I remember how scared I was when I first confronted my gender identity. I would have given anything not to be transgender. I wanted so badly to be "normal." I came to Susan's looking for help, guidance, and support, all of which I found in abundance. In return, I have decided to start this thread for those who may be confronting their own authenticity for the first time. If you're scared, angry, or confused, then I understand exactly how you feel as I have been there myself. I found that I am normal; I'm just transgender. I came to understand that I'm not the first transgender person nor am I the only one; others like myself are out there. Furthermore, I found that it's ok to be trans. Most importantly, I learned and continue to learn to love myself for who I am, because as I face the truth about who I am as a transgender person, I realize that is when I need that love the most.
If you are indeed transgender, then you are transgender; there is no cure nor is it an illness. Being transgender is life-long. It is something we are born with and is no more a choice nor a defect than being born left or right-handed. Whether or not to transition is a completely individual decision to make. Not all trans people transition, but many do. Regardless of whether one transitions or not, gender dysphoria must be addressed in some way. Most transgender people find that they can ignore it for only so long; it will not go away. It is up to the individual to decide how best to alleviate the distress. In addition, there is no right or wrong way to transition. Transitioning is tailored to meet the individual. If you are transgender or are afraid you might be, then I strongly suggest seeking a gender therapist. He or she should be well versed in gender identity. Otherwise, you may just be educating the therapist more than he or she is helping you. A good gender therapist will help you identify your feelings, interpret what those feelings mean, and help you decide how best to address them. Above all, be honest with your therapist and with yourself. Your therapist cannot give you the help you need, nor can you help yourself, if you are not completely honest. Also, remember that your therapist has heard it all before. There is no reason to feel shame or guilt. Lastly, know that you are not alone. Many transgender people have been exactly where you are now.
Please feel free to share on this thread your fears, frustrations, or questions in regards to being trans. You are NOT alone. We will get through this together! Whether you transition or not, welcome to the journey to your authentic self.
Hugs to all!!!
Danielle
Great post Danielle ! ! Sums up so much of what it's really like.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Brilliant idea Danielle and an excellent post. I am sure this will receive many posts and questions and thread will be a great assistance to those starting their journey or just thinking about their situation before accepting.
All I can add for the sake of newcomers is when you see your doctor and/or gender therapist, try not to feel embarrassed. I know it is difficult and I was embarrassed at first but I managed to conquer it probably because I knew I had to as that would be easier than continuing to suppress my true self. Now I am not embarrassed at all.
Thank you for the thread.
Hugs
Pamela
Agreed, great topic. Wish I find that resource earlier :)
Not being honest with therapist really makes no sense. To help people doc should see whole picture, and it's important to share as much as possible.
As for me, I just afraid not being allowed to HRT. I never be taught to be man or especially woman, and in additional have professional defomation - I used to not looking at gender at all, I'm faceless nameless voice of my company and my clients faceless, nameless and genderless for me too, so I even cannot be sure if I more feminine than masciline. But I guess I should just pass comission and see what happens.
I'm long past being embarrassed about my dysphoria to my therapist, I just say what I've been feeling. I've spent far too long on this side of the divide, and just can't do it anymore. I know it will take time for the changes to happen, I'm just looking to reduce it as much as is possible.
I've said this before, and I'll continue to say this.
I view my being born the wrong gender as a birth defect that I'm currently working on fixing. This body was already leaning towards the masculine, partially due to genetics and partially due to being a Paramedic for so long that I developed muscles where most female-bodied people don't normally have them. My starting testosterone just pushed me the rest of the way, nothing more.
Being transgender is a life-long "affliction" (for lack of a better term), but you don't have to stay the wrong gender if you choose not to. I chose not to, so I'm taking steps to fix my birth defect in order to become the man I should have been born as.
Great thread, btw! :)
Ryuichi
I find it weird that I found this thread before I decided to actually post my own on this site so I guess I'll do it here.
I don't have any kind of insurance or the ability to pay/make the drive to a therapist usually 3 cities away from me at the current time. Excuse my grammar if I get sloppy or go on too long. I find it hard to even type this because my mind state since a kid and in the military was suffer in silence and deal with it. Honestly, I don't think I have the ability to do that with this issue. Even when typing this I know why I came here and that I want help but don't want it at the same time if that makes sense. I find that I'm constantly on the side of rational and irrational at the same time when trying to figure this out.
What I do know is that from a young age I used to secretly dress up and wear jewelry with perfume when I lived with my grandma and it felt right but was terrified of being caught. The time I was caught they thought it was cute and joked about it but there was something that felt different. Later when I Was in high school I came out only to my sister as bisexual because I figured that was just what it was at the time. From then on I kept having envy of female clothing and feminine mannerisms I guess. I didn't dare act on these urges due to living in Kansas (conservative as hell) and joining the military. I thought joining the military would prove something to myself (maybe masculinity or some >-bleeped-<)even after all the testosterone filled training and war brain washing we received no luck. God I think this will be a long post I'm sorry.
When I got out and lived with my friend and his wife I purchased a dress, wig, makeup and the works to try on when they were out for the night and sat in my room. It felt liberating even if it was for a brief moment but I didn't know if it was a cross dress fetish or If it was something more. I'd browse endlessly on Pinterest for wedding decorations and womens clothing but thinking to myself I'd never get to have or experience these things how I imagined. That's not to say I detested completely when I had to wear a suit and look the part because I fit the image well and it didn't repulse me but I always wanted what my female friends had more.
Since then I've played my part well since I've returned to Kansas. I have a suitcase hidden in my closet with women's clothing and more makeup than I know what to do with. This may seem rather evident to someone from the outside but I still can't tell if I'm actually transgender or if I'm just confused. One of the conundrums that comes into play is that I could see myself being a father and having a wife but in the long run I don't know if that's what I want just because I could do it. It would ruin me in the eyes of my family. Which really feeds into my depression I've dealt with for the past 12 drawn out years 🙄.
I don't know, I'm not looking for all the answers here obviously I'm just lost. I think I just need to at least put these thoughts out there instead of my in my head.
Hi, Indigo691!
Welcome to Susan's.
Your story is similar to that of many members here. I know you said it is difficult to get to a therapist for a number of reasons, but that is where you can find the answers to your questions and start making the changes you want.
Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) to tell the members about yourself. Here is some information that we like to share with new members:
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
@Indigo691
Look at this from a bit different point. It's unlikely that you're cisgender considering all you write here :) You just need to figuring out is crossdressing enough for you or you wanna something more or less. Therapy could be helpful, but I guess it is you who find answers you looking for, and therapist just guide you. If you cannot afford it, try to read about gender issues, talk to people here, and maybe it'll help you to find answers.
And, as people here like to mention, you're not alone ;) remember that
Quote from: Indigo691 on August 17, 2018, 06:46:02 AM
I find it weird that I found this thread before I decided to actually post my own on this site so I guess I'll do it here.
I don't have any kind of insurance or the ability to pay/make the drive to a therapist usually 3 cities away from me at the current time. Excuse my grammar if I get sloppy or go on too long. I find it hard to even type this because my mind state since a kid and in the military was suffer in silence and deal with it. Honestly, I don't think I have the ability to do that with this issue. Even when typing this I know why I came here and that I want help but don't want it at the same time if that makes sense. I find that I'm constantly on the side of rational and irrational at the same time when trying to figure this out.
What I do know is that from a young age I used to secretly dress up and wear jewelry with perfume when I lived with my grandma and it felt right but was terrified of being caught. The time I was caught they thought it was cute and joked about it but there was something that felt different. Later when I Was in high school I came out only to my sister as bisexual because I figured that was just what it was at the time. From then on I kept having envy of female clothing and feminine mannerisms I guess. I didn't dare act on these urges due to living in Kansas (conservative as hell) and joining the military. I thought joining the military would prove something to myself (maybe masculinity or some >-bleeped-<)even after all the testosterone filled training and war brain washing we received no luck. God I think this will be a long post I'm sorry.
When I got out and lived with my friend and his wife I purchased a dress, wig, makeup and the works to try on when they were out for the night and sat in my room. It felt liberating even if it was for a brief moment but I didn't know if it was a cross dress fetish or If it was something more. I'd browse endlessly on Pinterest for wedding decorations and womens clothing but thinking to myself I'd never get to have or experience these things how I imagined. That's not to say I detested completely when I had to wear a suit and look the part because I fit the image well and it didn't repulse me but I always wanted what my female friends had more.
Since then I've played my part well since I've returned to Kansas. I have a suitcase hidden in my closet with women's clothing and more makeup than I know what to do with. This may seem rather evident to someone from the outside but I still can't tell if I'm actually transgender or if I'm just confused. One of the conundrums that comes into play is that I could see myself being a father and having a wife but in the long run I don't know if that's what I want just because I could do it. It would ruin me in the eyes of my family. Which really feeds into my depression I've dealt with for the past 12 drawn out years 🙄.
I don't know, I'm not looking for all the answers here obviously I'm just lost. I think I just need to at least put these thoughts out there instead of my in my head.
Welcome Indigo! I remember how lost I was when I first came to Susan's. That's why I started this thread, so that others who felt as lost and as scared as I did could have a place to go to express what they're feeling. There is a wealth of advice and experience here on the forums. Feel free to post here whenever you need to express yourself. We are all here for you!
Hugs!!
Danielle
Quote from: Danielle Kristina on August 16, 2018, 01:26:59 AM
I remember how scared I was when I first confronted my gender identity. I would have given anything not to be transgender. I wanted so badly to be "normal." I came to Susan's looking for help, guidance, and support, all of which I found in abundance. In return, I have decided to start this thread for those who may be confronting their own authenticity for the first time. If you're scared, angry, or confused, then I understand exactly how you feel as I have been there myself. I found that I am normal; I'm just transgender. I came to understand that I'm not the first transgender person nor am I the only one; others like myself are out there. Furthermore, I found that it's ok to be trans. Most importantly, I learned and continue to learn to love myself for who I am, because as I face the truth about who I am as a transgender person, I realize that is when I need that love the most.
If you are indeed transgender, then you are transgender; there is no cure nor is it an illness. Being transgender is life-long. It is something we are born with and is no more a choice nor a defect than being born left or right-handed. Whether or not to transition is a completely individual decision to make. Not all trans people transition, but many do. Regardless of whether one transitions or not, gender dysphoria must be addressed in some way. Most transgender people find that they can ignore it for only so long; it will not go away. It is up to the individual to decide how best to alleviate the distress. In addition, there is no right or wrong way to transition. Transitioning is tailored to meet the individual. If you are transgender or are afraid you might be, then I strongly suggest seeking a gender therapist. He or she should be well versed in gender identity. Otherwise, you may just be educating the therapist more than he or she is helping you. A good gender therapist will help you identify your feelings, interpret what those feelings mean, and help you decide how best to address them. Above all, be honest with your therapist and with yourself. Your therapist cannot give you the help you need, nor can you help yourself, if you are not completely honest. Also, remember that your therapist has heard it all before. There is no reason to feel shame or guilt. Lastly, know that you are not alone. Many transgender people have been exactly where you are now.
Please feel free to share on this thread your fears, frustrations, or questions in regards to being trans. You are NOT alone. We will get through this together! Whether you transition or not, welcome to the journey to your authentic self.
Hugs to all!!!
Danielle
Thanks you SO much for this!!!!! Where to even begin??
So many hugs!!
Danielle, thanks so much for your post. It meant a lot to me. I have experienced gender dysphoria all my life, but until very recently I was unable to identify correctly. There was no such notion as I was growing into my teen years back in the 1960s and living in a conservative religious environment. When I first put on a dress when I was in my mid-teens and I looked in the mirror and saw myself as a beautiful girl, it felt so very right and also very wrong at the same time. I have never forgotten the vividness of that moment when I saw and felt myself to be that girl. This scared the heck out of me and I thought I must have some weird sex perversion or moral defect. Over the years I crossdressed for short periods of time and sought sexual relief, but it never felt right to be a man dressing in women's clothes. The feeling of something being wrong with me went away and have gotten particularly stronger in the past several years. I became more aware and informed about transgenderism in the past year or two, but always had difficulty in putting myself in that context. When I discovered Susans.org a few weeks ago and started reading about the experiences of so many trans women, I found so much that I could identify with. Your post really put me over the edge. I read it with tears streaming down my face. I can't run from it any more. I know now that I am a trans woman. After reading your post and thinking about it, I felt an enormous relief -- as if I had rediscovered a lost part of myself. I feel both relieved and scared at the same time, but I'm ready to begin this journey.
Thank you and everyone at Susans for sharing your experiences.
Tava
Hi, Tava!
Welcome to Susan's Place.
Your story sounds so familiar! You are in good company here. There are many of us of similar age, whose experiences have been like yours.
Please feel free to stop by the
Introductions forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) to tell the members about yourself. Here is some information that we like
to share with new members:
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service &
Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) |
Standard Terms & Definitions
(https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
| Post Ranks
(including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules
(https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) |
Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html)
|
Photo, avatars,
& signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
|
Quote from: tava on August 18, 2018, 04:10:32 PM
Danielle, thanks so much for your post. It meant a lot to me. I have experienced gender dysphoria all my life, but until very recently I was unable to identify correctly. There was no such notion as I was growing into my teen years back in the 1960s and living in a conservative religious environment. When I first put on a dress when I was in my mid-teens and I looked in the mirror and saw myself as a beautiful girl, it felt so very right and also very wrong at the same time. I have never forgotten the vividness of that moment when I saw and felt myself to be that girl. This scared the heck out of me and I thought I must have some weird sex perversion or moral defect. Over the years I crossdressed for short periods of time and sought sexual relief, but it never felt right to be a man dressing in women's clothes. The feeling of something being wrong with me went away and have gotten particularly stronger in the past several years. I became more aware and informed about transgenderism in the past year or two, but always had difficulty in putting myself in that context. When I discovered Susans.org a few weeks ago and started reading about the experiences of so many trans women, I found so much that I could identify with. Your post really put me over the edge. I read it with tears streaming down my face. I can't run from it any more. I know now that I am a trans woman. After reading your post and thinking about it, I felt an enormous relief -- as if I had rediscovered a lost part of myself. I feel both relieved and scared at the same time, but I'm ready to begin this journey.
Thank you and everyone at Susans for sharing your experiences.
Tava
Hi Tava, and welcome!
I have always wished I were born a girl. I put on my first dress in preschool and knew then that I liked femininity. I seldom ever dressed in my childhood because I rarely had access to anything, but the desires were always there. In adulthood I started dressing occasionally, but it almost always led to a sexual release. Sometimes I planned this sexual satisfaction and sometimes dressing unintentionally led to sexual gratification. Because of this I thought I was a cross-dresser with some type of fetish. Sex aside, I still had feminine feelings and desires within me. I wanted to dress without it leading up to sex; I wanted to be female; I was unhappy with being me. I tried for years to deny it, repress it, and ignore it, none of which worked.
In April my feminine feelings suddenly became stronger than ever! I suddenly went from the occasional indulgence to dressing full time at home, and I completely exchanged my boxers and briefs for panties. When I noticed that my feminine desires were no longer satisfied by the occasional cross-dressing indulgence I began to do some research. I came to Susan's and expressed my fears that I might be transgender. I sought gender therapy as was suggested to me here on the forum, and it turns out that my worst fear came true - I am transgender! I didn't even know what it meant to be trans, even though I have a transgender sister who came out a few years ago. Today, I'm pre-everything but am making my way to transitioning. I can't wait to become the woman I was meant to be.
Tava, I'm so glad you're here. There is a wealth of information here on the forum. Please feel free to come back to this thread or any of the many others on Susan's. If you have questions, don't be afraid to ask. One benefit about sharing here on the forum is that we get to take our journeys together.
Hugs!
Danielle
I really appreciate this thread @Danielle Kristina, and all of the stories in it.
I'm still very confused emotionally, though my logic brain is starting to catch up these days.
There were signs when I was a kid. I only wanted to play with the girls when I was in pre-school, until the teachers told me I couldn't anymore (I was silently furious). In grade school for a year, maybe two, I felt strong feelings of wishing I was born female, but that was pushed aside by fear of being seen as "gay" or "different", and so I suppressed it hard. In high-school I had mostly female friends, my parents warred me that I needed to have male friends or I'd become a girl myself, I didn't see that outcome as bad except for the ridicule and shame that would come with it, so I squashed it hard.
And it wasn't until age 30 that it came back, somehow in the intervening time I was "fine", which is a source of doubt for me, how can I be legitimately trans if I didn't feel anything for those years? Clearly that long period of feeling OK must be evidence that what I'm feeling now is somehow "fake" right? (logic brain chiming in, it's BS, these feelings are real, they are valid, I am valid and worthy, and so are you!).
There are some days when I don't feel any dysphoria, therefore I must not really be trans right? Any half-decent gender therapist will tell you that's not true at all. But I still struggle believing it.
I don't feel the urge to be feminine all the time, and some feminine things I never really want for myself, therefore I'm not really trans, I'm just a privileged dude wanting some way to be unique and show off so people will feel sorry for me. This, is also BS, because when I'm alone and no-one can see me is when I feel safest in expressing these things, it isn't about others, what's about others is hiding who I am from the world.
I'll happily tell all of you that you're feelings are real and valid, and that you're worthy of being yourself!
I'll also accept if anyone wants to tell me that those things I wrote above about myself, those doubts, are in fact BS.
Quote from: Sam1066 on August 19, 2018, 11:56:41 PMI'll also accept if anyone wants to tell me that those things I wrote above about myself, those doubts, are in fact BS.
...
how can I be legitimately trans if I didn't feel anything for those years? Clearly that long period of feeling OK must be evidence that what I'm feeling now is somehow "fake" right? (logic brain chiming in, it's BS, these feelings are real, they are valid, I am valid and worthy, and so are you!).
That one got me more than a few times. What I have learned recently is that
not feeling was my main coping strategy. Feelings hurt too much, so I learned not to feel. I didn't feel male, didn't feel female, didn't feel gay, didn't feel straight, didn't feel good, didn't feel bad, etc.
I never felt okay, though I thought I did. What I called 'okay' was just not feeling bad.
When a therapist asked me what I felt about something, I literally did not know how to answer, because I didn't feel.
Lack of feeling didn't indicate anything, other than childhood trauma, because it was a
lack of data.
When your emotions let you down, listen to your logic. And, of course, when logic lets you down, listen to your emotions. In this case, I think you know that you need to listen to your logic.
To Sam1066: I can totally relate to what you experienced. I dressed as a kid probably from 6 years old to 15 years of age. Then I stopped. Not sure why, I just did. I didn't feel the need anymore and it lasted until I was probably 27. And then it started up again. Unfortunately, I got married a while before the urges came back. I don't mean unfortunately I got married.....as I love my wife very much. I just mean, when I got married, I didn't tell my fiancee' anything about it because honestly, it never crossed my mind. I had never really even given my crossdressing as a kid much thought either. It was just something I had done and I guess I had surmised it was just childhood curiosity. Anyway, once the urge came back, it just increased in intensity year after year. I had the usual feelings of shame, disgust with myself, guilt and I did many a purge with the vow to never dress again. Only the feeling/urge would eventually return and I would just have to go out and buy even more than I previously had. Fast forward, now I am 57, on HRT, getting electrolysis, and considering FFS (already had my initial consultation). Why the feelings left for a little over 10 years is a mystery to me. But once they came back, it hit me with a vengeance.
Breeze.. We have similar circumstances but it did cause my first wife to leave. I have been married to my second wife for 35 years. I too quit for a long period. I moved to Seattle 21 years ago and for about 16 of those years I did not indulge. But like you it came back with a vengeance. If not for a breakdown a couple years ago I would not be on HRT for two years. I don't know and can't explain it. When I had my first doses of estrogen it was like my body saying Ahh! Today I don't know what I would have done without it.. I no longer suffer guilt, anger, depression. There are a few days don't get me wrong but for the most part I am steady as a rock. It's like someone turned the light on in the closet. I have since met some really wonderful people at my support groups and now enjoy going out and spending the evening. I don't drink anymore so I don't go to bars. But I am game for just about everything else.
Kathy... I was on anti depressants for so long I didn't have feelings either. In fact I went to the doctor and asked for something that would give feelings back. It's tough when you withdraw from everyone less they know your secrets, I have to say estrogen definitely changed that. I love dressing up and all that but I have to put stability at the top of the list of things I most appreciate about estrogen.
Quote from: Danielle Kristina on August 16, 2018, 01:26:59 AM
If you are indeed transgender, then you are transgender; there is no cure nor is it an illness. Being transgender is life-long. It is something we are born with and is no more a choice nor a defect than being born left or right-handed. Whether or not to transition is a completely individual decision to make. Not all trans people transition, but many do. Regardless of whether one transitions or not, gender dysphoria must be addressed in some way. Most transgender people find that they can ignore it for only so long; it will not go away. It is up to the individual to decide how best to alleviate the distress. In addition, there is no right or wrong way to transition. Transitioning is tailored to meet the individual.
Hugs to all!!!
Danielle
Hello again
As I said at the start comment 2 this thread will be most useful to those who think they may be trans and may incorrectly think they are alone.
You correctly also point out and others have confirmed that Gender Dysphoria which can be buried and/or suppressed but it never goes away and indeed it comes back repeatedly with greater ferocity each time. I knew I was trans from childhood and first tried on a dress at 8 and really enjoyed it and crossdressed and bodyshaved all my adult life. I thought I could live with it, manage it despite a lifetime of depression and eventually die with my secret. However due to "the dam having been burst", I had no choice other than to seek therapy at age 62 and then HRT.
So having previously discounted anything more than the two above practices, I have now decided to publicly transition in 2019. I am just waiting for more physical changes from HRT and BHR (Body Hair Removal).
Most definitely the first action for all of us must be to seek help from a gender therapist.
Hugs to all
Pamela