Yes people it's time again to fill the ether with awful jokes and comments.
We were having a problem with moles in the lawn, so I set a mole trap. Caught one. Asked my partner what to do with it, he said bury it.
7/10?
Cindy
Micky Mouse was looking depressed one day so Goofy ask him what was the matter... Micky said that living in the happiest place on earth was getting on his nerves and he needed to take a break
So Micky, Goofy and Donald Duck went on a boy's night out up in L.A. So what did Goofy say to Micky when he spotted a prostitute on Hollywood and Vine?
"Gah huck! Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! I'm as happy as can be" >:-)
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.
The Barman says, "We don't serve your kind in here".
A Time-traveller walks into a bar,
whats red and smells like blue paint ? Red paint
hahahahahahahahahahaqhahahahahahhahhahaha
ahahhahahahahahahahahahahhhahaahahaha
ahahahaha
ahahahahahahahahaaaaahahahahahaha
aghahahahhahahahahahah
I met a Dutch girl wearing inflatable shoes last week. I rang her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
I quit my job at the helium factory last week - I mean, I wasn't going to put up with being spoken to in that tone of voice...
Best Bad Joke ever.
Quote from: Genesis 1:1In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth
What's the useless piece of skin on the end of a penis called?
A Man. >:-)
I went golfing the other day. I got a birdie on the 3rd hole. And a squirrel on the 7th.
Which runs faster, hot or cold? Hot, anyone can catch a cold!
What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I was lying about the wheels.
DISCLAIMER! REALLY SICK JOKE! What's black, white, and red and has three arms and three legs? A pit bull in a kindergarten!
You call that sick?... This is sick...
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:D knock knock
whos there
GTFONN
Gtfonn who?
GTFonnBrayy :D
What has wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
A man walks into a bar... ouch.
Two peanuts were walking down the street and one was a salted.
A duck walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll ya have?" The duck says, "I'll have a grape." The bartender says, "I don't have grapes." The duck says, "Ok!" then gets up and leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the same bar and the bartender says, "What'll ya have this time?" The duck says, "I'll have a grape." The bartender says, "I told you yesterday I don't got no damn grapes. Next time you ask, I'm nailing your bill to the counter." The duck says cheerfully, "Ok!" then gets up and leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the bar and the bartender asks, teeth clenched, "What do you want?" The duck says, "Do you have a nail?" The bartender says, "No I don't have any nails." The duck replies, "Ok! I'll have a grape."
Got fried from my job as an elevator operator the other day.................................
Couldn't remember the route !
Feeling a bit heated a Vespa Scooter walked into a tire shop and demanded to have a few words with the Big Wheel of the place... Just then the sidecar entered and exclaimed "Oh pipe down dear, nothing happened between us! Do you want to get back together or not?"
How do you keep someone in suspense? ... I'll tell ya later
Whats red and sits in the corner?
A naughty fire engine.....thank you....Ill be here all weak and please try the fish......!
REALLY, REALLY, HORRIBLY BAD, TASTELESS JOKES
Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting C{Moo}
A man is having sex with a woman and sees a picture on her counter and ask is that your husband, she says no. he ask is that your boyfriend she says no. He ask is that your brother she says no. He says damn who is it. She says that was me before the surgery
Tonight an ad on TV for pre-paid funeral plans. With a 30 day money back guarantee. ???
How many ferrets does it take to turn on a lamp?
None. But it takes only one to steal it. ( if you have a fuzzy or two, you will be on the floor :laugh: )
Insight into the Australian character, every silver lining has a cloud-
A bloke is in the pub having a beer and looking downcast. A workmate approaches, and says," what's wrong mate? You look depressed."
Sad bloke looks up and says," me Missus just ran off with me best mate! God I miss him."
Karen.
Walks into Islamic candy shop and asks for Willy Wonka Allah Auk Bar
For who can speak german :)
What does Osama Bin Laden said to the immigration officer in the airport when he arrived Germany?
-Ich bin Laden XDD
An Irishman walks out of a bar....
Cindy, you just made red Wine come out of my nose!!! :o
Karen.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
Or half a cask of "Chateau de Cardboard" Lambrusco! Less that which just spilled down my front.
What did the grape say when it got trodden on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine. ;D
A bus load of tourists is being entertained in a outback hotel by a bushman with a trained crocodile. He gets it to sit up, roll over, beg, and then hits it on the head with a pool cue.
It opens it's mouth and quick as a flash he drops his trousers and places his penis in the croc's mouth. He hits it on the head and it's jaws close to within a millimetre of his member. He hits it again and it opens it's mouth and he returns his organ to his trousres.
The audience are amazed.
He asks, "does anyone here want to have a go?"
A woman from the back calls out, "ok, but just don't use the pool cue."
Quote from: Adele on July 03, 2011, 04:00:26 AM
Amazing. ♥
Norm MacDonald Tells the Moth Joke on Conan (http://youtu.be/3GWJC7tlYck#)
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Guy meets a deaf girl, they hit it off, and after a few weeks, they move in together. Every things great,for a while, then She starts complaining about every thing . After a few weeks ,he`s had enough, so he buys a pair of handcuffs, so he can get some peace and quiet.
Quote from: Cindy James on July 03, 2011, 02:31:27 AM
An Irishman walks out of a bar....
Thats not frikin funny.
My dad has to walk out of the bar at 2 A.M. when it closes.
Bf makes nice intimate progress with his new gf.
He notices this cute tattoo of a shell up on her thigh and asks her what this is all about.
Gf: "Um honey, if you put your ear on it you'll smell the sea.
Why did the koala bear fall out a tree?
Because he was dead!
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
Because he was tied to the first.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Peer group pressure.
That last part is changed on Yahoo Answers.
'Why did the blonde koala bear fall out of the tree?
'She thought it was a game!'
Except they're monkeys.
Quote from: Amazon D on June 22, 2011, 05:08:02 PM
A man is having sex with a woman and sees a picture on her counter and ask is that your husband, she says no. he ask is that your boyfriend she says no. He ask is that your brother she says no. He says damn who is it. She says that was me before the surgery
Still a popular joke on current sitcoms/movies/etc... :-\
2 gay guys have a one night stand a dark night in the park, after they had sex they begin talking;
guy1"wow that was great, we should do that again someday"
guy2"yeah but next time at your place, where do you live?"
guy1 "*I live in ******"
guy2; "no way me too, on which street?"
guy1; "on ****"
guy2" thats also the same as me, I live in the blue bilding you know it"'
guy1"yeah I live there as well,nr 34 on 2 floor"
guy2; "OMG then we are neighbour, I Didnt even notice you where living right for me"
guy1; "no I live to the left"
guy2;"thats not posible, I live to the left.."
......................................................
............
guy1; hey mike
guy2; "what is it dad?"
Quote from: Natkat on September 05, 2011, 04:59:53 PM
2 gay guys have a one night stand a dark night in the park, after they had sex they begin talking;
guy1"wow that was great, we should do that again someday"
guy2"yeah but next time at your place, where do you live?"
guy1 "*I live in ******"
guy2; "no way me too, on which street?"
guy1; "on ****"
guy2" thats also the same as me, I live in the blue bilding you know it"'
guy1"yeah I live there as well,nr 34 on 2 floor"
guy2; "OMG then we are neighbour, I Didnt even notice you where living right for me"
guy1; "no I live to the left"
guy2;"thats not posible, I live to the left.."
......................................................
............
guy1; hey mike
guy2; "what is it dad?"
Lawl
A skeleton walks into a bar, and asks for a beer and a mop.
:D
Chaz Bono and Sarah Palin walk into a bar...
I started my computer and it asked for a new password of 8 characters.
I typed in: Snow white and the seven dwarves
two birds sitting on a wire. Suddenly a jet passes by. One of the bird sighs and states that it would be nice to be able to fly that fast. The second one replied: "Guess it's not that hard - Did you see his butt burning?"
Two old horses are standing in a paddock, and one of them says to the other "I might not look like much now, but when I was younger, I came third at the Grand National!"
The second horse replies "Well, in my time, I came second at the Irish National."
Just then, a greyhound who happens to be passing by says "Huh, that's nothing, I won the gold cup at Walthamstow three years running."
One horse turns to the other and says "D'you know, I could have sworn I heard that dog talk!"
[edited to include the actual joke, as opposed to my addled earlier version ::)]
Michelle Bachman and her Husband are both 100% hetero.
There's bad jokes and ther's sick!
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
A Juthinkhesaurus.
2 guys walk into a bar... the third one ducks hahaha
A priest, a rabbi, a nun, an Englishman, an Irishman, a horse and a piece of string walk into a bar, and the landlord takes one look at them and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A woman challenges all of the men in a bar. "I bet $20 that I can pee higher than any of you can in a fair contest!" One guy comes up and says, "I'll take that money." The contest starts with the woman, who stands sideways and lifts her leg up really high. She ends up peeing about three feet up from the floor. The man laughs and then walks over, whips out his junk and aims it really high. The woman smiles and says, "This is a fair contest, remember? I didn't use my hands."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A girl named Mary went to Catholic School, but always slept in class. One day the teacher walks up to her while she's sleeping and asks her, "Mary, what is the name of our lord and savior?" A boy named Bobby, who sat behind Mary, took out a pin and stuck it in her butt. Mary shot up and screamed, "God Almighty!" "Very good, Mary!" said the teacher.
The next day, the teacher walked up to the sleeping Mary and asked her, "Mary, what is the name of God's son?" Bobby once again stuck the pin in Mary's butt. She shot up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" "Very good, Mary!" said the teacher, who continued to teach her lesson.
The next day, the teacher once again went up to a sleeping Mary and asked her, "Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after she had their 23rd child?" Bobby, with a smirk on his face, once again stuck the pin in Mary's behind. Mary shot up and exclaimed, "If you stick that in me again I'm going to break it in half!" The teacher fainted.
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Saint Peter is guarding the gates to heaven when Jesus walks up to him and asks, "Hey Peter, what are you doing?" Peter replies, "I'm guarding the gates to heaven, and only letting those who are worthy through. Basically I ask what they did in life, if they had any family, etc. Would you like to try?" "Sure!" says Jesus. After letting a few people through, Peter thought that Jesus was doing a good job and let him do the next one by himself.
An elderly man walked up to the gates of heaven. Jesus asks him, "So what did you do in life?" The old man replies, "I was a carpenter." Jesus finds it funny because he was a carpenter too. "Did you have any family?" asks Jesus. The old man replies, "Well I had a son but I didn't have a wife." Jesus is starting to find this story somewhat familiar. He decides to ask a question that will answer it once and for all. "What was your son like?" asks Jesus. The old man replies, "Well, he has holes drilled into his hands and feet."
Jesus has no more questions. This must be his father, God. He embraces the man and lovingly says, "Dad?" To which the old man replies, "Pinocchio?!"
A woman sadly passes away and is awaiting entrance through the Pearly Gates, before she can do so though she must speak with St. Peter.
St. Peter pulls out a book and explains to the woman that it is a list of everything anyone has ever done good or bad and it contains Gods judgment upon those people, he continues to explain further that in heaven they are given a vehicle based upon how faithful they were to their spouse. As he looks through the book he finds her name and congratulates her on being such a good Christian and for being so faithful to her husband and for doing so she is handed the keys to a brand new car. Well a few weeks go by and God is walking through heaven thinking that things have been so peaceful, so quiet, so simply perfect until he is interrupted by the woman who passed through the gates a few weeks ago. He holds her and begs of her to stop crying, for there is no sadness in heaven everything is supposed to be perfect, and he asks her what is wrong with this heaven that she now resides in. To which the woman says "Everything was going perfect, I just got my car and I was pulling through the gates when I saw my husband go riding by on a skateboard!"
xD bahahaha
Manny is woken up one morning by his mother bursting into his room and flinging open the curtains, shouting "Come on Manny darling, time to get up for synagogue!"
"Don't want to!" he whinged and burrowed under the bedclothes.
His mother pulled the sheets off him and said "Well, you have to."
"I don't want to! I don't have to! Why do I have to!" he whined.
His mother sighed, and replied "because it's sabbath, you're 40 years old - and you're the rabbi..."
Little Johnny would wake up in the middle of the night to goto the bathroom, one night was different compared with the others because on his way to the bathroom Little Johnny would have to walk by his parents room. Well on this night in particular he heard noises coming from the room and being curious as any little boy would be he looked through the keyhole to see his mother bouncing up and down on his father. The next morning he asked his mother what she had been doing to which she responded that she was deflating his father's stomach to make it smaller. Little Johnny laughed when he heard this and told his mother that she was wasting her time because everyday when she went to work the neighbor's wife came over and blew it right back up again.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Where does a general keep his armies? Up his sleevies.
And now for my greatest joke yet, although you will only understand it if you're a gamer or love Superheroes:
Superman 64 was a good game ::).
Quote from: Fighter Sadie on October 05, 2011, 11:11:33 AM
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
+1 for the fallout 3 reference
Why did the ravers wake up with breasts?
...they were all doing E.
I used to believe in the torah
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
A consultant was hired to figure out why a company composed of UPS and Fedex employees was failing.
Survey says....Fed UPS was not the best name to inspire confidence.
"I was oncerobbed by a pre-op transsexual and that didn't even crack my top 10 worst dates." - Howard from The Big Bang Theory
How many fanboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Ten. One to screw it in, the other nine to complain about how the old one was better.
Thank you, I'll be here all week!
Ghaddafi , Ghaddafi,DUCK!
A girl arrives late for class and explains she was blowing bubbles under the bridge. A few minutes another girl walks in and explains she was blowing bubbles under the bridge. A few minutes later a boy arrives and says "I'm Bubbles!"
The topic isn't funny but the comedian is
"Wall Street Is Dirtier Than Occupy Wall Street" - MOC #85 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClbiGR75nqY#)
what has 4 legs and a trunk........2 hobos
what was the blonde lady staring at in the grocery store? orange juice from concentrate.
what's nine inches hard, long, has a purple head, and is guranteed to make any woman scream?
a stillborn baby.
Ahh, the slippery slope reaches the dead baby jokes.
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I'm a very serious mouse
Three men in Louisiana, A white man, a black man and a Mexican man, are all falsely accused of a crime but convicted anyway. They escape for the Louisiana State Penitentiary and the guard dogs are picking up their scent and starting to chase. The men come to the edge of the swamp and can't go further. They think the are in trouble, but then a 50 foot long alligator swims up and says, "I'll help you! I will take you across the swamp one at a time." The white man pushes foreword and says,"Out of my way!" and hops on the alligator. The alligator swims halfway across the swamp and rolls the man into the water and eats him. The alligator the swims back to the two remaining men. The black man goes next and when they are half way across the swamp, the alligator eats him, too. The alligator swims back but when he reaches the shore, the Mexican says, "No way! You weren't gone long enough to bring those people across. You probably went half way across and then ate them" The alligator tells him, "I promise to take you all the way across." The Mexican hops on and the alligator takes him across to the other side. The Mexican says," Thanks, but why didn't you eat me like you did the other two?" The alligator replies, "Are you kidding?! I had Mexican last week....... and my butt still hurts!"
how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
two, but how in the hell did they get in there?
What's the florida state vegetable?
give up?
It's Terri Sciaivo
Two muffins are in n oven.
muffin no.1 says "so how do we get out of here"
and muffin number 2 screams "AAAAAARG IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!"
seriously the lamest joke i've ever heard but still makes me laugh everytime i tell it
My friend Joel crosssed the border, people in my school like to tell that joke.
Why did God create the man first and then the woman?
~When making a great work of art you always make a rough sketch first.
An elderly couple had a very heated and rough marriage. The husband was not very nice to his wife to say the least. Their neighbors would often hear very heated arguments and fights and they were sure he was into a bit of the occult. The husband warns the wife that when he dies he will come back to haunt her every living moment. At 92 the husband dies of a heart attack and his wife buries him and then starts going out and having a grand old time. The neighbors start getting worried about her as they are so sure that her husband will come back from the grave and haunt her for the rest of her life. So they ask her aren't you worried that your husband will come back from the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life? She just smiles at them and says "When i buried my husband i had him buried upside down and you know men they never ask for directions"
What do you get when giving Ernie a handjob?
~Sesame seed
A string walks in to a bar and asks the tender for a beer "im sorry we dont serve string here". " HMMPH " the string walks out and is so mad he jumps up and down messes up his hair and dislocates his arms an legs. "Im gunna telll that bartender that I want a beer". He returns and repeats his request. "Arent you the string I just refused?" replies the bartender. "Im afraid not" replied the string.
A man walks into a bar.... ouch... ::)
Hugs
Zaria :)
Why Did the Dead baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
Why did Santa's helper see the psychiatrist?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Two pogo sticks go to a pogo stick bar.
"Whoa, that pogo stick over there looks real tough" said the first pogo stick.
"He's the bouncer." said another.
___
A blonde, a brunette and a red head are on top of a burning building. Firemen come over with a blanket spread out and tell them to jump.
The red head jumps, and the firemen move. She falls to her death.
The brunette says "If I jump, will you move?" and the firemen reply, "Of course not, that was just because we don't like red heads."
The brunette jumps, and the firemen move. She falls to her death.
The blonde shouts down to the firemen "Put that blanket on the ground, then I'll jump!"
So a guy pays $10 for a hooker and gets the crabs so he goes back and complains and the hooker says "What did you expect for $10? Lobster?"
Guess what?
What
Idk What?
You just said guess what.
What?
Fair warning - this is a bad, bad joke
Three retired men are sitting in their rocking chairs on the porch of the old folks home.
The first old man says, "You know, I've got terrible prostate problems. I get up at 7:00 in the morning and it takes me at least 20 minutes to take a piss." The other two guys nod their heads in understanding.
The second old man then adds, "Well, that's nothing. I am so badly constipated that it takes me a hour every morning just to take a crap." The others nod, knowingly.
Then the third old guy says, "At 7:00 in the morning is piss like a racehorse and at 8:00 in the morning I >-bleeped-< like a pig!"
The two other guys look at each other and then ask, "What's wrong with that?"
The third guy says,"I don't get out of bed until 9:00."
What do you call a woman who's really far away?
Dot.
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Quote from: Padma on January 27, 2012, 05:24:20 PM
What do you call a woman who's really far away?
Dot.
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen
Did I ever tell you about the cannibal who passed his mother-in-law in the jungle?
No but I did hear of the little boy who told his mum he didn't like his father, and was told to leave him on the side of the plate.
Tough crowd here.
Did I tell you about the leper colony ice hockey team? There was a face off in the corner.
Seriously, I once had a leper friend. All things considered, he had a great sense of humor. Unfortunately, one day, he just laughed his head off.
Bing-badda-boom
Whats the flattest surface to iron clothes on?
A transgirls chest!!! ;D
Why do woman have small feet?
So they can get closer to the sink to do the dishes.
Why can't Jesus eat m&m's ?
because he s got holes in his hands.
Quote from: Jamie D on March 01, 2012, 12:44:28 AM
Tough crowd here.
You're not wrong Jamie.
That friend of yours was probably the same one I saw on the street corner begging for arms. (boom boom).
He was later told by the police to shake a leg and move on. That too fell off. And it didn't finish there either. His luck ran out later in the day when he visited the local Casino. while playing cards, he threw his hand in.
Gee whiz. It's easier to Milk Arrowroot biscuits than this room.
Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
why did the drunk mix vodka with Carrot Juice?
He get's drunk but he see's well.
*Ba Da Bump*
a Amarican, German and Brithish vampire walks into a bar.
"A glass of blood please" the Amarican says, and he gets a big glass of warm blood.
"A glass of blood for me too" the German vampire says, and as well he get the blood.
"A glass of water for me" the Brithish vampire says.
the other vampires stares at him wondering if he really is a vampire after all?
then he take up a used tampon.
"Tea time boys.." :laugh:
An Irishman walks into a bar.
Well it is St.Patrick's Day!!!
(Tasteless, but somehow very poignant too...)
A man went to his doctor's, and the doc said to him "I'm afraid I've got bad news for you - two lots of bad news, actually. The first one is, your test results all came back, and you have cancer. I'm afraid it's untreatable, you should set your affairs in order, you probably have about 6 months at the most."
The man shook his head, and said "Bloody hell. So what's the other bad news then?" The doc replied "Well, the tests also showed that you have early-onset Alzheimer's Disease."
The man said "Jesus. Oh well, at least I don't have cancer, eh?"
I saw a news item today. A shipment of Viagra had been stolen from the docks. The police said they were searching for a gang of hardened criminals.
Quote from: Padma on March 17, 2012, 03:56:45 AM
(Tasteless, but somehow very poignant too...)
A man went to his doctor's, and the doc said to him "I'm afraid I've got bad news for you - two lots of bad news, actually. The first one is, your test results all came back, and you have cancer. I'm afraid it's untreatable, you should set your affairs in order, you probably have about 6 months at the most."
The man shook his head, and said "Bloody hell. So what's the other bad news then?" The doc replied "Well, the tests also showed that you have early-onset Alzheimer's Disease."
The man said "Jesus. Oh well, at least I don't have cancer, eh?"
An older couple was at the doctors office, where the wife was being examined.
The doctor took the husband aside and said to him, "I've got some bad news for you. Your wife either has advanced HIV or Alzheimers Disease."
"Oh no!" said the husband, "What should I do?"
The doctor replied, "If I were you, I'd take my wife across town and drop her off. If she finds her way home, don't screw her!"
What do you call a Lesbian with only one foot?
Gaylene.
>:-) Karen.
Over heard a conversation in a local Maccas.
Viola player returning from a concert in Melbourne stopped off at Gundagai for a cup of tea. Half way through the tea, she remembered she had left the viola on the back seat in plain view. Hastily finishing her tea she went back to her car to find the back window smashed in, ........ and two more violas on the back seat with hers.
(Unsigned) due to possible retribution, and further more
<-------- that's not me !!!
Dog On A Viola Case ;D.
It's one of my major regrets that I missed an opportunity to visit Dog On A Tucker Box - but I did see the Giant Evil Sheep at Goulburn (and still have the nightmares...)
Well next time you're back Padma, let us know and we'll make sure you have the opportunity to visit the Dog. Apart from that, it is quite a nice rest stop on the Syd - Mel run.
But as for the Goulburn one. I believe you can apply at the Australian Embassy for Psychiatric counselling. Some visitors just never recover. I sometimes park under that thing as there is a Subway next door to it. I'm always petrified it will take life while I'm inside and do terrible things to my car.
Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
Quote from: Natkat on March 16, 2012, 05:13:23 PM
a Amarican, German and Brithish vampire walks into a bar.
"A glass of blood please" the Amarican says, and he gets a big glass of warm blood.
"A glass of blood for me too" the German vampire says, and as well he get the blood.
"A glass of water for me" the Brithish vampire says.
the other vampires stares at him wondering if he really is a vampire after all?
then he take up a used tampon.
"Tea time boys.." :laugh:
That made me giggle. ;D
Apropos to Catherines effort;
What's the diffenence between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up an oboe.
What is the difference between a dead snake in the road, and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
YOU ARE!
HAHAHHAHHAHA!
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
Quote from: Connie Anne on April 11, 2012, 03:37:54 PM
The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
LOVE it xD
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a shepherd? Mick Jagger says "Hey you, get offa my cloud" and the shepherd says "Hey McCleod, get offa my ewe!" Hugs, Devlyn
A rabbi, an imam, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Is this a joke?"
Aa rabbi, an imam, and a priest are on a crowded airplane. It's going down. The rabbi says "Save the children!" The imam says "Screw the children!" The priest says "Is there time?"
little Emma are sitting on the table eating the bread her mother just made.
after some bites Emma look at the bread and say:
"mom! there is a fly on my bread"
"- no Emma I made the bread with raisins"
"But there is still a fly on my bread"
"- I told you its a raisin"
"no its a fly"
Now her mother got angry and turned around exclaiming "For the last time! when I say its a raisin its a raisin! now eat the raisin and your bread" a sillence apear and little Emma say:
"I can't
the raisin flew away.... "
What do you call 10 rabbits all in a row, hopping backwards?
A receding hare line.
What's the difference between a chiropodist and a bad drummer?
A chiropodist bucks up your feet ...
What do you call a man with no arms or legs, who is laying on the floor?
Matt
What do you call a man with no arms or legs, who is hanging on the wall?
Art.
A red ship and a blue ship crashed into each other.
All of the sailors got marooned.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in the cherry tree.
Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath.
He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Back when Gorbachev was President, the Soviet Union hosted a cultural exchange of news media. Jack, a meteorologist from Boston, and his wife found themselves seated next to Jack's soviet counterpart, Rudolph, at dinner. Naturally, the talk soon turned to the weather.
"You know," says Jack, "At my TV station we use the very latest in Doppler Radar technology. I gave my station manager a call before dinner, and he says we're looking at 65 degrees and sunny all week here in Moscow."
Rudolph shakes his head and replies, "No. I look at Soviet satellite image just twenty minutes ago. Is going to rain."
"Oh, I don't think so. No disrespect intended, but I think your satellite is wrong. It's definitely going to be sunny."
"No. Is rain."
This argument went on for a little while until Jack's wife put a waring hand on her husbands arm and said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear."
I think my timepiece is broken... it doesn't seem to watch anything.
I don't get people's desires to get a good haircut. Isn't it the bad hairs that you want cut? Leave the good hairs alone...
What do you call a German rabbit who is also a doctor specialising in baldness cures?
Herr Doktor!
(y'know, 'cause Herr means "mister," and sounds like "hair" and "hare")
A very popular stripper named "Soda" had some work done on her breasts, which upset her customers. People started complaining because their Soda had gone flat.
As I was getting dressed, I realised I had put my shoes on the wrong feet. I still don't know whose.
She held his hand as they walked the path through the wintry forest.
"This is the last time I will hold your hand like this you know", she said ,
as she dropped his hand in the shallow grave.
Quote from: justmeinoz on June 07, 2012, 04:29:09 AM
She held his hand as they walked the path through the wintry forest.
"This is the last time I will hold your hand like this you know", she said ,
as she dropped his hand in the shallow grave.
7,
most aren't bad.
But very funny loved Rudolph, going into my dinner talk joke folder
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on June 06, 2012, 06:49:02 AM
What do you call a man with no arms or legs, who is laying on the floor?
Matt
What do you call a man with no arms or legs, who is hanging on the wall?
Art.
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs on the grill?
Patty.
Should I tell a sodium joke?
Na.
Quote from: Your Humble Savant on June 07, 2012, 11:27:27 AM
Should I tell a sodium joke?
Na.
Elementary, my dear Watson.
(He, He, He)
Quote from: Your Humble Savant on June 07, 2012, 11:27:27 AM
Should I tell a sodium joke?
Na.
Good lord, if you still lived at home I'd either have to ground you or raise your allowance for that one!
Hickory dickory dock
Two mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
The other got away
I was about to enter the freeway the other day, when I saw a one-legged man hitch-hiking on the side of the road. So I slowed my car, rolled down the window, and said, "Hey buddy, hop in!"
Having finally captured Tinkerbell, Captain Hook shoved her in a jar of vinegar. He was tickled pink that he pickled Tink.
With the use of birth control, some women only have one period every few months. Lucky... when I was in high school, I had six periods a day.
My son is going to be playing peewee soccer, so I bought him a sippy cup for protection.
The Joker dressed up as The Boy Wonder and went on a spree stealing a certain bird from pet stores. The headlines read, "Robin's robbin' robbins!?"
Don't look at me with those big puppy dog eyes... give them back to Spot.
A student was tasked with completing a list of mathematical equations as the teacher counted down from 10. The student tried his best and by the time the teacher got to 7, he had done his addition; by 5 he had done subtraction, by 3 he had done his multiplication. But though he did very well, he could not complete the assignment, as he was unable to divide by 0.
he was unable to divide by 0
Oh my! That is bad.
What do you call a Latin girl with no legs?
Consuelo.
A mortician instructor walks in to a pub with four human eyes.
The bartender looks and asks, "What the hell is this?"
The teacher answers, "What I can't have a couple of drinks with my pupils?"
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on June 08, 2012, 08:46:02 AM
A mortician instructor walks in to a pub with four human eyes.
The bartender looks and asks, "What the hell is this?"
The teacher answers, "What I can't have a couple of drinks with my pupils?"
That's just ... wrong.
Quote from: Jamie D on June 08, 2012, 12:47:18 PM
That's just ... wrong.
It is, isn't it. Blame NCIS. That was where I paraphrased it from. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-8.gif&hash=d9498942f8bbb4bf3ad29af75944ea5e1135c6fa)
What do you call a piece of bread that's been thrown into the ocean?
Soggy.
Not really a joke but a great one-liner from a bad movie:
Gay guy claims to be straight to a beautiful woman. She makes a motion from her eyes down to her chest.
"My boobs are down here."
Quote from: dalebert on June 08, 2012, 08:20:38 PM
Not really a joke but a great one-liner from a bad movie:
Gay guy claims to be straight to a beautiful woman. She makes a motion from her eyes down to her chest.
"My boobs are down here."
LOLOLOLOLOL
What do you get when you mix a batch of donor eyeballs and bat guano together?
Unstable, explosive, scary >-bleeped-< that watches you
Contrary to what you might expect, there are no black holes near Uranus.
Why do people swim to lose weight? It doesn't work on whales.
Once upon a time, there was a joke. But this joke is no good. This joke went around punching old ladies, stealing pies, licking babies without their parent's permission, and licking parents without their babies' permission. One day, this joke decided to go to the next level and robbed a bank, threatening to hit people's funny bones with a rubber chicken unless his demands were met. The joke was caught, and sentenced to death by exclamation point- at last, the joke was nearly finished. And the people were grateful, for you see, this was a very bad joke indeed.
An alcoholic went to a golf course, where he was fined for driving while intoxicated. His defense? So what if I'm drunk, that's why I have a driver!
I have fake breasts. They're not silicon or anything, just imaginary.
I accidentally sent my tennis shoes to boot camp.
A Spanish friend told me a joke, rolling his R's as he spoke. Then I told him a joke, and he rolled his I's.
Just because the verbs "flip flop" and "waffle" are synonyms doesn't mean you should eat flip-flops and wear waffles.
Two vampires were eating a diner. One said to the other, "You've got something on your teeth." The other vampire took a look in the mirror and said, "where? I don't see anything."
(that's enough, at yeast for now. I'm going to bread.)
What do you call a 13-year old Australian girl who can run faster than her brothers?
A virgin.
What is the difference between a devious pygmy and a 13-year Australian girl who excels at the 100 meter dash?
The former is a cunning little runt.
I went to the gym to today to get some seafood after their commercial claimed that lifting weights was a good way to get some extra mussels. I was sadly disappointed.
I have half a mind to delete that!
Good thing for you I can't find the other half! ::)
On that subject, I went to a seafood disco last night, and I pulled a mussel.
DEAD BABY JOKES (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcPlen8Z-r4#)
DUMB BLONDE JOKES (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq9-TmMoQO4#)
So a dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A Blonde walks into a New York City bank and asks the loan manager for a $15,000 loan.
"What are you going to use for collateral?", asks the banker.
"My 2010 Bentley", replies the Blonde.
The banker looks at her as if to say "What a dumb blonde".
The banker writes up the paperwork, which the Blonde signs.
She then gives the keys and title to the banker, and leaves with her money.
The banker has the car moved to the holding lot.
A month later, the Blonde returns to the bank.
"How you been?", asks the banker. "I have not seen you since you got the loan".
"I have been good", replies the Blonde. "I went on a cruise for a month"
"And now I have come to pay off my loan", she continues.
"Very well, but there is a $15.00 charge for interest on such a short note.", says the banker.
"OK, here is the $15.00 and the original $15,000", as she hands over the money.
The banker calls the lot to retrieve the car. And as they wait he asks, "I have to ask, why did you only borrow the money for a month?"
And her reply ...
"Where else in New York City, could I park my Bentley, securely, for only $15.00?"
And they say Blondes are stupid.
So I'm walking down the street, and I notice a sign saying, "George Burns Road."
O_o I didn't know he was an arsonist!
And I keep walking, and I see another sign: "Main Street.""
And I think, "No, Maine state. Not street."
And I keep walking, and I come across another sign, saying "Dip."
ಠ_ಠ Ruuude!
And I keep walking, and I come across another sign, saying "Bump."
Hey, I just started this diet; give it some time!
Though I'm starting to think that Diet Dr. Pepper isn't a qualified diet doctor.
And I keep walking, and I pass by the fire station.
And I notice that there are no fires stationed anywhere that I can see.
And I noticed that hot fireman mowing the grass in that tight T-Shirt! ^///^
And I keep walking, but I was so distracted by those arms that I end up walking right into a pole.
I don't know what he was saying though; I don't speak polish.
Thank you, Princess.
Concerning street signs, for the life of me a can not figure out why some neighborhood actually advertise their kids are stupid.
The have signs all over that say, "Slow Children."
I know, a bit out of season, but that's one of the key ingredients to a bad joke... Anyway...
I child decided to be a pirate for Halloween... Feeling that he was looking rather grough he felt bothered with everyone saying how cute he was
So at the next door he went to and the people said "Oh what a cute pirate, but where are your buccaneers?"
He replied "They're under my buckin' hat!!!"
Or the one at the bus station.
All Change
One for the musicians.
A classical musician was driving from Melbourne to Adelaide for a recital, and had his Viola on the back seat of the car. When he got to Mt Gambier he felt hungry so called in to Macca's.
Nervous about leaving a valuable instrument in the car he was horrified to hear the sound of breaking glass and see someone running from the carpark.
He raced out to his vehicle, and was horrified to find his worst fears confirmed. There in the back seat were two more Violas.
What did the blonde do when someone told her that she was full of crap? Went and sat in the loo just in case
Quote from: V M on June 18, 2012, 06:47:57 PM
What did the blonde do when someone told her that she was full of crap? Went and sat in the loo just in case
I can't imagine what brought
that on. >:-)
For all the artists,
How many artists doe it take to change a light bulb?
10. One to change it and 9 to say they did it better.
How many Texas A&M Aggies does it take to change a light bulb?
Ehhhhh? What's a light bulb?
How many Oregon State Beavers football team does it take to change a light bulb?
The whole team. One to hold the light bulb, and the rest to spin the house.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on June 18, 2012, 07:11:35 PM
How many Oregon State Beavers football team does it take to change a light bulb?
The whole team. One to hold the light bulb, and the rest to spin the house.
Love it!! Go Ducks!!
A skeleton goes into a bar.
"Give me a beer..."
"and a mop!"
Lizzy
Quote from: Brooke777 on June 18, 2012, 07:13:32 PM
Love it!! Go Ducks!!
Just for you and me. And any other Duck Fans.
Call Me a Duck (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNboYbN6wFY#)
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterward and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so it's not like you're the first."
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "But then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians!"
Why did the ghost cross the road?
To get to the other side.
You know.
The afterlife :D
Why did the meth-head dress up as a pinata for Halloween?
So they could go door to door saying "Tweeker Tweak"
Then they wondered how they got busted
All these are from my time working in a pharmacy. We had a terrible sense of humor.
Lady says to pharmacist: "Why does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?"
Pharmacist replies: "Because that's all we've documented so far."
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "You got any duck food?"
"No," says the pharmacist, "we don't sell duck food." The duck leaves.
The duck comes back the next day and says, "You got any duck food?"
"No," says the pharmacist with a frown, "This is a pharmacy. We don't sell duck food." The duck leaves.
The duck comes back the next day. "You got any duck food?"
"Look," screams the pharmacist. "This a pharmacy! We don't sell duck food! We sell medicine! If you come in here tomorrow and ask for duck food, I'm going to nail your little, yellow webbed feet to the floor!" The duck leaves.
The duck comes back the next day. The pharmacist is bristling. The duck asks timidly, "You got any nails?"
"No," says the pharmacist. "This is a pharmacy! We do not sell nails!"
"Good! You got any duck food?" says the duck.
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist that she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist says, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I will lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A chemist walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any
acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it, I can never remember that word."
A woman walked into a bar and Metformin.
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
How many Pharmacists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he has to do it three times a day for ten days.
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stomp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out burning ducks.
What do you get when you cross a rhinoceros with an elephant?
A Elephino.
So two men are sitting at a bar and one says to the other if you drink this and jump out the window you will be able to fly around the building and land safely on you feet the other man says no you do it first so he downs the drink jumps out the window flys around the building and lands safely back inside so the other man downs the drink and jumps out the window and falls to his death the bar tender say jeeze Superman you sure are a >-bleeped-< when your drunk
Cats
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fusamania.wikispaces.com%2Ffile%2Fview%2Fchinese-takeout.jpg%2F221396368%2Fchinese-takeout.jpg&hash=7606eca86aaf2b3ab87ac5afcb486df63e373f2c)
The Other White Meat
You are going to be in waaay, waaay big trouble for that one.
It could be a cat astrophe.
Need V M Brains
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fugly.com%2Fmedia%2FIMAGES%2FRandom%2Fzombie_cat_wants_to_eat_you.jpg&hash=affb1fbfdc4d7f680415ae921dbfd7ecf3be5d58)
Life ;)
--
A carpenter finished setting up some cabinets, and was looking for something to do, so he asked his boss. Being mute, the boss wrote down a note telling the carpenter to go ahead and nail some boards. Being dyslexic, the carpenter...
Optional extra punch line!
The boss couldn't help but notice his wife seemed happier than usual that night...
Why did the frog cross the road?
Because he was stapled to the chicken.
QuoteWhy did the frog cross the road?
Because he was stapled to the chicken.
HA! I have always loved that joke.
So it's a horrifically hot day, and this guy's air conditioner is broken. So he goes to the store to purchase a fresh one, and there was a long, long line. He finally gets up to the counter, and asks for a replacement air conditioner, but at this point they are out of the kind he wants.
He goes to another air conditioner shop, a few blocks away. He goes inside, and there's a long, long line. He finally gets up to the front, gets his air conditioner and goes home.
He's sitting at home, and thinking how nice it would be to have some ice cream to go with his new air conditioner. So he walks to the ice cream parlor, and there's a long, long line. He finally gets his ice cream and starts walking home.
On his way home, he sees a limo drive by, and remembers that his brother's wedding is today! He rushes to the tuxedo shop, and there's a long, long line. He finally gets his tuxedo, and rushes over to the church. To get in, there's a long, long line.
The service is held, and he wants to give his congratulations to his brother and his bride. To do this, there's a long, long line.
During the reception, he wants to dance with his brother's new wife, to welcome her into the family. To do this, there's a long, long line.
They dance, and she asks if he'll get her some punch to drink. So he goes over to the refreshments table, and there's no punch line.
>:-) >:-)
I don't know what to say.
I'll never get those moments of my life back.
Quote from: Jamie D on July 06, 2012, 10:14:39 AM
I don't know what to say.
I'll never get those moments of my life back.
WOW!! This must be a first :embarrassed: :embarrassed: ;D
Huggs
Catherine
(And we have it in writing)
+1
to humble savant
for making JamieD having nothing to say :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
It's a conspiracy, I tells ya!
Edit: Oh! Oh! Oh! And reputation too?!
(Yeah, she deserves it) :) :D ;D
Glad you all enjoyed it so much ;D
And thanks Cindy for the reputation point!
Quote from: Your Humble Savant on July 07, 2012, 05:35:47 PM
Glad you all enjoyed it so much ;D
And thanks Cindy for the reputation point!
Enjoyed??
A rubber chicken walks into a bar and immediately gets bounced
Oh my!
This thread is just one body blow after another.
Quote from: PrincessKnight on July 01, 2012, 03:26:39 AM
Life ;)
--
A carpenter finished setting up some cabinets, and was looking for something to do, so he asked his boss. Being mute, the boss wrote down a note telling the carpenter to go ahead and nail some boards. Being dyslexic, the carpenter...
Optional extra punch line!
The boss couldn't help but notice his wife seemed happier than usual that night...
Did I ever tell you about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
Quote from: Jamie D on July 14, 2012, 01:52:06 AM
Oh my!
This thread is just one body blow after another.
And stil they come, ...... unabated :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
A man stands before the Judgement throne. As he looks up, he see a giant dog standing before him.
"Oh My God!" exclaims the man.
"Funny how all you humans got it backwards all these years", replies the Dog.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
Quote from: Cindy James on July 14, 2012, 09:28:01 PM
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
Grooooan
Goddess, that was awful. Hat's off to you :icon_tenisclap:
Why did the b
>-bleeped-<ipers cross the road?
To get away from the noise.
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
Then God said, "Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground."
God look on what he created and say "Not to bad for a prototype". Then he created woman. "Let woman have dominion over man". God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning —the sixth day.
Sorry Guys. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-4.gif&hash=34a3e40b48ee901ac7f4a696a28192c1777cff6e) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-4.gif&hash=34a3e40b48ee901ac7f4a696a28192c1777cff6e)
Quote from: Cindy James on July 14, 2012, 09:28:01 PM
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
No más, por favor. No más.
I'm allowed to post this because I'm part Irish.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FW5Dpx.jpg&hash=c8f6507c5af969079e55d4284ce7bdda09915642)
Dalebert, have you ever heard of the "Irish Seven-Course Meal"?
A boiled potato and a six-pack of Guiness.
While we are on food:
A man walks into a Drs office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me" he asks. The Dr replies " Your not eating properly"
That is just ... oh so wrong.
Queensland breakfast: a six-pack of stubbies and a steak. The steak is for the dog... ;D
"Doctor, will you be able to remove the dozen LEGO horses my little boy swallowed?"
"No need to worry Mrs Smith, his condition is stable."
Quote from: Jamie D on July 19, 2012, 04:38:49 AM
That is just ... oh so wrong.
I know, isn't it? People really need to learn the difference between "your" and "you're."
Quote from: crazy old bat on July 19, 2012, 08:36:25 AM
I know, isn't it? People really need to learn the difference between "your" and "you're."
Ha! I didn't even notice.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ftorontoemerg.files.wordpress.com%2F2010%2F09%2Fspam.gif&hash=98a5f6322803f591fe52a87b2f0a9b5d07e7166b)
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic agnostic with an insomniac?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering whether there is a dog.
A pharmacist returns from his dinner break & his assistant tells him that a patient came in with a bad cough "I couldn't find cough medicine so I gave him laxatives"
"you gave him what!!" cries the pharmacist "you can't treat a cough with laxatives"
"It seems to have works" relpies the assistant "he's in the corner & too scared to cough now"
A lawyer get to the pearly gates & is told his kind aren't accepted in heaven
"But I gave £10 to a homeless man the other day, 3 days ago I gave £10 to an animal shelter & a week ago I gave £10 to medical research"
St Peter tells him to wait there whilst he has a word with God, after 5 minutes he returns "I've had a chat with God & he agrees with me, here's your £30 back now bugger off"
After a plane crash the passengers were forced to swim in shark infested waters for many hours. They gradually fell victim to the sharks until only one was alive to be rescued.
He was asked "How come the sharks didn't eat you?"
He replied," I'm a lawyer, it was professional courtesy."
Have you ever walked into a window?
It's a pane.
What do you have if you have a room full of lawyers* up to their necks in cat poo?
Not enough cat poo ;D.
*substitute as applicable...
Quote from: Cindy James on July 22, 2012, 04:51:06 AM
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic agnostic with an insomniac?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering whether there is a dog.
You do realize you are going to burn in sedah for that.
Quote from: Your Humble Savant on July 22, 2012, 03:21:07 PM
Have you ever walked into a window?
It's a pane.
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Quote from: Jamie D on July 23, 2012, 02:33:29 AM
You do realize you are going to burn in sedah for that.
Only if the Cherubim forget the sun screen.
What happened to the survivors of a collision of a red ship and a blue ship?
They were marooned.
I need a sick bag.
There's been an accident involving a cement truck and a vanload of convicts. Police are looking for several hardened criminals...
I hate to say this but this is a true story.
I was driving one of my students across the city to a meeting in another University. There was a crash in front of us and a Steggle's (brand name) frozen chicken van had been rear ended by a car. The police were in attendance directing traffic. My student wondered why there were so many police. To my total delight I replied, 'In case there is foul play.' She cried. ;D
Quote from: Cindy James on July 23, 2012, 03:40:34 AM
What happened to the survivors of a collision of a red ship and a blue ship?
They were marooned.
I need a sick bag.
We all do. ;)
A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk said, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying.
He asked what was wrong.
'The word is 'celebrate,' not 'celibate'!' sobbed the head monk.
And the Origami shop that couldn't pay its bills!
They had to fold the business.
And the poker player with leprosy, who threw in his hand at the last minute...
And the leper who crashed his car after leaving his foot on the accelerator
A man walks into a pet shop to buy a nightingale as he loves the song they make. "I'm sorry sir, selling nightingales is illegal. I can sell you a canary, and if you drill two small holes in the top of the beak it will sing just like a nightingale'
The guy thinks the shop owner is a nutter so leaves and goes to a second pet shop. He asks for a nightingale, but again he is told; "I'm sorry sir, selling nightingales is illegal. I can sell you a canary, and if you drill two small holes in the top of the beak it will sing just like a nightingale' "I can show you exactly where to drill the holes, and I have canaries at a very good price."
Intrigued he buys the Canary and the pet shop owner gives him a diagram of where to drill the holes. " But be careful, if the holes are 1 millimetre out then the bird will drown when it has a drink of water".
The man goes to a tool shop and explains he wants a very fine drill bit. The tool shop owner asks why, and the man explains about the canary and the fine drilling. "I've heard of this" says the toolshop owner "but I hear you have to be very accurate, if you are more than 1 millimeter out, the bird will drown the first time it tries to drink water."
The man pays for the drill bit and heads home.
A few days later the man is back in the petshop to buy another canary. " What happened?" asks the owner, " Did you drill the holes in the wrong place?"
'I don't know' says the man ' the thing was already dead when I took it out of the vice.'
Oh my!
How can something start so well, and end so poorly?
Quote from: Cindy James on July 25, 2012, 04:51:24 AM
And the leper who crashed his car after leaving his foot on the accelerator
And the leper who thought that this was sooooo funny, he laughed his head off :-X :(
Don't forget the leper who lost their bum on the stock market
Or the comedian who refused to perform again at the leper colony.
He could not stand it when they all gave him a hand.
***
And what do you call a leper in the Jacuzzi?
Stew
A man walks into a Drs office with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ear.
"That's strange" says the Doctor examining it.
"Yes" replies the man "And that's just the tip of the iceberg."
This video cracks me up every time I watch it.
Warning, this video does contain strong language (I checked with a well known moderator before posting due to the language but she agreed it's very funny)
Cat vs Printer - The Translation (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSK1D3bZhRs#)
It's a BLEEPing good thing I hadn't taken a sip of tea while watching that video, or my Mac would be hosed by now!
This video has no swearing so is suitable for the whole family, if you don't crack a smile watching this then please check yourself for a pulse :D
Baby Panda Sneezing (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbqzgDnfMsE#)
One final video to cheer people up, contains a bit of strong language.
The Penguin Dilemma - Translation (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9c8FJ19yVE&feature=channel&list=UL#)
OK. ahhhhhhhhhhhh Thanks Jane. My cats now think that Mom have went of her rocker, and can not figure out why she is rolling around on the floor.
The Past, the Present, and the Future all walked into a bar.
It was tense.
Thanks Jane,
I adore the penguins :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Trust me, I'm a banker!
Politicians never lie.
This joke takes too long to setup so I'm just going to tell the ending.
The guy opens up the box and there's a tiny man playing beautiful music on a tiny baby grand piano.
Guy: "The genie was either hard of hearing or a practical joker."
Bartender: "Why do you say that?"
Guy: "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
I also don't know if this was already posted, but...
A guy goes to his doctor for a checkup, and the doc says to him, "You're going to have to stop masturbating."
The guy says, "Oh my god, what's wrong?" and the doc replies, "Well, I'm trying to examine you!"
Tourist in Travel Agent's," I am interested in a holiday in Canada. What would you suggest?"
Travel Agent, " Being young and active are you interested in Clubbing?"
"Sounds good."
"Right, how many seals would you like to club?"
"There is always parachuting."
"Oh, really. That sounds better."
"Certainly. What sort of parrots would you like to shoot?"
A man walked into a bar and ordered a hot dog and a beer. He downed the beer. Then he put the hot dog on his head, smashed it with his hand, and walked out the door before the bartender could say a word. The next day, the man returned and ordered the same thing. Again he downed the beer, and again the bartender watched in amazement as the man smashed the hot dog on his head. The man came back the third day and placed his regular order, but this time the bartender said, "I'm sorry, we're out of hot dogs."
The man said, "Okay, give me a bag of potato chips." Then he downed the beer and poured the bag of chips onto his head before smashing them with his hand and heading out the door.
"Wait!" called the bartender. "Why did you smash those chips?"
The man replied, "Because you didn't have any hot dogs."
>:(
Get Your Electro-Caddy Now!!!
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All this and enough room for two golf bags
Quote from: Jamie D on August 07, 2012, 02:11:18 AM
>:(
We're not having a sulk are we? :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Quote from: Cindy James on August 07, 2012, 03:27:46 AM
We're not having a sulk are we? :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I couldn't find a "stinky" icon, in response to your so-called humor.
Why does the Easter Bunny hide the eggs?
He doesn't want Mrs. Bunny to find out that he's having an affair with the chicken
I'm going to have to keep you and Cindy away from one another.
Between the two of you, the awfulness of the jokes could reach critical mass, and implode the entire thread.
What did Goofy say to Micky when he spotted a prostitute in the Magic Kingdom?
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Uhhhuck!!! Hey there, Hi there , a ho there!!!
The mayor was driving to work when he noticed a workman digging a row of holes down the side of the road. But as soon as the holes were dug, another workman came over and filled them up again. The mayor pulled over to investigate. When he asked the workmen what was going on, he was told, "We're usually a three-man crew, but the one who plants the trees is out sick today!"
A wealthy landowner dies and his sons are called together for the reading of the will. The will stipulated that the vast amounts of land were to be used to create a cattle ranch, and that the sons had to work together to come up with a name for the ranch.
They sat together trying different ideas before settling on the Focus Ranch. When asked why they chose this name, the oldest son replied
It's the Focus Ranch because it where the sons raise meat.
Good grief ::).
:)
Quote from: Padma on August 08, 2012, 10:12:20 AM
Good grief ::).
:)
Eeeeerr YEP!!
Sure is in keeping with the thread title. No doubt about that!!! :laugh: :laugh:
Quote from: Padma on August 08, 2012, 10:12:20 AM
Good grief ::).
:)
Quote from: Catherine Sarah on August 08, 2012, 10:18:55 AM
Eeeeerr YEP!!
Sure is in keeping with the thread title. No doubt about that!!! :laugh: :laugh:
I live to serve. >:-)
Quote from: Connie Anne on August 08, 2012, 10:29:07 AM
I live to serve. >:-)
And that you do sooooooo well. Thank you Connie.
I know for a fact my daughter couldn't live without this constant barrage of "Dad" jokes. Well after all, I'm still her biological father.
Huggs
Catherine
Quote from: Catherine Sarah on August 08, 2012, 10:32:47 AM
And that you do sooooooo well. Thank you Connie.
I know for a fact my daughter couldn't live without this constant barrage of "Dad" jokes. Well after all, I'm still her biological father.
Huggs
Catherine
My kids have told me that they can tell by the tone and cadence of my voice that a terrible joke is in progress. I'm getting predictable in my great and advancing age.
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I can't take this thread anymore
The psychiatrist told his patient he was conducting a simple test to measure normal human responses. He asked the patient, "What would happen if I cut off your left ear?"
"I wouldn't be able to hear," replied the patient.
"And what would happen if I cut off your right ear?"
"I wouldn't be able to see."
"Why do you say that?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Because my hat would fall over my eyes."
I so love being able to keep Jamie Happy :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I was expecting "because my specs would fall off..." :)
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I think we give Jamie a form of peaceful meditation to let her soul breathe.
Such generosity humbles me.
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That's What She Said: Jokes Through the Ages Ep. 1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xNq8Ve_wOw#)
Really bad one coming here...
There was an alien, who landed on Earth. His goal was to learn more about the English language. His first stop was the opera house. He overheard one of the singers warming up in their dressing room singing "Me me me me me"
Next he went to a restaurant. He sat at the table and watched the waiter explain to a child what the utensils were, "These are forks and knives" The alien caught the words "forks and knives"
After that he went to a rodeo. Over there he heard a cowboy yelling, "Yeeeeeeeeehawww!"
Next he went to the airport to learn new words elsewhere in the country. So while he was in the airport he overheard the words "Take Off" as the plane was ready for take off.
He then went to a Zoo where the Zebra section was very popular. He asked a French man who happened to be nearby what that creature was called in English. The answer was "Zebra".
Learning that word, he took a trip to the Hospital. He saw all the babies in the hospital. One of the ladies exclaimed, "My baby!" and the alien picked up the word "Baby".
As he was leaving the hospital he saw a man who had just been killed.
Since the alien seemed very interested in the dead man the police who were there asked him, "Do you know who killed this man"?
The alien replied, "Me me me me me!"
The police were astonished and then asked it how he killed him.
The alien replied, "Forks and knives".
The police arrested the alien and told him, "You're going to jail!"
And the alien replied, "Yeeeeeeeeeehawwww"!!!
Baffled, the arresting officer asked, "Well do you have anything to say in your defense?"
The alien replied, "Take-off ze-bra baby!"
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I can't take many more gut shots like that, Alexis.
Quote from: Jamie D on August 12, 2012, 05:35:08 PMI can't take many more gut shots like that, Alexis.
What?!? Sure you can ;)
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!
Please direct all hostility over there *points elsewhere* :P
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Headlines? Head lines!
kid walks up to his father says "dad can I have 20 bucks for a blow job"..... Father replies "I dont know son... are you any good?"
What do you call a coward colonialist who captures a Redcoat?
Chicken Catch-a-Tory! ;D
Your jokes are getting better, Humble Savant
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Barely
There's two fish in a tank
One says to the other, "You man the gun, I'll drive"
Quote from: Your Humble Savant on August 13, 2012, 01:11:17 PM
What do you call a coward colonialist who captures a Redcoat?
Chicken Catch-a-Tory! ;D
You make me proud!
Quote from: Jamie D on August 13, 2012, 01:19:35 PM
Your jokes are getting better, Humble Savant
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Thanks Jamie! Glad I'm contributing to your day ;D
Wouldn't want you to feel PUNished by any of these jokes ;)
Just, just, just end the agony.
Please.
Quote from: Jamie D on August 14, 2012, 01:27:07 PM
Just, just, just end the agony.
Please.
Problem with your knee?
What goes:
Bellow, bellow, have you any soup plates?
A bull in a china shop.
Quote from: Padma on August 14, 2012, 01:37:25 PM
What goes:
Bellow, bellow, have you any soup plates?
A bull in a china shop.
I don't know why, but I about fell out of my chair at this one :laugh:
Fifth time I've tried to post this, maybe the thread has taste after all?
A giant panda walked into a restaurant. He ordered dinner, ate it, and then pulled out a gun and shot the waiter. Terrified, the manager emerged from the kitchen as the panda was walking out the door.
"Hey!" he yelled. "You just shot my waiter. Where do you think you're going?"
The animal replied calmly, "I'm a panda. Look me up in the dictionary."
When the panda was gone, the manager grabbed the dictionary. Sure enough, under panda it said: "Furry mammal. Native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."
I'd have so many bad jokes but most of them make sense only in Finnish.
But here's one:
A man went into a bar with a Golden Retriever and of course, the bartender came to him and said dogs aren't allowed in the bar.
The man with the dog replied: "But this is my guide dog, I'm blind."
The bartender apologized and offered the first drink on the house.
Then another man came to the bar but he had a Chihuahua with him.
The first man with the Retriever gave him a hint: "You can't bring dogs in here unless it's a guide dog."
The one with the Chihuahua thanked him and ordered a drink. The bartender noticed the tiny dog and said dogs aren't allowed in the bar, again.
"But I'm blind and this is my guide dog." the man with the Chihuahua said.
The bartender looked very suspicious and replied: "I don't think I believe. Chihuahuas aren't guide dogs."
And then, the man said:
"What the hell? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
Quote from: Cindy James on August 14, 2012, 09:42:27 PM
Fifth time I've tried to post this, maybe the thread has taste after all?
A giant panda walked into a restaurant. He ordered dinner, ate it, and then pulled out a gun and shot the waiter. Terrified, the manager emerged from the kitchen as the panda was walking out the door.
"Hey!" he yelled. "You just shot my waiter. Where do you think you're going?"
The animal replied calmly, "I'm a panda. Look me up in the dictionary."
When the panda was gone, the manager grabbed the dictionary. Sure enough, under panda it said: "Furry mammal. Native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."
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A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."
Sorry but I have another.
Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
A trans woman walks into a bar that she would frequent while a man and sets her handbag on the counter and a cat climbs out
Quote from: V M on August 15, 2012, 04:56:40 AM
A trans woman walks into a bar that she would frequent while a man and sets her handbag on the counter and a cat climbs out
Hummmm!!! And???
Simple. She let the cat out of the bag.
What do you call someone else's cheese? Nacho Cheese!
What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? A Dyouthinkhesaurus.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on August 15, 2012, 10:25:38 AM
Simple. She let the cat out of the bag.
<
< <
< < <
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed: :embarrassed:
< < <
< <
<
What do you call a nosy pepper?
JALAPENO BUSINESS
- ba-dum-tss -
A man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor says to him, "You really need to stop masturbating."
The man asks, "Why is that?"
The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick
Quote from: Alexis on August 16, 2012, 04:08:31 PM
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick
Oh my! I think I'll have to move that over to the "What made me sad and want to stick a knitting needle through my brain" topic.
Quote from: Jamie D on August 17, 2012, 04:49:12 AM
Oh my! I think I'll have to move that over to the "What made me sad and want to stick a knitting needle trough my brain" topic.
they're supposed to be really bad right? happy to be of service
What do you get when you take a bovine and divide its circumference by its diameter?
Cow pi
Hey, Jamie. I'm back from vacation!
(https://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/8/16/_znMk86f60qXmxcy1vXJNg2.jpg)
How do Vikings communicate?
Norse code.
OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
why isnt this this can be named ' DAD JOKES ' cos if I go out and tell em all I get is AAARGH another DAD joke.... ;D
STILL LOVE EM
Kristyn
A Viking is off on a pillage, when his mum says to him "Be a love and bring us back a new kitchen sink, will you?"
So off he goes, burning villages and all that, but look all he might, he can't find a kitchen sink to take home. Just as his mates are hassling him to come back to the ship, he sees a coal hod outside a hut, and he thinks to himself "Mum's eyesight's not that good, maybe she won't notice the difference." His brother laughs at him when he sees what he's got, but when they get home, their mum's delighted with it.
His brother asks him "How did you get away with that, then?" and he replies with a wink, "Well, a hod's as good as a sink to a blind norse..."
Quote from: Padma on August 20, 2012, 05:07:40 AM
"Well, a hod's as good as a sink to a blind norse..."
Oh. My. Gods.
That was HORRENDOUS. Pardon me as I die in agony over here :icon_headache:
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Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath.
He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Confuious say:
Man who loses key to girlfriend's apartment, get no new key.
Wec shouldn't forget the Eskimo who wa so cold he set a little fire in his canoe. Sadly the canoe sank.
Again demonstrating that:
That you cannot have your kayak and heat it.
If your head resembles a Dutch cheese, do not rest it on the grocer's counter.
(...don't ask...)
Quote from: Cindy James on August 24, 2012, 04:18:09 AM
Wec shouldn't forget the Eskimo who wa so cold he set a little fire in his canoe. Sadly the canoe sank.
Again demonstrating that:
That you cannot have your kayak and heat it.
Why, thank you Cindy. Not only was that a bad joke, it was poorly delivered too!
Two for the price of one! >:(
Quote from: Padma on August 24, 2012, 04:38:34 AM
If your head resembles a Dutch cheese, do not rest it on the grocer's counter.
(...don't ask...)
Don't worry, I won't ::)
Thanks. I was feeling a little flat and I am now laughing like a loony. :laugh:
Karen.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do b>-bleeped-<ipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.
I made 10 entries in a bad joke contest, hoping that I'd win and that at least 1 of my jokes would be mentioned as a finalist.
But, no pun in ten did.
Science--> 1. A guy beat up a lady on the street. In court, he said, "your honor, it wasn't assault, it was a molecular compound!"
2. A house is in the midst of being robbed, but a stranger in a suit comes in and captures all of the burglars. The family asks "Sir, what's your name?" He says, "Bond, Covalent Bond."
3. A biologist and a physicist go out on a date. There was no chemistry.
4. What do you call a scientist who adds water to acid instead of acid to water? Dead.
5. What does friction rob from England? The crown JOULES!
6. When an Englishman is on sea level, he's nought nauts deep.
7. What's the name of the most famous electrical detective? Sherlock Ohms.
8. What does a quantum physicist say when he wants to hit someone? "Let me atom!"
Worst pickup lines ever---> 1. I'll slime you so hard, you can be on Nickelodeon.
2. I think my allergies are acting up, because when I see you, my nether regions swell.
3. How much does your outfit cost? I'll need to know how much to pay you back when I rip it off.
4. I need to know your derivative to find the tangent to your curves.
More bad pick-up lines. ;D
1. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
2. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
>:-)
Quote from: DianaP on August 24, 2012, 10:34:29 AM
3. How much does your outfit cost? I'll need to know how much to pay you back when I rip it off.
Depending on the guy, this one might get a reaction out of me : )
My friends just told me a few more.
1. You want to see my hard drive? It's longer than 3 inches and it ain't floppy. (My friend used this on a girl in his computer science class. It worked. She said it was because he actually had the courage to use something so stupid.)
2. Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes.
3. Those breasts look heavy, mind if I hold them for you?
4. I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock.
For Girls to Use on Guys
1. I'm like a tropical island: hot, wet, and begging for tourists.
2. Do you like pool? I've got the rack if you've got the balls.
3. I'm a hurricane, your a coconut tree. Hold onto your nuts while I blow you away.
How do you catch a red elephant?
With a red elephant trap
How do you catch a green elephant?
Paint him red and catch him with the red elephant trap
How do you catch an orange elephant?
I don't know. I've never seen an orange elephant
Why are elephants big, wrinkled, grey, and hairy?
Because if they were small, smooth, white, and hairless, they'd be aspirin tablets!
How can you use a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune, and Halloween costume to create something tasty?
Make a beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on August 24, 2012, 10:53:50 PM
Why are elephants big, wrinkled, grey, and hairy?
Because if they were small, smooth, white, and hairless, they'd be aspirin tablets!
How can you use a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune, and Halloween costume to create something tasty?
Make a beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.
Oh my. This must be a nightmare I am having.
The orange elephants confirm it.
How do you know pink elephants have been in your yard?
You wake up on the lawn while the sprinklers are going with a righteous hangover then you step in something that vaguely resembles last night's dinner and your wife and the mother of your now adult children walks up to reaffirm that she is expecting again
Why do elephants have red eyes?
So they can hide themselves better in cherry trees.
Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
No? See how well the trick with the red eyes works?
Quote from: Jamie D on August 24, 2012, 10:59:29 PM
Oh my. This must be a nightmare I am having.
The orange elephants confirm it.
You are just delusional. No one could publish jokes as bad as these.
Not a joke per se, but had me in stitches.
Female friend, in bed, woke up as her husband was having sex with her from behind.
"What are you doing!"
"You were snoring." ::)
How does an elephant hide in a cherry tree?
He paints his nutsack red, sits on a seed & wait for it to grow
What's the loudest noise in Africa?
A giraffe eating from a cherry tree
A man is standing on the scales desperately sucking in his stomach. "That's not going to help" says his wife "yes it will" replies the man "It's the only way I can see the numbers"
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town
My dad used to say "fight fire with fire"
I guess that explains why he got kicked ou tof the fire birgade
A man walks in a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm "do you make fishcakes?" he asks "Of course we do" the fishmonger replies "good" says the man "it's his birthday"
Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish & he'll sit in a boat drinking beer all day
A male fly & a female fly are busy eating a cow pat when the male fly farts "do you mind" says the female fly "I'm trying to eat"
Quote from: justmeinoz on August 25, 2012, 06:18:03 AM
Not a joke per se, but had me in stitches.
Female friend, in bed, woke up as her husband was having sex with her from behind.
"What are you doing!"
"You were snoring." ::)
That is terrible ( :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:)
Another girl and I nearly wet ourselves!
Quote from: Jayne on August 25, 2012, 07:01:15 AM
A man walks in a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm "do you make fishcakes?" he asks "Of course we do" the fishmonger replies "good" says the man "it's his birthday"
Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish & he'll sit in a boat drinking beer all day
I reckon they are Jamie fodder
This vid. is just too funny :laugh:
WARNING
Some foul language
Eddie Izzard- Death Star Canteen (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv5iEK-IEzw#)
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
In 1957, several cities were vying to host the 1964 Winter Olympics. Candidates had been eliminated to the point where the only two left were Singapore and Nevers, France. The French venue had an obvious advantage for the games, but the Singaporeans were eager to host the games in their country, so they developed a snow-making machine. Because of technical glitches, the machine produced snow only part of the time. The rest of the time it produced steam, and you can't ski on steam. So they made a last-ditch effort to perfect the machine, knowing that the deadline for a decision from the committee was nigh. To bring moral support and entertainment to the workers, they brought in Elvis Presley, who mounted the stage and said, "Well, today's the day your machine must produce snow. If it belches out steam, the games will go to France. So this is it. It's snow, or Nevers."
Quote from: Jayne on August 25, 2012, 07:01:15 AM
Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish & he'll sit in a boat drinking beer all day
Reminds me of this slogan:
Build a man a fire and he'll stay warm for a night.
Set a man on fire and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.
How can you tell when elephants have been making love in your front yard?
There is garbage all over the place and the trashcan liners are missing.
How do you keep an elephant from escaping under the fence?
Tie a knot in its tail.
How do get an elephant into a Volkswagon Beetle?
Throw a peanut in.
How do you get two elephants into a VW B?
Play love music on the radio.
How do you get four elephants into a VW B?
2 in the front seats. 2 in the back.
How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? (I know it's old, but bare with me)
Footprints in the peanut butter.
How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
You can hear them talking.
How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
Door won't shut.
How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
Volkswagon Beetle is parked outside.
**************************************** WARNING THIS IS REALLY SICK ************************************
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.
His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"
Oh, no: I never found her head.
A man has been seeing his doctor about severe erectile dysfunction for years to no avail. His doctor convinces him to try a new experimental surgery whereby they will replace tissue in his penis with muscles from an elephant's trunk. He heals up and it finally seems to have worked.
He's on a date for the first time in years and he's waiting nervously for the waiter when suddenly his penis, all on it's own, frees itself from his pants, comes up onto the table top, wraps itself around a dinner roll, and disappears back under the table. Both his eyes and his date's eyes get very big. Her jaw has dropped. He starts trying to think of what to say but his date beats him to it.
"WOW, that was impressive!" she says.
"Really" he asks? "I didn't mean to... I mean it's just that..."
And before he can even finish, it happens again, and another dinner roll disappears under the table. The man grimaces.
"No, no. Don't be embarrassed. I'm really impressed!"
Suddenly it happens again and the guy grimaces even harder and actually makes a grunting noise this time, holding his face in his hands.
"Yay!" she says clapping. "Do it again!"
The man seems to have difficulty speaking for some reason.
"Uhm.... I think I probably could but I don't think I can fit any more dinner rolls up my ass."
What's with all of the elephant stuff?
Joke --> What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh.
Quote from: DianaP on August 25, 2012, 01:05:46 PM
What's with all of the elephant stuff?
Joke --> What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh.
Yeah, those elephant jokes don't qualify as "bad" jokes...I've been laughing so hard my trunk's stopped getting dinner rolls...
Stairs, thou art nothing but an organized hill. I laughed so hard when I first heard this one.
Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?" and the other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!"
Quote from: Alexis on August 25, 2012, 01:51:16 PM
Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?" and the other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!"
For some reason I am embarrassed that I laughed at this.
'What's my favourite Christmas wine?'
'Mom, I don't wanna eat my brussels sprouts!'
What do you call bread that's been thrown into the ocean?
Soggy
Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes?
He wanted to go bear foot.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.
Two atoms are talking:
"Help, somebody has stolen one of my electrons!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
What did the elephant say to the to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that little thing?
Does the lack of a funny bone run in the family? ::)
Quote from: Jamie D on August 27, 2012, 11:25:14 PM
Does the lack of a funny bone run in the family? ::)
It's my legacy as a father. >:-)
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves
STOP IT!! JUST STOP IT!! ;D
A funeral procession wove its way down the street, led by a man walking a lion. A line of 200 people walked slowly behind the coffin. A bystander asked the man, "What's going on?"
"My lion ate a lawyer," replied the man, "and this is his funeral."
"Hey," said the bystander, "can I borrow your lion? I've got a lawyer I'd like to have eaten."
"Sorry," said the man, pointing to the 200 people behind him, "you'll have to go to the end of the line."
What do you get when you cross a shark with a puppy? Dead puppy.
What do you get when you cross an Elephant with a Rhinoceros?
An Elephino.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on August 28, 2012, 09:25:28 AM
An Elephino.
You're not supposed to say "an" before it. :)
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Bloody big holes all over Australia.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a peanut butter sandwich?
An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
These jokes are eggcelent!
A guy goes to Hell and the Devil is giving him a tour. He takes him to three doors and tells him he'll have to pick one of them to spend the rest of all eternity and that once he picks, he can never change.
He opens the first door. Inside is a vast room with concrete walls, floors, ceiling. There are columns all throughout and people are standing on their heads--some with their feet against the walls or columns. They're all grunting and red in the face looking completely miserable, of course.
"OMG. I don't think I could stand on my head forever! Let's see the other rooms."
The next room is just like the first except the floor is covered in thick shag carpet. Everyone is doing head-stands just like the first.
"That looks a little softer on the noggin' but I still don't think I could stand on my head forever."
The Devil opens the third door. Inside people are standing knee-deep in poop. Meanwhile, they're all chatting with each other and nibbling on a variety of donuts and sipping hot coffee. The guy immediately covers his mouth and nose with his hand and makes a grimace.
"Oh, it's smells just awful! I imagine you get used to it after a while though. Well it sure beats those other rooms. I guess if that's all my choices, I'll take this one. It is Hell, after all. I shouldn't expect a walk in the park."
"Exactly!" says the Devil. "Wise choice if you ask me. You're quite sure? You can't change your mind."
"I'm sure."
So the Devil shuts the door and the guy pushes his way through the poop over to a table and picks out a donut and pours himself some coffee. He's just about to bite into his donut when the Devil pokes his head in again and says "Coffee break over. Back on your heads!"
That's not a bad joke! I really liked that one :laugh:
The Queen and the Pope are on the same stage. Huge crowd. The Queen and His Holiness however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Her Majesty says to his Holiness, "Pope, did you know, that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in this crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him, and sure enough the little royal gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every pommie in the crowd. Gradually it subsides.
His Holiness, not wishing to be outdone by a woman, who incidentally is wearing a worse frock and hat than he is, thinks to himself, what am I to do. Then it dawns on him. "Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you know that with one nod of my head I can make every Australian in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this joy will go deep to their hearts, and they will talk
of it and rejoice for months."
The Queen seriously doubts this. "One little nod of your head, and all the Australians are joyous for months? Show me."
So the Pope head butts her.
Alexis, I loved your joke. It was hilarious.
Here's one. A construction worker dies and is sent to hell. The devil tells him he is going to be put into eternal damnation. The worker says, "Alright, but can it wait? This balcony could use some work."
The devil tells him that he could fix up the balcony. He does such a good job with it that the devil lets him fix up the rest of hell. Eventually, hell becomes wonderful. However, an angel visited hell to let the devil know of the mix-up and that the worker belonged in heaven.
The devil says, "No way, we need him here. He's made hell wonderful."
The angel says, "Alright, if you're going to be difficult, get ready to be sued."
The devil says, "Oh yeah? Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
Quote from: Connie Anne on August 27, 2012, 11:48:44 PM
It's my legacy as a father. >:-)
Sorry Jamie, it's true ;D
At the pearly gates, three men are standing in front of St. Peter. St. Peter says, "I'm very sorry, but Heaven's a bit overcrowded today, and as such we can only permit one of you inside. Whoever died the worst death may be permitted into Heaven."
The first man says, "I suspected my wife had been cheating on me. I came home early, hoping to surprise her in the act. I went into the bedroom and she was frantically covering herself with blankets and looking guilty. I ran out to the balcony (we're on the thirteenth floor) and there's this guy hanging there by his fingertips. I stomped on his fingers till he fell, but his fall was broken by the bushes below. I was so angry I went and grabbed the fridge and dropped it on him. I was so pissed off that I had a heart attack and died."
The second man says, "I was watering my plants on the balcony of my fifteenth story apartment, when my foot got tangled in the hose and I fell over the edge. I managed to catch the bars of a balcony a few floors down, and thought Thank God! I'm still alive! Then some
>-bleeped-< rushes out and stomps on my fingers till I fall again, but the bushes cushioned me and I thought Thank God! Again I'm saved! Then a fridge comes out of nowhere and crushes me to death."
The third man says, "Imagine being naked in a refrigerator."
>:-) >:-)
"The horror... the horror... "
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi17.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fb54%2Fjamessavik%2Fkatz%2Ffunny-pictures-doh-cat.jpg&hash=d231e4169cd33723b2eb3255ac85702c61506e0f)
A man passed away and goes to heaven. A giant Cat type angel stands at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Heaven", says the cat-angel.
The man enters thru the gates and see a great light. "That must be God", he says. "I need to find out why Saint Peter is a cat."
Approaching the throne, he see a great dog sitting on it. "Oh My God! You're a dog."
The great Dog looks at the man and says: "How is it that you humans got my name backwards?"
Three elderly nuns passed away, and found themselves outside of the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter greeted them, saying, "Sisters, you have led virtuous lives. You need only answer one simple Bible question to gain entrance to your eternal reward."
The three deceased nuns were very happy about that, as they knew the Bible by heart.
So St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man created by God?"
The nun answers, "I'm sure was Adam," and the Pearly Gates flew open, the angels began to sing, and harps began to play.
So St. Peter asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman created by God?"
The nun answered, "I believe it was Eve," and the Pearly Gates flew open, the angels began to sing, and harps began to play.
Then St. Peter asks the third nun, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
The nun, stumped, thinks for a moment, and then says, "Gee, that's a hard one," and the Pearly Gates flew open ...
A woman came up to the bar where I work, and I said to her "What can I get you?" - she replied "I'd like an innuendo, please." So I gave her one.
That's not even funny >:(
Quote from: DianaP on August 28, 2012, 10:15:13 AM
Alexis, I loved your joke. It was hilarious.
I wish I could take credit for it, but I'm not that clever :D Glad you liked it
A boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought about it for a bit and then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".
The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with a couple of sluts."
The father replied, "That's my boy!"
Well, slut means she's easy. 1 million dollars is not easily obtained nor is it a feeble offer. Still, it was funny.
Here's a joke I actually told.
Alright, for background, I took AP Calculus BC and my teacher gave some problems every day. The first one to finish each could come up to the board to explain it. I finished a problem first and explained it. I, however, LOVE math and science, so I always explain things enthusiastically, except this time my teacher thought I was a bit TOO enthusiastic.
He seriously asked, "Hey *birth name*, are you on something?" The entire class laughed.
I decided that I wanted to get the last joke, so I replied, "Heck yes, I'm high on crystal MATH." Then I snorted the chalkboard. The class laughed harder.
NEXT JOKES\/\/\/\/\/\/
My calculus teacher is awesome, so we always joke around. (So you'll get this, he's bald.)
Here was our exchange. Don't ask how it got here.
Fellow classmate-->Hey Mr. Wise, how much do you make?
Mr. Wise---> I've actually been working as a teacher for a long time, so I actually make over 100 grand per year, with benefits.
Me--> So that's what your wife sees in you. (Class laughs)
Mr. Wise--> At least I got cash and a lady. What do you have? (Class goes "ooooh")
Me--> Um, hair? (Class laughs)
Mr. Wise--> Yeah, but not clean hair. (Class laughs)
Me--> Same goes for your teeth. (Class laughs harder)
Mr. Wise--> And your skin. (Class laughs even harder)
I suppose he won that round...
I pull jokes like this in all of my classes, but never get in trouble.
Moral of the story--> You can get away with a lot if you're nice, helpful, and the school's top student.
OK. Are y'all ready? Here we go.
Two men, a rich man and a working man, are in a pub talking about hunting.
"Have you ever been gorilla hunting?", asks the rich man.
"Can't say I have.", replies the working man.
"Let's go next weekend.", smiles the rich man.
"OK", says the working man. "But do we need any thing?"
"Well. Yes. Cages, gorilla calls, specially trained dog and a 22 cal pistol", thinks the rick man.
"Hmmm. The only thing I have is a 22 cal. Pistol.", the working man says.
"Bring it and we will meet at the airport next Saturday."
"Done", says the working man.
The next Saturday rolls around and they meet at the airport. The working man sees the rich man standing by a private plane. He is overseeing the loading of cages, equipment, the dog in its kennel.
"Ready to go?" Asks the rich man.
"Yeah. I brought the pistol", replies the working man. "But how is this going to work/"
" Well. When we get there, we will set up the cages."
"Then I will blow a gorilla call. When the gorilla answers, I will sneak up on it and hit it in the head with this club.", begins the rich man. "When the gorilla hits the ground, the dog will run up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it. I'll jump down and we will pick it up and place it in a cage"
"Sounds easy, but what is the gun for?, asks the working man.
"Don't worry about it", says the rich man. "I will tell you when we need it."
So off they head to Africa. They arrive and head into the jungle. There they set up camp.
"Let's get started, shall we?", asks the rick man.
"Yeah", says the working man.
So the rich man blow a gorilla call. A small gorilla answers, and the rich man sneaks up the tree and hits it in the head with a club. The gorilla hits the ground, the dog runs up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it. The rich man jumps down and they will pick it up and place it in a cage.
"See how easy this is", beams the rich man.
"Yeah!", exclaims the working man. "But what is the pistol for?"
"Never mind the gun, you will know when to use it.", says the rich man.
"Let's go after another", Says the rich man, and the working man nods in agreement.
So the rich man blow a gorilla call. This time a medium gorilla answers, and the rich man sneaks up the tree and hits it in the head with a club. The gorilla hits the ground, the dog runs up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it. The rich man jumps down and they will pick it up and place it in a cage.
"This is so easy", says the working man. "But what is the gun for?"
"Never mind the damn gun", fumes the rich man. "Now lets get another, before lunch."
The working man smiles, just slightly.
So the rich man blow a gorilla call. This time one of largest gorillas in all of Africa answers, and the rich man starts to sneak up the tree to hits it in the head with a club. But the gorilla spy's the man out of the corner of it's eye. The great beast grabs the man's arm and tosses him from the tree. As the rich man hits the ground, the dog begins to run. ...
"SHOOT THE DOG! FOR GOD"S SAKE SHOOT THE DOG!!!!!!!!!!"
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on August 28, 2012, 02:27:18 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi17.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fb54%2Fjamessavik%2Fkatz%2Ffunny-pictures-doh-cat.jpg&hash=d231e4169cd33723b2eb3255ac85702c61506e0f)
That's one hairy leg... ???
This joke has become such a habit for me that all many of my close friends groan the moment it pops its ugly head.
Whenever someone says "69", I chime in VERY enthusiastically with "That's my second-favorite sexual position!"
The enthusiasm is very important because you have to inspire them to ask about your favorite, to which I reply "68".
Now you can skip this next part and instead of saying just "68", you can deliver the punchline, but it's not as good if you do. Ideally you should wait for them to ask what 68 is. It's not as easy as the first part. It helps to look everyone in the eyes for a moment like you're waiting and get their curiosity up since they've already "gone there". It helps to know your audience here. Some people WON'T want to know. I suggest doing this only with close friends who you know enjoy this kind of humor. But when they finally ask (probably with a sigh)...
"68-- you do me and I'll owe you one!"
Quote from: Beth Andrea on August 29, 2012, 01:33:47 AM
That's one hairy leg... ???
It's from the net. Not my leg.
It is a net.
btw, for those who are curious about the real differences between heaven and hell, I have answers...
In Heaven...
the police are British
the chefs are French
the lovers are Italian
the mechanics are German
and everything is run by the Swiss.
In Hell...
the police are German
the chefs are British
the lovers are Swiss
the mechanics are French
and everything is run by the Italians.
Quote from: Alexis on August 29, 2012, 10:23:28 AM
btw, for those who are curious about the real differences between heaven and hell, I have answers...
In Heaven...
the police are British
the chefs are French
the lovers are Italian
the mechanics are German
and everything is run by the Swiss.
In Hell...
the police are German
the chefs are British
the lovers are Swiss
the mechanics are French
and everything is run by the Italians.
But at least the trains run on time. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-9.gif&hash=42bd2ee88d4ddc91007b3b25799f543e9ee358f1)
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on August 28, 2012, 10:10:28 PM
OK. Are y'all ready? Here we go.
Two men, a rich man and a working man, are in a pub talking about hunting.
"Have you ever been gorilla hunting?", asks the rich man.
"Can't say I have.", replies the working man.
"Let's go next weekend.", smiles the rich man.
"OK", says the working man. "But do we need any thing?"
"Well. Yes. Cages, gorilla calls, specially trained dog and a 22 cal pistol", thinks the rick man.
"Hmmm. The only thing I have is a 22 cal. Pistol.", the working man says.
"Bring it and we will meet at the airport next Saturday."
"Done", says the working man.
The next Saturday rolls around and they meet at the airport. The working man sees the rich man standing by a private plane. He is overseeing the loading of cages, equipment, the dog in its kennel.
"Ready to go?" Asks the rich man.
"Yeah. I brought the pistol", replies the working man. "But how is this going to work/"
" Well. When we get there, we will set up the cages."
"Then I will blow a gorilla call. When the gorilla answers, I will sneak up on it and hit it in the head with this club.", begins the rich man. "When the gorilla hits the ground, the dog will run up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it. I'll jump down and we will pick it up and place it in a cage"
"Sounds easy, but what is the gun for?, asks the working man.
"Don't worry about it", says the rich man. "I will tell you when we need it."
So off they head to Africa. They arrive and head into the jungle. There they set up camp.
"Let's get started, shall we?", asks the rick man.
"Yeah", says the working man.
So the rich man blow a gorilla call. A small gorilla answers, and the rich man sneaks up the tree and hits it in the head with a club. The gorilla hits the ground, the dog runs up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it. The rich man jumps down and they will pick it up and place it in a cage.
"See how easy this is", beams the rich man.
"Yeah!", exclaims the working man. "But what is the pistol for?"
"Never mind the gun, you will know when to use it.", says the rich man.
"Let's go after another", Says the rich man, and the working man nods in agreement.
So the rich man blow a gorilla call. This time a medium gorilla answers, and the rich man sneaks up the tree and hits it in the head with a club. The gorilla hits the ground, the dog runs up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it. The rich man jumps down and they will pick it up and place it in a cage.
"This is so easy", says the working man. "But what is the gun for?"
"Never mind the damn gun", fumes the rich man. "Now lets get another, before lunch."
The working man smiles, just slightly.
So the rich man blow a gorilla call. This time one of largest gorillas in all of Africa answers, and the rich man starts to sneak up the tree to hits it in the head with a club. But the gorilla spy's the man out of the corner of it's eye. The great beast grabs the man's arm and tosses him from the tree. As the rich man hits the ground, the dog begins to run. ...
"SHOOT THE DOG! FOR GOD"S SAKE SHOOT THE DOG!!!!!!!!!!"
I read that, Janet. Every last word.
"Shoot the dog"? That's the punchline? Shoot the damn dog?
Oy vey.
But did you get it?
Yes and that is why it is a bad joke.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on August 28, 2012, 10:10:28 PM
OK. Are y'all ready? Here we go.
Two men, a rich man and a working man, are in a pub talking about hunting.
"Have you ever been gorilla hunting?", asks the rich man.
"Can't say I have.", replies the working man.
"Let's go next weekend.", smiles the rich man.
"OK", says the working man. "But do we need any thing?"
"Well. Yes. Cages, gorilla calls, specially trained dog and a 22 cal pistol", thinks the rick man.
"Hmmm. The only thing I have is a 22 cal. Pistol.", the working man says.
"Bring it and we will meet at the airport next Saturday."
"Done", says the working man.
The next Saturday rolls around and they meet at the airport. The working man sees the rich man standing by a private plane. He is overseeing the loading of cages, equipment, the dog in its kennel.
"Ready to go?" Asks the rich man.
"Yeah. I brought the pistol", replies the working man. "But how is this going to work/"
" Well. When we get there, we will set up the cages."
"Then I will blow a gorilla call. When the gorilla answers, I will sneak up on it and hit it in the head with this club.", begins the rich man. "When the gorilla hits the ground, the dog will run up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it. I'll jump down and we will pick it up and place it in a cage"
"Sounds easy, but what is the gun for?, asks the working man.
"Don't worry about it", says the rich man. "I will tell you when we need it."
So off they head to Africa. They arrive and head into the jungle. There they set up camp.
"Let's get started, shall we?", asks the rick man.
"Yeah", says the working man.
So the rich man blow a gorilla call. A small gorilla answers, and the rich man sneaks up the tree and hits it in the head with a club. The gorilla hits the ground, the dog runs up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it. The rich man jumps down and they will pick it up and place it in a cage.
"See how easy this is", beams the rich man.
"Yeah!", exclaims the working man. "But what is the pistol for?"
"Never mind the gun, you will know when to use it.", says the rich man.
"Let's go after another", Says the rich man, and the working man nods in agreement.
So the rich man blow a gorilla call. This time a medium gorilla answers, and the rich man sneaks up the tree and hits it in the head with a club. The gorilla hits the ground, the dog runs up, bite it in the testicles, paralyzing it. The rich man jumps down and they will pick it up and place it in a cage.
"This is so easy", says the working man. "But what is the gun for?"
"Never mind the damn gun", fumes the rich man. "Now lets get another, before lunch."
The working man smiles, just slightly.
So the rich man blow a gorilla call. This time one of largest gorillas in all of Africa answers, and the rich man starts to sneak up the tree to hits it in the head with a club. But the gorilla spy's the man out of the corner of it's eye. The great beast grabs the man's arm and tosses him from the tree. As the rich man hits the ground, the dog begins to run. ...
"SHOOT THE DOG! FOR GOD"S SAKE SHOOT THE DOG!!!!!!!!!!"
Guys will do anything to protect their balls...
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on August 29, 2012, 12:29:50 PM
But did you get it?
Yes and that is why it is a bad joke.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpcwize.com%2Fthebat%2Fpcwsmileys%2Fpcwimages%2Faward-understatement.jpg&hash=e90422649fb40f7846ffcab36784edec6aaf223f)
;)
Quote from: Jamie D on August 29, 2012, 12:25:09 PM
I read that, Janet. Every last word.
"Shoot the dog"? That's the punchline? Shoot the damn dog?
Oy vey.
Well put, Jamie.
How many druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Druids screw in stone circles, not light bulbs.
I dont know if someone has put this before...
An Englishman goes to a hotel.
The man asks for a room, the receptionist says 'im sorry but we've only got one room and whoever goes in it keeps dying'.
The man says 'im not afraid!' so he takes the room and goes upstairs. After a while he hears a voice coming from the wardrobe:
'Ill bite off your arms, ill bite off your legs, ill bite off your head and gobble you all up'
in terror the man throws himself out of the window and dies.
The next day an Irishman goes to the hotel.
The man asks for a room, the receptionist says 'im sorry but we've only got one room and whoever goes in it keeps dying'.
The man says 'im not afraid!' so he takes the room and goes upstairs. After a while he hears a voice coming from the wardrobe:
'Ill bite off your arms, ill bite off your legs, ill bite off your head and gobble you all up'
again the man is so scared he throws himself out of the window and dies.
The next day a Scottishman goes to the hotel.
The man asks for a room, the receptionist says 'im sorry but we've only got one room and whoever goes in it keeps dying'.
The man says 'im not afraid!' so he takes the room and goes upstairs. After a while he hears the same voice coming from the wardrobe:
'Ill bite off your arms, ill bite off your legs, ill bite off your head and gobble you all up'
Braver then the others he opens the wardrobe and finds a man sat eating Jelly Babies. ::)
Quote from: Jaime on August 29, 2012, 04:18:37 PM
Why would anyone want to screw in a light bulb anyway? There's no air and those things are usually pretty limited on space too.
Okay, how about this one.
How many Thelemites does it take to screw in a light bulb? It better be one big light bulb!
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them
How many transphobes does it take to tile a bathroom? Depends how thinly you slice 'em.
Quote from: Connie Anne on August 29, 2012, 04:12:37 PM
How many druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Druids screw in stone circles, not light bulbs.
You are contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
Quote from: Jamie D on August 29, 2012, 08:43:08 PM
You are contributing to the delinqiency of a minor.
No I'm not, ze'll be 21 in a few months. A minor is younger than 18!
Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of its bark.
How do you make soup gold?
You put in fourteen carrots.
A man is a bus driver on Sesame Street and insists on meeting all of his riders. At the first stop, two overweight women got on the bus; both are named Patty. At the next stop, a mentally challenged boy named Ross got on. At the final stop, a disgusting man named Lester Freeze got on, took off his shoes, and picked at his bunions.
When the bus driver got home, his wife asked him if he met anyone new that day. He said, "Two obese Patties, special Ross; Lester Freeze picks his bunions on a Sesame Street bus."
A dentist found something wrong with one of his patients. The upper plate that had been put in earlier was corroding. "What have you been eating?" the dentists asked the man.
"All I can think of is that about three months ago my wife made some asparagus and put Hollandaise sauce on it. I loved it so much, I put it on everything now."
"That's the problem," the dentist said, frowning. "Hollandaise sauce contains lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?"
"It's simple. Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."
of course they do
time reversed owls who?
time reversed owls
who's there
knock knock
I went to the airport and got in the TSA line, I was frisked, I was groped, I was patted down...
I got back in line :icon_eyebrow:
Two of those light bulb jokes reminded me of others that were similar.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two but how do you get 'em in there?
How many straight Los Angeles waiters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Both of them.
How many Union electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. You gotta ah problem wid dat?
Here's one for the musos:
How do you tell when a 12-strong guitar's in tune?
Nobody knows...
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up an oboe.
What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A bassoon burns longer.
What's the difference between a tavern and an elephant fart?
A tavern is a Bar Room while an elephant fart is more of a BARROOM!
What do you call Robin Hood's mother?
Mother Hood.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Not a joke, but a song...
The Assumption Song
The Assumption Song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TywmpMQYojs#)
Shaving Cream Song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rpq6u8hYgk#)
What the difference between the Panama Canal and a dog in a centrifuge?
The Panama Canal is a busy ditch...
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
How d'you get a banjo to have perfect pitch?
You toss it into a Dumpster and it doesn't hit any of the sides.
What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What's the difference between an alto and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up the frills.
How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
46. 1 to change the lightbulb, 45 to stop the lead guitarist from jumping into the circle of light.
A frog named Kermit Jagger goes to a bank to get a loan. He talks to a teller named Patty Mack. Patty asks the frog what he has for collateral. The frog pulls out a small figurine, but Patty says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheap knick knack." The bank manager had been walking by at the time and overheard the conversation. Looking over, he said, "This figurine is three hundred years old -- it's priceless. That's no knick knack, Patty Mack, give that frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
An orchestra is playing Beethoven's 9th Symphony. There is a passage in the middle when, for about 20 minutes, the bass violinists have nothing to do. So they decide to slip out to a bar and drink a few beers. After a while one says, "Hey, we better get going."
But another says, "No, wait. I tied several pages of the conductor's sheet music together, so we'll have a couple of extra minutes while he sorts it out."
So they stay for another round. Finally when they go staggering back to their places. It was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, and the bassists were loaded.
In a particular small country, there was a king. He was much beloved of the people, and so they built for him a castle. But they were poor people and could only afford to build it out of grass. So they worked for weeks, and finally completed a lovely woven grass castle for him. And the king was pleased.
Another country, significantly richer than the first, presented a peace offering of an ornate throne. The king accepted this gift graciously and was most pleased. The only trouble was, the throne was very uncomfortable. So the king got himself a more comfortable chair and kept the massive throne in the attic. Naturally, it fell through the floor and killed him.
The moral of this story: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
So a teacher says to one of her students, "Johnny, If I gave you 3 rabbits today, and 5 rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have?"
Johnny responds, "9"
The teacher responds to that, "No, that's not quite right, you'd have 8"
Johnny replies, "No, I'd have 9. I already have 1 rabbit at home."
Quote from: Alexis on September 02, 2012, 07:39:36 PM
So a teacher says to one of her students, "Johnny, If I gave you 3 rabbits today, and 5 rabbits tomorrow, how many rabbits would you have?"
Johnny responds, "9"
The teacher responds to that, "No, that's not quite right, you'd have 8"
Johnny replies, "No, I'd have 9. I already have 1 rabbit at home."
Smart kid...
Okay, why does a milking stool have 3 legs? Because the cow has the udder! Hahahahahahaha :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
How do police scare bugs away? With the S.W.A.T team!!
How did the Pillsburry Doughboy die? Yeast infection!!!
Why did the fly fly? Because spider spider.
What is a mermaid's underwear? Algebra
How is a piece of gum like a sneeze? It's a chew!
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-Bell prize!
A man walks through a door and a bucket of soap water falls on him. Talk about a clean joke!
Why do hamburgers have less energy than steak? They're in the GROUND state!
Why do students study ammonia in chem class? It's BASIC material!
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it.
What did the grape do when it was stepped on? It let out a wine!!
What did one plate say to the other? Dinner's on me!
(Messed up) --> Where does a one-legged man work? At IHOP!
Cross a vampire and snowman and what do you get? Frostbite!
Why did the orange go out with a prune? It couldn't find a date!
Why is it difficult for a ship captain to learn the alphabet? They get lost at "C"!
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!!
Why don't they serve greasy foods in prison? They make you break out!!
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Where do white bears vote? The north poll!
What did the judge say to the skunk? Odor in the court!!
Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter? I won't tell you; you might spread it!!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Ow, my sides!!! Hahahahahaha :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Quote from: DianaP on September 02, 2012, 08:19:06 PM
//snip
(Messed up) --> Where does a one-legged man work? At IHOP!
//snip
I feel like a bad person for laughing at that
Wanna hear something dirty? A boy fell in the mud
Wanna hear something clean? He took a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear something dirty again? Bubbles is the girl next door
Quote from: Alexis on September 02, 2012, 08:24:32 PM
I feel like a bad person for laughing at that
Don't worry, it's just a joke.
I don't know if I mentioned this already, but something to say to lifeguards.
"Help, I'm pretending to drown!!"
A Jewish missionary went to Africa to educate a tribe of pygmies called Trids. After a few weeks, during the first full moon, the Rabbi noticed the Trids getting nervous. Then all of a sudden, a giant gorilla came out of the jungle and started kicking the Trids up in the trees. The Rabbi confronted the gorilla and said, "Pick on someone your own size!" The gorilla replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
********************* Warning May cause undue feelings. Remember it is just a joke, a very bad one **********
There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.
Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.
"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.
Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.
Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"
"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"
So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.
"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."
"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"
"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."
The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.
"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"
"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"
So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.
"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"
"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"
"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"
Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.
Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."
Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."
It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."
Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."
The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."
Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."
Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."
It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.
"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."
The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."
It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.
Moral: Don't stand up in a boat.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on September 02, 2012, 10:16:31 PM
Moral: Don't stand up in a boat.
Haha. I cheated and skipped ahead to the punch line. Still funny. Reminds me of the Kusch Machre. No way I'm going to type that one out.
A dog, a cat and a mouse were hanging out on the porch after a long day, the cat pipes up...
As much as I like playing chase about, my servants are beginning to annoy me by waking me up every time mouse runs across the floor
To which the dog replies... That's okay, I'm having a pretty good time!!! The cat thinks to herself... Hmf... I can't believe I even allow this maroon even play chase
Noting the cat's dismay, the mouse perks up and says why don't we reverse it for awhile? I'll chase the cat and the cat will chase the dog... Could be fun
They all agree
Two weeks later the owner of the house is committed and the property put up for sale
The moral of the story?
What? You want a moral now too?
QuoteMoral: Don't stand up in a boat.
Could you kindly put a "trigger" warning at the beginning? I'm crying my eyes out right now.
Thanks.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon and follow with "I guess you had to be there."
One man asks his friend, "Hey, do you think you're wife is pretty?"
He said, "Yes. Wait, no."
The man asked, "Well, how could you not know? There must be a difference."
His friend replies, "There is."
The man asks, "Well, what is it?"
His friend says, "The light."
Haha :laugh:
Oh my!
I am glad Cindy is not here to read these last few. It might cause her to slip into rigor mortis.
Fortunately I was holding on to the porcelain.
What's black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?
A penguin falling down stairs.
Ah I feel better already.
An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit. It had a tendency to scurry up trees like its step-siblings instead of hopping along the ground. And it ate acorns and nuts instead of carrots. By the time it was half grown, the rabbit realized that it was different, so it went to its step-parents to discuss the problem.
He said he was unsure of his place in the universe and was generally forlorn.
His step-parents advised, "Don't scurry. Be hoppy."
What do you get when you take a bovine and divide its circumference by its diameter?
Cow pi.
What do you get when you take green cheese and divide its circumference by its diameter?
Moon pi.
What do you get when you take a native Alaskan and divide its circumference by its diameter?
Eskimo pi.
What do you get when you take the sun and divide its circumference by its diameter?
Pi in the sky.
What's black, white, black, white, black, white, and red?
A nun in a blender.
What's got 12 legs, 4 tails, and one eye?
Three blind mice and half a kipper.
Quote from: Padma on September 04, 2012, 07:24:10 AM
What's got 12 legs, 4 tails, and one eye?
Three blind mice and half a kipper.
That is so Python!
I just remember someone telling me that when I was a kid, and it cracking me up :).
Quote from: Padma on September 04, 2012, 07:24:10 AM
What's got 12 legs, 4 tails, and one eye?
Three blind mice and half a kipper.
I had to look up kipper. I'm a dumb American.
They don't travel well :).
Is there an equivalent universally-recognised smoked fish in the States?
I don't think we do too much fish over here. Some specific cultures within our Empire might, but overall I think we're much more into fast food with all its myriad glories.
I remember in the early 80's there was a BIG stink when most places decided to deep-fry their french fries ("chips" to the British) in vegetable oil, rather than animal fat. The fries are still gaggable to me, even today. :-X
Quote from: Cindy James on September 04, 2012, 01:28:28 AM
Fortunately I was holding on to the porcelain.
What's black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?
A penguin falling down stairs.
Ah I feel better already.
The healing properties of humor are well known.
If I could only find some here.
Quote from: Padma on September 04, 2012, 10:46:07 AM
Is there an equivalent universally-recognised smoked fish in the States?
Not really. We're not that big on fish here. Maybe because so many Americans are deeply inland.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FkF1m2.jpg&hash=dd311cd74ac9485943ea8dad6038b62868bc1d99)
Quote from: dalebert on September 05, 2012, 11:59:07 AM
Not really. We're not that big on fish here. Maybe because so many Americans are deeply inland.
That's weird, considering how all you yanks go fishing with your dads all the time in books and the movies :).
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.yoxi.net%2Fanitya%2Fborg.jpg&hash=cc10c5c209c329fba6d21412413e98c07f048040)
Two men were walking through the desert. They were nearly out of water when they saw three tents in the distance. The hurried over to see if they could get some water. In the first tent they were told, "I'm sorry we only have trifle." In the second tent, again, "I'm sorry we only have trifle." They went into the third tent and again asked for water only to be told, "I'm sorry we only sell trifle." As they walked on, one turned to the other and said, "That was a trifle bazaar."
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
[Townsfolk] Sheriff, ya got to help me! Black Bart's on the loose!
[Sheriff] What's he look like?
[Townsfolk] Well, he's got a paper hat, paper boots, paper chaps, and a paper vest....
[Sheriff] What's he wanted for?
[Townsfolk] Rustlin'
Quote from: dalebert on September 05, 2012, 11:59:07 AM
Not really. We're not that big on fish here. Maybe because so many Americans are deeply inland.
LA and New York aren't that far inland. Neither are San Fran, Seattle, Portland, San Diego, Wa DC, all of Florida...I'd wager a bucket of M & M's that much--maybe half--of the population is within 100 miles of the oceans or Great Lakes.
I'd bet the popularity of fish is tied to its expense compared to other kinds of meat. And the difficulty in properly cooking it (not over- or under-done) for the average cook.
Kippers come in little cans, right? Open it, eat it raw. I knew a guy in the AF who would do that, and oysters too...Ritz cracker, Cheez-Whiz, and a little sardine (sometimes topped with a black olive)...and a shot of rum to wash it down. Great party guy.
Damn, I wish I had a bad joke to tell to get this thread back in line.
Oh, here's one...
There once was a man from Nantuck... Oh nevermind, you've all heard it before. ;)
earworm earworm earworm
I'm guessing Ms. OBrien will like this one.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F4nPmO.jpg&hash=11e5470c2b9b7f41830709710fe491b25dbd5d1d)
Hummmmm Sodium Chloride over Sodium Hydroxide. HUH?!?! (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-7.gif&hash=9f27f1603b9ef76a5d4bbeedcd1615f680c36e8b)
Oh! wait a minute. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-8.gif&hash=d9498942f8bbb4bf3ad29af75944ea5e1135c6fa) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
What kind of coat does a vampire wear in the rain?
A wet one.
Daniel and Ginny are walking down the street one evening. As they pass one house, they hear loud shouting and crashes inside. Peter and Elizabeth Jones live there and are having a fierce argument. At the height of the quarrel, Peter picks up a table lamp, rips it out of the wall, and hurls it at Elizabeth. Elizabeth ducks, and the lamp flies past her through the window. It sails over Daniel and Ginny's heads. Daniel looks up and exclaims, "Soft! What light through yonder window breaks!"
Why was 6 afraid of 7? It wasn't. Numbers aren't sentient and are thus incapable of feeling fear.
This one has wirty dord or two so I'm just going to link it with fair warning.
http://imgur.com/j2NRn (http://imgur.com/j2NRn)
A blonde walks in the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream cone.
The clerk tells her that he has no chocolate ice cream, only vanilla and strawberry.
The blonde then orders a pint of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk once again tells her he has no chocolate ice cream, just vanilla and strawberry.
The blonde then orders a quart of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk once again tells her he has no chocolate ice cream, only vanilla and strawberry.
The blonde then orders a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk then asks her how she spells van as in vanilla.
She says, V-A-N.
He then asks her how she spells straw as in strawberry.
She says, S-T-R-A-W
He then asks her how she spells frack as in chocolate.
After a while she says there is no frack in chocolate.
THATS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU
Ok, I made this up years ago. We were making jokes politically correct.
Q: How many persons of an unspecified ethnic minority group does it take to manipulate a common electrical fixture?
A: Some.
^.^
a man goes to a cirkus asking for a job:
"okay, so what can you do?"
-"I can imitate birds" the man say.
"but we already know so many who do that already."
"- well guess I must keep on seaching then" he said and flew out of the window.
-----
a mouse and a elephan is lovers, as they walk they see some of the mouse friends comming by, wellknowned that the mouse and the elephants relationship arn't looking good at the elephant say. "hurry hide in my a*s!"
they mouse do so untill the elephans friend pass by and crawl out again.
out of sudden the mouse starts crying.
"whats wrong?" the elephant ask
"now, your friend is comming"
-------
@Twyla - I like that one
This one's slightly incorrect (sorry if this is offensive, it's in good fun) :angel:
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of being a human being
I can't take it anymore!
I think I am going to lock this thread, for the sake of all humanity.
And I shall unlock it. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
A small grocery store had just installed some new juice machines, and everybody who worked there was excited about who would be chosen to run them. One employee in particular, a grocery bagger, was determined to get the job. He went to the manager and made his case, telling his boss how excited he was about the new juicers, and how badly he wanted to be the one chosen to run them. His boss turned him down.
"But why?" protested the hapless young man.
"Son," replied his boss, "Everybody knows that baggers can't be juicers."
Do you reckon we should should have a collection to buy JamieD her own padded cell?
We can secretly install a bad joke screen before we lock the door.
Nah, Pillory in the town square so we can throw current puns at her!.
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And it doesn't.
Forecast for the weekend(not MY weekend) : mostly drunk, with a chance of hangover.
Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this?"
********** Warning ***********
Q. Why did they monkey fall out of the tree?
A. He was dead.
Q. Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
A. He was tied to the monkey. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-9.gif&hash=42bd2ee88d4ddc91007b3b25799f543e9ee358f1)
Quote from: Connie Anne on September 08, 2012, 09:31:36 AM
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And it doesn't.
Is it bad that I like that one?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FwvFYN.jpg&hash=a4ead7cb7c2d03da276b64b125abc612c6e1871a)
Quote from: Twyla on September 08, 2012, 10:04:09 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FwvFYN.jpg&hash=a4ead7cb7c2d03da276b64b125abc612c6e1871a)
Thanks, now I have that song in my head...you know the one, the song the radio plays 18 times every hour.
And this is crazy...call me maybe...
QuoteThanks, now I have that song in my head...you know the one, the song the radio plays 18 times every hour.
And this is crazy...call me maybe...
Heehee, sorry, that was a little mean of me...
=^.^=
Quote from: Twyla on September 08, 2012, 11:46:33 AM
Heehee, sorry, that was a little mean of me...
=^.^=
At least it's a fun song...not like Devo, "crack that whip...whip it...whip it good..."
;)
Arrg! Devo o.O;
That deserves this!
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Quote from: Connie Anne on September 08, 2012, 09:31:36 AM
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And it doesn't.
Physics jokes are cool.
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on September 08, 2012, 12:52:29 PM
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
What people won't do to stop lawsuits. Also, PEANUTS AREN'T NUTS!!!
Quote from: Jamie D on September 08, 2012, 12:46:13 PM
Physics jokes are cool.
Then get ready for a field day.
Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism.
Title: A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor
One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.
Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.
Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?
A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red.
The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines a transistor as a nun who's had a sex change.
Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle says "You can never be sure how many beers you had last night."
Physics quote of the day: Anything that doesn't matter has no mass.
A student riding in a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited he asks, "Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?"
Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.
Thank you Diana. I have stolen the Nun joke for my profile.
Hmmm....a Rick roll....how quaint...... :P
Quote from: Twyla on September 08, 2012, 12:40:12 PM
Arrg! Devo o.O;
That deserves this!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FSN2i3.jpg&hash=cf11b49d2d83fc95c60d9d4236c79a28f1f40ef4)
Did you know that Julie Andrews is psychic? but she can only predict the onset of bad breath.
I read it in the headlines yesterday, "Super California Psychic, Expert Halitosis"
This one is especially for Ms. OBrien.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F80ZhP.jpg&hash=79c35f8c89e7d8d404afceaf4bbf201ff0012053)
Murphy's wife told him he should put a pair of clean socks on every day. By Friday he couldn't get his boots on.
Why was the chessmaster interested in foreign women?
He wanted a Czech mate.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on September 12, 2012, 09:37:04 AM
But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk.
Wait, what? You can't ...
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I sort of miss laughing. :(
One of my recent favorites
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A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here"
...Get it? He walked into a bar because he wanted a drink. That's why he was asking for the barkeep. It's funny because insects usually don't drink alcohol. Also, they can't talk so what would he have said to the barkeep anyways?
This guy's walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night. There isn't another soul on the street. Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump...bump. He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him. Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run. He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.
Bump...bump...bump.
The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man's horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk. He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP!
He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps. He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath. Bump...bump...bump. There is a moment's silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe. Suddenly....
Bump...bump...bump...Bump...BUMP! BUMP! BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!!
He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges. Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after. BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP! Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin -- a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp -- but the coffin keeps coming!
BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE,
and nothing seems to slow it down! His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!
The coffin stops.
Quote from: dalebert on September 12, 2012, 08:55:15 PM
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here"
...Get it? He walked into a bar because he wanted a drink. That's why he was asking for the barkeep. It's funny because insects usually don't drink alcohol. Also, they can't talk so what would he have said to the barkeep anyways?
This is a stick up (?)
Termites have a strange sense of humour. They get into all sorts of antics.
Quote from: Cindy James on September 13, 2012, 04:06:00 AM
Termites have a strange sense of humour. They get into all sorts of antics.
Ants have a strange sense of humour. They cause all sorts of termoil.
Quote from: Cindy James on September 13, 2012, 04:06:00 AM
This is a stick up (?)
Termites have a strange sense of humour. They get into all sorts of antics.
Quote from: Padma on September 13, 2012, 04:39:29 AM
Ants have a strange sense of humour. They cause all sorts of termoil.
U people!!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FNEq4J.jpg&hash=965aa1ef96c29ece50e05097137bd50c3d293e08)
What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
What's Irish and lies around in the sun all day?
Patty O'Furniture.
********** Warning ***********
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. There was no sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists, because they feared an international incident. They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach and, sure enough, found the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."
That's not funny. >:(
I think I'll make a Janet voodoo doll. It could be my only hope of preserving my insanity.
What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour?
Leave it in the cow.
What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour?
Leave it in the cow.
One day three fishermen were out in a boat in the Gulf of Mexico. They had not caught a thing all day when suddenly, one of the fishermen's poles started jerking. He grabbed it and started reeling in his line and shouting, "I got something! I got something!"
He had caught a nice fish, about ten inches long. The fishermen were about to revel in his accomplishment when the fish shook the hook out of his mouth and transformed into a being, half man and half fish, sporting a crown and holding a trident.
"Who are you?" said the frightened fisherman who had caught him.
"I AM NEPTUNE, GOD OF THE SEA, AND I AM GOING TO PUT A CURSE ON YOU LOWLY MORTALS! BEFORE YOU LEAVE HERE TODAY YOUR BOAT WILL SPRING A DOZEN LEAKS! ... NO, MAKE THAT A DOZEN AND A HALF!"
And with that, he dove back into the waters. As soon as he was gone, the fishermen's boat had sprung so many leaks they were forced to swim to shore.
To this day, they never forgot Neptune's eighteen-hole Gulf curse.
Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.
One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.
One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.
He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"
But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."
Cindy, she's adding insult to injury.
In a thread called "bad jokes', you nay-sayers should know what to expect. Some of us actually like these jokes. :)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FubC4f.jpg&hash=fb6ef50bd642f6c91ea9296f4833aa1a7195b5d0)
What did the buffalo say when he left the herd?
Bison
The Preacher was getting into his stride during the sermon on forgiveness.
"Who here can say he will not forgive his enemies?"
Old man up the back, put his hand up.
"Why Brother, why will you not forgive your enemies?"
"Because I'm 97, and they are all dead!"
So the classic thing happens, the pilot and copilot in a plane are suddenly struck down with, let's say, St Vitus' Dance, and can't fly the plane. One of the passengers finds himself in the cockpit being called upon to land it. The conning tower at the nearest airport hails him "Okay, you're going to be fine, we'll talk you through this - now first of all, give me your height and position." He replies "Six foot two and in the front seat!"
What did the fish say when it ran into a brick wall?
Dam!
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More here:
http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/articles/best-harry-potter-yo-mama-jokes (http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/articles/best-harry-potter-yo-mama-jokes)
As long as we're on the topic of Yo mama jokes.
Weird Al - Ya Momma (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbTAPg2OeLM#)
A policeman stopped a man who was walking along with a monster and ordered him to take it to the zoo at once. The next day the policeman saw the same man with the same monster.
"I thought I told you to take that monster to the zoo," he said.
"I did," said the man, "and now I'm taking him to see a movie."
Two chickens were chatting around the coop. "That big rooster next door made a pass at me!" one exclaimed.
"Really? Did you provoke him?"
"Well, I egged him on a little."
A man bought a bathtub and took it home, but it didn't seem to work. So he took it back to the shop and said, "This bathtub isn't working! The water doesn't stay in it!"
The salesman said, "Didn't the tub come with a plug?"
The man replied, "No one told me it was electric!"
Possibly temporary solution for FtMs as they wait for their facial hair to fill in.
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God promised to fill every corner of the world with beautiful women, then he made the Earth round. Hahahaha.
What's the best part of having Alzheimer's disease? You make new friends every day.
Quote from: dalebert on September 17, 2012, 08:18:36 PM
Possibly temporary solution for FtMs as they wait for their facial hair to fill in.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fx7iRg.jpg&hash=22bb840f0ea3ff892cc8e62b6f626cbe71f7c6b1)
Oh man...I could say something....but...*
holds back typing finger with Grip of Death*
Be nice, Beth. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-9.gif&hash=42bd2ee88d4ddc91007b3b25799f543e9ee358f1)
Don't care for the derogatory term, but the math joke is funny.
Once there were three Indian women. They were all pregnant, and they slept in their husbands' teepees on animal skins that they had killed or traded for.
The first slept on a deer skin.
The second slept on a bear skin.
The third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three had their children on the full moon. The first had a strong baby boy. The second also had a strong baby boy. The third had twins.
This just proves that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Once upon a time, in a far-off land, there was an ice cream truck driver named Bob. Everyone in the neighborhood knew when Bob's truck was driving by because of the giant inflatable clown head that he'd strapped to the roof. The clown head had speakers in it, and as Bob drove by he would talk into a little microphone, saying things like, "Hey, kids, buy ice cream!" And lo and behold, it sounded just like the giant inflatable clown head itself was talking. Bob liked his job because he got to make kids happy and eat a lot of ice cream himself. And so it went, for many years.
Until one day, the government of the far-off land decided to outlaw ice cream.
Yes, all of a sudden, the treats that Bob once sold had become controlled substances. Bob, fearing for his job, quickly converted his ice cream truck into a tuna-fish truck, but he kept the clown head and the speakers for old times' sake.
But instead of turning in his stocks of ice cream to the government, he kept them in the basement of his house, and every day he would take out a popsicle or a sundae cone and eat it in the privacy of his home. It got so Bob would eat more and more ice cream every day, which made him a bit of a jumpier person than he had been before, but nobody seemed to mind.
And so it happened that one day, Bob was rather erratically driving his tuna-fish truck around the neighborhood, having just eaten two pudding pops and an orange creamsicle. He picked up his microphone, as he had done so many times before, but when he switched the microphone on, the sugar buzz kicked in, and all he could say was: "T'nnufidgeiss ver'gyood! Buy'tnaow!"
And that's when Bob realized that he had a problem.
A problem...with truck head diction.
It is not a well known fact, but soccer was very popular in ancient Rome. The Coliseum was used for matches. There was a big match planned for one Saturday, and three famous Romans arranged to meet at the Coliseum to see the match (Rome vs. Naples). When the day came, Caesar and Cassius met in their favorite bar, but there was no sign of their friend Brutus. So shortly before the kick-off, they gave up and went to their reserved seats to watch the game.
At half time, Brutus finally arrived "Sorry I'm late," he said. "The wheel came off the chariot, and I couldn't get it fixed. How's the game going?"
"It's been a fantastic game so far," Caesar replied.
"What's the score, then?"
"Eight-two, Brutus."
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on September 17, 2012, 10:24:23 PM
This just proves that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
A problem...with truck head diction.
"Eight-two, Brutus."
I've learned that I can just skip str8 to the punchline for most of these and don't have to read all the setup. :)
Quote from: dalebert on September 17, 2012, 08:18:36 PM
Possibly temporary solution for FtMs as they wait for their facial hair to fill in.
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This belongs in "Things that give me the creeps."
Oh, come on... Cat beards FTW!
Since Halloween is coming up...
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For those of us who's jokes aren't bad enough, maybe we could get some tips from this article. Warning: Cracked often has wirty dords.
http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-things-people-mistakenly-think-are-automatically-hilarious/ (http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-things-people-mistakenly-think-are-automatically-hilarious/)
In honor of International Talk Like a Pirate Day...
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's helm down the front of his pants.
The bartender asks, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize you have a helm in your pants?"
The pirate replied, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."
How do pirates navigate their ships?
They observe the starrrrrrrs!
What's a Pirate's Favorite booty?
Which ever sailor floats his boat!
What is a pirates favorite soft drink?
Arrr-C Cola!
If you see a person Not wearing a 3 cornered hat, not wearing an eye patch, without a wooden leg and with no parrot on his shoulder. What is he likely to be ?
A pirate in disguise!
A pirate walks into the bar and orders a jug o' grog. Bartender says, "Hey Cap'n, why are ye wearing an eye patch?"
Cap'n says: "Cuz I haven't got enough booty to afford an I-Pad!
Arrr, but ye be ticklin' me funny bones and makin' me feel all giggly on the insides
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on September 13, 2012, 07:06:59 PM
Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.
One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.
One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.
He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"
But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."
...
Rage guy (Fuuuuuu) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMTE8qnJ7h8#)
Quote from: Your Humble Savant on September 20, 2012, 04:22:41 AM
Rage guy (Fuuuuuu)
You realize that was exactly the reaction she was hoping to elicit?
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What did the German watch repairer say to his watch that would only go tick, tick, tick?
"Ve have vays of making you tock!"
A housewife acquired a pet rabbit and taught it to do all kinds of tricks. She noticed, however, that the animal was very self-conscious and wouldn't perform any time it was being observed, which defeated the purpose of teaching it to do tricks in the first place. If she walked into the room when the rabbit was in the middle of a trick, it would immediately stop.
The woman solved the problem by concealing a video camera behind the refrigerator and filming its tricks. She showed the tape to her all friends, except for the neighbor across the street who were on vacation and missed the show.
One afternoon, the lady had to fetch something from the room where the rabbit was kept. She opened the door, and immediately the rabbit cut short a cartwheel and cowered in the corner, refusing to do any more tricks.
Just then, the neighbor across the street, who had returned from vacation, knocked on the door. "I understand you have a pet rabbit that does tricks?" she said.
"You'll have to settle for video tape," the lady replied, "because I've just watched my hare, and I can't do a thing with it."
A medieval kingdom was situated on an island in the sea. A bridge connected the island to the mainland. The problem was, anyone who tried to cross the bridge would be attacked by giant mystical yellow fingers and dragged to the bottom of the sea. The king had sent his bravest knights to overcome the fingers and cross to the other side, but they all failed.
One day, a young page wanted to make an attempt of his own. Neither the king nor his remaining knights believed he could do it, but before they could argue, the page was already half way across the bridge -- and, quite surprisingly, the yellow fingers did not rise out of the water to grab him.
The moral of the story is: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
An Irish guy (I'm allowed to tell this joke because I'm part Irish) finds a lamp on the beech and as he's cleaning it, a puff of smoke emerges and solidifies into a genie who is very grateful for being released and immediately offers his rescuer three wishes. The man wishes for an authentic bottle of Knappogue Castle 1951 whiskey.
"Granted!" says the genie, and a bottle appears in front of the man floating in the air.
The man grabs it, takes a sip, and says "Awe, dat's the real stuph there, it is! You're a stand-up lad!" and then he gulps down the rest of the bottle. Right before his eyes, brown liquid starts bubbling up and the bottle is full again. The guy looks at it, confused, and says "I coulda shhworn I finished that." and he gulps it down again only to see it fill right back up again.
"That's no ordinary bottle of whiskey. That's enchanted. Whenever you finish the bottle it will always and forever fill itself back up again with authentic K51!" says the genie.
"No kidding" the guy says, now wobbling and seeing the genie through blurry eyes. He starts taking a few more swigs as the genies waits patiently. In a moment, he seems to have forgotten the genie was even there.
"Uhm..." says the genie, "excuse me?"
"Yeah?" says the man.
"You realize you still have two more wishes?"
"Oh, dassss righ'!" Says the guy with a gleeful look on his face. He points at the magic bottle.
"I'll take two more o dees!"
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on September 20, 2012, 10:35:21 AM
The moral of the story is: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
You should read Piers Anthony books.
Quote from: dalebert on September 20, 2012, 10:42:06 AM
An Irish guy (I'm allowed to tell this joke because I'm part Irish)
You can tell any joke, regardless of your nationality. It's not your fault if people are too sensitive for a joke.
Here's one.
What's the New York Mets' motto, even before the season starts? "There's always next year."
Quote from: DianaP on September 20, 2012, 03:59:52 PM
You can tell any joke, regardless of your nationality. It's not your fault if people are too sensitive for a joke.
Haha! I know. I'm like, 1/8th Irish! I've got 1/4th of my ancestry that I've yet to nail down yet. I think I might start speculating all sorts of nationalities so I can tell politically incorrect jokes. "Hey, did you know I'm 1/64th Native American? So an Indian walks into a bar..."
Oh, and just for future reference, I'm 1/128th trans. I let my girlfriend paint my toenails one time. <.< >.> <.<
Cross a rooster and a duck and you get a bird that gets up at the quack of dawn.
Why does Beethoven hate chickens? They keep saying "Bach, Bach, Bach"
What do evil chickens lay? Deviled eggs.
I like corny humor. ;D
Quote from: DianaP on September 22, 2012, 01:42:37 PM
Why does Beethoven hate chickens? They keep saying "Bach, Bach, Bach"
Beethoven was deaf, sweetie :).
Quote from: Padma on September 22, 2012, 02:19:51 PM
Beethoven was deaf, sweetie :).
Doesn't change the fact that he could have known that chickens say Bach. Perhaps someone explained to him what chickens sounded like. Geez, don't try to kill the jokes.
A lady went into a butcher shop complaining about some hot dogs she had just bought. "The middle is meat," she exclaimed, "but the ends are sawdust!"
"Well," said the butcher. "These days it's hard to make ends meat."
What were Cleopatra's dying words?
Asp not what your country can do for you; asp what you can do for your country
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb in a tree and act like a nut
What do cowards and origami paper have in common? They both fold easily under pressure.
Quote from: Alexis on September 22, 2012, 06:17:55 PM
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb in a tree and act like a nut
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb up a tree and act like a fruit.
****** WARNING ******
There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems, One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."
So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.
The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."
So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.
Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.
They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."
So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.
Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"
"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."
A guy asked a girl in a library; "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
The girl answered with a loud voice; "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!".
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the
girl walked quietly to the guy's table and she told him "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?"
The guy responded with a
loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!!!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!"
...and all the people in the
library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears; "I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"
Quote from: DianaP on September 22, 2012, 02:46:02 PM
Doesn't change the fact that he could have known that chickens say Bach. Perhaps someone explained to him what chickens sounded like. Geez, don't try to kill the jokes.
That's MY job!!
He wasn't born deaf. He lost his hearing later.
Quote from: DianaP on September 22, 2012, 02:46:02 PM
Doesn't change the fact that he could have known that chickens say Bach. Perhaps someone explained to him what chickens sounded like. Geez, don't try to kill the jokes.
I wasn't killing it, I was tickling it. Besides, maybe someone taught Beethoven to beakread.
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Posted elsewhere but it belongs here too! Got a snicker from me.
Quote from: Kelli on September 23, 2012, 05:16:55 PM
On October 10th I'm going up to Boston to see Dr Robert Oates to consult for my orchiectomy!
... after the procedure I'll be a little bit less nuts! >:-) ;D
Quote from: dalebert on September 22, 2012, 07:56:31 PM
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb up a tree and act like a fruit.
my sentiment:
Kim Kardashian Has A New Song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxJ5vHUKOJU#)
Quote from: dalebert on September 24, 2012, 09:49:22 AM
He wasn't born deaf. He lost his hearing later.
I just spent the last 2 days trying to figure out the punchline to this "bad joke."
I have since realized you were talking about Beethoven and
his hearing loss.
*
slaps forehead*
D'Oh! :-\
I apologize in advance, but the subject is "bad" jokes.
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These are all from Jay Leno's comedy book for kids.
http://www.cracked.com/blog/3-guides-that-do-exact-opposite-what-they-claim/ (http://www.cracked.com/blog/3-guides-that-do-exact-opposite-what-they-claim/)
Sign at an undertakers - Ask Us About Our Layaway Plan
There's this guy walking around in a beautiful blue suit. Another man tells him, "That's a nice blue suit that you're wearing." He responds to the person, "What blue suit, I'm just cold".
I saw a crash between a red lorry and a yellow lorry. The police asked me who was responsible? I said it's difficult to say.
Quote from: Cindy James on September 28, 2012, 01:00:03 AM
I saw a crash between a red lorry and a yellow lorry. The police asked me who was responsible? I said it's difficult to say.
It's easy: Peter Lorry!
What does a sphincter say?
Well, that's got a nice ring to it...
It's okay for me to tell this joke, because I have a stutter.
Jimmy Joe Bob and his brother Doodah was out a-fishin one day, when a big ol' catfish dragged Doodah under, drowning him dead.
Jimmy Joe Bob ran home and shouted, "MMmmammmma, m-mama-aa!"
"Settle down son," his mama said. "Tell what's wrong."
"Doodoodoodoodoo's inininininin thethethe--"
"Slow down boy. Try again.
But it was no use. Jimmy Joe Bob was so worked up, he just couldn't speak clearly.
"Sing it, boy," his mama suggested. "You know you don't stutter when y'all sing."
Taking a deep breath, Jimmy Joe Bob sang, "Guess who drowned in the lake today, Doodah, Doodah..."
Ok, bad joke time.
I went to a suit maker looking for a brown suit. There are many shades of brown from Mahogany to chocolate to various others in between. So, I go up to the suitmaker and asked for a brown suit. He said, "What shade of brown would you like?" I then said that Coffee would be a good choice for a suit color. He then tells me with the straightest face of all, "Cream or no Cream"
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Lawyer
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Over paid troglodyte and master of B.S.
I'm female. Fe= Iron, male = man. Therefore, I am Iron Man.
Quote from: DianaP on September 29, 2012, 08:09:12 AM
I'm female. Fe= Iron, male = man. Therefore, I am Iron Man.
You inspired me to make this graphic.
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Tree-houses are so inconsiderate. That's like killing someone's friend and making them hold it. :laugh:
# of pets:
1 = Normal
4 = Desperate
32 = Crazy
# of teeth:
32 = Normal
4 = Desperate
1 = Crazy
It is a little-known fact that before becoming president of South Korea, Syngman Rhee was for many years foreign corresponcent for Life magazine, dividing his time between their New York and Seoul offices. One day, he left New York for a routine trip to Seoul, but, when he wasn't heard from, the New York office became worried and called the Seoul office. The Seoul office confirmed that he had arrived as scheduled but had left almost immediately for North Korea. They quoted him as saying that he was not at liberty to say where he could be reached but that he would be doing a story on how the other half lived, promising to cable it to Seoul and New York on completion.
The New York office was worried and decided to send a bilingual correspondent to North Korea to try to locate him. He arrived in Seoul, at which time he was told that they had had an update: Syngman Rhee had called in a half hour earlier to say that his story would concern interviews with a taxi driver, a tailor, and a restaurant manager, all in Pyongyang. But he still declined to supply a contact address.
So the reporter decided to go to Pyongyang to track him down. At the Pyongyang airport he took a taxi into town, and luck was with him: while his taxi driver had not been the one interviewed, he knew the driver who had, and he gave the reporter his name. When reporter talked to the driver, the driver said that Rhee had planned to interview a tailor in a district known for its many tailors.
Again luck was with him: out of 3,518 tailors, he only had to talk to 17 before finding the one who had been interviewed by Rhee: he quoted him as saying he intended to talk to a restaurant manager located in a suburb of Pyongyang. Acting on a hunch that the suburb would be the last one on the commuter train line, he took the train for the northern suburbs and got off at the last stop. He interviewed a restaurant manager there without success, so he returned to Pyongyang Central Station and took a train to the northeast, getting off at the last stop. In this way he worked his way around, taking trains to the east, then southeast, and again luck was with him. He did not have to get half way around the circuit before arriving at the last town on a line running southeast of Pyongyang, where he talked to the manager of one of the town's only two restaurants. The manager confirmed that Syngman Rhee had gone to the other one for his interview.
Arriving there, the correspondent talked to the manager, who said that Rhee had just interviewed him and was now in the kitchen talking to the staff. The reporter went into the kitchen, and there was Syngman Rhee, looking as if he hadn't aged a day in three months, sipping a cup of tea with the staff with his notebook on his knee. The correspondent said, "Ah, sweet Mr. Rhee of Life, at last I've found you!"
It is a little-known fact that before becoming a singer, Bing Crosby ran a boarding school for boys in San Antonio, Texas. One of the boys who lived in the dorm was in the habit of taking off on Friday afternoons, going to Mexico, and getting drunk. But he kept his studies up during the week, and because his parents were wealthy and important trustees, the school took no action against him. However, one Friday afternoon he got together with a day student, and they both disappeared. The parents of the day student were concerned when their son didn't come home, so they called Bing Crosby to ask after him. Bing Crosby said, "Don't worry. Your son is soused with the boarder, down Mexico way."
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Robert was drinking at a bar all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So he crawled all the way home, up into his bedroom, and finally pulled himself into bed. The next morning, his wife woke him up, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking as usual!"
"Why would you say that?" he asked innocently.
"Because the bar called—you left your wheelchair there again!"
"Excuse me, this coffee tastes like mud."
Waiter- "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
Two snowmen are standing next to each other in a yard.
One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too."
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
Because he was too chicken.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on October 02, 2012, 08:26:24 AM
Two snowmen are standing next to each other in a yard.
One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too."
You reminded me of one! You may only get this if you live in the North.
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Quote from: dalebert on October 02, 2012, 09:21:32 AM
You reminded me of one! You may only get this if you live in the North.
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Oh Yuck. Dalebert, you're such a guy.
Say this one out loud.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
I have no idear.
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If multiple horses form a circle, are they considered to be equine-distant from the center?
A long suffering wife told her husband one day that she was leaving him due to his obsession with Star Wars.
His response was (wait for it. . . . ) May divorce be with you
It's the way I tell 'em. . . . . .badly
What's green and slimey and smells like bacon?
Kermit the Frog's finger.
If pro is the opposite of con, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress? Oh snap! :P
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Little Johnny was in the back yard,digging a hole.His next door neghbour heard something was happening and popped his head over to see."whats that hole your digging there Johnny?"he asked.
"My goldfish died"replied Johnny
"But why are you digging such a big hole?"
"Because YOUR CAT ATE IT!"
Psychiatrist: What makes you think you have an inferiority complex?
Patient: Who am I to tell you that?
I heard Mitt Romney is in trouble with his Mormon church.
Apparent they found out he smoked Obama during the debate. ::)
A man awoke one morning to a strange sound, when he looked out the window he noticed a native dancing in his neighbor's yard and chanting... Hi!!! Yayaya! Hi!!! Yayaya!
Curious, he slowly crept over to get closer look... Closer and closer he crept while the native continued to chant...
Hi!!! Yayaya! Hi!!! Yayaya!
Soon he was just about within arms reach when the native suddenly turn turned and said...
How ya doin'?
Quote from: Jamie D on October 06, 2012, 03:19:11 AM
I heard Mitt Romney is in trouble with his Mormon church.
Apparent they found out he smoked Obama during the debate. ::)
The real joke are those two candidates. I did some sleuthing and fact-checked the crap out of those two.... They both lied, but it turns out that Obama is the lesser of two evils, so oh well...
Quote from: Jamie D on October 06, 2012, 03:19:11 AM
I heard Mitt Romney is in trouble with his Mormon church.
Apparent they found out he smoked Obama during the debate. ::)
I wonder if Romnut was wearing his magic undies during the debate.
What do you call it when a plant develops pictures? Photosynthesis! :laugh: :laugh:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FnuEoO.jpg&hash=9f8477382110acab3366347eb138840fd53b37f8)
Quote from: GeorgeTakeiFor the neigh sayers.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FEuh7Y.jpg&hash=f23282f572e577edcc97c44ca99f94173a35852a)
How do you eat an elephant?
One bite at a time.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on October 07, 2012, 11:15:02 PM
How do you eat an elephant?
Now see... my mind went somewhere dirty with that. I'll have to save that for a more appropriate forum. *ahem*
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What's the best part about having Alzheimer's? You make new friends every day!
Where do the NY Mets play? City Field? Please, more like s***** field!
What's the motto of the NY Mets, even before the season starts? "There's always next year."
Quote from: DianaP on October 08, 2012, 10:52:59 AM
What's the best part about having Alzheimer's? You make new friends every day!
Where do the NY Mets play? City Field? Please, more like s***** field!
What's the motto of the NY Mets, even before the season starts? "There's always next year."
As a mets fan, I'm entirely too familiar with these.
What does METS stand for?
My Entire Team Sucks.
The Yankees only win so much because they are mostly made of players taken from the Caribbean. :P
I'm not even a baseball fan, so I don't really care. :laugh:
Quote from: DianaP on October 08, 2012, 11:03:36 AM
The Yankees only win so much because they are mostly made of players taken from the Caribbean. :P
I'm not even a baseball fan, so I don't really care. :laugh:
EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It irritates me when Queens boro people are all "yankee fans" only cause they win more. pfft.
I don't know how well this joke will work for people outside the UK due to brand names being different in other countries but here goes
BREAKING NEWS..........
There's been a fight in the biscuit tin, a lad called Rocky hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribbon and make his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight in Maryland with a Ginger Nut known to police as Rich T. They didn't leave a crumb of evidence so the Jammy Dodger got away with it!!!!
You've been on the bourbon again, I see :).
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.
What's a cat's favorite color? Purrrrple.
Where do sick boats go? The dock.
Why do poor dogs chase their tales? To make ends meet.
What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie. "Well, doggone!"
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? It stole the show.
Small cannibal: I hate my teacher
Mother cannibal: If you don't finish whats on your plate you cant have any pudding
Q: Why aren't cannibals popular at weddings?
A: They take toasting the bride & groom too literaly
Q: Why did the cannibal become a policeman?
A: He heard he would get to grill suspects
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who ate his mother in law?
A: She still didn't agree with him
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his mother in the woods?
Look out everyone because i've just found my joke book >:-)
Q: did you hear about the butcher who backed into the bacon slicer?
A: He got a little behind in his orders
Last week I replaced every window in my house, I then discoveredI had a crack inmy glasses
A man goes into hospital for an operation & asks the doctor "will I be able to play the piano after the op?"
The doctor says "certainly you will"
"That's good" says the man "I couldn't before & haven't the time to learn"
Q:Did you hear about the new divorced Barbie doll?
A: She comes with all of Kens stuff
Q: What do a fire, a hurricane & a divorce have in common?
A: They're all ways to lose your house
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't get time
Scientists have invented a Viagra eyedrop, it does nothing for your sex life but makes you look really hard
An employee walks into work late one day, his boss shouts "you should have been here at 9" the man replies "why what happened?"
The man at the garage told me he couldn't fix my brakes so I asked him to make the horn louder
I was getting into my car when a man asked me if I could give him a lift "sure thing" I replied "you look great, the worlds you oyster & there's nothing you can't accomplish, go for it"
I'm such a good samaritan
Last lot for tonight, this bunch have a common theme, men
Men are like blenders, you need one but you're never sure why
Men are like bank accounts, without alot of money they don't generate much interest
Men are like mascara, they run at the first sign of emotion
Men are like miniskirts, if you're not carefull they'll creep up your legs
Men are like public toilet cubicles, the good ones are taken & the only ones left are full of crap
Men are like tights, they either cling or run
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FYdSRS.jpg&hash=0b3c69a6461b6d424eda3230cd5854f4b5722b67)
Quote from: Jayne on October 09, 2012, 07:42:04 PM
Q: What do a fire, a hurricane & a divorce have in common?
A: They're all ways to lose your house
Q: What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: Either way, somebody's losing a trailer!
There are two types of people in the world: Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data
There are 10 types of people in the world: those that understand binary, and those that don't.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FJuMly.jpg&hash=873aac6fe58308819bf8e6ba36b6e345f2d10c3e)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FFq3IK.gif&hash=95931a5bb54b24d6334bcc25ae5b67df7a6db18a)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FNwOuR.jpg&hash=2d4e4793e60375f238b29d574e470b9002cb676b)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FRyK6Y.jpg&hash=98709848a1835b1b86b5a9c76e37be5bb7de160b)
A rabbit is hopping through the woods and suddenly comes upon a bear who's taking a dump. The rabbit freezes in fear.
The bear asks the rabbit "Do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"
"Uh, I guess not." answers the rabbit.
"Good." says the bear, and he picks up the rabbit and wipes with him.
Quote from: dalebert on October 12, 2012, 01:40:29 AM
A rabbit is hopping through the woods and suddenly comes upon a bear who's taking a dump. The rabbit freezes in fear.
The bear asks the rabbit "Do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"
"Uh, I guess not." answers the rabbit.
"Good." says the bear, and he picks up the rabbit and wipes with him.
OMG :o :laugh: :D
From George Takei. "Talk about a brush off."
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fj9YLp.jpg&hash=d8c34f57c03e8aca2c17edca587cd774915dc3b8)
Lots of ghost puns for Halloween. I apologize in advance for these REALLY bad jokes.
http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/photos/punday-ghosts (http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/photos/punday-ghosts)
Here's a sample.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FezxVi.jpg&hash=17dde58ffb9642b64a6560ce7710fc8297b6725e)
This one's from the latest South Park.
The milk man is delivering to a house when a young blonde woman answers the door. She asks the milk man to follow her to the bathroom. When they get there, she strips naked and gets in the tub and asks him to fill the tub with milk.
"You want that milk pasteurized?" he asks.
"No," she answers. "Just past my boobs. I can splash it in my eyes."
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FWkRfz.png&hash=971d707763a85210fa0a5dc34bb7bdd10615f8ae) (http://www.explosm.net/comics/2944/)
"Hare razing" -George Takei
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FWCNil.jpg&hash=37021077dac76cad839f22e9eed468b39346ed30)
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Damn."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
A man sat down in a restaurant and ordered a bowl of chili, but the waitress said, "I'm sorry, the man next to you got the last bowl." The guy looked over and saw that the other customer hadn't finished most of his chili.
"Can I have that?" asked the first man.
"Sure," the other customer said. The man eagerly ate the chili, but halfway through the bowl, he discovered a dead mouse.
"Ack!" he shrieked. "I just found a dead mouse in here!"
"I know," said the other customer. "That's as far as I got, too."
Using the new Apple map app, a man walks into a bar,
or a store,
or Route 5
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on October 18, 2012, 05:18:29 PM
Using the new Apple map app, a man walks into a bar,
or a store,
or Route 5
Every time I see you've posted on this thread I cringe, then I stupidly click on & read what you've put.
If you ever need a reference to work as a Christmas cracker joke writer i'll provide one
Hey, leave O'Brien alone. Her jokes are awesome. :laugh:
A really old one.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."
And of course another long one. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
The Five Toughest Questions That Women Ask Men And The Answers You Need...
The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrect (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
1. What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are and how lucky I am to have met you."
Inappropriate answers:
a. Baseball
b. Football
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
2. Do you love me?
The proper response is "YES!", or if you feel a more detailed answer is in order "Yes, dear".
Inappropriate responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love. (Clinton's response)
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
3. Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic "Of course not!"
Incorrect:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're thighs sure do make a lot of noise.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
4. Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Could you repeat the question, I was thinking of the insurance money again.
5. What would you do if I died?
A definite no win question here. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a new Porsche.")
No matter how you answer this question, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up question, usually along these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not ... don't you like being married?
Man: Of course, I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you re-marry?
Man: OK, I'd get married again.
Woman: YOU WOULD (hurtful look on face)??
Man: Yes, I would.
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with hers?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them, she is left handed.
O'Brien, what part of "BAD jokes" do you not understand? :laugh:
Where do truckers sleep? On the flatbed!
Bad chat up lines & cutting comebacks
Man: haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore
Man: Hey baby what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter!
Man: Hey baby we're both at this bar for the same reason
Woman: You're right, lets go pull some chicks
Man: I want to give myself to you
Woman: Sorry I don't accept cheap gifts
Man: I'd go through anything for you
Woman: Good, lets start with your bank account
or
Woman: Good, lets start with that plate glass window
Man: If I saw you naked i'd die happy
Woman: If I saw you naked i'd die laughing
Man: So, your place or mine?
Woman: Both, you go to yours & i'll go to mine
Man: You're one in a million
Woman: Just like your chances
Man: You're trying to imagine me naked aren't you?
Woman: No, i'm trying to imagine you with a personality
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised
Man: I know how to please a woman
Woman: Good, I guess that means you'll leave me alone
Man: I'd like to get into your pants
Woman: No thanks, there's already one ****hole in there
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and so will mine be if you sit down
Quote from: Jayne on October 18, 2012, 06:47:34 PM
Every time I see you've posted on this thread I cringe, then I stupidly click on & read what you've put.
If you ever need a reference to work as a Christmas cracker joke writer i'll provide one
I actually liked that one! Anyway, this is "Bad" jokes after all.
Somehow Ms. OBriens jokes manage to be funny, cringeworthy and downright awfull all at the same time, I don't know how she manages it & i'm not sure if it's a talent we should nurture or discourage :icon_confused2:
Good writers and a warped sense of humor helps.
Oh and how about a comic strip?
(https://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/10/17/O751cZs2JEKAEzRePCleMw2.png)
A reporter asks a rich old man how he made his fortune, the old man replies "Well son, it was in the great depression, round about 1932. I was down to my last nickel & I bought an apple. I spent the entire day polishing that apple & at the end of the day I sold the apple for 10 cents. The next morning I bought 2 apples & spent all day polishing them & sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I had made the grand fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died & left us 2 million dollars.."
when I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way - so I stole a bike & asked him to forgive me
Don't blame me for this one, blame the joke book
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was tied to the first monkey
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure
Why did the hippo fall out of the tree? It was doing a monkey impression
Can't Eat:
Can't eat beef................mad cow
Can't eat chicken.............bird flu
Can't eat eggs................cholesterol
Can't eat pork.................bacteria
Can't eat fish..................mercury
Can't eat fruit ................insecticides
Can't eat vegetables.........herbicides
Now, the way I see it; that only leaves
CHOCOLATE
Subject: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
a.. Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
b.. Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
c.. Presbyterian: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
d.. Catholic: None. Candles only.
e.. Baptist: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and to decide who brings the fried chicken and potato salad.
f.. Episcopalian: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
g.. Mormon: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.
h.. Methodist: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely burned out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring the bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
i.. Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
j.. Lutheran: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
k.. Church of Christ: They do not use light bulbs because there is no evidence of their use in the New Testament.
l.. Unitarian: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your bulb for next Sunday's service, during which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
m.. Amish: What's a light bulb?
As our crowded airliner approached take off, the peace was shattered by a five-year-old boy who picked that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother did to calm him down, the boy continued to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a Marine uniform slowly walked up the aisle. With an upraised hand, he stopped the flustered mother. The courtly, soft-spoken Marine leaned down and motioned toward his chest, whispered something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calmed down, took his mother's hand, and quietly fastened his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Marine slowly made his way back to his seat, a flight attendant touched his sleeve and whispered, "Excuse me, sir, but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The Marine smiled serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that these entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FkXPCn.jpg&hash=818407b1bf867042c8ef06e718218fece8446a79)
Quote from: Jayne on October 18, 2012, 10:21:05 PM
Somehow Ms. OBriens jokes manage to be funny, cringeworthy and downright awfull all at the same time, I don't know how she manages it & i'm not sure if it's a talent we should nurture or discourage :icon_confused2:
Well, you got two out of three right! ::)
Well funny is subjective, so there. :P
Why does a milking stool have 3 legs? The cow has the udder! :laugh:
Yeah, that was for you Jaime. >:-)
Quote from: DianaP on October 19, 2012, 10:59:01 PM
Why does a milking stool have 3 legs? The cow has the udder! :laugh:
That reminds me. How do you get four gay guys onto one bar stool?
Turn it upside down.
Oh, that was just... terrible. :-\
Math jokes:
1. Mathematics is the only thing in which the irrational, imaginary, and odd all matter. :laugh:
2. What did the mathematician yell on the golf course? Square root of 16!!!
Quote from: dalebert on October 20, 2012, 12:47:10 PM
That reminds me. How do you get four gay guys onto one bar stool?
Turn it upside down.
Quote from: DianaP on October 20, 2012, 12:52:33 PM
Oh, that was just... terrible. :-\
You're telling me. It was even worse in person! Do you know how hard it is to get back off?
"Okay, on 3, everyone lean to the right. One... two... three... No, no! My right; not your right!"
Hmm... Is it better to be smart about chemistry or to be smart about spelling?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FpGn92.jpg&hash=b53e7dfdefe049da0bbe08ce714fef06509911da)
Quote from: dalebert on October 21, 2012, 09:50:23 PM
Hmm... Is it better to be smart about chemistry or to be smart about spelling?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FpGn92.jpg&hash=b53e7dfdefe049da0bbe08ce714fef06509911da)
If you're bad at chemistry, you can blow yourself up...if your bad at speling, noone can tell...OLL :)
What does a vegan zombie say?
Grains! Grains!
Where does a cat go hiking?
In the meowtains! :icon_weee: -badum tss-
A man stopped at the toy store on his way home to buy a present for his young daughter's birthday. He asked the saleswoman if they had any Barbie dolls. "Sure," she replied, "we have Gym Barbie for $19.99, Ballgown Barbie for $19.99, Shopping Barbie for $19.99, Nightclub Barbie for $19.99, and Divorced Barbie for $250."
The man was curious. "Why does Divorced Barbie cost $250 when all the others cost $19.99?"
"Because," replied the saleswoman, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture."
In heaven, men are lining up outside the pearly gates. God tells them to line up on two sides, one for those who let their women dominate them and one for those who dominated their women. The women-dominated-men line was 2 miles long, with the other having one guy on it.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, letting your wives boss you around like that. Take a lesson from this man. (Looks to the 1 man on the other line) Sir, why did you stand in this line?"
He says, "I don't know; my wife told me to." :laugh:
There's a blonde, red-head and a girl with green hair. A little girl asks the blonde and red-head why their hair is its particular color. They both say, "It's natural." She asked the green-haired girl why her hair is green. She wipes her nose with her bare hand, pulls her hair back and says, "It's natural."
After a pipe bursts a lawyer is appalled at the plumbers bill. "I am a top silk and I don't charge these rates."
Plumbers answer, "I know, I didn't either."
What do you call 1000 politicians buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
One dolphin accidentally bumps into another. The exchange went like this:
"Oh sorry, I didn't see you there."
"It's ok, I'm sure you didn't do it on porpoise."
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
Tim hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to the doctor. When the doctor comes in with his test results, he says, "I'm afraid you're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" Tim says. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" says Tim.
The doctor interrupts, "Nine ..."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
where are there not any casinos in africa?
there are too many cheetahs.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
And one for the glorious election time:
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before
Who's there?
Demons.
Demons who?
Demons are a ghoul's best friend!
(I loath Knock Knock jokes BTW, but this was so silly)
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why,"they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
(True story...)
I went into an "adventure" store once in London, and while I was nosing around all the cool boytoys in there, I saw on the counter a display for Camouflage Condoms. I asked the guy behind the counter "What on earth is the point of these?" - he grinned and was just about to answer when I twigged it, so we both said in unison "So no-one can see you coming!" ;D
A man runs into his doctor's office shouting, "Doctor help me! I'm a wigwam! No, I'm a teepee! No, I'm a wigwam! No, I'm a teepepp!"
The doctor says, "Just calm down sir. You're just two tents."
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FOp7ad.jpg&hash=76fd80ca36eeb01113cfce360e8274d75a6230b9)
Man: Doctor Doctor! I think I'm turning into curtains.
Doctor: Pull yourself together man
Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog
What is green, has 8 legs and will kill you if it falls from a tree??
A snooker table.
Q. When is a car not a car?
A. When it turns into a driveway
We had a really tough afternoon. Sad and very hard.
Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog
Janet I told people this and it was magic.
It was one of those days when people needed to find a way to smile again.
Thanks Sis
Ah, doctor jokes.
A guy is in the emergency room after a car accident and the doctor has just set a broken bone and put his arm in a cast.
"Doctor, will I be able to play the piano?"
"Of course."
"That's excellent news! I never could before."
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down." (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-9.gif&hash=42bd2ee88d4ddc91007b3b25799f543e9ee358f1)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F5AxVb.jpg&hash=30762907820da7ead12504ee90d61e175e085cc1)
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Several, one to run about distractingly all around your feet and the rest to watch in curiosity as to what their servant is doing now
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FklFX4.jpg&hash=d051c950e735f2f1f6f607bab8210bc2f5c19798)
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
A barber.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FxLxNj.jpg&hash=acd618d2ad2b68b7f249db0354c2e78e969f187a)
Talk about a crappy vacation...
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-20258175 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-20258175)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Foxz0g.jpg&hash=3c2f16aa947c27cfc1c41a2cd6d61ffdb162a326)
Q:What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A:Look grandpa, no hands!...
Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A. Sue
Q. Why does a seagull fly over the sea?
A. Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a bagel!
"This one's a bit off color" -George Takei
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FjHdXw.jpg&hash=9c89e9637e9b5b8929182d50687b79d650484fcc)
Buy a turtle.
Name it "The Speed of Light"
Gather your friends
Say, "Look, I can run faster than The Speed of Light!"
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F33nVb.jpg&hash=51efbb7f5642594779c818999ca11d8260fb5495)
A Republican went to live in a new city. The residents explained to him that they were highly conservative; the only catch was that the death penalty wasn't allowed. The Republican said, "I could live with that." :laugh:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FCGGoF.jpg&hash=3c31aa0cb66b1f9ffcd19dfec4a5e53ac9ad0584)
A fire chief needed change for a $5 bill. He asked the new guy if he had it. The new guy said, "Sure, no problem."
The fire chief told him, "That's no way to address a superior officer! Now let's try that again. Do you have change for a $5 bill?"
The new guy says, "In that case, no, sir!"
A peeping tomcat
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fq5CUB.jpg&hash=70fa1ed0f6d47808b69355c5b03aafec36e7be95)
A fireman climbed the side of a burning building and saw a young lady inside.
He said, "Wow, you must be the 3rd pregnant lady I've rescued this month."
She said, "But I'm not pregnant."
He said, "You haven't been rescued yet."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FpZA9T.jpg&hash=ca50989377992e35a1a2756dfacc69330d57e0ad)
I can make that joke because I'm 1/8 Irish.
It doesn't matter what nationality you are. You can make a joke about anyone. It isn't to be taken seriously. That's why it's a joke. If you can't say a joke in front of the people that joke is about, you shouldn't be saying it at all.
Last night, I dreamt about mufflers. When I woke up, I was exhausted! :D
Quote from: DianaP on November 18, 2012, 09:12:52 PM
It doesn't matter what nationality you are. You can make a joke about anyone. It isn't to be taken seriously. That's why it's a joke. If you can't say a joke in front of the people that joke is about, you shouldn't be saying it at all.
I know. That was a joke as well. One of my favorites since I conveniently have a dash of 4 different nationalities. I'm a mutt. :)
Heard these earlier.
Whyed the Tauren chase the Draenei?
Cause he was horny and wanted some tail.
A dwarf walks out of a bar...
All I have and they weren't even mine :D
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FpZhi2.jpg&hash=1fc3284cc3fb95bb41ce8b57ac0584472a52c569)
I hope everyone (who celebrates it) had a happy Thanksgiving!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FOTqzg.jpg&hash=82d37a51623ac14bf234fe2df5df611e09d06d94)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F8FB6Q.png&hash=47136b21aa58c4c01faaa470ce6c1cef5b523750)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTeMtx.jpg&hash=31d5ba80f0ee8fbac29503b577876be3d7d2ea05)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FBkwrX.jpg&hash=8fee6552e74b57817a7a5361263b0f3d28f883c6)
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/486920_221096144689879_23268414_n.jpg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FX6rGh.jpg&hash=8cab2b8153dd0ae38b2c0432fc5841353574aa36)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9o51I.jpg&hash=ee8b16cfbce7f3fb8a7b9ba8c65ef480667ee19d)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FWgY3q.jpg&hash=609d89df6bdd6fa3b435285e490c77687b4443e3)
A bunch of ostriches was startled by some strange noises that were coming from a nearby woods. "Quick, hide!" shouted one of them. So they all instinctively buried their heads in the sand.
After a few seconds, another ostrich came stumbling out of the woods, looked around, and said, "Hey, where is everybody?"
Give it a moment...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fc55BD.jpg&hash=ae2b847f1621525bc5061b1f0519ffec05ea08b7)
2 rhinos were in math class, and one whispered to the other, "I don't get this; can you give me some pointers?" :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
During WW2 the British develop a deadly joke that could kill at 50 yards,
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
The Germans attempt a counter-joke
My dog's has no nose.
How does it smell?
Awful.
Quote from: Jenny07 on December 04, 2012, 02:47:20 AM
During WW2 the British develop a deadly joke that could kill at 50 yards,
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
The Germans attempt a counter-joke
My dog's has no nose.
How does it smell?
Awful.
Extra brownie points for a Monty Python reference! They are the experts at making bad jokes funny.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FK4qdN.jpg&hash=2ef5e3cdcc9328f794a46941d7ef09e94a1bc0af)
I know, it's just awful! Don't hate me!
What is on a dog's house? A roof.
What do you call it when someone floods your e-mail with Shakespeare? Spamlet! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
What do you find on a dogwood tree? Bark.
No one in my class wants to buy the senior t-shirt, so my English teacher told us that we needed to find our school spirit, after which the following exchange occurred.
Me- "I'll call Scooby."
(Class laughs)
Teacher- "My 5-year-old niece makes better jokes."
(Class goes "oooooh")
Me- "Excuse me for providing a witty, snappy retort in an English class."
Teacher- "That wasn't exactly a witty, snappy retort."
Me- "Um, I'm pretty sure that describing something as a 'witty, snappy retort' automatically qualifies it as a witty, snappy retort."
(Class laughs)
For the STP folks.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FLfFO6.jpg&hash=c65a2de9fc088c3e3f018ef492e556bf9221bcd4)
Quote from: dalebert on December 06, 2012, 10:53:23 AM
For the STP folks.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FLfFO6.jpg&hash=c65a2de9fc088c3e3f018ef492e556bf9221bcd4)
For men EVERYWHERE.
;-)
(The irony is that if you're reading the sign, you're not aiming...)
Quote from: Beth Andrea on December 06, 2012, 11:02:58 AM
(The irony is that if you're reading the sign, you're not aiming...)
LOLed!
How much does a hipster weigh?
An Instagram.
Prolly doesn't qualify as a joke technically, since this was a 4 rlz ad.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FEbzTP.jpg&hash=53a5ee573fb770414568757289166ea0b4dbf4af)
Time to get out. Alpaca suitcase. -George Takei
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FlMjzW.jpg&hash=6c7e4646cbb5d7a5df3e596296c891661fce4953)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FhdmTC.jpg&hash=bc2bf5a8c7b8e1fc66ae19b8b20a7ccbd920e59c)
A frog won a talent show and got the blue ribbit. :laugh:
Not a good way to get ahead in the biz... -George Takei
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FjPU93.jpg&hash=8f3255a3464d8c8ff20b00dd7bb380c22ee6236f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FuDuvz.jpg&hash=2f69275a4d52b82137cc305888fbb9fcd9d28665)
So, by bad I usually think slight racist humor...I'm not racist, but sometimes it's funny.
So an Asian kid fails his math class...
So a black guy is on his way to his office...
So a redneck is on his way to the dentist...
Like I said, "bad" jokes =P
Did you hear they've bred a fish with Swiss cheese?
HOLY MACKEREL!!!
:P
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FXrgx9.jpg&hash=f9a202d47619134bfdf7304f1cc8973bcbb1b53c)
Did you hear about the train enthusiast who was run over by his favourite train?
He was chuffed to bits.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases?
They're making headlines!
THE BEST INTERNET POST EVER!
....
.....
.....
I just wrote the best internet post ever!!!
>:-)
I am blessed with a super-affecionate, super-sweet kitty and she had just exposed her tummy to me for a tummy rub so this made me laugh and was just really delightful.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F0VYdt.jpg&hash=8bd7723c06d475abdd9b5f7de679d84a5e63b09e)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FM5DYf.jpg&hash=d1a1adcfcdfdf2f17b688d240944e92c0612caea)
Quote from: dalebert on December 09, 2012, 12:59:29 PM
I am blessed with a super-affecionate, super-sweet kitty and she had just exposed her tummy to me for a tummy rub so this made me laugh and was just really delightful.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F0VYdt.jpg&hash=8bd7723c06d475abdd9b5f7de679d84a5e63b09e)
Aww, that's cute!
Quote from: dalebert on December 09, 2012, 03:26:06 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FM5DYf.jpg&hash=d1a1adcfcdfdf2f17b688d240944e92c0612caea)
Those two have a 9 month long sense of humor... :)
My dad told me a good one. If you're easily offended, don't read.
My dad and I bought bread at a Columbian bakery. I said that it was so delicious that I would be buying it for the rest of my life. He said, "Maybe that's because they put cocaine in it." :o
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fw9eOs.jpg&hash=fec8f328526e9ac663398d5ebf06bbd2f920d6bc)
Quote from: DianaP on December 09, 2012, 09:24:40 PM
My dad and I bought bread at a Columbian bakery. I said that it was so delicious that I would be buying it for the rest of my life. He said, "Maybe that's because they put cocaine in it." :o
That explains the coffee.
Two blondes were in a car on their way to Disneyland. They saw a sign that said, "Disneyland: Left," and they turned around and went home.
Three guys were talking about their love lives. One guy said, "I rubbed my wife with coconut oil and made her scream for an hour."
The second guy said, "I rubbed my wife with perfume and made her scream for two hours."
The third said, "I rubbed my wife with lard and made her scream for 6 hours."
The other two men asked, "How is that possible?!"
The third guy said, "I rubbed my hands off on the curtains." :laugh: :laugh:
Not exactly a joke so much as a witty observation:
I never understood why people say that they slept like a baby when they want to say that they slept well. Last I checked, sleeping like a baby means that you wake up at 3 AM, screaming with urine and feces in your pants. ???
Quote from: DianaP on December 10, 2012, 03:46:51 PM
Not exactly a joke so much as a witty observation:
I never understood why people say that they slept like a baby when they want to say that they slept well. Last I checked, sleeping like a baby means that you wake up at 3 AM, screaming with urine and feces in your pants. ???
I've parented two children, and I can assure you that's true -- not a joke.
Quote from: Constance on December 10, 2012, 03:54:42 PM
I've parented two children, and I can assure you that's true -- not a joke.
That's why I called it a witty observation. :P
Quote from: DianaP on December 10, 2012, 03:58:28 PM
That's why I called it a witty observation. :P
Witty, sh_tty, whatever.
How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FtwAY4.jpg&hash=59cee6352f80d3109569ea79e0f7c7075a214c08)
Quote from: dalebert on December 11, 2012, 08:26:54 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FtwAY4.jpg&hash=59cee6352f80d3109569ea79e0f7c7075a214c08)
To the accusation of being an 'Murican, I plead guilty as heck...now gimme one o'them thar bacon burger donuts!
:-)
You Uropeans can have yer tofu and vino...;-)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FS7aL4.jpg&hash=e221fa9cb22774cf183daa1366fa67fa4d6b9b7b)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FjFLXu.jpg&hash=db9ec89fa5d8ecfae06df34984284637be13cf12)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FNHCcu.jpg&hash=b6a7f5d290a5aadcfbd6b09fce2c710cb18cc4b1)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FU7bkA.jpg&hash=decb363df4298a1983390f5f9dd85ef535366144)
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/s480x480/755_476927552359357_2121413863_n.jpg)
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/65137_205390092931630_893369983_n.jpg)
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/181845_512258385461844_208452471_n.jpg)
Quote from: dalebert on December 11, 2012, 09:19:00 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FU7bkA.jpg&hash=decb363df4298a1983390f5f9dd85ef535366144)
Oh nooooos, I LOLed so hard it kinda hurt :laugh: Butt who could pass up such a deal?
Okay, you may need to understand Czarist Russian policy to get this joke.
A Jew was drowning in the river. Two Czarist officers were just standing there. The Jew asked why they weren't doing anything. The officers explained that they didn't save Jews. So, in all of his cleverness, the Jew said with his last breath, "Down with the Czar!" The two officers jumped in the river, pulled him out, and arrested him for trouble-making. :laugh:
To err is human,
To foul things up takes a computer,
But to really FUBAR takes Corporate Headquarters.
True story! Many months ago I was walking around downtown with 2 of my guy friends. A homeless guy turns from the couple he's bothering and says to us "Here we have 3 fine gentlemen walking down the street with no women. Do you mind if I ask you something?" I immediately replied with "The answer is yes! We are all engineers!".
That got a laugh from everybody within earshot.
Quote from: emschuma on December 11, 2012, 10:48:09 PM
I immediately replied with "The answer is yes! We are all engineers!".
LOL! That reminds me of a joke.
Three engineers were arguing over the evolved purpose of the glans of a man's penis.
The electrical engineer pointed out that there are a lot of nerve endings in the glans which enhance the man's pleasure during sex.
The mechanical engineer disagreed and pointed out that the glans is flared out in order to provide additional stimulation, thereby enhancing the woman's pleasure during sex.
The software engineer said "You're both wrong", to which the others looked at him oddly and asked, "Then do tell. What is its purpose?"
"It's for efficiency. The reason it's flared out is to keep your hand from slipping off the end during a reciprocating motion!"
What kind of ears does an architect have? Enginears! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
This one popped up on my google reader a few months ago: A person using Apple Maps walks into a bar... or maybe a hospital ... or possibly a church...
An actual newspaper headline: "Pro-lifer shoots and kills a man." ???
Quote from: DianaP on December 12, 2012, 05:23:08 PM
An actual newspaper headline: "Pro-lifer shoots and kills a man." ???
I've always found it interesting how people who are pro-life tend to be pro-gun and pro-war...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FoO8Rd.jpg&hash=e4e253cb0e4e66ff216bd748fbf7ba53bb161cb5)
Quote from: emschuma on December 12, 2012, 05:40:22 PM
I've always found it interesting how people who are pro-life tend to be pro-gun and pro-war...
Sterotyping, and non-sequitur. This is the bad joke thread, not bad logic.
:-)
"Some dark humor." -George Takei
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FgiYlU.jpg&hash=5d66bf67da733b1d86078ff486ae6116e9c6b83b)
Quote from: Beth Andrea on December 12, 2012, 08:31:50 PM
Sterotyping, and non-sequitur. This is the bad joke thread, not bad logic.
:-)
I was honestly hoping that somebody would be amused by it...
Quote from: Beth Andrea on December 12, 2012, 08:31:50 PM
Sterotyping, and non-sequitur. This is the bad joke thread, not bad logic.
:-)
Shouldn't it actually go into an oxymoron thread?
I'm just going to have to post something else that may (or may not) apply to me right now: (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimgs.xkcd.com%2Fcomics%2Fcompiling.png&hash=27f937e56a89dc1bd9665ba96169bde78ce71cef)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F3S5jT.jpg&hash=2ffddd17bbfd5b27f5e862770e24c64bcef14fbf)
And who can forget Santa's singing elf?
Elvish Presley
A man goes into the doctor to find out what's wrong
Man. "Doctor don't give me the scientific name for what's wrong with me,just tell me in plain English"
Doctor "You're lazy"
Man "Can you give me the scientific name as I have to tell my wife"
I decided to start growing out my hair last August (unfortunately a week after getting it cut). I was hesitant at first, because I've never had long hair before. I like where it's going so far, though. I guess you could say ... it's grown on me! :D
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FZPpIH.jpg&hash=8f0f3232ce3049765d4d7e37b8bec9b86b7bcbff)
Quote from: dalebert on December 14, 2012, 09:45:40 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FZPpIH.jpg&hash=8f0f3232ce3049765d4d7e37b8bec9b86b7bcbff)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F2.bp.blogspot.com%2F-KFMpxDKCALo%2FTvBgae12zxI%2FAAAAAAAABtE%2Ft9WFh_BTaN0%2Fs1600%2Fmoops.jpg&hash=82879a314ab3cacad108db4938f16f40089dd2ea)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fg6guY.jpg&hash=8f934bbbde9c7dae32804e75da2e683c906591df)
Extremely bad taste.
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/4674724352/hF33418C4/)
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on December 14, 2012, 11:04:14 AM
Extremely bad taste.
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/4674724352/hF33418C4/)
I've seen this one before... and I still went "What? Godzilla? Where...?" the second time.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FnSOI9.jpg&hash=9ae15014a40bb858b9252cb7da259dd5828c146f)
"Puns about air conditioners? Not a fan..."
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fkjk5U.jpg&hash=b847820bd5eed1e92705be16c9bd5b3c1394c5b7)
(https://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/12/5/6PpSemQJq0GQqJdYnT8lng2.jpg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FsztKz.jpg&hash=c8f738cb13c368d3471bc2747aa97c9daeb9f8e8)
Natalie Portman's character in the movie V for Vendetta is named Evey Hammond. One of my friends rented the movie a few years ago, so a group of us gathered in his dorm room to watch. At one point in the movie there is a huge character-development scene and I couldn't help blurting out "What? Eevee is evolving!"
Now I want to go play Pokemon...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTlfTs.jpg&hash=bdbe5867c3b35b17cb5bacd2094efad168044f7b)
A snail slid into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender said, "Get out, you're a snail." Then he picked up the snail and threw him out the front door, all the way across the street.
Eleven months later, while collecting glasses, the bartender felt a tap on his shoe and looked down. The snail said, "What the heck did you do that for?"
Quote from: Cindy James on December 18, 2012, 04:16:02 PM
A snail slid into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender said, "Get out, you're a snail." Then he picked up the snail and threw him out the front door, all the way across the street.
Eleven months later, while collecting glasses, the bartender felt a tap on his shoe and looked down. The snail said, "What the heck did you do that for?"
OMG ROFL :laugh:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FpbqVt.png&hash=2563ab73785b36d292e97119021d0a2dd732b0d8)
"Tonight as the clock strikes midnight in Europe and the East Coast, people should post that the lights are flickering, the earth is shaking and there are fires in the distance. Then go mysteriously silent." -George Takei
He's such a troll.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FSFyah.jpg&hash=4fc02b5c29474228be1c22635ccfaffb642f88a8)
Quote from: dalebert on December 20, 2012, 11:30:32 AM
"Tonight as the clock strikes midnight in Europe and the East Coast, people should post that the lights are flickering, the earth is shaking and there are fires in the distance. Then go mysteriously silent." -George Takei
People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
According to the Maya there isn't.
Quote from: dalebert on December 20, 2012, 06:49:03 PM
People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
I love you. ;D
Anywho, what type of shoes are made of banana skins? Slippers! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire bat?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, and the other is a mouse-like creature with wings.
Ghost story at an organic chemistry camp:
"Then... when all was dark and quiet, the tertiary molecule, trapped in a protic solvent, underwent an SN2 reaction."
*GASP!!!* :o :icon_help: :icon_wave-nerd:
What do you have when the Westboro Baptist Church bus goes over a cliff?
A Damn fine start.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FPVWUg.jpg&hash=1958982cd38eb4a03963301d1c86d9de07579f57)
"And the pages are all dog-eared, too." -George Takei
Quote from: dalebert on December 21, 2012, 08:41:35 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FPVWUg.jpg&hash=1958982cd38eb4a03963301d1c86d9de07579f57)
"And the pages are all dog-eared, too." -George Takei
Ain't that a b!tch.
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6839676160/hDB6343CD/)
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/15814_440752112646095_788482426_n.jpg)
Give it a minute.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FfAJdq.jpg&hash=d0686664678fbc0e4d3ba3d842491dfb4f118844)
Here's a hint if you're still struggling.
Quotewhen I figured out the joke, I shouted "Out with Glee!"
I don't get it, Dalebert.
Quote from: dalebert on December 22, 2012, 12:39:17 PM
Give it a minute.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FfAJdq.jpg&hash=d0686664678fbc0e4d3ba3d842491dfb4f118844)
He went down in history?
Ur not s'posed to spoil it for folks!
hehe. I did not figure it out. Thanks, EmSchuma.
I got it, but it took more than a minute!
"Out with glee!" Great, now I need a hint for the hint! I feel stupid. :'(
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FJHexI.jpg&hash=0d010ed0971e5b56b7d7bfc828a4d5653cdbbe18)
Quote from: dalebert on December 22, 2012, 01:22:26 PM
Ur not s'posed to spoil it for folks!
It was on the previous page...
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on December 22, 2012, 01:30:00 PM
hehe. I did not figure it out. Thanks, EmSchuma.
* sings * I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t... I mean s-m-A-r-t
Who was Jabba the Hutt's Dog??
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.chzbgr.com%2Fcompletestore%2F2011%2F2%2F26%2Fdb4cb2cf-b9e2-4ba3-9845-dfd3c90f4d61.jpg&hash=f6478047e4e082f23f14c9f6441268daf7c81be4)
Quote from: Jayne on October 09, 2012, 08:01:27 PM
Last lot for tonight, this bunch have a common theme, men
Men are like blenders, you need one but you're never sure why
Men are like bank accounts, without alot of money they don't generate much interest
Men are like mascara, they run at the first sign of emotion
Men are like miniskirts, if you're not carefull they'll creep up your legs
Men are like public toilet cubicles, the good ones are taken & the only ones left are full of crap
Men are like tights, they either cling or run
Okay, to be fair. Women jokes.
How do you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A woman.
What do you call women who can't make sandwiches? Single.
What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing? A knife has a point.
How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her.
What do women and condoms have in common? If they're not on your d***, they're in you wallet.
Why is life like a penis? Women make it hard.
_________________________________________________________________
Now, men jokes.
What do men and lawnmowers have in common? They're hard to get started, release toxic fumes, and don't work half the time.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two beers instead of one.
What's the only thing men know how to cook? Take-out.
How do you keep a man from reading your e-mail? Rename the folder, "Directions."
Why are all women jokes one-liners? So men can understand them.
What does it mean if a man is calling out a woman's name in bed? He needs help remembering it.
Humor is universal.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FyXFhx.jpg&hash=286530473ce568f800c211560e6d42e01cf1752f)
Quote from: dalebert on December 24, 2012, 01:23:21 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FyXFhx.jpg&hash=286530473ce568f800c211560e6d42e01cf1752f)
Awwww, poor little Pluto in the corner... :'(
Ok, I made a summer camp for kids with ADD, but no one showed up. Maybe because I called it "Concentration Camp." ??? :laugh:
I spent today making snow and winter puns on facebook, here are some of the highlights:
- Sounds like a flaky system
- Icy what you did there
- Snow more puns please
- Well that's snow banks to me
- I am snowboard of this
- The important thing is that nobody is flurry-ous
These are for you, Jaime D. >:-)
I was gonna tell a pig joke, but it was too boar-ing.
I was gonna make a joke about old bread, but it was too stale.
I was gonna tell a vacuum joke, but it sucks.
I was gonna make a joke about rednecks, but it was too stupid.
I was gonna make an Alzheimer's joke, but I forgot it.
I was gonna make a sheep joke, but I'm too baaashful.
I was gonna make a missing clock joke, but I don't have the time.
I was gonna make a chef joke, but I don't have the thyme.
I was gonna make a joke about a baker's finances, but I couldn't raise the dough.
I was gonna make a physics joke, but i don't have the balls.
I was gonna make a skeleton joke, but i don't have the guts.
I was gonna make a joke about rabbits, but I'm too soft.
I was gonna make a racing joke, but I ran out of them.
I was gonna make a joke about sinks, but my plans went down the drain.
I was gonna make a joke about clouds, but I'm too high to say it.
I was gonna make a joke about mustaches, but I'll shave it for later.
I was gonna make a joke about He-Man, but I didn't have the power.
I was gonna make a joke about cats, but not right meow.
I was gonna make a joke about the alphabet, but Y not save it for later?
I was gonna make a joke about female golfers, but it was too darn caddy.
I was gonna make a joke about coffee, but I'd be grounded for saying it.
I was gonna make an indecisive joke, but I changed my mind.
I was gonna make a joke about dogs, but it was only a ruff draft.
I was gonna make a dark joke, but it wasn't too bright.
I was gonna make a joke about onions, but it would make you cry.
I was gonna make a joke about electricity, but it was too shocking.
I was gonna make a joke about Yao Ming, but it was too tall an order.
I was gonna make a joke about dulled nails, but it wasn't too sharp.
I was gonna make a joke about evolution, but it was too primal.
I was gonna make a joke about pipes, but it was too blunt.
I was gonna make a joke about computers, but it bytes.
I was gonna make a joke about carpenters, but wood you care if I saved it for later?
I was gonna make a joke about art, but it's too abstract.
I was gonna make a joke about viruses, but it was too sick.
I was gonna make a joke about sharks, bu it was too vicious.
I was gonna make a joke about an unsharpened pencil, but you wouldn't get the point.
I was gonna make a joke about literature, but it didn't feel write.
I was gonna make a joke about philosophical theory, but you wouldn't get the concept.
I was gonna make a joke about mercury, but you're too dense to get it.
I was gonna make a joke about concrete, but it wasn't too smooth.
I was gonna make a joke about bananas, but it wasn't very appealing.
I was gonna make a joke about narcolepsy, but... *snore*
I was gonna make an incomplete joke, but
This is what my friend and I have been doing for the last half hour. :)
That was a good use of a half hour :)
Quote from: DianaP on December 26, 2012, 09:30:01 PM
I was gonna make a physics joke, but i don't have the balls.
Heh, I mentally replaced "physics joke" with "juggling joke" when I read this. Maybe I've been playing with my balls too much...
Give it a moment.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FlHpYA.jpg&hash=548e876066095402740bf50b97cbe8f7b95f37dc)
AHHHHHHH! Dalebert, I love your cryptic jokes. :laugh:
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/574950_463311660392808_1108515338_n.jpg)
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/8842_519882868032729_1369924429_n.jpg)
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on December 27, 2012, 01:50:31 PM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/8842_519882868032729_1369924429_n.jpg)
I feel very inclined to just click like on this, but I'm not ready to release myself into the world of social networking yet.
Reasons I don't like algebra:
1. It's not exactly useful.
b. They mix numbers and letters together.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Calculus pickup line: "I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves"
I don't like my current girlfriend. Mind if I do a you-substitution?
How can I know hundreds of digits of pi, but not the 7 digits of your phone number?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpictures.mastermarf.com%2Fblog%2F2010%2F100614-elephant-in-way.jpg&hash=bfb544469b3eb1e066aa36871e58e586dab52f80)
http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/photos/12-pictures-things-taken-too-literally (http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/photos/12-pictures-things-taken-too-literally)
Click the link for more. Here's one.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.smosh.com%2Fsites%2Fdefault%2Ffiles%2Fftpuploads%2Fbloguploads%2Fliterally-funny-sex-tape.jpg&hash=c4da60084bfec64190a0c5cf7bea2a7076fee859)
This person is surely trolling, right?
And don't call me Shirley.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FUiRGE.jpg&hash=e9bccc8443e685efc4234a2ca55c64f9f6faf1aa)
Found on Facebook:
Quote4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids. The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line mercedes for christmas. The second ...guy said, "damn, thats terrific! my son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift! the third man said. "well thats terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion! the 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? one of the three guys said, "were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... "wat about ur son?" they asked the 4th guy. the fourth man replied, " my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, " thats a shame...what a disappointment. The fourth man replied. " nah, im not ashamed hes my son and i love him..and he hasnt done too badly either. Just this çhristmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-9.gif&hash=42bd2ee88d4ddc91007b3b25799f543e9ee358f1) Way too funny.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on December 29, 2012, 08:46:11 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-9.gif&hash=42bd2ee88d4ddc91007b3b25799f543e9ee358f1) Way too funny.
I know, right? Like where do they think most people get their Mercedes?
Pole dancing on the corporate ladder or not, it's still pole dancing...
LOL
Not a bad joke, unless it happens to you ...
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/307592_577615918930514_1570179240_n.jpg)
Returning from a situation 4 fire:
"Everything went alright, chief. The LOT was saved." :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Okay, this was actually said by my friend, Jack:
(He was only joking)
"Well, ladies, are you ready for the Jackhammer?" :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I don't like it when my friends make me laugh when I'm drinking milk. Not cool! >:( >:( >:(
Trans humor!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F53Rph.jpg&hash=327ccbddf94dc02a38fed1e2feddbe82af1dc5c5)
Why did the dalek cross the road?
To ex-ter-mi-nate the chicken.
What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a banjo player?
A tattoo.
What did the shy pebble wish?
That she was a little boulder.
Quote from: dalebert on January 03, 2013, 12:11:31 AM
Trans humor!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F53Rph.jpg&hash=327ccbddf94dc02a38fed1e2feddbe82af1dc5c5)
Further comments by Balrog (contributed by a friend):
I *know* I cannot pass!! That is why I am FLAMING!!
And after the surgery, I will no longer BE a Balrog! I shall be...a VAGIROG!!!
There is a polar bear and a grizzly bear standing next to a lake,
the polar bear falls in and screams "Help I am disloving!!",
the grizzly bear replies "Calm down its only water",
the polar bear replies "easy for you to say your not polar!"
Sorry a science joke not sure how many people will even get it.
Quote from: LilDevilOfPrada on January 04, 2013, 06:25:08 PM
Sorry a science joke not sure how many people will even get it.
I loved it!
Here's one. Why do chemistry teachers talk about ammonia in class? It's basic material!
Why do hamburgers have less energy than steaks? They're in the ground state!
I told a chemistry joke in class today. There was no reaction.
My physics teacher connected a capacitor to a light bulb and lit it off right in front of me. I guess she blinded me with science!
Science pickup line: Mind if I run my wire through your solenoid?
Would you believe my neighbour knocked on the door at 3am?
He was lucky I was still up practicing the b>-bleeped-<ipes.
Quote from: DianaP on January 04, 2013, 10:20:16 PM
I loved it!
Here's one. Why do chemistry teachers talk about ammonia in class? It's basic material!
Why do hamburgers have less energy than steaks? They're in the ground state!
I told a chemistry joke in class today. There was no reaction.
My physics teacher connected a capacitor to a light bulb and lit it off right in front of me. I guess she blinded me with science!
Science pickup line: Mind if I run my wire through your solenoid?
Yay for nerds! :P
Quote from: LilDevilOfPrada on January 05, 2013, 06:02:16 AM
Yay for nerds! :P
This place is a total nerd-fest. Must be why I like it so much.
Someone actually went to all this trouble to invent a complicated device, all for a bad joke!
http://scott.j38.net/interactive/beetbox/ (http://scott.j38.net/interactive/beetbox/)
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/407954_10151236721126247_237017742_n.jpg)
Some words to live by: if at first you don't succeed then skydiving is not for you!
Quote from: Ms. OBrien on January 06, 2013, 10:08:24 AM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/407954_10151236721126247_237017742_n.jpg)
Love it just put it on my Dept notice board.
Explains why I've been branded in so many crazy spots.
I was talking to an American today...
Him - "Soccer sucks."
Me- "You're just jealous that your team sucks. Maybe I should call Ghana to talk some sense into you."
Oh SNAP! :P
__________________________________________________________________________________________
My sister - "Jealousy is conditional. For example, if you see Brad Pitt with two hot girls, you won't think much of it. However, if you see some short, stubby guy with two hot girls, then you'll be mad."
Me- "What can I say? He may be short, but his pockets sure ain't! :P
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fryakt.jpg&hash=78a8be6426fb2f67eea0dcd5b1b3c7f418b7f27f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ft.qkme.me%2F35v5x0.jpg&hash=96105ef22831428a56a8c38f5b36d7ef8b325451)
Quote from: dalebert on January 07, 2013, 01:29:15 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fryakt.jpg&hash=78a8be6426fb2f67eea0dcd5b1b3c7f418b7f27f)
I would've given it back. :-\
What Jabba The Hutt's brother that played golf?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F24.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_lh70c7NqJq1qat8sbo1_500.jpg&hash=be95cd4e8b35f91b561b46b57b9ba1e49c88fd2c)
This just in!
Rudolph the Reindeer is dead!
Apparently he died while flying over Barcelona after having been struck by a flock of wild geese and a 747.
Eye-witnesses report, however, that the Reindeer in Spain was killed Mainly by the Plane!
Quote from: Incarnadine on January 08, 2013, 08:48:18 AM
This just in!
Rudolph the Reindeer is dead!
Apparently he died while flying over Barcelona after having been struck by a flock of wild geese and a 747.
Eye-witnesses report, however, that the Reindeer in Spain was killed Mainly by the Plane!
10000 points to Incarnadine okay we'll be right back after this!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1282.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa538%2Fhazel198713%2Fdrew_zps734e0a6c.jpg&hash=5ef562dedf6e4856f1b9d536204158adf6c8f440)
Quote from: hazel on January 08, 2013, 08:58:22 AM
10000 points to Incarnadine okay we'll be right back after this!
:angel: I didn't think he'd mind if I borrowed it since we share matching hairlines.
Why does McFee keep stealing my cookies :-X
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FT5Ieu.jpg&hash=dddfa4527352bacbb7852295effd3518995010e3)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F20aH1.jpg&hash=5c120cff0ec54f4083ff26b7cdf5543dc08cccc7)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FmER6m.jpg&hash=26d0159a1410ba0fb9df5b13f492f61725aa3396)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTVd7Y.jpg&hash=752cea4ae0d70aee62c84187b0255f48ef0ab35d)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dumpaday.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F12%2Flol-cats-this-is-not-funny.jpg&hash=d2666fa669df75c8ba76b8a58c7128d1a4cefdee)
This is REALLY juvenile... and I couldn't stop laughing. I'm so ashamed of myself.
What?!
Star Wars: Hard of Hearing Vader (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3lScCvnkEQ#)
Quote from: dalebert on January 09, 2013, 03:23:55 PM
This is REALLY juvenile...
As opposed to everything else you posted here? ZING! :laugh:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FGRmLA.jpg&hash=c523d02a74fc94bbd0c6f49eb8b0ad174b205c7f)
Quote from: DianaP on January 09, 2013, 03:25:47 PM
As opposed to everything else you posted here? ZING! :laugh:
Ouch! You got me there. :)
The last few days a couple of coworkers from California have been visiting. Last night they were bundling up to go out into our colder weather, and they were talking about the winter gear they brought with them.
Coworker one: And I've got one of those uh... uh... those (points)
Coworker two: A scarf?
Coworker one: Yeah!
Me (with surprise in my voice): Wow, California doesn't even have a word for them!
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/13696_584104308285693_866827160_n.jpg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FR6jxj.jpg&hash=7bc07ca4c327fdf52caa4669abae7448e116e146)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FH96Ls.jpg&hash=f3c14fca2f6fb5e0b411d7ee41119eb7ecf97dcc)
Quote from: EmSchuma on January 10, 2013, 07:32:17 AM
Me (with surprise in my voice): Wow, California doesn't even have a word for them!
As someone who lived in L.A. for 8 years and then moved to NH, this is hilarious to me!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FYHkxu.jpg&hash=ebc78f4582dbca90c45537f74bf719440b5a256d)
Beaker-ful who you work for. -George Takei
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F5HZ71.jpg&hash=e64a27d5c88f914b66188b8399bc8311d87886aa)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FEgAC8.jpg&hash=6637ad667ca26c7776a10f444fb24c4d8cd9c4dd)
Quote from: dalebert on January 15, 2013, 02:35:56 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FEgAC8.jpg&hash=6637ad667ca26c7776a10f444fb24c4d8cd9c4dd)
Took me a while to get this - necessary to pronounce his name in American :)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FYY5e4.jpg&hash=5005b618118add5399ca55453bd41cbfa61de6e4)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FdRs4s.jpg&hash=bfc505b3147fdbffb7220455dec81a078585496e)
Quote from: dalebert on January 10, 2013, 11:11:45 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FR6jxj.jpg&hash=7bc07ca4c327fdf52caa4669abae7448e116e146)
ok, that is hilarious :D
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fngnsf.jpg&hash=c926bf615fb4103ec09b33919deed4e715a9da71)
Another borderline unacceptable joke by George Takei.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FZgUsq.jpg&hash=c8cfaa035c647ca43c5244a55372a0f861c9852b)
Key-stone cops. -George Takei
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fjam0P.jpg&hash=c38839110cbcc77815f66cd5d912064f6015f9db)
"Grumpy cat, did you catch the inauguration?" -George Takei
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FAcPa66X.jpg&hash=85f147d9903ee8e4895725865a57fc4696264f38)
Quote from: dalebert on January 17, 2013, 03:58:30 PM
Another borderline unacceptable joke by George Takei.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FZgUsq.jpg&hash=c8cfaa035c647ca43c5244a55372a0f861c9852b)
I don't care what anyone says. To me, Lance Armstrong has always been, is, and always will be an awesome inspiration.
In short, screw you, George Takei.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi275.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fjj290%2FTheWoodenBlock%2Fsamuelljacksonwizardofoz.gif&hash=289226649c7e4752c40a2884cdb1d5b9e3e07f04)
If they remake this film without Sam Jackson it will seriously be a missed opportunity
Quote from: DianaP on January 21, 2013, 03:41:59 PM
I don't care what anyone says. To me, Lance Armstrong has always been, is, and always will be an awesome inspiration.
In short, screw you, George Takei.
Absolutely. *Everyone* who is a world-class athlete has "doped up" at one point or another.
He just pissed off one of the insurance companies, that's why he was nailed incessantly for 10 years...and if he keeps blabbing, I wouldn't be surprised if he has an "accident" or is "found to have committed sui*ide"...
I sent a heart felt letter to George Takei, he never replied.
Okay friends :police:
Let's get back on topic
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
None! They get their purrrson to do it.
Tricky one this.
What do you call a person who changes an iguana's light globe?
A man walks it a saddle shop and asks about how to ride a five legged horse ::)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimgs.xkcd.com%2Fcomics%2Fconditioning.png&hash=a2738db4ba7c3288ade801daaf8d87ba30d3e2fd)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi440.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fqq121%2FMasatoMAX%2Ftumblr_mfit6r7VyV1qgn3qto1_1280-1.jpg&hash=9be81acc647ab095495f3933a8bec9a18be4dc86)
I was going to tell a joke about conservation, but it expired.
Why does the pope dislike looking at himself, naked, in the mirror?
Doesn't like looking down on the unemployed.
(OK. Now may I be excommunicated?)
I was in my local deli today buying some bacon for the BBQ. They had a promotion on where if you signed up to the bacon manufactures website, you could win a years worth of bacon.
Rushing home with bacon in hand and phone number at the ready to call them, when I rang them up, all I got was crackling
Quote from: Cindy James on January 21, 2013, 10:33:33 PM
Tricky one this.
What do you call a person who changes an iguana's light globe?
Ok, I'll bite...what DO you call a person who changes an iguana's light globe?
The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
The above post sounds just like a whole load of ass-ernine propaganda. :laugh:
A biology teacher was explaining the human reproductive systems to a class.
One student said, "I don't get it. What's the deferens?"
Badum tsh! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fv42iiyF.jpg&hash=d4c35881d31a37b10eba66acd21192a12029adf5)
Quote from: DianaP on January 26, 2013, 09:38:22 AM
One student said, "I don't get it. What's the deferens?"
There's a vas deferens between a man and a woman.
Quote from: justmeinoz on January 26, 2013, 04:49:33 AM
The Pastor's Ass
I've been watching The Tudors so I'm loving church jokes today. :)
Quote from: dalebert on January 26, 2013, 10:02:37 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fv42iiyF.jpg&hash=d4c35881d31a37b10eba66acd21192a12029adf5)
I knew there was a reason I love Pi...
Quick! Let's get to the next page, so we don't have that creepy wizard of Oz pic in our faces....
Quote from: dalebert on January 26, 2013, 10:05:55 AM
I've been watching The Tudors so I'm loving church jokes today. :)
Okay. Why is it important to be quiet in church? Because people are sleeping. :laugh:
Quote from: Beth Andrea on January 26, 2013, 10:09:15 AM
Quick! Let's get to the next page, so we don't have that creepy wizard of Oz pic in our faces....
Oh, and you're welcome, Beth. :P
I guess Hazel and myself are the only one's who thought that Wizard Of Oz pic LOL.
She's been on National TV
Introducing -- GRUMPY CAT
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi440.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fqq121%2FMasatoMAX%2Fgrumpycat2.jpg&hash=4b0de032957a2a766804b738cecce285321ceb27)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTtpOpUw.jpg&hash=109dee90918f51b1a79ad37d0074ca76902b72f5)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FbJRbmJm.jpg&hash=7d3161c0b5464e31e0f9ff1526d20414e5d065ee)
Quote from: Beth Andrea on January 26, 2013, 10:09:15 AM
Quick! Let's get to the next page, so we don't have that creepy wizard of Oz pic in our faces....
Which one, Beth?
This one >>>
Quote from: hazel on January 21, 2013, 03:46:13 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi275.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fjj290%2FTheWoodenBlock%2Fsamuelljacksonwizardofoz.gif&hash=289226649c7e4752c40a2884cdb1d5b9e3e07f04)
If they remake this film without Sam Jackson it will seriously be a missed opportunity
HeHeHeh :laugh: >:-) :laugh:
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/14899_500650926667651_1662801304_n.jpg)
Quote from: Ms. OBrien VT on January 27, 2013, 09:54:18 PM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/14899_500650926667651_1662801304_n.jpg)
ROFLMAO :laugh:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FkD0uoCf.jpg&hash=be5d1fb82473b6567b1093faf0f635793a7b24dc)
There's an Irishman moved in next door
Oh really
No O'Riley!
Nice One Dalebert. :laugh:
Quote from: DianaP on January 26, 2013, 10:40:16 AM
Okay. Why is it important to be quiet in church? Because people are sleeping. :laugh:
Oh, and you're welcome, Beth. :P
Oh, chut up! ;)
At least it's not on the top of the page... :o
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fn3AN8gP.jpg&hash=39bb548128b6e93bf067ee8caeec64cf1f4fb838)
Quote from: dalebert on January 28, 2013, 11:11:45 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fn3AN8gP.jpg&hash=39bb548128b6e93bf067ee8caeec64cf1f4fb838)
OMG, kept thinking I could never live without you by my side...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fkw5nrcG.jpg&hash=cad250b584f205c9f1d2369130168895f7986dac)
Two players named Bob and Joe from the UGA football team are walking down the sidewalk when Bob suddenly stops and asks "What's that up ahead? Take a closer look."
Joe walks up and says "It looks like a pile of dog mess."
Bob says, "Sniff it."
"What? Why?"
"Just sniff it."
Joe sniffs it and scrunches up his face in disgust.
"What does it smell like?" asks Bob.
"Smells like dog mess."
"Touch it," says Bob.
"I'm not touching it!"
"Just see what it feels like for crying out loud."
Joe sighs and sticks his finger in it. "It feels like dog mess."
"Taste it."
"Why in the world do you want me to taste it?" asks Joe.
"Oh, don't be a baby!"
Refusing to allow his manhood to be challenged, Joe sticks his finger in it again and gets a little and touches it to his tongue. He gags, spits, and wretches a couple of times before vomiting on the sidewalk. "Oh, my God, that was the most awful thing ever. So disgusting!"
"What did it taste like?"
"Well not that I've ever tasted any but I guess it tastes like dog mess!"
"Good thing," says Bob.
"How in the Hell is it a good thing?"
"Good thing we didn't step in it."
Quote from: Beth Andrea on January 28, 2013, 01:27:01 PM
OMG, kept thinking I could never live without you by my side...
But then I spent so many nights thinking, how you did me wrong....
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on January 29, 2013, 03:12:37 PM
But then I spent so many nights thinking, how you did me wrong....
Before this turns into a whole big mess...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBR2G-iI3-I (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBR2G-iI3-I)
Then there's this:
CAKE "I Will Survive" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10C68Gzd5GM#)
Math nerds unite.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIaupXkpB00 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIaupXkpB00)
Quote from: DianaP on January 29, 2013, 05:45:32 PM
Math nerds unite.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIaupXkpB00 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIaupXkpB00)
OMG...."I looked back on Calculus..."
You mean....there's math
beyond Calc? OMG, I'm afraid....
Awesome V
ideo/S
ong (v/s = F
un)
Quote from: DianaP on January 29, 2013, 05:45:32 PM
Math nerds unite.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIaupXkpB00 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIaupXkpB00)
That reminds me of a certain lecture hall musical (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIUsZjtDTCU)...
And if you want more nerdy humor, check out Demetri Martin's If I (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKnzPHtf9u4) show.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases?
They're making headlines!
**SPOILER ALERT!!** (http://www.automopedia.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/spoiler.jpg)
Quote from: dalebert on January 30, 2013, 11:24:15 AM
**SPOILER ALERT!!** (http://www.automopedia.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/spoiler.jpg)
OMG ???
As a New Englander, this one's close to my heart.
"Mass Appeal" -George Takei
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fx38Pp1b.jpg&hash=e47c857e1de4ec3e33cd67d8b01f91a6e22f8dc7)
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/387084_532049760161302_806233615_n.png)
"Things aren't shaping up so well for the new guy." -George Takei
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FmWoqLQV.jpg&hash=71dc5b7176a70037cd648a7100325e00a7718bb3)
Quote from: Beth Andrea on January 29, 2013, 05:54:49 PM
You mean....there's math beyond Calc? OMG, I'm afraid....
As a comp sci major, I can testify to this. I wasn't even allowed to transfer from my 2-year college to Georgia Tech until I had completed all three Calc courses. Even then, I had to take a math course almost every quarter of my remaining two years plus at Tech to meet all the comp sci math requirements! Torture.
Quote from: dalebert on January 31, 2013, 10:35:10 AM
As a comp sci major, I can testify to this. I wasn't even allowed to transfer from my 2-year college to Georgia Tech until I had completed all three Calc courses. Even then, I had to take a math course almost every quarter of my remaining two years plus at Tech to meet all the comp sci math requirements! Torture.
UMich didn't have math requirements for us past differential equations (calc 4). Here's some comp sci jokes:
Two bits meet. The first bit asks, "Are you ill?"
The second bit replies, "No, just feeling a bit off."
Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't. [Note: I have a t-shirt with this printed on it...]
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
very long pause....
"Java."
Quote from: EmSchuma on January 31, 2013, 11:05:05 AM
UMich didn't have math requirements for us past differential equations (calc 4). Here's some comp sci jokes:
Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, "Are you ill?"
The second byte replies, "No, just feeling a bit off."
Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
What? ???
Quote from: DianaP on January 31, 2013, 03:31:38 PM
What? ???
Quote from: EmSchuma on January 31, 2013, 11:05:05 AM
Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, "Are you ill?"
The second byte replies, "No, just feeling a bit off."
I forgot to spell check when I copied this one. Instead of byte, it should have been bit (since bits are either on or off).
Quote
Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
There's nothing hear saying how many times to repeat, so it's an infinite loop (although, I suppose you would eventually run out of shampoo... let's assume she has a bottomless shampoo bottle).
Obama's Elf (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=A_B5UrI7nAI#)
TELEPATHY
Let's discuss it...
*sound of crickets*
Oh, never mind. I know what you're thinking...
Inspired by a recent thread, original funny by me! Yay! First time!
"It's a dog eat dog something." -George Takei
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FUgdH3ZT.jpg&hash=232057361f54df06c515bd66a6f03be7b9530b7a)
I came up with a funny dialogue.
Doctor: Yep, that's the bullet. It's lodged in your ventricular apex.
Patient: Oh, shoot! Well, I'll take a shot in the dark and guess that I'll be having heart surgery. I suppose I'll have another round of testing? If so, I'd like to have some magazines available while I wait. Just know that I'd like to rifle through any other options available and fire them off first. Shoot straight with me, doc.
Doctor: Well, before you recoil in horror, allow me to explain that we're not so trigger happy with surgery. Don't shoot from the hip with assumptions, because you were off the mark. There's no magic bullet with surgery; they all present risks. Considering your age, you wouldn't be able to handle it. Since there are no significant problems with you, we'll just have you discharged for now.
Quote from: DianaP on February 02, 2013, 04:23:29 PM
I came up with a funny dialogue.
Doctor: Yep, that's the bullet. It's lodged in your ventricular apex.
Patient: Oh, shoot! Well, I'll take a shot in the dark and guess that I'll be having heart surgery. I suppose I'll have another round of testing? If so, I'd like to have some magazines available while I wait. Just know that I'd like to rifle through any other options available and fire them off first. Shoot straight with me, doc.
Doctor: Well, before you recoil in horror, allow me to explain that we're not so trigger happy with surgery. Don't shoot from the hip with assumptions, because you were off the mark. There's no magic bullet with surgery; they all present risks. Considering your age, you wouldn't be able to handle it. Since there are no significant problems with you, we'll just have you discharged for now.
For the second time this week, I wonder if someone is channeling the spirit of George Carlin, great bit of punderful humour.
Friend of mine tries to get medical marijuana. The doctor says he has to suffer from a chronic condition like chronic pain, glaucoma, etc
He says yeah, I have glaucoma so bad I can barely walk
The doctor says, sir glaucoma is an eye condition.
He says yeah and the glaucoma is so bad I can't walk cause I run into things...
I suppose there are worse things than being transgender:
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6823454720/h59C29BC9/)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F24.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_mdbzfeYSke1rvmzlbo1_400.jpg&hash=941f1140448641ecbbe907f8021a34b0b6d89ae7)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.myhandicap.com%2Fuploads%2Fpics%2F300x200_mousefalle_pauline_pixelio.de_1.jpg&hash=6995cc44cc957a07bdc790a033a2de381ad77580)
(http://300x200_mousefalle_pauline_pixelio.de_1.jpg)
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York .
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo
Oh BOO, hiss.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien VT on February 06, 2013, 06:58:00 PM
Oh BOO, hiss.
One of my friends gave the same reaction to a joke I made the other day. Context: We were discussing who was going to show up for bar trivia that night.
Friend: have fun you guys!!!!
Me: Of course, having fun should be trivial :P
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FNZEht3p.jpg&hash=9fb1e5ed9095ca42c68578c628455c15a9519d8f)
LOL...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fblog.beliefnet.com%2Famericainuniform%2Ffiles%2F2011%2F09%2Fsgt.jpg&hash=a69c9c5cdee42af3fdcea91250650a88c717c4a3)
BCT Drill Sergeant (instructor) with new recruit
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FremfpGJ.jpg&hash=91446fdebd5c96a2ed60198e2a9a97f31e77fdca)
Quote from: Ms. OBrien VT on February 06, 2013, 06:58:00 PM
Oh BOO, hiss.
haha ;D well the topic did call for bad jokes right? ;)
Quote from: hazel on February 07, 2013, 05:34:41 PM
haha ;D well the topic did call for bad jokes right? ;)
As far as I'm concerned, you've failed to meet that objective. :P
Quote from: hazel on February 07, 2013, 05:34:41 PM
haha ;D well the topic did call for bad jokes right? ;)
Actually, after your joke we're thinking about renaming it "Hazels' Thread." >:-)
Biology joke: The genetic code is degenerate (or redundant). It hangs out at the peroxisomes (where alcohol is processed).
What do you can someone who is a playwright by day and a carpenter by night? Sawphocles!
A guy fell on the sidewalk and scraped himself. He said, "Gee, if you didn't like my shoes, you could've just said so. No need to be so abrasive."
You shouldn't drink and derive, or you'll end up in L'hopital.
And... badum tsh! :P
We're expecting two feet of snow in New England.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fq5fCxcl.jpg&hash=04e3df56200e236b666e685c06bf65e324f5abb4)
"Knit picking" -George Takei
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FSFHWOOi.jpg&hash=995f6b62ae1a044be773b341505c09e04e1206d2)
Don't know why
Spiders fell out of the sky...
Stormy webber!
LiveLeak.com - well this is creepy (http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=389_1360330426)
I had the best Youtube comment exchange ever!
Math puns are the first sine of madness x)
Well, with so much theta, it's hard not to undergo a mental regression. Then again, it's sometimes difficult to differentiate madness from eccentricity. After all, humor is an integral part of life.
Don't drink and derive, or you'll end up in l'hospital. :)
Well, eventually, you'll be released, and you'll just sine on the dotted line.
Yeah, and I guess it'd only take a secant, except I'd need an adult with me to cosine.
I guess you could leave on your own, but that would be an infraction. You an hire a lawyer, but things may get complex.
I could also try to trig them by substituting someone for myself...but I guess that's irrational.
That's acute idea, but sum plans are just the product of imaginary chances of success.
Yeah, escape plans are kinda out of my domain. But at least I have it better than the guy who got arrested for having math weapons of instruction. It's rumored he's a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
Wow, it's reputation reaches over a wide range. At least you didn't get caught with crystal math. I for one am far from bad, so I'll go back to playing Reimann Raving Rabbids.
I know! They derive solutions by means and extremes, and search for absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. x) Haha, but I suppose we're getting off on a tangent, or should I say, cotangent :)
Well, I suppose that we're approaching a cusp. These puns seem to be reaching their upper limit. I've gotta check on my chicken, but it's on a tall stove. It's in my hypotenuse (high pot in use). I integrated a lot of ingredients, and it looks delicious; I would take a picture, but I can't find the right angle. I suppose this tangent has been quite obtuse.
I'm pretty Newton cooking, though I'm ok at making Rolle's. I've tried making gourmet pasta, but it's a lot of ingredients so I have to integrate them by parts. Sounds like Euclid a good job :D
Don't be so negative. I'm sure you can cook; try adding some lemma juice. If that doesn't work out, you can always find a good dish washer method.
I dunno, I occasionally get mixed sigmas from people. I guess this makes sense, since sometimes I can make radical gourmet foods, and sometimes I Cartesian begin to pour cereal. I'd use the disk washer method, but my roommate and I ran out of dish slope D:
Well, you can go to the store and buy some lambda for dinner while you're at it. Just make sure you have Gauss pads ready for any burns in the kitchen. You can always get take-out, but that's just supplementary to cooking skills. Don't eat sugary stuff, though, or you'll get concavities.
Nu I can't, my mom had a pet lambda and doesn't want me eating it. Yeah, we've had some burns from Boyled water, but thankfully no one's been hurt so bad that I've lost track of their order of operations. Though some Pascal did manage to Burnside of our dorm by cooking bacon.
Sounds like the kind of JERK that rides a Rolle's Royce and never stops to calculate the cosecants of his actions...
I know I was like Omega, he's crazy. He attributed it not to his lack of cooking skills, but to his "failure to open a window in time." His logic seems completely ellipsed by nonsense; I think there are some discontinuities in his brain. But I'm glad his plans were FOIL'd.
Well, there must have been some factors he didn't take into account. I would look him square in the eye and call him dumb. Simpson (since some) safety rules apparently don't apply to him, he might need to be locked up in his own quadrant.
Ah, I'm such a nerd. :icon_geekdance:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fb98JHE4.jpg&hash=f9f78b2b18f690c7ef3bec291e24e6f119449870)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FUzqcfam.jpg&hash=81c7ce0235db43638a201c112abb9f018ab027f6)
Quote from: dalebert on February 10, 2013, 10:28:27 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FUzqcfam.jpg&hash=81c7ce0235db43638a201c112abb9f018ab027f6)
I"ve not seen him here
I've not seen him there
I've not seen him anywhere
AND YOU CAN'T PROVE I DID AHAHAHAHAHAAA...
Pope Attends Super Bowl
Signals field goal is...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.wisconsingazette.com%2Fimages%2Fdailies%2F2013-02-11%2FPope_Benedict.jpg&hash=eac1579fa257ac2e5a004df69d8feafb11081827)
GOOD!!!
I normally don't make wiener jokes, but...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fts1.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DH.4533489203545912%26amp%3Bpid%3D15.1&hash=4673d3e2fa712fb3505f667b531c263014b938e3)
That's disgusting! Where can I buy them? I'm having a family BBQ next week!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FtGsoLlJ.jpg&hash=91e5f45c220451aa573b3d74acbd02b8b89788fa)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FHb16cQC.png&hash=9237b9a850ee9de4e9c592f13aa19eb094463015)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FUrGWN8C.jpg&hash=247884386daf2debafc80a72536891c70e23d870)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FJJ1W12P.jpg&hash=feeb8456629da06535b61f0efca6b049e30ff770)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fo8QJTxK.jpg&hash=730708ae3a9a3d33bbe4029eb6c30b9760eb1f0a)
Quote from: Cindy James on February 13, 2013, 03:48:54 AM
That's disgusting! Where can I buy them? I'm having a family BBQ next week!
Right here! http://www.gizmomagazine.com/human-hot-dog-cooker/ (http://www.gizmomagazine.com/human-hot-dog-cooker/)
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on February 15, 2013, 11:21:48 AM
Right here! http://www.gizmomagazine.com/human-hot-dog-cooker/ (http://www.gizmomagazine.com/human-hot-dog-cooker/)
Well, I guess you can have some fun with someone with that red-hot poker. ::) :laugh: >:-)
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNeil from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my b>-bleeped-<ipes."
A man in a kilt walks into a pub with a plastic bag under his arms and the bartender asks, "What's that?"
"Six pounds of Semtex", he answers.
"That's a relief. I thought it was b>-bleeped-<ipes."
---------------
Old Jock had been very hard of hearing for many years, but eventually his doctor got him fitted up with a very discreet hearing aid. A month later, Jock was back for a check-up and the doctor remarked that Jock's family must be delighted that he could hear perfectly again.
Jock grinned and remarked, "Och, I haven't told them yet. I just listen to the conversations and don't let on I can hear them now. I've changed my will three times already..."
Quote from: dalebert on February 16, 2013, 10:05:25 AM
A man in a kilt walks into a pub with a plastic bag under his arms and the bartender asks, "What's that?"
"Six pounds of Semtex", he answers.
"That's a relief. I thought it was b>-bleeped-<ipes."
What does everyone have against b
>-bleeped-<ipes?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZE8lYDXqO8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZE8lYDXqO8)
Fast forward to 2:05. That's where the real action starts. :P
______________________________________________________________________________________
Algebra for dummies:
Expand the following binomial --> (a+b)^n --> (a + b)^n
Pickup line: Girl, you look tan(c)/sin(c) --> (sin(c)/cos(c))/sin(c) --> 1/cos(c) --> sec(c)
Why can't Mitt Romney screw in a light bulb? He can't figure out which way to turn. :P
How can ya tell if a someone is ticklish?
Give a couple of test tickles. :D
Quote from: DianaP on February 16, 2013, 10:11:28 AM
What does everyone have against b>-bleeped-<ipes?
Fast forward to 2:05. That's where the real action starts. :P
I know everyone has been waiting for me to show up with this. Don't fast forward anything, AC/DC is good for you!
AC/DC - Its A Long Way To The Top If Ya Wanna Rock And Roll (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1iR2Wi3u5o&feature=youtube_gdata_player#)
Quote from: DianaP on February 16, 2013, 10:11:28 AM
Algebra for dummies:
Pickup line: Girl, you look tan(c)/sin(c) --> (sin(c)/cos(c))/sin(c) --> 1/cos(c) --> sec(c)
Lol. I'm such a geek that I even checked the math.
The snack that smiles back...until you bite their heads off. Goldfish!
Quote from: DianaP on February 16, 2013, 04:17:53 PM
The snack that smiles back...until you bite their heads off. Goldfish!
I haven't seen those commercials in years, but they still get stuck in my head every now and then! Goldfish commercial - 2001 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBDWLM2AphA#)
I just made that up. I never thought it was actually in a commercial! :laugh:
Quote from: DianaP on February 16, 2013, 04:29:25 PM
I just made that up. I never thought it was actually in a commercial! :laugh:
Really? I'm impressed that everything you said was in the song! * applauds *
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7059580416/h654CDAE6/)
I wonder if the car is a Trans-Am?
I almost peed laughing! :laugh:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.math-fail.com%2Fimages-old%2Ftestfail9.jpg&hash=3ab2fcbc5084d2795d4c67b88a8058478949ebbd)
Quote from: DianaP on February 16, 2013, 04:43:59 PM
I almost peed laughing! :laugh:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.math-fail.com%2Fimages-old%2Ftestfail9.jpg&hash=3ab2fcbc5084d2795d4c67b88a8058478949ebbd)
My calculus is rusty, but I think that math is wrong. When you take it to the power of n, I think you need to do it for the whole part, so instead of d/dx f(u)^n, I think it needs to be (d/dx f(u))^n, which of course makes the integration not produce the same final result.
Most math memes are off. That's why it's on mathfail.com. It was an intentional error that would go without being noticed unless you look at it hard. No need to ruin it. :P
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fglobal3.memecdn.com%2Fmaths_o_263565.jpg&hash=aa4259bf17d4ef3bd7cc444588b9c2c77472062b)
Lol that was a good one.
And on the last one, now you see why I chose an anti-social career field. I get so caught up in the details that people start veering away from me.
Quote from: Emily Elizabeth on February 16, 2013, 10:17:24 PM
And on the last one, now you see why I chose an anti-social career field. I get so caught up in the details that people start veering away from me.
For future reference: :P = Me being facetious.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FYkyh60o.jpg&hash=9503aaad99be6952659b6f51b4d78af046834696)
How do you call someone to fix your computer? Send him a techs message.
Quote from: DianaP on February 19, 2013, 08:58:21 PM
How do you call someone to fix your computer. Send him a techs message.
I also take email :P
But that's not funny. :P
How many Sinister Six members does it take to screw in a light bulb? 6. 4 to hold down electro and 1 to screw the light bulb into his mouth.
Quote from: DianaP on February 19, 2013, 10:18:20 PM
But that's not funny. :P
I thought it was... it was funny in my head!
I'm out to a couple of my friends now, and one was asking about children. I explained to him the options available to us, and then threw in "or I could get a bunch of cats!" which got the reply "Oh no! You're going to become a crazy cat lady!" :laugh:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTREkygo.jpg&hash=60aea57c4ff6d688fcf5d7fcd14b27c1cd007d62)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.olddog.name%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2FLoL_Smiley.gif&hash=a95f9afde86e6932f2feeb6f78deeb825845163b)
I'll force my self to laugh!
Quote from: dalebert on February 21, 2013, 03:29:31 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTREkygo.jpg&hash=60aea57c4ff6d688fcf5d7fcd14b27c1cd007d62)
Yes YES YESSSS!!!!
love this!
Quote from: dalebert on February 21, 2013, 03:29:31 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTREkygo.jpg&hash=60aea57c4ff6d688fcf5d7fcd14b27c1cd007d62)
That was awesome
Quote from: dalebert on February 21, 2013, 03:29:31 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTREkygo.jpg&hash=60aea57c4ff6d688fcf5d7fcd14b27c1cd007d62)
Well, it seems like that joke FORCED a lot of attention. Badum tsh! :P
patient:Doc, i want you to implant a penguin in my right arm & a penguin in my left arm
Doctor: why do you want a penguin in both arms?
patient:cause i wold look stupid with a penguin in only one arm!
Quote from: dalebert on February 21, 2013, 03:29:31 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTREkygo.jpg&hash=60aea57c4ff6d688fcf5d7fcd14b27c1cd007d62)
In keeping with the star wars theme :)
Incestual Realization Of Han Solo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQDvsf5lAp0#)
Q - Do you know why the animals in the zoo don't play cards?
A - Too many cheetahs.
Where do suburban lions live? On Mane Street. :laugh:
Hooters doesn't give waitresses job applications. The manager gives them bras.
"Here, fill this out."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I was walking to my local bus stop and saw this ad posted on a telephone pole.
For Sale: One knife, Near Mint condition, Used only on Friday.
Contact: R. Crusoe.
A guy was at a restaurant in Spain. He ordered bull testicles, but the restaurant was fresh out. The waiter told him to come back after the next week's bullfight. When he came back, he found two tiny things on his plate. He asked the waiter what was wrong.
"Señor, the bull doesn't always lose."
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FdadHcrQ.jpg&hash=d62c64d8fca303b894d8a74eeb90bdc72c90a954)
My girlfriend is quite proud of this one... It got old pretty fast!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs24.postimage.org%2Fxsleaf65x%2FUntitled_2.jpg&hash=1fe3f00c6f3cf087012fd1bd6d523adc01616547)
I went to a tractor convention at a local hall, I brought all my copies of tractor magazines and books with me. You could say I am a fan of tractors. Unfortunately all the other fans laughed at me and I decided right there and then that I wanted no more to do with them I was putting the world of tractors behind me, so I set fire to all my magazines and books. As the smoke poured off the fire people started to worry about the amount of smoke that was rapidly filling the hall but I didn't worry. I just opened my mouth up and sucked out all the smoke from all through the hall. Of course they wanted to know how I had done it. I just told them I was an ex tractor fan. Lol. Sorry. X
Steph, don't be sorry, that was so clever!
Who do Spartan cats despise? The Purrrrsians. :P
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FNhahtf1.jpg&hash=8f6084d7cfb6c6564ded87ebaf21b81dd36d3c33)
What's an astronaut's favorite candy? A marsbars!
What kind of music do planets listen to? Neptunes!
What do you call a tick on the moon? A luna-tick!
What did the alien say to the cat? Take me to your litter!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
(copied from my FB)
QuoteI am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.
So far I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz.
Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.
Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!!
:)
Alexander HAMilton
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F38LAkdK.jpg&hash=ea6f14dc88f35c3424afb471f8fe59bdf2e21309)
Quote from: dalebert on March 04, 2013, 05:40:23 AM
Alexander HAMilton
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F38LAkdK.jpg&hash=ea6f14dc88f35c3424afb471f8fe59bdf2e21309)
An ancestor of Stephen Colbert's Ham Rove?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.wikia.com%2Fwikiality%2Fimages%2Fe%2Fec%2FHam_Rove.jpg&hash=3c3969e9577a7406a5cbbeff83054853ec00d409)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FjT3N2If.jpg&hash=f5c82e423488c331d6ca2f3aaa4513f2608877ea)
Very punny, dalebert...
This is also what my face looks like after I've posted something in this thread.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FI3hKJ6y.jpg&hash=a5db5288e21ef3c5a6f2eacca0caa738d423d6c4)
Quote from: dalebert on March 05, 2013, 08:27:56 PM
This is also what my face looks like after I've posted something in this thread.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FI3hKJ6y.jpg&hash=a5db5288e21ef3c5a6f2eacca0caa738d423d6c4)
Funny...that's how people look at me when I'm with them...like they're expecting me to say something.... ???
Quote from: kkut on March 05, 2013, 10:07:41 PM
Women Take Biden's Shotgun Advice (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=A0IVSGctQIg#)
I declare teh winner of the Bad Jokes Thread!!
We have two cars. His and hearse.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FdS49fYh.jpg&hash=95f31a5bf28e79b6afe7990d1a0fba6f644f6741)
Quote from: Beth Andrea on March 05, 2013, 11:56:49 PM
I declare teh winner of the Bad Jokes Thread!!
I agree, that last one had me in stitches ;D
Quote from: Beth Andrea on March 05, 2013, 11:56:49 PM
I declare teh winner of the Bad Jokes Thread!!
I third this! The winner!
For some reason, my butt and right shoulder hurts now. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-9.gif&hash=42bd2ee88d4ddc91007b3b25799f543e9ee358f1)
Quote from: Ms. OBrien VT on March 06, 2013, 02:56:44 PM
For some reason, my butt and right shoulder hurts now. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-9.gif&hash=42bd2ee88d4ddc91007b3b25799f543e9ee358f1)
Oh, that could mean SO many things...
;)
(Actually, if the VP had suggested a
20 gauge shotgun, that would make sense...butt I degriis...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FmJVBweN.jpg&hash=764046bcaf09fffba3785f3f37616349fca9cfaa)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FtALPEXj.jpg&hash=dbeaaa39ee0f50118a4cb2becb166d511113d1e1)
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/734194_355709674542006_904291757_n.jpg)
Quote from: Ms. OBrien VT on March 09, 2013, 09:36:11 PM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/734194_355709674542006_904291757_n.jpg)
OMG ROFL
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FkBpgoGo.jpg&hash=3851b278983f4c37a550c0b6c4de69db912f3878)
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.brainlesstales.com%2Fimages%2F2013%2FMar%2Ftwisted.jpg&hash=a3bc330a2e050c0d69e6cc316fa3de791fad0058) (http://www.brainlesstales.com/2013-03-07/pennsylvania)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.brainlesstales.com%2Fimages%2F2013%2FMar%2Fpennsylvania.jpg&hash=6f1bbaf7b7b208dc438b6d16f0d7e9445ede6037) (http://www.brainlesstales.com/2013-03-07/pennsylvania)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.brainlesstales.com%2Fimages%2F2013%2FFeb%2Fwood-u.jpg&hash=02698389f770f587e12679dde919390224e16270) (http://www.brainlesstales.com/2013-02-19/wood-u)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.brainlesstales.com%2Fimages%2F2013%2FFeb%2Fcrowbar.jpg&hash=caf0a833dddbb55b1d6e24de95b7ec869aadc393) (http://www.brainlesstales.com/2013-02-17/crowbar)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FOPnvfLF.jpg&hash=a2da0044988219206d9af7fdb096906d58527c0f)
I Knew You Were Tribbles (When You Dropped In) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyMJAL4KPII#)
I went fly fishing and caught a 7 pound bluebottle
This has been my favorite joke for a long time.
Two nuns are returning from a trip into town for groceries. On the way home, its getting late and all of a sudden a vampire leaps onto the bonnet of the car and starts snarling at them. Sister Mary says to sister Josephine 'Oh no, whatever shall we do now!'. Sister Jospehine replies 'try the garlic!' so Sister Mary leans into the back and grabs the garlic from the shopping and hurls it out the window at the vampire, but it simply bounces off him and the vampire doesn't even flinch. Sister Mary says 'oh, no it didn't work! get the holy water', but sister Josephine replies 'we don't have any with us today', and so sister Mary says 'quick sister Josephine, show him your cross'. So sister Josephine rolls down the window and says 'get off my bonnet you stupid undead swine!'.
Steph :-)
x
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FCo3QSRW.jpg&hash=36b2d8c09ee30bc5ea077e9ab1c7ba99d79401d0)
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
...Finding half a worm.
???
:)
http://www.prosebeforehos.com/political-ironing/01/13/best-jon-stewart-quotes/ (http://www.prosebeforehos.com/political-ironing/01/13/best-jon-stewart-quotes/)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fcwkc2Iy.jpg&hash=17635d03dee026996ea82696bfa8a2e32531af72) (http://www.prosebeforehos.com/political-ironing/01/13/best-jon-stewart-quotes/)
This pic comes with a joke.
An Alabama dad who had been homeschooling his kids decided he would give public school a fair shake and sent his youngest son. At the end of the day, he asked his son what he'd learnt that day.
"Dad, I learned about pi r squared."
"I knew it! That school ain't worth a crap. Son, pie are round. Cornbread are square."
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FPYb50Iv.jpg&hash=e106736abb28dc4ecb6a3d29717774d5e5e5c0c4)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FfZMB7nM.png&hash=052d04ba874d874c66e2110ff7826d2d9296c381)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FqfxwPWZ.jpg&hash=2e895386c0960cf490f7c29ab822917889dc7bda)
Quote from: dalebert on March 14, 2013, 12:11:33 PM
This pic comes with a joke.
An Alabama dad who had been homeschooling his kids decided he would give public school a fair shake and sent his youngest son. At the end of the day, he asked his son what he'd learnt that day.
"Dad, I learned about pi r squared."
"I knew it! That school ain't worth a crap. Son, pie are round. Cornbread are square."
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FPYb50Iv.jpg&hash=e106736abb28dc4ecb6a3d29717774d5e5e5c0c4)
This one is fake, he would have said "I knowed it!"
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FBdtvSBm.jpg&hash=db411dc0a747ea06837e7c1651d748539cfec1f5)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FUAdXrfS.jpg&hash=26a0b71e59db7681389cbfe6a822516f1ccc700c)
I'm excessively Caucasian myself. I get skin cancer from a Florida postcard.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FNnCvq53.jpg&hash=127280826adc92bad3795375881e2ae91a069c2f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FZriPomE.jpg&hash=cbbc8cb89622dd53d05556d99d962dadb154cd82)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1186.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz368%2Fhazel_eyes1911%2Fme_neither_joke_big_zps4a3a2fda.jpg&hash=b5a8f3c684ae984d626e38473c7466edfdf74768)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FfBE8LeP.jpg&hash=f45ec7063f69b05c541e20bfa38f73f99c734873)
Five Cats & the Fonts They Represent
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7119466240/hF1235767/)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FUl6H346.jpg&hash=6475a9e66bd92d8dd1b7c73ce335e20f0cef1046)
What do you call an Irish lesbian?
Gaelic..
(https://i.minus.com/ipm3upaLBfJWr.gif)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FKLxBzt2.jpg&hash=57d910de56efa2c6f3c97696d533c48f44373e4c)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FDmgvQuc.jpg&hash=1489309dacfb3b34e3c7becaedda1cdb51fd33db)
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs ... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Such brilliance only comes with age and experience.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTBfRxXL.jpg&hash=aba021acf37329dfebc174df4c2a455cc94ef17b)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F7vyOs7G.jpg&hash=49cb52140c776a27848f79bb344a46833832b888)
After all, they say revenge is a dish best served cold. -George Takei
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FKqqiJ9M.jpg&hash=396d8cfbf528815e92a0c8ba59b85a5dca1ffbb5)
Does George know you repost all his jokes?
It's OK to be Takei..
Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on March 20, 2013, 02:34:53 AM
Does George know you repost all his jokes?
It's OK to be Takei..
Oh, he's just reposting them himself, but I do make a point to give him credit whenever I quote one of his wonderful puns. :)
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7150676992/h79CACA53/)
Two men walk into a bar.
One lost a tooth.
Quote from: dalebert on March 19, 2013, 07:15:57 AM
(https://i.minus.com/ipm3upaLBfJWr.gif)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1282.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa538%2Fhazel198713%2Flanda_zpsa5941bcd.gif&hash=c2041bee2485dfd75360ec33e379d90f30906779)
DNA = National Association of Dyslexics.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FdRAfs0W.jpg&hash=874733ff944edb5c15719b3050900db9b3b60a9e)
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(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F5lncUL5.jpg&hash=845af8c4e97b426aada46816d246c98b554585e8)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FcWCyp6p.jpg&hash=388743b0c1fbbe5875c647abd6df7534500042e2)
Well it does sound like it could be the name of a superhero or a giant Japanese monster-fighting robot.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FBNUVhS0.jpg&hash=538baec04a72c8b6607ddd4d340ef22929b25f1f)
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer paying with a £50 note.
'Oh dear doesn't look like I've got any change,' says the barman, 'Tell you what. I'll buy everyone else a drink with what's left. Okay?'
The man develops a stutter, 'F-f-f-f-f... F-f-f-f-f.. oh lord... F-f-f-f-f-f.'
'Well,; said the barman, 'You can't say fairer than that.'
I know this to be true because I work at home. Every day is take your cat to work day. It's hard to get stuph done. She's VERY jealous of my laptop. If I could engineer some way to be working on my computer while she falls asleep in my lap, I think she might be okay with that.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FXCTnvYB.jpg&hash=5970b05ab7355bcf24ea7ee21008d1414e4bc6a6)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FkTeg1it.jpg&hash=4a17468f9a30435f99c2d1643abe8d2b8186325e)
Quote from: dalebert on March 29, 2013, 11:26:26 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FkTeg1it.jpg&hash=4a17468f9a30435f99c2d1643abe8d2b8186325e)
HOORAY for TacoCat...or...taCocaT...
:P
That's one spicy pussy!
A doctor turns up looking somewhat dishevelled at the house of a woman whose husband is on his deathbed.
"I almost didn't make it," says the doctor, "what with all these loonies driving round in dirty cars with numbers on them."
"Oh don't worry about them," says the woman, "That's just the family rallying around."
Quote from: StellaB on March 30, 2013, 12:59:15 PM
A doctor turns up looking somewhat dishevelled at the house of a woman whose husband is on his deathbed.
"I almost didn't make it," says the doctor, "what with all these loonies driving round in dirty cars with numbers on them."
"Oh don't worry about them," says the woman, "That's just the family rallying around."
[Peanut voice@Jeff Dunham]THEY'RE MAKING A LEFT TURN!! OH LOOK, ANOTHER LEFT TUUUURRNNN..![ /Peanut]
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FJAZgbJV.jpg&hash=b49b0f45ed42c5d6a6b805fc3f76b0d2ca48bf3b)
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/392663_558453647520913_664308398_n.jpg)
What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog--it croaks every night.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fg4wdQpu.jpg&hash=bbe261f38defa78a1715b92d6680444b95ffd242)
I actually feel bad for this actor. I hear people come up to him and say horrible things. It's amazing how stupid people can be.
I hate licorice!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fn0L27Tk.jpg&hash=d5a7089b2508a8cd0f5a523ffc0034720140e7ff)
Quote from: dalebert on April 03, 2013, 07:50:40 PM
I hate licorice!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fn0L27Tk.jpg&hash=d5a7089b2508a8cd0f5a523ffc0034720140e7ff)
...Not if I am in the house. 8)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FKpWzElS.jpg&hash=09d675c7ed0cb8e1571f00681953b375592c4d25)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FcCo1sPZ.jpg&hash=442761cc24c9ff0c6c28610324fbbfdac9114721)
Yo, dawg. I heard you like dogs so I put a dog on your dog so you can pet two dogs while you're petting your dog!
Quote from: Beth Andrea on April 03, 2013, 11:06:57 PM
...Not if I am in the house. 8)
We'd be great roommates because I'd let you have all the licorice that ever approached within 20 feet of me.
Quote from: dalebert on April 04, 2013, 11:38:02 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FcCo1sPZ.jpg&hash=442761cc24c9ff0c6c28610324fbbfdac9114721)
Yo, dawg. I heard you like dogs so I put a dog on your dog so you can pet two dogs while you're petting your dog!
Too cool! 8)
Truth in advertising.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsteelcowgirl.files.wordpress.com%2F2012%2F05%2Fhorse.jpg&hash=1826bcb4e7607a17b78e45567c8a4cbdf0fe5ea9)
The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"
The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?
Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."
"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."
Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."
Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"
The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."
The Pen is broken...use fin ger
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1186.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz368%2Fhazel_eyes1911%2Fpenisbroken_zps4ecf0e81.jpg&hash=eed9e48ba627cde0bb81b1861a51363741d6819a)
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/544526_433407160084929_1205253771_n.jpg)
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/625652_539396889445150_221161633_n.jpg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FpGJbsZY.jpg&hash=a1f093caa87f5ac3b500d137332fb13c227b2b60)
Quote from: Ms. OBrien CVT on April 05, 2013, 08:19:08 PM
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/625652_539396889445150_221161633_n.jpg)
"I'm about to go to yoga class... and I have gas." -Johnny Knoxville
You know what Glenda is? I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with "witch"! ;D
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fcmx1oed.jpg&hash=c5540a62c48e6f5029f334af2174db65d2c31ff2)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FUArQDa5.jpg&hash=cc6baf44b7c0eb47d04ad5d24de75810bf8583f9)
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe Who?
Europe to no good!
The Nazis were all animal lovers.
How do I know?
The lot of them were veteran aryans!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffunny-pictures-blog.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F06%2FLOL_10.jpg&hash=a19651410be417a58e3f57ea59d599f2454ab4e7)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FXGwMZql.jpg&hash=c2c5fd60fe61ad2f3a4715372ed0407b2ed0ddb0)
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/482879_499070913473278_270145783_n.jpg)
Your Princess is in another console
* Hardcore gamers will get why the item in the picture is a bad joke, oddly enough i'm not a hardcore gamer just some one who watches pointless youtube videos :D, maybe should have put that in the confessions thread (or whatever it's called). [/ramble]
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRqi9FXXYMPp6umgFHR7a3GQVFMFuFDL0SqOxH3S0mM8d1-F0lVDw)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.indulgy.com%2Ft6%2FZ1%2FN%2F521995413029444897VPRsygSyc.jpg&hash=71d5d75a5f065788746451588557aa3d95bf48b8)
Quote from: Donna Troy on April 16, 2013, 01:29:29 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.indulgy.com%2Ft6%2FZ1%2FN%2F521995413029444897VPRsygSyc.jpg&hash=71d5d75a5f065788746451588557aa3d95bf48b8)
LOL!
A man was walking down a city street, when he noticed a store with many clocks and watches in the window. So he opened the door and walked in. He said to the proprietor, "I need to have the battery in my watch changed. Can you do that?"
The proprietor answer, "Sorry, I am afraid not. I don't know anything about watches."
The man was taken aback, and said, "Why not?"
The proprietor said, "Well, to tell the truth, I am the local mohel."
"But, what about all the clocks and watches in the window?" the man asked.
The mohel answered, "What else do you suggest I put in my window?"
Quote from: Jamie D on April 17, 2013, 06:56:32 PM
A man was walking down a city street, when he noticed a store with many clocks and watches in the window. So he opened the door and walked in. He said to the proprietor, "I need to have the battery in my watch changed. Can you do that?"
The proprietor answer, "Sorry, I am afraid not. I don't know anything about watches."
The man was taken aback, and said, "Why not?"
The proprietor said, "Well, to tell the truth, I am the local mohel."
"But, what about all the clocks and watches in the window?" the man asked.
The mohel answered, "What else do you suggest I put in my window?"
LOL! (And I knew what a "mohel" was, without googling that little "snippet" of a word... ;)
Quote from: Beth Andrea on April 17, 2013, 08:42:31 PM
LOL! (And I knew what a "mohel" was, without googling that little "snippet" of a word... ;)
I knew what it was too! I think they had one on an episode of Seinfeld once...
I had to look it up... ewwwww, but kinda funny in a sick way :P
What did the square say to the oblong? You're just a weird O
Sir Mix-A-Lot's "I like big butts" is a bum rap.
:/
Q: Which reptile is the funiest?
A: The stand-up chameleon!
Quote from: Beth Andrea on April 17, 2013, 08:42:31 PM
LOL! (And I knew what a "mohel" was, without googling that little "snippet" of a word... ;)
I wonder if he kept a scrapbook for the clippings?
Are you supposed to tip the mohel?
Quote from: Anna Michele on April 20, 2013, 09:12:49 AM
Are you supposed to tip the mohel?
already did...LOL (It's a good thing they don't want a 20% tip...one would leave with a little nubbers...)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia2.teenormous.com%2Fitems%2Ffeeds2.yourstorewizards.com%2F3175-images-200x200-7785-icon.jpg&hash=15992b308645678feaf16d3cf7097a32091aa63c)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1NAVJxr.jpg&hash=2f5fa056cf07c6cf8d724c96c1390a648890bbe5)
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/603693_650469568315833_1321875411_n.jpg)
Quote from: Ms. OBrien CVT on April 24, 2013, 10:22:34 AM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/603693_650469568315833_1321875411_n.jpg)
Oh CHUT UP!!! LOL...got me on all except for #8 (I did read #5), but did #9 anyway, just to be sure I had read an actual #5... :D
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FaUtEccv.jpg&hash=1c44446f4fda7b8c4973f73ca4e8ed687e2c257a)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1186.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz368%2Fhazel_eyes1911%2Ffort_zps82cc1c03.jpg&hash=c8bbe8f453692ea44f5cbc52ab9e275dea53bcdb)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lolroflmao.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F05%2Fdont-tell-me-what-to-do.jpg&hash=6389b3d970614390d3b717e64caa30bcd23a8e6d)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.fjcdn.com%2Fpictures%2FEustace_852896_1778047.jpg&hash=91b9401974e1869ee90063555c31ee82a67d2bb3)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F24.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_m494b1Zvh01ql0nudo1_500.jpg&hash=f7304e340dc02e384c573725a965f391878c2aa6)
I was at trivia with some friends earlier tonight. An upcoming category was "meltdowns" so we were discussing possible questions. Could it be Chernobyl? 3 Mile Island? Fukushima? Britney Spears? :laugh:
Quote from: Anna! :D on May 02, 2013, 09:50:41 PM
I was at trivia with some friends earlier tonight. An upcoming category was "meltdowns" so we were discussing possible questions. Could it be Chernobyl? 3 Mile Island? Fukushima? Britney Spears? :laugh:
Chocolate bars on a hot summer day...
The trophy room at Blackpool football club was broken into and the carpet stolen
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FEBQxTVt.jpg&hash=b2afeab1ac7aea5d69c90cc004aae8113da89de1)
Iron Man
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Too soon?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FNELIVmb.jpg&hash=4c09a1a764cb96af123ba38296f558181b61bef5)
New Night shift job.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lulztruck.org%2Fimages%2F2013%2FMay%2F3%2F51846d611addf.jpg&hash=8309a79dc56f2e40edca6eb7eca4cbacd438d3d3)
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7442690048/h3EF58F63/)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F8R2VXkd.jpg&hash=3ab59d918101f935c7a5c08cb4e15bc87e150a50)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lulztruck.org%2Fimages%2F2013%2FMay%2F4%2F5185ca8f70d54.jpg&hash=12c149d14ba7a1c577213cfa73ccf848c4bf9da4)
OMG Janet...what a wind-up!!
ba-daaa-daaaa-daaaah-TISH!
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7482927104/hBD08E2C9/)
Ok, so an Irishman walks out of a bar...
Why'd the football coach go to the bank?
To get his quarter back
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Ads Permanent Wave."
There's an Irishman moved in next door
Oh really?
No O'Riley!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.iwastesomuchtime.com%2F1092012014034iwsmt.jpeg&hash=0b5bd3f0e6953d5b1495a08c1f9187e99162d11c)
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7510438656/h9C502232/)
Quote from: Anna! on May 31, 2013, 08:03:00 AM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7510438656/h9C502232/)
Puns hurt people.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on May 31, 2013, 08:37:16 AM
Puns hurt people.
Are you missing a comma?
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(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7518338048/hDE2E4243/)
A young woman was at the doctors office for an examination.
The doctor asked, "What seems to be the issue?"
The young lady say, "Well doctor, every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The doctor said, "What are you doing for it?"
She replied, "Ground pepper."
To blondes and a brunette walk into a bar, the brunette ducks.
Quote from: Naomi on June 04, 2013, 03:30:30 PM
To blondes and a brunette walk into a bar, the brunette ducks.
This is why I'm never getting my hair bleached. I'm enough of a cloud cuckoolander
without looking the part. ^_^
To make you feel better Zoe, here's a non-blonde related bar joke. :P
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F0.tqn.com%2Fd%2Fchemistry%2F1%2F0%2FD%2Fj%2F1%2Fchemcat_h2o2.jpg&hash=58a350e464bafde413fc990e9fe185c772bd1f15)
"My dog goes for a tramp in the woods every day"
Does he enjoy it?
Yes but the tramp doesn't think it's much fun
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7511367680/hCDBB4E31/)
Quote from: Anna! on June 06, 2013, 01:23:03 PM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7511367680/hCDBB4E31/)
Ok, that one's almost unbearable.
Quote from: Anna! on June 06, 2013, 01:23:03 PM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7511367680/hCDBB4E31/)
Ah that seems a little grizzly to me.
What would you call the Spice Girls if you cloned them?
A: The Spliced Girls.
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7544682496/h1DDB8E15/)
I just helped a friend move and I feel like I could be in this comic right now:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimgs.xkcd.com%2Fcomics%2Fmoving.png&hash=a55e59da95a5b5cc0d7c14991d097f9745197c55)
21 Jokes Only Nerds Will Understand (http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/jokes-only-nerds-will-understand)
I went to the pet shop to buy my daughter a pet spider, they wanted $70. I decided to get one from the web.
There are two types of people in the world. Those who crave closure,
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/q84/1016369_663948736953129_1709683628_n.jpg)
Quote from: Constance on June 29, 2013, 01:38:12 PM
21 Jokes Only Nerds Will Understand (http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/jokes-only-nerds-will-understand)
Oh oh. I got 20 of them. :(
Quote from: Cindy. on June 29, 2013, 05:32:04 PM
I went to the pet shop to buy my daughter a pet spider, they wanted $70. I decided to get one from the web.
I believe that just might be a violation of the Terms of Service! ::)
Dirty joke warning:
was at dinner with ZoeM and one of my cis-friends tonight. We were talking about HRT and unfortunate sterilization. I mentioned that I had gone to a sperm bank before starting, and that I wasn't sterile before because the bank never told me to stop coming!
*Not directed at anyone particularly*
Was it Galileo?
- Galileo? -
Yeah, you know, the guy that discovered that the world doesn't revolve around you
Quote from: V M on July 14, 2013, 06:43:49 AM
*Not directed at anyone particularly*
Was it Galileo?
- Galileo? -
Yeah, you know, the guy that discovered that the world doesn't revolve around you
That's why we have coper knickers.
(Ok I'll explain next week)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FPnYIjBv.jpg&hash=99428295e48a02d2769298a5df1f56fa98b84bcf)
Quote from: Naomi on June 04, 2013, 03:30:30 PM
To blondes and a brunette walk into a bar, the brunette ducks.
You misspelled "two". Are you blonde? ;)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FcrNFjO3.jpg&hash=3f1c15b298e5e8e2d5d1d6ca0bab40a08f174330)
Someone broke into Blackpool Football Club's trophy room and stole the carpet
what do you call a bear caught in the rain? a drizzly bear!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fr5fKQf9.jpg&hash=7676e3b9eef4ce1ef06c76072f29be6c8386930b)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FDbcRFIR.jpg&hash=3afa92793fafaebdf07c842529ed2122b841f9f8)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9xOGHZw.png&hash=f56135df4a487e92e098a9dfdc5dd697a20f732a)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fp0wccts.jpg&hash=bbe1217b7ae2ff3b2a6cf5fa2b5e2db9d96fe7e7)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FvrV8pZS.jpg&hash=ecc744d3482eefab05042fa76caf02e756f22515)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F24.media.tumblr.com%2Fd19a085fd4f6c20ff91610ef7d8f7a8b%2Ftumblr_mocle2kxXy1sugxnyo1_500.gif&hash=3beb2ad83ed70cf8b44e905d85767d714f39a554)
He immediately concedes that it's a bad joke.
http://youtu.be/2ZD64822v7Q?t=3m30s (http://youtu.be/2ZD64822v7Q?t=3m30s)
Quote from: dalebert on July 22, 2013, 06:09:57 PM
He immediately concedes that it's a bad joke.
http://youtu.be/2ZD64822v7Q?t=3m30s (http://youtu.be/2ZD64822v7Q?t=3m30s)
"...That joke...makes me angry...."
:D
(I thought it was funny, myself)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FcJpPH9f.jpg&hash=c6f3619acc399a19f5ba046e72845fe311694cdb)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F8nm3lqk.jpg&hash=d8b4b59aedd55c52930b0b41722421897ea3e688)
Quote from: dalebert on July 23, 2013, 08:45:31 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FcJpPH9f.jpg&hash=c6f3619acc399a19f5ba046e72845fe311694cdb)
Bad joke, to be sure...250,000 civilians dead, no significant military target...just sheer murder on the part of the Allies... :(
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None: the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and orders 5 beers.
Now that roman one is bad.
Four tourists walking down the street, English, French, Spanish and German. They see a street performer but the crowd is to large so they shout for him to stand on a platform.
He does and shouts 'can you see me know?'
'Yes' 'Oui' 'Si' 'Ja'
*chuckle*
I have a few great jokes, unfortunately, I wish to remain having access to Susan's.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FLPmAqXg.jpg&hash=25c651cb295a518349171776d93478bae64e0676)
Quote from: LordKAT on July 25, 2013, 03:52:15 AM
I have a few great jokes, unfortunately, I wish to remain having access to Susan's.
I hear yah! I've slipped a couple times. Fortunately Susan's just deleted them and wagged a finger at me. I'm trying to be more careful now.
People here have been my life line more than once. Not something I'm willing to lose if I have the choice.
Catch Me If You Can - Knock Knock (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yn38I0Y-zqg#)
Quote from: LordKAT on July 27, 2013, 05:56:20 AM
People here have been my life line more than once. Not something I'm willing to lose if I have the choice.
You have lots of staff member that like Kats.
So as long as the Kat is good, he can prowl where he wishes, Growl.
Ooooh do that to me
:embarrassed: :laugh: :-*
Thank you.
C
Oh but Cindy,
When I'm good, I'm very, very, good.
But when I'm bad, ... I'm terrific!!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FYy8XpsV.jpg&hash=4d2b8ed11ccc3c804ffaa661d7c82e689cb3120c)
I know we have a lot of Aussies here. Please don't hate me!
OK Dalebert!!!
An Australian, American, Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar.
The American, Englishman and Irishman duck.
The bar runs away.
Quote from: Cindy. on July 27, 2013, 01:20:18 PM
OK Dalebert!!!
An Australian, American, Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar.
The American, Englishman and Irishman duck.
The bar runs away.
Are you sure they were ducks?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FR5JtfMz.jpg&hash=f041a3e3f03b853cbeb4a59ac6ddf93afd4ed473)
Quote from: SaveMeJeebus on July 28, 2013, 05:02:25 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FR5JtfMz.jpg&hash=f041a3e3f03b853cbeb4a59ac6ddf93afd4ed473)
But wrote a song about it!!!!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FiEo49sx.jpg&hash=66d91bd364ce9cf26f57b3b32f347f3d938896c9)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F4FZ7qG1.gif&hash=f3d08b9ffceadac413beb45b0ed13c8b5b142b41)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F5M0QHba.jpg&hash=1b1da555be1f32abf77d6986d16da3164f2ea09d)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FZXfGWAk.jpg&hash=71edf956edf7105a0adb817d3766689bd2941bd7)
What happens when people from different countries kiss?
They share cultures
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fts4.explicit.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DH.4726526729388139%26amp%3Bpid%3D15.1&hash=0643adbd725d95e68460c4a427780cc1e04d5950)
I've got a cute lil' hat
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fts3.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DH.4812181260665650%26amp%3Bpid%3D15.1&hash=0833872361a833c3eca82dd3aefccf6dbbdffdf5)
And I've got a cute lil' hat
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fts1.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DH.4727385713934636%26amp%3Bpid%3D15.1&hash=867f8904153a7edf674c675496911f7a1f9cc49c)
Rockin' a cute lil' hat here
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fd1.yimg.com%2Fsr%2Fimg%2F4%2Fc8063fe8-bb24-34fc-acc1-517eca10c51f&hash=f54151b7504c9726de7ed2c6e83b92051cf21b76)
Has anyone seen my cute lil' hat?
It's been missing awhile and I'm rather upset
There are 10 types of people in the world,
Those that understand binary and those who don't
Also, I just made this one up, sorry if its super lame:
There are two types of people, those that don't get mad when they can't come up with a good punch line for a joke and...dammit nevermind just forget I even started to tell this joke
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.schiesshouse.com%2Fa-guy-walks-into-a-bar.jpg&hash=93991506a36c4a9437ed6aa7abf77d8c39027885)
A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"
Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?
What happens if you catch a dirty cop taking a bribe in L.A. and call them on it?
You get arrested
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says, "To your house!"
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FqdZaqI5.jpg&hash=9c5104b3c4d36073e4fe33d518ba52e7fd3f6ad6)
Quote from: Cindy on July 27, 2013, 01:20:18 PM
OK Dalebert!!!
An Australian, American, Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar.
The American, Englishman and Irishman duck.
The bar runs away.
I'm part Irish and I'm offended!
Man: Doctor! Doctor! I'm having a problem with my bowels.
Doctor: And evidently your consonants, too.
Two men were golfing, and saw a pair of women ahead of them. The women were playing slowly, so one of the men said, "I'll go up there and ask if we can go by them." "Ok, sounds like a plan," said the other.
The first man walks about halfway there, looks, then comes back. "What happened? What did they say?" the second man asked. "Oh my, one of the women is my wife, and the other is my girlfriend. I don't dare show my face to either."
Ok," said the second man. "I'll go and ask them." So he gets about halfway, turns around, and comes back. "What happened? What did they say"? the first man asked.
Second man says, "Small world, ain't it?"
:-X
Meanwhile, in Australia:
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/4780081664/h37B41842/)
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blond hands
over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title,
and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls
as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank drives the car into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there. Two weeks later; the blonde returns and repays the loan and the interest somes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a bit puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies... "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Do you like Knock Knock jokes? I believe that the inventor of the knock knock joke deserves a "No-bell" prize.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FrJcTqA9.jpg&hash=ec9c7804d4868746058c0ef48a1d038d8c02682c)
Quote from: Beth Andrea on August 07, 2013, 05:36:46 PM
Ok," said the second man. "I'll go and ask them." So he gets about halfway, turns around, and comes back. "What happened? What did they say"? the first man asked.
Second man says, "Small world, ain't it?"
They should just become swingers. Problem solved!
Quote from: dalebert on August 10, 2013, 12:01:33 PM
They should just become swingers. Problem solved!
They are swingers...they play golf!
;)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fe9CGJ4A.jpg&hash=05a485cdbb5dfd66e4f553c70fe8aea5c15f7a55)
Is that Mr Ince the Blackpool Football Club Manager? This is the Police I have good news and bad news for you
OK what's the bad news?
There's been a break in and all the cups have been stolen
What's the good news?
They didn't take the saucers
Criss Angel and Houdini walk into a bakery. Criss palms 3 Donuts with one hand and puts them in his pocket without anyone noticing. He says, "Do you see how masterful I am Houdini, I make donuts disappear at will!"
Houdini responds, "Not bad, not bad at all." Houdini then goes to the Bakery owner and asks him if he wants to see a magic trick. The curious owner answers, "Of course!" Houdini proceeds to ask him for a Doughnut, and then eats it. He asks him for another one, and then eats it as well. He then asks him for a third one, which the owner reluctantly gives up. "So where is the magic trick? I gave you 3 donuts already!" Houdini responds, "Go check Criss Angel's pocket."
I was depressed, so I ate a bowl of cheerios.
Quote from: Dreams2014 on August 19, 2013, 11:38:06 AM
I was depressed, so I ate a bowl of cheerios.
Then I found out they were gloomios.
I had a co-worker named... I'll change the first name for anonymity sake since it doesn't affect the joke. His name was Frank Wong.
I made a sign for his office window that said "If you're looking for Frank, you're in the Wong place."
He said he had heard the joke a million times and he hated it. On a side note, apparently the surname "Wong" is more common in China than "Smith" here or something like that.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fd24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net%2Fphoto%2FaG9DQMn_460s_v1.jpg&hash=eceb41e060f0930e67f5e46dfe5e37a3f4d8a16e)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F24.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_m0krluTFxD1qkecwto1_500.gif&hash=1eb3f141d5682afa697c767a1627660c3df44c05)
Quote from: Fairy Princess with a Death Ray on August 23, 2013, 10:19:12 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F24.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_m0krluTFxD1qkecwto1_500.gif&hash=1eb3f141d5682afa697c767a1627660c3df44c05)
:o Oh my gosh! :D
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.addfunny.com%2Ffunnypictures%2Fhodgepodge%2F63%2Fbelowthebelt.jpg&hash=7b83b526759ae8d6f1758337551ed4b91e29c529)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimgur.com%2F9elpDBQ.jpg&hash=48d3204e82a5cdf9701b8eb7124a2773868cd6b7)
I'm not going to school any more Mum,the kids all hate me and the teachers keep picking on me
You've got to go son,you're the headmaster!
Quote from: big kim on August 26, 2013, 02:56:11 PM
I'm not going to school any more Mum,the kids all hate me and the teachers keep picking on me
You've got to go son,you're the headmaster!
LOL!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FXlkm1jN.jpg&hash=c08cc633ecb7fc94cb6f79ab3647eb3e037dea10)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F7xyrkP1.jpg&hash=e37d2c7aadcc49931ab50dd81e634373bc7ba77e)
So, I was walking through a little back-street market in Tel Aviv - y'know, the kind that sells peppers and $500 rugs - when I saw Satan basking under a gold-trimmed awning. Yes, Satan - horns, blackened skin, clouds of sulfurous vapors - the lot.
He sorta beckons me over, looks around conspiratorially, then whispers - in the deepest voice you've ever heard in your life - "Yo, man - wanna rent Hitler for a month?"
Nonplussed, I replied "Hitler?"
"Yep, Hitler. Great general, world leader, evil mofo - he can do your chores, make your bed, fetch groceries, take out those annoying neighbors..."
"Um.. That sounds great, I guess. How much?"
"Fifteen quid, twenty peso." Or your regional equivalent - I'm not up on pricing recently."
"Really? Why so cheap?"
"Can't say. But I will throw in Josef Stalin for free. Two-for-one deal. I insist."
I'm kinda suspicious at this point - it is Satan, after all. So I cross my arms, do my best to stare haughtily at him, and say with only a hint of tremor, "Ok. What's the catch?"
"Catch? Like, Halibut?"
"Catch. Like, what's the hidden downside? The trap? The small print?"
"Oh. Curse these modern colloquialisms..." He mumbles to himself for a couple minutes - something about "Back in my day", then recovers.
"No catch. No small print. No invisible ink." He hands me a contract. I look it over. On it is a single sentence: "I, the undersigned, do hereby consent to pay the sum of Fifteen Pounds, Twenty Pesos, and take possession of these two Evil Men for no less than the period of One Month, Unless they prove dissatisfactory, at which point they may be exchanged at any time. __________"
"This... Is too good to be true." I take out my pen and hurriedly sign my name to the bottom of the lease. Satan hands over a pair of leashes, and two familiar-looking men, backs scourged with the barbs of Hellish whips, materialize beside him.
"Thanks, dude!" I turn to go, marveling at my good fortune and the fact that I just thanked SATAN for something. But my curiosity gets the better of me and I turn back. "Satan, one question, if I may: Why?"
Satan smiles benignly at me. "Well, if you must know , for years now I've been hearing that people on the Surface World always choose the lessor of two evils.
And now," he grins evilly, "That's me!"
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FwxocAuX.jpg&hash=7e3d73a5164dd6a31e6f8f914cd5eb393b5ebd80)
Excuse me waiter there's a funny film on this soup
Oh dear would you like me to change it for a western
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi212.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fcc181%2Fskyy80%2Ffunny-lost-puppy-cartoon-comic-stri.jpg&hash=41eb2689814c86af0916f6c45e70aced7f840429)
Further confusing my gender identity...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn-www.i-am-bored.com%2Fmedia%2Fmalefemalecanadian.jpg&hash=adaeeec46840bb5350bfb10fedc6c7b93905f861)
Maddy, proud canuck.
Quote from: Fairy Princess with a Death Ray on August 30, 2013, 12:36:52 AM
Further confusing my gender identity...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn-www.i-am-bored.com%2Fmedia%2Fmalefemalecanadian.jpg&hash=adaeeec46840bb5350bfb10fedc6c7b93905f861)
Maddy, proud canuck.
it all makes sense now, i'm not male or female, I'm canadian.
Quote from: Fairy Princess with a Death Ray on August 30, 2013, 12:36:52 AM
Further confusing my gender identity...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn-www.i-am-bored.com%2Fmedia%2Fmalefemalecanadian.jpg&hash=adaeeec46840bb5350bfb10fedc6c7b93905f861)
Maddy, proud canuck.
I always thought there was something fishy going on up there
Quote from: Kia on August 30, 2013, 01:36:47 AM
I always thought there was something fishy going on up there
It says canadian, not flounder.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender!
:icon_pistoles:
LOL some funny stuff here!! I'll have to add some of my own shortly!! :)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fy7yfYzL.jpg&hash=0cbf1e59062f499f37a566dc43372ae748680bab)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhuMLpdnOjY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhuMLpdnOjY)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FKVKLZqr.jpg&hash=3744595b823dfacf4109492073299f8d39ed5a25)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FwSQJ1Kj.jpg&hash=f3bde2d3a595c684b10151e816f99e37309b1452)
Quote from: Glitterfly on August 31, 2013, 04:33:49 AM
...that's the worst joke i've ever seen xD
Yay! I win the thread! :D
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FCxQEcmF.jpg&hash=afe002a9ec790632b64a13a3c2f6112240e7b308)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fz6396rT.png&hash=b68a42d826d01192e6da270700d7f6c699d11721)
SOURCE (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,120547.msg1218370.html#msg1218370)
I needed to grill a fish, so the first question I asked was "Where were you last night?" followed by "Can you prove that?"
Everyone laughs about Mao serving up hir bits, but you know what that took to do? All together now...
(Edited for clarity. Also, why did I write Grr?)
Quote from: Mariax on September 01, 2013, 11:36:47 PM
Grr. Everyone laughs about what s/he did, but you know what that took to do? All together now...
huh?
Sorry, redone above. One of those days...
Why was the sergeant always picking holes in his soldiers?
He was drilling them
Quote from: Glitterfly on September 02, 2013, 12:14:07 AM
I get the reference but not the joke... :(
Starts with a b...
...and I feel terrible even telling the joke, just so we're clear.
Okay, one to redeem myself.
How many college professors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one... to tell his postdoc to do it.
Quote from: Mariax on September 02, 2013, 04:44:13 AM
Starts with a b...
...and I feel terrible even telling the joke, just so we're clear.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fus.123rf.com%2F400wm%2F400%2F400%2Fbokica%2Fbokica0906%2Fbokica090600008%2F5080747-collection-of-sport-balls--vector.jpg&hash=68402138d0c38adc94ca2ea020c60c66a815af64)
Whats green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Quote from: Alice Danielle on September 02, 2013, 05:05:09 AM
Whats green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What?! you never drove on the lawn?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F5sGuKiZ.png&hash=0b00b87398a86476bcc39608795a45dda170335a)
For more words like this one, check out this image (http://imgur.com/YOmvy8l).
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
Quote from: Alice Danielle on September 02, 2013, 12:59:29 PM
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
I had a snarky reply for this, but I can't remember it.
Quote from: dalebert on September 02, 2013, 08:25:55 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F5sGuKiZ.png&hash=0b00b87398a86476bcc39608795a45dda170335a)
For more words like this one, check out this image (http://imgur.com/YOmvy8l).
When I saw the image, my first--VERY first--thought went to this video, which I last saw OOOooh so many years ago...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn1-M5Ze0p8
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FFcDAdzN.jpg&hash=aecdc2f97f70498997cacba12448f73c98407323)
Quote from: dalebert on September 02, 2013, 11:37:50 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FFcDAdzN.jpg&hash=aecdc2f97f70498997cacba12448f73c98407323)
LOL!!
Now that *is* BAAAAAAaaaaaaddd....:D
For the grammar nazis:
1. A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
2. A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.
3. A question mark walks into a bar?
4. Two quotation marks "walk into" a bar.
5. A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink.
6. The bar was walked into by the passive voice.
7. Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They drink. They leave.
2 tigers walking down Blackpool promenade and one says to the other "not many people about today"
Quote from: big kim on September 03, 2013, 01:25:13 AM
2 tigers walking down Blackpool promenade and one says to the other "not many people about today"
Is that some kind of regional joke? I don't get it.
Quote from: Alice Danielle on September 03, 2013, 01:49:38 AM
Is that some kind of regional joke? I don't get it.
I might have it wrong, but I doubt too many people would be walking around if there were tigers about ;)
How many PhD's does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they would rather sit in the dark than do manual labour.
This is too true, my sister and her husband both have PhD's and can't do even the most basic household things. Scary.
Mind the size of a planet... Oh never mind.
Bad joke of my own design:
I like to tell people that I'm a Lieutenant in the LGBT army. ;)
Amy
Quote from: Amelia Pond on September 03, 2013, 11:14:51 AM
Bad joke of my own design:
I like to tell people that I'm a Lieutenant in the LGBT army. ;)
Amy
Clever!
Quote from: Amelia Pond on September 03, 2013, 11:14:51 AM
Bad joke of my own design:
I like to tell people that I'm a Lieutenant in the LGBT army. ;)
Amy
Does that mean you take orders from the Generals?
Quote from: Beth Andrea on September 03, 2013, 11:21:32 AM
Clever!
Thanks! :)
Quote from: Alice Danielle on September 03, 2013, 11:25:06 AM
Does that mean you take orders from the Generals?
No but don't tell them that or I might get court martialed. :P
What would that entail? Detransition? :icon_yikes:
*runs away*Amy
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fj1iTKb1.jpg&hash=081f9629bd83f6d6bec26495515d2071cdd342bb)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FwZEYShg.jpg&hash=f04fde8ce0eadc799eee17c2e7b738a5194f36bb)
Quote from: Amelia Pond on September 03, 2013, 11:29:14 AM
Thanks! :)
No but don't tell them that or I might get court martialed. :P
What would that entail? Detransition? :icon_yikes: *runs away*
Amy
Hmmm...."entails"....--> "entrails"....--> "giblets"...--> GBLTs...
Discipline shall focus on the GBLTs....*groans*
:P
Quote from: Beth Andrea on September 03, 2013, 03:04:42 PM
Hmmm...."entails"....--> "entrails"....--> "giblets"...--> GBLTs...
Discipline shall focus on the GBLTs....*groans*
:P
:laugh: You're way over thinking this. :P
Amy
"I have a dreamcatcher" -- MLK after his vacation in New Mexico
Quote from: Amelia Pond on September 03, 2013, 03:36:28 PM
:laugh: You're way over thinking this. :P
Amy
Overthinking is my specialty...it's whut I do, it's hoo I are...
:P ;) :P ;)
Quote from: Beth Andrea on September 03, 2013, 04:35:24 PM
Overthinking is my specialty...it's whut I do, it's hoo I are...
:P ;) :P ;)
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to break your brain. ;) :P
Amy
Daleburt, as far as yo mama jokes go, that ... is brilliant.
Quote from: Mariax on September 03, 2013, 10:59:10 PM
Daleburt, as far as yo mama jokes go, that ... is brilliant.
I wish I could take credit for it. Hey, on a totally irrelevant side-note, I did make this cool GIF all by myself!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FINg4eaa.gif&hash=fbba0a56b6cad5a2976f86257a67b20255fd425f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fts1.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DH.4823322427000796%26amp%3Bpid%3D15.1&hash=f63c1fda2925430b81757d7b098be2e431eabd23)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fts1.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DH.4711232385910880%26amp%3Bpid%3D15.1&hash=f00a0a498ff56ddabe772aab62b33a2b15062f52)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fts1.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DH.4565375307417876%26amp%3Bpid%3D15.1&hash=44c1752f0c0184feea29d789cdb890b51a1a7e14)
EVIL MOUSE
If you keep using Devlyn's quotes, there will be no more room for other bad jokes in this thread.
Why did the hermit crab cross the road?
Cause this side was getting just a little too crowded for its comfort.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FD6DAAXg.png&hash=a65572d7e9525dfc20f283f6a0b08de255c7ebfc)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FR81uoA6.jpg&hash=644cc580c29ab5824fa6a019519e3f04564fa66a)
Oh, wow! I had no idea I was getting (dis) honorable mentions in the bad joke thread! Does this mean I get flowers or rotten vegetables?
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 06, 2013, 07:35:20 AM
Oh, wow! I had no idea I was getting (dis) honorable mentions in the bad joke thread! Does this mean I get flowers or rotten vegetables?
I commend the jokes and reposting them was intended as flattery. However, I still have to offer the constructive criticism of phrasing your puns in the proper format, e.g. "Ameila is BANNED for using up all the BANNEDWIDTH of the 'You've been BANNED' thread." :)
Quote from: dalebert on September 06, 2013, 07:57:58 AM
I commend the jokes and reposting them was intended as flattery. However, I still have to offer the constructive criticism of phrasing your puns in the proper format, e.g. "Ameila is BANNED for using up all the BANNEDWIDTH of the 'You've been BANNED' thread." :)
Why is it always "Amelia is BANNED?" >:(
Amy
Quote from: Amelia Pond on September 06, 2013, 08:32:04 AM
Why is it always "Amelia is BANNED?" >:(
Because you're always the most recent post. That's the format. :)
Quote from: dalebert on September 06, 2013, 08:38:48 AM
Because you're always the most recent post. That's the format. :)
Touché
Amy
The Australian Federal Election
Quote from: Cindy on September 06, 2013, 09:10:16 AM
The Australian Federal Election
I feel pretty ignorant but that I would almost certainly find it hilarious if I did know.
Americans are generally pretty ignorant of anything happening outside this country, but in our defense, our government and mainstream media work really hard to keep us that way.
Quote from: dalebert on September 06, 2013, 10:24:20 AM
I feel pretty ignorant but that I would almost certainly find it hilarious if I did know.
Americans are generally pretty ignorant of anything happening outside this country, but in our defense, our government and mainstream media work really hard to keep us that way.
They have compulsory voting, so I'm guessing it has something to do with idiots who stay ignorant about politics but end up voting anyways because they have to. Voting for the person with the best name or something equally as ridiculous.
Quote from: Alice Danielle on September 06, 2013, 10:48:00 AM
They have compulsory voting, so I'm guessing it has something to do with idiots who stay ignorant about politics but end up voting anyways because they have to. Voting for the person with the best name or something equally as ridiculous.
Um, how many write-in votes does Mickey Mouse get each election?
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 06, 2013, 11:02:25 AM
Um, how many write-in votes does Mickey Mouse get each election?
I wouldn't vote for him...he's evil!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKgpKH2AH3s
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 06, 2013, 11:02:25 AM
Um, how many write-in votes does Mickey Mouse get each election?
I hear that Santa Claus gets quite a few also
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FcyFfcYJ.jpg&hash=9c7786ef6cddb0c0cf9094bce6badcd30d3a0215)
Quote from: dalebert on September 07, 2013, 01:20:45 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FcyFfcYJ.jpg&hash=9c7786ef6cddb0c0cf9094bce6badcd30d3a0215)
anyone care to explain?
Good one Cindy.
The best Joke yet on this post!
It's over now, voted early today.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BTpLI5MIcAABtfT.jpg:large)
Quote from: Amelia Pond on September 08, 2013, 08:43:00 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BTpLI5MIcAABtfT.jpg:large)
BRILLIANCE!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F08beUIL.jpg&hash=9b7e1b9f8cd4a4673c8cd6d3c1ec27e7cacd439a)
Quote from: Amelia Pond on September 08, 2013, 08:43:00 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BTpLI5MIcAABtfT.jpg:large)
I'm'a gonna steal dat...
I have a sneaky suspicion that some of you people are >-bleeped-<ors *cough*dalebert*cough*
So my bad joke! (more like nerdy joke)
A noble gas walks into a bar. The bar tender says "We don't serve your kind here. Get out."
He didn't react.
BA DUM CHHHHH
"Waiter have you got frog's legs?"
"Yes Miss"
"Well hop behind the counter and bring me a cheese sandwich"
(https://sphotos-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/971986_654652064567700_1927109515_n.jpg)
That inspired me.
A Dalek rolls into a bar. The bartender notices it and say, "Hey, get outta here. We don't serve daleks of you!"
(I am so, so sorry.)
Quote from: Mariax on September 08, 2013, 10:18:57 PM
That inspired me.
A Dalek rolls into a bar. The bartender notices it and say, "Hey, get outta here. We don't serve daleks of you!"
(I am so, so sorry.)
Your apology was the best part. :laugh: :P
Amy
You know it's a BAD joke when you feel the need to apologize for it.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FnslnHsr.jpg&hash=2ed82898b640f2ab3229c4405875a37a9719b80e)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FGhESoft.jpg&hash=e081456d9ba97a5a6bc052d0d9a17d105f3c4496)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FFNWyePl.jpg&hash=f8da20c8b65007cbd63c456a7952988d1737c66d)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTsnRMyB.jpg&hash=6c187095ba8861e969f07758caf1de9ab3ca4b0f)
This was funnier in February.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.meme.li%2Fi%2Fmuzer.jpg&hash=2477005319123e00eb0c164049ceb6d622dc4580)
2 goats are at the back of a Hollywood film studio and one is eating a film of the Godfather.The other one asks him what it's like
He said it's not as good as the book
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FQUeBsqD.png&hash=fceafca3613a59f754b8266dd84dfe323ccd24d3)
Quote from: dalebert on September 10, 2013, 07:54:20 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FQUeBsqD.png&hash=fceafca3613a59f754b8266dd84dfe323ccd24d3)
OMG! The tennis balls are the
piece de resistance!!!
Oh...would that qualify as a pun?
(https://sphotos-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1237116_746734822022640_1844662192_n.jpg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F2S8rQsk.jpg&hash=1c4af547f70f5f803cf3b3651d1a6f9a0c6be1dc)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ash3%2F555075_746914022004720_1206183142_n.jpg&hash=080a81f814af22fd38e98a8013e4a43d4e7e3b62)
This one is actually kind of funny.
(https://sphotos-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1236893_656171377749102_2009825130_n.jpg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-frc3%2Fq71%2Fs720x720%2F1174577_10151870884145170_508238584_n.jpg&hash=fe5bfa3819dc3ad911f06e3ae16767f631dd6fd1)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-prn2%2Fq71%2F1240281_656172591082314_1963362264_n.jpg&hash=318f2e1d1cb72d7a63e34a236417b477ff543354)
Quote from: Amelia Pond on September 10, 2013, 04:56:32 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-prn2%2Fq71%2F1240281_656172591082314_1963362264_n.jpg&hash=318f2e1d1cb72d7a63e34a236417b477ff543354)
I don't get it.
Quote from: Alice Danielle on September 10, 2013, 04:57:16 PM
Quote from: Amelia Pond on September 10, 2013, 04:56:32 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-prn2%2Fq71%2F1240281_656172591082314_1963362264_n.jpg&hash=318f2e1d1cb72d7a63e34a236417b477ff543354)
I don't get it.
The
strange wizard was the Doctor and he called Ron, Pond, as in Amelia/Amy Pond, the Doctor's former companion who also had red hair. ;)
Amy
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FakpmyRL.jpg&hash=29873f2a866db605bbc29e5483521285ad9a7b87)
(https://sphotos-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1236588_685743294786490_1643796856_n.jpg)
Dim Jim the biker club prospect goes into the timber yard and says"Have you got 48 4 by 2s?" to the guy behind the counter
"How long do you want them?" he asks
"A long time we're building a club house"
Quote from: Joules on September 10, 2013, 07:23:41 PM
A guy walks into a bar. He's carrying a dog, who has no legs, sets the dog on the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender serves him the beer then asks the dog's name.
The man says "He doesn't have one, he couldn't come if I called him anyway."
That's a different way than I've heard it told. There's actually a whole line of jokes along those lines.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter. He won't come when you call him anyway.
What do you call a dog who was just run over by a car?
Spot.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs on your front porch?
Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on your wall?
Art.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a lake?
Bob.
And so on...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FT0LFcCC.jpg&hash=784141ae6ee574954d73aa843388c3418b407036)
Quote from: Joules on September 11, 2013, 06:50:29 AM
I think your right dalebert, I prob didn't remember that joke in the best angle. You told it better. However, this is a bad joke thread, how do you tell a bad joke wrong?
Not wrong. Just differently than I'd heard before. :)
Not a joke, but thought this was a good place for it anyway. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ov-kXSS1_yc
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9Veyf0t.jpg&hash=93417c8f94b145fd9c4776daeb0bbd3b1ba38e59)
Quote from: Jamie D on August 28, 2013, 01:53:53 AM
I think we need to be very careful about all this. I remember when the scientists started experimenting with in vitro fertilization. They had several failures before they had a success.
In fact, though it is not well known, the first child born through this method came out all covered in bacteria, fungus, and mold.
Which just goes to show you, "Spare the rod, spoil the child."
(https://sphotos-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1234518_747642858598503_598900856_n.jpg)
(https://sphotos-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/575244_656471484385758_1095752987_n.jpg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FNYjJF95.jpg&hash=44fce79254cbc07e39eca6b06499bdf162db3a01)
I wonder how many folks here are too young to get the reference.
Quote from: dalebert on September 11, 2013, 04:55:58 PM
I wonder how many folks here are too young to get the reference.
I don't know.
THIRD BASE!Amy
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FME7JKEm.png&hash=a0996275be3c795262b88a17cdd830ad50a27f36)
(https://sphotos-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1237941_656493171050256_1141445375_n.jpg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FqKkknTf.jpg&hash=ef68d4fbde27d7c730a02ecadf16c1d8cbdc786c)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F4p92Nlb.jpg&hash=5fe8af645bf6c4a4f7a56546489e1c0889f5be5d)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FDYx4c7D.jpg&hash=1cad5f464d35e6b1da08e95257b05cc8c9457ebe)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FDrYIMtC.png&hash=a3d175789e5e37db4d8c9f79601273f7d19bdecc)
(https://sphotos-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/582069_747838848578904_1271914328_n.jpg)
(https://sphotos-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/561952_592382074138410_70949762_n.jpg)
Quote from: Amelia Pond on September 12, 2013, 12:33:20 PM
(https://sphotos-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/561952_592382074138410_70949762_n.jpg)
Much funnier than the "joke" you posted in the Good Jokes thread.
Quote from: Alice Danielle on September 12, 2013, 12:35:35 PM
Much funnier than the "joke" you posted in the Good Jokes thread.
It's good jokes AND funny quotes and what I posted is funny if you're a Doctor Who fan. I can't help it if you don't watch good television. :P
Besides, if you don't like my posts in the other thread then post some new stuff. ;)
Amy
Quote from: Joules on September 12, 2013, 02:10:18 PM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7787749888/h45EAAAD5/)
That is bad. Wow.
Quote from: Joules on September 12, 2013, 02:10:18 PM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7787749888/h45EAAAD5/)
SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!!!1!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1186.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz368%2Fhazel_eyes1911%2FShut-up-and-take-my-money_zps15199e54.jpeg&hash=5e400ef85c2af5edadb8317064273ddffd27e66c)
Quote from: Beth Andrea on September 12, 2013, 08:18:36 PM
SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!!!1!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1.kym-cdn.com%2Fphotos%2Fimages%2Fnewsfeed%2F000%2F261%2F228%2Fe52.png&hash=883723d9a0bd277278f3d74d72af47cbd7bf4aa2)
No offense meant, just find it funny when I see the "1" after exclamation points.
Those are some rather odd looking smiling bunnies you've got there Alice
Quote from: V M on September 12, 2013, 09:06:16 PM
Those are some rather odd looking smiling bunnies you've got there Alice
Hahahahaha I almost posted a "What are you talking about?" to this. I like the yellow and orange ones with 5 eyes and 5 ears the most.
Post nuclear holocaust bunnies are always entertaining :D
Quote from: Alice Danielle on September 12, 2013, 08:21:43 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1.kym-cdn.com%2Fphotos%2Fimages%2Fnewsfeed%2F000%2F261%2F228%2Fe52.png&hash=883723d9a0bd277278f3d74d72af47cbd7bf4aa2)
No offense meant, just find it funny when I see the "1" after exclamation points.
The idea behind the "1's" is that when a person is SO excited that they use {shift} + ! (which is the "shift" for 1), sometimes, in their excitement, the "shift" key slips out from under their finger(s), resulting in a "1" where an exclamation point should be!!!!1!!!!!!!11!11
Some people, if you can believe it, even type out the number(s)!!!1!one!!!!11!!!eleven!!
I do it with all deliberation!!!!1!!4...just because it makes me laugh.
Ha. Ha. I'm a regular riot. At least, that's what the officers tell me...my hearing is in a few days.
eta: this is the fourth (fifth?) frikkin' time I've edited this stupid post!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F4LlbN.jpg&hash=0a44fe598dadbb7802b95729acf69828bc466ecd)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FHjfzXEp.jpg&hash=2ced0b05163e349b70713737dede8a3761e36a33)
(https://scontent-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1187077_657467910952782_664960781_n.jpg)
The periodic table (http://i.imgur.com/o8akZfe)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FaYcWgtz.jpg&hash=9a9b11760580e9738eed574f5a44e641c37460ed)
Quote from: dalebert on September 13, 2013, 11:40:50 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FaYcWgtz.jpg&hash=9a9b11760580e9738eed574f5a44e641c37460ed)
:icon_no:
Quote from: dalebert on September 13, 2013, 09:16:56 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FHjfzXEp.jpg&hash=2ced0b05163e349b70713737dede8a3761e36a33)
omg, perfection. But I'd be worried about getting shot.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FRbNdo.gif&hash=6275f83742ca6e6c3ef74b0f340e0feedd0c3b3e)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FU62BAM8.jpg&hash=38622a07c6c3b12904127c4e17a949f56db20efb)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FCFPcktY.jpg&hash=b471415450078f7115d8f60156893fffe57f89df)
Quote from: Joules on September 12, 2013, 02:10:18 PM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7787749888/h45EAAAD5/)
OMG!
Quote from: dalebert on September 14, 2013, 12:37:30 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FU62BAM8.jpg&hash=38622a07c6c3b12904127c4e17a949f56db20efb)
I'm crying :laugh:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F7rgyzZG.jpg&hash=2adc94e4947e775220e203c06203608ba6764d44)
Putin on the Ritz.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi649.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu213%2FYaktung%2Fputin2_auto_zpsc03c6fcd.gif&hash=bac1a372b207ff6705ec7664c4af5f8a461d336a)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FxnwK0If.jpg&hash=1c0bf5fef33de99e4a37e1953f8677853bead9c0)
(https://scontent-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1240144_656848007681439_1406438380_n.jpg)
Quote from: dalebert on September 13, 2013, 10:02:53 AM
The periodic table (http://i.imgur.com/o8akZfe)
I want one!! :D
Picture of your mom (http://i.imgur.com/DLEA2iD.jpg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F7vG7T.jpg&hash=6f101e004f0ec24f2ca83fa42ade6c07f9586b4c)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1UUOsYu.jpg&hash=d5a3a1f4ef6dfe56e14850354c046d36d0f842a3)
(https://scontent-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1186107_749279818434807_1082322910_n.jpg)
(https://scontent-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1235078_573087916090923_95149650_n.jpg)
(https://scontent-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1236574_748831658479623_1290760382_n.jpg)
Quote from: Amelia Pond on September 14, 2013, 05:55:27 PM
(https://scontent-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1186107_749279818434807_1082322910_n.jpg)
Americans do all the assimilating in this continent.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmatureservices.org%2Fmsistore%2Fimages%2Fmeltingpot.jpg&hash=3cd76a569d35d5950443d715f27a5ad3425af731)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FLZuTWWv.jpg&hash=2f6d9a031962572b84a3828b046466440013bc1f)
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(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FU8u9GHj.png&hash=34444dde57a2c79789c27bb435e81d39b9cad4ef)
This joke is worse than bad. It's downright cruel!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FHrdzzNv.jpg&hash=fc97b9e52d50fef01905631627ed16bb3ff2527e)
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(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F24Zul4Z.jpg&hash=032d418f2c7e35c708744d6d12d0dd8fff2d63d5)
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Quote from: dalebert on September 16, 2013, 07:10:54 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FhsC9vCN.png&hash=432dffebd5e1e0d29421b344111351360bc98d91)
I love it. Definitely has to be Macaulay Culkin playing the main role too.
Quote from: Alice Danielle on September 16, 2013, 07:13:20 AM
I love it. Definitely has to be Macaulay Culkin playing the main role too.
I can see why he might get left behind. He needs to eat a cracker or something.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F6ZmShbP.jpg&hash=83df45a252c28919d8f23a70caaba5ff7994a0cc)
Quote from: dalebert on September 16, 2013, 07:23:56 AM
I can see why he might get left behind. He needs to eat a cracker or something.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F6ZmShbP.jpg&hash=83df45a252c28919d8f23a70caaba5ff7994a0cc)
Setting traps to stay away from his dealer that he owes money to.
This is baaaaad. Kids, don't try this at home.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpQEAXPngXw
Pot Heads (http://i.imgur.com/Z5DrEQq.jpeg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Frobbiebonham.files.wordpress.com%2F2012%2F10%2Fbigod11.jpg&hash=aa3b5f4a95f1f898fb649b4eb4f29042e4920a9a)
(https://scontent-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/555583_750946534934802_1852523941_n.jpg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.pcgamer.com%2Ffiles%2F2010%2F06%2Fcurse-you.jpg&hash=e77c09865c3e6fbe6aeb162653cf7472703b8f6f)
Quote from: Just Maddie! on September 16, 2013, 08:30:04 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.pcgamer.com%2Ffiles%2F2010%2F06%2Fcurse-you.jpg&hash=e77c09865c3e6fbe6aeb162653cf7472703b8f6f)
You made me want to go play Monkey Island. :laugh:
Queen Amy
Quote from: Amelia Pond on September 16, 2013, 08:37:06 PM
You made me want to go play Monkey Island. :laugh:
Queen Amy
I'm in a retro LucasArts mood. ;)
Quote from: Just Maddie! on September 16, 2013, 09:02:35 PM
I'm in a retro LucasArts mood. ;)
There's nothing wrong with that. ;)
Queen Amy
Quote from: Just Maddie! on September 16, 2013, 09:02:35 PM
I'm in a retro LucasArts mood. ;)
Best game of 1995: The Dig (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dig)
(https://scontent-a-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/995167_10151650811027285_374713189_n.png)
To make a bad joke even worse. In the New 52 continuity, Lois and Clark were never together. Superman and Wonder Woman got together! HA! I just made myself sad. :(
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FgPOERWB.jpg&hash=e076770f437100ece9c660c45096f7006c4866e0)
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Quote from: dalebert on September 17, 2013, 06:57:32 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FzusPWIy.jpg&hash=9cbe1ceca6afc10a00d0059e3f931195ea2725b1)
I think you need to be a certain age in order to get that. And, yes, I know it's on Youtube.
Quote from: Mariax on September 17, 2013, 07:10:07 PM
I think you need to be a certain age in order to get that. And, yes, I know it's on Youtube.
I'm confused about the YouTube reference and also the being a certain age to get the joke. Isn't it just a play on the "If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
Quote from: This is the displayed name that people will see. on September 17, 2013, 07:13:52 PM
I'm confused about the YouTube reference and also the being a certain age to get the joke. Isn't it just a play on the "If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
There's that, too, but the whole I've fallen and I can't get up deal is from an emergency response service for the elderly from the early nineties. When it started airing, everyone in school was saying it. Let me see if I can find it.
Edit: Found it!
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bQlpDiXPZHQ&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DbQlpDiXPZHQ
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FC9xLatr.jpg&hash=f3b8b8fd2acb10e5a47c454f47ba5ee3a601c122)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FxnTv379.png&hash=03332a4312d2424297e8a294b9b0496b90827ed3)
Quote from: dalebert on September 17, 2013, 10:46:27 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FC9xLatr.jpg&hash=f3b8b8fd2acb10e5a47c454f47ba5ee3a601c122)
I would so play this.
Quote from: This is the displayed name that people will see on September 17, 2013, 10:49:48 PM
I would so play this.
We used to play something similar at home, but we used biscuits, and instead of a hot pepper it was a clump of baking soda. Not so much a game, I suppose, as bad cooking.
"Well you might say Sci-show has got you covered." -Hank @ ~30 secs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7nlo-CseGQ
(https://scontent-a-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1004542_752299718132817_670199667_n.jpg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FRjfnBuV.jpg&hash=33cefd8412ad364a21bdbe7880252da28ccbf385)
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(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FNdsiK36.jpg&hash=b7591e97f92aab93f2ac7cd519d248ee238655fc)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FMAmCJQa.jpg&hash=fe8157294f6d2acf23b27d604ecb4e74d28a822a)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FXKvE6BA.gif&hash=b1fbe4578ca5fc6a38e265e2f1703031aa427b39)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FQt8qGyd.png&hash=13864fe7b505ded3d94731cf58f559400b4a6b82)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FSj7oV3o.jpg&hash=ee17ffaec6cf657aad6b986433432ea32f3fcec9)
(https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1235474_753324254697030_144707739_n.jpg)
(https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1235981_662392337127006_1554661994_n.jpg)
(https://scontent-a-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/625431_754079777954811_763399561_n.jpg)
Quote from: Amelia Pond on September 20, 2013, 11:16:22 AM
(https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1235474_753324254697030_144707739_n.jpg)
(https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1233478_596744077036166_1147643865_n.jpg)
Sometimes bad jokes are worse together. :eusa_doh:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FlWegJ3J.jpg&hash=b21ff002fc870b01a0b58d7799467035643d0594)
(https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/389026_458925354186148_1727899527_n.jpg)
(https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1209106_10151684373242717_2120469495_n.jpg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FRptx1nW.jpg&hash=cea836f25a04515188602132dd8503aa8d0fd686)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FLmDZtVc.png&hash=84a5b75eeccfc8eaa49659b949e7a85074a70f0f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FYwDgj4C.jpg&hash=b3c08d3c0c6fad9b863431c0de110c795e1e530d)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FckbNWVc.jpg&hash=149201240ad37d18fa5b27b2c80e3d21916ea66c)
Unstable horse (http://imgur.com/n5oXYRc)
(https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1237137_754641931231929_1370714858_n.jpg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fassets.amuniversal.com%2Fdbdf6750e8ba012feed7001dd8b71c47%3Fwidth%3D900&hash=1cbe76521aa7e959f4d1592707ac4000e8b42839)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffbtrouble.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F01%2Freal-names-for-products-thumb.jpg&hash=ba0c24714f2280d3ec2ebe4496492c572110943c)
Tramp stamp (http://i.imgur.com/s16CtGT). (SFW)
Quote from: Liam Erik on September 21, 2013, 10:38:59 PM
I once came home, went in and greeted the dog, went back out, glanced behind, and saw the dog sitting on the roof. It was surreal.
Was it a blink dog (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blink_dog)?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FIWBGNRF.jpg&hash=b2fe93e03d11664e4d75ced48f419eb4617df739)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F7iXPj5i.jpg&hash=05ace8df5b586f9b6e31a4f1d863f24e8d05b527)
What did Earth say to other planets?
- "Wow, you guys have no life."
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FY2xshYg.jpg&hash=d31c7a22d619338638a752d4e0a1c568eb2bf3d1)
knock knock? whose there? light. light who? light you wanna know.
The many faces of Heisenberg (http://imgur.com/a/A7KQ3).
This one's REALLY bad. I feel terribly guilty for laughing because I admire R.J. Mitte so much... but I laughed. :embarrassed:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fh5lFH1w.jpg&hash=76eca1b487b1f1bd382c078e0d07ee4f4bb74534)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FZlVh8oU.jpg&hash=9e380ecde4a9a2fa21dc38fc6500a6008ce1d7e7)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fz1Mkpbv.jpg&hash=f59094c74a04f5165915241c48f39f29d1e9fc9f)
Pacificly (http://youtu.be/kdokg24pXzc?t=23s)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FO4Ejw.gif&hash=b4bbe6dcffff3f88d1d5839db2882167d398a622)
Don't worry. I'm sure it's fake. Buses are only that quiet and sneaky in horror movies.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FFx8EG06.jpg&hash=c6a4ab0398915e1c4ffbefcafecf778877474f44)
Give it a moment...
Ah, word play, very nice dalebert!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FqtmIiUq.jpg&hash=9bd8dabb0fa29d0ea37875e022b18c202e0c9b94)
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I'm literally in tears from laughing so hard.
Quote from: dalebert on September 26, 2013, 08:41:43 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fw94k4VY.jpg&hash=1cf61e015c4675743c29bd269c8df2fd59a3f747)
I'm literally in tears from laughing so hard.
ROFL :D
Blind guy walks into a bar with a seeing eye dog. He then reaches down and picks the dog up by the tail snd start twirling him over his head.
Bartender says" Damnit man, what are you doing?"
Guy replies, " Just looking around."
Quote from: dalebert on September 26, 2013, 08:41:43 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fw94k4VY.jpg&hash=1cf61e015c4675743c29bd269c8df2fd59a3f747)
I'm literally in tears from laughing so hard.
I have to remember never to drink anything when I read this thread...
(https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1378143_10151697617062717_806791603_n.jpg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FFMXrUzf.png&hash=307275814c2657332a08d9a35454dcbb0a1fe429)
Here are todays football results Real Madrid 2 Surreal Madrid fish
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FjZdgAg3.jpg&hash=370ff746fe10e65879afdd10462ae4750ef45183)
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/943350_450981911681336_2106134845_n.jpg)
Found this this morning...
I love spooning my girlfriend.
"Here comes the airplane!" I always say.
Quote from: Mariax on October 01, 2013, 05:29:14 PM
Found this this morning...
I love spooning my girlfriend.
"Here comes the airplane!" I always say.
I don't get it
Quote from: <3 on October 01, 2013, 05:30:06 PM
I don't get it
Have you ever fed a toddler mashed carrots?
Quote from: Mariax on October 01, 2013, 08:02:50 PM
Have you ever fed a toddler mashed carrots?
Yeah I got that part of it, just didn't see how that related to spooning. I never thought to think of spooning in the literal sense. Funny
(https://scontent-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/1186695_761842903845165_68155212_n.jpg)
A man was shipwrecked on what he thought was an uninhabited island. There was a reef and porpoises frolicking in the lagoon. On the beautiful sandy beach he noticed two lions sleeping soundly. Their bellies were bulging and they'd obviously had a full meal and were sleeping it off. Just a bit further down the beach a faded sign was posted: By Order of the Government Swimming in the Lagoon is Against the Law!
It was strange, he thought.
He was hungry, but the only thing he could see that might be edible were some seagulls. With stones he managed to knock down two of the birds.
Just then, far beyond the barrier reef he spotted a ship. "Wow!" he thought to himself. "I'm going to keep these birds in case I get much more hungry and swim out to those dolphins. They're supposed to be friendly to people and maybe I can get them to take me out to the ship and I'll be rescued."
So, tucking the birds under his arm he ran down the beach, jumped over the lions and ran into the water.
Just then, a policeman ran out of the woods and placed him under arrest.
"What for?" asked the guy.
" For carrying gulls across sated lions for illegal porpoises," said the cop.
What do you call a cow with two legs....lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs......Ground beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs...Doesn't matter , it's not gonna come running.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FXAALLGF.jpg&hash=637b81c57413b8156033243d983bbebfcb53c58a)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on October 01, 2013, 10:42:17 PM
What do you call a dog with no legs...Doesn't matter , it's not gonna come running.
What do you call a dog that's been hit by a car?
Spot.
A man asked a dog what a dog's life was like. The dog answered, "Rough."
What does Dora the Explorer and Internet Explorer have in common?.. and it isnt the same word either....
They take for ever to do one stupid simple task. :) ok, i will put my nerd flag up. :icon_lemon:
Did anyone remember to wake Billie Joe Armstrong up?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F5M2Dffc.png&hash=53746f0ba9c3f945e9cabd22ef4cf60053fc2267)
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This si not a bad joke, but I will share it.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv519%2Fbeme1248%2Fkasihnya%2F557190_10201101706122146_695094413_n.jpg&hash=9bf9805482ba34ac4d5a962e1ebc4b72d3eb98c6)
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
Quote from: alexjrogers on October 03, 2013, 11:39:40 AM
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
lol.
What bird do you eat with every meal??
A swallow
What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A raisin
What are you SINKING about??? Gotta love Germans.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR0lWICH3rY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR0lWICH3rY)
Quote from: Ксениа on October 03, 2013, 11:55:58 AM
What are you SINKING about??? Gotta love Germans.
Lol, my boyfriend is Swiss, he speaks better english than I do!
Three guys are on a boat and they have four cigarettes, but no lighters or matches or anything to light it with. What do they do?
They throw one cigarette over board and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
:laugh:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FUNqKzxD.jpg&hash=e26eb6a1d35a77514ae7488f029a5a681a02e577)
(https://scontent-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1380751_10151919575160170_1689310477_n.jpg)
Quote from: Amelia Pond on October 03, 2013, 01:40:05 PM
(https://scontent-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1380751_10151919575160170_1689310477_n.jpg)
Love it!
(https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1375032_356878257780144_1909427733_n.jpg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FURfAMKP.jpg&hash=692825b85b0190929faf67046113f078e34048e1)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PC48HhKRDGY
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FwH18vhU.jpg&hash=9ee418fd76d673398d1260a86fbeecf87eb59568)
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick
Guy walks into a bar with a big box and sets it on the counter. He asks the bartender if he's in the market for entertainment for his bar and opens the box. Inside is a tiny man and a tiny baby grand piano. The guy nods at the little man and he begins playing beautiful music on the piano.
"That's amazing! How'd you manage to find this little fella?"
The guy is frowning. He sighs noticeably and says "I freed a genie and he granted me a wish. I guess he was either a prankster or just hard of hearing."
"Why do you say that?" asks the bartender.
"Do you really think I would wish for a 12-inch pianist?"
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F7JzxW.jpg&hash=bbe5089880d3913d2494d548ffd31a243159f4d9)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F2Bm8oVl.jpg&hash=c7df8f895ed53ea453139a6ee9a077777eaee1b2)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FlAlRrML.png&hash=c15c1823496401d408f7a633836935ef09dc7d60)
This fridge has a massive leak. (http://imgur.com/59cmXTW)
Is this where I get off? (http://jaymekohler.com/wp-content/uploads/mm/i/foundporn/climax.jpg)
Submarine racing (http://imgur.com/FHQy5tb)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FoM0c0m1.jpg&hash=3fbeb71b40bd13362af65992f5025c5c482a4c1f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FyxE4Rjh.jpg&hash=b0c89237b81e9839a482364b8d5e5b299806e26f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F0Y2MOTe.jpg&hash=47627a92c22ca8b18346bd3066e211f0b898adee)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FSgHGjKE.jpg&hash=44985eae4f45c7bd3e6e52a856e231b976784237)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FPhNAh53.jpg&hash=692275a6fced29901223ec60f3bab4a0f7545371)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F0msaXZz.jpg&hash=126476b83d0ab96caaae5571da57c5b1aaa0cab5)
This one isn't just bad. It's awful.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FHFA1kYK.jpg&hash=95a8e36db26f23eb90f09454474f0844a6dd8162)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FaPr0CXO.png&hash=fd883a943d20fcb1e71b10227436597269170493)
Quote from: dalebert on October 09, 2013, 11:35:34 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F0msaXZz.jpg&hash=126476b83d0ab96caaae5571da57c5b1aaa0cab5)
That's a repeat! Shenanigans! Everyone get your brooms!
Quote from: dalebert on October 10, 2013, 08:18:33 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FaPr0CXO.png&hash=fd883a943d20fcb1e71b10227436597269170493)
Hmmmmm, still working on this one!
I won't be upset if someone decides to delete this one.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1jf2plE.jpg&hash=a462a7dee32ef420534b1f2ce297032eb2ba00f5)
Quote from: dalebert on October 10, 2013, 08:18:33 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FaPr0CXO.png&hash=fd883a943d20fcb1e71b10227436597269170493)
Here's a couple hints. The first one represents this time of the year. The second one represents a popular event that happens around this time of the year.
Quote from: dalebert on October 10, 2013, 08:49:29 PM
I won't be upset if someone decides to delete this one.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1jf2plE.jpg&hash=a462a7dee32ef420534b1f2ce297032eb2ba00f5)
Why delete when it will be so much more fun running you out of town on a rail!
So that's where the derailed threads rails went. Happy birthday Dalebert.
Quote from: dalebert on October 10, 2013, 08:50:45 PM
Here's a couple hints. The first one represents this time of the year. The second one represents a popular event that happens around this time of the year.
Octobear Fest?
I believe Octobearfest to be the correct answer :) Dalebert's B-day isn't 'til Jan.
Quote from: V M on October 10, 2013, 09:49:01 PM
I believe Octobearfest to be the correct answer :) Dalebert's B-day isn't 'til Jan.
Gemultlekheit!
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey?
All proper tea is theft.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FGWh7oM6.jpg&hash=30cc83e24439abf9fc1f1af06a284c67c8738834)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fnunawhaa.files.wordpress.com%2F2012%2F10%2Fc6a21c15-dbb6-4f25-8c13-4f7ea943c562.jpg%3Fw%3D510&hash=99f2badf114e87b738a63d298f3edef235f2d849)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FzuDEEtl.jpg&hash=b2e0769ad694a4127d9b1f4936d531ac44b50763)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FVuy0WPu.jpg&hash=42082a4809a28e5ce0ce9c9c3332d65dec1bad5e)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FwHM7LHW.jpg&hash=b1cfb928646843d0013fd2a2cae18b5d837df938)
Got beaten up by a woman today.
I was in the elevator when a busty lady got in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1?
So I did.
I don't remember much afterwards....
There's a film about Eddie Stobart out,I don't know what it's like I've only seen the trailer
Quote from: big kim on October 14, 2013, 11:00:12 AM
There's a film about Eddie Stobart out,I don't know what it's like I've only seen the trailer
I'm sure this is funny but I don't get it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DwIbcwK47w
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Wololololololol :3
Quote from: big kim on October 14, 2013, 11:00:12 AM
There's a film about Eddie Stobart out,I don't know what it's like I've only seen the trailer
I'm inarticulate with amusement :).
Quote from: Padma on October 15, 2013, 06:41:42 AM
I'm inarticulate with amusement :).
Hmm...my guess is that Eddie Stobart is/was a well-known hauling company in England (thank you, Wikipedia)...hence the reference to "trailer" (think semi-truck "trailer") and the further reference to "inarticulate" (iirc, "articulated" is Aussie-speak for combination vehicles, i.e., a semi with 2-5 trailers)
Am I close?
Articulated lorry is what they at least used to be called here in the UK too, where Eddie Stobart plied his trade.
Quote from: Padma on October 15, 2013, 09:52:00 AM
Articulated lorry is what they at least used to be called here in the UK too, where Eddie Stobart plied his trade.
Oh I'm sorry, I always thought you were one of the Australians. Must've been the accent LOL! (Please don't kill me, I know how sensitive ya'all are to such misunderstandings)
A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke
The bar tender cuts an apple and hands it to him
The man looks confussed and says that he wanted a rum and coke not an apple
The bartender convinces him to try it, so he does and to his surprise it tastes just like a rum and coke.
The bartender slices another apple and gives it to the man and he takes a bite and finds that it tastes just like a pinacolada.
The man says to the bartender, if you could get an apple to taste just like a pussy, then you'd really have something.
The bartender brings up another apple and slices it and hands it to the man and says try this.
So the man takes a bit and says "Blah." That tastes just like an ass!"
"Oh sorry, wrong side. Turn it over," the bartender says.
Oh, I thought he was going to say something like "And that's why you should always wipe from front to back and not the other way."
Also, I think your joke is about to get moderated for profanity. :)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1U7OjGx.jpg&hash=ee6d75bc197bc8f6d02ed5fa11912920994ca3af)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FzvaHtF7.png&hash=f41876aeede7d09c9174530d095ad0ac689a9ecf)
Deviled Eggs (http://imgur.com/auf54jL)
Quote from: dalebert on October 15, 2013, 02:40:11 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FzvaHtF7.png&hash=f41876aeede7d09c9174530d095ad0ac689a9ecf)
LOL...now that's my kind of humor...
Jim and Joe, a pair of ghost hunters, are called in to investigate a haunting at an old house that had been the site of a murder-suicide during the Great Depression. As they step through the door, Jim says, "I smell... evil."
Joe sniffs the air, and adds "You smell like a zoo!"
Quote from: Beth Andrea on October 15, 2013, 09:57:32 AM
Oh I'm sorry, I always thought you were one of the Australians. Must've been the accent LOL! (Please don't kill me, I know how sensitive ya'all are to such misunderstandings)
Fret not - I'm really insensitive... to that, at least :).
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fd24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net%2Fphoto%2Fa753mvA_460s.jpg&hash=c494ede38bf25bfc6842073ab05ae223d6574700)
Why are Democrats sexy?
Ever heard anyone say "fine piece of elephant"?
Quote from: Kittenswithmittens on October 16, 2013, 06:41:26 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fd24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net%2Fphoto%2Fa753mvA_460s.jpg&hash=c494ede38bf25bfc6842073ab05ae223d6574700)
I believe that's an actual Pastafarian prayer to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, praised be his name.
Quote from: dalebert on October 17, 2013, 09:51:05 AM
I believe that's an actual Pastafarian prayer to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, praised be his name.
Even the beasts of the fields are touched by his noodley appendage.
Censored for... some reason.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FQDSIjS9.gif&hash=9764655be444107d35c21dfaad3222807a670430)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FskvIEU7.jpg&hash=0a9257487e456beb57bc00b0f6d5dc6e7ca1de9e)
Don't look now, but your butt has a crack in it
*BURP!!!*
Oops, askew me
small-town attitudes
Quote from: Joules on October 17, 2013, 11:22:30 PM
Ok, so it will probably get modded. My bad, I can't edit the pic but it's too bad not to put up for a little while
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FVWKPIjW.jpg&hash=a29b50a9ec59174f0ab1318e6a5388f118a2ac17)
There you go. :)
Quote
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKJ7-83sOrs
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FJTRBp5Y.jpg&hash=28eeb7e83e1445340a8636fcb8a4a7613dd97b80)
*Knock, knock
*Who's there?
*It's cold
*It's cold who?
*It's cold freezing your butt off
*How cold is it?
*It's so cold the microwave doubles as a small refrigerator
*How cold is it?
*It's so cold you don't need a refrigerator
*How cold is it?
*It's so cold my nose doubles as an ice maker
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Seppuku
http://sudokugeant.cabanova.fr/assets/download/gr_spe3D.pdf (http://sudokugeant.cabanova.fr/assets/download/gr_spe3D.pdf)
Quote from: Just Gwynne! on October 20, 2013, 09:50:00 AM
Seppuku
http://sudokugeant.cabanova.fr/assets/download/gr_spe3D.pdf (http://sudokugeant.cabanova.fr/assets/download/gr_spe3D.pdf)
NOPE.
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow''s ear. The farmer didn't' think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
A: Lean meat
A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Thats when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?", asked the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"
Quote from: V M on October 21, 2013, 06:01:22 AM
"Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"
I'm loving that one!
I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FmSPqe9F.gif&hash=39829af80e691bbb890c688e6ae4d49501e56a5f)
Quote from: Joules on October 21, 2013, 08:37:46 AM
His finger went in.
I hate when that happens! Well... unless it's one of those times I'm doing it on purpose.
Quote from: Just Gwynne! on October 20, 2013, 09:50:00 AM
Seppuku
http://sudokugeant.cabanova.fr/assets/download/gr_spe3D.pdf (http://sudokugeant.cabanova.fr/assets/download/gr_spe3D.pdf)
And...finished.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpuu.sh%2F4VO8T.jpg&hash=0b849465a8dc882f63ca840cd1745360da1d2057)
Quote from: Kittenswithmittens on October 21, 2013, 01:20:54 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpuu.sh%2F4VO8T.jpg&hash=0b849465a8dc882f63ca840cd1745360da1d2057)
Looks like my makeup attempts ::)
Quote from: Just Gwynne! on October 21, 2013, 01:22:35 PM
Looks like my makeup attempts ::)
Ily a little bit! Funny pictures in my head now haha.
So ... that's death by puzzle, then? Is that an honorable end?
Quote from: Just Gwynne! on October 20, 2013, 09:50:00 AM
Seppuku
http://sudokugeant.cabanova.fr/assets/download/gr_spe3D.pdf (http://sudokugeant.cabanova.fr/assets/download/gr_spe3D.pdf)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FrWyr78h.jpg&hash=c8328dc43d060353afe1734218b1ad2e882d3f86)
You should see how Gwynne looks when our son does her makeup ;-)
Quote from: Kittenswithmittens on October 21, 2013, 02:17:56 PM
Ily a little bit! Funny pictures in my head now haha.
I believe photos of that should be highly relevant to this thread if the kid is young enough? Haha! Aah sweet memories of me as a child, stealing my mum's makeup. Pretty much lipstick on my eyebrows and I couldn't to save my life find out how my mum could notice such a discrete masterpiece of makeup.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fd24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net%2Fphoto%2Fazb125x_460s_v2.jpg&hash=50a8364ebc7cd953a99a533431229b1b5c54aa8d)
^.^
Yep, our son is still in the single digits. He does our makeup using a Monster High makeup kit (actually, the lipstick is better than you might expect).
Oh, your poor dog! What happened? I hope the surgery went smoothly. Very funny photo, though :-) Love it!
Quote from: Kittenswithmittens on October 22, 2013, 03:39:55 PM
I believe photos of that should be highly relevant to this thread if the kid is young enough? Haha! Aah sweet memories of me as a child, stealing my mum's makeup. Pretty much lipstick on my eyebrows and I couldn't to save my life find out how my mum could notice such a discrete masterpiece of makeup.
^.^
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/5269549824/h1BDA3380/)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GX7tzslAFXc#t=179
This one was described on >-bleeped-< as "Men's alarms"
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FUmUD9CX.jpg&hash=6f19aac8f459e798707eba6a9c23a337837a10a5)
Here's one I came up with and used at a recent GLBTQ function:
"I'm going to take this opportunity to come out as a bisexual. I really wanted to be a pansexual, but I developed a terrible allergy to teflon, and cast iron chafes!"
Quote from: robinmack on October 24, 2013, 10:39:53 AM
"I'm going to take this opportunity to come out as a bisexual. I really wanted to be a pansexual, but I developed a terrible allergy to teflon, and cast iron chafes!"
Hey, don't knock it. A pan can't say "no"!
Quote from: robinmack on October 24, 2013, 10:39:53 AM
Here's one I came up with and used at a recent GLBTQ function:
"I'm going to take this opportunity to come out as a bisexual. I really wanted to be a pansexual, but I developed a terrible allergy to teflon, and cast iron chafes!"
Consider this joke PANNED!
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm... :o
What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FUJ9qJGi.jpg&hash=d54200c05c2c2a61c2f63d70cd3b365bb905b44b)
*Odd deep thoughts*
If you're a monkey's Uncle and Bob's your Uncle, what does that say about the rest of your family? :D
Quote from: Joules on October 29, 2013, 10:27:01 AM
It's going...it's going... it's gone!!! Outta the park, that went right over everybody's head. What a long shot. No one is getting a piece of that one.
I was too embarrassed to admit that I didn't get it. But I still don't. :embarrassed:
Maybe it means there are bananas sprouting on your family tree?
Quote from: V M on October 29, 2013, 05:39:05 AM
*Odd deep thoughts*
If you're a monkey's Uncle and Bob's your Uncle, what does that say about the rest of your family? :D
The nut doesn't fall far from the tree...
Quote from: V M on October 29, 2013, 05:39:05 AM
*Odd deep thoughts*
If you're a monkey's Uncle and Bob's your Uncle, what does that say about the rest of your family? :D
My head is bobbing up and down, but I'm scratching my head quizzically.
What do you get if you throw together a couple of cliché sayings to create a riddle?
Cliché abuse >:-)
Atheism joke.
Just saw a t-shirt that read "Truth+God=Life."
If you solve for "Truth" via algrebra...
Truth=Life-God.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FoMVowyD.jpg&hash=d49ec8e363c691079b9b47ff502fd358528ba7d2)
Quote from: Joules on October 30, 2013, 01:18:53 PM
He He.
The other solution is funny too:
God = Life - Truth
Truth - Life = -God
But what does it mean?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FHUeb4fj.jpg&hash=c90acdbc54ecbe82912e7031999db79b39e8afba)
Stop kidding around! (http://i.imgur.com/nlTG7gS)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FnN8bOfi.jpg&hash=27fae25c7922ed33b4cf5b414179e600f0066a01)
Quote from: dalebert on October 30, 2013, 07:17:06 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FnN8bOfi.jpg&hash=27fae25c7922ed33b4cf5b414179e600f0066a01)
That deserves a Penrose Triangle
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cutoutfoldup.com%2Fimages%2F1124-i.gif&hash=8b046aeaaca50bdd5f3d39e299f594b71645814b)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTzoQER4.jpg&hash=f892d3ce6d8ee6fa00d4b634a55792546f1cf829)
Quote from: dalebert on October 30, 2013, 08:23:19 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTzoQER4.jpg&hash=f892d3ce6d8ee6fa00d4b634a55792546f1cf829)
I saw that one earlier, cracked me up. :laugh:
Amy
This joke was so "bad" it resulted in a 12-hour Facebook ban! (http://www.robdenbleyker.com/post/65577654826/my-facebook-lockout)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.tumblr.com%2Fd3813107f27e1983c569b18d8b8a192b%2Ftumblr_inline_mvid7k8L621qd9m3f.png&hash=a2e18852dcb388962cc72f473c3ca8b181ce5875)
For the Aussies (http://imgur.com/JIOElAD)
I'd say he's doing a bang up job! (https://gs1.wac.edgecastcdn.net/8019B6/data.tumblr.com/1e6c35fc67cac5fa6ef0ceb0f26c226e/tumblr_mvio0lUSjS1qdlh1io1_250.gif)
Quote from: dalebert on October 31, 2013, 02:44:34 PM
For the Aussies (http://imgur.com/JIOElAD)
Haha that's cute!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FvoRnnIB.jpg&hash=56ede64514a2c8d48485588f74b838ab00e22161)
Quote from: dalebert on October 31, 2013, 02:44:34 PM
For the Aussies (http://imgur.com/JIOElAD)
You have no idea how true that is here. Most West Aussie reckon the Eastern seaboard are a bunch of pussies, and the east think the west has gone to the dogs.
Quote from: Cindy on November 01, 2013, 10:28:12 AM
You have no idea how true that is here. Most West Aussie reckon the Eastern seaboard are a bunch of pussies, and the east think the west has gone to the dogs.
On a related note (and in bad joke form), even before beginning my transition I used to strenuously object to people calling "weak" people "pussies"... on the grounds that it is degrading to pussies, because pussies have evolved specifically to really take a pounding.
*runs away and hides*
A steak pun is a rare medium done well.
Quote from: Constance on November 01, 2013, 11:52:37 AM
A steak pun is a rare medium done well.
So it came to pass in the Reign of King Edward I, that the populous was gravely concerned, for it was said that there was a woman wandering about, offering to contact the spirits of the dearly departed in exchange for compensation. This, of course, was heresy! The court of the good king agreed that something must be done, and that the woman must be apprehended. So, they collected the descriptions (a very short and thin woman, with no other remarkable characteristics) and called upon the scribes to draw up broadsheets that could be posted throughout the land, offering a small reward for her capture.
The broadsheets ran with one of the earliest headlines on record, "Small Medium at Large!"
*hides again*
Quote from: Cindy on November 01, 2013, 10:28:12 AM
You have no idea how true that is here. Most West Aussie reckon the Eastern seaboard are a bunch of pussies, and the east think the west has gone to the dogs.
Canada, Australia... different countries, same regional stereotypes :-\
(and, as my son just astutely pointed out, they also both end with 'a')
Quote from: Just Gwynne! on November 01, 2013, 01:18:38 PM
Canada, Australia... different countries, same regional stereotypes :-\
(and, as my son just astutely pointed out, they also both end with 'a')
Not only that, they both have 3 A's
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FdtV6hKW.jpg&hash=c68295a0845002b9a54fdae6955ad240cf7cb97f)
Quote from: Robin Mack on November 01, 2013, 12:06:52 PM
So it came to pass in the Reign of King Edward I, that the populous was gravely concerned, for it was said that there was a woman wandering about, offering to contact the spirits of the dearly departed in exchange for compensation. This, of course, was heresy! The court of the good king agreed that something must be done, and that the woman must be apprehended. So, they collected the descriptions (a very short and thin woman, with no other remarkable characteristics) and called upon the scribes to draw up broadsheets that could be posted throughout the land, offering a small reward for her capture.
The broadsheets ran with one of the earliest headlines on record, "Small Medium at Large!"
*hides again*
Well may you hide!!!
Reminds me of the time the wife beater went to see a spiritualist and asked if his wife had forgiven him for beating her to death. She just laughed in his face.
He was arrested for striking a happy medium.
<hides under same rock as Robin>
A kid walks into a bar, he only relizes he did after looking up from his phone and hitting his head again.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FIHvOD9A.png&hash=e5fe6dcd90f328154f900ed070ad96f878ebcbe8)
Quote from: Joules on November 04, 2013, 12:53:31 PM
(https://scontent-b-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/999299_789858474376941_808816910_n.jpg)
House, Gandalf & Sarah Silverman. 2 out of 3 aint bad.
River Tam would kick Kim Kardashian's a$$
How do ya tell if a woman is ticklish?
Give her a couple of test tickles. :D
Quote from: michelle gee on November 04, 2013, 05:45:04 PM
How do ya tell if a woman is ticklish?
Give her a couple of test tickles. :D
Err.
Bad Joke = my life.
Quote from: michelle gee on November 04, 2013, 05:45:04 PM
How do ya tell if a woman is ticklish?
Give her a couple of test tickles. :D
The second the punch line set in...
Glad my phone is waterproof.
Quote from: Mariax on November 05, 2013, 03:47:16 AM
The second the punch line set in...
Glad my phone is waterproof.
Agreed. Took me a minute :P
Quote from: Joules on November 05, 2013, 09:03:58 PM
(https://scontent-b-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/581498_10153102320580179_422120727_n.jpg)
According to the caption where I found this, that is Justin Bieber
That is despicable, no matter who does it.
Quote from: Beth Andrea on November 05, 2013, 09:10:15 PM
That is despicable, no matter who does it.
You mean setting up these pictures to make it look like he spit on the girl?
Quote from: <3 on November 05, 2013, 09:17:29 PM
You mean setting up these pictures to make it look like he spit on the girl?
That too.
Big foot caught on tape! (http://i.imgur.com/PPF73Za)
Quote from: <3 on November 05, 2013, 09:17:29 PM
You mean setting up these pictures to make it look like he spit on the girl?
He was spitting on his fans though.
Quote from: dalebert on November 05, 2013, 10:52:09 PM
He was spitting on his fans though.
I've read conflicting reports. It wouldn't surprise me if he actually did though.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FR1E8zfB.jpg&hash=0fafcd9b2688d67d5f18b2888a6be780fc2ad2c4)
Quote from: dalebert on November 05, 2013, 10:50:44 PM
Big foot caught on tape! (http://i.imgur.com/PPF73Za)
More like tape caught on big foot.
How do you make a whore moan?
You don't pay her
duh dun tss ;D
Quote from: <3 on November 05, 2013, 10:54:53 PM
I've read conflicting reports. It wouldn't surprise me if he actually did though.
Not at all. Think about it like this. There are clear pics of him spitting over the edge of a hotel balcony. What is 99.9% likely to be underneath a balcony at a hotel where Bieber is staying? The odds of him spitting on anything but a fan are astronomical.
Am I the only one creeped out by some of the Santas in the mall?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F-D_GIVSYblIM%2FTzb3pjv1u-I%2FAAAAAAAAB7Y%2FP6j4e2m8tD8%2Fs400%2Ffunny-jokes%252Byuthink.jpg&hash=d1c7cf150fb8ed273f9be8205b573275c8110b79)
Quote from: Shaina on November 06, 2013, 12:11:30 PM
Am I the only one creeped out by some of the Santas in the mall?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F-D_GIVSYblIM%2FTzb3pjv1u-I%2FAAAAAAAAB7Y%2FP6j4e2m8tD8%2Fs400%2Ffunny-jokes%252Byuthink.jpg&hash=d1c7cf150fb8ed273f9be8205b573275c8110b79)
Remember, it's just 90% of the lawyers who give the other 10% a bad name...
;)
Quote from: Beth Andrea on November 06, 2013, 12:24:05 PM
Remember, it's just 90% of the lawyers who give the other 10% a bad name...
I've heard something similar about cops.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fish.
How many fish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fus.123rf.com%2F400wm%2F400%2F400%2Fcookelma%2Fcookelma0904%2Fcookelma090400005%2F4641653-gold-small-fish-in-light-bulb.jpg&hash=43ee27f1f856871c02b8d95c4073e87388b7f43a)
None, they just phospheresce.
How many trans* people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but they have to sit in the dark for years before they realize it needed changed.
That's good...
That made me kind of sad actually. :p
(https://scontent-b-ams.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/305778_165181246909827_1565107393_n.jpg)
I'm a sucker for puns. Especially tree-related ones although this one was also good. Yew wooden't beleaf how many I got.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
Women often complain about how they only get 85 percent of the man's salary. But for heavens sake, they have their own salary aswell! :D
"The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as to seem not worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it." --Bertrand Russell
Quote from: Just Gwynne! on November 09, 2013, 02:47:57 PM
How many fish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fus.123rf.com%2F400wm%2F400%2F400%2Fcookelma%2Fcookelma0904%2Fcookelma090400005%2F4641653-gold-small-fish-in-light-bulb.jpg&hash=43ee27f1f856871c02b8d95c4073e87388b7f43a)
Wait, so you're saying the answer is three? That's pervy. I thought the answer was "Two, but the real question is how do you get them in there?"
Quote from: dalebert on November 10, 2013, 12:19:11 PM
Wait, so you're saying the answer is three? That's pervy. I thought the answer was "Two, but the real question is how do you get them in there?"
Fish get around. :laugh:
Quote from: Jill F on November 09, 2013, 05:13:49 PM
How many trans* people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but they have to sit in the dark for years before they realize it needed changed.
And even then all that's usually on offer is screw-fit or bayonet... ::)
(https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1456535_702076949802701_811219719_n.jpg)
here's an old one
Q: a helicopter is flying with 500 bricks. a man in it throws one brick out. how many bricks does the helicopter have now?
A: 499
Q: how do you put an elephant in a refrigerator in 3 steps?
A: open the door, put the elephant in and close it.
Q: how do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator in 4 steps?
A: open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in and close the door.
Q: all the animals in the world gather for a special meeting headed by the lion. but one animal is missing. who is that?
A: the giraffe, cos he's still in the refrigerator.
Q: an old lady wants to cross a river which has water only knee deep, but inhabited by man eating ferocious crocodiles. the river has no bridges or boats. how does she cross it?
A: she simply walks through it, as the crocodiles have gone to the meeting.
Q: the old lady walks through the river but falls dead half way across. why?
A: cos she got hit on the head by the brick thrown off the helicopter!
Quote from: Amelia Pond on November 11, 2013, 07:06:33 AM
(https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1456535_702076949802701_811219719_n.jpg)
charming ::)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fd24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net%2Fphoto%2Fa75WjNL_700b.jpg&hash=03527d09f4882c7e8d72b7f4eaac955025254cdd)
Puns. Puns everywhere.
If puns are the flagship of English humor, innuendo is the seamen all over it.
Sorry, sorry. Late night at work.
Quote from: Mariax on November 12, 2013, 07:34:17 AM
If puns are the flagship of English humor, innuendo is the seamen all over it.
Sorry, sorry. Late night at work.
...and the hull is reinforced with irony
Quote from: Just Gwynne! on November 12, 2013, 07:36:40 AM
...and the hull is reinforced with irony
...and anyone starting a nautical pun war will be decked! ;)
It is important to keep all puns in ship shape before launching them
My fiancee claims she doesn't mind nautical puns, but every time I make one I can see the anchor in her eyes. It doesn't exactly buoy my spirits, because I want her as a friend first, never as anemone.
Quote from: Robin Mack on November 12, 2013, 10:23:46 AM
My fiancee claims she doesn't mind nautical puns, but every time I make one I can see the anchor in her eyes. It doesn't exactly buoy my spirits, because I want her as a friend first, never as anemone.
I sea what you did there, at first I wasn't shore but that's just because you arr so clever.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthechive.files.wordpress.com%2F2013%2F11%2Fsee-what-you-did-7.jpg%3Fw%3D500%26amp%3Bh%3D475&hash=b8c2e3808aee796d0f6c7240cf5ec46cdce97f36)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwac.450f.edgecastcdn.net%2F80450F%2Fthefw.com%2Ffiles%2F2012%2F05%2Fscarecrow-meme-puns.jpg&hash=8ad9bf2e39a73e617c83ffb19483c43acafc5d0e)
I just lost a lot of respect for so many people right now. :P
Quote from: Amelia Pond on November 12, 2013, 03:04:16 PM
I just lost a lot of respect for so many people right now. :P
Really Amy? ;)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.omg-facts.com%2F2012%2F12%2F5%2F41a6a5d81dae84b6947f538fd686cc83.jpg&hash=657633b13b639bd42ab7101d917bdeccbba17f4c)
Quote from: Shaina on November 12, 2013, 03:07:38 PM
Really Amy? ;)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.omg-facts.com%2F2012%2F12%2F5%2F41a6a5d81dae84b6947f538fd686cc83.jpg&hash=657633b13b639bd42ab7101d917bdeccbba17f4c)
How do I remove a buddy again? ;) :P
Quote from: Amelia Pond on November 12, 2013, 03:09:52 PM
How do I remove a buddy again? ;) :P
::cries in a corner::
Nooo! :icon_cry2:
Quote from: Shaina on November 12, 2013, 03:14:51 PM
::cries in a corner::
Nooo! :icon_cry2:
Damn it! I didn't expect you to pull the female get out of jail free card.
*HUGS* I still love you, I guess. :P
Quote from: Amelia Pond on November 12, 2013, 03:16:23 PM
Damn it! I didn't expect you to pull the female get out of jail free card. *HUGS* I still love you, I guess. :P
Yay **HUGS BACK**
Okay this is my last one I promise Amy lol
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi0.kym-cdn.com%2Fphotos%2Fimages%2Fnewsfeed%2F000%2F016%2F256%2F1233517126871.jpg%3F1318992465&hash=a7aea29b64496a8afb828e902cdf05bbd9a112b4)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FKPtWAvX.png&hash=4bc2c67614c103b0f75eecbf80e281e41bbd163e)
Quote from: Shaina on November 12, 2013, 03:25:40 PM
Yay **HUGS BACK**
Okay this is my last one I promise Amy lol
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi0.kym-cdn.com%2Fphotos%2Fimages%2Fnewsfeed%2F000%2F016%2F256%2F1233517126871.jpg%3F1318992465&hash=a7aea29b64496a8afb828e902cdf05bbd9a112b4)
That took me a minute!
Quote from: Shaina on November 12, 2013, 03:07:38 PM
Really Amy? ;)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.omg-facts.com%2F2012%2F12%2F5%2F41a6a5d81dae84b6947f538fd686cc83.jpg&hash=657633b13b639bd42ab7101d917bdeccbba17f4c)
I'm probably the only one that's going to say this but...THAT CAT IS LIKE SOOO CUTE :D
Quote from: Donna Troy on November 12, 2013, 08:25:23 PM
I'm probably the only one that's going to say this but...THAT CAT IS LIKE SOOO CUTE :D
I thought so too Donna! So are you btw! :D
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FsKyGJP8.png&hash=72733f23d8cadd7657a104fe491c6266c0b7c553)
Hooray for Bill Nye, the Science Guy!!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FpfhkQsa.gif&hash=7a8c3bdaa8f28e2715956907a0953ee486d1d37c)
So my 24yo son is a big Conan fan, and I told him this joke.
QuoteWhat is Conan's default web browser?
Crome!
He replied with...
QuoteDid you spend all night on that one?
What is best online?
Crush your cookies, see your history cleared before you, and hear the lamentations of webmasters!
Haha you're son is funny Constance. I thought your Conan joke was clever too!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fd24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net%2Fphoto%2Faqmj8YY_460s_v2.jpg&hash=7a59076387e940d09ff853f3ed50be4bcc42fd7c)
Giggling so hard.
Best pickup line ever (http://imgur.com/E4YIkWf)
I went to a pub quiz in Glasgow,the first question was what're you looking at?
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A WISCONSIN GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
The first man married a woman from Minnesota . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Illinois . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Wisconsin . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Quote from: LordKAT on November 16, 2013, 01:26:24 AM
...by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
I'm sorry. I hate to seem like a party pooper, but this one's rather uncomfortable for me. It feels like it's only funny because a man is the victim of domestic violence instead of a woman and he
obviously deserves it because he's a chauvinist pig and such. If the genders were reversed and a woman was demanding her husband abide by his traditional role--hold doors open for me, buy me flowers on V-Day, don't dare even look at other women, etc. and he beat her for that until her eyes sealed shut and her arm didn't work in order to set her straight, it would be appalling to most people and not funny, and rightly so.
I was a male domestic violence victim for 3 years, I saw the funny side of this joke and laughed.
I think that's a point well made, dalebert. I may even forgive you for that cheap pickup line! :laugh:
I do see your point dalebert. If you like I will remove it, or if a mod thinks it is triggering, it can go with no issue far as I'm concerned.
No, I don't really want it removed. People have context now. I'd rather them have something to think about with regards to gender.
I talked with someone else online about this and they pointed out that fictional violence is actually a common element of humor and that all humor has a dark element to it. I don't want to make people hyper-sensitive about such things. This is the bad jokes thread, after all. Example given:
QuoteWhat do you call a woman with two black eyes?
Nothin'. You done told her twice already!
And then you laugh because that is just awful, awful, AWFUL, and laughter is a relief valve. In your mind, you're thinking about the violence as in "OMG, that's SO wrong! HAHAHA" It's why we laugh at cartoon violence. The joke is justifying violence on its face, but is clearly being ridiculous and you're actually laughing at the perpetrator of violence and that's why it's funny.
In the other joke, you're laughing at the victim like "He SO deserved that! HAHAHA" And I think that's why I
personally laugh at the "two black eyes" joke and cringe at the other one, but maybe I'm just hyper-sensitive because I tend to be hyper aware of how we're much more okay with violence as long as the victim is a man, and particularly domestic violence.
TL;DR version: You laugh at "two black eyes" because domestic violence against women is NOT okay. In the chauvinist pig joke you laugh because domestic violence against this man IS okay.
How does every offensive joke start?
By looking over your shoulder...
*Looks over shoulder for other Irish folk*
An Irishman is walking along the rocky shore when he finds a very old bottle washed ashore. He pops the cork and a genie smokes out. By the luck of the Irish, he finds he's freed a grateful genie rather than a wrathful one and the genie in his gratitude offers the man three wishes.
The man wishes for a bottle of his favorite brand of Irish whiskey aged precisely 21 years. *POOF* The bottle appears in his hand. The man immediately opens it and drinks down the whole bottle. It's delicious and strong, just as expected. The bottle fills back up with whiskey. The man drinks it all down again in one long swig. Just as good as before. It fills back up again.
"Wha the Hell?" he says, slurring his speech.
"Good sir, I've been trapped in that bottle for three thousand years. No ordinary bottle of whiskey can possibly measure up to even a third of my gratitude for being freed. This magical bottle will refill itself the moment its empty and will continue to do so forever and ever with your favorite whiskey just as you like. That said, I am eager to get on with my life as a free genie and would be most grateful if you could come to a decision about your other two wishes."
The guy stumbles a bit and says "No problem, no problem. Uh..." He points at the magic bottle and says "I'll take two more of these!"
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FDb25n5R.jpg&hash=c4c6b910083d7d73913358040c6ccbcb43a7659b)
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Is that a Battlestar Galactica joke?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F29MLmX1.gif&hash=1f2af0225b34aa175a4509475f380264d77b2cfe)
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Edmonton Eulers
During the month of February 1972, the Oilers temporarily changed the franchise name to the Edmonton Eulers as a tribute to mathematician Leonhard Euler (Euler's number ~ 2.72, thus corresponding with the month 2/72). The team introduced jerseys with lowercase "e"s in place of the usual capital "E"s at the beginning of both city and team name, first wearing them during a home game on February 1. For the entire month, the team utilized a pricing scheme for individual tickets akin to Euler's formula to approximate e, using n as the day of the month:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs0.wp.com%2Flatex.php%3Flatex%3D%255Cdisplaystyle%2B%255Clim_%257Bn%255Cto%255Cinfty%257D%2B%255Cleft%25281%252B%255Cfrac%257B1%257D%257Bn%257D%255Cright%2529%255En.%26amp%3Bbg%3Dffffff%26amp%3Bfg%3D4b5d67%26amp%3Bs%3D0&hash=d509ce7aec7be5434e7cd3b83ffa9949c1869934)
Ticket prices started out at $1.50 on February 1, topping out at $2.67 on February 29. Fan reaction to the temporary change was mixed: in general, casual fans were deeply confounded and upset by the change, while more mathematically-oriented fans welcomed the change with open arms, some going even so far as to suggest that it be permanent. The tension and confusion were relieved on March 3, when the Oilers reverted to their old jerseys for an away game against the Winnipeg Jets
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FKEf8G2L.jpg&hash=92ac7cb8a011e87c26517286671691236b74d328)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9tOepSD.jpg&hash=9d344fea2ebdfd4e03b1417e0292ce3bad5d2576)
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.fjcdn.com%2Fpictures%2FMeme_0cf9b8_1553381.jpg&hash=fc6fa0465d1df1eb3fa047c0c5635c82338636df)
After a one night stand at a gorgeous woman's house, a man rolls over and notices a picture of another guy.
"Is that your husband?", he asks.
"Nope," she smiles.
"Boyfriend, then?"
"Uh, no."
"Brother?"
"No, dummy, that was me before the surgery."
Quote from: Jill F on November 18, 2013, 08:24:10 PM
"No, dummy, that was me before the surgery."
You didn't look over your shoulder first!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi888.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fac84%2Fwriterrobinmack%2Fspock-leia_zps694084ed.jpg&hash=a14c4d7631ec2ef309d0d1a2d8fafba492508738) (http://s888.photobucket.com/user/writerrobinmack/media/spock-leia_zps694084ed.jpg.html)
Ooooh my. Indeed. :)
Talk nerdy to me, Robin...
Quote from: Robin Mack on November 19, 2013, 11:20:37 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi888.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fac84%2Fwriterrobinmack%2Fspock-leia_zps694084ed.jpg&hash=a14c4d7631ec2ef309d0d1a2d8fafba492508738) (http://s888.photobucket.com/user/writerrobinmack/media/spock-leia_zps694084ed.jpg.html)
Nerds everywhere are in convulsions.
Quote from: dalebert on November 19, 2013, 12:50:03 PM
Nerds everywhere are in convulsions.
I think my brain just exploded...mixing genres should come with a warning label...
Quote from: Beth Andrea on November 19, 2013, 02:04:21 PM
I think my brain just exploded...mixing genres should come with a warning label...
What would top it off is if he were holding the Glaive from Krull instead of a light saber.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.yourprops.com%2Fmovieprops%2Foriginal%2Fyp_51968d48eb5ca6.58809302%2FKrull-Krull-Glaive-Replica-2.jpg&hash=47f77eb0d8f611a82c50f086ebb9fc67f9cdc625)
(https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/p296x100/562296_458214347610949_1163464097_n.jpg)
Quote from: dalebert on November 19, 2013, 02:13:39 PM
What would top it off is if he were holding the Glaive from Krull instead of a light saber.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.yourprops.com%2Fmovieprops%2Foriginal%2Fyp_51968d48eb5ca6.58809302%2FKrull-Krull-Glaive-Replica-2.jpg&hash=47f77eb0d8f611a82c50f086ebb9fc67f9cdc625)
That looks more dangerous to the user than to the opponent...ahh, fiction writers...where everything works as planned.
Never heard of my good friend Murphy, or his cousin, Snafu...
;)
Beth, the blades are sheathed until he shakes them out.
Yeah, then you hurt yourself!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.themetapicture.com%2Fmedia%2Ffunny-Canada-different-protest.jpg&hash=77ee93748fa3ecc0fc9306e624acd3ed140ed980)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.themetapicture.com%2Fmedia%2Ffunny-Canada-different-maple-syrup.jpg&hash=969dc939391c0b6a7ebf736bdbe0368bcb1a995a)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.themetapicture.com%2Fmedia%2Ffunny-Canada-different-car-crash.jpg&hash=b9ebb0c16f3baf32cdf5146d4d7fd7b9073380ff)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.themetapicture.com%2Fmedia%2Ffunny-gif-Canada-different-swimming.gif&hash=f91006a1b3d38f6cdc35707f5d1f1a53ac6b5e1d)(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.themetapicture.com%2Fmedia%2Ffunny-gif-Canada-different-armed-forces.gif&hash=8f4f3064d807edb9ba8360b7e8ef37f62df9cc71)
If you have trouble viewing this here, here's the original site:
http://themetapicture.com/things-are-somehow-different-in-canada/
All I see is a white rectangle.
Dang it....it was there when I posted it. Oh well. Here's the site:
http://themetapicture.com/things-are-somehow-different-in-canada/
Quote from: LordKAT on November 19, 2013, 08:37:06 PM
All I see is a white rectangle.
Click on it? It worked for me.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Excusez-moi, je suis <<sorry>>.;)
Quote from: Beth Andrea on November 19, 2013, 09:27:08 PM
Click on it? It worked for me.
I'm sorry.
;)
No I'm sorry, I posted it and I'm getting the white rectangle too.
If they call us trannies, can we call them cissies?
Quote from: Jill F on November 19, 2013, 09:55:19 PM
If they call us trannies, can we call them cissies?
Oh my...that's bad...sooooo
baaaad.
;D
Do-it-yourself luxury cat
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FDFmZsFp.jpg&hash=a9d842fa16335891e14cafd6381795e746977322)
Quote from: Orange Creamsicle on November 19, 2013, 09:29:18 PM
No I'm sorry, I posted it and I'm getting the white rectangle too.
I thought that was the joke because every time I clicked on it, the hit rectangle got smaller. Made me chuckle anyways! :D
Why did the chicken cross the road
To see his flat mate
Emily.T xx
Quote from: Emily.T on November 20, 2013, 05:16:13 AM
To see his flat mate
More Brits will get this than Americans. :)
Quote from: Joules on November 20, 2013, 06:50:55 PM
(https://scontent-b-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1234627_544378155645718_320227745_n.jpg)
Unless you're craving roof rabbit ::)
Urban Dictionary
1. roof rabbit
Cat, skinned and beheaded and passed off as a rabbit meat for human consumption.
During WWII many Londoners ate what they thought was rabbit, but it was roof rabbit.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fz0R5lcH.jpg&hash=6b7420d5cc02ad12d4612b227082c8f0b8e978c1)
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2F9c3ebab834fa35a0febb3c9b362a7ae1%2Ftumblr_muhta0Upu11roju9ho1_500.jpg&hash=60b3568ec6b1cc6234e6514c66dbee263c2a2f31)
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
I saw a man in the street who had an orange for a head.
I stopped him and asked him, "sorry to draw attention to it, but I have to ask. Why do you have an orange for a head?"
The man explained that he had found a lamp and, when he rubbed it, a genie popped out and gave him three wishes.
"For the first wish I asked for a million dollars. Then for my second wish, I asked for the perfect girlfriend."
Confused, I asked what he had requested for his third wish.
"I wished for an orange for a head."
I don't know why, but that joke made me laugh so hard I seriously almost passed out! :laugh:
My sides hurt.
Quote from: dalebert on November 22, 2013, 04:20:56 PM
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
^^This.^^
:D
I'd post a pic of myself but,.....
I don't want anyone to die laughing.
Quote from: LordKAT on November 23, 2013, 09:45:40 PM
I'd post a pic of myself but,.....
I don't want anyone to die laughing.
No one will die, nor will they laugh.
*hugs*
Quote from: LordKAT on November 23, 2013, 09:45:40 PM
I'd post a pic of myself but,.....
I don't want anyone to die laughing.
No self-dep! *hug* I'd love to see your face :)
I'm technologically unsavy and yes you would die laughing. If you know where to look, there is somewhere on the internet, one image of the real me.
Quote from: Jillian on November 23, 2013, 08:58:17 PM
"I wished for an orange for a head."
You reminded me of this joke (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,94922.msg1246360.html#msg1246360). :)
Quote from: dalebert on November 24, 2013, 03:14:48 PM
You reminded me of this joke (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,94922.msg1246360.html#msg1246360). :)
LOL!
I went to the zoo. They had only one animal. A dog. It was a shih tzu. :icon_ciggy:
I went to a zoo. Cool birds it said, all of which my dad had on the farm. What a waste.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." ♫ :eusa_dance: ♫
Quote from: Jillian on November 24, 2013, 09:29:40 PM
I went to the zoo. They had only one animal. A dog. It was a shih tzu. :icon_ciggy:
That one took me 37 seconds.
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1460050_10151891261263172_1443780992_n.jpg)
Quote from: Jillian on November 24, 2013, 11:08:24 PM
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." ♫ :eusa_dance: ♫
Sigh, those who do not know their history are doomed to repeat it.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien CVT on September 01, 2012, 12:16:11 PM
A frog named Kermit Jagger goes to a bank to get a loan. He talks to a teller named Patty Mack. Patty asks the frog what he has for collateral. The frog pulls out a small figurine, but Patty says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheap knick knack." The bank manager had been walking by at the time and overheard the conversation. Looking over, he said, "This figurine is three hundred years old -- it's priceless. That's no knick knack, Patty Mack, give that frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
An orchestra is playing Beethoven's 9th Symphony. There is a passage in the middle when, for about 20 minutes, the bass violinists have nothing to do. So they decide to slip out to a bar and drink a few beers. After a while one says, "Hey, we better get going."
But another says, "No, wait. I tied several pages of the conductor's sheet music together, so we'll have a couple of extra minutes while he sorts it out."
So they stay for another round. Finally when they go staggering back to their places. It was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, and the bassists were loaded.
In a particular small country, there was a king. He was much beloved of the people, and so they built for him a castle. But they were poor people and could only afford to build it out of grass. So they worked for weeks, and finally completed a lovely woven grass castle for him. And the king was pleased.
Another country, significantly richer than the first, presented a peace offering of an ornate throne. The king accepted this gift graciously and was most pleased. The only trouble was, the throne was very uncomfortable. So the king got himself a more comfortable chair and kept the massive throne in the attic. Naturally, it fell through the floor and killed him.
The moral of this story: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Couples who go camping together may in fact have intense intents in tents.
Quote from: Orange Creamsicle on November 25, 2013, 04:21:22 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1460050_10151891261263172_1443780992_n.jpg)
In all seriousness, my eight-year-old was thinking aloud about the gender implications of chess promotion just yesterday.
Quote from: LordKAT on November 26, 2013, 01:34:25 AM
Couples who go camping together may in fact have intense intents in tents.
:D
My son used to routinely ask me to tell him stories from "hiking mythology"
Quote from: LordKAT on November 26, 2013, 01:34:25 AM
Couples who go camping together may in fact have intense intents in tents.
Depending on gender, they'll be pitching tents within those tents with intense intents. ;)
At least temporarily. :laugh:
Quote from: LordKAT on November 26, 2013, 01:34:25 AM
Couples who go camping together may in fact have intense intents in tents.
A. That's great!
B. It reminded me of Ted Nugent - Intensities in 10 cities
Quote from: big head horsey-faced marsh monster on November 25, 2013, 05:20:41 PM
Is there a statute of limitations on repeated bad jokes?
I wouldn't think so. If it's old, doesn't that make it extra bad?
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on November 26, 2013, 07:52:25 AM
B. It reminded me of Ted Nugent - Intensities in 10 cities
Or if you were in L.A. during hard times, it could be intensities in 10 tent cities. <.< >.> <.< ;D
I was fairly drunk last night for the show and I made some very, very bad jokes as well as just some generally messed up stuph. I expect to pay the price for it in hate emails. I'm just going to start typing up the apology responses in advance. It's one thing to be drunk and say things you'll regret later. It's another to have them recorded forever on the Intertubes.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on November 26, 2013, 07:52:25 AM
A. That's great!
B. It reminded me of Ted Nugent - Intensities in 10 cities
NUGENT!!!*fires arrow into the air as a salute*
...
...
...
*runs for cover*
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F7RQ7Aug.jpg&hash=8d5076ee6f3eafdfcb8170a58338b4b1a5ce6ca9)
Quote from: dalebert on November 26, 2013, 02:09:16 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F7RQ7Aug.jpg&hash=8d5076ee6f3eafdfcb8170a58338b4b1a5ce6ca9)
Spelling.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi15.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa365%2Fjpmead%2FHunters%2520Homepage%2Fnugentbronco.jpg&hash=ac2471b98c5f2df4e8916a185eeb9632e09cf13b)
I have loved Nugent`s Bronco semi carnally since I first saw it.
What did the one Japanese man say to the other?
Wait for it....
Something in Japanese.
What did one Soviet era Russian say to the other?
Something in English because they were both planning to defect
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment. :D
(https://scontent-b-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1474403_188797864657734_1658409706_n.jpg)
Quote from: nickikim on November 27, 2013, 07:41:03 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi15.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa365%2Fjpmead%2FHunters%2520Homepage%2Fnugentbronco.jpg&hash=ac2471b98c5f2df4e8916a185eeb9632e09cf13b)
I have loved Nugent`s Bronco semi carnally since I first saw it.
Wow, tacky...lol
Quote from: Donna Troy on November 29, 2013, 01:36:08 PM
Wow, tacky...lol
No , awesome , because built by Bill Stroppe , and I wear animal prints because , tacky ......lol.
LOL... I wear animal prints because... I'm an animal :D
Quote from: Donna Troy on November 29, 2013, 01:36:08 PM
Wow, tacky...lol
It's beautiful! In most American towns, there always seems to be at least one person who has a zebra stripe something...or if not zebra, some other VERY distinct object...like my car, or a purple-with-blue trimmed house...etc.
It's an American thing.
:-)
Seems like this one's been done recently, but deviled egg (http://imgur.com/DD9P9RK).
Quote from: Beth Andrea on November 29, 2013, 11:26:36 PM
It's beautiful! In most American towns, there always seems to be at least one person who has a zebra stripe something...or if not zebra, some other VERY distinct object...like my car, or a purple-with-blue trimmed house...etc.
It's an American thing.
:-)
A volkswagon beetle with a big fish hook through it. Written on each side,"Whale bait".
Quote from: LordKAT on December 01, 2013, 10:06:32 PM
Quote from: Beth Andrea on November 29, 2013, 11:26:36 PM
It's beautiful! In most American towns, there always seems to be at least one person who has a zebra stripe something...or if not zebra, some other VERY distinct object...like my car, or a purple-with-blue trimmed house...etc.
It's an American thing.
:-)
A volkswagon beetle with a big fish hook through it. Written on each side,"Whale bait".
I recall starting a thread (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,140336.msg1136945.html#msg1136945) asking people from other countries if they had the same kinds of characters as we do...iirc, I gave a number of good examples, but no one from the rest of the world replied.
It made me a little sad to know that "only in America" is where one would find these special people (of which I are one)...
I've got a hunch that Daniel Radcliffe will be playing Igor in an upcoming Frankenstein movie.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F5uwfurG.jpg&hash=a1ae7b85b4d310dfdc1ac7ecad3f536f8bba62af)
Quote from: Joules on December 01, 2013, 09:17:57 PM
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=595676827134115
Might wanna NSFW-tag that. Just sayin'.
Quote from: Joules on December 01, 2013, 05:07:46 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/q71/s720x720/1468651_549528275130706_2000105979_n.jpg)
Again, so cute!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FbYwZpZR.jpg&hash=4ec2dbd59a7e605f0f89d05b24207854a800c479)
Where do generals keep their armies? Up their sleevies.
Quote from: dalebert on December 05, 2013, 09:49:16 PM
Comical stuff
:laugh:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FbYwZpZR.jpg&hash=4ec2dbd59a7e605f0f89d05b24207854a800c479) <- LOL, Robin looks like one of my neighbors and aparently has about the same intellect
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FmgSmNf7.gif&hash=20f5022fce947fa9a078c1f8f39e396df52753c3)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FDnxO1.jpg&hash=4e0e0b1a585d83dac950ae9aa8562b98cbfe700e)
Such a stereotype but I giggled!
Quote from: Kittenswithmittens on December 06, 2013, 03:02:55 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FDnxO1.jpg&hash=4e0e0b1a585d83dac950ae9aa8562b98cbfe700e)
Such a stereotype but I giggled!
So bad... and yet so good.
Quote from: Mariax on December 06, 2013, 04:23:31 AM
So bad... and yet so good.
On the sexist theme....
an old biker once told me , some women are like postage stamps,
lick 'em stick 'em , then send them away.
Quote from: V M on December 05, 2013, 10:38:24 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FbYwZpZR.jpg&hash=4ec2dbd59a7e605f0f89d05b24207854a800c479)
I have to say i must be an idiot because i don't get this :( and i'm a huge comic book nerd :'(.
Quote from: Donna Troy on December 06, 2013, 05:35:48 PM
I have to say i must be an idiot because i don't get this :( and i'm a huge comic book nerd :'(.
That thing is called a mobile..... soooo batmobile. His car. Yeah!
Quote from: Kittenswithmittens on December 06, 2013, 06:38:16 PM
That thing is called a mobile..... soooo batmobile. His car. Yeah!
ohhhh...okay :embarrassed:, funny.
(https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1426572_10152016853812808_1571016952_n.jpg)
Quote from: LordKAT on December 07, 2013, 02:26:34 AM
(https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1426572_10152016853812808_1571016952_n.jpg)
If we had snow I would make that!!!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Did you hear the one about the English Cricket team?
Just don't mention the ashes!
For those uninitiated in Cricket
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxoMhIGKqB0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxoMhIGKqB0)
;D
Quote from: Cindy on December 07, 2013, 02:34:49 AM
If we had snow I would make that!!!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
You can have all of my snow from my driveway, sidewalks, and the top of my car. Just come pick it up, preferably early in the morning after the snow.
And don't say I never did anything for you.
Kia Ora,
A teenage girl tweeting a reply to her 'born again' :eusa_pray: friend...
"Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you ? OMG I'm freaking out right now, tell me his exact words."
I cracked up when I read this ;D
Metta Zenda :)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fd24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net%2Fphoto%2FaRQE3Y7_460s_v1.jpg&hash=70fe84113954a4930971f89432a01728fe11fe0f)
When the coven goes to the beach you get:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Faesobolwillowshade.files.wordpress.com%2F2012%2F08%2Fsand-witches.jpg%3Fw%3D640&hash=ef3558f548a1e3b94e1e591058b5d587a9f78e39)
Quote from: LordKAT on December 07, 2013, 02:26:34 AM
(https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1426572_10152016853812808_1571016952_n.jpg)
My mom would soooooo do this.
I think my mom is going to find a snowman in the yard soon. I just need to get some kid jeans and shoes.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTlvueUg.jpg&hash=16f457365fa97a92895b5bbd454dd3306f1969f4)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FuqkprPq.gif&hash=01debc0f77eafb85346f06b8eff944aa4c474663)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1pDIXaA.jpg&hash=8be3f749816b6665504bc71eeba98630d5ae55f3)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTEwaJG6.jpg&hash=95d41d264c686cd24b55bab7ab031768f24c3b15)
Safety disclaimer: Doesn't actually work.
What's the similarity between men and women?
Answer is below, mark text to read. Some people might find it inappropriate, you have my warning. ;D
They both need tissues when watching a good movie.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FXzNBv2h.gif&hash=a3e2421fbd1091b6ba6a25e74afed39344c60f20)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lolbrary.com%2Fcontent%2F793%2Ffire-distinguisher-47793.png&hash=e55fb2cc2454f888751bb52babf4585cea210d2c)
Quote from: dalebert on December 15, 2013, 06:46:08 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lolbrary.com%2Fcontent%2F793%2Ffire-distinguisher-47793.png&hash=e55fb2cc2454f888751bb52babf4585cea210d2c)
It could at least tell you if it was an oil fire, electric fire, or flammable metal fire...
My penis was once in the Guinness Book of World Records, but then the librarian kicked me out.
How do you spell "candy" with only 2 letters?
C and Y
Good ones Connie, especially the first.
Quote from: Orange Creamsicle on December 15, 2013, 01:55:24 PM
It could at least tell you if it was an oil fire, electric fire, or flammable metal fire...
As a public service, I offer this mnemonic:
Type "A" fires = make
Ashes, as in paper and wood
Type "B" fires = need a
Bowl to hold, as they are liquids (gasoline, oil, etc)
Type "C" fires = have a
Charge in them, like electrical fires.
Overhead several times during fire extinguisher classes, I even think the instructor was the one saying it.
:-*
A mom was pouring her son a glass of milk when her daughter came up and asked for a glass of milk as well. She started to pour her daughter a glass when the carton ran out. So she poured some of the milk from her son's glass into her daughter's glass until they were even. Her son started crying saying it was his milk. She had a talk with him about sharing.
The moral of this story is "Don't cry over split milk."
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FHHeRDH7.jpg&hash=4f071edc593a922956be39320df36759c2d126fc)
What's the best item to re-gift?
A reciprocal saw
Did you know that plateaus are the highest form of flattery?
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/q71/1466108_243541795809478_1113904281_n.jpg)
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/q71/1486720_640497862678584_668555664_n.jpg)
Quote from: Joules on December 19, 2013, 09:35:25 PM
(https://scontent-a-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/580312_619281221466108_46859891_n.jpg)
Um, I think I need these.
Quote from: Constance on December 18, 2013, 10:48:54 PM
Did you know that plateaus are the highest form of flattery?
No. My butte is. :-\
& happy(year2)
Because Christmas is on what day?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FJ6CaBKH.jpg&hash=7cc7fb95d8436e7ab7112291aa8149d6a3c266de)
Merry Christmas
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.treehugger.com%2Fassets%2Fimages%2F2011%2F10%2FChristmas-Holiday-Humor.jpg&hash=8f8e0f0c1533ce0ed2ca4205ef4729212acb9210)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fn4Vcvg0.jpg&hash=0c386fbca0650a6f13a7f0047b0c21d84a0d1fec)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FR8BlRxw.jpg&hash=3af05296c603eeff54dd20e3332da053dee96d58)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmatthew2262.files.wordpress.com%2F2012%2F11%2Fvirgin_birth.jpg&hash=f785585841ebe3627336fb07a50f939e2a6ac509)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FqCJACOl.jpg&hash=d5d636138c37882326059ba21dc95fec4147e932)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FgEM4A6u.jpg&hash=79a4158fd9422857d3cc1eb24d8e4b250e2654ca)
Quote from: dalebert on December 23, 2013, 03:16:03 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FqCJACOl.jpg&hash=d5d636138c37882326059ba21dc95fec4147e932)
This is my eight-year-old's favourite joke.
Reminds me of this one!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FnMkeSOT.png&hash=625cbbdbfac8e7e3550bb12eb6114d63cc38843c)
A six foot teddy bear (http://imgur.com/M4CAMAg)
Quote from: dalebert on December 25, 2013, 08:43:40 PM
Reminds me of this one!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FnMkeSOT.png&hash=625cbbdbfac8e7e3550bb12eb6114d63cc38843c)
Just slightly graphic...
What's the difference between a couch potato and a baked potato?
About three J's
Here's the worst joke I know. :(
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthebilzerianreport.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F02%2FIncarceration-War-On-Drugs.jpg&hash=9270a728fc541866e5cac7d0caf78a1b380be0d5)
Quote from: GeWnYnNyNwEg on December 26, 2013, 01:01:07 AM
Here's the worst joke I know. :(
Oh, and that reminds me of another one. The U.S. is frequently called "Land of the Free" HaaaaaHAHAHAHA!
The "Land of the Free" imprisons more people than any other nation in the entire world including Communist China. That's not per capita, btw. The "Land of the Free" has a much smaller population than China and it STILL imprisons more people!
Quote from: dalebert on December 26, 2013, 09:14:22 AM
Oh, and that reminds me of another one. The U.S. is frequently called "Land of the Free" HaaaaaHAHAHAHA!
The "Land of the Free" imprisons more people than any other nation in the entire world including Communist China. That's not per capita, btw. The "Land of the Free" has a much smaller population than China and it STILL imprisons more people!
We don't imprison people for political offenses. (And yes, I agree that some drug offenses should not be punished by prison...but that discussion would involve a whole host of topics, from capitalism to demographics).
An Empire has no choice but to imprison large segments of its population, imho.
And, as an effort to get this comedy train back on track, I give you...Grumpy Cat:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1186.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz368%2Fhazel_eyes1911%2Fevillurks_zpsa546625a.jpg&hash=73f5e11a0e3977a314c10891e165cf7dbeb78dfb)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F3aAbJvB.jpg&hash=b75993453335629ae61202bef9b88bf127340c49)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FzakXNAd.jpg&hash=3009e8929ca22752c798d6c69c3176b0a7629192)
Quote from: Cindy on December 27, 2013, 10:54:52 PM
Well dalebert is pretty offensive to all berts who don't live in valleys! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FDFTgPQN.jpg&hash=b433f52a632bc19a055d3b93e7042e508a048eb7)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.hudsonhorizons.com%2Fpub%2Fimages%2FFlammablevsinflammable.jpg&hash=b58a762685f4dfd3c02d8cac48aa8f918add2acc)
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/858641_720036068029299_758285776_o.jpg)
Reminds me of this one.
There was a plaque on the first step of a public pool. It read "OOL" and then underneath that, it said "Notice there is no 'P' in 'POOL'. We'd like to keep it that way. Thank you."
Quote from: dalebert on December 28, 2013, 08:16:30 PM
Reminds me of this one.
There was a plaque on the first step of a public pool. It read "OOL" and then underneath that, it said "Notice there is no 'P' in 'POOL'. We'd like to keep it that way. Thank you."
Kids in grade two love to explain that sign. Doubt me? Try escorting a class of them to swimming lessons.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdynamomagazine.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F05%2Fpick-up-line-365x450.jpg&hash=d62652f12813915ca50e08b45af1a91a8dc2da5f)
This belongs in this thread. It's a response to all the jokes. :)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FvZOspCz.gif&hash=df067afeaa8027b1c8cdd7152c5e8d7a7a76c5bc)
Quote from: dalebert on December 29, 2013, 03:23:43 PM
This belongs in this thread. It's a response to all the jokes. :)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FvZOspCz.gif&hash=df067afeaa8027b1c8cdd7152c5e8d7a7a76c5bc)
Aha! Finally, a visual for the perpetual *
ba-da-TISH!*
:D
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fazfoo.net%2Fgdt%2Fimages%2Frealprogrammer.jpg&hash=f056ffe4643619dd0e444eeef210c47b522fa710)
Quote from: dalebert on December 29, 2013, 03:23:43 PM
This belongs in this thread. It's a response to all the jokes. :)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FvZOspCz.gif&hash=df067afeaa8027b1c8cdd7152c5e8d7a7a76c5bc)
LOL... Looks like one of my old band members :laugh:
"Picking up chicks is easy." --my eight-year-old son
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fus.cdn3.123rf.com%2F168nwm%2Fanyka%2Fanyka1101%2Fanyka110100062%2F8608645-a-boy-s-hand-holding-a-24-hour-old-easter-chick.jpg&hash=b85b2d628bef12d004b6e34d809af004792b614d)
When will Persian cats begin to join the armed forces?
When you cut their furlough.
If Olive Oil is made from Olives and Vegetable oils from Vegetables, then what is Baby oil made from???
Quote from: LordKAT on December 30, 2013, 10:33:19 PM
When will Persian cats begin to join the armed forces?
Basic training for the Iranian army
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fcommons%2F7%2F7a%2F%2527Doll-Faced_Persian_Cat_with_her_litter_of_6_kittens%2527_crop.jpg&hash=da02d8c4113085ef2af1b51546d9ab3c73c313cd)
Quote from: Gwynne on December 30, 2013, 11:33:51 PM
Basic training for the Iranian army
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.wallsave.com%2Fwallpapers%2F1366x768%2Fpersian-cat-nature%2F125555%2Fpersian-cat-nature-kittens-group-125555.jpg&hash=fd7ecc3820b36a3beba58e91b76d0bb468b8125b)
They are just admiring the awesomeness that is me. Cute little fellers.
I'm envisioning a perfect threesome for tonight...
...all is ready....
...I only need 2 more people.
Quote from: Gwynne on December 30, 2013, 11:33:51 PM
Basic training for the Iranian army
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.wallsave.com%2Fwallpapers%2F1366x768%2Fpersian-cat-nature%2F125555%2Fpersian-cat-nature-kittens-group-125555.jpg&hash=fd7ecc3820b36a3beba58e91b76d0bb468b8125b)
My first thought was, "DON'T BUNCH UP!! ONE GRENADE COULD TAKE CARE OF ALL YOU A$$ O'S!!!" (Don't know why...never been in any combat arms branch...)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m84M71FRdbw
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimgur.com%2FPRWd4KH.jpg&hash=a627830de8e9cd8a290438af78cb93df50265d0a)
Quote from: dalebert on January 02, 2014, 12:08:38 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m84M71FRdbw
:D :D :D :D I'll never do this again!
(https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1545810_649048031804577_1385203685_n.jpg)
Quote from: Joules on January 04, 2014, 06:20:17 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/1011968_839709432725178_1270050937_n.jpg)
Estrogen dominance:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ohio.edu%2FPEOPLE%2Fpiccard%2Fhuwe%2Flogarithm.jpg&hash=4bd22687f79f6ad2ecb01cce32fb6afb1219100b)
Sometimes a c**k block (http://imgur.com/f6d6rFE) isn't so bad. Actually SFW.
Pizza that cuts itself. (http://i.imgur.com/FilpDN5)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FO6qb17t.jpg&hash=12b3547e4681e31fd321c74321d9a258f6b3e243)
Quote from: dalebert on January 06, 2014, 10:12:09 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FO6qb17t.jpg&hash=12b3547e4681e31fd321c74321d9a258f6b3e243)
Awwww, poor thing lol
I had a joke about pizza... But it's kinda cheesy
I was thinking about making a comic book about MTFs and calling it "Ex-Men".
Good one Jill. I'd love to know their specific skills.
(https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/558752_338384822950578_878251974_n.jpg)
You know its cold out when even the horse sleeps on the couch.
(https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1526106_567791133295090_1277500460_n.jpg)
Quote from: LordKAT on January 07, 2014, 12:25:57 AM
You know its cold out when even the horse sleeps on the couch.
(https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1526106_567791133295090_1277500460_n.jpg)
Jeez I thought a KAT was bad enough!
Quote from: Cindy on January 07, 2014, 12:54:09 AM
Jeez I thought a KAT was bad enough!
Nah, KAT gets the bed.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FfuHIUSl.png&hash=442c2835e73a95e04680c62442c86d83cbab950c)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FUebi1rM.jpg&hash=70fa4efd1ee0b26714cb2ba2e70f2394fa64355e)
I had another one about spaghetti.. But it's kinda saucy
Quote from: dalebert on January 04, 2014, 09:59:04 PM
Sometimes a c**k block (http://imgur.com/f6d6rFE) isn't so bad. Actually SFW.
Awesome! Esp. the glow-in-the-dark one.
A transsexual walked into a bar- and said "$%^&*$%^$# that hurt!".
Some people are affronted by naked butts, others are abutted by naked fronts.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FlIarzhk.jpg&hash=b21dfdcc09716e89e2f6ddd41867719a33c0bf38)
Quote from: dalebert on January 07, 2014, 09:27:51 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FlIarzhk.jpg&hash=b21dfdcc09716e89e2f6ddd41867719a33c0bf38)
You know, I was really expecting the punchline to be "intellectual property."
(https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1488646_476342419138543_1431009660_n.jpg)
(https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/1555524_10152107235447866_1027655575_n.jpg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FfKzG3U3.png&hash=fe82f11f793d8b46c71d6989727d8f6792b0c3ff)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FA7ATdKX.png&hash=b852a44c370c46570825ca4a043943178d49759c)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FMXzl2Zd.png&hash=5fc17982fb66176754ab95f38306ac1c39437a32)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fvy98Aiv.jpg&hash=6d60d0d67ea14db630e451eed3d4378c1f32edf3)
God bless you, cows!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fpb24ZWR.jpg&hash=4a1dbef3eff97ed73cad866998af50f69ae95e5b)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FhgIhWj2.jpg&hash=93727b92858a40e85bc30f835fb03258d476e258)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FZEbXKqn.jpg&hash=c97bad06753ea6154c5007fd4b5867fa00b16c02)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FkdWczaq.jpg&hash=17d18a07374a5c335149a1f5828d7862f66a050e)
Quote from: dalebert on January 10, 2014, 03:18:30 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fvy98Aiv.jpg&hash=6d60d0d67ea14db630e451eed3d4378c1f32edf3)
Belly rubz?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FbGyffgI.jpg&hash=35899d66d280b4fe98baebd3b916ea658f7948be)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fm.quickmeme.com%2Fimg%2Fe1%2Fe18de059722346adff9296e6a92695f7d36c10993bdccbc7c727527889a0fbd9.jpg&hash=5390840bb8526474144e8b5270b7ee54dbf98190)
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/1527104_198205617050421_900035998_n.jpg)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FgJRfpsq.jpg&hash=7031d1ecc67c96adde2afe06a6f9c5a7775cfb54)
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F6etFbLK.jpg&hash=33bf12092398229a8f58548e39762f80099c101a)
Never get jealous
when you see
your ex with
someone else, because
our parents
taught us to give our used
toys to the
less fortunate
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fd24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net%2Fphoto%2FaXbNjN2_460s_v1.jpg&hash=3e973c5e1ebcfce61236286ae94e7c8ba9709fd3)
Now this is what you call "drag queen"!
(Every time I post here I feel that I top the whole concept of bad jokes)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.memehead.com%2Fimages%2F2013%2FMarch%2F11%2F513e486452776.jpg&hash=274cbbd688a52cab2d0d5b11fc6b3674f8e7fe42)
Just saying...
I waited for 20 minutes in the restroom because the sign said, "Employees must wash hands."
I got tired of waiting for an employee and just washed my own hands.
I went to the toilet and there was a sign saying "Wet Floor"
Must I?
So while I'm at the doctor about my shoulder, I asked him why I won't grow. I'm the same size I was in 7th grade, but about to graduate from high school this year. "Why won't I grow??" I asked.
He said, "Relax. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Edited for obscenity for your convenience.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FpQ8xt3f.jpg&hash=3b60f34cc8adcd26687e370fe965b69abeaf9131)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FD8ffniY.jpg&hash=41f0a28a1c9afc634fd39a5c86ff8744f9d8169b)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FXO6Nl3Q.jpg&hash=77d6f4ea5148a19bf2ee4dbb065e1d0879f25864)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FSl5hnND.jpg&hash=8e314fb2472c01d5a1e311ec2cf72b24c7ba6b52)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FmEMSR7P.jpg&hash=6f68d1ea2f8b764ef3752f94b428206fb4a7824e)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcalvinlawson.files.wordpress.com%2F2008%2F07%2Felephant_larger_than_moon1.jpg&hash=8732d769d9018f95cc862cb0269427574dca9686)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FdKEA7Bl.jpg&hash=db8070970fb88f09f74a95d953732b71a9ee1964)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fo0SireU.gif&hash=3d194c915f917657a5b9edbe973b0d2608797b3c)
What is it called when a giant squid can't stop laughing?
Kraken up.
Which way does the Cyclops wing his eyeliner?
It doesn't matter, because Nobody is going to criticize it.
Quote from: Constance on January 20, 2014, 08:48:53 PM
Which way does the Cyclops wing his eyeliner?
It doesn't matter, because Nobody is going to criticize it.
NOBODY KILLS POLYPHEMUS!!!!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Ffx6UsUn.jpg&hash=342406ce5a518bb590c1332f955421416f326986)
That person resting on the 'puters looks like my Endo.
Your endo is Bill Gates from the past!!!
Bill Gates' kid?
I had my spine removed.
It was holding me back.
Remember that whenever you get the urge to delete all your social network accounts, drop out of school and live in the woods that it's not a good idea to just Thoreau your life away like that.
Quote from: Constance on January 23, 2014, 09:52:08 AM
I had my me spine removed.
It was holding me back.
FTFY
Now it sounds like someone speaking with a Jamaican accent. :)
Quote from: dalebert on January 23, 2014, 02:12:41 PM
Quote from: Constance on January 23, 2014, 09:52:08 AM
I had my me spine removed.
It was holding me back.
FTFY
Now it sounds like someone speaking with a Jamaican accent. :)
Yeah, it works better that way.
Quote from: Constance on January 23, 2014, 09:52:08 AM
I had my spine removed.
It was holding me back.
I think it's funny! But then again, my sense of comedy is really bad.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FJavQQxK.png&hash=7466458a707d16af4a40f13389bce3165acc2366)
I saw a trans t-shirt that said, "I royally f*&^ed with my endocrine system and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FW9KJYNm.jpg&hash=c85335ebcf505f4825734bc521def547256504a0)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FUrJBRiE.jpg&hash=fff8d6d8e2084dfd5472943c50a2da55e41f29e7)
Quote from: Jill F on January 23, 2014, 04:12:56 PM
I saw a trans t-shirt that said, "I royally f*&^ed with my endocrine system and all I got was this lousy T-shirt boobs."
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FJSYLgts.png&hash=4d9972ef403ecff0aed5dc4edd4ee585b1a0f665)
Quote from: Gwynne on January 23, 2014, 05:04:40 PM
I saw a trans t-shirt that said, "I royally f*&^ed with my endocrine system and all I got was this lousy T-shirt boobs."
But wasn't that the point?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FtfWym6o.jpg&hash=fa67a78fd7f820d5a84632c2a4f955877df58f71)
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1/q71/1527108_645756898798998_1345406788_n.jpg)
Jedi entrance only (http://imgur.com/XN3X6rf)
Give it a moment...
Quote from: dalebert on January 24, 2014, 10:33:01 AM
Jedi entrance only (http://imgur.com/XN3X6rf)
Give it a moment...
Took a second!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9C4HARP.jpg&hash=23e8ab3261f4b098d184d276c3a57f1534063ab7)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FWCWQptg.jpg&hash=b5d3154d7dc3b8642db97bcb060425d97603cd1c)
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Neverlands.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FP8nuLUv.jpg&hash=88d29999140d1063034efe5a4f1fbb403054bb29)
If I only go down on girls, does that make me a strict vagitarian?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FpPymcxX.jpg&hash=14ffaf486b22b6b3dca067d99c873f51742b9791)
Quote from: Jill F on January 24, 2014, 09:30:56 PM
If I only go down on girls, does that make me a strict vagitarian?
Ah, and if a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Quote from: dalebert on January 24, 2014, 09:36:00 PM
Ah, and if a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Contractarianism
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.watoday.com.au%2F2010%2F10%2F20%2F1997126%2Fthumb320--man-paper-eating.jpg&hash=9764af474b7dc060c4b974226e76f650636b65f9)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FGmyHwFW.jpg&hash=06ffe5f4433612c5596fc2a619d601266da0dfed)
Quote from: dalebert on January 24, 2014, 10:46:07 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FGmyHwFW.jpg&hash=06ffe5f4433612c5596fc2a619d601266da0dfed)
I don't get it. :-\
Quote from: Gwynne on January 24, 2014, 10:49:01 PM
I don't get it. :-\
The kid has a mullet. You know, business in the front, party in the back. Or in this case, translated to kid terms.
Proof bunnies can fly (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxFfxTZA6ao)
Quote from: big head horsey-face on January 24, 2014, 11:04:29 PM
The kid has a mullet. You know, business in the front, party in the back. Or in this case, translated to kid terms.
Not familiar with the reference. Thanks tho. :-\
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
Quote from: Gwynne on January 24, 2014, 11:33:58 PM
Not familiar with the reference. Thanks tho. :-\
That's right, in Canada it's called "Hockey hair."
During her physical examination, a doctor asked a middle-aged woman about her physical activity level.
The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical;
I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I went to the bathroom behind some big trees.
I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull elk.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine."
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"
"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really >-bleeped-<ty golfer".
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FWBbXsNj.jpg&hash=6c38194e32b8793c2df2083663752fc9b8ccc9e6)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FfjjWgIF.jpg&hash=25035ea7b5ad5651ba09043d1dd962b30b1f1ce5)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FxSyocxj.jpg&hash=b8edb29cf45c24a87199fb0b0be0a6574bb68556)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FrOp90Yj.jpg&hash=46634dbaa2cd3b50dbc0fc1433e0662303b27c39)
Quote from: dalebert on January 28, 2014, 02:55:50 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FrOp90Yj.jpg&hash=46634dbaa2cd3b50dbc0fc1433e0662303b27c39)
Lol.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F6ElDp4E.jpg&hash=e271942f09f27c7563cfab3afe5fd0fb21ddff02)
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
Quote from: JS on January 28, 2014, 07:47:35 PM
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture up?
Quote from: dalebert on January 28, 2014, 08:40:02 PM
It only takes one nail to hang the picture up?
Too soon?
Quote from: dalebert on January 28, 2014, 08:40:02 PM
It only takes one nail to hang the picture up?
You nailed it.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1u7hrtY.jpg&hash=e13cbf4a4397a3e81b30dadbae833f1864bb5d00)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F8yBuhWF.jpg&hash=1484aca1fc43756d6b854b6bf2abf96fd8437436)
Quote from: dalebert on January 29, 2014, 08:59:38 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F8yBuhWF.jpg&hash=1484aca1fc43756d6b854b6bf2abf96fd8437436)
:-X
Quote from: dalebert on January 24, 2014, 11:22:14 PM
Proof bunnies can fly (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxFfxTZA6ao)
Am I terrible for laughing? :D
Quote from: Nikko on January 29, 2014, 04:33:27 PM
Am I terrible for laughing? :D
Yes. And welcome to the terrible club!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGx1PJCYAEA
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
- Groucho Marx
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FDY4AH6k.gif&hash=b83479f0f934128b78d8a7821148c2588dca6bea)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfpqLFff89U
!!
Quote from: dalebert on January 29, 2014, 11:28:57 PM
*url to pickup line vid*
Speaking of pickup lines.. the one I do the most is:
Did it hurt?
- ???
When you fell down from heaven?
- Aaaw
... because your face looks smashed.
Quote from: dalebert on January 30, 2014, 01:04:47 PM
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
- Groucho Marx
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
-Groucho
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fhnylzpt.jpg&hash=f3d189d516bba1a3c91ea9e3179dd4a4d01e4e37)
Young Latina girl rides huge cock (SFW) (http://imgur.com/gUsq32o)
Now I know why I still don't have a boyfriend.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FSWl7Bcb.jpg&hash=d8c83e1cc24e7553d3656921954f2b451016b3f9)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FeAQjzeE.jpg&hash=dba163356145eb539596be3270ab5b9b1b085ab3)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fib3QB1a.jpg&hash=be4cc284c402b41fde140c1832fcbf91e765bc74)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FPSAS4YY.png&hash=f1f78ba681f1b8c381dfd2878a77b0ac342ee591)
Keep them coming! Many of these are new to me. :)
A fair chunk of these are from >-bleeped-< but I'm finding some gems on Diaspora.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fjm4a20o.jpg&hash=993656b35e66fc1aa7a3d08a0de76c9e55df00e8)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fh6nBki4.jpg&hash=630dd6c18295bb822dcc539ba4acb947820d3fbb)
Quote from: dalebert on January 31, 2014, 09:01:15 AM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fjm4a20o.jpg&hash=993656b35e66fc1aa7a3d08a0de76c9e55df00e8)
???
I know it's a play on words, but it's spelled "fourth". However, this is the thread for bad jokes, and this joke is terrible. ;D
Quote from: 930310 on January 31, 2014, 10:55:01 AM
???
I know it's a play on words, but it's spelled "fourth". However, this is the thread for bad jokes, and this joke is terrible. ;D
Unfortunately, a lot of puns don't translate well from the spoken to the written form. If you spelled it correctly, it acts as a spoiler for the
punchline.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F32bOdH6.jpg&hash=995e113149685656c95edfa605a97fed943155d7)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FeJXMKw8.jpg&hash=c2638437b2d5e17840836d1f7b96625b40ed6733)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FB7WSLsj.jpg&hash=2a315308edea0273bc2c41dacfba90012bdd3071)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FF06128x.jpg&hash=196ead7ea0df5f517306d79cbf8d6b2dd197fe53)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F2uaaiM6.png&hash=c5a0a12490fe96346e7642d975cc283d724a4552)
Quote from: dalebert on January 31, 2014, 04:44:13 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FF06128x.jpg&hash=196ead7ea0df5f517306d79cbf8d6b2dd197fe53)
Aww. :D
BUMP ;D
Quote from: dalebert on January 09, 2013, 03:23:55 PM
This is REALLY juvenile... and I couldn't stop laughing. I'm so ashamed of myself.
What?!
Star Wars: Hard of Hearing Vader (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3lScCvnkEQ#)
OMG, this one made me cry (from laughing)... :D :D :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=xh3Wveg4DMk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=xh3Wveg4DMk)
Quote from: Ahn A. Sabbatical on February 01, 2014, 01:35:19 AM
BUMP ;D
OMG. I had forgotten posting that. I just watched it again and my eyes are watering. I almost choked on my oatmeal and had to stop eating until it was over.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F37kNuT2.jpg&hash=a27cded8e12ab2705531854bd24143fbd7ce5b88)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FcmyWABE.jpg&hash=08e3655afe4057ace08ec18807be4a0fa2dca73e)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FeK2Fc0e.gif&hash=65bcacd958188435303266fcd23e745bd8fc9a0f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FJlnNANP.jpg&hash=d80b6f6e11b6663111e65f4aea31ca8349487dd8)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FMvUKKoA.jpg&hash=cf284e12426d5176bbab09d0ac2fdd9800d0c627)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F22LSF4A.jpg&hash=e07b9f348167e18ad2680eb2d0621b0621857b12)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FYa4kuNL.jpg&hash=6baf23b4b693edbeefecd637ea16f17f59cf0d19)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FMHxezgH.jpg&hash=4ecb452fd592ab266bc7fef7bc897a129b2d6c61)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffc06.deviantart.net%2Ffs70%2Ff%2F2013%2F275%2F0%2F0%2Flesbians_eat_what__by_renatabls-d6ozn3r.jpg&hash=87531b9de9759b8003caddfbe8297bbf69c09059)
Quote from: Kittenswithmittens on February 01, 2014, 11:09:02 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffc06.deviantart.net%2Ffs70%2Ff%2F2013%2F275%2F0%2F0%2Flesbians_eat_what__by_renatabls-d6ozn3r.jpg&hash=87531b9de9759b8003caddfbe8297bbf69c09059)
OMG! My wife and I laughed so hard when reading this.
Misery Loves Company, by Dale Everett
Maybe I'll find a place for this in a screenplay some day.
EXT. sidewalk in a park
JOHN
What was that?
BOB
What?
JOHN
You just smiled and looked all giddy for a moment.
BOB
I did?
JOHN
(annoyed)
Yes!
BOB
Oh! I was feeling happy and giddy.
JOHN
(frustrated)
No kidding. I mean, why. What was it all about?
BOB
(He pauses to think about it for a moment.)
I can't remember now.
(JOHN does it again, more noticeably this time.)
JOHN
There it was again!
BOB
Oh, that time I was thinking about lunch. I made chicken salad with apple pieces. It's really good.
JOHN
You got excited about chicken salad?
BOB
You don't like chicken salad?
JOHN
Chicken salad is okay but I don't get excited about it. I love pizza but I don't have a freaking miniature orgasm over it.
BOB
Oh, I remember now!
JOHN
Remember what?
BOB
What I was excited about before, before the chicken salad.
I was thinking how nice it is that it's not raining so we could go for a walk.
JOHN
What? That's not something to be happy about. Not giddy. It's like Torette's, these bursts of excitement you get. It's not normal and it's a little annoying. You're overly cheery, particularly when other people are not so cheery and frankly, it's not very considerate.
BOB
Sorry.
JOHN
You know what you're problem is?
(BOB shakes his head "no".)
JOHN
Your standards are too low.
(BOB just looks confused.)
JOHN
You get happy about the silliest little thing. It makes no sense. It's kind of retarded. This is just a regular day. No it's not raining, but it is kind of overcast. We're walking because my car broke down; not because it's a nice day.
You're having chicken salad for lunch because your lunch break is too short to go out and you had to fix your own lunch and you can't cook. It's all kinda sh**ty, so be realistic.
(They walk along for a bit more in silence, JOHN looking very self-conscious and glancing back over at BOB now and then. His eyes suddenly get really big and he clenches his lips tightly shut, obviously suppressing something.)
JOHN
What now?!
BOB
What are you talking about?
JOHN
You aren't hiding it well. You're happy again. What is it this time.
BOB
(pointing and smiling)
I saw my favorite color.
(JOHN throws his arms up and spins around.)
JOHN
Seriously? Seriously. Look around you, BOB. There are colors everywhere.
BOB
I know. (smiling big) It's beautiful. Isn't it awesome?
JOHN
No, BOB! No it's not awesome. By any rational notion of awesome, it most definitely is not. You know why?
(BOB looks confused again.)
JOHN
Because awesome implies something rare. If everything were awesome, nothing would be awesome.
BOB
Well, no. Clearly everything isn't awesome.
JOHN
Thank you.
BOB
But... I really like red and it wasn't just any red. It was like just the right shade and very shiny. You know?
JOHN
Wait. Did you see a shiny sports car?
BOB
Yes! That was it.
JOHN
Okay, now we're getting somewhere. A sports car, especially if it was really expensive and impressive, is something to get excited about.
(BOB looks happy to be vindicated.)
JOHN
Here's the problem.
(BOB looks a little defeated again.)
JOHN
It wasn't your car. (shrugging)
If you had a shiny red sports car, that would be something to get happy about. But you just saw someone else in it, and that's actually kind of depressing, because look at us. We're walking due to car trouble.
BOB
I don't know. I don't care that much about fancy cars. They're expensive and I'd worry about scratching it or getting in an accident and expensive repair bills.
JOHN
You're missing the point. The point is for other people to see you in the car.
BOB
But you just said seeing someone in that car was depressing.
JOHN
Exactly! Meanwhile, the guy who owns the car is happy because he's so much better off. See, it's all relative.
Look, BOB. When you're happy all the time over nothing, it's kinda selfish. Most people don't get happy over nothing. Most people have more rational notions of the kinds of things we should be happy about. That way, being happy actually means something.
(BOB nods while JOHN finishes, but then looks confused and ends shaking his head "no".)
BOB
What does it mean?
JOHN
It means... It means... (growing increasingly flustered)
Look, imagine you're just happy most of the time.
BOB
I am.
JOHN
(sighs)
But see, being unhappy is a key motivation for achieving things. It's like fuel.
BOB
Achieving what exactly?
JOHN
Duh! All the things that make us happy.
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This is God's joke on me.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FraJe0Eu.png&hash=9a0242a6b7bd3a18d2fddfa3e5e485a53eb52719)
I can relate to Batman here. This is a pet peeve of mine as well.
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Backwords:
Why aren't houses called apartments and apartments called togetherments?
Why are they called missiles? Shouldn't they be called hitiles?
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Quote from: dalebert on February 05, 2014, 06:57:18 AM
Backwords:
Why aren't houses called apartments and apartments called togetherments?
Why are they called missiles? Shouldn't they be called hitiles?
why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fel3j5iK.png&hash=1634a2394e08da82614cdb041eb50cc88091439f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FwkrigKT.png&hash=d6e7d03397487fd76b2d014ddeb3dbcd46e78396)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FINnapDh.jpg&hash=e2e7c0c65297c89fb7eede9b1028b7e02cb42a3f)
Backwards...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuCN6CD8j_s&feature=player_embedded (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuCN6CD8j_s&feature=player_embedded)
Quote from: dalebert on February 05, 2014, 10:52:42 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FINnapDh.jpg&hash=e2e7c0c65297c89fb7eede9b1028b7e02cb42a3f)
Really good one!
Quote from: dalebert on February 05, 2014, 10:52:42 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FINnapDh.jpg&hash=e2e7c0c65297c89fb7eede9b1028b7e02cb42a3f)
*golf clap*
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FiIjPSIs.jpg&hash=ec5c604606e9cd57633387412c00266fed594b8b)
This joke requires context (http://www.euronews.com/2014/02/05/sochiproblems-baffled-olympic-journalists-tweet-hilarious-gross-discoveries/).
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FOaaMYEo.png&hash=81e784c73595bbb472350631c9b41d5ac9332335)
Give it a moment... or three.
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We prefer to be called white people or Caucasians. (http://imgur.com/yg8Jkyj)
Quote from: dalebert on February 06, 2014, 05:18:12 PM
Give it a moment... or three.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9dkDoIh.jpg&hash=f376ed490243cfcdf31e5c8d3eb2a1610128b52f)
I still don't get it...
Quote from: dalebert on February 06, 2014, 05:26:40 PM
We prefer to be called white people or Caucasians. (http://imgur.com/yg8Jkyj)
:D :D
Quote from: dalebert on February 06, 2014, 05:18:12 PM
Give it a moment... or three.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9dkDoIh.jpg&hash=f376ed490243cfcdf31e5c8d3eb2a1610128b52f)
Pocket pu**y?
Sochi Winter Olympics - One of the few events one gives thanks that they couldn't afford to attend
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"I see" said the blind man, to his deaf wife, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.
Quote from: Cindy on February 07, 2014, 07:49:31 AM
It's rare, but I still don't get it.
It took a little bit. That's pretty good. :D
Someone answered it. How can you still not get it?
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says "oh >-bleeped-<... I've lost an electron".
His friend asks, "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive" he replies.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FnT8BNPn.jpg&hash=e5b7490207a82bee74427b447e94de592d4651f4)
Quote from: dalebert on February 07, 2014, 01:43:00 PM
Someone answered it. How can you still not get it?
Wait, you're saying it means "Pocket Pussy"?
If you look at it awhile, her large breasts appear to be a cat in her shirt. That's what I thought it was. I don't know what pocket pussy means, but a cat disguised as big boobs is kinda funny. :D
QuoteI don't know what pocket pussy means
A simple sex toy for men. Use your imagination as to what it looks like (or google it).
Quote from: Beth Andrea on February 06, 2014, 07:39:19 PM
Pocket pu**y?
If that's the answer I don't get it. I'm swedish and if there is a sexual reference in there I won't get it anyway.
Quote from: Beth Andrea on February 08, 2014, 01:49:26 AM
A simple sex toy for men. Use your imagination as to what it looks like (or google it).
Ooooh. Now I feel disgusted and shocked. :o
Quote from: Beth Andrea on February 08, 2014, 01:49:26 AM
A simple sex toy for men. Use your imagination as to what it looks like (or google it).
Ooooh. Now I feel disgusted and shocked. :o
(sorry for the plagiarism 930310, but it was purely coincidental! ::))
But seriously, I'm glad I didn't 'get it' now. :D
I've been posting in this thread so long that I can't remember which jokes I've already told and it's way to long to check and see. Oh well. I'm not a Christian but the Christians in the forum will appreciate this one.
A guy is in his house and there's a flood. The waters are rising. He's standing in his doorway watching the level slowly climb up his porch. A hauling truck with huge wheels comes by and offers him a ride to higher ground. "Hurry, before the level rises higher and we can't even move the truck!"
"Carry on. I have said my prayers. I have faith in the Lord."
A little while later, the first floor of his house is flooded and he's standing and looking out from an upstairs window.
A guy in a little motorboat pulls up to his house and offers him a ride.
"Carry on. Save room in your boat for others of lesser faith. I have said my prayers to the Lord."
Finally the man is up on his roof and water is still coming down in buckets. A helicopter comes near and drops a rope ladder. The man waves it on and shouts, "No! I have faith in the Lord!"
They probably couldn't hear him and seemed really confused but they finally leave him.
He finds himself at the heavenly gates in front of St. Peter. He exclaims "Why? Why did this happen to me? My faith was like a rock!"
St. Peter looks confused and says "We heard your prayers and we sent a truck, a boat, and finally a helicopter. How DID you end up here so soon?"
Quote from: 930310 on February 08, 2014, 06:15:29 AM
I'm swedish and if there is a sexual reference in there I won't get it anyway.
It didn't even occur to me that folks wouldn't know of the... the... yeah. Anyway. The irony is that tons of sex toys in America are labeled "Swedish" as if that carries some kind of clout for sex toys! Do an amazon search if you don't believe me. Also "Swedish massage" is big here, whatever that means, and sex toys are often marketed out in the open as massage devices as a kind of code word.
Quote from: dalebert on February 08, 2014, 09:12:52 AM
I've been posting in this thread so long that I can't remember which jokes I've already told and it's way to long to check and see. Oh well. I'm not a Christian but the Christians in the forum will appreciate this one.
A guy is in his house and there's a flood. The waters are rising. He's standing in his doorway watching the level slowly climb up his porch. A hauling truck with huge wheels comes by and offers him a ride to higher ground. "Hurry, before the level rises higher and we can't even move the truck!"
"Carry on. I have said my prayers. I have faith in the Lord."
A little while later, the first floor of his house is flooded and he's standing and looking out from an upstairs window.
A guy in a little motorboat pulls up to his house and offers him a ride.
"Carry on. Save room in your boat for others of lesser faith. I have said my prayers to the Lord."
Finally the man is up on his roof and water is still coming down in buckets. A helicopter comes near and drops a rope ladder. The man waves it on and shouts, "No! I have faith in the Lord!"
They probably couldn't hear him and seemed really confused but they finally leave him.
He finds himself at the heavenly gates in front of St. Peter. He exclaims "Why? Why did this happen to me? My faith was like a rock!"
St. Peter looks confused and says "We heard your prayers and we sent a truck, a boat, and finally a helicopter. How DID you end up here so soon?"
I love that joke. I think it has a lot of wisdom too, I use it with people when they don't see the positive things available to them in their lives. My punch line is slightly different, it goes... "Well heck, we sent you a truck, a boat, and a helicopter... what more did you want??!". ;)
Yours is probably better. :)
Quote from: Nikko on February 08, 2014, 09:22:35 AM
Yours is probably better. :)
Meh, every time I tell a joke, it changes a little bit.
Spongebob is brilliance upon brilliance. I love it when they go to the "beach".
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A Christian was walking in the woods when all of a sudden, he came upon a big, hungry Grizzly Bear. Well, the Christian didn't have any weapons, and he knew he couldn't outrun the bear, so he dropped to his knees, raised his hands to the sky and said, "God, please convert this bear to a Christian, such that he may show mercy and spare me my life".
All of a sudden, the bear dropped to his knees, raised his hands to the sky and said, "God, thank you for blessing me with this meal!"
I heard about this man, he was the only Protestant in a large Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday during Lent, while all of his neighbors were eating cold fish, he would be in his back yard, grilling a steak. They just couldn't stand the temptation so they decided to try to convert him to Catholicism
He finally agreed. The Priest sprinkled water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, but now, you're a Catholic."
The next year, on the first Friday of Lent, the neighbors smelled the same smell in the air. They rushed to his house. He was in the back yard sprinkling water over his steak, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, but now you're a fish."
A lady on a plane was reading her Bible. A man next to her asked, "Do you believe all of that?"
"Yes, I do!" she said. "It's the Bible."
"What about the guy in the whale?" said the man.
"You mean Jonah?" said the lady.
"Yes, three days in the belly of a whale! How could anyone survive?"
The lady paused for a moment, then said, "I don't know. I'll ask him when I get to heaven."
The man said sarcastically, "What if he's not in heaven?"
"Then you're gonna have to ask him." she said.
A Hindu priest, a rabbi, and a televangelist were traveling together, and when night came they asked a farmer if they could stay with him. The farmer was willing but pointed out that he only had room for two of them to sleep in the house, so the 3rd would have to sleep in the barn. The men agreed and the Hindu priest volunteered to sleep in the barn.
A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu priest saying there was a cow in the barn which was a sacred animal to him, so he couldn't sleep there. The rabbi volunteered to go out instead.
A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. It was the rabbi saying there was a pig in the barn so he couldn't sleep there as it wouldn't be kosher. So the televangelist said that he'd go sleep in the barn and off he went.
A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F6ZY8v7Y.jpg&hash=655770184e3caea0ed1d746466a996dd68cee9bd)
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Quote from: dalebert on February 10, 2014, 01:56:45 PM
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Hahaha! ;D
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For that cat tshirt picture, I thought it was Puss in Boobs.. and giggled. Then saw the answer.. and giggled more.
What was the direct consequence of the Diet of Worms?
Increased protein.
Hi friends :)
Guess what... it's time for More Bad Jokes (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,159360.msg1357814.html#msg1357814) :laugh: