So obviously this story is going to contain transphobic nastiness, so fair warning. I wish I could shrug it off, but I can't, so maybe talking about it with people who might understand will help.
I help to moderate a community where a lot of alternative religion stuff gets discussed, and at one point the topic of trans women in female spaces came up in the context of Wiccan/neo-pagan women's rituals. Mind you, many of these are done in a public setting, so the usual transphobic hand wringing about locker rooms or nudity or bathrooms is even less on topic than these discussions usually are.
A new member (a gay man) began the usual barely coded speech about listening to womens' voices within the community and talked about how powerful the experience of him doing something in a men's specific group was. I replied with the facts you'd expect, and all the while he kept up the facade of left-leaning/feminist talking points ("you're silencing women" and "stop using intersex people as your debate prop" when I tried to point out how much debates about biological gender and chromosomes also impacts them even if they don't fall under the trans label, etc) to try and make me look like the oppressive, bigoted voice. By this point he does know that I'm a trans man, as it came up int he conversation.
Finally he said I was being both homophobic and misogynist, and I asked him to explain to me how a gay man who was socialized as a woman for basically my entire life was either of those things. He then went off on me about how he was "going to let it slide" but me saying that infuriated him because obviously I'm just a straight woman who fetishizes gay men, I'll never understand The Gay Experience, and my partner of four years is a straight man.
Obviously I understand on every rational level that nothing he said even approached true. I'm comfortable in being a trans man, I previously identified as a queer woman (before realizing I was trans) who had dated both men and women, my partner is bisexual... it was all wild and baseless accusations, shifting the goal posts of what kind of bigot I was supposed to be, and a blatant transphobic attack by someone who refused to acknowledge my gender and would rather call me a liar because of some perceived threat to his identity.
But I can't stop thinking about it. It's been at least a week now, and I'm still thinking about it. I don't know if it's because someone was willing to say all that to my face for the first time (I'm early in my transition, sadly I'm usually just assumed to be female so I frequently dodge transphobia with automatic misgendering), or if it's because I got that much vitriol from someone not just in the LGBT community, but in a group I identify strongly with. Probably both.
I don't know how to stop feeling awful about this.
Hi, Tisane!
Welcome to Susan's Place.
I am sorry you experienced that hate. I don't know how to make that stuff go away, either in the real world or in my own mind, so I am afraid that I don't have any easy answers for you. I certainly understand the frustration of having it spinning in your mind long after the incident is over.
Do you have a therapist? This is the kind of thing that is useful to talk over with a therapist, if only to come to terms with your own reactions.
Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) to tell the members about yourself. Here is some information that we like to share with new members:
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
Sorry you were attacked.
The fact is that LGBTQ isn't really a community. It is a collection of a political alliances because each faction is too small to stand on its own against the larger community. So yes, there is a lot bad blood between the different factions. And, sadly, even between TG and CDs. Like they can afford to do that. ::)
This is an excerpt from something I wrote about hate. It seems apropos, I dunno, maybe it's just me :-\
QuoteDeflection. Terrible thing. You think, "I am a target, how can I not be one. Oh, I know. I'll make someone else a target". You don't really have anything against that other person or group, you simply want the focus to be off of you. No one will see 'me' if enough people are focused on 'you'. Someone hates you so take that hate and pass it on to someone else. The easiest way to keep people from noticing you is to point at someone else, the more that are pointing the better. It's a vicious cycle.
They don't hate you, they just want to take the hate that they've received and put it somewhere else so that they feel better about themselves. It doesn't work.
@Tisane Dear Tisane: I am so very happy to see that you have signed up today as a member of Susan's Place and the Forums.
I also see that our lovely member
@KathyLauren has already Officially Welcomed you... and at the end of her welcome message to you she has given you
important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate and around the forums and get the most out of your time here on the Forums.
As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.
This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.
I also want to warmly
WELCOME you to Susan's Place.
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members. When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others
and offer support to others. ....
***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will
make some new like-minded friends here.
Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
Make a point to look closely at the
LINKS in RED at the end of
KathyLauren's welcome message, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.
Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
@Tisane Oh, and another thing Tisane...
Please plan to follow the suggestion and LINK that was in the Welcome Message from @KathyLauren and find your way to the Introductions Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html)so that more members will be aware of your arrival.
Thank you again for joining Susan's Place and being involved in the Forums here.
Best wishes to you,
Danielle NOTE: Now I will let you have your thread back so you can continue to pursue the answers you are seeking.
Faiths words are true, though I think that this interaction with this new member in the group you moderate may have have had the slant of someone that is trying to be socially responsible, albeit through a narrow view. He unfortunately seems to be stuck with his narrative of beliefs.
One thing that meetings, debates and conversations create is education. It could be he just hasn't gotten views from others that can help with a broader enlightenment.
QuoteDeflection. Terrible thing. You think, "I am a target, how can I not be one. Oh, I know. I'll make someone else a target". You don't really have anything against that other person or group, you simply want the focus to be off of you. No one will see 'me' if enough people are focused on 'you'. Someone hates you so take that hate and pass it on to someone else. The easiest way to keep people from noticing you is to point at someone else, the more that are pointing the better. It's a vicious cycle.