more it becomes crystal clear to me that I have always been a woman. A rare woman with the unusual and inconvenient experience of being born in a male body. I don't know how or why it happened. Yes I've read lots of the science on the subject, but there are other ways of knowing than theoretical, empirical, statistical and quantifiable. There is also instinctual knowing. And on that level I just feel it to be true. And, as an aside, instinctual knowing is very much a woman thing. On that level I could never explain it in words in a thousand years of talking around it. I just know it. Every step I take living as a woman. Every day that passes living RLE reinforces it. There is no pushback anywhere of any kind that dissuades me from knowing this thing about myself. Even being misgendered doesn't phase me anymore. How could someone else who hasn't lived this reality ever understand it as deeply as I do? It's hard to accept when all the messages from all the institutions and support systems in ones life have taught one different. But there it is. I know I am a woman and have always been one. It's just that my experience as a woman on planet Earth has been of one born in a male body.
But now I'm finally doing something about that, to be sure. :)
Thanks everyone. I'm okay. I haven't run away or stopped taking my pills. I been online checking posts several times. I just haven't had anything to say.
Sorry,
Jeanette
It's a cloudy, rainy day again here in Oregon. I'm kinda feeling like the weather. I'm sad that my daughter doesn't accept me being trans. It was good the both her and Scott (her husband) were willing to talk about it. By now they've told the kids. I'm feeling reticent about visiting again because of it. That and because I still haven't heard what they may have decided after my coming out to them.
But what is getting me down most is a feeling that I have once again failed her as a dad. I've shocked her and made her sad again. I'm a disappointment and now likely an embarrassment. It just another failure in a long line of failures. I've failed as a dad, failed as a protector, as a husband, and as a man. She could be right. I could have some long time issue, something missing that I haven't discovered or confronted that keeps me from being normal. Something that keeps be grasping at straws trying to figure out who I am by crossdressing and now thinking I'm trans. I don't know what that could be, but she could be right. Maybe I should be seeing a regular shrink instead of a GD.
So there you have it. My head isn't in a good place. You might describe it as a dark and stinky place. lol I'll get it pulled back out one of these days and be better, but I'm okay, not good, but okay.
That's not how I see it. You raised her and you didn't enforce your view point upon her allowing her to form her own view of the world. You didn't forbid her marriage to her husband and thus you have been very supportive of her life choices. The final verdict isn't in yet, but should she decide to reject you, it was a selfish decision on her part and not one of being graceful for everything that she has received form you over the years. Unfortunately children through no fault of the parents make the wrong decisions.
You had no other option in life and if she doesn't see it today, it's possible some day in the future she will discover how wrong it was to reject you.
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 26, 2017, 01:50:52 PMI could have some long time issue, something missing that I haven't discovered or confronted that keeps me from being normal.
Well, you undoubtedly have a long time issue. But why would you think it was
something else? It seems fairly clear from reading your posts that you have gender dysphoria. Which is a "long time issue" if anything is, and could likely account for a lot of stuff in your past. So why look for another issue?
A gender therapist will be looking for other issues that might be masquerading as GD. It is not their job to fix them, but I am sure they would tell you if they suspected something else.
Don't make your life complicated! :)
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 26, 2017, 01:50:52 PM
It's a cloudy, rainy day again here in Oregon. I'm kinda feeling like the weather. I'm sad that my daughter doesn't accept me being trans. It was good the both her and Scott (her husband) were willing to talk about it. By now they've told the kids. I'm feeling reticent about visiting again because of it. That and because I still haven't heard what they may have decided after my coming out to them.
But what is getting me down most is a feeling that I have once again failed her as a dad. I've shocked her and made her sad again. I'm a disappointment and now likely an embarrassment. It just another failure in a long line of failures. I've failed as a dad, failed as a protector, as a husband, and as a man. She could be right. I could have some long time issue, something missing that I haven't discovered or confronted that keeps me from being normal. Something that keeps be grasping at straws trying to figure out who I am by crossdressing and now thinking I'm trans. I don't know what that could be, but she could be right. Maybe I should be seeing a regular shrink instead of a GD.
So there you have it. My head isn't in a good place. You might describe it as a dark and stinky place. lol I'll get it pulled back out one of these days and be better, but I'm okay, not good, but okay.
I had this kind of regret a few days post coming out too, I actually ended up with a crisis appointment with my GP thinking I'd ruined everything, with everyone I'd ever known, forever. It's quite common amongst the LGBTQ communities as you're bringing others into what was once a secret part of your life. Cis gendered people don't have to come out like we do, but it's actually one of the most beautiful gifts you can give your family, being honest and open with them. That doesn't sound like failure to me.
Very few of us get the "I'm so proud of you" reaction when we come out. I certainly didn't, it's just been a slow process of everyone getting used to a different family dynamic.
Try not to be so down on yourself Jeanette, I think you're awesome! You made me feel very welcome when I popped on to this site and I thank you for that:)
If you're feeling depressed then maybe ask a doc about it, no shame in that, you just may need a little more support at this time.
Peace, Love and all that Good stuff,
Shy
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 26, 2017, 01:50:52 PM
It's a cloudy, rainy day again here in Oregon. I'm kinda feeling like the weather. I'm sad that my daughter doesn't accept me being trans. It was good the both her and Scott (her husband) were willing to talk about it. By now they've told the kids. I'm feeling reticent about visiting again because of it. That and because I still haven't heard what they may have decided after my coming out to them.
But what is getting me down most is a feeling that I have once again failed her as a dad. I've shocked her and made her sad again. I'm a disappointment and now likely an embarrassment. It just another failure in a long line of failures. I've failed as a dad, failed as a protector, as a husband, and as a man. She could be right. I could have some long time issue, something missing that I haven't discovered or confronted that keeps me from being normal. Something that keeps be grasping at straws trying to figure out who I am by crossdressing and now thinking I'm trans. I don't know what that could be, but she could be right. Maybe I should be seeing a regular shrink instead of a GD.
So there you have it. My head isn't in a good place. You might describe it as a dark and stinky place. lol I'll get it pulled back out one of these days and be better, but I'm okay, not good, but okay.
Ohhh my... try to be at peace with yourself, I get you so much, when I told everybody my wife left me, divorced and refuses to let me see my son (he's just 3 years old) lost my job, and have been living in my parent's spare room for months no... the pain can be a huge thing, try to deal with it, cry whenever you can, and while things can look grim I think your daughter will come to her senses and accept you the way you are, because like my mom said to me, you can't divorce your children, that's horrible, I think it's the same the other way around, you just have to be optimistic, it will be alright.
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 26, 2017, 01:50:52 PM
It's a cloudy, rainy day again here in Oregon. I'm kinda feeling like the weather. I'm sad that my daughter doesn't accept me being trans. It was good the both her and Scott (her husband) were willing to talk about it. By now they've told the kids. I'm feeling reticent about visiting again because of it. That and because I still haven't heard what they may have decided after my coming out to them.
But what is getting me down most is a feeling that I have once again failed her as a dad. I've shocked her and made her sad again. I'm a disappointment and now likely an embarrassment. It just another failure in a long line of failures. I've failed as a dad, failed as a protector, as a husband, and as a man. She could be right. I could have some long time issue, something missing that I haven't discovered or confronted that keeps me from being normal. Something that keeps be grasping at straws trying to figure out who I am by crossdressing and now thinking I'm trans. I don't know what that could be, but she could be right. Maybe I should be seeing a regular shrink instead of a GD.
So there you have it. My head isn't in a good place. You might describe it as a dark and stinky place. lol I'll get it pulled back out one of these days and be better, but I'm okay, not good, but okay.
So pull you head out of your bad place and hold it up high. Despite that ignorant response from your daughter, you are still a worthwhile human being who is deserving of a daughters respect if nothing else. Most reasonable people don't react the way your daughter did...don't be disheartened, time can be a great healer. Keep the channels open as difficult as that can be...
I am sure you will work this out
Liz
Just saw this on social media. My daughter wrote:
"My heart is breaking for my children who are confused and sad and broken-hearted over devastating news they just received about someone they love very much (our immediate family are all ok). It's not something we wish to share publicly, but my family could use a lot of prayers."
I'm waiting for the questions from mutual friends and relatives to start.
QuoteBut what is getting me down most is a feeling that I have once again failed her as a dad. I've shocked her and made her sad again. I'm a disappointment and now likely an embarrassment. It just another failure in a long line of failures. I've failed as a dad, failed as a protector, as a husband, and as a man. She could be right. I could have some long time issue, something missing that I haven't discovered or confronted that keeps me from being normal. Something that keeps be grasping at straws trying to figure out who I am by crossdressing and now thinking I'm trans. I don't know what that could be, but she could be right. Maybe I should be seeing a regular shrink instead of a GD.
I'm so sorry this happened, and your latest news doesn't sound very good, either. Being kicked down by our own family members is hard. Trying to deal with multiple blows is very hard.
Jeanette, try and make some time to spend with a sympathetic person, someone who will listen to you and help you through this. It's hard to deal with multiple blows to our psyches at the same time. I just went through this a couple weeks ago, and know how hard it can be.
Dena is absolutely right. You had to do this, no other real choice, really.
Your daughter is hitting you with this junk because she's like most people, without understanding of what having to submerge our gender identity for decades is like, and how it corrodes our very soul. She's trying to relate it to things she can understand, and misinterpreting what is actually going on. Buying into her misinterpretation does you no good.
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 26, 2017, 05:29:33 PM
..."My heart is breaking for my children who are confused and sad and broken-hearted over devastating news they just received about someone they love very much (our immediate family are all ok). It's not something we wish to share publicly, but my family could use a lot of prayers."
I'm waiting for the questions from mutual friends and relatives to start.
Jeannette, I'm so sorry your daughter is outing you to the larger social circle without your being given the opportunity to say it yourself, when you're ready. She may pretend she's not outing you, but as you said, the mutual friends and relatives will be asking.
You may just need to rip off the bandaid now, and be up front with anyone who asks. There's probably no hiding it now.
You have our support however you choose to face this. You are strong and you have a lot of friends here. We all care about you, and many have been through this themselves. Take care.
Love,
Randy
I also meant to say, your grandchildren's alleged reaction is probably very much coming from your daughter. I don't think most kids that age really care that much about gender issues. They live in a very different world than do adults. I suspect if you had them out for a social day with you, they'd have very little problem with you or your gender.
Love,
Randy
Thanks Dena, Kathy, Liz, Alanna, shy, Randy and Michelle.
I've got myself under control again, but it did hurt. If someone does ask I'll deal with it then. I'm an old hand at never doing today what I can put off until tomorrow.
As for my grand kids I can understand confused. I'm not so sure about sad, as I don't see what there is to be sad about. Unless they believe they won't be able to see me again. That could be the "devastating news" my daughter and her husband told them I suppose but I do not know that. I haven't been told anything yet. When I do get told what they've I'll figure out how to deal with it then.
Will someone please tell me to stop being a dang "Drama Queen" when I go off like that?
In the mean time I have a pickup to have checked out before I can go for a ride. Details yet to come but I have to be back by the 10th for my GT appointment. Probably Missouri and fitchin.
Hugs,
Jeanette
:icon_chainsaw: :icon_chainsaw: :icon_boxing: :icon_boxing: :icon_boxing:
Stop Being "Drama Queen"....too soon?
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
You know one of us was going to do it!!!
::) ::) ::) ;D
I meant NEXT time , Liz, next time!
*sigh*
Hugs,
Jeanette
L.O.L. .....
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 26, 2017, 01:50:52 PM
I could have some long time issue, something missing that I haven't discovered or confronted that keeps me from being normal.
Normal*? . . . and what is that exactly? :)
*I've never met a "normal" person in my whole long life.
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 26, 2017, 05:29:33 PM
Just saw this on social media. My daughter wrote:
"My heart is breaking for my children who are confused and sad and broken-hearted over devastating news they just received about someone they love very much (our immediate family are all ok). It's not something we wish to share publicly, but my family could use a lot of prayers."
I'm waiting for the questions from mutual friends and relatives to start.
Last night I sent a PM to my daughter in response the the above. I can understand the confusion but the rest hurt. This is how I responded.
"sad and broken-hearted over devastating news" Did you tell them I died?... I am sorry I failed you once again, am an embarrassment to you, and made life harder for you at a time when you have enough burdens to bear. I love you and everyone there. I'm sorry for the hurt.
I haven't heard from her at all since I returned home from her place. Nothing regarding how they want to proceed nor on response to my PM. I am not going to dwell on it any longer. She will let me know where we go from here or not. I've done my part.
Now where's that bottle of red wine and box of chocolates?
Hugs,
Jeanette
Good for you Jeanette, sometimes the doormat approach doesn't work. At any rate, don't go quietly into that good night. Good job for standing up for yourself! I might also let her know that it's not her job to be the town crier with information that was shared in confidence.
Quote from: jentay1367 on March 27, 2017, 03:02:46 PM
it's not her job to be the town crier with information that was shared in confidence.
Technically she hasn't yet. I am surprised I haven't been asked what is going on by others yet. I think it's only a matter of time though. I'll cross that bridge when it does.
Thanks Jen,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 27, 2017, 08:52:16 AM
::) ::) ::) ;D
I meant NEXT time , Liz, next time!
*sigh*
Hugs,
Jeanette
I never was good with instructions :icon_bunch:
;D
Liz
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 27, 2017, 02:45:16 PM
Last night I sent a PM to my daughter in response the the above. I can understand the confusion but the rest hurt. This is how I responded.
"sad and broken-hearted over devastating news" Did you tell them I died?... I am sorry I failed you once again, am an embarrassment to you, and made life harder for you at a time when you have enough burdens to bear. I love you and everyone there. I'm sorry for the hurt.
I haven't heard from her at all since I returned home from her place. Nothing regarding how they want to proceed nor on response to my PM. I am not going to dwell on it any longer. She will let me know where we go from here or not. I've done my part.
Now where's that bottle of red wine and box of chocolates?
Hugs,
Jeanette
It is tough when you have to call you own out on stuff. You can't do much more than you have. Keeping the lines of communication open like you have is always a good thing...apart from that what else can you practically do. No more than you already have.
Liz
I'm so sorry about what happened with this. I simply can't understand why people is so frightened and embarrassed with trans people, it's so easy just to accept the other just as they truly are and feel. I suppose patterns and gender roles are powerful...
It seems it's going to be a tough time, but it's precisely a matter of time and you'll end being what you want, no one can tell you what to be or what to feel, and you have our support for this!
Hugs,
Q.
Thanks Liz and Q,
Where my daughter apparently put the matter into the hands of God and has asked for prayers as is her choice, I decided to not dwell on it and let it play out as it will. My distress over it does me no good at all so I will move on
to my next challenge.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 28, 2017, 10:38:49 AM
Thanks Liz and Q,
Where my daughter apparently put the matter into the hands of God and has asked for prayers as is her choice, I decided to not dwell on it and let it play out as it will. My distress over it does me no good at all so I will move on
to my next challenge.
Hugs,
Jeanette
I assume you have been to AA for your struggle with alcoholism. As an alcoholic you may be aware that in AA we have a saying (well a whole bunch of sayings actually, like one day at a time, for example) that goes: We are as sick as our secrets. We use these sayings to keep us sober. For me I relate that saying to my really, really big secret (well, used to be a secret, not so much anymore). AA is not just a way of staying sober but is also a spiritual path to the God of our understanding. It sounds like you have made an amends with your daughter (Step 8 ) since you told her you know you have disappointed her in the past. Perhaps its time to let her know that you have your own spirituality. That you accept her religion/spirituality and that you ask her to extend to you the same understanding. Maybe let her know that accepting your transgender nature is your way of making a final amends. To yourself.
I have been following your story, Jeannette, and it's very troubling what your daughter posted about your grandkids' reactions. It's so evident from your posts here that you love your "monskers!" I am 99% sure that whatever sadness/devastation the younger kids are feeling right now has to do with the way things were presented to them. They will grow up in a world more tolerant of trans people than at any other point in history--so don't lose hope for them. Even your daughter and her husband could come around. This is all still very fresh to them. Keeping you in my thoughts, Jeanette. :-*
Quote from: Jane Emily on March 28, 2017, 12:29:27 PM
I assume you have been to AA for your struggle with alcoholism. As an alcoholic you may be aware that in AA we have a saying (well a whole bunch of sayings actually, like one day at a time, for example) that goes: We are as sick as our secrets. We use these sayings to keep us sober. For me I relate that saying to my really, really big secret (well, used to be a secret, not so much anymore). AA is not just a way of staying sober but is also a spiritual path to the God of our understanding. It sounds like you have made an amends with your daughter (Step 8 ) since you told her you know you have disappointed her in the past. Perhaps its time to let her know that you have your own spirituality. That you accept her religion/spirituality and that you ask her to extend to you the same understanding. Maybe let her know that accepting your transgender nature is your way of making a final amends. To yourself.
Yes Jane, AA gives us a lot of saying and tools to use in recovery and in life. I made my amends to my daughter years ago but as you probably suspect it was incomplete. With this last conversation I feel I have rectified that short coming. My daughter is fully aware of my personal belief regarding spirituality and how it differs from hers.
I think I have reached that point where another of those sayings apply, "Let go, let God"
Hugs for you Jane, And thanks too
Jeanette
Quote from: p on March 28, 2017, 03:05:46 PM
I have been following your story, Jeannette, and it's very troubling what your daughter posted about your grandkids' reactions. It's so evident from your posts here that you love your "monskers!" I am 99% sure that whatever sadness/devastation the younger kids are feeling right now has to do with the way things were presented to them. They will grow up in a world more tolerant of trans people than at any other point in history--so don't lose hope for them. Even your daughter and her husband could come around. This is all still very fresh to them. Keeping you in my thoughts, Jeanette. :-*
Thank you p,
Yes, I love my monskers and my daughter and her husband very much. But I am resolved not to argue, fight, or otherwise interfere with however they decide to cope with me being trans. That will be there choice and I will respect it. I will be here if she chooses to reach out.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Just a suggestion of course, but you might write a letter to your daughter with all your thoughts organized and well thought out, so at the very least she's clear on A. your love for her, b. your resolve regarding your own life and C. Hopes for the future of your relationship with her and the "Monskers". :)
It's sometimes a help if everyone knows where each other stands. Writing things makes it a little more real and lends you the opportunity to be more succinct and pointed.
She may then be prompted to write you as well, and share things she may not otherwise divulge in a face to face as well as without Scott being present. He may motivate some of her reaction. Who can know.
Anyway, I think you're handling everything in a very calm and mature manner. It's the best you can do. Hoping it all falls together for you!
Quote from: jentay1367 on March 28, 2017, 05:20:48 PM
Just a suggestion of course, but you might write a letter to your daughter with all your thoughts organized and well thought out,...
She may then be prompted to write you as well, and share things she may not otherwise divulge in a face to face as well as without Scott being present. He may motivate some of her reaction. Who can know.
Anyway, I think you're handling everything in a very calm and mature manner. It's the best you can do. Hoping it all falls together for you!
Thank you Jen,
I will think about the letter but I am not much on writing. As for Scott influencing her goes I think Scott was the more reasonable and nonjudgmental of the two about it. My daughter was the one that spoke her mind and was pretty clear in conveying what she thought. I do think Scott agreed with what she said though. What they discussed about it after I left I of course have no idea.
"handling everything in a very calm and mature manner."? You must have missed my first posts on this subject. But yes I have calmed down and gained control. At least for now.
I don't have to like it, to try to accept it.
Thanks again Jen. Hugs for you and thanks for the support.
Jeanette.
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 28, 2017, 05:36:27 PM
....I don't have to like it, to try to accept it.....
Jeanette.
Unfortunately for the moment you are really left with very little option. I know with my parents when it was difficult, but no matter how angry they made me I kept going back to them leaving the door of communication open as I am sure you have...
when it came down to the nitty gritty it was about a perception of how I would look and sound that kept my father at a distance....when he thought about me and transition he thought about a drag queen...once someone put him right on this then it blew his whole bigotry thing to bits...
I don't know if this kind of thing may happen with your daughter but patience is all we have when they are unreasonable,
Liz
You are a reasonable good poster on the forum however if you want, you can work out a draft and run it by the members. The members are often helpful polishing up a letter by providing suggestions. If your not sure where to start, outline what the family already knows and maybe we can provide facts you may have overlooked.
Thank you Liz for the letter idea and Dena for the proof reading offer.
Truth be told I do not think it would do any good. If there is one thing my daughter inherited from me it is her stubbornness. She has it in her head that Dad is broke an only God can fix him. She won't rub my face in it but that is her stand and she isn't about to give it up. She also knows that Dad has rejected her concept of God and is not likely to change his attitude either. It will not however stop her from praying for my salvation. This differing view has been a long standing stalemate between us since we reestablished our relationship.
Prior to my revelation the issue was a low key agreement to disagree as only my everlasting soul was at stake. What I have done by telling her I am trans is escalated the issue to a much higher level and now it affects her children in what she obviously believes is a negative way. Hence her words; "My heart is breaking for my children who are confused and sad and broken-hearted over devastating news they just received".
No, I think a letter from me will only exacerbate the situation more.
Jeanette
Jeanette,
I have been reading here, but haven't posted because I didn't want to say the wrong thing when it comes to a difficult family situation. You must handle it as you think best. I would like to offer an impression that I have. Dismiss it if you want and please don't take offense. I feel like I see your situation as the old movie where the main character is standing trial for something, but won't offer a defense. They have done nothing wrong, but either they feel guilty about the situation or they are afraid they will hurt a loved one by defending them self. I, as the viewer, keep rooting for that main character to tell their story. I don't know if it would help to write that letter, it might not. Maybe it isn't the right time. I do think that it would be a shame if the only story out there is one devoid of factual information. One that doesn't tell how hard you have tried to run from being trans. One that doesn't treat you as a human being. I also wonder if you don't defend yourself and you show so much guilt and remorse, that it will convince her that she is right.
Well no offense intended, I just thought it might be a way to look at it.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on March 28, 2017, 09:27:22 PM
Jeanette,
I have been reading here, but haven't posted because I didn't want to say the wrong thing when it comes to a difficult family situation. You must handle it as you think best. I would like to offer an impression that I have. Dismiss it if you want and please don't take offense. I feel like I see your situation as the old movie where the main character is standing trial for something, but won't offer a defense. They have done nothing wrong, but either they feel guilty about the situation or they are afraid they will hurt a loved one by defending them self. I, as the viewer, keep rooting for that main character to tell their story. I don't know if it would help to write that letter, it might not. Maybe it isn't the right time. I do think that it would be a shame if the only story out there is one devoid of factual information. One that doesn't tell how hard you have tried to run from being trans. One that doesn't treat you as a human being. I also wonder if you don't defend yourself and you show so much guilt and remorse, that it will convince her that she is right.
Well no offense intended, I just thought it might be a way to look at it.
Moni
Hi Moni And I welcome your comments as I do the others that have tried to help here. This site and all of you in it that strive to help myself and others here have been of great help to me many times and in many ways.
I thank you for your observations and thoughts on this situation too.
I've seen those old movies and they usually have happy endings but this isn't Hollywood. It probably does look like I am giving up without a defense but it is a battle I cannot win. I stated my case to her, told her how I feel and explained that I believe my being trans is the reasons behind my lifelong crossdressing, told her of wishing I was born a girl and my envy of my sisters for being girls and getting to do the things I wanted to be able to do. I told her the "why" of why I do not want presents at Christmas. It comes from year after year of never getting what I wanted for gifts and knowing I'd never get them because I was born a boy. And having to watch my 5 sisters opening the gifts I wanted but couldn't have. I told her how I bought and purged female clothing and makeup again and again. I told her of the guilt and shame I felt for being a pervert. Told of of researching in the libraries to find out what was wrong with me. I told her how I swore off dressing uncountable times only to return in shame because I could not stop. I told her how I feel like a failure as a husband, a father, and a man.
I told her how I didn't have to think twice about taking my HRT meds when I obtained them. About how I do not feel I am wrong for doing them. I told her about going to a psychiatrist when I have always disdained them and how being diagnosed with gender dysphoria actually pleased me. I told her I was now seeing a gender therapist. I told her again I thought I was doing what was right for me.
There was my defense, my best shot at getting her acceptance. It did me no good.
I lost the battle on two unbeatable fronts.
1. Her religious beliefs By that I mean she told me she believes there was something wrong or missing in my life when I was a child and only by coming to believe in the God of her understanding will I be made whole again. Okay it might not be quite that dramatic but it's not far off.
2. Have your heard of ACA or ACOA? It is a support group for "Adult children of Alcoholic/ dysfunction families" she is or was a member. It is a 12 step program similar to AA with the basic premise that they were damaged by their family. Basically they believe their problems are not of the doing but rather because of their home life at the hands of their alcoholic family member ot the dysfunctional family life. In her case er problems she had were my fault. Though we only discussed things one or twice that is how she it came across. I do not think she has ever forgiven me for my part in ruining her life and here I go doing again.
So Moni, I truly can see where you could think i am not mounting a defense. Not fighting back. But I did give it my best effort and I lost. Pressing the issue more isn't going to help anything. I can leave it up to her and hope for a change of heart. I cannot push her into thinking differently. She will have to do that for herself.
What I can do is be here for her if she chooses to reach out again. I am sure she is hurting once again.
I am too.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Every bird must fly the nest and make their own way in life eventually. Unfortunately in many peoples eyes we are the ugly ducklings but that doesn't stop us turning into very fine swans indeed. Give it time Jeanette, it's been a lot for everyone to take in.
Peace and love and all that good stuff
Shy.
I decided to participate in a survey today. Towards the end they wanted to collect some demographic data as many do. The did not ask what gender I was, rather they asked what gender I identified with? I promptly answer female. Other questions probed a little further. My answers indicated I was transgender, considered myself heterosexual and transgender male to female.
I know I have said the same thing here and to my doctors but it still felt a little strange doing so on a survey. Sort of like I was putting it in writing so to speak, confirming it's truth. I know it's silly but it did feel weird. Several months ago I would have been denying it.
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on March 28, 2017, 11:11:10 PM
Hi Moni And I welcome your comments as I do the others that have tried to help here. This site and all of you in it that strive to help myself and others here have been of great help to me many times and in many ways.
I thank you for your observations and thoughts on this situation too.
I've seen those old movies and they usually have happy endings but this isn't Hollywood. It probably does look like I am giving up without a defense but it is a battle I cannot win. I stated my case to her, told her how I feel and explained that I believe my being trans is the reasons behind my lifelong crossdressing, told her of wishing I was born a girl and my envy of my sisters for being girls and getting to do the things I wanted to be able to do. I told her the "why" of why I do not want presents at Christmas. It comes from year after year of never getting what I wanted for gifts and knowing I'd never get them because I was born a boy. And having to watch my 5 sisters opening the gifts I wanted but couldn't have. I told her how I bought and purged female clothing and makeup again and again. I told her of the guilt and shame I felt for being a pervert. Told of of researching in the libraries to find out what was wrong with me. I told her how I swore off dressing uncountable times only to return in shame because I could not stop. I told her how I feel like a failure as a husband, a father, and a man.
I told her how I didn't have to think twice about taking my HRT meds when I obtained them. About how I do not feel I am wrong for doing them. I told her about going to a psychiatrist when I have always disdained them and how being diagnosed with gender dysphoria actually pleased me. I told her I was now seeing a gender therapist. I told her again I thought I was doing what was right for me.
There was my defense, my best shot at getting her acceptance. It did me no good.
I lost the battle on two unbeatable fronts.
1. Her religious beliefs By that I mean she told me she believes there was something wrong or missing in my life when I was a child and only by coming to believe in the God of her understanding will I be made whole again. Okay it might not be quite that dramatic but it's not far off.
2. Have your heard of ACA or ACOA? It is a support group for "Adult children of Alcoholic/ dysfunction families" she is or was a member. It is a 12 step program similar to AA with the basic premise that they were damaged by their family. Basically they believe their problems are not of the doing but rather because of their home life at the hands of their alcoholic family member ot the dysfunctional family life. In her case er problems she had were my fault. Though we only discussed things one or twice that is how she it came across. I do not think she has ever forgiven me for my part in ruining her life and here I go doing again.
So Moni, I truly can see where you could think i am not mounting a defense. Not fighting back. But I did give it my best effort and I lost. Pressing the issue more isn't going to help anything. I can leave it up to her and hope for a change of heart. I cannot push her into thinking differently. She will have to do that for herself.
What I can do is be here for her if she chooses to reach out again. I am sure she is hurting once again.
I am too.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Jeanette,
I know someone who has OCD very very badly. They struggled with it for years. They also had a strained relationship with their close relatives. Somehow the relatives ended up with all the blame for her OCD. They were not perfect, but what relative or parent is? Sometimes the child has to realize they are now an adult and take the responsibility on themselves. It is part of maturity and moving on. You may have done things to feel guilty for. I certainly did as a parent. I had so much anger, and I regret every second. Your daughter was at a decent place with you a month ago. If she had to do some work to get to that place, maybe she is capable of finding her way back again. I disagree with you a little though. If she has such a hard time with you being transgender, it was not you who made the situation hard, she was more a victim of the religion or ACA teaching. My opinion.
I think, from what you wrote, that you did state your case well. I still think it could make her feel justified in her attitude if you act like you are doing her a great disservice now. Either it is okay to be trans or it is not. You are not doing anything wrong. It may seem like a subtle difference, but being sorry she is stressed is very different from, "I ruined your life because I am trans." I personally think you are awesome and I really hope she comes to her senses.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on March 29, 2017, 04:44:42 PM
I disagree with you a little though. If she has such a hard time with you being transgender, it was not you who made the situation hard, she was more a victim of the religion or ACA teaching.
Perhaps Moni I wasn't very clear I do not feel apologetic in this. I feel defeated in my efforts with her because of her religious stance and her ACA doctrine of assigning fault for her problems elsewhere. In AA one accepts responsibility for one's own actions and makes amends to those you harmed by them. Forgiveness from those you make amends to is not required that is up to them, your attempt to make the amends is what is important. Further you are not responsible for the actions of anyone else.
I did my part by telling her about myself. She has chosen not to accept it. It saddened, no it hurt me. But I cannot compel her to do otherwise. I was upset but I'm not now and I am not angry, nor do I feel guilty. I will be here if and when she chooses to reach out. Remember I have not heard from them since I came home. They could very well still be working on a decision.
In any case I am trans. I cannot stop that any more than I could stop crossdressing all these years.
I'm okay with it, Moni really.
Hugs
Jeanette
Moni
Jeanette,
Sorry if I misunderstood. I get more of a sense of your strength with each post I read. You have a great attitude in a difficult situation.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on March 29, 2017, 08:04:15 PM
Jeanette,
Sorry if I misunderstood. I get more of a sense of your strength with each post I read. You have a great attitude in a difficult situation.
Moni
My dear Moni,
I think you may have had help. I was certainly upset, distraught and feeling sorry for myself over my daughter's response. I could very well have given that impression that I felt it was all my fault. But it could also been in the way I was trying to explain ACA. or even in my pm to her. But no I am not going to wallow in self pity or take responsibility for her response. I was, no am not wrong for being trans , accepting it finally and getting help to deal with it.
Don't worry Moni, I still luvs ya! ((((HUG)))) LOL
Jeanette
Jeanette,
Hugs, oh my yes! I am proud of you Girl, you are owning it.
Moni
I've decided to go for a ride. If I get packed up I will probably be on the road sometime tomorrow. What that means is I'm going to get into my pickup and mosey on down the road. What direction? I'm not sure yet. How long will I be gone? Again I don't know yet. When I go for rides I make turns on a whim usually traveling the old highways that got through little towns and through the countrysides. I have been know to utilize dirt roads at times too. I stop for food and making pit stops. I sleep in my pickup. No motels for me.
I do have a destination in mind as I have 3 fishing poles I bought for a good friend of mine at his request. He did not ask for delivery but that is where I'm heading. So I am Missouri bound. Jim and Peggy are family to me. They sort of adopted me after I became Jim AA sponsor and after another small incident when Jim, his oldest son, another kid and myself went hunting. Jim's son had a seizure out in the middle of nowhere and quit breathing. I was the only one that was able to stay calm and got everyone into my pickup after he started breathing again and got him to a hospital. So yeah the kind of like me. I hope that doesn't change after I come out to them. Yes, that's another motive for going to see them. If I said I wasn't fearful about doing it I'd be lying.
I don't have to return until the 10th because I have another appointment with my gender therapist on the 11th. Hopefully I'll have a success story to tell him.
I will take my laptop with me and my phone so I may be able to give some progress reports.
Hugs all,
Jeanette
The road is a wonderful place to think.....or just drive. Spring is here. Catch some fish and ponder. Look forward to reading of your exploits, Jeanette. Be well and most of all, have fun.
Why don't you have yourself a little "transition holiday" and just think about you for a change, no procedures, no Drs, no specialists..... just good company and people you love. Enjoy your road trip
Liz
Wishing you a lovely trip, Jeanette! My favorite thing about a long drive is singing along to the radio AS LOUD AS I WANT! Drive safely and enjoy. Love you, J!
If I was closer I would service your truck, I have a 68 vw panel van that I have owned for 18 years and as it is 50 this year its getting a rebuild. The point is when I retire in 4years then that's my road trips. Have a lovely time and adventure. Go for it (I love camping) XX D
Thanks everyone,
On the road (finally) heading south for a bit ..
Hugs,
Jeanette
Got a later start than I might have liked so I took I-5 south about 275 miles stopping at In-n-out for a double double burger. First one in at least 15yrs. Still darn good. Spring id in Oregon new green fields, budding trees, wild flowers. Sheep with lambs, cows with calves, a few deer. Stayed on the freeway since it was getting dark and turned east at Sacramento, Ca. Caught about 3 hours sleep at a pullout east of Reno, Nevada. Came across a 18 wheeler on it's side this morning in the hills with emergency crews directing traffic through the accident scene. Ran into domr snoe covered road in a couple places. Now about 1100 miles driven to get here... Here is the middle of nowhere in a snow covered Nevada desert. Dtill eastbound.
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If you're on the route I imagine...you'll be going through Winnemucca soon! Gawd I love that drive. Hope you're having a good time, Jeanette.
Oh btw I found my 2 lane highway this morning with the dawn in Fallon, Nv. Hugs, Jeanette
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Watch out for one-armed bandits.
Hope you feeling better today, its amazing what a change in scenery will do for your soul
Liz
Bypassed them Jane
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Nope Jen. I took I-93 Down To Fallon to catch to Fallon to catch I-50 east. Saw an 18 wheeler on it's side this morning with emergency crews directing traffic through the accident scene. Later saw 2 cars rolled over in the medium from a hail storm that just went through. Nothing much more than high desert with fluffy white stuff and rain today. 1500 miles down and almost into Colorado. Still heading east on I70 atm.
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Pretty country, Jeanette. I'm jelly! Love me a roadtrip! Hope you're having a good time and getting some peace and quiet. Thanks for the updates. Gives us an opportunity to live a little vicariously through you. Be safe!
I hope you're enjoying your trip and feeling better! :)
Be safe in the road!
Hi everyone
Sorry this update is so late. I made it to Missouri about 10PM tonight local time. Weather was not cooperating at all. Last night I had to turn around in western Colorado twice and retrace my steps due to it snowing so hard I could not see the road right in front of my pickup. I was thwarted first east of Montrose then again north of Delta trying to take a shortcut to I-70. I eventually went all the way back to Grand Junction and then got on I-70 to wards Denver. After losing about 5 hours I made it through the pass and was suddenly driving on thick slush and got road dirt covering my wind shield. The washer unit was frozen and not working. Had to stop twice to clean it enough to get to the next exit and but deicer fluid for it and get it working. The rest of the night and today was driving in snow and rain. Have to replace the driver side wipe now. Today's drive was somewhat of a bust. *sigh*
I made it to my friends house to find them gone to Springfield so I went in and made myself at home. Don't worry they would have hollered at me if I hadn't done so. They arrived home within an hour and were surprised to find me here. Nope I didn't tell them I was coming. It just would not have been right. Their daughter knew I was going to visit and held keep it a secret
Speaking of secrets.... They now know mine. Yup, I came clean to them tonight. They tell me I can't make them stop loving me after all these years. SUCCESS !! Yes I've got tears in my eyes again.
I guess it's a new fishing license tomorrow and off to the river with Jim. He says Tuesday is golf.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Wonderful news Jeanette :) Best catch of the day! Have fun by the river and enjoy good company.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Shy
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 02, 2017, 01:40:48 AMToday's drive was somewhat of a bust. *sigh*
It's not a proper road trip without a bit of adventure.
Quote
They tell me I can't make them stop loving me after all these years. SUCCESS !! Yes I've got tears in my eyes again.
You chose your friends wisely! Yay!
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 02, 2017, 06:45:18 AM
You chose your friends wisely! Yay!
My coming out to them was almost anti climatic. No shock, no questions, no big deal at all, just acceptance.
That's nice to have friends like that, btw enjoying warm sunshine its made me put on a thin shirt dress and sandals (inside of course). What type of fish you catching or is it a long sit and beers!!!!!!
No fishing yet, probably a little later after we get the license for me. We will be walking the little river/ big creek using rooster tails for white bass, bass, cat fish, gar, perch etc. Pretty much anything that might grace our lures. I know we'll be wet. That's one other the reasons I came out to the last night. It saved having to explain shaved legs in my cutoffs. Wet t-shirt contests came to mind. You can say my transition is going to become apparent. Oh well. lol
Hugs,
Jeanette
I am so glad that your friends were accepting and supportive, Jeanette! Hugs!
Thanks p, Shy, Kathy and Davina. Yes, these are real good friends and I needed a success after the less enthusiastic reception from my daughter. Got my license tonight and will likely go wading tomorrow. I'm envisioning a cold and wet outing. Will probably feel like entering a wet t-shirt contest. *sigh* At least I don't need hide from them now.
Hugs,
Jeanette
One more brick removed from your wall...won't be long before its completely gone. Chin up you are doing great. You are allowed to be a "work in progress"
Sounds like you are in for a nice relaxing time.
Liz
I'm so glad to hear they have your back! Couldn't have hoped for a better outcome thats so great.. Hope you have a wonderful rest of your trip
<3
Fishing? Why I bet you fish like a girl! Agh.... Awesome! Thinking of you, Miss J.!
Moni
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 02, 2017, 01:40:48 AM
Hi everyone
Sorry this update is so late. I made it to Missouri about 10PM tonight local time. Weather was not cooperating at all. Last night I had to turn around in western Colorado twice and retrace my steps due to it snowing so hard I could not see the road right in front of my pickup. I was thwarted first east of Montrose then again north of Delta trying to take a shortcut to I-70. I eventually went all the way back to Grand Junction and then got on I-70 to wards Denver. After losing about 5 hours I made it through the pass and was suddenly driving on thick slush and got road dirt covering my wind shield. The washer unit was frozen and not working. Had to stop twice to clean it enough to get to the next exit and but deicer fluid for it and get it working. The rest of the night and today was driving in snow and rain. Have to replace the driver side wipe now. Today's drive was somewhat of a bust. *sigh*
I made it to my friends house to find them gone to Springfield so I went in and made myself at home. Don't worry they would have hollered at me if I hadn't done so. They arrived home within an hour and were surprised to find me here. Nope I didn't tell them I was coming. It just would not have been right. Their daughter knew I was going to visit and held keep it a secret
Speaking of secrets.... They now know mine. Yup, I came clean to them tonight. They tell me I can't make them stop loving me after all these years. SUCCESS !! Yes I've got tears in my eyes again.
I guess it's a new fishing license tomorrow and off to the river with Jim. He says Tuesday is golf.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Yay! You were due for and deserved that win. Hope you're having fun with what are very obviously, wonderful friends.
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 03, 2017, 07:07:21 PM
Fishing? Why I bet you fish like a girl! Agh.... Awesome! Thinking of you, Miss J.!
Moni
Hi everyone,
It stopped raining long enough for Jim and I to get out fishing for several hours.
Moni, I'm not sure what it means to "Fish like a girl' If it means walking the creeks and rivers wading in the water without waders, then yes, I (and Jim) fish like girls though I don't think he would like the description. When Jim and I go fishing it is usually a safe bet that we are coming home soaked.
I managed to catch 5 small bass ans Jim caught bass, perch, and a crappie. They were all to small to keep and we usually don't keep them anyway. We manage to get home and cleaned up (only found one tick crawling on me this time) in time for Jim, Peggy and their son to get to their bowling league and dinner at the bowling alley.
A storm blew in while they were bowling and it was pouring down rain with impressive thunder and lightening when we left. Fortunately all the tornado watches were well south of us.. It was hardly raining by the time we got home.
Will probably heading home on Friday evening or Saturday morning so I can have a day to rest up before going to my therapy appointment on Tuesday. That's the update for today.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Sounds like a fun day of fishing! Enjoy the rest of your visit. Love, P
Hi everyone,
Well we didn't go fishing yesterday due to the wind blowing quite a bit. I chilled by catching up on the forum after cooking breakfast again. I am usually pressed into cooking breakfast wherever I visit my friends. They seem to enjoy my cooking. I cook my own breakfast every day at home and post pictures on facebook. If I don't for a couple days then phones start ringing and search parties start forming. This morning I cooked Fried eggs, pork sausage with sauteed mushrooms, fried veggies consisting of taters, 3 color peppers, and onions, with salted tomatoes on the side.
We took a trip into Springfield for supper at Hinode's on of them Japanese hibachi style dinner places. Steak and salmon was my choice along with fried rice, noodles, and veggies.
I will start rounding up my things and packing my pickup for the trip home shortly. Once that gets done it'll will be a shower and then my goodbyes before hitting the road again. I hope the weather is better on the way back than it was on the way here. I'll probably stick to the more well traveled roads just in case but may stray if the inclination hits me. After all I don't have any plans at home until Tuesday when I go see my therapist again. This time I will have my coming out to my daughter and to my friends here to talk about. Two diametrically opposed experiences.
That's about it for this update'
Hugs,
Jeanette
Hey Girlfriend,
so good to see that you have availed yourself of ongoing support here. Goodness knows we all need our friends to rally around and you had a too typically negative family response to coming out. With time and reflection some of our shocked friends and family can regain some composure and compassion but I don't hold my breath waiting ;)
You're missing a terrific storm out here on the Coast :D
Quote from: Tessa James on April 07, 2017, 01:04:53 PM
Hey Girlfriend,
so good to see that you have availed yourself of ongoing support here.
You're missing a terrific storm out here on the Coast :D
Yes, Tessa. I am not sure I could really do much of this without the support of everyone here. Good or bad, up or down I come here to share what is happening. It helps both ways. I left home feeling a bit low and needed a getaway. It's not the road trip I was planning but it has done the trick. With the response I got from my friends here I am returning in much better spirits.
I have seen a video online of the winds blowing in Mollala and I will probably run into some of your storm leftovers on the way home. Weather was lousy coming out here but is a real nice day now that I have to head home.
Hugs,
Jeanette
I made it back home again without incident to find my sister not home. Her son called me while I was on the road to tell me she was taken to the hospital Friday with another breathing problem. Word is she may be coming home today. She has asthma and emphysema. Last time she was in for a week and came home permanently on oxygen and with a new nebulizer to use. One of these trips she isn't going to make it.
Also got a rent increase letter $300.00/mo more. Knew this one was coming, just didn't know how much.
Maybe I should have stayed away.
Sorry for your sister, that's what killed my dad and its not nice (then my mum says people get what they deserve, no comment!!!! ) . bummer on the rent that's a bag of grocery's a week ?
Thanks Davina,
Yeah, in a way I have to agree with your mom. My sister has a long history of hospital emergency visits for her breathing issue but she didn't quit smoking until that last visit when she was put on oxygen. Still she is my sister and I gotta love her anyway.
The rent increase is 30%. I should see about moving to Missouri when I can buy a house for 500.00 a month. Hospitals are keeping me here both mine and my sister's. If it was just me I probably would move though the VA hospital is about an hour away in Kansas, city.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 09, 2017, 01:30:51 PM
Thanks Davina,
Yeah, in a way I have to agree with your mom. My sister has a long history of hospital emergency visits for her breathing issue but she didn't quit smoking until that last visit when she was put on oxygen. Still she is my sister and I gotta love her anyway.
The rent increase is 30%. I should see about moving to Missouri when I can buy a house for 500.00 a month. Hospitals are keeping me here both mine and my sister's. If it was just me I probably would move though the VA hospital is about an hour away in Kansas, city.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Be very careful considering moving here to Missouri, Jeanette. Rent and Mortgages may be cheap, but I can't get a Drivers License in My name with my picture till I've had GCS.....Doctor's are generally unsympathetic and you can forget Insurance carriers being of any help. I'm going to have to use a friend's address in Kansas to get a Drivers License and as you can imagine, that creates all kinds of fun logistic issues. The younger generation is good with all, but there's still quite a few narrow minded individuals in this neck of the woods. What you have as advantage one hand, you lose in spades on another. I can imagine few better places to transition than Oregon.
Quote from: jentay1367 on April 10, 2017, 08:55:04 AM
I can imagine few better places to transition than Oregon.
Ontario, Manitoba, British Columbia... too name just a few ;)
Let me know when Americans get to come up and do that, Ash. I'll be donning my winter wear and heading north as soon as I can, got a spare room? L.O.L. ;)
I would love to see you someday :D!
Ohhh I'm not going anywhere, or at least not yet. I may have to move to a different place but I do like Oregon. I am close to the VA hospital here and they've been taking pretty good care of me with my cancer worries and mt gender issues so far. My sister is also near hospitals here and getting her to one quickly has been a priority a couple times. She had to be taken to one only a mile away once because the ambulance crew didn't think she would make it to the Kaiser on 15 miles away. So hospitals are a pretty important considerations to us. We even have an SRS doctor in Portland. Oregon is a more trans friendly place than a lot of other places and it isn't likely to change anytime soon with our lesbian Governor. Rents are getting way out of control though.
Jentay, Missouri is tempting for fishing and low housing costs. Plus my friends live there. It does tend to get more snow and cold there too.
Canada wouldn't work Ashley because I would freeze to death the first winter.
On a different note, due to my sister not being home I was able to get up this morning, change out of my nightie and put on my bra, red & black top and slim woman's jeans with sandals, Shaved and put on my wig and earrings then cooked my breakfast. It feels good to dress properly.
Just being wistful and daydreaming of greener pastures.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Oh girl I am sure you will get all that you want soon!! it just take time. Inbox me if you ever wana talk ok :)?
PS: You would only freeze in a Canadian weather dependent on where you live. Back when I grew up in Victoria British Columbia i recall some winters we would not only not get any snow, but we wouldnt even hit the freezing mark. In fact in Janurary in Victoria it is possible to go out jogging in a t-shirt and see trees starting to bloom again :D!.. Places like Winnipeg Manitoba... yeah, they get that massive deep freeze we are famous for ;)
Also... post #200 :D
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 10, 2017, 01:50:25 PM
Ohhh I'm not going anywhere, or at least not yet. I may have to move to a different place but I do like Oregon. I am close to the VA hospital here and they've been taking pretty good care of me with my cancer worries and mt gender issues so far. My sister is also near hospitals here and getting her to one quickly has been a priority a couple times. She had to be taken to one only a mile away once because the ambulance crew didn't think she would make it to the Kaiser on 15 miles away. So hospitals are a pretty important considerations to us. We even have an SRS doctor in Portland. Oregon is a more trans friendly place than a lot of other places and it isn't likely to change anytime soon with our lesbian Governor. Rents are getting way out of control though.
Jentay, Missouri is tempting for fishing and low housing costs. Plus my friends live there. It does tend to get more snow and cold there too.
Canada wouldn't work Ashley because I would freeze to death the first winter.
On a different note, due to my sister not being home I was able to get up this morning, change out of my nightie and put on my bra, red & black top and slim woman's jeans with sandals, Shaved and put on my wig and earrings then cooked my breakfast. It feels good to dress properly.
Just being wistful and daydreaming of greener pastures.
Hugs,
Jeanette
I feel ya' girl...I live on Lake of the Ozarks. Selling her this Spring to fund this stuff
(https://i.gaw.to/wallpapers/0/5/1/05169_2011_Four_Winns_H_Series-1024x768.jpg)
This ones not mine cuz I don't have image hosting, but they're the same. I'm going to miss her. :(
So glad that the trip was a success and that you made it home safely. Sorry to hear that your sister isn't doing well. But on the bright side, it sounds like your time to yourself in the apartment was just lovely and relaxing, and a nice chance to be yourself in your own home. Love, P :-*
Thanks p,
The visit was very good for me. It was so nice to be with friends that were completely non judgemental when I told them. I did not shock them with female dress while I was there though. I did indulge some while traveling there and back. First order of business upon arriving at home was to repaint my toe nails a nice metallic pink and a complete shave of the forest that had sprouted while I was gone. A liberal coating of moisturizer was also in order. It's good to be home again.
My sister is still being kept in the hospital though she sounded better yesterday when we talked. I had to be a little more careful in my attire as my nephew is supposed to drop by to leave here ID and medical cards here for when I go retrieve her. By drop by I mean he walks right in because my sister gave him a key a long time ago and being family her sons walk right in much to my chagrin.
I have an appointment with my therapist today and need to correct a couple statements he made in his notes that aren't quite correct. One of which he has the idea I am dying of cancer fairly soon and am dealing with end of life issues. Yes, I've been told I have terminal cancer twice with only a few months to live. (let me tell you that's the pits to hear) But after undergoing are hard treatment the prognosis was changed to "more that 6 months" I know that doesn't sound much better but that was over 2 years ago and there hasn't been any sign of it returning. I should ask my oncologist if I am still considered terminal. At any rate I put my affairs in order before the treatment but I do not feel I am still dealing with end of life issues. I'm living life while I can.
I also have the experience of coming out to my daughter and her family along with the better coming out to my friends in Missouri to discuss with him.
Well it's almost time to go so I will end this update for now.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Hi Jeanette
Just wrote you a nice long answer but.....
of course the board did one of its refresh things and I lost the lot...so this is the second attempt.
Great to hear that you had a good time with your friends and were able to relax. From what you describe the cancer would appear to be in remission. Lets hope it stays there.
Therapists can be a bit of a double edged sword...I unfortunately am simply going through the motions with mine because I have too see him to get my GCS letter. This appears to be the next looming battle...but if push comes top shove I will go offshore for surgery if I have too. My other specialists want me to stay in Aust for any surgery, so far I have agreed.
Always nice to be home, especially after a few days away
Liz
Hi Liz.
Oh how I hate losing those good long responses. Yes, it has happened to me several times and you can never remember all the good stuff you've said the first time.
I straightening out my therapist and we discussed my revelations at my daughters and my Mizzery friends and their polar opposite reactions. I told him of my daughter's dismissal of my therapy with her statement that if you go to a gender therapist he/she are going to find gender problems. I also told him that even to me my being diagnosis with gender dysphoria seems almost enabling because of the ease at which I got put on hrt and got into therapy for it. It seems almost all I had to do was say I was trans and I'm getting HRT and therapy. Really for me it was that easy. Either it was patently obvious or anyone can do it.
Dealing with being trans on the other hand is no piece of cake. I have hardly done anything for my own acceptance of being trans or taken steps to further my progress towards becoming a woman. At times I'm not sure I want to.
Yet I feel that I should be doing something more.
I set my next session for next month. He was open to seeing me in a week, or two or even me just giving him a call when I felt I needed another session. I decided that since I wasn't in or couldn't see a looming crisis I still wanted a scheduled session. I know if it was left to me to call when I felt a need I wouldn't. Better to touch base with him regularly.
Looks like I have a couple more days to myself as they've told my sister she won't be released from the hospital for at least 2 more days.
That's the status now. I get to fend for myself and have more time to be me for a couple days.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Hi Jeanette,
I was interested in your comment about not having done anything for your own acceptance of being trans. Possibly part of this comes from your living arrangements. As your privacy is limited you may have some subconscious fear of being you that is holding you back. Often our first times in acceptance is 'the trip outside as me just because I am'. By which I mean the every day humdrum, going to do the groceries or weekly store shop as you, as every one does. It isn't the night out or the special occasion, it is just normal life and can be wonderfully liberating.
Maybe while your sister is in hospital you can make such an opportunity? No reason to get dressed to the 9's, just every day clothes and go to the store and buy some grocery items for the week?
You may find it very relaxing (after the initial terror!) and it may give you a bit of a kick to get going.
I don't want to see you falling into a 'I'm on HRT and that is enough to cope with' syndrome. You have lots of life to live and I want you out there living it.
So says Mummy Cindy :laugh:
:-* :-*
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 11, 2017, 05:42:46 PM
Dealing with being trans on the other hand is no piece of cake. I have hardly done anything for my own acceptance of being trans or taken steps to further my progress towards becoming a woman. At times I'm not sure I want to.
Yet I feel that I should be doing something more.
I set my next session for next month.
Sounds like you're getting close to the heart of the matter. I was going to therapy once a week when I was first starting out. It seems like a lot. But once I got to my therapy session? Surprise, surprise. There was always enough to talk about the fill the whole hour and then some. It's a very fragile time. When we are first starting on this path. So why not try once a week? Good God! Enough sermonizing Jane!!!
Anyway. Glad you had a fun time in Missou, I've been to some beautiful fishin' holes myself there too fishin' with m'kinfolk down south of Springfield.
What Cindy said about going out is a great idea. Maybe just a trip to the $ store or Walmart even when like me you ever get that "I'm all dressed up and no place to go" feeling.
Quote from: Cindy on April 11, 2017, 05:54:53 PM
Maybe while your sister is in hospital you can make such an opportunity? No reason to get dressed to the 9's, just every day clothes and go to the store and buy some grocery items for the week?
You may find it very relaxing (after the initial terror!) and it may give you a bit of a kick to get going.
So says Mummy Cindy :laugh:
:-* :-*
Quote from: Jane Emily on April 11, 2017, 07:15:57 PM
What Cindy said about going out is a great idea. Maybe just a trip to the $ store or Walmart even when like me you ever get that "I'm all dressed up and no place to go" feeling.
Ganging up on me are you two?
I'm considering it.... okay? It's just that terrifying part, that terrifies me.
Hugs,
Jeanette
I already told the story of going out crossdressed for a bike ride, and being forced to go to Safeway. It all was fine, nobody said a thing (or as far as I can tell, even noticed), except the checker and she gave me a big smile. Probably never see her again anyway. What's to lose?
Quote from: RandyL on April 11, 2017, 07:35:07 PM
I already told the story of going out crossdressed for a bike ride, and being forced to go to Safeway. It all was fine, nobody said a thing (or as far as I can tell, even noticed), except the checker and she gave me a big smile. Probably never see her again anyway. What's to lose?
It's still light out and I'd have to get out of my apartment complex.
Quote from: Cindy on April 11, 2017, 05:54:53 PM
Hi Jeanette,
I was interested in your comment about not having done anything for your own acceptance of being trans. Possibly part of this comes from your living arrangements. As your privacy is limited you may have some subconscious fear of being you that is holding you back. Often our first times in acceptance is 'the trip outside as me just because I am'. By which I mean the every day humdrum, going to do the groceries or weekly store shop as you, as every one does. It isn't the night out or the special occasion, it is just normal life and can be wonderfully liberating.
Maybe while your sister is in hospital you can make such an opportunity? No reason to get dressed to the 9's, just every day clothes and go to the store and buy some grocery items for the week?
You may find it very relaxing (after the initial terror!) and it may give you a bit of a kick to get going.
I don't want to see you falling into a 'I'm on HRT and that is enough to cope with' syndrome. You have lots of life to live and I want you out there living it.
So says Mummy Cindy :laugh:
:-* :-*
I got all dressed. even took pictures (see avatar) and chickened out when I saw it was raining some and didn't have a woman's coat to wear. All I have is a light 3/4 sleeve sweater.
:( Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 11, 2017, 07:40:24 PM
It's still light out and I'd have to get out of my apartment complex.
Neighbors. I hear ya. That's a tough one. All my neighbors saw me living as a man for a couple years before I started going out en femme. They never were friendly or liked me before and now they are not very freindly nor do they like me now. But at least NOW they don't like ME. Not the guy who used to give 2 figs about what they think.
Neighbours take me back several years.
"We saw a woman drive off in your car yesterday"
That was me.
"Oh"
End of story.
Why does it have to be a woman's jacket to get rain on? Sounds as i a trip out to buy an umbrella is called for.
Me pushy? :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I guess you and I will have to go out together then Jeanette. I'm coming over the Coast Range to your Willamette Valley on Sunday. Let's go to the mall downtown girlfriend. You can wear whatever you have or we can find something for you.
Oh hell the old self acceptance thing again... If you were to see my therapist she thinks that self acceptance is paramount to ever being happy, her thinking is because if we don't have self acceptance will we ever be pretty enough?, lose enough weight?, have the right hair?, the right shape?, maybe we just won't ever be "Trans enough"....you can see where no self acceptance will take you...it certainly took me there...but with self acceptance comes the joy of just being.
Hugs
Liz
Hope your sister is o.k. Jeanette. I must be a worry for you on top of everything.
As far as walking out the door, I find it to be a bit like forging steel. You heat up, bash yourself about for a while and then quickly cool down with a shock. Rinse and repeat until you're tempered enough to face the world.
I started presenting with just a handbag and purse until they became the normal, comfortable accessories. Getting used to not stuffing things in my pockets took a while. You'll find the way that's right for you, we're all different.
So glad you're friend accepted you:)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie (not so shy anymore:) )
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 11, 2017, 05:42:46 PM
Looks like I have a couple more days to myself as they've told my sister she won't be released from the hospital for at least 2 more days.
That's the status now. I get to fend for myself and have more time to be me for a couple days.
Hugs,
Jeanette
For you to sacrifice being yourself for your sisters sake must make her terribly important in your world. It would seem she supercedes you. I don't know if I could or ever have loved one so much. That to me almost seems altruism bordering on martyrdom.
Jeanette,
I love your new avatar. Next picture I would add only one thing. I would like to see your smile. Other than that you got it!
Fear of going out is so hard to deal with. I would never minimize how difficult it is to do. You may just have to do it without paying attention to that fear for a brief period. One foot in front of another, keep your eyes on the prize. I think you will find it freeing. Good luck Girl!
Moni
It really helps to have support from somebody else when you go out. Tessa's offer sounds really nice -- I recommend taking her up on it.
Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
Cindy,
OMG!! See what you've started Cindy? I'm being barraged with folks lining up behind your gentle ummm suggestions. You all don't make it easy to procrastinate around here.
Quote from: Tessa James on April 12, 2017, 12:02:20 AM
I guess you and I will have to go out together then Jeanette. I'm coming over the Coast Range to your Willamette Valley on Sunday. Let's go to the mall downtown girlfriend. You can wear whatever you have or we can find something for you.
You would have to go and say that Tessa wouldn't you? You even have Randy urging me to accept. All I can say right now is maybe. As with the last time you came out this way, your invitation is awfully tempting. My inner girl tells me to go for it and I want to. I can't commit to it as my sister's doctor called last night to say she will not be coming home for at least 3 - 4 days. That makes her release possibly this weekend. I will have to play it by ear. We shall see. okay?
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 12, 2017, 02:19:06 AM
Oh hell the old self acceptance thing again... If you were to see my therapist she thinks that self acceptance is paramount to ever being happy, her thinking is because if we don't have self acceptance will we ever be pretty enough?, lose enough weight?, have the right hair?, the right shape?, maybe we just won't ever be "Trans enough"....you can see where no self acceptance will take you...it certainly took me there...but with self acceptance comes the joy of just being.
Hugs,
Liz
I know, I know Liz, I can get stuck here forever if I let those doubts and fears have sway over me. Sneaking out under the cover of darkness and driving around en femme is easy. Being out in broad daylight or in a public place is terrifying. But I do realize I will have to do it someday and more than just occasionally. I was hoping to delay that until more people know about me.
Quote from: Shy on April 12, 2017, 03:28:36 AM
Hope your sister is o.k. Jeanette. I must be a worry for you on top of everything.
Sadie (not so shy anymore:) )
Thank you Sadie. Yes, I do worry about my sister. I love all my sisters. I lived with this one for many years after I moved up to Oregon and was looking for employment. I slept in their living room in a 2 bedroom apartment with her , her husband and 2 sons. About the time I was working and about ready to find my own place her husband died of a heart attack and I became the breadwinner. I've been supporting here ever since. Her sons are barely able to support themselves let along take care of their mom. Over the years I've watched her health decline steadily and I sometimes feel I am on a dearth watch for her. I suppose in many ways that is true. When my mom was alive and living with us too I once told my uncle that I felt I was just waiting for the two of them to die so I could live my own life. That is a horrible thing to say I know but it feels so true at times.
Quote from: jentay1367 on April 12, 2017, 09:09:25 AM
For you to sacrifice being yourself for your sisters sake must make her terribly important in your world. It would seem she supercedes you. I don't know if I could or ever have loved one so much. That to me almost seems altruism bordering on martyrdom.
Jen, See above response. yes she is important to me. I have already lost my mom, another sister and have one sister that doesn't speak to me anymore.
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 12, 2017, 09:43:37 AM
Jeanette,
I love your new avatar. Next picture I would add only one thing. I would like to see your smile. Other than that you got it!
Fear of going out is so hard to deal with. I would never minimize how difficult it is to do. You may just have to do it without paying attention to that fear for a brief period. One foot in front of another, keep your eyes on the prize. I think you will find it freeing. Good luck Girl!
Moni
Monica,
Thank you for the compliment. I'm not so sure of that wig style though. I decided to give it a try last night and put it as my avatar to see what others here thought about it. So far you are the only one to weigh in on it. I'm a little torn on wearing it too due to it being a wig I bought for my older sister to wear when her hair fell out from radiation and chemo therapy when we found out she had cancer. It's cut and color was much like her own hair. Alas she never got to use it and I kept it. I knew someone would say something about a smile. :-)
Quote from: RandyL on April 12, 2017, 10:07:08 AM
It really helps to have support from somebody else when you go out. Tessa's offer sounds really nice -- I recommend taking her up on it.
Thank you everyone for all the comments and encouragement. I'm working on it. Really I am.
Hugs,
Jeanette
QuoteI knew someone would say something about a smile. :-)
You have beautiful eyes...... and the smile makes about 3000% difference. Take the glasses off, look into the camera lens with confidence, think happy thoughts, plaster a smile on your pretty face and take the pic. I can't wait to see it.
your new avatar threw me for a minute , bl**dy computer whats it done now!!!!!!! I need a better wig but cant decide on style to suit my face and don't say cousin it
Quote from: davina61 on April 12, 2017, 02:46:20 PM
your new avatar threw me for a minute , bl**dy computer whats it done now!!!!!!! I need a better wig but cant decide on style to suit my face and don't say cousin it
LOL No, it wasn't your computer. It was my doing.
That wig is one from Paula's wigs. It's a synthetic and I think I paid about $69.00 for it.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Dear Jeanette,
I have just woken up to another wonderful day of living and you get my first post of the day :laugh:
My cajoling is not meant to force you into anything you do not wish to do but to encourage you with something you wish to do.
As far a fear of going out I of course had no problems - at least after the first five years of being way too frightened to even stick my head out of the door :laugh:
Fear is strength in disguise.
The avatar, Mmmm I think I preferred the longer wig but without a smile well it is hard to judge.... a pretty woman needs a nice smile and you need to accept that you are a pretty woman.
I was planning to cajole you (my word of the day) into seeing stylist later on but I'll be quiet about that in case you get nervous >:-)
Take your time, you are going very well, we are not pushing you but holding your hand and giving an occasional pull!
Couple of Suggestions...how about that smile of yours....next pic try and get the camera slightly higher and to your left or right which ever is your better side...I think you look great ...just grumpy LOL
Liz
Jeanette--I love the new look! It's great to have options for short vs. long hair, especially with summer coming. I totally get the fear and anxiety about going out. But perhaps today's the day to go out for a quick shopping trip? As for coats, I still wear my men's coat since it's the only one I have. I'm sure it looks less than fashionable, but that's just where I am right now.
I don't know if you remember this, but it was your first outing to the meeting in Portland with Tessa that inspired me to go out en femme for the first time.
Quote from: p on March 09, 2017, 07:53:51 PM
Special thanks to JeanetteLW whose story about going to her first support meeting made me want to go out en femme today!
You were so nervous, and you would barely commit to going at first. And then you were hemming and hawing about what to wear and how to get there. But when the time came, you went for it! And that made a big impression on me, since I had yet to take that step. So I took that step. And once I started, I just decided that I wasn't going to go back again. It's hard every time. Every single day I am nervous to leave the house. And I have had to come out to a ton of family very quickly because my parents were visiting and then the Jewish holidays came. But it has all been so worth it! And you inspired me to do it, J. Maybe take Tessa up on that mall outing. Maybe it's time to think about coming out to your sister, especially if you're going to keep sharing an apartment. It seems like it would clear a lot of the roadblocks out of the way--you could be dressed at home, you might be less nervous to try some outings. You've got a lot of options. Think it over, J. As always, I am rooting for you. Love, P
Quote from: Cindy on April 12, 2017, 04:28:04 PM
Dear Jeanette,
I have just woken up to another wonderful day of living and you get my first post of the day :laugh:
My cajoling is not meant to force you into anything you do not wish to do but to encourage you with something you wish to do.
As far a fear of going out I of course had no problems - at least after the first five years of being way too frightened to even stick my head out of the door :laugh:
Fear is strength in disguise.
The avatar, Mmmm I think I preferred the longer wig but without a smile well it is hard to judge.... a pretty woman needs a nice smile and you need to accept that you are a pretty woman.
I was planning to cajole you (my word of the day) into seeing stylist later on but I'll be quiet about that in case you get nervous >:-)
Take your time, you are going very well, we are not pushing you but holding your hand and giving an occasional pull!
Cindy,
((((HUGS)))) I just love how you put things. It is a joy to be cajoled (I'm familiar with the word) by you and an honor to be chosen as a first post of your day. I think I like the cheap purple tint long wig better myself but thought I would get the opinion on this one from the folks here. I have 2 other wigs none of you have seen yet that I will assail you all with to see what opinions you all have on them too. When I get serious about being in the public eye and get some expert help I will invest in a better wig if they aren't too expensive. I'm not rich.
Feel free to cajole me whenever you have a hankering to do so.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 12, 2017, 04:31:07 PM
Couple of Suggestions...how about that smile of yours....next pic try and get the camera slightly higher and to your left or right which ever is your better side...I think you look great ...just grumpy LOL
Liz
Hi Liz,
I will try to remember the tips. Thank you.
Funny you should call me "grumpy" you hit on my secondary nick name I'm referred to by some of my friends. The other I think I have mentioned before... Mean rotten old fart in a cowboy hat.
Yes I will try to remember to smile next time.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: p on April 12, 2017, 05:00:27 PM
Jeanette--I love the new look! It's great to have options for short vs. long hair, especially with summer coming.
I don't know if you remember this, but it was your first outing to the meeting in Portland with Tessa that inspired me to go out en femme for the first time.
You were so nervous, and you would barely commit to going at first. And then you were hemming and hawing about what to wear and how to get there. But when the time came, you went for it! And that made a big impression on me, since I had yet to take that step. So I took that step. And once I started, I just decided that I wasn't going to go back again. It's hard every time. Every single day I am nervous to leave the house. And I have had to come out to a ton of family very quickly because my parents were visiting and then the Jewish holidays came. But it has all been so worth it! And you inspired me to do it, J. Maybe take Tessa up on that mall outing. Maybe it's time to think about coming out to your sister, especially if you're going to keep sharing an apartment. It seems like it would clear a lot of the roadblocks out of the way--you could be dressed at home, you might be less nervous to try some outings. You've got a lot of options. Think it over, J. As always, I am rooting for you. Love, P
Thank you p for the compliment on the wig. We will see how you like my other two later.
Yes, I do remember you thanking me for motivating you though it still think it was all your doing to get yourself out that door. I didn't do a Cindy and grab your arm and pull you out. And I do remember the misgivings and excuses I had before I got out the door to go to that meeting. I don't think I would have done it had I not had Tessa there to look forward to meeting and have her hold my hand. She was my motivation. Just as she is trying to be this weekend. I don't know if I will be free to go but I am once again sorely tempted to meet her again. I think she can read my mind or something because I have been thinking about her several time recently.
I believe my sister will be my next victim to come out to. We shall see.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Okay ladies here is another look. What do you think?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FgEfU7u4.jpg&hash=be6607a23afe860a51c2493508d291d68cbe762f)
OMG there is a smile appearing on your face! Next thing we know it will be a happy smile!!
Hon you are doing great.!
Quote from: Cindy on April 12, 2017, 10:48:07 PM
OMG there is a smile appearing on your face! Next thing we know it will be a happy smile!!
Hon you are doing great.!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F4JpWOlr.jpg&hash=ca4e743d92a0b6b93b10f367a61ecfd00cce2ab9)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FvEKNKw1.jpg&hash=3d671a04aee211f4b555262b1dfdb71055abb5d2)
LOL I tried Cindy, but smiles are hard to do. This is another synthetic Paula wig.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Hey, that's better! Shorter hairstyles like that are very popular with older women. Easier care, less time to fuss with them.
So, its both more age-appropriate, and in this case more flattering. With that hair and smile you actually look younger than in your older avatar pic, as well as happier.
Thank you Michelle. Everyone beat me up for not smiling so I'm trying as I show new looks. This is wig #3 of 4. (I know I saw that long 4th one around here somewhere. I guess I'll have to go digging in my stashes again.)
Smiling is hard work and they actually hurt mean rotten old farts like me.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Awesomeness! You look fantastic. I'm jealous of those eyes.
Quote
Smiling is hard work and they actually hurt mean rotten old farts like me.
Hugs,
Jeanette
There you go, love the smile it lights up your whole face, makes you look so much different...not too many laughter lines there...gonna have to work on that...you look great, I like the short hair on you...is one darker shade than the other? Anyway you look great...now about the outing we have been discussing...you are all ready to go with the lippy and the wig you just need an excuse...need anything from the shops?
:D ;D
Liz
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 13, 2017, 12:19:14 AM
There you go, love the smile it lights up your whole face, makes you look so much different...not too many laughter lines there...gonna have to work on that...you look great, I like the short hair on you...is one darker shade than the other? Anyway you look great...now about the outing we have been discussing...you are all ready to go with the lippy and the wig you just need an excuse...need anything from the shops?
:D ;D
Liz
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FoBqYvMa.jpg&hash=2e3f373311380ced8b4ea53f2284603b594eda15)
Inside Walmart.
They were getting ready to close so I didn't have much time. I took a quick look at nail polish. Didn't see base or top coat polish. I know they must have it there but wasn't going hunting. Themn I took a tour through the shoe and women's departments. I looked at a couple things but nothing really caught my eye. I'm not a very good shopper preferring to go in a store get what I want and get out. But I was there! I did it and I took a picture inside to prove it to you ladies.
Thank you ladies for the complements on tonight's pictures. This may be my go to hair. lol
Hugs,
Jeanette
Ha Ha Good on you
How does that feel?
Liz
Yay, there's the smile :)
You see I don't look at the forum for five minutes and all this happens. Good for you girl.
Peace and love and all that good stuff
Sadie
Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty. Free at last.
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 13, 2017, 04:06:49 AM
Ha Ha Good on you
How does that feel?
Liz
It was a bit scary and I tried to avoid people and didn't look at them or try to see if they were looking at me. I was most fearful that an employee might talk to me. I did have to walk right past some other shoppers and workers. One guy was checking out a couple of young ladies as they went past him as most guys will. I have no idea if he looked me over as I kept my eyes down.
There was some relieved feeling... as I headed of the door. ;D
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: Jane Emily on April 13, 2017, 10:12:22 AM
Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty. Free at last.
Free? petrified is more like it.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: jentay1367 on April 13, 2017, 12:10:15 AM
Awesomeness! You look fantastic. I'm jealous of those eyes.
Thank you Jen. The eyes are old and droopy.
Hugs,
Jeanette
You look fantastic! Come on girl! ^^
It is 3 am and I'm awake to fill up on pain killers and I see you going out and about.
You superstar girl!!!
Congratulations!
Now, did the sky fall in? Did lightening bolts smite WalMart? Did anyone give you a hard time?
No.
Did you just move your boundaries by miles?
Yes.
Big Hug
Quote from: Cindy on April 13, 2017, 12:36:21 PM
It is 3 am and I'm awake to fill up on pain killers and I see you going out and about.
You superstar girl!!!
Congratulations!
Now, did the sky fall in? Did lightening bolts smite WalMart? Did anyone give you a hard time?
No.
Did you just move your boundaries by miles?
Yes.
Big Hug
LOL Cindy. It's you're fault. I could endure your cajoling and had to get it to stop. The sky was dark and cloudy threatening to strike me down at every step but no it wasn't rainy atm nor did I see lightening. I avoided as many people as I could and talked to no one. And bought nothing. Yes, I looked at some things but didn't see anything I wanted. I was executing and assigned mission from some Aussie nut. Thank you.
Did it do me any good? I'm not sure.
But yeah I survived the ordeal.
Hugs, Cindy go back to bed.
Jeanette
Sometimes I think Cindy's real mission in like is to kick-start the rest of us! ;)
Some times we need a jumpstart to get out of a rut, working myself up to go into town on Sunday and get my ears done , gold studs and whether to paint my nails pink. will be wearing my fem jeans but not worked out a stealth top yet . But well done you looking like that and SMILING I think no one will call you sir
Thank you Davina,
I think you will find a good top for your trip into town. Ypu'll love your pierced ears once they heal up. You will have so much better choices for earrings to wear from dainty little studs to long or big dangly ones.
LoL No one will call me sir if I don't let anyone close enough to talk to me. ;)
You can do this, Davina. Go get them studs! (earrings I mean)
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 13, 2017, 11:43:58 AM
Thank you Jen. The eyes are old and droopy.
Hugs,
Jeanette
No.... they're not, Sweetie. They're expressive and hopeful. You look darling in your new wig and you have a lovely smile. Gotta rock it all. It's all up to us to get to our destination.
I'm so proud of you for the strides you've made in the last few days. You will own your fear soon and throw it in the garbage where it belongs. I have every faith in you.....hugs...Jen
Jeanette, the new photos are great, and I love the smile. With the wig and the expression, it really changes your look in a positive way! I know how hard it can be to smile for a picture (John McCutcheon song: "How to smile for a picture without looking like a dope"). My best method is to think of something ridiculous (like what I'm going to do with this photo when the stupid camera finally focuses and clicks) which causes me to laugh or giggle -- then with luck sometimes that shows up in the photo.
Congrats on your Walmart trip. See, not so bad, eh? Now you have to buy something and go to an in-person checker LOL.
Keep up the great work!
Love, Randy
Quote from: RandyL on April 13, 2017, 08:09:52 PM
Jeanette, the new photos are great, and I love the smile....
Congrats on your Walmart trip. See, not so bad, eh? Now you have to buy something and go to an in-person checker LOL.
Keep up the great work!
Love, Randy
Thank you Randy for the compliment.
But did you HAVE to add that nonsense about buying something and go through check out? HUH? Didja? Didja? Huh?
(hmmm she didn't say in girl mode....)
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: RandyL on April 13, 2017, 08:09:52 PM
Congrats on your Walmart trip. See, not so bad, eh? Now you have to buy something and go to an in-person checker LOL.
Keep up the great work!
Love, Randy
Love your work Randy....come on Jeanette you can do this...no you don't
have to go in girl mode but it would kind of defeat the purpose if you didn't ;)
You can do it...you have your cheer squad now...I dunno about the short skirt and gymnastics part of it but we are certainly vocal....
Seriously though, I think you did remarkably well. While your confidence is still high I would have another go, the second time is really difficult but so much easier than the first. The first is the tough one...
Well Done
Hugs
Liz
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 13, 2017, 08:26:47 PM
Thank you Randy for the compliment.
But did you HAVE to add that nonsense about buying something and go through check out? HUH? Didja? Didja? Huh?
(hmmm she didn't say in girl mode....)
Hugs,
Jeanette
Get used to using your handbag and purse, it's quite strange at first if you've been used to a wallet and stuffing change in your pockets. The art of the handbag is ancient one that must be honoured and honed to perfection. No fumbling through makeup and tissues to find your purse ;)
So now you've got homework, I'll expect it on my desk in the morning ;)
Seriously you're doing awesome and look amazing, no pressure.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on April 14, 2017, 04:45:36 AM
Get used to using your handbag and purse, it's quite strange at first if you've been used to a wallet and stuffing change in your pockets. The art of the handbag is ancient one that must be honoured and honed to perfection. No fumbling through makeup and tissues to find your purse ;)
Sadie
I used a black material mail bag as my handbag for the first 12 months after coming out. Most people never batted and eyelid because it was black and "looked" like the kind of office type bag...Change the colour and you have a handbag...I only switched to using a "proper" handbag all the time when I went fulltime but by then I had plenty of bag handling practice...during this time I used a Colorado brand ladies purse and that raised a few eyebrows. But it is great...I love my purse...way better than my wallet.
You lose and gain many things during transition but no one usually mentions the loss of pockets...women's clothes don't have pockets...a good handbag is essential...matching shoes is also nice but the budget won't always stretch to both. I have to reluctantly admit I have 3 handbags already and I really do need a better everyday one....
Great challenge
Liz
AAAARRRRGGG
Girl mode and a purse, buying something at a real cashier???
Sure, sure, load it up, make it harder why don't you? It may take awhile....
I do have a purse. 2 of them actually but I don't really like the Laura Scott one. I do like the other one which is a Jaclyn Smith satchel type I think (Kmart special). I used it when I went to that support meeting but carrying it was really awkward and I really don't know what to carry in it. Right now it holds my makeup stash. I need to get a ladies wallet to put in it. My trifold billfold just is NOT feminine.
Thank you all for the encouragement and gentle coercion.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 14, 2017, 01:29:48 PM
Girl mode and a purse buying something at a real cashier???
You can do this! Work up to it if you need to, but it's fun.
A couple of weeks ago, I had half a day to kill in the city in Kathy mode. I went window shopping, stopped in a coffee shop for an espresso, and in a bakery for a piece of cake. The most fun was in the outdoor equipment store, which is a co-op. I had to give my member number, which the cashier punched into the computer. She looked up and said, "Ummm... Keith?" I had to chuckle and admit that the computer had looked up my account correctly. (I have since updated their records.) The point was that it was all fun. It seems that Kathy is a lot bolder about this kind of thing than Keith ever was.
Quotecarrying it was really awkward and I really don't know what to carry in it.
I have two purses. I carry a small fake-leather one most of the time. It is quite feminine, with a fringed tassle on it. I wear it with the strap over my opposite shoulder for security. In an inside pocket, I have lipstick, a mirror, and a couple of spare hairpins. In the main section, I carry my wallet/billfold, a change purse, my cellphone, reading glasses, and a hanky. Keys are in an outer pocket.
My other purse is black nylon, and is a bit larger and more utilitarian. It also is an over-the-shoulder type. It has more room, so on my shopping trip, I was able to carry a knitted hat in the second compartment, since the weather was a bit cold and blustery.
Purse, glasses, tissues, pen, mints, money, hair clips...still looking....Hmmm maybe I have said enough.
Don't worry over time you find you carry all sorts of stuff...my wife can produce the most amazingly useful items from her bag...I don't know how many times I have heard one of my Daughters say "Hey Mum you wouldn't happen to have a XXX in your bag" Mum rummaging purposefully through her bag "How about this one". Holding up exact item.
Bags and purse management are skill in themselves ;D
LIz
Well, it looks like my sister will be needing a ride home from the hospital tomorrow, Saturday. So all this fun of being Jeanette will of necessity be cut back to normal once again. It was good to wake up in the mornings and change into my proper clothes and be able to wear them most of the day if not all day. I feel sad about returning to the status quo. Someday fairly soon I will have a talk with her and let her know that her brother is one of "those weirdos" and wants to be her sister. My nephews and a wife of one will have to be told. Doing so is going to set off an avalanche of coming outs to more of the family be they local or far and word will spread from there. I am not too fond of this idea.
During this week of fun I accepted Cindy's challenge to get out and go to a store. Her cajoling made me do it as well as a little coercion from several others of you. Thank you.
But that wasn't the end of it, was it? No! You terribly pushy people had to go and up the anti didn't you?
Well, tonight, I am the proud owner of a ladies wallet and a cuticle trimming tool.
I sat in my pickup at least 5 minutes watch people, lots of scary people go in and out of the Target store. I didn't take time to take pictures in target tonight. There were more people in there tonight than I would have liked and I sure as heck didn't want to attract attention to myself. It was difficult enough looking through the selection of wallets and picking one to buy then going into the beauty section looking for top and base coat polish. I didn't find those, but I did find the cuticle tool and I can use that. Then it was off to the cashier. I had to wait behind a lady then had some other people get in line behind me. Don't ask me how many, what sex, or if they looked at me. I have no idea. The girl at the register did look at me and smiled. I could swear she was smiling because she clocked me but I don't really know if that was why. More than likely she was just being polite and the rest is my imagination which was running off wild. She said hi and I quietly said hi back. Then it was my turn and the usual questions. Did you find everything already. I think I said yes but not sure. I was busy with my credit card concentrating very hard on the display waiting for something to happen. The display finally gave me a total and asked for my pin #. I put it in, waited for approval, thanked the girl when she gave me my receipt. I did remember to grab my bag as I made my escape out the doors to my pickup.
Mission accomplished... One purchase from a living person in girl mode carrying a purse.
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I did it. Thank you, you terrible antagonists.
Now I get a reprieve due to my sister coming home and my freedom to do these fun things departs.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Yaaaay! Well done, Jeanette, well done!
My first retail interaction was courtesy of a push from my therapist. I went to a Starbucks next to the office after my fourth session (I think). I had been presenting as myself from the second session, so there was that daytime dash across the parking lot, and an interaction with the receptionist (well trained!) as well.
It ain't easy, the first time. I will tell you that repeated successes become addictive. I soon left for therapy early, got breakfast in a diner, and went grocery or other shopping after every session. About a month after that I was effectively full-time outside the house. (Inside was a different and sadder story.)
But, you did it. You actually did it. Congratulations.
Thank you Michelle,
So far I've only been sneaking out at night for these impromptu challenges. Of course the stores are all lit up but I'm only there a short time then I escape back to the safety of my pickup. Not sure I could do it during the daylight.
I thought of going to a therapy appointment but the common lobby at the VA was PACKED with people the last time I went.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Great work, Jeanette! We are all proud of you.
I showed your photo to my wife (using she/her pronouns) and she said, "That's a man?" in an amazed voice. You're presenting very well and have nothing to worry about.
Love Randy
Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
Thanks Randy,
And thank your wife for the kind word. But don't you think it's time for a visit to her optometrist? lol Pictures can and do lie you know?
Hugs,
Jeanette
Well that's an A+ with credits for your homework assignment Jeanette!
I can't believe how natural and content you look in your latest selfie. And damn girl, now I've got some serious nail envy.
Glad to here your sister is getting better. Hospitals aren't nice places for anyone.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Good on you Jeanette,
It takes great courage and to sit in your car for 5 minutes means it was touch and go there for awhile? You came through...so what if she clocked you...who cares...how do you feel about it now you are back...have we just made things harder for you?
As far as a grade goes you get a "Pass" ;) ;)
Coming out is going to seem like a walk in the park compared to what you just did. I commend you for sticking it out despite your uncomfortable feelings and not just bailing shows courage and determination for a start... :icon_bunch:
Liz
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 15, 2017, 12:45:14 AM
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You have some of the prettiest most beautifully shaped nails I've ever seen and you look great.
Also, it sounds like you did well even if you were nervous. Good job pushing yourself a bit past your comfort zone and taking that first major leap. Seriously, I'm proud of you.
Personally, I always liked going to Target when I was in the in-between phase (visually male but yet to change my ID/CC) because their registers don't show the name on your card in big bold letters to the cashier on their screens.
Just a heads up, Kohl's does. I was there one day with my fiancée buying her a pair of shoes and a couple other odds and ends. I mindlessly swiped my card only to feel the weight of confused eyes all over me. I looked up and the cashier (an older woman) looked at me and quietly said, "Uh... is... your name ___?"
It took me completely off-guard and I just sort of stammered out a rough explanation. She nodded and everything went through fine, but that was a deeply uncomfortable experience and I'm glad we were the only two in line at the time. I was considerably more cautious with my card after that and started carrying cash as a result.
Way to go, Jeanette! You did it!! We are all proud of you.
I am glad to hear that your sister is getting out of hospital. Sorry that it means curtailing your freedom.
Awesomeness!!!!!!
You're doing great. You're a natural at this. I think you'll find it will be harder now NOT to want to go out more. As to the handbag you might want to consider a bag with a shoulder strap. If you look around you'll see lots of women wearing them, and not just because they are convenient, but because they have a strap that goes right down the middle between one's boobs making them stand out just a little more. A girl needs all the help she can get! So next homework assignment: senior Tuesday at the ARC.
I love the picture of you with the cuticle tool. It's a very feminine expression. I vote that for you profile pic.
Good luck coming out to your sister.
Quote from: Shy on April 15, 2017, 03:16:26 AM
Well that's an A+ with credits for your homework assignment Jeanette!
I can't believe how natural and content you look in your latest selfie. And damn girl, now I've got some serious nail envy.
Sadie
Quote from: Stone Magnum on April 15, 2017, 03:54:25 AM
You have some of the prettiest most beautifully shaped nails I've ever seen and you look great.
Also, it sounds like you did well even if you were nervous. Good job pushing yourself a bit past your comfort zone and taking that first major leap. Seriously, I'm proud of you.
Sadie and Stone thank you for the pats on the back. Yes I did have more difficulties going in this time knowing I was going to buy something and go threw the check out line. And thanks Stone for the tip about ID cards. I'll keep that in mind.
My nails have always been the envy of girls and women. I hate them short and file them rather than clip them. I usually only clip them when I break a couple. Then I clip them all and start over. They grow strong and fast and the length you see is only 3 - 4 weeks. I have been real tempted to visit a salon and have a manicure but then that fear thing shows up again. Another problem I have now id what looks like bubbles or rather broken ridges along wit unbroken ridges growing out from the nail bed to the tips. Even when I try to even them with the rest of the nail you can still see them through polish even. :-(
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 15, 2017, 03:39:33 AM
It takes great courage and to sit in your car for 5 minutes means it was touch and go there for awhile? You came through...so what if she clocked you...who cares...how do you feel about it now you are back...have we just made things harder for you?
As far as a grade goes you get a "Pass" ;) ;)
Coming out is going to seem like a walk in the park compared to what you just did. I commend you for sticking it out despite your uncomfortable feelings and not just bailing shows courage and determination for a start... :icon_bunch:
Liz
Thanks Liz,
Touch and go? Yes I would says so. I didn't say anything about how long it took me to get up and start the process to get out of the door this time. I was already dressed as I had been most of the day so when I decided I was going to do this it should not have taken long to go through the door, but it did. I finally go up and got out my makeup and put it on. even a light layering took me some time. then the earrings and wig. All ready right? No, I sat down and had to think about it again. There would be people there... I finally convinced myself there shouldn't be that many due to the hour. So now I grab my purse and my phone, put my wallet in, take my wallet out and get my Target card out ready for use and put my wallet back in. Take my wallet out and put the card back in it, replace the wallet in my purse again but open this time to make accessing the card easier and cut down the fumbling for it. *sigh*. Time out. Do I really want to do this? decide my lipstick is a bit much for Target so back into the bathroom to redo it.
Okay I am doing this. Get my coat and put it on. Check out the windows in the kitchen and bedroom to see if the coast is clear... ooops there's a car waiting outside. Come onnnnnnn already go away! It finally leaves. Peek out the door and put the key in to lock it quickly after me. Go, go, go, out the door , close and locked. To the pickup unlock the door. Damn the light comes on. Hurry inside and start the engine so the dome light gore out. Damn the headlights come on and reflect back off the wall illuminating me as well as the dome light did. Quickly put it in reverse and back out, put it into drive and out of the complex I go. Safe, safely out on the road and back into a known comfort zone. Just another lady driving down the road. Finally I pull into the Target parking lot and the fear has me in it's grasp once again.. elapse time from deciding to go and getting there? approximately an hour and a half.
See Liz? It was a piece of cake. no problem at all.
How do I feel about it? Relieved that it's over. Elated that I did it. Fearful that there will undoubtedly be a next time. You're right I had to gather up the courage to get out of my pickup and go inside. I almost didn't. There were so many people still going in and out. I don't like people in male mode and in girl mode it's thousands of times worse.
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 15, 2017, 06:30:48 AM
Way to go, Jeanette! You did it!! We are all proud of you.
I am glad to hear that your sister is getting out of hospital. Sorry that it means curtailing your freedom.
Thank you Kathy Yes I did, and thank you for my sister. Her being here will have a damping effect on what and when I can be me but it won't be forever. Hopefully it won't be for much longer as I do need to tell her, her brother is one of those weirdos. I'm not sure how she will take the news and I fear the domino effect it is likely to start.
Alas It will have to be done eventually.
On that note.
I sent a Facebook PM to my daughter last night trying to break the ice. So far no response. *sigh*
Hugs to all,
Jeanette
Quote from: Jane Emily on April 15, 2017, 11:05:48 AM
You're doing great. You're a natural at this. I think you'll find it will be harder now NOT to want to go out more. As to the handbag you might want to consider a bag with a shoulder strap. ... So next homework assignment: senior Tuesday at the ARC.
I love the picture of you with the cuticle tool. It's a very feminine expression. I vote that for you profile pic.
Good luck coming out to your sister.
Thank you both Jen and Jane,
"A natural"? read my 2nd post after the outing.... It's an ordeal. Not anxious to be doing this more just yet Jane,
My purse does have a strap. alas it's not long enough to wear like you suggest and it's too long to wear on the shoulder comfortable and have it feel secure. I may not be proficient in purses yet. duh. LOL
Thanks for the sister comment. It will happen, when is the question. I probably should bring her home first.
At a loss for "senior Tuesday at the ARC."
Hugs,
Jeanette
One of the things that I discovered is that you have to keep track of your cards...I have misplaced mine several times over the last 6 months and lost it once. I have never done that in my life...I think it is a combination of being nervous and the person who serves you. The first few times I went out, if someone was weird with me, I would get really flustered and I normally would be trying to escape the situation as fast as I can thereby being careless and not looking where I was putting my card....I was really annoyed with myself after losing it the final time because I got all weird about using my handbag(stupid dysphoria) and just grabbed my card and at some point got so flustered left it behind or dropped it somewhere....Now... no bag >no purse>no card ....they all stay together :) (sigh)
Liz
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 15, 2017, 12:17:11 PM
At a loss for "senior Tuesday at the ARC."
It's a second hand store like Goodwill and every Tuesday is always 1/2 off for mature ladies like us. It's a guilty pleasure of mine. I always end up buying too many clothes (is that even possible?). I thought they had ARCs everywhere. Guess not.
Quote from: Jane Emily on April 16, 2017, 09:29:00 AM
It's a second hand store like Goodwill and every Tuesday is always 1/2 off for mature ladies like us. It's a guilty pleasure of mine. I always end up buying too many clothes (is that even possible?). I thought they had ARCs everywhere. Guess not.
I have a lovely little consignment shop like that near me, Jane. They start out at certain prices and the longer the stuff sits, the cheaper it gets. I've gotten Jones of New York and some Anne Klein pieces for like two bucks apiece in new condition. They have clothes, jewelry, purses and shoes. Half my wardrobe's from this place...l.o.l. Only way to dress. I love it on every level and really hope it never goes away!
Quote from: Jane Emily on April 16, 2017, 09:29:00 AM
It's a second hand store like Goodwill and every Tuesday is always 1/2 off for mature ladies like us. It's a guilty pleasure of mine. I always end up buying too many clothes (is that even possible?). I thought they had ARCs everywhere. Guess not.
Ahhhh thank you for clarifying it for me. I googled it and interestingly I can find a donation center here in Orgeon but no apparent store.
Jeanette!!!!! I am so happy for you, such big steps. You look wonderful--I love your new wig and your SMILE :D
Love you, P
Thank you p. This one took a bit of work to get done with many episodes of having to talk myself in to getting ready, going out the door, getting out of my pickup and going inside. Not to mention the shopping part and checking out. I couldn't wait to get out of the store and back into the safety of my pickup.
Yeah this one was harder. But I did do it!
Hugs p,
Jeanette
Hi all,
I am in hiding for a few days. Not only is my sister home now but we have an out of town guest staying here until Thursday. One on my nephews dropped in on his way home to California from Connecticut. this puts a severe cut on my forum time as well as my time to be me. Muches sadness. I'll be on when I can.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: Jane Emily on April 15, 2017, 11:05:48 AM
As to the handbag you might want to consider a bag with a shoulder strap. If you look around you'll see lots of women wearing them, and not just because they are convenient, but because they have a strap that goes right down the middle between one's boobs making them stand out just a little more.
It's really weird but for years I always though bags were a hindrance to women and loved the fact that men have pockets whilst women don't (on dresses & skirt) or only very shallow ones on jeans (mainly present for decoration only). I thought it was unfortunate that women need to cart bags around all the time but having done it myself, I must say it's fantastic and not at all as ball-and-chain as I envisaged. Now, only now, do I understand why women can have everything including the kitchen sink in their bags!
Quote from: vicki_sixx on April 19, 2017, 03:12:10 AM
It's really weird but for years I always though bags were a hindrance to women and loved the fact that men have pockets whilst women don't (on dresses & skirt) or only very shallow ones on jeans (mainly present for decoration only). I thought it was unfortunate that women need to cart bags around all the time but having done it myself, I must say it's fantastic and not at all as ball-and-chain as I envisaged. Now, only now, do I understand why women can have everything including the kitchen sink in their bags!
Count me as an original sceptic...I have 3 bags now and looking for my fourth...that probably tells you how I fell about them now :D... When I first started buying womens clothes I just thought I needed to be more attentive to find the stuff with pockets...we all know how that ended up. LOL I just need a bigger bag now...by the time I get my makeup in there isn't much room for anything else.
Liz
My mum gave me a large handbag , its brown soft and has 3 zipped compartments in fact its large enough to be a over night bag . Best bit is its nicely used and has a long shoulder strap. Have a posh black one I found in the sales that goes with my best outfit.
It's fun (and instructive) to notice the different ways women carry different types of bags too.
Oh gosh, what a rude awakening from your alone time! Hope you are coping OK readjusting to your sister and having your nephew over. Thinking of you :-*
Quote from: p on April 19, 2017, 04:56:30 PM
Oh gosh, what a rude awakening from your alone time! Hope you are coping OK readjusting to your sister and having your nephew over. Thinking of you :-*
Thank you p. Yes I managed to cope with the inconvenience okay. I survived.
My nephew left this morning and it didn't take me long to add a bra under my drab attire. Tonight will be my first chance since my sister came home to dress completely and be myself. I was really surprised by how much I miss dressing the way I like when I liked while my sister was in the hospital. I was even enjoying the excitement of the challenges I accepted from you terrible people, even though it was terrifying at times. I mean the nerve some of you displayed in cajoling and goading me to get out and do something . Sheesh! Pushy people! Thank you.
Anyway, it's back to normal around here. Soon I will be in a dress again and perhaps a bit of makeup and a wig to boot. Oh by the by, I ordered me another dress for target yesterday. It's a bright pink floral spring dress. I can't wait for it to arrive.
Hugs to everyone,
Jeanette
Do I detect a change...not worried about your sister...pleased you are not but curious as to what has changed?
Liz
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 20, 2017, 10:28:05 PM
Do I detect a change...not worried about your sister...pleased you are not but curious as to what has changed?
Liz
Sorry Liz I see I was not clear. When I said things are back to normal I meant I will wait until my sisters has gone to her room for the night then I will be able to change into the clothes I like.
I am going to tell her about me soon though. Once I find my courage again. Now I remember hiding it somewhere around here....
Oh well, I'll find it eventually.
I hope your day was a good one Miss Liz.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 20, 2017, 10:34:51 PM
Sorry Liz I see I was not clear. When I said things are back to normal I meant I will wait until my sisters has gone to her room for the night then I will be able to change into the clothes I like.
I am going to tell her about me soon though. Once I find my courage again. Now I remember hiding it somewhere around here....
Oh well, I'll find it eventually.
I hope your day was a good one Miss Liz.
Hugs,
Jeanette
My day is great...best thing to happen...I woke up!! After that ..well its all gravy!!! Seriously though I have had a good day, went over shopping for food today, even put a bit of makeup on...gasp yes I did its true. I am totally ID less and Card less as they are all getting replaced with the exception of a prepaid credit card that I loaded up to use while my new stuff came. My wife is heading off to see her mother in a small country town only about 3/12 hrs away but she will be there for the weekend and back Monday some time...go some prep to do for her...Just had a box of new clothes arrive from Target...all fairly boring stuff some big sloppy t-shirt and leggings, plus 3 winter nighties. SO I need to try that on and put it through the wash as well...busy girl that's for sure :D :D
Liz
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 20, 2017, 07:27:58 PM
Thank you p. Yes I managed to cope with the inconvenience okay. I survived.
My nephew left this morning and it didn't take me long to add a bra under my drab attire. Tonight will be my first chance since my sister came home to dress completely and be myself. I was really surprised by how much I miss dressing the way I like when I liked while my sister was in the hospital. I was even enjoying the excitement of the challenges I accepted from you terrible people, even though it was terrifying at times. I mean the nerve some of you displayed in cajoling and goading me to get out and do something . Sheesh! Pushy people! Thank you.
Anyway, it's back to normal around here. Soon I will be in a dress again and perhaps a bit of makeup and a wig to boot. Oh by the by, I ordered me another dress for target yesterday. It's a bright pink floral spring dress. I can't wait for it to arrive.
Hugs to everyone,
Jeanette
I promise no more pushing, cajoling, arm twisting, prodding, banner waving, laying it on thick, sweet talking for at least another week ;D
Enjoy your new dress Jeanette, along with a well earned rest.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Evening everyone,
Well, my sister Karen knows. The sister I live with. I talked to her tonight. She tells me that she is okay with it if it is what I want. Come to find out she knew of my wearing women's clothes.
It seems my Mom told her long ago. And that didn't bother her. She said that if I wanted her to know I would tell her some day. I didn't know my Mom knew for sure but I suspected as much as before we divorced my ex did a pretty good job at trying to sabotage me by telling everyone she could that I indulged in crossdressing. Even going so far as to come to my work and telling my supervisor.
Anyway, another one down and I should have a little more freedom to be me. Not full freedom as I still have nephews, a nephew's wife, an aunt and uncle who do not know as yet. Not to mention my neighbors that I don't really know. the maintenance man I see and talk to fairly regular and the manager for the apartment complex. So I still have exposure concerns. But at least I don't need to hide from my sister anymore.
(lump in throat and teary eyed atm)
Progress
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 21, 2017, 10:03:17 PM
Well, my sister Karen knows. The one I live with. I talked to her tonight. She tells me that she is okay with it if it is what I want. Come to find out she knew of my wearing women's clothes.
It seems my Mom told her long ago. And that didn't bother her. She said that if I wanted her to know I would tell her some day.
Congratulations, Jeanette! I'm so proud of you for facing yet another obstacle and putting it behind you. This is going to free you for a much more normal life -- outside your bedroom! Even if not full time, you should be able to relax in your own home now.
Love, Randy
Quote from: RandyL on April 21, 2017, 11:12:50 PM
Congratulations, Jeanette! I'm so proud of you for facing yet another obstacle and putting it behind you. This is going to free you for a much more normal life -- outside your bedroom! Even if not full time, you should be able to relax in your own home now.
Love, Randy
I agree this should help me into a little more freedom here at home. I don't want to overwhelm her though so I see a gradual progression of becoming more open with her seeing the real me.
Wowzers Jeanette, what wonderful news. You got me tearing up now girl.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie.
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 21, 2017, 10:03:17 PM
Evening everyone,
Well, my sister Karen knows. The sister I live with. I talked to her tonight. She tells me that she is okay with it if it is what I want. Come to find out she knew of my wearing women's clothes.
It seems my Mom told her long ago. And that didn't bother her. She said that if I wanted her to know I would tell her some day. I didn't know my Mom knew for sure but I suspected as much as before we divorced my ex did a pretty good job at trying to sabotage me by telling everyone she could that I indulged in crossdressing. Even going so far as to come to my work and telling my supervisor.
Anyway, another one down and I should have a little more freedom to be me. Not full freedom as I still have nephews, a nephew's wife, an aunt and uncle who do not know as yet. Not to mention my neighbors that I don't really know. the maintenance man I see and talk to fairly regular and the manager for the apartment complex. So I still have exposure concerns. But at least I don't need to hide from my sister anymore.
(lump in throat and teary eyed atm)
Progress
Hugs,
Jeanette
It always strikes me how our deepest and darkest secrets are so often not very deep and certainly not secret and as for dark? Well admitting that you are a lovely human being who has fought a lifetime struggle against nature is not dark, well in my opinion at least.
I have read so many times on this Forum, people quoting friends and relatives saying to the new fledgeling "Oh I've known for ages, I was wondering when you were going to admit it."
The next comments that arise are so often along the lines of: "Your eyes are so much alive these days - you look so happy, it is so lovely to see."
You realise what fear has robbed from you and you realise the gift that acceptance has given you: the world is brighter and the path is clearer. Yes there is a long way ahead and no doubt tears and more fear, but it is a lesser fear and most of the tears will be those of Joy and Happiness.
Congratulations Jeanette :-*
Now. It has taken me a few days to get my pain levels balanced, the same old story that you would know so well. Stitches, scars, severed nerves and tissue were having a fight to see who can dominate me, you would think by now my body would have realised that I don't give in and to just acquiesce to what I tell it to do.
With the in mind; when are we heading off for a make-over? Maybe the afternoon before dinner with a few girl friends?
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 21, 2017, 10:03:17 PM
Well, my sister Karen knows. The sister I live with. I talked to her tonight. She tells me that she is okay with it if it is what I want. Come to find out she knew of my wearing women's clothes.
. ...She said that if I wanted her to know I would tell her some day....
Hugs,
Jeanette
Since this is the person you live with, I would say its a pretty big deal, you can play it down all you want but I know how big of a deal this is for you... Fantastic, it wasn't that long ago you were talking about it being a long time before you ever told your sister....and now you are out to her with full permission to begin living your authentic life... there will be others you want to tell and I am sure this will give you the confidence to continue to move forward.
Well I guess you are going to need to fill out that wardrobe of yours especially when you go for your make over...was that early next week you were going to do that ;)
Congrats
Hugz
Liz
Congratulations, Jeanette! It is wonderful that you have the acceptance of your sister and some freedom to be yourself. It is quite an accomplishment to have summoned up the courage to face your fears and say what you needed to say. Well done, sister!
Cindy wrote:
QuoteWith the in mind; when are we heading off for a make-over? Maybe the afternoon before dinner with a few girl friends?
Squeeee! Makeover! So, what will it be? Ulta, Sephora, or MAC? Sephora does a freebie with a $50 purchase, which is nothing makeup-wise. Ulta will give you the works in a one-on-one tutorial for like $40 at the local shop. MAC likewise does tutorial makeovers. Oh, and there are so many nice restaurants nearby!
Want me to call and book the appointment for you? ;D
And of course that standing invitation to go out with the DV Girls as my guest is still good. We take over that high end consignment shop on the first Saturday after the first Monday of every month. I scored a gorgeous high waist white leather jacket there last time, along with great pull-on JAG boot-cut jeans and a lovely fitted Calvin Klein black blazer. Or Just dinner and company on the first and third Monday of each month...
Oh, we're going to have so much fun!
Quote from: Shy on April 22, 2017, 03:32:54 AM
Wowzers Jeanette, what wonderful news. You got me tearing up now girl.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie.
Thank you Sadie. LOL no need to cry about it. It's a good thing.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: Cindy on April 22, 2017, 04:34:21 AM
It always strikes me how our deepest and darkest secrets are so often not very deep and certainly not secret and as for dark? Well admitting that you are a lovely human being who has fought a lifetime struggle against nature is not dark, well in my opinion at least.
I have read so many times on this Forum, people quoting friends and relatives saying to the new fledgeling "Oh I've known for ages, I was wondering when you were going to admit it."
The next comments that arise are so often along the lines of: "Your eyes are so much alive these days - you look so happy, it is so lovely to see."
You realize what fear has robbed from you and you realize the gift that acceptance has given you: the world is brighter and the path is clearer. Yes there is a long way ahead and no doubt tears and more fear, but it is a lesser fear and most of the tears will be those of Joy and Happiness.
Congratulations Jeanette :-*
Now. It has taken me a few days to get my pain levels balanced, the same old story that you would know so well. Stitches, scars, severed nerves and tissue were having a fight to see who can dominate me, you would think by now my body would have realized that I don't give in and to just acquiesce to what I tell it to do.
With the in mind; when are we heading off for a make-over? Maybe the afternoon before dinner with a few girl friends?
Thank you Cindy for the good words again. Though my mom and sister never let on that they knew of my crossdressing, I had my suspicions that they might. I had a good idea my ex might have told my parents before we split because after I was helped from my home she did her best to tell everyone that knew me including work. As for my sister Karen, I didn't know Mom had told her. I thought it was my little sister Franki, That probably spilled the bean, I used to live at her house for a bit and she caught me en femme one day. It was okay with her at that time. SHe used to come here to visit and drinks alot staying up late yacking with Karen in her bedroom.
Karen also told me she thought I liked girls things when we were kids because I let my sisters, okay I requested, they dress me up as a girl for Halloween a few times. Sometimes the secret is in our own minds.
I'm sorry you are battling those post surgery travails and yes I know of them well and can commiserate with you. I must say I admire your attitude in the face of adversity. You are an example to us all here.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 22, 2017, 06:18:36 AM
Congratulations, Jeanette! It is wonderful that you have the acceptance of your sister and some freedom to be yourself. It is quite an accomplishment to have summoned up the courage to face your fears and say what you needed to say. Well done, sister!
Thank you Kathy. I admire you for your courage and dedication to becoming the woman you are in the eyes of those around you. Keep showing us newer girls how it's done.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: Cindy on April 22, 2017, 04:34:21 AM
With that in mind; when are we heading off for a make-over? Maybe the afternoon before dinner with a few girl friends?
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 22, 2017, 05:45:09 AM
Well I guess you are going to need to fill out that wardrobe of yours especially when you go for your make over...was that early next week you were going to do that ;)
Congrats
Hugz
Liz
Quote from: Michelle_P on April 22, 2017, 09:13:07 AM
Squeeee! Makeover! So, what will it be? Ulta, Sephora, or MAC? Sephora does a freebie with a $50 purchase, which is nothing makeup-wise. Ulta will give you the works in a one-on-one tutorial for like $40 at the local shop. MAC likewise does tutorial makeovers. Oh, and there are so many nice restaurants nearby!
Want me to call and book the appointment for you? ;D
CINDY !!!! Now see what you have gone and done? Why do you do this to me? Did you go and recruit Michelle and Liz to gang up on me or just they jump on the band wagon of their own volition?
I am not committing to this one for anytime soon. I am not quite ready for it IMHO. But it does sounds intriguing. Maybe someday... Perhaps a day when I go out to the coast to visit Tessa, She is the only one I know here so far. She's been around awhile, is very active and knows the ropes.
Liz and Michelle Thank you both for your encouragements, they do help.
Michelle that visit is in the realm of possibility someday. Thank you.
Hugs,
Jeanette
I know what you mean about missing getting dressed as my cousin came to visit late last night and I dressed androgynously ,jeans and hoodie but still feminine clothes . No wig and breast forms and it doesn't feel right without them, will make up for it tonight!!!!!!! Come on girl where's you sense of adventure, you have to do the make over.
Quote from: davina61 on April 22, 2017, 12:37:52 PM
I know what you mean about missing getting dressed as my cousin came to visit late last night and I dressed androgynously ,jeans and hoodie but still feminine clothes . No wig and breast forms and it doesn't feel right without them, will make up for it tonight!!!!!!!
It is a surprise, missing something you have only been able to do for a short time. Go for it tonight Davina party on!!
Quote from: davina61 on April 22, 2017, 12:37:52 PM
Come on girl where's you sense of adventure, you have to do the make over.
Et tu Davina? It's on my to do list with an open date. **sigh**
Hugs,
Jeanette
Well it sounds a great opportunity for Davina to join in having a makeover as well, if not in the same place at least in spirit!!
My first make over was with a Napolean Perdis franchise in the middle of a Mall and people walking past would watch. The result is my avatar pic, a few years old by now. I still buy buy his products but I like MAC as well.
Mmm does this mean we have to have several make overs to compare or we split up and try different products. So far we have Jeanette and Davina, Shy and KathyLauren are you joining? Who else?
<I thought I heard a strange shriek sound, rather like a scared mouse but I couldn't see one in my room>
Quote from: Cindy on April 22, 2017, 04:26:31 PM
Mmm does this mean we have to have several make overs to compare or we split up and try different products. So far we have Jeanette and Davina, Shy and KathyLauren are you joining? Who else?
I intend to go for a makeover really soon. My wife had one recently (while I was 'enjoying' a laser session) and recommended the lady to me.
Since I can't do it with Jeanette and the other ladies, we will have to do separate makeovers and compare results. :)
Quote from: Cindy on April 22, 2017, 04:26:31 PM
Well it sounds a great opportunity for Davina to join in having a makeover as well, if not in the same place at least in spirit!!
Mmm does this mean we have to have several make overs to compare or we split up and try different products. So far we have Jeanette and Davina, Shy and KathyLauren are you joining? Who else?
<I thought I heard a strange shriek sound, rather like a scared mouse but I couldn't see one in my room>
EEEEEEEEEEKKKK!!!
Yes, it was me you heard, CIndy. You are such a trouble maker aren't you? I could swear I mentioned something about not being ready for something like this yet. Heck, I haven't even been able to make it out the door during daylight hours dressed yet! Have mercy!
But I suspect you will continue to do what you do well Cindy.... Cajoling. yup mI expect we'll see more of it until the make overs happen. At least I have company this time... they say misery loves company....
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 22, 2017, 05:27:01 PM
I intend to go for a makeover really soon. My wife had one recently (while I was 'enjoying' a laser session) and recommended the lady to me.
Since I can't do it with Jeanette and the other ladies, we will have to do separate makeovers and compare results. :)
Somehow I knew you would take Cindy's side in this Kathy. aaaaarrrg
Hugs,
Jeanette
EEEEEEEEEEKKKK!!!
Yes, it was me you heard, CIndy. You are such a trouble maker aren't you? I could swear I mentioned something about not being ready for something like this yet. Heck, I haven't even been able to make it out the door during daylight hours dressed yet! Have mercy!
But I suspect you will continue to do what you do well Cindy.... Cajoling. yup mI expect we'll see more of it until the make overs happen. At least I have company this time... they say misery loves company....
Hugs,
Jeanette
Oh dear! We had better work on that one as a priority!! >:-)
Quote from: Cindy on April 22, 2017, 05:45:23 PM
EEEEEEEEEEKKKK!!!
Yes, it was me you heard, CIndy. You are such a trouble maker aren't you? I could swear I mentioned something about not being ready for something like this yet. Heck, I haven't even been able to make it out the door during daylight hours dressed yet! Have mercy!
But I suspect you will continue to do what you do well Cindy.... Cajoling. yup mI expect we'll see more of it until the make overs happen. At least I have company this time... they say misery loves company....
Hugs,
Jeanette
Oh dear! We had better work on that one as a priority!! >:-)
OMG I'm in trouble....
Although Cindy was certainly the inspiration for me joining in the cajoling I pretty much did that at my own ;D
Maybe I should start a Thread....I could call it "Jeanette's Makeover challenge"
Hmmm I could
Sorry that wasn't very nice of me... :D
Seriously though it might be fun to try and plan something for in the near future. I have done a Mac one awhile ago and bought an obscene amount of makeup...but it is easy to apply and looks great. Because it is such a good product it stays on well and a little goes a long way. I do have cheaper makeup but it rubs off or goes off quickly.
Doing a makeover with a group of Ladies where you have the whole salon to yourself sounds like heaps of fun... and a really safe way to do it.
Take care
Liz
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 21, 2017, 10:03:17 PM
Well, my sister Karen knows.
This is awesome. Congratulations.
Also,
Makeover! Makeover! Makeover!
*******crowds are chanting*******
Makeover! Makeover! Makeover!
Quote from: Jane Emily on April 22, 2017, 08:57:28 PM
This is awesome. Congratulations.
Also,
Makeover! Makeover! Makeover!
*******crowds are chanting*******
Makeover! Makeover! Makeover!
LMAO you too Jane?
Ha, I had a makeover a few weeks after coming out but ended up looking like Jack Sparrow after a night on the rum!
It did feel life affirming to be pampered in a crowded shopping mall though, kind of a 'right of passage'. There was this one guy who was apparently buying makeup for his girlfriend who stood and watched the whole procedure. Yeh, busted.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Shy
Today I am in female attire including earrings and nail polish but sans wig and makeup. I've had a couple short girl talk sessions with my sister about different things like clothes, polish, earrings and makeup. Mostly discussing our differences in tastes. Target has a sale on t-shirt type tops this week and we came up with an order for 7 of them, 4 for her and 3 for me. So far my sister is taking my coming out in stride.
Today I was brought to tears thinking about how my parents have told me how proud they have been of me and chances are that before the both died they were aware of my crossdressing and never said a thing to me about it. I cried thinking that I never had the courage to tell them and now it's too late.
Hugs,
Jeanette
You are a truely awesome woman.
:icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_flower: :icon_flower: :icon_flower: :icon_flower: :icon_flower: :icon_flower: :icon_flower: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:
Congratulations and my Love
Cindy
Quote from: Cindy on April 23, 2017, 04:22:52 PM
You are a truely awesome woman.
:icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_bunch: :icon_flower: :icon_flower: :icon_flower: :icon_flower: :icon_flower: :icon_flower: :icon_flower: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:
Congratulations and my Love
Cindy
Thank you Cindy, but I have done anything yet. And no I am not going outside in the daylight yet!! NO!
And how are you doing these days Cindy? I know you have had some rough post surgery issues for a few days from another of your posts and that you were doing a bit better. But how are you doing with other aspects of your life? How are you adapting to the stoma? Are there plans to give you back some kind of speech capability or have they done so already? What about your health now? Darn it Cindy, how are you feeling?
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 23, 2017, 04:07:57 PM
. I cried thinking that I never had the courage to tell them and now it's too late.
Hugs,
Jeanette
I read an article the other day and I don't even know how much of it was a beat up but it made sense to me. A number of people dying in a hospice were asked a series of questions before they died and one of them is "What is your biggest regret"...the top answer was that they wished they had been "true to themselves and lived more authentically" Whilst not the exact answer as written this is pretty much what was said.
Whilst it may be just another Facebook meme it rang a bell with me because when I think about it, I guess that it
was my biggest regret in life...not being able to be me.
2 weeks ago it was a deep dark secret that you were prepared to die with, despite the discomfort...now you can be yourself at home...I saw in another thread where you said you were taking it easy on your sister and not dressing fem in front of her... you do realise that the restriction you are putting in place is actually about you and not her as I bet she doesn't care, I did exactly the same...Oh yes, of course it is for
their benefit, because
they are fragile and I don't want to break
them..... when really it was about my lack of confidence/courage, Someone said something to me along the lines of "They would not have batted an eye lid and were probably expecting a change in appearance"...After some real soul searching I realised it wasn't about them it was about me and my own level of self consciousness. Guess who was responsible for planting that little gemstone in my head...
You are doing great and should be proud of your progress
Hugs
Liz
Thank you Liz,
Yes you are likely right in that my own lack of confidence and fears are a factor in my gradual exposure of my dressing in front of my sister. However when I came out to her she did say something about it possibly being an initial shock when she saw me all dressed for the first time but would soon get over it. So gradual is is, but not very. Yesterday was very little and today was full attire w/o makeup or wig. This is likely my everyday look if I am not needing to be seen by the public. Yes, I'm still chicken. If I'm not going out en femme makeup and wig will be optional at least for now.
And yes I am visualizing a day where I may be going outside en femme.
Has it really been only 2 weeks? No it has to be longer than that. I went to that support meeting at least a month ago.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 23, 2017, 06:16:37 PM
Thank you Liz,
Yes you are likely right in that my own lack of confidence and fears are a factor in my gradual exposure of my dressing in front of my sister. However when I came out to her she did say something about it possibly being an initial shock when she saw me all dressed for the first time but would soon get over it. So gradual is is, but not very. Yesterday was very little and today was full attire w/o makeup or wig. This is likely my everyday look if I am not needing to be seen by the public. Yes, I'm still chicken. If I'm not going out en femme makeup and wig will be optional at least for now.
And yes I am visualizing a day where I may be going outside en femme.
Has it really been only 2 weeks? No it has to be longer than that. I went to that support meeting at least a month ago.
Hugs,
Jeanette
2 weeks ago it was a deep dark secret with your sister...is what I meant. ;D
Awhile ago I was talking to my wife about my father and why he reacted to me in the way he did at Xmass and she said "The problem is that every time he thinks of you he sees Devine (Famous Cabaret Drag Performer)" I have to say I have never thought of it and upon asking him more recently about this it turns out she was absolutely right...even to the exact performer.
I went further and asked a few people who I was out to and a number of them had an image in their heads that was "less than flattering" until I turned up looking like any other 50 year old woman... I am sure you will dispel this myth pretty quickly with her(if she even imagines you like that) and it will become a non-issue or one that you embrace together and enjoy.
Liz
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 23, 2017, 04:59:54 PM
Thank you Cindy, but I have done anything yet. And no I am not going outside in the daylight yet!! NO!
And how are you doing these days Cindy? I know you have had some rough post surgery issues for a few days from another of your posts and that you were doing a bit better. But how are you doing with other aspects of your life? How are you adapting to the stoma? Are there plans to give you back some kind of speech capability or have they done so already? What about your health now? Darn it Cindy, how are you feeling?
Hugs,
Jeanette
I'm really good. I had my first outpatient follow up last Thursday and was surprised that I had the whole team of 2 consultants and 4 registrars seeing me, seemingly I'm a bit of a star in my recovery time so they're interested in how I'm going. I was asked the usual about pain etc and I said yep, heaps of pain. I was told I had a choice, I have been so heavily irradiated that my wound healing will be slow and scars (both external and internal) will be very tight unless I keep flexing them. If I don't keep flexing I will not have pain but will have very poor movement,. I of course told them that I will have total free movement as soon as possible and as for pain - bring it on.
I'm having a TOF voice system inserted in a week or so, depending upon healing, and will then learn to talk again. I'm also being part of a clinical trial for a new type of stoma button and that will arrive soon.
Eating was an issue so I started to puree my food and then began one meal puree next meal chew and swallow. Last night I had a full home made roast chicken dinner, all chew and although it took me a while I ate the lot without too many swelling issues. Sometimes I need to stand up to allow gravity to help me swallow but that's easy.
I also had a catch up with the pathologist who looked after my histology. We have worked together and been friends for over 30 years so it has been quite a difficult time for him. Anyhow, the cancer had started to spread in the larynx but there were clear margins and it was removed. I had a neck dissection while under and so they kept sending samples to him for checking, the routine is that they will look at about 3 or 4 sentinel lymph nodes and various tissue samples. He called in his Registrars and looked at 35 sentinel nodes and 15 tissue samples while I was under and everything was clear. No wonder I was under for so long but what service!
As for life, well I'm slowly getting back to work here and getting around to some projects that I was supposed to do but had shelved for a while.
I've started a new photography project that I am enjoying.
I'm walking for 1-2 hours a day, my left thigh muscle is now my throat so I need to build up that muscle again.
But most of my time is spent in rebuilding myself, I still need about 10 hours sleep at night and 2-3 hours during the day. I'm down to 48kg so I need to put on about 15 kgs to get back to a healthy weight and I'm trying to balance my pain threshold with meditation and medication to achieve a balance that I am happy with.
Oh and I smile a lot and love life as only people who have had our experiences can.
In my spare time I have taken up the sport of cajoling :angel: :laugh:
Quote from: Cindy on April 23, 2017, 07:01:51 PM
I'm really good. I had my first outpatient follow up last Thursday and was surprised that I had the whole team of 2 consultants and 4 registrars seeing me, seemingly I'm a bit of a star in my recovery time so they're interested in how I'm going. I was asked the usual about pain etc and I said yep, heaps of pain. I was told I had a choice, I have been so heavily irradiated that my wound healing will be slow and scars (both external and internal) will be very tight unless I keep flexing them. If I don't keep flexing I will not have pain but will have very poor movement,. I of course told them that I will have total free movement as soon as possible and as for pain - bring it on.
I'm having a TOF voice system inserted in a week or so, depending upon healing, and will then learn to talk again. I'm also being part of a clinical trial for a new type of stoma button and that will arrive soon.
Eating was an issue so I started to puree my food and then began one meal puree next meal chew and swallow. Last night I had a full home made roast chicken dinner, all chew and although it took me a while I ate the lot without too many swelling issues. Sometimes I need to stand up to allow gravity to help me swallow but that's easy.
I also had a catch up with the pathologist who looked after my histology. We have worked together and been friends for over 30 years so it has been quite a difficult time for him. Anyhow, the cancer had started to spread in the larynx but there were clear margins and it was removed. I had a neck dissection while under and so they kept sending samples to him for checking, the routine is that they will look at about 3 or 4 sentinel lymph nodes and various tissue samples. He called in his Registrars and looked at 35 sentinel nodes and 15 tissue samples while I was under and everything was clear. No wonder I was under for so long but what service!
As for life, well I'm slowly getting back to work here and getting around to some projects that I was supposed to do but had shelved for a while.
I've started a new photography project that I am enjoying.
I'm walking for 1-2 hours a day, my left thigh muscle is now my throat so I need to build up that muscle again.
But most of my time is spent in rebuilding myself, I still need about 10 hours sleep at night and 2-3 hours during the day. I'm down to 48kg so I need to put on about 15 kgs to get back to a healthy weight and I'm trying to balance my pain threshold with meditation and medication to achieve a balance that I am happy with.
Oh and I smile a lot and love life as only people who have had our experiences can.
In my spare time I have taken up the sport of cajoling :angel: :laugh:
Wow! Cindy, what a work load. You certainly have a lot of stuff going on with your recovery. But heck Lady, I can tell you are on top of it all. There's a lot of challenges there too and I think by reading your dissertation that you are up to the task. Dang it, Cindy What I mean to say is that you sound like you are doing great! You're in pain as you should be at this point, but that is only the physical. Your attitude and love of life is exemplary for the rest of us that haven't had the challenges you have. It also sounds like you are in good hands there and getting the care you need and deserve. It is really good to read this update on you.
Yes (sigh) I know all about that new sport of yours... I suppose it's good for me. I should be flattered that you have taken this interest in me. I feel accepted and part of the family in part because of it. I've been made to feel at home here by not only you but by many of the other ladies here. I thank you and them for that.
I am glad, happy, overjoyed that you are doing better Cindy. Keep fighting for that mischievous life of yours so we can all benefit from having you around many more years.
Love ya you cantankerous old broad,
Jeanette
I don't always get a chance to check in on this thread but I am glad I did. It is good to hear about Cindy's progress. Do I have it right that Jeanette is forcing everyone to get makeovers? Oh, and was there something about vampire cross dressers who only go out at night? Well anyway, I hope I am not too late to say congrats for telling your sister Jeanette? It is so great to watch you move forward.
Moni
PS Is cajoling when you go to a bar and make a fool of yourself by singing the lyrics while they play the music?
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 23, 2017, 07:47:14 PM
I don't always get a chance to check in on this thread but I am glad I did. It is good to hear about Cindy's progress. Do I have it right that Jeanette is forcing everyone to get makeovers? Oh, and was there something about vampire cross dressers who only go out at night? Well anyway, I hope I am not too late to say congrats for telling your sister Jeanette? It is so great to watch you move forward.
Moni
PS Is cajoling when you go to a bar and make a fool of yourself by singing the lyrics while they play the music?
*sigh* No Moni Cindy is the one instigating and cajoling about makeovers. I am an innocent victim.
Vampire crossdresser huh? not quite right but I can see where you could get the idea.
Thanks for the kudos
I think you mean karaoke... cajoling is the trouble making and harassing that Cindy does to coerce newer people into doing thing they are uncomfortable doing.
You are welcome to come read this thread more often if you want.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 23, 2017, 08:43:09 PM
*sigh* No Moni Cindy is the one instigating and cajoling about makeovers. I am an innocent victim.
Vampire crossdresser huh? not quite right but I can see where you could get the idea.
Thanks for the kudos
I think you mean karaoke... cajoling is the trouble making and harassing that Cindy does to coerce newer people into doing thing they are uncomfortable doing.
You are welcome to come read this thread more often if you want.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Jeanette,
Thanks for the invite. I will try to visit more. I do have a fear of cajoling, innocent victims, karaoke, vampires, and, most importantly, being on Cindy's instigating radar. Did I forget Feng Shui and makeovers? Pretty scary thread you have here. >:-)
Moni
Jeanette--sorry to be late to the party. Congratulations on coming out to your sister! This is so huge--freedom to be yourself in your own home. From your posts I can sense the relief already. Not that there won't be a road ahead w/ your sister re: acceptance and fully coming to terms, but it sounds like you are off to a fantastic start with her. So excited for these steps you have taken (and the steps you are considering--MAKE-O-VER, MAKE-O-VER >:-)). Love, P
Quote from: p on April 24, 2017, 01:17:16 PM
Jeanette--sorry to be late to the party. Congratulations on coming out to your sister! This is so huge--freedom to be yourself in your own home. From your posts I can sense the relief already. So excited for these steps you have taken Love, P
Thank you p, it seems I was wrong about my sister and what she was talking about when she said weirdos in reference to LGBTQ. She was talking about the acronym itself not the people it represents. She doesn't like how everybody seems to us acronyms these days instead of the words everyone can understand. So far I am having no problems with my sister's acceptance.
Quote from: p on April 24, 2017, 01:17:16 PM
J So excited for these steps you have taken (and the steps you are considering--MAKE-O-VER, MAKE-O-VER >:-)). Love, P
aaaarrrg!!
CINDY!! See what you are doing? You have started a movement!!
Hugs,
Jeanette
But I thought it was you who started this whole make over thing...challenging us poor defenceless souls, wicked of you I say absolutely wicked... I still Like "Jeanette's Makeover Challenge" as a topic...has a certain ring to it
On a more serious note
How have the last few days been with your sister? Is it working out the way you hoped....
Liz
Hi Liz,
First off Liz, to set the record straight Cindy was the troublemaker as usual as seen below.
Quote from: Cindy on April 22, 2017, 04:34:21 AM
With the in mind; when are we heading off for a make-over? Maybe the afternoon before dinner with a few girl friends?
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 24, 2017, 06:07:35 PM
But I thought it was you who started this whole make over thing...challenging us poor defenceless souls, wicked of you I say absolutely wicked... I still Like "Jeanette's Makeover Challenge" as a topic...has a certain ring to it
On a more serious note
How have the last few days been with your sister? Is it working out the way you hoped....
Liz
As far as coming out to my sister goes, it seems as I was mistaken about what she meant when she "weirdos" when we were talking about LGBTQ and it meaning. She was actually referring to the use of the acronym being used instead of saying the words so everyone could understand what it means. She didn't mean the people were weirdos. So me fears were misplaced. My sister has been great so far. We have even had a few short sessions of what I would describe as girl talk. A few words on nails and polish, earrings, taste in clothes. makeup use in general terms etc.
I haven't been in full girl mode in front of her yet. Though I was in complete female dress with earrings and nail polish yesterday. I only lacked wig and makeup.
Today was back in male mode due to having to be out and about in public taking her for a doctor's appointment, checking mail, and doing laundry. I change to more preferred dress a bit later.
But things are going well with my sister and in general. I'm not complaining today.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 24, 2017, 06:29:55 PM
Hi Liz,
First off Liz, to set the record straight Cindy was the troublemaker as usual as seen below.
Quote from: Cindy on April 22, 2017, 04:34:21 AM
With the in mind; when are we heading off for a make-over? Maybe the afternoon before dinner with a few girl friends?
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 24, 2017, 06:07:35 PM
But I thought it was you who started this whole make over thing...challenging us poor defenceless souls, wicked of you I say absolutely wicked... I still Like "Jeanette's Makeover Challenge" as a topic...has a certain ring to it
On a more serious note
How have the last few days been with your sister? Is it working out the way you hoped....
Liz
As far as coming out to my sister goes, it seems as I was mistaken about what she meant when she "weirdos" when we were talking about LGBTQ and it meaning. She was actually referring to the use of the acronym being used instead of saying the words so everyone could understand what it means. She didn't mean the people were weirdos. So me fears were misplaced. My sister has been great so far. We have even had a few short sessions of what I would describe as girl talk. A few words on nails and polish, earrings, taste in clothes. makeup use in general terms etc.
I haven't been in full girl mode in front of her yet. Though I was in complete female dress with earrings and nail polish yesterday. I only lacked wig and makeup.
Today was back in male mode due to having to be out and about in public taking her for a doctor's appointment, checking mail, and doing laundry. I change to more preferred dress a bit later.
But things are going well with my sister and in general. I'm not complaining today.
Hugs,
Jeanette
All I can say is: Fake News and Alternative Facts
Quote from: Cindy on April 24, 2017, 06:34:56 PM
As far as coming out to my sister goes, it seems as I was mistaken about what she meant when she "weirdos" when we were talking about LGBTQ and it meaning. She was actually referring to the use of the acronym being used instead of saying the words so everyone could understand what it means. She didn't mean the people were weirdos. So me fears were misplaced. My sister has been great so far. We have even had a few short sessions of what I would describe as girl talk. A few words on nails and polish, earrings, taste in clothes. makeup use in general terms etc.
I haven't been in full girl mode in front of her yet. Though I was in complete female dress with earrings and nail polish yesterday. I only lacked wig and makeup.
Today was back in male mode due to having to be out and about in public taking her for a doctor's appointment, checking mail, and doing laundry. I change to more preferred dress a bit later.
But things are going well with my sister and in general. I'm not complaining today.
Hugs,
Jeanette
All I can say is: Fake News and Alternative Facts
OMG!! ROFLMAO Cindy
I see this as just another instance of you Aussies messing with us Yanks.
Quote from: Cindy on April 24, 2017, 06:34:56 PM
All I can say is: Fake News and Alternative Facts
Its just sad when that happens...
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 24, 2017, 06:43:09 PM
Its just sad when that happens...
Just sitting here shaking my head in disbelief.
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 24, 2017, 06:44:59 PM
Just sitting here shaking my head in disbelief.
It's Ok dear just breathe.... :D :D
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 24, 2017, 06:29:55 PM
Hi Liz,
First off Liz, to set the record straight Cindy was the troublemaker as usual as seen below.
As far as coming out to my sister goes, it seems as I was mistaken about what she meant when she "weirdos" when we were talking about LGBTQ and it meaning. She was actually referring to the use of the acronym being used instead of saying the words so everyone could understand what it means. She didn't mean the people were weirdos. So me fears were misplaced. My sister has been great so far. We have even had a few short sessions of what I would describe as girl talk. A few words on nails and polish, earrings, taste in clothes. makeup use in general terms etc.
I haven't been in full girl mode in front of her yet. Though I was in complete female dress with earrings and nail polish yesterday. I only lacked wig and makeup.
Today was back in male mode due to having to be out and about in public taking her for a doctor's appointment, checking mail, and doing laundry. I change to more preferred dress a bit later.
But things are going well with my sister and in general. I'm not complaining today.
Hugs,
Jeanette
That is really great that your sister has turned out to be so supportive of you and that you have broken the ice with her as far as your presentation. That must feel pretty good that you can now move at your own pace with out restriction. It might take a bit of getting used to but I am sure you will make it.
I would argue you have been in full girl mode by dressing as yourself... putting on the wig and makeup is not going to suddenly change things for her. Having said that it was not so long ago I wouldn't take a handbag with me because it was going to make the difference as to wether I attracted attention or not....maybe the long hair, female shoes, clothes and jewellery might actually have been a catalyst for attracting attention. I had to stop myself thinking like that because it really didn't make any sense and was more about acceptance...it was one of the things that helped me make the decision about going fulltime.
It a bummer you have to return to drab mode when you go out but that will change. You are making great progress and you sound happy...maybe not so much about the make over LOL but on the whole you sound happy.
Hugs
Liz
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 24, 2017, 07:15:09 PM
That is really great that your sister has turned out to be so supportive of you and that you have broken the ice with her as far as your presentation. That must feel pretty good that you can now move at your own pace with out restriction. It might take a bit of getting used to but I am sure you will make it.
I would argue you have been in full girl mode by dressing as yourself... putting on the wig and makeup is not going to suddenly change things for her....... I had to stop myself thinking like that because it really didn't make any sense and was more about acceptance...it was one of the things that helped me make the decision about going fulltime.
It a bummer you have to return to drab mode when you go out but that will change. You are making great progress and you sound happy...maybe not so much about the make over LOL but on the whole you sound happy.
Hugs
Liz
You may have something there Liz, These last few weeks have made me feel a little bit more comfortable with myself. A little less fear that what I am doing isn't the right thing and a little more confident that it is right. But then when I think about going outside my door in broad daylight and those fears and doubts come flooding back.
I could be happy. You might be right. I certainly do not feel I have a crisis at the moment. No reason to pick up the phone and call my therapist. Nothing pressing to talk to him about before my scheduled appointment on the 9th.
I am getting a bit anxious to have my next blood tests done so I can approach my doctor about increasing my estradiol and/or possibly adding progesterone. He said he would schedule the tests for 3 months but it will actually be 4 months by the time it is scheduled for on the 22nd. It's been 3 months already and I want it now. LOL
Is that fickle or what? I'm afraid to start being a woman in public but I want more HRT drugs so I can become a woman. Isn't that silly?
I looked online for electrolysis and there isn't much close to me. Pretty much only one that is by appointment only and I don't know anything about them except what is on their site which isn't much. There are a few in Portland (which isn't far) but I really dislike having to go into the city. The local LGBTQ+ center may have more possibilities but again they would be in Portland and if not downtown then likely in an area I like even less. Perhaps I should look south in towards Salem. It maybe the capital but it isn't as built up like Portland is. I feel I should be getting something like that started... but then that is yet another irreversible step... That may be what is holding me back from it. Yes, I'm doing better but...... lol
Yeah ,I am doing good today, even in male mode. I think I will go put on a dress. My sister hasn't seen me in a dress yet. lol
Hugs,
Jeanette
Definitely get started on the electrolysis. Sooner is better.
What are the odds that you would ever want to grow a beard? I am guessing slim to none. So, although it is an "irreversable" step, it is one without any negative consequence. (Other than a bit of physical pain. OK, quite a lot of pain.)
I had a beard right up until the day I came out to my wife. But it was part of my disguise. Once the need for a disguise was gone, I was happy to lose it permanently. But now I am full-time and growing stubble three days a week so the electrologist has something to work with. Ugh! Talk about dysphoric. I wish I had started it much earlier. But I just couldn't wait the couple of years it would have taken to clear my face, so it is what it is.
Thanks for the input Kathy, My facial disguise was a mustache, a nice gray mustache. I wore it fir something like 15 years maybe a few more. It's been gone for a few years now it looked terrible with lipstick.
Well I didn't change into a dress. I'm in a black skirt and red/black cowl neck top with a 2" stretch belt. On my head is my short wig with sparkly large hoop earrings and on my feet 3 1/2 black heels. I went out to show my sister saying "how is this for a different look?" her response? "Wow, it is different" then we talked about our different clothing tastes. Such as, she isn't a high heel girl where I am, she prefers baggy boys jeans (she has 3 pairs of mine that I can't wear anymore) and I like skirts and dresses. But now she has seen me in a skirt and a wig. Makeup will be another time.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 24, 2017, 08:44:47 PM
I'm in a black skirt and red/black cowl neck top with a 2" stretch belt. On my head is my short wig with sparkly large hoop earrings and on my feet 3 1/2 black heels. I went out to show my sister saying "how is this for a different look?" her response? "Wow, it is different" then we talked about our different clothing tastes. Such as, she isn't a high heel girl where I am, she prefers baggy boys jeans (she has 3 pairs of mine that I can't wear anymore) and I like skirts and dresses. But now she has seen me in a skirt and a wig. Makeup will be another time.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Wow, great! You are on a roll! Makeover soon?
Randy
Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
Quote from: RandyL on April 24, 2017, 09:08:04 PM
Wow, great! You are on a roll! Makeover soon?
Randy
Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
Randy...:D :D ;D ;D
aaaarrrg!
So, what day of the week are you going to do the makeover, Jeanette?
Moni
And have we had our ears pierced as yet?
Quote from: Cindy on April 24, 2017, 09:41:53 PM
And have we had our ears pierced as yet?
Uh huh, Looking to cause more trouble aren't you Cindy? You are, I know you are. >:-) >:-) >:-) >:-)
You will have to find another victim for this one though. I have 4 piercings. 2 in each ear lobe.
So there ! :P :P :P :P
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 24, 2017, 09:29:01 PM
So, what day of the week are you going to do the makeover, Jeanette?
Moni
MONI !!
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 24, 2017, 10:02:01 PM
MONI !!
Sorry, just trying to help Cindy...I mean, you! >:-)
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 24, 2017, 10:00:43 PM
Uh huh, Looking to cause more trouble aren't you Cindy? You are, I know you are. >:-) >:-) >:-) >:-)
You will have to find another victim for this one though. I have 4 piercings. 2 in each ear lobe.
So there ! :P :P :P :P
Hugs,
Jeanette
Ha, ha. That put a hole or two in Cindy's master plan ;D. Now about that makeover, i'm sure someone mentioned a makeover, in fact I'm definitely sure someone mentioned a MaKeOvEr :-*
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on April 25, 2017, 03:06:24 AM
Ha, ha. That put a hole or two in Cindy's master plan ;D. Now about that makeover, i'm sure someone mentioned a makeover, in fact I'm definitely sure someone mentioned a MaKeOvEr :-*
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Sadie, you are not helping... I swear there's a conspiracy going on here.
Hugs,
Jeanette
No conspiracy...we are out to get you mmmwwwwwaaaaahhahahahhh
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 25, 2017, 04:25:58 PM
No conspiracy...we are out to get you mmmwwwwwaaaaahhahahahhh
I KNEW IT!!! LOL
Okay, so today I spent a good part of the day in male mode again. I went to Target to return what wa suppose to be a cute pink dress that when it arrived turned out to be a completely different color being a horrible shade more red and yucky than pink so back to the store for a refund it went. Then I had to fill the pickup up with gas before going to buy some things at Costco. I was too self conscious to take a good look at the women's clothes they sell there. Then it was off to the grocery store for some veggies for the venison stew my sister is cooking.
Back home again I had to go over to the manager office and discuss some items in the new lease we will need to sign. Discussions done with a status of "There's a new agreement coming out in a week or so, so why don't you just wait until that one comes out?" arrrg After I read all 57 pages too. Discussion over I ask my 24 year old femal manager how many trans people she knew. He answer was "Quite a few, why?" My response? "Well now you know one more, me" So we proceeded to talk about me. trans people in general and a couple she know that are prominent in Portland. (one that even owns a trans club). She even told me VS bras are the best. I said they don't have m size and she told me there another brand she could remember for sure, that might be better for me and she would look into it and tell me. I mentioned how I am being hounded about a makeover by several friends on this site and how I didn't feel ready for something like that yet. She tried to tell me I needed to get a manicure and a pedicure. aaaaaarrrrrgg! Anyway the news was well received.
Back in the apartment talking with my sister about clothes again I did a little show and tell with several of my dress and a skirt and blouse set. She like a couple and others not so much as they are her style. later she commented that talking girl talk with me was weird but that it also seemed natural. She said she didn't have a problem talking about girl stuff with me.
I am now out of my male clothes and wearing that cute floral skirt and blouse set, have 2 pairs of earrings in, and my flat sandals on my feet showing off my painted toes. ;D Thinking of applying some polish on my finger nails now. Perhaps I'll don a wig also.
Well that is my day so far coming up on dinner time.
Hugs,
Jeanette
So a lovely and ever increasingly confident woman has arisen from the ash of a lonely man. How lovely :-*
You are very brave and I am very proud of you.
Love and Hugs
Cindy
Quote from: Cindy on April 25, 2017, 07:00:51 PM
So a lovely and ever increasingly confident woman has arisen from the ash of a lonely man. How lovely :-*
You are very brave and I am very proud of you.
Love and Hugs
Cindy
I don't know about that Cindy... But I will thank you for it.
I'm still not going out in broad daylight for a makeover yet!!
Hugs andlove,
Jeanette
Way to go Jeanette! Your world is getting bigger and bigger. Ain't it nice?
Proud of you too.
Moni
Nice way to broach the topic with the manager, and I'm glad that went well. I know that was a lurking pain point for you. The obstacles to ease in your life are falling over more and more rapidly now -- way to go!
I also want to be clear that the whole makeover deal is not driven by anything that we see in your photos -- you look great already. We just know (well, in my case "think" or "hope") that it would be fun. Actually I mentioned our joking around to my wife, and she (a) didn't know what a makeover was LOL and (b) thought it would be fun to do together when I explained it.
Onward and upward! Love, Randy
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 25, 2017, 07:09:48 PM
Way to go Jeanette! Your world is getting bigger and bigger. Ain't it nice?
Proud of you too.
Moni
Thank you Monica. I just thought I needed to give the office a heads up just in case a strange woman was seen sneaking out my door and into my pickup someday.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Well done, Jeanette!
Quote from: RandyL on April 25, 2017, 07:40:27 PM
Nice way to broach the topic with the manager, and I'm glad that went well. I know that was a lurking pain point for you. The obstacles to ease in your life are falling over more and more rapidly now -- way to go!
I also want to be clear that the whole makeover deal is not driven by anything that we see in your photos -- you look great already. We just know (well, in my case "think" or "hope") that it would be fun. Actually I mentioned our joking around to my wife, and she (a) didn't know what a makeover was LOL and (b) thought it would be fun to do together when I explained it.
Onward and upward! Love, Randy
Thank you too Randy, I never did think this makeover thing had anything to do with my looks. Rather I know it is my friends nudging me along (hmmm goading may apply to some as well as cajoling does to others). Where was I? Oh yeah nudging me along a step at a time on my journey knowing that each it will help me come to accept myself and give me a bit more confidence.
Sneaking conniving women that they are, I still gotta love em.
Hey, Randy I think your wife had a wonderful idea. When are you two doing it? This weekend? Better get your reservations in now.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 25, 2017, 07:51:36 PM
Well done, Jeanette!
Thank you Kathy but it pales in light of what you are doing.
Besides this one was easy. (sssshhh) :-X
Hugs,
Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 25, 2017, 07:57:43 PM
Hey, Randy I think your wife had a wonderful idea. When are you two doing it? This weekend? Better get your reservations in now.
Hehe. I'm applying for a new job. After I either get it or don't -- then!
Randy
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 25, 2017, 08:00:10 PM
Thank you Kathy but it pales in light of what you are doing.
Besides this one was easy. (sssshhh) :-X
Hugs,
Jeanette
My journey started with exactly the kind of steps that you took today. If I can do it, so can you.
Quote from: RandyL on April 25, 2017, 08:07:41 PM
Hehe. I'm applying for a new job. After I either get it or don't -- then!
Randy
I have my eye on you Randy. I'll be watching for it.
Jeanette
Today I realized I am becoming more comfortable in dressing girly. It is becoming more normal to me. I have been able to spend more time in girl mode since I told my sister Karen. I am truly feeling the freedom to be me. Not quite ready to start going out in the light of day yet though so still changing to boy mode when I have things to do out side.
Tonight I called a girlfriend in Florida. I have known her for 8 - 10 years. Met her playing World of Warcraft back in the Liche King days, so it's been awhile. I have met her in person three times now and have sleep on her couch during 2 visits I made to see her in Fl. It dawned on me that I had no idea how she would react when I told her about me as we have never had a conversation the even touched on the LGBTQ+ subject. Tonight I told her and as it turns out I am the first person she knows in that category. After telling her I asked what she thought about it and her answer was that she didn't really know but that she still loves me.
We talked about it for almost 2 hours and I told her everything she asked about. I even shared several pictures with her. Including what my sexual preferences were. I answered honestly that I had fantasized what being with a man would be like and how it would feel to be with a man as a woman but that to me men are only a means to an end. I like woman still and therefore would be considered a lesbian. We talked about a lot of things and I think she is 100% okay with it.
I then chatted with her adult daughter (she has 2) who I chat with a little frequently and told her about myself too, I had to convince her I was not kidding her (I have a reputation...) even after showing her some pictures. She didn't thing the first 2 I sent were actually me. I did finally convince her and like her mom I am the first trans person she has known. She was shocked. But again it went well. She suggest we go get our noses pierced next time I come visit because she noticed I already have my ears pierced. (her mom never noticed my ears were pierced and ask me if they were tonight)
Anyway 2 more people now know. Since I don't have a lot of friends and only 2 more relatives I have to tell I don't have many more to tell personally.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Going well then 8)
not long till the make over then ;)
Great to here you're finding new freedoms Jeanette. Seriously girl, I can't keep up with you anymore.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on April 27, 2017, 03:30:13 PM
Great to here you're finding new freedoms Jeanette. Seriously girl, I can't keep up with you anymore.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Sure you can Sadie. Here take my hands and we'll walk together one step at a time.
Hugs,
Jeanette or Laura or possibly Laura Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 27, 2017, 01:09:53 AM
Today I realized I am becoming more comfortable in dressing girly. It is becoming more normal to me. I have been able to spend more time in girl mode since I told my sister Karen. I am truly feeling the freedom to be me. Not quite ready to start going out in the light of day yet though so still changing to boy mode when I have things to do out side.
That is fantastic that you are getting more time to be you and feeling much more comfortable doing it. Don't fall into the trap of putting pressure on yourself to be "girly" all the time...you don't have to be anything anymore...you get to set the rules...
I can see you are not far away from getting itchy feet...that will come soon enough and you won't be worrying about going out because you will be...and after the first few times its gets easier and easier.
Liz
So, according to the by laws of this thread, does changing your name get you out of makeover harassment duty? I think someone is trying to pull a fast one here ladies.
Moni (Like Connie or Bonnie, Jeanette pronounced Laura :) )
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 27, 2017, 06:00:50 PM
That is fantastic that you are getting more time to be you and feeling much more comfortable doing it. Don't fall into the trap of putting pressure on yourself to be "girly" all the time...you don't have to be anything anymore...you get to set the rules...
I can see you are not far away from getting itchy feet...that will come soon enough and you won't be worrying about going out because you will be...and after the first few times its gets easier and easier.
Liz
Thanks Liz. Yes it is good to get up and wear what I want until I have to go outside. I won't be running out into that big wide world just yet though. Besides Liz the world isn't ready for me yet!! (I think I got that right)
I had an awkward few moments when my nephew dropped by to see his mom and pick up their mail that's still being delivered here. (He's the one she told the other night) I was in my bedroom ( my cave as my Mom used to called it). It's where I live in the apartment. Anyway my door was wide open and I felt a moments panic to rush over to shut it. But then I said to myself, he knows already and if he comes in he will see me as I am, (in a dress, sandals, earrings and necklace) he'll just have to get used to it. I am not hiding in my own home from him or his wife. I didn't have to worry as he didn't pop into my room to talk to me. He talked to his mom a few minutes and left.
I get to make the rules? Tell Moni that, I just got done teaching her how her name is pronounced. She was saying it wrong. See that Moni I make the rules, and I say it's Moni as in phony baloney. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I am toying with possibly calling myself Laura. I like it and it's a nice dignified name (lmao me dignified? no way!!) If I decide on Laura Jeanette Wxxxxx I can keep my initials. :) :) :) 8) 8)
Hugs,
Jeanette or Laura or Laura Jeanette
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 27, 2017, 08:12:33 PM
So, according to the by laws of this thread, does changing your name get you out of makeover harassment duty? I think someone is trying to pull a fast one here ladies.
Moni (Like Connie or Bonnie, Jeanette pronounced Laura :) )
Thread laws?? What thread laws, Moni (as in balony)? But I do like the escape clause...
Hugs,
Laura Jeanette or just Laura, maybe Jeanette
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 27, 2017, 09:23:17 PM
Thread laws?? What thread laws, Moni (as in balony)? But I do like the escape clause...
Hugs,
Laura Jeanette or just Laura, maybe Jeanette
Well Laura Jeanette or Laura...I think Moni (what has Moni got to say about the pronouncement) is right, however technically it normally only applies to those using the name Laura or a derivative. The rules are quite clear on this...if you change your name from Jeanette to Laura you have to have a makeover...clear as day they are!! Ask Cindy if you don't believe me or Moni (as in boni?) they will both agree with me I am sure.
Liz
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 27, 2017, 11:57:29 PM
Well Laura Jeanette or Laura...I think Moni (what has Moni got to say about the pronouncement) is right, however technically it normally only applies to those using the name Laura or a derivative. The rules are quite clear on this...if you change your name from Jeanette to Laura you have to have a makeover...clear as day they are!! Ask Cindy if you don't believe me or Moni (as in honey?) they will both agree with me I am sure.
Liz
That's not quite how I read it...
"according to the by laws of this thread, does changing your name get you out of makeover harassment duty?"
It sound like a free pass to me if I change my moniker to Laura. I'm considering it.
Hugs,
Jeanette
Liz has it. New name, new style. That's the rule. We'll just need a letter from the cosmetician verifying the makeover, along with the name information, and we can get cracking on processing it.
That HappyMoni person is in trouble now....
Hugs
Anonymous
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 27, 2017, 09:20:18 PM
Thanks Liz. Yes it is good to get up and wear what I want until I have to go outside. I won't be running out into that big wide world just yet though.
I had an awkward few moments when my nephew dropped by to see his mom and pick up their mail that's still being delivered. (He's the one she told the other night) I was in my bedroom ( my cave as my Mom used to called it. It's where I live in the apartment. Anyway my door was wide open and I felt a moment to rush over to shut it. But then i said to myself, he knows already and if he come in he will see me as I am, (in a dress , sandals, earrings and necklace) he'll just have to get used to it I am not hiding in my own home from him or his wife. I didn't have to worry as he didn't pop into my room to talk to me. He talked to his mom a few minutes and left.
I get to make the rules? Tell Moni that, I just got done teaching her how her name is pronounced. She was saying it wrong. See that Moni I make the rules, and I say it's Moni as in phony balony. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I am toying with possibly calling myself Laura. I like it and it's a nice dignified name (lmao me dignified? no way!!) If I decide on Laura Jeanette Wxxxxx I can keep my initials. :) :) :) 8) 8)
Besides Liz the world isn't ready for me yet!! (I think I got the right)
Hugs,
Jeanette or Laura or Laura Jeanette
Look at you getting all brave and leaving the door open...yeah sure you won't be heading out the door soon. I bet a lot sooner than you think at the moment. You did well to leave the door open and not hide...even though he didn't come in it was a victory for your mind set.
I like the combination Laura Jeanette and it works just as well the other way...I have changed my name but not my signature because it is a set of meaningless lines but having the same initials could be advantageous.
As far as "thread rules" go...I don't make them, I only get to enforce them.
Liz
Quote from: Michelle_P on April 28, 2017, 12:06:28 AM
Liz has it. New name, new style. That's the rule. We'll just need a letter from the cosmetician verifying the makeover, along with the name information, and we can get cracking on processing it.
Can we have that in triplicate please...Thanks Laura
aaaaaarg MONI!!!! You're as bad as Cindy for starting trouble! That goes for the rest of you troublemakers.. Liz, Michelle, Rand,Shy, Davina, Sadie.... to name but a few. You know who you are.
Luvs ya all,
Laura or Jeanette someone
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 27, 2017, 09:20:18 PM
I had an awkward few moments when my nephew dropped by to see his mom and pick up their mail that's still being delivered here. (He's the one she told the other night) I was in my bedroom ( my cave as my Mom used to called it). It's where I live in the apartment. Anyway my door was wide open and I felt a moments panic to rush over to shut it. But then I said to myself, he knows already and if he comes in he will see me as I am, (in a dress, sandals, earrings and necklace) he'll just have to get used to it. I am not hiding in my own home from him or his wife. I didn't have to worry as he didn't pop into my room to talk to me.
It feels good doesn't it? Not having to hide anymore? Does it feel a little bit like you can finally breathe again?
Quote from: Michelle_P on April 28, 2017, 12:06:28 AM
We'll just need a letter from the cosmetician verifying the makeover, along with the name information, and we can get cracking on processing it.
Letter? Heck, no. Pics or it didn't happen!
Quote from: Jane Emily on April 28, 2017, 10:06:31 AM
It feels good doesn't it? Not having to hide anymore? Does it feel a little bit like you can finally breathe again?
Hi Jane,
I haven't quite gotten to that point yet. With my sister yes. I can breathe! I wear whatever I want to wear now when it is just her and I. We are comfortable around each other now and even talk of girl things at times. I LIKE being able to do that.
With my nephew it is more of "standing my ground" I am far from comfortable with anyone other than my sister, but I was going to be darned if I was going to hide inside my own apartment when him or his wife come over any more. This is my home. I pay the bills, and if they don't accept me as I am in my own home, they can turn right around and leave.
Hugs, Jane and thank you for being here for me. Thank all of you out there that has taken the time to encourage, joke with, tease and make me feel a part of this community.
Hugs for all,
Laura or Jeanette (still not sure)
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 28, 2017, 10:26:14 AM
Letter? Heck, no. Pics or it didn't happen!
Kathy!, Dang you ladies and your need for proof.
Someday maybe...
Hugs,
Laura, Jeanette, whoevea!
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 27, 2017, 09:20:18 PM
I am toying with possibly calling myself Laura. I like it and it's a nice dignified name (lmao me dignified? no way!!) If I decide on Laura Jeanette Wxxxxx I can keep my initials. :) :) :) 8) 8)
I really like the sound of Laura Jeanette. It has a classy sound to it, like a movie actress from the 1940s or something.
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 28, 2017, 11:43:51 AM
I really like the sound of Laura Jeanette. It has a classy sound to it, like a movie actress from the 1940s or something.
Thanks for the vote Kathy. I'm still considering it. A good friend of mine suggested Laurie and I like that too, it is less formal, more friendly if you will.
Any thoughts on the name folks?
Hugs, Laurie, Laura, etc
Well Laura photo proof is a must, as to itchy feet I am so tempted to wear my 2" heel ankle boots when I go to the drag strip Sunday. Have kept my initials and signature as it makes it easier at work ect . Little by little we will get there.
ps. its the Folk (as in singing(well that's what they call it) festival where I live, town will be full of beardy weirdows so could get away with nails and rings but CANT stand folk or country and western never mind JAZZ Festival soon
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 28, 2017, 11:48:28 AM
Thanks for the vote Kathy. I'm still considering it. A good friend of mine suggested Laurie and I like that too, it is less formal, more friendly if you will.
Any thoughts on the name folks?
Hugs, Laurie, Laura, etc
You know, there are at least two ways to pronounce Laura. I have that on firm authority from my mother in law Laura, who insisted on it being law-ra not lo-ra as most people say it. Although you might be able to find a makeover artist who uses your preferred pronunciation.
You are doing great.
Randy
Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
Quote from: RandyL on April 28, 2017, 05:18:05 PM
You know, there are at least two ways to pronounce Laura. I have that on firm authority from my mother in law Laura, who insisted on it being law-ra not lo-ra as most people say it. Although you might be able to find a makeover artist who uses your preferred pronunciation.
You are doing great.
Randy
Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
Thanks Randy,
And here I always thought it was pronounced Lore ra. But I am leaning toward Lore-rie now.
And what do makeup artists know anyway? I really have no idea because I never had a reason to talk with one.
I can cross 2 more friends of my list of people to tell. One is a friend that is a friend of a real good friend. The other is a little 4' 9" lady I have know for about 18 years. She is another friend that lives in Florida. Met her on the internet in a Pogo game room playing their silly slots with chat. We developed a real good relationship through the internet and I have met her in person 4 times. I value her friendship a lot and was really relieved when she accepted me as myself without reservation and was happy for me even though the news caught her by complete surprise. Very much like my friends in Missouri did. She was full of questions, happy for me, and wanted to know all about it and my plans. Another true success!
Hugs,
Laurie aka Jeanette
Hugs,
Laurie aka Jeanette
Hi Laurie,
Can I call you Laurie? I know I had to test a few names until felt comfy, so take your time girl. I like Laura, Laurie and Jeanette so probably not much help to you.
Glad to hear about another of you friends accepting you. What a crazy few month you've had.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on April 29, 2017, 04:05:23 AM
Hi Laurie,
Can I call you Laurie? I know I had to test a few names until felt comfy, so take your time girl. I like Laura, Laurie and Jeanette so probably not much help to you.
Glad to hear about another of you friends accepting you. What a crazy few month you've had.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Yeah, Thanks for the "help" Sadie. I like all three too but I am leaning towards Laurie now. Jeanette has been comfortable because I have used it for so long in many venues on the internet. Some not so child friendly if you know what I mean. 18 yro Jeanette (18 for role play that is) has a mischievous shady history .. (Haven't done that in years) but it was fun too. Growing pains if you will.
Of course you can call me Laurie. That's why I put it out there is to try it on, see how it feels.
Yes these last couple months has been exhilarating and a bit scary with coming out to doctors, talking to a therapist, accepting challenges, and coming out to the family and friends I have told so far. It has been a wonderful but sometimes rough ride and rewarding too. I'll thrilled about my physical changes, specifically my boobs. I love boobs, always have, now I'm getting the ones I've wanted most... my own!! Rewarding as in the unflinching acceptance of my friends in Missouri when I needed it most. Rough as in when I told my daughter and her husband and her prayer requests on Facebook after she told my grandchildren the "devastating news" about their grandfather. Along with her telling me God can "fix" me if I give it to him. I was crushed.
But yes it's been a crazy and for the most part good times these last couple months. And it has been great having a place like Susan's to share it on, and with the great ladies and guys I've been privileged to get to know.
Love ya all (((HUGS)))
Laurie
Laurie it is then or Jeanette or Laurie Jeanette or Lorry ( as in Truck) ;D or....
Couldn't help myself...sorry :icon_bunch:
The question is asked......Are you a Laurie? anymore than a Jeanette?...I picked Elizabeth
1 because that is what my mother would have called me had she known
2 Some of the most amazing women I have met in my life have all had the name Elizabeth ( All called Liz)
Apart from the way it sounds why Laurie?
Liz
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 29, 2017, 06:15:27 PM
Apart from the way it sounds why Laurie?
Liz
[/quote
I have known several ladies named Laura. I think I even dated one a couple of time but none were special, no crushes like Jeanette or Janet. So that bring up the main reasons I liked Laura. First I like the name and second my initials would remain LJW (Jeanette is still going to be there) So why Laurie?, you asked.
!. My friend in Missouri didn't care for Laura as it has some negative associations for her and she suggested Laurie.
2. I can keep my initials
3. I like it a bit better than Laura as it is less formal sounding, more fun sounding
4. I am comfortable using Jeanette and can still use it as a middle name using either as my mood dictates
So I believe (at least right now) I like Laurie Jeanette Wxxxxx I like the way that sounds, so it is a matter of becoming used to being Laurie. Can I be as comfortable with Laurie as I am with Jeanette. Being comfy with either IRL is going to be a challenge. Of more import is figuiring out if I can be a woman IRL. That is far from certain.
Hugs,
Laurie
quote
Being comfy with either IRL is going to be a challenge. Of more import is figuiring out if I can be a woman IRL. That is far from certain.
unquote
I was mulling this the other night in that mid time between when the pain is biting and the meds haven't kicked in and the brain needs to be distracted.
Could I have coped if I had not transitioned? Is there any way I could go back and pretend to be a male?
It was interesting and very calming.
We fear fear itself and uncertainty is one of the major human fears. That is why when people are being interrogated or even (bad thoughts) tortured there is always the time when the the interrogator just puts forward the idea of what will happen and lets the victim think. That is the time the weaker person breaks.
As many of us know from experiences outside of TG, our greatest fears of what may happen to us are generally unfounded. Not that it does us any good next time we face a new uncertainty! We still quake with fear of the next make over, no matter what it may be.
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 29, 2017, 07:43:40 PMOf more import is figuiring out if I can be a woman IRL.
If I can do it, so can you. I found that there was no way I could NOT do it. I may get stared at from time to time, but what they are starting at is me. I get to be myself! How cool is that? You can do it too.
Thanks for that Cindy. So true. This just hit home for Me! Still scared but I must move forward! Damn. I worry More about what others will think about Me. It's holding Me back. It's really about Me and who I am.
Thanks!
I hope your doing good Cindy!! (((Hugs)))
Christine
Quote from: Cindy on April 29, 2017, 07:57:34 PM
quote
Being comfy with either IRL is going to be a challenge. Of more import is figuring out if I can be a woman IRL. That is far from certain.
unquote
I was mulling this the other night in that mid time between when the pain is biting and the meds haven't kicked in and the brain needs to be distracted.
Could I have coped if I had not transitioned? Is there any way I could go back and pretend to be a male?
It was interesting and very calming.
We fear fear itself and uncertainty is one of the major human fears. That is why when people are being interrogated or even (bad thoughts) tortured there is always the time when the the interrogator just puts forward the idea of what will happen and lets the victim think. That is the time the weaker person breaks.
As many of us know from experiences outside of TG, our greatest fears of what may happen to us are generally unfounded. Not that it does us any good next time we face a new uncertainty! We still quake with fear of the next make over, no matter what it may be.
Hi Cindy,
I am happy to see you reply today. I have noticed that I haven't seen anything from you for a couple day and have been wondering how you were doing. I suspected the reason was you were having some difficult times again and with the remarks in your beginning I think I was right. I'm sorry if you have been having a lot of physical pain. I realize there isn't anything I can do for you but I'm still sorry. I value your input around here as many others do I'm sure. I enjoy your presence and help in my personal issues. When you're not making that presence known I miss you.
I like the words you write about fear, and yes there is an element of fear in transitioning. I am fearful about coming
out to friends and family but with each one I tell it becomes easier and by and large I haven't had a bad experience. Even my daughter's telling and response through less than I would have wanted wasn't really bad per se.
I have some fear about going out en femme in public yes, but I think I have shown already a willingness to do it, more so as I get comfortable wearing what I want at home and as my list of "must tells" gets shorter. Public reaction when being clocked is also of concern to me, it will happen, and as long as it is not too bad, I think I can deal with that too.
I like to think I am a pretty level headed person. I also have a good analytical logical mind and am good at reasoning things out and problem solving. That is what made me a real good computer repair technician. I am good at looking a a problem, looking at the symptoms, gathering the facts, eliminating the possible causes and arriving at the solution. But there is one problem I can't solve to my satisfaction.
Why don't I feel like I am a woman? I don't think that I believe I am woman. In spite of everything I know about my history. My crossdressing for as long as I can remember, The wishing I could be a girl and later on a woman. The purging and re-obtaining of my female stashes of shoes, dresses, skirt, tops, makeup, jewelry and wigs. Of getting and taking my HRT meds, taking them and feeling it's right, loving the changes and telling my doctor and talking to my therapist. Coming out to family and friends. OF joining this forum and making friends here and feeling good being here. In spite of all this evidence that I am doing what is right and good for me.... Why can't I believe I am a woman inside?
Everything points to me being trans, a trans-woman. My doctors and therapist tell me I am. then why do I feel like I do?
Now I feel I'm being a drama queen again. Like I am asking that tired question "Am I trans enough?". Been there done that one already and it isn't a question of am I trans enough. I think I am trans, the evidence says I am. But knowing something is true and feeling it are two different things. Therein lies my concerns.
I don't know if you would call that a fear but it is there. I am feeling like I'm an imposter.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 29, 2017, 08:04:12 PM
If I can do it, so can you. I found that there was no way I could NOT do it. I may get stared at from time to time, but what they are starting at is me. I get to be myself! How cool is that? You can do it too.
Thanks Kathy but I'm not so sure atm.
Hugs,
Laurie (Still sounds weird)
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 29, 2017, 09:31:57 PM
Quote from: Cindy on April 29, 2017, 07:57:34 PM
Hi Cindy,
I am happy to see you reply today. I have noticed that I haven't seen anything from you for a couple day and have been wondering how you were doing. I suspected the reason was you were having some difficult times again and with the remarks in your beginning I think I was right. I'm sorry if you have been having a lot of physical pain. I realize there isn't anything I can do for you but I'm still sorry. I value your input around here as many others do I'm sure. I enjoy your presence and help in my personal issues. When you're not making that presence known I miss you.
I like the words you write about fear, and yes there is an element of fear in transitioning. I am fearful about coming
out to friends and family but with each one I tell it becomes easier and by and large I haven't had a bad experience. Even my daughter's telling and response through less than I would have wanted wasn't really bad per se.
I have some fear about going out en femme in public yes, but I think I have shown already a willingness to do it, more so as I get comfortable wearing what I want at home and as my list of "must tells" gets shorter. Public reaction when being clocked is also of concern to me, it will happen, and as long as it is not too bad, I think I can deal with that too.
I like to think I am a pretty level headed person. I also have a good analytical logical mind and am good at reasoning things out and problem solving. That is what made me a real good computer repair technician. I am good at looking a a problem, looking at the symptoms, gathering the facts, eliminating the possible causes and arriving at the solution. But there is one problem I can't solve to my satisfaction.
Why don't I feel like I am a woman? I don't think that I believe I am woman. In spite of everything I know about my history. My crossdressing for as long as I can remember, The wishing I could be a girl and later on a woman. The purging and re-obtaining of my female stashes of shoes, dresses, skirt, tops, makeup, jewelry and wigs. Of getting and taking my HRT meds, taking them and feeling it's right, loving the changes and telling my doctor and talking to my therapist. Coming out to family and friends. OF joining this forum and making friends here and feeling good being here. In spite of all this evidence that I am doing what is right and good for me.... Why can't I believe I am a woman inside?
Everything points to me being trans, a trans-woman. My doctors and therapist tell me I am. then why do I feel like I do?
Now I feel I'm being a drama queen again. Like I am asking that tired question "Am I trans enough?". Been there done that one already and it isn't a question of am I trans enough. I think I am trans, the evidence says I am. But knowing something is true and feeling it are two different things. Therein lies my concerns.
I don't know if you would call that a fear but it is there. I am feeling like I'm an imposter.
Hugs,
Laurie
Thanks Hon,
I'm just battling the usual. Unfortunately a change in the weather to a winter pattern seems to have triggered a lot of joint pain, particularly in my shoulders that were of course immobilised for 13 hours during the surgery. I also had a hundred odd stitches where my neck was reconnected to my torso and I swear that the little tykes take it in turn to pull and contract in some bizarre symphonic orchestration.
I'm not trans enough. I'm not really female enough. I'm not .....enough.
This is all a very normal acceptance pattern and not something to be scared of but something to think through in a logical and in an emotional way. Yes that doesn't sound very logical, bringing emotion into the decision, but our psyche is a complex beast and works away using all the circuits it can access.
Let us examine a separate problem. My first CTs, MRIs and PET came back showing that my trachea was about 40% occluded by a tumour and surgical removal of the larynx was the only cause of action. I refused. I'm an oncologist (science), OK not in H&N but I treat lymphoma and leukaemia and I'm an acknowledged expert in my field. I insisted that chemoradiation would be curative. I was put through what was described by my treating team as 'a brutal chemoradiation regime'.
It didn't work. The only person who was surprised by that was I and to be honest I wasn't really surprised, I was just unwilling to accept someone else opinion about the most precious thing I have. My life.
When it then came to the crunch the offer was very simple. My life will finish in 6-12 months and it will not be a nice 6-12 months, or radical surgery and 50% chance of survival >5 years.
Faced with that I decided that even though I am one of the most pigheaded, self driven and determined people I have come across that maybe, just maybe, other people may have an opinion about me that is valid. The rest is history.
So how does this fit in with your gender issue? Everyone who has the ability to make an informed opinion agrees that you fit the very typical pattern of a transgender female. You don't accept that. However you are happy to accept that your private life is more comfortable and relaxed while living as female. You acknowledge that your mental well being and general happiness has improved with acceptance of you as female; as long as you don't accept the premise of 'I'm a female'.
You have been out in public as a female and found it frightening but satisfying; you accept that during those outings people accepted you as a female and that did not revolt you, rather it pleased you; as long as you don't have to accept that you are female. You have been readily 'cajoled' into pushing your boundaries, while all the time you knew that you did not need to, but you did so - as long as you did not have to admit that you are female.
Now I have a question. If you were a man would you have done any of this?
Maybe, just maybe, others with some sort of experience in the area may have a valid opinion and it may be time to reconsider?
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 29, 2017, 09:31:57 PM
Now I feel I'm being a drama queen again. Like I am asking that tired question "Am I trans enough?". Been there done that one already and it isn't a question of am I trans enough. I think I am trans, the evidence says I am. But knowing something is true and feeling it are two different things. Therein lies my concerns.
I don't know if you would call that a fear but it is there. I am feeling like I'm an imposter.
Hugs,
Laurie
How would feeling "trans enough"look to you? How would it manifest itself and what do you expect will be different from the way you feel now?
Self acceptance is the tough one here....It fuels my fear of not passing, it prevents me from moving forward and growing as a woman, it fuels my insecurities about who I am, it makes me susceptible to other criticisms, it leads to the "man in a dress" type feelings self acceptance takes time to accomplish and I suspect is a process just like the stages of grieving. One of things high on my priority list to deal with, right up there ahead of GCS is Self Acceptance...each day as I live who I really am, I feel better about myself, the world is not such a dark place.
Liz
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 29, 2017, 09:31:57 PM
Now I feel I'm being a drama queen again. Like I am asking that tired question "Am I trans enough?". Been there done that one already and it isn't a question of am I trans enough. I think I am trans, the evidence says I am. But knowing something is true and feeling it are two different things. Therein lies my concerns.
I don't know if you would call that a fear but it is there. I am feeling like I'm an imposter.
Hugs,
Laurie
Often when you constantly look at your life through the magnifying glass of questioning a grain of sand will look like an unsurmountable mountain. Find your grain of sand young grasshopper, it's on a quiet beach hugged by gently lapping waves and the most beautiful sunrise you can imagine :)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 29, 2017, 09:31:57 PM
Why don't I feel like I am a woman? I don't think that I believe I am woman.
I know this doubt well, Laurie. It is my one remaining source of doubt.
Someone once posted a thread asking whether we experienced ourselves as male or female in our dreams. And I had to answer "no". I don't experience myself as male or female either in my dreams or even in my waking life. My experience of identity is not male or female; it is simply me.
We get used to telling cis folks that trans people are just part of the diversity of humanity. We sometimes forget about the breadth of diversity within the trans community itself. Some people feel their gender strongly; some feel it weakly or not at all. There is no right or wrong way to be trans.
The lucky kids who feel their gender strongly get to insist on expressing it at a young enough age that they can transition early. I envy them. Those of us who feel gender weakly or not at all carry on through life trying to fit into the gender we were assigned. Eventually our need to express the gender that is inherent in us but that we can't feel starts to make itself felt through compulsive cross-dressing or other manifestations. Reluctantly, we admit that we must be trans.
I can't see ultraviolet light, yet I know it is there because I can see and feel its manifestations. In the same way, I know that my identity is female not because I can feel it directly, but because I can detect its manifestations. So when I have doubts about whether I "really am" female, I just remind myself of all the other reasons I know it to be true: my need to express femininity through clothing, my unbridled joy when I go out in public as myself (I never felt joy before, ever), all the signs I remember from my younger days that only make sense in the light of being trans.
So, just as I know that ultraviolet light exists even though I can't see it, I know that I am female even though I don't feel it.
I,m shore your be fine Jeanette your one of the strongest women on this site.
Quote from: Cindy on April 30, 2017, 12:10:13 AM
Thanks Hon,
I'm just battling the usual. Unfortunately a change in the weather to a winter pattern seems to have triggered a lot of joint pain, particularly in my shoulders that were of course immobilised for 13 hours during the surgery. I also had a hundred odd stitches where my neck was reconnected to my torso and I swear that the little tykes take it in turn to pull and contract in some bizarre symphonic orchestration.
I'm not trans enough. I'm not really female enough. I'm not .....enough.
This is all a very normal acceptance pattern and not something to be scared of but something to think through in a logical and in an emotional way. Yes that doesn't sound very logical, bringing emotion into the decision, but our psyche is a complex beast and works away using all the circuits it can access.
Let us examine a separate problem. My first CTs, MRIs and PET came back showing that my trachea was about 40% occluded by a tumour and surgical removal of the larynx was the only cause of action. I refused. I'm an oncologist (science), OK not in H&N but I treat lymphoma and leukaemia and I'm an acknowledged expert in my field. I insisted that chemoradiation would be curative. I was put through what was described by my treating team as 'a brutal chemoradiation regime'.
It didn't work. The only person who was surprised by that was I and to be honest I wasn't really surprised, I was just unwilling to accept someone else opinion about the most precious thing I have. My life.
When it then came to the crunch the offer was very simple. My life will finish in 6-12 months and it will not be a nice 6-12 months, or radical surgery and 50% chance of survival >5 years.
Faced with that I decided that even though I am one of the most pigheaded, self driven and determined people I have come across that maybe, just maybe, other people may have an opinion about me that is valid. The rest is history.
So how does this fit in with your gender issue? Everyone who has the ability to make an informed opinion agrees that you fit the very typical pattern of a transgender female. You don't accept that. However you are happy to accept that your private life is more comfortable and relaxed while living as female. You acknowledge that your mental well being and general happiness has improved with acceptance of you as female; as long as you don't accept the premise of 'I'm a female'.
You have been out in public as a female and found it frightening but satisfying; you accept that during those outings people accepted you as a female and that did not revolt you, rather it pleased you; as long as you don't have to accept that you are female. You have been readily 'cajoled' into pushing your boundaries, while all the time you knew that you did not need to, but you did so - as long as you did not have to admit that you are female.
Now I have a question. If you were a man would you have done any of this?
Maybe, just maybe, others with some sort of experience in the area may have a valid opinion and it may be time to reconsider?
Thank you Cindy, it looks like you have gotten my number and know where my head is at. Reading your response brought tears to my eyes for some reason. I don't quite know. Since I couldn't see right anymore to respond last night I signed out and went to bed.
I think part of the tears are because I've become attached to you probably due to our shared experience battling with cancer. Your determined attitude that you will not let it win is awesome and inspiring. Then there is your penchant for cajoling new members into doing things to help accept themselves for who they are. And then there is your inciteful pep talks that touch a chord within your victim and moves them to tears.
Love you Cindy and Thank you,
Laurie
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 30, 2017, 01:09:46 AM
How would feeling "trans enough"look to you? How would it manifest itself and what do you expect will be different from the way you feel now?
Self acceptance is the tough one here....It fuels my fear of not passing, it prevents me from moving forward and growing as a woman, it fuels my insecurities about who I am, it makes me susceptible to other criticisms, it leads to the "man in a dress" type feelings self acceptance takes time to accomplish and I suspect is a process just like the stages of grieving. One of things high on my priority list to deal with, right up there ahead of GCS is Self Acceptance...each day as I live who I really am, I feel better about myself, the world is not such a dark place.
Liz
It is self acceptance I am struggling with Liz. It isn't the "Am I trans enough?" question, I am trans, I know that. And I know I am insecure about being seen in public. I even am okay with knowing I may never be able to pass. I am sure I can overcome those issues once all my "must tells" are told. It is just a matter of doing it and getting comfortable with been in public en femme. I am my problem.
I never figured you for having acceptance problems Liz. You are so confident in your posts and actions you relate that it is hard for me to believe. I also think of you as being further along in your journey than you are because of what you say and do. Perhaps I give you more credit than is warranted and need to remember you are just like me only a few more steps dow the road. ((( Hugs ))) Liz. Like Cindy, I value your opinion and help.
There are many ladies here I have a special fondness for and thank for help me with my ups and downs. I am sure if I tried to name them I would miss a few, so I won't try. I love and thank you all.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Shy on April 30, 2017, 04:45:04 AM
Often when you constantly look at your life through the magnifying glass of questioning a grain of sand will look like an unsurmountable mountain. Find your grain of sand young grasshopper, it's on a quiet beach hugged by gently lapping waves and the most beautiful sunrise you can imagine :)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Thank you Sadie,
I'm looking, really I am but sometime the hole seems like it is getting awful deep as I examine each grain and reject it. LOL I'm working on it Sadie, really I am. I've got another appointment with my therapist on the 9th. I think I have my talking point for this session.
Hugs for Sadie (what is this a charity slogan?)
Laurie
The lack of self-acceptance may be the hardest single thing we have to overcome. Many of us have been raised in and internalized a spectacularly transphobic culture, where "dudes in dresses" are the basis of whole classes of low comedy, and are seen as hilarious parodies of femininity.
It can be very difficult to get past this. The therapy sessions help. I found group therapy to actually be very useful, as I got to interact with others who had gotten past this and were obviously comfortable in their lives. I'm also a member of a social support group, which has done everything from scheduling dinner events at a variety of restaurants, to meet ups, to arranging makeover sessions! (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge...).
Quote from: KathyLauren on April 30, 2017, 06:22:52 AM
I know this doubt well, Laurie. It is my one remaining source of doubt....
So, just as I know that ultraviolet light exists even though I can't see it, I know that I am female even though I don't feel it.
Kathy,
Of the responses I've gotten, yours is the one that resonates the most with me. Perhaps we are kindred spirits.
"I know that I am female even though I don't feel it." That line says how I feel precisely. It was what I was trying to say.
Cindy understands that the "proofs" I see haven't worked and tells me I need to accept them anyway.
Liz, surprisingly to me share my self acceptance issues and lets me know I am not alone.
Sadie tells me my problem is not as great as I perceive it to be and that life is beautiful if I just open my eyes to
see the greater picture.
Sara tells me I have the strength to overcome this and be okay.
All are valued responses and each helps with their own messages. The support is wonderful. But your response Kathy is just how I feel. I know but do not feel it. I hope that as we go on that changes.
I will continue to do all the things I need to do to be the woman I know I am inside and i hope that someday I will feel that woman in me. I don't really have a choice now do I. Never did, it just took me awhile to understand that.
Thank you Kathy. (((HUG)))
Laurie
Quote from: coldHeart on April 30, 2017, 06:46:48 AM
I,m shore your be fine Jeanette your one of the strongest women on this site.
Thank you Sara,
I sure do not feel strong when I struggle with my own demons. Sharing them here, with people like you, give me the strength and support to work through these trials.
Thank you for your help, Sara. I'm glad you are here to lend me your support.
((Hugs))
Laurie
Quote from: Michelle_P on April 30, 2017, 10:44:15 AM
The lack of self-acceptance may be the hardest single thing we have to overcome. Many of us have been raised in and internalized a spectacularly transphobic culture, where "dudes in dresses" are the basis of whole classes of low comedy, and are seen as hilarious parodies of femininity.
It can be very difficult to get past this. The therapy sessions help. I found group therapy to actually be very useful, as I got to interact with others who had gotten past this and were obviously comfortable in their lives. I'm also a member of a social support group, which has done everything from scheduling dinner events at a variety of restaurants, to meet ups, to arranging makeover sessions! (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge...).
Hi Michelle,
I envy you and your social life. I can see where it can be a huge help dealing with the issues we face. Susan's is my surrogate social life as I sit in my cave at my computer. Without Susan's I'm not sure where I would be now. No that isn't true, I would still be completely in the closet hiding in the shadows.
Just look at what you all have done to me! You have me sneaking out to stores, a support meeting on a rainy night to see what it was like and to meet another trans-woman. You've gotten me to come out to my doctors, get my HRT legally, and seek therapy. You have helped me to come out to family and friends. My "must tell" list is about 3/4 complete most of them successfully. You have me thinking of doing more to physically look feminine.
I have looked into support groups here and the two I have knowledge of are in places I an uncomfortable with. I'm looking south to Salem now. I am surprised there isn't more support for us here in Oregon.
I have a therapy session on the 9th and think acceptance will be the likely topic.
Makeover? What makeover? OUCH!! Dang it people you are leaving bruises with your nudging!
Luvs ya Michelle,
Laurie
its just having the courage to make that first move and have a "don't care attitude" ,of course we all care about how we are perceived and how we get looked at BUT you have to push the boundaries and be a bit brazen and have a thick skin, if its what you want/need then no one should stop you. Its having the courage to go with your feelings but you must feel comfortable with what you do , step by step, as the saying goes softly, softly catch the monkey. That's the make over done with then , Sorry just kidding but that is one step to take
Thanks Davina,
I saw that you wore those 2" heels to the track. You are doing that pushing the boundaries that you talk of little step by little step that is for sure. Proud of you for doing so too.
Does your "a long time coming (out)" Mean you are a Crosby, Stills and Nash fan? I was privileged to see them in concert years ago along with some unknown group called simply "the Band" (I knew even song they played) The concert was one of the best I ever saw. Hendrix was the BEST.
You people do know there are many cis-women that have never had a makeover, don't you?
Lol and Hugs,
Laurie
To my friend with the two or three names,
I have an analogy that may give a helpful perspective, emphasis on 'may.' You are a computer repair person by trade correct? (Sorry don't know the exact title of your job) After all the years doing your job it has become part of who you are. You might introduce yourself as a 'computer repair person." You know how it feels to do that job every day, all the in's and out's. You are probably comfortable saying you are a computer repair person. Now think back to the first day on the job. You haven't lived that life yet, had all those experiences of repairing computers every day. You probably knew it was something that might be right for you, but there was maybe some doubt that it would work for you. Would you have been 100% comfortable saying' 'I'm a computer repair person' on your first day of the job? My guess is there was very little confidence at that point. Isn't it the same with saying you are a woman, feeling like a woman? You haven't had the experience of living as a woman yet. You haven't experienced the smell, the taste, the feel of being a woman. For some reason, you think you should feel that now. I have felt this very same thing. We have to let experience, let life play out a little for those feelings to settle in for us. Don't test your emotions on the first day on the job and expect to have the result be like you had worked it 30 years. It's a false test.
My thought would be that it is something okay to ask yourself, but I wouldn't let it stress you out or stop you doing what you feel would be right for you. It is definitely not a test to put yourself through.
Your friend,
Mon neeee
Hi Laurie
I just wanted to clarify that yes I do have problems with self acceptance still after nearly 2 years but the point I am making is this
Self acceptance does not come in a snap for most people it seems to come over a period of time and for me it really has come in steps. I am now so much better than I was 6 months ago...no way would I have even considered fulltime. But being fulltime has forced me to face a few of my self acceptance demons...What I describe above is more about how I felt as I began to go through this process but it is an accurate description of what happened without self acceptance. My therapist was the one who suggested that I needed to work on my self acceptance...she was right.
Self Acceptance takes time and encompasses many aspects...one of the things I really had trouble with was making my self acceptance dependant on other peoples acceptance. I hear some of the younger girls here saying stuff like if I can't have X physical stuff then I won't transition...if they had a better level of self acceptance do you think the physical stuff would be as big an issue...
I am probably about 80-90% there...I very rarely have the blinding anger that used to come with the thoughts about being trans, I am no longer looking to blame anyone, I no longer constantly search my past for validation of who I am, I can go out into the public and hold my head up high as a proud and out trans woman...
then some days are just uuggghhh ....but those times and days happen with far less frequency than they did
My name is Liz and I am Trans....
When all else fails you....Fake it till you make it!
Liz
Do I get any credit for not mentioning makeover.
Mon neee
Makeover, makeover, makeover!
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 30, 2017, 05:10:38 PM
Do I get any credit for not mentioning makeover.
Mon neee
Makeover, makeover, makeover!
Go Mon neeee
Liz,
Funny thing is, she thinks she is in control with the makeover thing. Silly girl. Heehee
Mon neee
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 30, 2017, 05:06:04 PM
To my friend with the two or three names,
I have an analogy that may give a helpful perspective, emphasis on 'may.' You are a computer repair person by trade correct? (Sorry don't know the exact title of your job) After all the years doing your job it has become part of who you are. You might introduce yourself as a 'computer repair person." You know how it feels to do that job every day, all the in's and out's. You are probably comfortable saying you are a computer repair person. Now think back to the first day on the job. You haven't lived that life yet, had all those experiences of repairing computers every day. You probably knew it was something that might be right for you, but there was maybe some doubt that it would work for you. Would you have been 100% comfortable saying' 'I'm a computer repair person' on your first day of the job? My guess is there was very little confidence at that point. Isn't it the same with saying you are a woman, feeling like a woman? You haven't had the experience of living as a woman yet. You haven't experienced the smell, the taste, the feel of being a woman. For some reason, you think you should feel that now. I have felt this very same thing. We have to let experience, let life play out a little for those feelings to settle in for us. Don't test your emotions on the first day on the job and expect to have the result be like you had worked it 30 years. It's a false test.
My thought would be that it is something okay to ask yourself, but I wouldn't let it stress you out or stop you doing what you feel would be right for you. It is definitely not a test to put yourself through.
Your friend,
Mon neeee
To my friend Mon neeee (someday may she learn how to pronounce her name properly),
You do realize Mon neeee it is hard to remember that many years ago and how that you kid felt. After all it has been well over 40 years ago now. I started to disagree with you and your analogy and disagreeing almost works.
That young kid went into the Navy with a goal in mind. He knew he was smart and he knew he wanted to be part of the future and the closest he figure he could get to being part of the future was to get into computers. He knew he wasn't a designer as he lacked the creativity need to do such things But he could think logically and problem solve. And he was right. He excelled in training and was one of the best in his class. He went to his ship confident that he could fix his equipment and he could. Some problems were hard be he didn't give up and he solved them even one that involved shipboard systems that discovered the problem lay in the wiring or a ship speed instrument that fed not only his equipment but also the ship fire control systems. But when he fixed the problem it threw off the missile guidance equipment and that was not a good thing. Some programmer had noted the problem when the fire control systems were installed and programed a fix instead of fixing the real problem. This meant the repair had to be undone as that solution was easier than reprogramming the fire control systems.
What I am saying here is the kid was smart and confident in his abilities to such a point that it doesn't fit your analogy Mon neeee. But them I remember oh about 4 years later when I got employment in the civilian world and then your analogy does fit.
After 7 weeks of training I was given the responsibility for maintaining 6 commercial sites
that had the system I had just been trained on. One of those I had been thrown out of with another technician the data processing manager did not like on my first visit to the site. The DP manager also was unhappy with to company I worked for at the time. I took me two full years to feel I could fix 90% of the problems with that system. I had a lot of help and became one of the better computer repair technicians in my region on the systems I got trained on.
So yes, Mon neeee, your analogy does work. And thank you for putting things in perspective for me. That is one of the special things about this place, there are so many people who help you look at a problem is so many ways. Each with their own perspective and solution. Each help in their own special way. Thank you.
I was going to give you credit Mon neeee, but then you had to mention it didn't you? lol makeup? what about makeup? I don't understand.
(((Hugs)))) and thanks Mon neeee
Laurie
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 30, 2017, 05:10:26 PM
Hi Laurie
I just wanted to clarify that yes I do have problems with self acceptance still after nearly 2 years ....
I can go out into the public and hold my head up high as a proud and out trans woman...
then some days are just uuggghhh ....but those times and days happen with far less frequency than they did
My name is Liz and I am Trans....
When all else fails you....Fake it till you make it!
Liz
Hi Liz,
There are very few people that have the ability to touch the strings of my soul. You seem to be one of them. Cindy is another. That cis-woman in Missouri is another. I don't know what it is about the three of you, you can cause the tears to well up in my eyes and roll down my cheeks. Your last post about acceptance did that. I can't say why as the words don't seem to be so special in themselves. Perhaps it is that you were sharing a special private part of yourself with me. Again I don't know why.
With Cindy I think is is the cancer experience that has made me feel so close to her. I know some of the things she has had to go through with it. Our cancers are different the life and death issues are the same. We have had to face our mortality and fight to live against the odds. I think she knows what I mean.
That woman in Missouri can bring me to tears without words. I know she loves me unconditionally as I am. She once gave me a ride to the hospital, went into the back room with me like she belonged there. while I was prepped for surgery and she stayed with me until I was taken into the operating room. To her I was family and her place was there by my side. She has never not been by my side even when she's 2000 miles away.
I hope you know I am crying again as I write this. You three and a couple other touch my soul.
Thank you,
Laurie
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 30, 2017, 05:39:39 PM
Liz,
Funny thing is, she thinks she is in control with the makeover thing. Silly girl. Heehee
Mon neee
I am. There are no makeovers after dark and I'm not going outside in broad day light all gussied up!
(psssst Hey Liz, did you see she can't even spell her name right anymore? I've gotten her so confused...)
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 30, 2017, 06:27:42 PM
I am. There are no makeovers after dark and I'm not going outside in broad day light all gussied up!
(psssst Hey Liz, did you see she can't even spell her name right anymore? I've gotten her so confused...)
Hugs,
Laurie
Ok maybe we are looking at this backward...maybe you need the mountain to come to you
Makeover party at Laurie's place!!!
Quote from: ElizabethK on April 30, 2017, 06:31:38 PM
Ok maybe we are looking at this backward...maybe you need the mountain to come to you
Makeover party at Laurie's place!!!
O. M. G. !
Just whose side are you on Liz? Oh wait I remember.
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 30, 2017, 06:27:42 PM
I am. There are no makeovers after dark and I'm not going outside in broad day light all gussied up!
(psssst Hey Liz, did you see she can't even spell her name right anymore? I've gotten her so confused...)
Hugs,
Laurie
Hey Laurie, make sure you tell Jeanette that we should archive this first sentiment. One day she will look back and say, "Wow, look how far I have come. To think it all started with a makeover in my back yard. And wasn't I silly to argue with that wonderful Moni, pronounced Mon neeee." Yes it's history in the making.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on April 30, 2017, 09:38:09 PM
Hey Laurie, make sure you tell Jeanette that we should archive this first sentiment. One day she will look back and say, "Wow, look how far I have come. To think it all started with a makeover in my back yard. And wasn't I silly to argue with that wonderful Moni, pronounced Mon neeee." Yes it's history in the making.
Moni
Love ya work Mon neeee ;D ;D
Hey girls,
This is Laurie. I tried talking that Jeanette into going to have a makeover. I even browsed for a place she could possibly go to have it done. Alas there was no such place. Besides she said she's putting her foot down and is not going to give into those pushy nags Mon eeee and Liz. She says "Me go out in the light of day dressed up in women's clothes and makeup and go into a beauty salon or the cosmetic department in a mall to have a makeover in public? No (expletive deleted) way!" Those were her words and there was no way I could change her mind. She's as stubborn as an ox!
Sorry Mon eee (why the heck do you spell it like that?) and Liz, I tried my best.
Hugs,
Laurie
be yourself. enjoy. know who you are, what you want. this is the process. its to ensure some degree of independent objectivity is presented. you have decided right? if you have decided, then there is no issue because you are sure.
Quote from: JeanetteLW on April 30, 2017, 11:13:20 PM
She says "Me go out in the light of day dressed up in women's clothes and makeup and go into a beauty salon or the cosmetic department in a mall to have a makeover in public? No (expletive deleted) way!"
Oh! I thought the plan was to go out as a male and get the makeover :D Different set of problems...
Actually, I've thought about arriving in male mode, do the makeover, and depart in female mode. How about that?
Randy
Quote from: elinile on April 30, 2017, 11:53:25 PM
be yourself. enjoy. know who you are, what you want. this is the process. its to ensure some degree of independent objectivity is presented. you have decided right? if you have decided, then there is no issue because you are sure.
Hi elinile,
Hi I'm Laurie I am trying on a new name, I was using Jeanette. I appreciate your advice but I have to admit that it seem to be out of context which leaves me wonder what prompted you to give it. I haven't figured out which of my posts it refers to or if it is meant as general advice. Would you enlighten me please?
I also see that you are new here so let me welcome you to Susan's Place unofficially that is. I say unofficially because I hold no official position in the site staff and therefore I have to leave the official stuff to them. Have you found tour way around the site? Do you need any help with anything? You are welcome to ask questions if you need to by creating your own posts with the questions. There are a lot of folks here willing to help you with almost any question you has. There are rules that need to be followed and one of those is we cannot discuss actual doseage information. We are not doctor and therefore we leave the doctoring to the doctors. But there are a lot of questions we can answer, and opinions can be shared, and in general we support each other.
We hope you like it here and hope you will take an active part in supporting others and the site if you are able.
Be welcome elinile.
Laurie
Quote from: RandyL on May 01, 2017, 12:19:19 AM
Oh! I thought the plan was to go out as a male and get the makeover :D Different set of problems...
Actually, I've thought about arriving in male mode, do the makeover, and depart in female mode. How about that?
Randy
Sure Randy. And just where and how will you transform the clothing, shoes and hair/wig into female mode to match your newly madeover face? Huh? Huh? Silly Randy!
In the words of Winnie the Pooh, Oh Bother!
Hugs Randy,
Laurie
Quote from: JeanetteLW on May 01, 2017, 12:37:50 AM
Sure Randy. And just where and how will you transform the clothing, shoes and hair/wig into female mode to match your newly madeover face? Huh? Huh? Silly Randy!
In the words of Winnie the Pooh, Oh Bother!
Hugs Randy,
Laurie
And if we could...
Dear Laurie
I promise I won't mention a makeover once. If at any time I suggest a makeover just inform me that you are not interested in having a makeover and I won't mention having a makeover for the rest of the day.
Just to be clear and make sure that there is no confusion about said makeover contract. Makeovers are strictly off the menu for today, If I mention makeover again today I give permission to use one emoji of your choice just to clarify that you have no interest in having a makeover.
The no makeover contract lasts for 24hrs only, is non transferable or refundable so changing ones name will not void the makeover contract. At any time after said makeover contract is expired all bets are off ;D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on May 01, 2017, 04:12:15 AM
Dear Laurie
I promise I won't mention a makeover once. If at any time I suggest a makeover just inform me that you are not interested in having a makeover and I won't mention having a makeover for the rest of the day.
Just to be clear and make sure that there is no confusion about said makeover contract. Makeovers are strictly off the menu for today, If I mention makeover again today I give permission to use one emoji of your choice just to clarify that you have no interest in having a makeover.
The no makeover contract lasts for 24hrs only, is non transferable or refundable so changing ones name will not void the makeover contract. At any time after said makeover contract is expired all bets are off ;D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
LMAO Sadie,
I am so glad you refrained from mentioning that dreadfully scary word.
Thank you for being so considerate. I should be forever grateful.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie its a shame I cant make it over to see you, anyway I do enjoy reading your posts and look forward to the day you stop being a female vampire. by the way have a very loose back molar that's very sore , hoping to see dentist on Wednesday (day off) to get it pulled but the point is soaking it in bourbon to ease it so if my posts get a bit odd you know why :o
Quote from: davina61 on May 01, 2017, 02:12:03 PM
Laurie its a shame I cant make it over to see you, anyway I do enjoy reading your posts and look forward to the day you stop being a female vampire. by the way have a very loose back molar that's very sore , hoping to see dentist on Wednesday (day off) to get it pulled but the point is soaking it in bourbon to ease it so if my posts get a bit odd you know why :o
Hi Davina,
Sorry about the tooth. Did you stumble in your heels at the track and smack your cheek on a rig? I couldn't do the bourbon anymore so I had to change it out for ice water. Held in the cheek like a squirrel stocking up for winter is quite effective for numbing and the water is better for you if you swallow it. Just keep replacing the ice water when it warms up and you'll be ok.
Vampires again?? Well I guess there may me a few similarities at that, but I draw the line at sucking blood. Sucking in and of itself isn't bad... it that I might faint at the sight of blood.
Take care of the tooth Davina.
Hugs,
Laurie
Yesterday afternoon I told an Old friend I used to work with. He and I banter with each other on facebook, much like I do with Mon eeee, Liz, and others of you here on Susan's place. Well I don't think he believes me and thinks I am pulling his leg about it. I'm almost sure he's expecting a "Gotcha" from me if he goes along with it. Boy is he really in for a surprize when he finally discovers it's true.
I also told a niece of mine ( the sister I live with daughter that live in PA ) She tells me she has known I crossdressed for a long time having been told pre 1994 and later by my mom. I'm not sure about here memories though. either she is wrong about the first one or I have been the talk of the family for a long, long time. That kinda bothers me.
Anywho, she's okay with it and has a friend a bit older than her that is trans and if I got it right has newly started HRT. We are now FB friends and if the friend is not already part of Susan's, I will try to stear her to us.
Hugs to all,
Laurie
The whiskey has worked and not feeling drunk, no didn't fall off my boots . They are great and make my posture correct. Bloody tooth has been getting loser for ages , almost can pull it myself but its a stubborn bas***d. Sorry for the un lady language . Did you get the MAKE it OVER. Apologies
Quote from: davina61 on May 01, 2017, 04:09:18 PM
The whiskey has worked and not feeling drunk, no didn't fall off my boots . They are great and make my posture correct. Bloody tooth has been getting loser for ages , almost can pull it myself but its a stubborn bas***d. Sorry for the un lady language . Did you get the MAKE it OVER. Apologies
Glad the tooth is under control again. No apology needed, I was a sailor remember and many times a drunken one. You know how a drunken sailor can swear. But you're right it isn't very ladylike, is it? Oh well, we both will live.
And oh yeah, no recent do overs for me.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: JeanetteLW on May 01, 2017, 03:18:25 PM
Yesterday afternoon I told an Old friend I used to work with. He and I banter with each other on facebook, much like I do with Mon eeee, Liz, and others of you here on Susan's place. Well I don't think he believes me and thinks I am pulling his leg about it. I'm almost sure he's expecting a "Gotcha" from me if he goes along with it. Boy is he really in for a surprize when he finally discovers it's true.
I also told a niece of mine ( the sister I live with daughter that live in PA ) She tells me she has known I crossdressed for a long time having been told pre 1994 and later by my mom. I'm not sure about here memories though. either she is wrong about the first one or I have been the talk of the family for a long, long time. That kinda bothers me.
Anywho, she's okay with it and has a friend a bit older than her that is trans and if I got it right has newly started HRT. We are now FB friends and if the friend is not already part of Susan's, I will try to stear her to us.
Hugs to all,
Laurie
Families are weird and tend to close ranks around their members, It sounds to me like your family has been aware for a longer time than you realise. But what it does tell you is that none of them were bothered enough by it for them to change the way they treat you...you never noticed...That says many things about your family one of them being they don't care about your cross dressing and never have or they may well have expressed it by now. If anything I would have thought this puts you in an excellent position for acceptance. It is truly remarkable that they have known all this time and have kept it from you. It just shows the huge level of respect they have for you.
Liz
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 01, 2017, 05:27:34 PM
It just shows the huge level of respect they have for you.
Liz
I agree with Liz. If you hadn't noticed, then they've already bought into your uniqueness and are OK with it. It's just part of who you are, and you fit into the larger family. From what I see of your helpful, supportive and friendly nature, they will love having you around. Unless you only act this way with trans people? [emoji12] [emoji15] [emoji1] Randy
Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
I don't know Liz. When it's a secret you thought you would carry to the grave with you so no one will ever know. It is hard to find out it's been common knowledge for those you were trying to hide it from the most. It's another shameful failure. Finding out they are okay with it helps but the embarrassment of it is still felt, to a lesser degree, yes, but it is still there.
It makes you wonder how wide spread the knowledge is. This is a niece that lives in Pennsylvania over 2000 miles away that has visited family on the west coast only 3 times and she heard about it twice? And from two different relatives? Some secret. :(
Oh I know I'll live and it isn't the end of the world but I'm still not happy about it. Lol That is just the kind of thing I would go off and raid my girly stash over to feel better. LOL Now what do I do?
Get over it Laurie. Nothing you can do about it now.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: RandyL on May 01, 2017, 05:41:08 PM
I agree with Liz. If you hadn't noticed, then they've already bought into your uniqueness and are OK with it. It's just part of who you are, and you fit into the larger family. From what I see of your helpful, supportive and friendly nature, they will love having you around. Unless you only act this way with trans people? [emoji12] [emoji15] [emoji1] Randy
Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
Nope Randy,
What way? No this is me. What you see it what you get. Silly nonsense, unbidden tears, uncontrolled emotions, guarded feelings, anger issues, it's all me.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: JeanetteLW on May 01, 2017, 05:57:14 PM
I don't know Liz. When it's a secret you thought you would carry to the grave with you so no one will ever know. It is hard to find out it's been common knowledge for those you were trying to hide it from the most. It's another shameful failure. Finding out they are okay with it helps but the embarrassment of it is still felt, to a lesser degree, yes, but it is still there.
It makes you wonder how wide spread the knowledge is. This is a niece that lives in Pennsylvania over 2000 miles away that has visited family on the west coast only 3 times and she heard about it twice? And from two different relatives? Some secret. :(
Oh I know I'll live and it isn't the end of the world but I'm still not happy about it. Lol That is just the kind of thing I would go off and raid my girly stash over to feel better. LOL Now what do I do?
Get over it Laurie. Nothing you can do about it now.
Hugs,
Laurie
I hope I didn't sound flippant with your emotions I am certainly not. I understand how it doesn't and does sit well with you. But I think they have shown ....your family...that you are family and the love and accept you just the way you are...I would suggest you have a great family...I have known that one of my cousins has been living with her partner in a marriage arrangement for 10 years and no one ever speaks of it...we all know...but it makes no difference to anyone...they are still loved and accepted for who they are...no special treatment.
Finding out that your "take to the grave" secret was common knowledge amongst your family is hard take but they love you despite what you think...
Shame full failure...do you really feel that is what you are? That is hardly a fair description of yourself...So you are not great at the art of deceit...you will never be a spy!!!! Seriously I do understand it feels bad but it has such a sweet silver lining....Imagine if you realised this before you made the progress you have, would you be able to cope with the news as well as you are now. By coming out it has made them reveal to you something they have sworn to keep in the family and thereby leaving themselves vulnerable, but they know and love you and think by telling you they are doing the right thing by you
Find that silver lining...it could come in handy
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 01, 2017, 06:28:51 PM
I hope I didn't sound flippant with your emotions I am certainly not. I understand how it doesn't and does sit well with you. But I think they have shown ....your family...that you are family and the love and accept you just the way you are..
Finding out that your "take to the grave" secret was common knowledge amongst your family is hard take but they love you despite what you think...
Shame full failure...do you really feel that is what you are?
Find that silver lining...it could come in handy
I'm sorry Liz I guess I was not too clear. The "shameful failure' part needs to be thrown in with the "Taking my secret to the grave" part. I've obviously given up on the grave thing and no, I do not feel like a shameful failure about what I am any more. But I certainly did for many years about parts of my life I thought were private.
I have more challenges ahead and though I can still feel a bit embarrassed finding out my secret wasn't very secret. I knew my ex had told everyone she could when we split but this far precedes our divorce. It's origin I am not sure of. How wide spread it was I don't know, but it is history. I'll just have to accept that. It seems there is a lot of things I need to work on accepting lately.
But rest easy Liz. I have taken no offense at all.
Loves ya,
Laurie
Quote from: JeanetteLW on May 01, 2017, 06:59:57 PM
It seems there is a lot of things I need to work on accepting lately.
That's the statement of the week, of the month, of the year. Not just for you -- for myself, for my family, for my friends, for the strangers in the street (or in my case, at Safeway). Acceptance -- what we all want, what we all deserve, and what we all need to grant to others. Well said.
Love,
Randy
Careful RandyL you will set me off on one of my self acceptance rants LOL ha ha
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 01, 2017, 09:45:51 PM
Careful RandyL you will set me off on one of my self acceptance rants LOL ha ha
Do it Randy, I dare ya.
I could probably use a good lecture on the subject...... again. **sigh**
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie,
I would feel weird if I found out people knew my secret. You have acted like nothing is going on for so long and you probably feel a bit betrayed that people knew. And yet, what could they have done with that knowledge, confront you? No it is a crappy situation.
I wish you would get Jeanette her own picture. We could all sit back and watch you two fight with each other. Then again I don't recall seeing you two in the same room. Hmmmm. Is this like Superman and Clark Kent? Nahhh, neither of you wears glasses. Guess I was wrong.
Shy, you had me rolling.
Moni
Is it too soon to tell you I knew you were trans ten years ago? Too soon?
If you lot aren't careful you will set me off on my self reflections while dosed up on Endone in ICU and as Laurie Jeanette will recall they are not pretty reflections.
There is a time in the journey when you need to decide that you will draw a line. What is obvious to all of us and of course being obvious it is usually ignored, is that the past has gone; nothing will change it. You can never take back the hurtful word you said. You can never go back and put a coin in the beggar's bowl. You can never kiss a loved one farewell.
You live with your past and the only way to get over it is to accept it and decide to live for the present and the future. And maybe, just maybe, learn from what you did - or did not do.
There is no need to be sad or disappointed, rather it is a celebration of moving on from past feelings and regrets to present awareness and future hope.
That is called transitioning. All this physical change stuff is just the noise of the make over.
Did someone say ....?
Quote from: Cindy on May 01, 2017, 10:31:57 PM
You live with your past and the only way to get over it is to accept it and decide to live for the present and the future. And maybe, just maybe, learn from what you did - or did not do.
There is no need to be sad or disappointed, rather it is a celebration of moving on from past feelings and regrets to present awareness and future hope.
That is called transitioning. All this physical change stuff is just the noise of the make over.
Did someone say ....?
Hi Cindy,
It always brightens me up when I see you responding to my nonsense. I hope those pain meds are working well but not knocking you out. You are too much a part of this site and peoples hearts here we can't go for long w/o our Cindy fix.
(Big sigh) I guess that is what Ill have to do about the past is work on leaving it in the past where it belongs. I can't just forget it as it is part of me, but I can put it in a box and put it in the attic in case I ever need to pull it out for reference.
I like this "It is a celebration of moving on from past feelings and regrets to present awareness and future hope." That is a good thing to remember as it directs our focus forward to new and better times. For us it is a new beginning. A rebirth if you will. (well it kinda fits with this puberty thing) Even the word transition fits in here.
And no you did NOT hear anything! You're imagining things again. Are you sure you took only the prescribed dosage of those pain meds? Forgot and accidentally took a second dose? Maybe it was something about makeup you heard.
Hugs and luvs ya much Cindy,
Laurie
Lest I forget..
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Quote from: JeanetteLW on May 01, 2017, 10:19:31 PM
Do it Randy, I dare ya.
I could probably use a good lecture on the subject...... again. **sigh**
Hugs,
Laurie
No I think Cindy covered it nicely....
"Cindy"
QuoteThat is called transitioning. All this physical change stuff is just the noise of the make over.
I am with Cindy, the stuff that happens between your ears is what will make you the happiest.
Liz
Quote from: JeanetteLW on May 02, 2017, 12:38:05 AM
Now now Liz, This too shall pass.
I have hugs for you to make it all better. HEY! I have an idea... why not got get a makeover?
Wouldn't that be fun?
Hugs,
Laurie
Indeed it will pass and already has....having a 30 minute grudge match with her tomorrow...me and my Emla cream ;D
HEY! I have an idea... why not got get a makeover?
What a fabulous idea Laurie, we couldn't entice Jeanette into the pleasures, so come on Laurie it was such a great suggestion of yours.
Quote from: JeanetteLW on May 01, 2017, 03:18:25 PM
Yesterday afternoon I told an Old friend I used to work with. He and I banter with each other on facebook, much like I do with Mon eeee, Liz, and others of you here on Susan's place. Well I don't think he believes me and thinks I am pulling his leg about it. I'm almost sure he's expecting a "Gotcha" from me if he goes along with it. Boy is he really in for a surprize when he finally discovers it's true.
I also told a niece of mine ( the sister I live with daughter that live in PA ) She tells me she has known I crossdressed for a long time having been told pre 1994 and later by my mom. I'm not sure about here memories though. either she is wrong about the first one or I have been the talk of the family for a long, long time. That kinda bothers me.
Anywho, she's okay with it and has a friend a bit older than her that is trans and if I got it right has newly started HRT. We are now FB friends and if the friend is not already part of Susan's, I will try to stear her to us.
Hugs to all,
Laurie
So Laurie, you think you're being all stealthy and everyone knows, you stop being all stealthy and they don't believe a word you utter. You just can't win I tells ya! Best just be yourself I say, these Cis lot are a strange, fickle bunch ;D
PS. Just a reminder you only have a few more hours left on you 'get out of a M***O***' card and you'll have to apply for a re-issue through the proper channels if you want an extention ;)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on May 02, 2017, 12:08:49 PM
So Laurie, you think you're being all stealthy and everyone knows, you stop being all stealthy and they don't believe a word you utter. You just can't win I tells ya! Best just be yourself I say, these Cis lot are a strange, fickle bunch ;D
PS. Just a reminder you only have a few more hours left on you 'get out of a M***O***' card and you'll have to apply for a re-issue through the proper channels if you want an extention ;)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Yeah Sadie, my friend is a strange one for sure and it's looking like he may have been missed by my ex when she was outing me to everyone she could. Else I think he would have believed me. We have been friends for decades now and I guess my stealth has been good in his case. Well if he doesn't believe me now he is in for another surprise later when he and everyone else has to believe me.
You say I can get a renewal on the contract? I guess I'd better because that thing isn't happening anytime soon. How much will renewing cost me?
Hugs,
Laurie (I should request a name change sometime too I guess)
Quote from: JeanetteLW on May 02, 2017, 12:24:51 PM
You say I can get a renewal on the contract? I guess I'd better because that thing isn't happening anytime soon. How much will renewing cost me?
Hugs,
Laurie (I should request a name change sometime too I guess)
I think the official currency is a hug. I've just looked back through your posts and it seems you're already have a lot of credit with everyone so you're off the hook for now ;D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hi folks,
With all this recent talk about colonoscopies along with a comment about needing it done at 3 years instead of 5, I started feeling guilty about not scheduling my recommended 3 year procedure. It is right there in my record and in the wellness reminder part of it too and I let is slide waiting for someone at the VA to notice it. My last one was done in Oct 2013 so I'm about 7 months over due. Today I broke down and sent my doctor a message asking about it.
I also have an appointment at the location where my primary doc is that isn't clear if it is to see him or for hormone labs that he had said he would request at 3 months. The appointment is on the 22nd which would be 4 months so it occurred to me that it could be for a consult after the lab results are returned. (labs get ordered and frequently no notice of it is given. They are not usually scheduled per se) So I also asked him to clarify it for me.
I also included a plug for an increase in estradiol and addition of progesterone again after labs are done. Can't blame a girl for trying.
On another subject I decided to request a name change to Laurie or if it is not available Laurie Jeanette.
Yesterday was mostly a male mode day as I was asked to help a friend retrieve her belonging from storage and transport then to her new apartment. She needed the use of my pickup as none of her other helpers had one. I asked her if I should show up in my white turtle neck, skinny jeans and stiletto boots. (She knows about me obviously), She said she didn't care what I wore as long as she got use of my vehicle. But since none of the others helping knows I chickened out and went in male mode. I did leave my nails long with clear polish on them. (Got to have something...) I think she thinks I am getting old as she kept telling me "your not supposed to be carrying things" and "let Jeff and Robert carry that one" She might just be right though. things seem a bit heavier now and going up and down those stairs had me huffing and puffing in just a short time. *sigh* I think the note about "severe emphysema noted" on my last CT scan may mean something... She fed us pizza which tasted good but the 3 slices and a bread stick with root beer to drink may have affected my blood sugar reading this morning as it was 159 when it is normally under 100. yes, yes I know better carbs and calories, carbs and calories...
That's about all that is going on for now.
Hugs,
Laurie
LAURIE!!! Look at you with your new name and your ever-widening circle of friends and family who know and accept the real you. I turn my back for a few days and all of a sudden there is a new girl in town! I am so excited that things have been going well with your sister and that you've been able to let your hair down more around the house. And as much as you protest, I know you are thinking about where and when you can make your next outing en femme.
Just a little update from me--I had my first doctor's appointment yesterday and did my bloodwork, hoping that I can get hormones in a month or two! Also first therapy appointment coming up next Thurs. I'm very excited to take some of these steps. You always shrug it off when I say that you inspire me, but I'm not sure you really appreciate how important your openness and honesty is to a lot of people on the site whether or not they post (or even register). More than once you have given voice to something I was feeling, and you're a good sport to put up with all of the advising and cajoling and poking and prodding you get in return for sharing so openly. Hugs!, P
Awwww Thank you p,
I think you have to be my biggest fan, not that I'm a celebrity or anything (applause, applause). I think you give me too much credit. Just look at What Liz is doing with her official name change trials and tribulations. Or Kathy with her recent going full time, she's put it if high gear and going strong. Or Sadie, going shopping for a wig and finding a salon she likes, or how about that Ashley with her new found stability and feeling good in her skin for once by accepting she's a woman and becoming happier all the time.
And don't forget your self, discovering yourself and making your appointment (now done) in order to begin the process of getting your HRT meds so you can hope on the hormone rollercoaster with all of us. Then your gender therapist appointment next Thursday. The only advice I can give you there is that it isn't such a scary thing, you'll be fine. And to just be yourself and be honesty with him or her. How else are they going to have a chance at helping you with the things you have problems with. At the very least they are good listeners.
These are two big steps you are taking girl, big steps. I'm proud of you, p. You've got this, own it.
Hugs,
Laurie
not a celeb!!!! sure I saw a slab with a star on it with your name (or was that hugh laurie ?) put on your high heels and walk that red carpet girl. Good luck at the Docs and well done with the folks at home.
PS rang my dentist and as I have not been for a couple of years they have taken me off there list so that leaves me with no dentist I can go to as no one is taking on new patience , emergency dentist then
Quote from: davina61 on May 03, 2017, 02:47:31 PM
PS rang my dentist and as I have not been for a couple of years they have taken me off there list so that leaves me with no dentist I can go to as no one is taking on new patience , emergency dentist then
Well poop Davina, that wasn't helpful at all. But you must go get that tooth taken care of. You can't keep drowning it in bourbon. Good luck finding someone to fix it.
Hugs.
Laurie
They say the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I disagree cause I saw the real thing on this thread. Laurie, are you not saying that you would rather do a colonoscopy than a makeover? Now that's crazy!
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 03, 2017, 06:58:17 PM
They say the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I disagree cause I saw the real thing on this thread. Laurie, are you not saying that you would rather do a colonoscopy than a makeover? Now that's crazy!
Moni
Now Moni (as in Tony, Tony fo fony fee fi fo fony... Moni !!)
I would have to answer yes to that question. With my history with cancer missing a colonoscopy could kill me whereas not going for that "M" word won't. Goofball , ANYONE would choose the beneficial one over the "M" word.
And just who do you think you are calling me crazy?
BTW My doc did answer me.
On the colonoscopy he referred me to my oncologist as she is my cancer expert and better able to make that decision. I see here again on my glow in the dark (CT scan) day 5/15/2017 a week from Monday.
On the increase of my HRT there is hope yet... No changes in estradiol will be entertained until after labs drawn on 5/22/2017 and the results come in. He also said no progesterone until I am on a full dose of estradiol. So if you read between the lines... I am not at a full dose of estradiol yet so increases are likely. When is the question. >:( >:( >:(
So there Miss Moni You have your answer.
Hugs,
Laurie
Aghhh, you called me Ms. Moni, it makes me feel warm and fee, phi, foe fuzzy. I guess I do understand, I would rather do a colonoscopy than listen to country music. Hey we could start a new thread of what we hate worse than a colonoscopy. We could bring Susan's to a new low. Nahhhhh!
Looks like we will both visit the doctor on May 15th. I have my pre-op physical that day. In no way am I comparing my situation with your history with cancer, but I am still scared that they will find some reason to stop my surgery. Here's to good luck for us both.
Moni
If I am a goofball, you are crazy. I think I could get a few people on this thread to back me up.
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 03, 2017, 08:36:32 PM
Looks like we will both visit the doctor on May 15th. I have my pre-op physical that day. In no way am I comparing my situation with your history with cancer, but I am still scared that they will find some reason to stop my surgery. Here's to good luck for us both.
Moni
If I am a goofball, you are crazy. I think I could get a few people on this thread to back me up.
Oh your a Goofball alright, there's no question of that. Sure you'll have a whole slew of people on here to back you up on that. As for me being crazy... well It's been said of me before but I always consider the source as being in a more fragile state of mind than myself which of course renders their opinion null and void.
I'll give you a thought or two on the 15th with I spin my wheels up at the VA hospital. My visit will take up the whole morning starting with having blood drawn for labs and an IV being put in. I hope it doesn't take 6 attempts again. Next event is the CT scan itself. I hope the Iv doesn't blow out the vein this time while injecting the iodine. After a further wait the good part occurs. I see my oncologist. I look upon this as a social visit. We always start out talking about her 2 kids and my grand children and then where in the country I've visited between visits. She's a younger lady (just into her 40s) and easy on the eye. She tell me what my labs and the CT show and check my breathing and feel my lymph nodes. Well discuss medical things and she'll answer my questions if I have any. Then a date is set for 3 - 4 months down the road for us to do it all over again. The poor lady has had to tell me I'm dying twice now and that's no fun for anyone. I know it sure ruins my day I know she doesn't like to do it. So far she has been wrong twice and I know she shares my happiness at that. I truly enjoy my visits with this woman regardless of what she has to tell me.
I hope everything goes according to plan at your appointment Moni. My fingers are crossed and hoping for the best for you.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 03, 2017, 08:36:32 PM
Aghhh, you called me Ms. Moni, it makes me feel warm and fee, phi, foe fuzzy. I guess I do understand, I would rather do a colonoscopy than listen to country music. Hey we could start a new thread of what we hate worse than a colonoscopy. We could bring Susan's to a new low. Nahhhhh!
Looks like we will both visit the doctor on May 15th. I have my pre-op physical that day. In no way am I comparing my situation with your history with cancer, but I am still scared that they will find some reason to stop my surgery. Here's to good luck for us both.
Moni
If I am a goofball, you are crazy. I think I could get a few people on this thread to back me up.
You dont like Country music?? for shame.. thems my tunes heheh ;)
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on May 03, 2017, 09:01:38 PM
You dont like Country music?? for shame.. thems my tunes heheh ;)
When the music died a second time, with the rise of that crap eerrr I mean rap, hippity hopping garbage noise making.... Good rock had died again and great acid rock died with Morrison, Hendrix, and Janis joplin's deaths. I had to find another genre to listen to. All I could find that was decent was in the newer country realm. So by default I now listen to that when I listen to radio. I know Moni it's not good old rock and roll but it will have to do. I'm with Ashley on this one. Country it is. Besides it goes with my cowgirl hat. Okay it's still my cowboy hat I haven't bought a cowgirl hat yet. Some guy in the grocery story told me he liked it today as he passed by. (usually it's the girls that like it)
Hugs,
Laurie ( hmmm Laurie is a good cowgirl name too )
Whaaaaaaaaa, listening to country music!?!?
I suggest you girls instantly go listen to Pink Fairies 'do it!' and then go get makeovers. These are the new rules, else it's the naughty step for you both ;D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Laurie on May 03, 2017, 02:23:49 PM
Awwww Thank you p,
I think you have to be my biggest fan, not that I'm a celebrity or anything (applause, applause).
If I wasn't already, that joke sealed the deal! :laugh:
Quote from: Shy on May 04, 2017, 04:45:32 AM
Whaaaaaaaaa, listening to country music!?!?
I suggest you girls instantly go listen to Pink Fairies 'do it!' and then go get makeovers. These are the new rules, else it's the naughty step for you both ;D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
What is this Sadie? A conspiracy? I've never heard of the Pink Fairies but as per your wishes I google them and see they've been around since the 70s (my era) and have several albums so I pick one - Neverneverland to listen to.
You Tube here I come. I find Never Never Land and hit the play button and what do I here for the first selection? "Do It" Whoa! What is going on here?... You do realize I did not take the "DO it" in your post as a song to listen to but as a command to go listen. LOL That was weird.
I suppose I should brush up on my reading comprehension skills.
As for the group They strike me as a bit like the Mothers of Invention in style. A little tamer perhaps. Yes I listened to Zappa a bit in my day. Faves though were Doors, Cream, Hendrix, Janis Joplin, etc. The doors are still my favorite group.
Hugs,
Laurie
PS. It isn't working I still am not ready for the "M" word. :P :P :P
Quote from: Laurie on May 04, 2017, 12:44:21 PM
What is this Sadie? A conspiracy? I've never heard of the Pink Fairies but as per your wishes I google them and see they've been around since the 70s (my era) and have several albums so I pick one - Neverneverland to listen to.
You Tube here I come. I find Never Never Land and hit the play button and what do I here for the first selection? "Do It" Whoa! What is going on here?... You do realize I did not take the "DO it" in your post as a song to listen to but as a command to go listen. LOL That was weird.
I suppose I should brush up on my reading comprehension skills.
As for the group They strike me as a bit like the Mothers of Invention in style. A little tamer perhaps. Yes I listened to Zappa a bit in my day. Faves though were Doors, Cream, Hendrix, Janis Joplin, etc. The doors are still my favorite group.
Hugs,
Laurie
PS. It isn't working I still am not ready for the "M" word. :P :P :P
Eek, I wasn't barking orders at you Laurie. I thought everyone of our vintage new about the Pink Fairies, they were and institution.
I listened with Zappa and the mothers for about a year until punk came along and everything changed. I just caught the tail end of the 60's, early 70's as peace and love turned into safety pins and anarchy. I have fond memories sneaking into night clubs underage to be assaulted by three chords and a wall of noise. Still listen to a lot of punk these days, I think you're early influences stay with you for life.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on May 04, 2017, 02:38:48 PM
Eek, I wasn't barking orders at you Laurie. I thought everyone of our vintage new about the Pink Fairies, they were and institution.
I listened with Zappa and the mothers for about a year until punk came along and everything changed. I just caught the tail end of the 60's, early 70's as peace and love turned into safety pins and anarchy. I have fond memories sneaking into night clubs underage to be assaulted by three chords and a wall of noise. Still listen to a lot of punk these days, I think you're early influences stay with you for life.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Sadie,
Not an institution in my circles. I never did punk. Acid rock, psychedelics and Vietnam protest was what I loved. I didn't even like the Beatles until Magical Mystery tour and Yellow Submarine.
Didn't care for much in bubble gum and HATED disco. So I quit listening to radio. Started again finding groups like Rush, Quiet riot, Triumph, Def Leopard and the like. I've also been known to listen to Beethoven, Tsiolkovsky and a couple others. I like Journey, CSN, Eagles, Pink Floyd etc too. Heck, I like a lot of genres. None of the new trash rap crap of any kind. it is just garbage and filth.
I'm still listen to Pink Fairies.... they aren't bad at all I think I could have liked them had I heard of them before.
Laurie
I would rather have a tooth pulled than listen to country, oh ya that happened today. Worst bit no alcohol for 2 days and bought soup to take to work tomorrow . Music SOUL Motown , Northern Soul (its a uk thing ,obscure white label ect)
Quote from: davina61 on May 04, 2017, 03:07:58 PM
I would rather have a tooth pulled than listen to country, oh ya that happened today. Worst bit no alcohol for 2 days and bought soup to take to work tomorrow . Music SOUL Motown , Northern Soul (its a uk thing ,obscure white label ect)
Glad that pesky tooth is out Davina. You'll survive w/o the bourbon.
SOUL Motown? Davina you are dating yourself. I remember my late older sister listening to them. Did you listen to Elvis and the Beach Boys too? Jan and Dean? shhh No no I never did. I said shhhh now!
Laurie
Laurie,
I see the name change is official now. Congratulations! Do we have a ceremony? Baptism? Bar Mitzvah? Circumcision? Makeover? lol
Next time you come careening through Colorado we have to arrange a stopover. We're not just drive-thru country ya know!
Love,
Randy
Quote from: RandyL on May 04, 2017, 10:14:38 PM
Next time you come careening through Colorado we have to arrange a stopover. We're not just drive-thru country ya know!
Love,
Randy
But Randy,
I've been to your town already. I even spent a couple nights there. Where were you?
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 04, 2017, 10:34:09 PM
But Randy,
I've been to your town already. I even spent a couple nights there. Where were you?
Hugs,
Laurie
If you're referring to your recent snowstorm epic, I was going nowhere, and was very impressed that you kept going. I think you went through Denver on I-70. If so, you missed your chance to brave the infamous Monarch Pass and come through Colorado Springs, but there'll be another time.
Thanks,
Randy
Quote from: RandyL on May 04, 2017, 11:14:24 PM
If you're referring to your recent snowstorm epic, I was going nowhere, and was very impressed that you kept going. I think you went through Denver on I-70. If so, you missed your chance to brave the infamous Monarch Pass and come through Colorado Springs, but there'll be another time.
Thanks,
Randy
Hi Randy
Nope, I was trying to make it through the pass on I-50 from Grand Junction. I made it several miles east of Montrose when I could hardly see the road in front of my pickup and turned around. In Delta I tried a cut off to I-70 and went about 13 mile and hard to turn around again. I picked up I-70 all the way back in Grand Junction and made it over the pass on it. Once through the last tunnel and on the Denver side I was driving in about 4" of slush and found out my washer fluid had frozen. I had to stop twice before being able to take the next exit and stop at a truck stop where I bought De-icer washer fluid and got my system thawed out and working. From there it was I-70 to Nebraska. Never got near Colorado Springs.
Quite a few years ago when I was employed as a contractor for Compucom, I was on a project to upgrade Walgreen stores with new server and registers. I was at a Walgreen in Colorado Springs near the airport. I think it was 1920 S Chelton Rd, Colorado Springs, CO 80916, but I'm not sure. I was there working 2 nights.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 03, 2017, 09:32:28 PM
Good rock had died again and great acid rock died with Morrison, Hendrix, and Janis joplin's deaths. I had to find another genre to listen to.
It died but keeps trying to come to life in some pretty decent artists. The Gipsy Kings, The Decembrists, Shawn Colvin, Yuna, reggae. There's great music out there. It's just harder to find with the music industry the way it is now.
(Shameless plug) I'm surprised you never saw my thread:
Favorite Transition-Themed Song
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218294.msg1975326.html#msg1975326
I KNOW you must know a song or 2 that applies to the topic.
Quote from: Jane Emily on May 04, 2017, 11:59:32 PM
(Shameless plug) I'm surprised you never saw my thread:
Favorite Transition-Themed Song
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218294.msg1975326.html#msg1975326
I KNOW you must know a song or 2 that applies to the topic.
Sorry Jane,
Oooops Caught! Yes, I am aware the thread is there. Alas I haven't opened it. I've thought I might take a look one of these days out of curiosity. I'm afraid I threw it in the 'what are you thinking/ watching/ listening to/ reading threads that tend to illicit a "who cares?" response from me. Didn't I mention I am quite anti-social?
One of these time I will take a look. I promise Jane. I do have a bit of curiosity as to what may be found in it. As far as songs I know that fit? Only one or two come to mind and they would already be there.
Quote from: Laurie on May 05, 2017, 12:05:31 AM
Only one or two come to mind and they would already be there.
Freedom by Richie Havens? I already posted it and credited you with reminding me of it from another post you made. It's pretty apt.
Quote from: Jane Emily on May 05, 2017, 07:53:18 PM
Freedom by Richie Havens? I already posted it and credited you with reminding me of it from another post you made. It's pretty apt.
Jane I agree there is a certain feeling of freedom in making our decisions to transition but I wouldn't think of the song fitting the topic. Not sure of the thanks for it. lol
hugs,
Laurie
Hi folks,
Not much of anything going on with me these last few days. I have several appointment coming up this month starting with my gender therapy appointment on Tuesday 5/9. I don't have any pressing things to bring up in it this time either. It seems there was something I wanted to talk to him about but I can't remember what it was. I guess it wasn't important.
On the 15th its going to me a long day up at the VA hospital. I have some labs for my oncologist, an IV to be put in and then my 3 month CT scan. Yes, it's that time again. time for the glow in the dark test and the wait for my oncologist appointment after the results are tabulated. Will it be good news that there is no sign of the cancer or will it be the deflating bad news once that it has finally returned yet again. What the verdict will be I never know. This is something I go through about 4 times a year. I've been given the bad news twice now (actually 3 times if you count the initial finding of the tumor in my left kidney). I've been given months to live twice and have not let it win. I'm still here, still fighting to stay here. Anyone that has been diagnosed with cancer will tell you it's fight this disease of lie down and die. Ask Cindy, she knows.
Later that day I have a followup appointment in the eye department so they can check their laser repair job on a tear I had in my retina about a year ago. I imagine they will also check the progress of my macular degenation at that time too. Later this month is my visit with my PCP on the 22nd. It's my regular 6 month check up with him but it is also when my hormone (and other labs) blood draw will be done and his subsequent determination if he will increase my estradiol dosage. I've already lobbied him twice to do so.
Oh did I mention I called a local electrologist today? No? Well I did. I got a recording and left my name and number so we can discuss costs and possibly make an appointment. LOL I finally work up to making the call and I get a recording.
That's about it for now.
Hugs to all,
Laurie
QuoteOh did I mention I called a local electrologist today? No? Well I did. I got a recording and left my name and number so we can discuss costs and possibly make an appointment. LOL I finally work up to making the call and I get a recording
Getting a recording is a Good Thing. Electrolysis operators are largely single-person businesses. If they are working on someone, charging for every 15 minutes, it is considered bad form to stop treatment to chat on the phone. Getting a recording means:
1) The electrolysis operator has customers, and is busy. You don't want an operator with no customers...
2) The operator shows their customers some courtesy.
Now, if they don't return your call within a day or so, that might not be a good sign...
Off note, there seems to be a lot of hating on good ol' country music. Squares ;) heheh
Quote from: Michelle_P on May 05, 2017, 09:06:03 PM
Getting a recording is a Good Thing. Electrolysis operators are largely single-person businesses. If they are working on someone, charging for every 15 minutes, it is considered bad form to stop treatment to chat on the phone. Getting a recording means:
1) The electrolysis operator has customers, and is busy. You don't want an operator with no customers...
2) The operator shows their customers some courtesy.
Now, if they don't return your call within a day or so, that might not be a good sign...
Thanks for the pep talk Michelle. But now I'll jump every time my phone rings. Just think I'm about to join the rest of you ladies in the self inflicted torture of hair removal. Cue up Beethoven's Ode to Joy
OUCH
Laurie
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on May 05, 2017, 09:28:44 PM
Off note, there seems to be a lot of hating on good ol' country music. Squares ;) heheh
So it isn't just me that noticed...
Quote from: Laurie on May 05, 2017, 09:42:48 PM
Thanks for the pep talk Michelle. But now I'll jump every time my phone rings. Just think I'm about to join the rest of you ladies in the self inflicted torture of hair removal. Cue up Beethoven's Ode to Joy
OUCH
Laurie
And there's me thinking that county and western was self inflicted torture ;D
Follicle zapping sounds like way more fun. Good for you Laurie, the things us ladies have to put up with to look our best eh?
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on May 05, 2017, 09:28:44 PM
Off note, there seems to be a lot of hating on good ol' country music. Squares ;) heheh
Ha, Ashley. Hearing "Off note" and "country music" in the same sentence has a certain irony to it. :D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Laurie on May 05, 2017, 09:00:12 PM
Hi folks,
Not much of anything going on with me these last few days. I have several appointment coming up this month starting with my gender therapy appointment on Tuesday 5/9. I don't have any pressing things to bring up in it this time either. It seems there was something I wanted to talk to him about but I can't remember what it was. I guess it wasn't important.
On the 15th its going to me a long day up at the VA hospital. I have some labs for my oncologist, an IV to be put in and then my 3 month CT scan. Yes, it's that time again. time for the glow in the dark test and the wait for my oncologist appointment after the results are tabulated. Will it be good news that there is no sign of the cancer or will it be the deflating bad news once that it has finally returned yet again. What the verdict will be I never know. This is something I go through about 4 times a year. I've been given the bad news twice now (actually 3 times if you count the initial finding of the tumor in my left kidney). I've been given months to live twice and have not let it win. I'm still here, still fighting to stay here. Anyone that has been diagnosed with cancer will tell you it's fight this disease of lie down and die. Ask Cindy, she knows.
Later that day I have a followup appointment in the eye department so they can check their laser repair job on a tear I had in my retina about a year ago. I imagine they will also check the progress of my macular degenation at that time too. Later this month is my visit with my PCP on the 22nd. It's my regular 6 month check up with him but it is also when my hormone (and other labs) blood draw will be done and his subsequent determination if he will increase my estradiol dosage. I've already lobbied him twice to do so.
Oh did I mention I called a local electrologist today? No? Well I did. I got a recording and left my name and number so we can discuss costs and possibly make an appointment. LOL I finally work up to making the call and I get a recording.
That's about it for now.
Hugs to all,
Laurie
I've got my radiation oncologist follow up on Monday. He was the one who had to tell me that my cancer had returned and that I had 2 options and one was terminal. He is a lovely man who did struggle with meeting a TG woman as a patient on my first consult. He overcame it when I asked him how he would feel if he had walked into my clinic to consult me for his cancer.
I'm pretty sure I do now glow in the dark. Pretty cool really "A glow in the dark Cindy Doll" sounds like the perfect gift.
Good luck on your appointment Hon. I know how it feels. :-*
Quote from: Shy on May 06, 2017, 02:23:12 AM
And there's me thinking that county and western was self inflicted torture ;D
Follicle zapping sounds like way more fun. Good for you Laurie, the things us ladies have to put up with to look our best eh?
Ha, Ashley. Hearing "Off note" and "country music" in the same sentence has a certain irony to it. :D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hush Sadie, just hush. lol
Quote from: Cindy on May 06, 2017, 03:35:47 AM
I've got my radiation oncologist follow up on Monday. He was the one who had to tell me that my cancer had returned and that I had 2 options and one was terminal. He is a lovely man who did struggle with meeting a TG woman as a patient on my first consult. He overcame it when I asked him how he would feel if he had walked into my clinic to consult me for his cancer.
I'm pretty sure I do now glow in the dark. Pretty cool really "A glow in the dark Cindy Doll" sounds like the perfect gift.
Good luck on your appointment Hon. I know how it feels. :-*
Cindy,
I hope your follow up on Monday goes well.
Thank you Cindy and yes I know you understand how I feel every 3-4 months. The apprehension is difficult but the relief upon hearing good news is wonderful.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 05, 2017, 09:42:48 PM
Thanks for the pep talk Michelle. But now I'll jump every time my phone rings. Just think I'm about to join the rest of you ladies in the self inflicted torture of hair removal. Cue up Beethoven's Ode to Joy
OUCH
Laurie
You may find that it doesn't bother you that much or a simple anti-inflammatory will do the trick. The reactions to Electrolysis are so varied... I don't think anyone would say it is pleasant and many cope really well without intervention. I have hypersensitivity (or call me a wuss I don't care)on my face so it is extremely painful...the trade off is I have a very low number of follicles...my regrowth/new growth is negligible...even my Electrologist was surprised at just how stubborn these hairs were imbedded in my face and how little regrowth there had been...
When you see the Electrologist she will no doubt give you a test run to see how you feel about it. With any luck you will go...no problem although being on HRT does raise the likelihood of it hurting a bit more than say pre - HRT
There are plenty here who can give you good advice on how to maximise your sessions...you may even want to look into going and having a full clearance in one hit with injections to numb you (studio 3000?). If there was somewhere here in Australia that would do it I would have done it by now. It just seems to me to be the least Dysphoric inducing way of doing it...Growing your facial hair out for treatment becomes a real hassle whether you are full time or not...mainly because it grows so slowly you need to allow more and more time for the hair to gain enough length for the Electrologist to be able to work with.
I detest the look and feel of "hairy makeup"( I can never disguise it properly) and it tends to turn me into a hermit...think about timings...have appointments on the Monday or Tuesday to give you the weekend to grow it...Tuesdays did work well for me. I could shave on a Friday morning and then not again to Tuesday after treatment...It didn't really bother me until the Monday morning and then there was only 24 hrs to go. When you book appointments/places that you can safely go "en femme" don't do it the day before Electrology ....I can hear you jumping for joy already? or was that you hitting the floor in a dead faint.... :D
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 06, 2017, 06:46:15 PM
There are plenty here who can give you good advice on how to maximise your sessions...you may even want to look into going and having a full clearance in one hit with injections to numb you (studio 3000?). If there was somewhere here in Australia that would do it I would have done it by now. It just seems to me to be the least Dysphoric inducing way of doing it...Growing your facial hair out for treatment becomes a real hassle whether you are full time or not...mainly because it grows so slowly you need to allow more and more time for the hair to gain enough length for the Electrologist to be able to work with.
I detest the look and feel of "hairy makeup"( I can never disguise it properly) and it tends to turn me into a hermit...think about timings...have appointments on the Monday or Tuesday to give you the weekend to grow it...Tuesdays did work well for me. I could shave on a Friday morning and then not again to Tuesday after treatment...It didn't really bother me until the Monday morning and then there was only 24 hrs to go. When you book appointments/places that you can safely go "en femme" don't do it the day before Electrology ....I can hear you jumping for joy already? or was that you hitting the floor in a dead faint.... :D
Hey Liz,
I thank you for the tips. They may be a bit premature at this point, seeing that I haven't made an appointment and still can chicken out. That idea of a full clear at one appointment is out I'm sure. I'm not that much of a masochist. It's a good thing I don't suffer from bad dysphoria. If I didn't know better, (I did see it in writing after all) I would say I don't have it at all. Because it is not a problem and the fact that I am not out in the public eye en femme, I do not see a problem getting hairy for any possible facial hair plucking appointments. So scheduling should not be a problem provided I can bring myself to schedule that initial visit.
Hugs,
Laurie
The sooner you start it, Laurie, the sooner it will be done. Bear in mind that it can take two years to clear the face.
Like Liz, I have to plan my week around the days I can't shave. Going out en femme (which is the only way I go out these days) with a 3-day growth really sucks. Fortunately, my beard is mostly white, so not terribly visible, and I do enough laser now and then to keep the dark hairs from showing up.
Quote from: KathyLauren on May 06, 2017, 07:17:54 PM
The sooner you start it, Laurie, the sooner it will be done. Bear in mind that it can take two years to clear the face.
Like Liz, I have to plan my week around the days I can't shave. Going out en femme (which is the only way I go out these days) with a 3-day growth really sucks. Fortunately, my beard is mostly white, so not terribly visible, and I do enough laser now and then to keep the dark hairs from showing up.
Thanks Kathy,
I will keep what you've said in mind. Hmmmm so can't go full time for two years? That might be doable....
I'm not sure I have any dark hairs. Grey and white yes, dark I'm not sure perhaps I should try growing a beard and mustache again to see.
Hugs,
Laura
Quote from: Laurie on May 06, 2017, 08:00:45 PM
Thanks Kathy,
I will keep what you've said in mind. Hmmmm so can't go full time for two years? That might be doable....
I'm not sure I have any dark hairs. Grey and white yes, dark I'm not sure perhaps I should try growing a beard and mustache again to see.
Hugs,
Laura
Hey Laura (as in bora)
You don't have to go fulltime if that is not what you want ;)
You don't have to have any Electrolysis if that is not what you want ;)
You don't have to go one step further than you already have if that is not what you want ;)
This is your journey and done at your pace...we are here only to guide, challenge but first and foremost to support your journey. :D :D
Electrolysis not being done isi not a real blocker to going full time. I went full time within about 30 hours of electrolysis being done. (I'm over 100 hours in now)
I do my electrolysis every Monday. My last shave is Friday morning. Saturday, there's not enough for anyone to notice with a good concealer and foundation. Sunday, they have to get awfully up close and personal, or bright sun has to catch your cheek to make anything visible. My hairstyles cover my cheeks. :)
Monday, the only place I'm going in the morning is to the electrolysis session. Afterwards I can use a foil shaver and some good aftercare to make the beard vanish.
I gradually ramped up to 2 hour sessions after going full time, and in January went to two 2 hour sessions each Monday. It is mostly a test of my mindful meditation practices, which get me through the discomfort nicely.
At 100 hours in I no longer shave my upper and lower lip and the area down to the chin. We remove the slow growing immature hairs each Monday. The neck has almost nothing, and the sideburns under my hairstyle are getting thin. There is not enough to worry about or slow me down on the weekend any more.
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 06, 2017, 09:53:55 PM
Hey Laura (as in bora)
You don't have to go fulltime if that is not what you want ;)
You don't have to have any Electrolysis if that is not what you want ;)
You don't have to go one step further than you already have if that is not what you want ;)
This is your journey and done at your pace...we are here only to guide, challenge but first and foremost to support your journey. :D :D
Dear Liz (as in ShowBiz)
:o :o :o I guess this is one of those times people can't tell I'm joking. :( :( :( :(
Or is this just a ploy to get me saying I am going to do something in writing to use as black mail down the road when I drag my feet like I am wont to do. I wouldn't put it past you Aussie types. Sneaky you upside down folk can be. Ooops make that you down under folk. (same thing)
Rest assured I know no one here is twisting my arm to do thing. Friendly nudges, prodding, cajoling and other forms of light coercion yes but no arm twisting. All I have done so far and whatever I may do in the future is of my own volition. So none of you need ever feel or think you are making me do anything. It ruins the fun.
As far as what I'm going to do. I will make it official for you here.
I am making an appointment with someone to perform facial torture.
I foresee myself going full time sometime down the road and if it take me anywhere near two years something went terribly wrong. But first I have to work on stepping out my door en femme during daylight hours and go somewhere in public. It will happen, I promise. I am working on it. Really I am. I stood in my open doorway several minutes, several times for anyone to see, in skinny jeans and top yesterday and a cute dress today. Not many went by and I don't know if any did see me there but I did it. See? I am working on it.
Alright serious nonsense time over.
btw Liz, it looks like you didn't get the memo so I'll post it here again.
Memo:
Let it be known high and low, from the hills to the sea (and on island-like continents) Jeanette has change her name to Laurie, Yes Laurie, as in Dory or even lorrie for foreigners (not Laura which was being considered and rejected in favor of a less formal and fun name)
Thank you for your assistance in this matter.
sincerely ;D ;D Laurie
There it's done and all is well with the world.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Michelle_P on May 06, 2017, 11:43:25 PM
Electrolysis not being done isi not a real blocker to going full time. I went full time within about 30 hours of electrolysis being done. (I'm over 100 hours in now)
Oh come on ladies I was kidding!
I am going to do have facial torture performed. I have seriously decided to do it or I would not have made a call to the electrologist and left my info for her to call me back.
I am going to go full time. I just do not know when but I doubt it will take until the end of the year much less than two years.
There it is in writing. It's official. This will happen....sometime.
Michelle,
I read everything you post in your updates and appreciate the stuff you, Liz and others post regarding electrology.
For that matter I appreciate everything I read from the people here who share about their personal experiences with transition. Be it making the decision that they are going to transition or what recovery from GCR surgery and all in between. I thank each of you that do in order to let those of us who follow get an understanding of what to expect.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi folks,
I guess I'm having a bad day or two. Nothing serious just not quite right. I've been a bit moody, letting little things get to me. Today I would say I've been down right grumpy. I've been at my computer not really interested in what I'm doing on it. I cleared 3 pages of unread topics today because I didn't feel like getting involved and commenting. The several I did comment on was more or less generic comments. There were even a couple where my comment were better left unsaid.
I haven't even been enthused about being me today. I have been en femme all day (sans makeup) and painted my nail a nice shade of frosty darker red and the only thoughts I had for it was "Your just going to have to remove it tomorrow". I've stood in my doorway several time looking out, not really worried whether I was seen or not.
Several time today I've had those thoughts going through my head. You know the ones. Second guessing myself again. And my answers are not coming back the way I want them to. I can't seem to convince myself that these feelings are not heralding another end to one of my old crossdressing binges. Is it time to put my props away and return to being a man again?
If it is then I have really messed up this time. I've taken it way too far. Done things I cannot undo. I hate having these thoughts. They're wrong, I know they're wrong, but there they are. Squirrels running amok in my head. Yesterday, no last night, I'm saying I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that. Today I'm telling myself I need to go through with it because I said I would. Not trying to convince myself to do it , just convinced I will.
What happened? Why? Squirrels, nothing but those pesky squirrels. Tomorrow I'll be fine again. LOL Fine with what, I'm not sure. Squirrels, just squirrels.
I'm F.I.N.E. AA fine atm if you know what that is. But not that bad, no not that bad at all. Never mind me. I'm just caught up in my musings tonight, Tomorrow will be better. That's the way these things work. At least my nails are pretty.
It's just the squirrels....
Hugs,
Laurie
It sucks when you are feeling like that
The very nature of the trans beast is one of self doubt which feeds all our insecurities. Being trans can be hard work and once you are out we pile on even more pressure. It is normal to have doubts, it gives you the opportunity to reaffirm your reasons for wanting to transition. Your reasons, no one else's reason and if at the end of the day you were to discover transition wasn't for you then...such is life....I am sure there is nothing that you have done so far, that you can't put right.
Hope you are feeling better about things soon
Hugs
Liz
Sorry to hear you're struggling Laurie.
From reading your last post it sounds very much like coming out panic. It's very common amongst the LGBTQ community when you publicly commit to something or reveal something about yourself you've tried and failed to suppress for so many years.
I know you have to work through things yourself, we're all different, but it's something that happened to me so thought I'd share.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hang in there, Laurie. It's just the old doubt monster turning over in his sleep. We all get those "WTF am I doing?" moments.
You know what they say about squirrels: you are what you eat. Those squirrels are nuts.
Those doubts are just you mind's way of clinging to what is familiar. Change is scary. But so is not transitioning, or we wouldn't be in the position we are in.
Quote from: KathyLauren on May 06, 2017, 07:17:54 PM
The sooner you start it, Laurie, the sooner it will be done. Bear in mind that it can take two years to clear the face.
Like Liz, I have to plan my week around the days I can't shave. Going out en femme (which is the only way I go out these days) with a 3-day growth really sucks. Fortunately, my beard is mostly white, so not terribly visible, and I do enough laser now and then to keep the dark hairs from showing up.
I'm two years in at an hour a week (my face needs a week to recover), and I'm guessing I have 2-4 years to go. YMMV, of course.
I'm full-time and have to let the beard grow for 3 days to be long enough for her to have something to grab, so I hear ya about running around with several days worth of beard. My beard is almost entirely white, so it's not that visible, either, but I can't use laser at all.
My electrologist now specifies the part of the face she's going to work on next week and I only have to let that part grow.
Sorry about that. I hope you start feeling better. Unfortunately tho it comes with the territory. I have more that my share of WTF moments as well. But all those squirrels all revolve around the same pole and keep coming back to it time and time again. i.e. we were born this way and it's never going away. I found that the feelings tend to magnify whenever I take a step forward. Those times really can be quite stressful.
Also, on a lighter note, congratulations on deciding to pursue face torture (more commonly known as electrolysis). And just think of all the money you're going to wind up saving on shaving cream. It's crazy!
I get the "what the hell have I done" moments but it soon passes , just do some thing the new you likes as that works for me.
Laurie,
I figured out your problem. You haven't had me annoying you in a few days. I think if you stop switching your name you will feel better. You are probably having whiplash at this point. I can't even keep up with how to screw up your moniker any more. Or it could just be you are tired. When nothing seems good, it probably means you are tired. I believe your words to me recently were, "Suck it up!" Give it a day or so. Wait, wait I have something profound to say. Here it comes... "It's a marathon, not a sprint." Okay, not so profound, but true.
Moni
It's possible your testosterone levels have dropped to the level where you have lost the strong feelings that you had before. Think about it and ask yourself if some of what you are feeling now is the result of a drop in your drive to transition. I have seen this happen with several members and some discontinued HRT resulting in a return of the dysphoria they felt before. It can be a serious issue and you should talk to your therapist about it. If I can help you with it, let me know.
Thank you all for being concerned.
I'm fine, really just dumb thoughts popping up is all. I take a little break and my thread goes crazy. Thanks.
I spent the day in male mode. No earrings, polish is off. I almost clipped my nails but didn't. I did take my pills as usual.
I didn't feel weird in male mode but than I didn't expect to. It's not like I'm full time or anything. I've only been what 90% around the apartment for 3 weeks or so. But neither do I feel a need to be girly.
I had been toying with the idea of going to my GT appointment en femme tomorrow, but I don't think so now. It's like a switch turned off. I think I'm just in a funk. Like it doesn't really matter at the moment.
Oh well. I don't want to stop so I'll put one foot in front of the other and carry on.
Dena:
I could think you had something there with you testosterone idea but I think mine were pretty low to begin with back in January. The ranges shown are for men. I'm dues for new labs on the 22nd.
TESTOSTERONE, FREE AND WEAKLY BOUND 14 Low ng/dL 84-402
TESTOSTERONE, FREE(CALC) 5 Low pg/mL 34-194
TESTOSTERONE, TOTAL 0.7 Low ng/mL 2.8-8
ESTRADIOL 93.0 High pg/mL 7.6-42.6
I have no doubt things will get better soon, I'm okay.
Hugs everyone,
Laurie
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ9rUzIMcZQ
Quote from: Laurie on May 09, 2017, 12:28:11 AM
I had been toying with the idea of going to my GT appointment en femme tomorrow, but I don't think so now. It's like a switch turned off. I think I'm just in a funk. Like it doesn't really matter at the moment.
Oh well. I don't want to stop so I'll put one foot in front of the other and carry on.
When I first began to venture out "en femme", one of the things I did was make a list of all those places I considered safe. By that I did I think I could go and sit there and wait for an appointment at a Drs office knowing I would not be ridiculed or discriminated against. The more I thought about it the more I thought there were other places I could feel safe so I began to compile a mental list.
Places like my Psychiatrists office, My therapists office, My Dr's office, the support group venue, the Hospital, My specialist office, Electrologist, etc etc these were all places I could go as me Knowing I would be treated with respect and dignity. I figured if I was ever going to go full time I had to at least venture out to safe spaces...first of all quite androgynous with maybe nail polish and a little eyeliner or mascara.
Just small changes outwardly but constantly being more adventurous. I constantly pushed myself to try new things and see what I liked, still do a bit now....I understand how you are feeling but I wonder if you did a few things for yourself like you have been doing...nail polish etc maybe you would actually feel better for doing some "self pampering"...just a thought :D It is easy to "get caught up in the thick of the thin"
Hi Laurie, just dropping by to say hi! Love the new name--I think Laurie suits you really well. Great job making the call to the electrologist! Such a good step. Sitting here on my lunch break with 2 days of a 3-day beard and DEFINITELY can second that getting this done sooner rather than later is such a good call. Personally, I am beyond caring and don't conceal my beard--I am the bearded lady several days a week and if anyone doesn't like it, that's too bad for them. Since I do 2 1-hour sessions per week, I am basically always recovering from electro and growing out for my next session, so I have stopped all foundation/concealer to give my face a much needed break. I hope your appointments and therapy go well this week. We are all here to support you! Love, P :-*
Quote from: Laurie on May 09, 2017, 12:28:11 AM
I had been toying with the idea of going to my GT appointment en femme tomorrow, but I don't think so now. It's like a switch turned off. I think I'm just in a funk. Like it doesn't really matter at the moment.
Hi again folks,
Well so much for the above;
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FSNKXDcF.jpg&hash=a568036da3a296fe3a76fef883e1140d316f7883)
That's how I went to my therapy appointment. I feel so wishy washy now. I was getting ready to go this morning and decided I could go wearing my women's athletic shoes with purple laces and trim. Since they wouldn't be showing I could wear the pink and white no show Susan G Komen socks. (the pink trim does show when sitting through). I decided to wear a bra as my boobs were going to be noticeable in a T-Shirt anyway. The I decided what the heck and put on my white turtle neck sweater. The my little CZ heart earrings. And maybe a touch of powder, then eye brow pencil, and a bit of neutral eye shadow, just s touch of mascara? Why not? Last a tiny bit of blush. Oh heck just put on the wig. Oh well I'm running later than I wanted to be so no time to take it all off and change close. Out the door I go. The only male I have on is my faded jeans.
Oh yeah the meeting was good. He was pleased I came en femme for the first time and encouraged me to do it more. He said I appeared comfortable dressed as I was meeting with him. He is going to put in a referral to the speech training people. Another therapy appointment made for the 30th.
The lobby was packed again and a bit unnerving.
I called the electrologist again and left another message. So tag she's it.
I think I'm doing a bit better today. Like I said.... squirrels, just those pesky squirrels. I may even go pick up my friends from Missouri at the airport w/o changing. They haven't seen me dressed like this yet. Not sure I will though.
Hugs,
Laurie
See do a bit of the new you and it works wonders, Liz put it better than I did (I was short of time) let the new you out and see what happens, that's mentally out
Thanks Liz, Davina and p.
As you can see Liz, by my last post I sort of took your suggestion. I didn't intend to this time but I kind of got carried away and didn't have time to change back. Oh well, it worked out okay and I survived.
Hugs,
Laurie
Woo-hoo! Way to go, girl!! I am proud of you. :D You look great, and what's more, you look like you feel great.
And another WTG for calling the electrologist. You are on a roll!
Quote from: KathyLauren on May 09, 2017, 04:13:03 PM
Woo-hoo! Way to go, girl!! I am proud of you. :D You look great, and what's more, you look like you feel great.
And another WTG for calling the electrologist. You are on a roll!
Hey It's not my fault. I wasn't going to do it at all !! One thing just kinda led to another and I didn't have time to wash my face and change.
And there's nothing but a game of tag going on with the electrologist.
I have changed for the airport though. Didn't want to explain myself to My friend Peggy's grand kids just yet.
Thanks Kathy. Hugs
Laurie
Yeah I went through a similar process last Saturday. Had an appointment to meet Jane Emily for lunch. I started with girl jeans, then added women's sandals. And a blouse. Well what the heck, put on a bra too. Ok at this point, foundation to cover the beard shadow, and since it's gone this far, top it all off with the wig.
We had a nice lunch and talk outside on the patio of a local restaurant. That was also my first public "outing" hehe to a regular restaurant. We got "ladied" ("Do you ladies need anything else?") which was generous of them in my case. Great experience, and nice to have a trans woman to share it with.
Randy
Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
You mean, Randy, I'm not the only one that accidentally gets dressed en femme to go somewhere and then wonders how that happened?
Your outing sounds a lot more fun than mine was.
Hugs,
Laurie
I love it when a plan comes together ;D
Squirrels. They're smarter than we think [emoji1] [emoji1]
Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 10, 2017, 12:21:21 AM
I love it when a plan comes together ;D
Plan? hush Liz, just hush. I think it was witchcraft or that aborigine voodoo stuff you folks have down under. Don't you have a didgeridoo or waltzing with Matilda or something else to do? *sigh* ;D ;D
That or like Randy said... Squirrels, pesky squirrels
Quote from: RandyL on May 10, 2017, 12:28:39 AM
Squirrels. They're smarter than we think [emoji1] [emoji1]
I swear I was not going to go dressed up this morning. It just happened.
Hugs,
Laurie
Ah, the force is strong in this one :) "Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to loose"(Yoda) And then zap those pesky squirrels.
You're looking great Laurie! Glad the therapy went well.
Speech training sounds fun! Repeat after me do, re, me, fa, so, la, ti, do. ;D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Laurie on May 10, 2017, 01:13:15 AM
Plan? hush Liz, just hush. I think it was witchcraft or that aborigine voodoo stuff you folks have down under. Don't you have a didgeridoo or waltzing with Matilda or something else to do? *sigh* ;D ;D
That or like Randy said... Squirrels, pesky squirrels
I swear I was not going to go dressed up this morning. It just happened.
Hugs,
Laurie
Plant the seed and leave it to Laurie...that's all I did ...she was not going to let you out in grumpy old man mode...she just needed a little encouragement to shoot a few of those squirrels causing all the issues..
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 10, 2017, 03:01:03 AM
Plant the seed and leave it to Laurie...that's all I did ...she was not going to let you out in grumpy old man mode...she just needed a little encouragement to shoot a few of those squirrels causing all the issues..
So now you're saying it was my doing all along are you? I like Sadie's explanation better. Yoda was a cute character.
Squirrel hunt! .22, 30-06, or 12 gauge?
Hugs,
Laurie
double barrel 12 gauge preferably a muzzle loader percussion cap (lots of noise smoke and flames). My granddad had one to keep the starlings of the cheery trees, ahh childhood memories , sigh . Problem is if you nuk all those squiggles then you might stupefy , its the whirring's that make us do things.
Quote from: davina61 on May 10, 2017, 02:21:58 PM
Problem is if you nuk all those squiggles then you might stupefy , its the whirring's that make us do things.
Precisely Davina, them buggers are as bad as the nagging and cajoling crew here on Susan's Place. The only difference is you know when the nags are doing things.
Hugs,
Laurie
Breaking News!
Facial torture starts on the 18th of May 2017! That's only a week from tomorrow.
I just spoke with Christina with whom all likelihood I have just begun a long relationship with. She is the electrologist in my area that I just booked my first hour with. She seems like a nice lady, has 12 years of experience, is Oregon board certified, and is transgender friendly. I told her I was in that group and she was professional enough to ask a name preference. She answered all my questions and gave me some tips to prepare. 1. Drink lots of water the day before and the day of appointments as it helps with pain management. 2. Two days growth maybe three. 3. Take aspirin or advil or tylenol etc 1 hour before if desired. 4. Bring cash or check. $75/hr.
I scheduled only one hour for this first session to see how it goes w/o 5% lidocaine creme. I'll ask my doctor if he can prescribe it for me but It would not arrive in tme for this first session.
So folks it is scheduled. Another small step is underway. I'll update everyone on the crying after it is over.
Hugs,
Laurie
More: I had to change into male mode to go check the mail and got to the store but didn't want to take my sheer pink nail polish off so I left it on and went anyway. No one said anything about it.
I also found out I was seen yesterday going or returning from my appointment by my apartment manager when she ave me a compliment today. She said I looked good in my fem mode. ;D
LJW
Laurie,
I get my numbing creme from my technician. You might ask her. I don't need it too much on the face except for the upper lip. It helps if she can skip around a bit. Too long in one area gets hard.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 10, 2017, 08:51:53 PM
Laurie,
I get my numbing creme from my technician. You might ask her. I don't need it too much on the face except for the upper lip. It helps if she can skip around a bit. Too long in one area gets hard.
Moni
Hi Moni (as in misspelled money with an accent),
Thanks for the Idea, You tried being helpful and I know that must have been difficult with your ornery demeanor.
We did discussed that. Her business is too small to make it cost effective for her clients. I think I mentioned my surprise at how few electrolysis options there are for us here in the Portland area. I think I could find only 2 maybe 3 electrologists outside of the city and maybe 5 in the city.
There are surprisingly few resources in general for LGBTQ+ community here for that matter.
Loves Ya,
Laurie sweet Laurie ;D ;D :angel: :angel:
As the self proclaimed "ointment queen" around here....don't forget to cover the ointment with saran wrap...If you can see the colour of your skin through the ointment...you haven't got enough on...if you don't cover the area with ointment on it, the ointment will evaporate, it is still going to hurt even with the ointment and don't be surprised if you really hate it. But there are several ways in which to gain adequate pain control. You need to be as relaxed as you can be...Moisturise your skin like crazy between treatments and drinking plenty of water the day before and day of treatment. You will be able to judge how long your beard needs to be to work on after a couple of sessions.
I really hope that when you have had your first session you can smile and say.. "Meh! no problem!!" and you are one of those who are able to tolerate the initial higher currents...Good luck for next Thursday
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 11, 2017, 12:23:27 AM
....don't forget to cover the ointment with saran wrap...If you can see the colour of your skin through the ointment...you haven't got enough on...if you don't cover the area with ointment on it, the ointment will evaporate, it is still going to hurt even with the ointment and don't be surprised if you really hate it.
...Good luck for next Thursday
Hi Miss Liz, The Ointment Queen,
So let me get this straight. If I can get me some EMLA or 5% lidocaine ointment, I am to slather it on my face enough to hide in it, wrap it with saran wrap 30 - 60 minutes before my appointment then drive to my appointment? Sounds awfully messy to me. Did I get it right?
On top of that I'm to drown myself by drinking water a day and a half not forgetting to wash a couple Ibuprofen, Tylenol, or Advil down and hour before too. I found where aspirin is not recommended.
You know this prep does not do anything to allay my apprehensions? I may have to do a Michelle or a John Wayne and go without a numbing cream. I sent a message off to my doctor asking if I could get some EMLA cream ordered or if he had other ideas or suggestions.
I refrained from inquiring about increasing my HRT. Twice was enough and I see him on the 22nd anyway and will get blood drawn then to check levels.
I guess the important part is that I am starting and will see what it's like come the 18th.
Thanks for the advice Liz
Laurie
Good for you Laurie!
Can't comment on all the follicle fun but I sure remember my first public mani, got nothing but positive comments. Now I don't even think twice about it other than what colour to wear which is a whole other issue.
So no more Mr. Miyagi "polish on, polish off" for you girl! Any slacking and it goes straight on the report card ;) That includes wearing gloves, hands in pockets and clear, matt polish doesn't count ;D
Happy to read of your progress Laurie, gave me a little boost this morning so it's time for a little challenge myself I think:)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Laurie on May 11, 2017, 12:47:46 AM
Hi Miss Liz, The Ointment Queen,
So let me get this straight. If I can get me some EMLA or 5% lidocaine ointment, I am to slather it on my face enough to hide in it, wrap it with saran wrap 30 - 60 minutes before my appointment then drive to my appointment? Sounds awfully messy to me. Did I get it right?
Thanks for the advice Liz
Laurie
Embarrassingly that is exactly what I did minus the saran wrap...didn't work. I did go to my first appointment with half my face covered and wow did I hurt because I didn't have it on long enough or thick enough and over too big an area...As a suggestion Pick a spot to put some Emla cream on maybe the circumference of a cup... put your Emla cream on this area and your Electrologist can then work in the numb area if you are not so happy when she treats an area without the cream...I would do a couple of spots and then you will also know if it is worth the hassle and cost(Emla cream) by the amount of discomfort you have with and without the cream. Laurie I am in the minority and there are really good medical reason why I am sensitive to Electrolysis so the chances are you will tolerate it really well.
Something that really helps me (in addition to Emla, Advil and Tylenol) is to bring music with headphones. I need something that I can really get my head into. So far, Bach, BB King and Jimi Hendrix have worked well for me. If I get really into the music, the zaps on my face feel like they are happening in another room, and that's good.
You can get a good 5% lidocaine cream from Amazon. I am using this one. If i leave it on for 90 minutes covered with saran wrap the numbing will last a bit over an hour.
Amazon delivers it in 2 days.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B019D7MQMK/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o07_s01?ie=UTF8&th=1 (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B019D7MQMK/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o07_s01?ie=UTF8&th=1)
Hey Laurie, I just want to congratulate and support you in your embrace of your transition. Just compare the ease with which you reported these past few outings to your agony posts of a few weeks ago. You're doing great! Love Randy
Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
Quote from: Laurie on May 10, 2017, 08:42:45 PM
Breaking News!
Facial torture starts on the 18th of May 2017! That's only a week from tomorrow.
And so it begins. Welcome to the club sweetie. Happy to have you along! Misery loves company
If anyone tells you it hurts, they're lying. It hurts like hell. :laugh: :laugh:
Quote from: Shy on May 11, 2017, 03:10:49 AM
Good for you Laurie!
I sure remember my first public mani, got nothing but positive comments. Now I don't even think twice about it other than what colour to wear which is a whole other issue.
So no more Mr. Miyagi "polish on, polish off" for you girl! Any slacking and it goes straight on the report card ;) That includes wearing gloves, hands in pockets and clear, matt polish doesn't count ;D
Happy to read of your progress Laurie, gave me a little boost this morning so it's time for a little challenge myself I think:)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Morning Sadie,
I can assure you a manicure and possibly a pedicure are on my to do list. My nails are still a sheer pink (Kleencolor #64) I left it on for my 2 1/2 mile walk around the neighborhood yesterday too. No no gloves, walking with hands in pockets is a pain so that's was a No too. I did not try to hide them but I don't think anyone noticed.
Hugs,
Laurie
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FNBv4KHz.jpg&hash=cc07ca4d8613a9dffae2ce3f31ac339064f2ff3e)
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 11, 2017, 03:46:17 AM
Embarrassingly that is exactly what I did minus the saran wrap...didn't work. I did go to my first appointment with half my face covered and wow did I hurt because I didn't have it on long enough or thick enough and over too big an area...As a suggestion Pick a spot to put some Emla cream on maybe the circumference of a cup... put your Emla cream on this area and your Electrologist can then work in the numb area if you are not so happy when she treats an area without the cream...I would do a couple of spots and then you will also know if it is worth the hassle and cost(Emla cream) by the amount of discomfort you have with and without the cream. Laurie I am in the minority and there are really good medical reason why I am sensitive to Electrolysis so the chances are you will tolerate it really well.
Miss Liz,
Thanks are in order once again for your tips. I sent a message to my doctor asking about EMLA and/or his suggestions. I should get an answer fairly soon. I will surely try a non treated area to experience the real feel. I believe I do pretty good with pain and have a high tolerance but I could be wrong. I'll be finding out next Thursday.
Thank you Ointment Queen,
Hugs,
Truck
Quote from: KathyLauren on May 11, 2017, 06:30:50 AM
Something that really helps me (in addition to Emla, Advil and Tylenol) is to bring music with headphones. I need something that I can really get my head into. So far, Bach, BB King and Jimi Hendrix have worked well for me. If I get really into the music, the zaps on my face feel like they are happening in another room, and that's good.
Thank you Kathy,
I will bring my mp3 player with my audio book on it in with me and see if it helps. Can I suggest some Beethoven or Tchaikovsky? Two that I enjoy listening to when I'm in the mood for classical music. Bach and Hendrix are good to but the Doors , Who, or Cream might be my choices too.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Charley on May 11, 2017, 07:35:13 AM
You can get a good 5% lidocaine cream from Amazon. I am using this one. If i leave it on for 90 minutes covered with saran wrap the numbing will last a bit over an hour. Amazon delivers it in 2 days.
Hi Charley
Thank you for the suggestion, I will certainly keep that in mind. At the moment I'm waiting for an answer from my doctor on EMLA cream or another suggestion from him.
Hugs,
Laurie
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FNBv4KHz.jpg&hash=cc07ca4d8613a9dffae2ce3f31ac339064f2ff3e)
Dangit, I gotta pay for nails that look like that! Nice manicure, Laurie!
Quote from: RandyL on May 11, 2017, 09:23:29 AM
Hey Laurie, I just want to congratulate and support you in your embrace of your transition. Just compare the ease with which you reported these past few outings to your agony posts of a few weeks ago. You're doing great! Love Randy
Hi Randy,
Funny you should say that... It hasn't been all that easy, easier yes but... Just yesterday evening after talking to the electrologist I was starting to get that overwhelmed feeling again. I was feeling too many things too fast. If I let myself think about all I am now doing and what is in the works.. OMG! Yes, I am starting to think I can soon be going out without changing to appointments, checking the mail, or even for walks... I'm wanting more hrt meds. I now have electrolysis beginning and am waiting for a speech therapist to call and discus voice training. My gender therapy. And then there is manicures, makeovers, wig shopping going round and round in my head...
Too much, too fast... Laurie, just stop it, just do it.
Then there are periodic visit from them pesky squirrels to throw a monkey wrench into things.
Thanks again Randy but sometimes I'm no so sure I'm doing all that well.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: jentay1367 on May 11, 2017, 09:41:57 AM
And so it begins. Welcome to the club sweetie. Happy to have you along! Misery loves company
If anyone tells you it hurts, they're lying. It hurts like hell. :laugh: :laugh:
Hi Jen,
It's nice to see you commenting around here again. I've missed you. btw I miss your pretty avatar too, Not sure what this avatar is all about but I'm sure you have your reasons.
I like your comment. No sugar coating from you, Ugh ugh you tell it like it is a little bluntly perhaps but but echoing what others have been saying with a little sweetener to keep from scaring me away. LOL
Thank you Jen,
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: jentay1367 on May 11, 2017, 12:16:19 PM
Dangit, I gotta pay for nails that look like that! Nice manicure, Laurie!
Thank you Jen,
I assure you I've had years and years of practice with nail files and polish during my crossdressing days. I'm still going to go have it done by a professional someday. It's on the list...
Hugs,
Laurie
You have beautiful nails Laurie, love the colour too. I'll be running out of gold stars for your report card soon ;D Again you get an A++ with a liberal dose of nail envy. You got the mani nailed.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Laurie on May 11, 2017, 12:35:13 PM
Thank you Jen,
I assure you I've had years and years of practice with nail files and polish during my crossdressing days. I'm still going to go have it done by a professional someday. It's on the list...
Hugs,
Laurie
Sometimes, you don't need a professional . Why pay for something you can do better than them ;)
Laurie, for your electrolysis session you can get a 4% lidocaine cream over the counter. Aspercreme makes a lidocaine cream carried in most chain pharmacies. There are also store brands, such as CVS "Pain Relief Cream" that are cheap and work OK.
Put on a good coat ONLY on the small area to be worked on, and cover with a bit of plastic wrap to make an 'occlusive bandage'. That keeps it from drying out and gives it time to work. Apply about an hour before your appointment. Don't try to numb your entire beard. Too much would be absorbed through your skin and the stuff is toxic in higher dosages.
Thank you Sadie and Jen. Why have a manicure and/or pedicure? I've never had one and hear it is nice to be pampered a little once in awhile. There is also the need for repetitious exposure to public setting that I need to be comfortable beyond the confines of my apartment.
Michelle,
Thank you also. Non prescription pain relief creams have been mentioned and I have tried some for other purposes in the past. I wasn't impressed but of course I've never tried them for this purpose. Your cautions and tips are appreciated. Perhaps they will not be needed at all. I thought it prudent to seek my doctors opinion and requested EMLA cream if he thought it okay.
Hugs,
Laurie
If you do decide to get EMLA, Laurie, you can get the stuff cheap on ebay. A small tube is 45 to 50 bucks by prescription. Get it on ebay for 8 bucks a tube...same stuff. I know from direct experience.
Quote from: jentay1367 on May 11, 2017, 01:51:47 PM
If you do decide to get EMLA, Laurie, you can get the stuff cheap on ebay. A small tube is 45 to 50 bucks by prescription. Get it on ebay for 8 bucks a tube...same stuff. I know from direct experience.
I'm trying to obtain it from the VA my cost should be $5, &, or $11. I have a personal distrust of ebay. I just do not like the concept of it and the lack of verification that what you buy is what you get. I just do not trust people in general.
But I do thank you Jen for the info.
Hugs,
Laurie
wish my nails would grow like that, work kills them. Still getting a gloss coat next week
Quote from: davina61 on May 11, 2017, 03:09:19 PM
wish my nails would grow like that, work kills them. Still getting a gloss coat next week
Thanks Davina,
My nails grow like bad weeds. If I break or cut them the are a decent length again in 3 weeks or so.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 11, 2017, 12:26:20 PM
Hi Randy,
Funny you should say that... It hasn't been all that easy, easier yes but... Just yesterday evening after talking to the electrologist I was starting to get that overwhelmed feeling again. I was feeling too many things too fast. If I let myself think about all I am now doing and what is in the works.. OMG! Yes, I am starting to think I can soon be going out without changing to appointments, checking the mail, or even for walks... I'm wanting more hrt meds. I now have electrolysis beginning and am waiting for a speech therapist to call and discus voice training. My gender therapy. And then there is manicures, makeovers, wig shopping going round and round in my head...
Too much, too fast... Laurie, just stop it, just do it.
Then there are periodic visit from them pesky squirrels to throw a monkey wrench into things.
Thanks again Randy but sometimes I'm no so sure I'm doing all that well.
Hugs,
Laurie
In Some of my earlier post and more recently I have made the suggestion of a "Transition Vacation"...just step off the merry go round for a couple of turns and give yourself the chance to breathe...I did this on several occasions over the last 2 years and especially when it all began to seem overwhelming...recharge the batteries and then away you go...No appointments, no phone calls, no online reading about trans stuff....nothing for a day or two....Transition Vacation, does your soul the world of good. :D :D
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 11, 2017, 06:06:32 PM
..nothing for a day or two....Transition Vacation, does your soul the world of good. :D :D
Hi Ointment Queen,
That is in the works. I need to get through at least this month when all my medical appointment are scheduled. If I can I am thinking I might be able to take my Maine road trip next month or if I can't then I'll try for June. I should have 2 months before my next cycle of appointments. Electrolysis and therapy can be put off.
I won't be just 2 or 3 days though more like 3 or 4 weeks perhaps longer if I'm inclined. I'll check in some but I do not think it will be regular at all. I may even entertain a couple visit with friends from Susan's if they want and it fits in with my loose scheduling. Even Colorado Springs could be a temporary destination as my route is not and will not be set in stone. I travel where the wind blows as long as it is blowing in the general direction I intend to go. Missouri is a given as I would be in deep doo doo if I bypassed my friends there near Springfield. I may head up to the U.P. of Michigan to visit a cousin I rarely see but have a strange connection with. Altoona, Pa is also a likely stop somewhere in the trip to see my sister's daughter (the sister I live with) and her son I have yet to meet.
I intend to get to Maine this trip to complete my goal of having been in all 50 states and Puerto Rico.
From there I have no real idea where I will head. Perhaps I'll deliver a Maine lobster to a friend in Florida by driving down the eastern sea board.
So yes Liz, a short trans vacation is in the works.
Hugs,
Laurie
Let me know when you are on the way and I'll stoke up the barbie...put a few drinks in the esky, make sure there are thongs for everyone and ensure the blow up bed has all the leaks fixed. Might even make you a pav for afters...How does that sound? We would have to have the obligatory game of backyard cricket with a wheelie bin for wickets...I am pretty sure I can arrange that....
Whatdayarekon?
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 11, 2017, 07:10:21 PM
Let me know when you are on the way and I'll stoke up the barbie...put a few drinks in the esky, make sure there are thongs for everyone and ensure the blow up bed has all the leaks fixed. Might even make you a pav for afters...How does that sound? We would have to have the obligatory game of backyard cricket with a wheelie bin for wickets...I am pretty sure I can arrange that....
Whatdayarekon?
That's Aussie lingo isn't it? LOL
Laurie
If you get to Maine and feel like driving a bit more, drop in here. :)
QuoteLet me know when you are on the way and I'll stoke up the barbie...put a few drinks in the esky, make sure there are thongs for everyone and ensure the blow up bed has all the leaks fixed. Might even make you a pav for afters...How does that sound? We would have to have the obligatory game of backyard cricket with a wheelie bin for wickets...I am pretty sure I can arrange that....
Whatdayarekon?
Quote from: Laurie on May 11, 2017, 07:25:28 PM
That's Aussie lingo isn't it? LOL
Laurie
How blessed are we to make friends like this at this point in our lives? You can't make this stuff up. Life is good for us.
Quote from: KathyLauren on May 11, 2017, 07:29:05 PM
If you get to Maine and feel like driving a bit more, drop in here. :)
Aren't passports required to enter Canada now? Never had one. btw what part are you in? I've taken the Detroit / Niagara short cut several times I think one time from the Vermont or new Hampshire area too.
Laura
Quote from: jentay1367 on May 11, 2017, 07:45:50 PM
How blessed are we to make friends like this at this point in our lives? You can't make this stuff up. Life is good for us.
Yes, Jen we are. You're in Calif if I remember right? I know Michelle is but I'm not heading out that way this time as far as I know.
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 11, 2017, 08:57:04 PM
Aren't passports required to enter Canada now? Never had one. btw what part are you in? I've taken the Detroit / Niagara short cut several times I think one time from the Vermont or new Hampshire area too.
Laura
Ok, one of the bedrock requirements of my life is to always have a valid passport. You never know when you might have to flee. Or more realistically, one might want to visit friends... Kathy's just a bit east of Maine, if you can wrap your head around that concept.
Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
Quote from: RandyL on May 12, 2017, 12:24:57 AM
Ok, one of the bedrock requirements of my life is to always have a valid passport. You never know when you might have to flee. Or more realistically, one might want to visit friends... Kathy's just a bit east of Maine, if you can wrap your head around that concept.
Hi Randy,
Is that all you have to say? Nothing more about my road trip post? (scratching Colorado Springs off the possible stop list) Oh well.
Kathy is a fish??? Is that what you are telling me Randy? Oh that's right, there is a little land east of Maine. Looks like a little town called New Brunswick. I suppose she could also be in that other little town Nova Scotia. I never had a need for a passport. My world travels were courtesy of Uncle Sam on a gray floating hotel and when I made my trip through Canada and forays into Mexico, an American driver's license was good enough. Since those days I have sworn off international travel and therefore have no need for a passport. I have also sworn of flying again forever since it has become such a hassle and the airlines started nickle and dimeing travelers to death many dollars at a time. No thank you I'll drive.
So, no, I do not have a passport. I could not see a need for one as I never planned to leave the USA again.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 11, 2017, 07:25:28 PM
That's Aussie lingo isn't it? LOL
Laurie
Just a little... If you do decide to bring your Lear Jet for a spin include Adelaide in the stop over list...I'll even treat you to a makeover ;)
Liz
Quote from: Laurie on May 12, 2017, 12:49:55 AMI suppose she could also be in that other little town Nova Scotia.
Yup, I live in that other little town. I guess you do need a passport to visit here unless you have one of those frequent border-crosser cards which you probably wouldn't have. Too bad, as it is only a 5.5 hour ferry ride and 3.5 hour drive from Portland to here.
Quote from: KathyLauren on May 12, 2017, 07:01:52 AM
Yup, I live in that other little town. I guess you do need a passport to visit here unless you have one of those frequent border-crosser cards which you probably wouldn't have. Too bad, as it is only a 5.5 hour ferry ride and 3.5 hour drive from Portland to here.
A 5.5 hour boat ride !?? I may need to get a passport after all...
Laurie
Laurie, Laurie, Laurie! So much to catch up on. Amazing work going en femme to your therapy appointment and scheduling your electrolysis! So many steps. I can sympathize that you feel like you are overbooked--I am coming off a week of 2 hours of electro at odd times and my first therapy and I feel like I've done nothing but rush from one appointment to another! (Therapy went super well, by the way--was going for his gender expertise and figured I'd take what I got in terms of whether our personalities and ways of thinking were really compatible; but it turns out that we also get along and understand each other better than any therapist I have had before! He also complimented my voice, which is like the key to my heart these days.)
And don't even get me started on your nails--they are amazing! I have got to pick up some of that polish. And you do such a lovely job with them. Mine are a total mess right now. Maybe on your way to Maine you can stop in NJ to show me how it's done! Also, don't know when you are going, but I will be in Maine in July, we could PM about details but needless to say I would LOVE to grab a bite and chat if it works out!
I'm not sure what kind of electrolysis you are getting, but I am having the blend and I use no advil or numbing creams. Pain is very manageable. My understanding is that the blend uses lower voltage than thermolysis or galvanic alone. Face is red for 1-2 hrs after and then fine. My electrologist, also an RN, says my skin is very sensitive so she skips around a lot to keep one area from getting banged up too badly. I believe Dena also had the blend and did not use pain meds or creams. Could be worth calling your electrologist back to see what method she uses and the pain management she recommends.
So proud of you! And if the squirrels come out in force, nothing wrong with taking some time to let things settle down. You know the girls here at Susan's will be here to give you a nudge out the door when you're feeling ready again!
Big hugs! :-*
Quote from: p on May 12, 2017, 11:37:49 AM
Laurie, Laurie, Laurie! So much to catch up on. Amazing work going en femme to your therapy appointment and scheduling your electrolysis! So many steps. I can sympathize that you feel like you are overbooked--I am coming off a week of 2 hours of electro at odd times and my first therapy and I feel like I've done nothing but rush from one appointment to another! (Therapy went super well, by the way--was going for his gender expertise and figured I'd take what I got in terms of whether our personalities and ways of thinking were really compatible; but it turns out that we also get along and understand each other better than any therapist I have had before! He also complimented my voice, which is like the key to my heart these days.)
And don't even get me started on your nails--they are amazing! I have got to pick up some of that polish. And you do such a lovely job with them. Mine are a total mess right now. Maybe on your way to Maine you can stop in NJ to show me how it's done! Also, don't know when you are going, but I will be in Maine in July, we could PM about details but needless to say I would LOVE to grab a bite and chat if it works out!
I'm not sure what kind of electrolysis you are getting, but I am having the blend and I use no advil or numbing creams. Pain is very manageable. My understanding is that the blend uses lower voltage than thermolysis or galvanic alone. Face is red for 1-2 hrs after and then fine. My electrologist, also an RN, says my skin is very sensitive so she skips around a lot to keep one area from getting banged up too badly. I believe Dena also had the blend and did not use pain meds or creams. Could be worth calling your electrologist back to see what method she uses and the pain management she recommends.
So proud of you! And if the squirrels come out in force, nothing wrong with taking some time to let things settle down. You know the girls here at Susan's will be here to give you a nudge out the door when you're feeling ready again!
Big hugs! :-*
Hi p
Good to see you checking in again. I guess some people actually have a life beyond their computer desk. I'm seem to live at the keyboard. It sounds like you have been very busy and I'm glad to hear you can work with this therapist. And do work "with" him please. Use him as a sounding board, use him as a confidant, use him as a friend. Therapists cannot help us if they don't know what's going on inside our heads.
Gee you covered almost everything I've reported recently.... you must be taking notes. I am convinced you are my biggest fan though I can't understand why I deserve the attention. You did leave out where I mentioned my therapist is referring me to a speech therapist for continuing education. You mention your therapist complimented you on your voice... are you in training too or a graduate?
I did discuss methods of electrology she uses and the answer was she doe both types and blended using which ever works for the client. I have tried asking my doctor for EMLA creme but the verdict hasn't come in, if it doesn't I will get some of the 5% lidocaine over the counter and I will have her try an area that hasn't been numbed to see if I can do without. I'm trying to cover all the bases and will be well hydrated whit a couple advil or tylenol in me when I go Thursday.
Going en femme to my therapy session was almost an accident. I'm still not sure how it happened but I ran out of time for changing back and washing my face, so I had to go as I was. I found out my apartment manager saw me sneaking out or back in and complimented me on my appearance when I spoke to her the next day. I'm sure she didn't get a good look but a compliment is a compliment, right? ;D ;D
New jersey hug? I live for a year in Lindenwold back in the 70s and attended quite a few computer classes in the company training facility in Dayton near North Brunswick off of hwy 130. I am hoping to get on the road early next month but that can change. A rendezvous might be arranged as I would like to meet some of the folks IRL that I have met here.
MY nails? LOL I've never like my nails short and have always preferred a nail file over clippers or at least after clipping. My nails have always been the envy of girls and women I have known. (now none of those ever go to see them polished) I have had years of polish application practice and that is all there is to doing a good job. practice at shaping with a file and practice applying polish. My nails grow fast and I would clip them before having to be around doctors offices or groups of guys so they wouldn't be noticed . Then in 3 weeks or so they were long enough to shape again.
I came out to my 1 year older uncle over the phone last night and by doing so my aunt will know also. He said he didn't care and supports me with whatever makes me happy. So there are 2 more crossed off my to do list. My nephew's (sister I live with son) wife came over to visit this morning for the day. She was informed about me already and now has seen me dressed as I prefer. I decided i wasn't going to hide in my home. We did some girl talk and I showed her some of my dresses, she's young so doesn't have a problem with gender types.
Well p that's your update on me for now. Keep up on your own progress as you are doing a good job at it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hey Laurie! Congrats on coming out to your uncle! I am so glad that he is supportive :)
I missed your post about your voice therapy! Let me know how it goes--I would be interested in trying it, but I can't see how I would fit it into my budget or schedule at the moment. The therapist was complimenting pretty much my natural voice--I think he's picking up more on the way that I talk (prosody, diction). Let us know what you learn--I'm always trying to polish my voice!
If you decide to make an NJ pit stop, definitely get in touch!
Back to your world tour, if you make it to the UK on your way to Oz stop by for a curry.
<humbly> I'm so glad to hear your road trip plans shaping up. I hope we can maneuver Colorado Springs back on your list :) We do have spare bedrooms and the whole 9 yards. It's a long way to East of Maine, so you need to rest on the way.</humility>
We've been traveling this weekend. Had to use my passport to get into The Republic of Boulder. Fortunately The Kingdom of Breckenridge doesn't require passports, although they encourage ski passes.
I can't keep up with the volume of messages, much less remember what it was I was replying to, and what I meant to say. Must be the excess T in my system lol. This particular reply has been in progress since this morning. I only get time to look at the site when I'm on the toilet. Sorry, tmi :)
Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Quote from: RandyL on May 13, 2017, 10:06:15 PM
<humbly> I'm so glad to hear your road trip plans shaping up. I hope we can maneuver Colorado Springs back on your list :) We do have spare bedrooms and the whole 9 yards. It's a long way to East of Maine, so you need to rest on the way.</humility>
Well hello again Randy, good to see you again.
I really don't know what to think about this toilet time communications. Personally I think it is better utilized as a library. So you want me to consider putting Colorado Spring back into the tentative itinerary do you? Even trying to bribe me with accommodations, huh? The possibility of it happening just went up. I'll have to check my calendar.
It looks like you got around a bit for homebodies. I can say I haven't been to Breckenridge as it's not on the way to anywhere and I don't think I've ever been through Boulder either. I go in and out of the Denver area by way of I-70 and I-25 (to/from I-80) and usually hit at night going both directions. I can say Denver has some spectacular sights at night as long as you love lightning and thunder storms.. I swear I had lightening right about my pickup a couple times there and thunder louder than I've ever heard it at the same time. Impressive!! and concerning at the same time.
No promises now Randy, I might know more by the time I'm in the Denver area if I go that-a-way.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie,
Don't you threaten coming to Maryland, or I will have to go on vacation to somewhere.
Moni
Money oops I meant Moni, sorry
Maryland? Maryland! There is such a place? OHHHH! That's where it is. (had to google it) Maryland is sooo small a person could easily miss it in the dark. It would take a little effort to miss it if I decide to make a run down the eastern seaboard though. I guess you better prepare a quick getaway bag just in case.
Hugs,
Laurie
*Sighs* I still can't get a passport :( I think I need to start a new thread on this topic cos it's kinda really messing with my (and my partners) life on a basic level...
Quote from: Nooms on May 14, 2017, 10:57:49 AM
*Sighs* I still can't get a passport :( I think I need to start a new thread on this topic cos it's kinda really messing with my (and my partners) life on a basic level...
Nooms,
I've never needed a passport so I have no idea what getting one entails beyond filling out a form, supplying a picture, send those in with some amount for payment and waiting a long time.
I'm beginning to think I might (ugh) want one someday and may find out...
Sorry you are having trouble obtaining one for yourself.
Hugs,
Laurie
I expect it's all about the birth certificate. That begins to be a problem for trans folk. I'll be traveling in male mode this year, so I'm OK for now. Our son lives in Singapore. Have to go see our kids now, don't we?
Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Quote from: RandyL on May 14, 2017, 11:32:02 AM
I expect it's all about the birth certificate. That begins to be a problem for trans folk. I'll be traveling in male mode this year, so I'm OK for now. Our son lives in Singapore. Have to go see our kids now, don't we?
Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
I have one of those around here somewhere... I have bought two of them over the years, Now where did I put that piece of paper...
Laurie
Lorrie,
You left that paper in Maryland, you know that 'Island' I live on that is 'too small to find.' I actually find it hard to believe you were born. I believe you have been around since the dawn of time, harassing poor innocent people such as myself. Oh my, I am getting 'the vapors' just thinking about your evil deeds.
Nooms, have you checked for previous threads about passports, maybe under 'legal.'
Moni (Leave it alone, leave it! I'm tellin you, Lorry)
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 14, 2017, 12:19:21 PM
Lorrie,
You left that paper in Maryland, you know that 'Island' I live on that is 'too small to find.' I actually find it hard to believe you were born. I believe you have been around since the dawn of time, harassing poor innocent people such as myself. Oh my, I am getting 'the vapors' just thinking about your evil deeds.
Nooms, have you checked for previous threads about passports, maybe under 'legal.'
Moni (Leave it alone, leave it! I'm tellin you, Lorry)
**sigh** Truck here,
Okay okay so my old age is showing and I mixed up the Moaner with Kathy, I'm really sorry about that Kathy. That shouldn't happen even to a foreigner.
Nooms, I HATE to agree with her but those suggestions might help.
Moonie, I doubt my paper was left in Maryland because I got them while living here and I haven't passed through there in a long, long time. (I can't for the life of me think of why anyone would want to stop there) I know at least one of my birth certificates is in this room somewhere. I think your telling me they are in Maryland is a thinly veiled ploy to get me to come look.
Though I have been around a while I don't harass everyone I meet and you my dear, are far from innocent.
Hugs,
Laurie ( not a truck )
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 14, 2017, 12:19:21 PM
Nooms, have you checked for previous threads about passports, maybe under 'legal.'
The problem is we dont have a birth record, so no certificate. 🙁
Quote from: Nooms on May 14, 2017, 02:08:31 PM
The problem is we dont have a birth record, so no certificate. 🙁
I can see where that could be problematic. You were born were you not? there should be a record of that somewhere.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 14, 2017, 02:26:26 PM
I can see where that could be problematic. You were born were you not? there should be a record of that somewhere.
Hugs,
Laurie
Unfortunately not :( We were born within the travelling community back in the 70's and back then it was not uncommon for families to avoid registering their children to prevent the social services from removing them and placing them into care, apparently the travelling life is not suitable for children. It is still done to this day, especially with some of the more traditional gypsy families.
xxx
Nooms
Quote from: Nooms on May 14, 2017, 07:10:35 PM
Unfortunately not :( We were born within the travelling community back in the 70's and back then it was not uncommon for families to avoid registering their children to prevent the social services from removing them and placing them into care, apparently the travelling life is not suitable for children. It is still done to this day, especially with some of the more traditional gypsy families.
xxx
Nooms
That is interesting Nooms. That situation did cross my mind but you hear of it so little I discounted it. I imaginge there are other situations that I am not aware of also. You are the first person that I have encountered with such a background. I think it is kind of cool. Okay, okay, I was half expecting you to tell me you were not of this earth and that would have been really cool too. I have always wanted to meet an alien from space...Oh I guess I never mentioned I have been a sci-fi / fantasy reader since my early teens?
What does one do to resolve a problem such as yours?
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 14, 2017, 07:25:15 PM
What does one do to resolve a problem such as yours?
Hope, pray and imagine that things will eventually work out. I am always looking for that guardian angel who will help us on our way I guess.
Joking aside, we were lucky enough to get issued with social security numbers (national insurance) and are NHS registered. The British gov have accepted us a British by doing this but they still wont issue us with either a passport or driving license, go figure lol.
Sorry for the delay Noobs,
I went and cooked supper. Somebody had to do it and my sister isn't feeling good today. So you are now British be with no privileges? That's dumb. Anything more you can do to convince them otherwise?
btw Supper was shrimp with asparagus and pasta. It came out pretty good if I do say so myself.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FclhW6EG.jpg&hash=2eb98e4e0c515626bf84d6f586d0a822d165511b) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FsREfQv5.jpg&hash=efd9a238d0680393539b15269e455b72bef1e5c4)
Dang....now I'm hungry. You can cook too? Jeesh!
Quote from: jentay1367 on May 14, 2017, 10:15:10 PM
Dang....now I'm hungry. You can cook too? Jeesh!
Hi Lisa,
Yes, I learned cooking, do laundry, basic needle and thread sewing, dish washing etc along with my sisters. The cooking is what stuck with me the most. Around here I mostly cook breakfast but do cook evening meals occasionally.
I took care of my 4 grand kids for 5 weeks when the 5th and mommy were at the hospital being tended to. In that time I taught the youngest two several breakfasts, and the older boy learned how to cook chicken Panamanian and help me with shrimp scampi with linguini. The older granddaughter was my go to sous chef for Alfredo sauce. I enlisted all the kids aid in making meals while I was there. My daughter even commented that they got more kitchen time while I was there than they usually do. The younger grandson and granddaughter are still cooking more breakfasts for themselves than they have cereal.
I enjoyed that time with them quite a lot.
Hugs,
Laurie
Awesome for you and your family. Based on that picture, it looks like your quite accomplished! I play in the kitchen too but don't have your skill set. You appear to be a bit of the Renaissance Woman. Lucky for your clan! Take care, Hon!
Quote from: jentay1367 on May 14, 2017, 10:57:08 PM
Awesome for you and your family. Based on that picture, it looks like your quite accomplished! I play in the kitchen too but don't have your skill set. You appear to be a bit of the Renaissance Woman. Lucky for your clan! Take care, Hon!
Thank you Lisa,
Tonight's shrimp with asparagus and pasta was surprisingly easy to cook. It only took about an hour with the prep. You know shelling the shrimp, cutting the asparagus, smashing and chopping the garlic, grating some cheese, and dicing the onion. The rest was simple and took about 30 minutes. Cooking cheat: if you make the plate look nice people think you're a good cook.
I have cooked breakfast for friends I've visited with and they tell me it's good.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Nooms on May 14, 2017, 07:58:57 PM
Joking aside, we were lucky enough to get issued with social security numbers (national insurance) and are NHS registered. The British gov have accepted us a British by doing this but they still wont issue us with either a passport or driving license, go figure lol.
In the US, birth records are traditionally kept at the county courthouse. These burn down and records are lost in other ways. Our daughter was born at home, no officials present. We got her a birth certificate by going to the county clerk, proving our residency (with a utility bill) and filling out the forms
There must be a method...good luck. Randy
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Well tomorrow is glow in the dark day again. My regular 3-4 month CT scan is scheduled for 9am with IV insertion and lab draws before it so I need to be there by 8am. I had my oncology meeting scheduled for noon to allow for the results to be ready. But my oncologist contacted me yesterday to ask if I could see her later in the day. So I will see her after my torn retina repair job follow up appointment which is at 3pm. That means I'll have to wait all day for my oncology meeting to find out if my cancer has return yet again or not.
Tonight I cooked shrimp with asparagus and pasta for my sister and I as she hasn't been feeling god this weekend. I posted pictures above. It was pretty easy to cook and tasted good. I only improvised a little from the recipe because I didn't have seafood seasoning. I used a little Johnny's seasoned salt instead and added about half an onion chopped fine along with the garlic.
Went to the store today and bought witch hazel and 4% lidocaine cream in prep for my first electrolysis session. I could not find aloe gel so I'll research it a bit online so I know what I am looking for. My doctor said he would send out some EMLA creme but I'm not sure it will get here before the appointment.
My newest granddaughter has been in the hospital for 3 days now after the shunt for fluids in her head had to be replace due to a malfunction. Mom of course has had to be there with her. She is having problems post surgery for issue of oxygen desaturation while she sleeps it got down to 54% once so they are keeping her still to see if it resolves itself or else they may have to send her home with oxygen for sleeping. She is fine during awake hours.
I've offered my services twice but they says things are under control and have some friends helping with the other 4 kids. I did get a I love you response from my daughter today when I told her I loved her. I thanked her for saying it. Today was the most conversation I've had with her since my coming out to her at the end of March. Most of what I related about my granddaughter I got from her facebook updates. I would be up there taking care of the kids so dad could work and be with mom and baby if I could. It would be a bit awkward at first now but I would be there.
As Porky Pig would say, "Ble, ble, ble, that's all folks!"
Hugs,
Laurie
Good luck with your tests and it will make for a long day waiting I am sure. You have plenty to look forward too and some great things to stay positive about...I hope they are all clear for you.I hope your granddaughter is Ok as well and the shunt goes without complications. What a great outcome with your daughter at least the door is open now to build that relationship. It may take awhile but I am sure you will succeed :D
Liz
Thanks Liz.
We shall see what the morrow brings.
Hugs,
Laurie
Good luck for today Laurie, I hope it all goes well for you and your granddaughter.
I think you should set up the worlds first trans cooking show ;D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Good luck for tomorrow Laurie sending you a big hug. Sara
Thank you Sadie and Sara, it looks like it's going to be a long day. I've been spending the night in the ER keeping my sister company while they try to figure out what is causing her back to hurt when she moves at all. No sleep tonight.
Hugs,
Laurie
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Quote from: Laurie on May 15, 2017, 06:24:28 AM
Thank you Sadie and Sara, it looks like it's going to be a long day. I've been spending the night in the ER keeping my sister company while they try to figure out what is causing her back to hurt when she moves at all. No sleep tonight.
Hugs,
Laurie
Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk
I hope you do get some rest tonight you have a big day ahead of you...take care
Hugs
Liz
Thank you Liz,
We just got home, plenty of time for coffee and a shower. I have about 2 hours before I should be there. Might get a nap in between if I'm lucky now that my oncologist moved the appointment to 3:30pm but I do need to got fill a prescription for my sister when I return from this morning's appointments.
*yawn*
Hugs,
Laurie
I hope that your appointments go well today!
As for your recipe, it looks amazing! I agree about the importance of plating and color balance. As they say, you eat with your eyes first. I'm obsessed with pasta--I make my own with a little hand-cranked roller & cutter. It is surprisingly easy to do (the recipe I use is just all-purpose flour and eggs), and rolling out the dough is so much fun! I have always loved to cook and am constantly looking for recipes. Maybe we should start a Food forum?!
Thinking of you, Laurie. Big, glowing hugs!, P
Big positive energy for negative results, Laurie. My hearts with you, Girl! Lisa
Quote from: Nooms on May 14, 2017, 07:10:35 PM
Unfortunately not :( We were born within the travelling community back in the 70's and back then it was not uncommon for families to avoid registering their children to prevent the social services from removing them and placing them into care, apparently the travelling life is not suitable for children. It is still done to this day, especially with some of the more traditional gypsy families.
xxx
Nooms
I don't know about the procedure in the UK (I'm guessing you're in the UK or maybe Ireland, based on the term "Travellers".)
There are people in the USA who have no official birth record anywhere. If you're born outside of a hospital, and the people who were there never registered your birth, you won't have one. I found a description of the procedure for the USA: https://passportinfo.com/us-passport-without-birth-certificate/ I'm guessing there's something similar in the UK, but a brief search didn't find anything. My guess is that there are soliciters who specialize in this kind of thing, though.
Some ultra-religious communities in the USA don't believe in official birth records. I read of a case of an escapee from a fundamentalist family who couldn't get a driver's license or anything because she had no birth certificate and her family kept whatever records they might have had from her. She effectively didn't exist.
The UK has (or had) the additional problem that not all UK citizens have the right to reside in the UK. If you weren't born there and can't prove that your parents (or grandparents?) were, you don't have the little sentence that allows you to reside there. IIRC, it's because when the British Empire broke up, some of the subject people chose UK citizenship rather than the local citizenship, and the UK later decided they didn't want hordes of people who didn't look like them moving in. Similar motivation to Brexit.
Hi folks,
Yeah it's me again. I'm all done with my medical day that started off just after midnight last night when I called an ambulance for my sister . That trip started the day before with her complaining of not feeling very good and going to her bed in the early afternoon. That is where she remained until when she got up complaining of back pains. She wasn't up for too long and retired to her room again. As it was preparing to go to bed I saw the light on down the hall and investigated, She was up complaining more vigorously about pains in the back but they were now wrapping around to the front. She said she wanted to go see a doctor but wouldn't be able to climb into my pickup. (Ambulance and fire personnel enter the picture and our apartment) So we spent the nigh in the ER and it was decided she had a UTI the had moved to her kidneys. Pain killer and antibiotics administered and home we went.
After coffee and a shower it was my turn to head to the hospital for lab draws, IV insertion, a terrible tasting contrast beverage and the CT scan itself. That done I returned home the left again to fetch my sister's new prescriptions. Returning home I managed to get a 1 3/4 hour nap before heading off to the hospital once again for my eye followup appointment.eye Routine eye tests and eye drops for dilation then down the hall for internal eye pictures and exam by the doc after. Bright lights, distorted vision, etc All good there and they didn't see any progression in my macular degeneration. See you in 6 months.
Finally on to my oncologist appointment. I filled her into the progress I've made with my transition when she asked. this was over half of my appointment with her. I did have a few cancer related questions which she answered and she went over my labs and CT scan results, Everything still looks good and still no sign of the nasty boogeyman called cancer in the scan at all. Still saying I have signs of severe emphysema though and I said I've noticed a bit more of a problem with becoming winded when doing more physical activity. We decided not to pursue it further at this time. So she gives me a hug and says see you in 3 months. I like my oncology visits.
Oh yeah one more thing from this morning. I told the lady that does the IV insertions almost every time I go for a CT about me. I started the conversation by telling her she might be calling me Laurie in the future. She was good about the information and we talk about trans things while she worked. When I was about to leave she called me Laurie (there were two others in the room by then) I told it it was still Leonard for now to which she replied "oh no, I'm starting to call you Laurie right now. Then she said goodbye until next time and called me Laurie again as I'm going through the door into the waiting area. S three times she called me Laurie while I'm presenting male in front of others. It didn't hurt anything but I did feel a bit self conscious about her doing it. She's a sweet older lady about my age, she helps make these visits easier.
Well that's about all there is for today. I'm tired and will likely be crashing early tonight. But first supper! I think it will be leftover shrimp with asparagus and pasta again, There were plenty of leftovers and all I have to do is reheat it. It good enough for tonight.
Hugs,
Laurie
Warning, I am about to be nice. Hold on to your hat, it will be over quickly. I will try to make it as painless as possible.
Laurie,
I am glad that you are exhausted, I mean, I am glad your cancer screening went well and I know you must be exhausted. Also, I hope your sister is okay and not in too much pain. You are pretty awesome taking such good care of her. I suspect you will sleep well tonight.
My pre-op went well. I will know a thumbs up or down when the labs come in.
There, I did it! I was fairly close to almost maybe being nice to you. I'm so tired now. I wonder if there is such a thing as Laurie dysphoria for me. Guess will retire to my "padded room" and get some rest. Oh, I feel so dirty too.
Love,
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 15, 2017, 09:00:56 PM
Warning, I am about to be nice. Hold on to your hat, it will be over quickly. I will try to make it as painless as possible.
Laurie,
I am glad that you are exhausted, I mean, I am glad your cancer screening went well and I know you must be exhausted. Also, I hope your sister is okay and not in too much pain. You are pretty awesome taking such good care of her. I suspect you will sleep well tonight.
My pre-op went well. I will know a thumbs up or down when the labs come in.
There, I did it! I was fairly close to almost maybe being nice to you. I'm so tired now. I wonder if there is such a thing as Laurie dysphoria for me. Guess will retire to my "padded room" and get some rest. Oh, I feel so dirty too.
Love,
Moni
That's it!! I'm not taking any more from you tonight Moni (as in balony) I'm going to lay down and at least take a nap. You've worn me out, taken my last reserves of energy, I'M Done!
btw I am glad your pre you consult went well I pray they approve the surgery quickly and get it done already, Perhaps it will mellow you out and let you become a nice person.
ZZZZZZZ
Laurie
Laurie
See you so often on the Introductions, almost like I know you.
What is the problem with Maryland, I have lived here since about 1968, with some time in the Navy and in Virginia.
If you ever get to the WASH DC area let me know and we can meet.
Hope all your problems clear up.
You joke about being 64 and just starting in all this.
At 66 I am older then most of the younger TS that I know.
I have 2 close friends around that age that are going through it also.
1st is a Prostate cancer survivor, just starting HRT and laser, has come out to work and family with mixed results.
2nd one has been on HRT for a little while, decided to have an Orchi so no more Anti-T. Just had FFS about a month ago, getting her name change. She hasn't decided if or when SRS. She is retired and well off financially, so no problems there. She has very cordial relations with her ex and family.
I have problems with empathy, but try and help them as much as I can. Everyone sees me as some one to look up to, but I hate that. I am just someone that figured it all out fairly early in my life.
Glad to hear things went well for you Laurie, hope your sister bounces back soon. It must be a worry for you.
Rest up girl, we want you fresh as a daisy for that makeover ;D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Georgette on May 16, 2017, 01:20:42 AM
Laurie
See you so often on the Introductions, almost like I know you.
Hi Georgette,
I am on the forums a lot, with special attention to the introductions. I want new folks to feel welcome here and try to put then at ease with a little humor and by sharing a bit of myself with them.
The other part to your statement tells me I am accomplishing another of my goals here. I want people to get to know me. I am not a friendly person IRL, I find it hard to make friends. I am not a social person at all as I keep to myself, just wanting to be left alone. Here online though I try to be more open and friendly sharing myself with all of you in the community. Here I am able to say what I am feeling whether it is my fears or my joys. In many ways it reflects my trans life. IRL I have kept it hidden as much as possible, but that is changing as I take those steps to come out fully. Irl socially I am still in the closet but here I can come out and make friend that may just carry over into real life.
Quote from: Georgette on May 16, 2017, 01:20:42 AM
What is the problem with Maryland, I have lived here since about 1968, with some time in the Navy and in Virginia.
If you ever get to the WASH DC area let me know and we can meet.
LOL I think I have given you an incorrect impression of how I feel about Maryland, sorry. The only problem with Maryland is that that Moni person told me she lives there also. If you missed it Moni and I have an ongoing relationship where we banter with each other about almost everything. We make a playful attempt at saying nothing good about each other. Heaven forbid we start being nice to each other. Maryland was just in the line of fire.
Georgette, if my travels do take me through Maryland I will keep you and Moni both in mind as people to meet.
Quote from: Georgette on May 16, 2017, 01:20:42 AM
Hope all your problems clear up.
You joke about being 64 and just starting in all this.
At 66 I am older then most of the younger TS that I know.
I have 2 close friends around that age that are going through it also.
I assure you George I am very serious about my transition which as you know started at 64. I think it started so late in life due to my own ignorance and denial of being trans. My only regret is not realizing that this is what I needed to do sooner. Because of starting so late I missed out on so many things female. I accept that I will not ever look as I could have looked had I started younger. I feel that is not such a big deal. The important thing is I am doing it now, I am becoming that girl I dreamed of being. Though I am older now, I still feel like that young girl inside regardless of the reflection I see in the mirror. I'm not sure I've joked about starting so late but it doesn't surprise my that I do. Humor is a part of me, it is a coping and social mechanism I use in most of my social interactions. It usually works but sometimes people can't tell if I'm trying to be funny or not and when the get it wrong it bothers me. It happens too often and it tends to hurt my feelings. I always feel it is my fault that they do. IRL it causes me to withdraw into myself more. IRL I am a very insecure person. I put up a good front but it is mostly a sham.
But back to starting transition when older, I applaud those of us that do. It signals a rebirth of sorts. It means we have finally discovered a way to put aside what ever reasons we had that kept us from becoming who we have always wanted to be. I'm a work in progres.
Thank you for posting Georgette, I welcome the intercourse and opportunity to clarify thing for you. At least I hope I have.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 16, 2017, 10:06:06 AM
If you missed it Moni and I have an ongoing relationship where we banter with each other about almost everything. We make a playful attempt at saying nothing good about each other. Heaven forbid we start being nice to each other. Maryland was just in the line of fire.
Oh, I thought you were serious. Joking? Lol
No, your humor generally comes through as such, and we appreciate it. Although I think I missed a joke about Canadian maritime provinces and derailed the conversation :)
Love
Randy
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Quote from: RandyL on May 16, 2017, 10:30:34 AM
No, your humor generally comes through as such, and we appreciate it. Although I think I missed a joke about Canadian maritime provinces and derailed the conversation :)
Love
Randy
Thanks Randy,
I don't think you did.. You can't derail a train that has no tracks or a destination. hmmmm sounds like a train wreck don't it. Yeah?, Well that's me alright. lol
Hugs,
Laurie
tried to wish you well for the hospital visits but internet kept crashing (lots off naughty words and profanities ) . Glad all is ok . Your reply to coming out at 60+ is the same for me. For your sisters infection Cardamoms are good as an antiseptic , found my digestive system works much better on Indian food!!! Want a laugh , painted my nails and kept it on for work and its the double takes and "does not compute " from customers . Made my day but that's my humour, bit like yours, just realised not got anythink out the freezer for tomorrow night,back in a moment.
Quote from: davina61 on May 16, 2017, 03:48:01 PM
tried to wish you well for the hospital visits but internet kept crashing (lots off naughty words and profanities ) . Glad all is ok . Your reply to coming out at 60+ is the same for me. For your sisters infection Cardamoms are good as an antiseptic , found my digestive system works much better on Indian food!!! Want a laugh , painted my nails and kept it on for work and its the double takes and "does not compute " from customers . Made my day but that's my humor, bit like yours, just realized not got any thing out the freezer for tomorrow night,back in a moment.
Hi Davina,
Thank you for the colorful internet words I think your good thoughts for me came through anyway. LOL
I cooked the chicken and onion recipe and served it with the Basmati rice with some of the sauce on top. I liked the taste and I especially liked the texture and taste of the rice. I never had it before and found it similar to wild long grain rice but nuttier. With a bit of the sauce on it, it was pretty good as was the chicken.
I had thought you did the nail polish at work already. I must have miss understood you. It did sound fun for you. I've had at least clear polish on for at least 5 days as I didn't want to remove it. I've been to stores, the doctor, outside to take out trash and check mail, and to both hospital visits my sister's and my own at the VA. I added a coat of sheer pink this morning and will be going to get gas and a store with it on.
We have quite a few contract workers the have been right outside my apartment coming and going as they work on other apartment here. I wonder what goes through their heads as they come and go. I am positive they get glimpses of me in my female attire (usually sans wig) as I am in my kitchen preparing breakfast or doing dishes after and other times during the day. They can't help but see me in there in the morning with the lights on. All they need do is glance through the window. Then of course I could be wrong and they just don't notice at all. Being men though.... LOL
I think we are having ribeye steak tonight that I picked up a few days ago. Nice thick ones. mmmmhmmm mmm
Hugs,
Laurie
That was good half way through my reply computer froze, so again- yes have worn some to work before but first time had to deal with customers today. Glad you enjoyed your meal, looked in freezer and gave up , ready meal for tomorrow but it is a prawn masala . Don't know if anyone has spotted me through my windows but on 3rd floor so higher than surrounding houses and trees in the way as well, goodnight its 11pm here ,yawn.
Glad your tests went well Laurie sorry to read about your sister hope she gets well soon.
Quote from: RandyL on May 16, 2017, 10:30:34 AM
Oh, I thought you were serious. Joking? Lol
No, your humor generally comes through as such, and we appreciate it. Although I think I missed a joke about Canadian maritime provinces and derailed the conversation :)
Love
Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Randy, you mean all the stuff I say about Laurie and her about me, is joking. I thought we were serious too. Oh Gee, I had no idea people thought we were joking. I feel like I just ate my ice cream shake too fast. Oh my head!
Davina, I love the little hints you do like the nails. I love your attitude.
Georgette, I don't think Laurie has her birth certificate or her passport to enter Maryland. I'm counting on her getting stopped at the Delaware border crossing. I won't look up to you if it bothers you. I will listen to your good advice even if you don't like it. :)
Laurie, whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!(said with best valley girl ascent.)
Moni
Seriously Georgette, I thought she was trying to scare away the newbies!
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 16, 2017, 07:11:40 PM
Randy, you mean all the stuff I say about Laurie and her about me, is joking. I thought we were serious too. Oh Gee, I had no idea people thought we were joking. I feel like I just ate my ice cream shake too fast. Oh my head!
Davina, I love the little hints you do like the nails. I love your attitude.
Georgette, I don't think Laurie has her birth certificate or her passport to enter Maryland. I'm counting on her getting stopped at the Delaware border crossing. I won't look up to you if it bothers you. I will listen to your good advice even if you don't like it. :)
Laurie, whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!(said with best valley girl ascent.)
Moni
Seriously Georgette, I thought she was trying to scare away the newbies!
Dang! Harmonica or whateva you call yourself these days
You're in a rare good mood today. I mean just look at you gushing complements in all directions, every direction except mine. Yeah you silly, crazy person, I did notice as I'm sure was your intent. I don't care. Whateva!! (if you're going to do valley girl, get it right... there's no r in "whateva" not eva!
And I could to get into Maryland if I wanted. All you need is a valid driver's license. So there! :P :P :P You don't think they would mind the picture not quite looking like me do you? I mean I could take off my hair for them if I had to. And I do too have a birth certificates. I have two of them around here somewhere. I think I could find at least one if I needed it.
Oh to heck with you Monie,
Hugs (ugh)
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 16, 2017, 08:21:24 PM
And I could to get into Maryland if I wanted. All you need is a valid driver's license. So there! [emoji14] [emoji14] [emoji14] You don't think they would mind the picture not quite looking like me do you? I mean I could take off my hair for them if I had to.
In 1973 I was a college student travelling on a bus through communist East Germany. Yes, even during the Cold War, they allowed Americans in.
Well we came to the border, to cross back into West Germany. But to leave the East, we had to get through the East German guards. They were busy looking under the bus, searching the luggage compartments. And a stern guard came on to check each of our passports.
My passport was issued when I was a sweet, clean shaven high school student. With matching photo. Now, I was a scruffy hippie, with long hair and a full beard! Well that guard gave me a very long, hard, stern look. I was a bit nervous, and relieved when he accepted me. I was afraid I'd have to shave my beard on the spot! Later one of our professors told me the guard was just having fun at my expense.
Nowadays, it's all reversed! My passport and drivers license show me with a beard, but I took that off when I started getting dysphoria. Hope some border guard doesn't make me grow it out lol.
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Quote from: RandyL on May 16, 2017, 11:42:00 PM
In 1973 I was a college student travelling on a bus through communist East Germany. Yes, even during the Cold War, they allowed Americans in.
Well we came to the border, to cross back into West Germany. But to leave the East, we had to get through the East German guards. They were busy looking under the bus, searching the luggage compartments. And a stern guard came on to check each of our passports.
My passport was issued when I was a sweet, clean shaven high school student. With matching photo. Now, I was a scruffy hippie, with long hair and a full beard! Well that guard gave me a very long, hard, stern look. I was a bit nervous, and relieved when he accepted me. I was afraid I'd have to shave my beard on the spot! Later one of our professors told me the guard was just having fun at my expense.
Nowadays, it's all reversed! My passport and drivers license show me with a beard, but I took that off when I started getting dysphoria. Hope some border guard doesn't make me grow it out lol.
Guards just want to have fun. LOL
My License still show my mustache.
Hugs,
Laurie
I was pretty terrified that my psychologist was going to tell me I was crazy and deny me access to HRT...
In reality she had to push me out the door at the end of our first session because she just kept unlocking realization after realization. :P It was so good to feel validated and legitimized.
Much love. <3
Quote from: rainecloude on May 17, 2017, 12:42:05 PM
I was pretty terrified that my psychologist was going to tell me I was crazy and deny me access to HRT...
In reality she had to push me out the door at the end of our first session because she just kept unlocking realization after realization. :P It was so good to feel validated and legitimized.
Much love. <3
Hi Raincloud,
In my case I had already been doing HRT for over two months and I was afraid she was going to tell me I was trans but had other problems and she wasn't going to refer me to a gender therapist. You see I did it backwards I started HRT first then told my doctors. Not the recommended way of doing thing. But you are right about the vindication and affirmation was great to get.
btw I don't think we've met until now, Hi I'm Laurie LOL you knew that didn't you? I'd like to invite you over to the introductions (if you haven't done it already) so you can make a thread introducing yourself and post a bit so we can get to know you better and welcome you properly.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Laurie! Only time for a quick note, but I am SO glad that your day of medical visits went well! Cute that the nurse wanted to use your new name, but perhaps too much of a good thing...
Wishing your sister a speedy recovery. You have my mouth watering lately talking about chicken with onions and ribeye steaks...I think this has become the official foodie forum as well as Laurie updates!
Bon appétit & big hugs!,
P :-*
Quote from: p on May 17, 2017, 05:35:36 PM
Hi Laurie! Only time for a quick note, but I am SO glad that your day of medical visits went well! Cute that the nurse wanted to use your new name, but perhaps too much of a good thing...
Wishing your sister a speedy recovery. You have my mouth watering lately talking about chicken with onions and ribeye steaks...I think this has become the official foodie forum as well as Laurie updates!
Bon appétit & big hugs!,
P :-*
Yes ,p I would have preferred her not using my new name in public like she did but it really didn't do any harm other than make me a little uncomfortable for a few moments. She is a nice and friendly older lady and can talk your ear off. LOL.
My sister is still hurting quite a bit but taking her antibiotics and Tylenol. I've been on KP while she's in the repair shop.
Oh you've noticed I like food? I didn't realize it showed anywhere but my waistline.
Hugs back at ya p,
Laurie
Did someone say steak?
This was my supper tonight.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FUYAjGcz.jpg&hash=c79c25b20e9dc5355efb1f05960828e94680a0e0)
Quote from: Laurie on May 17, 2017, 08:01:55 PM
Did someone say steak?
This was my supper tonight.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FUYAjGcz.jpg&hash=c79c25b20e9dc5355efb1f05960828e94680a0e0)
what is the item on the right top of the plate??
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 18, 2017, 06:55:43 AM
what is the item on the right top of the plate??
Hi Liz,
Those my dear, are string beans from a can. They were leftovers along with the beets the bottom right was a small baked potato and the left was a fairly thick rib-eye steak. I only ate half the steak and am looking forward to steak and eggs this morning.
Speaking of this morning....
I'll be eating my steak and eggs with a fuzzy itchy face and without coffee. Instead I'll be drowning myself with water per advice from Mistress Christina (and a bunch of you here) in prep of my first facial torture session a few hours from now. Yep, electrolysis will be experienced today. I've got my 4% lidocaine creme ready to slather somewhere and cover with saran wrap. I have witch hazel and aloe vera 100% gel standing by for use upon my return. My Sansa clip MP3 player is primed with my audio books. Unfortunately the EMLA creme my doctor said he would send out has not arrived. So I guess I'm ready to go when the time comes.
Other than that I have nothing going on except to come home and hang out on the computer. Such an exciting life I lead. lol
Already I want my coffee and to shave. This growing the fuzz is more unpleasant than I remembered. And I have to do this for how long? aaaaarrrg.
Hugs,
Laurie
Oh my goodness, apparently it's no longer safe to look at this thread before I've had something to eat! That steak looks wonderful, & I hope you enjoyed your breakfast.
I HATE growing out the hair for electrolysis! It is so annoying in every way--dysphoria, itchiness, the fact that even if I liked looking like a man, my facial hair grows in the trashiest shape possible (think Joe Dirt)... the only comfort is that I know that at each session, several of them are going to vanish never to be seen again! Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, face hairs >:-)
Sounds like you have all of your supplies in order! For what it's worth, coffee is not as dehydrating as folks make it out to be (see this article, for instance: http://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2014/01/13/262175623/coffee-myth-busting-cup-of-joe-may-help-hydration-and-memory). If you are terribly concerned, a quick cup before you leave the house shouldn't have time to dehydrate you much and might cure the grumpiness/slight headache of caffeine withdrawal!
So excited for you, Laurie!
Quote from: p on May 18, 2017, 10:57:52 AM
Oh my goodness, apparently it's no longer safe to look at this thread before I've had something to eat! That steak looks wonderful, & I hope you enjoyed your breakfast.
I HATE growing out the hair for electrolysis! It is so annoying in every way--dysphoria, itchiness, the fact that even if I liked looking like a man, my facial hair grows in the trashiest shape possible (think Joe Dirt)... the only comfort is that I know that at each session, several of them are going to vanish never to be seen again! Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, face hairs >:-)
Sounds like you have all of your supplies in order! For what it's worth, coffee is not as dehydrating as folks make it out to be (see this article, for instance: http://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2014/01/13/262175623/coffee-myth-busting-cup-of-joe-may-help-hydration-and-memory). If you are terribly concerned, a quick cup before you leave the house shouldn't have time to dehydrate you much and might cure the grumpiness/slight headache of caffeine withdrawal!
So excited for you, Laurie!
Hi p
Yes I had a good breakfast. How could I not, I mean it's steak and eggs after all.
Coffee, according to my electrologist, should be avoided not because it dehydrates you but because it make you more sensitive to the pain. I've read that here also. I'm starting to feel weird about putting the lidocaine on and then covering it in saran wrap for the drive to her office. I'm sure I am going to feel really silly doing it. This first visit is almost as bad as when I went to see the psychiatrist, but I am going. Really I am going to go do it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Congrats on your first torture electrolysis session!
Yes, wearing Saran wrap on your face does feel a bit weird at first. But, like everything else, you get used to it. It is part of what you need to be yourself. And you are almost certainly not the first client ever to walk in that door or sit in that waiting room wearing it.
Although my electrologist books mostly shorter sessions, 15 or 30 m inutes for other clients, I know she has other 60 minute bookings, not just mine. Those other ladies, most of them likely cis, probably need to use lidocaine too. So you are in good company. It is just part of being a woman. >:-)
Fortunately, I can usually park right out front, so it's a short walk to her front door.
Hope all goes well for you Laurie.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie.
Thanks Kathy and Sadie
Saran wrap is in place. Laters
Hugs,
Laurie
If saran wrap feels conspicuously weird, you could cover it with colored tape. Might as well pretend it's your costume lol.
Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Yeah Randy, uh thanks for the suggestion.
Well I survived.
I arrived before she did and hung out in the hall saran wrap and all for maybe 5 minutes. (she did call to say she would be a couple minutes late.) I forgot to take some Tylenol or ibuprofen before the appointment. I had her start on the side without the lidocaine to see how it was. I was able to tolerate it and the machine was about 2 setting down from max. She worked on that cheek for a while then moved on over to the numbed side. I could still feel it but it wasn't as sharp feeling. So I wound up with two red cheeks too low and forward to be blush.
She liked the polish job on my nails asked if I had done it myself. Next appointment is on the 27th.
Now what's for lunch?
Hugs,
Laurie
See not that bad( she says having yet to do it) , just to make you hungry had chicken and tomato curry with aubergine and potatoes , that's another curry . Have some left to go with pork chops in a chilli sauce , that's a curry as well. I like my Indian food!!!!!! So ready for the next session then, cant wait for myself as getting fed up shaving twice a day . Glad it went OK , had a lou day today and spent most of it grinding bits of my vw panel van, then decided to remove load bay floor pan and so far have drilled 100 spotwelds and not half way done but cant afford the £700 for a new pan, that's a lot of HRT that I need. You having steak again? looked tasty uuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmm.
Well done Laurie, I knew you'd breeze it. Now go nurse those new rosy cheeks.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Laurie on May 18, 2017, 11:39:08 AM
I'm starting to feel weird about putting the lidocaine on ans then covering it in saran wrap for the drive to her office. I'm sure I am going to feel really silly doing it. This first visit is almost as bad as when I went to see the psychiatrist, but I am going. Really I am going to go do it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie,
I think you would look a little silly with the saran wrap, to be honest! As your loyal friend, I am here for you. I would suggest duct tape. You could make it look like you are kidnapping yourself. No one would know.
I did the Saran wrap thing a few times, but found it really didn't make much difference to me. Everyone's pain is different though. Laurie, my feeling is you
are...agh...have, a big pain. You could always do it in areas. Refresh an area that she will work on while she works on an area that you prep earlier.
Moni
Ladies, she has been tough on me lately, so don't hate me for giving her a little 'love.'
Lol Moni, I gave her a similar suggestion for tape. We may be similarly sick, but nothing Laurie doesn't deserve ;)
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
The good news is my EMLA cream arrived! Might have been more useful before the appointment though.
Thank you Davinia and Sadie, I can tell who loves me and who doesn't. No it wasn't that bad, definitely pinpoint stings but tolerable. I did find myself clenching my teeth several times though.
Duct tape huh? Kidnap victim huh? Big pain huh? You best start preparing your hiding places Moni as in phony balony. If I do happen to get to Maryland I'ma huntin you down.... I'll show you what a pain I can be. You just watch me....
And you, Random, Did you forget I know where the Springs are in Colorado? It might be a little out of the way but I know how to get there... You could just get randymiized one of these days.
On a side note. That dang Davinia has gotten me running around in public with painted nails now. But mine aren't dark manly colors. Oh no, mine are that pretty pink you saw in my picture before. I can't bring myself to do the reds or darker pinks yet though. It's nice not having to remove it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Laurie, Do you find the Emla helps? I did not. Upper lip and jaw bone is a tough go. Are you doing multi needle or single ?
Quote from: brie33 on May 18, 2017, 09:26:44 PM
Hi Laurie, Do you find the Emla helps? I did not. Upper lip and jaw bone is a tough go. Are you doing multi needle or single ?
Hi Brie,
My Emla cream did not arrive until after my session so I didn't get t try it. Next time.
I did try 4% lidocaine and I think it helped a little but I did still feel it. She only worked on the front of my cheeks on both side and I was able to tolerate the stings on both. My left was with lidocaine and the right was without.
I was well hydrated and had forgotten to take a pain reliever before going.
Single
Hugs,
Laurie
To be honest I keep forgetting my nails are done, I think you should try a emerald green or sky blue. Have to do the clear for sunday as its the grandsons christening , also have to be in full bloke mode. Well not so they can tell so for the fem stuff.
Quote from: davina61 on May 19, 2017, 03:11:46 PM
To be honest I keep forgetting my nails are done, I think you should try a emerald green or sky blue. Have to do the clear for sunday as its the grandsons christening , also have to be in full bloke mode. Well not so they can tell so for the fem stuff.
Green or blue huh? Those are a but in the wrong spectrum of the color wheel for me. Perhaps a robin's egg blue...
Naw I'm a pink and red girl.
Hugs,
Laurie
Congrats on your first appointment! I am glad it went well. Had some done this afternoon myself. My electrologist is going for the darkest hairs first so that it becomes less and less annoying to grow the hair out, which is nice. She's on vacation next week, which part of me (the long-term planner) is bummed out about and another part of me (the girl who lives for the moment) is thinking "No bearded lady look for me next week!"
Big hugs,
P
Thanks p
It's good to know I can tolerate it without numbing if need be but I think I will still be using some. I just called my electrologist and left a message asking if I could make the 1 hour appointment extend into two. Might as well get to getting it done.
Hugs,
Laurie
I never knew going to an electrologist with all that pain could be so much fun I can,t wait, Laurie when ever I read the post on the tread you cooking or eating, steak! for breakfast I,m living in the wrong side of the pond.
Quote from: coldHeart on May 19, 2017, 04:53:49 PM
I never knew going to an electrologist with all that pain could be so much fun I can,t wait, Laurie when ever I read the post on the tread you cooking or eating, steak! for breakfast I,m living in the wrong side of the pond.
Hi Sara,
Oh yes letting a nice lady sting your face over and over again is the height of fun, and don't forget the slathered goo with saran wrap... it's the icing on the cake. You mean not everyone eats steak and eggs for breakfast? I do eat other things too. You should check out the breakfast thread I started for other morning delights.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,222331.0.html
Good foods in there with pictures.
Hugs,
Laurie
What on earth is a saran wrap is it a new hip hop or something else you're cooked up taking of food what you are knocking up for breakfast Laurie looks like a main dish.
Quote from: coldHeart on May 19, 2017, 06:09:29 PM
What on earth is a saran wrap is it a new hip hop or something else you're cooked up taking of food what you are knocking up for breakfast Laurie looks like a main dish.
Saran wrap is a brand of plastic film used to seal food in a container or wrap in. The words "Saran wrap" is commonly used to refer to any plastic film wrap used for sealing foods.
http://www.saranbrands.com/
Sorry I thought everyone knew of saran wrap.
Hugs,
Laurie
I guess I didn't get enough facial torture with just an hour last time. I had made another appointment for an hour on the 27th and called Christina back today to see if I could extend the appointment to 2 hours. She just confirmed it. 2 hours next time. I face redness disappeared about 2 hours after returning home and was almost unnoticeable before bedtime.
I wanted chocolate chip cookies and had bought the chocolate chips for them the other day. This morning my nephew's wife came over and I took her to and fetched her from an appointment she had scheduled. When she returned we had her mix up and start baking a double batch of cookies. I had to finish making the last half for her as she needed to leave before they were all cooked. So I have homemade chocolate chip cookies now and they taste wonderful. No, we will not discuss blood sugar levels for several more days...
Yummmmmmm Nice , thick, soft chocolate chip cookies...
Hugs,
Laurie
Here's what's left.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1W0KXSX.jpg&hash=a5add5cdfe849c5ced229e9ca740234036c7ebb5)
Oh Laurie your a right little cook by the looks of it but those cookies they will hang on to those hips so go easy on them, yes the saran wrap I now know what it is, in the UK its called cling film mmmm being wrap in that sounds kinky😳
Alright, enough of this cooking stuff! Isn't it time to get back to harassing Laurie? I think she is using this cooking stuff to distract from distracting us with the electrolysis which in turn distracted us from the central issue here. What was it again? Oh yeah, that makeover thing. Your public is demanding more out in public time, during the day, that is. And as for you, 'her public', you are really slacking on the pushing for progress part here lately. Come on, this is a transgender site not a cooking show (unless transgender ingredients are used.) It is about progress, and forcing Laurie to do things she won't do on her own. As you all know, I have no axe to grind here. Well, she did call me 'weird' the other day. But anyone can plainly see by reading this, there is nothing weird about me. (Well not that much.)Now excuse me while I try to extract my tongue from my cheek.
Love you Lorry, can you tell?
Moni (Mon-neeeeee)
Quote from: coldHeart on May 20, 2017, 08:15:46 AM
Oh Laurie your a right little cook by the looks of it but those cookies they will hang on to those hips so go easy on them, yes the saran wrap I now know what it is, in the UK its called cling film mmmm being wrap in that sounds kinky😳
LOL Sara,
Two comments:
1. I can use some helps on the hips and derriere .... pleas pass me another cookie.
2. It is kinky, so are Crisco parties, but oh so much fun .... shall we?
Hugs,
Laurie
You going two hour zapping sessions now, wow Laurie I was thinking about easing myself in gently with a wimpy 30mins.
Good for you girl.
All of a sudden I fancy a chocolate chip cookie, are you getting payed for subliminal advertising by a cookie company!
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 20, 2017, 08:37:22 AM
Alright, enough of this cooking stuff! Isn't it time to get back to harassing Laurie? I think she is using this cooking stuff to distract from distracting us with the electrolysis which in turn distracted us from the central issue here. What was it again? Oh yeah, that makeover thing. Your public is demanding more out in public time, during the day, that is. And as for you, 'her public', you are really slacking on the pushing for progress part here lately. Come on, this is a transgender site not a cooking show (unless transgender ingredients are used.) It is about progress, and forcing Laurie to do things she won't do on her own. As you all know, I have no axe to grind here. Well, she did call me 'weird' the other day. But anyone can plainly see by reading this, there is nothing weird about me. (Well not that much.)Now excuse me while I try to extract my tongue from my cheek.
Love you Lorry, can you tell?
Moni (Mon-neeeeee)
Good Morning Moaning,
What do you mean by "time to get back to harassing Laurie" ? When did you stop? Oh that's right, I just though you were taking a few days off for personal reasons. ( heaven knows we can all use you taking a few days off ) I certainly haven't I've been running around out in the world with earrings, nail polish, saran wrap and goo on my face etc. What more could you want woman? Sheeeesh!
Cooking is a good subject to socialize with, but then what would you know about being social? Huh? That's what I thought, nothing. You've been off in your own little world and leaving us here to fend for ourselves.
Oh in case you missed it Sadie is doing wonderfully well in her new hair. I'm afraid we've unleashed an ex-introvert upon the world! She out running all over the place with shopping for new clothes, salon visited (for whatever reasons I can't fathom) and even trying facial torture soon. Talk about new found freedom!
I'm not sure I like this insane talk of "forcing Laurie to do things", not sure I like it at all. Besides I am "dong things"
And I only called you weird because it's true. Anyone can see that. I mean it is obvious. Just look at how you continue to mispronounce you name in spite of being shown over and over the right way to say it. It's Mo ni as in Tony and pony and coney... everyone know that is how it's pronounced, Now get it right girl.
LOL did you see Sara didn't know what Saran wrap was? What do you say we invite her over for a Crisco party? LOL I think she'd love that.. LOL ( it could be fun.....)
Hugs,
Laurie
I love my electro sessions...Have them every Tuesday for 1 hour a time and I didn't even know you could use a pain numbing type thing lol...Worst part about my Electrologist is she lovessssss to talk while she is doing it, "Excuse me love cant talk needles in upper lips" lmao
xxx
Nooms
Quote from: Nooms on May 20, 2017, 11:45:50 AM
I love my electro sessions...Have them every Tuesday for 1 hour a time and I didn't even know you could use a pain numbing type thing lol...Worst part about my Electrologist is she lovessssss to talk while she is doing it, "Excuse me love cant talk needles in upper lips" lmao
xxx
Nooms
Hi Nooms,
You have to be the first person I've heard say they love electrolysis sessions. Now I do like my tech and she does like to talk with me and I need to stop talking back as she stops then and gets a little less done. It doesn't help when I have the gift of gab.
Hugs,
Laurie
aww hun, I know it's going to be so nerveracking but be strong! I have to come out to my aunts in a few weeks so I know how you feel. Keep your head up! :)
Moni
We need to drag Laurie to Maryland. I will get her out and about till she drops. On nights out we close the places at two.
Of course at 66 need some quiet times also.
MON - Movies Groceries, quiet night in after I grilled a NY Strip steak with boiled redskin potatoes and cole slaw.
TUE - Quiet night out chatting with friends and Karaoke. Then a friend wanted to go into town (WASH DC) for dancing, back to her place at 1-2, chat and smoke with her partner till after 3.
WED - Drag Bingo and Karaoke, left early around midnight.
THU - A quiet evening at home after cutting the grass, getting hot out there this week (80s-90s). Grilled some pork chops with turnip greens and mash potatoes.
FRI - Went to a local place, from 8-2, for a band called Sheatles, An all female rock band playing all kinds of Beatles music, and some crazy dancing.
Tonight - Drinks and chatting watching a Drag show. Maybe Karaoke and dancing after.
My days are usually quiet. Movies Groceries Shopping, Need to get a Pedicure.
Georgette
Hi Georgette,
What are you doing conspiring with "That" woman for? I would probably be better just to send the men inn the white coats over to her place...
Hmmm I could probably do your Monday and Thursday items, Not sure of those other days though. LOl I think it's almost nap time again *yawn*
You had a busy week Georgette, I got tired reading it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Yes Laurie all your talk of food I think everyone on this thread has gained 15 pounds no more cookie talk
Quote from: Laurie on May 19, 2017, 06:14:44 PM
Saran wrap is a brand of plastic film used to seal food in a container or wrap in. The words "Saran wrap" is commonly used to refer to any plastic film wrap used for sealing foods.
http://www.saranbrands.com/
Sorry I thought everyone knew of saran wrap.
Hugs,
Laurie
There is that use for Saran Wrap and then there is The Fugs interpretation of Saran Wrap.
Quote from: DawnOday on May 20, 2017, 02:56:50 PM
There is that use for Saran Wrap and then there is The Fugs interpretation of Saran Wrap.
OMG Dawn!
I'm surprised at you! First for your comment and second that you even know of The Fugs! So you were a naughty little pervert too? LMAO
I think I only had one of their albums and my parents NEVER heard it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Shy on May 20, 2017, 09:33:03 AM
You going two hour zapping sessions now, wow Laurie I was thinking about easing myself in gently with a wimpy 30mins.
Good for you girl.
All of a sudden I fancy a chocolate chip cookie, are you getting payed for subliminal advertising by a cookie company!
Sadie
Yes, Sadie I'm giving a 2 hour session a try. It will be an extra hour I don't need to do later. I should be able to afford 3 hours a month and maybe 4.
If I was getting paid for subliminal food advertising I'd be running more food oriented posts.
Sara - Only 15 lbs? lol At least yours are virtual pounds, mine are real.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Georgette on May 20, 2017, 12:24:03 PM
Moni
We need to drag Laurie to Maryland. I will get her out and about till she drops. On nights out we close the places at two.
Of course at 66 need some quiet times also.
MON - Movies Groceries, quiet night in after I grilled a NY Strip steak with boiled redskin potatoes and cole slaw.
TUE - Quiet night out chatting with friends and Karaoke. Then a friend wanted to go into town (WASH DC) for dancing, back to her place at 1-2, chat and smoke with her partner till after 3.
WED - Drag Bingo and Karaoke, left early around midnight.
THU - A quiet evening at home after cutting the grass, getting hot out there this week (80s-90s). Grilled some pork chops with turnip greens and mash potatoes.
FRI - Went to a local place, from 8-2, for a band called Sheatles, An all female rock band playing all kinds of Beatles music, and some crazy dancing.
Tonight - Drinks and chatting watching a Drag show. Maybe Karaoke and dancing after.
My days are usually quiet. Movies Groceries Shopping, Need to get a Pedicure.
Georgette
Oh Georgette, I knew I could count on you. The hard part obviously would be how to get her to stop complaining the whole time. If we get her to eat the cookies then whip out the Saran Wrap, maybe! No, she is already freaking out about us graciously encouraging her to come out of her shell, so that won't work. Try to nudge someone for their own good and it's like the sky is falling.
Should I offer an apology to her for not knowing she was out with Saran Wrap
and Goo on her face. I figure she was using the wrap for a bank robbery of something.
Oh, and she seems upset that I was not around all the time. Well you know there is just so much Laurie, one can take in one sitting. I needed a break. You understand right? Now she is fussing at you. It's worse than I thought. Poor girl! Notice the transference of the men in the white coats going to my house instead of, well, you know. This is serious!
Moni
Don't tell her I said anything, it might spark her anger. Again!
Quote from: Laurie on May 20, 2017, 04:08:01 PM
Yes, Sadie I'm giving a 2 hour session a try. It will be an extra hour I don't need to do later. I should be able to afford 3 hours a month and maybe 4.
If I was getting paid for subliminal food advertising I'd be running more food oriented posts.
Sara - Only 15 lbs? lol At least yours are virtual pounds, mine are real.
Hugs,
Laurie
I spent my morning getting zapped for an hour. I think I prefer waterboarding. :0 Good Lord. When I use lidocaine I get sick. I wish I could just be me, without all the baggage. Twenty hours down, forty to go.
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 20, 2017, 04:24:55 PM
Oh Georgette, I knew I could count on you. The hard part obviously would be how to get her to stop complaining the whole time. If we get her to eat the cookies then whip out the Saran Wrap, maybe! No, she is already freaking out about us graciously encouraging her to come out of her shell, so that won't work. Try to nudge someone for their own good and it's like the sky is falling.
Should I offer an apology to her for not knowing she was out with Saran Wrap and Goo on her face. I figure she was using the wrap for a bank robbery of something.
Oh, and she seems upset that I was not around all the time. Well you know there is just so much Laurie, one can take in one sitting. I needed a break. You understand right? Now she is fussing at you. It's worse than I thought. Poor girl! Notice the transference of the men in the white coats going to my house instead of, well, you know. This is serious!
Moni
Don't tell her I said anything, it might spark her anger. Again!
Georgette,
I'm sorry that that woman is dragging you into her conspiracy against me. It's really a shame she has such animosity towards me that she feels she has to spread her vitriol everywhere. And over what? It is such a petty thing, I mean just because I corrected her on how her name is supposed to be pronounced! My gosh, now isn't that silly? I feel I need to apologize to you for her efforts to involve you in the petty nonsense. Please accept my humble apology on her behalf. This behavior always happens when they release her. Don't worry , they will soon catch up with her again and give her some more ummm counseling.
Moni dear,
I'm sure your feeling a little out of sorts right now with your pending hospitalization, but if you just go with those nice men all will be better soon. It's just a little procedure (what was it called?.. hmmm a pre-frontal something I think) and you will no longer have these delusions. It won't even hurt and it'll be over before you know it. Why you must project those nasty little fears onto me I will never understand. Why this insistence of having me make public appearances all the time in full female regalia? I am making progress along those lines however. Why just yesterday I took out the trash, checked the mail and stopped in at the apartment management office wearing my women's athletic shoes wit pink trim socks, cute hearts earrings in both ears and I still have my pink nail polish on. I mean how much more could you ask for from me? And didn't I go to my facial torture session wearing those same items and half my face covered in goo and saran wrap? Well didn't I?
I just don't know what more one could expect from me.
Oh well...
**sigh**
Hugs,
Laurie
If the zapping really is that bad I think I,ll be the bearded lady thank you.😳
Quote from: coldHeart on May 20, 2017, 05:15:54 PM
If the zapping really is that bad I think I,ll be the bearded lady thank you.😳
Sara,
For me I found it tolerable even on the side that had no numbing cream applied. It was a little better on the side that did.
Laurie
Numbing cream! oh come come Laurie that's cheating how can you enjoy it😛
Quote from: coldHeart on May 20, 2017, 05:50:25 PM
Numbing cream! oh come come Laurie that's cheating how can you enjoy it😛
LOL Now Sara I never claimed to be a masochist.
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 20, 2017, 05:12:53 PM
Georgette,
I'm sorry that woman is dragging you into her conspiracy against me. It's really a shame she has such animosity towards me that she feels she has to spread her vitriol everywhere. And over what? It is such a petty thing, I mean just because I corrected her on how here name is supposed to be pronounced! My gosh, now isn't that silly? I feel I need to apologize to you for her efforts to involve you in the petty nonsense. Please accept my humble apology on her behalf. This behavior always happens when they release her. Don't worry , they will soon catch up with her again and give her some more ummm counseling.
Moni dear,
I'm sure your feeling a little out of sorts right now with your pending hospitalization, but if you just go with those nice men all will be better soon. It's just a little procedure (what was it called?.. hmmm a pre-frontal something I think) and you will no longer have these delusions. It won't even hurt and it'll be over before you know it. Why you must project those nasty little fears onto me I will never understand. Why this insistence of having me make public appearances all the time in full female regalia? I am making progress along those lines however. Why just yesterday I took out the trash, checked the mail and stopped in at the apartment management office wearing my women's athletic shoes wit pink trim socks, cute hearts earrings in both ears and I still have my pink nail polish on. I mean how much more could you ask for from me? And didn't I go to my facial torture session wearing those same items and half my face covered in goo and saran wrap? Well didn't I?
I just don't know what more one could expect from me.
Oh well...
**sigh**
Hugs,
Laurie
Can they do the lobotomy and the GCS with one incision? If so, count me in.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 20, 2017, 10:46:40 PM
Can they do the lobotomy and the GCS with one incision? If so, count me in.
Moni
Moni.
I don't think so. But if they do one first then you won't even mind the other.
Laurie
Laurie,
Do you realize your post was #666? I'm just sayin!
Moni
OMG!!! I just went to throw out the trash (En femme mind you Moni) and to check the mail. In my mail box I found a letter from the VA clinic where my GP is located and an evelope package that I sounded like it contained a bottle of pills when I shook it. I was not expecting anything from my doctor nor was I expecting any more medications.I opened the envelope and sure enough it's a bottle of pills. Estradiol pills with instructions to take two every day!! My dosage has just been doubled!
The letter was a lab report showing my estradiol level at 158.4 PG?ML and my Total Testosterone level at 2.0 ng/mL.
They must have run the tests when the drew blood for my oncology appointment and I didn't know they were doing it.
There is also a note from my doctor saying:
"Your estradiol level is still a little low. I will increase your estradiol supplement to XX daily and recheck these labs in 2 months."
I think I am might be dreaming... someone pinch me. I just took another one of the one I have left. Why wait for tomorrow to start?!
Hugs,
Laurie
Moni,
No, I didn't notice... The devil made me do it. I'm too happy to give you a bad time right now.
LJW
Not all my weeks are like that. Some are quieter. I am more a night person than day type.
For a while there I was out with the gals 5 times a week. Not always the same nights. But was getting a little tired, I am 66 after all but can run some of those slacker 40-50 year old gals in the ground, so I have cut back.
Plus it cuts into what I can get done in the daytime. Some weeks have to see 2-3 movies instead of one. It mostly depends on who is ready for a night out. Usually on my nights out I leave the house around 6 pm but get back 2-3 am.
Tonight was a short night, out from 6 - midnight. Friend I was with has to visit her doctor in Philly on MON. She has some anemia and wants to rest up before trip. Coming back on TUE, she will let me know if she is up for an outing.
My longest was a 7 day in a row period.
I am making up for some 30+ years of just work and then TV at night, plus my hobby. When my partner died, I realized I didn't want to just vegetate in my retirement years. After she retired she wouldn't go out much, she didn't care for people.
Moni
Maybe we could make some special chocolate chip cookies, that would calm her down, or at least quieter.
Quote from: Laurie on May 20, 2017, 11:35:06 PM
OMG!!! I just went to throw out the trash (En femme mind you Moni) and to check the mail. In my mail box I found a letter from the VA clinic where my GP is located and an evelope package that I sounded like it contained a bottle of pills when I shook it. I was not expecting anything from my doctor nor was I expecting any more medications.I opened the envelope and sure enough it's a bottle of pills. Estradiol pills with instructions to take two every day!! My dosage has just been doubled!
The letter was a lab report showing my estradiol level at 158.4 PG?ML and my Total Testosterone level at 2.0 ng/mL.
They must have run the tests when the drew blood for my oncology appointment and I didn't know they were doing it.
There is also a note from my doctor saying:
"Your estradiol level is still a little low. I will increase your estradiol supplement to XX daily and recheck these labs in 2 months."
I think I am might be dreaming... someone pinch me. I just took another one of the one I have left. Why wait for tomorrow to start?!
Hugs,
Laurie
Yay, does that mean we now get a double dose of Laurie with extra choc chips. ;D ;D Happy for you girl :)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Here I go into a medical emergency, half of the world closes down to listen for information about me and the remaining few are interested in USA politics - what do we get?
Laurie wrapped up in cling film fighting off a straight-coat mummified Moni over choc chip cookies as the crowd cheer on.
It sounds far more interesting than the clips I have seen for the Tom Cruise "Mummy" movie.
It is also a distraction. Where is Davina's outing, Shy's response to the proposal, will p? I stagger from my sick bed to watch Bold and Beautiful but all the time we have "The Makeover".
Ahh the excitement.
'Cindy it is time for your tranquilliser'
Cindy, I am still waiting to see if Laurie will come out of her coma, if Davina is the long lost daughter of Tom Cruise, and what we will all do when we eat Georgette's special cookies. Were those mystery pills in the mail really estrogen? Dun, dun, dunnnnnn! Oh my, I don't mind being mummified. The only problem is Laurie (or is it her evil twin, Jeanette) will insist that that is how to pronounce my name.
Seriously Cindy, I hope you are okay.
Moni
Sorry Sadie I left you out, but only because you are so 'shy.'
Laurie,
We are your coaches. You get tough love while you are in training until you are game ready. Now drop and give me 50.
Moni
Quote from: Georgette on May 21, 2017, 02:01:46 AM
Not all my weeks are like that. Some are quieter. I am more a night person than day type.
For a while there I was out with the gals 5 times a week. Not always the same nights. But was getting a little tired, I am 66 after all but can run some of those slacker 40-50 year old gals in the ground, so I have cut back.
Moni
Maybe we could make some special chocolate chip cookies, that would calm her down, or at least quieter.
Wow Georgette,
You are way more active and social than I ever was.
I like "Special Dark" chocolate but somehow I don't think that's what you had in mind...
I no longer drink or do the other legal (here) recreational offerings. Do not do the illegal stuff either. *sigh* those reckless days are past and best left there. I'm no longer you and bulletproof.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Cindy on May 21, 2017, 04:29:07 AM
Here I go into a medical emergency, half of the world closes down to listen for information about me and the remaining few are interested in USA politics - what do we get?
Laurie wrapped up in cling film fighting off a straight-coat mummified Moni over choc chip cookies as the crowd cheer on.
It sounds far more interesting than the clips I have seen for the Tom Cruise "Mummy" movie.
It is also a distraction. Where is Davina's outing, Shy's response to the proposal, will p? I stagger from my sick bed to watch Bold and Beautiful but all the time we have "The Makeover".
Ahh the excitement.
'Cindy it is time for your tranquilliser'
My Dear Cindy,
Just when I had decided to send you a PM because I haven't seen hide nor hair of you online for days and you come on and post this???
"Here I go into a medical emergency, half of the world closes down to listen for information about me "
I'll have you know lady you do NOT have to go to such lengths to hide from me!! Hence forth I forbid IT!! Do you hear me? I forbid any future emergencies!!
I hope you are doing a whole lot better and feeling better too. ((((HUGS)))) Don't scare us like that!
Yes, life goes on. Moni is out of control and running amuck. It looks like she's enlisted Georgette's aid in her madness too. Randy helps her out at times too along with Kathy. p is still my number one fan though I don't know why. Sara is trying to give her a run for her money though.
The makeover has already happened donchaknow? Sadie got it done just the other day. She's gone wild in the public eye since she got her hair. It really looks good too doesn't it?
You best get well and get your keister back online I'm having trouble holding this motley crew in line.
Loves ya and (((HUGS)))
Laurie
Quote from: Shy on May 21, 2017, 03:22:47 AM
Yay, does that mean we now get a double dose of Laurie with extra choc chips. ;D ;D Happy for you girl :)
Sadie
Thanks Sadie, opening that package and reading the note made my day for sure. I was surprised that it made me so happy. I guess I was really looing forward to it happening.
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 21, 2017, 07:34:32 AM
Laurie,
We are your coaches. You get tough love while you are in training until you are game ready. Now drop and give me 50.
Moni
LOL Moni.. You so funny. ::) ::) I tell ya, I'm going to hunt you down and smack ya one of these days...
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 21, 2017, 10:19:46 AM
LOL Moni.. You so funny. ::) ::) I tell ya, I'm going to hunt you donw and smack ya one of these days...
Hmmmmm.... *sniff*, *sniff*. Is that... ??? Laurie, did you forget to take your spironolactone today?
Such violence! Tsk, tsk...
Quote from: Michelle_P on May 21, 2017, 10:39:18 AM
Hmmmmm.... *sniff*, *sniff*. Is that... ??? Laurie, did you forget to take your spironolactone today?
Such violence! Tsk, tsk...
oooops sorry Michelle,
No, I didn't forget it, I just now took it with all the other morning pills. It's Moni's fault. She brings out the best in me.
I'll be better soon when it kicks in. My doctor amy need to increase that dose too as my testosterone actually went up a bit and it's a little about female range but still below the male. OMG I'm lost in limbo again!!
Hugs to you Michelle (((Hug)))
Laurie
Its like the cold war again, battle of words!!!! and far more entertaining than the TV. If you have to many pills send me some (getting desperate now) . So did the christening thing , got a bit of cold shoulder from the missis, not bothered! There was a girl there and I have seen her before and the same thought hit me, is she trans? Glanced but you have to be carful not to stare, it was the way she walked and stature that looked wrong but her face was feminine but could be from HRT. Its a difficult one
Quote from: davina61 on May 21, 2017, 01:18:28 PM
Its like the cold war again, battle of words!!!! and far more entertaining than the TV. If you have to many pills send me some (getting desperate now) . So did the christening thing , got a bit of cold shoulder from the missis, not bothered! There was a girl there and I have seen her before and the same thought hit me, is she trans? Glanced but you have to be carful not to stare, it was the way she walked and stature that looked wrong but her face was feminine but could be from HRT. Its a difficult one
Hi Davina,
What cold war?, battle of words? I can't imagine what you could be talking about. If you just remember that what ever that Moanie says is wrong and what I say is right then you will have no problems.
Congrats on getting through the christening without incident and getting back to yourself. You did look dapper though...
Hugs,
Laurie
Perhaps its my female hormones kicking in but I,m starting to feel sorry for you Jeanette woops sorry Laurie all these nasty women ganging up on you, think you need to start handing out those "special cookies" again.
Quote from: coldHeart on May 21, 2017, 04:39:32 PM
Perhaps its my female hormones kicking in but I,m starting to feel sorry for you Jeanette woops sorry Laurie all these nasty women ganging up on you, think you need to start handing out those "special cookies" again.
'Nasty women?' Oh, you must have a coldHeart! But you are right, poor defenseless Laurie is lost when it comes to verbal self defense. What,...wait...have you seen some of the stuff she writes. You feel sorry for this verbal Amazon woman? I will admit to a certain love and admiration for her though, kind of like what one has for Darth Vader. Remember, she was the one who said she was gonna hunt me down and smack me with her light saber. And me, stuck in my straight jacket, all unable to protect myself!
Moni
Quote from: coldHeart on May 21, 2017, 04:39:32 PM
Perhaps its my female hormones kicking in but I,m starting to feel sorry for you Jeanette woops sorry Laurie all these nasty women ganging up on you, think you need to start handing out those "special cookies" again.
Thank you for the sympathy Sara. I'm doing okay so far. Most of these ladies are light weights and stick to cajoling and nudges. They're easy.
Now that darned Moni, well, she's a piece of work alright. I believe she's bonkers myself. I mean there just is no other excuse for her antagonistic behaviors. I mean she plays the psychotic part so darn well she can't be faking it can she? And then there's that little matter of her insistence on mispronouncing her name.... You almost need to hide behind a door if you're going to try to correct her on it. It really hits a raw nerve with her if you tell her it's Mo nee as in pony or Tony just like that song. She just won't listen.
Oh and btw it was Georgette passing out those funny cookies. I think she let it slip one time that she made them with a Canada bus or something like that. I wasn't really listening. I mean haow can you make it with a bus? hmmm maybe she meant she makes them in a Canadian bus, Yeah that must have been it though I don't see how that could make cookies special. Do you?
Well hey Sara it's been nice chatting with you but I got to go do dishes now.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 21, 2017, 08:41:28 PM
'Nasty women?' Oh, you must have a coldHeart! But you are right, poor defenseless Laurie is lost when it comes to verbal self defense. What,...wait...have you seen some of the stuff she writes. You feel sorry for this verbal Amazon woman? I will admit to a certain love and admiration for her though, kind of like what one has for Darth Vader. Remember, she was the one who said she was gonna hunt me down and smack me with her light saber. And me, stuck in my straight jacket, all unable to protect myself!
Moni
Do you see that Sara? See what I mean? Bonkers I tell you. See how she disses me when I haven't said anything bad about her. I have always lovingly supported her sad efforts at normalcy. Just look at all her veiled jabs at me and my character. It's libelous. I am always so nice to her. I make every effort to overlook her shortcomings and disabilities and what does it get me? More hostility, That's what. It just isn't fair. I try so hard. It's enough to make a girl cry. She's so cruel. :'( :'( :'(
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 21, 2017, 07:34:32 AM
Sorry Sadie I left you out, but only because you are so 'shy.'
Moni
Ha, don't care I'm in Laurie's gang now. She's on a double dose now you know ;D (Seriously i'm on a secret undercover mission code named 'Operation Laurie Makeover' so don't blow my cover, stealth is paramount)
Hi Laurie, nice weather we're having. What's for dinner?
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on May 22, 2017, 09:54:17 AM
Ha, don't care I'm in Laurie's gang now. She's on a double dose now you know ;D (Seriously i'm on a secret undercover mission code named 'Operation Laurie Makeover' so don't blow my cover, stealth is paramount)
Hi Laurie, nice weather we're having. What's for dinner?
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hi Sadie,
Yes, the weather has been nice here lately. It's going to get warm today though. It's supposed to hit 90. You had to bring up food, didn't you. This morning all I get is black coffee because I always fast before my GP doctor visits because he always orders blood draws and I'd rather they not have me come back another time for them because I ate that morning. I'm debating on my mode for this outing to my doctor's office. Because it is still a VA facility I'll probably go in male mode. Decisions, decisions.
As for dinner I don't know yet. I usually wait to see how my sister is feeling and if she feels like cooking something herself.
Hugs,
Laurie
How about MAKE some eggs OVER easy for dinner.
( "Sadie to salon central" "Come in, over, I think it's working, she doesn't suspect a thing" "Sadie out")
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie.
Quote from: Shy on May 22, 2017, 10:16:03 AM
How about MAKE some eggs OVER easy for dinner.
( "Sadie to salon central" "Come in, over, I think it's working, she doesn't suspect a thing" "Sadie out")
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie.
Sadie,
Make eggs for dinner huh? That might be doable. I have some ham I can fry and serve the eggs over a few slices.
That actually sounds pretty good. I could even do pancakes if I wanted.... sort of a breakfast for dinner type of thing. We'll have to see what my sister thinks.
Hugs,
Laurie
Well I hope you enjoyed your dinner Laurie. I'd rather MAKE things myself OVER shop brought TV dinners.
( Sadie to Salon Central, target not responding as expected........Subliminal messaging has failed........request immediate backup.........I think I've been rumbled..........Sadie out.)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on May 22, 2017, 01:39:02 PM
Well I hope you enjoyed your dinner Laurie. I'd rather MAKE things myself OVER shop brought TV dinners.
( Sadie to Salon Central, target not responding as expected........Subliminal messaging has failed........request immediate backup.........I think I've been rumbled..........Sadie out.)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Dear Sadie,
I'm afraid there has been some sort to misunderstanding here. I didn't make my dinner yet, it's only lunch time now. I'm thinking over what to make for lunch but fear I am over thinking it and may wind up with none. I really don't see why you make a fuss over what I should eat all of a sudden.
Did you take my suggestion, dear, and call your electrocutioner to as where you can shave so you don't have your poor little head all in a tizzy? Why you make such a big deal over a few tiny hairs on your face is beyond me.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 21, 2017, 11:07:16 PM
Do you see that Sara? See what I mean? Bonkers I tell you. See how she disses me when I haven't said anything bad about her. I have always lovingly supported her sad efforts at normalcy. Just look at all her veiled jabs at me and my character. It's libelous. I am always so nice to her. I make every effort to overlook her shortcomings and disabilities and what does it get me? More hostility, That's what. It just isn't fair. I try so hard. It's enough to make a girl cry. She's so cruel. :'( :'( :'(
Hugs,
Laurie
what worry's me Laurie you seemed up set moni & quite a few other ladies on here, are you starting to get paranoid? But I,ve been thinking I suspected your evil twin "Jeanette" has some thing to do with all of this sprouting all sorts of slurs about us all she's been turning us all against one another but I have had an anonymous email informing me "YOU" are none other that "Jeanette" &that you are hell bent on taking over the site, please Laurie don't say this is true think of all the hearts your break including mine😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬
Quote from: coldHeart on May 22, 2017, 02:11:04 PM
What worry's me Laurie you seemed up set Moni & quite a few other ladies on here, are you starting to get paranoid? But I've been thinking I suspected your evil twin "Jeanette" has some thing to do with all of this sprouting all sorts of slurs about us all she's been turning us all against one another but I have had an anonymous email informing me "YOU" are none other that "Jeanette" &that you are hell bent on taking over the site, please Laurie don't say this is true think of all the hearts your break including mine😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬
My dearest Sara,
How could you say such things of me? Have you too gone over to that Moni's side, (the dark side)? Didn't you know Darth is her brother? Paranoid? It's only paranoia when what you fear isn't truely there. Believe you me girl, Moni is There! It's not my imagination.
Evil twin? What ever is that? You know very well Jeanette is my middle name and is therefore, me. Was that your way of calling me two faced? And that mysterious email you got... well you know as well as I do it was Moni that sent it.
Sara dear how could you turn against me when I've given you all the loving support I can? My heart bleeds over this betrayal.
With much love and concern,
Hugs,
Laurie
Well Laurie I'm on your side, us follicle challenged folk have to stick together. Been hot here and meant to get hotter to the weekend, guess I picked the right week for a holiday. Well when I say holiday I mean spending a week working on my VW panel, grinding welding , more grinding welds off you get the picture. Ham and eggs sounds good to me, had rice and left over chicken curry followed by vanilla yogurt with banana, prunes, dates and dried apricots. Cant wait till the next episode of Life With Laurie
Laurie I think your right moni has been tempting me over to the dark side how can you ever forgive me I feel I have let you down but there has been whispers afoot, the email I received was from a miss X it warned me of this " Jeanette " person that I was not to trust her but now I see the perpetrator's or nasty woman are trying to brain wish me into believing all these hosted lies, there last sentence on that email "don't eat the cookies" it is a mass conspiracy against you Laurie & perhaps me I,m so twitchy I dare open the door to callers OH GOD that's some one knocking now, remember Laurie if you reply to this do it in code we need to both united together against the nasties, nurse is it bed time yet.😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵
Quote from: Laurie on May 22, 2017, 01:54:04 PM
Dear Sadie,
Did you take my suggestion, dear, and call your electrocutioner to as where you can shave so you don't have your poor little head all in a tizzy? Why you make such a big deal over a few tiny hairs on your face is beyond me.
Hugs,
Laurie
No, I ate a tub of ice cream and watched funny cat videos on youtube instead :P
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Laurie on May 21, 2017, 10:57:35 PM
Thank you for the sympathy Sara. I'm doing okay so far. Most of these ladies are light weights and stick to cajoling and nudges. They're easy.
Now that darned Moni, well, she's a piece of work alright. I believe she's bonkers myself. I mean there just is no other excuse for her antagonistic behaviors. I mean she plays the psychotic part so darn well she can't be faking it can she? And then there's that little matter of her insistence on mispronouncing her name.... You almost need to hide behind a door if you're going to try to correct her on it. It really hits a raw nerve with her if you tell her it's Mo nee as in pony or Tony just like that song. She just won't listen.
Oh and btw it was Georgette passing out those funny cookies. I think she let it slip one time that she made them with a Canada bus or something like that. I wasn't really listening. I mean haow can you make it with a bus? hmmm maybe she meant she makes them in a Canadian bus, Yeah that must have been it though I don't see how that could make cookies special. Do you?
Well hey Sara it's been nice chatting with you but I got to go do dishes now.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hey Laurie, you forgot the part where I bite the heads off of little puppies. Anyone know how Cindy is? Been wondering how she is.
Moni
I'm good.
Wondering what strange substances you lot have been eating, smoking or snorting, or all three simultaneously (Ooops too big a word for this lot) at once.
I'm still fascinated how Laurie can eat chocolate biscuits when bound up in saran wrap. Does she take the skin numbing cream to overcome her fear of food? Why does Moni polish her nails while wearing a straight jacket?
Should I go back on my medications?
<on a less serious note, I'm heading off in an hour or two to get my new voice system. I'll be talking again after 7 weeks, well sort of talking. Wheeeeee>
Quote from: Cindy on May 22, 2017, 08:49:14 PM
I'm good.
Wondering what strange substances you lot have been eating, smoking or snorting, or all three simultaneously (Ooops too big a word for this lot) at once.
I'm still fascinated how Laurie can eat chocolate biscuits when bound up in saran wrap. Does she take the skin numbing cream to overcome her fear of food? Why does Moni polish her nails while wearing a straight jacket?
Should I go back on my medications?
<on a less serious note, I'm heading off in an hour or two to get my new voice system. I'll be talking again after 7 weeks, well sort of talking. Wheeeeee>
Cindy,
Should you go back "on" your meds? It sounds like perhaps you need to wean yourself off some of them. I'm sure your doctors didn't mean for you to take all the different kinds of pain killer at once. I saw you updated your avatar and I think it is a better one than the last. This one makes you appear somewhat normal.
I think it's great you will be able to make noises again. I imagine there will be a learning curve before the noises start turning into words, But I'm sure you have been able to get you wants and needs conveyed to others w/o any trouble.
You should try some of Georgette's cookies I hear they're really really good. at least I get that idea from the bizarre things her and Moni come up with. I'm beginning to think I am the only normal person here on Susan's Place.
I saw my GP this morning and everything is on track. My estradiol is at 158 and I found out his target for me is to be above 200. That is why he doubled my dosage. I am scheduled to be retested in 3 months and it will be adjusted at that time again. I also found out what he considers a "full dose" of E is and I'm hoping that he will increase me to that dosage in 3 months.
I think I am getting closer to taking my Oregon to Maine road trip. I'm thinking next month will be the time to go. I still have a couple appointment this month to get done then I should be free for up to 2 months if I feel like it. I think it will have to be a mixed mode trip as I'm not quite ready to let myself try full time yet. I see it on the horizon though it is still far away.
Well, Cindy run off get give your true self a voice again.
Hugs,
Laurie
There you are, Cindy. It blows my (little) mind that it is probably daytime where you are. I was thinking about you. I think the crowd is turning on me here. I see the towns folk with torches and pitchforks headed up the road to my house. I think it is time we tell Laurie the truth about Susan's Place and I wanted you to know before I did it. In fact I will do it right here, right now.
Laurie...oh Laurie. I know you are out there. Now listen girl, I need you to know something very important. Whenever a wayward soul comes on to Susan's, Cindy assigns them a guardian angel to keep them on track and in some cases kick them in their keister when they need it. So, now hold on to your hat and/or hair Girl. I was assigned as your guardian angel. (A somewhat fallen angel to be sure) In fact, Cindy saw such a need that she assigned you more than one. Davina, Sara, Georgette, Sadie, Randy... well, we were all assigned to you. We are all trying to earn our butterfly wings by helping you become the real you. It is a fact that every time you hear a cell phone ring or beep, a trans angel gets her/his wings. You have come so far and we are all proud of you. I told you I am getting GCS. I want to thank you for making it possible for Cindy to allow me to do it. Merry Christmas every one! And Laurie let's keep that hostility on low simmer shall we.
Sorry Cindy she had to know. I thought that 'whole showing her what the world would be like if she hadn't been born' thing was too cliche to really do.
Moni
If you haven't seen, "It's a Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart, you are probably convinced I'm crazy now.
Wow, you leave for one weekend and things get weird. It seems like certain people are spending a lot of time on the forums that they could spend out in the world en femme... :police:
:angel:,
p
Quote from: p on May 22, 2017, 10:15:52 PM
Wow, you leave for one weekend and things get weird. It seems like certain people are spending a lot of time on the forums that they could spend out in the world en femme... :police:
:angel:,
p
WELL! I Never!
I just got back from spending 45 minutes out in the world en femme I'll have you know p. I took a walk and we 2.29 miles in the neighborhood and through a busy city park the was loaded with people I'll have you know!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FcwGnL4L.jpg&hash=5a013fa92000e6a0af2f4b915eb927594904ab32)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FYV0JUHv.jpg&hash=98e7b8177bd777eaa71271bc0c8bc505c642beb6)
I know, I know, I forgot to smile. It was 89 degrees still.
Hugs,
Laurie
Looks like you are doing it right. :)
I do a similar walk most days, if not otherwise engaged, just to get in a little exercise and give me a reason to clean up and get dressed. LOL!
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 22, 2017, 09:59:16 PM
There you are, Cindy. It blows my (little) mind that it is probably daytime where you are. I was thinking about you. I think the crowd is turning on me here. I see the towns folk with torches and pitchforks headed up the road to my house. I think it is time we tell Laurie the truth about Susan's Place and I wanted you to know before I did it. In fact I will do it right here, right now.
Laurie...oh Laurie. I know you are out there. Now listen girl, I need you to know something very important. Whenever a wayward soul comes on to Susan's, Cindy assigns them a guardian angel to keep them on track and in some cases kick them in their keister when they need it. So, now hold on to your hat and/or hair Girl. I was assigned as your guardian angel. (A somewhat fallen angel to be sure) In fact, Cindy saw such a need that she assigned you more than one. Davina, Sara, Georgette, Sadie, Randy... well, we were all assigned to you. We are all trying to earn our butterfly wings by helping you become the real you. It is a fact that every time you hear a cell phone ring or beep, a trans angel gets her/his wings. You have come so far and we are all proud of you. I told you I am getting GCS. I want to thank you for making it possible for Cindy to allow me to do it. Merry Christmas every one! And Laurie let's keep that hostility on low simmer shall we.
Sorry Cindy she had to know. I thought that 'whole showing her what the world would be like if she hadn't been born' thing was too cliche to really do.
Moni
If you haven't seen, "It's a Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart, you are probably convinced I'm crazy now.
Moni,
That is such a relief to know you all are my very own guardian angels. there there now. Easy girl. Those nice men won't hurt you. They're here to help you. It'll be alright dear. you won't even fee that shot and soon everything will be okay again.
I'm sorry Cindy, she gets this way every time she watches a Jimmy Stewart movie. You should see how she is with her imaginary rabbit friend. LMAO she says it's 6 feet tall and it's name is Harvey. LOL You just wouldn't believe...
Yes Cindy , you're right she should stop eating those cookies (biscuits for you foreigners) That Georgette has been baking, Just look how worried it made poor little p just now. I believe she was even ummm how do you say it? incontinent? yeah that's it, incontinent over this nonsense.
And then there's Randy, Sadie and Davina that she drags into the middle of it all. They are so gullible that they just don't know what to make over all this.
Well, they've got her now, giving her a ride back to the home, She's in good hands with all state now.
Oh by the by I took a 45 minute walk out into the big wide world, en femme yet, this evening and right though the busy city park where they were having some sort of event tonight. People everywhere! I just put my head down and plowed on through. I covered 2.3 miles in that time and it was 89 degrees out still.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Michelle_P on May 23, 2017, 12:05:01 AM
Looks like you are doing it right. :)
I do a similar walk most days, if not otherwise engaged, just to get in a little exercise and give me a reason to clean up and get dressed. LOL!
Thanks Michelle,
I try to get out for walk when the weather is nice, which it hasn't been much yet this year. I usually try 2-3 miles at a time but when I get my walking legs broke back in I can cover more miles. I think I di 7 one day last year. What was different this time was I did it in girly mode. ;D ;D ;D. I did almost the same distance yesterday and the legs feel a little better today.
Hugs,
Laurie
Wow, good for you Laurie getting out into the big wide world and everything.
So pleased for you girl, reminds me of this song by the "M" People ;D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tms-ayMYzb8
(Sadie to salon central........Looks like Davina has defected........Laurie has bribed her with choc chip cookies.......Over.
I here agent Cindy is recovering well and will soon have a say on 'project Laurie makeover'..........Makeover and out)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Laurie
Sounds like you getting into this walking thing. Me I just go to the gym and do about a hour on the treadmill, and another on the stationary bike. I need to get my aerobic exercise in.
When I was young and had to get used to being out with everyone, I would visit the monuments and museums here in WASH DC. The tourists had more than me to look at. They have many more museums and monuments now.
I can see it is getting late here, 0225 EDT. Have to get up early tomorrow, movie and groceries, and then out to the club (Taco Tuesday) at 6 till whenever. Took the day off today, out from 7 till midnight Sunday night.
No special cookies for a while. Have to cut back on cookies anyway, borderline Type 2 diabetic.
Quote from: Shy on May 23, 2017, 01:23:58 AM
Wow, good for you Laurie getting out into the big wide world and everything.
So pleased for you girl, reminds me of this song by the "M" People ;D
Sadie
Thank you for the song Sadie. I liked it enough to share in on my ,ale FB page.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Georgette on May 23, 2017, 01:28:41 AM
Laurie
Sounds like you getting into this walking thing. Me I just go to the gym and do about a hour on the treadmill, and another on the stationary bike. I need to get my aerobic exercise in.
When I was young and had to get used to being out with everyone, I would visit the monuments and museums here in WASH DC. The tourists had more than me to look at. They have many more museums and monuments now.
I can see it is getting late here, 0225 EDT. Have to get up early tomorrow, movie and groceries, and then out to the club (Taco Tuesday) at 6 till whenever. Took the day off today, out from 7 till midnight Sunday night.
No special cookies for a while. Have to cut back on cookies anyway, borderline Type 2 diabetic.
Hi Georgette,
I wouldn't know what to do in a gym if I went to one. Besides I like the outdoors when OI can be among trees and other growing things. I'm fortunate enough to live near a couple of decent city parks the have pathways to walk and usually not too many people. If I didn't have to drive far I would take my walks away from other people altogether. I'm anti social don't you know? I love being out in nature and hate being in cities. I uess I'm just a country girl at heart.
I understand about those cookies... I am a diabetic thanks to round two of my cancer battles. It took half my pancreas so I now get two shots a day of insulin and enzyme capsules with every meal. Such is life and I AM still alive, so it's a small price to pay. So yes I know about those delicious sweet sugary morsels and their effect on my blood sugar levels. *sigh*
Have a good day with the errands and a fun evening.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 22, 2017, 11:41:57 PM
WELL! I Never!
I just got back from spending 45 minutes out in the world en femme I'll have you know p. I took a walk and we 2.29 miles in the neighborhood and through a busy city park the was loaded with people I'll have you know!
Well done, Laurie! A great way to combine your exercise and your RLE. I love the pictures you took--that wig really suits you! And it seems like that park has some wonderful views.
Big hugs!,
p
Looking good on that RLE outing, cant do the walking due to a dodgy Achilles tendon . Would be hobbling for a few days after but I am a country girl as well. WHAT no biccys (cookies for you) life has no meaning and coffee is just to wet without one.
Quote from: p on May 23, 2017, 01:45:08 PM
Well done, Laurie! A great way to combine your exercise and your RLE. I love the pictures you took--that wig really suits you! And it seems like that park has some wonderful views.
Big hugs!,
p
p,
Thank you for the compliments. When I go shopping for a good wigs I'm thinking of getting a style along that line, maybe closer to my blond/grey hair color.
Those picture were not in the park but a wetlands area that runs along through the block I walked around. Where I stopped to take the picture is right about the one mile mark. The park is on one side of where I live a couple blocks away and the Tualatin river runs beside it. There is even a walking path that goes over it and another path that goes to another park. The river runs behind my apartment and there is another walking path that runs beside it, under the freeway to a dead end on the other end. It is mostly through a tree area. Eventually the path will be continued on to another park that has it's own gravel paths. It is nice to be able to walk amongst trees and shrubs even if it is withing the town limits.
I'm heading out for another walk soon.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: davina61 on May 23, 2017, 02:04:16 PM
Looking good on that RLE outing, cant do the walking due to a dodgy Achilles tendon . Would be hobbling for a few days after but I am a country girl as well. WHAT no biccys (cookies for you) life has no meaning and coffee is just to wet without one.
Thank you Davina,
I still have chocolate chip cookies left so I better go take another walk.
Hugs,
Laurie
I think I over did it today. I went a little further than I intended or was ready for. I''m pooped. 5 mile in 2 hours in male mode. Ir it nap time yet?
ugh,
Laurie
Here you go Sara,
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FZq55JFg.jpg&hash=10bd453ce6583f8328af063bcca1e82a37249bf0)
Now Moni, Sadie, Randy, Cindy , Liz, .. All of you these are for Sara! Don't eat them!
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 23, 2017, 07:23:38 PM
Here you go Sara,
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FZq55JFg.jpg&hash=10bd453ce6583f8328af063bcca1e82a37249bf0)
Now Moni, Sadie, Randy, Cindy , Liz, .. All of you these are for Sara! Don't eat them!
Hugs,
Laurie
Can my friend, Harvey have some?
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 23, 2017, 07:25:23 PM
Can my friend, Harvey have some?
Moni
::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)
Some pictures from my walk.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FJTWpWCM.jpg&hash=6b848c8371a2ca49c92eea71a9a03ff88ea1a7df)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FZhlmFcR.jpg&hash=d510f84c88bc5d1ce1158fd35b161103fea69b5c)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F2ttF6h8.jpg&hash=20ac4d39076e187c23f1831e2ee2fe2b05ced3dc)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FYwemN3V.jpg&hash=6a1a771e57cf09bade106014ed419d48bf0c1eb9)
Laurie,
All joking aside, I think you are making great progress. I am very happy for you. Your outdoors spot looks nice and peaceful.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 23, 2017, 08:45:44 PM
Laurie,
All joking aside, I think you are making great progress. I am very happy for you. Your outdoors spot looks nice and peaceful.
Moni
Thank you Moni,
These picture are just to show the places I have for my walks here by my apartment. They are so much nicer than walking through the businesses and some of the residential areas. They do have their peaceful spots where it's quiet and tranquil. Almost as if I didn't live right behind a fancy schmancy yuppie shopping area packed with people i can't relate to and shops that have nothing for me. Well maybe the nail salon someday...
How are you doing Moni? Are you getting apprehensive about your upcoming surgery? About driving you nuts? Oh wait it couldn't do that you are already there. lol Do you realize that the way things are going my road trip could put me in the area right smack when you won't be wanting visitors? It could happen...
I hope you are not starting to worry too much Moni.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 23, 2017, 09:03:00 PM
Thank you Moni,
These picture are just to show the places I have for my walks here by my apartment. They are so much nicer than walking through the businesses and some of the residential areas. They do have their peaceful spots where it's quiet and tranquil. Almost as if I didn't live right behind a fancy schmancy yuppie shopping area packed with people i can't relate to and shops that have nothing for me. Well maybe the nail salon someday...
How are you doing Moni? Are you getting apprehensive about your upcoming surgery? About driving you nuts? Oh wait it couldn't do that you are already there. lol Do you realize that the way things are going my road trip could put me in the area right smack when you won't be wanting visitors? It could happen...
I hope you are not starting to worry too much Moni.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie,
I am doing pretty good. I am awaiting confirmation that my surgeon has all she needs from me. Once that happens, I will relax even more. I am not worried about the surgery. I kind of think I am somewhat experienced for what might happen after the disaster surrounding my FFS surgery(s). I will do a lot of yard work after school (my job) is done in three weeks. Other than that, I have been enjoying joking with you and the other kids here. I think you have them convinced I am a little looney tunes. Starting to believe it myself, you do such a good job.
How about you, are you starting to feel more confident? Any more relaxed being out now?
If you are headed this way I would love to meet you, either here or the recovery house in Philly. That should give you a good laugh at the mess I will probably be at that point. Well I only get so much time before they get me back in my straight jacket, so I better end this. lol
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 23, 2017, 09:31:41 PM
Laurie,
I am doing pretty good. I am awaiting confirmation that my surgeon has all she needs from me. Once that happens, I will relax even more. I am not worried about the surgery. I kind of think I am somewhat experienced for what might happen after the disaster surrounding my FFS surgery(s). I will do a lot of yard work after school (my job) is done in three weeks. Other than that, I have been enjoying joking with you and the other kids here. I think you have them convinced I am a little looney tunes. Starting to believe it myself, you do such a good job.
How about you, are you starting to feel more confident? Any more relaxed being out now?
If you are headed this way I would love to meet you, either here or the recovery house in Philly. That should give you a good laugh at the mess I will probably be at that point. Well I only get so much time before they get me back in my straight jacket, so I better end this. lol
Moni
Moni,
I'll have you know I didn't have to do much convincing the other ladies as to your mental state. You've done such a good job at that yourself. I just provided a scosh (little bit) of reinforcement to help you solidify their suspicions.
I'm glad to hear you are somewhat under control in regards to the big event itself if not elsewhere.
As for "are you starting to feel more confident? Any more relaxed being out now?" the only answer is HECK NO!!!! I am terrified to see how someone reacts to me walking by so I look elsewhere or keep my head down. My heart goes into AFib when I see I am approaching someone and nearly into cardiac arrest when I saw so many people at the park and that I had to actually walk among them to get through. It was Terrifying!! I mean I was there in broad daylight! What the heck was I thinking?
Yep, that about summed it up for you. One on one with someone that knows already is one thing but to be out among people that don't is completely different.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie, one of the nicest things about going for a walk is that you get outside, a bit less isolated and a bit more reconnected with the human race.
Here's a secret for you! The other people out there are not playing "spot the transwoman." It is unlikely in the course of a day that they even think about trans people existing. They are far more concerned with not tripping over their own feet as they walk, not bumping into others, and just making it through their day.
As long as you don't draw too much attention with inappropriate presentation, nobody will look twice at you. (And if you go for a walk in the park wearing a cocktail dress or evening gown expect to be stared at and clocked! Valuable tip there! [emoji6])
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Don't fret, at some point, you will wonder why you ever worried. I read a book on fear that helped me out a lot. If you imagine the worst case scenario, say someone says something stupid to you. Whatever that thing might be for you, personally. Then ask if it happens, can I handle it. If it ain't gonna kill you, go into it saying to yourself that you can handle even the worst. Most likely, you will see nothing close to the worst.
Moni
I did do a good job of crazying myself up, didn't I?
Quote from: Michelle_P on May 23, 2017, 09:57:42 PM
Laurie, one of the nicest things about going for a walk is that you get outside, a bit less isolated and a bit more reconnected with the human race.
Here's a secret for you! The other people out there are not playing "spot the transwoman." It is unlikely in the course of a day that they even think about trans people existing. They are far more concerned with not tripping over their own feet as they walk, not bumping into others, and just making it through their day.
As long as you don't draw too much attention with inappropriate presentation, nobody will look twice at you. (And if you go for a walk in the park wearing a cocktail dress or evening gown expect to be stared at and clocked! Valuable tip there! [emoji6])
Michelle,
Thank you for the pep talk, it is appreciated, I know those things, I really do. From all my times driving en femme when I was just a crossdresser I have understood the theory of hiding in plain sight. However inside I haven't been able to convince myself of the truth in it. Call me paranoid but being seen, scares me. I could possibly pass a thousand people an not get a reaction but I fear that one person that will. Kids scare me more than adults because they have no filters to keep it to themselves where and adult may clock me and say nothing. It only takes one.
This is a clear case where my mind has no control over it mattering.
On my walk today I saw less people than I did yesterday but I could not leave the apartment en femme because we had a number of contract workers coming and going to their trucks which were parked right outside my apartment. Most have likely seen me dressed en femme through the windows as I was in the kitchen cooking breakfast with and without a wig. I'm sure most if not all have seen me yet I could not bring myself to go outside dressed in front of them. Irrational I know but it is what it is.
Hugs,
Laurie
Whatever you've been doing these past few months Laurie keep doing it. Geez you've achieved so much in such a short space of time. You've certainly inspired and helped me to move forward :)
The cross over point between yourself and hiding away isn't a gaping chasm or a raging tempest, the playground of Gods and monsters. That's the controlling illusion of social expectation. In reality it's a hare's breath away, a blink of an eye, a quiet whisper that says "it's o.k. to be me" :)
Thing is with teenagers I was terrified of them before my social transition and I'm terrified of them now, nothing's changed there. ;D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Laurie, I think you are doing great.
Going for walks is a really good exercise. Oh, the physical exercise helps, but the real exercise is in exposing ourselves to the outside world, practicing what we know in theory to be true, and desensitizing ourselves to that ancient 'fear of being caught'.
You and I both know that almost nobody is playing 'spot the transperson' out there, but we still fear it, and the imagined consequences ("Invasion of the Body Snatchers"; all the pod people turn, point at us at the same time, and hiss!). Even if noticed, the worst that usually happens is we get a dirty look from someone. Meh...
By getting out in the world every day and just going about our business we desensitize ourselves to the inappropriate fears, and eventually are just experienceing the 'normal' fears any woman has when out in the world. *SIGH*
Morning ladies,
Thank you both for the continued pep talks and praise. It's nice to read that others think you are doing well and it keeps the incentive fresh.
Sadie,
I think you give me too much credit. You do what you yourself are wanting to do. It's not a competition. We each have our goals and yes they do overlap in them, but when it comes down to it we do things at our own pace when we push ourselves out of that cozy comfort zone. By doing so we grow within ourselves. Sure others help by encouraging us and gentle nudging or down right cajoling and it all helps us move forward, but it's you foot that has to move, your weight that shifts, that propels you into that next step. No one does that for another. You do it yourself, Sadie. And you have been making big strides recently. Keep it up.
Michelle,
I like your colorful imaging. Invasion of the body snatchers indeed. Something or someone has invaded my body and mind since December. It's taken over my life and has a life of it's own. All it's taken is some acceptance of what I am and who I want to be. I'm still working on that though. That one thing has led to another and another and with the help of you ladies I keep moving forward. Your description sound a lot like those awful zombie shows and movies. There has never been a good one in my opinion. I'm see them arm outstretched (the other arm is usually broken or missing parts if not altogether) mouths open and drooling while hissing at the victim and I laugh at the sheer absurdity of it.
My idea of zombie is more like the voodoo variety. A poor soul controlled by an evil voodoo priest. Hey! That sounds a lot like me when I leave home en femme to do your (all of Susan's denizens) biddings doesn't it? LOL I'll get there someday Michelle. Thanks.
Hugs,
Laurie
I've been mostly away for awhile, but fun to touch base and see what is going on in this thread. I'm glad to see the biting ("joking" ha) has subsided. You people are all such supportive, positive people, even when you pretend not to be.
Laurie, I'm looking forward to your trip, whenever it happens (as long as it's not after July 3, when I have my own trip). Moni, good luck with the surgery anticipation.
Getting out in the world, lady, you are doing it! Yes, terrifying, but as Michelle says, most people really aren't paying attention to you. I've had the same feeling, and nobody has yet said a word.
Randy
Quote from: RandyL on May 24, 2017, 11:09:30 PM
I've been mostly away for awhile, but fun to touch base and see what is going on in this thread. I'm glad to see the biting ("joking" ha) has subsided. You people are all such supportive, positive people, even when you pretend not to be.
Laurie, I'm looking forward to your trip, whenever it happens (as long as it's not after July 3, when I have my own trip). Moni, good luck with the surgery anticipation.
Getting out in the world, lady, you are doing it! Yes, terrifying, but as Michelle says, most people really aren't paying attention to you. I've had the same feeling, and nobody has yet said a word.
Randy
Well hello there Randy,
I was beginning to think you had gotten lost again. Yes, Moni and the others have settled down somewhat but you better believe I am going to keep an eye on her. Liz is MIA (I think she is off partying) Sadie has gone wild with her new found playground she claims is a salon. I'm the only normal one around here. But you knew that already.
Yes I have been out strolling nervously through the neighborhood. In fact I did it again this evening. I went back through the park again like I did before only this time it wasn't packed with people. There were some there but not that many. Still I did have to walk past quite a few. The first heart in throat time was going past a group og guys hanging out on both sides of the path. I lower my head and plowed on through. I didn't hear a word from them, nor any others that I walked by today. It was still a bit nerve racking but no where near what I felt on Monday. I even walk a bit further and a little longer doing 3.1 miles in 1 hr 10 minutes. I know no big deal but it is burning more calories than sitting in this chair chatting with you. Anyway I did make it home safely again and am reporting my escapades like a good girl.
That's about all for this evening.
Hugs,
Laurie
Sorry I forgot the proof:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FwXtGlzK.jpg&hash=592855e384dfb5a9ca930303179276182fda5d01)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FDcxEYUu.jpg&hash=717f52b37c6e545d1a20ef15ee44c7357a0f7d4b)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FPCHHk3t.jpg&hash=b0777c3e0f56177b59c40f1f32738e7043bdc021)
Dear Laurie,
I'm not sure if you noticed but there appears to be a rather large rabbit sitting in the front seat of the red car behind you.
I was going to shout out but my voice doesn't carry from more than a few feet away.
Quote from: Cindy on May 25, 2017, 03:17:09 AM
Dear Laurie,
I'm not sure if you noticed but there appears to be a rather large rabbit sitting in the front seat of the red car behind you.
I was going to shout out but my voice doesn't carry from more than a few feet away.
Hi Cindy,
You have a voice again!!! Now did they teach you how to talk with it or are they giving everyone you know there an extended break? Carrying or not I'm betting you are overjoyed to be able to make yourself heard once again.
Oh you mean Harvey! Yeah, Moni sends him out to follow me around and keep an eye on my. He seems harmless still. Honestly I didn't know he could drive. Hmm I wonder if he has a license... probably not. Oh well anyway, Yeah I see him pop in and out at the edges of my vision. You can't see him if you try to look straight at him.
BTW Cindy what have you done with Liz? She seems a little quiet since getting back from that reunion. I do hope it went well for her, It sounded like she was so looking forward to it and then she's been kinda quiet. Missing her as I do you when you make yourself scarce.
Did you shout for joy when they gave you permission to talk again?
Hugs,
Laurie
Messing about on the river eh? All dressed up eh? Seeing invisible white rabbits eh? Stomping through groups of strangers eh?
Good for you for getting the exercise in, physically and mentally. Never a dull moment for us girls eh?
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on May 25, 2017, 11:06:59 AM
Messing about on the river eh? All dressed up eh? Seeing invisible white rabbits eh? Stomping through groups of strangers eh?
Good for you for getting the exercise in, physically and mentally. Never a dull moment for us girls eh?
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hi Sadie,
The rabbit is Moni's doing. Yeah I was of of the apartment again tempting fate. I survive one again unscathed.
They tell me someday I might be able to go outside dress as I prefer with fear. I'm not sure I should believe such nonsense talk though.
Laurie
Wait? What did you do with Laurie?
Laurie, a year ago I was in your exact position. I had gone out as myself to therapy, once to a Starbucks by therapy, and once to an Ulta store. I was scared to death to do that.
Seven months ago I came out to everyone, and went full time. Since then, well...
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170525/3e55971bedd7aefa2c9c91e4a06d3060.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170525/501a9c019d2c6d783bf287d3680b148f.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170525/8f041020b4eda117f633492d1d0d221f.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170525/56d1981a2fa340f71fd6f4a592e4e3c8.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170525/8ffae7d6d18240698bd28f4b6cd55f04.jpg)
Oh, notice how I tend to smile? I didn't do that at all 16 months ago.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Quote from: Michelle_P on May 25, 2017, 11:37:12 AM
Laurie, a year ago I was in your exact position. I had gone out as myself to therapy, once to a Starbucks by therapy, and once to an Ulta store. I was scared to death to do that.
Seven months ago I came out to everyone, and went full time. Since then, well...
Morning Michelle,
Fine! Oh great! You're telling me in 7 months I'll be making public appearances and giving presentations?
That's It then, I'm becoming a recluse, a hermit.
LOL I see what you're doing the Michelle, trying to bolster my confidence and offering encouragement. Well I'm having none of it you hear me? Just kidding of course. Thank you Michelle. I'm working on it.
At the moment I'm coming and going to the laundry room at my apartment. I'm wearing my black athletic shoes with purple trim and laces. ladies boot cut jeans, a bra, guy T shirt and CZ stud earrings. Clear polish on my long nails and one day's growth on my face in prep for a 2 hour electrocution on Saturday.
And the place is crawling with contract workers all over out there.
See? I'm working on it.
Hugs,
Laurie
I think I am seeing a smile creep across your face in some of those last pictures, Laurie--and how nice it is to see! So glad that these walks have been going well for you. Big hugs!, P
Quote from: p on May 25, 2017, 03:48:30 PM
I think I am seeing a smile creep across your face in some of those last pictures, Laurie--and how nice it is to see! So glad that these walks have been going well for you. Big hugs!, P
Hey p, Thanks!
Smile? Oh that, I was just following orders from others when I first posted a couple pictures. (They chewed me out for not smiling)
How are you doing p? Haven't heard much from you lately. Can't have you off hiding in a corner.
Hugs,
Laurie
That wasn't a smile, it was just gas.
Oh wait, she's a bit older than that ;)
Love Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Quote from: Shy on May 25, 2017, 11:06:59 AM
Messing about on the river eh? All dressed up eh? Seeing invisible white rabbits eh? Stomping through groups of strangers eh?
Good for you for getting the exercise in, physically and mentally. Never a dull moment for us girls eh?
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
No one said he was 'white' Sadie. How do you know that? And yes Cindy, he does drive a red sports car. Hey wait a minute, I think my rabbit has been stepping out on me. What's the world coming to when you can't trust your own pooka.
Michelle and Laurie, pictures are awesome. Laurie, the first time you are called 'Ma'am' you will love it. Has it happened yet, Ma'am?
Laurie, doctor got my check, they accepted my labs and pre-op results, and in a few days it will be a month away.
Hi to all!
Moni
Quote from: RandyL on May 24, 2017, 11:09:30 PM
I've been mostly away for awhile, but fun to touch base and see what is going on in this thread. I'm glad to see the biting ("joking" ha) has subsided. You people are all such supportive, positive people, even when you pretend not to be.
Laurie, I'm looking forward to your trip, whenever it happens (as long as it's not after July 3, when I have my own trip). Moni, good luck with the surgery anticipation.
Getting out in the world, lady, you are doing it! Yes, terrifying, but as Michelle says, most people really aren't paying attention to you. I've had the same feeling, and nobody has yet said a word.
Randy
Thanks Randy! Missed you!
Moni
Laurie
Good to see you getting exercise and just a little getting used to the idea of being out there. I can understand most of the fears in the first year or so.
I was lucky that I had a couple of friends to share with. We went to clubs at night on the weekends. But I worked shift work a lot and started to go out in the daytime. It was a very scary time. People would sometimes gawk or I would hear comments. But it was something I had to do.
I would steel myself and my confidence would grow over time. I think ones confidence makes all the difference.
Even later after SRS I would have apprehension when just meeting men, as I am told I looked pretty good. A lot of men look at a nice looking woman and would wine and dine you at times.
Nowadays it can be good or bad, depending on where you live. Back then there were so few of us, people didn't much think about it.
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 25, 2017, 10:22:10 PM
Michelle and Laurie, pictures are awesome. Laurie, the first time you are called 'Ma'am' you will love it. Has it happened yet, Ma'am?
Laurie, doctor got my check, they accepted my labs and pre-op results, and in a few days it will be a month away.
Hi to all!
Moni
Hi Moni,
Is it just me or do you seem rushed lately? Hey! Made your down payment, submitted the title request with proof of oil change and other maintenance!
WoW! You're all set, poise ready to go. Start the count down! Moni is about to launch!! Stand back and watch the sparks fly!!
Getting butterflies yet?
No Ma'am. No one has Ma'amed me yet nor used she/her or even it other than my gender therapist. I have had two ask what name I wanted them to use and I've told them as long as I am presenting male my male name will be it. That is what I told my therapist too but that day I showed up dressed he used Laurie to me and her/she in his reports. I must admit it felt weird hearing it and seeing it in writing. Not good or bad just weird.
No walk tonight. I'm taking it easy as I have a red sore spot next to my big toe nail that may be trouble brewing as the nail is grown in somewhat there and I think it may have cut a bit from all the walking lately. It is at least aggravated some from the walking. I've walked over 12 miles since Sunday. That's a little more than my 0.02 mile cold / wet weather average.
I did however wander to and fro in the apartments with earrings, bra, guy t shirt (yes the boobs are noticeable now, especially with the bra ), women's jeans and woman's athletic shoes and socks. no wig or makeup though. But I had to come and go doing laundry (3 loads), checking mail, etc with contract workers doing their thing all around. None of them said a thing that I know of. By the time I was done they no longer bothered me by their being there.
I'm in fuzzy grow mode getting ready for 2 hours on Saturday so outings will be curtailed until I can shave again.
Uneventful day for the most part.
hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Georgette on May 25, 2017, 11:06:41 PM
Laurie
Good to see you getting exercise and just a little getting used to the idea of being out there. I can understand most of the fears in the first year or so.
I was lucky that I had a couple of friends to share with. We went to clubs at night on the weekends. But I worked shift work a lot and started to go out in the daytime. It was a very scary time. People would sometimes gawk or I would hear comments. But it was something I had to do.
I would steel myself and my confidence would grow over time. I think ones confidence makes all the difference.
Even later after SRS I would have apprehension when just meeting men, as I am told I looked pretty good. A lot of men look at a nice looking woman and would wine and dine you at times.
Nowadays it can be good or bad, depending on where you live. Back then there were so few of us, people didn't much think about it.
Hi Georgette,
Yeah I know about that nerving fear. I feel it whenever I approach someone or have to make my way through a group of people when I'm out walking. I'm working on it though. It's going to take time.
I don't have friends close by. Don't have many friends at all for that matter. So I have to do this by myself for the most part. That's okay I'm used to it. I've been a loner for a long, long time. I honestly think I would prefer to have been a hermit if I could have. Living alone away from others is a good defense against hurt. Hurt for oneself, and from hurting others. If you don't let others get close to you they cannot hurt you. But then when someone does get close, even their caring for you can hurt. Better to just keep people away. Enough of that nonsense!
I worked on some of that public fear today and it's in the previous post.
Thanks for the pep talk Georgette, I hope you are doing well with your partying friends. Make sure you get enough sleep. You're not as young as you used to be you know.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie
Taking a needed night off, plus we have some big storms come through and didn't feel like going out in them.
Being a hermit is not a way to live ones life. I was that way when young, figured if no one got close to me no one would know about my gender confusion. Don't know if you have any TG/TS support groups nearby, but they can be a wealth of knowledge and support.
But I met someone, another MtF (later to become partners for 38 years), we went through all this together. HRT - social transitioning - got our ears pierced at the same time - Name change - coming out to family and work - SRS about 5-6 months apart. We always had each others back through good and bad.
Since she died in 2014 I am facing an uncertain future, but don't want to become a hermit again. I have met many new TS and CDs and many in the LGBT community. I have one Pre TS friend (I call her a kid because she is just 1-2 years younger), and we have become close girl BFF I hope. We can talk about everything/anything. She is fun to be with and I get her to open up to her fears and push her to be more outgoing. She has been on HRT for a couple of years now.
Oh and by the way, I tend to be a nit picker, and you have used the name Georgia a couple of times. I know my name is long at times but I worked hard for that name and don't like nicknames, and have found it to be very uncommon if not rare. A lot of people I meet remember it from my outings at the clubs (almost like Cher one name). I'm sure you don't do it on purpose, and no need to apologize. You still seem to be finding your name, and when you do legally change it you will be proud of it.
Good morning Laurie :)
Have a lovely day :)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Georgette on May 26, 2017, 12:51:04 AM
you have used the name Georgia a couple of times. ... I worked hard for that name and don't like nicknames, and have found it to be very uncommon if not rare. A lot of people I meet remember it from my outings at the clubs (almost like Cher one name). ....... I'm sure you don't do it on purpose, and no need to apologize.
Good morning Georgette.
You may not think I need to apologize but I do. The fact that you mentioned it tells me I should.
I am sorry about shortening your name.
Your name is not too long and it is not due to laziness that I shortened it, Nor was I trying to us a nickname for you. I know all about disliking nicknames. I detested growing up being called Len, Leo,or the worst one Lenny. I hated it!
You are correct that I don't do it on purpose. I tried to think back to when I may have called you Georgia and I could not! So I went looking and sure enough it is right there in my last response to you, big as life!
To be honest with you I have become worried about things like this. I have noticed other thing that concern me in regards to typing on the keyboard. My typos for instance are very frequently made by my fingers hitting the letter next to the one I want. And this is with me looking right at the keyboard as in 40+ years of using keyboard in working and at home I never learned to type. Another thing is I swear my fingers have a mind of their own in that they will type words that I was not thinking of typing at all as I type something. It happens enough that I fear there may be something going on in my head I don't want to know about.
I assure you Georgia was not what I meant to type. Given what I've seen it is likely to happen again and I am sorry for doing it if it does happen. Now that I am aware I am doing it , I will try to be more vigilant.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Shy on May 26, 2017, 02:01:37 AM
Good morning Laurie :)
Have a lovely day :)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Why Thank you Sadie. That was sweet of you to do.
Alas I'm not so thoughtful and doing such things seldom cross my mind if ever.
It could very well be my innate lack of social skills
I wish you a good morning and a very good day also my friend. ((( Hug)))
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 26, 2017, 09:24:10 AM
To be honest with you I have become worried about things like this. I have noticed other thing that concern me in regards to typing on the keyboard. My typos for instance are very frequently made by my fingers hitting the letter next to the one I want. And this is with me looking right at the keyboard as in 40+ years of using keyboard in working and at home I never learned to type. Another thing is I swear my fingers have a mind of their own in that they will type words that I was not thinking of typing at all as I type something. It happens enough that I fear there may be something going on in my head I don't want to know about.
I know all about the weird typos! I make a few that are just poor coordination, such as when I hold down the Shift key too long with my pinkie and get several letters capitalized. But a lot of my typos are phonetic!! I'll type F instead of V, T instead of D, or P instead of B, or vice versa. F and V, I could see as a finger slip, but P and B?? That's just weird!
It makes me wonder if I am missing a few marbles.
Quote from: KathyLauren on May 26, 2017, 09:46:27 AM
I know all about the weird typos! I make a few that are just poor coordination, such as when I hold down the Shift key too long with my pinkie and get several letters capitalized. But a lot of my typos are phonetic!! I'll type F instead of V, T instead of D, or P instead of B, or vice versa. F and V, I could see as a finger slip, but P and B?? That's just weird!
It makes me wonder if I am missing a few marbles.
Hi Kathy,
You remind me of the one I forgot. I can almost understand the letter next to the one I want, or even typing a word I didn't intend... but then there are the gibberish of letters that have no place in the word I intended to type and are no where near the letters I wanted. I can spell fairly well and even look up words to check spelling if I am unsure, but some of these defy reason. That's why I fear there could be a medical cause.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 26, 2017, 10:29:01 AM
Hi Kathy,
You remind me of the one I forgot. I can almost understand the letter next to the one I want, or even typing a word I didn't intend... but then there are the gibberish of letters that have no place in the word I intended to type and are no where near the letters I wanted. I can spell fairly well and even look up words to check spelling if I am unsure, but some of these defy reason. That's why I fear there could be a medical cause.
Hugs,
Laurie
I think it's called getting old Laurie. Yup it happens to the best of us :D
Often I type letters diametrically opposite on the keyboard. "L" becomes "A" for instance. I also put a teabag in the washing machine and detergent in my teacup. I end up in a rooms with no idea how I got there and loose time sometimes, but I blame that on aliens and their damn probes. ;D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on May 26, 2017, 12:06:29 PM
I think it's called getting old Laurie. Yup it happens to the best of us :D
Often I type letters diametrically opposite on the keyboard. "L" becomes "A" for instance. I also put a teabag in the washing machine and detergent in my teacup. I end up in a rooms with no idea how I got there and loose time sometimes, but I blame that on aliens and their damn probes. ;D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hi Sadie,
"I also put a teabag in the washing machine and detergent in my teacup. ????
I'm not that bad! I did put ocean saltwater in the Ops office coffee pot once. The commander was not pleased but the division watch didn't have to make the morning's coffee we were not allowed to partake of any more. His yeoman got the job from there on out.
Getting older is a possibility I suppose though I'm not ready to accept that yet.
Aliens probing? Sounds a bit kinky to me. I don't allow those that visit me to do such things.
Hugs,
Laurie
Glad I'm not the only one who goes around with tea coloured undies an coughs bubbles ;D
Geez you mind Laurie, I was referring to brain probes. Any funny business and them aliens get sent right back to the forbidden planet. With a hug mind you and possibly a nice cup of soapy tea.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hey Laurie! You were asking how things are going, so I thought I would offer a little update [editor's note: it has grown to novella-length...you asked for it, L!]. I had a couple of firsts last weekend--first time out to dinner & theater on Saturday since coming out. I did a blowout on my hair for the first time and did a full face of makeup. I wore this little poncho-ish boat-neck top I have--really not sure what to call it, a cape, maybe?--with my black jeggings and black heels. My mother-in-law and I were waiting for the rest of our party to arrive and we were asking if we "ladies would like a drink from the bar while we wait?" I was about ready to call it a night then--mission accomplished, right? Dinner was good, then off to the theater. You would have thought I was the main attraction in the lobby of the theater--a much older crowd there and I was drawing many stares. My clothes and makeup were very conservative, but I think I unfortunately still draw quite a bit of attention, perhaps due to my lack of certain attributes in the chest area. Perhaps they are drawn in by my good looks and only linger once they discover something seems a little off? My husband likes to tell me that at least. At any rate, I was glad to take my seat. Show was great, so overall a good night.
I had my first outing in a dress last Sunday--went out for brunch in Brooklyn with some friends who were visiting for the weekend. The dress is a belted chambray shirt-dress with a lovely full skirt. I could almost convince myself that I had hips & a tush. I paired it with pearl necklace & earrings (imitations, of course) and nude wedges. We wandered over to a bar by the water and had a couple of drinks. It was lots of fun and the dress was a totally new experience. Made me want to sing "I feel pretty..." We were in the Williamsburg area, so no one batted an eyelash--just a boring trans lady among the daring dressers and sundry creative types of Brooklyn. Ended up walking 2 miles in heels, though, and then standing on the bus for a half hour on the way home, so my dogs were barking by the end of the day.
Just booked travel for this summer. Will be visiting my small, conservative hometown for the first time since coming out. I am a little nervous about that, especially since I am not out on social media where most of my hometown friends & I keep up with each other. After the trip home, it's off to Maine 7/22 - 29, would love to catch up with you there if the timing works with your trip. The city we go to is very popular with the LGBTQ crowd.
Rereading this, I have to just say that I am not as terribly spoiled as this post makes me sound--this is basically all the fanciest stuff that happens in my life wrapped up into one post! Most weekends it's just me and the hubby at home, and we almost never eat out or buy drinks (we are frugal to a fault--on previous trips to NY we have packed PBJs and our own liquor; classy, I know!). But at any rate, I was a fancy lady for a weekend and it felt good for the most part. One of these days I will work up the nerve to post a photo--they really are worth a thousand words.
Hugs,
P :-*
Hi p,
It sounds like you had a "Marvelous" time. I'm sure the attention was not the negative attention you think it was. Your outfit for Saturday sounded nice and likely appropriate for the evening out. Sunday also sound to be a good day with friends and I can understand you feeling being out in a nice dress. (Someday I'll have to try it) I just bought a nice white chiffon top white a black of navy floral silhouette print and a black skirt with the same print in white. Together they make a nice outfit if I wear my black heels, some evening makeup, and a bit of bling. If only I had somewhere to wear it. *sigh*
A trip back to your hometown sounds interesting, I hope that goes really well for you but I'll bet it's making you a bit apprehensive. You can do it and it should be fun for you too.
Thank you for filling me in on your escapades. ((Hug))
Hugs,
Laurie
Yes I'm sure trip to hometown will be fine--things are always worse in my imagination than they end up being in real life.
That sounds like a really lovely outfit you just bought. And as for a place to wear it, I'm sure the ladies of Susan's could suggest certain activities--you're practically begging us to dare you out of the house for a night on the town (or even out for a dreaded m-word!) ;)
Big hugs!,
P
Quote from: p on May 27, 2017, 12:06:54 AM
Yes I'm sure trip to hometown will be fine--things are always worse in my imagination than they end up being in real life.
That sounds like a really lovely outfit you just bought. And as for a place to wear it, I'm sure the ladies of Susan's could suggest certain activities--you're practically begging us to dare you out of the house for a night on the town (or even out for a dreaded m-word!) ;)
Big hugs!,
P
OMG p!! Don't you go starting another quest or go giving these nags ideas. ** eyes roll ** I thought you were on my side. ** sigh **
Hugs,
Laurie
Did someone mention the "M" word, did they? did they? I'm sure I got a ping on the "M"dar. Time to give Laurie a nudge once she gets back from sticking her head in a bees nest for two hours.
And look at what p's been up to, going out all dressed up in her glad rags.
Hi Laurie, how dit go at the electrocutioner?
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie.
Morning/Afternoon Laurie
This thread/topic has given me a chance to get to know others here in a fun/joking style.
Did not mean to make a big deal on name. The only people I let slide on nicknames is family. To most all there I am Georgy. After coming out to my mother/family my mother would sing that song "Georgy Girl", it is actually an apropos song for me, I never really talked to her about it but feel she was very happy for me. It explained all my younger/teen years confusion, and I took control of my life.
But in our family we use similar nicknames for all. Have had 2 friends where usage in chat and such refer to me as GP or GG. The GP comes from fn/mn Georgette Paula, the GG is from the hard consonant accents in name.
I understand the problems with typos. I got nail extensions/acrylic (close to 1/2 inch now) last year and my typing skills have suffered considerably. I went to Catholic grades 1-8, and the sisters/nuns were tough on spelling/grammar. It will take me forever when typing stuff, as I go over things multiple times looking for errors.
I don't intend to give up on helping you to get out there and enjoy your life. Have many friends now that are just starting out, and the only thing I can help with is the getting out and support. Many (from 20s-60s) have said that my life gives them hope and inspiration in proceeding.
tried to reply last night but internet was cutting out, wrote this 3 times so a bit behind - We aul mack spealing mistacks ,I comfuse speal chaker sumtimes . Doesn't help as slightly dyslexic. So went grocery shopping and ended up getting a bright blue and a green nail varnish, went to M&S and bought some undies and a push up 38A bra (man boobs fit) then into a clothes shop and found a T shirt of the female kind with the logo "girls forever men whatever" but its printed on the inside so is a "ghost" image. Like you walking /cooking in my flat in ladies white T , bra and breast forms and a mid thigh denim skirt. Its been HOT here 30deg C and have been on holiday this week but working on my VW panel van, welding new front wheel arch in and sweat running in my eyes. Tweaked a muscle in my back and caught a cold of manager at work. for to day hows the bearded lady doing , hope not to painfull.
Hi Folks,
I see I have mail !! I will have to get back to you all later as the face is slathered with goo and I'm off to enjoy (*cough cough*) my 2 hours of facial torture.
Hugs,
Laurie
Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition
Quote from: Shy on May 27, 2017, 12:01:26 PM
Did someone mention the "M" word, did they? did they? I'm sure I got a ping on the "M"dar. Time to give Laurie a nudge once she gets back from sticking her head in a bees nest for two hours.
And look at what p's been up to, going out all dressed up in her glad rags.
Hi Laurie, how dit go at the electrocutioner?
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie.
Evening Sadie,
I Have absolutely no idea what you could be talking about in that first line of gibberish you wrote. Whateva are you going on about?
Yes, Sadie, it does appear our little p was out and about strutting her stuff doesn't it? Good for her!
In answer to your inquiry about beehives... Yes today was one of those days. I forget to drown myself yesterday but tried to make up for it this morning before having to go see Christina. She noticed the difference in hydration immediately and asked if I remembered to drink lots of water the day before an appointment? Busted !!. I also tried to make it to the session without saran wrap, another thing that did not work *sigh*, yup, it was almost dry when I arrived and I forgot to bring the EMLA cream with me. I did take 2 ibuprofen anbout 45 minutes before though, Not sure it helped.
All was going well and she used had a higher setting than last time, I was numbed fairly well. She worked on my cheek in toward the corner of my mouth and worked up to the right side mustache area. It was in that area when the numbing went away completely. With the numbing gone, the area being worked on, and the higher setting I found myself clenching my teeth quite a bit. Before my two hours were up, yes it hurt, more than it did last time.
When she finishes the zapping she does a soothing / skin calming thing by using a tool hooked up to the machine with a roller on the end. On this roller she wraps a towelette strip that she wets with witch hazel. She then roll the area worked on with it. She called this procedure a name starting with a "c" bit I can't remember it. Doing so feels good while calming the skin and soothes it. She finished by applying a moisturizer to the area..2.5 hours after my face is no longer red, dry, and only a few small bumps of swelling. So all is well again.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Georgette on May 27, 2017, 12:43:38 PM
Morning/Afternoon Laurie
This thread/topic has given me a chance to get to know others here in a fun/joking style.
Did not mean to make a big deal on name. The only people I let slide on nicknames is family. To most all there I am Georgy. After coming out to my mother/family my mother would sing that song "Georgy Girl", it is actually an apropos song for me, I never really talked to her about it but feel she was very happy for me. It explained all my younger/teen years confusion, and I took control of my life.
It will take me forever when typing stuff, as I go over things multiple times looking for errors.
I don't intend to give up on helping you to get out there and enjoy your life. Have many friends now that are just starting out, and the only thing I can help with is the getting out and support. Many (from 20s-60s) have said that my life gives them hope and inspiration in proceeding.
Hi Georgette,
It pleases me to know you like the lighthearted tone of my thread. Life seems to go so much easier with a bit of humor That and it reflects the way I try to be socially.
I remember that song well and the movie too. It's cool you think it relates well to you personally. But hey lady, we sure are showing our age yakking about it. You know, reminiscing on the "good ol' days". *sigh*
I welcome the friendship Georgette, and heaven knows I can used all the help I can get! lol.
Do try to get some rest from all the nightlife you and your girlfriends enjoy.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: davina61 on May 27, 2017, 01:07:51 PM
tried to reply last night but internet was cutting out, wrote this 3 times so a bit behind - We aul mack spealing mistacks ,I comfuse speal chaker sumtimes . Doesn't help as slightly dyslexic. So went grocery shopping and ended up getting a bright blue and a green nail varnish, went to M&S and bought some undies and a push up 38A bra (man boobs fit) then into a clothes shop and found a T shirt of the female kind with the logo "girls forever men whatever" but its printed on the inside so is a "ghost" image. Like you walking /cooking in my flat in ladies white T , bra and breast forms and a mid thigh denim skirt. Its been HOT here 30deg C and have been on holiday this week but working on my VW panel van, welding new front wheel arch in and sweat running in my eyes. Tweaked a muscle in my back and caught a cold of manager at work. for to day hows the bearded lady doing , hope not to painfull.
Hi Davina,
You and your blues, greens and purple nail polish. I normally see those on toes around here. I like my pinks and reds thank you. The temp here is much like you're having there. We hit 32.2C here today and yes a dress or skirt are much cooler in weather like that. Shorts are nice to wear too. I am waiting for a new bra and new shorts to arrive from JC Penny's now. I don't dare wear shorts outside though as it would blind everyone exposing my white legs.
Back pains and colds are no fun Lady, I think you should dispense with them ASAP.
Hugs,
Laurie
Glad the torture went well Laurie. I'm still nursing my stings, it's really thrown me to be honest. The squirrels loved it and now there's a rabbit in the mix hopping about on the side lines confusing me, it's been one of those weeks . I've found a new electrocutioner now, so hopefully I can put the whole sorry episode behind me.
Next time I think I'll go in a beehive wig being a cosmic 60's child 'n' all. As long as I don't start doing the twist or the mashed potato I think I might just get away with pacifying those pesky bees ;D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on May 28, 2017, 02:05:58 AM
Glad the torture went well Laurie. I'm still nursing my stings, it's really thrown me to be honest. The squirrels loved it and now there's a rabbit in the mix hopping about on the side lines confusing me, it's been one of those weeks . I've found a new electrocutioner now, so hopefully I can put the whole sorry episode behind me.
Next time I think I'll go in a beehive wig being a cosmic 60's child 'n' all. As long as I don't start doing the twist or the mashed potato I think I might just get away with pacifying those pesky bees ;D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hi Sadie,
Thanks, Sorry you had a difficult time of it with yours and hope you have a better experience next time. I elaborated on mine is other posts. Oh I did ask about white dots and I guess I get then also, (she actually tried to show me the lye on the needle but I didn't have my glasses on and it was too close. But it is happening to me also . I don't think I see it when I get home due to the rolling/cleaning/soothing she does after all the zapping (she has some name for it and said not all techs do it). And as mentioned elsewhere I don't get the oozing afterwards I think for the same reason.
You have to keep an eye on them squirrels, I hear they bite. And rabbits you say? Was it one big white one named Harvey or several more normal rabbits? they can be harmful too y'know? I have scars to prove it on the back on my hand. (It, the rabbit, later died)
Hope things get better for you,
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi folks,
Today was a kick back day watching racing and keeping an eye on the forum and facebook. I bought a melon and white striped triangle bikini top to wear under my t-shirts with my jean cutoffs when I am out walking the creeks and rivers fishing with my friend in Missouri when I visit soon. Just don't think giving him a wet t-shirt show would be a good thing.
I spent the day in female attire. sandals, skinny jeans, blue t-shirt and my short wig. I repainted my fingernails which I had trimmed back after breaking another on. They are now a kleencolor #63 pearl pink, pinker than the sheer pink you all have seen before. I also felt like a bit of makeup. I thought it wasn't a bad job and decided to post it as my avatar and I'll put it here also to see what you all think.
Hugs,
Laurie
Original:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FigUkKo5.jpg&hash=77a229094ff2efde36c3c6b930997ebdb6447821)
Adjusted:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FiO0YLWD.jpg&hash=8ea0f9abd4cdd905ea544dd3cd11e317db59e342)
I like the top photo better...
for a make overMake OverMake OverMake OverMake Over
I Like your blue top the colour suits you...
for a make overMake OverMake OverMake OverMake OverMake Over
it's called subliminal messaging mmwwwwhhhhuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaa!!
Quote from: Laurie on May 29, 2017, 01:24:01 AM
Hi folks,
Today was a kick back day watching racing and keeping an eye on the forum and facebook. I bought a melon and white striped triangle bikini top to wear under my t-shirts with my jean cutoffs when I am out walking the creeks and rivers fishing with my friend in Missouri when I visit soon. Just don't think giving him a wet t-shirt show would be a good thing.
I spent the day in female attire. sandals, skinny jeans, blue t-shirt and my short wig. I repainted my fingernails which I had trimmed back after breaking another on. They are now a kleencolor #63 pearl pink, pinker than the sheer pink you all have seen before. I also felt like a bit of makeup. I thought it wasn't a bad job and decided to post it as my avatar and I'll put it here also to see what you all think.
Hugs,
Laurie
Here I am wondering why you bought a melon to go with your striped bikini top to go under a T-shirt. Ahh maybe it is to cut in halves and use as padding? Or to use as bait for passing 6 foot rabbits? Maybe I need glasses so that I can see text better?
This thread is just what the doctor ordered after a stressful day! Cindy, I had much the same thought re: the melon. :laugh: And Liz, I'm glad to see you're back causing trouble >:-)
Love the new profile pic, Laurie! I think you're right to be pleased with the makeup job--a very nice, natural look. And a great smile, too!
Big hugs to all!
Quote from: Cindy on May 29, 2017, 03:41:41 AM
Here I am wondering why you bought a melon to go with your striped bikini top to go under a T-shirt. Ahh maybe it is to cut in halves and use as padding? Or to use as bait for passing 6 foot rabbits? Maybe I need glasses so that I can see text better?
...pwetty suwe she is hunting wabbits...
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 29, 2017, 06:44:13 AM
...pwetty suwe she is hunting wabbits...
She bought two melons. I think I see them in the picture. How does one whistle in text? You are looking really good, Laurie. It is looking like our "Not ready for prime time player" is ready for prime time, ladies!
Liz, you are getting your rabbits confused. A 6 foot tall wabbit would never say that, besides that other wabbit really Bugs me.
Cindy, I am looking at your picture. Do you mean you need glasses for your glasses? Is that a 'down under' thing?
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 29, 2017, 08:28:34 AM
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 29, 2017, 06:44:13 AM
...pwetty suwe she is hunting wabbits...
She bought two melons. I think I see them in the picture. How does one whistle in text? You are looking really good, Laurie. It is looking like our "Not ready for prime time player" is ready for prime time, ladies!
Liz, you are getting your rabbits confused. A 6 foot tall wabbit would never say that, besides that other wabbit really Bugs me.
Cindy, I am looking at your picture. Do you mean you need glasses for your glasses? Is that a 'down under' thing?
Moni
Damnation! I've been looking for them everywhere today and never thought of the mirror.
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 29, 2017, 03:16:17 AM
I like the top photo better...
for a make overMake OverMake OverMake OverMake Over
I Like your blue top the colour suits you...
for a make overMake OverMake OverMake OverMake OverMake Over
it's called subliminal messaging mmwwwwhhhhuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaa!!
LMAO Liz,
You sneaky woman you... I can't quite read the small print though.
Thank you for the compliment and Yes I like the blue of that top too. I changed my avatar based on your preference.
Quote from: Cindy on May 29, 2017, 03:41:41 AM
Here I am wondering why you bought a melon to go with your striped bikini top to go under a T-shirt. Ahh maybe it is to cut in halves and use as padding? Or to use as bait for passing 6 foot rabbits? Maybe I need glasses so that I can see text better?
Cindy,
::) ::) ::) ::) ::) And no I didn't use any padding. Things are coming along pretty well without additional help. That's all me in the picture.
Pssst Moni is telling you, you are wearing your glasses already. btw I like your updated picture.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: p on May 29, 2017, 06:09:05 AM
This thread is just what the doctor ordered after a stressful day! Cindy, I had much the same thought re: the melon. :laugh: And Liz, I'm glad to see you're back causing trouble >:-)
Love the new profile pic, Laurie! I think you're right to be pleased with the makeup job--a very nice, natural look. And a great smile, too!
Big hugs to all!
Thank you p,
I can always count on you to say something nice. I tried to keep the makeup toned down so as to not look like a clown. As they say less is more.
hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: HappyMoni on May 29, 2017, 08:28:34 AM
She bought two melons. I think I see them in the picture. How does one whistle in text? You are looking really good, Laurie. It is looking like our "Not ready for prime time player" is ready for prime time, ladies!
Liz, you are getting your rabbits confused. A 6 foot tall wabbit would never say that, besides that other wabbit really Bugs me.
Cindy, I am looking at your picture. Do you mean you need glasses for your glasses? Is that a 'down under' thing?
Moni
Dearest Moni (Here she comes now singing moni, moni...)
No no no I didn't buy melons silly peoples. I bought a melon color and white stripe bikini top. My natural padding is developing nicely considering it's only been almost 6 months. Here's a pic of it..
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F0OfBNGo.jpg&hash=4209cfc86ceb79054e9ce407a31a0c4563acc11b)
It seems you girls have rabbits on the brains and we are becoming overrun with them (They're everywhere!, they're everywhere!)
And what's this "prime time nonsense? I know not of what you speak.
Hugs,
Laurie
that bikini looks good on you with your long dark wig ;D, I must say much better looking than the old you photo (the m**e one) . Have the nail varnish to go with that top. In fact need to redo mine after a week working on my bus , don't know if I will colour them as have a 3 month flat inspection on Wednesday, Kate that's coming is a friend of my niece so might be OK and may ask about name change on lease.
Quote from: davina61 on May 29, 2017, 01:38:57 PM
that bikini looks good on you with your long dark wig ;D, I must say much better looking than the old you photo (the m**e one) . Have the nail varnish to go with that top. In fact need to redo mine after a week working on my bus , don't know if I will colour them as have a 3 month flat inspection on Wednesday, Kate that's coming is a friend of my niece so might be OK and may ask about name change on lease.
Davina,
I wish that was me. *sigh*. You probably will never see a picture of me in a bikini top or bottoms.
Hugs,
Laurie
If no show and tell, than why buy one.
I don't go swimming or sun bathing so have not worn a bikini in like 40+ years. When I was much thinner.
This was Pre and not much development up top. Sorry NO photos of that.
Have very few photos from back than.
it's like a standing joke around me..."when you getting your bikini on" ....I am not that old...really I'm not....personally I think If I go out in public I run the risk of people throwing water on me, then try and drag me back into the sea ;D ;D
Quote from: Georgette on May 29, 2017, 04:48:26 PM
If no show and tell, than why buy one.
I don't go swimming or sun bathing so have not worn a bikini in like 40+ years. When I was much thinner.
This was Pre and not much development up top. Sorry NO photos of that.
Have very few photos from back than.
Georgette,
When my friend and I go fishing in Missouri it is done in the river or creek. Not just the fishing line. We walk in them. Normal fishing attire is a t-shirt and shorts. The water can get fairly deep and unexpected holes and muddy bottoms cause you to get soaked. Now that I am no longer flat chested I wanted some better coverage under my t-shirts.
Another reason not to have show and tell is that I burn when exposed to that bright org in the sky. Exposing skin blinds everyone for about 30 minutes then the lobster effect takes over. Later pain sets in, if not blisters and scabbing. It's just no fun.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 29, 2017, 06:21:27 PM
it's like a standing joke around me..."when you getting your bikini on" ....I am not that old...really I'm not....personally I think If I go out in public I run the risk of people throwing water on me, then try and drag me back into the sea ;D ;D
LOL Liz,
There is no question when we go fishing, I will be getting wet. I don't believe being a wet t-shirt show is what I am going fishing for.
Hugs,
Laurie
Morning folks,
Today is my therapy session again. I was going to wear my new skirt and top but the weather isn't cooperating so it's a red/black top, my new boot cut jeans, my high heeled boots. and a cardigan.
I showered and did my makeup in only an hour. (that's good for me as I have problem with not wanting to get out of showers before the hot water runs out.
I see if I can post a picture or two when I return.
Hugs,
Laurie
Have a great therapy session! Outfit sounds cute, do send a pic (don't forget the smile!). <3, P
Quote from: p on May 30, 2017, 01:26:37 PM
Have a great therapy session! Outfit sounds cute, do send a pic (don't forget the smile!). <3, P
Thank you p,
My session was okay. Again I got compliments and told I look like I'm becoming more comfortable as myself. The walk into the lobby from the lot was interesting. I guess I've never walked down a slope in 3 1/2" heels before. They lobby was less full but I still stood over to the side trying to stay out of the ways and unnoticed. We talked of many thigs not least of which was my pending cross country road trip which is becoming imminent.
As promised I took a couple picture after returning home.(had to be after getting home as I forgot to take my phone with me)
Hugs,
Laurie
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FkfTKixT.jpg&hash=f89ab2ade2df56fdd9a26d437fbcda2a5b1c87ba) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FLX4Wqmk.jpg&hash=9699cf60e192bdb4217eb15b4134eb6a35f7d13c)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FI3jj1f1.jpg&hash=0fafe666158592429eae2ce3b680d4aad0f0f54a) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FL805R4C.jpg&hash=56fc9c433a17a2d002f38f7926244152767994d7)
Wow, looking good, Laurie! Glad your therapy session went well.
Quote from: KathyLauren on May 30, 2017, 03:02:27 PM
Wow, looking good, Laurie! Glad your therapy session went well.
Thank you Kathy. Is it just me or have we not heard much from you lately? You know we can't have that...
Hope all is well, Kathy. Hugs,
Laurie
definitely looking tidy, jealous of the nails again.
Quote from: davina61 on May 30, 2017, 03:09:41 PM
definitely looking tidy, jealous of the nails again.
[/quote
Thanks Davina, I had to trim my nails back some after breaking a second one the other day. They'll grow back soon.
Hugs,
Laurie
Looking good Laurie, glad the therapy went well.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on May 30, 2017, 03:44:58 PM
Looking good Laurie, glad the therapy went well.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Thank you Sadie.
The best part was that I felt like I looked nice. It felt so good that I had no qualms walking past people on my way in and on the way out. I felt good and they were not going to change it by being there or looking at me. The lobby was still a little bit of a challenge but not as bad.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on May 30, 2017, 03:52:18 PM
Thank you Sadie.
The best part was that I felt like I looked nice. It felt so good that I had no qualms walking past people on my way in and on the way out. I felt good and they were not going to change it by being there or looking at me. The lobby was still a little bit of a challenge but not as bad.
Hugs,
Laurie
There's our girl...you have been battling that old grump Jeanette for to long...Ok so there are no excuses anymore...you go out presenting in that manner and you will have the counter ladies falling all over you wanting to
do a makeoverhelp.
You do look like you are
ready for a make over ready for a lunch out with the girls
(just before a make over) You look great and once again the nails are looking spectacular. I have just started Biontin to give both nail and hair a chance. Prior to HRT I had no problem growing my nails but now they just seem to chip and break. Interestingly I used to use mainly clear nail polish now of course its pretty much anything goes.
especially when we are talking makeover
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 30, 2017, 04:40:46 PM
There's our girl...you have been battling that old grump Jeanette for to long...Ok so there are no excuses anymore...you go out presenting in that manner and you will have the counter ladies falling all over you wanting to do a makeoverhelp.
You do look like you are ready for a make over ready for a lunch out with the girls (just before a make over) You look great and once again the nails are looking spectacular. I have just started Biontin to give both nail and hair a chance. Prior to HRT I had no problem growing my nails but now they just seem to chip and break. Interestingly I used to use mainly clear nail polish now of course its pretty much anything goes. especially when we are talking makeover
Hi Liz,
Such nice compliments! Thank you, Liz. I'm starting to think Jeanette was somewhat of a stick in the mud also. As Laurie, I've been a little braver about stepping out the door. Oh, I'm sure I'm not quite ready for prime time shopping or lunching with the girls though. Besides, I haven't found any social butterfly girls nesting around here to go for lunch with.
Biotin huh? I'll have to keep that in mind for trying if I start having trouble with my nails like you did. I'm so sorry you no longer have nails as perfect as mine ;) ;) ;D LOL I don't have perfect nails though :( :( Mine have ridges that grow out from the cuticles and what look like elongated bubble bumps on them. Even filing those smooth, you can still see them. If I don't smooth the ridges and bubbles you can see them in the polish. :( I hope that biotin helps yours so you can tell us how well it works.
Are you having problems with your message box functions? It looks like your underlining is off. What I see is an open space that is underlined instead of the underlining being underneath the words as it should be. Perhaps it is a setting that needs to be adjusted. I've noticed it's happened in quite a few places in your last few posts. Funny thing, I don't recall seeing it on anyone else's threads you have commented on. Hmmmm curious.... I suppose it could be my settings... but it doesn't do it when others comment.
Well Liz I'm going to wish you a stupendous day and go see what else has been posted today.
Hugs,
Laurie
You look wonderful, Laurie! I love the outfit, and I am, as always, jealous of your beautiful nails. I am so glad to see you feeling more confident. Makeover, schmakeover: You will be full time before you know it, Laurie!
Big hugs, p
p.s. - heels downhill, I say a prayer & try to bend my knees a little.
Not sure what you actually mean I can't see anything wrong with what you are talking about...how about the rest of you ladies...can I respectfully suggest you hold the CTRL button and the scroll function of your mouse so you are able to enlarge the print so your poor tired old eyes can cope my dear ;) ;)
Quote from: Laurie on May 30, 2017, 03:52:18 PM
Quote from: Shy on May 30, 2017, 03:44:58 PM
Looking good Laurie, glad the therapy went well.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Thank you Sadie.
The best part was that I felt like I looked nice. It felt so good that I had no qualms walking past people on my way in and on the way out. I felt good and they were not going to change it by being there or looking at me. The lobby was still a little bit of a challenge but not as bad.
Hugs,
Laurie
And that young lady is what transitioning in life is all about. We do it for ourselves and occasionally during the the journey we get a glimpse of the real us and that reinforces the psyche.
Now enough of being supportive. This up coming road trip. We are only going to take Laurie's clothes aren't we? There will be no backing down on this will there?
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 31, 2017, 01:49:45 AM
Not sure what you actually mean I can't see anything wrong with what you are talking about...how about the rest of you ladies...can I respectfully suggest you hold the CTRL button and the scroll function of your mouse so you are able to enlarge the print so your poor tired old eyes can cope my dear ;) ;)
Nope, all looks above board to me, nothing 01001101 01000001 01001011 01000101 01001111 01010110 01000101 01010010 fishy to me hidden in your post Liz, seems all perfectly polite and not in the least suspicious in any way. Don't know why Laurie's getting her nickers in a twist with accusations of subliminal messages, must be all that country and western she's been listening to.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
QuoteDon't know why Laurie's getting her nickers in a twist with accusations of subliminal messages, must be all that country and western she's been listening to.
I tried that once. Even played country-western backwards listening for subliminal messages. None found, but my truck started running again, my dog came back to life, and my wife came home.
Quote from: p on May 30, 2017, 11:10:31 PM
You look wonderful, Laurie! I love the outfit, and I am, as always, jealous of your beautiful nails. I am so glad to see you feeling more confident. Makeover, schmakeover: You will be full time before you know it, Laurie!
Big hugs, p
p.s. - heels downhill, I say a prayer & try to bend my knees a little.
Thank you p,
I'm still a ways away from that "M" words and full time isn't anywhere in sight. I hear you with the prayer and walking downhill with bent sure feels awkward.
Quote from: ElizabethK on May 31, 2017, 01:49:45 AM
Not sure what you actually mean I can't see anything wrong with what you are talking about...how about the rest of you ladies...can I respectfully suggest you hold the CTRL button and the scroll function of your mouse so you are able to enlarge the print so your poor tired old eyes can cope my dear ;) ;)
Okay Liz,
Feigning innocence isn't going to fly this time. I see what you did there. It isn't going to work. nope huh ugh. Nice try though. I didn't know ctrl and the mous wheel did that. I fix these things well, never said I knew how to use them.
Quote from: Cindy on May 31, 2017, 03:18:18 AM
Thank you Sadie.
The best part was that I felt like I looked nice. It felt so good that I had no qualms walking past people on my way in and on the way out. I felt good and they were not going to change it by being there or looking at me. The lobby was still a little bit of a challenge but not as bad.
Hugs,
Laurie
And that young lady is what transitioning in life is all about. We do it for ourselves and occasionally during the the journey we get a glimpse of the real us and that reinforces the psyche.
Now enough of being supportive. This up coming road trip. We are only going to take Laurie's clothes aren't we? There will be no backing down on this will there?
Hi Cindy,
Thank you very much for the support. As for the other thing... I'm afraid the answer is "no" I will have both sets of clothes with me as I plan on visiting a few relatives that are not aware of Laurie Though they will be before I leave their places. Besides I'm too chicken for such an outing.
Quote from: Shy on May 31, 2017, 03:27:52 AM
Nope, all looks above board to me, nothing 01001101 01000001 01001011 01000101 01001111 01010110 01000101 01010010 fishy to me hidden in your post Liz, seems all perfectly polite and not in the least suspicious in any way. Don't know why Laurie's getting her nickers in a twist with accusations of subliminal messages, must be all that country and western she's been listening to.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hi Sadie,
Country is a perfect compliment to acid rack I'll have you know.
btw Sadie you do know I've been working on computers since long before they fit on desks? I read binary hex, hexadecimal and decimal. I also know what ASCII is as well as EBCDIC .... So I know what you did there.. All these not so subtle attempts to influence my thinking about that "M" word is not working.
Quote from: Michelle_P on May 31, 2017, 10:38:40 AM
I tried that once. Even played country-western backwards listening for subliminal messages. None found, but my truck started running again, my dog came back to life, and my wife came home.
LOL Michelle, See? Country is good for something.
Hugs,
Laurie
MAKEOVER NOWwas that subliminal enoughWatching Britons got talent and they just had a Bollywood dance troop on where the lead dancer was a man in female clothes and make up dancing the female part and very good he is as well. (//URL=http://s881.photobucket.com/user/twobugs/media/IMG_20170531_213624_zpssrzlaxfc.jpg.html%5Dhttp://%5Bimg%20width=400%20height=300%5Dhttp://i881.photobucket.com/albums/ac11/twobugs/IMG_20170531_213624_zpssrzlaxfc.jpg)[/URL][/img](https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi881.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fac11%2Ftwobugs%2FIMG_20170531_213518_zpszjedfc22.jpg&hash=55d3c3862a53f95fc6456b389944d892c9d25820) (http://s881.photobucket.com/user/twobugs/media/IMG_20170531_213518_zpszjedfc22.jpg.html)][/img]So is this your colour?
Quote from: davina61 on May 31, 2017, 02:04:50 PM
MAKEOVER NOWwas that subliminal enoughWatching Britons got talent and they just had a Bollywood dance troop on where the lead dancer was a man in female clothes and make up dancing the female part and very good he is as well.
So is this your colour?
Hi Davina,
Now that's subtle, very subtle....
My color? Well no, sorry. If I've said it once, I'll say it again. This girl likes pinks and reds as you can't have nails any more feminine than by painting them pink or red.
You however, are welcome to paint your nails any color you like to use. It only means we have different tastes in nail polish.
It looks like you did a quite good job on them Davina. With all your love of auto working it makes me want to ask if you mask your nails off before painting them or is the neatness a result of skill and a steady hand? lol Your nails do look nice, just not a color I would use for myself.
Mine are naked at the moment. >:( I should do something to remedy that...
Hugs,
Laurie
I've tried all the polish colours under the sun but always end up with the more classic reds and pinks like Laurie. Sometimes I'll edge towards nudes and neutrals, or even a french manicure if I haven't drunk too much caffeine.
But I also agree, it's what ever makes - - * - - * - * - - - * * * - * * - * you happy that's important. I was really surprised at how some polish colours just made me feel awkward and self conscious whilst other had the Goldilocks effect on me. Just right. I guess that's what they call personal taste.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Geez, I'm going to have to get out my old ASCII character set charts to read this thread lol.
You are really getting out there, Laurie! Looking very good.
I'm in Madison, WI for a week, visiting an old college friend. We'll mainly be road biking.
I wore my girl boot cut jeans all day for flying, and it felt good. In fact those are the only long pants I brought, just to force the issue. Might wear my purple flowered tshirt today. Otherwise that's about the extent of it.
Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Quote from: Shy on June 01, 2017, 04:51:32 AM
I've tried all the polish colours under the sun but always end up with the more classic reds and pinks like Laurie. Sometimes I'll edge towards nudes and neutrals, or even a french manicure if I haven't drunk too much caffeine.
But I also agree, it's what ever makes - - * - - * - * - - - * * * - * * - * you happy that's important. I was really surprised at how some polish colours just made me feel awkward and self conscious whilst other had the Goldilocks effect on me. Just right. I guess that's what they call personal taste.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Morse code now? Really? I was also a cub & boy scout in my childhood. (Mom and Dad didn't know I really wanted to be a Brownie and a girl scout) lol
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: RandyL on June 01, 2017, 08:17:51 AM
Geez, I'm going to have to get out my old ASCII character set charts to read this thread lol.
You are really getting out there, Laurie! Looking very good.
I'm in Madison, WI for a week, visiting an old college friend. We'll mainly be road biking.
I wore my girl boot cut jeans all day for flying, and it felt good. In fact those are the only long pants I brought, just to force the issue. Might wear my purple flowered tshirt today. Otherwise that's about the extent of it.
Randy
Hi Randy,
Boot cut ladies jeans is a start. You better be sending me your contact info soon because I am hunting you down this trip.
Hugs,
Laurie
The camera lies, not that good but years of painting model air craft ect helps. Though I would try a random colour just to see (was on offer 2 for £4 and its Rimmel) . With the right outfit though------
Will have to take it off soon ,back to clear. Packed your bags yet, wig ,check, skirt ,check, make up, check ect ect
Quote from: davina61 on June 01, 2017, 01:03:32 PM
The camera lies, not that good but years of painting model air craft ect helps. Though I would try a random colour just to see (was on offer 2 for £4 and its Rimmel) . With the right outfit though------
Will have to take it off soon ,back to clear. Packed your bags yet, wig ,check, skirt ,check, make up, check ect ect
Davina,
Packed my bags yet?? ROFLMAO That won't happen until the night before or more likely the day I leave. Doing otherwise implies planning and I'm allergic to that concept.
Hugs,
Laurie
Got around to getting my acrylic nails fill-in today.
Decided to get a Violetta, with the Halo effect,
In bright light or sun, it is like watching a rainbow moving around on you nails, with that violet undertone.
Next month I may get the mood colors, they change colors with the temperature, like the old mood rings.
Thought of you all at the club tonight. We had a visitor from out of town, she was very nervous. We tried to get her comfortable. But she was worried that somehow it might get back to the wife.
Quote from: Laurie on June 01, 2017, 09:28:34 AM
Morse code now? Really? I was also a cub & boy scout in my childhood. (Mom and Dad didn't know I really wanted to be a Brownie and a girl scout) lol
Hugs,
Laurie
"Sufferin' succotash!" "Ay, caramba!" "Heavens to Murgatroyd!" "I tawt I taw a puddy tat." "Drat and double Drat!" "D'oh!" "Zoinks!" "Wabbits wov Cawwots!" "That's another fine mess you've gotten me into Laurie!" "Th-th-th-th-That's all Folks!" "Foiled again!" "Exit stage left!"
You win this time Laurie, but don't think jumping in your truck and heading north is going keep you off the "M"dar!.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
well I know your doing a runner but this thread has fallen of the first page.
You look really nice Laurie. Your outfit is very sharp.😊
Quote from: davina61 on June 04, 2017, 02:54:42 PM
well I know your doing a runner but this thread has fallen of the first page.
Hi Davina,
If you mean it has changed into something else since the start , you are absolutely right. It has. It has evolved into something else and so have I. ;D ;D ;D
I predict this thread will continue to evolve as needed to record what happens with me along the way.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Cimara on June 04, 2017, 03:01:14 PM
You look really nice Laurie. Your outfit is very sharp.😊
Thank you Alexandria
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi folks,
I haven't been to active the last couple days. I woke the other morning with my back hurting probably due to working out some aggression with a large knife on the English ivy, morning glories and black berry plants that took over the chain link fence in the back of my apartment and was attacking the iris', daffodils glads and roses we planted there.
Anyway I woke up hurting so I took one of my prescription muscle relaxers. They kinda kick my butt and I sleep a lot when I take them. I do get up for short breaks but I spend more time in bed sleeping. Last night I took another after waking again hurting. I think it's pretty much done now. Anyway that's why you haven't heard much from me recently.
In the last week or so Kaiser has been wanting to do different tests on my sister since she was diagnosed with a kidney infection and given antibiotics a ct scan and released. Since then they wanted an ultrasound of her kidneys, next (yesterday) another ct scan with contrast, and today they called to schedule a biopsy. They are still trying to figure out what it is they saw on the initial ct scan. It is scheduled for the 20th. I had hoped to at least be in Missouri by then. I still might, she does have a son with a vehicle that I'm sure could take her. My problem is I'm afraid of what they are going to find. We do have a family history of cancer. With my mom, another sister and an aunt having died from it not to mention my own fights with kidney cancer.
If I leave, my youngest sister will probably come visit (since I will be gone) so Karen won't be alone having my sister Franki and her son and his wife here for her. My youngest sister won't visit while I am here but that another story.
So I'm a bit torn about what to do. I've been wanting to make this trip to Maine for several years and the chance to meet so many of you on the way is just icing on the cake. I am sorely tempted to go yet I feel I should be here for her too. I'm not sure what I'm going to do atm.
Okay now for the important business..... Sara! Oh Sara! Are you here Sara? I got cookies for you...
Have you been a good girl? Or do I eat them all by myself?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FrQgpAkZ.jpg&hash=692f50bd1d19122af6b507aed987decd6aae5f87)
There's even more for later...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FKFJ6S0e.jpg&hash=b077b69cb7252ff6983428fe9e699d71afa6a973)
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Laurie,
Family comes first, especially one so supportive as your sister. Do what feels comfortable to you. That said, it does sound like she has good support options, and you are not the only sister who loves her and can care for her.
I would wonder how long it will take for the biopsy results? Sometimes these things take awhile to come back from the lab.
We're with you, but I hope my schedule won't interfere with meeting you.
Love
Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Hope you bounce back soon Laurie, back pain isn't nice :(
There will always be time for your trip, Maine isn't going anywhere. Do whatever sits comfortably with you girl, I suspect you already know the answer to that. It's nothing that batch of Laurie's special "thinking cookies" can't sort out.
A big hug from across the pond,
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Laurie on June 06, 2017, 10:56:14 PM
Hi folks,
I haven't been to active the last couple days. I woke the other morning with my back hurting probably due to working out some aggression with a large knife on the English ivy, morning glories and black berry plants that took over the chain link fence in the back of my apartment and was attacking the iris', daffodils glads and roses we planted there.
Anyway I woke up hurting so I took one of my prescription muscle relaxers. They kinda kick my butt and I sleep a lot when I take them. I do get up for short breaks but I spend more time in bed sleeping. Last night I took another after waking again hurting. I think it's pretty much done now. Anyway that's why you haven't heard much from me recently.
Hugs,
Laurie
If you were involved with someone(other than Jeanette) then I can think of a whole heap of reasons for having a sore back, none of which I can repeat here.
I am sure your road trip can wait as much as I am sure you don't want to but of course their are much more pressing engagements at home to take care of.
The cookies look great...good enough to eat LOL
Take care of yourself
This is not subliminal you only think it is...Makeover...make over, make over, make over, I want to have a make over, I want to give Liz all my money, I want to call Moni as in bonnie but most of all I want a make over, I want a make over ,make over, make over, I want a make over, make over, make over, cI want a make over, make over, make over, make over, make over, make over, make over, make over, make over,
Thanks for the input folks.
My sister has already asked her son if he could take her to the appointment and got a yes for an answer. She is aware of my wanting to go and had asked me the other day if she was holding my departure up. She know that this appointment would do just that and doesn't want to keep me from going. So I am leaning towards going.
Laurie
I'm sorry to hear that your sister is still struggling. Wishing you peace and clarity as you decide about your trip. Big hugs, P
Quote from: p on June 07, 2017, 02:08:30 PM
I'm sorry to hear that your sister is still struggling. Wishing you peace and clarity as you decide about your trip. Big hugs, P
Thank you p
She's feeling okay now. This is something new they saw and have been checking out.The biopsy should tell us what the problem is. We're in wait and see mode.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie,
These decisions are not easy. In 2007 I lost my beautiful sister to brain cancer. As a family we took turns going to help out as she was in Georgia. We tried to time it out in order to minimize the fatigue on the family care givers who lived there. I was about a week away from flying down again when I got the call that she had passed. It is still emotional for me to think about it. The thing is, we cannot see the future. We cannot put life on hold because something might happen. You have been there for her and hopefully she is okay now. If her care needs can be taken care of while you are gone, I hope you consider going. Life is for living, not for "what ifs."
Moni
Have a sore back myself so feeling for you (old injury) silly thinks set it off. Got my fingers crossed for your sister, if they find something at least she can have some treatment. XX D
Hi Folks,
Well I believe I've made up my mind to go ahead with my road trip. When I'm leaving is still up in the air but I do have a date in mind now. I have a few more things to do yet so it's not set in stone so I'll keep it to myself for now. I think I can safely say I should be on the road within a week.
Hugs,
Laurie
Reading Kathy's post on the unhappy thread, reminded me of an unusual experience for me this past weekend. There were a couple of times I was asked for name and email and in one case a signature. This presented a humorous situation for me. Here I am presenting female all weekend so naturally I am Laurie, being introduced uncounted times as Laurie, called Laurie, answering to Laurie, etc( a very odd, unusual experience in itself). On one forms I started to use my male legal name but changed it to Laurie. For my email I used my gmail address which is under Jeanette, as that what I was using when I made it. For the signature, I used my legal male name. I struck me as looking pretty strange.
The other form was something associated with the VA LGBTQ+ mailing list or something like that and I decided to stay with the way I am identified in the VA records which is my male ID. Still it felt strange being laurie and uding my male credentials.
So regardless the purposes, coming up with what name I should use in a real life setting became an odd decision making process. It just struck me as weird. Like do I really know who I am? I'm not at all sure how to answer that anymore. More and more I am becoming Laurie but I'm not ready to let go of Leonard yet.
Hugs,
Laurie
I had a similar experience today. I was getting blood drawn for my six-month checkup. Though I was presenting as Kathy, all my ID, in particular my health card, are all still in my old name. At each step of the process (check-in, entry to lab, greeted by the nurse), they confirm your identity. So I was repeatedly dead-named at each step.
I figured that there is no point in confusing the paper pushers, since I want my lab work processed properly and sent to the right doctor, so I reluctantly went along with it. "Well, officially, my name is still ... " It sure grated on my nerves, though.
Quote from: KathyLauren on June 12, 2017, 01:56:17 PM
I had a similar experience today. I was getting blood drawn for my six-month checkup. Though I was presenting as Kathy, all my ID, in particular my health card, are all still in my old name. At each step of the process (check-in, entry to lab, greeted by the nurse), they confirm your identity. So I was repeatedly dead-named at each step.
I figured that there is no point in confusing the paper pushers, since I want my lab work processed properly and sent to the right doctor, so I reluctantly went along with it. "Well, officially, my name is still ... " It sure grated on my nerves, though.
Kathy,
It was your post on the unhappy thread that was the impetus for my post above. Sorry I have corrected it and given you proper credit. I guess I just have that danged Moe - nee on my mind. *sigh*
I think I have an idea what you went through though for me it isn't traumaic. but confused? Not sure what it was.
Laurie
Had the same experience at the chemist today picking up my prescription. I found it all really uncomfortable having my man name called out when presenting female in a packed store. I may ask for some quiet discretion next time, but I think with dispensing drugs they have to dot the 'i's and cross the 't's.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on June 12, 2017, 03:19:50 PM
Had the same experience at the chemist today picking up my prescription. I found it all really uncomfortable having my man name called out when presenting female in a packed store. I may ask for some quiet discretion next time, but I think with dispensing drugs they have to dot the 'i's and cross the 't's.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hey Sadie,
Perhaps you should do as millions of women do every day... You were obviously there to pick up prescriptions for "him". That is all that anyone but you saw in your chore today. That is probably what the chemist thought also unless they know about your situation.
You were just another woman picking up a husband's, son's, or some other male in their life's prescriptions. It happens day in and day out all over the world. The issue was all in your own head, girl.
Hugs,
Laurie
Not just a pretty face are you girl, thanks for the insight. I'll feel much better about it all next time :) Still have to sign for the prescription in my dead name, but at least it's only the chemist that will see that. I tend to only use initials anyway.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on June 12, 2017, 04:00:08 PM
Not just a pretty face are you girl, thanks for the insight. I'll feel much better about it all next time :) Still have to sign for the prescription in my dead name, but at least it's only the chemist that will see that. I tend to only use initials anyway.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
It comes from years of chores buying female stuff and picking up things for my Mom and 5 sisters. No one ever assumed I was doing it for myself no matter how embarrassing it was for me at the time. I even got told how good it was that I could do these chores for them. I just remember all the times things were done for me by the women in my life. Women do it far far more than men do.
Hugs,
Laurie
I was at the doc today and the nurse hollered out my dead name to the nearly empty waiting room. I was glad to see that at least one person looked a little surprised when I stood up. But definitely an uncomfortable experience. And this is at a clinic where they usually do a good job of asking you your preferred gender pronouns and preferred name.
Some members of my family are in medicine, and I know that they struggle with this issue a lot--the records need to reflect your legal name, your anatomy (so we tgirls still get our prostate exams, etc.), your preferred name, your gender identity--and the intake forms and medical records software generally assume that all of these separate things are actually captured with one name and one gender marker.
Quote from: p on June 13, 2017, 09:56:41 AM
I was at the doc today and the nurse hollered out my dead name to the nearly empty waiting room. I was glad to see that at least one person looked a little surprised when I stood up. But definitely an uncomfortable experience. And this is at a clinic where they usually do a good job of asking you your preferred gender pronouns and preferred name.
Some members of my family are in medicine, and I know that they struggle with this issue a lot--the records need to reflect your legal name, your anatomy (so we tgirls still get our prostate exams, etc.), your preferred name, your gender identity--and the intake forms and medical records software generally assume that all of these separate things are actually captured with one name and one gender marker.
Morning sweet p,
What a bittersweet event. On on hand there is the problem of being publicly outed regardless of how many were there for it. And on the other there was the enjoyment of seeing the surprise on the woman's face which is affirming that you don't appear to be that guy they were looking for. You passed p take your a+ and rejoice in it.
Perhaps a little talk about discretion and preferred pronouns for their patience are in order. Maybe even a suggestion that they add a small picture of the patient in the record to prepare the staff that something may be a little different before calling the patient. There are probably all sorts of HIPPA regulations preventing it though.
So how did the appointment go p? Were there cookies?
Hugs,
Laurie
The appointment went as well as I could have hoped--my doc said usually she does 2 pre-HRT appointments and then has folks sign the informed consent form on the 3rd visit, but I brought a letter in from my therapist and got the prescription today at my 2nd appointment. Picking them up tonight! I can't wait to start this part of my transition! :)
You remember I have a new manager starting (Thursday) well his name i the same as my male name , " That will be confusing" was the comments from some of the staff and I was thinking it might be UNTIL NOVEMBER ;)
Washed the truck and checked your oil yet ready for the world tour?
Quote from: p on June 13, 2017, 12:50:25 PM
The appointment went as well as I could have hoped--my doc said usually she does 2 pre-HRT appointments and then has folks sign the informed consent form on the 3rd visit, but I brought a letter in from my therapist and got the prescription today at my 2nd appointment. Picking them up tonight! I can't wait to start this part of my transition! :)
Wow good job p, Congrats on getting started. Be sure to hold your pills and bow your head and give thanks for the boobies you are about to receive. Then pop them in, swallow, and let the boobies begin!
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on June 13, 2017, 04:34:13 PM
Wow good job p, Congrats on getting started. Be sure to hold your pills and bow your head and give thank for the boobies you are about to receive. Then pop them in, swallow, and let the boobies begin!
Hugs,
Laurie
;D ;D ;D
Quote from: davina61 on June 13, 2017, 03:09:13 PM
You remember I have a new manager starting (Thursday) well his name i the same as my male name , " That will be confusing" was the comments from some of the staff and I was thinking it might be UNTIL NOVEMBER ;)
Washed the truck and checked your oil yet ready for the world tour?
Hi Davina,
So November is the time your doing it are you? Good for you girl.
Let's see washed the truck? Well it rained a bit this past weekend and a little this morning at the grocery store. Does that count?
Checked the oil? Yup my dash says I has a few more percentages left before a change is required. And the pressure gauge still says 40 something or other so there must be some left in there.
I'm getting ready I did 2 loads of laundry and have given thought to one bag or two. Got my single cup cigarette lighter coffee pot, coffee grounds and water, So I have what's needed to start the days off.
Am I forgetting anything?
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on June 13, 2017, 04:42:51 PM
Am I forgetting anything?
A makeover and possibly cookies ;D
Peace and love an all that good stuff,
Sadie
Your bloomers, Laurie, your bloomers!
Way to go p! Go boobies go! Or is it Come boobies Come!
Moni
Quote from: Shy on June 13, 2017, 05:17:32 PM
A makeover and possibly cookies ;D
Peace and love an all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hi Sadie,
Sorry I couldn't quite make out the first part. But didn't you see what happened last time I took cookies with me? Heck the threw a parade! If word got out I'd be leading a caravan. No, no the cookies stay home.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: HappyMoni on June 13, 2017, 05:49:39 PM
Your bloomers, Laurie, your bloomers!
Way to go p! Go boobies go! Or is it Come boobies Come!
Moni
Bloomers? Are ye daft lady? If I pick them they will surely wilt and die before I found you. I'll pick you a lily after I've hunted you down. Silly girl.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi folks,
Had a bit of a delay when a friend in Idaho called me and said the gaming computer I built her was broke. It's running now and I took the opportunity to tell her she has another girlfriend. Then I found out I was on speaker phone with her mom and dad there and who know who else. I also know her parents. They all seemed okay with my news.
I took a look at her computer over the internet and it seems okay now.
It's 9:15 pm but I'm on the road to Denver finally.
Ohhh Moanknee I'm on my way....
Hugs,
Laurie
Take care, have a good drive! See ya soon.
Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Laurie
Glad you are able to make your trip, Hope to spend some time with you if they allow you into Maryland.
Been a bit busy this week. Long weekend and not much sleep. Monday needed to mow the lawn, and we are in the 90s.
Had a close friend visit at the club on TUE and THU. She is going out of town for a couple of weeks for work, to Kabul and then onto London. I will miss her, but that is what happens when one still works.
I guess I will go out for some dancing tonight.
Georgette
As long as you're home if I come a knocking.
Hugs,
Laurie
Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk
You in Alaska yet, Flat Stanley?
Been there. ..not this time though.
Flat Stanley? ?? Okay Olie
Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk
Quote from: Laurie on June 16, 2017, 11:25:34 PM
Been there. ..not this time though.
Flat Stanley? ?? Okay Olie
Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk
Flat Stanley is a character in a book who travels the world. Teachers will send Flat Stanley with someone who is taking a trip and they take pictures of him. It is used as an educational tool. Don't you know nothin?
Like me its been a while since we were both in school Flat WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?
Too old I guess
Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk
NEVER to old(to party) or make over
Hi folks,
As you all know I've been posting on my road trip thread while I'm on the road. And I still am. But this post fits better here.
I have been crying while composing an email to a friend and continuing to do so as I write this. I believe I mentioned in my road trip thread receiving an email from my high school best friend that I drove across country to enlist in the Navy with under the buddy system. We had lost track of each other for many years and a few years ago found each other again and he would visit about once a year. In the email he told me he had retired and moved to Colorado and intended to visit me later in the year. I mentions he had a brother that transitioned and I got the impression he did not approve of that because he was extremely reluctant to talk about Patrice. I mentioned I responded to him and had to tell him about me transitioning also. I expected the worse from him upon him finding out.
I just got his response and I can tell you I cried to find out that he doesn't hate me now nor does it sound like it will affect our friendship. His mom had told me years ago to never tell him of my crossdressing when I confessed it to her. After we lost track of each other she told him herself. Sohe knew of that aspect about me for quite sometime and never said anything about it. As any good friend would do he felt I would bring it up when and if I thought he should know. So my revelation was not completely unexpected only more of a change than he knew. And it doesn't matter.
I was so touched and happy to hear this acceptance from him that I am still crying. I well be trying to go see him in Colorado on the way home too now that the skeleton is out of the closet. He is living in a town just a bit north of Denver so I will be retracing my route I took going east on this adventure.
I'm at my Niece's place again in Altoona for another night and not sure where I will be heading from here.
Hugs,
Laurie
Now that's when you know you have a real friend, wont matter if you paint your self blue and walk backwards chanting .Talking of witch did you put a curse on Moooonys phone/pad as she seems to be mistyping now you have seen her.
You're a traveling maniac., Woman. I get exhausted just hearing about all you manage to do in the course of a day......amazing!
Quote from: davina61 on July 02, 2017, 03:44:52 PM
Now that's when you know you have a real friend, wont matter if you paint your self blue and walk backwards chanting .Talking of witch did you put a curse on Moooonys phone/pad as she seems to be mistyping now you have seen her.
Yes John has been a real friend over the years and him being accepting when I was sure he would not is wonderful news indeed.
I had nothing to do with Moaniker not being able to type on her phone. I think it's the drugs. Heck even though she said she remembers my visit I'm not sure she remembers any more than the fact I was there.(probably because her support team (fine folk there) have told her repeatedly that I was. Pain and drugs will do that to you. It wasn't me causing her sudden inability to think and type.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie
Quote from: jentay1367 on July 02, 2017, 04:28:07 PM
You're a traveling maniac., Woman. I get exhausted just hearing about all you manage to do in the course of a day......amazing!
Hi Lisa,
Yes I've have gotten around a little in the 2 - 3 weeks so far and I have a ways to go yet. I have enjoyed meeting everyone I have been able to meet. Speaking of which I was surprised when you didn't raise your hand when I ask if anyone wanted to meet IRL. If I remember right you live somewhere in Missouri where I have spent several days and will be spending a few more on the way home.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hey L!
I was going to get ....or should I say wanted to get on your list but I have been on the run so much lately, I figured there was little chance I'd be here when you came through. I was in Des Moines two weeks ago, KC a week ago and I'm actually in Northern Illinois right now with a friend. So I figured a hook up would be like "rolling the dice". I do hope to meet you at some point, though! You can't stay out of that damned truck and you're kind of from here so I figured there would be another time.....I got plenty of bedrooms in this joint.......... so we WILL get together. When Summer rolls around, I get cabin fever and I gotta get out of this box if you know what I mean! Be careful on the road, Hon. It's crazy out there! Talk at ya' soon!
Quote from: jentay1367 on July 02, 2017, 04:54:56 PM
Hey L!
I was going to get ....or should I say wanted to get on your list but I have been on the run so much lately, I figured there was little chance I'd be here when you came through. I was in Des Moines two weeks ago, KC a week ago and I'm actually in Northern Illinois right now with a friend. So I figured a hook up would be like "rolling the dice". I do hope to meet you at some point, though! You can't stay out of that damned truck and you're kind of from here so I figured there would be another time.....I got plenty of bedrooms in this joint.......... so we WILL get together. When Summer rolls around, I get cabin fever and I gotta get out of this box if you know what I mean! Be careful on the road, Hon. It's crazy out there! Talk at ya' soon!
That response allays my curiosity and now I understand. I too would like to meet with you. I went through the south end of Illinois and Iowa too I think. I may get a bit more north if I do decide to go to the U.P. of Michigan but do not knoe at this point. I will be in Weaubleau, Mo. for a few days at my friend's place again soon. And you are right I get to Mo. fairly often so there are future possibilities to get together. I'm looking forward to it someday.
Hugs,
Laurie
We'll make it happen, Girl!
Quote from: Laurie on July 02, 2017, 03:30:57 PM
I just got his response and I can tell you I cried to find out that he doesn't hate me now nor does it sound like it will affect our friendship.
Don't you love it when someone surprises you for the best and the fears dissolve? I have had that happen, and it is so beautiful that tears are inevitable. Good choice of friends!
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 02, 2017, 05:29:41 PM
Don't you love it when someone surprises you for the best and the fears dissolve? I have had that happen, and it is so beautiful that tears are inevitable. Good choice of friends!
Yes Kathy it is a wonderful thing to be surprised in that way.
I see you updated your avatar picture. It looks good.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on July 02, 2017, 05:57:37 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 02, 2017, 05:29:41 PM
Don't you love it when someone surprises you for the best and the fears dissolve? I have had that happen, and it is so beautiful that tears are inevitable. Good choice of friends!
Yes Kathy it is a wonderful thing to be surprised in that way.
I see you updated your avatar picture. It looks good.
Hugs,
Laurie
Ditto, Kathy, love the new pic! You look great, and very happy. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Laurie on July 02, 2017, 05:57:37 PM
I see you updated your avatar picture. It looks good.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on July 02, 2017, 06:00:11 PM
Ditto, Kathy, love the new pic! You look great, and very happy. :)
Thanks, you two! :D
You seem to have a little sparkle in your new avatar photo Kathy. Sara
Quote from: coldHeart on July 02, 2017, 06:15:26 PM
You seem to have a little sparkle in your new avatar photo Kathy. Sara
Yeah. She's getting cuter. Full-time life agrees with her.
Quote from: coldHeart on July 02, 2017, 06:15:26 PM
You seem to have a little sparkle in your new avatar photo Kathy. Sara
Quote from: Michelle_P on July 02, 2017, 07:06:11 PM
Yeah. She's getting cuter. Full-time life agrees with her.
Thank you both! I have to agree that full-time life certainly does agree with me. I love it!
Laurie
Sorry we couldn't meet.
If you had given me a day before notice, I could have gotten up early (which for me is around 9 am). Fridays and Saturdays are busy days for me getting ready to go out clubbing. It was good talking to you on the phone.
I will look for your narrative of your trip.
Georgette
Quote from: Georgette on July 03, 2017, 11:26:59 PM
Laurie
Sorry we couldn't meet.
If you had given me a day before notice, I could have gotten up early (which for me is around 9 am). Fridays and Saturdays are busy days for me getting ready to go out clubbing. It was good talking to you on the phone.
I will look for your narrative of your trip.
Georgette
Georgette,
I too would have like things to have worked out differently and been able to meet with you. I believe had I given you more notice or had I been willing to stay another night you would have had me out at all hours partying with you and your friends. Though I really wanted yo meet you I was already on overload with the exposure to the DC metro and surrounding area. To hectic with all to much humanity for me. I really cannot understand how you and Terri do it. I needed to retreat.
Sorry I failed to make it work for us Georgette.
Hugs,
Laurie
Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk
Evening folks,
Laurie here but you knew that. Now that my road trip has come to an end I will be continuing the life and times of Laurie here. I wrote a rather long winded wrap up to my trip on that thread and if you would like to read it the thread can be accessed here ..
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,224341.new.html#top
I will not repeat what I wrote there except to say thank you to all that had a part in making it so wonderful for me.
I feel a very different person returned home from it than the one that left on it a month ago. I have had several people remark that I seem happier as Laurie than I was before. I guess being trans agrees with me as I continue working to accept who I am.
Honey! I'm home!
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi again folks,
Here I am just returned from the best road trip of my life thanks to all of you who had a part in it. I'm feel good , upbeat and ready to take on the world talking about trying to continue on as Laurie full time. I'm taking out the trash, checking mail, and walking around in my apartment and all is well with the world.
Then I went to the store to do a little grocery shopping. I immediately noticed several other shoppers clock me and whispering to the others they were with, who in turn tried to sneak looks at me themselves. Not just one or two but 3 or 4 groups Gosh I wouldn't have been surprised to see little children running off screaming to their mothers except there weren't any that I saw. All the way across country and back, at gas stations, restaurants, in stores on trains and not once did I see this occur and in one grocery store I caused not one or two but at least 3 and maybe 4 such commotions. Had this happened before going on the road trip I do not think I would have traveled as Laurie and may not have even met everyone as myself. Had it happened before it would have ruined my resolve to at least start out as Laurie and meet Jane and Randy as I did. I am pretty sure of it.
But it did not happen before my trip and because of that I came home better prepared to not let it bother me too much. I cannot say it didn't bother me because it did. But it wasn't enough to stop shopping and flee from the store. I checked out with a young man who was polite and professional pleasantly inquiring if I had found what I wanted and other politeness'. So I bagged my purchased and left without further instances.
yup I'm home again *sigh*
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie, girl, you are an inspiration! You could title your road trip thread "How I set out to find Maine and discovered myself." You remind us that being ourselves and being with good people are what this road trip of life is all about.
Though I find sustained wackiness hard to participate in and I therefore took a back seat on your journey, I thoughrouly enjoyed reading about your travels, meetups, and transformation.
Yes, back in real life, there are going to be "looks" and stuff. But knowing yourself now, you don't have to pay any attention to those people and what they think.
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 16, 2017, 06:51:33 AM
Laurie, girl, you are an inspiration! You could title your road trip thread "How I set out to find Maine and discovered myself." You remind us that being ourselves and being with good people are what this road trip of life is all about.
That would be a good title with one exception. I fibbed when I said I went in search of myself. It is what I was doing but it was not a conscious thought when I set out. I because obvious to me that that is what I was doing only after I noticed things changing in me as I went. Each person or persons I met played a part in my progress.
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 16, 2017, 06:51:33 AM
Though I find sustained wackiness hard to participate in and I therefore took a back seat on your journey, I thoughrouly enjoyed reading about your travels, meetups, and transformation.
I'm glad you followed my journey even though the inanity was a bit much for you. The nonsense takes on a life of it's own at times and this was one of them. I even shook my head at some of it, But this nonsense is a part of me. I don't seem to be able to not try to inject humor into my conversations. I think it is a coping mechanism for me just as my crossdressing was helping me cope with what I now believe to be gender dysphoria. It helps keep the wolves at bay. I've never really felt comfortable with and have trouble relating to others and humor helps with that.
I'm sorry if it was a bit much for you. I love seeing what you post in my threads and you my dear, are very much an inspiration to me. I would have come visit you if I had that passport. We still might meet someday.
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 16, 2017, 06:51:33 AM
Yes, back in real life, there are going to be "looks" and stuff. But knowing yourself now, you don't have to pay any attention to those people and what they think.
I know there will be looks and 7 months ago I would have had a terrible time coping with them and like I said I think they would have change how I did this trip had it happened before starting it. But it didn't happen before and so it did not interfere with the wonderful people I met and the experiences I had. I do believe a different person returned home from the one that left. There will still be rocky times and I'll come to you people here for help with them and talk to my therapist about them but for now life is good as I bask in the glow of the experience.
Love and hugs,
Laurie
So happy for you and what a support group you had , go girls go
Quote from: davina61 on July 16, 2017, 02:24:05 PM
So happy for you and what a support group you had , go girls go
Thanks Davina. It was one heck of a good experience for me. I was happy that I could share it with everyone through this thread. This thread allowed everyone interested to participate in some way if they wanted to and many of you did. That made it all the better for me. And yes I have one heck of a support group here.
You are part of my support Davina. Thank you.
Hugs,
Laurie
I am going to put in a shameless plug for Susan's Place here. Without this site I we would not have had the means to share this wonderful experience nor would many of us get the support we need to deal with our trans issues. I am thankful that this site is here for us and thankful for Susan and all the staff for the jobs they do to keep it running smoothly. I contribute to help keep this site online and ask everyone else to donate what they are able to also.
Hi everyone,
Well I've been home for three days and as I said I was going to, I'm still in girl mode. I've been grocery shopping in the two stores I normally shop in. Met a new apartment manager. Done my laundry from the trip. Taken out the trash and got the mail. And all was well with the world.
Then I made a comment to my daughter via facebook and now thing aren't so good. My 5 yro (I think) granddaughter had been sick and spent the day and night throwing up until she got some zofran from the ER. I inquired how she was doing and got the answer she was doing better. I thanked her from answering me and said it was more than I got from my oldest granddaughter when I had sent a message to he saying hi and that I loved and missed all of them. That comment caused all sorts of problems by my daughter having to ask my granddaughter what I sad=id and that apparently upset my overly sensitive grandaughters fragile emotions as she is overly sensitive and has a difficult time with my usual negative opinions and does not know how to handle them and is intimidated by me and that is why she hides in her room when I am around etc etc. You get the picture, I got a fancy worded ass chewing. to which I responded she would not have to worry henceforth because I promise never to tell my granddaughter the I love them all and miss then ever again. And I proceeded to tell my daughter that I would not be bothering them anymore and that it was plain that she blames me for all of her life problems from her poor home life when I was drinking and drugging and had anger issues. I told her I had done all I could to repair the damage I caused her but it hasn't done any good. I also told her that her reaction and response to my coming out to her and my son in law and her comment in her facebook prayer request after they told the kids hurt me. I stopped short of telling her I am not broken and her god cannot fix me. I also told her I still love her and the family but that I no longer feel welcome there due to her response.
I have taken the two older kids and her husband off my friends list and after giving her time to respond if she wants to I will do the same with her. So far nothing and I don't think I'll get a response.
I feel like crap. Excuse me while I go cry. I'll feel better tomorrow.
Goodnight,
Laurie
There are time for tears and for sorrow, that is part of life and sadly an intrinsic part of this journey.
There are also times when a friend reaches out and opens her arms to give another a friend a hug and a kiss.
This is one of those times.
Hug
Hey Laurie
That sucks, the whole thing, there are no wins in situations like these only loses. You have done everything you can. I feel from my understanding you have been really patient with her I hope you are feeling a bit better after a nights sleep.
Take Care
Hugs
Liz
Hi Laurie,
Wow, that is a really tough thing to have to go through! Not dismissing your pain at all but recognizing it, we all go through painful rejection and it hurts so much. Just remember that you have friends here that care. Please reach out ti me if it will help, you have my number.
Tia Anne
I am so sorry that your family is letting you down. That has to be very painful. I hope that they will come around eventually, but they may not, and you will have to do what you have to do.
In the meantime, here's a big hug: ((((Laurie))))
Kathy
Laurie, I was saddened to read this latest development. Unfortunately, family can be very rough to deal with. They are the ones who knew us before we came out, know what we are sensitive about, and for better or worse, know what can hurt us.
Family can accept us for what we are and welcome our true selves with open arms. Unfortunately, unlike others, family can also use us as a distorted mirror to reflect all of their own issues and troubles. (I've gotten both responses.)
It took me many hours of therapy to figure this out, and realize there was little I could do beyond stepping back from hostility and anger. In time, they may find healing and move past their current issues. Meanwhile, you take care of yourself first. You've spent far too long putting what others want you to be before being true to yourself.
In your recent trip, I think you experienced the broader world, and likely found more acceptance and tolerance than you expected. By now you should know that being your authentic self is OK, and you have the power to forgive your past self and become a better person.
Now do it, and eventually others will see the authentic you and recognize that better person.
Thank you all for the support and kind words. I probably shouldn't have said what I did to my daughter or posted about it here. My daughter is a good and loving mother to my grand children and she did have a difficult home life. Much of it caused by me and my inability to cope with life issues myself. My insecurities and fears that I have talked about in reference to my transition are not new to me at all. They dogged my married and family life and unfortunately they all but destroyed what used to be a loving relationship with my daughter when she was little. I suppose it still is. Try as I might I have not been able to overcome the blame she has for me. My coming out as trans to her didn't do me any favors with her.
I was correct in my prediction that I would not get another response from her last night. I probably would not have liked reading it if I had. I have taken the step of dropping my ties with her and the family on facebook. I think it best if I do not continue to see updates there as it will only cause me more pain. If in the remote chance she wishes to contact me she has my email and my phone number. I will strive not to initiate a conversation with her again as I don't believe it would be a good thing to do.
I'm sorry I caused all of you concern over my personal problems though I am grateful for it. I had a bit of a cry and a bit of sleep both of which has helped. Sometimes life hurts and you have to feel it. Thank you all for being there for me and reaching out. I'm okay.
Hugs,
Laurie
As is said, you can pick your friends but you cant pick your family. That sucks Laurie but as for burdening us on the forum NO, friends here who will support you . Its like a good therapy session , cuddles Davina XX
Quote from: Laurie on July 19, 2017, 10:49:57 AM
I'm sorry I caused all of you concern over my personal problems though I am grateful for it. I had a bit of a cry and a bit of sleep both of which has helped. Sometimes life hurts and you have to feel it. Thank you all for being there for me and reaching out. I'm okay.
Hugs,
Laurie
Don't be sorry Laurie, we were just concerned that you were OK and you are, so problem solved!!
Liz
My thanks again Liz and Davina.
Laurie
Hi folks,
Well I have gone an done it. I made yet another OMG What have I done moment. Wow do I ever feel weird.
I just posted that I was transitioning on my facebook page with a picture.
As Shania Twain said in her song Love Gets Me Every Time..
"I gol' darn gone and done it"
For better or worse it's done I done hit the post button. I guess I am out now.
Hugs,
Laurie
Screw hiding, live your life as you wish. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on July 20, 2017, 01:22:20 PM
Screw hiding, live your life as you wish. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
That's what I am trying to do Devlyn but it doesn't make it any less scary.
Laurie
No going back now then, well done the next thing will be you going for that make over or shopping in you best dress
Quote from: davina61 on July 20, 2017, 03:34:02 PM
No going back now then, well done the next thing will be you going for that make over or shopping in you best dress
Thanks Davina, I can always count on you for a smile. Yep the cat's out of the bag now and the responses so far have been good enought to make me cry some more. Dang hormones.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie,
I am sorry you are having such a hard time with your family.
Way to go on FB. That took courage. Do you feel relieved you did it?
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on July 20, 2017, 04:10:23 PM
Laurie,
I am sorry you are having such a hard time with your family.
Way to go on FB. That took courage. Do you feel relieved you did it?
Hi Rachel,
Thanks. I'm sorry about the family too but it is what it is and I have to do what I need to do. Unfortunately I lose my grand kids in the conflict too. I will survive and it will be what it will be. I'm finished crying about it and being hurt. I'm not broke and god can't fix me.
Am I relieved about posting on facebook and for all intents and purposes coming out for good? I would have to say yes but it was not easy to do. I felt the need to do it while driving the last stretch home from my trip. It took me until today to actually do it and it was with a sinking feeling that I hit that post button. So far I am getting responses in support of what I'm doing. I do not really expect to receive responses from those that will not support me. It is more likely they will fade into the shadows. What's kind of funny was the first 2 responses were from friends from those shadows. Friends that I seldom interact with anymore. But they are still there and apparently reading what I post.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie,
I think we can't live a life without acting like a fool at some point. I know I have, you have, and daughters are not immune to this type of activity either. The smart folks learn from their mistakes and move on. I am not big on religion but I hear people say things like, 'It is not for me to judge. God is a forgiving God." When people use religion to do battle with loved ones, it really is a sad misunderstanding of the true meaning of why they honor a God. (Mainly thinking Christianity here.) This to me is all logical stuff, I know you hurt on an emotional level. You have a lot of love headed your way from people on here (I hear even ThatWoman sends you hugs.) I know you are strong, but it is okay to hurt, to mourn loss, and also, when the time is right to move on. Love you Girl and wish the best for you.
Moni
ThatWoman--"Can I give her a hard time now?
Moni--"No, she's having a hard time right now!"
ThatWoman--"How about now? I'll just mispronounce her name or something"
Moni--"You either make her smile, or go to your room!"
ThatWoman--"Oh man, I never have any fun!"
Moni--"Okay she's pouting. Does that ease your soul just a little?" XOXO
Quote from: HappyMoni on July 20, 2017, 04:41:21 PM
Laurie,
I think we can't live a life without acting like a fool at some point. I know I have, you have, and daughters are not immune to this type of activity either. The smart folks learn from their mistakes and move on. I am not big on religion but I hear people say things like, 'It is not for me to judge. God is a forgiving God." When people use religion to do battle with loved ones, it really is a sad misunderstanding of the true meaning of why they honor a God. (Mainly thinking Christianity here.) This to me is all logical stuff, I know you hurt on an emotional level. You have a lot of love headed your way from people on here (I hear even ThatWoman sends you hugs.) I know you are strong, but it is okay to hurt, to mourn loss, and also, when the time is right to move on. Love you Girl and wish the best for you.
Moni
ThatWoman--"Can I give her a hard time now?
Moni--"No, she's having a hard time right now!"
ThatWoman--"How about now? I'll just mispronounce her name or something"
Moni--"You either make her smile, or go to your room!"
ThatWoman--"Oh man, I never have any fun!"
Moni--"Okay she's pouting. Does that ease your soul just a little?" XOXO
Here she come now singing Moni Moni...
Moni, you make me laugh even when you cause me tears. Yes, I hurt.
Love ya
Laurie
Quote from: davina61 on July 19, 2017, 02:35:20 PM
As is said, you can pick your friends but you cant pick your family. Davina XX
You are right Davina. In America that expression goes like this, "You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends noses."
Laurie congrats on Facebook outings. In for a penny, in for a pound! (Is that right Davina?) It is no mistake to do it.
Moni
Laurie sorry for not repling sooner
I'm really sorry to heard about your daughter & grand children it really hurts I know as I lost my family over an arguments years ago, give you daughter some time to digest it all like you said she has you number & email so you never know.
We're all hear to support you & keep that moni woman of your back. Renting you hugs from the UK. Sara
I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's issue with you being transgender, Laurie. It sucks that the simple act of not hiding one's inner gender identity is met with so much hostility sometimes.
But consider this, if your grandchildren are any any way gender nonconforming, lgbt or different from everybody else in any way they now have a strong grandparent to look up to as a model. And so does your daughter as well. Since you are keeping the door open there is always hope, with time, to reconcile all differences between you.
Hey everyone thanks for the support. Yeah, having the run in with my daughter though not directly over my being trans, it was indicative of how my telling her has been affecting our relationship. We've not discussed it any more since I told her, but there is a proverbial elephant in the room. I needed to do something even if it turns out wrong.
btw Since I am out on facebook I see no reason not to invite you to join me there it you would like. You can use the link in my profile
Positive support is all I'm seeing so far.
Hugs,
Laurie
*sigh* I guess it';s time to get back to mundane things. My electrologist returned my call and I've 2 appointments set for next month for another 3 hours. 2 hours on the 2nd first and then 1 hour about 2 weeks later. I may increase the second appointment to 2 hours if the first goes well and finances allow it.
I guess I'll go buy more plastic wrap so the emla cream doesn't dry out. I know I'll still feel silly wearing it. I'm beginning to think facial hair dysphoria is an acquired thing. Since I've been dressing daily I've become more bothered by my facial hair sometimes shaving twice a day though with my beard it not that noticeable. The problem is, I know it's there and I don't like it. More so now than ever before. More and more I feel it shouldn't be there.
Is it dyspohria? I don't know but I want it gone.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Laurie, I'm sorry I didn't spot the recent issues you were having with your family and some friends on Facebook. That wasn't exactly easy.
And here is your hug, I wish I could do that in person right now. You have done so much and inspired many people.
Quote from: HappyMoni on July 20, 2017, 04:50:46 PM
"You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends noses."
See, Moni can write poetry.
Quote from: Kendra on July 20, 2017, 07:23:09 PM
Hi Laurie, I'm sorry I didn't spot the recent issues you were having with your family and some friends on Facebook. That wasn't exactly easy.
And here is your hug, I wish I could do that in person right now. You have done so much and inspired many people.
See, Moni can write poetry.
Thanks Kendra,
Facebook has been running positive with no negative comments. Even hearing from some I having talked to for awhile. I'm okay on the family front but I knew there was a problem there when I told her. I just escalated it somewhat. I'll live. but thank you.
What are you doing tomorrow or Saturday? Think you can spare a couple hours? we don't need to go anywhere or do anything I just want to meet you in person since I didn't want to go out of the way to do so on my way home. Even Sunday would work for me. You pick and tell me what time keeping in mind it's about a 3.5 hour drive.
Quote from: Laurie on July 20, 2017, 07:09:00 PM
*sigh* I guess it';s time to get back to mundane things. My electrologist returned my call and I've 2 appointments set for next month for another 3 hours. 2 hours on the 2nd first and then 1 hour about 2 weeks later. I may increase the second appointment to 2 hours if the first goes well and finances allow it.
I guess I'll go buy more plastic wrap so the emla cream doesn't dry out. I know I'll still feel silly wearing it. I'm beginning to think facial hair dysphoria is an acquired thing. Since I've been dressing daily I've become more bothered by my facial hair sometimes shaving twice a day though with my beard it not that noticeable. The problem is, I know it's there and I don't like it. More so now than ever before. More and more I feel it shouldn't be there.
Is it dyspohria? I don't know but I want it gone.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie,
Ever watch a vine grow? It starts at one place and goes everywhere. It is a little like dysphoria. It kind of starts and grows and starts popping up in unexpected places. Oh and it is itchy as hell too, so it is like poison ivy. I think as you go, you will find more things that will make you itch.
Moni
Kendra, if that is poetry you like, a have a friend in Nantucket you might want to talk to. :)
Quote from: HappyMoni on July 20, 2017, 08:21:09 PM
Laurie,
Ever watch a vine grow? It starts at one place and goes everywhere. It is a little like dysphoria. It kind of starts and grows and starts popping up in unexpected places. Oh and it is itchy as hell too, so it is like poison ivy. I think as you go, you will find more things that will make you itch.
Moni
Kendra, if that is poetry you like, a have a friend in Nantucket you might want to talk to. :)
I probably caught it from you Moaner , er Miney oh heck whoever you are today. You had an excess of it and was shedding all over when I came to see you. I was fine before then. Yeah! that's the ticket. It's all your fault. I'm good with that.
Hugs,
Laurie
There once was a girl named Moni...
Quote from: Laurie on July 20, 2017, 07:09:00 PM
I guess I'll go buy more plastic wrap so the emla cream doesn't dry out. I know I'll still feel silly wearing it. I'm beginning to think facial hair dysphoria is an acquired thing. Since I've been dressing daily I've become more bothered by my facial hair sometimes shaving twice a day though with my beard it not that noticeable. The problem is, I know it's there and I don't like it. More so now than ever before. More and more I feel it shouldn't be there.
Is it dyspohria? I don't know but I want it gone.
Yes to the plastic wrap, and don't forget tape to seal the edges. You want the package to be airtight. One more tip: No coffee or chocolate. I knew about the no coffee thing, but didn't pay much attention since I am not a big coffee drinker. But it suddenly occurred to me that some of my more painful sessions were on days when I had had some chocolate shortly before the electro session. I made a point to not eat chocolate before my last two sessions (truly a hardship for me), and the pain was way less. Of course, chocolate has a caffeine-like substance in it, but I seldom think of that since it doesn't keep me awake.
I too am discovering "new" dysphorias, and facial hair is one of them. I don't think it is really new. I think what happens is that my "volume control" for sensing this stuff was set to almost zero most of my life. I had to have it that low in order to survive. As I deal with the more obvious dysphorias, I gradually turn up the volume on my sensitivity, and some of the lesser dysphorias become evident. As a result, stuff that I was okay with before now bugs the hell out of me.
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 20, 2017, 08:44:22 PM
Yes to the plastic wrap, and don't forget tape to seal the edges. You want the package to be airtight. One more tip: No coffee or chocolate. I knew about the no coffee thing, but didn't pay much attention since I am not a big coffee drinker. But it suddenly occurred to me that some of my more painful sessions were on days when I had had some chocolate shortly before the electro session. I made a point to not eat chocolate before my last two sessions (truly a hardship for me), and the pain was way less. Of course, chocolate has a caffeine-like substance in it, but I seldom think of that since it doesn't keep me awake.
I too am discovering "new" dysphorias, and facial hair is one of them. I don't think it is really new. I think what happens is that my "volume control" for sensing this stuff was set to almost zero most of my life. I had to have it that low in order to survive. As I deal with the more obvious dysphorias, I gradually turn up the volume on my sensitivity, and some of the lesser dysphorias become evident. As a result, stuff that I was okay with before now bugs the hell out of me.
Hi Kathy,
Did you see? I'm trying full time! I figured if I could do a month running across country and back I could probably do full time. So I'm trying it I'm counting from the 26th of June sine the 25th was the last time I wore male clothes.
Thanks for the tips and I'm sticking with the dysphoria things being something I caught from "That Woman" you know Moonie or Moolah or whateva. It's all her fault for shedding it on me when I visited her.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on July 20, 2017, 08:52:05 PM
Did you see? I'm trying full time! I figured if I could do a month running across country and back I could probably do full time. So I'm trying it I'm counting from the 26th of June sine the 25th was the last time I wore male clothes.
I did indeed see that. Congratulations! It kind of makes sense after your epic road trip. How could you ever go back? You aare amazing!
Laurie if you're free tomorrow Friday that would be awesome - if you can avoid any part of the rush hour traffic. Or if not, I will get to your town in the next few weeks.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on July 20, 2017, 08:35:53 PM
There once was a girl named Moni...
Alright Devlyn, here goes. I have to, I can't help it.
There once was a girl named Moni,
Who grew tired of her Clyde and those ponies.
Then along comes McGinn
A surgeon who wins
Moni's outtie is now an innie, so she grins.
Ladies and Gentlemen we have a winner....that is pure magic thankyou for the huge belly laugh you just gave me... :D
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 20, 2017, 09:23:03 PM
I did indeed see that. Congratulations! It kind of makes sense after your epic road trip. How could you ever go back? You aare amazing!
Thanks Kathy,
I don't know about being amazing but the road trip sure was for me. And yes it did so much for me meeting all those other ladies at different stages and with different desires living their lives as they need to. Their effect on me was life changing I think. I am so happy I did it. Not I need to face even more challenges as I try to live my life as I desire.
I haven't blazed any trails or discovered anything new except for myself somewhere along the way. I'm Laurie and glad to meet myself thanks to everyone else.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie you are suffering from a rare disorder call "MONIPHOBIA"
Fear of that woman.😊
Quote from: coldHeart on July 21, 2017, 05:59:27 AM
Laurie you are suffering from a rare disorder call "MONIPHOBIA"
Fear of that woman.😊
You might be right Sara. You might be right. But one day I shall once again hunt her down and bag my prey. She does seem to be getting hardier and more bold by the day. Perhaps I will eventual have a formidable foe worthy of the hunt.
I do hope you are doing better also Sara.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Kendra on July 20, 2017, 09:29:38 PM
Laurie if you're free tomorrow Friday that would be awesome - if you can avoid any part of the rush hour traffic. Or if not, I will get to your town in the next few weeks.
Alright Devlyn, here goes. I have to, I can't help it.
There once was a girl named Moni,
Who grew tired of her Clyde and those ponies.
Then along comes McGinn
A surgeon who wins
Moni's outtie is now an innie, so she grins.
OMG I love it. My privates were even laughing at that one Kendra.
In my defense, and with Devil Lynn's moderator permission, I can only offer this rebuttal of my father's favorite limerick.
There once was a man from Devises
who had balls of different sizes
One was so small, it was no ball at all
the other had won several prizes.
As for your blame Laurie, I accept it as a badge of honor.
Moni (AS IN BONNIE)
Quote from: coldHeart on July 21, 2017, 05:59:27 AM
Laurie you are suffering from a rare disorder call "MONIPHOBIA"
Fear of that woman.😊
Sing it with me Sara,
Laurie, Laurie bow Baurie, Banana Bana Bow Borie, Laurie!
Quote from: HappyMoni on July 21, 2017, 09:05:29 AM
OMG I love it. My privates were even laughing at that one Kendra.
In my defense, and with Devil Lynn's moderator permission, I can only offer this rebuttal of my father's favorite limerick.
There once was a man from Devises
who had balls of different sizes
One was so small, it was no ball at all
the other had won several prizes.
As for your blame Laurie, I accept it as a badge of honor.
Moni (AS IN BONNIE)
:'( :'( :'( :'( Sniff sniffle :'( :'( :'( :'(
You didn't have to bring that up Moanacoa (as in Moanaloa)
I told you they are one of the things I want gone for just that reason.
Now you are stooping to airing my dirty laundry???
I'll remember how you stooped to low blows when I hunt you down again.
But for now I have other prey to hunt. Today it's a mini road trip to hunt down the elusive Kendra.
A creature so tough she lives in a gutted building without a kitchen and forages in the neighborhood for her meals.
I will even have to pack in my own ice water to stay hydrated....
The safari begins after breakfast.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: HappyMoni on July 21, 2017, 09:05:29 AM
> OMG I love it. My privates were even laughing at that one Kendra.
I was hoping that wouldn't put you in stitches. Eek did I just say that?
Quote from: Laurie on July 21, 2017, 09:31:21 AM
> Today it's a mini road trip to hunt down the elusive Kendra
Yay!!! So looking forward to seeing you today. Just don't trip over the power tools and lumber when you come in. I tend to not do things half way - whether I'm remodeling my place, or myself.
Cindy, we're doing it again (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,103816.0.html)!
The Devyl had not long to wait
For Kendra to take the bait
The silly limerick show
Is now on the go
And your rhyming we shall rate.
Hugs, Devlyn
Okay Kendra beware the hunt begins now...
Sorry I only hunt free range tofu and veggies. Must be a Seattle thing.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on July 21, 2017, 12:06:59 PM
Cindy, we're doing it again (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,103816.0.html)!
The Devyl had not long to wait
For Kendra to take the bait
The silly limerick show
Is now on the go
And your rhyming we shall rate.
Hugs, Devlyn
Oh no! I wake up in pain and see this!!
There was a young woman named Devlyn
Who hailed from a city called Boston
She had to be sorry for takin' in Laurie
And swore to never take in another lost'n
Where are my meds? It must be a bad dream, just a bad dream...I'll be Ok...sleep now..sleep
It's Cindy from the land of down under
She's stealing some of Devlyn's own thunder
But that really is ok
In an upside down way
As she greets us with cheers and g'day
well I would have a go at a rhyme
but not sure if I have the time
As Laurie is tripping
and I will soon be kipping
will have to wait till tomorrow to see.
Laurie is fun
when she's out on a run
you can hear the bells ring
the little birdies sing
As long as her posting is done.
Ain't it quiet on here when she's on a truck trip. >:-)
Moni
Limericks are lots of fun
Almost more than a pun
Never mind thunder
What I really wonder
Is poor Kendra still on the run?
I know it's not in the TOS but we have a problem in this thread. A limerick is supposed to be 5 lines long and follow the AABBA rhyme pattern. So far, Devlyn is the winner in writing proper limericks.
I hope Dena has begun
To rewrite the rules for our fun
She isn't a stickler
But if you tickle her
You better be prepared to run!
<running away>
Quote from: Dena on July 21, 2017, 04:35:22 PM
I know it's not in the TOS but we have a problem in this thread. A limerick is supposed to be 5 lines long and follow the AABBA rhyme pattern. So far, Devlyn is the winner in writing proper limericks.
AND, it is supposed to be in jig rhythm.
We're playing the Devyl's game
Although it may feel kind of tame
But this odd limerick timing
With a few days of rhyming
Won't leave your grey matter the same.
I am no poet
and now you all know It
I've done all I can
there really is no plan
so maybe I should just stow it
Trans folk are not competitive, no way!
Moni
Laurie appeared out of nowhere! Well actually she appeared from her truck or a lorry thingie as Davina would call it. I'll admit we had a really great visit in Kirkland/Seattle. I feel guilty for not driving anywhere while Laurie made Road Trip version 1.1 look so easy. I'm not sure if she has returned to Portland Oregon yet, she said something about stopping in Colorado for gas.
Quote from: Dena on July 21, 2017, 04:35:22 PM
I know it's not in the TOS but we have a problem in this thread. A limerick is supposed to be 5 lines long and follow the AABBA rhyme pattern. So far, Devlyn is the winner in writing proper limericks.
Wow that's amazing, I didn't know the Devlyn started ABBA. After looking more closely now I see now - she's the blonde in their 1974 album cover photo. I bet the Swedish-Boston accent helps her disguise.
Quote from: Kendra on July 21, 2017, 12:16:53 PM
Sorry I only hunt free range tofu and veggies. Must be a Seattle thing.
::) ::) ::) I wasn't asking you to help me hunt silly...
O M G !
I went for a little ride
To find where Kendra doth abide
And when I get back
I find my thread's been hijacked
And all in the name of Clyde
Dagnabit how could the administrators and mods let such dastardly deed go unpunished?
Outside of having to fight a fair bit of Seattle area traffic to get there I had another really good time swapping words and sharing a good Thai meal with Kendra. Her home (well eventually it will be a home and a very cool one at that) is (will be) a condo that sits on the edge of Lake Washington (BIG lake) and has are very nice view. If you look out across the lake you could even possibly forget about the mass of humanity that is all around on the shore behind you. I see how it could be very nice and relaxing place to let down you hair and get comfy. We went out side to the floating deck to sit in the sun and begin our talks. No, no she didn't try to push me in(it just appeared she did) I trip and she caught me. Of course the obligated me to let her live another day as it would not have been right to go ahead and harvest my heroine's head as a trophy after that now would it? So I contented myself with good conversation. These conversations are what made my road trip visits so awesome.
After a bit we went for a walk to see a little of what the town has to offer and wound up at one of the many shore side parks to sit on a bench and talk some more. As it got later we agreed that some dinner was in order and Kendra attempted to get me to choose the cuisine. But having vastly more experience at deflecting responsibility and decisions I maneuvered her into choosing a local Thai restaurant she has dined at previously. If it had been left up to me we would still be wandering the streets in search of food.
I had one very good and enjoyable visit with Kendra and think she would agree. I would change only one thing had I known where she lives. I would have brought my fishing poles and some bait. I'll have to investigate fishing regs as they pertain to fishing in a public lake from private property.
Thank you very much for a very good visit Kendra.
Hugs,
Laurie
Several of these Devlymericks are great.
When I say have a nice trip and you're on a deck with a swim ladder I suppose that might give you pause. Or a splash.
Laurie you are so natural in person, love your smile. Incredible considering you have out and about as your true self less than a month. Before long the other way will quickly drift into the past.
Oregon doesn't have sales tax, Washington State does. I think you can fish from my dock (I've never tried it) but you have to toss ten percent back in. You get to choose which ten percent. Where did Clyde go?
Quote from: Kendra on July 22, 2017, 09:13:23 AM
Several of these Devlymericks are great.
When I say have a nice trip and you're on a deck with a swim ladder I suppose that might give you pause. Or a splash.
Laurie you are so natural in person, love your smile. Incredible considering you have out and about as your true self less than a month. Before long the other way will quickly drift into the past.
Oregon doesn't have sales tax, Washington State does. I think you can fish from my dock (I've never tried it) but you have to toss ten percent back in. You get to choose which ten percent. Where did Clyde go?
I knew I forgot something... Clyde m'dear is safely tucked in my purse until I find an safer place for him. I meant to whip him out and show you. It would probably have embarrassed Munie but that sounds like more incentive to have done it huh?
Hugs,
Laurie
Our ladies they were confidin'
Of a plan to lure in Poseidon
At 0 dark o'clock
They went down to the dock
And on a big hook they threw Clyde in.
Quote from: Kendra on July 22, 2017, 02:03:03 AM
Wow that's amazing, I didn't know the Devlyn started ABBA. After looking more closely now I see now - she's the blonde in their 1974 album cover photo. I bet the Swedish-Boston accent helps her disguise.
I loved Devil Lynn in Mama Mia. There she goes again!
Quote from: Kendra on July 22, 2017, 02:03:03 AM
Wow that's amazing, I didn't know the Devlyn started ABBA. After looking more closely now I see now - she's the blonde in their 1974 album cover photo. I bet the Swedish-Boston accent helps her disguise.
I loved Devil Lynn in Mama Mia. There she goes again!
Hi folks,
I thought you might like to see some pictures takes during my visit with Kendra now that I figured out how to get them uploaded to my computer.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FlVOG046.jpg&hash=6658333d7a3560dd4299bc0f5979d4f4b8135ac2)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fpi32Wjv.jpg&hash=4b559b5d0f32d6c9dabfa24a668217b23f597558)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FmGNIxzD.jpg&hash=f9b736ea40a891981ae064eacd43a756895d6a49)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FxEbzgcp.jpg&hash=354b3f95f0bcfb7c4d8e928e6bc551a64662e3af)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FH7gIDvT.jpg&hash=bc170d8194df47e7f1a605226f2ab4844b8c6e11)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FNjQ7XRy.jpg&hash=3eccee6a2633d082dcd8a18e8540e955eec4dfb0)
Wonderful visit with another awesome lady. Thanks Kendra
Hugs,
Laurie
Lovely pics, ladies!
Good to see you together.
It's nice to meet friends. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
that's 2 lines short and it doesn't rhyme!!!!!! From the photos it looks like you had a very nice time and I must say looking good my dear it defiantly suits you (being you)
Thanks Davina,
And I am starting to believe that part about being me looks good on me. I just might be beginning to accept that I really am transgender and doing the right thing. Thanks to the support and encouragement from all of you.
Many more here need to start accepting themselves and work at loving the person they really are. My heart breaks reading the posts of those that really struggle. I admire how in the face of that punishing wait for help, you have forged ahead Davina and are doing what you can to be yourself in the meantime.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: davina61 on July 22, 2017, 01:19:59 PM
that's 2 lines short and it doesn't rhyme!!!!!!
That's true, but the Devyl works in mysterious ways. We'll see what Kendra thinks. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Laurie on July 22, 2017, 03:27:58 PM
Thanks Davina,
And I am starting to believe that part about being me looks good on me. I just might be beginning to accept that I really am transgender and doing the right thing. Thanks to the support and encouragement from all of you.
Many more here need to start accepting themselves and work at loving the person the really are. My heart breaks read the posts of those that really struggle. I admire how in the face of that punishing wait for help you have forged ahead doing what you can to be yourself in the meantime.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie, thanks for this. Getting past the self-loathing dumped on us by our culture and accepting ourselves sounds so simple, but it is absolutely key. Self-acceptance is how we can turn the key on our cell, release ourselves, and find our way to peace and happiness.
Sometimes we need help to realize this and get past our denial. I had considerable help here to do that, and like I think you do, I want to pass that along to others.
Acceptance. So simple, and yet so powerful.
Laurie,
Both Deb and I really like that look of peace and joy in your face in your photos with Kendra (Kendra, you certainly show that same happiness and completeness as well). My, my girl, you sure are changing, keep it up!
Tia Anne
Quote from: Michelle_P on July 22, 2017, 03:55:41 PM
Laurie, thanks for this. Getting past the self-loathing dumped on us by our culture and accepting ourselves sounds so simple, but it is absolutely key. Self-acceptance is how we can turn the key on our cell, release ourselves, and find our way to peace and happiness.
Sometimes we need help to realize this and get past our denial. I had considerable help here to do that, and like I think you do, I want to pass that along to others.
Acceptance. So simple, and yet so powerful.
Hi and thank you Michelle,
You and your dogged persistence and determination to make your own way in this world as you are now, has been a big part of my own " considerable help here " from you and so many others. And yes, what better way to give thanks for that help but to see if I can help others in my own little way.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Anne Blake on July 22, 2017, 04:15:25 PM
Laurie,
Both Deb and I really like that look of peace and joy in your face in your photos with Kendra (Kendra, you certainly show that same happiness and completeness as well). My, my girl, you sure are changing, keep it up!
Tia Anne
Thank you Tia and Debi,
The joy and comfort come from learning to accept what I am doing is the right thing for me and letting myself be happy about it. It's learning from the example shown me by you and each of those I could meet with that we are who we are and must do all we can to be at peace with ourselves and the world around us.
Thank you Debi and Tia.
Hugs,
Laurie
The pictures are priceless. The both of you look so happy.
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on July 22, 2017, 05:52:26 PM
The pictures are priceless. The both of you look so happy.
Thank you Rachel,
We did have a great time talking with each other about so many different things. I think I may have met my match in the joys of talking. Kendra made it a formidable competition in seeing who could talk the most. I think it was a draw myself. And yes, there was some gossip involved by the subjects of same shall remain anonymous.
All good, all good.
Hugs,
Laurie
The smile is what shows on the surface but I can't help it, I am far happier than I have ever been. Part of this is due to the people here. Rachel, I read your entire 2013 "MTF in need of help" thread twice when I made the decision last month to arrange for HRT. You are incredibly inspiring and proof of what is possible. All of you.
The support here is fantastic. Lives are changed by the help found on this site. It has helped keep my sanity. Now I will admit to being a little nervous. I won't get preachy but I fear that the site will disappear for lack of support. I hope everyone will consider adding their support. I think we all lose if we can't come here any more.
Monica
Feeling a little melancholy today. Not problems though.
"Motherless Child"
[PIANO]
WHOOAOO
Sometime I feel
Like a motherless child
Sometimes I feel
Like a motherless child
And sometimes I feel
Like a motherless child
A long...long way...from home
WHOOAOO
And sometimes I feel
Like I'm almost gone
Sometimes I feel
Like I'm almost gone
Sometimes I feel
Like I'm all alone
A long...a long way...from home
WHOOAOO, WHOOAOO, WHOOAOO
C'mon, C'mon
Who's got a shoulder when I need to cry
I feel restless and I don't know why
Cry for help, but still feel alone
Like a motherless child along way from home
Lord I'm lost I can't find my way
I'm dealing with the struggles in my day to day
My soul is weak and I wanna be strong
I try to run away but I've been running too long
I've been running too long
I've been running too long
I've been running too long
Like a motherless child
Like a motherless child
Like a motherless child
WHOOAOO Like a motherless child
WHOO Like a motherless child
WHOO Like a motherless child
Like a motherless child...
Sweetie you are not almost gone, you are finally found.
You are not alone, we, your friends are standing with you.
Love,
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on July 23, 2017, 06:35:55 PM
Sweetie you are not almost gone, you are finally found.
You are not alone, we, your friends are standing with you.
Love,
Moni
Thanks Monica,
I know that, and like I said I'm not having a problem just a bit melancholy and the song kind of fit the mood.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie,
Okay, I will give you tonight, but tomorrow the gloves come off. Get some sleep, tomorrow's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Monilito
Hi Folks,
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FzgqX547.jpg&hash=a9b881a10c7dc12eb87f84a059419917bbd04ced)
I took a walk and was returning home walking on the sidewalk between two buildings of the little shopping area next to my apartments when I thought I heard some one call behind me. I ignored it and kept walking despite hearing a couple more times. Then I heard him saying excuse me and stopped and turned to sees a younger man approaching and asking if he could talk to me. Wary as there was no one else around even though it was still daytime. He came up to me still talking and showing me his arm. On his wrist are three bracelets and he is explaining that his daughter had made them for him and that he wanted to giving me the one pictured above. He explained that he liked it because it said be different and that he was different and thought I might be also. He explained that his daughter had made the bracelets for him after he had a talk with her to tell her he was different. She had made them to let him know that it was okay that he was different as far as she was concerned. I think the other two said something like you're special and something from finding Nemo about keeping swimming.
What followed was about 20 minutes of us sharing bits of our stories with each other. I will not go into his as that is for him to tell if he wishes to and you folks know mine. I told him about this wonderful site and hope to see him here with us soon.
I had asked why he decided to chase me down and he said he saw me walking by and thought I might be like him and he felt the need to talk to me about it. Needless to say he made my day.
Hugs to this stranger that felt the need to share.
Laurie
I suspecf you made his too, Laurie. You're a conduit for hope and connection today. Good job, girl.
Wow Laurie, that is so cool!
Very cool story...its nice when we make an unexpected connection... ;)
What an awesome encounter Laurie :) I thought it was normally you that did the chasing down ;)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hi Folks,
Yes the encounter I described put me on a high of good feelings. It was so cool to have that happen. To have a stranger approach me with such a purpose. He only wanted to let me know he thought being different was good and needed to share that with me. Can I say it was awesome?
But then I woke up today and turned on the news and all those good feelings have fled in the light of Trump's attack on the transgender community. I am angry, mad as hell in fact. I have no good thoughts within me atm. To say more about how I am feeling towards this individual would not be good. My dark thoughts even gave me pause and a stray thought crossed my mind that perhaps I should discuss them with a professional. I am that angry.
I'm not in a good mood at the moment, not at all.
I'm sorry folks. This obviously is just a rant.
Laurie
Laurie,
Here's congratulations for a very significant event. One I know hasn't been perfectly easy at every moment. To get to where you are right now required a lot of little adjustments and big changes. Some pain and a lot of joy. Figuring out which things are just noise and discovering things that truly matter. For the long run you know the right answer for yourself, in your heart.
Laurie, you have been living full time as your true self for 30 days.
Kendra
I need to go for a drive. Just me and the road.
Be back later.
It is at least justifiable anger.
I've got a friend who has served for 14 years honorably who came out under Obama's new rules. He urged her to expose herself and now Trump has used that event ro steal her passion, her livelihood and her hope. It breaks my heart. It ruined my day before it even started
I wonder if that means I get my four years back? :laugh: >:-) ;D
There goes Devlyn again with her x-ray vision, always seeing what others don't at first.
If you do get your four years of service refunded, can I see a copy of the warranty?
Now how many presidents have been assonated? Not a good idea to drive when angry so hope you and your truck are fine, hugs from over the pondXXX.
Don't worry, I have seen what Laurie drives and it isn't a Lincoln.
It may not be a Lincoln Kendra but have you seen the size of the sub machine gun she has mounted on the back, think it was originally Kent for the moni quarry.
Call me little miss recluse as I don't have a TV but what has the idiot trump been up to this time!
I haven't had television in years. Go look at BBC.com :(
Or here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226408.html
I don't want to get too wrapped up in politics, but my view is to aim for the long run. And in the long run I am convinced the topic of who we are will improve dramatically, to the degree it will become almost a non-issue someday. That just takes some work and a lot of patience.
For goodness sake is this knob head for real!
I know we all hope Laurie is having a good and peaceful drive today and will return with her usual and awesome frame of mind. We all have different ways of coping with shocking news. I might have reacted differently to today's political news without my new found perspective assisted with estrogen... that's a topic in itself, I plan to write about it but I am currently in disbelief I can feel so different and it hasn't even been 48 hours after applying that patch. But I do.
Much more important than that, I hope Laurie is doing well.
:police:
I'm removing some posts.
No matter the provocation I do not want to see silly bashing and insulting posts.
We are better than that.
Phew! I thought Kendra was babbling to herself! :laugh:
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi Laurie, I had a similar experience the day before FFS when I was in Boston. I was at a skate park and a skater came up to and passed me saying an affirming comment. Which I forget exactly what he said. It felt good that someone took the time and effort to say something which seams small but has a huge impact, at least for me. I had doubts and fear about FFS, I was walking most of the day, and this young person connected with me and it made me feel so much better about what I was about to do.
Odd how some simple act of kindness can help someone.
On the other subject, he is the enemy. He is evil, disrespectful and embarrassing. He stands with exclusion, decisiveness and hate. We will prevail, we will have civil rights.
Okay folks,
I have returned after about 400 mile and some 12 hours later. I no longer feel like going hunting and that is all I am saying on that subject here. I've read the posts that are left and a Thank you to Cindy for cleaning the thread of the posts I may have been tempted to put up had I not gone for a drive to settle myself down.
Going for drives have long been a tool I've use to get over things that upset me. I actually expected this one to last over night and into tomorrow so I took my meds for today and tomorrow, a sleeping bag, pillow, and a blanket. I thought I would make it all the way into California before heading back but I only got about two thirds of the way there. I headed southwest for the coast with a short pause at a casino to donate a little bit to the native Americans, then headed south down the coast. the temperature was cooler than at home being generally in the 60s but I did hit a pot that was only 59. the weather ranged from sunny to misty with low clouds. The coast is always scenic an I stopped several times to get a few pictures.
By the time I hit 200 miles I was feeling much better and had been enjoying the drive for some time so I figured it was time to head back.
Except for my darkest times, me and the road have always gotten along. As the miles slip past so does my anger if that was the motivation. Other times it's just the joy that comes from passing the time and seeing the sights around me change. The steady thrum of the tires on the road soothes my soul.
Thank you all who expressed concern and those that felt indignation along with me.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on July 26, 2017, 07:39:53 PM
Odd how some simple act of kindness can help someone.
You are so right Rachel. It was so unexpected and awesome.
Hugs,
Laurie
Yay! Welcome back.
Quote from: Kendra on July 27, 2017, 02:16:38 AM
Yay! Welcome back.
Thank you Kendra,
Now you can go get some sleep.
Hugs,
Laurie
Some pictures from my coast drive yesterday. These help soothe the savage beast.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FtSjj24N.jpg&hash=c61a9d3c17620417eb576b672bc36f2b589fec18)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fh2RUfd7.jpg&hash=98f2e05caca5221270283727767a22cfbdafdcdb)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FNGSYMHu.jpg&hash=ec6b5239681c6f4d5128adcb7c2a6feb7101939f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F4zicuWy.jpg&hash=c0d1d8ac063cd3c04fbdafe5261b0badedf270b3)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FXSQhbYM.jpg&hash=129999987c21629c6b2e0011ac6e2ea80b1712a5)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FRU6Kmbb.jpg&hash=09b97061aef4dc3ea6ae3d6aa088588a20e31e17)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fiw6tVe6.jpg&hash=99f272d6f069d08bd1fbd2b746cbc5b410aca740)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FB3WCCxv.jpg&hash=6a95ad6739375e5523109fa458c02e97a21bf361)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F8E8eIyW.jpg&hash=f79efa57bb02a6fcecb7f8651a2ca37baa3d6d05)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F3dvRt04.jpg&hash=79c7e9634286247b51a65d0b84fa6dbc29aab7c0)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FcDyZDSa.jpg&hash=eb447261fa5c89aa2ce283c4496e60c487f827ca)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FnbCuWrA.jpg&hash=958bb824ad5cd671cd712d66ef3b7658af352bf1)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9NqFr7s.jpg&hash=9b30da1fb0083b2d550d70858a4d3ec84fca67df)
I hope you enjoyed them as much as I did.
Hugs,
Laurie
Don't agree with the DO NOT PASS sign, what a nice way to calm down , stunning scenery . Of for a shower back in a bit
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on July 26, 2017, 12:11:44 PM
I wonder if that means I get my four years back? :laugh: >:-) ;D
I gave my country 6 years. That's 6 years more than our president did.
Love the shirt Devyl lynn. I ordered me one from Amazon in baby blue because I could not find one in pink.
I got this from the Oregon VA rep at the Astoria Pride festivities.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FXWWiSX2.jpg&hash=ab209918aed364f4782754747d2cde2007231f94)
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: davina61 on July 27, 2017, 01:04:27 PM
Don't agree with the DO NOT PASS sign, what a nice way to calm down , stunning scenery . Of for a shower back in a bit
Thanks Davina, but I have to disagree the sign is correct. The sign was obviously vandalized to remove the "ES" from the top word. lol
Hugs,
Laurie
Negative. From now on I only want pictures from the passing zone. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Does that smell better, got rid of the burnt metal/grinder dust (working on my bus, day off). You pass better than I do girl, keep up the good work
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on July 27, 2017, 02:14:01 PM
Negative. From now on I only want pictures from the passing zone. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
You do know you just issued a challenge?
Laurie
Quote from: davina61 on July 27, 2017, 02:25:11 PM
Does that smell better, got rid of the burnt metal/grinder dust (working on my bus, day off). You pass better than I do girl, keep up the good work
Actually you look very good in your avatar picture Davina. Keep up that caliber and you should have no trouble.
(yes, the stench is dissipating)
Hugs,
Laurie
Wow, I finally got back home and found a little (no, a lot) of time to catch up on Laurie's travels.
Wow, what an accomplishment, woman! You are awesome! It was an honor to be a small part of your journey. And what a journey -- from fearing to go for a local walk en femme, to full-time!
Interestingly, I couldn't get on the site at all while in Indonesia. Don't know if it was my side, or if they are blocking it.
Anyway, well done.
Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Err me posts disappeared lol, have you calmed down yet Laurie, you haven't told the good people that you have knocked up a new batch of Cookie's.
Quote from: Laurie on July 27, 2017, 02:07:25 PM
> Thanks Davina, but I have to disagree the sign is correct. The sign was obviously vandalized to remove the "ES" from the top word. lol
Great photos Laurie.
The "DO NOT PASS" sign was altered, but that didn't involve removing an "ES". An "A" was turned into an "I". The sign was located next to a restroom. Which US state were you in?
Quote from: RandyL on July 27, 2017, 06:15:09 PM
Wow, I finally got back home and found a little (no, a lot) of time to catch up on Laurie's travels.
Wow, what an accomplishment, woman! You are awesome! It was an honor to be a small part of your journey. And what a journey -- from fearing to go for a local walk en femme, to full-time!
Interestingly, I couldn't get on the site at all while in Indonesia. Don't know if it was my side, or if they are blocking it.
Anyway, well done.
Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Hi Randy and welcome home to you and Jacqui.
I hope your visit with your son was an absolutely wonderful one. You and Jane were more than a small part in where I am now as it was visiting with you two that gave me the impetus for me to start my trip en femme. Had I not been coming to visit you two I likely would have been in male mode. But since I was to meet two ladies like me I chose to do it as I would find you two.... as another woman. It was fated from that point on that I would return home as a woman and remain so. As a result I have not worn male clothes for a full month. My next doctor appointments may present a case of nerves for me but I'm committed to being myself. Yes the trip was an awesome adventure at learning who I am with the help of everyone I met and all those I got support and encouragement from online.
And I completed my goal to set foot in Maine too.
Thank you,
Laurie
Quote from: coldHeart on July 27, 2017, 06:21:35 PM
Err me posts disappeared lol, have you calmed down yet Laurie, you haven't told the good people that you have knocked up a new batch of Cookie's.
Hi Sara,
Yes I calmed down. It took me a few miles (okay it was 200 miles) but yes it worked.
The cookies were baked for me by my sister and they are delicious.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FypGQ9so.jpg&hash=5c250f37f0f6a5066231fd06ef43feef6c83efa2)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FotxE0oB.jpg&hash=b589d9a666eb100cfb9d0c80487faf14d32f68c6)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9dxov27.jpg&hash=134ad463928a375eebc6675b78f848ff859651dc)
See?
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Kendra on July 27, 2017, 08:52:37 PM
Great photos Laurie.
The "DO NOT PASS" sign was altered, but that didn't involve removing an "ES". An "A" was turned into an "I". The sign was located next to a restroom. Which US state were you in?
LOL Kendra,
I didn't make it out of Oregon. I made it only 2/3 of the way to California. I was sure it would take that far so I brought my meds and a pillow & blanket.
Laurie
Laurie, the pictures were all beautiful especially the ones with you in them.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on July 27, 2017, 09:08:26 PM
Laurie, the pictures were all beautiful especially the ones with you in them.
Moni
Awwwww How sweet Mythi,
Thank you for the sweet words.
(Alright what do you want? What are you after?) lol
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Folks,
Just another thought lost in yesterday's politics....
I have managed a full month as myself. It's not been a monumental thing and little has really changed but it is still a milestone for me.
Laurie
Actually this is a really big thing. Congratulations!!
Quote from: Laurie on July 28, 2017, 12:25:32 AM
Hi Folks,
Just another thought lost in yesterday's politics....
I have managed a full month as myself. It's not been a monumental thing and little has really changed but it is still a milestone for me.
Laurie
I think the things that have changed arw things that don't show. Don't sell yourself short, Laurie. You've come a long way in a short time.🙂
Thank you Lisa
Fantastic! has it really been a month wow great effort
Quote from: ElizabethK on July 28, 2017, 01:35:04 AM
Fantastic! has it really been a month wow great effort
Since I last donned male clothing? Yes it has.
Thank you Liz
Congratulations on the first month of full-time! Who'd'a thunk it two months ago? You rock, girl!
Laurie, are those pictures from around New Port OR? They are beautiful! Love the sound of the ocean. Kinda blows me away how cold the ocean is but how warm the sound is around Seattle!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Laurie, if you ever make it down to the SF Bay Area, plan to stay for a few days and I'I'll give you the Grand Tour. We've got coastline... We've got dazzling urbanites... coffee...
In fact, we'll start at Wicked Grounds, and make sure you stick around for a little while...
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 28, 2017, 07:42:25 AM
Congratulations on the first month of full-time! Who'd'a thunk it two months ago? You rock, girl!
For sure I didn't Kathy. But things change, sometimes quicker than you can imagine!
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: gv2002 on July 28, 2017, 09:13:23 AM
Laurie, are those pictures from around New Port OR? They are beautiful! Love the sound of the ocean. Kinda blows me away how cold the ocean is but how warm the sound is around Seattle!
Hi GV,
Most of the pictures were from areas south of Newport, actually south of Yachats. (pronounced YAH-hahts) The Oregon coast is beautiful in it's ruggedness. In some places it is as if you can see the inexorable march of the mountains as they crumble into the sea. I've see thousands of miles of coastline and nowhere else is this as apparent as it is in Oregon. It is breathtaking in it's beauty.
How is it GV that you have managed to escape posting something about yourself in the introductions forum for so long? Yes, I went back and read all 22 of your posts to find out more about you because you were unfamiliar to me. In all those posts I found very little actual information that help me know you better. Not even a preferred name. I invite you to go there and tell us a bit more so that all of us can welcome you properly and get to know you a little bit better.
While I wait for this intro I want to say welcome to Susan's Place GV (hugs).
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Michelle_P on July 28, 2017, 09:33:51 AM
Laurie, if you ever make it down to the SF Bay Area, plan to stay for a few days and I'I'll give you the Grand Tour. We've got coastline... We've got dazzling urbanites... coffee...
In fact, we'll start at Wicked Grounds, and make sure you stick around for a little while...
Okay Michelle I will plan for a few day and let you play tour guide. I'm sure you know the area better than I do though I have lived in Vallejo and the barracks at Mare Island for over a year and a half. I have been to Ghiradelli Square, Lombard Street, rode the trolley and visited Fisherman's Wharf. Also you should know I have driven virtually all of the west coast from the Mexico border to the Canadian border including around the Puget Sound. I thought you knew I get around. LOL
But I would very much enjoy a few days visiting with you Michelle, very much. You are on my list of people I want to meet, and we will. Hopefully we can make it happen soon.
Hugs,
Laurie
Looks like I will have to bake another virtual cake to celebrate your month , thinking Victoria sponge with sour cherry jam and cream filling.
Quote from: davina61 on July 28, 2017, 04:17:20 PM
Looks like I will have to bake another virtual cake to celebrate your month , thinking Victoria sponge with sour cherry jam and cream filling.
Sounds good Davina. Do they ship well with customs and all?
Thank you.
Hugs,
Laurie
Ok Laurie, I have it. I have proof. I saw a commercial today for a security system that is named, "Moni" and it was pronounced exactly as I do. Mon nee! I know you will get it right for now on, for sure.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on July 28, 2017, 10:20:10 PM
Ok Laurie, I have it. I have proof. I saw a commercial today for a security system that is named, "Moni" and it was pronounced exactly as I do. Mon nee! I know you will get it right for now on, for sure.
Moni
What's that Muny, you're buying a new security system? You are wasting your monie on it. I will find a way to circumvent it's safe guards and get to you. I will have my day of reckoning! You cannot stop me.
Gentle hugs,
Laurie
If you've got the moni honey...
Quote from: HappyMoni on July 28, 2017, 10:20:10 PM
Ok Laurie, I have it. I have proof. I saw a commercial today for a security system that is named, "Moni" and it was pronounced exactly as I do. Mon nee! I know you will get it right for now on, for sure.
Moni
The problem might be more that you have a mon ee! security system what you really need is the lor ee! model (I hear they comes with their own truck) or maybe you just need a moat...see how nervous Laurie was on the waters with Kendra...
("Jaws" theme music plays quietly in the back ground)
Okay Laurie, (cue the sound of hands being thrown up in the air with big sigh.) I didn't want to do this but you leave me no choice. I believe your mind has been corrupted with alternative facts with regard to this matter. There, I said it. I think it is time for an intervention (cover the back door, Liz). A few weeks with a nomenclature therapist should do the trick. Honey, don't make us call the Moniker Police. Come along quietly, it won't hurt much.
Moni
Quote from: Michelle_P on July 28, 2017, 09:33:51 AM
Laurie, if you ever make it down to the SF Bay Area, plan to stay for a few days and I'I'll give you the Grand Tour. We've got coastline... We've got dazzling urbanites... coffee...
In fact, we'll start at Wicked Grounds, and make sure you stick around for a little while...
Oh my, Michelle I now understand what you meant by "make sure you stick around for a little while" I just looked up Wicked Grounds. The food sounds good ;) ;) ;D
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: HappyMoni on July 29, 2017, 08:50:19 AM
Okay Laurie, (cue the sound of hands being thrown up in the air with big sigh.) I didn't want to do this but you leave me no choice. I believe your mind has been corrupted with alternative facts with regard to this matter. There, I said it. I think it is time for an intervention (cover the back door, Liz). A few weeks with a nomenclature therapist should do the trick. Honey, don't make us call the Moniker Police. Come along quietly, it won't hurt much.
Moni
STUBBORN REFUSAL :P ::) :( :o
Hi folks,
:( :( *sigh* I'm beginning to settle in and things are pretty much back to normal here. I have my labs, ct scan, oncologist and PCP appointments coming up in a couple weeks and though I have a bit of anxiety about it, I will be going as myself to those VA appointments for the first time..
A more imminent appointment is coming this Wednesday, I've scheduled another 2 hour facial torture session (electrolysis) and that means today is my last day to shave until afterwards. I have become more aware of my beard growth since going full time and dislike it more also. It's almost as if putting on my wig each day increases my dislike of the little stubble I feel on my face though it is barely noticeable at all. I find myself wanting to pick up my razor and hit it again several times a day now. I do not like it being there.
When I visited Kendra, she stopped talking and suddenly asked if I had already done electrolysis. I had shaved that morning and a bit more on the way. This was in the afternoon and she was surprised when I told her no. That is how noticeable my beard is. But I know it's there. I can feel it. I don't want it. I didn't mind it all that much before, I did want to have it removed, but it was not this much of an issue as it is now.
Anyway, electrolysis id Wednesday with all that entails, growing out the whiskers a bit, applying the EMLA cream an hour before and covering it with plastic wrap, drowning myself with water at least from the day before. and bringing the cream with me this time so another area can be treated for the second hour. Ode to Joy plays in the background...
Yep, I'm home and longing for my next road trip.
Hugs,
Laurie
I hear you on wanting the beard gone. I was seeing a lot of old associates this weekend, most of them seeing me for the first time as Kathy. This morning was the first day of this week's three-day grow-out, so I was stubbly this morning as I said farewell to them. I'm told that no one notices unless they are looking for it, but it still bugs the hell out of me.
On the other hand, I make to pretense to be anything that I am not. I am a trans woman, and part of that is having to grow my beard out for electrolysis. If people don't like it, then too bad for them.
Hi Laurie,
How well does the EMLA cream work. I use super numb but I never used EMLA.
I had been thinking of going to Texas (Frontier Airlines is inexpensive) and they E3000 the whole face with numbing. I think I will be checking out their cost and do an cost benefit analysis.
Congrats on the 1 month down. It gets easier as time goes on.
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 30, 2017, 01:26:44 PM
I hear you on wanting the beard gone. I was seeing a lot of old associates this weekend, most of them seeing me for the first time as Kathy. This morning was the first day of this week's three-day grow-out, so I was stubbly this morning as I said farewell to them. I'm told that no one notices unless they are looking for it, but it still bugs the hell out of me.
On the other hand, I make to pretense to be anything that I am not. I am a trans woman, and part of that is having to grow my beard out for electrolysis. If people don't like it, then too bad for them.
Hi Kathy,
Other people do not bother me, well okay driving there with plastic on my face does make me a bit self conscious. I 3 days my whiskers will be noticeable but even that is not my concern. It is that now any beard stubble I feel annoys me and I cannot shave close enough that I cannot feel it. Now I may shave 2 and 3 times a day and I'm still not satisfied with the results. I was not like this before. I wouldn't even shave every day before, now what ever I do it isn't enough. And it isn't just my face. I never cared for body hair before truth before but now I really dislike it.
I'm beginning think of it as an acquired dysphoria if that is possible.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on July 30, 2017, 01:37:48 PM
Hi Laurie,
How well does the EMLA cream work. I use super numb but I never used EMLA.
I had been thinking of going to Texas (Frontier Airlines is inexpensive) and they E3000 the whole face with numbing. I think I will be checking out their cost and do an cost benefit analysis.
Congrats on the 1 month down. It gets easier as time goes on.
Hi Rachel,
Ask me again after this session. I have only had two sessions so far and the first I used Aspercreme with 4% lidocaine applied an hour before and was well hydrated. It did fairly well but did wear off before the session was over and I had her work on a untreated area too to see the difference. There was quite a difference with the treated being preferred as expected but I did find I tolerated the procedure rather well even in the untreated area.
The second treatment was a 2 hour session and I did not prepare well for it as I was not well hydrated having for to drink lots of water the day before (she called me on it right away after she started), I drank my coffee that morning, I applied the EMLA cream but only about 2o minutes prior and did not cover it so the numbing effect was less than optimal. So I had only myself to blame having not done the things I was instructed to do. I managed the whole 2 hours but it was mostly without benefit of numbing. It is a good thing I tolerated the pain well (and there was pain) as I repeated found myself clenching my teeth as she worked.
This 2 hour session will be better. I can still learn.
As for the E300, you may want to talk with JenTay or Anne. Jentay has had it done (Think it was E3000) and I know Anne was going to and may have done so by now.
Hugs,
Laurie
With you on the shaving, twice a day till my face is sore and cant stand Velcro arms. Cakes in the oven, you will have to take a byte .
Quote from: davina61 on July 30, 2017, 02:47:26 PM
With you on the shaving, twice a day till my face is sore and cant stand Velcro arms. Cakes in the oven, you will have to take a byte .
Bring it on.
Hugs to ya Davina,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on July 30, 2017, 01:48:51 PMIt is that now any beard stubble I feel annoys me and I cannot shave close enough that I cannot feel it.
...
I'm beginning think of it as an acquired dysphoria if that is possible.
Oh, yes, I totally get it! I can't stand anything other than smooth skin now. I hate the feeling of sandpaper. I have a few smoothish patches from recent sessions, but so far I am still getting regrowth in them after a few weeks.
I never did like the feeling of stubble. I just thought that that was the way it had to be. Now I know that it doesn't have to be that way, and I want it gone yesterday.
I don't think it is 'acquired' dysphoria. I think we have had so much dysphoria to deal with that we have only allowed ourselves to be aware of the worst ones. As we gradually knock those out or at least reduce them, we start to become aware of less severe dysphorias that have lurked hidden in the background.
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on July 30, 2017, 01:37:48 PM
How well does the EMLA cream work. I use super numb but I never used EMLA.
I always use Emla. It definitely takes the edge off the pain. On areas with low sensitivity, where I have laid it on thick, I feel no pain at all. I have enough feeling that I can tell where she is working, but I won't feel the shock or the pluck. On other, more sensitive areas, with the same amount of cream, It will feel quite ouchy. If I have spread the cream on less thickly in places, it will be painful there. But I really, really notice if she zaps a hair that is outside of the numbed area. I darned near levitated off the table last week when she did that! So it is clear that it does make a significant difference.
The more sensitive areas lose their numbness very quickly. On less sensitive areas, she can work for an hour after she wipes the Emla off, but on more sensitive areas, she only has minutes to work.
Quote from: KathyLauren on July 30, 2017, 03:16:16 PM
I darned near levitated off the table last week
hmmm Astronomy lectures and levitation? One begins to wonder if this woman is really human...
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi folks,
Since getting home and having time to let things settle, I been getting restless and feeling a bit stagnant already.I've got my electrolysis on Wednesday and my previous post mentioned and week after next, I am going to have a busy day on Monday the 14th with labs, ct scan, oncology doctor, and today I just added a visit with my gender therapist. Tuesday is my PCP and Wednesday is another electrolysis appointment. Then on the 24th my sister has her biopsy and freeze procedure in an attempt to kill whatever it is that is growing on her kidney. She also needs to get some labs done before then. So as you can see things are getting back to normal.
I called my GT this morning to make an appointment just to run a few things by him to see what he thinks. Little things. Like how my road trip went (he knew I was going to Maine but nothing more really), How I did the trip as Laurie and my deciding to try full time upon my return. And I think I will talk to him how I feel like I'm not doing anything to progress right now. I feel like I need to be actively doing something and I'm not. I just taking my pills and running around in my preferred clothes with a wig on my head. And yet everything I think of doing would probably be premature given the short time I have been at this. 8 months on hrt isn't that long unless you are just beginning it. A month of full time is really short. I'm sure I'm not ready to think about surgeries and the same with making a name change. So what do I do? Why am I even feeling like I should be doing something more? Am I being impatient and if so impatient for what? I am not even sure what I want to do or in which direction I want to go. *sigh* I'll figure something out.
Hugs,
Laurie
GCS is a year wait. Surgery for ffs can be a 6 month wait. Name change was 3 or 4 months. At some point my dysphoria ramped up. I think it was when I went full time and wanted to present well.
I had GCS but the BA was postponed 7 months. It was a long 6 months.
With anything transition related time is forever and the need is immediate. Doing something positive and having a time line is very important. I presented my boss and hr a Gantt chart of my transition and a spreadsheet of costs for procedures with three doctor options.
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Laurie,
I believe that what you are trying to get to is living your life as yourself. Listen to what you are filling your life with; doctor stuff, family stuff, being you stuff, this is living your life. At some point you may choose to get surgery and after that you will get back to living your life except your panties will fit a bit differently. You are doing what you want, now it is time to decide what you want to do when you grow (and it has to include more than hunting Moni!).
Anne
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on July 31, 2017, 05:04:10 PM
GCS is a year wait. Surgery for ffs can be a 6 month wait. Name change was 3 or 4 months. At some point my dysphoria ramped up. I think it was when I went full time and wanted to present well.
I had GCS but the BA was postponed 7 months. It was a long 6 months.
With anything transition related time is forever and the need is immediate. Doing something positive and having a time line is very important. I presented my boss and hr a Gantt chart of my transition and a spreadsheet of costs for procedures with three doctor options.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Thank you Rachel for the info. I could never be that organized. It isn't me at all. My problem is I feel I should be doing something to move ahead but haven't a clue what that should be.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Anne Blake on July 31, 2017, 05:48:28 PM
Laurie,
I believe that what you are trying to get to is living your life as yourself. Listen to what you are filling your life with; doctor stuff, family stuff, being you stuff, this is living your life. At some point you may choose to get surgery and after that you will get back to living your life except your panties will fit a bit differently. You are doing what you want, now it is time to decide what you want to do when you grow (and it has to include more than hunting Moni!).
Anne
Hi Anne
You are probably closer to what I need to focus on and that unfortunately feels like I'm doing nothing. I suppose I am actually doing things i need to be doing for now. But it does leave me feeling like I should be doing something more. Perhaps it's just the slowing down from the excitement and activity of my road trip that is making me feel stagnant now as Liz was suggestion to me offline or I may need a new challenge to work on. (another Liz suggestion)
As for Mina or minny, She isn't getting off the trophy list so easy. There will be a rematch.
Thanks for your views on it, Anne. Please tell Debi I said hello.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie and all,
Have been reading your posts, but have been busy so have not said much.
Had a two long days this weekend. Started FRI night at 630 pm, didn't get home till 1100 am next day SAT, but did get a 3 hour nap in there. Than back out again at 630 pm SAT, hosted some local TS and CD gals for a Drag show, but got back early at 430am SUN. I was beat SUN, guess at my age I need to rest a little.
Today was work in yard and house. Darn grass keeps growing and trimmed low branches on the 4 huge maple trees in yard, and half dozen smaller trees by back fence.
Reading all of your adventures with Electrolysis, takes me back many years. We didn't have all that fancy painkiller stuff. Just had too tough it out.
Over the years I have had some regrowth, maybe 20-30 hairs. I was plucking but than just shaved them every few weeks. Finally decided to get electrolysis again. 1/2 hour every 2-3 months. Not uncommon for older women to get chin hair as they age. Darn even found some on my ears, I must be getting old.
I think you are doing just what you need to do. Learning to just live your life. Not all the TS I know go past social Transition and do the variety of surgeries. But this does seem like many are getting FFS BA and SRS/GRS/GCS lately.
Quote from: Georgette on August 01, 2017, 12:19:09 AM
Laurie and all,
Have been reading your posts, but have been busy so have not said much.
Had a two long days this weekend. Started FRI night at 630 pm, didn't get home till 1100 am next day SAT, but did get a 3 hour nap in there. Than back out again at 630 pm SAT, hosted some local TS and CD gals for a Drag show, but got back early at 430am SUN. I was beat SUN, guess at my age I need to rest a little.
Today was work in yard and house. Darn grass keeps growing and trimmed low branches on the 4 huge maple trees in yard, and half dozen smaller trees by back fence.
Reading all of your adventures with Electrolysis, takes me back many years. We didn't have all that fancy painkiller stuff. Just had too tough it out.
Over the years I have had some regrowth, maybe 20-30 hairs. I was plucking but than just shaved them every few weeks. Finally decided to get electrolysis again. 1/2 hour every 2-3 months. Not uncommon for older women to get chin hair as they age. Darn even found some on my ears, I must be getting old.
I think you are doing just what you need to do. Learning to just live your life. Not all the TS I know go past social Transition and do the variety of surgeries. But this does seem like many are getting FFS BA and SRS/GRS/GCS lately.
Hi Georgette!,
It's good to hear from you again, it has been a while, If I didn't know better I'd think you were mad a t me for not sticking around for that visit. But I know that is wrong. I just couldn't, I was on overload already with the DC area and everything that implies. I will never understand how people can live in such high density areas. I lasted 2 days and that was too much for me. I had to escape. Sorry.
You still amaze me with your carousing lifestyle and more power to you for it lady.
Gee thanks :( I never equated my ear hair with old age but now I will *sigh* I knew excess eyebrows growth is and I cut mine back periodically. I wish my eye lashes had that problem. As for the electrolysis I go for my 3rd session tomorrow so I have a fuzzy face, am getting water logged, and feel reluctant to go outside today. I am beginning to understand and feel bad? strange? could i be becoming dysphoric about it my facial hair? All I know is I seem to not want it more than before. It's a two hour session so it should be loads of fun. :( I am glad that for me it is not that painful just a bit of clinching my teeth at times.
Hope to hear more from you Georgette. Don't be a stranger. And we may meet yet.
Hugs,
Laurie
Greetings from the Garden State, Laurie! Sorry that I have missed out on several weeks of posts. I was visiting my family for the first time since transitioning--it went well--and then I went to the beach for a little bit.
I am sorry to hear that things with your daughter are rocky right now. But on the flip side, I am in awe of you for taking the huge steps of going full-time and coming out on Facebook! Wow!!
I am avoiding coming out on Facebook because I always feel that I should tell this-or-that person on the phone first, and then I never even make the phone calls... A friend's wedding is coming up in a few weeks, though, so I need to get my butt in gear and make some calls.
And you know, I hate to bring up the dreaded M-word (no, not Moni), but I've heard a >:-) MAKEOVER >:-) is just the thing for ladies feeling a little "stuck" in their transition ;) :-*
Thanks so much again for visiting me during your trip. It sounds like the trip was a really wonderful experience. I really enjoyed reading all of your posts (and the limerick competition that followed).
Love, your #1 fan,
Patti
Just because I can't resist, here's a limerick (true to form, it's just a wee bit obscene):
There once was a lady named Laurie
Who set out for new territory
As she drove in her truck,
she stopped giving a f---,
And in her true self she did glory
Quote from: p on August 02, 2017, 11:37:12 AM
Greetings from the Garden State, Laurie! Sorry that I have missed out on several weeks of posts. I was visiting my family for the first time since transitioning--it went well--and then I went to the beach for a little bit.
I am sorry to hear that things with your daughter are rocky right now. But on the flip side, I am in awe of you for taking the huge steps of going full-time and coming out on Facebook! Wow!!
I am avoiding coming out on Facebook because I always feel that I should tell this-or-that person on the phone first, and then I never even make the phone calls... A friend's wedding is coming up in a few weeks, though, so I need to get my butt in gear and make some calls.
And you know, I hate to bring up the dreaded M-word (no, not Moni), but I've heard a >:-) MAKEOVER >:-) is just the thing for ladies feeling a little "stuck" in their transition ;) :-*
Thanks so much again for visiting me during your trip. It sounds like the trip was a really wonderful experience. I really enjoyed reading all of your posts (and the limerick competition that followed).
Love, your #1 fan,
Patti
Well hello stranger, ((HUG))
I am glad to hear from you Patti and very glad to hear your trip home went well. I so wished we had more time to visit but i am thankful for the time we had. You young lady are a joy to visit.
True to your title, of #1 fan I see you have taken the time to catch up on what I've done in the weeks you have been gone and know all there is to know about me. (shaking my head in wonder) You flatter me girl. Thank you.
My situation with my daughter is what it is. She would probably say my actions over this last bit of nonsense was an overreaction and needless escalation over a minor issue. And heck she could be right, but it is just another thing to blame me for and I am done with it. It doesn't even have anything to do with my being trans, not really it goes back further than that. Since she is as stubborn as I am, this rift is not likely to be resolved. As a little girl she used to bring this to me fix instead of her mother saying "Daddy fix it". Well, Daddy has tried too long and too hard to fix this blame she harbors toward me and has given up. Daddy can't fix it. I've chosen to remove them from my friends list for a couple reason. One is that I hope to lessen the hurt and temptation to comment (possibly in hurt or bitterness) that following them will bring. and second To minimize the impact of me and my new life may have upon them. To me it is obvious the want no part of it and thereby me.
Coming out on FB was just another step in my coming out and living my life openly. I'm not hiding any longer. I did wait until I had made my phone calls or face to face confessions to those I felt I must. Which is just what you are wanting to do. But you my girl, needs must stop procrastinating. Just get off that cute butt and pick up the phone and call them. The sooner you do it , the sooner you are done and then you can feel the freedom of living without the burden of those secrets. They are a burden on your soul and it feels so good when you let them go.
Going full time was just a natural extension that grew out of that wonderful road trip of discovery for myself. How could I not do it? Everyone of you who took that trip with me in your hearts are responsible for where I am now in my journey. Yes, I feel a little stuck, but as I've been shown, I am not really, the pace of what I'm doing has just slowed back to a normal one. I am still moving, but the excitement of the road trip has diminished, if not gone altogether. Sad isn't it? It was so much fun.
LOL Yes, the makeover, sigh, The makeover challenge was but a tool to help me move along in my journey and help me become more comfortable with it. Do you not think my road trip has done that, and done it in spades? I do. The makeover my dear friend is going to happen. I have not forgotten about it, nor am I fighting it any longer. When I do go have it done it will be to enjoy the experience and to learn a little bit of technique. When it will happen I do not know, I know only that it will. I have promised myself this and now all of you.
So you went to the beach? I'm guessing it was not just a day trip. I hope it was a quite beach and the time was spent with your husband. A romantic getaway so to speak. I can picture you in a bikini lying on the beach working on your tan while the waves lick at the sandy shore. It's a pretty picture in my mind.
And thank you for the silly limerick. Yes, it made me laugh fondly at it. Thank you for the smile.
Glad you are home safe and that your homecoming went well for you.
Hugs for you, Patti
Laurie
Quote from: p on August 02, 2017, 11:42:05 AM
Just because I can't resist, here's a limerick (true to form, it's just a wee bit obscene):
There once was a lady named Laurie
Who set out for new territory
As she drove in her truck,
she stopped giving a f---,
And in her true self she did glory
Patti, a dirty limerick? I love it. I am now an official fan of yours. Oh, this is Moni, you know the other 'm' beside makeover. I would add something about making those calls. If you make them now, you only have to deal with the fear/nervousness in making them. If you put it off you will not only face that same fear/nervousness, but you will deal with the anxiety of "why didn't I make those calls, I should have, etc." Just do it, Girl.
I used to have training in southern NJ in a twp called Swedesboro near 295. Ring any bells?
Laurie--it was actually a family trip with my husband's family, but we did find a lot of nice moments to relax just the two of us. As for the bikini--that's a lovely image, but I wasn't so brave! But I did get a lot of mileage out of my short shorts.
You and Moni have convinced me that I MUST start my calls soon--it's my anniversary today, so tomorrow is the day that I start picking up the phone!
Moni--it's funny that you seem surprised that I would write a dirty limerick! It helps me realize that my Susan's Place persona is somewhat different from my real-life personality. I am the first person many of my friends and family would expect to compose a dirty limerick! As for Swedesboro, I haven't heard of it. I don't really get down to South Jersey much.
Thanks so much, Moni & Laurie for giving me a push to make my calls!! :-*
I would suggest you don't start your calls with the dirty limerick, but then again, maybe that is a sign to them that you are still the same you. Okay, I will adjust my image of you, remove that halo and install devil horns. Check!
Moni
Happy Anniversary
Hi Folks,
Hopefully a short update here. I had my latest two hour (3rd) session with my electrologist yesterday. because I requested to be called laurie when I made the appointment, that is how she addressed me during the entire session. I must say it was nice being called Laurie and treated like any of her other female clients. ;D
But on to the electrolysis work itself. I prepared as has been suggested. I made a conscious effort to drink more water to be hydrated in the days before the session. I did not drink any coffee or have any other caffeine. I took two ibuprofen about 30 minutes before, and slathered an area of my face with EMLA cream one hour in advance of the appointment and another area after I arrived covering both with plastic wrap. In other words I prepared as I should.
This session however proved to be more painful from the start. The EMLA cream in my opinion was less effective than the Aspercream I used for my first session. I felt her working more right from the start and after 30 minute was once again clenching and gritting my teeth. Before she was done with the first hour I wanted to inquire how much longer I had to go in the first area before she was done. The hour was finally over and she moved over to the newly prepped area on the other side of my face. It was more of the same if not even a bit more painful. She started to hi an area on my cheek that I did not treat and in short order I had to request she move back to the treated area. It HURT! Almost the same sensation on both side this time and like I said it definitely hurt more.
It could be the areas she chose to work on I guess. She worked on the areas below the corners of the lip in about a 2 inch section. These areas are two of the spots that I never seem to be able to shave close enough as I always feel the stubble no matter how many times I go over them. There were several hairs she have to zap more than once before they would come out..
On FB I described electrolysis to a friend as having repeated bee stings over a period of time and each a bit more intense. That turned out to be a very accurate description for this session. I also left the session with my electrologist expressing concern as my face had developed red blotches all around my mouth even in areas she didn't touch. After returning home the redness did subside fairly fast. It may have been caused by the EMLA cream and I will test another area today to see if it happens again.
OUCH!
Hugs,
Laurie
The area around the lip is extremely sensitive. No matter what you do, it's going to hurt. And, when the electrologist wipes the Emla cream off to work, that area loses the numbing in about two minutes.
When my electrocutioner wants to work there, she tells me to include the small area around the lip where she wants to work, and then a larger area nearby. The idea is to include a small sensitive area and a larger less sensitive area. At the beginning of the session, she wipes off the sensitive area and then works quickly on it. After a couple of minutes, or when I start to wince too much, she then moves on to less sensitive areas for the rest of the hour.
I can't imagine doing a two-hour session. And, when she gets to my upper lip, I'm doing to need dental shots to get it seriously numb.
I find that listening to music in headphones helps me a lot. I can zone out a bit and not pay too much attention to the stings. I still feel them, but I am not paying attention to them.
Feel for you , that's the thing I am not looking forward to as have 0 pain threshold. Thing the NHS offer laser so don't know if that's less painful? All that pain but look at the gain, got to be worth it. XXX D
I will keep that in mind Kathy, thank you. This time she was not working at the lip line but the area directly below the corners. except for the one time she moved up onto the cheek into area are that wasn't treated and I had to call a stop to it there. Two hours is a long time yes. Last time she worked on the area a bit above my right lip corner and over towards my nose after the numbing had worn off and it wasn't too bad.
This time was a bit more uncomfortable, enough that once we were done she said she through she heard me gritting my teeth a few times. I didn't think I was doing it that hard.
Hugs Kathy and better sessions in the future. I feel your pain... LOL
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: davina61 on August 03, 2017, 02:14:35 PM
Feel for you , that's the thing I am not looking forward to as have 0 pain threshold. Thing the NHS offer laser so don't know if that's less painful? All that pain but look at the gain, got to be worth it. XXX D
It better be worth it! And I'm not just talking about the monetary cost.
Hope your is less painful than you anticipate Davina.
Hugs,
Laurie
I have done many hours of both and can say laser is definitely less painful than electrolysis. I did quite a bit of electrolysis because the results are what I want for my particular hair type.
The pain levels from both methods depend on body area - some areas are not bad at all for either one. Some areas can be yeeeeouch but it does go fast.
The entire time you are there, think about how great the results will be. Take the hours involved, divide that into the years you will enjoy the results, it's a tiny fraction and more than worth it. Be smooth.
I wonder how it compares to having tattoos done. I've spent 3 hours under the needle twice and that was all I could stand. I had a laser removal once that lasted 15 minutes and it was on par with 3 hours under the tattoo needle.
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Quote from: Gertrude on August 03, 2017, 06:41:59 PM
I wonder how it compares to having tattoos done. I've spent 3 hours under the needle twice and that was all I could stand. I had a laser removal once that lasted 15 minutes and it was on par with 3 hours under the tattoo needle.
Sorry Trudy, I cannot give you an answer to that question as I have never had a tattoo and do not believe I ever will. Not because I think there is anything wrong with it. It is just a personal preference of not wanting to do something so permanent to my body. LOL that sounds funny to me as I look down at two growing mounds on my chest.
I think I can now give yoiu an answer about the effectiveness of EMLA cream wth 2.5% lidocaine and 2.5% prilocaine and Aspercreme with 4% Lidocaine. My preference I think would be the Aspercreme as I think it numbed me a bit better and lasted a little longer. I have only properly used each once and this is my personal opinion and subject to change as I have more sessions. Both wear off before the hour is up and doing electrolysis without numbing does hurt more. I may experiment with prepping and covering multiple areas so each can be worked on before the numbing wears off completely. I am also going to go with 3 1-hour sessions over a 3 weeks period each month.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on August 03, 2017, 07:56:42 PM
Sorry Trudy, I cannot give you an answer to that question as I have never had a tattoo and do not believe I ever will. Not because I think there is anything wrong with it. It is just a personal preference of not wanting to do something so permanent to my body. LOL that sounds funny to me as I look down at two growing mounds on my chest.
I think I can now give yoiu an answer about the effectiveness of EMLA cream wth 2.5% lidocaine and 2.5% prilocaine and Aspercreme with 4% Lidocaine. My preference I think would be the Aspercreme as I think it numbed me a bit better and lasted a little longer. I have only properly used each once and this is my personal opinion and subject to change as I have more sessions. Both wear off before the hour is up and doing electrolysis without numbing does hurt more. I may experiment with prepping and covering multiple areas so each can be worked on before the numbing wears off completely. I am also going to go with 3 1-hour sessions over a 3 weeks period each month.
Hugs,
Laurie
If I had the money I'd get all of them removed. They are the result of he, not she.
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Over 200 hours of electroloshock here, baby! Fifty more and I'll glow in the dark.
I'm looking forward to that! :-( lol
I'm hoping that has gotten you close to done? You can tell me? Did you do any of it your self? I was thinking about buying a mid level machine and do as much as I could! Buy some (bucket) numbing cream! Maybe hooking up with another transitioner to do more difficult parts till I need a pro to do the intimate parts! Have any suggestions? (Shelley)
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Quote from: gv2002 on August 03, 2017, 10:43:21 PM
I'm looking forward to that! :-( lol
I'm hoping that has gotten you close to done? You can tell me? Did you do any of it your self? I was thinking about buying a mid level machine and do as much as I could! Buy some (bucket) numbing cream! Maybe hooking up with another transitioner to do more difficult parts till I need a pro to do the intimate parts! Have any suggestions? (Shelley)
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She has to be asking you Kendra. I have only 5 hours so far so it cannot be me. Go for it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Gertrude on August 03, 2017, 06:41:59 PM
I wonder how it compares to having tattoos done. I've spent 3 hours under the needle twice and that was all I could stand. I had a laser removal once that lasted 15 minutes and it was on par with 3 hours under the tattoo needle.
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Unfortunately, tattoos are a walk in the park in regards to pain relative to electrolysis. Maybe everyone's different though. That's how I felt about it. Kendra is right ....totally worth it...in spite of all the ouching.
Hi Lisa,
I LIKE your new avatar picture. You look very nice in it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Thanks Laurie. That's very sweet of you to say.
Quote from: jentay1367 on August 04, 2017, 12:24:36 AM
Thanks Laurie. That's very sweet of you to say.
Who is being sweet It is the best avatar picture I have seen for you.
You look good lady.
Laurie
Quote from: Gertrude on August 03, 2017, 09:34:12 PM
If I had the money I'd get all of them removed. They are the result of he, not she.
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I've had all of mine removed. The pain isn't bad with the way they do it now with the cold air. When I first could afford it, I needed injections for pain.
Quote from: Laurie on August 04, 2017, 12:16:36 AM
> Hi Lisa,
> I LIKE your new avatar picture. You look very nice in it.
I hate to admit when Laurie is right - and she is right!
All my electrolysis was done by the same professional, Shelley Barouh in Seattle. Currently board of directors for the American Electrology Association and was their president for many years. She has trained quite a few other electrologists. Every part of the process went exactly the way she predicted - she knows hair. If there weren't enough reasons to root for her she has many transgender clients, MTF and FTM. (Some FTM procedures involve a skin graft which needs to be permanently clear of hair.)
Quote from: Kendra on August 04, 2017, 01:21:23 AM
I hate to admit when Laurie is right - and she is right!
All my electrolysis was done by the same professional, Shelley Barouh in Seattle. Currently board of directors for the American Electrology Association and was their president for many years. She has trained quite a few other electrologists. Every part of the process went exactly the way she predicted - she knows hair. If there weren't enough reasons to root for her she has many transgender clients, MTF and FTM. (Some FTM procedures involve a skin graft which needs to be permanently clear of hair.)
Hi Kendra,
Of course I'm right. That's just a given (for this statement)
But what of gv2002's question several posts above?
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Kendra on August 04, 2017, 01:21:23 AM
I hate to admit when Laurie is right - and she is right!
All my electrolysis was done by the same professional, Shelley Barouh in Seattle. Currently board of directors for the American Electrology Association and was their president for many years. She has trained quite a few other electrologists. Every part of the process went exactly the way she predicted - she knows hair. If there weren't enough reasons to root for her she has many transgender clients, MTF and FTM. (Some FTM procedures involve a skin graft which needs to be permanently clear of hair.)
Kendra it sounds like she knows her stuff. Technique makes such a huge difference to the results. Poor technique can add many more hours to the time getting zapped. I have pretty much just very light hairs both in colour and texture. She is thinking another 5-6 hours, 2 x dental block sessions and we should be ready to hit maintenance mode.
I have had many hours with facial injections, and 10 dental blocks and they are by far the best of anything near or around the lips...along the edge of the nose was the worst for me.
I was asking Kendra, thank Laurie! I'm not a fan of man hair on myself! I'm luck that mine is small diameter and not pencil lead like some. I'm thinking Homer Simpson! I was 40 before I started shaving more than once a week!
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After a couple hundred hours of electrolysis how close am I to done? Currently (if I may use that word) at a two week interval, hair removal on the main area of my face is under two minutes. When I go in I see maybe three hairs starting to form under chin, one or two dots above lip but she finds a couple dozen roots with her magnifier. If that's all I was doing I'd have a 15 minute appointment every couple months for the next year and then stop.
The reason I'm still there two hours every two weeks is - touching up sideburn area, an occasional stray near eyebrow line, a few in the ears (the joys of passing half century mark). Electrolysis in the ear sounds and feels like a tiny paintball gun. Last few visits, everything above the shoulders was 15 minutes on a two week interval. And then 60-90 minutes working on genital area... seven times now, finally getting quite clear. Any remainder of the 120 minutes is used for rest of body, almost nothing left.
None of this involved injections and I have never used the correct EMLA method - no saran wrap or whatever to keep the EMLA from evaporating. Two ibuprofen 30 minutes before and a dab of EMLA around mouth, jaw line and neck (I don't bother with that any more). In 200 hours I used up 3 tubes of EMLA. I bought two in Australia (over the counter there) and one in Canada. For genital area my electrologist sprays on some numbing stuff.
Going this far with electrolysis isn't necessary for areas other than face or non-GRS genital area. Laser removed the majority of my body hair but didn't get all of it. We know HRT thins out body hair but I had reasons to do this backwards. I hate to use the term perfectionist (don't be shocked) but after getting this far on electrolysis I might as well complete it. Starting out with a full thick beard (the typical 40,000 roots), 2/3 of this zapping was necessary and 1/3 was just being picky.
Well it took you long enough to answer her Kendra. I was about to pull out the cattle prod to get you moving but then realized you would enjoy it too much and that kind of movement I rather not be part of.
Now can I have my thread back? You are getting as bad as That Woman, what's her name again? Mini? Marlo?
LOL I am just kidding folks.
Hugs to ya all,
Laurie
Quote from: amandam on August 04, 2017, 12:31:37 AM
I've had all of mine removed. The pain isn't bad with the way they do it now with the cold air. When I first could afford it, I needed injections for pain.
I had the laser treatment in 1993. I was intense.
Quote from: Gertrude on August 04, 2017, 10:40:24 AM
I had the laser treatment in 1993. I was intense.
It is so much better now, I highly recommend it.
Quote from: Laurie on August 04, 2017, 10:11:15 AM
Now can I have my thread back? You are getting as bad as That Woman, what's her name again? Mini? Marlo?
LOL I am just kidding folks.
Tart!
Quote from: amandam on August 04, 2017, 10:56:48 AM
Tart!
Okay, which of us three does this refer to and just which definition are you trying to convey.
I am taking it as being in jest and hope Kendra and Moni do too.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Kendra on August 03, 2017, 09:38:50 PM
Over 200 hours of electroloshock here, baby!
Okay Kendra, it is starting to make sense why you and Laurie get along so well.
On another note, I was in Dr. McGinn's office a while back and on the back of the door was an article warning about dangers about the over use of the pain cremes. I didn't get a chance to read it since I was thinking someone would open the door and have splattered Moni all over the joint. Just sayin! I used it pretty extensively in the nether regions without any problems.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on August 04, 2017, 02:14:06 PM
Okay Kendra, it is starting to make sense why you and Laurie get along so well.
On another note, I was in Dr. McGinn's office a while back and on the back of the door was an article warning about dangers about the over use of the pain cremes. I didn't get a chance to read it since I was thinking someone would open the door and have splattered Moni all over the joint. Just sayin! I used it pretty extensively in the nether regions without any problems.
Moni
Hi mundo,
There was some discussion of the hazards of using too much of the cream at one application in another thread. I cannot remember which (sometimers dontcha know). But yes there are definitely hazard of over application. I do not think it has an accumulative effect over time though. If it did though... that might explain a few things about you. hmmmm maybe...
Sorry mmmmhmmoni, I couldn't resist.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on August 04, 2017, 02:27:05 PM
Hi mundo,
There was some discussion of the hazards of using too much of the cream at one application in another thread. I cannot remember which (sometimers dontcha know). But yes there are definitely hazard of over application. I do not think it has an accumulative effect over time though. If it did though... that might explain a few things about you. hmmmm maybe...
Sorry mmmmhmmoni, I couldn't resist.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hey Laurie, l think I chimed in at one point that I had ened up with an issue where my heart started beating wildly, I couldn't catch my breath and was forced to sit on the floor right in the middle of Costco. I'd just left her office after having had slathered the stuff on like shaving cream during the whole session (I was a more is better person) and left to go shopping. Didn't feel right the whole drive there and then it just hit me right in the middle of shopping. I thought I was having a heart attack. It was more than a little bit scary. So do be careful with that stuff. I certainly was after that. Rather be talking with you than about you. ;)
See Laurie she is a real smooth customer, bet she has silk bed sheets
Beyond any shadow of doubt - no more roughing it. ;)
Quote from: jentay1367 on August 04, 2017, 02:36:57 PM
Hey Laurie, l think I chimed in at one point that I had ened up with an issue where my heart started beating wildly, I couldn't catch my breath and was forced to sit on the floor right in the middle of Costco. I'd just left her office after having had slathered the stuff on like shaving cream during the whole session (I was a more is better person) and left to go shopping. Didn't feel right the whole drive there and then it just hit me right in the middle of shopping. I thought I was having a heart attack. It was more than a little bit scary. So do be careful with that stuff. I certainly was after that. Rather be talking with you than about you. ;)
Yep, Lisa. That was the post I was referring to. I can imagine the panic your incidence caused you. I put it on thick but not too large of an area. Just enough for Christina do work on. The second area was applied in her office and doing it's thing while Christina was doing hers on the first area.
Thank you for relating the story again.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: davina61 on August 04, 2017, 03:07:29 PM
See Laurie she is a real smooth customer, bet she has silk bed sheets
Hi Davina,
I believe you are referring to Kendra. Yes, I can see her longing seductively on scarlet satin sheets enticing the unsuspecting passer by into her lair. yup, yup I can. She's such a vamp.
Hows those nails coming along? Any new curry recipes?
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on August 04, 2017, 03:52:23 PM
Hi Davina,
I believe you are referring to Mundane or whatever she is going by now, (I can never keep up with her name changes. I swear she is using a different one every time she posts something) Yes, I can see her longing seductively on scarlet satin sheets enticing the unsuspecting passer by into her lair. yup, yup I can. She's such a vamp.
Hows those nails coming along? Any new curry recipes?
Hugs,
Laurie
Yeah...it freaked me out and others in the Costco as well. Old people on the floor flopping around always get others attention. The things we girls will do to get attention. LOL!
Quote from: Kendra on August 04, 2017, 03:27:06 PM
Beyond any shadow of doubt - no more roughing it. ;)
Beyond a shadow of beard too! No more stubbling over it.
Quote from: jentay1367 on August 04, 2017, 03:57:12 PM
Yeah...it freaked me out and others in the Costco as well. Old people on the floor flopping around always get others attention. The things we girls will do to get attention. LOL!
Is that what I'm doing wrong, Lisa? I'm still trying not to attract attention. This may need some pondering.
When I had my 6 genital clearings at Papillion each time I have injectable lidocaine. They tell you your heart will race, you will get hot and sweaty and have a dry mouth. It only lasts a minute or two. I was so happy the needle manipulation in my groin was over I just laid there in an endorphin rush.
I never had an issue with topical lidocaine.
Quote from: Laurie on August 04, 2017, 11:54:07 AM
Okay, which of us three does this refer to and just which definition are you trying to convey.
I am taking it as being in jest and hope Kendra and Moni do too.
Hugs,
Laurie
Ya, just kiddin'!
Quote from: Laurie on August 04, 2017, 11:54:07 AM
Okay, which of us three does this refer to and just which definition are you trying to convey.
I am taking it as being in jest and hope Kendra and Moni do too.
Hugs,
Laurie
I am, surprised you had to ask Laurie...you of course
Quote from: amandam on August 04, 2017, 05:15:15 PM
Ya, just kiddin'!
Well yes I figured that but still have the question of who and which definition. There was no harm intended by you I knew that. Just being curious is all.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: ElizabethK on August 04, 2017, 05:42:18 PM
I am, surprised you had to ask Laurie...you of course
Well, she said That Woman and Marlo in the same post, so naturally I thought That Girl. Maybe I'm too sensitive, that would be like a girl, oh wait. :D
Quote from: ElizabethK on August 04, 2017, 05:42:18 PM
I am, surprised you had to ask Laurie...you of course
:o :o Well it could have been That Woman. I just threw Kendra in because she was nearby.
Hugs,
Laurie
Have a Large stock pile of morphine if you need any ladies ( only joking its all mine )
Sara, I might need some, I think I've been called a tart. :( That really makes me pop.
That Woman
Quote from: HappyMoni on August 04, 2017, 10:23:54 PM
Sara, I might need some, I think I've been called a tart. :( That really makes me pop.
That Woman
There still seems to be some controversy there umm uh whoever you are.
But hey if the shoe fits.... ;D ;D :angel: ;D ;D
Hugs,
Laurie
Here's a toast to pop tarts! ;)
Quote from: Kendra on August 05, 2017, 12:13:28 AM
Here's a toast to pop tarts! ;)
::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)
Thank you all for sharing! I really enjoy reading all the post on Susan Place! Keeps me sane! For me hair removal will be the best thing I could do for my self esteem!
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Quote from: Kendra on August 05, 2017, 12:13:28 AM
Here's a toast to pop tarts! ;)
Long days and Pleasant nights...hip hip horay!!
Quote from: gv2002 on August 05, 2017, 05:57:33 AMI really enjoy reading all the post on Susan Place! Keeps me sane!
I am glad that Susan's Place helps keep you sane. But reading that remark on
this thread is a bit of an oxymoron! >:-)
Yes it is! Let me put it another way! Welcome to disfunction station where life begins anew! All aboard for a thrill ride!
Love you all!
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That's what I hair. Clearly. ;)
Quote from: Kendra on August 05, 2017, 12:13:28 AM
Here's a toast to pop tarts! ;)
Really buttering her up, huh? ::)
Such a sweetie, and so warm.
Quote from: Kendra on August 05, 2017, 12:13:28 AM
Here's a toast to pop tarts! ;)
Ah Kendra, back in the day, you should have heard my old Pappy talk about them tarts. Many's the day when we sat around the toaster listening to Pap tart talks, waiting to eat. It brings me back Girl, it brings me back!
Moni
Cue the banjos!
Quote from: KathyLauren on August 05, 2017, 06:49:14 AM
I am glad that Susan's Place helps keep you sane. But reading that remark on this thread is a bit of an oxymoron! >:-)
Just what are you trying to say Kathy?? Huh? Huh? (Dang foreigners!! I swear!)
Oh alright... You know I try to keep a rein on that Kendra :-\, but she keeps slipping it.
That Woman, Malarkie :( , or whatever, needs a leash and a muzzle at times.
And I haven't been able to snare that dang Devyl Lynn >:-) yet to sedate her. She's a sneaky one, she is.
And those are just the chronic offenders. You do know I try to limit my thread to serious discussions but it's hard with those jokers running wild. Don't you Kathy? ... Kathy?.. are you there?
(dang foreigners) ::)
Hugs,
Laurie :angel:
Hi Laurie,
How's it going? I got lost between pop tarts and morphine so I guess everything's back to normal in your thread now.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Good morning folks,
OMG! I'm barely able to drag myself out of bed after being kept up half the night by that down under upside down character. No no not Cindy, Yes she's a "character for sure" no the other one Liz. I just get my 2+ hour old strong strong coffee and open up Susan's to be assailed by this??? ::) ::)
Not only are the usual suspect hooligans at it again going on and on about ladies of ill repute, sodas, and other questionable subject not fit for my totally serious therapeutic discussion thread, But then I see I am being dissed by Canadian islander malcontents. Then, then! I'm getting called dysfunctional by the one lady that at least tried initially try to keep on subject.
It would be on hair raising experience! Hair? Oh yeah, we are back on subject. Electrolysis and pain relief methods...
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Shy on August 05, 2017, 10:42:27 AM
Hi Laurie,
How's it going? I got lost between pop tarts and morphine so I guess everything's back to normal in your thread now.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hi Shy,
Yes, I'm doing good. She haven't donned any of his clothing, back to having litle tiny hairs yanked out of my face, and doctor and therapy appointments all scheduled. Yep back to normal.
I just don't know about all these hooligans running amuck around here though. Sometimes it seems I am the only normal one posting. That Woman, Moonlove? Monorail? oh you know the one, I'm sure she's behind all this targeted nonsense. I think she has some sort of crush on me and doesn't know how to express it in a rational way The rest I think are sheep following her example.
So, yeah, I'm doing okay. What I want to know is how you are doing? You know I worry about you when you go into radio silence... Makes me think you are having some problems and trying to go it alone. You know that is just not right. We, I may be able to help. Or at least give you some moral support. It's just not like you to go running off like that. So, STOP IT! If you need a hand to hold or just a virtual (Hug) we, I am here for you. PM me, email me or whatever. Skype works too. Anyway I do hope whatever it was is better.
Hugs,
Laurie
Didn't mean to needle, I'll stick to the point this was about electrolysis. Maybe you're shocked but I have faced that's what it takes to be smooth around hair. ;)
All this talk of pop tarts got me to thinking about hot pockets. As innuendo regarding faux foods go, those two are both pretty ripe. Before I ate either though, I'd need all of coldhearts morphine.
This thread got pretty hairy for awhile.
Yes Laurie I nailed the fish curry. With all this folicing on your post you need to root out the rough from the smooth.
All these bald faced lies...about you (Aussie saying)
My self I think a hair has cause you all to lose your minds! I have laughed at how much fun you have!
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Quote from: gv2002 on August 05, 2017, 09:28:19 PM
My self I think a hair has cause you all to lose your minds! I have laughed at how much fun you have!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Well, it is not my fault. I am the only one in the bunch that is of sound mind. (the body? not so much)
All the rest, you have to wonder about.
Hugs,
Laurie
It's all about the ride! We come in many styles and many flavor! I'm a woman in and out! Yes I still have a difunctional kick stand! That's ok for now! I not really pretty! Have way to many hairs I want [emoji88]! I'll just be the best I can! Some may not have faults (really they are sick puppies) we can get through this together! We are unique!
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Quote from: Laurie on August 05, 2017, 11:01:46 AM
I just don't know about all these hooligans running amuck around here though. Sometimes it seems I am the only normal one posting. That Woman, Moonlove? Monorail? oh you know the one, I'm sure she's behind all this targeted nonsense. I think she has some sort of crush on me and doesn't know how to express it in a rational way The rest I think are deranged sheep following her example.
I give you a lovely story about Pap Tarts and you call your friends deranged sheep. You are truly the queen. As for my crush and your topic, I will be glad to save you money, my queen, and pull the unwanted follicles out one at a time with the royal pliers.
All my love,
Moonraker
Quote from: HappyMoni on August 05, 2017, 11:40:57 PM
I give you a lovely story about Pap Tarts and you call your friends deranged sheep. You are truly the queen. As for my crush and your topic, I will be glad to save you money, my queen, and pull the unwanted follicles out one at a time with the royal pliers.
All my love,
Moonraker
You are right, I should not be calling any one by those adjectives. Lets just leave it at "sheep following your example.
Laurie
[emoji23] lol
I believe anyone that goes through hair removal should get a degree in pain tolerance! All of you that have competed removal are amazing! Maybe a badge with a behind with a bug zapper touching!
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Hi folks,
Today has been one of those days.
I started out by getting up later than usual, turning on my computer, and getting some coffee. Returning to my desk, I login and start to get the morning medications and paraphernalia organized. Needle, lancets, meters, etc and launch mail client, facebook, Susan's my medication spreadsheet. I begin my pill sorting for the day's pills and look at facebook and bam there it is " transgender troop ban is now policy"... Instant anger, I'm pissed off. I read the article while sorting pills. Need more coffee. Get another cup and grab a slice of cold leftover pizza, screw cooking and the cards. I take my pills and check blood pressure hmmm up a bit surprise surprise. Blood sugar is okay, give myself my insulin shot and grab another slice of pizza. Start thinking of going for a drive. Today isn't a good day for Susan's kill that browser. Do a repost on FB and a couple of comments. God how I hate that man ughhhh! I go to my email client to shut it down and see I have a couple communication from friends. I read them and wish I hadn't. I need to get away. Get a FB message from my Missouri friend's daughter inviting me to go to a restaurant with them. Not a good Idea. Tell her thanks but that I ate already. Killed the FB browser. DAMN! I need a shower first. Phone rings, it's a friend , reminding me I said I would come over today to collect a little of the money she owes me. I don't want to deal with it now so I tell her to forget about what she owes me. It wasn't that much and I don't need it. Get into the shower, dry off and dress. I bring up a browser to address those messages I had read trying to fix a problem. then shut down the computer. I'm a bit less angry, but frustrated. I think I want to cry and before I can stop it I am. I feel anger, frustration, and foolish. Crying over nothing.
It doesn't last long but now I am tired too. Screw the drive I take a nap.
I wake up put my shoes on and turn the computer back on. No drive today but I still don't feel like getting on FB or Susan's. It would be a good idea. I bring up World of Warcraft maybe some monster killing will help. A light knock on the door. It's not my sister she would have said something too. So I get up and open the door to find my friends from Missouri standing there. WOW what a good surprise. I shut down the computer again. It seems that since I didn't go to the restaurant to be surprised with others that got invited, they brought the surprise to me. Had I stayed on fb a few seconds longer I would have gotten another message from their daughter suggested I may want to show up anyway. Or even had I brought it up after my nap I would have seen a picture of everyone at the restaurant. But neither of those happened due to my no so good mood. We had a good visit with them, their two granddaughter and a family friend that I also know. They left to take care of other business.
Anger pretty much gone, I once again bring up the computer, mail, FB and Susan's. More communications await me. This time when I am reading what is said once again make me cry. But this time is is from the good words I read, They touch me inside and made the tears flow again. My emotions are again under control. I can read and post on FB again. I take a picture of my transgender veteran T-shirt and post it on FB with a blurb about me being a transgender veteran and loving my country and express my displeasure over the ban. I do it calmly, I'm OK.
I'm good so I bring up Susan's, reading and making a few comments. I'm under control.
Yes, I am still somewhat angry. I hate what is happening in politics. I hate where my country is heading. And I hate what it does to me. But for now my emotions are in check. I'm okay. Welcome to my day.
Love you all and I'm sorry when my emotions get the best of me. It robs me from being of service to some of you and it robs me of getting support from all of you.
Hugs,
Laurie
That sucks...I read that today as I read my bulletins and I was thinking about how you were feeling about this. Not just you but all the Trans guys and girls serving...it must be heart braking to know this is not a rant but policy.
Glad you got some respite...
Crying is cathartic and I always feel remarkable after being able to release that emotion. I got slammed by some body dysphoria today and ended having a good cry...far heathier than pouring half a bottle port wine down your throat...or any of the many other hazardous activities we tend to do when in that state.
Maybe its Laurie Time??
Laurie, I'm sorry it started out badly! Remember one thing! Our gooberment does not represent the people! It's a corporation! (Act of 1871-YouTube)
Remember, breath deep! We are here for you!
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Laurie,
I share your anger. I try to think that when things swing too far one way it is bound to swing back. Of course, that doesn't help the people directly affected by this foolishness. I am heartened by the vocal backlash to this hateful act. A lot of people who never spoke up for us are starting to do so.
I am sorry for your difficult time. It sounds like you are kicking ass working through it. I hope you remember the tremendous crush I have on you, and it will maybe make you smile just a bit. I will correct you on one thing. I don't lead anyone. People bust your chops because they are comfortable with you, they like you, and, well..., your chops are quite bustable. I never mess with people I don't like, for my part.
Love ya Bratty,
Moni
I still can't believe you didn't like 'pap tarts.' lol
Laurie,
I think what you read on FB that the policy is now in effect for the transgender military ban is incorrect. I just researched all of the news organizations and there is no mention of it being implemented. "Clueless" has not sent any directive to the JCS and continues to be told by his lawyers that the ban would have a difficult time in court being upheld. The letter last week signed by the retired generals and admirals and the backlash from congress and others only adds to the difficulty of it being implemented. We can only be hopeful for everyone that still serves that this is another failed attempt on his part of what he thinks governing is, hence the name "clueless". Hope this brightens your day for you, hugs
Laurie, I am really sorry that you and other veterans and serving members have to deal with this. It makes me angry too, and I live in a different country. I am glad you are feeling a bit better now, but anger is appropriate. I hope something good comes from it.
Please continue to take good care of yourself.
Quote from: Denni on August 06, 2017, 10:05:15 AM
Laurie,
I think what you read on FB that the policy is now in effect for the transgender military ban is incorrect. I just researched all of the news organizations and there is no mention of it being implemented. "Clueless" has not sent any directive to the JCS and continues to be told by his lawyers that the ban would have a difficult time in court being upheld. The letter last week signed by the retired generals and admirals and the backlash from congress and others only adds to the difficulty of it being implemented. We can only be hopeful for everyone that still serves that this is another failed attempt on his part of what he thinks governing is, hence the name "clueless". Hope this brightens your day for you, hugs
Thank you Denni, I have settled down again.
However it is now official policy per reporting on LGBTQ Nation. It is called "A Guidance Policy for Open Transgender Service Phase Out" and this morning it was confirmed by Kelly Anne Conway on Face the Nation today. She also said it is working it's way through the system to become a directive to the military.
It is happening and I hope it can be stopped before it gets there and they implement it.
Hugs,
Laurie
It's so pathetic. Who they're throwing out are some of the finest people serving today. Here's an acquaintance of mine that has served in the Guard for 14 years. This is a high quality person that came out and stuck her head up because Obama said it was okay. Now she faces the misogynistic trans-phobic anti gay hatred that is the sum total of this Administration. She stuck her head up and is having it shot off. Pathetic...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EArzGiWj9rc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EArzGiWj9rc)
Thank you everyone for your support as you always do.
I feel very strongly about the state of politic is this country. So much so that I have had to block all political content from my feed lest I say things that will not only offend some of you, but will also be against the TOS. I love this site too much to risk not being able to be a part of it.
This particular subject is one that causes me to go beyond my normal political views to the point I cannot trust myself to be civil anywhere to anyone. I do not like when this happens That is when it is best I turn off the computer and leave the apartment and go for a drive. No, I do not take it out on the road in fits of road rage or stupid driving behavior. Rather the road help calm me down. The noise of the tires on the asphalt is soothing and I become more aware of the serene scenery around me as I head to the mountains or the coast away from people. It's my therapy for anger and it works.
So if there's been are particularly annoying news story hitting the media and I disappear suddenly I've probably driving down the road. Don't worry I'll be back.
Thank you all again for being here for me.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: jentay1367 on August 06, 2017, 01:03:58 PM
It's so pathetic. Who they're throwing out are some of the finest people serving today. Here's an acquaintance of mine that has served in the Guard for 14 years. This is a high quality person that came out and stuck her head up because Obama said it was okay. Now she faces the misogynistic trans-phobic anti gay hatred that is the sum total of this Administration. She stuck her head up and is having it shot off. Pathetic...
Thank you Lisa,
She is a courageous woman and we need more like her.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi folks
I want to say to everyone that I do not want this thread becoming a political soap box. There are other more appropriate places for that. Let try to keep political comments here general if we can. I will have to work at that myself.
Laurie
Yes, we almost drifted off topic. It was a real close shave. ;)
Hugs, Devlyn
That's what happens when folks get apathetic . Glad your feeling better sweaty after that hair raising experience. When's your next torture session and have you noticed any results yet?
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on August 06, 2017, 01:44:32 PM
Yes, we almost drifted off topic. It was a real close shave. ;)
Hugs, Devlyn
::) ::) Are you running yet?
LOL Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: davina61 on August 06, 2017, 02:00:23 PM
That's what happens when folks get apathetic . Glad your feeling better sweaty after that hair raising experience. When's your next torture session and have you noticed any results yet?
Hi Davina,
Thanks, Yes I am feeling better and under control again.
My next session is the 18th for a one hour session as they all will be now. I had to reschedule from the 16th because I will be going to my labs, CT scan, Oncology appointments on the 14th and the 15th is my GP appointment. I will be going to those as myself for the first time and didn't really want to be fuzzy faced when I go.
As for results I really cannot tell where she worked the previous 3 hours, but they have had well over 2 months to grow back out. The 2 new areas are still bare of course and there was a little bit of redness and scabbing but not a lot. This 2 hour session was more painful than previously ones and I tried blaming it on the use of the EMLA cream instead of the 4% lidocaine Apercreme I used before. BUt as I think about it my dosage of estradiol got doubled and that may be part of the reason too. Anyway it did hurt more and when she strayed to an untreated spot I REALLY hurt. Almost brought tears to my eyes. I was a good girl and did all the prep I had recommended prior to going to the session. Electrolysis is no fun.
Hugs again Davina,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on August 06, 2017, 02:38:55 PM
Electrolysis is no fun.
Yes, there will never be a theme park ride called "Electrolysis"
Quote from: Laurie on August 06, 2017, 02:25:12 PM
::) ::) Are you running yet?
LOL Hugs,
Laurie
Not so fast you can't catch me. ;)
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on August 06, 2017, 03:49:31 PM
Not so fast you can't catch me. ;)
Hugs, Devlyn
What a trophy you will make for my collection. I do know where to begin the hunt. I think a butterfly net will be appropriate for this one.
Hugs Back,
Laurie
If worst comes to worst you can throw some of Monrakers pap tarts at her ;D
Lets not get started on those sheep jokes...Kiwi are traditionally world champions at them...along with Rugby and L&P
ewe should know baaater than that. Don't want to ram it in but must be some woolly thinking , best give it the chop.
Oh my. Davina is on a dinner roll.
That will be a rolled brisket ( not had one of those for years)
I am so glad that your friends from Missouri surprised you--what fun!!! Now the one who won't plan gets a taste of her own medicine ;) Hope you have a good week.
Quote from: p on August 07, 2017, 04:07:57 PM
I am so glad that your friends from Missouri surprised you--what fun!!! Now the one who won't plan gets a taste of her own medicine ;) Hope you have a good week.
Thanks Patti,
That comment about getting a taste of my own medicine was just what Peggy said when they came to visit. I will be seeing them for a bit tonight when I go see them at their daughter's double header softball games. They are here to pick up their grand kids to fetch them back to Missouri with them and to visit their son and daughter. I was just thrown in as a "since we are here" kind of thing. lol
Hugs,
Laurie
lol I like your 'since I am here' kind of thing better. "Since I am in Maine, I'll go to Philly, Washington, Denver,... "
Montessori (minus the 'tessor')
Quote from: davina61 on August 07, 2017, 03:08:12 PM
ewe should know baaater than that. Don't want to ram it in but must be some woolly thinking , best give it the chop.
ha ha speechless hahaha
Well I do live in sheep county, hope it put a smile on some ones face. Just remembered Laurie doesn't like lamb, raw beef and fish yes.
She is due a lambasting having an attitude like that! LOL
That road trip beefed up Laurie's courage which I herd was previously rare with an occasional cold shoulder but is now very well done - a warm, kind sole and always in good taste.
Dang...kendra's on a roll!
I just don't know what I'm to do with all of you nuts. Dredge you in egg and then seasoned flour and toss you all in a hot fry pan. Well done everyone.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: davina61 on August 08, 2017, 04:29:31 PM
Well I do live in sheep county, hope it put a smile on some ones face. Just remembered Laurie doesn't like lamb, raw beef and fish yes.
Laurie doesn't like lamb, where I live its 20 sheep per human so I should be safe from her evil ways... For now.
Quote from: Kendra on August 08, 2017, 06:23:04 PM
That road trip beefed up Laurie's courage which I herd was previously rare with an occasional cold shoulder but is now very well done - a warm, kind sole and always in good taste.
Very good Kendra I like
I had a real bad feeling when I saw the word sheep on this thread.
Q. What three lies does a rancher tell?
1. I own my own ranch
2. I do have a pick up truck
3. Honnestly I was only trying to help that sheep over the fence!
Q. How do sheep hearders practice safe sex?
A. Marking the sheep with a big X of the ones that kick!
Two sheep herders are flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.
SH1:Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
SH2: What about the sheep?!?
SH1: screw the sheep!!!!
SH2: (pause) Do you think we have time?
I'm sorry Laurie, I couldn't resist . I feel baaaaahd!
Quote from: jentay1367 on August 08, 2017, 08:08:54 PM
I'm sorry Laurie, I couldn't resist . I feel baaaaahd!
::) ::) ::)
Yes, those were as baaaaad as you.
Hugs for ya anyway
Laurie
Quote from: coldHeart on August 08, 2017, 07:58:29 PM
Quote from: davina61 on August 08, 2017, 04:29:31 PM
Well I do live in sheep county, hope it put a smile on some ones face. Just remembered Laurie doesn't like lamb, raw beef and fish yes.
Laurie doesn't like lamb, where I live its 20 sheep per human so I should be safe from her evil ways... For now.
Quote from: Kendra on August 08, 2017, 06:23:04 PM
That road trip beefed up Laurie's courage which I herd was previously rare with an occasional cold shoulder but is now very well done - a warm, kind sole and always in good taste.
Very good Kendra I like
Just who's side are ewe on Sara?
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: HappyMoni on August 08, 2017, 08:01:38 PM
I had a real bad feeling when I saw the word sheep on this thread.
Your worries, M'Lady, were justified as ewe can sea. Stay tuna'd for more. I tried to moove out the the way but someone but a bull's eye on my back. I can't really have a beef about it with some of my shenanigans I guess.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on August 08, 2017, 08:46:12 PM
Your worries, M'Lady, were justified as ewe can sea. Stay tuna'd for more. I tried to moove out the the way but someone but a bull's eye on my back. I can't really have a beef about it with some of my shenanigans I guess.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie, check your back and make sure it is a bull's eye and not one of Jentay's safe sex X's.
For the record I have had several piercings but no tattoos.
Ewe having a laugh Laurie.
So we've moved away from Poptarts and are onto farm animals now ;D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIaFtAKnqBU
Thanks for the kind words Laurie, I'm fine honest, just need to take a back step for a while before I mention the "M" word again ;D Trying to distract myself with non gender related stuff whilst waiting for the GC appointment to come through.
Hope everyone's well in Laurie land, will catch up soon.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on August 10, 2017, 08:48:13 AM
So we've moved away from Poptarts and are onto farm animals now ;D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIaFtAKnqBU
Thanks for the kind words Laurie, I'm fine honest, just need to take a back step for a while before I mention the "M" word again ;D Trying to distract myself with non gender related stuff whilst waiting for the GC appointment to come through.
Hope everyone's well in Laurie land, will catch up soon.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Well okay Sadie, just don't take too long or I will be hounding (howl) you again. Now get a moooove on.
Bear Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Folks,
It's time for tests and doctors once again. Once again I can feel a bit of apprehension beginning to build. On Monday I go to the Portland, Or. VA hospital and wait to be called for an IV insertion and possibly another nasty contrast drink (I don't always get a drink). If I am lucky and the lady (she'll likely call me Laurie as I told her last time) that does the IV is working, she will draw the blood for my lab tests. Otherwise I'll have to have it done after. Then it's another wait to be called for the CT scan. After this there will be about an hour maybe more for my visit with my oncologist for the verdict. Good or bad I look forward to my visits with her. Today will be done in girl mode for the first time. It will be another thing on my mind to worry about. But hey I'm full time, right!!??? I have to do it sometime. Still it's waiting rooms full for the most part with men. It's people working there that I see almost every time I go that I recognize but do not know. Once I get to my oncologist it will be better. She will be happy to see me as myself for the first time. She knows because I told her six months ago. She was one of my very successful reveals. But I still will be wondering what the verdict is going to be this time. She has already had to tell me I was going to die twice. When she did, it was like a punch in the gut to me, but I felt sorry for her having to tell me. It isn't pleasant for either of us.
Whatever the verdict I still have one more appointment to go to. I've made an appointment with my gender therapist to talk. It's been over two and a half months, maybe three since I saw him last. I thought it time I told him how my road trip went and about my being full time now. I'm not sure if there will be other topics but those two might give us enough to talk about. We'll see.
Tuesday is my appointment with my regular physician. He should have gotten the results of my T and E labs by then. I'm curious what those results will show as it may mean changes in my HRT meds. My T was up from 70 to 200 last time and my E was 154. He told me he wants me over 200 for E. I am hopeful he will do something about both. But I'm not excited about the possibility like I was last time when he doubled my Estradiol.
On a lighter note:
Today was laundry and due to my sister's health I had assume the duties of laundry lady. in the past I had done her clothes and mine in separate loads. This time there was only enough for 2 loads combined, a load of dark and a load of light clothes. When both loads were done I dumped them on my bed to sort hers from mine. I got a chuckle when sorting the jeans. I left the women's jeans on my bed for me to fold later and put the men's jeans in the basket for her.
Well, that's it for me today.
Hugs to you all,
Laurie
Laurie, I hope things go well for you on Monday. I can't imagine what it's like going through all that.
Quote from: josie76 on August 11, 2017, 08:49:25 PM
Laurie, I hope things go well for you on Monday. I can't imagine what it's like going through all that.
Thank you Josie,
No I can't say it is something I enjoy doing every three months. But it's either that or give up and I will not do that.
Fortunately I am not prone to depression so my apprehension only come on just prior to my appointments and isn't bad. But it sure is a big relief when she tells me I'm okay for another 3 months. I'm coming up on 3 years since my last round with it. Knock on wood.
Hugs,
Laurie
I second Josie's motion. I'm sending good vibes for perfect results, Laurie. Best of luck.
Laurie I hope the waiting room is pretty large because there will be a crowd there - all of us. We are all there with you.
Quote from: Jessica Lynne on August 11, 2017, 09:34:42 PM
I second Josie's motion. I'm sending good vibes for perfect results, Laurie. Best of luck.
Thank you Jess, I'm pretty sure it is going to be good again and I'll feel silly again for worrying a little.
Quote from: Kendra on August 11, 2017, 09:45:23 PM
Laurie I hope the waiting room is pretty large because there will be a crowd there - all of us. We are all there with you.
Kendra Of course you all will, what do you think I mentioned it for? I do that so I have you all with me where ever I go.
Thank you both,
Hugs,
Laurie
You Will be Ok...I have great faith in the ability of humour and good living to keep you feeling great.
Kendra is right we will all be with you...I'll be the one thats being a "disagreeable cuss" (as you so eloquently put it) if the Dr doesn't have the right results...which I am sure he will
Take care and I hope it all goes well
Well my Sister in C it so happens Monday I go my oncologist for the report on my 6 month scans. The last time it was a ..."I'm sorry to tell you this but the cancer has returned. Surgery or palliative care are now your only options."
This time will be a cake walk for both of us!!
Since I'm 24 hours ahead in time zones, how do I beat you in the presentation game?
Oh! maybe in my freezing cold Adelaide clothes!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FwUgQ6Uq.jpg&hash=f4c57292016e95bbc5ec5c187ebb3290c8011be0)
Just remember, the show isn't over until I sing!
LOL Cindy,
You are a sight in those clothes, I'm still thinking about what I'll wear. I'm leaning towards a skirt and matching blouse outfit. Now I suppose I'll need to post a picture. This will be a first time there for me as me so it ought to be interesting.
I'll be praying for good results for both of us.
It's been a bit warm here but is cooling down again.
Hugs,
Laurie
I'm just thinking that this is your first time having scans, bloods, exams in female clothes. It can be a bit different.
If you are having scans you have to remove your bra. Skirts are a pain on the CT tube as they tend to fall over the side of the bed/stretcher thing and no one wants them to get tangled. They can also be difficult to lie down on the stretcher with without showing leg and underwear. No one cares but the patient (you and I). Loose sleeves for blood draw. No metal belts.
So be ready to take clothes on and off.
You may get the wonderful affirming words if you get contrast medium. "Women often feel as if they are going to pee themselves. I assure you that you are not".
Or as my tech said for my last scan (we know each other by now), 'Get ready ready for a warm one without the drips'. Australia is a different world :laugh:
I have no idea how my medic techs get to know me but they are all rude and disrespectful to this sweet little old lady.
Grump >:-)
Quote from: Cindy on August 12, 2017, 04:40:30 AM
I'm just thinking that this is your first time having scans, bloods, exams in female clothes. It can be a bit different.
If you are having scans you have to remove your bra. Skirts are a pain on the CT tube as they tend to fall over the side of the bed/stretcher thing and no one wants them to get tangled. They can also be difficult to lie down on the stretcher with without showing leg and underwear. No one cares but the patient (you and I). Loose sleeves for blood draw. No metal belts.
So be ready to take clothes on and off.
You may get the wonderful affirming words if you get contrast medium. "Women often feel as if they are going to pee themselves. I assure you that you are not".
Or as my tech said for my last scan (we know each other by now), 'Get ready ready for a warm one without the drips'. Australia is a different world :laugh:
I have no idea how my medic techs get to know me but they are all rude and disrespectful to this sweet little old lady.
Grump >:-)
Thanks Cindy for the tips. I'm an old hand on the CT table and have an intimate relationship with the contrast. It always gives me that warm fuzzy feeling and bad taste. I just hope for a non vein blow out experience. Those hurt, they hurt a lot. I hadn't thought about skirt problems but this skirt isn't very full. I'll keep it in mind though and check. If I have to take it off that's not a big deal as I always had to drop my pants for the previous scans and yes last time I was wearing panties. So nothing new there. The top is sleeveless so no problem there. I'll either have to buy a hookless bralette or go without because all my bras have hooks. I did think of this earlier. I could go braless as mine are small enough that they do not sag yet. I would just have to ignore a couple of direction indicators pointing the way. It's the crowded waiting rooms and first contacts with the people I see every time that work there. Like the older lady that does the IVs, she'll come out calling Mr. Wickwire and I'll be the woman that stands up. *sigh*
Yeah it is going to be interesting.
Sweet little old lady huh? Okay.
Hugs,
Laurie
Good luck on Monday, Laurie. If anyone in the waiting room gives you a hard time, just tell them that feminization is a side-effect of the contrast stuff. >:-)
Good luck, Laurie! Everyone was great when I was at the hospital a few weeks ago. I got the warm wet feeling too. When the tech came back in I said "It did feel like I peed myself" and he said "No one has yet!" :laugh:
Quote from: KathyLauren on August 12, 2017, 06:30:00 AM
Good luck on Monday, Laurie. If anyone in the waiting room gives you a hard time, just tell them that feminization is a side-effect of the contrast stuff. >:-)
Now that's funny! When I was at the urologists I noticed there were two kinds of people in the waiting room: Old men and transgender women. I wonder what was going through those old guys heads. ;D
Hugs, Devlyn
Laurie drop Clyde back in your purse so a part of me will truly be with you. Good luck Monday, Sweetie!
Moanie
Hi Laurie,
Whenever I check in at a clinic of any kind I request for them, particularly the nurse calling me in, to use my name. They have almost universally complied.
And if this contrast fluid works so well for feminization, shouln't all of us Transgender women add it to our hrt cocktail?
Good luck girl, we will be praying for you.
Tia Anne
Good luck Monday :)
I have every thing crossed for you, hoping you have the results you want . Big hugs from here XX.
Hi folks,
Thank you all for the support. I'm sure, well pretty sure I'll survive my outing come Monday. I am still working on what to wear and probably will go shopping today for a hookless bralette to keep my turn indicators from misbehaving. I'm getting a little better at venturing into the women's section but it's going to feel weird shopping in the bra section.
Yesterday was a bit of a difficult day for me. Some of you may have noticed. Sorry. I was once again having those self defeating doubts and insecurities about transitioning. You know the ones. The WTF do you think you are doing? Just look at you, you're not a woman, you're a man. I don't feel like a woman. All that crap. It put me into a pretty good funk and at one point it caused my ocular orbs to leak as one of our sisters put it recently. I think I could even have been described as distraught. I believe it was caused by several things hitting me at once. I just didn't feel right.
Fortunately I ran into a devil last night, well the devil's advocate actually. She caught on something was bothering me pretty quickly and wouldn't leave it alone. She kept badgering me with reason and logic and facts, throwing them at me every time I tried to squirm away with silly unsustainable arguments. It took her a few unplanned hours that I'm sure she could have put to better use rather than having to contend with my nonsense. But eventually she got through to me and I began to feel better and putting me back on track.
Thank you Liz for last night and all of our other private talks.
See folks? I'm human just like all of you out there. I have my bad days, some worse than others. I get down and let life send me into a funk where I need someone to batter some sense back into my head. Without help and support of my friends here I couldn't have made the progress I have. All of you here help me in some way, some more than others but all of you help me to be who I am.
I have my good and sometimes great days too.
Life can't be all doom and gloom. We must have out victories over our difficulties or we couldn't keep going. They sustain us and give us hope. Sharing them gives others hope, Isn't that part of why we are here? To provide support, to others and to get support for ourselves? To get and give help? to give and get hope? That's why I come here and share what goes on with me. It helps me and maybe helps someone else in the process.
Thank you everyone for being here for me.
Today is a better day.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on August 12, 2017, 06:59:45 AM
Now that's funny! When I was at the urologists I noticed there were two kinds of people in the waiting room: Old men and transgender women. I wonder what was going through those old guys heads. ;D
Hugs, Devlyn
If those TS Women were looking good, then most probably, reassessment of their values.
Quote from: Laurie on August 12, 2017, 01:58:34 PM
Hi folks,
See folks? I'm human just like all of you out there.
Hugs,
Laurie
You're the toughest Broad we know, so we have a little fun with ya'. But we all love and respect the hell out of you!
Monday's gonna come and go with a clean bill of health and then it's back to the hard part, living.
Quote from: Jessica Lynne on August 12, 2017, 02:02:57 PM
You're the toughest Broad we know, so we have a little fun with ya'. But we all love and respect the hell out of you!
Monday's gonna come and go with a clean bill of health and then it's back to the hard part, living.
Thank you Jess,
I sure don't agree with the being tough part. My funk wasn't about Monday, well it may have had a small part. it was just the usual crap that hits all of us from time to time. I'm past it again for awhile.
Hugs,
Laurie
I
Yes good luck for Monday fairy godmother whoops I mean Laurie, your fly through it.
Moni you offering Clyde around, what you still have him not at home in a jar surely!
Quote from: Laurie on August 12, 2017, 02:09:11 PM
Thank you Jess,
I sure don't agree with the being tough part. My funk wasn't about Monday, well it may have had a small part. it was just the usual crap that hits all of us from time to time. I'm past it again for awhile.
Hugs,
Laurie
I
Hugs for you too, Sweetie. Actually, extra ones, cuz' some days just hella suck! This too shall pass ;)
Looks like we all get the WTF am I doing days even me, goes with the job.
Quote from: davina61 on August 12, 2017, 02:35:23 PM
Looks like we all get the WTF am I doing days even me, goes with the job.
Hi Davina,
Unfortunately you are right. it goes with the territory. It sure is not my first time and it will not be my last but with friends helping it doesn't last long.
Hugs,
Laurie
Yes just coming on here and reading posts helps, love to every one
Sounds like you all have been having "fun" this past week.
Me I just keep on my going out till I drop week, after all I am only 66.
Tuesday a fellow MtF female friend and I sang and drank till they threw us out at 0200, Went next door and had some early breakfast laughing and telling tales till after 0400, Nice weather and talked some more in the parking lot till 0430, We are getting to be more and more close friends, Driving home at 0500, Good thing my drive is opposite to rush traffic, I finally went to bed around 0530. I'm determined to take her down with me, I call her kid as she is about 2 years younger than I. Slept till after noon, still felt slow all Wednesday.
Thursday my annual eye doctor, Hate those drops for dilation, Spent the time at home resting my eyes for another night out, Meeting my special friend again, Another gal special friend (MtF CD haven't seen her since end of June) joined us and others, Spent the time chatting and singing but left early around 0100, No breakfast just went home, Did get to bed around 0300.
Friday decided to go to one of the local support groups to see people (1900-2100), Haven't been there since December, After that went to the club to see who was out, Sang and danced and chatted with other friends till 0200, Went home don't know when I went to bed.
Saturday some of us went to a different place, An all type of games place, Played some pool and chatted, Left there before midnight, It was warm and humid (big rain storm had gone thru), Home to bed sometime.
Today just another stay in night.
Monday is my Movie and groceries day, seldom go out at night.
Other than all that it is usually similar. Week after week it tends to repeat.
Georgette
Well Hi there Georgette!
Honestly Lady I don't see how you do it. Carousing around partying all night, night after night. When I stay up late a couple of nights I wind of having to sleep it off a day or so later to catch up on my sleep. I don't know what I would do if I wasn't able to get my retired girl naps.
I'm glad you enjoy your nightlife escapades. More power to you if you can get away with it.
Hugs,
Laurie
Georgette
Wow you know how to party hard.
Sara
Best wishes for today Laurie, hope all goes well for you.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Laurie, thoughts and prayers are with you today, not only for the best news possible but those WTF moments become less in numbers and intensity. Just went through one myself so your post struck home.
Quote from: Denni on August 14, 2017, 08:43:52 AM
Laurie, thoughts and prayers are with you today, not only for the best news possible but those WTF moments become less in numbers and intensity. Just went through one myself so your post struck home.
Hi Denni,
It's rare to see a comment from you on my thread, but lady, you are most welcome here as is everyone else. Yes those funk days are not a lot of fun are they? I hope yours wasn't very long and that you manager to get your head back in the right space. Talking with friends that can challenge your low thoughts or just listen can be a great help. I felt pretty good afterwards. I hope you do too.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hey Laurie, best wishes - really. Own it.
Quote from: Kendra on August 14, 2017, 09:23:14 AM
Hey Laurie, best wishes - really. Own it.
Thank you Kendra,
I changed my mind on what I will wear, Taking Cindy's advice I opted for practicality ever stunning looks. lmao !. I did want to look nice for my oncology and therapy appointments but yoga pants and my transgender veteran T-shirt make more sense. Oh well.
Hugs,
Laurie
Transgender Veteran t-shirt - you earned it!
Thinking of you today, Laurie! Hope everything goes well, love!
Hey everyone,
My glow in the dark day is history and the verdict from my oncologist was in my favor !! Another clean bill of health ! Well for three more months that is. I'm thinking I need to negotiate a longer warranty. 3 months seems to go by all too soon. But it does go to remind a person that life and health isn't a given. Life is fragile and in many instances all too short.
Not only did I get a good result from the CT Scan, I found out I've lost 8 pounds since my last weigh in 3 months ago. I know 8 lbs in 3 months isn't much, but when you consider I have been slowly gaining weight for almost 3 years 3 - 4 lbs every 3 three months, it's something. # months ago I felt good that I had not gain any weight but I hadn't lost any. I'm now at 196 down from 204. Color me happy. I do not think I have ever intentionally lost weight in my life.
Tomorrow I see my GP to discuss my HRT. I'm hoping he will increase my Estradiol again but of of course that will depend on the lab results. E was at 154 last time and he wants to see it over 200. My E results were not back yet. My Testosterone was up last time for some reason to 200 when it had bee at 70. I saw today that it was down lower that I've seen it previously it dropped to 30. At least T was down again and in the right neighborhood. So we'll see what the doctor thinks tomorrow.
All is well with me and the world today.
I also saw my therapist today and related the fairy tale of Laurie's road adventure and subsequent decision to stay herself full time. He thoroughly enjoyed the tale. So did I as in the telling , this girl suffered from those ocular leaks that seems to be becoming a common occurrence. I can't imagine why telling the story of a simple road trip visiting other ladies should have that effect on me, But it did. I had to break out a tissue even. (I now carry a few in my purse) Sometimes I'm such a girl.
Speaking of being a girl, last night I took back my bralette and got a larger size. Just in case I bought a leisure bra too. Then I decided to look at sandals. I found a cute pair ON SALE for $5.98 normally $19.99. Then I saw another cute pair with high heels in my size right on the top shelf and they to were ON SALE for $9.88 normally $32.99. Yes, I bought them both for less than a dollar more than a pair I had picked out already (those went back on the shelf)
Picture of them below.
Hugs,
Laurie
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FdSs7FgQ.jpg&hash=6127bb3d83aecbf08d695dc834dab8c2398f7ca5)
Every day is a gift for every one of us. Congrats!! I'm so happy for you and for us. Good luck with the E and just as an aside, sweet kicks!
Fantastic News and so glad to hear everything went well.
Somneone here once told me to buy shares in a tissue factory as I was gonna need a heap of them...yeah right...I now buy in bulk!! LOL
We have chatted about your trip and it does not surprise the there were some leaks...
Now the shoes!!!!...the heels are huge...when I look at Laurie on Skype when she stands up I can usually see a full shot of her...but after she put on those shoes I could see nothing above her shoulders...3 1/2 inch heels...you are going to break you neck on those... heck of a long way to fall!! LOL
Great new fairy god mother glad all is well, never knew you were a "heels" girl.
Sara.
Hot dog, does that mean you and I can throw down again, you Rascal you!
Moni
Oh I found about 6 of those pounds you lost. Most are on my butt.
Quote from: HappyMoni on August 14, 2017, 06:41:16 PM
Most are on my butt.
The only place they're welcome ;D
Yays on happy doctor visits! And FMS FTW! :laugh: >:-)
Hugs, Devlyn
Great news Laurie. The only thing I found out was the next appointments are being made with a smile of 'Oh that's just before Christmas'. I'm not even ready to think about Christmas.
Wooooow. This post that was created just in March is almost matching the number of comments our friend Rachels has that was created in 2013 :O!!!
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on August 14, 2017, 08:39:24 PM
Wooooow. This post that was created just in March is almost matching the number of comments our friend Rachels has that was created in 2013 :O!!!
Laurie justifiably has a huge following and a massive amount of friends. Line forms at the rear.
Laurie this is indeed great news on your first oncology visit after full time. Losing eight pounds in 3 months is significant and a healthy rate of change. Also consider this is with HRT which some members have observed makes weight management a bit more challenging.
Nice heels but you don't need to click them together. You know how to drive to Kansas and beyond.
Hi folks,
Yes, the news was definitely welcome news and I thank each and all of you for sharing me apprehensions before and my happiness over the results today. Indeed it was welcome news. But I didn't even touch on the aspect of today's events that Kendra alluded to in her post. The part involving this being my first time having to check in with the people that have only seen me in male attire, going to have the labs drawn an IV put in by the little older lady that always does it and I told about be before, The same CT techs, another chick in at the clinic where my oncology appointment is, and of course seeing my oncologist for the first time who I had also told before. As i said before facing these challenges caused me a little bit of apprehension even though I am getting pretty inured to it now. The different that concerned me were these were people I see every 3 months and the lobby and waiting areas are always full.
Today went pretty much as I anticipated. Walking in and checking in was not an issue at all. I guess I am getting used to it more than I thought. But when the IV lady came out and called out in her loud voice "Mr. Wickwire?" I cringed and followed her into the room. She's a nice lady and I always enjoy talking with her. After telling her I am going by Laurie now she apologized and said she was going to make a note of it for future use. I had told her before but she see dozen of patients every day and I haven't had the records change to reflect the new me. She said I looked great and said she was happy for me and thought my coming out took courage. She also said she loved my transgender veteran T-shirt. I told her of my trip while she worked, then it was back out to the waiting room. Sure enough about 45 minute on of the CT techs comes out and hollers "Mr. Wickwire?" ( I really need to get that name change made ) Again not issues getting the CT scan done, after all they are professions in the medical profession and act accordingly.
Then it's off to the oncology and check in no issues except when the worker gave me my folder she directed me to area "D" instead of the usual Area "A" so off I went down the hall, around the corner and down that hall to area "D" where a nurse took my folder inside only to return 5 minutes later to tell me I was in the wrong area and sent me back to area "A". I took a peek inside at my paperwork and right at the top it said there area I was supposed to go to was area "A". Why sent sent me to D I do not know but I'll choose to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe she just made an mistake.
In the waiting area I notice a few sidelong looks and one outright stare. I was completely oblivious to anything in the CT area but noticing it in oncology was slightly uncomfortable, but only slightly. When the doctor's assisting nurse called "Leonard Wickwire" I followed her telling her I was going by Laurie now and let her weigh me and take my vitals. Surprisingly she told me my BP was very good and referred to me with a friendly "girl" She ha also noted I was Laurie on my paperwork for the doctor to see. Another wait and I answered when 'Wickwire" was called and ushered into the room to wait for my oncologist. When Doctor Graff entered the room she greeted me with a hug and compliments, even telling me I looked beautiful. I could not have had a better reception. She told me that when she saw the note on my name she didn't know what to expect.. She listened with interest and delight while I told her that I finally did my trip to Maine completing my goal and that I did it almost all in girl mode and had gone full time.
We talked about her two kids and their excitement about a Disney cruise to Alaska they have booked. And she expressed sorrow that I'm no longer in touch with my daughter and grand children due to my daughters reaction to my coming out. I explained I cut off communications because I was done with being hurt by her blaming me still for my past failings at home. we them moved on to the business of why I was there. She checked me out and then gave me my relief by telling me the good news. Another hug and I was checking out and on to my gender therapy session.
Checking in was no problem at all and while waiting I chatted to a couple of others there in the waiting room. The doc came and got me and I followed him to the office where I brought him up to date on my escapades across country and my visits with all the wonderful ladies I met, including you Kendra, and my decision to continue living full time upon my return. It required a couple tissues for the telling. I don't know why talking about all of you ladies bring on ocular leakage but it does. My therapist was very much in approval of my progress and we discussed my feelings on all of it. It had been almost three months since I last saw him and we had a bit to talk about. I'll continue the discussion in two weeks.
GP appointment about hormones tomorrow. First time as myself there too.
Well there ya go folks. That was the "rest of the story" Overall it was a very good day though not with out it's low points. I find I being misgendered is starting to matter a bit more to me now. A young neighbor the I told both names to and my preferences as to which I'd like used under what circumstances is still calling me Leonard and I noticed last night that it was starting to bother me now, I'll have to ask her to use Laurie now.
Anyway that's all for now.
Hugs,
Laurie
PS Sara: I love heels. When perusing shoes online I set the heel height to "3 1/2+ inches" and start there. I even am drawn to a 5" or 6" fetish pump with ankle locks. ssssshh That's a secret. I'm too sweet to be drawn to kinks.
lol
ljw
Congratulations girl. If you didn't already seal it with your drive part way around the planet, you sure did today.
:icon_yes: :icon_yes: :icon_yes: you got this....
Yay!!!! I am so happy for you, Laurie--for the good news about your health, and for your courage in going as Laurie to all of your appointments. Definitely a tough thing to do, and the doc's offices often do not get the memo on our preferred names / gender. Hope the GP goes well! :-*
Nice one sister, glad all is fine, 8lb in 3 months well I need to lose 20 but like you will never be less than a UK18 due to ribs, just need to make my ass a 18 as well (14/16 at the moment) and then might have a waist.
I am at the VA clinic waiting to see if the enrollment office will open the door so I can see if he can do something about this horrible picture on my VA card and possibly my name.
Saw my GP and discussed name changes and he said he had written letters for this purpose in the past as required for Washington state where I was born. I'll be needing one to have my birth certificate changed when I'm ready. That will begin that ball rolling. I mentioned to him that changing my legal name is a scary step for me. But at least I know who to get the letter from now.
Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk
More from the VA..
I talked to the enrollment guy and got the form to change my name with the VA... Not an easy task. It requires 2 forms of ID with my new name on them. So back to square one. It looks like I will have to pursue my birth certificate change from which all documents flow. ::) More research will be required into government red tape. *sigh*
Oh yeah I forgot to mention my estradiol labs still are not back so no verdict on hormone adjustments though I did get to say I would like an increase if possible. Plus when talking with him about his max dose he'll prescribe I got it clarified that he would consider a higher amount if an endo or documentation could give him reason. He also mention in the conversation that I have expressed wanting to add progesterone too. So he still has that under consideration.
I told him I am still getting cramps in my feet and lower legs and he doesn't think my medications have anything to do with it, thinking it might have more to do with my change to women's shoes. I disagreed but he did suggest checking for a physical foot problem and being seen by a podiatrist and he has ordered xrays.
That's about it. Home now.
Got a couple pics for your enjoyment.
Hugs,
Laurie
At the VA Clinic
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FpNuPZPf.jpg&hash=0fe415a2f2efaa9ef48ce3bafe56e9683ad2f390)
Doesn't this scream "A girl lives here?"
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FYinBDzV.jpg&hash=e2e0d4079d2f6d76b68f24d830b60511af8523bc)
That's what my dressing table drawer is like (less the sink!!!!) . Red tape , that's jobs for the boys (meaning justifying there jobs/existence) . Btw just painted my nails minty green, wasn't sure but loving it now.
Quote from: davina61 on August 15, 2017, 04:22:51 PM
That's what my dressing table drawer is like (less the sink!!!!) . Red tape , that's jobs for the boys (meaning justifying there jobs/existence) . Btw just painted my nails minty green, wasn't sure but loving it now.
I've got my polish on my computer desk so I can read the forum post whilst making my nails purdy.
My doctor's nurse assistant had here nails a light blue. I must admit I kind of liked the blue. I told her I wasn't into these new colors and I liked pinks and reds. She said see noticed my finger nails and toe nail were the same color and that it looks cute. She said it had been a long time since she had a manicure and took my hand to look closer at mine. She was a little surprised that I had done them myself and noticed that my nails were my own and said I was lucky I could grow them long. I pointed out to her I had just trimmed them because some had broken. Then smiled at her and told her one of the things I am enjoying now is being able to talk to women about women's stuff. It's so fun.
I forgot to mention I was again summoned from the waiting room by her calling out "Leonard Wickwire". I felt sorry for her because as soon as she saw me get up she was sorry for doing it. I could see it in her face. There was nothing but remorse there. I just said I was going by Laurie and told her it was okay as she didn't have anyway of know by her paperwork. She promised to try not to do it next time. It was different when we got in the room as she is usually all business but this time we chatted a little first. Somehow our relationship had shifted.
Hugs
Laurie
Laurie,
In my humble opinion emotions and feelings are the greatest gift from hrt but the second best is the relational shift in life. I can not think of the last time that I spoke with a woman that we did not include chatting about life before and after dealing with the original point of being there. It is something that I never expected and now totally love....yes, the boobs are nice too.
Tia Anne
Love the response Tia. I noticed the chat is beginning to happen in unusual places. It's kind of nice. And yes the boobs are a nice bonus. I get the points. I'm standing proud in more ways than one.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: HappyMoni on August 14, 2017, 06:41:16 PM
Hot dog, does that mean you and I can throw down again, you Rascal you!
Moni
Oh I found about 6 of those pounds you lost. Most are on my butt.
You can have some of mine if you want...no charge LOL
Quote from: Laurie on August 15, 2017, 03:00:41 PM
Doesn't this scream "A girl lives here?"
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FYinBDzV.jpg&hash=e2e0d4079d2f6d76b68f24d830b60511af8523bc)
...and a dam messy one at that...clean your act up girl or you will have the cosmetics police paying you a visit :police:
Quote from: Laurie on August 15, 2017, 05:26:09 PM
Love the response Tia. I noticed the chat is beginning to happen in unusual places. It's kind of nice. And yes the boobs are a nice bonus. I get the points. I'm standing proud in more ways than one.
Hugs,
Laurie
I agree with Tia and you that the interactions with other women are far different than the used to be. Women talk to other women in far different ways that men talk to men or men to women or women to men...its such a pleasant way of communicating and suits me just fine!
Quote from: Laurie on August 15, 2017, 03:00:41 PM
I talked to the enrollment guy and got the form to change my name with the VA... Not an easy task. It requires 2 forms of ID with my new name on them. So back to square one. It looks like I will have to pursue my birth certificate change from which all documents flow. ::) More research will be required into government red tape. *sigh*
Google "name change in Oregon" and one of the juicy links will be this one (http://www.courts.oregon.gov/Clackamas/Pages/formsNameChange.aspx). Normally you fill out the form, submit it to the courts, possibly see a judge and the prize will be a court order to change your name. Take this to everybody first like social security, VA, banks and so on. Last on the list is to change your birth certificate as they may keep the court order. Some states require you publish the name change and if so, ask about acceptable papers. California allowed one that published the adds really cheap and every so often I would find a copy of it on the porch and I didn't even subscribe to it. The regular paper was far more expensive to run adds in.
Hi Dena,
I think I have that one bookmarked for reference purposes. I thank you for looking into it for me. I have done some of that research myself.
Two problems are that it is for Clackamas County and all forms are for Clackamas Country. I live in a neighboring county and have to find the process and forms for my county. The other issue is the I was Born in a different state so birth certificate changes will have to comply with their rules.
So I have more research to do. I also have this irrational block to overcome before I can begin the process for real. Making the required changes to become Laurie legally is one of those "irreversible" steps I find difficult to take. I know, I know with all the progress and difficult steps I've overcome already why should this little thing be an obstacle? It seems silly I know, but it is there just a strong as my going into a store to shop for and purchase a woman's item paying for it at a live cashier. It was easier to go into that truck stop an ask for help. There I had no other choice. Here I do, and it takes a conscious effort to make that choice. I haven't yet made that choice. I do need to do it. I know that.
Hugs,
Laurie
Normally the court order you receive will work in another state. I had a complication with Wisconsin as I needed a different form for the gender change and it wasn't on their web site. If you add the county name to the search, you might be able to pull up the forum you need. As I don't know the county or city, I leave it to you to do the searching. I was able to get through RLE without changing my name so it's not really a requirement however in those days we mostly used cash and I only used checks for my rent and bills paid by mail. On the other hand, I just change my birth certificate so that shows you how important that document is. ;D
Thank you, Dena for looking into it for me.
On another note. I had forgotten to ask my therapist a question yesterday. So I sent him a message asking if he had made my voice training referral had been done since I had not heard anything from then. He replied that he believed we decided to not do that until I returned from my little trip. (another thing I must have forgotten. There seems to be so many of them recently) Anyway he submitted my referral this morning. It may take several weeks to hear back from them. *sigh* Well it's not like it's a crisis is it?
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on August 15, 2017, 03:00:41 PM
I told him I am still getting cramps in my feet and lower legs and he doesn't think my medications have anything to do with it, thinking it might have more to do with my change to women's shoes. I disagreed but he did suggest checking for a physical foot problem and being seen by a podiatrist and he has ordered xrays.
Hugs,
Laurie
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FpNuPZPf.jpg&hash=0fe415a2f2efaa9ef48ce3bafe56e9683ad2f390)
Are you drinking enough water? Are you on Spiro?
Moni
Doesn't this scream "A girl lives here?"
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FYinBDzV.jpg&hash=e2e0d4079d2f6d76b68f24d830b60511af8523bc)
I was/am a list maker. When I was seeing a therapist I would write down all my thoughts over the week so I could make the best use of the expensive sessions I was paying for. I would do that for other transition related things as well to make sure I didn't forget anything and then I would check them off when completed.
Quote from: Dena on August 15, 2017, 09:53:51 PM
I was/am a list maker. When I was seeing a therapist I would write down all my thoughts over the week so I could make the best use of the expensive sessions I was paying for. I would do that for other transition related things as well to make sure I didn't forget anything and then I would check them off when completed.
Lol I have tried that Dena. It even sort of worked for a bit then I forgot the list and that was that. Such behavior is too organized and too much like making a plan which I've said before I am allergic to. My life is predicated on loosely controlled chaos and sketchy ideas the culminate in impromptu actions.
The closest I have come to it is a spread sheet I made to track my blood pressure and sugar readings along with what medications I take and when. I use a template that covers a single month and have kept it up for 3 years now.
Believe me that is a big accomplishment for me and about as organized as I get.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on August 15, 2017, 10:18:44 PM
Lol I have tried that Dena. It even sort of worked for a bit then I forgot the list and that was that. Such behavior is too organized and too much like making a plan which I've said before I am allergic to. My life is predicated on loosely controlled chaos and sketchy ideas the culminate in impromptu actions.
The closest I have come to it is a spread sheet I made to track my blood pressure and sugar readings along with what medications I take and when. I use a template that covers a single month and have kept it up for 3 years now.
Believe me that is a big accomplishment for me and about as organized as I get.
Hugs,
Laurie
That's why I like you so much. ;D
Hugs, Devlyn
Laurie,
What I have found will help you with your cramps is to increase your water intake. I also was seeing an increase in leg cramps and increased my water intake, to three bottles a day and they have decreased significantly and also in intensity. Try that and hopefully you will have the same results. Hugs
Denni
Quote from: Denni on August 16, 2017, 08:23:21 AM
Laurie,
What I have found will help you with your cramps is to increase your water intake. I also was seeing an increase in leg cramps and increased my water intake, to three bottles a day and they have decreased significantly and also in intensity. Try that and hopefully you will have the same results. Hugs
Denni
Thanks for the idea Denni. Unfortunately I have been increasing the water I drink mainly due to prepping for electrolysis and in an effort to fill the veins to make IV insertion and blood draws easier on in the lab techs. I have at least doubled but more likely tripled my water intake. I suppose a recent increase in ocular leakage could be having an impact on my H2O stockpiling.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on August 16, 2017, 06:09:20 AM
That's why I like you so much. ;D
Hugs, Devlyn
Yeah Thank you Devyl. I like you too and wouldn't have you any other way than the funny talking citified ruffian you are. ((Hugs))
Laurie
If your loosing that much o2 from your ocular portals then it makes me think of cartoons , like fountains !!!!!!! Got to check my chicken curry back in a bit.XX
I came across this while trying to sneak a peak into my daughter's and family's life. I makes me happy to see it.
It is a Huffpost U.K. article. The baby girl is my grand daughter. She's famous!
But at the same time it makes me cry.
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/baby-multiple-health-conditions-infectious-laugh_uk_5992fdfae4b09071f69ca762?5di
Laurie
unfortunately no sound but what a cheery laugh , hopefully one day you will get to be grandma.
Quote from: davina61 on August 16, 2017, 03:02:08 PM
unfortunately no sound but what a cheery laugh , hopefully one day you will get to be grandma.
I had to turn on the sound in the video itself. Both children are my grand children Joshua in my youngest grand son and Evanna is the youngest grand daughter. There are 3 more not seen in the video.
Laurie
Re cramps: if you're drinking a lot more water, you may be diluting your electrolytes. Gatorade includes sugar :( but it's the general direction you want. Taking magnesium helps some. Or just increase your salt intake a little.
Sorry couldn't find the original post. I can't keep up!
Love Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Quote from: RandyL on August 16, 2017, 07:32:38 PM
Re cramps: if you're drinking a lot more water, you may be diluting your electrolytes. Gatorade includes sugar :( but it's the general direction you want. Taking magnesium helps some. Or just increase your salt intake a little.
Sorry couldn't find the original post. I can't keep up!
Love Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Thanks for the suggestion Randy. Maybe I'll give a one of those drinks a try I'm sure there are alternative to gatorade. Not a fan of it. But Propel taste okay.
How are you doing? Haven't been seeing much from you. I've been wondering.
Hugs,
Laurie
I have been seeing a gender therapist for about nine months. I really have not found it helpful or insightful. But I need her to verify my condition so I can get surgeries. So I keep going.
Quote from: GrayKat on August 16, 2017, 09:25:19 PM
I have been seeing a gender therapist for about nine months. I really have not found it helpful or insightful. But I need her to verify my condition so I can get surgeries. So I keep going.
Hi Graykat,
Off hand I'd say you need another therapist. There are good therapist and not so good ones. If yours is one of the latter you may need to find one that you can work with better.
It's either that or you've not been open and honest with them so that they know what it is you need help with.
Therapy takes two participants to be effective.
If you see your therapist only as a means to get your letters, that is all they will be able to be to you.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on August 16, 2017, 01:54:42 PM
I came across this while trying to sneak a peak into my daughter's and family's life. I makes me happy to see it.
It is a Huffpost U.K. article. The baby girl is my grand daughter. She's famous!
But at the same time it makes me cry.
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/baby-multiple-health-conditions-infectious-laugh_uk_5992fdfae4b09071f69ca762?5di
Laurie
Laurie, I'm so sorry about your granddaughters health. These conditions are personal to me. My wife and I had to make that choice no expectant parent wants on our first pregnancy. At 20 weeks our little boy was diagnosed with spinabifida and hydrocephalus. We had gone to a specialist in the city university hospital for a follow-up exam. The doctor was the only person to tell it to us straight. He would never walk or have bowl or bladder function. He would need cranial surgeries as soon as he was born. Since his head was already a month size too big, he would need a C-section and there would be brain damage. We had less than 2 weeks to figure out what to do and make arrangements. We had to drive to Kansas to a doctor who delivered still borns. You may judge us but untill you are in that situation you simply do not know the agony. Dr Tiller and his partners ran the clinic there. There were two sides of the clinic. One just for parents with late term with babies with medical problems. We spent every day for a week there with eight other couples. Group therapy with the doctor himself right there. He required the hospital records before he took late term patients. There needed to be a medical need. He was a good man, doing what few will do today. The week process involved a shot to stop our sons heart, and several days to induce labor. After he was delivered, the next day we had a private moment with our boy. I still cry every time I remember this. I held my son in my hands. He was s so tiny. So fragile. A week later we received a package with his ashes in it and a tiny blue blanket. These we still have tucked away.
Other parents there that week had babies with skeletal deformaties, organs formed outside the body, and down syndrome. Mostly rare and untreatable conditions though. A few years later a right wing nut job killed Dr Tiller just outside church on Sunday morning. Another anti-abortion doctor murder.
Quote from: josie76 on August 17, 2017, 05:11:52 AM
Laurie, I'm so sorry about your granddaughters health. These conditions are personal to me. My wife and I had to make that choice no expectant parent wants on our first pregnancy.
Josie,
My heart goes out to you. I have nothing but sympathy and respect for your decision. I'll not pass judgement on what was an agonizing ordeal for you and your wife. My condolences on your loss.
Obviously my son in law and my daughter made a different decision and my grand daughter underwent 3 different operations within her first 24 hours in this world. she's had to undergo several more since. While mom and dad spent most of their days with Evanna in the 5 week following her arrival at her side in Seattle, I held down the home front taking care of my 4 other grand children 60 miles to the south. It was a rough time for all involved.
Evanna requires special attention at home and all the family take an active part in her care. I won't go into the details except to say furniture, feeding and sleep are all affected and require special needs. She require a cpap machine at night to help her breathe when he brain and/or body forgets. Even with the machine, doctors tell my daughter some day she'll just not wake. All this is sad and very hard on their family as you can imagine. But mom and dad are committed to giving her as full a life as they can while she's still with them. One has to love them for that. Of course I have others reasons to love them all.
Though her story is sad, it is not why I cry. I cry because I am not a part of it any more. I haven't been since the day after I came out to my daughter and her husband. I have not seen any of my grand kids since as I do not feel welcome there now. I've removed them from social media not because they've done anything wrong there but to help me and I don't think sharing my current posts with them would help them or be welcome. I came across that story and post while sneaking a peek into their life. I should not have done it. Though a true joy to behold, watching it served to remind me of what I'm missing.
The cost of what we do to be ourselves can be great indeed. My coming out only widened a long time wound in my daughter's relationship. A wound I've tried to close over the years only to seeing it is still raw and now infected. It's not all her doing nor is it all mine. But it is there. The door is closed between us again if it was ever really opened.
I'm sorry Josie for straying off into my own troubles. I'm sorry you and your wife had to endure what you have and there is no doubt in my mind you live with your son's memory held lovingly in your heart.
Hugs for your wife and you, Josie.
Laurie
OMG...she's darling! If laughter truly is the best medicine, she'll be okay. What a little doll.
Quote from: Jessica Lynne on August 17, 2017, 12:36:47 PM
OMG...she's darling! If laughter truly is the best medicine, she'll be okay. What a little doll.
Thank you, Jess. Yes, Evanna is a doll and for the most part happy as can be.
Like the new avatar picture.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi folks,
I just received a PM from Maybebaby56. She wanted me to pass onto everyone that she is doing well after her GCS surgery with Dr. McGuinn, She just had her second follow up and got the green light to drive home to the DC area tomorrow. By the tone of her PM I deduce Terri is pleased with the results and very happy it is finally done. She said she is still working on believing she is now post op after waiting so long for it to happen. You sure can't blame the lady there.
Per her request I pass on to you, "please give my best wishes to everyone"
Anyway there is Terri's update for you all.
Hugs,
Laurie
(https://www.susans.org/forums/gallery/0/13844-080817062808.jpeg)
Quote from: Denni on August 16, 2017, 08:23:21 AM
Laurie,
What I have found will help you with your cramps is to increase your water intake. I also was seeing an increase in leg cramps and increased my water intake, to three bottles a day and they have decreased significantly and also in intensity. Try that and hopefully you will have the same results. Hugs
Denni
Denni and Laurie talking! Hmmmm! Not sure whom to warn about whom!
You could try having a bunch of surgeries and sit on the couch all summer like a lazy bum! No wait, that's my stic! At least my legs feel better. ;D
Moni
Pass on our good wishes and say well done. Laurie it gives us hope of one day being in the same position( no not the legs in stirrups , I know how your mind works!!!!!)
I feel like a dope, I responded to what was going on the page before (what happens when you are looking with one eye, I guess). I know seeing your granddaughter is bitter sweet. She is a cutey.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on August 17, 2017, 02:56:52 PM
I feel like a dope, I responded to what was going on the page before (what happens when you are looking with one eye, I guess). I know seeing your granddaughter is bitter sweet. She is a cutey.
Moni
You are a dope Mawnie but I'll still agree with you regarding my granddaughter being a cutie.
Laurie
Laurie, you don't need to apologise for your problems. This is your thread after all. I'm sorry you don't get to be part of your grandkids life right now. Perhaps that might change someday. I just felt like sharing the heartache your family must feel seeing that little baby going back again and again for surgeries still with the risk that life may stop for her everyday.
That's good news about Terri. Somewhere I missed that she had gotten GCS surgery this year.
Hi folks
I got to shave today. Lately I've been noticing I am disliking my body hair more. I had an electrolysis session this afternoon and as soon as I got back to my pickup I had my electric razor out and cut off the remaining 2 1/2 day's growth on my face. I think I have verified that my increased dosage of estradiol is working by the electrolysis hurting twice as much in spite of the use of numbing creams covered with plastic wrap, ibuprofen, abomination from caffeine, and increased water consumption.
Speaking of numbing creams I experimented a little by applying Aspercreme on on side of my face and EMLA cream on the other about an hour prior to my appointment. I had Christina work for a half an hour on the EMLA side then switch to the Aspercreme side. I think the EMLA side was a bit less painful than the Aspercreme side even though the Aspercreme side soaked for an extra half an hour. Both were painful at the beginnings and hurt quite a bit by the end of their half hour. I think I will swap the side for the next session to see if the EMLA cream still wins.
I have my next 3 one hour sessions schedule for next month. My phone rang 3 times with calls from the VA during my session (of course) and at least 2 of the calls were in regards to my voice training referral. I now need to call them back to schedule starting. What the 3rd call was about I do not know other than they wanted to schedule something also. I can only wait for them to try again.
I'm still waiting to get the results for my estradiol labs and see whether my doctor is going to increase it to the next amount which is the max he prefers to prescribe. I think I mentioned my Testosterone level came back down to .3 or 30 from 2.0 or 200 depending on the scale you prefer to use. My T started out at 3.8 or 380 then went to .7 or 70 before it jump back up to the 200 mentioned previously. So it is back down to where I like to see it.
be ba be bee beep That's all folks!
Hugs,
Laurie
Labs results:
TESTOSTERONE, TOTAL 0.3 Low ng/mL 2.8-8
Note that for women the reference range is: 0.1-0.8 ng/ml
ESTRADIOL 72.2 High pg/mL 7.6-42.6
FEMALE > 17YRS - SEE BELOW:
FOLLICULAR PHASE - 12.5 - 166.0 PG/ML
OVULATION PHASE - 85.8 - 498.0 PG/ML
LUTEAL PHASE - 43.8 - 211.0 PG/ML
POSTMENOPAUSAL - <6.0 - 54.7 PG/ML
PREGNANCY, 1ST TRIMESTER - 215.0 - >4300.0
CHOLESTEROL 112 mg/dL 1-240
GLUCOSE 141 High mg/dL 71-109
Good gawd, woman.....I'd kill for your cholesterol numbers!
I'm not sure what all the results mean, but I hope it's all looking good for you Laurie:)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Those look like pretty good results Laurie. Apparently you're not ovulating ;)
My wife and I had some discussions and saw a therapist. Partially as a result I'm more into playing the patience and waiting game, and see how I feel after some time. In conjunction I've backed off viewing Susan's nightly as I had been, and only spending an hour or two a week. I can cross dress, but she made it clear that I'm unattractive to her when doing that, so I'm picking my chances carefully. We shall see, but that explains my reduced presence here.
You have become a (more) mature presence around here with a lot of good advice for people. Keep it up!
Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Quote from: Jessica Lynne on August 19, 2017, 09:21:40 AM
Good gawd, woman.....I'd kill for your cholesterol numbers!
They were a surprise to me too, Jess. My doctor put me back on a cholesterol medication because mine had gotten back into the marginal range. I was on them before but was taken off due to some questionable liver labs. My reduction of carbs recently may have helped also. Whatever the cause my doctor is happy about the lower readings too.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Shy on August 19, 2017, 10:12:47 AM
I'm not sure what all the results mean, but I hope it's all looking good for you Laurie:)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hi Sadie,
The numbers are good from my point of view. My testosterone is down in the lower half or the female range and far below the male range. This is a good thing.
My estradiol I view as a good thing though it is less than half of what it was last time and this is after my doctor doubled my dose. Because of this my doctor may increase my estradiol dosage once again. He has told me he wants it to be above 200 pg/ml. My concern is that he may view this reading as invalid because it dropped so much after the increase in medication. I should know in a few days what he thinks. I have my fingers crossed.
Hugs,
Laurie
Well done you, that's good news
Quote from: RandyL on August 19, 2017, 02:19:59 PM
Those look like pretty good results Laurie. Apparently you're not ovulating ;)
My wife and I had some discussions and saw a therapist. Partially as a result I'm more into playing the patience and waiting game, and see how I feel after some time. In conjunction I've backed off viewing Susan's nightly as I had been, and only spending an hour or two a week. I can cross dress, but she made it clear that I'm unattractive to her when doing that, so I'm picking my chances carefully. We shall see, but that explains my reduced presence here.
You have become a (more) mature presence around here with a lot of good advice for people. Keep it up!
Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
LOL Randy I think it is safe to say I'm not ovulating. I've addressed the reading in my reply to Sadie so I won't repeat them here. I understand your reasons for the reduced presence here and will look forward to when you are online rather than miss you when you are not.
Thank you for the compliment too. I do feel I've undergone a bit of a transformation thanks to so many people from Susan's taking part in my life. You are the first to call me more mature though and I cnn't decide if you are commenting on my advanced age or my attitude. LOL Some younger folk wouldn't take either as a compliment, but I choose to do so.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: davina61 on August 19, 2017, 02:45:09 PM
Well done you, that's good news
You'll get no argument from me Davina. Thanks
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Laurie, Congratulations on the T level. Having T at that range will definitely allow the E to do it's thing. Did your doctor review the glucose level with you?
Quote from: Rachel on August 20, 2017, 06:30:28 PM
Hi Laurie, Congratulations on the T level. Having T at that range will definitely allow the E to do it's thing. Did your doctor review the glucose level with you?
Hi Rachel,
No he didn't Rachel, but then he didn't have to. The higher than normal reading is a bit higher than normal for me and is likely due to something I ate the night before. I've been diabetic for several years now and I am on Lantus, a long acting insulin. I give myself 12 unit shots twice a day. My doctor has ordered another a1c test in my labs for next November. A a1c test is a far better test for blood glucose level over time instead of the snapshot test used here.
Thank you for the concern though Rachel. I should have said something about it being a little high but not unusual. but I had my mine on my hormone levels.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie I just spotted your Moderator badge. Congratulations! Your epic journey has taken so many interesting turns.
Congratulations on the promotion, Laurie!
Laurie, you have taken so many both small and huge steps so quickly, I just have to applaud you for going where our Laurie has never gone before. Did you ever expect for any of us to speak of you as demonstrating a role model? Thank you for demonstrating such courage while living in the same fear that we have all known so well.
My only question is, now that you are wearing this new badge of authority, is it going to reign you in or give you more opportunities for hunting. It is called "Global", are you now going to try to bag a Liz for your trophy wall? What ever you do, stay away from Cindy, she could eat you for lunch without breaking a glisten.
Keep it going sister,
Anne
Thank you Kathy and Kendra.
Kendra - Yes it has I went to bed Sunday night just plain ol' me and woke up a moderator. What's a journey without a
couple of surprising turns?
Quote from: Anne Blake on August 22, 2017, 08:42:16 AM
Laurie, you have taken so many both small and huge steps so quickly, I just have to applaud you for going where our Laurie has never gone before. Did you ever expect for any of us to speak of you as demonstrating a role model? Thank you for demonstrating such courage while living in the same fear that we have all known so well.
My only question is, now that you are wearing this new badge of authority, is it going to reign you in or give you more opportunities for hunting. It is called "Global", are you now going to try to bag a Liz for your trophy wall? What ever you do, stay away from Cindy, she could eat you for lunch without breaking a glisten.
Keep it going sister,
Anne
Thank you,Tia,
Me a model? No I'm far too old for that. Ohhhh sorry , "role" model, No Anne I ddo not think of myself as a role model. Gheeze, it hard enough to think of myself as a mod and to be honest I resisted it when first approached. I was not coerced into the job. Far from it. I rejected the notion several times giving a myriad of excuses. I gave it a lot of thought and spoke with a number of folks about it before making a decision during facial torture. (No, not related) I had been telling my electrologist about being offered the job when she asked be point blank "Are you going to do it?" it was then I realized my excuses were just that, excuses and most of them lame excuses at that. I suddenly realized I'd made my decision and told her,"Yes"
I submitted my final resume and was allowed to stew on it a bit (after all I'd made them wait) until waking up yesterday to find out along with everyone else I had joined to team.
I hope I am up to the task. It is going to be a challenge.
Hugs,
Laurie
Ooooh look at miss fancy pants! Don't forget about us little people, girl! ;)
Quote from: p on August 22, 2017, 12:09:53 PM
Ooooh look at miss fancy pants! Don't forget about us little people, girl! ;)
Not a chance Patti. I'm sure you and many others here would never allow that.
Hugs,
Laurie
Will have to watch what I post now, does that mean only Moni is allowed to get rude replies?? ;)
Quote from: davina61 on August 22, 2017, 03:08:31 PM
Will have to watch what I post now, does that mean only Moni is allowed to get rude replies?? ;)
Hi Davina,
No Moonni, does not have exclusive rights to that. Though I do need to be a bit more careful in my own replies. It just wouldn't do for a moderator to get moderated. At least it wouldn't do for me. I like it here.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi folks,
Alright this nonsense has got to come to a stop! It's really getting out of hand! I've just finished my labs, CT scan, Oncology, and gender Therapy session on August 14th. Then the next day , the 15th, I had an appointment with my GP. To add insult to injury, on the 18th I had facial torture!
And now, as of today I have new appointment for xrays followed by an appointment with a podiatrist. the 29th is another therapy session. Next month 3 more 1 hour sessions of facial torture on the 18th, 2oth, and the 26th. The next day on the 27th is my initial voice training session!! If that's not enough my sister has her kidney freeze and biopsy in two days.
I tell you it just too much! too many obligation on on specific days and at specific times! Yes, they are "scheduled" With so many "appointments" it is making spontaneity and loosely controlled chaos a;most impossible.
My gosh these people are making me almost "plan" ahead. And we all know that is just not right! It's not how I do things! Nooooo, I can't do it! I cannot begin to understand how this could possibly have happened.
:'( :'( :'( :'(
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on August 22, 2017, 07:37:51 PM
My gosh these people are making me almost "plan" ahead. And we all know that is just not right! It's not how I do things!
Hugs,
Laurie
Sorry Laurie I am going to be rude and use foul language
PLANNING Sorry for being abusive but I can't help myself... I know, I know....but unfortunately you are going to have to do it to a certain extent...somehow I don't think any of the professionals will buy into your chaos theory...Sorry for my bad language but I feel someone should say it. ;)
You're cruel, Liz
:( :o :'( :'( :'(
Hugs anyway,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on August 22, 2017, 03:15:58 PM
Hi Davina,
No Moonni, does not have exclusive rights to that. Though I do need to be a bit more careful in my own replies. It just wouldn't do for a moderator to get moderated. At least it wouldn't do for me. I like it here.
Hugs,
Laurie
Oh, I like a challenge. (Sounds of chops licking in the background.)
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on August 22, 2017, 10:05:33 PM
Oh, I like a challenge. (Sounds of chops licking in the background.)
Moni
You'll lose Flamonie.
Laurie
Hi folks,
Today could be better. Last night I got a FB message from my niece in Pennsylvania. She was upset and needed to express her support of me. What upset her was a FB discussion that has been going on recently with my sister in Colorado, my daughter, a few other relatives, various friends. I have not seen any of it since I do not follow this sister and have removed my daughter and family from my friends list.
Anyway my niece brought to my attention that they were discussing transgender issues in general and myself in particular. It appears my sister and my daughter have disparaging views of transgender folk like us. Not only that but my daughter went on somewhat of a rant (my niece's words) specifically about me and was making accusations about me that I believe are undeserved. I confirmed this with my sister here and it sounds like it was more hurtful towards me than my niece was telling me (she did not go into detail)
As you can imagine hearing this has hurt.
I felt I needed to address some of this with my daughter and I have done so by way of composing an email to her. I tried not to express anger as I am not angry. Rather I am hurt and disappointed that she would say such things as she apparently has in such a public forum where many of our mutual friend and relatives can see it. I'm not too happy with my sister in Colorado either. I feel they engaged in and were doing a good job of character assassination though I know none of the details they actually expressed.
I do not know how my daughter will react to my letter and wait with trepidation to find out. I fear it may only have caused more of a rift between us in spite of trying to word my concerns carefully. I fear there may be no hope of reconciliation or even a desire for one on her part.
I want to cry. damn scratch the "want".
Sorry, I needed to share my feelings.
I am sorry that you have to go through this, Laurie. I can only imagine the pain you must feel when those who should be your strongest supporters are instead the most hurtful.
Hi Laurie,
I also want to express my sadness over you having to go through this. We all know how badly rejection and intentional maligning can hurt and how especially painful it can be from family. Not that it will ease the pain but this validates that blood alone does not make family and you know that your brothers and sisters here are there for you.
Please get hold of me if it will help.
Tia Anne
Oftentimes, things that fall apart fall together again. Not always, but sometimes. Give it some time, Hon. And count to 1000 slowly before you say or send anything. My thoughts are with you. There's no easy answer for this stuff. :'( Jess
What can I say just you have my support.
Oh no! I can only imagine the pain that this must be causing you. I am so sorry that your daughter and sister felt the need to disparage you in a public setting like that. They must have their own unresolved issues/feelings about themselves to want to do something like that to you. I hope that I and others here can help you heal from this. All my love, Laurie!!!
Big hugs,
Patti
Laurie,
I am sorry also. It is not only hurtful and uncalled for on their part but cowardly as well. What kind of stupid religious beliefs have people doing something like this? Shame on them! Sorry, but you don't deserve this crap. Love you Girl.
Moni
Thank you everyone.
Yes, it hurts and I cry some, but I think I'm ok. I don't need to go for a drive yet. lol
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on August 23, 2017, 05:51:41 PM
Thank you everyone.
Yes, it hurts and I cry some, but I think I'm ok. I don't need to go for a drive yet. lol
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie,
You can't pick your relatives. You
can pick your friends, and sometimes they can be better family than blood.
Even better is when people pick you and make you family, not because they're related to you, but just because they value the great person you are. That's what we've all done here for you.
I'm glad to hear you're going to be OK, but know that we all love you and will help you get through the rough spots, just as you help everyone else here.
Hugs,
Stephanie
Quote from: Steph2.0 on August 23, 2017, 06:39:48 PM
Even better is when people pick you and make you family, not because they're related to you, but just because they value the great person you are. That's what we've all done here for you.
I'm glad to hear you're going to be OK, but know that we all love you and will help you get through the rough spots,
Hugs,
Stephanie
Thanks Stephanie,
Those parts of what you said that I've highlighted is what keeps me coming here. Like everyone else here I have my ups and downs and can use the support we can get from the good people here like yourself and everyone else that steps up when needed.
Laurie
Seems like those closer to us can hurt us the most. I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope she has a change of heart.
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Quote from: Gertrude on August 23, 2017, 09:30:55 PM
Seems like those closer to us can hurt us the most. I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope she has a change of heart.
What you say is true Trudy, it did and does hurt. I would love to see us reconcile but I cannot hold my breath for it. I've told her my feelings and thoughts about what is going on in the email I sent this morning. It going far deeper than me being transgender and I was blindsided by what I heard she was saying. I do not see reconciliation happening to be honest. I will need to get used to it.
Thank you, Trudy.
And now for a bit of good news. I've been monitoring my medication ordering screen online and a new prescription for estradiol showed up today... My doctor has ordered an increase to what he considers his max dosage.
YAY! The pills are soon in the mail.
Hugs,
Laurie
I just wanted to add my support as well Laurie. Perhaps your email will bring her to see just a bit of another side to things.
Hugs
Quote from: josie76 on August 24, 2017, 06:26:04 AM
I just wanted to add my support as well Laurie. Perhaps your email will bring her to see just a bit of another side to things.
Hugs
Thank you Josie
Hug,
Laurie
Laurie,
The pain that we experience from loved ones can be very difficult to endure and understand. When it comes from them
we can only trust in ourselves and try and be the better person. From your history on here you have proven that you are the better person, with the help you have given others in this community. Take comfort in that knowledge and know that you have a family here also, and we are here for you, and support you. Big hugs.
Denni
Thank you, Denni,
Today is another day, and though my daughter is still on my mind I have other things to think about. I am sitting in a waiting room at a Kaiser hospital while they prep my sister for her procedure to get a biopsy and freeze a growth on her kidney in an attempt to kill it. We will be here for several hours.
Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk
On a happier note, I've been watching my med ordering screen si ce my labs came back. Last night a new order for estradiol came through. My doctor increased it again. I am now at what he considers a max dose. I'll give it until next appointment before asking about progesterone again.
Hugs,
Laurie
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Laurie,
Positive thoughts of love and healing coming your way this morning for you and your daughter. I'm enjoying following you on this discussion forum.
Tommie
Thank you Tommie. The support is welcomed.
I'm glad you like my thread..."All about Laurie " here is where I share myself with all of you. Good or not so good it all goes in here.
I do hope it keeps you and everyone else entertained.
Hugs,
Laurie
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I am sorry to hear about negative chatter on facespace or whatever that site is called - the pain caused by that can be very real especially when family members are involved. Some people end up on the wrong side of history whether the topic is gender, race or anything else that defines who we are. They may eventually realize their mistake and come around or they might not. The best we can do is be patient and understand people make mistakes, and that includes family members. I think you are handling this as well as possible.
As for your current visit with your sister, best wishes also. Glad you are there for her and with her.
So glad to hear that you've gotten some good news along with the bad--congrats on reaching the max for your Estradiol! I hope things go well for you & your sister today. Lots of love. :-* :-*
Hey Laurie,
Best of luck and my love to you and your (good) sister. You know where your support is available -- we are all here for you. As long as you don't moderate my posts lol.
Love Randy
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Thank you, Kendra and Patti.
My sister is done with the procedure and on bed rest for a couple more hours before I can take her home. It wasn't much fun for her and she looked like she's been hit by a car. I think she feels like it too. She is sporting several new bruises. (It's an age thing. I am even bruising more since starting hrt) I'm in hurry up and wait mode.
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Quote from: RandyL on August 24, 2017, 05:21:03 PM
Hey Laurie,
Best of luck and my love to you and your (good) sister. You know where your support is available -- we are all here for you. As long as you don't moderate my posts lol.
Love Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Thank you, Randy. I hope you all know I get ocular leakage reading all these lovely worfs of support. Dang hormones! I'm becoming such a girl.
Sorry Randy, no special treatment if you need moderating you'll be moderated
Hugs,
Laurie
Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk
Well we made it home about an hour ago after hitting Burger King for supper. Twas a long day.
Laurie
Hi folks,
I posted this on another thread but thought I would add it here too.
It must be emissary week. I also recommended Susan's Place to some one today. In my case I overheard a woman talking about her daughter's appendectomy with her boy friend. I joined in and ultimately hijacked the conversation by commenting on my own experience with the procedure. I had already broken the ice with her by sharing the electrical outlet allowing her to charge her phone.
What start out by talking about appendices flowed into cancer, diabetes, and into transgender where we spent most of our conversation. It turns out her other daughter is transgender too. I shared my experiences with her as she told me about her daughter's including a sad part where her daughter's progress was delayed and suppressed by a friend's recommendation of a therapist for her daughter. This so called therapist was trying to "Fix" this 11 or 12 year old girl instead of helping her. At 11 this girl told her mom that she no longer wanted to wear boys clothes and wanted to wear dresses. Being a supportive mom, she sought help for her daughter and took her to this so called therapist. Due to patient confidentiality and her daughter not telling her what was going on she did not know the harm being done. She did notice her daughters desire for girly things waning and her becoming more withdrawn. The story finally came out and there were changes made.
The conversation got around to internet research and support so naturally I asked if they knew about Susan's Place and recommended it for both her and her daughter. I told them about Susan's and wrote down the address and gave them my name and I also gave them my facebook address encouraging her to have he daughter look for me here and on facebook. So if you see a new member asking for me that is probably her or her daughter. Please make them feel welcome.
Unfortunately I did not get their names. I was happy to talk with this woman and offer help a bit of support. I do hope they come to visit. This was my first transgender connection in the public at large. It happened in a hospital waiting room and completely random. The poor boyfriend was suddenly neglected for more important conversation.
We are ambassadors to the world.
Hugs,
Laurie
Thanks for sharing this lovely story--I hope that this young lady will be able to find the support she needs here. Keep shining your light, Laurie! :-* :-*
Today I start taking what my doctor considers a max dose of Estradiol. I am a happier girl. Perhaps I can get him to prescribe progesterone next. I've been wanting to give it a try.
Hugs,
Laurie
Yay!
Keep taking the tablets
Quote from: Laurie on August 26, 2017, 10:06:47 AM
Today I start taking what my doctor considers a max dose of Estradiol. I am a happier girl. Perhaps I can get him to prescribe progesterone next. I've been wanting to give it a try.
Hugs,
Laurie
Congratulations Sweetie! You deserve to be happy. Glad ro see to see your health is allowing it. So cool.
I just realized I have been full time for two months now put that together with the increase in estradiol and today is a good day. ;D ;D
Full speed ahead choo choo! [emoji16]
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Thank you Ladies
Hugs,
Laurie
I just read the first post in this thread... Do you remember the butterflies you felt going to the therapist and how much energy we all waste of worrying about stuff?
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Quote from: Denise on August 26, 2017, 08:20:51 PM
I just read the first post in this thread... Do you remember the butterflies you felt going to the therapist and how much energy we all waste of worrying about stuff?
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Hi Denise,
Omg Yes Denise and that was the 3rd appointment I had been worried about. I shared all three with you ladies here remember? First was my GP and I had decided I had to tell him I had been taking my illegal HRT I had obtained. I didn't want to but I knew it was necessary because I take heart medications. I was so fearful about doing it, After all he was the first non forum person I had come out to. And then it turned out so well with him being understanding and professional about it. But not only that he was qualified to prescribe HRT meds himself and I quit being illegal and started doing things right.
Then there was my appointment with a psychologist or psychiatrist I don't know which. I had to has a mental assessment before I could be referred to the gender therapist in the beginning of this thread. I shared my fears here again and worried if I would be "trans enough" How many time have we helped others with that one since last January? But you ladies all helped me with that fear and nervousness, bolstering my courage to go to that one too.
And that brought me to this thread and the whole new cycle of nerves and fear to overcome.
All that follows from that point in my transition is in this thread. All the highs and the lows of my story with the notable exception of a little Road Trip (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,224341.new.html#new) that deserved a thread of it's very own. After closing the road Tip thread I returned back to this thread to continue with the "Life and Times of Laurie"
Yes Denise, I remember all the cases of nerves and fears that began my journey and all the ones that have occurred since. I could not have gotten to this point without all the support and help and friendship I've gotten from all of you here at Susan's Place.
Thank you everyone and thank you Denise for the trip down memory lane.
Hugs,
Laurie
Two months full time! One plus one is a nice pair.
Laurie you have climbed a mountain and you were not in your truck. You earned it.
Quote from: Kendra on August 26, 2017, 08:54:38 PM
Laurie you have climbed a mountain and you were not in your truck. You earned it.
Yes Kenundra, thank you too for being a part of my story.
Hugs,
Laurie
Today is a bad day. In fact it is more than a bad day, it stinks. It stinks worse than tripping and falling into a cesspool then getting sprayed by a skunk. If you cannot tell I upset and venting and I don't give a damn what anyone thinks about any damn thing at the moment. and I don't give a damn what anyone thinks about it either. I don't want you sympathy or your condemnation. It wouldn't make one damn bit of difference. I love you all and I hate you all. I'm hated by 2 of the three sisters I have left in this screwed up world. My daughter and her husband hate me and have denounced me hatefully on facebook for all my friends and my family and her friends can see. They of course have had an out pouring of support for the horrible childhood she has suffered at my hands then and since. The poor dear... I'm a racist, a cop hater, and a persecutor of Christians, Not to mention a deviate and pervert for transitioning, I'm An all round wonderfully %^&* dad and waste of flesh. My sister in Colorado is in full support of her "now that she knows the truth" heck maybe she's right. just wtf do i think I am doing?
I want to be alone, I said it before. I don't really like people. the more you have the worse they are. Individually they can hurt you. in groups they can crush you. i have people,hate crowds, hate towns and cities. I wish I was alone by myself somewhere physically far from anyone. sometimes I find myself wishing my sister wasn't dependent on my support so I could move. so i can find a shack or cottage in the woods. All i would need is some food, water, and an internet connection. yeah a freakin internet connection because I'm addicted to it. I can talk to people , I could choose who I want to talk to and get rid of the with ease if I want. I can rave and have opinions and piss jerks off and block them from my life with a button. I could stop my meds and live w/o and die in peace if my health fails and I would never again be hurt.
Today has been and is a bad day for me. I want no sympathy from you or anyone. I hurt. I want to drink and get drunk, I want to self medicate with drugs and not feel. I want a good large dose of LSD so I can forget. Forget my family. Forget my daughter. Forget you, forget me, my medications, my HRT, Forget my life. I could wander off away from everything and everyone and die and never feel hurt again. I want to be at peace.
Quote from: Laurie on August 28, 2017, 12:56:45 AM
Today has been and is a bad day for me. I want no sympathy from you or anyone. I hurt. I want to drink and get drunk, I want to self medicate with drugs and not feel. I want a good large dose of LSD so I can forget. Forget my family. Forget my daughter. Forget you, forget me, my medications, my HRT, Forget my life. I could wander off away from everything and everyone and die and never feel hurt again. I want to be at peace.
I sent you an email to your Jeanette address.... :) Take care
On the roller coaster of life you will feel that way!
Life is tough! Friends and family! Sometimes family are such a bitch! Your a great woman and have great potential! Find that happy place inside of you! You know! Put you arms way over your head, flick your fingers hard and say your not going to drag me down! I'm where I need to be!
You can't change them you can only show them you are a better person now than you have ever been! Kill them with kindness, soften there hearts over time!
Find that place in your heart and say I forgive dumbasses for not seeing me as a better woman now than the depressed person I was! You inspire me Laurie!
I'm proud of you! Suck it up cupcake! Things will work out!
Best wish dear!
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I am fine, i am just not in a good place to converse atm
sorry
That's fine Laurie! You deserve to take all the time you need!
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I am so glad to have found this forum because I am feeling exactly the same way this week, scared,
scared I wont be seen as a boy when I go out in public in my new clothes and hair. Scared when I go to my comic con
on the weekend that people will ask "Are you a boy or a girl?" Or get "M'aa.... sir" Or "Si.... Ma'm"
I am not on Testosterone yet so I want to try to pass as much as I can when I go out.
Anyway I hope the original poster feels better
Sorry the nasty stick has given you a few pokes [emoji853], here if you need us. X
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Ok, no sympathy. Lots of empathy instead. We'll be here when you need us.
Steph
ditto, hugs
Hi Lurie,
You are a very good, sensitive and caring person. People that we care about can hurt us very easily, less so for strangers or an acquaintance. When I get that way I just remember how sick I feel and puking and it is enough for me to think twice about self medicating. Hold on, if you can sleep and eat and exercise.
Best,
Rachel
Hi Folks.
And thank you for the thoughts and giving me some space. I thought I was doing pretty good today and putting my feelings away so I can get back to learning this moderator job. And I have been working on it and doing a little live work today. The job has some challenges but it is also interesting. It also keeps me occupied and out of my head. I was going to make this post earlier as I thought I was doing okay and under control again. But them my friends in Missouri and others noticed my absence on facebook and she was getting calls wanting to know where I was. Now Peggy is the one that sent me a file showing the FB thread which has now got me down, so she know what I'm dealing with so she called to see how I was. Doing so pretty much put me back where I was this morning.
Again I'm sort of okay provided I don't think or talk about it. I'll talk about it tomorrow when I see my therapist.
I'm functional, and can even talk with others again. LOL I've had to. I've got learning to do and have to ask for help from our more knowledgeable staff. I get rewarded pretty much whenever I start looking into something that needs attention and an action is required after asking about it. My reward? Well, they let me do the work. Today I've done two things I've not done before. I do what I think needs to be done then have someone check my work. It's been a LONG time since my school days, but they've made it clear the summer break is over. It takes me a long time and it's not pretty but I am learning.
Tomorrow should be business as usual. I hope.
Hugs,
Laurie
It is now tomorrow in your time zone (by a minute). Best wishes for your therapist visit today. Count your blessings Laurie, you have earned many.
Quote from: Kendra on August 29, 2017, 02:02:47 AM
It is now tomorrow in your time zone (by a minute). Best wishes for your therapist visit today. Count your blessings Laurie, you have earned many.
I still have almost 12 hours and my nails are still wet. Not sure what I'll wear yet.
Your therapist may be really cool but I suggest wear more than nail polish.
Quote from: Kendra on August 29, 2017, 10:20:41 AM
Your therapist may be really cool but I suggest wear more than nail polish.
Oh alright Kenundra. I'll wear some other things too. But what?? That's the hard part.
Got to get started cleaning myself up and putting my face on then trying on the 3 or 4 outfits until I give up and just got with what I have on.
Sigh :(
Laurie
I lived so many years convincing myself that outside appearance didn't matter, only how I felt inside. I still think how we feel is more important, but I now understand the outside can strengthen or weaken that core, we're all a work in progress!
The love and care you have shown so many here (including myself) demonstrate you have the heart and soul of a beautiful person. Draw strength from that. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Glad to hear you are back in the saddle, Laurie. Whatever you wear, I'd say skip the mascara in case of "ocular leakage" as you like to call it. Big hugs, hope you have a very therapeutic session today. :-*
Quote from: meganjames2 on August 29, 2017, 12:06:57 PM
I lived so many years convincing myself that outside appearance didn't matter, only how I felt inside. I still think how we feel is more important, but I now understand the outside can strengthen or weaken that core, we're all a work in progress!
The love and care you have shown so many here (including myself) demonstrate you have the heart and soul of a beautiful person. Draw strength from that. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Well, Thank you, Megan. Any more kind words and I'll have to redo my mascara and I don't have the time.
I'm off to get some therapy. I think I need some due to recent events. :(
Hugs ,
Laurie
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FABXSv1e.jpg&hash=c2b2285c9366f36b5500aecc7767d3aedf142c24)
:o pretty lady!
Gorgeous hun. X
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Girl you look great!!
That's my girl, looking super.
Well look at you all pretty as a picture. Hope things go well with your therapist. Jeez girl you lookin' good.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Beautiful!
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
You look beautiful.
Quote from: p on August 29, 2017, 12:32:36 PM
Glad to hear you are back in the saddle, Laurie. Whatever you wear, I'd say skip the mascara in case of "ocular leakage" as you like to call it. Big hugs, hope you have a very therapeutic session today. :-*
Hi Patti,
Now you tell me.. I didn't see your recommendation before leaving for my appointment. Yes, there was ocular leakage (for the record and full disclosure; I stole the term from Stephanie) Fortunately I brought tissues and I had used only a little mascara so the damage was kept to a minimum and no raccoon eyes resulted.
As for the session it helped some to talk, but I'm still hurt. Please bear with me as I attempt to put it aside.
I have lots of hugs puts aside also for my#1 Fan. lol
Hugs,
Laurie
Glad to hear therapy was somewhat helpful. I am always here to lend an ear. Hugs!
Awwwww :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
Thank you ladies. I don't get much opportunity to dress up and I wanted to today. While waiting to be summoned to the crying room. I was accosted by a gentleman there with a, " you have lovely hair" to which I responded with a thank you and a smile. When my therapist came to fetch me he told me I looked very pretty today. He lies and is paid to make me feel better so I thanked him and followed him to the crying room. lol
I related my recent difficulties and he did what he could to shore up my emotions. As I said in responding to Patti, I feel better though I still hurt. I no longer feel like disappearing. Rest assured I'll be okay and I'm working on it. Sometimes life just plain sucks. When it does and it gets really tough, I'm one of those that chooses flight over fight.
I still believe I could be happy as a reclusive hermit.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: p on August 29, 2017, 04:31:09 PM
Glad to hear therapy was somewhat helpful. I am always here to lend an ear. Hugs!
Thank you Patti but there are enough people that know the details and way too many that think they do and are wrong.
I'll be okay.
Laurie
As you say we don't know all the ins and outs , but I say ride it out as you never know what the future holds, more hugs XX btw nice new avatar
Thanks Davina,
Perhaps I should dress nicely more often but going to the grocery store dressed up would feel a bit much.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie
"Accosted by a Gentleman" sounds rather harsh, for a complement.
Don't know that the Therapist would lie just to make you feel better for pay, MAYBE you did look pretty.
We all white lie to others as it is not productive to just make others feel bad, we want others around us feel good. I don't handle complements well, but others tell me to just thank others, after all they could have said nothing.
There is a difference between being "dressed up" and "dress nicely". I try to always "dress nicely", but do save being "dressed up" for other times. I always dress in dresses, but big difference in everyday and for clubs and such.
Quote from: Shy on August 29, 2017, 03:55:52 PM
Well look at you all pretty as a picture. Hope things go well with your therapist. Jeez girl you lookin' good.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Thank you Sadie, I am happy to see you still hanging around occasionally. Kinda been missing you.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Georgette on August 30, 2017, 03:54:48 PM
Laurie
"Accosted by a Gentleman" sounds rather harsh, for a complement.
Don't know that the Therapist would lie just to make you feel better for pay, MAYBE you did look pretty.
We all white lie to others as it is not productive to just make others feel bad, we want others around us feel good. I don't handle complements well, but others tell me to just thank others, after all they could have said nothing.
There is a difference between being "dressed up" and "dress nicely". I try to always "dress nicely", but do save being "dressed up" for other times. I always dress in dresses, but big difference in everyday and for clubs and such.
Hi Georgette,
You are right Accosted would be a bit harsh had I not meant it as a tongue in cheek comment. Be assured I did thank both men for the compliments. Again it was my little attempt at humor.
For me that outfit was dressing up, though you are right a night out for a nice dinner or party would call for a bit more. As it was I did use a little more makeup, a bit more mascara. eyeliner, a bit heavier shadow though still not a lot, darker lipstick a black leather look skirt and low heeled pumps. It was definitely not an everyday look.
When I go to my Cinderella Ball to meet my prince Charming you can bet I'll be "Dressed up" lol
Good to hear from you again Georgette, (Hugs)
Laurie
My head and heart are not in today. Stuff keeps leaking out. I'm going to crawl back into my bed and hide.
You need a hug. Here's one. :)
Quote from: Laurie on August 31, 2017, 11:44:24 AM
My head and heart are not in today. Stuff keeps leaking out. I'm going to crawl back into my bed and hide.
Have a 'huggle' from me, hope you're in a better place soon. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
This might make you smile, my cousin messaged me saying she had see the perfect T shirt for me. It said The future is female. Might have to go shopping!!!
I think I can say my grandchildren, son in law, and daughter are well and truly lost to me. All I get from my daughter and her husband is public character assassination and vitriol. I am obviously no longer welcome among them and I see no hope whatsoever of reconciliation. Even if I were able to detransition it would do no good as the conflict has gone far beyond my being transgender. The damage in done and past repair.
As you can imagine I am upset by this and I think I shall be for some time. My feelings are to cut and run, isolating myself from the world. Would that I could, I'd be gone now. I wish I never married and had a family. Had I not I wouldn't be having to deal with it now. I can't cut and run so I will be here. I'm functional and will try to do my job but I cannot say that I am in a good place at the moment. It comes and goes. I will get past this. I'm sorry if I haven't seemed myself lately.
laurie
Oh Laurie, I'm so sorry your family can't accept you, have a huge hug from me.
Understandable why you've been struggling; it will take time to heal, but heal you can, and will.
Look after yourself, reflect, then move forward to better things and happier times. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
I am sorry Laurie. I know it is very difficult and it hurts.
At group last week 3 woman came out to their families. It was a very pain filled group last week; their pain rings home and opens old wounds. We are there to witness their pain and offer a hug and company. We all know what they are going through and the struggle. All while they struggle to be themselves and deal with their new trans-privilege. I am very sorry Laurie and wish I could be there with you to support you.
Best,
Rachel
Laurie darling its not been the same without you, hope you will be feeling yourself soon , VERY BIG HUGS from here. What can you say about family, feel for you.
Laurie, I can feel the pain in your words. I am so sorry that members of your family have let you down. That must be a terrible thing to bear. I can't make it better for you, but here's a hug anyway: ((())).
Quote from: Laurie on September 03, 2017, 02:42:51 PM
I think I can say my grandchildren, son in law, and daughter are well and truly lost to me. All I get from my daughter and her husband is public character assassination and vitriol. I am obviously no longer welcome among them and I see no hope whatsoever of reconciliation. Even if I were able to detransition it would do no good as the conflict has gone far beyond my being transgender. The damage in done and past repair.
As you can imagine I am upset by this and I think I shall be for some time. My feelings are to cut and run, isolating myself from the world. Would that I could, I'd be gone now. I wish I never married and had a family. Had I not I wouldn't be having to deal with it now. I can't cut and run so I will be here. I'm functional and will try to do my job but I cannot say that I am in a good place at the moment. It comes and goes. I will get past this. I'm sorry if I haven't seemed myself lately.
Laurie,
You are loved, girl! Give them time. They loved you before, and they will love you again. It's painful I know. I've felt it, too. Connect to infinite love that is there for you. Much, much love your way!
Tommie
laurie
Laurie, I'm so sad to read that this happened. We love and accept our children and those that they bind to their lives, and seeing that love and acceptance discarded, and a terrible cold response in exchange is a terrible thing.
This is nothing that you've done, simply a refusal by them to accept and honor your revealing your innermost self. Perhaps, in time, they may grow to understand and accept you, but there's no need for you to retreat from yourself to appease them, as I see so many try to do.
We all have regrets for the past, things we wish we had done differently, but the past is immutable, and worry about the past is a fruitless way to squander our energy. The best we can do is learn from it and find our path forward to future joy and peace.
Be well, Laurie. Know that others do care for you.
Laurie, I'm sorry that you are going though such a hard time. We all lose things transitioning, you're not alone. We will be here whenever you need to talk.
Sending hugs and positive vibes your way!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Hey Laurie,
Tough beans girlfriend! That rejection stuff is mean to da bone. I am here for you and not far away. Come on out and take a break from the heat while we walk the beaches.....you know the way to do a mini road trip
Love and hugs....
Why do I cry when i see someone else is happy? It isn't a new thing, I've done it for a long time now. But is it is occurring more often. I think I'm broke.
Quote from: Laurie on September 04, 2017, 10:43:13 PM
Why do I cry when i see someone else is happy? It isn't a new thing, I've done it for a long time now. But is it is occurring more often. I think I'm broke.
Laurie,
You are not broke. You are a special spirit. Much love and hugs your way!
Tommie
Thank You Tommie, and everyone else that try to make me feel better. But I really feel broken inside. There's something wrong. I'm happy for whoever it is I hear or read about, really I am but at the same time it hurts, I want to know why I can't have love and happiness too. Like I'm being punished or don't deserve it. All i have ever wanted in this world is gone. I've ruined it and chased it away. I'm broken, I cry, and sometimes it's hard to keep it bottled up inside. I think wtf am I doing and who do I think I'm kidding? This transition is going to end the same way. Some how I'll screw it up too.
Edit: I deleted this after I took a nap, then found out it took 7 other posts from this thread with it. So I retrieved them which of course brought this one back too. I left it alone for a while then decided to explain it a little.
The above is how I have been feeling lately. It comes and goes. The above was one of my lower times. Usually I feel about like I do at the moment. I still feel off and broken but I have it under control. I tried to delete it because I was embarrassed by it after my nap. After retrieving it I said to heck with it, let them see it, it is me and how I am feeling. So there it is. I'm also not thinking completely straight at times. I can't say I'm sleeping particularly well as my body is in control of that while my head is else where. I'm here at the computer until I'm beginning to doze at the keyboard then I take what is usually a nap. How long I sleep is up to my body but it is usually only a couple hours and then I'm up again. I try to keep busy to keep my own problem at bay. It doesn't always work because many times what I read can bring my problems back into focus.
I'm sorry folks. I really don't want to be sharing this with anyone else. I'd rather not think of it at all, I want to put my problems in a box and shove it in a dark corner and forget about it. I no longer drink or do drugs but both have been in my mind recently. I want to become numb, I want to forget. I almost want to go to sleep and not wake up. I can't do any of those, so I continue trying to put it away and carry on.
Quote from: Laurie on September 04, 2017, 11:04:04 PM
Thank You Tommie, and everyone else that try to make me feel better. But I really feel broken inside. There's something wrong. I'm happy for whoever it is I hear or read about, really I am but at the same time it hurts, I want to know why I can't have love and happiness too. Like I'm being punished or don't deserve it. All i have ever wanted in this world is gone. I've ruined it and chased it away. I'm broken, I cry, and sometimes it's hard to keep it bottled up inside. I think wtf am I doing and who do I think I'm kidding? This transition is going to end the same way. Some how I'll screw it up too.
Edit: I deleted this after I took a nap, then found out it took 7 other posts from this thread with it. So I retrieved them which of course brought this one back too. I left it alone for a while then decided to explain it a little.
The above is how I have been feeling lately. It comes and goes. The above was one of my lower times. Usually I feel about like I do at the moment. I still feel off and broken but I have it under control. I tried to delete it because I was embarrassed by it after my nap. After retrieving it I said to heck with it let them see it, it is me and how I am feeling. So there it is. I'm also not thinking completely straight at times. I can't say I'm sleeping particularly well as body body is in control of that while my head is else where. I'm here at the computer until I'm beginning to doze at the keyboard then I tap what is usually a nap. How long I sleep is up to my body but it usually only a couple hours and then I'm up again. I try to keep busy to keep my own problem at bay. I doesn't always work because many time what I read can bring my problems back into focus.
I'm sorry folks. I really don't want to be sharing this with anyone else. I'd rather not think of it at all, I want to put my problems in a box and shove it in a dark corner and forget about it. I no longer drink or do drugs but both have been in my mind recently. I want to become numb, I want to forget. I almost want to go to sleep and not wake up. I can't do any of those, so I continue trying to put it away and carry on.
Laurie, it seems you are feeling depressed and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Sharing it helps you cope and I think it also helps the rest of us going through something similar...it's good for us to be realistic and realize that transition isn't all smiles, perfection and rainbows. A lot of us are sad and down for different reasons and losing people in our lives is hard, transitioning is hard. My heart is with you and I'm hoping you feel better soon.
I completely understand the feeling of just wanting to sleep and not waking up. We all have bad days, we have to thrive and keep up going. We have to hope it'll get better and things will come around. Try to be positive, try to get out of your house a bit more and keep your mind occupied in different things. Eat chocolate, ice cream, sweets, or anything that can make you feel better. Drugs and alcohol are not a good choice because while they might bring a temporary relief and distraction, they make things worse afterwards, they make depression worse. You seem like a very kind and giving person, and all of us really like you here. Hope you get better soon.
Much love to you <3
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Laurie, I think almost everyone here has had times feeling like you are now. I know I certainly have. I also totally get the sleep deprived state of mind. For the last month I have been averaging 2-3 hours of sleep per day. It definately messes with your mind. Stack on that life issues and depression is an easy place to reach.
Charlie Nicki, I have been doing the eating thing myself lately. I'm not certain it will help as for me I see my weight goal moving farther and farther away. Heck I've gone up 15 lbs in the last 6 or so weeks. Getting out of the house whenever possible however sounds like a real good way to stretch the mind and improve ones mood.
Hang in the Laurie, we are all pulling for you.
Hugs
Quote from: Laurie on September 04, 2017, 11:04:04 PM
Thank You Tommie, and everyone else that try to make me feel better. But I really feel broken inside. There's something wrong. I'm happy for whoever it is I hear or read about, really I am but at the same time it hurts, I want to know why I can't have love and happiness too. Like I'm being punished or don't deserve it. All i have ever wanted in this world is gone. I've ruined it and chased it away. I'm broken, I cry, and sometimes it's hard to keep it bottled up inside. I think wtf am I doing and who do I think I'm kidding? This transition is going to end the same way. Some how I'll screw it up too.
Edit: I deleted this after I took a nap, then found out it took 7 other posts from this thread with it. So I retrieved them which of course brought this one back too. I left it alone for a while then decided to explain it a little.
The above is how I have been feeling lately. It comes and goes. The above was one of my lower times. Usually I feel about like I do at the moment. I still feel off and broken but I have it under control. I tried to delete it because I was embarrassed by it after my nap. After retrieving it I said to heck with it let them see it, it is me and how I am feeling. So there it is. I'm also not thinking completely straight at times. I can't say I'm sleeping particularly well as body body is in control of that while my head is else where. I'm here at the computer until I'm beginning to doze at the keyboard then I tap what is usually a nap. How long I sleep is up to my body but it usually only a couple hours and then I'm up again. I try to keep busy to keep my own problem at bay. I doesn't always work because many time what I read can bring my problems back into focus.
I'm sorry folks. I really don't want to be sharing this with anyone else. I'd rather not think of it at all, I want to put my problems in a box and shove it in a dark corner and forget about it. I no longer drink or do drugs but both have been in my mind recently. I want to become numb, I want to forget. I almost want to go to sleep and not wake up. I can't do any of those, so I continue trying to put it away and carry on.
Laurie,
You
are loved. Please don't despair. I've had people in my life be hateful to me, then over time come back and love me. I had to turn to prescription drugs years ago to control Bi-Polar II disorder and sleeplessness. It saved me. I see a gender therapist on a regular basis who is great. I'm not suggesting any of this is for you. Instead of sleeping to escape, I have a few little escape tricks I use that really help. I spend time outdoors in the sunlight whenever I can. Sometimes at night I lie on my back outside and marvel at the moon and the stars. Connecting with nature has a good vibe and refreshes. I have a bird bath and bird feeders all around my back deck, and it's a joy watching them be happy. Happiness is contagious. I go shopping. :) I write down my thoughts in a brief 'statement' whenever I feel myself getting down, which is often. Somehow this helps me. Here's one I wrote down two nights ago that I think reflects how you and a lot of us feel sometimes.
"I want to disappear from the world I'm living in and appear in a world where I have no history, where there are only the possibilities of living in the now."This is a link to an inspiring song on YouTube I listen to to start my day
every day - my life anthem. It's Jackson Browne's 'Alive in the World' www.youtube.com/watch?v=-P775crQIwo
Little things like this help keep my depression manageable. It seems to take an awful lot to keep us alive in the world. I shed tears for you. :'( Private message me any time you want to share with a friend in your darkest moments.
Much, much, much love your way!
Tommie
Tommie
Laurie, I think we all want love and happiness.
It would be easy for me to say that my moving into transition cost me that, as my marriage ended, my ex refuses to see or even be in the same zip code as me, I lost my home, and I lost our family friends. But, I have to stop and reflect on this.
If someone loves us, can that love really be conditional? Can real, honest love be linked to our physical appearance? Is true love conditional on the shape of a few ounces of tissue, or a particular style of clothing?
While we seek happiness, can we find a truly deep state of joy and peace while in the grasp of suicidal depression and paralyzing anxiety? Would our treatment and care for our dysphoria and the resulting health issues keep us from finding joy and peace, or enable it?
Can we really say that we have love and happiness while hiding ourselves from the world and living in misery so we don't make others uncomfortable. Do others love us when they cannot tolerate our true selves?
I lost my family, my home, our friends, just as my ex had told me would happen. But, you know, the darndest thing happened next.
Instead of being alone, miserable, trapped in hiding while I transitioned, I reached out a little bit. I tried just living, as myself. I made contact with others. (Sound familiar?) Piece by piece, I built new friendships, new connections.
Oh, it wasn't easy or fun. I had many bad days there at the start. Folks here and elsewhere helped me out. There were hours of therapy time, long discussions with folks who had gone down similar paths. But ultimately, I could see that what I had been thinking of as a loss of everything was more like molting, shedding an old skin that I was outgrowing. My old life didn't fit any more. My loved ones who rejected me loved that dead skin, not me.
They can have it. I don't need it any more. The authentic me has rebuilt her life, perhaps even found love.
Laurie, you have to ask yourself those same questions now. Is the love you had, the happiness you had with regard to those who reject you, really worth keeping now that you know how shallow it was? Aren't you capable of forming new friendships and social connections? Isn't there a chance that you might even find love, with someone who accepts and loves your authentic self?
The past is immutable, done. For better or worse, it is what it is, and we can't change it. Spending our energy fretting about what has been, about the 'what ifs' and the 'if only' is a futile exercise. We spin our wheels and get nowhere.
We have to look forward from wherever we are, find the best path from our current situation to find our way to happiness, joy and peace.
On a road trip through life, we don't make much progress staring in the rear view mirror and driving in reverse. Get that life in 'Drive', look at the road ahead, and look out for curves. And interesting truck stops, of course. They might have pie. Or happiness.
Laurie,
I'm so sorry that life's lows have been feeling lower for you lately. I remain ever your devoted, some may even say #1, fan, and you know how to reach me if you feel like a chat would cheer you up or help to distract you. Healing from these negative experiences will not be easy, but it's worth pursuing. You are an inspiration to so many here, for one. Sending you big, big, big hugs!! Love, Patti
Quote from: josie76 on September 05, 2017, 06:53:53 AM
Charlie Nicki, I have been doing the eating thing myself lately. I'm not certain it will help as for me I see my weight goal moving farther and farther away. Heck I've gone up 15 lbs in the last 6 or so weeks.
Yeah we shouldn't do it excessively, but having a treat every once in a while is good for the soul!
You're an awesome and sweet person, Laurie. From the ashes will arise new relationships. A new life in a new world. You will not screw it up. You didn't screw anything up previoisly. You are not broken. Those around you that can't accept your loving beautiful soul however, are. I feel so sorry for anyone that would discard their relationship with you. They obviously are people who know the cost of everything and the value of nothing. What an incredible loss in whatever tapestry they consider their existence to be. Be strong and be you. The new life you build with new people that respect and love you for who you are is your best plan. Hold your head high and never, ever apologize for who you are. Always take the high road and send birthday wishes and other holidays you respect to those people you are mourning the loss of. Always keep the door ajar. Always give these sad souls an opportunity to ponder their pettiness. In the end, if you always take the high road, you'll never be sorry and never have cause to apologize. Cry for Leonard and move on now. Laurie has places to go and things to do and can't be held back by small minds or petty tyrants. You deserve to be happy. It's your birthright. Seize it and prove to them what a mistake they've made. The little ones will grow and think for themselves and eventually come to you. Be a person they want to know. Be Laurie. She's awesome. Love trumps hate every time.
Michelle, wow. Incredible words. And so true.
Laurie - we care. We really do.
Today has been terrible. I slept most of it away in a series of naps, though I did come online to read my replies and cry a little again and check to see what trouble Kendra had gotten herself into. I got up and went to Costco in 95+ heat sweating under my wig. I spent $210+ on gas and a few other items we needed. I've still got a headache. And here come the worst part... I broke 2 nails and cracked a 3rd in the process. Okay I'm feeling better than yesterday. The world still sucks but I am not feeling as down for now. I suppose I should get back to work here at Susan's. After all isn't that what I signed up to be a mod for?
Those that tried to help thank you.
laurie
Laurie,
Allow me to take a different tack. First some background on me. I am estranged from my daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter. I have been for 15 years. The last I spoke with her was on her wedding day. I was present and even gave her away. It was only a "courtesy." She didn't even want us at the wedding. We knew something was wrong before the wedding day but we didn't know it was as bad at it really was. She has had a daughter and has not even let us know. To this day my heart aches for a parent-daughter relationship with her.
You see, it is not just that she has failed to love me (and my wife). The problem is that I love her and that love longs for a loving response. I will always love her. That ache will not go away. It has, however, receded into the back of my awareness for the most part. I no longer dwell on it. It does, on occasions such as now , come to the fore. I will again shed a tear or two and go on with living.
I don't know it my method for dealing with the lack of a loving response to my love will help you or not. I hope it does.
For some reason, beyond my ability to fathom, my daughter needed to cut me and my wife and her sister out of her life. Somehow that makes life better for her. How that can be, I don't understand. But, since I love her, I will suffer the pain of the loss of our relationship because she needs to distance herself from me. This is what I need to do to secure her happiness. My love is unconditional. If she at some future point in time wishes to reconnect, I will hug her to death. When I meet my Maker, though, He will have a lot of explaining to do cause this has been a heavy load to bear and impossible to understand.
I join you in your grief and weep with you. By all means grieve. Consider forgiving. Forgiveness is as much for you as them. Try to understand but realize you most likely will not be able to truly understand all they are thinking and what it is they need.
As time flows by, the pain will recede into the background and, eventually, go unnoticed on most days. The more you involve yourself with people and activities where you are wanted the more quickly that will happen. Your participation here at Susan's is a very good start on that and very much appreciated by myself and so many others. Thank you, Laurie!
Hugs to you,
Stephanie
PS. Your latest reply showed up while I was composing this one. I see you are trying to get back into the saddle.
Thank you Stephanie,
I was just finishing a longer reply to you but I got to the end, hit enter or something and it all disappeared. I guess it wasn't supposed to be. So I'll just say I'm sorry my post causes pain for you. I don't want my problems to hurt others.
Your response was thoughtful and appreciated. I don't know that I can do what you've done, at least not yet.
laurie
Laurie,
There is no reason for you to apologize to me. You did nothing wrong. It is the nature of our situation. We love our families. I, at least, refuse to allow my love for them to die to be replaced by hate. The alternative to wallowing is to not dwell on the situation and relegate it to the seldom accessed nether regions of my mind. Since it still resides within me, sometimes one of life's events brings it to the fore. That is not a bad thing. My own experiences are what makes it possible for me to be truly empathetic for the experiences of others.
It took a long time for me to come to these terms regarding my situation. It will likely take a long time for you to resolve your situation. I related my experience to you so you would have a template that you might choose to apply it to you own situation. It took a very long time for me to recover as much as I have. I hope I have helped in some way to shorten your recovery.
Love to you,
Stephanie
Laurie, you are greaving a loss. What you are experiencing is normal. We all grieve in our own way and go through the five stages of grief in our own time and way.
I share in family loss and know how you feel.
You have a lot to offer someone that will love you for who you are. You are not broken .
I needed help for about 1.5 years with medication. It helped me greatly when I needed it.
I still get triggered and am in a slow motion family train wreck. Sometimes it becomes easy to blaim ourselves for the faults of others. Make sure to only own what is yours. I know I was there for my wife and daughter and now they do not want me. It hurts. It can make me think I am broken. I am not broken; I am trans. My ex and daughter can not deal with that truth. We will be apart and that hurts but it is their choice.
I am sorry you are going through this.
Best,
Rachel
I hate crying. I'm still crying several times a day tears come unbidden and run down my cheeks.
Today was almost a good day working on your posts trying to be a moderator. It isn't always good doing this job. Imagine reading all the posts you can, regardless of topic, from friends or non-friends, good subjects and not so good. Not reading most for enjoyment but to check that everyone is following the site Terms of service and find the newcomer hiding among the threads so they can be properly greeted. Most of you do not know or even have a good idea what these moderators and admins do to keep this site running like it should. It takes a team working together to do this job that Kendra and I are just learning. I'm afraid we are likely causing more work for the other more experienced mods and Cindy because they have to help us so much and answer our questions but we try. I do not find enjoyment in having to make up a report on a a post that hasn't followed the guidelines. I don't care for having to editor delete your posts and having to PM someone explaining why I had to do what it did. I like it less when I have to do it to a friend and I have lots of them here. Some of them are closer to family. But I will and have. It is part of this job I asked to do. I do it because I want to be part of this team. though I don't like parts of this job there is a sense of satisfaction to it when I have gotten something right. And for the most part it keeps my mind off of other things. Things that hurt.
But then I read a post that brings back the tears. they run down the cheeks as I read. It can be a good post or a sad post. It doesn't matter. All that registers is that it's too close to my own problems. Suddenly I'm not even comprehending what I'm doing. Post after post go by. Did i read it? I'm not sure. Sometimes the post just sits there on the screen. I stare at it, nothing registers. Eventually I see it and move on to the next.
Today was better, Kendra and I talking back and forth, discussing different posts and threads, trying to help each other before reaching out for help, and then trying to understand why we are doing what we have to do that has been suggested. We really try to figure it out for ourselves so we can see if our ideas and reasons are correct when we do talk to our mentors. The others are as helpful as they can be to us, almost as though they really want us to succeed. lol Really, I am sure that they do. They need the help and they are actually nice people, though if you are on the receiving end of that work it doesn't feel that way. But folks, it's a job, for the most part a thankless job. be kind to your mods and admins.
My computer and phone beeps letting me know something wants attention. I look and it, a notification someone posted on my thread. I let it sit. I don't want to go there. Tears lurk there between the lines, i know there is more pain there. I go back to reading your posts. Dang this is an active site. too many people making too many post to keep up with. But I read them. I move them to the proper place, greet the new person but it's a cursory greeting. My head isn't into it. I can't give them a greeting with my personal touch. It bothers me but the thoughts and fun aren't there and now there too much to do. A few words and a stock greeting and I move to the next post.
Today is better. Post after post goes by, a comment here and a report there and it's onto the next. It starts with a yawn. Soon there's another and another. Why is this post taking me so long? Finish it and on to the next. What was I doing with this one? I've dozed off at the keyboard. A yawn and look at it again. Dang, I've done it again. It must be nap time. I lie down and time passes.
Today is better. Back at the keyboard bringing up my screens, filling them with the tools I need to do the job, no less than 8 screens for Susan's, plus email and facebook spread across 3 monitors. Maybe I'll add my TV.... I check FB and like a few make a comment or share something then kill that site. I don't have it up much these days. Check email and ignore most but see that I have a new post or two in my thread. sigh I guess I should read them. I bring my thread up and find an out pouring of support there, nothing but compassion and sympathy. Damn tears! Yes, just like I thought more damn tears. it hurts all this care being thrown at me. I don't deserve to be treated like this. I'm wretched. I don't respond. I can't. I am thankful to have these friends who care but their caring hurts and I cry. I'm sorry. I wipe my face and move on.
Today is a better day. I bring up an unread post and read it, tucking my thoughts away. This one is okay I move on to the next post. and the next, and the next...
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Today was a better day.
No tears okay maybe once but for only a short time. I think it was something I read. Something nice someone said. No pain. no squirrels running amuck in the brain. No blank stares.
Today was a better day.
Quote from: Laurie on September 05, 2017, 07:19:23 PM
Today has been terrible. I slept most of it away in a series of naps, though I did come online to read my replies and cry a little again and check to see what trouble Kendra had gotten herself into. I got up and went to Costco in 95+ heat sweating under my wig. I spent $210+ on gas and a few other items we needed. I've still got a headache. And here come the worst part... I broke 2 nails and cracked a 3rd in the process. Okay I'm feeling better than yesterday. The world still sucks but I am not feeling as down for now. I suppose I should get back to work here at Susan's. After all isn't that what I signed up to be a mod for?
Those that tried to help thank you.
laurie
OMG La-rue (back at cha)
I EVERY DAY crack at least one nail. I am so upset(that is not the right word, but i don't want you to delete my post for my true feelings) God, i hate it. I take 5 supplements to build my nails and nothing is working. So your experience say to me, avoid Costco at all costs.
$210??? What was that a buggy full of steaks?
Girl its all good. You are in a temporary bump. and, like kidney stones, this will pass.
If it helps you a bit I found a temporary relief from dysphoria. Spend 4 days worrying about yourself and several people in the path of this damn hurricane. Tends to focus on the bigger world. Oh, at the moment I am not under threat. Others are.
I'm glad the clouds are lifting for you, Laurie.
I'm also grateful that you shared your cloudy days. It helps some of us realize that we are not the only ones enduring temporary darkness.
Quote from: JulieOnHerWay on September 08, 2017, 12:20:08 AM
OMG La-rue (back at cha)
I EVERY DAY crack at least one nail. I am so upset(that is not the right word, but i don't want you to delete my post for my true feelings) God, i hate it. I take 5 supplements to build my nails and nothing is working. So your experience say to me, avoid Costco at all costs.
$210??? What was that a buggy full of steaks?
Girl its all good. You are in a temporary bump. and, like kidney stones, this will pass.
If it helps you a bit I found a temporary relief from dysphoria. Spend 4 days worrying about yourself and several people in the path of this damn hurricane. Tends to focus on the bigger world. Oh, at the moment I am not under threat. Others are.
Hi Julie,
That post was meant to be a little tongue in cheek though it is what happened. The day was better than the few preceding it and unfortunately I was to have a few more down days with an abundant amount of tears after it. But I was feeling a bit better so the humor bug was waiting to grab me and it did. As for the $210 about $50 was the gas, about the same on a package of sirloin steaks and a package of hamburger. The rest was misc nonsense.
I do not use any supplements for my nails as they are pretty strong as is but they are at that length (almost a 1/4 " past the bed) that they are prone to breakage like when something you pickup slips through your grasp and hits the nail bending it or running your nail into something. It's inevitable you'll break them.
I think I'm getting past this down period and this last bit was pretty low. The long post was more a musing on how my day went. I was just kind of "not here" and going through the motions.
Thank you for the response Julia.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Dan on September 08, 2017, 07:24:56 AM
I'm glad the clouds are lifting for you, Laurie.
I'm also grateful that you shared your cloudy days. It helps some of us realize that we are not the only ones enduring temporary darkness.
Hi Dan, and a thank you to you also. My thread is me. I try to be here and honest in it or as honest as I can be. If I'm posting here it is a good thing whether it's an up day or a down one. At least I am trying to connect with someone somehow. It could also be me trying to connect with myself or reaching out for that helping hand. But it is a connection.
If I am not posting I see it as one of two possibilities. The most common one is that I do not really have anything to share. The other isn't so good. It could be that I am isolating. Isolating is what I do when I am mad or hurting. I did a bit of it this time but I was still online and trying to avoid my problems by working at this moderator thing. I was only partially successful at it and I fear not very productive. Fortunately there is someone here at Susan's that leaves me alone for a bit then engages me in conversation asking the most annoying questions and makes me thing my issues over. She I think is why I began to feel a bit better and start climbing up out of my dark hole. It's been a long climb.
Today is a better day. Better than yesterday. My problem is still there but set aside for a bit. I'm sure I'll be revisiting it again but not today. Today it is overcast outside but I can see the sunshine peeking out within me again.
Today is a better day.
Thanks Dan.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Laurie
Glad to here you're doing a bit better :). Seems like you've had quite a torrid time of it.
Does your new forum job mean I can't mention the "M" word any more? You know the one, I'm sure you remember it ;D
Sorry I haven't been around much, I don't like to here of you hurting, so a big hug from across the pond to make up for it.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on September 08, 2017, 05:58:20 PM
Hi Laurie
Glad to here you're doing a bit better :). Seems like you've had quite a torrid time of it.
Does your new forum job mean I can't mention the "M" word any more? You know the one, I'm sure you remember it ;D
Sorry I haven't been around much, I don't like to here of you hurting, so a big hug from across the pond to make up for it.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hi Sadie,
I hope you know I miss you when you aren't around. Glad to see you around.
As for that word goes you are welcome to use any word you want as long as it meets the TOS. LOL Besides I think I am immune to it now. Too much exposure to the real world as myself.
Yeah, I've been having my ups and downs recently and I can tell you it sucks. Sadly I am sure there are more to come.
Hope to see you around more.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie,
You are loved. Hang on to that thought. Don't ever forget that.
Tommie
Thank you yet again Tommie.
Yesterday was a better day, in fact it was a pretty good day.
I got a call yesterday evening from a nephew we seldom hear from let alone see. He ask ed what's been happening and I answered hesitantly that I was trying to become his aunt. I explained things to him and one of his comments was that now some things about me made sense. He said I have always appeared as a masculine man but that there was something wrong. I always came across as angry and was never very open when talking to him. He said that this conversation with him was the most open and animated I have ever been when talking with him. He seemed happy for me and very accepting. He said he was proud that I was doing what I need to do to be happy.. Yes, there was ocular leakage. I'm going to be dehydrated from all the tears I've been crying these last couple of weeks.
Yes, Yesterday was a pretty good day.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie, Happy Birthday from your twin sister! (Yes we have the same birthday).
Quote from: Kendra on September 09, 2017, 10:30:11 AM
Laurie, Happy Birthday from your twin sister! (Yes we have the same birthday).
Thank You little sister. Isn't it strange how we have the same day for our birthday. Just think how much money and time Mom saved over the years recycling presents and parties between us. How she managed to keep it secret from us I'll never know.
I hope you have a wonderful
HAPPY Birthday too Kendra.
Hugs,
Laurie
A knock at the door..
My sister, Karen answers it.
man: You must be Laurie
sister: No I'm not Laurie
man: Is Laurie here?
sister: Yes.....
Door closes
sister: Laurie?..... Present!
me: Turning to see my sister bringing something large into my bedroom.
She hands it to me. There's a card...
It reads: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
From your family at Susan's
me: tears and a Thank you
I've never received flowers for my birthday before.
THANK YOU!
Today is looking like it's going to be a good day, a very good day.
Hugs,
Laurie
(https://i.imgur.com/WF9YguN.jpg)
Awww! That's so sweet. Laurie, I think that you just might have a fan club. ;)
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
happy birthday dear Laurie
Happy birthday to you ;D
Have a wonderful day,
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Michelle_P on September 09, 2017, 02:02:38 PM
Awww! That's so sweet. Laurie, I think that you just might have a fan club. ;)
Yes, it was Michelle. I have no idea who is responsible for them but I really do appreciate it. They touched me when I needed it and Hopefully I'm done with feel bad for awhile. And they smell good too. Purple is my favorite color for roses too. All the flowers are so pretty. :) :)
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Shy on September 09, 2017, 02:07:13 PM
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
happy birthday dear Laurie
Happy birthday to you ;D
Have a wonderful day,
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
:) :) :) ;D ;D ;D :) :) :)
Thank you Sadie. :-*
I do hope everything is going well with you.
Hugs,
Laurie
Happy birthday!
Hugs, Devlyn
Yay! Happy Birthday, Laurie, from another member of your fan club.
[emoji512][emoji253][emoji1352][emoji253][emoji512] <- Smiling Laurie, surrounded by cake and flowers.
Steph
- Stephanie [emoji68]🏼[emoji538]
A VERY Happy Birthday, I think I will make you a cake(any excuse) :icon_birthday: Now how many candles or is that a fire hazard?????
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :icon_wave:
Thank you ladies.. You too goffy Stephanie. you too. You're one of them.
Hugs,
Laurie
Happy birthday, Laurie!
Quote from: Laurie on September 09, 2017, 03:03:08 PM
You too goffy Stephanie. you too. You're one of them.
Well, never been called a "goff" before. Don't know if I should be complimented or offended. I guess I'll be complifended.
But the important thing is: Birthday Flowers! Woo!
Steph
A very happy birthday. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Laurie, Happy Birthday! :icon_birthday: :icon_bunch:
Thank You Megan and Randy
Happy Birthday Laurie.
(https://i.imgur.com/1xpqL7u.jpg)
Thank you Jane. When are we going to do lunch again?
Hugs,
Laurie
OMG Mon...opps La La
HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I am a bit late but the flowers are so nice I could not resist.
Someone at Susan's value you and a bunch of others here hanging around do too.
Hope your annual day of personal celebration was wonderful.
Hey Hi Julie,
My day has been pretty good. Made better by the good wishes of my friends here at Susan's and on face book though there are far less on the latter.
Thank you for your birthday wishes also Julie.
Hugs,
Laurie
So thought you could sneak this past me >:( ....talking to me today on Skype without mentioning your birthday..... >:(
:icon_birthday: :icon_birthday:
So you better have had a good one!!!!
Happy birthday Laurie :D
Belated birthday wishes to you Laurie and Kendra! Awesome coincidence. :D
Happy belated birthday Laurie and Kendra!! :icon_birthday::icon_bunch:
I'll have a cupcake in your honor. Not that I need an excuse to eat cupcakes.... >:-)
Thank you Sarah
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Folks,
Just thought I'd let you know the better days continue.
Tomorrow is another therapy day. I think I need to revisit my troubles of the past few weeks. I say revisit because it was the main subject of my last visit. I had felt better better before my last visit and thought I hand a handle on it only to leave his office and fall right back down even deeper a day or so after. After all it will be an "after the fact" visit as I'm feeling pretty good again. I'll have to work harder at scheduling my sessions for the middle of my problems when I feel my lowest. It's a good thing I have all of you to help lift me up when I feel bad. Thank you all.
Now what am I going to wear that will make me look and feel good for the appointment? He isn't a bad looking man after all... too bad he likes other guys. A girl can daydream can't she? :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
Hugs,
Laurie
Whoops! Sorry I missed that. Happy belated Birthday, Sweetie. Hope it was the best!
Quote from: Jessica Lynne on September 11, 2017, 01:05:22 AM
Whoops! Sorry I missed that. Happy belated Birthday, Sweetie. Hope it was the best!
It was a good day Jess. Some kind soul made my day with flowers.
Belated is better than never Jess, Thank you. ((HUGS))
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on September 10, 2017, 11:08:36 PM
Now what am I going to wear that will make me look and feel good for the appointment? He isn't a bad looking man after all... too bad he likes other guys. A girl can daydream can't she? :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
Hugs,
Laurie
Do what I do, girl. Go shopping! :icon_joy:
Quote from: Tommie_9 on September 11, 2017, 07:15:01 AM
Do what I do, girl. Go shopping! :icon_joy:
LOL I could have yesterday, Tommie, but there's not enough time for it today. Some day I'm going to go shopping with someone so it will be more fun.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on September 10, 2017, 12:04:36 AM
When are we going to do lunch again?
We'll have to me somewhere in the middle. Do you know any trendy restaurants in Arco, Idaho?
:)
Arco Idaho is near Craters of the Moon National Monument. Reminds me of my first couple weeks of electrolysis - worth every minute but the first few times were rough. ;)
Quote from: Janes Groove on September 11, 2017, 11:16:35 AM
We'll have to me somewhere in the middle. Do you know any trendy restaurants in Arco, Idaho?
:)
No but I've been there a couple of times and there aint nuttin around for MILES. I have friends In Preston,Id but there isn't anything there either. Come to think of it, there isn't much between Boise,Id and Ogden/Salt Lake,Ut.
Laurie!!! So sorry I missed your bday. Please accept my belated happy birthday wishes!!!! Unfortunately I have been preoccupied with a family member in the hospital. Sending lots of love & huge hugs to you. So glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better. :-* :-* :-*
Quote from: p on September 11, 2017, 12:28:40 PM
Laurie!!! So sorry I missed your bday. Please accept my belated happy birthday wishes!!!! Unfortunately I have been preoccupied with a family member in the hospital. Sending lots of love & huge hugs to you. So glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better. :-* :-* :-*
Hi Patti,
Thank you and I do understand, After all family should come first. I hope it isn't something too serious and that the prognosis is good.
Yep, I'm feeling better just in time for my therapy session where I'll dredge it all up again. I hope I get thru it better than last time but I have more tissues in case the dam springs a leak. Also this time I'm bringing some of my posts along so he can see where I was at. Let's hope he doesn't feel the need to lock me up.. lol
I hope your family member get well soon.
Hugs.
Laurie
Your birthday cake tastes good, sultana cake!!!! What ever you wear I am sure you will look stunning , nice sparkling earrings.
Well I suppose I better go to my GT session.
See you all after
Hugs,
Laurie
In the automotive field GT stands for Gran Tourismo or Grand Tour - done with great style.
Laurie you certainly have done that, coast to coast and back. Have a great GT visit.
Quote from: Kendra on September 11, 2017, 03:40:44 PM
In the automotive field GT stands for Gran Tourismo or Grand Tour - done with great style.
Laurie you certainly have done that, coast to coast and back. Have a great GT visit.
Ahhh Yes, the GT I remember was America's first muscle car and was built in 1964 Oh!, didn't I tell you what it was? It was the gran turismo omologato It was Created By DeLorean. He took a Pontiac Tempest LeMans and dropped a 389ci V8 Bonneville engine into it. Behold the Pontiac GTO was born. That era had many sure great muscle cars. One of them was the Ford Mustang pony car, it was the ONLY Ford I have ever wanted to own.
The early Pontiac GTO was a great car. The first car named GTO was a couple years before that by a company in Italy, the founder's first name was Enzo.
We girls can be gearheads too. Davina has proven that.
Have a great Gender Therapist Omologato visit tomorrow!
Someone got confuse with all the car talk (like that talk show btw) My appointment was well yesterday now.
next one is about 2 weeks from now.
Hugs,
Laurie
A '57 Chevy was the one I really wanted. I had a friend in high school who had one. It was the first engine I overhauled. I had an after market oil filter on it consisting on a circular can with a pipe/ bolt running though it and had holes in the pipe inside the can where the oil went through. In a pinch a roll of toilet paper could be used for the element.. We didn't get it tight and about half the oil wound up on the floor the first time we started it up after the overhaul.
My favorite car is a 1970 442 W-30. Can't touch them now without a mortgage payment. When I was in HS, a friend's older brother was selling one for $1500. I could afford that now, but not then. I've r&r'd about everything one can on a car. It's just a bit harder to get under a car than it used to, as well as being bent over the engine. Hopefully losing weight will help. In some ways it already has.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
Hi Folks,
Yesterday was a good day though I did fall asleep at the keyboard in the afternoon. It happened without warning. No yawn, droopy eyelids, nothing I was just sitting here and woke up about 15 minutes or so later. It was a bit weird as I've never done it like that. Not even many years ago when I was dead tired after having stayed up for days with drugs and alcohol. Even then like I said I was virtually sleep walking anyway. This was nothing like that. One minute I was okay and the next I was waking up. Last night was a good night. I went to bed just before midnight and slept through to past 6:30 this morning. I woke feeling good and well rested for once. For the last couple weeks I had been up most of the night here online, going to bed anywhere between 3 and 4:30 in the morning and getting up a bit after 7 after broken fitful sleeps. Then sometime in the early taking an hour or two nap, sometimes two of them in a day.
Last night was a nice change. Today has also been a good day. I can't say it was really different from my usual days but for some reason it was a good day. I didn't even feel the need for a nap.
Hugs,
Laurie
I'm glad you got a good night's sleep! Makes a huge difference.
We've found that the blue light of monitors is disruptive after about 8pm, and put on software that changes the color palette automagically for you. We use f.lux but there are many choices.
Also avoid exciting or upsetting topics for a couple hours before bed. Maybe Moni has to get quarantined lol.
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Get a Monitor!
Quote from: RandyL on September 13, 2017, 11:26:31 PM
I'm glad you got a good night's sleep! Makes a huge difference.
We've found that the blue light of monitors is disruptive after about 8pm, and put on software that changes the color palette automagically for you. We use f.lux but there are many choices.
Also avoid exciting or upsetting topics for a couple hours before bed. Maybe Moni has to get quarantined lol.
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Hi Randy,
Hope you two are doing good. I'm going to have to think about dropping in for another of your meatless meals to get that picture of us we missed..
Thanks for the suggestions but those wouldn't have helped. I had a but of a rough spot recently but I seem to be out of it at least for awhile.
Hugs,
Laurie
Morning folks,
I guess one good night's sleep was all I needed. Last night was pretty much the opposite. I went to bed just after midnight and woke up from a fitful sleep by a nightmare ( some hateful was person stalking me and attempting to kill me ) before 3:30, heart racing, nose stuffed and dry mouth from breathing through it. Got a drink of room temp water (yuck) and after a potty break tried to go back to sleep. I maybe got 15-20 minutes and was awake again. It's now after 4 and no sleep in sight I turned on the TV and watched it until almost 5. Turned it off and went to sleep again only to wake a bout 6:30 again. (this my friends is pretty much a normal night for me) I saw my sister was up so I got up again dressed and went to get coffee. ARRRG there's none to be had. The coffee is all ready to go but not brewing. Yep, it's broke heating element isn't heating. So I had to get my hair on and go out to my pickup to get my single cup coffee maker and make a cup for my sister and then one for myself. I guess I'm going shopping for a coffee maker today. sigh. Now it 8:30 and I haven't sorted my daily pills yet. taken my blood sugar, blood pressure readings or my insulin shot. Nor have I started my break...errr brunch yet. But I have had coffee! :-)
Well I guess I better get to getting.
The day should begin to improve.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hello Laurie and all,
Have been reading all of the good times.
Laurie I'm sure you will weather all these problems.
I have been my wild and late nights same. Some nights just 3-4 hrs sleep. At my age figure I can catch up when I'm dead, Or can't physically do it anymore.
Celebrated my 40 year anniversary of my SRS last night with a few friends, Actually we were out in town for the local clubs Drag Bingo 10th anniversary. Nothing much, just another footnote in my life.
Went to my first Therapy session. Never put much stock in the Psychotherapy game, But it seems all the rage among friends. Thought I would get some new thoughts on my sex/intimacy/relationship and general moody problems.
Hi Georgette,
40 years, WoW such a long time. Congratulations and have a drink for me. How you keep up week after week is almost amazing. May you go many, many more years in this same vein. I can't picture you not doing it.
Yes I know about the short nights and fitful sleep. That is what I meant by last night's sleep being pretty much normal. I am used to my sleep being a series of naps but I usually get more hours over all. But it is sure nice when I do get a good night's sleep. What's not usual is when I'm feeling so low I don't want sleep or if I try the squirrels are running loose in my head and won't let me. That happens more than I'd like. Hopefully I've put this last one aside now. I haven't feel this hurt since I got divorced, lost my long time job, and had my dad die all within 6 months. That took me over 2 years to recover from. Hopefully losing my daughter and grand kids isn't going to take be there or last as long. Note that I said put it aside instead of being over it. I'm not, I'm sure I'll need to revisit it yet again. But for now I am okay and in much better spirits.
Anyway Lady You just go have your celebration and party hearty lady!
Hugs,
Laurie
Well young Lauriedoodles you realise you should be counting sheep not squirrels before sleepy bye's ;) And watch out for the caffeine monster before snuggling down.
Glad to here you're feeling a little better about things and no late night interwebs keeping us girls in check. Speaking of late nights it's nearly midnight here so I'll wish you good night. Have a lovely day :)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Quote from: Shy on September 14, 2017, 05:59:48 PM
Well young Lauriedoodles you realise you should be counting sheep not squirrels before sleepy bye's ;) And watch out for the caffeine monster before snuggling down.
Glad to here you're feeling a little better about things and no late night interwebs keeping us girls in check. Speaking of late nights it's nearly midnight here so I'll wish you good night. Have a lovely day :)
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Thanks Sadie,
Coffee is a morning item for me not an evening indulgence. I don't care for lamb so I'm not about to start counting them. the squirrels i suspect were a plant by That Woman to torment me and it works. (She'll get hers one of these days)
Sweet dreams Sadie.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on September 14, 2017, 07:54:33 PM
Thanks Sadie,
Coffee is a morning item for me not an evening indulgence. I don't care for lamb so I'm not about to start counting them. the squirrels i suspect were a plant by That Woman to torment me and it works. (She'll get hers one of these days)
Sweet dreams Sadie.
Hugs,
Laurie
Oh boy, I'm getting a delivery of squirrels? Luarie, the secret is you must take your squirrels to yoga class, it really calms them. So, how many do I get? Harvey will be so pleased. Could I get the flying kind?
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on September 16, 2017, 01:44:14 PM
Oh boy, I'm getting a delivery of squirrels? Luarie, the secret is you must take your squirrels to yoga class, it really calms them. So, how many do I get? Harvey will be so pleased. Could I get the flying kind?
Moni
Actually Mwwwaaney, It's just one. and It is the flying kind I believe his name is Rocket J and is supposed to come with a whole menagerie of friends I hear his sidekick is a moose and goes everywhere he does. Harvey will have lots of new friends. I'm sure they will give you hour and hours of fune in the stark white padded room you are currently staying in. (or does it just feel like your are?)
Enjoy your new friends, hun.
Hugs,
Laurie
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Rocky_the_flying_squirrel.jpg
Quote from: Laurie on September 14, 2017, 05:01:41 PM
40 years, WoW such a long time. Congratulations and have a drink for me. How you keep up week after week is almost amazing. May you go many, many more years in this same vein. I can't picture you not doing it.
Yes I know about the short nights and fitful sleep. That is what I meant by last night's sleep being pretty much normal. I am used to my sleep being a series of naps but I usually get more hours over all.
Anyway Lady You just go have your celebration and party hearty lady
Thank You Laurie,
At times 40 years seem like where did all the time go, Other times it seems like such a Loooong time, I tell people when you re-count your life in Decades it seems weird.
I spent so many of those years just living a boring but normal life just blending in at work and with family and my partner. After she died and being retired is when I re-evaluated my life, I am now having all my fun again, In my 20s-30s I was pretty much a girly girl, So I am doing that again, I have so many friends in the local LGBT community.
I can usually get 3-4 hours of straight sleep, Get up to Go, And than back to bed and nap on/off.
My problem is trying to turn my brain off.
Hugs
Georgette
Quote from: Georgette on September 17, 2017, 03:30:25 PM
Thank You Laurie,
At times 40 years seem like where did all the time go, Other times it seems like such a Loooong time, I tell people when you re-count your life in Decades it seems weird.
I spent so many of those years just living a boring but normal life just blending in at work and with family and my partner. After she died and being retired is when I re-evaluated my life, I am now having all my fun again, In my 20s-30s I was pretty much a girly girl, So I am doing that again, I have so many friends in the local LGBT community.
I can usually get 3-4 hours of straight sleep, Get up to Go, And than back to bed and nap on/off.
My problem is trying to turn my brain off.
Hugs
Georgette
Hi Georgette,
Oh yes, I do know that weirdness of looking back over decades of living. When I was a kid I swore I wouldn't live past 35. 35 was so old from that point of view and now in a few more year, should I live that long it will only be half a lifetime. My regrets is having had to live it thinking and feeling I was something perverted and wrong because of my secret life. Later as I grew up, I became angry, insecure, out of place socially and still wrong. I never equated my anger and insecurities to gender issues. It colored my life in ways I didn't understand and led me into trying to escape my problems through drugs and alcohol. I'm sure it affects me still today. I am still largely an loner and an introvert though you can't tell it by my online presence. I am still mostly antisocial though that may be my fear of letting others be a part of my life as I wanted no one to get too close to me. I still have few real life friends because having friends hurt because I do not know how to handle compassion, caring, and love from others and I fail at keeping them out when I am hurting.. Yeah I guess I'm still broke as just talking about this is making me cry. With these dang hormones it is getting harder to keep these thoughts put away. That's another thing I do, put the things that hurt away where they can ignore them. But they are like damn ants, they keep coming back through another crack. I feel like I am running out of putty and bug spray. See what I mean? How did I get here by responding to you Georgette? Hell if I know but here I am again. Sorry. Time to grab the putty and bug spray again.
Laurie
Hey Laurie,
You can rant and rage and be down on yourself all you want, just remember that I love you girl!
Tia Anne
Quote from: Anne Blake on September 17, 2017, 04:43:48 PM
Hey Laurie,
You can rant and rage and be down on yourself all you want, just remember that I love you girl!
Tia Anne
Thanks Tia, I really don't know where that came from. This morning I just seem to be up and down. lol I was okay a moment ago and now there a tear track on my cheek and I just don't know why. Sometimes I just feel so messed up. never mind me, I'm okay.
sorry
There is no need for sorries or apologies, I know just where you are coming from, we are sisters after all. We all have tear tracks and we all know where they come from it is really all ok! Just accept that you are a neat lady we all love or I will sick "That Woman" on you and you know what that means.
Just dropping by to say hi! I have found a little bit of meditation works wonders for my mental state when I remember to do it. I know there are many opinions on how to do it best, but I honestly think just sitting in a normal chair, you don't even have to close your eyes, but just focus on taking nice deep breaths and letting go of your thoughts. I like to imagine that I just notice my thoughts as though they are floating leaves on a passing stream instead of engaging with / exploring the thoughts. This has been helpful with my family member still in the hospital :(. Definitely have been finding out first-hand that the tears come much more easily than they used to! Love and miss ya, girl! :-*
Hey Patti,
Thanks for stopping by. You know I love to see you here. I'm sorry to her your family is still having problems. Good vibe and a prayer for them and you.
I've never bee able to do that meditation thing and don't think I can be hypnotized either as my head never clears. Them damn squirrels crawled in the when I was younger and generations of them have come and gone. The best I can do is distraction with some other noise. To sleep I use audiobooks to keep them at bay. I think they like the stories too because it does seem to quiet then long enough for me to fall asleep.
You take care of yourself Patti. How is your HRT coming along. You already mentioned the ease of tears. (I know that one all too well) Is there any other developments with it? You need to keep in touch girl.
Hugs,
Laurie
HRT is going well! I have been on my increased dose for about a month. Seeing some good breast development, and I'm hoping that I will be able to increase to my doc's max dose soon and will see even more progress in that department. I'm also loving the new fat distribution pattern I am seeing--face looking a bit fuller and rest of body softening a bit. It feels like magic.
I hope you'll just try the meditation for 2 minutes some day. It really can be quite relaxing. And you don't have to clear your mind, either. I think this article does a nice job explaining some of the benefits: https://zenhabits.net/meditation-guide/
After all, what would this thread be without someone pestering you to do something you don't want to do ?!?! I think the challenge has been taken out of the m-word now that you are full-time, so now I am going squirrel hunting! ;) :-*
Thanks Patty, I may try it but no promises. So the M word has lost it's edge with me now so you are introducing another?? What is this obsession with hunting these days anyway? ;D ;D :icon_2gun: :icon_yikes:
I went to lie down last night before 8pm, after having taken 4 aspirin by that time for a headache and not being able to concentrate on the posts I was trying to read. I fell asleep and in a series of naps I didn't get up until after 7 this morning. No headache atm just a feeling of thick headedness now. You know the feeling something like sluggish thoughts and feeling as if there's a headache lurking there somewhere but not yet ready to make you miserable. Oh well it ain't here yet.
Laurie
I hope the earth quake wasn't you head ache returning , have you tried filter glasses for computer screens. saw some in shop the other day and they are readers .
If you use Windows 10 (and it's up to date) there's a Night Light mode that makes the screen much easier on the eyes. That might help?
Thanks for the ideas but I'm sure I can rule out the screens a a cause. I've lived with computer screens long enough (more than 45 years) to be pretty sure they are not giving me headaches. I'll admit starring at them long enough that it takes awhile to see straight when I get away from them, but they've never been the cause for my headaches.
Laurie
I'm still dealing with headaches off and on but they aren't severe just annoying and that thick headed feeling. Aspirin and naps seem to help some. Perhaps it's a result of that word I don't believe in.. stress though I do not feel stressed.
I've been talking with my favorite antagonist about something I read in my therapists reports from the last two visits. In them he stated I am depressed. I contended with my devil's advocate that "yes I had been depressed but I wasn't any longer." The subject has come up in various conversations since I told her, usually where I've complained about one thing or another. After a few of her pointed questions she throws out, "well, could it be your therapist might be right?" Early this morning I had to admit to her that maybe my therapist is right. But if he is, I've been depressed a very long time as I do not think I have ever gotten over my divorce and that was over twenty years ago. This recent turmoil with my daughter and her husband has just brought it back to the surface again and added to it. It is still bothering me. I'm not happy. I see it in my posts. It sneaks into them and I've scrapped whole replies to threads because I didn't like the tone of what I typed. I don't like where my head is at, it's probably not healthy. lol Instead of a gender therapist, maybe I should be talking to a regular shrink.
Moving on, I have been noticing something I think is weird. I am going through periods of being uncomfortably warm and open my door to the outside to let cooler air in and after awhile I close it again when I've cooled down. Now, I love being warm, but it seems to be me and not the room temperature as the temperature is at a level I usually find comfortable which is warm for others that come visit. Visitors usually complain I keep it too hot and this isn't even on what I consider the warmer side of my usual temp range.
Could it have something to do with my estradiol? I usually take my last dose around 9-10 pm and then I don't take another until around noon. It's been happening in the mornings before my next dose. I take 3 doses during the day.
I don't sweat or anything like that just feels uncomfortably warm. It just strikes me as weird.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on September 21, 2017, 01:29:10 PM
I'm still dealing with headaches off and on but they aren't severe just annoying and that thick headed feeling. Aspirin and naps seem to help some. Perhaps it's a result of that word I don't believe in.. stress though I do not feel stressed.
I've been talking with my favorite antagonist about something I read in my therapists reports from the last two visits. In them he stated I am depressed. I contended with my devil's advocate that "yes I had been depressed but I wasn't any longer." The subject has come up in various conversations since I told her, usually where I've complained about one thing or another. After a few of her pointed questions she throws out, "well, could it be your therapist might be right?" Early this morning I had to admit to her that maybe my therapist is right. But if he is, I've been depressed a very long time as I do not think I have ever gotten over my divorce and that was over twenty years ago. This recent turmoil with my daughter and her husband has just brought it back to the surface again and added to it. It is still bothering me. I'm not happy. I see it in my posts. It sneaks into them and I've scrapped whole replies to threads because I didn't like the tone of what I typed. I don't like where my head is at, it's probably not healthy. lol Instead of a gender therapist, maybe I should be talking to a regular shrink.
Moving on, I have been noticing something I think is weird. I am going through periods of being uncomfortably warm and open my door to the outside to let cooler air in and after awhile I close it again when I've cooled down. Now, I love being warm, but it seems to be me and not the room temperature as the temperature is at a level I usually find comfortable which is warm for others that come visit. Visitors usually complain I keep it too hot and this isn't even on what I consider the warmer side of my usual temp range.
Could it have something to do with my estradiol? I usually take my last dose around 9-10 pm and then I don't take another until around noon. It's been happening in the mornings before my next dose. I take 3 doses during the day.
I don't sweat or anything like that just feels uncomfortably warm. It just strikes me as weird.
Hugs,
Laurie
I think it could be your hrt. My temperature was always pretty steady before hrt. Now it can be all over the place. I notice that in the summer when I do strenuous stuff I get hot easily. But then at night when I'm just watching TV I get a little cold from the A/C. In the winter forget it! I used to have a high tolerance for cold but now I get totally cold very easy in the winter. It doesn't matter how warm I dress, sometimes I still feel cold. It's weird. If someone is sitting close I find myself moving closer to them trying to suck up their body heat. My brother always tells me he's not a personal space heater. It's weird how hrt seems to mess with your internal thermostat.
Hot flushes then, hormones taking over!!!!!
Quote from: davina61 on September 21, 2017, 02:15:37 PM
Hot flushes then, hormones taking over!!!!!
Julia,
I think you are just a cuddler.
Davina,
I'm not too sure about that as it isn't as bad as my sister has described of her menopause if that's what you are thinking of.
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on September 21, 2017, 02:44:52 PM
Julia,
I think you are just a cuddler.
Davina,
I'm not too sure about that as it isn't as bad as my sister has described of her menopause if that's what you are thinking of.
Laurie
I definitely am. But Tyler just gives off a lot of body heat. When he isn't talking it must be all that hot air building up inside him. Lol
Quote from: Julia1996 on September 21, 2017, 02:48:53 PM
I definitely am. But Tyler just gives off a lot of body heat. When he isn't talking it must be all that hot air building up inside him. Lol
That's what you get for having a "hot" Aussie boyfriend ;D
Hmmm, never knew HRT could affect someone like that. I am always hot to the touch, according to my wife. I don't feel it personally, but I am not bothered by the cold.
Quote from: amandam on September 22, 2017, 12:56:47 AM
Hmmm, never knew HRT could affect someone like that. I am always hot to the touch, according to my wife. I don't feel it personally, but I am not bothered by the cold.
Hi Amanda,
I'm glad to see you still here and still wanting to be a girl.
I don't know that what I'm noticing has anything to do with HRT. I just threw that out there because it's something new to me and I haven't an explanation for it. I've been fine all day again and took my last dose a little bit ago so we'll see if the sensation returns in the morning again or if it's just me and my imagination. It's probably just me.
Hi everyone,
Today has been an okay day, neither happy nor sad, just kind of blah. Nothing scheduled until Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday then I'm done for the month. Perhaps I'll go for a ride tomorrow since it isn't supposed to rain. Perhaps I'll head to the coast or south towards Corvallis or Eugene. Perhaps not. Just paid my car insurance for 6 months so maybe I'll just stay home and nap the day away. In other words I haven't a clue what I'll do but I am getting restless.
Oh well I'll figure it out tomorrow.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on September 22, 2017, 01:21:04 AM
Perhaps I'll go for a ride tomorrow since it isn't supposed to rain... In other words I haven't a clue what I'll do but I am getting restless.
The weather's starting to get nice in Florida [emoji851]
Steph
Quote from: Laurie on September 22, 2017, 01:21:04 AM
In other words I haven't a clue what I'll do but I am getting restless.
Take cover everyone, you could be next!
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 22, 2017, 01:24:34 AM
The weather's starting to get nice in Florida [emoji851]
Steph
Quote from: meganjames2 on September 22, 2017, 01:43:04 AM
Take cover everyone, you could be next!
Florida is safe I'm still trying to recoup from my last long trek an triple and car insurance this month hasn't helped. So it would need to be fairly local. Say withing a tank to get there and one to get back. So anyone over 400 miles max is safe.
Meagan:
Shhhh you're scaring my prey.
Hugs,
Laurie
I'll just throw my coinage in here.
Depression is a real biochemical event. It isn't 'Oh, I feel sad.' It is physical and sometimes, even though we feel better in ourselves and are coping happily, the chemical imbalance can still be there but is being over-ridden by a massive release chemicals. But we still may have the fundamental chemical lesion. It can usually be corrected and without the heavy mind numbing drugs that were once used - maybe a chat to your therapist?
Oh the heat thing. It is called menopause. Maybe see your endo you may need a boost or a reduction or something.
Julia, it is well known that Australia is closer to the sun so we warm up quickly. Relatively short exposure to the Australian climate activates a mutation called MHT, triggering the marsupial heat transference gland that we are all born with but is only active in Aussies. That is why Aussies are warm and cuddly. Trust me I'm a Doctor and a public servant.
Oh and Laurie, Hugs from Cindy who has just spent a week of fighting the C demon but life goes on.
Hi Cindy,
Glad to have you back to work. I didn't like reading about you having a bout with the C demons again. At least it was the demons and not the devil himself. They are unpleasant but still better to deal with.
As for me my therapist is already noting depression in my records. He's done that twice now and that devil's advocate is agreeing with him. (You know who it is) She has me thinking my therapist might be right. We'll see what he thinks on Thursday when I see him again. He knows I read his reports so I can talk to him about it directly. I do think there's something wrong. Especially when I think of my daughter and family. That is the fresh hurt for sure but I think it has been around a lot longer than that.
Laurie
Laurie,
So sorry to hear about what you are experiencing, have been away from the site for awhile so catching up at the present. I am fortunate in that for most of my life depression has not been a part of it, dysphoria, yes, but thankfully HRT has for the most part eliminated that from my life. That being said I cannot begin to offer personal experience advice nor would I, as each of us can only know the life we have lived in the past, live in the present and hope for in the future. I wish that there was a magic wand I could wave and make your life better as everyone in this community would also do, but we know that is not the way it works. I can only offer my thoughts, you have experienced many things this past summer. An increase in estradiol, (one thought there, was proestrogen a part of that? it has properties that can increase depression). You have begun RLE, and all of the emotional changes that accompany it, not only with your own emotions but the experience of seeing others react to your change. The rebuff from your daughter and her family which I suspect was the hardest on you. You have experienced in one summer what many go through in a lifetime and never experience. There has been no stability for you to fall back on and rely on. I can only hope and pray that you can find that in your life's journey as you go forward.
With hugs and prayers,
Denni
Hope things start to work themselves out for you soon Laurie, I know it can be like wading through treacle sometimes, nowhere near as much fun as eating treacle pud ;D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hi Denni and Sadie,
Thank you both for your concern. Yeah, I guess I'm still going through that rough patch brought on again by the situation with my daughter. I'm manage to put that aside for the most part but I can't say I'm happy. Oh I have good days where I almost feel right but I still see it slipping out in my posts. I'm sorry for that but it does happen. Those aren't a bad as the posts I write and trash. I'm sure I'll get over it. The sooner the better right?
Denni
Welcome back, Denni. I hope what ever you were busy with was pleasurable of at least relaxing. No progestrogens are not involved as I haven't got my GP to proscribe it for me. He knows I want to try it. I'm sorely tempted to use the progesterone I ummm acquired but I'm being good and following doctor's orders.
Sadie
Thank you too Sadie. You caused me to learn something today. I had to look up treacle. You foreigners have strange words for normal everyday words. Between you UK folks and those upside downers I'm always learning new terms for things I already know.
Hugs to you both,
Laurie
btw Is it too warm in here to you?
Sorry turned the heating up as its gone cold out
Quote from: davina61 on September 22, 2017, 02:28:45 PM
Sorry turned the heating up as its gone cold out
Can't you keep it on your side of the pond?
I feel I need to apologize again, yesterday wasn't a very good day. It went from so so to bad and back to so so and then in the wee small hours of the morning I got positively nasty with Liz. For that I am truly sorry as I view Liz as a dear friend. She tries her best to help me, spending hours and hours talking to me and putting up with my crap. Last night I fear I pushed it a bit too much. I hope not.
Liz I am sorry.
I must say when you do something you give it every thing . Don't take that the wrong way darling. I am sure Liz will forgive you what ever you said , we all understand . I get it trouble at work as when tired and naffed off I do say things/lose my rag when I shouldn't . HUGS XXXX
Quote from: Laurie on September 24, 2017, 12:41:54 PM
I feel I need to apologize again, yesterday wasn't a very good day. It went from so so to bad and back to so so and then in the wee small hours of the morning I got positively nasty with Liz. For that I am truly sorry as I view Liz as a dear friend. She tries her best to help me, spending hours and hours talking to me and putting up with my crap. Last night I fear I pushed it a bit too much. I hope not.
Liz I am sorry.
Hrt causes mood swings and we all sometimes turn into a super bitch. People who love and care about you will forgive you. Sometimes I just get into a totally vile mood really for no good reason. Since I don't have any friends to alienate my poor brother gets it. If I push it too far with him he will literally pick me up and carry my to my room, which only pisses me off even more, and he will tell me to stay in there until my period is over. I always feel bad afterwards. All you can do is apologize. The joys of hrt. Lol
Quote from: Laurie on September 24, 2017, 12:41:54 PM
I feel I need to apologize again, yesterday wasn't a very good day. It went from so so to bad and back to so so and then in the wee small hours of the morning I got positively nasty with Liz. For that I am truly sorry as I view Liz as a dear friend. She tries her best to help me, spending hours and hours talking to me and putting up with my crap. Last night I fear I pushed it a bit too much. I hope not.
Liz I am sorry.
My Dearest Laurie,
Your gracious apology was not expected nor necessary (IMHO) but thank you I appreciate it. I would hope that you know me well enough now to know that whilst your responses to me last night may have left you feeling bad all I could see was someone who was hurting really badly and needed verbalise some of the things she was struggling with...did you say some things that might have been considered hurtful...hmmmm maybe to yourself but certainly not to me.
I am here for you and remain your upside down (slight crazy)Aussie friend...I hope you are doing ok today...
Hugs
Liz
Hi Laurie!
It sounds like you are starting to figure some things out about yourself through the therapy and chats with a certain devil's advocate. Embracing a diagnosis like depression can be really hard, and can cause you to rethink some of your feelings and actions years in the past, but I have personally benefited and seen many others in my life benefit from acknowledging this problem and taking steps--whether therapy, medication, lifestyle changes, usually some combo of all 3--to heal. I think Cindy's comments are worth considering (but aren't they always? I sincerely hope you are besting those C demons, Cindy!). Send you lots of love & support today & every day. :-* Patti
Laurie,
Lotta people here love you. Oh, oh, can I be one of them? Well, you have no choice anyway, so suck it up buttercup and accept the love. Am here if you ever what to chat. I'll even reenact the bed scene in Philly where you try to choke the life out of me. ;D
Moni
Agh the bed scene at the hospital.
Okay Girls, I'm fine. I'll talk to my therapist thursday
I had gotten enthused about Kaiser Permanente HMO services when Michelle started talking about all they were going to be doing for her. I had had Kaiser before through work when I last had a real job many years ago. I almost signed up with them ( Form filled out and only needed to hit enter) a year or so ago when the VA sent me a third letter informing me I no longer qualified. But I decided to call the VA and talk to them first and they told me the letters were wrong so I stayed with the VA. This of course did nothing for me in regards to any possible surgeries. Hence my interest in Kaiser again. Then Michelle begins talking about how Kaiser won't be helping her further with surgeries when she hits 65 as they will convert her coverage to their "Senior Advantage plan. Well that popped my glowing hopes bubble.
My sister received her Kaiser senior advantage reference book, I've read it from cover to cover. There is not one word regarding transgender services. So much for that idea.
What it means to me is: It's a good thing I haven't thought seriously of having surgeries yet because 1. The VA won't do them and under this administration the services the VA does supply is likely to be ended. 2. I'm left with Medicare as the option I have now but finding those services it not easy and again under this administration it could easily become a thing of the past. 3. Find a benevolent insurance company to enroll with. Again this current administration is working to undermine that and there already is no such thing as a benevolent insurance company they are all greedy crooks. or 4. somehow get my papers all change and obtain a passport and go overseas for them.
It'll be easier to just not think about surgeries I'm by no mean certain I need anyway. Maybe all I needed was some props to fill out the clothes I like to wear.
Quote from: Laurie on September 25, 2017, 08:40:04 PM
> or 4. somehow get my papers all change and obtain a passport
At my endocrinology appoinment today I asked my doctor for a medical certification letter (https://travel.state.gov/content/passports/en/passports/information/gender.html) and she said yes, I'll receive it in a few days. I'll be using that letter to update the gender marker and name on my US Passport. With gender marker change it's basically a new passport application but approval is automatic - a birth certificate with previous name and gender marker is ok if the doctor's letter is attached. Under current rules this is super easy once you have that letter.
Hint, hint...
If I ever feel a need for one I'll get a lawyer who knows something about document changes
This morning when I signed off I picked up my phone to find a text from out of the blue sent I can only assume to torment me about my grand kids. He implied that it was my choice to walk away from them and that is how he and my daughter will ensure they remember me.
What a wonderful way to end a day that had been going well before reading it.
I guess I'll go have a great day undergoing an hour of face torture this afternoon. It's got to be better.
Oh Laurie, that's so sad. May I ask a personal question? What do you attribute your childrens narrow minded hatefulness to? Is there something in their childhood that may have contributed to this? Was there anything you can pinpoint that may attribute where all this bile originates? It seems so difficult to imagine these are your family members. Has something in your philosophy changed since their rearing or is this just an anomoly? Things generally don't exist in a vacuum. Have you given any consideration as to why any of this is the state of your relationship?
Be steong and be well. Regardless of their ignorance, only you can define you. Jess
Quote from: Jessica Lynne on September 26, 2017, 02:45:57 PM
Oh Laurie, that's so sad. May I ask a personal question? What do you attribute your children's narrow minded hatefulness to? Is there something in their childhood that may have contributed to this? Was there anything you can pinpoint that may attribute where all this bile originates? It seems so difficult to imagine these are your family members. Has something in your philosophy changed since their rearing or is this just an anomaly? Things generally don't exist in a vacuum. Have you given any consideration as to why any of this is the state of your relationship?
Be strong and be well. Regardless of their ignorance, only you can define you. Jess
Jess,
I cannot speak for my son in law but him and I have never been the best of friends. I've seen him thoroughly enjoy belittling others he has disagreements with at loves to do it publicly. I believes it feeds his ego.
My daughter on the other hand did grow up in a dysfunction home with an insecure cross dressing alcoholic and drug abusing dad. Her mother also did drugs. On top of that she was being sexually abused by the young man and some of the boys in the neighborhood, Said abuse was unknown to her mom and I until after the fact. All of which I got the blame for to the point that she insinuated that I must have known she was being abused and allowed it to go on. She got the idea that all of her personal problems stemming from her bad childhood for the Adult Children of Alcoholic support group whose premise that all of a child of an alcoholic problems are the fault of the alcoholic. A doctrine she has embraced wholeheartedly. I thought we were past that and that she had forgiven me. I was wrong she brought it back up and threw it in my face in a public denouncement of me and my being transgender. My coming out to them was what brought it all out.
Her mother did her best to ruin me after our divorce by outing me to all of of friends and even coming to my work to out me to my boss. I guess my daughter got that nastiness from her. I've never been one to do that to someone else myself. I never even bad mouthed my ex to my daughter after the divorce and encouraged my daughter to have a relationship with her Mom. I let her make up her own mind about her mom.
Rise above it darling, worst thing is to drop to there level. Sounds like your ex has a big paddle , have you felt a sharp pain between your shoulders?
I need some nail polish advice Laurie. I kind of want to experiment with some pinks but there seems to be so many choices. I've always worn dark reds and purples, with brighter red in the summer. But now for some strange reason I want pink. I blame it on the hormones i'm not on ;D I don't want nursing home pink just yet and barbie pink isn't me. See my quandary i'm in, too many choices, but I want pink. Any suggestions? I know you like the more classical polishes.
Feel free to ignore if you're not up to the Sadie pink challenge, I know you're having a rough patch and I wish I could help. I just don't know what to say other than I'm thinking of you and wish you all the joy and happiness you deserve.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Hi Sadie,
Oh I'm okay. I just got home from an hour of torture above my upper lip. I'm feeling better for it. It Hurt! If I hadn't been crying before it would have been a perfect cover for my tears. Christina had asked me the wrong question. I guess I will have to be a little less open with her in the future. lol Well didn't I say earlier I was going for facial torture so I could have a better day? In spite of both kinds of hurt I do feel a little better for it. Christina said I did really good enduring the full hour as she zapped and pulled mostly black hairs over my lip. I thought it hurt before but this time was special torture. And now that she has started, she wants to do more there next time.
Laurie
Big hug! You don't get to choose if and when she forgives you. You only get to choose if you want to accept the apology should it come.
My dad was a horrible angry drunk. We never got to the point of having a loving relationship. I never thought to go tell him it was okay he did such a pisspoor job raising me.
Food for thought.
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Shy on September 26, 2017, 05:47:34 PM
I need some nail polish advice Laurie. I kind of want to experiment with some pinks but there seems to be so many choices. I've always worn dark reds and purples, with brighter red in the summer. But now for some strange reason I want pink. I blame it on the hormones i'm not on ;D I don't want nursing home pink just yet and barbie pink isn't me. See my quandary i'm in, too many choices, but I want pink. Any suggestions? I know you like the more classical polishes.
Feel free to ignore if you're not up to the Sadie pink challenge, I know you're having a rough patch and I wish I could help. I just don't know what to say other than I'm thinking of you and wish you all the joy and happiness you deserve.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
I have to ask, what is nursing home pink? That cracked me up.lol
Quote from: Shy on September 26, 2017, 05:47:34 PM
I need some nail polish advice Laurie. I kind of want to experiment with some pinks but there seems to be so many choices. I've always worn dark reds and purples, with brighter red in the summer. But now for some strange reason I want pink. I blame it on the hormones i'm not on ;D I don't want nursing home pink just yet and barbie pink isn't me. See my quandary i'm in, too many choices, but I want pink. Any suggestions? I know you like the more classical polishes.
Feel free to ignore if you're not up to the Sadie pink challenge, I know you're having a rough patch and I wish I could help. I just don't know what to say other than I'm thinking of you and wish you all the joy and happiness you deserve.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Thank you, Sadie,
My favorite color is called Sheer Pink #64 by Kleancolor. It is in fact a sheer pink frost polish. that looks really nice. You have seen it before on my nails. I just ordered another bottle from Amazon along with 9 others in a 6 bottle set and a 3 bottle set. I have only tried the sheer pink of these 10 bottles. ( I'll post links to them below)
Sally Hansen Hard as Nails Xtrene wear do wear pretty well and I have 3 pinks in that line. A darker pink one called Allbright # 259/178, A medium pink called Giant Peach #229, and a light pink called Tickled Pink #199.. I liked the medium one best of the three. All three are solid colors and therefore not among my favorites as I prefer frosts. I'm tempted by the metallics though I haven't tried them.
Of course the best part about wearing nail polish is that I no longer need to hide wearing it. ;D ;D ;D
I have sad news though. I broke enough of my pretty nails that I've had to cut them all short and begin the process of growing them out again.
Hugs,
Laurie
Here are those links.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BTAIRCI/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BTAIRCI/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1)
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BRGR83S/ref=od_aui_detailpages00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BRGR83S/ref=od_aui_detailpages00?ie=UTF8&psc=1)
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01KE84HBA/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01KE84HBA/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1)
Well I suppose I should go try to get some more sleep. But 2 hours should have been enough right? I'm kidding.
I need to get up a bit earlier than usual so I have time for coffee and breakfast before making myself beautiful for my first voice appointment at 9:30 am at the VA.
Laurie has a surprise for a nice lady with the One Million Veterans Project after. It seems the lady made and appointment for Leonard yesterday to come see her. It might be a little fun.
Hugs,
Laurie
Thanks for the advice Laurie:) I knew you'd know come good, you have such classy nails when in full bloom. Off shopping today for my new pink phase.
Good luck with the continuing face torture saga. I know it HURTS, but it will be worth it in the end. I think the one Million project will have a nice surprise, being one in a million yourself ;D
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Just some random thoughts.
Yesterday while driving home I stopped at a red light next to a car with darker tinted windows. I gave it a glance and could tell there was someone in the back seat and someone in the front passenger seat. A short time later I got a better look at the three young ladies in the car because the windows were now down and it was obviously done to get better look at me in my pickup and yes it was obvious they had clocked me. I found it interesting it did not bother me at all. I am what I am. Now if I can only figure out what and who I am for myself. I haven't got time for their problems.
I went to the VA today for my initial voice appointment. Erin is a nice younger woman (Sigh everyone is younger these days) I enjoyed just chatting a bit with her but eventually let her do her job. I listened to her spiel and answered her questions, filled out 2 questionnaires, recorded my normal voice. (it has an average of 120hz), and submitted to having a thin probe snaked down my nose to video my vocal cords in action while intoning Eeeeeeeees many times. (a numb throat is a weird sensation). She said everything looked normal and healthy and that my raspy sounding voice is due to things being very tight when I speak.
Next appointment is mid October and weekly sessions will start in November and are scheduled also. Along this thought I am getting too many appointments scheduled to keep them in my head. I have the one voice and another appointment on the 25 for my sister. 3 more for electrolysis and 5 already scheduled for November and will add 3 more electrolysis appointments. Somewhere in there I will also be scheduling appointments with my therapist. We are meeting about once every two weeks. I hate to say it but with all these annoyances scheduled and to be scheduled regularly it almost seems a plan. uggggh :( I am begining to feel tethered, tied down, stuck. obligated. :eusa_boohoo: :eusa_hand: :eusa_naughty: :eusa_shhh: :icon_help:
Speaking of therapy. I have a session scheduled for tomorrow. He will ask me how I've been since my last visit two weeks ago. Two weeks ago I told him I was having a rough time over the problems with my daughter and we talked about that. This time I'm going to tell him I want to talk about depression and ask what he can do to help me. Last time on the way out he asked if I had thought about suicide and I answered "not seriously' This time I'm not going to lie to him. I'm tired of the tears and the hurt. I know it goes far deeper than my daughter. I've been depressed a long time ago and never took care of it. I just put it aside and didn't think of it. Not directly but the pain sneaks out in various ways. It's still there and it has returned with a vengeance. I cannot put it away this time. I've tried.
I think I need help with it and I think I am ready to let someone help me.
Damn, girl you are an inspiration.
Keep going to find the real Laurie.
So close to a haiku and cant do it. :embarrassed:
Hi Laurie,
I am saddened by where you are, the suffering and pain, but I am very please with where you are going with it. First off, I am amazed at the maturity of your approach to the girls in the other car. So neat to be able to just let it go. Then you bring up how you are going to address your present and ongoing state with your therapist, wow, we are so proud of you girl! It will be tough and you know there are many here to lean on. Please use us to help you grow. Love you girl!
Tia Anne
Thanks Julie I'm sorry to say I don't feel like an inspiration to anyone one at the moment.
Tia I'm just so tired of crying I'm ready to just give up. So I have to do something or give in.
Quote from: Laurie on September 27, 2017, 10:31:19 PM
Thanks Julie I'm sorry to say I don't feel like an inspiration to anyone one at the moment.
Tia I'm just so tired of crying I'm ready to just give up. So I have to do something or give in.
"Never give up, never surrender!" (love that quote).
Being serious though, I hid my own suicidal thoughts and plans from my therapist for several months, she was shocked when I finally told her (the only time I've seen her visibly upset). But as with everything, talking it through let's us move past it. It takes courage, but you've got this [emoji6]. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Hi Laurie,
I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. I understand it. Being transgender is hard. Even if we get "so called" acceptance from some in our life, those people start to keep you at a distance. Unfortunately loss, grief and low self esteem are things we have to deal with somehow. I'm a miserable work in progress.
To make matters worse, I'm in relapse of a chronic illness, and I lost my job yesterday because of it. I lost my dad to suicide on August 13, and I'm not over that yet. I always called him when I was down and he picked me up. I wanted to call him yesterday, but he's not there any more. I have those thoughts, too, but I can't go there. Experiencing the shock, pain and grief of that and seeing how it affected the family has probably saved my life. I called my therapist yesterday, and she gave me this information. Please call them or reach out if it gets to be too much.
The Translifeline https://www.translifeline.org/ is a crisis line that is staffed by trans individuals. Also, there is a national hotline that has both call lines as well as online chat. Here is that info: 1-800-273-8255 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
I may try to put my best girl face on today and go window shopping at the Mall or something. I'll treat myself to some ice cream. If it doesn't cheer me up at least it will be a distraction for a while. I don't feel like going out, but I can't bear sitting around the house thinking about all this crap. Don't they say "misery loves company?" Let's hang in there together, girlfriend. We'll make it.
Love, Tommie :)
Tommie I am so sorry to hear of your irreplaceable loss a month ago and then your illness and job unraveling. That is terrible, no other way to describe it. You are strong to be able to write about it. And even through all this you want to help others.
Laurie you are wise but on this one thing don't listen to yourself - you really are an inspiration. I don't think you realize how many of us admire your determination mixed with just the right amount of spontaneous. Who else jumps in their truck and drives coast to coast to meet a dozen Susan's members along the way?
That's why us girls have long eyelashes... more places to catch the tears. And then we pick ourselves up and go conquer. Even if you don't call a hotline or log in here we are always in this together.
Quote from: Tommie_9 on September 28, 2017, 05:38:17 AM
Hi Laurie,
I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. I understand it. Being transgender is hard. Even if we get "so called" acceptance from some in our life, those people start to keep you at a distance. Unfortunately loss, grief and low self esteem are things we have to deal with somehow. I'm a miserable work in progress.
To make matters worse, I'm in relapse of a chronic illness, and I lost my job yesterday because of it. I lost my dad to suicide on August 13, and I'm not over that yet. I always called him when I was down and he picked me up. I wanted to call him yesterday, but he's not there any more. I have those thoughts, too, but I can't go there. Experiencing the shock, pain and grief of that and seeing how it affected the family has probably saved my life. I called my therapist yesterday, and she gave me this information. Please call them or reach out if it gets to be too much.
The Translifeline https://www.translifeline.org/ is a crisis line that is staffed by trans individuals. Also, there is a national hotline that has both call lines as well as online chat. Here is that info: 1-800-273-8255 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
I may try to put my best girl face on today and go window shopping at the Mall or something. I'll treat myself to some ice cream. If it doesn't cheer me up at least it will be a distraction for a while. I don't feel like going out, but I can't bear sitting around the house thinking about all this crap. Don't they say "misery loves company?" Let's hang in there together, girlfriend. We'll make it.
Love, Tommie :)
Ohh Tommie,
Do I ever understand where you are. Your story above is sooooo close to the one that brought me to the brink of oblivion several times. In my case it was my divorce, loss of my job of 18 years, and my Dad dying, all within six months. Of course these were just the bigger things. There were many smaller ones both before and after that pushed me to the point of sitting in a forest with a shotgun barrel in my mouth. I relate this to you Tommie not to compete with your own pain and grief, no, I tell you it to say I understand the pain. I know where your head is and where you can go with it. It encourages me that you called your therapist and have those numbers.
I didn't call those numbers back then, I didn't have them and I could not have called them it I had had them. What I did do was to box up all that hurt and pain in my head and shove it into a dark corner. It took me about two years to do it and become functional again. That was back in 1994. Unfortunately I was damaged and the box leaked. I don't know if it was because of that time or if it started somewhere before. All I do know is that it always has been a problem letting anyone get close to me. Their/ your/ anyone's caring and/or love for me is almost a physical pain. I cannot accept it for fear of being hurt again. So I keep everyone at arms length and cannot reach out and embrace them myself. It's this old demon that has come out of the dark shadows to torment me again. This problems and loss of my daughter and grandchildren were the key to it's cage. It is out and has me in it's grasp again and I cannot put it away again.
If it wasn't for you folks here and a few key others. I could easily be sitting in that forest again instead of sitting here thinking of what and how I am going to tell my therapist today. All of you have helped get me to this point, but there is one special woman here that has spent hours and hours putting up with me and working to get me to this point. She knows who she is and I have to thank her for it.
So here I sit crying once again, Tommie. Don't let yourself get this low. Ignoring the hurt or setting it aside isn't not a solutions in the long run. It will help for a while but it will have a high cost for it and will only return sometime later to make you feel even worse. Get into your therapist and begin to heal, that is the only way we are going to banish that demon. You have to deal with yours as I have to finally deal with mine. I will be right there with you in spirit as many of you will be with me today. We have to start the healing process sometime and today is my start.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Kendra on September 28, 2017, 09:01:34 AM
Laurie you are wise but on this one thing don't listen to yourself - you really are an inspiration. I don't think you realize how many of us admire your determination mixed with just the right amount of spontaneous. Who else jumps in their truck and drives coast to coast to meet a dozen Susan's members along the way?
That's why us girls have long eyelashes... more places to catch the tears. And then we pick ourselves up and go conquer. Even if you don't call a hotline or log in here we are always in this together.
Kendra,
I keep reading that I'm and inspiration, wise, admired or some such. Moni nailed it when she wrote, "You have inspire many. I know you may not believe it right now, but there are a lot of folks who strongly see your goodness." She 's right I don't see it, I don't believe it. I don't feel special in any way. I feel broken, wretched, undeserving and unlovable. If I felt otherwise I would be needing to ask a psychologist for help today.
I do thank you and everyone for thinking better of me. i do appreciate the caring and love everyone sends my way. If I wasn't broken I would welcome it and accept it. But as i am now I can only say thank you, thank you all.
Hugs, Laurie
Laurie, I am so glad that you are going to work on the depression with your therapist! Such a big step, and not an easy one. I hope you have a good appointment.
Tommie, sending lots of love your way--I am so sorry you are going through all of that. Your positive attitude is impressive and inspiring!
Thank you Kendra and Laurie. Instead of going shopping this morning, I decided I needed some good spiritual vibes. I went to the Catawba Indian Nation Cultural Center and got a whole lot of love there. Being a two-spirit (transgender) person is special and not something to be ashamed of among most Native American tribes. I got my Indian girl on, got some big hugs, and I don't feel as depressed at the moment. I love you all! :-*
Quote from: Tommie_9 on September 28, 2017, 11:36:52 AM
Thank you Kendra and Laurie. Instead of going shopping this morning, I decided I needed some good spiritual vibes. I went to the Catawba Indian Nation Cultural Center and got a whole lot of love there. Being a two-spirit (transgender) person is special and not something to be ashamed of among most Native American tribes. I got my Indian girl on, got some big hugs, and I don't feel as depressed at the moment. I love you all! :-*
Hi Tommie,
I'm glad you feel a bit better but I have to urge caution with it. I have had more ups and downs than a yo-yo recently. In fact I'm a little up atm though I had tears just a few minutes ago. I usually feel good when I am going to my therapy sessions making it difficult to convey just how bad I have been feeling.
Quote from: p on September 28, 2017, 11:13:36 AM
Laurie, I am so glad that you are going to work on the depression with your therapist! Such a big step, and not an easy one. I hope you have a good appointment.
Patti,
Always my #1 Fan. Thank you Girl. I too hope my appointment goes well and i am able to get my state of mind across to him. If I cannot it will be a waste of his and my time. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it or what I'm going to say. But I know I have to do something.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on September 28, 2017, 11:52:02 AM
Hi Tommie,
I'm glad you feel a bit better but I have to urge caution with it. I have had more ups and downs than a yo-yo recently. In fact I'm a little up atm though I had tears just a few minutes ago. I usually feel good when I am going to my therapy sessions making it difficult to convey just how bad I have been feeling.
Thank you, Laurie for the words of caution. I'm the same as you. I know this feeling won't last. I'm on a roller coaster too, but it's mostly at the bottom of the ride. I'm going to feel the love for a little while. Love
Quote from: Tommie_9 on September 28, 2017, 11:56:21 AM
Thank you, Laurie for the words of caution. I'm the same as you. I know this feeling won't last. I'm on a roller coaster too, but it's mostly at the bottom of the ride. I'm going to feel the love for a little while. Love
I didn't want to take any of that love away from you Tommie. Bask in it girl.
laurie
We're all praying for you, Laurie.
Quote from: Laurie on September 28, 2017, 12:08:17 PM
I didn't want to take any of that love away from you Tommie. Bask in it girl.
laurie
I didn't take it that way, Laurie. I'm a basking kind of girl... :)
Quote from: Jessica Lynne on September 28, 2017, 12:14:45 PM
We're all praying for you, Laurie.
Thank you, Jess
Well I went to my therapy session and did as I said I would. Through many tears I let him know how low I have been this last couple of weeks and really this last month. I let him know I felt I have been depressed since 1994 which was the last time my world came crashing down. (it took me 2 years or so to become functional again) and said it may even have begun before that.
I asked him to help me.
He suggested an anti-depressant and ask if I would be will to try something like that. My answer was to say I am will to try anything if it could help me. He can't prescribe then himself so he will make a referral to a psychiatrist on their team that can. I'll receive a call to make an appointment with them and I'm sure they will need to assess the need for medication themselves. But the process has begun. I just hope it is going to help me.
For the rest of the session we talked more abut when and what I think has been the causes of my problems. I clarified for him how dark my thoughts have gotten recently and how I came so close to suicide last time. I told him I have had similar thoughts going through my head this time to just not to the level of wanting to act upon them yet. I told him I just want the crying and pain to stop. That is one option to end then that has been visiting my thoughts.
I told him of my inability to accept the concerns and love of people like you and how I feel unworthy and undeserving of those well meant efforts. I told him how I try to keep everyone from getting close to me for fear of being hurt again or my hurting them (I have been real good at doing that last). But some of you still manage it. Lots of tears this session. I think more of them than in any other session so far. I'd like to tell you I felt better afterwards but the truth is that I didn't. Neither did I feel worse. I feel neutral about it.
I've another appointment with him in a week.
Well there you have it. it's an update neither encouraging nor discouraging. But my depression is now out in the open.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie,
I am so glad you are willing to go forward and tackle this. I know a number of people who have taken the antidepressants and they have had good results. It takes some time to kick in and sometimes you might have to explore to find the best one for your body chemistry. I have been thinking about something like this for myself. I seem to have a lot of anxiety and I can't seem to put it in its place like I want to.
I do hope you explore the pushing away of those who care. You are so kind and amazing to people, I hate that it is so hard for you to claim closeness to people for yourself. You deserve to be happy my friend.
Love,
Moni
Hang on Laurie. Just hang on. There's always plenty of time to do what can't be undone. Then there's no solution. Please do what you have to do to get where you need to be. Please. I know you don't think so today, but you 're worth it. So give everything an opportunity to fall together. We all want the best for you....we really do.
Quote from: HappyMoni on September 28, 2017, 04:52:18 PM
Laurie,
I am so glad you are willing to go forward and tackle this. I know a number of people who have taken the antidepressants and they have had good results. It takes some time to kick in and sometimes you might have to explore to find the best one for your body chemistry. I have been thinking about something like this for myself. I seem to have a lot of anxiety and I can't seem to put it in its place like I want to.
I do hope you explore the pushing away of those who care. You are so kind and amazing to people, I hate that it is so hard for you to claim closeness to people for yourself. You deserve to be happy my friend.
Love,
Moni
Hi Moni,
I truly don't know if taking meds is going to help, but I know I had to try something. If I didn't it would probably have killed me with the way I was going. Anyway I think my therapist and I have a few more things to work on now that I have brought my depression out to be looked at. I tell you I didn't have much convincing to do to change our focus. We talked about many associated problems I've never really talked to him about before. And yes Moni, one of those was just that issue I have about letting friends get too close. That one alone causes me a lot of tears. It hurts that I can't let them in and it hurts when they do.
He started to tell me I was Laurie now and a different person than who I used to be. My response to that was to say I am not sure who or what I am anymore. All I really know is that I am broken and hurting and I want it to stop.
Oh I know another thing, I will have 2 more appointments as a result of today. I am getting far too many of the troublesome things to remember and have to put them on a calendar. They are roping me in and tying me down. It's almost like making plans.
Hugs,
Laurie
I love you Laurie
Oh, Laurie... It's times like this I wish so much I knew the right things to say, some magic words that will make someone's pain go away.
I've spent the last 15 years doing just what you said - trying to push away everyone who cared about me. I lived in self-imposed exile, not even having the slightest shred of a social life. I don't recommend it. I'm still working on escaping that trap I made for myself, I don't want to see anyone else do that to themselves - pushing them away didn't help, it only made everything worse.
Add me to the list of those you inspired. You, with your kindness and humor, are one of the reasons I had the courage to post here in the first place. So thank you, and know that, even if you can't accept it right now, we all care for you.
Laurie, you are loved. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you are.
Depression is nasty just because if doesn't let us rest, doesn't let us see our better selves that others see, and just nags at us about the worst things we can imagine of ourselves. The thing is, the You that you see in depression is not real. It tricks you into self-destructive behaviors around friends, jobs, everything that matters in your life.
I am glad you finally brought this up with the therapist and will be getting some assistance in dealing with it. It's just nasty, dangerous stuff.
Please take care.
Michelle
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Quote from: HappyMoni on September 28, 2017, 05:43:33 PM
I love you Laurie
Moni,
Please understand I do know you love me and that I also love you. The problem has never been yours or any one else's that care about me. The problem is mine. completely mine and mine alone. I know it but I cannot help trying to keep people at a distance. I am hoping I can eventual learn to love myself and maybe then I can let my dear friends in. I'm very sorry.
Quote from: Sarah_P on September 28, 2017, 05:50:00 PM
Oh, Laurie... It's times like this I wish so much I knew the right things to say, some magic words that will make someone's pain go away.
I've spent the last 15 years doing just what you said - trying to push away everyone who cared about me. I lived in self-imposed exile, not even having the slightest shred of a social life. I don't recommend it. I'm still working on escaping that trap I made for myself, I don't want to see anyone else do that to themselves - pushing them away didn't help, it only made everything worse.
Add me to the list of those you inspired. You, with your kindness and humor, are one of the reasons I had the courage to post here in the first place. So thank you, and know that, even if you can't accept it right now, we all care for you.
Thank you Sarah. You have described me pretty well except I've been at it somewhat longer than you have and have hopefully just begun to get help for something I can no longer control or live with. Something had to be done before it gets too bad. I've been here in depression before and I know where this road leads. I was lucky to have survived it before. Then it took me about two years to be functional again. I am hoping thins time doesn't take that long. Recovery starts with that first step and I took that today by asking for help.
Quote from: Michelle_P on September 29, 2017, 12:20:10 AM
Laurie, you are loved. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you are.
Depression is nasty just because if doesn't let us rest, doesn't let us see our better selves that others see, and just nags at us about the worst things we can imagine of ourselves. The thing is, the You that you see in depression is not real. It tricks you into self-destructive behaviors around friends, jobs, everything that matters in your life.
I am glad you finally brought this up with the therapist and will be getting some assistance in dealing with it. It's just nasty, dangerous stuff.
Please take care.
Michelle
Thank you also Michelle. I have to correct you in the first sentence. Like I told Moni above I do know I am loved, the problem is with me not feeling I deserve it. In my mind i don't. In my mind I am a horrible, perverted, angry person I'm wretched and incapable of being loved.
As for depression you're right it isn't a lot of fun is it? I'm willing to bet almost everyone here has had a brush with it. This is at least my second time and it's been pretty rough at times too. Every day for more than a month now has been a problem for me with each day a little more of a challenge today has been not any different. yes I have asked for help but that hasn't brought much if any relief. It will take some time to undo the damages of years. But I am hoping it can be done. Thank you Michelle for being one of my inspirations.
Hugs,
Laurie
It's time for another nap.
Quote from: Laurie on September 28, 2017, 05:38:02 PM
I truly don't know if taking meds is going to help, but I know I had to try something.
Laurie,
Meds saved my life 10 years ago. I want to help you, so I don't mind sharing that I've been medicated since then for Bi-Polar disorder. The highs made me feel like superwoman and the lows made me want to jump off a cliff without the cape. It doesn't completely relieve my depression, but it reduces it in combination with therapy. There is no silver bullet, so don't expect anti-depression meds to completely relieve your depression. It should reduce it along with therapy to the point where you can function. It's why I'm still here on planet earth to encourage and support you.
Tommie
Hi Laurie,
You speak of the difficulty of loving yourself, and not belittling your statement, I believe that almost everyone on this site can intimately feel the truth of those words. I am currently (today, not yesterday and tomorrow has yet to vote) loving myself. A good place to be but so fleeting, most days I strive to just like the person that stares at me from the mirror (some days it works, some it doesn't). That like often stems from actions, interactions and sometimes just artificially constructed activities. Reading the posts that you put out striving to help folks in desperate places or just showing the beautiful breakfast concoctions you fix so many mornings shows a truly likeable person. I think that she could turn out to be a good friend for you to like on a lot. This helps me to climb from my pits of self deprecation.
Take care my friend and hugs,
Tia Anne
Hey Laurie,
When I first created an account on these forums and I was scared to death to post stuff, one of the members took me by the hand and helped me overcome my fears and join the fun. Since then I've come to feel like one of the family, and have grown tremendously. I might not have gotten very far without that member's gentle(?) guidance. Since then I've found out that the same person is pretty highly regarded around here. Sounds like a pretty likable person, huh? You should join the group and admit that, too.
I think we know who we're talking about, right?
Love you Laurie.
Stephanie
Hi Tia.
First let me tell you that I like the new picture of you. In it I see a woman comfortable with who she is. Thank you for your kind thoughts.
Steph(anie)
Thank you also for yours.
I can't deny that the person you describe is me. I have never had a problem caring for someone else and wanting to help if I can. I do care. I love helping someone else when I can if I can. From sharing my cooking or helping solve computer problems or just lending a ear or a shoulder to cry on. I would drive all the way across country if I felt a friend needed me to be there for them if I could. I'll do anything I can to help you. Yes, I try to be a good person and a friend.
I suspect the reason I do is that I crave those same things myself. But when I sit here and read the same sort of concern and support written to me, I cry and only feel hurt. It doesn't mean I do not appreciate it or need it. I do. If I goof up like I've done with my friends in Missouri it's even worse. She can see though me to the pain and make me cry with a word, a look, or a hug. She's too close and knows me too well. Her husband Jim is the same way. Now that they are in, I have no defenses left against them. I even cry when I have to leave them to return home, every time I feel I am leaving a part of myself with them.
I don't feel like that good person you see and I try to be. I feel despicable, rotten and broken. It feel like I am two different people. I can't seem to put them together. There's the good caring and happier one I present to the world and the wretched one I still hide behind closed doors in the dark.
How can I let you, my friends, love and care for me when I can't even like myself?
Hugs,
Laurie
I've had depression and I was put on Zoloft once. I don't want to go back there, but from time to time I have dark thoughts and wonder if the world would be better off without me. The sense of hopelessness, I think comes from a feeling of being stuck and having no choice, of not being accepted for who I am. I don't do it because I feel like I would be giving in to those who would want me to go away, all the mouth breathing ignorant SoCons. I won't give them them the satisfaction. At some point I hope to rid myself of social expectations that invalidate who I am, meaning I won't care what others think.
I hope you find peace somehow and get the 100lb bucket off your head. That's what it was like for me. I wished I lived closer to visit.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
Quote from: Laurie on September 29, 2017, 03:32:11 PM
How can I let you, my friends, love and care for me when I can't even like myself?
I get it, Laurie. I really do. Been there. Maybe not so deep, and not for so long, but I had a condition that I call the "Yeahbuts!" I knew intellectually that what people were telling me was correct, but regardless what I was told, I had a "yeah, but" reason why it didn't apply to me. I kept asking, "where does the strength come from?" I was convinced I would always stay too weak to pull myself out of the hole. I still don't know how I did it. What I do know is that since I did, everything is so much better.
I'm glad to see that you were smart enough to know when to call in the experts. All of us here have expertise in being in the hole, but the people you're set up to meet are experts in rope throwing. They'll know what to do to get you from "Yeahbut!" to "Yeah!" So listen to the nice doctors, and we'll be up here patiently waiting for you.
Steph
Quote from: Steph2.0 on September 30, 2017, 12:29:19 AM
I get it, Laurie. I really do. Been there. Maybe not so deep, and not for so long, but I had a condition that I call the "Yeahbuts!" I knew intellectually that what people were telling me was correct, but regardless what I was told, I had a "yeah, but" reason why it didn't apply to me. I kept asking, "where does the strength come from?" I was convinced I would always stay too weak to pull myself out of the hole. I still don't know how I did it. What I do know is that since I did, everything is so much better.
I'm glad to see that you were smart enough to know when to call in the experts. All of us here have expertise in being in the hole, but the people you're set up to meet are experts in rope throwing. They'll know what to do to get you from "Yeahbut!" to "Yeah!" So listen to the nice doctors, and we'll be up here patiently waiting for you.
Steph
Hi Steph(anie)
Yeah but, I am not "smart enough to know when to call in the experts." I have been trying out the "yeah but" strategy on one of our own. Some dang Aussie doesn't bye it. She won't let me get away with denial. She isn't satisfied with telling me she agrees with my therapist's notes that I had depression. Oh no, she has to get me to say it but not just say it, I have to believe it. Believe me when I tell you she's had to work hard to do it. Eventually I succumbed to a preponderance of evidence and had to admit it and then I had to take everyone's advice to get help. What was the evidence? Two therapy sessions with diagnosis of depression, two of the online depression scans (one Australian and one USA) both coming up with the same result- moderate depression, one forum admin who's opinions I respect, telling me flat out it was plainly obvious that I was depressed. My friends here telling me I should get some help and offering to help. and one sometimes cranky, pestering, annoying Aussie that don't let me get away with "yes butting" her, working hard to get me to see it for myself. It also took me getting to a place where I could see the end of the road i was on. I'm afraid of that end, I've been close to it before and I don't want to go there again.
So I have to thank all of you and a big thanks to Liz for getting me to this point where I could ask for help. Now that I have I'll give what they want for me a try and see if I can finally do something about this small problem.
I'm not very good at giving advice but I am far worse at taking it. It could be new territory for me.
btw Today was a better day than I've been having.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hugs
Quote from: Laurie on September 30, 2017, 01:48:15 AM
btw Today was a better day than I've been having.
Yeah! [emoji16]
Steph
Quote from: Laurie on September 30, 2017, 01:48:15 AM
Hi Steph(anie)
It also took me getting to a place where I could see the end of the road i was on. I'm afraid of that end, I've been close to it before and I don't want to go there again..............
btw Today was a better day than I've been having.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hugs
You have done the hardest part...you asked for and will get the help you need and to me that is the important part. You did it... :icon_ihearu:
Hugs
Liz
A few days ago while in one of my more brilliant states of mind I deactivated my facebook account. It seemed like it took a couple days to work because this morning I got inquiries from four of my closer friends wanting to know why. one of them I got away with telling I was just tired of it and the crap on it these days. Two I had to tell a little more and a bit about my having some depression.
The last was a phone call from my friend Peggy in Missouri, she is one of those that I let get too close and she wasn't buying any of my downplaying efforts and excuses. So what ensued was at least a half an hour of tears as I told her what's been going on with me. I only got her off the phone when my cordless was running out of battery power. So the morning was a little rough and it kind of left me in a blah mood. I haven't been on very much today and spent the better part of the day on my bed with old reruns on the TV and dozing off and on.
Not a bad day I'd say, but I have had better.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie,
I am wondering if you notice any correlation between feeling worse or better and being out and about or staying in. I guess I am wondering if isolating yourself in the house is hurting you verses going out and being among the living. (the computer not counting as living in this case.) For me, I have to mix it up. My coworker invited me out to a bar to meet and hear his wife sing. Being a non drinker (usually) and with a voice that doesn't carry well in noise, (and ears that don't hear that great) I was not really excited to go, but I did. I had a real nice time. Sometimes maybe it is worth stretching ourselves a bit out of the comfort zone and being active in new things. Just a thought. Best part is ya don't have to plan it.
Monica
Laurie... I so much wish I could cheer you up more. Others here have better words of wisdom than I can come up with but I should mention I tossed my Facebook account several months ago. I'm not saying that's the best solution for everyone but Facebook started reminding me of high school drama with very little upside. And I became fed up with Facebook's constantly shifting definition of privacy settings and customer data. I don't miss it.
People I want to know are here and/or in my phonebook. The time I previously spent on Facebook is better used for real friends in person, or that thing called a voice call.
Hi Laurie
I had a really good post written and as usual the page refreshed and I lost the lot so will try and paraphrase what I was saying.
I think Moni has a really good point as I can remember feeling all sorts of anxiety before venturing out the door as Liz before going fulltime. I still get that anxiety but now the moment I am out the door the anxiety falls away and off I go. I cannot always pinpoint the cause but I do know that getting out more is better for me. The more I get out the4 better I feel and the better I feel the more I get out...
As far as Facebook goes I am rap[idly getting fed up with the constant "bubble" it leaves you in. I have used it to communicate with my family in the past but I suspect it has lost much of that appeal for me now as most don't even respond to my posts and it is complete Stoney silence when I post something trans related....I am considering removing myself quietly as I doubt anyone will really notice or maybe I will separate family and friends for a start.
Well, Laurie, if you need a reason to get out, the honey badgers would like some exercise chasing someone off, there's ample parking under my building for a wily huntress to hide her truck, and a pretty nice sofa bed for the victorious huntress. You'd have to stalk me at Mt Lassen or the ham radio license classes Oct 4-7, though, so be forwarned.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Hi peoples,
Thanks for the ideas. i didn't come on the boards yesterday because I was in a weird place yesterday. Not a bad place but neither a good one. I spent most of the day in bed., sleeping most of the time.
More fallout from deactivating faceplant came in the form of a message yesterday from a long time friend's wife when she noticed I was not on her friend list any more. In it she says "I am sorry that we aren't able to handle your transition, I have so many memories of you and am afraid to acknowledge you as a woman. I hope that makes sense. Bottom line is I love you and don't want to lose touch." So I guess that means I've lost another couple I care about.. but in a nice way. It still means the same thing. Shades of Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust" yep another one down, well two actually.
I wasn't going to hit the boards either but after seeing the news in Vegas at 2am and watching until after 4 before taking a nap, I thought there might be an increased need for moderators so I signed in. Thankfully there hasn't been any real impact here in Susan's yet. Perhaps everyone is still trying to process it and the anger and outrage will come later. God Bless you all and my sympathy to those that may have been involved or know someone that has been impacted by it.
I'm still waiting for the call to set an appointment with the shrink. The longer I wait the more I begin questioning if I need to. No there has been a magical recovery but I am feeling a bit better. Maybe I was overreacting.
currently i'm trying not to doze at the keyboard and losing so I will just go and crawl back into bed again.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDaD2G9xjMc
Sorry to hear about your friends, Laurie. I guess it's better that they did it nicely than nastily, but wanting to stay in touch with that other guy doesn't really cut it. Sad.
Quote from: Laurie on October 02, 2017, 04:49:05 PM
I'm still waiting for the call to set an appointment with the shrink. The longer I wait the more I begin questioning if I need to. No there has been a magical recovery but I am feeling a bit better. Maybe I was overreacting.
currently i'm trying not to doze at the keyboard and losing so I will just go and crawl back into bed again.
I am glad that you are feeling a bit better. But when the call comes with an appointment, take it. Wouldn't it be nice if he told you that you didn't need to see him after all? But realistically, you have some stuff to talk about. Better to deal with it with a professional.
Quote from: Laurie on October 02, 2017, 04:49:05 PM
More fallout from deactivating faceplant came in the form of a message yesterday from a long time friend's wife when she noticed I was not on her friend list any more. In it she says "I am sorry that we aren't able to handle your transition, I have so many memories of you and am afraid to acknowledge you as a woman. I hope that makes sense. Bottom line is I love you and don't want to lose touch." So I guess that means I've lost another couple I care about.. but in a nice way. It still means the same thing. Shades of Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust" yep another one down, well two actually.
Are you sure that that's what she meant? It seems to me like she thought you deleted her as a contact, and said that as in "maybe I'm not handling this as well as I though and you deleted me for that, but I don't want to lose touch". I mean if she really wanted to cut you off she wouldn't have sent anything in the first place.
Quote from: Charlie Nicki on October 02, 2017, 07:36:12 PM
Are you sure that that's what she meant? It seems to me like she thought you deleted her as a contact, and said that as in "maybe I'm not handling this as well as I though and you deleted me for that, but I don't want to lose touch". I mean if she really wanted to cut you off she wouldn't have sent anything in the first place.
Nicki
Yes Debbie did think I removed her from my friend list. I still have messenger and the list is intact but no one can see that due to the way the POS app works. Apps ALWAYS suck because they are written for idiots to use and normal people let them get away with it. But that a whole different bitch. regardless it doesn't change Debbie's words "we aren't able to handle your transition" and "afraid to acknowledge you as a woman."
It sounds like goodbye to me
no appointments being made today another wasted day
Okay folks,
I can see it and I'm sure you all are tired of it by now. I am becoming more and more negative here. This is not how I want to be seen. Because of this I'm going to try to limit my presence on Susan's Place to some updates and try to keep to a policy of, "if you can't say something nice keep you mouth shut". I know that if I don't like what i'm saying I'm sure you all don't either. If you catch me doing it feel free to let me know.
Quote from: Laurie on October 02, 2017, 08:04:36 PM
Nicki
Yes Debbie did think I removed her from my friend list. I still have messenger and the list is intact but no one can see that due to the way the POS app works. Apps ALWAYS suck because they are written for idiots to use and normal people let them get away with it. But that a whole different bitch. regardless it doesn't change Debbie's words "we aren't able to handle your transition" and "afraid to acknowledge you as a woman."
It sounds like goodbye to me
Laurie,
"Bottom line is I love you and don't want to lose touch." That to me seems pretty clear. The other part sounds like a statement of them wrestling with something foreign to them, transition of a loved one. Some people take time to figure it out. It would suck to write them off if there is hope. Your call.
Mponica
Quote from: HappyMoni on October 02, 2017, 08:58:34 PM
Laurie,
"Bottom line is I love you and don't want to lose touch." That to me seems pretty clear. The other part sounds like a statement of them wrestling with something foreign to them, transition of a loved one. Some people take time to figure it out. It would suck to write them off if there is hope. Your call.
Mponica
That's how I see it too. Saying you don't want to lose touch is a pretty clear statement, the others are too but it seems like she's saying that they are struggling, like anyone does, not that they don't want anything to do with you Laurie.
Quote from: Laurie on October 02, 2017, 04:49:05 PM
In it she says "I am sorry that we aren't able to handle your transition, I have so many memories of you and am afraid to acknowledge you as a woman. I hope that makes sense. Bottom line is I love you and don't want to lose touch." So I guess that means I've lost another couple I care about.. but in a nice way. It still means the same thing.
Good morning, Laurie,
I don't sleep well either. Except for those who outright disowned me, that's pretty much the same response I received from everyone except one brother and his family who are very supportive. When you feel up to it, do you live in an area where you can connect with a trans support group and make new friends? If not, is there any way you can relocate to a progressive city where you can make new friends? I know I'm very lucky to live in a larger, more progressive city, with a large LGBT community, although the state will throw me in jail for using the Lady's room, which I do any way. ;D Losing pretty much everyone in my life, I'm trying to make new friends. I found an inclusive non-religious church that advocates for social justice and LGBT rights. I started visiting a couple of weeks ago, met with a board member to learn more about them, and hope to find some love and friends there eventually. I'm trying to do some activities with my local Indian tribe like taking a language class - I'm a 'two-spirit' (trans) person.
If you have to change your environment to stay alive, do it. I know this is much easier said than done. Having virtual friends who love you here on Susan's Place is awesome, but we all need people around us in our lives who like us and some semblance of a social life to be healthy. I desperately need new friends and some sort of social life. Please see the shrink and give meds a chance to get you on your feet. I hate getting advice like this from other people, so consider this as just sharing how I'm trying to cope with the loss. If I'm intruding and giving unwelcome advice, please say so. It will not hurt my feelings. The bottom line for me is that I want to live. My favorite song is
"Alive in the World" by Jackson Browne. One of the lyrics is "I want to live in the world, not inside my head. I want to live in the world, not behind some wall."
Hugs and kisses :-*
Tommie
Laurie,
Lots of ups and downs since I last checked in--I am sad that you have been down a lot recently, but I don't think you should apologize for it. Everyone is happy to offer their support and love and encouragement to you, especially since you have touched many people's lives. We are all on Team Laurie here and we will stick with you through good and bad. Sending you lots of love! :-* Patti
I got a call from the VA today. No it wasn't the one I've been expecting so an appointment can be made to see a shrink to see if I should get an antidepressant or not. So another day goes by. Oh the call? It was the robocall to confirm my appointment on friday when I see my therapist again. I'm betting his appointment will happen before I get a call from the shrink.
I was feeling pretty good yesterday not the best but okay. Today not so much. Nothing serious mind you just kinda down and irritable with others. I've had a persistent headache for several days now and aspirin doesn't seem to help. My sleep has been a little erratic still. that's about it
oh i frogot I cleaned out the male clothes from my closet today except for a few flannel jacket / shirts The are in a bag and the stuff from my dresser was put in boxes about a nonth ago, I still haven't unpacked the bag of males clothes I took with me on my road trip. I'm guessing I don't really need them
So my Delta Tau Chi name is Persistent Headache? :laugh:
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Laurie on October 04, 2017, 07:21:32 PM
oh i frogot I cleaned out the male clothes from my closet today except for a few flannel jacket / shirts The are in a bag and the stuff from my dresser was put in boxes about a nonth ago, I still haven't unpacked the bag of males clothes I took with me on my road trip. I'm guessing I don't really need them
Good for you, Laurie! Purge that crap. I have no guy clothes left from my former male wardrobe, unless they're androgynous.
I watched a speech given on TV today in Las Vegas. It would have been better not delivered at all.
Quote from: Laurie on October 04, 2017, 07:21:32 PM
oh i frogot I cleaned out the male clothes from my closet today except for a few flannel jacket / shirts The are in a bag and the stuff from my dresser was put in boxes about a nonth ago, I still haven't unpacked the bag of males clothes I took with me on my road trip. I'm guessing I don't really need them
:eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap: :eusa_clap:
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 04, 2017, 07:24:50 PM
So my Delta Tau Chi name is Persistent Headache? :laugh:
Hugs, Devlyn
That one is good, Devlin. I had forgotten that bit of film trivia. I wont give it away so others have to figure it out on their own.
Your use of fraternity names made me think maybe TS need a sorority.
Tau Sigma is obvious.
Suggestions.
I can just imagine what you ladies are going to come up with.
I claim my sorority name as : Duhh
AND Laurie, make the shrink appointment and GO. Better to be proactive than post active.
All my man gear is in bags as well, must move it from the bedroom to charity shop.
When I started here and said I had started taking hormones they said it would be a roller coaster ride. I think I got on the wrong one. At least i have good music to listen to.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAGnKpE4NCI&list=RDbNCT6pA5I9A&index=26 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAGnKpE4NCI&list=RDbNCT6pA5I9A&index=26)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClQcUyhoxTg&list=RDbNCT6pA5I9A&index=27 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClQcUyhoxTg&list=RDbNCT6pA5I9A&index=27)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSUIQgEVDM4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSUIQgEVDM4)
In the last post I said I may have gotten on the wrong roller coaster. Today's ride has been a bit of a rough one and changed almost by the minute. may day started out by waking at 6 having gone to bed a little after 4am. I was okay for awhile and came on to Susan's reading various posts until I came to one I really didn't like. That started it. I wanted to put my 2 cents in and believe me I wasn't about to be nice about it. I got angry, angry at some of the posts I was reading there, angry at the people writing the posts. Then I got frustrated. I was frustrated with not being able to express my anger because I knew it would only get me into trouble if I did.
About this time my friend in Mizzery messages me to tell me someone else was wondering where I went since I deactivated my facebook. She wanted me to tell her what to reply to this other friend and I told her to tell her what i'd done and why if she wanted as I didn't care. Well that triggered her old hen mothering mode and got her concerned about me. Just the thing I needed to start my tears. So she start in with "put on a happy face .. or I will book a flight" (and she would too). I guess my response of "don't waste your money" then I told her I was just having a bad day. (Now I can picture here looking at plane schedules) She let it go when I told her I'll talk to my therapist tomorrow. Now I just feel somewhat down so it's an improvement.
Shortly after Liz comes on and we start talking and of course I have to bring up that damn thread that upset me earlier and sure as poo I get bent out of shape again and go into a death spiral. anger, and hate morph into self loathing and worthlessness to wishing I wasn't here. it took all of maybe 15 minutes. I felt sorry for Liz having to witness another of my meltdowns. Of course that helped be feel wonderful right? So now I am just in a rotten mood and it took awhile to get back out of it. and back to being okay again. I know I didn't relate it completely accurately but it gives you and idea of where my screwed up head takes me. It doesn't take much and I'm off feeling like crap again or crying or a lot of times both. I started some music on youtube I liked and eventually became okay again. Ready to do it all over again.
I feel sorry for my friends that get in the line of fire. Usually it is Liz that bears the brunt of it.
Speaking of therapy as I mentioned I have an appointment for late afternoon and I have nothing to talk to him about. ;) ;) ;) Yeah right. And no I didn't get a call from the psych people yet. I'm guessing it's because I don't need any more medications.
Any way the ride came to a complete stop and all is poised to start again.
I'm okay really
Hugs,
Laurie
Hey Laurie,
Has anyone told you you look lovely in your avatar? I hope you feel better today.
Tommie
Thank you Tommie I hope you have a great day too.
HUGS
Thank you Davina.
I am beginning to feel I need to stop reporting how messed up I feel because people are getting tired of reading about it. Well I am tired of living it but I'll try to tone it down a lot.
Quote from: Laurie on October 06, 2017, 03:04:22 PM
Thank you Davina.
I am beginning to feel I need to stop reporting how messed up I feel because people are getting tired of reading about it. Well I am tired of living it but I'll try to tone it down a lot.
We're here for ALL the ups and downs, never feel you can't unload if and when you need. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Hi All,
I'm up again after a longer sleep. Yup I had 3 1/2 hours yesterday morning and went to bed about 9:30 pm and woke up around midnight. So here I sit at 2:30am eating jalapeno slices while reading a few threads. Nothing unusual with that right? lol
Went to my therapy session yesterday and shed some more tears but less than last time. I can sum up a good part of the session by saying I am having acceptance issues and several different areas. I said so I have all these problems, so how do I fix them. He couldn't really tell me other than to say we need to talk and work on them. Apparently there no step by step instruction manual for Laurie and we need to play it by ear.
He told me I would be contacted by a nurse practitioner(he said her name) in the psyche department for assessment and probably an anti depressant. Maybe something to help me sleep more too. He said my lack of sleep could be making my depression more of a problem. He also said the female hormone probably make me feel depression differently, more internalized than before I started transition.
I wore a white with black dress I don't get much opportunity to wear and makeup, necklace and earrings. along with my "Be Different" bracelet a stranger had given me as an excuse to stop and talked with me a few months ago. I goofed and wore a washable mascara. (not advisable for tearful sessions) It wasn't too bad as I dabbed at the tears instead of rubbing them away.
I checked my appointments about an hour ago and realized i can't shave again, well not my upper lip area at any rate because that is where Christina will be torturing me again on Monday.
All in all not a bad day.
Hugs,
Laurie
(https://i.imgur.com/VaOFShX.jpg)
Simply gorgeous. You need to cheer up and go out trolling for men...or me. >:-)
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on October 07, 2017, 09:50:23 AM
Simply gorgeous. You need to cheer up and go out trolling for men...or me. >:-)
Hugs, Devlyn
Men haven't a chance with the competition.
Laurie you do look gorgeous. I wish I could do more to cheer you up, but it's good you are tackling things directly and have brought all this up with your health care providers.
One problem with a lack of sleep is you don't get enough sleep and can feel like you haven't had enough sleep.
Alright so maybe that's why I am not qualified to diagnose anything.
If I don't get my 8hrs I get ratty so how you are coping I don't know, but if it makes you look that good then maybe that's what I need?(probably not!!) more hugs.
Note to self: Look for the good points in your day and use them to get past the tears.
exactly. Qu Monty Python song--------------
OMG, Laurie! You're stunning in that dress, necklace and earrings! Girl, what the hell is wrong with you when you look that beautiful? Do you know how many women would kill to have your looks? Seriously.
Quote from: Tommie_9 on October 08, 2017, 07:02:19 PM
OMG, Laurie! You're stunning in that dress, necklace and earrings! Girl, what the hell is wrong with you when you look that beautiful? Do you know how many women would kill to have your looks? Seriously.
Thank you Tommie.
I'd like to know what's wrong with me too. At least I can cook. lol
Laurie, I think I understand your situation. I was a bit like this a year ago, and improvement was pretty slow over several months, alas. It is only recently, the past month or so, that I can see myself in a mirror as a woman, no more 'dude in a dress' whispers from the reptilian hindbrain where my self-image seems to live. My understanding is that the self-image lags well behind our presentation, and the constant mismatches can deepen depression and discomfort with ourselves.
I don't quite know if this is in play with you, but it definitely bit me and I thought I'd offer that.
Your pics look really good, fully femme. That hair, and that dress! Oh, wow. You're doing really well.
I know that when what others say doesn't match that stale self-image, that we discount the others and unfortunately have internalized that stale self-image. It just takes time...
You're going to do so well. You really are. Just hang in there, and let time (and HRT) do it's magic as you heal and grow into yourself. I have confidence in you.
With love and respect,
Michelle P
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Thank you Michelle,
I think you may have been at least somewhat right several weeks ago but I don't think it's that now.
Today, or rather yesterday, was a pretty good day. Probably because my day was focused on dinner. first going to the store. then, food prep, and then 2 1/2 hours of cooking followed with eating and lastly cleaning up my mess.
Hi Laurie. I LOVE the pic you posted--you look so lovely! I must know, what was your 2 & 1/2 hour cooking project?! I love love love to cook--yesterday my big cooking project was Thai green curry. It turned out very good & the hubby and I stuffed ourselves silly. I am glad that you are hanging in there. I hope that you hear from the NP soon. Sending you lots of love and big hugs!!
Quote from: p on October 09, 2017, 11:49:14 AM
Hi Laurie. I LOVE the pic you posted--you look so lovely! I must know, what was your 2 & 1/2 hour cooking project?! I love love love to cook--yesterday my big cooking project was Thai green curry. It turned out very good & the hubby and I stuffed ourselves silly. I am glad that you are hanging in there. I hope that you hear from the NP soon. Sending you lots of love and big hugs!!
Hi Patti,
Thank you for the compliment. My cooking project was cooking sweet & sour pork and pork fried rice from scratch for the first time. Following the recipes closely (I did make a couple minor modifications) one step at a time first making the rice as it could set a bit keeping it warm(I almost burnt it when I turned the wrong burner up high) and the going on to deep fry the pork for the sweet & sour. I'm sure cooking time could be cut some it you can cook different things simultaneously without getting confused.
Pictures are in my post I made in the cooking dinner topic here Laurie"s sweet & sour pork and pork fried rice (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,126609.msg2035529.html#msg2035529)
I got facial torture scheduled today and if the VA mental health department run true to form they'll call during it. But then I'm not holding my breath anymore on their calling. Today's electrolysis appointment is going to hurt a lot again as Christina will be continuing on my mustache area. But I like visiting her even if it hurts. If gives me someone to chat with. I get the feeling she actually cares about her clients.
I got my ten new bottles of nail polish a couple days ago but my nails are all short and unkempt since I had to trim the long ones back to the length of the many broken ones. I'll paint them but they won't be nice as they had been. Do I sound lake a vain woman? lol. even my toe nails look like crap and need redoing but I can't get motivated to do them.
Well since this reply has taken a down hill turn I'll end it here. Thanks again Patty. Keep smiling and that hubby happy.
hugs,
laurie
Quote from: Laurie on October 09, 2017, 12:25:53 PM
I got facial torture scheduled today and if the VA mental health department run true to form they'll call during it. But then I'm not holding my breath anymore on their calling. Today's electrolysis appointment is going to hurt a lot again as Christina will be continuing on my mustache area.
I got my ten new bottles of nail polish a couple days ago but my nails are all short and unkempt since I had to trim the long ones back to the length of the many broken ones. I'll paint them but they won't be nice as they had been.
Ha, ha, Laurie! I feel your pain. My mustache area is finally cleared but it was shear torture. As far as painting my fingernails and toenails, I'm terrible at it. I keep my nails nice, but I slop on the polish and it looks awful! I'd be better off not painting them, and sometimes I just use clear polish, which is't as much fun. :eusa_dance:
Much love and good vibes your way to have a great Tuesday!
Tommie
OMG, how did I miss the "what are you having for dinner?" thread?!?! I LOVE cooking--I am so excited to check that one out. Your dish looked so good--I have never tried Sweet & Sour. I imagine it's quite involved. Hope facial torture goes OK today! :-* P
Gee the sweet and sour looks so good. And the Deep Dish(like the Marianna trench) pizza too.
Keep this up and my failed attempt at losing a few pounds will be lost just by looking.
The whole electrolysis thing is on my to-do list for some day. Got other things to process first. But you go girl, keep it up.
Laurie, I think you are OCD about nail polish. It is cheaper than clothes or bags I guess. But find a balance. And I understand the whole toe thing. OMG they are way down there. Almost to the floor. If at our age they would just come up here a little closer than they would get more attention. Speaking of floors. Trying to figure out how to install 1500 sf of new flooring from waist level. Suggestions?
I do read your in-depth daily blogging. Great insights.
Hugs to you
Julie
Quote from: Laurie on October 09, 2017, 12:25:53 PM
Pictures are in my post I made in the cooking dinner topic here Laurie"s sweet & sour pork and pork fried rice (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,126609.msg2035529.html#msg2035529)
I got facial torture scheduled today and if the VA mental health department run true to form they'll call during it. But then I'm not holding my breath anymore on their calling.
I got my ten new bottles of nail polish a couple days ago but my nails are all short and unkempt since I had to trim the long ones back to the length of the many broken ones. I'll paint them but they won't be nice as they had been. Do I sound lake a vain woman? lol. even my toe nails look like crap and need redoing but I can't get motivated to do them.
hugs,
laurie
Sorry I haven't been around for a couple days and still not sure I should be here yet. I've been kinda wrapped up in myself lately. I tried staying away from the problems commonly posted here. I was also hiding from my own by by isolating and doing my best to just ignore them. It seemed to be working. No crying and no feeling bad or having bad thoughts. Pretty much not feeling anything, kind of numb, not caring about anything. It's preferable to what I was feeling before.
You've been missed, but never say sorry for looking after your own health, that's got to be priority for you, and we insist it is! X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Take the time & space that you need, Laurie. You think us nags are going anywhere?!?! No way girl, we are here to bother you until kingdom come. Big hugs!!! :-*
Quote from: Laurie on October 12, 2017, 12:03:24 PM
Sorry I haven't been around for a couple days and still not sure I should be here yet. I've been kinda wrapped up in myself lately. I tried staying away from the problems commonly posted here. I was also hiding from my own by by isolating and doing my best to just ignore them. It seemed to be working. No crying and no feeling bad or having bad thoughts. Pretty much not feeling anything, kind of numb, not caring about anything. It's preferable to what I was feeling before.
It's kind of how I've been feeling Laurie, too much introspection isn't good when you're depressed. My solution so far is to just get on with life, keeping busy doing the things I enjoy and not pandering to the things I don't. You are what you eat so to speak. At the end of the day we all deserve the right to be happy on whichever path we choose to follow.
You have a big heart Laurie, time to spread some of that love on yourself. Be well.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie.
Thank you Megan, Patti, and Sadie for the responses.
I have caught up on some sleep. After taking a muscle relaxer yesterday I crawled into bed about 6:30pm and went to sleep. I woke several times until could not go back to sleep again about 1am. At 1:45 I gave up and got up and bothered Liz until way past here bedtime. I woke from my 3rd nap of the day just about a half hour ago.
It was the last of the pills I had here so yesterday I asked my GP if I could get some more. They work really well for a sleep aid and usually affect me for about a day and a half. When I checked my mail today the new one were here already. Anyway I got some sleep. More than I've had in a long time. So physically I feel better than I have been. And I got more pills should I need them again.
Glad your getting sorted, just don't rely on the pills to much. Hugs again
Quote from: davina61 on October 14, 2017, 04:57:45 PM
Glad your getting sorted, just don't rely on the pills to much. Hugs again
I don't know about getting sorted, but I am getting some sleep.
Sleep is good... I know how you feel with 😴 deprivation but take it easy with those 💊 's natural sleep is better for you 😊
Thank you Markie and Davina for the warnings re: the pills. These are muscle relaxers with the side effect of kicking my butt and making me tired so I sleep. The last 30 I got lasted me 9 months. I was a drug abuser about 20 years ago so I know the hazard and these are not of the risky type. LOL My GP never gives me the good stuff.
That being said I did take another and slept most of the day and evening away. I've slept enough having wakened abruptly from the last one about 3am with my heart racing and angry and frustrated at them same time. I had a dream. The kind I usually have when I dream. A nightmare. This one had all my favorite components in it. cars, guns, dressing, a nasty angry ex wife being a bitch to me and a new one. My daughter has made it into my nightmares with her mother. Great huh? Just the way I want to think of my daughter. I hate dreaming.
I'd had enough sleep for awhile. I got up and it took a little while to calm down. Sadly Liz was up too so she took the brunt of my cool down. Sorry Liz. In a way it serves her right because she is always telling me i need to get enough sleep time to dream. Well I did. I'm good with short naps
I did mean sleep, dreaming ,yes have had a few odd ones lately which I find strange as don't normally remember dreams. Lets hope it helps your brain sort itself out.
Hi Laurie, glad you have been getting some more sleep lately. I know what you mean about the nightmares--I have been having a ton of panicked nightmares lately. Some of them are truly gruesome and horrifying experiences. Even the more manageable ones involve some element of constant anxiety or frustration.
I just visited a local group for the first time in a few months, and I must say that it did me a world of good to go and see a room full of trans people who are at various points along their respective paths and to hear from them. I also ended up eating with someone I really admire from the group and it seems like we are going to start hanging out a little bit socially. She is a trans girl about my age. The experience really made me wonder, Why did I stay away from that group for so long? I know it was partly because I felt like it was a hassle to go and I didn't want to give up my free time. But I am so so glad that I did, and there is something special about connecting with people in person (at least for me).
I am always thinking of you & rooting for you, Laurie! XOXOXO :-*
Quote from: p on October 16, 2017, 03:42:47 PM
... there is something special about connecting with people in person (at least for me).
I am always thinking of you & rooting for you, Laurie! XOXOXO :-*
Thank you for being there for me Patti. I couldn't expect anything less from my Number 1 fan now could I? And I have to agree with you "there is something special about connecting with people in person" and I have met with some of the finest ladies ever.
No relaxer pill yesterday so my sleep last night was back to normal, about 3 1/2 hours. Today was a bit of a rough one this afternoon for several hours but I okay for now.
Love ya all,
Laurie
Hey Laurie,
Sorry I've been away. I don't like to check in and find you saying that 3 1/2 hours is a normal night's sleep. You're not letting this Moderation gig consume you so you don't get outside for your walks, are you? You need that "me" time, and I don't mean sleeping with nightmares!
As others say here (often) you have a big heart with a lot of love in it. You freely slather it over many of us, to our benefits. Save some for yourself too. We all benefit when you benefit.
Take care, love
Randy
Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk
Quote from: RandyL on October 16, 2017, 11:41:14 PM
Hey Laurie,
Sorry I've been away. I don't like to check in and find you saying that 3 1/2 hours is a normal night's sleep. You're not letting this Moderation gig consume you so you don't get outside for your walks, are you? You need that "me" time, and I don't mean sleeping with nightmares!
As others say here (often) you have a big heart with a lot of love in it. You freely slather it over many of us, to our benefits. Save some for yourself too. We all benefit when you benefit.
Take care, love
Randy
Hi Stranger,
Thank you for the advice. Were it that simple. You've missed a bit. To get the story you would need to back up to my entry on August 27th. It's a long story but to shorten up a bit. My world has gone to hell and my therapist wants me to see a psychiatrist to get put on antidepressants if they deep it necessary. If they ever call me to make an appointment I will go talk to them and see what they say. lol simply put I've got issues. Of that there is no doubt. Lack of sleep is but one symptom.
I hope all is well with you and Jacqui. Please tell her hi for me.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi folks,
Erratic sleep continues to be about 3 hour naps at irregular times. This works out well for me to bother Liz all night... well my night but her day. for example I took a nap around 7pm yesterday evening and was up again a bit before 10 watched some TV and got back on the computer and bothered Liz until 5am this morning at which time I took another tried to take another nap. I think I fell asleep about 5:20 or so only to be waken by my phone about 7:45am.
Now here's the good? part... I wasn't quite ready to be awake but managed to see it was the VA calling so I answered it. It was the scheduler for the mental health group calling to schedule and appointment with the psychiatric people for assessment of my current state of mind and possibly a prescription for an antidepressant. I almost scheduled the offered Nov 6th but them woke up enough to asked if there was something sooner mentioning I had already been waiting for 2 weeks. He then offered Oct 24th which I took. All the time he referred to me as Leonard. So much for adding an alias to my VA info and disappointment in that the MHD has been the only group to be using Laurie for me consistently. I did correct him at the end of the call.
This week I only had electrolysis schedule and that was yesterday. I prepped and arrived just before noon only to discover I was 2 hours early. Sigh. Back home I ate lunch, looked at Susan's for a bit the reprepped my mustache area this time using Aspercreme. (4% lidocaine) I recovered it and arrived on time about 5 minutes early. I didn't feel as numbed as I had been with the EMLA cream I had used earlier. She worked on my upper lip for the hour again and there is definitely signs of bare spots now. This is the 3rd hour exclusively on the upper lip. It did hurt quite a bit again, more so that last time and it brought tears to my eyes again. Halloween will be the 4th hour spent thinning the upper lip forest.
That's about it for an update on me. Life continues with it's ups and downs but mostly a numbness prevailing. Perhap today will be better.
Hugs,
Laurie
Wow, an hour on just the upper lip? She would need a bucket with how runny my nose gets doing the upper lip! Glad to hear you were able to get your appointment for mental health care. I have found that I get deadnamed a lot in the healthcare process; it's so frustrating! I think I am going to start on the legal name change soon so that there is no reason for confusion. Hope you're well, Miss Laurie J! Thinking of you always! :-*
Thanks Patti, Yes this was my 3rd hour session on the upper lip and more to go . I want it done.. It does hurt but when it is done the rest will be easier. As far as using my legal name is concerned it hasn't bothered me that much but I'm finding I prefer Laurie more .
Hope all is well with you girly girl. How I wish I had your youth. sigh.
Hugs,
Laurie
All is...okay. I made a Facebook profile (yay!) but I keep getting locked out of my account and asked to provide a picture of myself to verify my identity (four times now!). I have had to appeal to Facebook twice to turn my account back on, and yet another time the picture I uploaded was accepted for some reason instead of their rejecting me. At any rate, today I thought it was turned back on for good & I friended a good number of people, but sadly it got shut back down again. I am getting a little frustrated / worried that this will keep happening to me forever, hence rendering Facebook a somewhat unreliable service for me. At any rate, it's small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. :-* Patti
Patti
What seems to be the problem with FB? Why is it locking you out?
Hi Folks,
Nothing much happening here. Just killing time before my appointment with the shrink on Tuesday. Early yesterday afternoon found me snoozing at the keyboard for several minutes again. That's my clue that is nap time again so I headed for my bed but took another muscle relaxer pill hoping to sleep longer. The relaxing/ knock out phase takes quite awhile to kick in so in less that 3 hours I was up again as usual. I spent some time reading posts but getting more tired all the time. Eventually I hit the rack again. I was up one more time for a bit I think (I wasn't really here lol) but went back to bed and slept from then to 7 this morning waking several time but going right back to sleep. So I should be well rested. Instead I feel groggy and thick headed. One positive is my daily headache is gone for the moment.
All in all it was a good way to waste another day. Not sure why it matters or even if it matters.
Laurie
Thanks for the update, Laurie. It matters to me how you spend your days :) I hope your appointment on Tuesday goes well.
Hi anyone still reading these updates. I thank you.
Yesterday, I was having a pretty good day, even responding to posts with responses that weren't forced or without any substance as I feel I've been doing for weeks. It felt good to be actively participating again. This lasted into the night until talking with Liz (I do this a lot) and we were discussing going forward from where we are in our transition today. I'm proud of the way she has taken obstacles to her moving forward and found solutions for them to arrive at the point where all she next to do next is to make a phone call and get her GCS scheduled.
Unfortunately and naturally it got me talking about my own situation. I not sure where I am going. I am not sure I can move forward. I am of course on HRT and will continue. I am having electrolysis done, and will continue. I have just begun voice therapy, and will continue. And I am getting therapy, and that too will continue. But that is as far as I can see my transition going. I cannot even get a name change done for legal issues. There is one question on the form that if I answer honestly will throw a monkey wrench into the works. I keeps me from even trying because lying will also get me in trouble.
Talking to Liz about it got me feeling bad and open that dark hole I am prone to crawl into from time to time. In short I had another short melt down. I jump right into that hole of wretchedness and spiraled right down to near bottom. I hate myself. Down to where I feel I no longer want to be here. Down to where I want all my anguish and hurt and tears to go away. Down to where I want to go away and never return. There's one more level to the bottom and I haven't gone there yet. That last step is final, yet it is tempting. It can be the end of all my pain. I've there once. I chickened out that time. I'm afraid one of these times I will go there again and not stop until I'm at peace.
I know I sound like a drama queen and I hate that too. It didn't last long last night before I got a hold of myself again and got my emotions under control, dried my tears and sucked it up again. Apologizing to Liz. I feel awful with the crap she sees from me. I get angry, I cry and wallow in self pity. I curse and rage. And through it all she helps me. Talks to me. Makes me think and sees things about myself. Sometimes she gives me hope.
Tomorrow I go see a shrink. I don't want to, but I have to. I can't keep on like this. Either they can help me or I'll end up dead at my own hands. Tomorrow morning I'll talk to the psychiatric nurse practitioner and listen what she has to say. I am afraid of what that may be but short of locking me up (I have seen police there a few times) I'll do what she suggests. My appointment is at 8:50 and at 9:00am. Why they gave me two times I don't know. So by 10am I should know the verdict.
Wish me luck,
Laurie
You won't create peace, just a bunch of shattered lives.
Hugs, Devlyn
I'm sure many read your posts, sometimes with joy at your happiness, sometimes sharing your sadness.
You are loved and valued by many here, and your absence would be difficult to bear for many including myself.
As always, feel free to contact me if you need to talk. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Megan and Devyln
Thank you both for replying. Please note I don't feel that bad all of the time. In fact most of the time I don't. Even when I feel bad I don't go there but occasionally something triggers it. It wasn't for very long last night and it usually isn't. But it does happen and it is a bad place to be.
I keep my depression hidden elsewhere pretty well. My sister has no idea. She's never seen me crying over nothing. Though we live in the same apartment we pretty much live alone. On the other hand Liz has seen it the most. She's seen me melt down many times. As dismal as this thread has been it hasn't shown all of it. In retrospect I probably shouldn't have posted my last post. It doesn't help anyone. It doesn't help me.
Hiding your feelings from your friends certainly won't help, that is the one piece of advice I can give from bitter experience.
Good or bad, up or down, we want to hear. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Laurie, I'm still here and still listening. And still caring. Don't hesitate to post what's going on. Nobody here is going to abandon you. Liz has the background to help you that most of us don't, but that doesn't mean you can't keep us up to date.
I've been encouraged by your more frequent and helpful posts lately. That's the real Laurie I know. Betcha that shrink knows how to help, so listen to the good doctor.
Steph(anie)
Hey, Laurie, I haven't read your whole thread, but I've seen your last few posts and things sound awful. I'm really sorry you're going through all this. I'm on disability for depression and go through some really dark times myself, so I feel like I know where you're coming from. I'm not sure how your dr's appointment went, but I'd like to advise you to advocate for yourself in the mental health system. It can be really hard to do when you don't feel good, but in my experience it's the only way to get help. Only a very few, lucky people get an effective doctor and treatment regimen on the first try. Most have to try more than one medication level/type and sometimes more than one doctor. Antidepressants take time to work, so you have to be patient, but don't be too patient. If you've been on a medication for a few weeks and it's doing little or nothing for you, start insisting that the doctor make alterations. Don't be afraid to "bother" them by calling and giving them updates on how you're doing. Monitoring your mental health is their job. Most important, please don't get discouraged and give up if your first try at medication isn't successful. Keep at it until the clouds finally break. Your life has value and is worth saving.
Since I don't work, I'm around a lot if you ever need to talk. PM me any time you like.
Darling I hope you have found some help, don't stop posting your feelings no matter how "bad" they are, just putting them down helps (we it helps me) , been missing the "road trip" Laurie so lets hope she comes back soon (if you see what I mean ) . Wish I was better at righting (and speeling) what I want to say,much better speaking face to face so if your like me a good talk with the doc should do you good, have my fingers crossed XXXXXXX
Laurie, we really care. Here's to having a good doctor visit tomorrow and more positive thoughts. I think about ya a lot.
Good evening everyone,
And a hi to Ben, thank you for the advice. Thank you to the rest of you. Your responses show me that you all care and as some of you know for me it is a problem. Though it is a problem for me I want you to know I do not want you to stop as I need that too. It is one of the reasons I haven't responded until now. another is that I don't know how to process people caring about me. I think I crave that caring but at the same time I don't feel worthy of it. I think this is at least in part because I feel I have ruined and lost everything I held dear in my life. So it is my coping mechanism to push people away when they get too close. Just trying to write this response is taking me a little while and I now am in tears and have a headache. If that isn't enough it is thoughts like these and talking about these feeling that can cause that dark hole to open below me that I fall into and spiral down the more I dwell on it That is how it was last night talking with Liz. It doesn't necessarily take much to send me in that death spiral. Time to switch subjects.
Deep breaths. Blow the nose. Wipe away the tears.
Today I've felt pretty good and this evening I told my sister I had an early appointment explaining I need to get up early so I can be ready and leave in time for my 8:50 appointment. When she ask what this appointment was for I responded that they wanted me to see a shrink and left it at that. She doesn't really question me much about my appointments. I guess she figures if I wanted her to know more I would tell her. I don't. She knows nothing of my being depressed. I plan of keeping it that way.
Anyway it's been a pretty good day. I am not sure what I feel about my appointment tomorrow. I do not know what to expect, and I am not looking forward to it. I'll find out in under 9 1/2 hours. I will be there and I will talk to them openly and with honesty.
It will likely be no big deal, so no reason to let my thoughts go wild.
Hugs,
Laurie
I hope today goes well for you Laurie, and that you make some progress. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
I can help you on the topic of what to expect. The waiting room will be like visiting any other doctor. They'll want to see your license and insurance card, etc. No one there will be staring at you or silently judging you for being there. The receptionist sees nothing but people with psyche appointments all day long, and the other patients are there for the same reason. They'll probably have you fill out paperwork about why you're there and your general medical history.
The doctor will want to do introductions with you, and then they'll probably ask you to explain in brief why you're there. (Even though you just wrote that down. It's a thing.) If they're a good psychiatrist, they'll keep their questions focused on the areas you've identified as wanting help with. They should not be asking nosy questions about your transition, unless you've brought it up as something you want to talk about. Gender identity is no longer considered a disorder, and they should definitely not try to "cure" you of being trans. (If they do, find another doctor ASAP.) Toward the end of the interview, the doctor will probably ask you if you have any questions. You might want to write some down so you can remember them when they ask. Some questions that might be worth asking include: "Why did you choose to try me on this particular medication?" (They will probably start you on something.) "How does the medication work? If I have a bad reaction to the meds, or if I just feel worse in general, how can I contact you during non-business hours? How long should I expect to wait before these meds start to work? If they don't help me, what then? What is the usual prognosis for patients like me?"
I also like to check out a new doctor's office, looking at any framed diplomas about where they went to school, what board certifications they have, what books are in the bookshelf (indicates areas of specialty), office decor that clues you in as to their personality, etc. Some psychiatrists share offices, though, so the place may be pretty generic.
A good shrink is like a miracle worker. Here's hoping you get one of the best!
Quote from: The Flying Lemur on October 24, 2017, 07:25:29 AM
A good shrink is like a miracle worker. Here's hoping you get one of the best!
Thank you Ben,
And I really do thank you for taking the time an effort to write that up. It was very thoughtful of you. One piece of information that you haven't picked up as yet is that I get my medical through the VA. The Mental Health Department it the Portland VA Medical Center is all in the same place and I go there for my Gender Therapy sessions. It is one common waiting room and the doctor fetches their patients from there and escorts them back to their respective offices. So up to that point I know what it's all about.
The part I didn't know is how this particular visit will be conducted. It is there that your narrative is likely to be of service. That you for it. I have no expectation nor do I have any particular feeling toward having to see these people other than they may be able to help me with my problems and about that I am not even sure I care that much either. One way or another I will find a way to stop hurting inside. Drinking my feelings away doesn't work. I've tried that. Drugs might and the ones they may give me today are probably a better idea than me starting street drugs again. I'll give them a chance.
Before this goes any further south I'll just thank you again Ben and get ready to go.
Thanks,
Laurie
Oh, I see! Sorry . . . that's what I get for not reading all the pages of the thread. :p I fear I don't know much about the VA. Even still, I hope today will bring you hope and peace.
I am assuming that you are in your appointment right now--I hope that it's going well! I know that things can get very, very dark in a hurry for you. Please stay strong for us and all those who love and cherish you Laurie. :-*
Well the appointment went okay I guess. I survive it with minimal tear flow. She seems to be a nice person and not intent on locking me up but rather more focused on medications. I gave her a bit of my history on a nutshell in trying to explain what I believe to be the reasons I have emotional issues and the roots of this depression.
She prescribed melatonin for me to take after supper and told me to go to bed at a decent time each night. No daytime naps and exercise would help. Speaking of exercise I haven't been going for my walks for quite some time, maybe even since all this crap began. As a result I've gained 3 of the 8 lbs I lost back. I am up to 199 lbs again.
She also prescribed sertraline hcl (Zoloft) to start with as a trial to see if it's will help. Take the pills and someone will check with you in 2 weeks and come back in a month. Something got messed up at the VA pharmacy and I waitd almost 2 hours for the meds to get filled. But I got them and have already started to Zoloth. the meletonin is for after supper.
Well there's the update. Time will tell if it helps.
Hugs,
Laurie
I am glad to hear that the appointment went okay for you today. It sounds like the therapist had some good lifestyle recommendations as well as some meds to offer. I hope that they give you some relief. Always thinking of you Laurie! :-*
Thanks for the update Laurie. I can't stress the value of exercise enough, getting out into nature (natural or man-made) helps give perspective. X
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Glad to hear, Laurie. I agree, exercise & outdoors can help you feel much better.
I'm glad to hear the appointment went reasonably well, even though you had to wait. Zoloft helps a lot of people. Maybe once you're sleeping again and back to walking, the meds will help push you over the top to wellness again.
Sleep well! Glad your appointment went well.
Thanks everyone,
I took the zoloft as directed ( lower dose for 6 days then full after) after getting home. And about 1 1/2 hours later I started feeling a bit weird thick headed, a little woosey and a bit drowsy the feeling has persisted. it reminiscent of my drug days over over 20 years ago. After supper I too a melatonin pill too. my head still feels strange, thick and like a headache is hiding in there ready to pounce with a bit of tiredness. I'm ready to hit the rack (been ready for a couple hours) So I'm going to say goodnight and see if I sleep longer than the usual 3 hours.
Night folks,
Laurie
Sleep:
I slept more last night going to bed around 10:30 but woke up at least 5 times between then and 5 am. I'd have to describe it as more fitful than restful.
The first time a little after midnight and I woke in a panic thinking I had heard someone telling me my sister was having a heart attack. I had to get up and check on her. she was sleeping fine. Between then and when I got up at 5:15 am I woke 4 more times having a little trouble getting comfortable before falling back to sleep. Maybe tonight will bring better results.
I'm supposed to take my morning zoloft with my other pills at breakfast but in light of the strange feeling yesterday I'll hold off until I return from taking my sister to her doctor's appointment.
There the morning after update for those interested.
Hugs,
Laurie
Big hugs... hope you can settle into a routine that includes real sleep.
Hi Laurie! It sounds like day 1 was bearable. I know what you mean about the weird feeling in your head, that has happened to me before. I think it can take a week or two to steady out. I'm so happy that you are taking these steps to confront and deal with your depression. It is so hard to do, so I give you a lot of credit for sticking with the program. Be kind to yourself, lovely. :-*
Thank you Kendra and Patti for the encouragement. Day 2 is just starting with the next dose of zoloft taken a few minutes ago. We'll see if the weirdness continues. With the exception of the strangeness yesterday, the day went pretty good. I think the only tears involved were in the shrink nurse's office. I call that a better day right there.
Another thing. On the way to my sister's appointment I told her what my appointment yesterday was about. So she now knows of my depression and that I'm taking medication for it. Up until then she had no idea I'd been having problems. I have gotten pretty good at hiding things over the years. That doesn't apply to this forum. Here I am as open and honest as I am able to be. I am not used to asking for help, but here I get it without asking. Thank you all.
Hugs,
Laurie
Day 4 on Zoloft is started. I switched to taking it at night and yesterday almost all the weirdness was gone. Today looks like it will be like yesterday. Yesterday was a good day. it's too early to be the Zoloft so I will chalk it up to having gone in Tuesday to talk with the Psych nurse, telling her all that I thought had something to do with my depression, and getting the melatonin to help me sleep and the Zoloft antidepressant. In other words a placebo effect from doing something to get help. I do not trust that it will continue though. The last 3 days have been nice as I haven't had a crying event or a mini meltdown during them. Those 3 days represent a long time as I cannot remember one day free of feeling bad since this started.
I went to therapy and my therapist and I chatted a little about he vacation to Hawaii and my having lived there as a teenager. When we did get started he wanted to know why I seemed to be feeling better. I hadn't thought about it but he was right I was feeling better and it showed. I hope it continues. Much like my conversation with the Psych nurse we talked about what I though my depression was about and where I thought its real origins lay. I think there has been a great many things leading up to it and this isn't my first brush with it. Back in 1994/1995 I came close to doing myself in culminating with me wandering off into a forest sitting with my back against a tree and the barrel of a shotgun in my mouth trying to work up the courage to pull the trigger I've revisited those feelings several times this time around though it hasn't gotten to the point of taking any action like back then. It is a horrible place to be. Those issue back in 1994/95 never were addressed just put into a leaky box and shoved in a dark corner of my mind. The issues with my daughter has caused them to return. I truly believe I have lost my daughter and because of that my five grandchildren for good. That alone is enough for me to question continuing this existence. It's sad but the hopeless feelings are still there. whew enough down that road.
On a happier note. It looks like I better get cleaned up a little bit and put my face on for a trip to the mall. It' going to be a first for me! though I've been out to various stores since going full time I have yet to go to the mall. I ordered a pair of winter boots from J C Penny and to save on shipping I ordered them ship to store for pick up. The pick up is in the middle of the store upstairs. I figure since I'm going to be in the mall anyway I may as well take a stroll around at have a look to see what catches my eye. Too bad I haven't a girlfriend here to go with me. Oh well I'l manage.
I even managed 7 hours of sleep last night for the first time in a very long time. It was difficult to stay away until 10 pm but I had a nag online that would let me take a nap. I got 5 hours of sleep waking up 4 times between 10pm and 3am. then I had trouble getting back to sleep again and gave up after about an hour and started listening to my current audio book about 15 -30 minutes into it I fell asleep again and slept about 2 more hours I think. My longest sleep periods when I do sleep are usually the first and last periods with the last being unplanned like this time. Anyway I woke and felt rested (another scarce feeling)
I'm looking forward to another good day today.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on October 27, 2017, 02:20:48 PMYesterday was a good day.
...because of our phone conversation. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.
Steph(anie)
Quote from: Steph2.0 on October 27, 2017, 02:49:05 PM
...because of our phone conversation. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.
Steph(anie)
That was yesterday wasn't it. Yes that was another good thing for sure.
Quote from: Laurie on October 27, 2017, 02:20:48 PM
I truly believe I have lost my daughter and because of that my five grandchildren for good. That alone is enough for me to question continuing this existence. It's sad but the hopeless feelings are still there.
I can't imagine how that and everything else you've gone through must feel, but don't question continuing this existence. From all of the posts I have read it is obvious that you are a close friend and sister to many. It may be selfish of me to say so, but if anything happened to you it would be a devastating blow to every member of Susan's Place.
Quote from: MaryT on October 27, 2017, 06:39:03 PM
I can't imagine how that and everything else you've gone through must feel, but don't question continuing this existence. From all of the posts I have read it is obvious that you are a close friend and sister to many. It may be selfish of me to say so, but if anything happened to you it would be a devastating blow to every member of Susan's Place.
Thank you for that Mary. I do not doubt that I have many friends an sisters here. They, you and Susan's Place mean a lot to me. My immediate family was my life and I've lost them all. I think my sister needing my support and this site has had a lot to do with me still being here. As I said I have had those dark thoughts but stop short of feeling I need to take action on them. At such times you are overwhelmed and thoughts of the impact on others are far from your thoughts, you just want the hurting to stop.
Hugs,
Laurie
The mind is a powerful thing. All our sensations and senses, perception and knowledge get smooshed through this thing between our ears (ok so I'm obviously not a neurosurgeon). Chemicals and electricity and stuff yakkin at all those neurons. Add to that our unique backgrounds, desires and future. Now I sound like I am rambling... what I'm trying to say is Laurie there are so many variables and at least now with the right professionals and your support network (here) I do think you have nicer days ahead. Gradually.
Laurie;
I was very happy to read that you are getting the details of your Zoloft dosing tweaked in. That is something that has been immensely helpful to someone close to me, in feeling better and being able to function well on that medication.
Once we can think straight, even with chemical aid, it becomes possible to think about stuff, from the trivial to ourselves, our past, about our path through life, and our goals. I hope you will find some good guidance in this from your therapist, and I very much hope you will find clarity for yourself and your way forward.
I hope to meet you someday. We can compare notes.
Michelle P.
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Michelle,
I am as happy as I can be about you successful surgery and your return home. I was thinking of visiting you in between appointments this time but have once again put it off. I think it is probably too soon in your recovery for visitors and will wait until you are once again able to implement some of those defenses you purport to have in place. At the moment you are too much of a sitting duck and as defenseless as Mo?.. wait a minute I'll get it Mi? no Munnie, yeah that's it as defenseless as Munnie was when I hunted her down. She will get another chance someday but now the weather is not going to cooperate. Your day will also come, I promise you.
Thank you both Kendra and Michelle for your thoughts.
As for me, I'm finding staying up until 10 pm a challenge without a nap during the day which would be against doctor's orders. So when 10 rolls around I am tired and sleepy. Yet I still wake after between 2-3 hours of sleep I am able to go back to sleep however fairly easily for about 30 minute to 1 hour increments after until around 3am when it become difficult and I give up and listen to my audio book or turn on the tv news doing this the last 2 days has resulted in a last sleep period of about 2 hours. After that I'm up for the day. This is resulting in about 7 hours a night of quite broken sleep. What I have referred to as a series of naps. It isn't ideal but it is better than the 4-5 hours a day I was getting between a daytime nap and sleep at night.
Though I have to describe the last few days as good, I still struggle with finding a motive to continue. My family is all but gone. I'm continuing hrt, electrolysis, and now voice because they are already in progress. Other than that my transition is at a stand still. I feel I lack motivation or a good reason for it. I find a lifetime of problems it has caused me instead. Am I doing good? Maybe sometimes. Other times the best I can say is that I exist, I go on. I wear a mask I frequently do not feel.
This post is an example of my thoughts. They start out good and digress from there. This happens over and over now. I can't say I like it but I also can't seem to stop it. It is like my crossdressing before I accepted it was just a part of me, something I had to do and was helpless to stop no matter how I tried. It is pervasive, subtle and sneaks out and into my thoughts often. this is not what I intended to talk about in this post but here it is. I ask your indulgence.
Laurie
No, no indulgence granted. You are on here to talk about your feelings. I am put on this earth to give you a hard time about feeling bad about doing it. ;D So, my friend, be a little patient getting that motivation back. Rome wasn't built in a day. I know, I was there.
Ma ma ma Moni
Thank you Moni. Just having you post was nice and your words brought me a smile.
Love ya,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on October 28, 2017, 12:32:03 PM
Michelle,
I am as happy as I can be about you successful surgery and your return home. I was thinking of visiting you in between appointments this time but have once again put it off. I think it is probably too soon in your recovery for visitors and will wait until you are once again able to implement some of those defenses you purport to have in place. At the moment you are too much of a sitting duck and as defenseless as Mo?.. wait a minute I'll get it Mi? no Munnie, yeah that's it as defenseless as Munnie was when I hunted her down. She will get another chance someday but now the weather is not going to cooperate. Your day will also come, I promise you.
Laurie, you may have forgotten a few details...
1) I identify as femme lesbian with a 30% smidge of genderqueer...
2) I like Wicked Grounds... Oh, for the coffee, of course...
3) I am just now ramping up my estradiol after a long dry spell
There are... forces... at play beyond your ken.
You might find yourself rendered helpless between my hugs and kisses, and some really neat tricks I can do with my scarves. You DO realize that you are starting to look pretty darn cute, don't you?
In my realm this predator/prey thing may not follow the expected roles.
[emoji79][emoji316][emoji68][emoji441]
Quote from: Laurie on October 28, 2017, 12:32:03 PM
Though I have to describe the last few days as good, I still struggle with finding a motive to continue. My family is all but gone. I'm continuing hrt, electrolysis, and now voice because they are already in progress. Other than that my transition is at a stand still. I feel I lack motivation or a good reason for it. I find a lifetime of problems it has caused me instead. Am I doing good? Maybe sometimes. Other times the best I can say is that I exist, I go on. I wear a mask I frequently do not feel.
This post is an example of my thoughts. They start out good and digress from there. This happens over and over now. I can't say I like it but I also can't seem to stop it. It is like my crossdressing before I accepted it was just a part of me, something I had to do and was helpless to stop no matter how I tried. It is pervasive, subtle and sneaks out and into my thoughts often. this is not what I intended to talk about in this post but here it is. I ask your indulgence.
Laurie
Unfortunately this does sound familiar. I was pretty down when I had lost my family, my home, and was thrown out a year ago. That marks the start of my Real Life Experience. It was not planned that way, certainly.
One thing I did early on was resolve that in spite of that lovely prediction from my ex that I would be alone, that I would find a community, find new friends, and perhaps someday build a new family.
I did this, and it has been incredibly beneficial.
In my case, for community I sought out an open and accepting religious congregation that I thought I could be comfortable within, and aligned with my simple spiritual needs. That was a Unitarian Universalist congregation, through connections that led back to people I had admired in my old life.
With them I had a place to go on Sundays, certainly, and I could meet and converse with people at their coffee klatches after services. There were also social and spiritual activities. My Thanksgiving dinner last year was with them, and many other UU members who had no family to go to. I baked goodies for a Christmas brunch there.
I got more involved, with their social justice activities, and found my inner activist.
Somewhere along the line, I made friends. Many friends, like the ones watching over me tonight.
I'm not saying you should run off and join a church or anything drastic like that, but that you keep an eye out for community groups you might participate in, with their built-in networks and potential friends.
Just a suggestion based on what worked for me. There are many paths...
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Hi Laurie,
I know that things are still super hard right now. Have faith that you are at the beginning of a healing process. I am glad to hear that you are getting more sleep. Big hugs!!!
Today I was reflecting about how I have not been posting much on other threads. I still read a lot of them but very few do I comment on and those that I do are short and pretty neutral in content. I found that anything I am likely to say has nothing of substance. I have nothing to give. Encouragement and hopes are hollow sounding to me if I try to convey them to someone that could use it. More likely my own hopelessness comes through. This feeling I have that i have ruined and lost everything that I ever held dear haunts my thoughts. the words 'nothing else matters" go round and round in my head. I find I don't care, not really. I continue to do things that I have started because I have nothing else to do. they don't really matter to me.
I'm no longer crying, I'm not mad or upset. Rather I am calm. It no longer matters.
I've had dark thoughts before but then they visited and got a voice when I was upset, emotional, having a meltdown. This was different. It was calm, calculated. I could have done it but the thought passed. It doesn't scare me I guess it wasn't time. It doesn't matter. Nothing else matters.
Laurie,
Your post is very upsetting to me. I hate the idea that you are thinking this way. I know you are in a bad place right now, but you can never give in to, "It doesn't matter, nothing matters." As much as you might be pulled in that direction, you can't allow yourself to go there. You didn't survive the crap you have gone through to just drift away. Find your new purpose, find your motivation. Get out of the house and get with people, maybe volunteer were you can make a difference. Cooperate and inform doctors of your thoughts. You need to fight and fight hard. Go through the motions at first until you believe it cause when you fight, you will get out of this. Never give in!
Love,
Moni
If that damp patch wasn't in the way I would come round and give you a BIG hug and drag you out some place . Now I never have enough time in the day to worry about stuff so maybe that's what you need as Mingy said get out and find friends/work / volunteer . Hang on in there , some thing always turns up
Laurie, I'm sending you a great big squishy hug. X
I'll only reiterate what others have said, get out there! Transition can often mark an end to one stage in our lives, but also the start of a new one. Grab it, make it yours, and it will bring you happiness. X
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Quote from: Laurie on November 03, 2017, 03:07:49 PM
Today I was reflecting about how I have not been posting much on other threads. I still read a lot of them but very few do I comment on and those that I do are short and pretty neutral in content. I found that anything I am likely to say has nothing of substance. I have nothing to give. Encouragement and hopes are hollow sounding to me if I try to convey them to someone that could use it. More likely my own hopelessness comes through. This feeling I have that i have ruined and lost everything that I ever held dear haunts my thoughts. the words 'nothing else matters" go round and round in my head. I find I don't care, not really. I continue to do things that I have started because I have nothing else to do. they don't really matter to me.
Oh dear, this sounds awfully familiar, too. Laurie, no two ways about it, depression stinks. And unfortunately, when depressed, reading what feels like the same tales, told over and over with small variations, from new folks and some old ones, can feel mind-numbing.
It can be worth taking a break, and doing something wildly different in life for a few days, to refresh ourselves, replace stale stimuli we are far too accustomed to with freshness and vitality. It can be something as simple as resolving to get out of the house and walk for hours, or taking a short trip.
Chance can help us bust through depression, or at least inspire us to set it aside for a little while.
Quote from: Laurie on November 03, 2017, 03:07:49 PMI'm no longer crying, I'm not mad or upset. Rather I am calm. It no longer matters.
I've had dark thoughts before but then they visited and got a voice when I was upset, emotional, having a meltdown. This was different. It was calm, calculated. I could have done it but the thought passed. It doesn't scare me I guess it wasn't time. It doesn't matter. Nothing else matters.
Laurie, there is something that matters. YOU matter. Others in the world know you, and care about you. Depression is sneaky. It digs in and makes you think that only it's primal drive matters. It isn't real, though.
Laurie, your friends believe in you. Never mind what depression keeps whispering to you. We're out here, we believe in you, and we have seen the strength you have. You are stronger than this nagging little voice trying to negate your self-worth.
Stay calm, but above all, stay safe. You'll get better, life will get better, and you will rediscover the true peace of living as your authentic self.
You've got my Skype and other contact info. I'm here. I care.
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I am sorry I've worried all of you. I am okay. I do get these thoughts but they pass. I do find it hard to think that anything really matters any more. But I am still here though sometimes I wonder why. In the meanwhile I'm okay I guess.
Laurie, I get it that you have lost a lot, and that that hurts. But remember that you have not lost everything. You still have us, here on Susan's. None of us will walk out on you. Even if that is not much to hang on to, it is something.
Hugs.
Quote from: Laurie on November 03, 2017, 07:32:40 PM
I am sorry I've worried all of you. I am okay. I do get these thoughts but they pass. I do find it hard to think that anything really matters any more. But I am still here though sometimes I wonder why. In the meanwhile I'm okay I guess.
I hear what you said here. I hope you heard what I said. No matter how your mood is, you have to FIGHT to make it better. Surrender is not an option, understand?
Moni
(With much love, of course!)
Quote from: KathyLauren on November 04, 2017, 08:48:56 AM
Laurie, I get it that you have lost a lot, and that that hurts. But remember that you have not lost everything. You still have us, here on Susan's. None of us will walk out on you. Even if that is not much to hang on to, it is something.
Hugs.
Indeed. Counting the things you don't have is a wearisome exercise. Counting the things you
do have, on the other hand, is a reward in itself. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Hey Laurie, i can see that you are working through some emotional numbness right now. As you know, that was also a part of my battle against depression. Make sure to let your therapist know so that you can get the best care. You deserve nothing but the best, Laurie! Sending you big hugs. :-*
I have started voice lessons on a weekly basis as of last Wednesday. Once again I met with my speech therapist and her trainee and again I found it a bit challenging in that the therapist reminds me of my daughter in her looks, mannerisms and in the way she expresses herself. it is not enough to stop nor will it last for too long. I haven't mentioned it but it is bothersome.
A week from Monday I have my quarterly labs, ct scan and oncology appointments. Usually the time leading up to it is a time of building anxiety for me culminating in the verdict at my oncology visit. This time I don't seem to be feeling anxious at all. Apathy would be a better word. I don't even think I fear a revelation that it has finally returned. And yes I fully expect it to return one final time sometime. It could be this time or the next or one after but it will return. i think if it does i will view it as a relief. Am I hoping for it? I don't think I'd go that far but it could do for me what I haven't been able to do for myself. No guilt, no shame, just an end.
Please don't feel that way. I know that you have suffered more than I can even imagine, but please want to live. When I think of the trivial things that have made me and others want life to end, it makes me angry at them and at myself. But I know that you have really suffered, so when you say your end would be a relief, it makes me cry.
Please value your life as much as your friends and sisters value it.
Beautifully said, Mary.
Laurie, life doesn't give us the caring part, it's up to each of us to make that happen. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Therapy today.
Yesterday was a voice session which meant another day of seeing my daughter in Erin the speech pathologist. I pay attention to what she's saying but it's difficult not thinking of my daughter when I look at and listen to her. We spent the time learning another exercise to get my higher voice out of my chest and more forward in the mouth. She recorded some of it and I sound terrible as I usually do just in a higher pitch. She compared it to a recording from the first day and the part I noticed outside of the pitch being higher is that to me it sounds as though I speak with a bit of lisp in both recordings. Erin said she didn't notice it so it's probably all in my mind. She sent me home with homework as usual.
Speaking of mind, did I mention it is therapy day. I almost don't want to go. I feel I have not made any kind of progress since last visit. Instead I feel I've slid a little further. Last time I felt a little better and was having a better day. My therapist even commented on it right away. Since then about the best I can say is yesterday was almost a good day but it was marred by a less than supportive post I made on someone else's thread. I think I managed a couple that were not bad but those were short and non committal mumblings that had no real hope behind them.
Some days I feel it is a waist for me to come to Susan's because I am helping no one not even myself by being here. But I have said it before, I am addicted to the place. I have a need to see how my friends are doing at the very least. Sometime I read more threads or welcome a newcomer but that is less frequent and my heart hasn't been in it. A lot of times I want to comment but what comes out isn't worth the type on the page. It is either inane or negative and many time I just delete it. But I am here everyday to get my fix.
Recently I've thought I'd go to my appointments "as is" Throw on my wig and out the door. But I never do it. I shower, put on something a little nicer, fix my face with some makeup and don my earring, necklace and the cheap "Be Different" bracelet a stranger gave me. Why it matters, I don't know as I don't plan to do it. It must matter on some level as I do it for every appointment even when I don't feel like it.
Well, it's time to put on my mask again as it's time to go. I'm sure we'll find something to talk about even if it's this hopeless feeling touched with "I don't really want to be here anymore" Such is my life these days.
I think that there is a "Wonderful Life" situation here. For example, perhaps you don't realise how much it meant to me when you were the first to welcome me to Susan's Place. It is obvious from the love that members have for you that you have helped so many people. Even sharing your pain helps to put the pain of others into perspective. I do hope that somehow we are all able to help you too.
You posted a kind & encouraging post on my thread, which I'm always thankful for! So, thank you!
It's never a waste for you to come here. You've helped so many of us, we'd like to do what we can for you, too!
As for the voice, I've yet to speak with an actual voice therapist, but I've been surprised how much my voice has improved by doing the exercises every single day. I've definitely managed to raise my break. This is all pretty surprising to me, since I had a pretty deep voice. When I sang, it was usually baritone. I can only imagine how much better my voice will be in a year. So keep up with those lessons, and I'm sure you'll see some great results! Especially working with a professional.
As the others have said your greeting and messages have helped me enormously , like you I am addicted to Susan's and as I have no one as such to talk to this is a great place to unload so keep letting it out . We all have your back so when you feel no one wants you remember us all, your very best friends. XXXXXX
Laurie, your support, posts and responses to mine have been a constant source of support and friendship.
As for progress in therapy, I made none for about 6 months, and even then I described it as 10 steps forward and 9 back. Don't try to measure it, but one day you'll look back and see you've come along way. X
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Laurie, sweetie, someday, you'll learn to be kinder to yourself, any contribution is valuable, even if it's of the 'im just about hanging in here, and I've come for some company without meeting people', kind.
I know exactly how you feel though, as I'm in a similar boat - although I'm anxious at the though of my therapy meetings, as I have the mental health act clunking around at the back of my mind, but this is neither the time or the place.
Please girl, you've got this.
Just be the best you that you can be at that point in time, let the rest of us be adults, and manage our own feelings - they're not your responsibility hon, we know your words are meant kindly, and come from a good place.
(Hugs) and cookies, of course
Rowan
Laurie you posted in my thread and your messages were encouraging and warm. Made me feel safe. You are a great addition to this forum and you really make a difference.
Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and concerns. I can see they are heart felt. They made me cry. I wish I was better able to appreciate them.
In yesterday's therapy session I had an audience. She is a nurse practitioner student at OHSU, the teaching hospital next door. The VA hospital has some agreement with OHSU and having students sit in or take part in activities Is not unusual. There I have one helping me with the voice sessions under the tutelage of the speech pathologist and my Oncologist is employed by OHSU and does work for the VA twice a week. During the session I had to explain a few things for her my therapist already knew so she could understand better. My therapist brought up my Road Trip (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,224341.0.html) Explaining it to her brought back such good memories. It was a nice change from the couple tearful times earlier in the session. My therapist said he likes hearing me talk about the trip and that I should try to do another. I like the idea but winter weather and a busy calendar prevent such a trip from happening anytime soon. Besides it would come down to having to plan a trip and that destroys the freedom of just packing up and going. My road trip was almost planned but I was able to leave enough wiggle room and uncertainty to retain that feeling of freedom all the way to Maine and back.
Anyway I did feel better after the session but I knew it wouldn't last long. I said as much to my therapist on the way out. The buoyed feeling lasted through the trip to Costco and until shortly after arriving home. Alas things are back to my new normal and the day wasn't a good day overall.
This morning has started out okay after a night of badly broken sleep. I woke about 1:30am and didn't get back to sleep until about 5am and up before 7 to discover I forgot to take my 2nd insulin shot again. (sigh) So starts another day.
I hope you all have good days.
laurie
Laurie, I haven't posted here lately because I really have nothing to add. You already know how special you are to me, and that's never going to change. Hang in there my friend, and things will get better.
Steph(anie)
Quote from: Steph2.0 on November 10, 2017, 10:29:25 AM
Laurie, I haven't posted here lately because I really have nothing to add. You already know how special you are to me, and that's never going to change. Hang in there my friend, and things will get better.
Steph(anie)
So they tell me Steph(anie), so they keep telling me. Would that I could or even want to believe it. I guess sometimes I do. They tell me I should feel better when these pills start kicking in, in another 3-4 weeks.
It's so nice to read everyone's messages of how special you are to them. Let me join the chorus in saying that you add so much to my life! I am proud of you for continuing to do what you need to do even though progress is slow right now. You will be thankful that you stuck with this. All my love!! :-*
As much as I'd love to see you, it's probably best not to try crossing the mountains with winter coming up / already here. The passes may be closed, and you'd have to go through mines or something... and this time of year they're just infested with balrog! :D
....sorry / not sorry for the nerd reference.
Thank you Patti. You're still my #1 fan I see.
Sarah no apology needed for a Tolkien reference to one of the best series ever. I also played a healer in world of warcraft for many years. Unfortunately it was also a casualty in my transition saga. I always had a problem with "Healer heal thyself" nothing's changed.
Quote from: Laurie on November 10, 2017, 12:47:05 PM
Sarah no apology needed for a Tolkien reference to one of the best series ever. I also played a healer in world of warcraft for many years.
That's cool! I used to play a little of everything in FFXIV, but primarily DPS. But I did enjoy healing, too. Not so much on raid-level stuff, though. Quit the game just over a year ago, most of the boss fights just become position memorization or you got knocked into any abyss....
Quote from: Laurie on November 10, 2017, 12:47:05 PM
Thank you Patti. You're still my #1 fan I see.
Sarah no apology needed for a Tolkien reference to one of the best series ever. I also played a healer in world of warcraft for many years. Unfortunately it was also a casualty in my transition saga. I always had a problem with "Healer heal thyself" nothing's changed.
I was a 5 year WOW veteran, mostly Fury DPS. Ran a guild with some good friends.
Have you seen Blizzard are launching WOW 'classic', it might temp me out of retirement. /y LFM UBRS heal, tank, dps [emoji16]
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Today was my day for lab tests, ct scan and a visit with my oncologist to get the verdict. When I checked into the imaging area I asked if they could put a note on the paperwork to call me Laurie so I wouldn't be called Leonard or Mr. W******. It worked. So I tried it again when I checked in to see my oncologist and it worked again. I heard Laurie called 4 times and used by the people I dealt with the only one to call me Leonard was me. I almost laughed when Monica, (the older lady that inserts the IV and draws blood for labs if she knows about it) corrected me when I replied Leonard *. W**** to her question to verify my name. She is one of the two highlights of my quarterly appointments. We always chat a bit. She told me I was looking good and quite different since I was there last. I got a kick out of the tech for the CT scan also. I saw him last time as Laurie but this time he is treating me quite differently. Talking to me differently. I believe I was being mansplained. It struck me as odd. He always explains things and asks questions but this time was a little different.
So CT done and I'm off to the checking area for check in and waiting to be called. I needed to go visit the restroom and headed to a common use one down the hall but when I got close and younger guy come rolling up on a scooter type contraption and would have gotten there first but stopped when her saw me. He ask if I was heading there and I said I was and he deferred to me and went off in search of another. Back to the waiting and the call for Laurie to have vitals taken. only 2 pounds up from 3 months ago, bp higher but still in normal range. Updated medications with the 2 newly added ones and back to the waiting area. Once again I hear Laurie called and it's down the hall into the room to seem Dr Julie my oncologist. The second highlight of my visits. She enters and greets me and compliments me on my makeup and says I'm looking good. She is a pretty younger woman and mother of two. We used to swap stories of my grand kids and her kids to keep current. Today I ask about her kids and she tells me about them and how she enjoys spending time with them. We don't talk of my grand kids. I have do idea how they are. She asks how I've been doing and I tell her I haven't been doing so good. I tell her of my depression and that I'm talking with my therapist about it and have started medication for it. She asks if I had been having thoughts of hurting myself and I tell her, yes but not hurt as in causing myself pain but rather I've had thoughts about ending the hurt and pain. We talk a bit more about it and then move on to the results. She tells me that once again there is no sign of the cancer having returned. I told her that it was good news but that the way I have been feeling it really didn't matter much to me what she had told me. The magic of my new pills hasn't kicked in yet. She examines me and when we say goodbye she gives me her card admonishing me to call her if I feel like doing something bad. We hug and down the hall I go to check out. As I get near the door I hear someone saying "just follow that lady going through the door and turn to the right". I go to check out make the next quarterly appointment for the end of February and I'm off heading for home.
So there you have it. Still clear of cancer for 3 years now. And I got to visit with the two woman that I enjoy seeing each quarter. I'm good for another 3 months or rather it won't be cancer that does me in.
Wow - so much great today!
Yaaaaay!
And you were correctly gendered and named all day! Awesome!
That sounds like a pretty positive day, very happy for you. X
Congratulations, Laurie. That sounds like a very successful and affirmative medical day.
Dr Julie seems to really care about you, which is great. Should the bad stuff resurface please do call her!
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That's good news for everyone on Susan's Place.
I completely agree with Mary. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Great news & a great day!
Quote from: Laurie on March 10, 2017, 12:45:20 PM
Just got the call I've been waiting for. For all my posts where I've parroted the advice of those of you that know better than I, and how seeing seeing a gender therapist is a highly recommended step in obtaining help for our specific needs in our journeys... Why is it I am getting such butterflies in my tummy now that it is my turn? I was already becoming worried over my daughter returning from out of state and my plans to go visit for that "talk" with her and her husband. But that just got preempted.
Monday morning it happens. That's only a weekend away. I can't even describe what I am now feeling right now. I can give you a hint though. It isn't joy.
Jeanette
It is hard for me to think I have taken this step but you have not. You seem so self-assured of who you are, this is really easy. I hated to take this step because I had not had faith in therapists in general , but it is as easy as talking to someone whose sole purpose is to help you! Tell them anything, be yourself, and be open about all those things you know about yourself others do not. You can hear yourself say them aloud to another person and in the case of telling others you can even practice saying it to someone else without fear of it going anywhere! It is not all roses and wine, but it is a lot better than I thought it would be. GO for it!
Hugs and love, Marcie
Quote from: Marcieelizabeth on November 14, 2017, 07:09:58 AM
It is hard for me to think I have taken this step but you have not. You seem so self-assured of who you are, this is really easy. I hated to take this step because I had not had faith in therapists in general , but it is as easy as talking to someone whose sole purpose is to help you! Tell them anything, be yourself, and be open about all those things you know about yourself others do not. You can hear yourself say them aloud to another person and in the case of telling others you can even practice saying it to someone else without fear of it going anywhere! It is not all roses and wine, but it is a lot better than I thought it would be. GO for it!
Hugs and love, Marcie
Hi Marcie,
I'm sorry, I kind of muddled that intent of that post. I'll explain. The post as you can see is about getting therapy. I had been in a holding pattern waiting for the call to get the first session scheduled. That was the call I mentioned in the post and I went that Monday to see my therapist and have been seeing him ever since. As you recommend, I am completely open and honest with him and he is fully aware of my depression in all it's glory.
It was during this wait to see a therapist that I had been contemplating coming out to my daughter who was out of state for a couple months. Making that mention of it is what make the post unclear. It was that coming out that began my descent into the morass of depression I am in now. With her reaction to the news I not only lost her but my 5 grandchildren. They were the last of everything I held dear in this life to be lost. My hopes and dreams I had from my youth vanished, all gone. I'm empty inside and can't see a good reason to continue on. Yet I'm still here, at least for now.
Ever the optimist me , hang on in there sunshine you never know what will happen in the future ( crystal balls broken) sounds like you had a good day and good results . Positivness
Hi Laurie,
Long time away, again. I get in and read some of the latest every few days but rarely get time to reply. I think I'm also trying to keep some distance from trans activity to avoid getting sucked whole hog into this world that strangely appeals to me.
I've established that I'm a crossdresser and that's enough for now, perhaps forever. Jacquie and I are seeing a couples therapist to work through how all this plays in our relationship.
And that's what really provoked this reply. We've done counseling therapy several times over the years. I always dread it, but get a lot out of it and never regret it. I think most of my dread is because we inevitably get into painful things. It's my standing joke that I always grab the tissue box when I sit down and keep it close. The latest counselor specializes in emotion-based work, and it seems to be very effective...if sometimes painful.
So I have hope that the medication and therapy will prove helpful over time. These deep pain points don't yield quickly, but they will if you want them to.
Love
Randy
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Thank you for the comments Randy. I'm seeing my therapist about every 2 weeks and I'm waiting for the new magic pills to start working. For now it is what it is.
Quote from: Laurie on November 14, 2017, 04:49:50 PM
Thank you for the comments Randy. I'm seeing my therapist about every 2 weeks and I'm waiting for the new magic pills to start working. For now it is what it is.
Patience.
We need so damn much patience in our lives.
"Take these pills. They'll take a month or two to kick in"
"Wear these patches. They'll take a few years to show results"
"We've approved your surgery. You are on the waitlist to be scheduled eventually once we train some doctors."
It can be wearing. That's why we have each other, support groups, and places like this.
Hang in there, Laurie.
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I am so glad that you were cancer free! Good news and getting gendered correctly all day--lots to be happy about. Your doctor is such a catch! I also still hear you about the pain you are feeling. I am sorry that you are still suffering, my friend. All my love :-*
Thank you everyone that were happy for me. Though I can see that all these things are good, I can't feel the joy in them myself. I always enjoy visiting with my oncologist but this visit was almost as somber as when she told me I was going to die in a matter of months three years ago.
For no reason that I can discern and in spite of the mild nag of a migraine, today was a better day.
I am so glad that you had a better day, Laurie! :)
Thank you Patti. I had actually put Good but it sounded too optimistic so I scaled it back to better. I was even laugh at myself with Erin and Rachael ( my Speech pathologist and her student) during the session today. They can get me feeling pretty silly about the noises they have me make. I couldn't leave well enough alone though and put a damper on things for a bit by telling Erin she reminds me of my daughter every time I see her.
I'm glad you had a better day. I did as well. It's nice to be able to laugh a bit, and talk face to face with friendly people.
Life really is worth living, even if we have some rough days in there.
With Love and Respect,
Michelle
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Quote from: Laurie on November 15, 2017, 09:28:02 PM
For no reason that I can discern and in spite of the mild nag of a migraine, today was a better day.
Yay [emoji4], copy/paste that sucker! X
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Quote from: Laurie on November 15, 2017, 09:28:02 PM
For no reason that I can discern and in spite of the mild nag of a migraine, today was a better day.
Yay! Better days are better than... not.... better days. :D
Just to be clear I wasn't yay-ing your migraine. In fact, I'll keep my yay-ing to a lower volume so it doesn't worsen your migraine. You know, in case you can hear that half-way across the country.
Quote from: Laurie on November 15, 2017, 09:41:53 PM
Thank you Patti. I had actually put Good but it sounded too optimistic so I scaled it back to better. I was even laugh at myself with Erin and Rachael ( my Speech pathologist and her student) during the session today. They can get me feeling pretty silly about the noises they have me make. I couldn't leave well enough alone though and put a damper on things for a bit by telling Erin she reminds me of my daughter every time I see her.
LOL I wondered what was going on--you posted Good day, then I said Good in my response, then I come to make sure my post went through, and then your post says Better, so I changed mine. I thought I was losing it! Send you lots of love. :-*
Goooooo Laurie!
Just had to say that. [emoji6]
You are going to do so well, and are already a pillar of strength for our little community. I know you don't quite see that right now, because of that nasty dark blanket covering you, but you are, and you'll see it soon.
Hugs, Michelle
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I thank those of you that were happy for me last night. It really was a better day. It was a better day than today too but that's not to mean today wasn't okay. I had a couple of periods when I found myself thinking of things that tend to bring me down but they were short periods. My mood wasn't too bad either. Okay, on the plus side, I haven't thought of umm lets just say vanishing since Monday. Another plus is that my sleep has become less broken at night. I slept for about 6 hour w/o waking last night and went back to sleep a couple time between then and getting up. I also remember dreaming and for once it was not a nightmare or other unpleasant dream. What I remember of it really make no sense but one thing in it that I do remember clearly was that I was female in it. As far as I know I have never dreamed of myself as female. In female clothes yes and usually being pursued by people intent on doing me harm. No this time I was female. There were a bunch of guys playing a game with a ball and it came to me. I tried to throw it back but I threw like a girl and it went in a different direction than I intended. Later I was in a building moving through a room full of guys and I knew I didn't fit in with them so I continued through to a room where other women were. I hold no stock in dreams but I did like this one.
Wow Laurie - this is incredible, and so great. Literally dreaming as a woman, in your dreams... that is something I aspire to.
Those sound like wonderful dreams, lucky girl!
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*sigh* My sleep last night was anything but restful as it was very broken again and I woke still tired. I also didn't mention that I think I still have a bit of residual left from my mild migraine two days ago though it could be the befuddlement of medication. But I think it is the former.
I guess there is no road in the world that doesn't have the odd pothole; I'm sure some smoother tarmac lies ahead. X
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Hi Laurie! I am so glad to hear that you got an uninterrupted 6 hours the other night--that is a lot for you! I understand it was back to interrupted sleep last night but good to mark the little milestones. I am happy for you that you were a girl in your dream! I am Patricia in my dreams now, and it's so nice. I am not a cis woman but I am the new me and not the old me. Also good news that the darker thoughts have been at bay. I am rooting for you always, Laurie! Big hugs.
Well it's been another week since the last update and I guess I should say something. There really isn't much of note to talk about. It has been 12 days now since I have thought about ways to accomplish my demise so I guess the magic pills are doing something. That foggy head feeling I spoke of also seems to be from the medication as it is still a morning thing fading as the day goes on. (I take it at night before bed) I met with the psyche nurse and she wants me to continue at my current for another 11 days then it doubles again. She tells me they are not yet doing what they should be for me as I am still depressed. probably because I told her that even though I'm not currently thinking of my demise I do not see a reason to continue on either. I feel my life has lost a purpose to keep living. I could die now or at anytime and it wouldn't matter. It would be an end to the hurt and pain I can now feel again. Another benefit of those pills. I don't seem to have the numbness I had anymore. I read and write PMs to friends and posts that I can relate to on a heart felt level and silent tears run down my cheeks. I don't like these feelings. I'd rather be numb or just not here. I am still getting more sleep though it is still broken and sometime troublesome to get back to sleep. Something has awaken those damn squirrels in my head again.
I think things are improving though. My posts seem to be more bright now. A little lighter in tone and more encouraging. It's like there's two of me, one getting better and the other stuck in gloom and despair. I think the lighter one is an imposter, a fantasy and the gloomy one is real, a shell of what I was, empty and worthless. I'm still here but I don't know why nor do I want to be here.
I 'm rambling. It isn't good when I'm left alone with my thoughts and a platform to express them on. But it's my thread and they are my thoughts no one needs read it. Maybe in a day or two I'll read it and wonder why I put these words here. Perhaps I'll decide to delete them because they sound stupid or pathetic. Or perhaps I'll agree with them. Perhaps I'll read them someday and see how far I've come from where I am.
Thank you for the update, yours are the ones I await most eagerly, for good or bad, they are your truth, and that matters.
I have certainly noticed a change in the tone of your posts on the forum for the better, so I can only take that as a positive sign.
Otherwise keep working at it. We remain your loyal friends and readership [emoji4]. X
P.s. Maybe get a dog to take care of those squirrels?
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Hey Laurie, I am glad you are feeling better. The posts you have made in my thread and others are always thoughtful and very much appreciated. You are a very kind and caring person. I can relate to what you say about there being two of you. I had felt the same not so long ago. The happy me could not comprehend how I could possibly ever become so depressed. For a while I was even worried that I might have some kind of split personality disorder. My therapist assured me that I don't and that is just what depression does to you. Hang in there. You are getting better. The happy you will start to hang around for longer periods and the gloomy you will feel less gloomy.
Don't delete your post. Like you said, they are your thoughts and your thread and are absolutely not stupid or pathetic. It is a reflection of how you are feeling at this moment. Future posts will be happier or maybe gloomier, either way your feelings are valid and we are here to support you. I read your thread regardless of what you have to say because you are a good person and I am interested in how you are feeling, good or bad.
Take good care of yourself.
Jayne
We like reading your posts, rambling or not. You are doing a fine thing for us, and I hope that in the future you will be able to feel joy and satisfaction.
Laurie, I'm just glad to read that things are improving. Biological changes whether for mental state or our body tend to be slow, and we need so much patience.
Meanwhile, there are cookies...
Cookies will have to wait. I have a whole mincemeat pie to eat. (5 slices left). I've heard it's good for my blood glucose levels.
Hugs,
Laurie
Glad you are feeling a bit better, BTW theres a hug coming your way
Hi Laurie! It seems like things are progressing pretty well with your treatment. I am so happy that you are sticking with the program and giving yourself some time for the meds and therapy to work. It is by no means a short journey. Sending all my love to you, Laurie!!! :-*
Laurie, long overdue for me to make the drive over and give you a hug. And ladies here in England and Wales who have put up with me the past couple days are also sending hugs to you for when I return. Expect to get the heck squeezed out of ya.
Quote from: Kendra on November 26, 2017, 05:32:47 PM
Laurie, long overdue for me to make the drive over and give you a hug. And ladies here in England and Wales who have put up with me the past couple days are also sending hugs to you for when I return. Expect to get the heck squeezed out of ya.
Kendra, please give her a squeeze from me, too!
Steph
Quote from: Kendra on November 26, 2017, 05:32:47 PM
Laurie, long overdue for me to make the drive over and give you a hug. And ladies here in England and Wales who have put up with me the past couple days are also sending hugs to you for when I return. Expect to get the heck squeezed out of ya.
Kendra and ladies,
Reactions first a chuckle then silent tears. Thanks for the chuckle, I appreciate the concerns and affection.
Laurie
Good to hear that things are going well with you.
I have been on/off busy for the last month or so. The usual going out and a two week trip to Florida to visit my Father, age 92, and sister and brother-in-law.
My father is getting more and more senile. He is living with my sister for now, can't trust him by himself or driving anymore.
I decided back in OCT to see a therapist myself. She is not a doctor but just a therapist. Not for any gender related issues. Ever since my partner died my libido as skyrocketed. With my aging, now 67, and basically being a Postmenopausal woman hormone wise. My sex life and such had slowed down to almost nothing, but after her death all the old wants are returning.
It has been interesting chatting with her. Helpful to compare my sex and body issues with a female from birth, she is 48 so a young person still. She has given me some homework. My issues of working through my partners death and cleaning out her stuff.
Since having been made to see Psychiatrists since young, never been a big proponent of Psycho-therapy in general, but my discussions with two very close friends, a pre- MtF TS and a MtF CD, does not give me enough feedback.
I have been reading all the posts here in your thread every week or so.
Hi Georgette,
It is always nice to hear from you and I appreciate you taking an interest in how I'm doing. I am heartened to read you are seeking help yourself. Sometimes just having someone to listen and understand helps. That's pretty much what I have with my therapist. I'm not sure what to think of you possibly cutting back on your nights out with the girls. It would ruin my visual of you as a party animal. I'm not sure I could deal with that Lady. But you do need to work on the acceptance that your partner has passed on. You can't let it keep affecting your life like you infer it has. ((Hug)) I think I can understand your loss and I know it is difficult.
I met with my therapist again today. I think I have a fair grasp of what my problems are now, but when it comes to overcoming them I'm still at a loss. Loss is one of my problems because I feel I have lost everything that I held important in my life and I have no motive or desire to continue on. I don't like who I am and see wreckage everywhere I look in my past. It's pretty sad when the good new is that you aren't thinking of ways to end your existence but that's my reality. I attribute the "improvement" to the antidepressant starting to work, and therefore artificial. I guess the idea is to give me time to find a good reason to want to live. No one thinks this is going to be accomplished anytime soon. My pill pusher (Psyche nurse) has given me the impression I'll be needing the pills for more than a year and my therapist has also intimated the same. As a nephew used to say "I have issues" lol
I hope your trip to see family was good in spite of the sad state of you father. Old age can be hard all the whole family. I still cannot see how you can live where you do. It was causing me stress in the short time I was there and I had to get away. I feel a little guilty for not being able to stay around and meet with you. But I did enjoy the talk we had on the phone. I hope all improves for you Georgette.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Folks,
Something I forgot. Yesterday I arrived for my therapy appointment and went to check in. To do so I show my VA ID and tell the lady the first letter of my last name and the last 4 digits of my social security number because That's how they keep the records. The record comes up and she says are you W****** and suddenly she gets a strange look on her face as if something is wrong. I responded "Yes, that's me I go by Laurie now. I don't look much like a Leonard anymore" To which she says "No you don't look like a Leonard"
Then the next problem arose It seems I has put the appointment into my for for an hour earlier than it was scheduled for. I decided to you the hour trying to talk to the enrollment office about a benefit change but after 55 minutes of waiting for my turn I had to return for my therapy appointment.
As for the session itself, it was an hour of talk centered around how I am currently feeling bad about myself and my apathy towards my transition. IE my depression. It's good that I am no longer thinking of methods for my demise, (which I attribute to the meds rather than an attitude change on my part) but I am having a hard time seeing why I shouldn't. What it comes do to is, I don't want to be here.
Laurie
Laurie you have soooo much going for you. You really do. As for wanting to be here and enjoy life: if a twin of yours was going through exactly the same thing, what would your advice be to her? You know the answer... you would tell her to see the positive, look forward to better days, accept the fact many people really do care deeply about her and minimize those who don't care.
And ya ain't gonna change my mind. You are a beautiful person and need to get back to that great smile I saw on your face this summer.
Quote from: Kendra on November 29, 2017, 03:40:59 PM
Laurie you have soooo much going for you. You really do. As for wanting to be here and enjoy life: if a twin of yours was going through exactly the same thing, what would your advice be to her? You know the answer... you would tell her to see the positive, look forward to better days, accept the fact many people really do care deeply about her and minimize those who don't care.
And ya ain't gonna change my mind. You are a beautiful person and need to get back to that great smile I saw on your face this summer.
^^^ this.
Well said Kendra!
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Laurie, I understand some of what you are going through. (I'm still dealing with a hellish but slowly fading post-op depression, likely anesthesia related.)
I don't think any of us older transitioners WANTED to be here. I would have loved to live out my life with my old family, happily enjoying retirement with my wife and children, traveling the world and enjoying life. Except that the 'happily' and 'enjoying' weren't there. Instead I got dysphoria. Massive dysphoria, built up over decades of self-shaming, rendering me unable to function as 'happy old Dad'.
Kendra is absolutely right. We're both better off now in our transitions, living as our authentic selves.
It beats sucking on a tailpipe and hosting a party for the worms, my poor plan for dealing with the dysphoria, anxiety, and depression a couple years ago. I'm alive and know that outside of the depression, I can enjoy life. I've beaten it before, and I know that eventually it will be gone and I'll be enjoying life again.
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Laurie,
After my last surgery, I find myself emersed in depression. I'll be damned if I will let it win. Unacceptable!
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on November 30, 2017, 03:39:15 PM
Laurie,
After my last surgery, I find myself emersed in depression. I'll be damned if I will let it win. Unacceptable!
Moni
Moni,
I am saddened to learn you are having a difficult time and that it is because of depression. It sucks, it sucks a lot and I hate to see that you too are suffering. When you say, "I'll be damned if I will let it win.", I believe you. You will beat like you say. Ann won't let you quit and you have the drive to fight it. You'll win.
Love ya,
Laurie
Something nice
Yesterday evening my sister came into my room and gave me a sapphire and diamond ring and earring set. They were my Mom's. My sister and I got together to buy them for Mom many years ago. Sapphire is her birth stone and I think she told us she never had a set in her birth stone before. Sapphire is also my birth stone and now they're mine.
(https://i.imgur.com/Itjf3R9.jpg)
Quote from: Laurie on November 30, 2017, 11:45:33 PM
Something nice
Yesterday evening my sister came into my room and gave me a sapphire and diamond ring and earring set. They were my Mom's. My sister and I got together to buy them for Mom many years ago. Sapphire is her birth stone and I think she told us she never had a set in her birth stone before. Sapphire is also my birth stone and now they're mine.
Wow! That is incredibly special, to have something of Mom's to wear as a reminder and connection.
I have that old set of Franciscan Desert Rose dishes from my mom. I do love them, and every once in a while find myself whispering "Thank you, Mom."
Oh Laurie, that is so beautiful and so special.
Mmm time for me to have a cry
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Quote from: Cindy on December 01, 2017, 12:05:25 AM
Oh Laurie, that is so beautiful and so special.
Mmm time for me to have a cry
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
It is special to me. It would have been more so if she were alive to give it to me herself.
Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk
Quote from: Laurie on November 30, 2017, 11:45:33 PM
Something nice
Yesterday evening my sister came into my room and gave me a sapphire and diamond ring and earring set. They were my Mom's. My sister and I got together to buy them for Mom many years ago. Sapphire is her birth stone and I think she told us she never had a set in her birth stone before. Sapphire is also my birth stone and now they're mine.
(https://i.imgur.com/Itjf3R9.jpg)
What a beautiful gift to have. I'm sure you'll treasure them. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Quote from: Laurie on November 30, 2017, 11:45:33 PMSapphire is also my birth stone and now they're mine.
Beautiful jewelry for a beautiful lady. Now you need to find a nice place to wear them out to.
Happy!
Steph
That's so wonderful Laurie!!
Beautiful jewellery. I'm sure that your mother would be happy that you have them.
aaaaaaaaaaaah made my peeps go moist.
Quote from: davina61 on December 01, 2017, 02:44:17 PM
aaaaaaaaaaaah made my peeps go moist.
It kind of promoted ocular leakage in me also. I need to get the ring resized as it only fits one of my little fingers.
Quote from: Laurie on December 01, 2017, 03:00:01 PM
It kind of promoted ocular leakage in me also. I need to get the ring resized as it only fits one of my little fingers.
This brought back the memories of when my sister gave me my Mom's first wedding ring. She was going to give it to her daughter but thought her new sister should have it instead.
So yeah, ocular leakage for sure.
Happy for you, Laurie!
Steph(anie)
I received another nice gift today all the way from the UK.
Thank You very much Davina and thank you also Kendra for getting it to me.
Hugs for both of you ladies.
Laurie
(https://i.imgur.com/xUDyZSB.jpg)
If you just make one thing from it that will do, picked that one as its a bit more "how to do" enjoy.
Davina,
I have already begun reading it and not just looking at the pictures. Rest assured I will be trying some of the recipes out. I hope to gain a better understanding of what a curry really is now that I know it isn't just a powder in a bottle the turns everything in a stew green. (I still like that though too) Thank you again.
--------------------------------------------------------
On another note. It was 6:50pm tonight when I realized I have not taken the first of my 3 daily doses of estradiol. I've noticed I haven't been taking it until the afternoon more and more. Its not like I haven't thought of taking it, because I usually do think of it everyday. I prefer to take it after breakfast and brushing my teeth which I do but then I forget to take my estradiol. This is the latest I've remembered I needed to take it. I did think of doing it at least twice earlier. I guess it just isn't all that important any more.
Wow, that is truly special that you have that jewelry. :) My mom was never one for jewelry and I don't know what happened to the pieces she did have after she passed, now I'm wondering.
Also, the cover of that cookbook is making me hungry and I've already eaten too much today. Now I need to make some curry.
Quote from: Laurie on December 02, 2017, 09:15:26 PM
On another note. It was 6:50pm tonight when I realized I have not taken the first of my 3 daily doses of estradiol. I've noticed I haven't been taking it until the afternoon more and more. Its not like I haven't thought of taking it, because I usually do think of it everyday. I prefer to take it after breakfast and brushing my teeth which I do but then I forget to take my estradiol. This is the latest I've remembered I needed to take it. I did think of doing it at least twice earlier. I guess it just isn't all that important any more.
I have an app on my phone to remind me. That just reminded me to tell the app I have taken my lunchtime dose a little early. Does that mean I need a reminder for the reminder because I forgot to remember? [emoji15]
Forgot probably isn't the right word though I do forget. I mean it isn't intentional. But perhaps subconsciously it doesn't matter to me like it had. I just took the last two doses, less than an hour after the first so it's like taking them all at once instead of spreading them out. My doctor doesn't care which way I take them and differences in the effectiveness between both methods is pretty minor anyway. What bothers me is that I'm not taking them as I had been doing. Why the lack of concern for sticking to my schedule? When will taking them at all become unimportant? Maybe it is just another sign of my not caring whether I am here or not. I have that feeling that I'm just going through the motions in an imitation of life without anything to give it meaning.
Laurie, it is what you do. Put one uncaring foot in front of the other until you are at a place where you do care. Fight to find that purpose you don't have right now. It will come. It will turn around. You will not always feel like this.
Moni
If the difference between taking the meds all together or spreading them out is minor, could it be that it is only keeping to the schedule that has become less important to you and not the actual taking of the meds.? You are still taking your full daily dose.
I am sorry you are still feeling down. I read most of your posts to other members here. You give us all hope and inspiration. It was only a few hours ago that you posted on my own thread with a music clip that made my day. Your life has plenty of meaning. I know it is difficult to see anything positive when you feel depressed. Trust your friends here that you are important to us and are a wonderful supportive person. To repeat Moni's words, keep fighting and you will find what you need.
Take good care of yourself.
Jayne
PS: the photo on your curry book looks yummy. If I ever make it to your part of the world, I may be inclined to impose on you for a meal.
Hi Laurie! Lots of ups and downs since I last checked in, but I am glad that you are holding on. Moni's advice is as always great, "Put one uncaring foot in front of the other until you are at a place where you do care." I was really moved to see that your sister gave you the jewelry set from your mom--so very sweet, as was the cookbook gift. You are so loved, Laurie J!! :-*
(Hugs)
Laurie, you know where I am at - and how to get in touch - maybe you're just looking too hard to find your purpose.
We all expect to find a big noble cause (I have, but it's going to take a bucket of work to get going, so I have to get well), and for others it's the simple joy of small things done well - a timely card, a home baked cookie, a welcome to a stranger.
Remember also that some of us are up and around, before and after your locale, so there is always someone to chat with in messages, or on chat.
It's always taken weeks for the meds to kick in, but I'm one for slow and sure, to take my time rather than a Big Bang and a quick trip to side effect city - these things take time.
Be gentle with yourself. We're going to get through this, and support as best we can.
Rowan
Start the new dose of antidepressant tonight so it's 4x the starting amount. I'm not sure what result they are expecting with the medication as I haven't been enlightened with that information. At the last meeting with my pill pusher nurse, she decided I haven't gotten there yet, therefore the reason for this increase. I do know that I'm still not thinking of methods but I haven't thrown the idea out either. these last few days have been kind of off. I've been moody and a bit short about things. I don't really know how to describe it. Like I said things are just off.
So glad that you are continuing your healing journey, Laurie. It sounds like you want more information about your meds' intended effects. That seems reasonable to me. Perhaps someone would be available to discuss with you from their office? I hope that you tolerate the increased dose well. Big hugs! :-*
Hon, why don't you ask Cindy.?
Rowan
I love the peace and quiet to be had wandering in a forest listening to the sounds of nature around you. The rustle of leaves from the breeze in the tree or from the scurrying of some small unseen animal. Sitting with my back against a tree watching the birds flit from branch to branch. The cry of a bluejay giving the alarm or the irate chittering of a squirrel not in my head this time, but in a nearby tree because I have invaded his territory. So peaceful.
Though this could be any of many such experiences I've had, this one happens to be a specific memory of mine. It was back in 1995. My Dad had died several months earlier. I had lost my job I'd had for 18 years. And my divorce was final. I sat with my back against that tree with the barrel of a shotgun in my mouth debating with myself about pulling the trigger.
Obviously I did not. At times now I'm wishing I had. I've thought of going for a ride up into the mountains and forests around here. They are more beautiful and as peaceful as that other forest but I'm afraid that if I do, I'll bring my shotgun and not return. I would be at peace with myself.
Bring a camera instead. You might catch that unseen creature out in the open, and you can share it with us.
Hugs, Devlyn
The woods may be "lovely, dark and deep", Laurie, but remember that you have "promises to keep". I may be selfish for saying so, but your life means a lot to many people.
I love nature too. Enjoy it over and over again. Like Devlyn said, you could take a camera and share it with us.
Take a photo of a Blue Jay. I think I have only seen one once and it was from a distance. I would like for you to take a photo of one and post it here so I can see what they look like. We don't have them here in Oz.
Jayne
I am having quite a rough time of it these last several days. Everyone like to use the roller coaster metaphor in regard to starting HRT but it is really applicable with my recent days. For quite some time I've been saying that the good news is I'm not thinking of ways to do away with myself and though that is true it doesn't mean I actually want to be here. I still do have thoughts of an end as you can see from my last post. I can actually see me doing it. I can't trust myself not to when I get to feeling like that.
Then I have days like today. I have been doing pretty darn good posting in the forums very much like I used to. Positive, encouraging, and upbeat. And I've felt good while doing it. I could almost fool myself except for the several times today that I have felt like curling up in the corner and crying. But I can't. Instead silent tears run down my cheeks as they are at this moment. Unbidden and unwanted I know where they come from and what is causing them. These damn pills have made it so I can feel again and they are the emotions I am not able to hold back. They are the hurt and love and pain and happiness I can't let out. It is everything I don't dare to let any one know I feel. It everything I don't want to feel but it leaks out and runs down my cheeks for all to see.
These days I feel like I don't know whether I am coming or going. I am lost, not knowing which way to turn. I have no idea where I am going or what is next. My life is on hold and I just want it all to end.
Hey love, I am worried about you. Maybe you should call your therapist in the morning? And it seems like you should probably get rid of your guns if you are thinking of using them in that way. We all care about you, Laurie, and we need your love and support in our lives. Please do not harm yourself. I love you, sister! :-*
Quote from: p on December 09, 2017, 11:51:55 PM
Hey love, I am worried about you. Maybe you should call your therapist in the morning? And it seems like you should probably get rid of your guns if you are thinking of using them in that way. We all care about you, Laurie, and we need your love and support in our lives. Please do not harm yourself. I love you, sister! :-*
I am okay Patti. I am not taking that ride just yet. I am just an emotional mess is all.
Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk
Quote from: Laurie on December 09, 2017, 11:44:29 PM
They are the hurt and love and pain and happiness I can't let out. It is everything I don't dare to let any one know I feel.
Wait... what? Why the heck not? Why do you think we're here? We sure dump on you enough. Considering it's better to give than receive, don't deny us the opportunity to give back some of the love and concern you show for us.
None of us has abandoned you yet, and we're gonna stick with you. I'm really liking the glimpses of the old you I'm seeing in the forums. Let's keep it going.
Steph
Laurie, we are all here for you. Please don't do anything that cannot be undone. We need you. Let the tears out. Cry your heart out. There is no shame in that. We have all been there. I know I have certainly cried enough tears to fill an ocean.it is ok to feel hurt and pain. It isn't pleasant while you are feeling it but they are real emotions that are best let out than suppressed. With the hurt and pain, you are also feeling love and happiness. It all adds up to a richer and more complete experience of life. If it is hurt and pain you are feeling, let it just happen and ride it out. It will soon pass and be replaced by something better. You will feel some love come your way, or you might pass some love on, or just be happy about some small thing. I was feeling rather down this morning. You even posted a reply in my thread telling me that I am not alone and you understand how I was feeling. Now I am telling you that you are not alone and I also understand how you are feeling.
It is a terrible feeling when it seems like your whole life is on hold while the rest of the world keeps spinning. I am able to completely be myself on this forum, yet in the real world I am still 100% in male mode all the time. Someone has pressed the pause button on my life while the rest of the world keeps moving. I look forward to when I am able to take another step in my transition. That is what keeps me from losing my mind. I can't look at the end result, it is too far away and I don't really know where I will end up anyway. All I can do is look at my next step. Set yourself small goals. You will eventually find your way.
Like Steph said, it is really nice to see your posts in the forums. They are always so thoughtful and encouraging.
Take good care of yourself.
Have a (((HUG)))
Jayne
^^^^^^^^ says it all, let it out girl as the worst thing is bottling those feelings up. Like a pressure cooker somethings got to blow. BIG HUGS XXXXXXXXX
The others are right, don't box or bottle up those feelings, let them out. We're all here for you. I may only rarely have any good advice, but I can always listen, and give you a big, if virtual, hug!
Laurie,
I love you Girl. If I could offer you anything, I would give you the ability to give yourself a break. I would give you the ability to forgive yourself and stop beating yourself up. I firmly believe that you can get past this. You will feel better. At some point you will let go of the old and look forward to the new. There are some very good role models who come to mind, Rachel, Cindy. Rachel has come from despair to turn it around tremendously. I know you relate to Cindy in a special way. I am in awe of both of you in your strength in fighting cancer. This is a fight you can win Sweetie. You will win. Did I mention, I love you?
Moni
I guess I should apologize to all of you for making you worry about me. I am sorry that my last coup[le of posts caused you all such concern and I thank you all for being worried. I understand how such post can be disturbing and I would love to tell you that you had not reason to be worried. But the truth of the matter is that what I wrote is how I've felt. The forest post is what happened to me many years ago and it is a reoccuring thought that finds it's way into my head from time to time. When it does I am not in a good place, but even so the likelihood of me doing it again are pretty slim.
The last post is also of concern as it is sort of a new feeling. In talking it over with another member tonight I think it is caused in part from the medication I am taking for depression and how it is causing feelings to come back and these feelings are something I don't know how to deal with and they overwhelm me. I still struggle with that whole male thing of not showing emotion and I've never been good at holding everything in. I am still fighting to hold them in and in spite of my trying they leak out in the silent tears I talked about. It's then that I become overwhelmed with my feelings and want to curl up in the corner and cry. But of course I can't do that either.
How am I going to fix this problem I do not know. I haven't figured that part out yet. I have been feeling better today and talking about it with someone has helped. Maybe I will be okay for awhile again maybe not but for now I am okay.
Thank you all for caring.
Hugs,
Laurie
P.S. Yes Moni, I know you love me and you should also know I love you too. Thank you.
Sorry, Laurie? What for? If we don't know when times are tough, how can we help you hon? So I'll have no more of that nonsense.
If you want to cry, do so. If you need to stare out of the window for a month, then do that. Shout, jump, rage, smash, vent, sing, paint, build, all you need to, but by apologising, you are negating your own feelings, for the perceived benefit of the rest of us and in your world, nothing much should matter more than your own mental health.
For me, the head meds make me numb, and prone to trying (and failing) at burning the house down, through errors in the kitchen.... at least yours have expanded your emotional range :)
(Hugs)
Rowan
Sending you big hugs and lots of love today, Laurie! I understand that you still struggle with negative feelings and are trying to figure out what to do with some of the emotions that arise. Take your time & be good to yourself. And vent here--we are here to listen and love. :-*
Allow me to also say that there shall be no more apologising for being honest. I won't repeat what has already been said, just go back and read Rowan's post again!!!
Yes we were all worried about you, but I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say that we would rather be worried and know what is going on so that we can try and help you than worry while you suffer in silence. So no more apologies young lady!!!
I am very sorry you actually lived through the moment described in your forest post. But that is now in the past. The memory of that cannot cause you any harm, it's just a long ago memory. If a situation arises that causes you to think about that time, remember that it is only a thought. Just let the thought naturally fade away, don't engage it. Leave it alone and it will go away.
If you want to go into a corner and cry, go find yourself a nice comfy corner, grab yourself a pillow so you don't sit on the hard ground and cry away. No shame in doing that. If I wasn't in the other side of the world, I'd sit in the corner with you and we can find something to cry about together. [emoji24]
You will find a way to manage these negative emotions. Hang in there.
Here is a (((HUG)))
Jayne
Thank you folks,
Your posts do touch me when I read them through my watery eyes as they fill to overflowing. It's more of those feelings and emotions. You know those things I've never been good at? Oh ocular leakage how I hate thee... Someday I will learn how to just accept the simple fact that some people are just going to like me and be concerned for my well being. I'll have to work on that. But for now I'm too consumed with self loathing and hating myself for things long past and those that are newer. When they have me in their grasp, I feel so horrible. You have witnessed it here in this thread. Some of you have seen all of my highs and at least parts of my lows. I'm sorry and ashamed of the self I expose all of you to when I am so caught up in despair.
Well today hasn't been one of those days at all. Yesterday was okay but today was good. Not a sign of the nonsense of a couple days ago. I've been in a pretty good mood all day. How long it will last I don't know, but I can guess it will probably last until Friday. Why Friday? Well, that's when I am scheduled to go for therapy again. Got to be doing good for that right? That's the way it usually goes right? Maybe I can fit in a quickie before Friday. I hope not. I have enough to talk to him about since last time. I guess we'll see how it goes between now and then.
I just thought some of you would like to read that I had a good day again. Thank you all for your help and putting up with me.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie, it is so nice to know that you are in a good mood. Try and hold onto that feeling for as long as you can.
Now, while I have you in a good mood, there are a few things we need to get into your head young lady!
Quote
Someday I will learn how to just accept the simple that some people are just going to like me and be concern for my well being. I'll have to work on that.
Yes, you do need to accept this. You are liked, live with it! [emoji4]
Quote
I'm sorry and ashamed of the self I expose all of you to when I am so caught up in despair.
I am pretty sure I have told you before, you have nothing to be ashamed of, so no apologising and no feeling ashamed. Got it!
Quote
I just though some of you would like to read that I had a good day again.
Yes, thank you for letting us know. It doesn't matter if it is a good day or bad day, we are here for you. I am very glad you are in a good mood.
Take care,
Jayne
Laurie, never be ashamed of your feelings and emotions. They are part of what makes us human.
I'm ashamed of a culture that demands repression, and insists on emotional constipation and an early grave for an entire gender.
You are just finally reconnecting with yourself and starting to heal from the damage our society has caused you. Healing is not a bad thing, even when it makes us so very uncomfortable.
You'll come through this a better person.
With love and respect,
Michelle
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
I am so glad to hear that you had a good day, Laurie! Hopefully these will become more and more frequent as your transition, therapy and medication progress. I am one of those pesky people you can't scare off who cares about you. Sending lots of love and a big hug, sister! :-*
Laaaaaaaurrieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! <3 you.
Thank you Ladies. Your responses and support are very much appreciated.
So is the support I know is there from some friends out there that have held back in respect for a post I made quite some time ago. I thank them for doing it but feel like have done them wrong in expressing those thoughts. Because of that I want to make it clear to everyone that I am canceling that restriction. I don't want to stop anyone from posting any of their thoughts and concerns here in response to my own posts. I am inviting everyone to express their thoughts and opinions about what I post.
I know it affected Monica and I am truly sorry for it. Monica, you still hold a special place in my heart. Love you, Lady. (((HUGS)))
Hugs,
Laurie
P.S. Ellie you got a laugh out of me.
Hi Laurie girl, we love you!
Hugs from Deb & Tia Anne
Somehow Tia I got that feeling from the both of you. You two also hold a special place in my heart. I can't wait to drop in again and hug you both in person. It may take awhile though.
If you all can't tell I am having another pretty good day. I had a little fun at Costco today as I came to the cashier to check out. The cashier picked up my card, looked at the picture then looked at me an then a smile came to her face. Nothing out of the ordinary was said. She was polite and used no pronouns, but that smile was enough for me. The picture on the card is of some old man in a cowboy hat.
Hugs to you both,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on December 12, 2017, 09:43:30 PM
If you all can't tell I am having another pretty good day. I had a little fun at Costco today as I came to the cashier to check out. The cashier picked up my card, looked at the picture then looked at me an then a smile came to her face. Nothing out of the ordinary was said. She was polite and used no pronouns, but that smile was enough for me. The picture on the card is of some old man in a cowboy hat.
All you need to do is go up to the service desk and tell them your picture is a little out of date and you would like it updated. I am pretty sure they will agree with you.
It has crossed my mind. I could also just request another card for an authorized user named Laurie W***** w/o picture but then the name on the credit cards wouldn't match. Maybe someday I'll do something about names.
"Hi my name is Megan, and I'm a Laurie addict." [emoji16]
We all care so much for you hun. These pesky emotions are tough aren't they. There is only time and acceptance to help combat them, but you'll get there, keep on the path sister. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Quote from: Megan. on December 13, 2017, 01:06:28 AM
"Hi my name is Megan, and I'm a Laurie addict." [emoji16]
A smile to start the day. Thank you Megan.
On the agenda for today is playing taxi chauffeuring my good friend Peggy from Missouri from the airport and delivering her to her kids and grand kids. (she claims I'm family too) I am likely in for a few smacks from her when she read an email I had sent to her from one of my low points. She brought it with her "to read at an appropriate time". It was a copy of something I had sent the Stephanie trying to explain how bad I was feeling at the time. Stephanie might remember it's content and the rest of you can probably guess. It is a good thing for me that she hasn't created an account here so she can follow how I'm doing. Smacks or no smacks it will be nice to see Peggy again.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Megan. on December 13, 2017, 01:06:28 AM
"Hi my name is Megan, and I'm a Laurie addict." [emoji16]
Hi, My name is Faith and I am also a Laurie addict. I am on Day 0. I try to abstain but I keep coming back ... I am not ashamed.
:icon_mrhappy: :icon_mrhappy: :icon_smile: Thank you too Faith I could possibly wind up smiling all day at this rate.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hey! I want in on this club.
My name is Jayne and I too am a Laurie addict.
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 13, 2017, 10:39:43 AM
Hey! I want in on this club.
My name is Jayne and I too am a Laurie addict.
Me too!!
Quote from: Laurie on December 12, 2017, 09:58:55 PM
It has crossed my mind. I could also just request another card for an authorized user named Laurie W***** w/o picture but then the name on the credit cards wouldn't match. Maybe someday I'll do something about names.
Before I legally changed name I had two American Express cards - one Ken, one Kendra. I called Amex and explained exactly why - I am transgender, transitioning male to female and needed an additional card on my account with a different name. They were very polite, congratulated me and popped it in the mail. From their standpoint it's no different than issuing a card to an additional person in same household, more potential usage of the card and they like that. Seems like a minor thing but it really helped - some newer cash registers display the cardholder's name in large letters to the cashier.
I didn't bother updating debit card until I legally changed my name since those just go into a machine for the customer to fiddle with.
Interesting conversations when the cashier spots the business name on my Costco card.
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/xyasqokwurvg14m/File%20Dec%2013%2C%208%2039%2035%20AM.jpeg?raw=1)
(I quit drinking alcohol in 2003 but I'm in the band)
Laurie I am so glad you are climbing back where you need to be. I feel better knowing you are having better days. 💕
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 13, 2017, 10:39:43 AM
Hey! I want in on this club.
My name is Jayne and I too am a Laurie addict.
I've been sitting wayyy in back, but I have just taken 12 steps to stand in front.
Hi, I am Stephanie (for reals!) and I, too, am a Laurie addict. It's who I am, and I'm owning it.
All together now, "HI STEPHANIE!"
Oh, hi there!
Stephanie
I may not be the loudest in the room, but I, too, am a Laurie addict.
Haha I didn't realize I was violating a request when I kept posting and posting and posting--I am such a pesky fan! Love you hon! :-*
OMG See what you started Megan?
Trivia time fill in the blank and tell where it comes from.
"And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in
Singin a bar of ________ __________ and walking out. They may think it's an
Organization."
Kendra,
I have thought about that but I would rather wait for a legal name change to do something like putting my name on a credit card. When that happen is more of a matter of "if" at the moment.
And oh yeah "Me Too" is a completely different movement That I cannot qualify for.
Hugs to all of you,
Laurie
Quote from: p on December 13, 2017, 11:43:51 AM
Haha I didn't realize I was violating a request when I kept posting and posting and posting--I am such a pesky fan! Love you hon! :-*
It's okay Patti. It was more of a statement and implied request. Not everyone took it to mean it as such. Some did and I appreciated their consideration though I know now it was unfair of me to make it. I love you also. How could I not?
My gosh I guess I'm beginning to realize I love the lot of you.
Hugs Mrs Patti,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on December 13, 2017, 11:45:27 AM
"And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in
Singin a bar of ________ __________ and walking out. They may think it's an
Organization."
And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in
Singin a bar of
Alice's Restaurant and walking out. They may think it's an
Organization. And they're right. It's part of the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacree Movement.
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 13, 2017, 01:01:56 PM
And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in
Singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out. They may think it's an
Organization. And they're right. It's part of the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacree Movement.
Ding Ding Ding Good job Kathy.
"And if 50 people, can you imagine 50 people walking in singing a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out? ... It would be a Movement"
Fun song and funny story.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on December 13, 2017, 01:11:50 PM
Ding Ding Ding Good job Kathy.
"And if 50 people, can you imagine 50 people walking in singing a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out? ... It would be a Movement"
Fun song and funny story.
And all ya gotta do to join in is sing it when it comes around on the git-tar. With feelin'.
[emoji445]
Singin' Steph
I heard Arlo sing it live at a folk festival in Alberta in the 1990s. He had added a section about Nixon's tapes to the classic version.
I'm sure he felt a need to update it as it was more than 25 years old by then. Wow some of us old broads are really showing their ages.
"You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant, 'ceptin Alice"
Hugs,
Laurie
I do believe that we are putting a new meaning to "sitting on the group W bench", and it is a whole lot different than littering!
Tia Anne
Quote from: Anne Blake on December 13, 2017, 02:44:51 PM
I do believe that we are putting a new meaning to "sitting on the group W bench", and it is a whole lot different than littering!
Tia Anne
Ha ha ha! :D Yep, we sure are. Or maybe ours is the group T bench.
I can not tell a lie I put that piece of paper under that garbage. My favorite line had to do with sitting with 'father rapers' on that Group W bench, as I recall.
I thought when someone declared they were Laurie addicts you are supposed to yell, like, "Hello Megan." So, Hello Megan. My name is Moni and I have had a long term addiction to Laurie. I started with my gateway addiction to Jeannette and moved on to the harder stuff.
In response to your apology Laurie, I think I have about had enough. You are gonna be loved and like it young lady. I don't want to hear any more of your guff or it's up to your room without your supper. And no pictures on here of the food you didn't eat either.
Monica
Sorry, but someone had to say it.
Hi my name Davina and I have been a Laurie addict for over 300 days. Btw how are you getting on with the book, tempted to try one yet?
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 13, 2017, 03:13:38 PM
Ha ha ha! :D Yep, we sure are. Or maybe ours is the group T bench.
"I made fun of Moanie's name."
And they all moved away from me on the Group T bench.
"And I'm addicted to Laurie."
And they all moved back again. (Even Hairy Eyeball.)
Stepho Guthrie
I'm smiling Ladies. Smiling and laughing too. Thanks, all of you, for now I'm feeling pretty good.
Hugs,
Laurie
Def a Laurie addict! I can't get enough.
That's why I've stocked up on silk rope and my extra strength scarves. Once the honey badgers corner her I'll have lots of Laurie to play with!
Oh, we'll have so much fun!
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Uh Michelle,
About this room I'd be able to use next month if I happen to lose my way on the highway... It doesn't happen to have eye blots in the ceiling does it?
Laurie
I heard Michelle is always careful not leave any permanent marks [emoji23]
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
I, too, am a Laurie addict. And if that's wrong, I don't want to be right!
Quote from: Laurie on December 14, 2017, 12:49:22 AM
It doesn't happen to have eye blots in the ceiling does it?
I'm laughing so hard that I'm blotting
my eyes.
Eye blots? Oh, no, I assure you it is all freshly painted. None of the old stains show through.
Michelle
**SIGH** okay okay I made a typo sheeesh I make a lot of typos.
Now thanks to you ladies I have a blot on my good image.
I meant Bolts... eye bolts.
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on December 14, 2017, 09:24:30 PM
**SIGH** okay okay I made a typo sheeesh I make a lot of typos.
Now thanks to you ladies I have a blot on my good image.
I meant Bolts... eye bolts.
Laurie
I had a rather insane assumption that "eye blot" was another phrase for a peep hole in a someone's-eyes-moving-from-behind-a-painting-in-an-episode-of-Scooby-Doo sense. Eye bolt makes so much more sense in context. (I'm not joking at all, that was my actual first thought which I stuck with until reading the correction. :D)
Quote from: Roll on December 15, 2017, 12:09:33 AM
I had a rather insane assumption that "eye blot" was another phrase for a peep hole in a someone's-eyes-moving-from-behind-a-painting-in-an-episode-of-Scooby-Doo sense. Eye bolt makes so much more sense in context. (I'm not joking at all, that was my actual first thought which I stuck with until reading the correction. :D)
Ellie Ellie Ellie Ah to be young and innocent.
(Shaking head) Youngsters, gotta love em
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Folks,
Today was facial torture day. I prepped my mustache for it again, had already taken 3 ibuprofen, attempted to drown myself all morning and off I went with my white plastic wrapped mustache. Arrived early and waited in the truck until there were 10 minutes to go. I got to her door and see the "Do Not Disturb" sign still in place and hear voice inside so I went into the vacant office next door to fiddle with my phone and reply to a couple messages. About 10 minutes go by and I hear the current client leave and knocked on Christina's door and entered.
I made her happy today by greeting her cheerfully and replying to her usual "how are your today" question with a answer of "actually I'm doing pretty good today and have been doing pretty good for several days now" It wasn't quite the "I'm doing great" that she's said she wants to hear someday but it was a far cry from the "I'm okay I guess" she is used to hearing.
We talked of many things as usual, but when we talked of how I haven't wanted to have visitors or go visit friends for fear of losing control, breaking down and bawling if I were to talk with one of my friends about how bad I've been feeling recently and where my thoughts take me. She tried to tell me it would be okay and it's what women do and are expected to do under various circumstances. I tried to explain that it is one of my male conditioning problems. ie guys don't cry or lose control. I think she almost wanted to slap me up the side of the head for that comment. She said but your not a man and you never really have been. It's not losing control. It's normal, it's what us woman do and that it's also normal for women to talk to other women about their problems.
I really like Christina and she hears a lot of my problems as she inflicts pain upon my face. The hug at the end is always a welcome part of my visits.
Today was a Good day.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on December 15, 2017, 12:42:32 AM
Today was a Good day.
For me, too, since you said that. Every time you say such things I get all verklempt.
Steph
Laurie, I've always suspected that our electrologists are secretly therapists. You just confirmed it. ;)
I'm glad you had a good day.
Quote from: Michelle_P on December 15, 2017, 01:04:18 AM
Laurie, I've always suspected that our electrologists are secretly therapists. You just confirmed it. ;)
I'm glad you had a good day.
Michelle,
As near as I can figure, I have three besides the combined therapeutic entity that is Susan's Place. One being my dear Aussie friend Liz, that I talk to a lot via skype, the second is Christina my electrocutioner, and my VA therapist of course. I don't know which of the four I abuse the most. I think it's Liz.
Stephanie,
(Yes), I looked (it) up. Yiddish? really? At least I (didn't) have to hunt down a rabbi.
Tomorrow is therapy day at the VA.
Hugs,
Laurie
Don't feel bad Laurie, I Googled it too. Qapla'!
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Quote from: Megan. on December 15, 2017, 01:22:55 AM
Don't feel bad Laurie, I Googled it too. Qapla'!
Shazzbot!
Quote from: Laurie on December 15, 2017, 01:16:49 AM
(Yes), I looked (it) up. Yiddish? really? At least I (didn't) have to hunt down a rabbi.
Think Mike Myers on Saturday Night Live as Linda Richman hosting "Coffee Talk."
"Barbra Streisand. She's like buttah. Whenever I hear her I get all verklempt. Cawl. We'll tawlk. No big whoop..."
By the way, I see you worship the Roman god, Parentheses.
Steph
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 01:27:27 AM
Think Mike Myers on Saturday Night Live as Linda Richman hosting "Coffee Talk."
"Barbra Streisand. She's like buttah. Whenever I hear her I get all verklempt. Cawl. We'll tawlk. No big whoop..."
By the way, I see you worship the Roman god, Parentheses.
Steph
Shazam! you lost me at SNL. Was not my thing at all.
Bedtime
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on December 15, 2017, 01:32:44 AM
Shazam! you lost me at SNL. Was not my thing at all.
G'night! When you get a chance, look up a youtube video with those keywords. Believe me, you'll love it. It's like buttah.
Steph
Quote from: Laurie on December 15, 2017, 12:42:32 AM
.......
"actually I'm doing pretty good today and have been doing pretty good for several days now"
Today was a Good day.
Hugs,
Laurie
Nice, this makes me smile ;D
I'm Christina's Other Trans Client Who Is Also Registered At Susans.Org, and she indeed can't be beat in the bedside manner department. You're lucky to have her frying your face, Laurie!
Quote from: Laurie on December 15, 2017, 12:42:32 AM
Today was a Good day.
Yay for good days!! What a great start to my day reading this.
Quote from: Megan. on December 15, 2017, 01:22:55 AM
Don't feel bad Laurie, I Googled it too. Qapla'!
mova' jaj Dun!
Quote from: Sarah_P on December 15, 2017, 07:39:21 AM
mova' jaj Dun!
Wow, what a multilingual group we have here! Yiddish, Klingon, Orkan, Gomerpylish, British, Australian, even Canadian!
I'll tackle American Southern for all y'all, even though I'm a Damn Yankee. (For the uninitiated, a Yankee is a Northerner who comes to Florida. A Damn Yankee is a Northerner who comes to Florida and stays.)
Quote from: Laurie on December 15, 2017, 12:42:32 AM
Today was a Good day.
Hearing that makes me feel right some good!
(That's Nova Scotian)
Yay, so glad you are having a string of good days Laurie! That makes me so happy. All my love! :-*
Okay okay I give! Smiles, laughter, and feeling good for all!
It was a good day and this one looks like it will be another right up to this afternoon when I go to my therapy session. From that point on is anybody's guess.
Lucy- Yes Christina is a gem. She asks occasionally if I've talked to you again. Sadly I have to tell her no. We will need to fix that one of these days. It's not like we are a continent or ocean apart.
Sarah you got me with "mova' jaj Dun!" I couldn't find it and gave up after 15 minutes hunting because I was getting nowhere with it.
Liz- I love seeing you smile and the same goes for that new avatar picture.
Kathy, Patti and the rest of you thanks for joining in and making me smile some more.
Hugs all around,
Laurie
When you feel good, Laurie, we all feel good.
Quote from: MaryT on December 15, 2017, 03:07:24 PM
When you feel good, Laurie, we all feel good.
Thanks Mary
Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk
Quote from: Laurie on December 15, 2017, 12:44:39 PM
Okay okay I give! Smiles, laughter, and feeling good for all!
It was a good day and this one looks like it will be another right up to this afternoon when I go to my therapy session. From that point on is anybody's guess.
:D
Quote from: Laurie on December 15, 2017, 12:44:39 PM
Sarah you got me with "mova' jaj Dun!" I couldn't find it and gave up after 15 minutes hunting because I was getting nowhere with it.
You'd have to find a Klingon translator. Translates to: 'Today is a great day!'.
I used to know someone who could speak fluent Tolkien Elvish, too.
I looked in a few Kilngon translators and all I got was the great day part. I couldn't find the rest. But thought it was going to be something like what you said. I tried. Some people have too much time on their hands.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 15, 2017, 07:58:31 AM
Wow, what a multilingual group we have here! Yiddish, Klingon, Orkan, Gomerpylish, British, Australian, even Canadian!
I'll tackle American Southern for all y'all, even though I'm a Damn Yankee. (For the uninitiated, a Yankee is a Northerner who comes to Florida. A Damn Yankee is a Northerner who comes to Florida and stays.)
More Southern
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them.
You know your a redneck when you help your rich uncle take the wheels off his trailer.
You know your Southern when you know your 3rd cousin who lives on the 5 acres next door and are proud you did not marry her.
Hope your therapy appointment went well, Laurie. Sending big hugs and lots of love your way! :-*
Thank you Patti ((Hugs)) back to you. Therapy started out pretty good with him commenting that I appeared brighter and asking what had changed. I told him yes I did feel better and the antidepressant was increased and I thought it due to that.
Quote from: Laurie on December 18, 2017, 04:04:32 PM
Thank you Patti ((Hugs)) back to you. Therapy started out pretty good with him commenting that I appeared brighter and asking what had changed. I told him yes I did feel better and the antidepressant was increased and I thought it due to that.
Come on!! We all know it's "Therapy by Susan's"
I'm gladdened to hear that you're feeling better.
Quote from: Laurie on December 18, 2017, 04:04:32 PM
Thank you Patti ((Hugs)) back to you. Therapy started out pretty good with him commenting that I appeared brighter and asking what had changed. I told him yes I did feel better and the antidepressant was increased and I thought it due to that.
I'm feeling a bit dishonest about the post above. I'll explain. There was a reason I didn't post an update on my therapy session until Patti asked about it 3 days later. What I replied was true as far as it went. I did feel pretty good when I went into the meeting and the conversation was as related.
I left it at that because the discussion following was about how even though I had been feeling better nothing has really changed and though I'm not thinking of doing myself in I still don't like myself or feel I have any reason to be here. I've never really liked myself. I've grown up "knowing" that boys didn't want or do the things I liked. I "knew" it was "wrong" and later found out in books that I was a deviate, a pervert, or had a mental illness. Anyway I looked at it, it was wrong. I can point to all my dreams I had as a kid that once I'd accomplished them I failed at and ruined every one of them until I have nothing left that had been important.
Call it gender dysphoria if you want. I know my wanting to be a female played a part in all of it. My insecurities, my self loathing, my drug abuse and alcoholism and all the failures all are part of my not liking myself. And my losses of home, family, wife, daughter, and grandkids were all lost because of this wanting to be female. It makes me empty and without purpose and feeds my not wanting to be among the living any more.
You've heard this before, nothing has changed. It's all still there. That in itself wasn't the problem. My therapist has heard it before and I guess since I was feeling better he thought it time to do something about it. It was his suggestion that I say "I love you Laurie" He wanted me to say it right then and when I resisted he tried to coax it out of me even though I said I wouldn't. Even after I said I couldn't, because I don't believe it. I refused to do it and it was the end of the session. We agreed to meet again next year and I left in a worse mood than when I went in. That mood has persisted. I've had two people explain it to me that positive affirmation works. It well might, but I have a problem saying things that I do not believe. I don't love Laurie. I don't even like me. and I don't want to be here.
So now you have the rest of the story.
Now I owe not only Patti an apology but all of you that read this thread. I'm okay but I'm not where I led you all to think either. I'm sorry.
Laurie
Laurie, I am very sorry you are feeling down. Even if you don't currently feel like you can love Laurie, you are loved by others. Didn't you notice, this thread is full of Laurie groupies. With time, you will eventually join the Laurie fan club and realise what a beautiful person you are.
Hang in there sister, I love the person that is you.
(((HUG)))
Jayne
Laurie, therapists will from time to time, challenge us; that's part of the process.
Yours obviously thought you had the strength and were ready to be challenged, which is a great and positive sign!
If you weren't ready to say it, that's fine. I'd been seeing my therapist for over 2 years before I was able to say the same thing.
Even if you can't, I'll say it:
"I love you Laurie". X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Laurie, please take a step back. Hating things done to you/you've done to yourself. Hating your situation, hating feeling certain ways, wishing things were different. This is not self-hate, that is self-awareness. It may not be what you should be feeling, it's just there. I know some of these feeling. You get inundated by 'how' you should be from and early age, breaking through that is very traumatic for anyone.
...
...
umm, what was I saying
...
...
Let's go with this, Take the love and friendship that is Susans, soak in it & bask in it until you accept it as your own.
Hi Folks,
I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. I got to feeling lousy as Christmas got near so I did what I do when I don't want to face things. I ran and hid. Christmas didn't come here. I think it may have had something to do with my "shoot on sight" policy for that fat old jolly man in red. I almost got out my shotgun when I saw myself in the mirror yesterday. But then I remembered, that Jolly old fat man still has a healthy head of hair, not the bald top on the old man that I saw in the mirror.
For me, Christmas has never been a holiday I liked. Oh, there were some good ones like when I was still married and it was all about the kids and my wife. But I still didn't like it for myself. Or the last several years spending it with my daughter, and again, it was all about them and the grand kids. I went to church with them on Christmas eve and wore PJ's that one night of the year. I even accepted the one present they would pick out for me. My daughter knew I wanted nothing, but the grand kids want to get me something. One years it was a big coffee mug with Grandpa's on it. I hope it's not just sitting gathering dust in the cupboard, but knowing my daughter it's probably been given away to someone that will use it. Last year it was a tri-fold wallet which I did need, but now no longer use. Maybe I'll need it again.
I can't remember when I did want a gift. It had to be when I was a child. What I remember, is all the disappointments I unwrapped. It seemed I never got the things I really wanted so I quit wanting. Yet there always was something. It seems nobody listened. This year I got what I wanted. But even that couldn't make me happy. I missed my daughter and the kids, my eyes drawn to their old younger pictures on my wall. How many time I thought of them I couldn't have counted. Yes, there were some of those silent tears at times and more second guessing myself and thoughts of not wanting to be here. I almost made it through yesterday without crying, but last night my electrologist got through with a few texts wishing me a Merry Christmas and saying she was thinking about me. Again the tears came unbidden to run silently down my cheeks. Sleep has also been fitful the last two nights, almost as broken as before, complete with unsettling dreams that I don't remember now.
But I've survived Christmas to return online this afternoon and write thank yous and explanations to those who PM'ed me and apologize for worrying them. And now this post to try to explain it and apologize to everyone else that was worried or concerned or just thought about me these last couple of days.
Thank you my friends and I'm sorry if I made you worry.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie, I will always worry about you. That's what friends do. Your well being is important to me and everyone else here. I'm curious who the old man in the mirror was that you referred to. Do you have one of those two way mirrors that you can see through to the other side?
Whether it is Christmas or any other random time of the year, I am sorry you have been feeling down.
I have also felt rather crappy the past few days. But Christmas is over for another year and in a few days we will welcome 2018. I plan on making 2018 a much better year than 2017. Care to join me?
Jayne
Laurie Merry Christmas and to all that celebrate it, and Happy holidays to all others.
Have been somewhat busy lately, what with all the going out to clubs.
My family spends their holidays at their own homes with their kids. Since my partners death, I no longer have the energy to do anything by myself.
Christmas Eve (Sunday) went to my new favorite club. It is a cigar bar and all kinds of fancy whiskeys and a live band. Nice to be able to smoke my cigars indoors with some fine Bourbon whiskey. I drink mine slow and neat. Had about 5 different kinds over a 5 hour period. I guess I tolerate whiskey better than wine.
Went home alone again and slept in on Christmas. Called my father in Florida for an hour, not that he will remember much.
Waiting for the weekend of January 6, A very close CD friend that I have been courting (what do people call it nowadays), she/he will be off work for a few days, so we can do some partying. We may even go to the cigar bar.
Have all kinds of things to talk about with my Therapist this Thursday.
She has suggested I visit a place next week on a introduction to various kink/fetish stuff.
Laurie,
I'm glad you made it through, and have come back to us.
Many know how hard this time of year can be. But I hope you can also see the open road and opportunities for us to grow that a new year will bring.
Always here for you, without question, and with nothing but love. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
<long warm hug>
:icon_hug: :icon_flower:
Laurie you are so loved here! I'm happy we have become friends and I am certainly one of your groupies. Here's a hug for my big sister that has been such a huge help for me.
(((Hugs))) Jessica
Good to see you back posting, Laurie. ;D
Thank you folks.
Georgia,
I swear lady, I don't know how you can do that so much. I can picture you sitting in that cigar club surrounded by men all puffing on cigars and sipping on the bourbon. I used to enjoy a good cigar or pipe while my Chivas or Bushmills on the rocks. Alas they are but memories now, though I will admit to thinking of partaking of the spirits recently and thereby giving up 19 years of sobriety.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on December 27, 2017, 02:00:03 PMI will admit to thinking of partaking of the spirits recently and thereby giving up 19 years of sobriety.
Don't you even think about it, young lady! After letting you rake me over the coals last week, I will tolerate no backsliding from you! Don't make me come out there!
I mean it. I really don't want to go out there. Brrrrrrrr!
Stephanie
The only spirit you are permitted to touch is me when I am with you in spirit to give you a hug. Don't make me come there in person to give you one of those slaps up side of the head which you so fondly hand out to others. Got it!!!!
Jayne
Laurie, have a big [squish] from me.
From our chats you know I understand, and like you, there are times when I need my own sanctuary.
We will always be here when you emerge, and always encourage you as much as we can.
Rowan
Okay, okay. Calm down. I didn't drink and am not really likely to. Though I do sometimes wonder why not? Yes, it did pass through my head along with several other detrimental thoughts while feeling sorry for myself. But you see I did none of them. All I did do, was hide and try to ignore the outside world. For the better part of three days I watched Doctor Who while lying in my bed waiting for Christmas to go away.
Christmas is gone and so I have come out of hiding again.
Hugs,
Laurie
We are glad to have you out again Laurie. But remember, I have my eye on you sister.
Jayne
Dr Who fan, me to have seen them all from the first one. The best bit is the Dr has transgendered in the Christmas special ( ok regenerated into a female) cant wait for the new series.
Quote from: Laurie on December 27, 2017, 03:00:14 PM
Okay, okay. Calm down. I didn't drink and am not really likely to. Though I do sometimes wonder why not? Yes, it did pass through my head along with several other detrimental thoughts while feeling sorry for myself. But you see I did none of them. All I did do, was hide and try to ignore the outside world. For the better part of three days I watched Doctor Who while lying in my bed waiting for Christmas to go away.
Christmas is gone and so I have come out of hiding again.
Hugs,
Laurie
Is that kinda like Ground hog day...?
Quote from: ElizabethK on December 27, 2017, 03:52:37 PM
Is that kinda like Ground hog day...?
lol I suppose it does sound a bit like that.
Punxsutawney Laurie!
Quote from: Roll on December 28, 2017, 12:29:09 AM
Punxsutawney Laurie!
Silly girl. Got that road trip figured out yet?
Quote from: Roll on December 28, 2017, 12:29:09 AM
Punxsutawney Laurie!
Yup. If she pokes her head out and sees tinsel, there will be three more days of hiding...
Quote from: Michelle_P on December 28, 2017, 09:44:42 AM
Yup. If she pokes her head out and sees tinsel, there will be three more days of hiding...
ROFL, genius. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Quote from: Michelle_P on December 28, 2017, 09:44:42 AM
Quote from: Roll on December 28, 2017, 12:29:09 AM
Punxsutawney Laurie!
Yup. If she pokes her head out and sees tinsel, there will be three more days of hiding...
:laugh: Now that's funny! :laugh:
Hugs, Devlyn
I'd gopher that.
C'mon everyone, this is Laurie's thread. Let's stop groundhogging it. ;)
I'd say I've had my Phil.
- Stephanie
It's okay. I'm just going to blame it all on that Aussie Liz. She started all this silly nonsense from down under. I at least pop my head above ground once in a while.
I'm with you Laurie, (mis)quoting movies for sport .. Humor, it's a difficult concept.
Quote from: Laurie on December 28, 2017, 01:57:11 PM
It's okay. I'm just going to blame it all on that Aussie Liz. She started all this silly nonsense from down under. I at least pop my head above ground once in a while.
Got those Subterranean Homesick Blues...
- Stephanie
We be diggin' it.
Quote from: Roll on December 28, 2017, 12:29:09 AM
Punxsutawney Laurie!
Nice one Roll...could not have put that better myself ;D
Quote from: Michelle_P on December 28, 2017, 09:44:42 AM
Yup. If she pokes her head out and sees tinsel, there will be three more days of hiding...
Ahhh Michele love ya work.... ;D
I have been scratching my head wondering what Punxsutawney means. I finally gave up and googled it. Now I get it. Hahaha
Is it still funny if the penny finally dropped after a day? I'm laughing anyway, good one Roll [emoji23]
Quote from: Jayne01 on December 28, 2017, 08:59:23 PM
I have been scratching my head wondering what Punxsutawney means. I finally gave up and googled it. Now I get it. Hahaha
Is it still funny if the penny finally dropped after a day? I'm laughing anyway, good one Roll [emoji23]
Oh my! You haven't seen
Groundhog Day? - Stephanie
Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 28, 2017, 09:10:02 PM
Oh my! You haven't seen Goundhog Day?
- Stephanie
Yes, a long time ago. The groundhog's name obviously didn't stay with me. I was slow to the party, but I got there in the end.
I haven't see groundhog day you think another aussie with their heads down under is going to?
They're too busy tying me kangaroo down sport
Quote from: Laurie on December 28, 2017, 09:18:10 PM
They're too busy tying me kangaroo down sport
We're hopping mad down here.
Sorry that I don't have a joke to add in. But I will say that the ladies in this thread are absolutely awesome! It is funny to follow along with all the jokes that put a smile on my face. But it really melts me seeing all of you coming together and not letting someone you care about fade away or go away. It really is amazing to see that friendship on display!
And Laurie thank you again for helping me today! I enjoy catching up on this thread and add me in as another in your corner! Keep putting one step forward in the bad times! Even if you can't see it, this will pass.
Cheaney
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Quote from: davina61 on December 27, 2017, 03:40:57 PM
Dr Who fan, me to have seen them all from the first one. The best bit is the Dr has transgendered in the Christmas special ( ok regenerated into a female) cant wait for the new series.
Been a fan for ages. Oldest daughter is named after a 4th/5th doctors companion.
One thing I noticed during the regeneration sequence. It looked to me like the Doctor got a huge smile on her face after realising this regeneration is female.
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Quote from: Laurie on December 28, 2017, 09:18:10 PM
I haven't see groundhog day you think another aussie with their heads down under is going to?
They're too busy tying me kangaroo down sport
Well if you don't "Tie me Kangaroo down sport" you are lkely to get a jolly good kicking and considering the size of a Red Kangaroo you would only make that mistake once!!
http://r.duckduckgo.com/l/?kh=-1&uddg=http%3A%2F%2Ffactinator.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2014%2F03%2Fkangaroo.jpg (http://r.duckduckgo.com/l/?kh=-1&uddg=http%3A%2F%2Ffactinator.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2014%2F03%2Fkangaroo.jpg)
Today I let Kendra talk me into leaving my room for a couple hours to meet with her and two other wonderful people BethanyZ and Saha. I told Kendra, it was only because she brought those two to meet me that I accepted her offer of lunch. It was so nice to meet two more people from Susan's and two that are so important in Kendra's life. My total is now 13 members that I have met in person and I expect that number to keep rising.
The lunch was different but the company was wonderful. There were many hugs all round during our visit. We enjoyed each other's company for over two hours before walking to the parking area where we stopped to say goodbye. I almost made it without a tear, almost but not quite. I was okay up until Kendra said there were a lot of people at Susan's that love and care about me. That's all it took and there I stood choking up and eyes watering. We did get our goodbyes made and I headed up the stairs before the first tear overflowed to run down my cheek. At least I didn't break down bawling while at lunch like I was worried I would do.
We did have a good visit. It was really nice to see Kendra again and to meet Beth and Saha.
I am safely back in my room and it is past my bedtime again. I get to sleep pretty easy these nights with the help of melatonin. I also take a couple Benadryl to help me stay asleep, but the last 4 or 5 nights it hasn't been doing a very good job. I've been waking fairly frequently but I've been getting some periods long enough to dream. Unfortunately those dreams haven't been very good. Last night I woke up 3 times between 3 and 4 am and then managed another dream by sleeping late. Not it wasn't a good dream either. So I would describe my sleep as fitful even though I am getting more hours of sleep.
Well it's that time again... Goodnight folks.
Hugs,
Laurie
Sounds like a great time! We'll meet up eventually.
Sleep well! I have no idea why I'm awake right now.....
I'm glad they got you out, even if the food was 'different' [emoji5].
Kendra was right, there are a great many who care for you, and I'm heartened to see you intend to meet more, perhaps that is your Gonzo? - being a road-trip Queen would serve well.
I was cramped into a small hotel room last night with my two young children, I'll guarantee you slept better than me! Lol
As for dreams, I'd ignore them. You know you have a way yet to travel, so they will simply reflect where you are right now, but not where you can and will be. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Laurie I am sooo glad you met us for lunch - really great to see you, half a year went by so fast! You look great - and so classy (I often fail at that) :P And you met my better 2/3 Saha and Beth (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,231131.0.html) - yay!
It was cloudy the entire drive from Seattle. The clouds parted, the sun suddenly started shining and there was Laurie.
The hug and being able to see you was worth every mile - I need to make this drive more often. I got my Laurie fix! I need more.
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/lrxhkqpqg7vzz1s/2017-12-30%2014.55.38.jpg?raw=1)
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/cr1ewa84fahlvds/2017-12-30%2015.28.55.jpg?raw=1)
When Laurie said it was different, I didn't expect lunch to be upside down!
(Edit: First photo was originally upside down. Now I just sound insane again. ;D)
It was great to meet you Laurie!
You are a very sweet woman, thank you for coming out to meet us. I look forward to next time
Quote from: Kendra on December 31, 2017, 09:13:19 AM(https://www.dropbox.com/s/lrxhkqpqg7vzz1s/2017-12-30%2014.55.38.jpg?raw=1)
OMG! Had to take a moment to comment. Two of my most favoritest peoples looking so gorgeous! Laurie, that smile suits you so well!!! Just beautiful! It made me smile sooo big!
Happy!
Stephanie
Laurie looks great in that picture. I love the smile on her!
Looking good, ladies!
Thank you everyone. And thank you Kendra, Beth and Saha for getting me out of my room for more than checking the mail, taking the trash out and going to the grocery store. I enjoyed the visit with the three of you.
Hugs,
Laurie
Looks like a great time had by all! Love that sweater on you Laurie! And the smile! :)
Thank you Sarah. That sweater is one of my favorites and yes I can smile when I have a good reason. There just haven't been many good reasons for several months now.
Hugs,
Laurie
You ladies look awesome. I am so jealous, would love to be there. Crying? Isn't that a prerequisite to joining this club?
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on December 31, 2017, 12:42:37 PM
You ladies look awesome. I am so jealous, would love to be there. Crying? Isn't that a prerequisite to joining this club?
Moni
Hi there Minoly,
You my Dear, would have been as welcomed as I was by those three.
As for the crying, it does happen far too much here in our community. I hope the new year is better for everyone, but more so for those of us that are hurting. Tears of joy are fine, but when they do not stem from some happiness, it is so sad. It makes one want to reach out and just hug that person, pat their back or stroke their hair, and tell them everything will be okay. Unfortunately, all too often we cannot do that and try to help with words. Anything does help, but nothing can compare to a cleansing cry in the arms of someone that really does cares about you.
As you have said, being vulnerable and embracing it is the essence of a woman. Unfortunately, I have yet been able to accept myself as a woman, let alone being capable of embracing being vulnerable.
Love you Monica, and I wish you a Happy New Year.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Kendra on December 31, 2017, 09:13:19 AM
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/lrxhkqpqg7vzz1s/2017-12-30%2014.55.38.jpg?raw=1)
What a beautiful photo. You both look amazing and so happy. Laurie, it is so nice to see you smiling. There are so many people here that care about you. Seeing you in this photo with one of your biggest fans, together in person, both smiling is heartwarming.
Happy New Year, Laurie
(((HUG)))
Jayne
Quote from: Laurie on December 31, 2017, 01:35:12 PM
Hi there Minoly,
You my Dear, would have been as welcomed as I was by those three.
As for the crying, it does happen far too much here in our community. I hope the new year is better for everyone, but more so for those of us that are hurting. Tears of joy are fine, but when they do not stem from some happiness, it is so sad. It makes one want to reach out and just hug that person, pat their back or stroke their hair, and tell them everything will be okay. Unfortunately, all too often we cannot do that and try to help with words. Anything does help, but nothing can compare to a cleansing cry in the arms of someone that really does cares about you.
As you have said, being vulnerable and embracing it is the essence of a woman. Unfortunately, I have yet been able to accept myself as a woman, let alone being capable of embracing being vulnerable.
Love you Monica, and I wish you a Happy New Year.
Hugs,
Laurie
Laurie,
Hearing a note like this is a good start to my year. You mangling my name, getting out and seeing fantastic friends, well I have hopes that your unhappy tears will soon be replaced with more smiles and happy tears. I am still working on self acceptance, it is a long road. I haven't given up on you in your journey. No that is not happening. Next time you get a hug from me I will be standing up. lol
Love you too my friend,
Monica
Quote from: Kendra on December 31, 2017, 09:13:19 AM
Laurie I am sooo glad you met us for lunch - really great to see you, half a year went by so fast! You look great - and so classy (I often fail at that) :P And you met my better 2/3 Saha and Beth (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,231131.0.html) - yay!
It was cloudy the entire drive from Seattle. The clouds parted, the sun suddenly started shining and there was Laurie.
The hug and being able to see you was worth every mile - I need to make this drive more often. I got my Laurie fix! I need more.
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/lrxhkqpqg7vzz1s/2017-12-30%2014.55.38.jpg?raw=1)
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/cr1ewa84fahlvds/2017-12-30%2015.28.55.jpg?raw=1)
I mostly lurk these days but I had to chime in here, that top pic is just adorable and really made me smile. Happy New Year to all and may tons of your dreams be fulfilled in 2018. J
Love the pictures Laurie....See its not so bad out there is it ;)
What an amazing bunch of gorgeous happy looking people! X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Well there is 8 mins left of 2017 as I type so Happy New Year and love your jumper, what a good photo
I can feel the love from all of you. Thank you.
Looks like Laru started her new year early. Apparently wanting to get 2017 over with and get to the good year to come. Thanks Kendra.
And now its 12:00 Central time. Happy New Years, Y'all
Thank you Julie. Though I am in no more of a hurry for this year to be over than I am for the new year to begin. I just see it as another day with a different number. But that is just me.
It is just after 10 pm here and the melantonin and benadryl are telling me it's time for bed. So I will bid all of you a wish that you all have a
HAPPY NEW YEAR and all of 2018 too.
Goodnight all and hugs,
Laurie
Bridgeport Village, eh?
Yep, takes a village. ;)
Yes, Lucy Bridgeport Village, a place that has nothing for me normally. A place for the young urban professionals (yuppies) and not a place for an old fart like me. This time, (my second visit since it was built) it did have something for me 3 wonderful people I had to meet. I even braved entering a fruit store to find them. (I am allergic to that variety of fruit) Fortunately we left before I got more than a slight rash from being inside. I had met Kendra before, of course and knew that BethanyZ and Saha were special to her so I was wanting to meet them, and now I have.
I have a question for you Lucy. When are you going to come out to Christina? I can tell you she doesn't bite and is used to folk like us. Besides she make a good confidant and therapist and she is a joy to have as a friend even though she does tend to sting.
I hope you had a good New Years Eve.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on January 01, 2018, 12:12:35 PM
> I even braved entering a fruit store to find them. (I am allergic to that variety of fruit) Fortunately we left before I got more than a slight rash from being inside.
In 1991 I joined a large Seattle-area software company (intern in 1990), yeah we met inside an Apple Store picking up the MacBook I'd ordered. In the past, never thought I would transition operating systems.
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/ot3r6dy87bcmy0d/File%20Jan%2001%2C%202%2005%2005%20PM.jpeg?raw=1)
Quote from: Kendra on January 01, 2018, 01:07:48 PM
In 1991 I joined a large Seattle-area software company (intern in 1990), yeah we met inside an Apple Store picking up the MacBook I'd ordered. In the past, never thought I would transition operating systems.
(https://www.dropbox.com/s/ot3r6dy87bcmy0d/File%20Jan%2001%2C%202%2005%2005%20PM.jpeg?raw=1)
Don't worry, you can always detransition! [emoji23]
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Windows into my past, iSee.
Quote from: Kendra on January 01, 2018, 01:07:48 PM
In 1991 I joined a large Seattle-area software company (intern in 1990), yeah we met inside an Apple Store picking up the MacBook I'd ordered. In the past, never thought I would transition operating systems.
I started running Apple products in 1998 and so far, nobody has complained about the quality of my work because of the computer I am running. Beside that, if you really start missing the older environment, you can run Windows along side Apple software. All you need to do is run Boot camp.
Nope, still not going to do fruit. Besides I had enough of boot camp way back in 1971. Ain't gunna happen.
I thought MAC did really good make-overs.
Quote from: Laurie on January 01, 2018, 12:12:35 PMI have a question for you Lucy. When are you going to come out to Christina? I can tell you she doesn't bite and is used to folk like us. Besides she make a good confidant and therapist and she is a joy to have as a friend even though she does tend to sting.
I hope you had a good New Years Eve.
Hugs,
Laurie
Oh, I've been going to her en femme since the start, I've just never bothered to use this name; although, as it happens, I did bring it up this last session. In the last few months I've dialed it back to more androgynous, it's more how I feel at the moment, like I'm a building under construction. Using Lucy everywhere is a step I feel I haven't reached yet, so I persist with my male name.
Shes says Lucy is also a store name, some place that sells womens' activewear.
Bridgeport's a bit tosh for me, too. Might be a fun place to go strolling around, though. "Village" also always makes me think of this weird TV show from the 60s, The Prisoner, whose title character was unable to escape from this little seaside hamlet "The Village" that he found himself in.
Aha!!!!
#6
I am not a number
#6....
Quote from: Lucy Ross on January 01, 2018, 06:21:37 PM
Oh, I've been going to her en femme since the start, I've just never bothered to use this name; although, as it happens, I did bring it up this last session. In the last few months I've dialed it back to more androgynous, it's more how I feel at the moment, like I'm a building under construction. Using Lucy everywhere is a step I feel I haven't reached yet, so I persist with my male name.
Shes says Lucy is also a store name, some place that sells womens' activewear.
Bridgeport's a bit tosh for me, too. Might be a fun place to go strolling around, though. "Village" also always makes me think of this weird TV show from the 60s, The Prisoner, whose title character was unable to escape from this little seaside hamlet "The Village" that he found himself in.
Well you didn't tell me you went to her en femme so I can stop being cagey when talking of you to her? She might call you Lucy if I do. I thought you were going dressed as a guy.
I used to watch The Prisoner too and the Avengers.
That show (The Prisoner) sounds really interesting actually, and seems to have a great audience rating. I'm surprised no one has tried to do a remake.
Edit: Oh. They did in 2009.
Edit 2: Oh. And Ridley Scott is making a movie. HOW HAVE I NEVER HEARD OF THIS?
We are needed Mrs. Peele. When Emma Peele would beat up the bad boys while wearing her leather outfits.
Mrs Peele was always my hero and I spent more time looking at what she was wearing than the story line...but I used to spend a lot of time doing that.
In all honesty, so did I. And there was April Dancer, the Girl from UNCLE.
Oh I am so with Liz on Emma Peele. LOVED Emma.
Christina knows I'm transitioning too, so feel free to talk about Lucy. Minus anything TMI, natch. I never bring up personal matters I've read on this board either, natch X 100. When your face is full of lye burning out follicles it's kinda hard to be a chatty gossip anyway...
Ridley Scott might actually make a decent Prisoner film. "I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered! My life is my own!"
They did make a mini-series of it. Just like they did the Invaders with Scott Bakula
Happy 2018 Laurie! Sorry I have been away for a while--was visiting my parents for xmas / my bday / new year's eve. Looks like you had a wonderful lunch with Kendra & co! Love and hugs!!!! :-*
Hi Patti,
Well since you were on vacation I guess I should say Merry Christmas, ! ittaP ,yadhtriB yppaH Happy Birthday, Patti !, and Happy New Year to you Patti. Glad you made it home for the holidays and back safely.
Love ya
Laurie
Hi Folks,
My friend from Missouri, Peggy, has been here in Oregon for the holidays visiting two of her kids and her three grand kids. She messaged me this morning talking about a sale at Victoria Secret where they had good smelling stuff on sale for $4.99 each which is about a 3rd of the normal price. She asked if I want to go shopping with her I didn't say yeah or nay. After telling another member here who shall remain nameless (but her initials are BethanyZ) and getting admonished and told I should go by hey. I acquiesced and told Peggy okay.
So I found myself showered, fresh face paint, and wigged in the car with Peggy and her youngest grand daughter on my way to the mall. Once there we headed directly to VS and all the way in the back where we proceeded to sample their wares 2 tubes of hand lotion and 6 bottles of spray fragrance mist later we pay our bill and head out of the mall but on the way out I saw a kiosk down a bit from where we were that is doing brow threading. I had watched them doing it on my last visit about a month or more ago. Peggy had never heard of it before so I explained what threading was to her. She wanted to see it so we went down to watch. Unfortunately they were not working on anyone. We talk to one of the techs and she demonstrated how it was done on Peggy's arm they asked if we wanted to do it. I had told Peggy I almost did the time I had watched it before and she could see I was tempted so she said go ahead if you want to we can wait. So there I was in the chair leaned back and head back a little more. I had pushed my wig up some so the tech could get at my brows a bit easier. she was almost done when she went over to the corner to get a small brow brush and scissors when My wig fell off. I managed to catch it and put it back on. I don't know if anyone saw or even if the tech saw or if I had some of my own hair sticking out but it was on. She finished trimming my brows and I was done. I paid her the $15 and a 33% tip.
So now I know what it is like to have my brows threaded. Both Peggy and I have returned to our abodes smelling like workers in a french bordello and happy with out purchases. I am safely back in my room.
Tomorrow I have 2 appointments. the first I am not enthused about going I'd rather skip it, but I will go. I am still a bit peeved with my therapist after last visit. The second appointment is with my speech pathologist for another voice lesson. That one I won't mind going to.
That's all folks.
Hugs,
Laurie
Sounds like you had a good time with Peggy and her granddaughter at the mall. Well except for the wig mishap, which you seem to have done a nice recovery.
Does brow threading hurt or is it just like plucking?
Jayne
Therapists can be sort of annoying, especially when a good one starts pushing us to deal with stuff we'd rather not. Not a comfortable experience.
I have a therapist appointment tomorrow as well. *SIGH*
My speech therapy appointments were fun. Essentially an hour of girl talk, some scripted, while instrumentation ratfinked my voice foibles to the speech therapist. I'm getting better at maintaining speech pitch and prosody. Practice, practice, practice...
Nice job on the wig recovery! I sort of cheat. I use double-sided wig tape to keep the forehead placed properly, so I couldn't have shifted the wig, but then it also wouldn't fall off. For brow work (I have mine waxed at a Benefit Brow Bar) I just push my hair out of the way. Same for electrolysis.
I use this tape: https://www.amazon.com/Lace-Curve-Hypo-allergenic-Piece-Adhesive/dp/B00XDQ77CC (https://www.amazon.com/Lace-Curve-Hypo-allergenic-Piece-Adhesive/dp/B00XDQ77CC) The pieces are pretty big, so I cut them in half along their length and usually cut those pieces in half again, getting 4 pieces from each.
Hi Jayne,
Yes I enjoyed the time at the mall though we didn't do any window shopping. I found threading to be less pain than plucking. It wasn't bad at all. I was surprised. my brows are now a bit thinner and cleaner above and below with a bit of an arch. She didn't really have a lot to work with but I like it.
In late 2015, my wife and I spent two Saturday's in a row shopping. The second Saturday we arrived at the shops before they opened (after a very early morning therapy session) and we stayed until after they closed. Neither of us are shoppers and we had such an awesome time. The shopping trips were to find women's clothes for me. The shopping part was a lot of fun. The women's clothes for me ended in a spectacular disaster, but that is another story from my past.
I'm glad you had a good time. It's nice seeing the old Laurie back. You look good with a smile on your face.
Jayne
Hey Laurie, very glad you got out and got some lush smellies!
I have my brows threaded (and tinted inc. lashes) after a waxing mishap left me looking like I'd been in a fight! Great isn't it, and now you've done it once, you can just go back any time you like [emoji4]
Please be sure to tell your therapist how you feel about them, with that feedback they can better understand where you are on your comfort scale and if you're ready to be challenged again, or just need support and a friendly ear.
Megan. X
Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk
Sounds like you had a lush time , keep thinking about getting my brows done but always working(sigh)
Quote from: Laurie on January 03, 2018, 12:28:14 AM
Hi Jayne,
Yes I enjoyed the time at the mall though we didn't do any window shopping. I found threading to be less pain than plucking. It wasn't bad at all. I was surprised. my brows are now a bit thinner and cleaner above and below with a bit of an arch. She didn't really have a lot to work with but I like it.
Nice thread.
Quote from: Kendra on January 03, 2018, 09:15:30 AM
Nice thread.
It raised my eyebrows. Plucked at my heartstrings.
Or you can wax poetic.
Quote from: Kendra on January 03, 2018, 09:59:28 AM
Or you can wax poetic.
I tried microblading once, but the tiny wheels kept getting caught in the cracks.
(Yes, I've used that one before.)
Stephanie
Glad to hear that you had a nice outing with Peggy & her granddaughter! I hope that therapy and speech go well for you today. It's almost like you are on some kind of SCHEDULE! The horror!!! <3<3
Sounds like fun! That's on my list of top priorities after moving & going full-time: Better feminize my eyebrows, and get my ears pierced.
I have heard of painful threading stories so I just have my electrolygist continue to shape my brows so at some point they will only require trimming from time to time.
I can't wait until the HRT starts working and I can do a few things like that.
Whew that was a close call ! but then you can just say alopecia as backup
first time threading it made my stomach churn....mind you you she was pruneing a forest
Dont have to wait for hrt Cali they can do the guy version which makes a huge improvement
Quote from: Anne Blake on January 03, 2018, 12:51:40 PM
I have heard of painful threading stories so I just have my electrolygist continue to shape my brows so at some point they will only require trimming from time to time.
That's a first... using electrolysis to avoid pain. ;)
Yes Kendra, you got me there but the theory goes that dealing with the pain a few times beats doing it every month for years and years. And the little bit of added pain from the eyebrows is trivial compared to doing the whole face. And you do know about that.
I had my eyebrows done with electrolysis about a year before starting HRT. Actually that's the only way I have had my eyebrows shaped, worked great.
Hi folks,
Well I had a good 2 or three paragraphs typed in about thread hijacking and misnaming that woman what's her name. Then telling all about my therapy visit and what we talked about complete with ocular leakage in writing it. I was into telling you all about what happened when I told him he made me mad last time. I was then going to tell about my visit with my voice coach when I ran into a new microsoft feature. It is really neat. It waits until you are in the middle of something then locks your computer up tighter than a beaver butt in winter. Only way out is reset or turn it off and on. It does it at least once a day. There is no fix for it and as usual I don't think Microsoft has even acknowledged it. From what I understand the only cure is to go back to a release that is over a year ago November of 2016. So as I said I lost my really nice post in the middle of it.
So you all will just have to settle for the tidbits I have put down here.
Hugs,
Laurie
Bill Gates is an evil alien who works for that evil queen Dysphoria or however you spell her name :)
There is one fix, Laurie. It involves fruit, which I know frightens you. But I know you are brave. As they say, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. !
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 03, 2018, 10:59:42 PM
There is one fix, Laurie. It involves fruit, which I know frightens you. But I know you are brave. As they say, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. !
SLAP Go wash out your mouth with soap young lady
Thanks Markie.
Quote from: Laurie on January 03, 2018, 11:17:57 PM
SLAP
Go wash out your mouth with soap young lady
Oh come on!! You know you want a byte of this apple. It tastes soooooo good. Just one little byte, that's all. It will MAC you feel soooooo gooooood. iPromise it won't hurt.
[emoji83]
iJayne
SLAP SLAP
Perhaps she'd like my Apple Crisp. Four apples, plus some other bits of mostly healthy stuff. Trust me...
Quote from: Michelle_P on January 03, 2018, 11:43:39 PM
Perhaps she'd like my Apple Crisp. Four apples, plus some other bits of mostly healthy stuff. Trust me...
Mmmm, sounds good. I'll have Laurie's share, she seems to have an allergic reaction to apples. They cause her to throw out random slaps.
Peach or apricot or berry would be better. I wonder if you could make a mince crisp? hmmmm I have a few jars still.
Apple Pie or Crumble is better I think but having said that Apple Crisp looks decidedly good..just needs a little Rhubarb and it would be magic....(Ducking)
Quote from: ElizabethK on January 03, 2018, 11:56:46 PM
Apple Pie or Crumble is better I think but having said that Apple Crisp looks decidedly good..just needs a little Rhubarb and it would be magic....(Ducking)
Ooo, yeah! And some cheesecake with ketchup on it!
I was going to suggest something fruity, too, but I know better, even though the people here she secretly admires most all use them (don't we, Jayne?) She won't even use MAC cosmetics. Besides, an iPad is small enough for me to use up here on the fridge.
- Stephanie
Cheesecake with ketchup???? Really? I'm not sure whether or not to take you seriously. Are you feeling ok up on that fridge. Laurie, it's time to get her down now
::) ::) ::) I'm only allergic to the one type of fruit. The edible kind are okay but are not a favorite of mine when cooked but I have been known to eat it. As for that particular type I'm liable to put it in the oven and cook it to a nice black crisp.
Let her down? Not only no but HELL NO!
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 04, 2018, 12:02:38 AM
Ooo, yeah! And some cheesecake with ketchup on it!
I was going to suggest something fruity, too, but I know better, even though the people here she secretly admires most all use them (don't we, Jayne?) She won't even use MAC cosmetics. Besides, an iPad is small enough for me to use up here on the fridge.
- Stephanie
Cheesecake yes....ketchup is just...eeeewwwwhhhhh
is the world different from "on top of the fridge"
Quote from: ElizabethK on January 04, 2018, 12:12:39 AM
Cheesecake yes....ketchup is just...eeeewwwwhhhhh
is the world different from "on top of the fridge"
I tend to agree. I love cheesecake, especially baked ricotta cheesecake. I do like ketchup on my burgers or chips (fries for you northern folks!), but on cheesecake? However, I am open to try new things.
I can just see Steph's horns peeking through her hair, with a cheesy grin on her face as she tries to make us eat strange things.
Quote from: ElizabethK on January 04, 2018, 12:12:39 AM
Cheesecake yes....ketchup is just...eeeewwwwhhhhh
is the world different from "on top of the fridge"
I tried to think of the things Lau(rie) hates the most and combined them. But yeah, the air is pretty thin way up here.
Stephanie
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 04, 2018, 12:02:38 AM
I was going to suggest something fruity, too, but I know better, even though the people here she secretly admires most all use them (don't we, Jayne?)
Oh sorry, you derailed me with your ketchup. Yes, I have changed my diet to exclusively fruit and my blood pressure has lowered significantly.
Well I converted to a full fruit diet a few years ago and plunged in with a high end laptop fruit piece which I have to admit worked 12/7/365 for 5 years.
It went rotten so I took it to the main grocery shop who agreed that there was nothing wrong with the computer part but the keyboard and touch pad had got fruit fly infestation and would cost $1000 to fix.
I'm thinking that a non-fruit with software in continual development is disposable for that price.
She says typing this on her 27 inch desk top fruit that she loves.
- except my photos still look rotten. Damn fruit. Can't interpret my camera to show what is in my mind. Useless. Grumble, grumble, where are my meds?
$1000 to fix a keyboard and touchpad???? talk about over-charging. That's horrible. Unless the parts are very expensive (unlikely) $100-150 tops.
Quote from: Faith on January 04, 2018, 06:08:42 AM
$1000 to fix a keyboard and touchpad???? talk about over-charging. That's horrible. Unless the parts are very expensive (unlikely) $100-150 tops.
The term is 'proprietary', a word that translates to the practice of a manufacturer gouging their customers for repairs and parts because they cannot be obtained elsewhere. That is one of the reasons I don't do fruit and would not do Compaq years ago. Another is that I refuse to become part of the cult mentality that surrounds their products. Non fruit hardware works just a good but the major software I used leave something to be desired at times. It sure isn't as stable as it should be and they rarely admit to of fix wide spread problems. The more bells and whistles software that is added only makes more instability. That btw, is common of every OS I have ever encountered from PCs to mainframes.
Laurie
And here I thought you all had been talking about grapes, oranges, etc.
Quote from: Cali on January 04, 2018, 10:45:35 AM
And here I thought you all had been talking about grapes, oranges, etc.
Well Cali, we were. Fruit in various varieties is all. I just like the good ones and everyone else prefer different ones.
Hugs,
Laurie
It's the Steinbeck PC - the grapes of wrath when it crashes.
Quote from: Laurie on January 03, 2018, 10:32:17 PM
Hi folks,
Well I had a good 2 or three paragraphs typed in about thread hijacking and misnaming that woman what's her name. Then telling all about my therapy visit and what we talked about complete with ocular leakage in writing it. I was into telling you all about what happened when I told him he made me mad last time. I was then going to tell about my visit with my voice coach when I ran into a new microsoft feature. It is really neat. It waits until you are in the middle of something then locks your computer up tighter than a beaver butt in winter. Only way out is reset or turn it off and on. It does it at least once a day. There is no fix for it and as usual I don't think Microsoft has even acknowledged it. From what I understand the only cure is to go back to a release that is over a year ago November of 2016. So as I said I lost my really nice post in the middle of it.
So you all will just have to settle for the tidbits I have put down here.
Hugs,
Laurie
Wait, what? Who hijacked a beaver's butt? Bill Gates? What?
Ever since an auto update a few days ago every time I log on to here I get an error, cant find the page but click on link in top of board and works fine.Thats the trouble with computers they byte back
try redoing your shortcut
Quote from: Anne Blake on January 03, 2018, 12:51:40 PM
I have heard of painful threading stories so I just have my electrolygist continue to shape my brows so at some point they will only require trimming from time to time.
Last time I was in for a threading, I heard another lady come in ask to get her upper lip done. That hurt just to hear.
Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk
Quote from: TonyaW on January 05, 2018, 03:15:27 PM
Last time I was in for a threading, I heard another lady come in ask to get her upper lip done. That hurt just to hear.
Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk
Ouch!
Hi folks,
I have been somewhat off since my last outing to the mall. I guess sort of in a funk again by hanging out in the dark areas of my mind again. I have been sharing? no that's not right, burdening some of you with my thoughts and I thank you for listening and responding. I don't think I've let it leak out too much in the forum but I do know some has and I'm sorry for that. I am sure the antidepressant is doing something. I'm still having the same dark thoughts but without the hysterics or urgency of before, they're still there but more detached. Like looking at them from the side and without the emotions. Analytical if you will.
I got out of my room again today for an appointment I've been waiting for since the summer. My optometry appoint for new glasses. Women's glasses. On the way in while climbing some stairs in a narrow stairwell a guy was coming down and as he approached he said "Pardon me, Ma'am". It made me smile. when I checked into the reception desk I asked if they could put a note into the system to let the others know I was going by Laurie now. The lady said she would see if she could and I went on back to wait. It wasn't long and the exam tech come out and called Leonard W****** so I got up and went with her telling her I go by Laurie now. Exam done, prescription entered and I have number 43 for the frames folk who submit the orders. I walk out and look at the board and 43 id there. The door is open and there is a woman there saying goodbye to her client. I walk up and ask her if they were ready for 43. She says Yes and are you W***** ? I say yes the is me and I go bye Laurie now and averted another call for Leonard. We talk about the kind of lenses I'd like and then she asks if I was wanting to pick out some more feminine frames. I say yes I've been waiting to get my first woman's glasses and she she me to the woman's frame display. after a bit she come over to ask if I've decided on a pair. I said I kinda like a wire smaller rectangular pair with a metallic reddish purple coloring to them mostly noticeable on the earpieces and show then to her. She then shows me another pair a bit larger in the lens they are sort of a bronze but she tells me they come in the other color that I like too. So I try them both on and they both look good and I like them both, So I ask her which ones she thinks look best on me and she says she liked the larger ones so that is what I picked. And we go sit again so she can take measurements and puts the order together and enters it and prints the prescription out for me so I can order some sunglasses elsewhere if I want. This should have been one of Stephanie and Cassie's "squeeeeeee" moments but it wasn't. I was pleased to be getting them, yes and I was happy about it I guess but no squeeeee. I'm not much of a squeeer anyway, never have been. As I went to check out I got the same lady at the desk and she still had my info in front of her and she told me they were still look to see if there was some way to get my preferred name put into their system and had ever got their manager involved. Oh well maybe next time.
So in 2 - 3 weeks I will have my new glasses. Next outing is Thursday for more facial torture. Christina know who I am there.
It's bedtime. Good night girls and boys and everyone in between. Love ya.
Hugs,
Laurie
Jeepers Laurie's getting new peepers ;D Glasses can make a huge difference in framing your face, enjoy your new look when they arrive.
I'm also having numerous bureaucratic name issues. Even my doc. called me ****** the last time I saw him and then quickly stumbled to Sadie after realising his faux pas. He's a lovely man though and we both smiled as I left the room.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
When I went to see Dr. Lightbody at Kaiser he asked what name I wanted to go by. It has been listed on my medical record since my first visit. Of course my male name was Don and now I am Dawn so it isn't so hard. Like recognizing someone is talking to me. I mean, if I chose a name like say "Kate" I may not know who you are talking about. I just went to visit Dr, yesterday and I felt like I was in Cheers. Where everybody knows your name. I used to be Mr. B but now I'm just Dawn.
My therapist slipped and called me male name. Not a huge deal to me at this point, and actually took me a minute to notice, but at the same time that I did notice at all says something is really starting to change with how I feel about that. (Was over e-mail though, and my e-mails are still sent under male name, so probably why.)
I'm jealous of your new glasses! I can't afford new frames right now, but I desperately want to ditch my current ones. They are overwhelming male in a weird rare example of overcompensation on my part. (I put a ton of gender neutral frames back because I thought they looked too feminine. I mean, they were also a little hipstery which isn't my thing, but the gender was the main thing.)
Quote from: Roll on January 10, 2018, 10:46:42 AM
My therapist slipped and called me male name. Not a huge deal to me at this point, and actually took me a minute to notice, but at the same time that I did notice at all says something is really starting to change with how I feel about that. (Was over e-mail though, and my e-mails are still sent under male name, so probably why.)
I'm jealous of your new glasses! I can't afford new frames right now, but I desperately want to ditch my current ones. They are overwhelming male in a weird rare example of overcompensation on my part. (I put a ton of gender neutral frames back because I thought they looked too feminine. I mean, they were also a little hipstery which isn't my thing, but the gender was the main thing.)
Now that you mentioned glasses, I have to start thinking of my new style and color and what's best to compliment clothes.
A hundred years ago when in Marine boot camp I was told I'd have to wear glasses and they issued some horrid plastic glasses that we had a nickname for. It took me two years of haggling to finally get aviator or flight glasses issued and have worn that style over 40 years. Now I've seen some women wearing aviator style glasses and to me they always looked sexy. Guess I'll have wait until I see what the goddess HRT give me first :)
Laurie, Ellie; I'd like to suggest Zenni Optical as a good place to get glasses. It's a mail order company, but once you have your prescription and pupillary distance (distance between eye centers in millimeters), you can get glasses pretty cheap. OK, really cheap. My daily outdoor/driving glasses do not have the progressive lenses or similar options, just a frame, basic lens, and a protective coating. My total cost was under $20 US.
https://www.zennioptical.com/p/plastic-full-rim-frame-with-spring-hinges/2681?skuId=268118 (https://www.zennioptical.com/p/plastic-full-rim-frame-with-spring-hinges/2681?skuId=268118)
They show the frame price. Then you can go through the process to pick the lens material, coatings including tints, and get a final price.
Quote from: Michelle_P on January 10, 2018, 11:09:53 AM
Laurie, Ellie; I'd like to suggest Zenni Optical as a good place to get glasses. It's a mail order company, but once you have your prescription and pupillary distance (distance between eye centers in millimeters), you can get glasses pretty cheap. OK, really cheap. My daily outdoor/driving glasses do not have the progressive lenses or similar options, just a frame, basic lens, and a protective coating. My total cost was under $20 US.
https://www.zennioptical.com/p/plastic-full-rim-frame-with-spring-hinges/2681?skuId=268118 (https://www.zennioptical.com/p/plastic-full-rim-frame-with-spring-hinges/2681?skuId=268118)
They show the frame price. Then you can go through the process to pick the lens material, coatings including tints, and get a final price.
Wow, that's awesome. Thanks for the intel, I mean info :)
I think your squeee moment will come when you try on your new glasses, Laurie! I am glad to hear that your negative thoughts are becoming less urgent and more detached. It does seem like with time the medicine and therapy are working. I am so glad that you are sticking with the program. I am really starting to miss you, girl--any chance you'll road trip over here come spring? Lots of love! :-*
Hi Laurie,
Don't make me come there and return one of your slaps! There is to be no apologising for sharing how you feel with your friends. If you are in a funk and need to let it out, we are here and willing to listen. Got it!!!
Now that I have that out of the way, being able to look at your emotions in a detached fashion is a really good thing. You don't get absorbed into those emotions when you can view them in that way. Getting absorbed and pulled into the vortex created by negative thoughts and emotions tends to be a self feeding cycle that is difficult to pull yourself out from. Congratulations on being able to make that progress. The dark thoughts will still come and go, but over time they will become less frequent until they are nothing more than an occasional nuisance.
Getting your new glasses will be exciting. As Sadie said, the glasses can make a very big difference to your look. Please show us a photo with your glasses when you get them.
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 10, 2018, 04:36:29 PM
Hi Laurie,
Don't make me come there and return one of your slaps! There is to be no apologising for sharing how you feel with your friends. If you are in a funk and need to let it out, we are here and willing to listen. Got it!!!
....
Jayne
Be assured ladies she does get a few virtual slaps from me when she does this kind of thing...imagine the scene out of Flying High...I am first in line carrying a virtual paddle to belt some bums when needed....and Laurie is no exception...Now, has she let Steph down off the fridge yet!!
Quote from: ElizabethK on January 10, 2018, 04:49:02 PM
Be assured ladies she does get a few virtual slaps from me when she does this kind of thing...imagine the scene out of Flying High...I am first in line carrying a virtual paddle to belt some bums when needed....and Laurie is no exception...Now, has she let Steph down off the fridge yet!!
That good to know Liz. If she is willing do hand out slaps, she should also be prepared to get some back when she misbehaves.
Yes, Steph is down off the fridge. She found some chocolate up there and was on a sugar high.
Jayne
Quote from: ElizabethK on January 10, 2018, 04:49:02 PM
I am first in line carrying a virtual paddle to belt some bums when needed....and Laurie is no exception...Now, has she let Steph down off the fridge yet!!
Oh, promises, promises... First Laurie and now you...
My bum does appear to be a bigger target these days. This skirt is giving me a heck of a time...
Quote from: Michelle_P on January 10, 2018, 06:18:42 PM
Oh, promises, promises... First Laurie and now you...
My bum does appear to be a bigger target these days. This skirt is giving me a heck of a time...
Oh Michelle! I was talking about Laurie when it comes to bum smacking but you are more than welcome to join in...although I am not really that kind of girl...I guess for you, I would make an exception >:-) ;D
Hi Folks,
I just read through all your responses and I was surprised by those who see my feeling kind of detached with my dark thoughts is a good thing. I sort of thought of it as pretty much the opposite. But you could be right I suppose. It sure as heck wouldn't be the first time I've been wrong.
The glasses will certainly help making my fat face look a little bit better. More than that they will make me feel a little better. I have been wanting and tempted to get women's glasses for so many years that it isn't funny. These are without a doubt a woman's glasses, No guy would wear this color. They are not too feminine from the front as the color is harder to discern but looking at the ear pieces you can see the color plainly. And yes I will post a picture showing how they look on and may even change my avatar if I can get a good picture.
Michelle, I remembered your last post where you mentioned Zenni and the need for pupil distance so I specifically asked that it be included on my prescription printout. I didn't remember the company though. The lady helping me did mention Zenni as a good online source. She said she has had some bring glasses in from Zenni to have the prescription checked and they were right on. These are the grey tinting lenses that change with the different light levels. But I've said before I want to get a pair of big sunglasses too.
My dear Patti, still my number one fan. Love ya girl. Heck I love all of ya I think. Anyway, road trip, I may be up for a short one fairly soon. Probably south. I've said I'd go visit that diminutive one in Florida. I have a feeling if I do that I'll need to begin another road trip thread or a sequel to the first. Where I may go on it is anybody's guess. I surely don't know. I think it would be another marathon trip again though. But at this point I don't know if I'm going anywhere anytime soon.
Shy, I am so glad to see you come back. Yes, I've missed you here.
Ellie you will get your glasses eventually and even if you have to wait,girl you won't have had to wait as long as I did.
Dawn, Kaiser is a bit different than dealing with the government. All my medical is from the VA.
Cali, the Navy had the same glasses. I had them too.
Jayne, are you trying for yet another smack? Those were custom slaps made just for you and they were gifts so they are not returnable.
As for Liz, She doesn't get off scott free. I give her a piece of my mind when she needs it. But much more of the times she it the one receiving my crap and calling me on it. She gets much much more of my down time than I share here. She deserves your sympathy and my thanks, even though she talks funny.
Today hasn't been a bad day.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on January 10, 2018, 09:21:12 PM
Anyway, road trip, I may be up for a short one fairly soon. Probably south. I've said I'd go visit that diminutive one in Florida.
!!!
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
!!!
Hey! Careful what you say about Liz talking funny. Sure she originated from the other side of the ditch, but has been living in the big land down under long enough to be considered an Aussie. We don't talk funny down here. We have no accent, everyone else has an accent. [emoji41]
As for being detached from the dark thoughts. When I learnt how to see myself in that detached fashion was the moment I was able to stop getting deeply depressed. I could sense myself heading down that slippery slope, usually brought on by some kind of random dark thought. I would then make a conscious effort to detach myself from those thoughts almost as if I was witnessing someone else's experience. That would allow me to maintain a rational thought process without getting consumed by depression. It has changed my whole outlook on life and allowed me to enjoy being alive. My journey to becoming Jayne is now an enjoyable process instead of being something I am forced to endure.
And now let's talk about these slaps. I admit that I needed a slap from time to time and have even requested a slap once to knock some sense into me. I would not be returning your custom gift slaps, they are mine, you gave them to me and I am keeping them. Thank you. I do, however, have my very own custom slap making facility with a nice pile of freshly made slaps with your name on them just waiting to be delivered if the need arises.
I do like it when you are having good days. Keep the momentum going.
Jayne
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 09:30:00 PM
!!!
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
!!!
Stephanie, Stephanie, ::) Stephanie,
I knew I should have started another paragraph. Please note the division and highlighting in the two statements below. Also please note that I am not reneging on my stated commitment either.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on January 10, 2018, 09:21:12 PM
Anyway, road trip, I may be up for a short one fairly soon. Probably south.
Quote
I've said I'd go visit that diminutive one in Florida. I have a feeling if I do that, I'll need to begin another road trip thread or a sequel to the first. Where I may go on it is anybody's guess. I surely don't know. I think it would be another marathon trip again though. But at this point, I don't know if I'm going anywhere anytime soon.
Now Ms. Jayne you wouldn't slap your elder would you?
I'm glad you were able to work out of your depression. I'm not so sure about mine.
Hugs,
Laurie
Professional opinion, would it be too much if I went with the pink rectangle frames (https://www.zennioptical.com/p/womens-acetate-plastic-rectangle-eyeglass-frames/44237?skuId=4423719)?
Quote from: Laurie on January 10, 2018, 10:05:50 PM
Now Ms. Jayne you wouldn't slap your elder would you?
Physical age is irrelevant. Just because you are senior to me in years doesn't mean I wouldn't slap you if you've earned it.
Quote
I'm glad you were able to work out of your depression. I'm not so sure about mine.
Hugs,
Laurie
I believe in you. Start by reading some of the things you write when you offer your support to others and then apply it to yourself. You are capable of great empathy and compassion, while not being afraid to speak your mind, I know because I have been at the receiving end of it and thank you for your support. You are an amazing friend to others, be a friend to Laurie, she is a pretty awesome gal.
Jayne
Quote from: Laurie on January 10, 2018, 10:02:34 PM
Stephanie, Stephanie, ::) Stephanie,
I knew I should have started another paragraph. Please note the division and highlighting in the two statements below. Also please note that I am not reneging on my stated commitment either.
Stephanie sad. :'(
Naw, I get it. You'll get here some day. Or I'll have to go there. A slap doesn't take up much room in the luggage. How I'm going to pack the fridge, I don't know.
Quote from: Roll on January 10, 2018, 10:12:07 PM
Professional opinion, would it be too much if I went with the pink rectangle frames (https://www.zennioptical.com/p/womens-acetate-plastic-rectangle-eyeglass-frames/44237?skuId=4423719)?
I don't know Ellie. You may be able to rock those but outside of the color they don't appear very girly to me. I think you you would be better served by a pair the look a little more stylish maybe a bit of sparkle on the ear pieces. But then again you are young and I'm not I have no idea what a younger lady considers stylish these days and for you that is probably an important consideration. Get out to a mall and take note of what the other young ladies are wearing. I'm old enough that the only one I need to impress is myself.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 10, 2018, 10:18:11 PM
I believe in you. Start by reading some of the things you write when you offer your support to others and then apply it to yourself. You are capable of great empathy and compassion, while not being afraid to speak your mind, I know because I have been at the receiving end of it and thank you for your support. You are an amazing friend to others, be a friend to Laurie, she is a pretty awesome gal.
Jayne
Awww shucks Jayne, Thank you. :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 10, 2018, 10:29:39 PM
Stephanie sad. :'(
Naw, I get it. You'll get here some day. Or I'll have to go there. A slap doesn't take up much room in the luggage. How I'm going to pack the fridge, I don't know.
(It will (happen), Stephanie. (I) did promise you it would. I just have some umm issues to handle and clear a long enough (hole in my) schedule. You know how I enjoy my (facial torture, therapy) and medical appointments.)
(Hugs,
Laurie)
You also love your (parenthesis). [emoji12]
(Jayne)
Quote from: Roll on January 10, 2018, 10:12:07 PM
Professional opinion, would it be too much if I went with the pink rectangle frames (https://www.zennioptical.com/p/womens-acetate-plastic-rectangle-eyeglass-frames/44237?skuId=4423719)?
I think they are very cute!
Laurie, believe it or not I do think the detachment from the negative feelings are a good sign. But please do not take my word for it--discuss with your therapist as they are most qualified. Of course I remain your #1 fan! And all these would-be slappers are gonna have to come through me first! :laugh: I love you too, girl! :-* I can't wait to see you in your new specs.
Speaking of glasses, I like those pink ones, Ellie. Zenni does have lots of cute pink frames if you decide you want to try a different shape. The rectangle shape is more unisex/masculine sometimes, although one reviewer on that pair did say that they are not quite straight across and have a little more of a cat-eye shape to them. What I ended up doing was going into a brick and mortar store to try glasses on, figure out which styles really suited my face, wrote down some numbers (glasses have measurements of how big the various pieces are printed on the temple arm, and that info makes comparing with online shops easier), and then ordered a pair online at a more affordable price.
Quote from: Roll on January 10, 2018, 10:12:07 PM
Professional opinion, would it be too much if I went with the pink rectangle frames (https://www.zennioptical.com/p/womens-acetate-plastic-rectangle-eyeglass-frames/44237?skuId=4423719)?
You could make that work so easy and the colour is great!! Go for it
Liz
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 10, 2018, 10:18:11 PM
...........
I believe in you. Start by reading some of the things you write when you offer your support to others and then apply it to yourself.
.....................................
Jayne
Jayne have you been listening in to Laurie and I chatting :D ...I could have sworn I said this to her before but we do "talk funny" down here so maybe she missed it? :o ;D
Liz
Quote from: ElizabethK on January 11, 2018, 06:04:52 PM
Jayne have you been listening in to Laurie and I chatting :D ...I could have sworn I said this to her before but we do "talk funny" down here so maybe she missed it? :o ;D
Liz
No I haven't been listening, but Laurie can be stubborn when it comes to being kind to herself. Makes me want to shake her sometimes. [emoji15] The shake would be followed by a hug or maybe a slap if she has earned one.
As far as "talking funny"......whatever do you mean? I know that I speak perfectly without any accent at all. [emoji56] It must be the kiwi coming out in you that makes Laurie think all us Aussies speak funny. [emoji41]
Jayne
Quote from: Jayne01 on January 11, 2018, 06:14:05 PM
No I haven't been listening, but Laurie can be stubborn when it comes to being kind to herself. Makes me want to shake her sometimes. [emoji15] The shake would be followed by a hug or maybe a slap if she has earned one.
As far as "talking funny"......whatever do you mean? I know that I speak perfectly without any accent at all. [emoji56] It must be the kiwi coming out in you that makes Laurie think all us Aussies speak funny. [emoji41]
Jayne
Come on now, be serious!!!!!
We all know that you talk funny because you're standing upside down - just go flush the loo and see which way the water goes, duh fer sure. :laugh:
Again my thoughts got the best of me after reading some posts in another thread. That is where I penned this reply and then thought better of posting it there. As you will see it wasn't appropriate in anyone's thread but this one. This is the kind of thing I find myself writing in a reply only to delete it and move on or try again. Sometimes, okay quite a few times, my head is not a good place to be.
"Halfway through... Life" "1/3 ..life remaining"
"I wanted to live it as myself." "will be on my terms"
"self-acceptance"
(These are quotes from a few posts in another thread. Just things that triggered my thoughts below.)
Ah Life. It is nice to feel you have a future. Time taken for granted. Time left to do things. For myself I feel I am already living on borrowed time. I am 2 1/2 years past my last life expectancy estimate, and at Least 4 years past the one before. So by the implication of those posts I should hurry to be who I want to be, and yet I'm not. Instead I have more of a why bother or a it doesn't matter when I'm not wanting it to come to an end.
Then there's that second line. They are good too. They show determination to achieve your personal goals. Drive to become who you are inside. I find myself coasting, doing what I already started yes, but the drive has shut off. My goals lost in this mire called depression. I no longer really care about them. Again they don't matter.
And that brings us to the last thing Self acceptance. I don't need to go into detail, you've heard it all before. If I were to get past those first two lines I would still have to deal with self acceptance and it's is there I am stuck, stymied, stalemated. I can't get past that one. To do that I would have to at least like myself and that I cannot do. My therapist wants me to say things I cannot say because it's not true. Again it doesn't matter anyway because I haven't gotten past those first two. I keep hearing and thinking "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica in my head.
There's nothing profound I can tell you that you haven't heard from people far more experienced than I, but maybe I can offer this...
(Forgive me for the roundabout lead up. I don't want to get bogged down with details, but at the same time I feel like there is a certain level of information in order to convey things properly.)
My mother was a romantic. Also, despite being extremely intelligence, she was extraordinarily naive and innocent. She literally viewed the world as if it was a Disney movie. (Complete with strange ideas about what animals do when we aren't around. I once spent the better part of an hour trying to explain that my cat wasn't going to visit a girlfriend when he went outside in a Lady and the Tramp type scenario.) When she met my dad, it was like a storybook romance to her. Things proceeded how those stories usually do, complete with tragedies overcome along the way. Deaths of friends and family, my dad being sent to Vietnam while my older brother was a newborn. But throughout it all, that sense of old fashioned boy meets girl romance maintained. I've been told a million wonderfully happy stories as well as of countless hardships. To skip a few decades in the name of brevity, one day my dad informs her he is having and affair and wants a divorce. She... did not see that coming. At all. Like... not even the tiniest little bit. Her faith in him and in the story had been absolute. I led up to this in such a manner to show that, while few divorces are pleasant, because of who my mom was as a person, this was very much an extreme.
She made her first attempt to take her own life shortly after. And not a cry for help attempt, she genuinely believed she was doing the right thing and that if that was happening it was because of her and that everyone else was better off without her. Suffice to say, I and my brothers and the countless people who viewed her as all but a living saint did not see it that way. And as the use of the word first implies, the attempts continued. Thankfully it turned out she wasn't very good at committing suicide, and I do not mean that in a glib sense in the slightest.
She spent the remaining years of her life in a state very reminiscent of the one you described here.
On the first line... She thought she was too old to start dating or make new friends, and didn't really have a desire to try. (In her mind, her marriage was until death, even if by any even religious standard because of my dad's actions she was no longer bound by marriage vows.) Beyond that, she didn't believe she had anything in the future to look forward to at all. (Her one big thing in that regard was she worried about me since I was still dependent on her, but that's not exactly the same as hope for the future.)
On the second line... She said a number of times that this was not how she wanted to live, nor ever remotely envisioned spending the rest of her life. Her life was certainly not on her own terms.
And the third line... self-acceptance... well, she was always still convinced that it was all her fault, and she never really did make peace with that.
Yet... despite all of that, she kept going. She never did reconcile those three issues, but yet she still managed to live and actually begin to live fairly happily, more and more as time passed. Not in the way she wanted to be, not with the person she wanted to be happy with, and not at peace with herself. And despite it all, when she did pass away, while she accepted she was dying she no longer wanted to die. It confused her after everything else that came before that she could want to not just survive, but truly live.
Maybe those three things are important. But at the same time, maybe they aren't a prerequisite to truly living.
I don't know what all of this means in the context of what you are going through, I don't even begin to assume that it helps in the slightest... I don't know anything basically except that I know I don't anything. But I couldn't help but think of all of this while reading your post, and I felt that if there is even a tiny fraction of a chance this does mean anything, it was worth saying.
Thank you for your thoughts Ellie. I'm sorry your Mom has passed away and more so that she had to live without finding a solution to her feelings. As I said in another post I had hoped my cancer had returned so I could die without shame or blame. It or something like it would still be welcome. I'm not thinking of doing it myself for now at any rate, if that matters.
Quote from: Laurie on January 12, 2018, 09:57:33 PM
Again my thoughts got the best of me after reading some posts in another thread. That is where I penned this reply and then thought better of posting it there. As you will see it wasn't appropriate in anyone's thread but this one. This is the kind of thing I find myself writing in a reply only to delete it and move on or try again. Sometimes, okay quite a few times, my head is not a good place to be.
"Halfway through... Life" "1/3 ..life remaining"
"I wanted to live it as myself." "will be on my terms"
"self-acceptance"
(These are quotes from a few posts in another thread. Just things that triggered my thoughts below.)
Ah Life. It is nice to feel you have a future. Time taken for granted. Time left to do things. For myself I feel I am already living on borrowed time. I am 2 1/2 years past my last life expectancy estimate, and at Least 4 years past the one before. So by the implication of those posts I should hurry to be who I want to be, and yet I'm not. Instead I have more of a why bother or a it doesn't matter when I'm not wanting it to come to an end.
Then there's that second line. They are good too. They show determination to achieve your personal goals. Drive to become who you are inside. I find myself coasting, doing what I already started yes, but the drive has shut off. My goals lost in this mire called depression. I no longer really care about them. Again they don't matter.
And that brings us to the last thing Self acceptance. I don't need to go into detail, you've heard it all before. If I were to get past those first two lines I would still have to deal with self acceptance and it's is there I am stuck, stymied, stalemated. I can't get past that one. To do that I would have to at least like myself and that I cannot do. My therapist want me to says things I can say because it's not true. Again it doesn't matter anyway because I haven't gotten past those first two. I keep hearing and thinking "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica in my head.
Laurie, the thread you are referring to is mine. If the recent post I made has triggered any kind of pain, I am deeply very sorry. I can't make it so you had not read it, what I can do is offer my support.
The three quotes you mentioned, may I suggest reversing the order.
Work on the self acceptance, that is a tough one, but once you work it out the other things kind of start falling into place on their own.
Living as yourself, on your own terms. Well, once you have accepted yourself, you will
want to live as yourself on your own terms and you will find a way to make that happen.
And finally, however much of your life is remaining, with the self acceptance and living as yourself under control, the remaining time will be enjoyable and fulfilling. This is something my therapist and I actually talked about last week. I told her I am 45 and likely more than half way through my life. She said that when you live your life just going through the motions, life goes quickly because each day is like any other. When you are living a full life with a whole variety of experiences, life goes slower. I am already noticing that. It has only been a few months since I have really accepted myself and started taking steps to be the true me. Those few months have been a rich experience with many highs and some lows, but overall, that time seems like it has passed slower because each day was different.
I don't know how to help you accept yourself, I think that is something you need to work out on your own. I accept you as a good friend, who is always willing to put your own issues aside to offer support to others. Your gender is irrelevant, you are a good person. Whether you feel like a woman, a man or something in between doesn't change a thing. You are still you. That is something to be proud of.
Take care of yourself.
(((HUG)))
Jayne
Quote from: Laurie on January 12, 2018, 09:57:33 PM
If I were to get past those first two lines I would still have to deal with self acceptance and it's is there I am stuck, stymied, stalemated. I can't get past that one. To do that I would have to at least like myself and that I cannot do.
Sweetie, I think that's the other way around. Before you can like yourself, you first have to accept yourself. Accept who you are as a person. The emotion is further down the road.
I know how much you're struggling with this, Laurie. From what you've told me, I can see why it's hard for you. The only thing really I can add to what I've already said privately is that... well... I understand a lot of how you're feeling. I've been to a lot of those places. And the self-hatred is very real, and very powerful. But self-acceptance is a different thing, imo. I didn't dislike myself any less when I'd accepted who I was. It didn't suddenly make everything better. But it did offer a shift in perspective and allow me to start questioning my feelings. To start to question a lot of the things I was blaming myself for. And that was a step on the road to... well... a better place.
For me it was not about being who I wanted to be, it was just understanding who I always was. And I think it may be the same for you, sweetie. You don't have to like that person, not yet, just understand and accept who she is. The rest will come when it comes.
*extra big hug*
Evening folks,
It is 6:17 pm. I've been up and online for about 12 hours. This morning this thread was towards the top of the first page of four on my recent posts since last login. I started at the bottom of page 4 and have just gotten to this thread at the bottom of page four. This site is active (meaning you people post too much).
Anyway I made it here and have read your responses and thank you for them.
Yes Jane it was your thread where I wrote this. And now you know why I could not leave it there. It was your thread but not what you said in it, or rather not you alone. Those quotes came from different posts not yours alone. It was the references to life times left and lived and those other quotes too combined that triggered my thoughts. It was the aggregate of them not any one. The order I listed them in really didn't matter except for that was how my thoughts came out. My ramblings on each are my thoughts on them, yes, but the only thing that they all have in common are that none of them matter to me any more.
And Sephirah, You know what I think about what you have to say. You talk with your heart in every post you make. I know that you understand and I am sorry that you do. Still you hold hope out to everyone you talk to. You try to do that with me but I don't have hope. Whats worse I don't even want that hope you offer. I'm afraid what I want is an end. I just don't know when but I'll welcome it when it comes. In the mean time I try not to think too much about it but like the post above sometime it just comes out. Susan's gives me distraction. Something to do while I wait that keeps me from the hurt I feel. I feel broken beyond repair. I just want an end.
Laurie, believe it or not, I have been where you are. I had lost hope and was just going through the motions waiting for the end. Several times I even tried to take a short cut to that end. One day, something came over me and I said to myself "Enough is enough!" I had people that care about me even when I didn't. I felt that I needed to at least try and make an effort to make peace with who I am. At first, it took a considerable effort because I couldn't just flip a switch and start liking myself. But I am stubborn, so I continued to try and find small things about myself that I didn't hate. I still didn't like myself, I was only finding things that I hated less than others. Eventually, I started to find some parts of me that I liked (as a person, not physically). Slowly, more and more of me became likeable and I broke free from the grips of depression.
You may have given up hope, and claim you don't even want hope. I have not given up on you and will not be giving up on you.
You are a good person, Laurie. You have a big heart, always willing to help others even when you are in a bad personal space. Give yourself a chance. Be kind to yourself and you might start seeing the same awesome person I and everyone else here sees.
(((HUG))), [[[SLAP!!!]]], (((HUG)))
I don't know whether to hug you or slap you, so you got both. You said you feel broken. Let your friends help get you unbroken.
Jayne
Again Laurie, we all love you, and are ready whenever needed to slap some sense into you. ;D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0GW0Vnr9Yc
I keep thinking I need to take a trip north. I don't know why. Perhaps it is the siren song of Powell's Books, or a craving for specialty coffees. Or the honey badgers are eager to find new hunting grounds...
I'll figure it out eventually.
Quote from: Laurie on January 13, 2018, 08:53:11 PM
And Sephirah, You know what I think about what you have to say. You talk with your heart in every post you make. I know that you understand and I am sorry that you do. Still you hold hope out to everyone you talk to. You try to do that with me but I don't have hope. Whats worse I don't even want that hope you offer. I'm afraid what I want is an end. I just don't know when but I'll welcome it when it comes. In the mean time I try not to think too much about it but like the post above sometime it just comes out. Susan's gives me distraction. Something to do while I wait that keeps me from the hurt I feel. I feel broken beyond repair. I just want an end.
You're right, Laurie, I do speak from my heart. I don't know any other way to be. I say what I believe. I don't believe anything, or anyone, is a lost cause. And that includes you. And the more I read your posts to other people, the more I believe that. I've seen how you are with people. That light inside you isn't gone. It isn't gone at all.
You remember what I said to you about the void? I was wrong. It isn't that. It's an eclipse. That's the feeling I get from you. I can see the light shining out from you, touching others, and showing them the warmth, care, and gentleness you have inside you. The patience and tolerance... the understanding and empathy. I know it's there.
But you have a big shadow over your own heart, sweetie. Which stops that light shining through to yourself. Right there in the middle of yourself. Your light shines out everywhere else, but not in the middle. Not in yourself.
What you have to understand is that this shadow isn't you. It isn't who you are. I've seen the kind of person you are, from how you are with others. Actions speak louder than words. And sometimes it takes people on the outside to see what we can't see ourselves. It takes an outside perspective to show us everything we've blinded ourselves to, with all the self-hate and the resignation.
I do speak from my heart and my heart tells me that you're someone who's in a lot of pain, feeling a lot of guilt, and blaming herself for a lot of things. Some of which may be misplaced. Sweetie, mental pain is no different, really, from physical pain. It's an indicator that part of us needs to heal.
You aren't broken beyond repair, sweetie. In all honesty, if someone truly didn't care, then they wouldn't care what happened to anyone else, either. But you do. Your compassion, your love, heart and soul is there for all to see. All except you. But that is something that isn't beyond being fixed, Laurie. It isn't. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I am saying it is possible. I'm kinda proof of that, lol.
Depression isn't you anymore than the guy you tried, unsuccessfully, to be for so many years. It isn't. It's something that happens to you. And something you can deal with. You didn't give up with that, so I know you have more steel in your soul than you maybe think you do. And I believe you can get past this.
As much as you may not want to hear this, I have to say it anyway. You have so much to offer, Laurie. So much inside you to make this world a better place. For a lot of people, including yourself. You certainly made me not feel quite so out of place and apprehensive when I came back here. And for that, I thank you.
You can beat this, sweetie. And, well, I'm sorry but I'm going to keep annoying you with my optimism, so you may as well get used to it, missy. :)
I believe in you. And I still hope that one day you will believe in yourself. *extra big hug*
Laurie, what Sephirah said!!! ^^^^^^^^
I ain't giving up on you either sister, so get used to that as well.
(((HUG)))
Jayne
Laurie,
It pains me to see you going through what you are going through. As others have observed, I, too, see a beautiful, loving soul in you. I think the metaphor of an eclipse, an total eclipse the soul, if you will, is most apt. Kindness and hope radiate from you. Just not within.
I have told you before about some similarity in our situations in that my daughter saw fit to cast me aside. When that happened to me, I went into a deep, debilitating depression. To get through it all, I took antidepressants. They helped me cope. But eventually, several years, I found that, although the hurt had not gone away, it was no long ever present. It had receded into the background. Meanwhile, the antidepressants were still doing their thing. But antidepressants are not pro-exhilarators. So, after sometime, while I did not hurt too badly too often, I mostly just felt numb. Not dead. Not alive. Not really wanting to be dead but not enthusiatic about living either. So, eventually, I stopped the antidepressants and started feeling the life within. I still, to this day, have pangs of hurt on occasion. As long as I live, the hurt will only be one thought away. It is just no longer ever-present. Other thoughts and concerns have won their need for my attention. Beginning to live again has accelerated the process. Every new experience demands its share of my attention.
I don't know if this is what you are experiencing or not. I don't know if the hurt has subsided enough for you to take the antidepressant training wheels off yet. I just relate my experience to you as a possible template to give you hope that someday, soon, we all hope, you can feel alive again.
Please, be careful and work with your doctors and therapists to figure this all out. And keep us in the loop. We all care very much for you.
All my best wishes for a beautiful soul,
Stephanie
Laurie,
I am sorry you are hurting so badly right now. I would encourage you to read the words of those who have posted here, people whose love and admiration for you is expressed more beautifully than anything I can write. However, as your #1 fan, I consider myself the de facto leader of this ragtag bunch, and I think the message is very, very clear: we don't like you. We LOVE you. We REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LOVE YOU! You are a treasure, and I am so grateful that you have outlived every prognosis so far. I beg you to keep fighting for yourself, Laurie. I love you.
Quote from: sterusjon on January 16, 2018, 05:26:00 AM
Laurie,
It pains me to see you going through what you are going through. As others have observed, I, too, see a beautiful, loving soul in you. I think the metaphor of an eclipse, an total eclipse the soul, if you will, is most apt. Kindness and hope radiate from you. Just not within.
I have told you before about some similarity in our situations in that my daughter saw fit to cast me aside. When that happened to me, I went into a deep, debilitating depression. To get through it all, I took antidepressants. They helped me cope. But eventually, several years, I found that, although the hurt had not gone away, it was no long ever present. It had receded into the background. Meanwhile, the antidepressants were still doing their thing. But antidepressants are not pro-exhilarators. So, after sometime, while I did not hurt too badly too often, I mostly just felt numb. Not dead. Not alive. Not really wanting to be dead but not enthusiatic about living either. So, eventually, I stopped the antidepressants and started feeling the life within. I still, to this day, have pangs of hurt on occasion. As long as I live, the hurt will only be one thought away. It is just no longer ever-present. Other thoughts and concerns have won their need for my attention. Beginning to live again has accelerated the process. Every new experience demands its share of my attention.
I don't know if this is what you are experiencing or not. I don't know if the hurt has subsided enough for you to take the antidepressant training wheels off yet. I just relate my experience to you as a possible template to give you hope that someday, soon, we all hope, you can feel alive again.
Please, be careful and work with your doctors and therapists to figure this all out. And keep us in the loop. We all care very much for you.
All my best wishes for a beautiful soul,
Stephanie
Hi Stephanie,
First thank you for taking the time to comment. I know you don't do it that often. I feel sort of honored that 3 of your last 4 posts have been to me. Yes, I looked and I saw how few times you have posted since you joined us here. And yes you and I do share some of the same hurt and the depression it spawned. You as you say have found a way to push that pain off into a dark corner so you can function again. You have said you do not understand why your daughter felt she needed to shut you out and that I think makes her action even more hard to understand. For me even though it happened months ago now it is still fresh and the pain of it still hurts. I haven't been able to put that hurt in a box and push it back into the dark shadows of my mind yet. Instead it has been the cause of fetching one of those boxes from the shadows that I shoved there more than 20 years ago. The one that had had me sitting under the trees in the midst of the sounds of life and peace surrounding me wanting to blow my head off. It brought me right back to that day wishing I had pulled the trigger. Some days I still wish I had.
The antidepressant is working in that I am not actively thinking of suicide now but I would still welcome death if he came knocking. Therapy is continuing but now it dosen't focus just on my gender issues but has also brought out that my gender problems started so long ago and my self hate goes all the way back to childhood. I think it added to my depression and remains a sticking point keeping me from moving and depression keeps me from caring.
One more thing that has added to my not caring if I live to tomorrow is my cancer history. It haunts me. I am not supposed to be here. Twice I was supposed to die from it. Yet I am here. Instead of joy I face an uncertain future. Three times I have fought with it. The forth will no doubt kill me if I even live that long. All of these contribute to my not wanting to be here and not caring if I were to die. it just doesn't matter... nothing else matters. Dying would be a blessing. If I don't wake up tomorrow I'm okay with that. My affairs are in order and there is no need for me to be here.
Hell I've said what I wanted to say and more would just be rambling. I am sorry of the situation with your daughter Stephanie. It is horrible to feel that loss. (((Hugs))) And thank you for your thoughts.
Hugs,
Laurie
Now if that was me I would be thinking still here there must be a reason behind it so make life count. Looks like your reason is to help folk on here. Big hugs and xxxs and go and make a curry
Ok Laurie,
If you have nothing left to lose then get off line, point your pickup truck NW and drive out here so we can throw rocks in the ocean. Someone needs to fill all these S...Holes we keep hearing about. It's sunny and almost 60 degrees and you could make it before sunset. Dinner out, a warm fire and cozy bed are waiting for you.
Love and Hugs for real when you get here.....
Quote from: p on January 16, 2018, 12:54:50 PM
Laurie,
I am sorry you are hurting so badly right now. I would encourage you to read the words of those who have posted here, people whose love and admiration for you is expressed more beautifully than anything I can write. However, as your #1 fan, I consider myself the de facto leader of this ragtag bunch, and I think the message is very, very clear: we don't like you. We LOVE you. We REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LOVE YOU! You are a treasure, and I am so grateful that you have outlived every prognosis so far. I beg you to keep fighting for yourself, Laurie. I love you.
Patty,
I do read the replies I get here and I read every word though most of them wind up having to be read through a filter of tears. I appreciate every one of them. I know they and you love me though I can't understand why. Not with the way I see myself. The two are so far apart that it hurts to read how you and the others see and feel about me sometimes. But that is a problem of mine that I have had a long time and it is something I need to learn to deal with and probably long over due. So no one need stop posting what the feel or think.
Hugs Patty,
Laurie
Thanks Davina,
Yes yes I need to get cracking on reading that book but tbh I haven't been much on doing anything for awhile. I need to get the oil changed (well over due) a pollution control device replaced and the 4WD fixed. I have to have a smog inspection passed before I can re register the pickup before February and it still isn't done. Cooking supper hasn't been high on the radar lately.
Hugs to you Davina,
Laurie
Quote from: Tessa James on January 16, 2018, 03:10:53 PM
Ok Laurie,
If you have nothing left to lose then get off line, point your pickup truck NW and drive out here so we can throw rocks in the ocean. Someone needs to fill all these S...Holes we keep hearing about. It's sunny and almost 60 degrees and you could make it before sunset. Dinner out, a warm fire and cozy bed are waiting for you.
Love and Hugs for real when you get here.....
Hi Tessa,
Thanks for the comment and the phone call. It was very nice to talk with you again. I thank you for the warm invite again. it is very tempting and I think I could visit again now that the antidepressant is working. Before it would have been and was out of the question. It is just a matter of when as I can't right now, but I will.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Laurie on January 16, 2018, 02:23:11 PM
Dying would be a blessing. If I don't wake up tomorrow I'm okay with that. My affairs are in order and there is no need for me to be here.
What kind foolish talk is that girl! I need you here as does everyone else. I am Jayne on this forum, but in the real world I am still John. I am a work in progress and have quite a long way to go. Who is going to set me straight, speak her mind and give me slap
when I stumble. I say "when", not "if" because, well you know me, that's how I roll. You want a purpose? How about being the great supporting friend that you are to so many people on this forum. Most of us you have never met in real life and may appear as little more than a username on a screen, possibly with an attached photo. On the other side of that username is a very real person, often feeling very real pain. Your thoughtful and supportive comments go a very long way to ease that pain. So be kinder to yourself, learn to like yourself, everyone else here already likes you.
(((SHAKE)))
(((SLAP)))
I need my friend, Laurie! Don't give up on yourself.
(((HUG)))
Jayne
Hi Laurie sorry to see you down ,i actally had this post written succintly hrs ago then i some how deleted it....ooh i hate that then i went and got lost in the subburbs
But afew things i remmember having known the depths of depressive despair
Was that it was cyclic and i just had to wait it out
another was something i read somewhere
" depression is living in the past "
"fear is living in the future "
theres not much i can add to what others have said
But i understand how you may feel
We had an incident while up at work someone decided to step out
the next day luke and i were sitting down having lunch it was beautiful balmy day almost idyllic
I turned to luke and said beaut day aye ,he agreed
and then i realised what if the person had just waited one night...what if
oh the thing i read was
" if you find yourself going through hell...keep going"
Best wishs we want you to stay😊
Jayne and Markie,
Thank you both for caring and posting to let me know that you do. I know some of my post cause you all some concern. I appreciate that. But here I say what I am feeling and sometimes it isn't good. But it is what it is. I won't apologize for it of you know who and her henchman will fight over who gets to slap me. Either that or they will take turns. I sure wouldn't put that past them.
Anyway the yawning from the pills has been nagging me to go to bed so I will bid you all a good night.
Hugs,
Laurie
Morning Laurie, or is it bedtime or something else interdimentional in that strange country you live in. ;D
Just wishing you a wonderful day, I'm off out shopping and for my monthly brow threading. It really is a caper because I'm too tall for any of the salon chairs and I end up contorted into all sorts of strange positions as the technician tries her best not to completely remove one them. Here later if you want a chat, but need to get girly stuff done.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Laurie, we're all just folks who care about you.
Life can be hard, but that doesn't mean we can't try find happiness or joy. I think that's all anyone wants for you, that happiness or joy. I've seen that potential in many of your posts, along with your playful interactions.
With love,
Michelle
Again I find myself making a post in another thread better suited for here because my thoughts ran beyond the topic and into introspection instead. So it is here instead of there.
I find my time spent online at Susan's is both an obsession and medication. It is an obsession in that I am always online. For years, I spent that time playing a role playing game to the point of an obsession and past. Susan's replaced that obsession. Just to throw it out there my main characters were female. The male characters I made were done to keep my cover intact so others I played with didn't think I was weird. At Susan's I fit right in. And it allowed me to be me.I didn't have to hide how I felt or my thoughts here at Susan's. I have never been so involved with or had as many friends as I have here. These are people I care about and they try to care about me. In spite of my phobic efforts to keep you all at arms length, you have managed to slip by my defenses and saw my craving need for friendship and have fulfilled it. Thank you.
But it goes beyond obsession because it is also a medication in that it does fill that need to be a part of something. And it fills that need to have friends who do care. It gives me a place to air my thoughts and give back some of what you all give freely to me. It allows me the opportunity to try to help others and that is something I have tried to do all my life. And lastly it allows me, in my own thread, to let my hair down and be honest with myself. Good or bad I am in my thread. My heart is there as it is in no other place. It's there I can hurt or be happy, well somewhat happy, but what I'm trying to say is that I am my thread.
Yes taking breaks for "Me" time is good. Everyone needs to get away and physically do something. Visit friends or get away from them. Sometimes I need that solitude I find on the road and the interaction of a friend in the flesh. I feel that need now and have had it for awhile, but life problems have been vetoing it. Driving it is my fear of the closeness with someone else and my fear of breaking down in their presence. I fight against that possibility because of the fear of making myself vulnerable. I want what Moni has. What she said in her post describing what it is to feel like a woman...
Quote Being a woman means having an intimate relationship with vulnerability. It is the biggest factor in me feeling like a woman to allow and accept being vulnerable. It is one of the nicest things but also one of the scariest things. Yes that is the essence of feeling like a woman.
Moni
I want that. But I can't get past my current issues, let alone embrace that thought.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: Shy on January 17, 2018, 04:21:35 AM
Morning Laurie, or is it bedtime or something else interdimentional in that strange country you live in. ;D
Just wishing you a wonderful day, I'm off out shopping and for my monthly brow threading. It really is a caper because I'm too tall for any of the salon chairs and I end up contorted into all sorts of strange positions as the technician tries her best not to completely remove one them. Here later if you want a chat, but need to get girly stuff done.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie
Well good on you Sadie for getting your "girly on" and taking care of your girly needs. When you are in the chair be careful your hair doesn't fall off like mine did. Hope you have been have a splendid day of iy.
Hugs,
Laurie
Hi Friends
Whoa, this one spilled over the two thousand post mark
Please go to Here I go again :-( 2.0 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,233805.msg2076613.html#msg2076613)