Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey guys, my name is Avery. It's my first post, so here's my story. AMAB, but I identify as a trans woman, trans tomboy to be more precise. I say tomboy because I really like tomboy fashion for one, but also I've never had any interest in make up or dresses or other super femme clothes and I just generally feel more comfortable with that term because there's a degree of gender freedom with it that I really appreciate after being trapped by masculinity for so long.

I've had gender dysphoria since at least elementary school. I'm an atheist now, but I got really desperate towards the end of elementary and tried praying  every night for months to wake up as a girl the next day. The prayers went through various modifications, slowly withering away in magnitude as they spiraled down through various levels of desperation as time went on.

Eventually I just gave up and figured nothing could be done (trans people had pretty much zero exposure ion the media at the time, so I didn't even know what trans was), so I ignored the dysphoria the best I could. This meant tens of thousands of hours in video games, plus more time spent obsessing over various other hobbies over the years like skateboarding, guitar, and foreign languages.
Usually this would be enough to get by, but the problem I repressed would just come out in other ways like when I was in middle school and I would sometimes sit on the bathroom floor with a pair of scissors wishing that maybe certain things weren't in their present location. A lot of shows and movies I liked also tended to be gender benders of some sort, either gender or body swapping or even just a girl who has to pretend to be a guy like in the Korean drama Coffee Prince.

It wasn't until college, when I was on a documentary binge, that I stumbled upon a documentary on the history of transexuality. That was the first time I got an honest depiction of what it means to be trans with actual trans people talking and not just some reporter going out on the street and asking people what they thought about some trans story. Also, importantly for me, it was the first time I found out that SRS was even possible. I had seen trans women before on certain sites, but they always had that male part still there, so I think that gave me the impression that it wasn't even possible to go "all the way", which, for me at least, includes downstairs.

I wasn't ready to accept being trans back in college though, so I kept running from it until I turned 30 about 7 months ago and realized I couldn't just keep running from it or I'd end up dead like one of my best friends growing up who died a year earlier or my grandpa who died shortly after that. Now I've come out to several people, I've been growing out my hair for 10 months or so, I've been doing laser and HRT for 3 months and when people ask me how I am, I can actually say that I'm doing good. =) It's probably been 10-15 years since I was able to say that.

Welcome Avery,

I can relate to a lot of your story. Stood with a knife more than a few times but never had the courage (thankfully). Lost my faith in my teens... how many times can your prayers go unanswered?  Immersed myself in computer games... well one computer game particularly as an outlet... a chance to be me online. Can relate to all of that.

I wonder, did you also have a fascination for vampire and/or werewolf films... or other films that involved shape-shifting or transforming into something else?

Anyhow, welcome

Hi Avery,

Thanks for sharing your story, I'm sure it resonates with many of us here. Congratulations on taking the steps to find happiness.

Nicole

Hi, Avery!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

Congratulations on understanding yourself, and on starting on your transition journey.  I wish you all the best as it progresses.

Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)	Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html)	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)

@Avery the Grey 
Dear Avery: 
Thank you for writing your very interesting and detail introduction posting.
 
I want to also thank you for recently joining Susan's Place earlier today.  Also, please know that you are always welcome here.  Many of our members will now be aware of your arrival to the Forums and will be able to share with you and you with them regarding your questions and comments.

I see that you have already been Officially Welcomed to Susan's Place
by our lovely member  @KathyLauren .   
Please also allow me to also give your a warm Welcome to Susan's Place.

I am thinking that you may have lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your concerns and questions.
 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here on the Forums if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 
Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 

In her Welcome Message  KathyLauren  included Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.   

Please don't be a stranger, we want to share postings and thoughts with you.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Quote from: Nym on October 13, 2018, 04:04:01 AM

Immersed myself in computer games... well one computer game particularly as an outlet... a chance to be me online. Can relate to all of that.

I wonder, did you also have a fascination for vampire and/or werewolf films... or other films that involved shape-shifting or transforming into something else?

Same here, I played this one mmorpg (not wow) for over 11,000 hours. I also usually went with female avatars in games too, unless you couldn't or there was some armor for the male version that looked really really good or just generally better stats or abilities or something for the male version.

Not vampire or werewolf stuff, but I definitely liked Mystique's shape-shifting ability in X-men and various similar stuff in anime, like the swan guy in One Piece who has the same ability or this other character in one piece whose ability lets them control hormones (and the ability affects not just secondary characteristics like in real life, but primary ones as well). Naruto also has some sort of shadow clone thing I think it was where he could transform into a girl. There's also a good comedy anime called Saiki Kusuo no Ψ-nan where the main character has all kinds of crazy powers, but tries to just live as a normal high schooler. One of those powers is that he can transform into a girl. There's another anime called Kashimashi: girl meets girl where an alien spaceship lands on this high school guy, killing him, and they are able to revive him, but as a girl. Gintama also had a few episodes where they switched the sex of every character, though I didn't really like how they handled the whole thing, can't remember why at this point.

Hi Avery  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi Avery!

I'm new here myself, and I have to be honest, I could have sworn you were almost describing me with that post.

The only real difference I could see is that you are more tomboyish, and I am more femme!

Either way, Avery, I have only been on the site for a few hours now, but I hope you see that you are welcome here! I know how it feels to pray every night to wake up a girl, and being disappointed every morning. I also know how it feels to drown your sorrows in video games. I still play WoW because I actually developed a deep love for the game, and nearly all of my avatars are ladies... Because I can live vicariously through them!

Anyway Avery, just know that you aren't alone out there and we are all here to help you!

Kisses!
-Janna

QuoteIt wasn't until college, when I was on a documentary binge, that I stumbled upon a documentary on the history of transexuality.

Your story is similar to that of many of us here.  I got my first urges when I was about 10 or 11 and wanted to try on my sister's tights.  However, I had absolutely no idea of the concept of trans, until around 16 or 17, when I read a newspaper article about a couple where the husband had a sex change (as it was called back then) to become a woman.  Until then, I thought I was just a weird kid and was terrified someone would find out about it.

Thank you Avery, Alice (nym), and Janna for all of your prayers. I'm sorry that your angst was excruciating, but I believe that those prayers paved the way for the amazing explosion of acceptance that has occurred in our culture during the past few decades. May you shed all of that pain. May you feel immersed in the enlightenment. May you enjoy the peace and joy of expressing yourself.