Oh how many times I've made an account here and then deleted it in frustration as roadblock after roadblock, some ordained by a higher power, some self imposed by fear, were erected in my path to mental peace. I'm now 41 years old, 15 lbs heavier and pudgier round the middle than I feel comfortable with, but I realize now that I was rushing at 37 to make a narrative happen before the celestial writers had set everything up for success.
I've shared my story here long ago but the gist is; I was underemployed, had no health insurance, sprang the idea of transition on my wife out of the blue (she was already aware that I'm transgender,) my daughter was still too young to understand and I think I was immature in my goals. At the end of a nasty ultimatum, I tossed my prescription in the trash bin and soldiered on.
Flash forward to 2018, and at 41, I've got a steady job, my career is in full swing, I have health insurance, my wife has had time to grow an understanding of what this all means and how our life together can adapt and flourish under these circumstances, my daughter has come to accept the idea, and my goal is simple: to feel better, comfortable with who I am and be my best self.
About three weeks ago, I started properly again and this time it's lovely.
And in a hilarious turn of events, I've realized something. I feel more like a woman now even in cargo pants and a t shirt, than I ever did wearing pretty dresses and high heels. All of that seems to have been an expression of some deep rooted desire to belong, to get right and with the dysphoria sort of evaporating, that sense I was looking for is there in the forefront. Like, I still feel comfortable in women's dress clothes, but it's not required any more. I can just... be.
I'm still stealth at work and haven't broached the subject with my father and mother but I'm okay with that for now. It just feels like we'll tackle these issues as a family one at a time if and when they come up.
I look forward to sharing this journey with all of you.
Hi elle's bells 🙋♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place! I'm Jessica.
I'm so happy you have found a path that helps you be you and works with your wife and daughter.
I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red. It has answers to questions that are commonly asked. Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.
Please feel free to stop by the Introductions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) Forum to tell the members about yourself!
Things that you should read
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Hi, elle's bells, and welcome to the forum. Congratulations on starting HRT. It sounds like you are doing transition right this time around. I wish you smooth sailing.
Many of us, including myself have a history of false starts. We try our best to work things out. We are in a state of denial. We deny that we have this condition called gender dysphoria. We have done everything within our power to work this out and it is still there within us.
We all must make our own decision. And accept the consequences, both personal and financial. But many times we are much happier after all is done. ;)
@elle's bells
Welcome back Elle, It sounds like things are coming together in a much more coherent way this time!
Well done, I look forward to reading more about you in the future.
Take care,
Sonja.
@Elle's bells
Hello Elle, Thank you for introducing yourself. Congratualtions on starting your HRT... I will post another comment regarding HRT in a few moments but first things first.
I am glad that you have become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your introductory posting with other members here on the Forums.
I am thinking that you may lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with what you may be going through.
I see that one of our forums Moderators and very lovely member @Jessica has already welcomed you but also please allow me now to also warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here.
Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
Below the Welcome Message that @Jessica posted, she included Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place. Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
As she indicated please look closely at the LINKS in RED, there answers there to many questions that new members ask.
Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
@Elle's bells
Dear Elle:Well, certainly CONGRATULATIONS are in order for you.... write this date down in your journal, it will be a day to celebrate.
As has been stated over and over here on the Forums... and by me in many of my comments on various posts, HRT will work uniquely on your unique body.
What you read about other transtioning members experiences with HRT most likely will not be identical to your own experiences.
Some will experience more significant changes more quickly and then some will experience less significant changes more slowly.... it is all up to your genes and how your body reacts to the HRT. Your doctor will be looking at your frequent blood test results to determine if any alterations in the HRT regimen are needed.
The adage around here that you should know regarding HRT and how it may work for various individuals is "YMMV" meaning that Your Mileage May Vary.
PATIENCE is definitely required.... usually not much happens very quickly with HRT... but changes will happen. Do some reading of other transitioners posts and look many of the posted HRT timelines and the before and after pictures. .... they can give you a rough idea of what you MIGHT expect.
All of this is very "EXCITING and SCARY all at the same time." Hang on for an amazing ride.
We are here to rejoice with you in the good times and to support you in the not so good times.
One more time.... PATIENCE is required. The attitude of many people today is "I want it all and I want it now" ... that will not apply to HRT.
Hugs and well wishes... we will be looking for your updates as you feel free to post them.
Danielle
Congratulations Elle on starting HRT - its a wonderful feeling as you know when you take the first tablet and/or apply the first patch. You'll remember that day forever.
Welcome to the HRT joyride and I wish you every happiness on your journey as a whole.
Hugs
Pamela
Thank you all for the very warm welcome! I'm a little nervous about this all because aside from some Paxil prescribed in my teens, that I quickly decided wasn't the answer to my problems, I've never had health issues or at least ones that required me to take medicine with any sort of regularity. My new normal is a little frightening.
Hi Elle,
It really is amazing how HRT reduces dysphoria. The reduction in existential angst - ability to just be - the reduction in the compulsion to dress. Everything really does become less frenetic. Just wishing you the very best in the new chapter of family life. Maybe you can pass on some good tips to me as things unfold.
Yours truly, Kirsten.
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Congrats on the courage to move forward. Life is short
Thank you all for the supportive words and encouragement!
A quick update on my progress and a kind of warning of what to expect in a worst case scenario kind of way... The hormonal sea changes temporarily knocked down my immune system and because of that the herpes zoster virus, popularly known as shingles, that was dormant in my spine, was able to attack a nerve cluster causing, basically, chicken pox to develop in small patches on one side of my chest and back. I AM ITCHY AND SORE! On a positive note, it could've been worse, it could've attacked my face. I'm not sure how feasible it is, but I would look into maybe getting the shingles vaccine before embarking on your own HRT journey if you've had any history of immune deficiency, which I have though I didn't quite understand it until now.
On a much more positive note, I've seen some pretty great changes already and it's not quite a month yet. For one thing, my skin is SO much smoother and my leg and facial hair take a good bit longer to grow back after shaving. I used to be Mr. Five O'Clock Shadow at 4PM but now I can go about 2 days before significant grow back. The head on my hair is also growing in a touch faster and it's now brushing my shoulders. I'm not AS pleased about what little muscle I had turning to jelly, but it does make me look softer overall. My scent has changed too. My wife used to describe me as having a kind of spicy taco musk XD but these days it's more like... nothing? sweetness? I don't know how to describe it. Good riddance. LOL Though my wife will probably miss it since its one of the best signifiers that I was physically a man.
Even though I'm still very much stealth I've taken to wearing women's under shirts, tank tops and such and it's not like i feel naughty or something or I'm trying to get away with it (tee hee.) I'm doing it because it feels comfortable and I have a sense that they're what I should be wearing. If that makes sense?
Psychologically, I keep getting blips of something. A need to chat incessantly with women I previously couldn't stand talking to. Like I just started blabbing at one point and then my co-worker picked up on my signal and immediately engaged her tractor beam. I could've talked at high speed for an hour if i didn't have work to do. Honestly, I didn't know how to get out of the conversation! This only happened twice so far but it was like a tidal wave. I'm also able to pick out women's conversations as they walk by, like HEAR EVERY WORD which I never did before. That's freaky. It's like suddenly having a super power. Speaking of, SMELLS. Every so often, I'll smell something like it's right in front of me from across a room. The most obvious example was the morning bagels that they had delivered. I NEVER took note of their smell before now.
Sorry if some of this is redundant. I'm sure everyone marvels at these changes in the exact same way, as if each moment is an epiphany and it probably gets old. :P
One last note, I broke my toe on the landing at the bottom of our stairs! So... yeah. Luckily I bought a pair of brothel creepers just last month, so I have a shoe that stands about as high as the medical hard shoe they have me wearing. Heels are out for now though. Luckily, I'm pretty happy in jeans and a top at the moment. :D
I made it to my one month tranniversary! Yay! I had to share an amazing experience I had this morning because it's fueling my hope, BIG TIME. As someone who is transitioning a little later in life, I'm amazed at the speed and significance of the changes.
This morning before work I tried on a dress I've had for some time that I plan on wearing to a very good friend's rock n roll themed wedding at the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame in the fall and IT FITS AND LOOKS RIGHT. I mean, I have almost ZERO in the chest department. I haven't shaved my face yet today. I have my hair pulled back in a messy pony tail and I have full leg hair because I'm about to go on vacation with my parents who are as yet unaware that I'm transitioning medically. But I feel, and this is huge for me, BEAUTIFUL. Maybe for the first time ever? And on top of the dress fitting right and looking like it was made for my body (I'm probably going to have to get it taken in at the tailor's shop before the wedding to be honest,) I seem to have dropped a half shoe size from a 11-11.5 to a 10.5-11 which is making all of my shoes fit like they're supposed to. Oh, I'm crying.
The other day I had this irrational crying spell, when I started to think about my 7 year old no longer wanting to jump in the bed while I was making but when she asked what was wrong I was completely rational and went back to making the bed. It was seriously like vomiting with my heart and eyes and afterward I was whistling like a light shower had passed. This feels SO RIGHT even though I know it could mean trouble down the line when I lose control in front of others.
Hi all,
I thought I'd just give a brief update on where I'm at in my transition. I'm now 2 months on HRT and life has been spectacular but not without some adjustments.
The first thing is, my face got really dry and then broke out in acne like I haven't had since I was a teen. I would come to learn from my dermatologist and from the helpful gals here that I was using too harsh an exfoliant, too often. I have since, despite my early misgivings, "allowed the deadskin to build up a bit" as per my dermatologist's recommendation, switched to a gentler cleanser and have seen a dramatic improvement.
I'm excited to announce that "Houston, we have breasts!" My nipples and the surrounding fleshy bits have been sore for a while but there's definite growth in the latter half of month 2 and my wife (who at some point I may simply call my partner) has taken a sick pleasure in poking them at inopportune times. SADIST! While I am thrilled to be growing in that region and they feel like an essential part of me, I'm still stealth at work and in my day to day (somewhat) so I have taken to wearing undershirts, barrettes and today a sports bra to hold everything down. I have to tell you, the moment I saw myself in a bralette and joggers it was like seeing myself for the first time. Aside from just having booblets, my waist has cinched in a bit and my hips have started taking shape. Sort of going from two weird mounds to one smoother slope. I have, like, A FIGURE. And I could cry I'm so happy.
Another change that I've noticed is the hair on my head. I'm not sure if it's just that it has hit that perfect length for a choppy lob that I was going for but it seems to have changed the way it lays on me. It's distinctively girlier even when I don't do much to it. The little hairs around my temple have grown in too making my face even more ovular and egg shaped. I haven't noted too many other changes to my face but since I've lost weight this last month, I've lost a bit of fat in my face too. I'm mixed on that. I know changes to the face aren't the first thing in a transition and may come much later so I just have to be patient.
There was a fun episode with my wife and daughter where we went to Ulta beauty shop together and we both got some assistance searching for a new concealer and a better matching foundation. I learned the power of using a brush with liquid foundation (sponges soak up too much makeup and it also feels REALLY nice!) and it was a fun little thing to do together. I used to always be so nervous to do things like this in public, but my confidence in my self image has grown so much these days that I barely flinched.
My wife isn't always the most feminine of women, so it's nice that I can be that motivating force for her. I actually run point whenever she needs new shoes or outerwear because I know what she likes, what looks good and how far I can push her out of her comfort zone. Someday we'll probably be able to try on dresses and stuff together! The thought makes me happy. She recently bought me these socks that have little moscow mules printed on them because that has become my drink of choice since trying one at a hipster party. So it goes both ways.
As much as I know what looks good on my wife, I apparently had no idea what looked good on me --though I did get lucky a few times, thank god. I've been purging my closet in an effort to eliminate stuff I don't, can't or refuse to wear any more and it was like taking a trip down memory lane from when I alternately dressed like a barbie doll, a stepford wife, someone's grandmother at a wedding, someone's grandmother at a funeral and what I probably would've worn when I was a teenager if i'd been born a cisgender girl. I think every transgirl goes through that second childhood of dressing and experimenting and I'm just glad to be on to better things now.
That's it for now. I'm on to month three and the further changes that it brings. Suffice to say I've never been so content in my skin or at peace with my self. It probably won't always be this easy or this rosy but for now, I'm in a good place.
That really is a wonderful uplifting summary! I am so happy for you.
I wish you future success with HRT, make up and clothes.
Hugs
Pamela
Quote from: pamelatransuk on October 01, 2018, 09:39:14 AM
That really is a wonderful uplifting summary! I am so happy for you.
I wish you future success with HRT, make up and clothes.
Hugs
Pamela
Thank you for reading my rambling stories!
Here's a fun but short update.
My friend Midori came over recently and taught me the right ways to curl my hair which is now just past my shoulders in the back and just under my chin on the wings in the front. It was kind of amazing! I've had this red-pink-blonde streak in my hair since The Emmy awards pre-HRT earlier this year, but I've always worn my hair kind of flat and one dimensional so it's never been as interesting a detail as I envisioned.
WELL! Two dozen twists of the curling iron later (man, the back is hard to do!!) and these soft curls have added texture and personality I didn't know I have! You know, I don't think I ever considered that I might want to curl my hair until now but this is a look I'm building up for a friend's rock and roll themed wedding and it's so edgy and fun!! The boys I work with (both younger than me and clueless with women) didn't even notice that my hair was completely different at work the next day! LOL. The girls in the office however... didn't say anything but I'm pretty sure they know what's up. Boys...
One other thing about my hair... I used to never like wearing it parted at my natural part (a little left of the middle but not quite 3/4), in part (haha) because it reminded me of my father who was so straight laced and manly and didn't (I thought) have a any rebel soul in him. I also didn't like showing my forehead and preferred to wear my hair like a Jpop/Kpop Idol and play up the slight Asian features I got from my Vietnamese mom. But since growing my hair out, starting HRT and embracing womanhood I like parting it roughly where it wants to fall and showing my full face. I think one of the reasons my parents have ceased complaining about how long my hair has gotten is that they can see my face now. XD
I'm working on my voice in the mornings before work and when I come home at night. It's really hard and I'm not at all pleased with my progress yet. I've been trying on different role models and I think I finally settled on Evan Rachel Wood for inspiration. Her natural speaking voice is a little bit theater, a little bit video game nerd, a little bit So Cal, a little bit country. Mixed with my own inflections and style, I think I can build solid girlspeak. Sometimes it's weird to think that I'm going to be like this new person to everyone that knows me even though I'm still the SAME person inside. Don't know whether that will be 3, 6, 9 or 12 months from now but it's happening...
I'm like anxious and excited at the same time!
Okay, fam. Prepare yourselves for this...
Are you prepared? Is the wine chilled? Are your feet up?
Good. Because I went DRESS shopping with THE GIRLS. This is huge for me. A milestone and a revelation. A little backstory, my cisgender friend K recently moved to our town and though we've never been super tight, we have daughters around the same age so we've recently been having play dates for the girls and wine dates for the women (I'm talking about me here.) She mentioned off-handedly about three weeks ago that she still hadn't bought anything to wear to the wedding and without really thinking I leapt in and offered my fashion services for a mall outing. She immediately seized on the idea and before I knew it, her friend D was added to the roster making this my first official GIRLY DAY OUT.
Two weeks flew by but about a week before the shopping trip, I suddenly got butterflies in my stomach. What if I make a fool of myself? What if I'm absolutely clueless about what I like or don't like or I send this poor woman home in tears because I said the wrong thing or forgot to nod at the right moment???? What the hell am I doing??? Then I started to fret about what I was going to wear? What were they going to wear? I know enough women and I've observed enough women at the mall to know that most don't wear club dresses and heels for a long day of rack raiding. But I actually didn't decide what to wear until the day of and then it came together quickly and, if I may so, stylishly? Even my makeup which I had to put together in half an hour because I was running late, went on without a hitch.
Dare I say it?
I looked kind of cute and... hip? For a woman in her 40s anyway. I wore my ASOS grey skinny jeans with a pair of adidas kicks with teal laces I used to replace the boring grey ones. If you're looking to girl up androgynous or boy shoes btw, ribbon for laces or color pop laces can be a fun detail and show you put thought into your look. My laces happened to match my winter beanie hat so they kind of pulled the whole look together. I had on a slightly oversized cardigan in a darker grey over my black see-thru Uniqlo button down and a black lace bralette. While I didn't receive compliments on my outfit, I didn't really expect to. The point is, it was camouflage. I blended in a way i thought would be impossible for me just a year ago. I didn't have to "own my look," a phrase you'll hear a lot of as a tall girl, even at 6'2" and boy shoes, because people didn't give me a second glance.
Did I pass? Probably not? But no one bothered to clock me either. I wasn't the target of whispering campaigns even when I walked among the teenagers looking for the perfect quincinera dress. I just was and it was fantastic.
I feel like I buried the lede here. SHOPPING. WITH THE GIRLS.
Our main goal was getting K her dress and shoes. All that worrying I did about whether I would have an opinion or feel validated in the words i said went immediately out of my head as I went spinning from rack to rack choosing looks that matched with K's description of a "dark colored, fit and flare style dress, not too short with a bit of edge." We didn't always agree on our choices but there's no cost or sin in trying on anything and everything you think might work.
Now, I didn't need a dress or shoes. I have had my dress and shoes picked out for months but I took a cue from D who told me she had also had her dress and shoes picked out in advance but and I quote, "I'm not married to the look. If I see something better..." So although it took me a few laps to get comfortable, by the second store, I was also trying on dresses in the same fitting room (you may not know but the big department stores usually have at least one party-size fitting room) and sometimes, even trying on the SAME dress as each other. That was one of the highlights for sure.
When we started trying on stuff, I was a little shy about being in the same dressing room as my friends excusing myself to stand outside after each new look, and then K just flat out told me it didn't bother her if I stayed to which D agreed. And then we were just girls, having fun, playing dress up griping about our physical shortcomings, and I, well, I don't think I'll ever be a boy again.
Wipes tear away...
I think an important lesson i learned and one which every transgender woman should take to heart, is that a lot of women who have been doing this their whole lives, struggle with it at some point; the hair, the makeup, the shoes, the accessories, the right clothes. It takes work, and other women, and an adventurous spirit to look really good. I am just glad to have done my part in helping others. And although I didn't buy the dress with the Day of the Dead like color palette that looked so cute on me, K and D did help me choose some accessories to finish my look and I'm also probably going to buy that dress online or tell the store to hold it because I want to wear it and think of this day.
P.S. one way in which I was bluntly told I did not have as much experience as others was in the pre-buying "justification of purchase" ritual which pulls in algebra, trigonometry, astronomy and alchemy to make the numbers bend to the will of the woman and "provide evidence that buying these shoes is not only necessary but somehow beneficial to finances." They said, don't worry. You'll get it. I'm already starting to. XD
I repeat. I'll never be a boy (I should probably say man here) again. Not that I ever was. ;)
Chapter 7: the rock n roll wedding.
Part 1: on passing and belonging
This is the first time I've ever traveled with zero intention of presenting as male. I have male items still but i'm A woman wearing them for sure. My weekend began with a road trip on Friday in a Ford Expedition with six good friends who I almost didn't realize I cared for as much as I do! One of whom is my shopping pal from the dress story above and her husband whom I kissed in a moment of doofy Rocky Horror convention passion. Neither of us took the moment seriously and everyone was kissing everyone at that time. But, I digress. I was looking pretty andro so I chose to use the male restroom to both avoid the lines and as an admission to myself that I wasn't passing and would face less scrutiny and be less a liability for my ride share buddies.
Once I got to my room at The Westin though, and had swapped my skinny jeans for a maxi dress for our Tiki night, I wasn't misgendered again. In fact, while I was still only half dressed I called maintenance to come fix my drain which would not drain and when the guy arrived something new happened to me that would repeat through out to he weekend. He saw me. He really saw me. He really saw the real me and... he was adorably disarmed by my... charm???
First of all, I had this poor fellow come all the way to my room to fix a drain that was not broken. Apparently it was just a tricky style I was unfamiliar with. Well I immediately felt like an idiot and I got so embarrassed, I apologized with flush red cheeks and in a girl voice I would learn was "good enough" and he blushed too and looked like a school boy with a crush as he tried to assure me that I wasn't the first to make that mistake. Whaaaaaa!? I was really being treated like a woman! It was such a new sensation for me. I have strong bull>-bleeped-< detectors and they didn't go off.
Later that evening as I was finishing laying the base down for my makeup and finalizing my look, I received an invite to the girls makeup lab (aka the hotel room bathroom that had become a dressing room) which had been previously discussed during our shopping, and skipped happily off to join them. When I got there what I saw was a giant array of makeup palettes cups filled with brushes, rows upon rows of lipsticks and three women each vying for mirror real estate. I was encouraged to join them and I did, but not before standing back to observe the unique rhythm of practiced application, single track focus, and collaborative spirit. When my moment came, D started putting palettes next to my face to help find a look to go with my beachy maxi dress and the 80s 90s look of converse a jean jacket with rolled sleeves and hair pulled into a pony with a scrunchy. I learned a lot about eye makeup that even my precious tutorials had not adequately prepared me for. Including when to use setting spray on your brush before applying.
While D showed me some ideas and taught me some tricks this was a performance I needed to do for myself. So when the time came I assumed her prime mirror spot while she fanned her nearly finished makeup and showed off my own brush skill. Once I was done and had received the thumbs up from all 3, I felt like I had passed my final test. I was a certified member of this cool girl crew and had an open invitation to future such moments.
To be continued...
Part 2: Pictures Speak A Million Words
Once we were dolled up, we hopped in an Uber and went to the Porco Lounge and Tiki Bar. At this point I had only eaten Arby's at lunch and I was starving. I actually had several wallets, wristlets and bags for this trip so like an idiot I left my ID and money in one bag and took the other. The ladies checking IDs at the front door took pity on me and grilled me about my age and birth sign before giving me the okay to head inside for what would become a night of heavy drinking and very little else.
The atmosphere was fantastic... The food was AWFUL. The nachos (gah, I spit up a little just thinking about them) were the bargain tortillas from the super market served COLD and with COLD cheese on top. As like many girls on Spiro, I craved pickles and pickle juice but I really shouldn't have chased my fruity (mostly boozey) cocktail "The Top Flight" with that sweet rancid juice from the appetizer platter. I was seated next time the schmooziest dude amongst my gathered friends so I tried to make small talk with him but I wasn't important enough to hold his attention long so I sat mostly disengaged but chill in a good way, until someone got the bright idea to order the beast: The Botany Bay. A literal giant barrel of rum punch with two bottles worth of rum content in it. The barrel had holes all over and straws sticking out the sides one for each of us... and I took more than my share of drags off my straw. At first I didnt' feel anything, and then I felt my insides doing somersaults. After some boisterous good times paying homage to the god of drink and merriment, I excused myself to the ladies' and suddenly felt the world tilt but I was alright. Everyone else went off to catch a surprise Reel Big Fish show but I didn't have any money or ID and was worried I would get separated from the group even if I was let inside.
(https://i.imgur.com/onRef3O.jpg?1)
So, I went back to the hotel with some others who didn't want to go to the concert. Including N, a friend of a friend I'd known but was not as close to as some of the other members of our party. All of a sudden N, who's nickname spoke to her love of wine, nuzzled in close to me and became my instant BFF; complaining about her job (on a major TV show that you all probably watch BTW) and the sometimes unreasonable demands of her bird-like boss (HINT.) The point wasn't what she was saying the point was that she went from 0 to grotesquely intimate in 60 seconds flat. It was impressive and disorienting but I just rolled with it. It was nice to be needed and nobody had really talked with me all night because, I couldn't compete with the noise of the bar or the memories of these long time road buddies. Later D told me, alcohol makes strange bedfellows and I think she's right. I enjoyed the sense of a secret sisterhood.
When I got back to my room I had enough good sense to shimmy out of my dress and into my PJs, though my makeup remained. I woke up under two hours later and the god of drink and merriment required a show of my faith, at the porcelain. The less said the better but this is how I worded it the next day in a txt to D: "all my insides are on my outsides now"
When I finally recovered I decided to order room service. I thought I'd treat myself to a bagel with lox and all the trimmings. One of my favorites. I cleaned up, fixed my makeup and threw a hoodie over my bralette in a kind of effortless morning activewear style. When the service guy arrived, I thanked him and signed for my breakfast bestowing a decent tip for a meal I hadn't even looked at yet.
I should've looked. Under the tin was lox, capers, lemon, pickled onions and... a side of bacon? HEY! Where was my bagel and cream cheese!!?!? It was at this time that the groom invited me to join his brother in law and he in picking up the flowers and wanting to make the most of my time and having not seen my good friend yet at all I happily agreed. I called down and asked them to rush a bagel to me ASAP. They said they could handle it but... it never got there in time. I had to go so I stuck a note on my door instructing them to leave the bagel there. They never did.
After hanging out with my friend and delivering the various flowers to members of the wedding party, including a peak in at the bride to be getting gorgeous (I felt so happy for her I almost cried right there!) I returned to my room, took a breather and then set about painting my nails for the big event. It took me FIVE TRIES to get it right and I'm no novice! I just had extraordinarily bad luck or was sloppy and rushing. Once they were done I hopped an Uber by myself, a first for me, and took it over to the Science Center to look for a souvenir for my seven year old. I sent a txt to K asking if she wanted me to get anything for her little girls and then set about finding the right thing. I settled on a small rock collection, a gross gummy bug tape for my daughter and a little polished stone animal figurine for K's eldest. The guy at the store was super sweet though he kept trying to sell me on little extras like donating my change and getting a collectible bag. I relented on both accounts but I did so happily. It was nice to be treated so well, and have my friendliness returned in kind. I took some selfies around the city in my street look.
(https://i.imgur.com/dVLEnX2.jpg)
As you can tell it was super windy. There were like little mini tornadoes forming on the streets. While taking this picture, by the way, I left my souvenir bag on the ground, but a good natured gentlemen was kind enough to call my attention as I skipped away on my carefree fairy cloud to the sounds of Mitski's song Nobody. I thanked him with an embarrassing number of bows (I'm married to a Japanese woman and have long been part of that culture.) and finally got on my merry way again, taking a tour of the city freshly coated in Autumn rain. Pretty city, that Cleveland.
When I got back to my room I started getting ready. I had a number of txts from K and D summoning me back to the makeup lab but before I could do that, I needed to execute my hair plan. This is something my stylist friend M and I came up with at my home. I was going to part my hair way to the side, and curl the under side with tight curls, then pin back one side in a sweeping swirl and curl the unpinned top part with what she called mixie matching curls; some that curled towards the head and some that curled away but looser and sexier. My vision was to be a hot 80-90s goth rock bisexual queen like Kristen Stewart via Evan Rachel Wood. Well, I can SHOW you.
(https://i.imgur.com/f4b60X4.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/qsKpqdx.jpg)
Then came the wedding. A beautiful, dark, rock and roll affair. Two of my favorite people in the world, both artists, were involved in the ceremony and two of my other favorite people in the world stood on stage and exchanged vows and it made me tear up like I never have before. Later that evening at the reception, K dragged me onto the dance floor and I also got to explore the labyrinthine Rock Hall at my leisure which I did with an Emma Stone looking new friend I made and her boyfriend who was once my partner in crime in all my artf@!k glory. I toughed it out in my heeled chelsea boots despite a growing fatigue and after my new friend ditched her painful strappy stilettos, and was just about to change into the flats I brought (this wasn't my first rodeo!) when K caught me in her tractor beam and dragged me to the dance floor again. I happily went. It was a night of subdued drinking, dancing with my girl squad, selfies, and friends. I know I'm still early in my transition but I saw it as my official arrival. My cotillion. Here I am world. A confident woman who is finally ready to share her gifts with everyone.
That was all great until the next day... and I'll discuss that in the final part of this wedding weekend. A TRANSWOMAN IN TRUMPVILLE.
Thanks for reading so far.
@elle's bellsDear Elle:
WOWzers!!! Your last 3 updates are absolutely terrific, and your pictures are a treat for your followers to view, thank you for sharing with us.
You look so very happy in your photos and I am glad that you updated your avatar/profile picture... that particualar picture show a beautiful and happy woman!!! ... Your hair, makeup, dress and necklace all look very, very nice!!!
Your description of your shopping time with you your girl friends and the dressing room experience is priceless. You certainly enjoyed attending the wedding as one of the girls!!!!
Thank you for updating your followers,
We are you biggest fans and we are rooting for you.
Hugs,
Danielle
Thank you, Danielle! You're always so kind and I marvel at the sheer volume of sunny prose and smiles you share with each member here! I'm glad to hear you're enjoying my adventures. I never considered that I would have "followers," but I guess I'm surprising myself a lot these days. I hope anyone reading this will catch a bit of courage, maybe see that we don't always have to take ourselves so seriously, and be inspired to find the light in their own lives.
I have a lot more outings to come and my "girl calendar" is starting to fill up. Can't wait to share more!
I don't feel like talking about the last day of my spectacular rock wedding weekend, when I got locked out of my room at 8 in the morning in just my bralette and PJs bottoms and had to take a LONG walk of shame down to the front desk where I was misgendered. That was the same day that the New York Times article about the U.S. government wanting to define gender as strictly male or female came out and I ran into a guy at a rural Pennsylvania rest area wearing a shirt that, I kid you not, said "I AM AN UNEMPLOYED ANGRY, CRAZY (EXPLETIVE REMOVED) TRUMP SUPPORTER" or something very close to that. No, I won't break the spell for you. I tried writing it and it sounded so down.
Instead I'm going to talk about OWNING MY SMILE.
There were times when I was living with Testosterone, my annoying roommate who would always leave the toilet seat up, that I would, sometimes in a low moment, describe myself to people as a person who "portrays their emotions" or more commonly I would say I would "follow my programming." At times, I became unsure whether anything I was feeling was real or if I was just responding how people expected me to. Hear a funny joke, flip through my laugh rolodex to pick an appropriate polite volume level and press play. That way everyone thinks I'm human, and fun to be around, and that I like them, and they will in turn like me.
Sometimes I even thought this way about my wife and daughter. Do I really love them? Or am I just playing this character called Dad? For those that maybe never felt this way, I want you to imagine yourself watching a horror movie. Maybe you don't believe anything that's happening on the screen, maybe it's not tickling your specific fear, but if you sit there stone faced, you won't be able to generate any fun so you ham it up a little. People on YouTube do this all the time now, they're called reaction videos and for the most part they are absolute frauds. But people watch them because well, I guess we all want to feel like that.
Maybe how I felt was universal to humans on some level but the extreme nature of it was definitely impacted by my gender dysphoria. I was a fraud and an actor, therefore, all of my life and the things I choose to have in it was set dressing for the lie. So it is with great pleasure that I announce that since making the decision to live authentically, 90% of this feeling has gone away and I have regained ownership of that smile on my face. It's not scripted, it's not forced (though even when it is, I'm fully in control of it.) I told myself early on that I wasn't going to do anything I didn't want to do to fit in more or align with some outside perception of the woman I should be. My smiles, tears, and anger would be mine and for no one else.
So far so good.
In fact, being stealth at work though depressing at times, isn't even a performance. It's more about just subtracting a few cues from my genuine self. Like walking around on egg shells around your conservative parents so as not to get drawn into a fight. I went to the park with my family and we laughed and smiled and cavorted and acted like idiots, and the idea that I was some robot or actor never once crossed my mind. Maybe I'm free? I guess we'll find out.
Quote from: elle's bells on November 05, 2018, 09:23:46 AM
I don't feel like talking about the last day of my spectacular rock wedding weekend, when I got locked out of my room at 8 in the morning in just my bralette and PJs bottoms and had to take a LONG walk of shame down to the front desk where I was misgendered. That was the same day that the New York Times article about the U.S. government wanting to define gender as strictly male or female came out and I ran into a guy at a rural Pennsylvania rest area wearing a shirt that, I kid you not, said "I AM AN UNEMPLOYED ANGRY, CRAZY (EXPLETIVE REMOVED) TRUMP SUPPORTER" or something very close to that. No, I won't break the spell for you. I tried writing it and it sounded so down.
Instead I'm going to talk about OWNING MY SMILE.
There were times when I was living with Testosterone, my annoying roommate who would always leave the toilet seat up, that I would, sometimes in a low moment, describe myself to people as a person who "portrays their emotions" or more commonly I would say I would "follow my programming." At times, I became unsure whether anything I was feeling was real or if I was just responding how people expected me to. Hear a funny joke, flip through my laugh rolodex to pick an appropriate polite volume level and press play. That way everyone thinks I'm human, and fun to be around, and that I like them, and they will in turn like me.
Sometimes I even thought this way about my wife and daughter. Do I really love them? Or am I just playing this character called Dad? For those that maybe never felt this way, I want you to imagine yourself watching a horror movie. Maybe you don't believe anything that's happening on the screen, maybe it's not tickling your specific fear, but if you sit there stone faced, you won't be able to generate any fun so you ham it up a little. People on YouTube do this all the time now, they're called reaction videos and for the most part they are absolute frauds. But people watch them because well, I guess we all want to feel like that.
Maybe how I felt was universal to humans on some level but the extreme nature of it was definitely impacted by my gender dysphoria. I was a fraud and an actor, therefore, all of my life and the things I choose to have in it was set dressing for the lie. So it is with great pleasure that I announce that since making the decision to live authentically, 90% of this feeling has gone away and I have regained ownership of that smile on my face. It's not scripted, it's not forced (though even when it is, I'm fully in control of it.) I told myself early on that I wasn't going to do anything I didn't want to do to fit in more or align with some outside perception of the woman I should be. My smiles, tears, and anger would be mine and for no one else.
So far so good.
In fact, being stealth at work though depressing at times, isn't even a performance. It's more about just subtracting a few cues from my genuine self. Like walking around on egg shells around your conservative parents so as not to get drawn into a fight. I went to the park with my family and we laughed and smiled and cavorted and acted like idiots, and the idea that I was some robot or actor never once crossed my mind. Maybe I'm free? I guess we'll find out.
Elle,
I have very much enjoyed reading your story! There has been so much excitement for you in the past couple months! I think your rock n roll look turned out splendidly! I love your avatar picture. All I see is a very happy woman! Your smile is amazing! I'm glad you are owning it.
This most recent update really resonated with me. Since starting HRT it is amazing how much of an impact that made on me psychologically. I actually worked with a production company for a while, and was an actor and assistant director of a play that went on the road in Colorado. I was always drawn to acting, and felt like it came easily.
I have no doubt that this was because I was acting my entire life about who I really was! The comments you made about doing this around you wife and child is like you taking the thoughts out of my head and writing them down. I have three kids, and I feel like I missed most of the younger years of my oldest two because I felt so much like a fraud. I feel like I missed out on so many joys that I could have had, and know that I could have had a more authentic relationship with them as babies and toddlers. The important thing, is they are still young, and I am now able to share true moments with them.
As you said, maybe everyone feels this way at some point, but as with most feelings, or insecurities dysphoria can definitely amplify them!
Thank you for the update! I look forward to reading more about your journey!
Lacy
Hey Lacy!
It's nice to know others out there felt the same. I'm so happy for you and your family! I know I've said it before but I am a better person for myself and those in my life since committing to my transition. Seems like that might be the case for you too!
Oddly enough, I thought I might've been a pretty good actor if I'd ever put the time and effort in. I was in my friend's horror movie short as the lead and while I couldn't help but cringe watching my performance others tell me I was really good so who knows! Hahaha. I think my leading lady days are behind me though ;)
Thanks for reading!
Quote from: elle's bells on November 06, 2018, 07:01:39 AM
Hey Lacy!
It's nice to know others out there felt the same. I'm so happy for you and your family! I know I've said it before but I am a better person for myself and those in my life since committing to my transition. Seems like that might be the case for you too!
Oddly enough, I thought I might've been a pretty good actor if I'd ever put the time and effort in. I was in my friend's horror movie short as the lead and while I couldn't help but cringe watching my performance others tell me I was really good so who knows! Hahaha. I think my leading lady days are behind me though ;)
Thanks for reading!
Being true to yourself definitely can make you a better person! I think it's because the lying and denial are gone so those don't have to be juggled.
There are many celebrities that won't even watch themselves in movies! That is where stage performance is nice! You do your role, and you don't have to watch yourself do it!
Hope you are having another good day!
Lacy
(https://i.imgur.com/KqquvWb.jpg)
New hair who dis? XD
So I went in and got my hair did on Saturday. My girl, M and I decided to shy away from the streaks of red I've been rocking since the Emmy awards that had faded into a pale sort of pink and instead go with more evenly distributed highlights on one side. I dig it. They add texture and a bit of ebullience. The style I'm going for, which I feel within a fingernail's grasp of, is a straight lob which I had actually tried to grow out about 2 years ago but chickened out at the last minute. Well, the chickening out days are past. I'm almost there.
I kept my appointment at the salon despite the fact that I got hit by seasonal cold/post nasal drip which causes me no end of agony; fever, hacking cough, bloody noses, etc for up to three weeks usually. And that brings me to my topic for today.
"In good times and in bad, in sickness and in health...."
Those words are typical of a catholic wedding ceremony but they apply pretty well to transition too. A lot of times when I used to visualize what my life as a transitioning transwoman would be like, I would imagine only ideal circumstances; times when I can fully kit out and slap on a decent makeup routine creating all the signifiers that I am, in fact, a female of the species and not "a man in drag" as it were. But that's not what life is like, is it?
I'm not always going to be able to wear my perfect mask, or utilize my practiced feminine voice. Sometimes I'm going to feel like a dumpster fire and I'm going to be exposed in a way that
won't be ideal. Ciswomen deal with this too. So, I made a decision when I committed to this transition. I'm going to do what I can when it makes sense to, and try my damndest not to stress about those times when I sound like Bill Clinton ate a frog or wake up with patchy beard shadow I don't have the time or energy to cover up through out the day as I re-expose it with every violent spell of dry coughing and nose clearing. Hopefully people around me keep a wide berth because they don't want to catch whatever virulent hell is pulverizing my body and thus are not privy to me at my worst, and if they do interact with me, hopefully it just elicits pity and chicken soup.
There's too much pressure sometimes as a transgender person to be
on though the further I go in my transition the less concerned about this I become. We could all stand to go easier on ourselves and forgive us our ugly snot faces.
Here's a photo of me sick in bed. Don't I look fab? XD
(https://i.imgur.com/TKc0d7q.jpg)
SPOILER: I used a makeup filter to hide my ugly snot face. Pure magic! LOL. I know, I know, p
ractice what you preach, but trust me, I'm sparing you all a look into the hell mouth.
Oh! I also did some online clothes shopping and damn, I'm really feeling JCrew at the moment which is antithesis to my ALL BLACK ALL THE TIME (but also splashes of blue/teal because it's my favorite color!) aesthetic but there's always room for growth!
Quote from: elle's bells on November 14, 2018, 08:23:22 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/KqquvWb.jpg)
New hair who dis? XD
So I went in and got my hair did on Saturday. My girl, M and I decided to shy away from the streaks of red I've been rocking since the Emmy awards that had faded into a pale sort of pink and instead go with more evenly distributed highlights on one side. I dig it. They add texture and a bit of ebullience. The style I'm going for, which I feel within a fingernail's grasp of, is a straight lob which I had actually tried to grow out about 2 years ago but chickened out at the last minute. Well, the chickening out days are past. I'm almost there.
I kept my appointment at the salon despite the fact that I got hit by seasonal cold/post nasal drip which causes me no end of agony; fever, hacking cough, bloody noses, etc for up to three weeks usually. And that brings me to my topic for today.
"In good times and in bad, in sickness and in health...."
Those words are typical of a catholic wedding ceremony but they apply pretty well to transition too. A lot of times when I used to visualize what my life as a transitioning transwoman would be like, I would imagine only ideal circumstances; times when I can fully kit out and slap on a decent makeup routine creating all the signifiers that I am, in fact, a female of the species and not "a man in drag" as it were. But that's not what life is like, is it?
I'm not always going to be able to wear my perfect mask, or utilize my practiced feminine voice. Sometimes I'm going to feel like a dumpster fire and I'm going to be exposed in a way that won't be ideal. Ciswomen deal with this too. So, I made a decision when I committed to this transition. I'm going to do what I can when it makes sense to, and try my damndest not to stress about those times when I sound like Bill Clinton ate a frog or wake up with patchy beard shadow I don't have the time or energy to cover up through out the day as I re-expose it with every violent spell of dry coughing and nose clearing. Hopefully people around me keep a wide berth because they don't want to catch whatever virulent hell is pulverizing my body and thus are not privy to me at my worst, and if they do interact with me, hopefully it just elicits pity and chicken soup.
There's too much pressure sometimes as a transgender person to be on though the further I go in my transition the less concerned about this I become. We could all stand to go easier on ourselves and forgive us our ugly snot faces.
Here's a photo of me sick in bed. Don't I look fab? XD
(https://i.imgur.com/TKc0d7q.jpg)
SPOILER: I used a makeup filter to hide my ugly snot face. Pure magic! LOL. I know, I know, practice what you preach, but trust me, I'm sparing you all a look into the hell mouth.
Dang Elle!
Love the new hair! Your stylist did a great job. Keep pursuing the style you want. I think it will look super cute on you! You have a naturally feminine hair line and great volume!
Sorry to hear you are sick. This seems to be the time of year people get hit with it. I hope your body is able to fight it off quickly. I love the way you expressed your commitment. Society puts a huge burden on women to look perfect all the time. Being trans makes the burden even heavier! Way to commit and show off the courageous woman you are. Surely you can threaten someone with a dose off hell's fury in exchange for a chicken soup ransom!!
You look very cozy in bed. Take the time to get some rest young lady! We will need a picture fashion show of your new haul from JCrew!
Healthy thoughts and a big HUG headed your way!
Lacy
Come with me on a little trip back in time...
It was, 1987, I think? I was down with the flu for the week, nestled in a pile of blankets in the living room, eating ice cream out of a bowl and, having run out the early AM cartoons and children's programming, found myself watching morning talk shows like Sally Jessie Raphael. I could get away with this because my mom was shopping with my Nana for the day. At first I was intrigued by the parade of freaks that would cause the audience to squirm and get into big yelling matches with other guests. There were even men wearing dresses, heels and makeup but they looked like football players doing drag and spoke in hyper feminine voices which were more than a little comical to my 10 year old sensibility. Forgive me for being >-bleeped-<ty but I was ten years old and thought the world was there for my amusement.
But then I switched channels and I saw her.
April was her name. She was a fiery red head with a curly bob, and she looked like a beautiful porcelain doll. She was a little older than my sister but carried a confidence beyond her years. She reminded me of my friend Beth the way she sat bolt upright in her chair perfectly perched on her seat as if she wasn't really sitting at all. I watched the opening video reel which introduced her as just another girl; she had girl friends, she liked shopping, horseback riding, and watching TV. Then the host of the show dropped a bombshell on the audience: she used to be a boy named Adam. Instantly, I saw myself in this girl. Her before photo may as well have been me; tall and lanky, awkward, with a half hearted grin stuck on his face as other boys got rowdy in the margins. And then they showed the two side by side; unhappy Adam and divine April. The difference was night and day.
I scrambled for my VHS tape (each of us kids had 2-3 blanks we recorded on over and over) and began recording what I thought was a revelation. I listened to her heartfelt story of realizing she was a girl, of telling her parents, of how everyone told her she was ugly and sick, and how her parents had disowned her and she'd had to go live with a family friend, and they painted this bleak picture of what it was like for her to go to school, go to work, and then a ray of hope. The host surprised everyone and brought out her mom and I lost it. She was there to reconcile. She called April her daughter and the host told us that April would begin taking hormones. My mind was blown. Was that a thing?? Could I...?? I was still watching when my Dad came home from work to check on me.
He immediately criticized my choice of TV as "trash" to which I vehemently disagreed saying that it "was really emotional and interesting" In my utter naiveté I summoned him to my couch and told him about April who was still on the screen. I asked him innocently, "Isn't she beautiful? She used to be a boy."
And I'll never forget what he said next, "She's still a boy and she's sick in the head." I really didn't want to cry in that moment but I was crestfallen and I yelled at him, "No. Her mom called April, her daughter" to which my Dad said, "that was just for TV. No parent in their right mind would encourage this. This is garbage and I don't think you should sit there all day watching this. It's going to warp your brain."
I agreed and wiped away my tears. I was ill after all. I would go to my room and curl up with a Spider-Man comic instead, I told him. He patted me on the head not realizing he had just crushed every hope I had of ever being his beautiful daughter. Once he left to go back to work, I watched the tape I'd made two more times and recorded over it and I stopped watching those "silly talk shows," and when I developed a mystery stomach pain that plagued my high school years and kept me out of class 50% of the year, it was because I was suffering a malady, and not because I dreaded every moment I had to spend being a boy going through a male puberty as the gap between who I was inside and who was outside grew into an insurmountable chasm.
When I would tell my father thirty some odd years later that I was transgender, he acted like it was a total surprise because I was so "typically male." Sure, Dad. Whatever you say.
Many emotions as I read this. Memories of moments where the answer was right there but out of reach. Sixth birthday when my parents gave me a metallic blue 1969 Schwinn Stingray which was wonderful except the color. I wanted the red one. My dad said "No, red is a girl color." I remember those words so clearly. Years later (I think I was 12) I had a larger bike and I painted the old one. I just now realized why I had the urge to paint it.
Quote from: Kendra on November 20, 2018, 09:04:48 AM
Many emotions as I read this. Memories of moments where the answer was right there but out of reach. Sixth birthday when my parents gave me a metallic blue 1969 Schwinn Stingray which was wonderful except the color. I wanted the red one. My dad said "No, red is a girl color." I remember those words so clearly. Years later (I think I was 12) I had a larger bike and I painted the old one. I just now realized why I had the urge to paint it.
That is very sad.
Up until 1940 Pink was used for boys and blue was used for girls. The reason was because Red was considered a Strong, Fierce color and pink is a shade of red. After World War II it was decided that the colors should be switched. So your parents probably would have grown up in that new way of thinking that Red/Pink was girly.
I just find it interesting that for so long colors have been restricted to genders. For a long time, my son liked pink more than my daughter, she was into blue! We are fighting the restriction of colors and let our children get whatever they want. Cars for the girl and dolls for the boy? Why not? Women drive and men become fathers.
Oh society...thank you for having to put everything into boxes!
Lacy
@Elle's bells
Dear Elle:I love reading your updates and following your life endeavors as you travel down your own personal transition road toward your goals.
Your pictures that you include in some of your posts are a treat for all of us to see...
...you are absolutely beautiful and look convincingly feminine. Your hair, eyebrows, makeup and your eye glasses all fit in perfectly to the feminine new you. Your terrific and inviting smile completes your entire approach to passing.
Your experiences with others, and with clothes shopping, practicing and refining your makeup skills, salon visit, voice practice, going out and about testing your passing ability.... all of those things are
not unfamiliar to most of your readers and followers.
It is a wonderful to be able to follow along with you on a road that I have traveled down and therefore I can rejoice with your when things go well, and when things don't go so well for you I can support you with an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on.
Thank you sharing with all of us. Your thread is always one of my stops when I log in to the forums.
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle
Quote from: Kendra on November 20, 2018, 09:04:48 AM
Many emotions as I read this. Memories of moments where the answer was right there but out of reach. Sixth birthday when my parents gave me a metallic blue 1969 Schwinn Stingray which was wonderful except the color. I wanted the red one. My dad said "No, red is a girl color." I remember those words so clearly. Years later (I think I was 12) I had a larger bike and I painted the old one. I just now realized why I had the urge to paint it.
That's heartbreaking, Kendra. And... man there
was a time when red was considered a girl's color, wasn't there? Seems so silly now. I had a blue ten speed and my sister had a red one come to think of it.
I remember doing the opposite. Since I knew wanting to be a girl was abnormal, when my father bought me a baby blue ski jacket, I told him it was too girly and that the other kids would make fun of me and I refused to wear it. It wasn't even that girly, but such was the fear that any cues would tip off the other kids and fuel their bullying that I couldn't risk it.
We went upstate to the finger lakes to stay at a glamorous lodge for the holiday. I'll have more on this trip soon but I just want to say I am grateful for my lovely family (pictured below) whom I call the tripod because we three women together are steady and unshakeable! Happy Thanksgiving to you all! You got this, girls!! It gets better ... AND BETTER!!
(https://i.imgur.com/iRlSiUa.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/W6SmsAP.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/LVtr97i.jpg)
That's one of my outfits I was referring to in a prior post. Only the cardi is from JCrew but it's oh so soft :) skirt and shirt are from Uniqlo, one of the only "fast fashion" brands whose quality I will stand behind. I DID iron my skirt btw but forgot to retake the pic. Also I forgot some of my makeup gear so I had to "improvise" lol. I actually worked with a news anchor who used cigarette ash for eyeshadow in a pinch before going live from the boardwalk!! XD I learned from warriors!!
Also... It's freezing outside!!!
Funny note: I just bought the a skirt (same skirt as yours) and shirt from Uniqlo...but I swapped the colors: beige shirt, purple skirt. Too funny! :D
QuoteMy dad said "No, red is a girl color."
I have never heard that about red, only pink. When I was a kid, the difference between a boy's and girl's bike was the crossbar. Boy's bikes had them and girl's bikes didn't. I certainly saw red boy's bikes back then and I even had one for my first "3 speed". Back then, blue was still a common colour for girl's bikes.
Baby, it's cold outside... but cmon in the water's fine!!
(https://i.imgur.com/PmoxWJo.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/3yqklz2.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/5hZEybG.jpg)
Never worn this in public before!! No strange looks, only friendliness from other moms so far...
also I'm one of two women brave enough to go bare belly. Probably stretch marks and scars from pregnancy making them self conscious. Still I ain't got abs of steel myself lol
What a beautiful family you have!
Enjoy the fun and share the love, these times together will become good memories.
Chrissy
@Elle's bells
Dear Elle:Your recent updates with your terrific pictures that
you included are a treat for all of your followers to view.
Obviously it appears that you had a wonderful time,
and in all the photos you look absolutely
beautiful.Thank you for sharing and posting.
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle
Quote from: sarahc on November 23, 2018, 07:50:04 AM
Funny note: I just bought the a skirt (same skirt as yours) and shirt from Uniqlo...but I swapped the colors: beige shirt, purple skirt. Too funny! :D
That combo sounds super cute. I love how versatile their clothes are.
Quote from: ChrissyRyan on November 23, 2018, 10:41:45 AM
What a beautiful family you have!
Enjoy the fun and share the love, these times together will become good memories.
Chrissy
Thank you, Chrissy!! I love 'em to pieces!
Well, this vacation, coming as I enter my 5th month of hrt has shown me that ...I pass at least some of the time. And even when I might not completely pass, i've been afforded the privilege of 90% of people not paying it any mind. No one is more surprised at this than me! I never dreamed I could! Especially in a bikini top!
I'm not trying to brag.
I had made up my mind to weather the strange looks and awkward misgenderings because I assumed at 6'2", 185lbs and size 11 shoes, I would never be accepted. My good friend told me I never would and I didn't even correct her because I thought so too. I spent a year presenting as a woman all across the U.S while shooting a documentary on Rocky Horror and during that time my travel buddy told me I was unfeminine, that I needed to practice my movements like a ballet dancer. I tried but it seemed so far out of reach, literally, I was stiff as a board (but not light as a feather.)
I've had terrible wigs, awful weaves, bad makeup, beard shadow, dressed like a blind toddler's Barbie doll, uncomfortable shoes, awkward ill-fitting clothes, I even had a period where I spoke like Minnie Mouse, but here I am today and through a mix of hard work and genetic luck, I can blend amongst the females of the species.
But with passing comes something new, being treated as a woman by men...
Two recent incidents come to mind. I drove my family out to Ithaca for dinner and while parking near Ithaca Commons, I found myself struggling a bit to bring the car in line with the curb because I was at the end of a row where the curb turns out behind me. I was working my car back and forth for less than a minute when a guy crossed the street, and walked a full block to offer to guide me in just at the moment I shifted into park. Like, I appreciate the kind gesture but I got this, dude. I'm not helpless, lol. I gave him a thankful smile and nod but this was the beginning of something.
Later, I left the water park to run back to our hotel room to pop a lady pill and on my way out of my hotel room door (the water park is down the hall from our room) some dude stopped to chat me up. Granted, I was in a bikini top and had the flannel shirt I was using as a makeshift coverup open --exposing my meager cleavage.
He was like, "Hey, headed to the water park?" And I said, "yup." Pointing at my swimsuit like "duh?" And he laughed, gave me this sweet Dad smile and said "Enjoy the water." At that point I said, "Thanks, I will," in as nice a way as I could manage and we continued on past each other but internally I was like, "yeah? That's the point!! I don't need, like, your permission, stranger!" Afterward I wondered if he had been flirting... I probably looked like fun for an older gal since all the other moms were covering up their pregnancy bellies/scars and were otherwise constantly with their men or surrounded by children. Then the doubt crept in: he probably thought you were a cisgender chick until you spoke and then needed an exit line and the best he could come up with was "enjoy the water!!" Everything else was your imagination!
Or maybe he just wanted someone pretty (shut up you narcissist) to share a nice moment with to make him feel young again before he made his way back to his wife and kids. Either way this is all new to me and will surely be part of my new normal. Boys are... weird. Was I ever like that?
Edit: I wanted to add a bit here and clean up my above entry which was written early in the morning on my phone.
Surrendering my male pride (the same that got me injured trying to carry ALL THE GROCERY BAGS FROM THE CAR IN ONE GO XD) is an unforeseen part of my transition. Over the past three days, I reluctantly accepted a push from the mountain top guide when my family and I went snow tubing and I reluctantly accepted help from a nice porter outside our hotel at checkout, who brought our luggage out to our car and helped load it. It turns out I'm a natural at letting men do things for me >:-), which seems kind of wicked and old fashioned but I truly have lost a ton of strength in my upper body and I think the assumption on the part of these men that I needed assistance was accurate in my case. I realize I could get into trouble if I'm not careful.
I was over in the chat the other day (Hi chat peeps!) and we were discussing what our kids call us and it's something I've started to think about a lot recently. As open as I am about being transgender in public and with friends and family, I realized it can be awkward and unnecessary to disrupt the harmony around us when my daughter calls the woman in the bikini top or in the bathroom stall next to her "Daddy." XD
I mean, I love to be called Dad and I've made it clear that no matter how I change I will always be her daddy but when we're out it makes way more sense to say "Elle" or whatever nickname we come up with that's less gendered. Someone in chat said they just let their daughter use Daddy and roll with it because it makes them happy and I have mad respect for that but I feel over time that it will be way easier on everyone to use female pronouns and names.
Easier said than done! My daughter, M, struggled with it and most often what I got was "Daddy? I mean Momma... I mean Elle" with a kind of audible wink afterward that made me laugh and then turn a bright shade of pink out of embarrassment. Bless her for trying!
But what should she call me if I'm going to be a woman in her world from here on out on a more permanent basis? Do you guys have children? What do they call you?
Today was a big day. I came out to my boss at work. It was cool but AWKWARD. We had scheduled some time to chat about "what's going on with me lately," but due to running late, our lunch date was changed to a "walk n' talk." I swear to god he tried to start this conversation just feet outside the door to our office and I was like "nuh-uh!" So he said, "Okay then, let's just walk awkwardly down the hall for a couple minutes." Like he literally said that. And then we went up to the sixth floor so he could check his e-mail and then back down to the fourth where he seemed fed up with my silence so in the hallway between two random offices I just flat out told him that I was transgender! He took it well. We took a seat on some heaters (not my #1 choice) and had our heart to heart. Somehow, by the end of this revelation from me we wound up discussing his mid-life crisis XD I'm not ready to go to HR or bring my co-workers in yet but this was a good first step and it sounds like the company will have my back and i might even be attending the Emmy's this year in a dress which would just be my dream come true.
Quote from: elle's bells on November 28, 2018, 04:26:01 PM
Today was a big day. I came out to my boss at work. It was cool but AWKWARD. We had scheduled some time to chat about "what's going on with me lately," but due to running late, our lunch date was changed to a "walk n' talk." I swear to god he tried to start this conversation just feet outside the door to our office and I was like "nuh-uh!" So he said, "Okay then, let's just walk awkwardly down the hall for a couple minutes." Like he literally said that. And then we went up to the sixth floor so he could check his e-mail and then back down to the fourth where he seemed fed up with my silence so in the hallway between two random offices I just flat out told him that I was transgender! He took it well. We took a seat on some heaters (not my #1 choice) and had our heart to heart. Somehow, by the end of this revelation from me we wound up discussing his mid-life crisis XD I'm not ready to go to HR or bring my co-workers in yet but this was a good first step and it sounds like the company will have my back and i might even be attending the Emmy's this year in a dress which would just be my dream come true.
@Elle's bells
Dear Elle:Thank you for sharing your update... I see that we were able to get your personal thread moved to one of the MTF forums, and your thread title is perfect, but if you ever desire to change it, that is your option.
Definitely you were a brave girl to come out to you boss as you did. He was most likely much more nervous than you. He probably changed the "lunch" to a "walk and talk" because he knew what might be coming and wanted to be able to move around and if necessary curtail the conversation with a lame excuse when it became too uncomfortable for him. If he were having lunch with you there would be no escape for him.
You just accomplished one of a number of the most difficult coming out announcements...
...each time it
WILL get easier!!! I am certain that you are feeling like this is another big weight off of your shoulders... you can live more freely and openly now and that is definitely a great feeling.
So, in your opinion what are your next big coming out announcements that have to be done???
Thanks again for sharing... your followers are interested in your life endeavors...
... we are you biggest fans and we are rooting for you.
Hugs,
Danielle
Elle, congratulations! You did it and this definitely gets easier over time.
You are reaching for your dreams and goals, now quite a bit closer to you.
If you want to attend the Emmys this year in a dress, pick one out. ;)
Quote from: elle's bells on November 28, 2018, 04:26:01 PM
Today was a big day. I came out to my boss at work. It was cool but AWKWARD. We had scheduled some time to chat about "what's going on with me lately," but due to running late, our lunch date was changed to a "walk n' talk." I swear to god he tried to start this conversation just feet outside the door to our office and I was like "nuh-uh!" So he said, "Okay then, let's just walk awkwardly down the hall for a couple minutes." Like he literally said that. And then we went up to the sixth floor so he could check his e-mail and then back down to the fourth where he seemed fed up with my silence so in the hallway between two random offices I just flat out told him that I was transgender! He took it well. We took a seat on some heaters (not my #1 choice) and had our heart to heart. Somehow, by the end of this revelation from me we wound up discussing his mid-life crisis XD I'm not ready to go to HR or bring my co-workers in yet but this was a good first step and it sounds like the company will have my back and i might even be attending the Emmy's this year in a dress which would just be my dream come true.
I swear for the past 3 days I was going to respond to your previous updates! I am so excited for you! I was writing a book each time, and then got pulled off to do some pesky responsible work!
But I want to pop a quick congratulations about this! Coming out to your boss and having him be supportive is a huge feat! Open the wine bottles Darling!
It seems like he may have been feeling uncomfortable at the beginning of the talk, but him opening up to you about some of the rough times he has had recently is a good sign that you just strengthened your relationship with him in more ways than one!
Yay!
Lacy
Hah! I'll pop the good champagne when I finally come out officially with HR. For now I'll toast my first big step with a box of Franzia a.k.a. the cheap stuff! XP Not only do I hope to show up to the Emmy's in a dress but I hope to actually win this time!! Fingers crossed!!
(https://i.imgur.com/3pXyeGw.jpg?1)
Went to my friend's birthday bash in NYC!! Got many compliments on my ASOS shift dress in gold and black sequin stars. Want to write more and will but for now here's a pic of how goddamn happy I was. Like, I don't even recognize this person.
More soon.
Quote from: elle's bells on August 06, 2018, 09:02:47 AM
And in a hilarious turn of events, I've realized something. I feel more like a woman now even in cargo pants and a t shirt, than I ever did wearing pretty dresses and high heels. All of that seems to have been an expression of some deep rooted desire to belong, to get right and with the dysphoria sort of evaporating, that sense I was looking for is there in the forefront. Like, I still feel comfortable in women's dress clothes, but it's not required any more. I can just... be.
I'm so happy you found peace and happiness.
I cut and pasted the above portion of your opening post as it describes me. Clothes don't make you a woman, but your attitude does. I've not worn a dress or high heels in over 5 years. I get ma'am'd All the time wearing jeans, t shirt and sneakers. We live off-grid, so I'm usually wearing coveralls, rubber boots or crocs lol
Quote from: Nina on December 03, 2018, 06:30:06 AM
I'm so happy you found peace and happiness.
I cut and pasted the above portion of your opening post as it describes me. Clothes don't make you a woman, but your attitude does. I've not worn a dress or high heels in over 5 years. I get ma'am'd All the time wearing jeans, t shirt and sneakers. We live off-grid, so I'm usually wearing coveralls, rubber boots or crocs lol
Thank you, Nina! I was with you on the clothes until the crocs... (just kidding!) Seriously I don't even know if attitude is the right word. What makes me a woman is that
I'm a woman. LOL. That's an impressive hike! I'm excited to get to that part of my life beyond transition where I just am and I do but I'm enjoying myself now too. Peace and happiness is exactly the right word for it.
I promised I would write about my trip to the city for my friend's birthday party in downtown but first a little history...
I have a friend who I'm going to call Mr. B, he and I have been thick as thieves since we sniffed out each other's weirdness at my first TV job. He joined me in making ridiculous YouTube videos and just last year we went to see Lana Del Rey together. He was one of the first people I came out to about 7 years ago and has been a stubborn but dedicated ally since. It helps that his intellectual curiosity and playful gender expression makes him open to understanding my experiences in a no bull>-bleeped-< kind of way.
Until I started hormones, nothing really changed about how we talked or interacted. I was just a guy in his eyes that liked to play dress up and "act like a girl" sometimes, but on the night I showed up at his place in CT to travel into the city to attend the party together (his wife is also my good friend but she was working and unable to go,) things were very different. I put on a cute dress, pleather leggings, tall riding boots with a modest heel, and made up my face and hair all purty like and arrived to his house an hour late to the time I said I would be there. Atypical for me. When I came in I immediately set about painting my nails which I had not had time for at home. I told him, "they would dry in the car." Being married to a woman that keeps nail polish remover in her TV table, he understood and sat patiently while I applied. We had time yet before we needed to leave. We had discussed on the phone on the ride over how to coordinate our looks, and as my nails set I gave his choices a once over for approval. Jackets wee swapped but ultimately, he did pretty good.
So as we sat in the car, I wanted to address the elephant in the room as soon as possible. We were on a date, right? It was platonic but we were a couple tonight. This took him aback and for the briefest moment it got uncomfortable but then his wife called and we both had a great big laugh. I told her via speakerphone that I was borrowing him for the night and she and I shared a few laughs at his expense before I promised to keep him out of trouble.
Traffic was hell and Mr. B took the lull to tell me about the recent passing of his grandfather which he had kept hidden until now because, although we met on Thursday for a viewing party of Shrek Retold (the hilarious Shrek fan remake,) he had wanted to forget his troubles and enjoy himself. He hoped to get a similar therapeutic effect driving out to the city for this party. I consoled him and listened quietly to him regale me with tales of his grandfather, a man I knew by reputation alone, whose exploits with a monkey in his barn were legendary. I told him, with me, that a good time was guaranteed.
When we got to the FDR, and hit midtown my bladder sent out an emergency signal. I told him I needed a restroom and we pulled off the busy road early. We found parking near the Lincoln Center after some frustrating stop and go traffic and wound our way towards Columbus Circle. I was carrying a gift for our friend J, nine volumes of a graphic novel series I thought she would enjoy in a birthday bag. It proved too heavy for me to carry blocks at a time so I asked Mr. B if he would help me out, we could even take turns. He took it gingerly and rejected my further offers to take the load back. I smiled at this.
Or I would have if my bladder wasn't exploding. We found a restaurant and although the start time for the party was fast approaching, we were both starving. We decided to get a table and a bite to eat before showing up fashionably late but first I could use this chance to sneak into the back and use the ladies room. That plan went better in my head than it did in practice. It turns out that this fancy restaurant had slick polished stone floors and my Pikolino's boots lacked the tread (despite ample scoring I did) to navigate them safely. I was like a drunk princess at Disney on Ice swooping and sloshing from table to wall as I gathered an increasing number of disapproving eyeballs in my direction. Eventually I got to where I needed to go. Thank god the stalls were individual rooms because I literally just got my pants off before, still standing, a fire hose like spray erupted. Too much information? XD
Turns out the wait time was 40 minutes so we bailed. Mission accomplished. Mr. B asked if I wanted something warm to drink so we popped into a cute little bake shop with LUDICROUS prices including $16 for a finger sandwich. While I was marveling at the prices, Mr B went and ordered his drink. When I slid up to the counter he nodded to the waiting cashier and let me throw my hot chocolate on his bill. This wasn't necessarily a male/female thing, but the flow of how it happened and the ease with which we both settled into these roles was new.
We took the subway downtown and when our car arrived, Mr. B, immediately made his way for the middle of the car and although I expected him to continue to the wide open space between seating areas he abruptly stopped right before with little explanation. "Oh, okay. We're stopping in the middle of the seats for some reason?" He didn't register my complaint so I continued on to the open area by myself. When a load of people got off at the next stop he suggested we sit, and I went to join him on the empty row. Again, I expected we'd fill to the last seat but we stopped 1 short, and this time I was so sure that was the plan that I bumped into him. "Wow. You're not going to take the seat furthest down? Why are you so particular?" to which he replied, "God, you sound like my wife." And I was like, "I feel for her plight!" We laughed and then he explained that he wanted to see out the window. A reasonable explanation but I demonstrated that we could see out the window from any of a dozen other options that weren't so infuriating.
When we arrived to the party, we took a booth by ourselves and ignored our friend completely. This was all part of our master plan to have a better birthday party than hers, and tease her about it all day which I'd done through a rival event I created on Facebook that just so happened to be at the same time as hers. I had been sending her updates all night of Mr. B and I at various locales, living it up. She was quite furious and confounded in her replies. She eventually caught sight of us and came barreling up for admonishments and hugs.
We eventually joined the various pods of her party scattered across the bar. A last minute venue change had left us with few options for gathering everyone at the same time at the same table. Still starving I ordered a chili burger which seemed like a safe bet for pub grub. The beer chili that went on the burger was housemade and thus, probably pretty tasty. Mr. B ordered the same. This is important.
When my burger came and I went to lift it, after shooing away the scavengers aiming for my french fries, the men at the table gasped. "Yeah, dig in girl? You got a chili burger? Good for you!" and other such comments. No one said >-bleeped-< about Mr. B's burger which was the same. After a few bites I realized I had to be careful with my beard cover so I opted to fork and knife it. "Oh man, look at you all dainty with the fork and knife! Who are you George Costanza?" I wasn't mad, mind you. I played along and joined in but I literally couldn't eat without comment. No matter what I did it was a topic brought up for praise, ridicule or more likely a little of both. Meanwhile Mr. B was ALSO eating his burger with a fork and knife and was doing so in complete peace. I brought up this discrepancy to the men at the table and they nodded and then pointed out the difference I'd been neglecting; my dress, my boobs, my hair, my makeup.
That's when I knew. I was like, "Oh >-bleeped-<. I'm a woman!"
All in all, it was an interesting experience and I had a great time. After the party and later that evening, while rubbing my aching feet, on our ride back to CT I asked Mr B, what had changed about me (we both felt it) and his response was, "you're so much more outgoing."
That was it. It really was. I was so... generous with my smiles, laughter and listening ears. I talked to so many people I might've otherwise not engaged with.
At the end of the night, Mr. B brought me a blanket and I crashed on his couch without a second thought.
I like this version of me.
Quote from: elle's bells on December 03, 2018, 08:22:30 AM
I like this version of me.
Nice story! I am glad you enjoyed the date. And, yes, the part of your post that I quoted is what it is all about.
Your date put a smile on my face. You exude confidence to the nth degree. I doubt you'll forget the night for a very long time. It sounds like you don't need to try hard to be you...it's like natural.
Congrats!!
Quote from: elle's bells on December 03, 2018, 08:22:30 AM
I promised I would write about my trip to the city for my friend's birthday party in downtown
That was it. It really was. I was so... generous with my smiles, laughter and listening ears. I talked to so many people I might've otherwise not engaged with.
At the end of the night, Mr. B brought me a blanket and I crashed on his couch without a second thought.
I like this version of me.
I was smiling so big the entire time I was reading this! Sounds like you had an incredible night and experienced so many new things!
I used to be a lot more introverted, but as I have started my journey, it feels natural to interact with people more! I'm glad you had such a wonderful time.
I look forward to hearing more about your journey!
Lacy
Wow, just wow. What a great story. Wearing a dress to a big awards ceremony would be wonderful. It seems that things are happening on a good time table for you.
No great big story to share this time but I did come out to my co-workers who I have previously described here on Susan's as "not particularly woke." They certainly lived up to that descriptor. The one I'm closest to, G, reacted with a slightly exaggerated, "REALLY?" and then "SINCE WHEN?" but I know him well enough to know he doesn't mean anything by that. I'm giving them time and space to process everything as I don't think they fully get it yet. They didn't ask any questions about names, or pronouns, or time tables and immediately went back to misgendering me. I expected this and I'm trying not to take it personally. Since I haven't gone to HR yet to set my own time table, I don't really have any right to demand anything more of them than understanding. At least now I don't have to hide my self (not that I thought I was doing a very good job of that) any more.
That was the good news...
I want to share happy stories and adventures here but the truth is sometimes this ain't so easy breezy. Last night, when I told my partner, sensing that momentum for a full time life was building, she asked me not to drop off my daughter to school in a dress until she was ready for it in maybe "middle school or high school" She's afraid of bullying. On the one hand I understand the real concern... on the other hand, FORGET THAT.
Like, everyone has something. My partner is Japanese born, maybe THAT's going to be a source of embarrassment or ridicule at some point. We can't control how other kids respond to our lifestyle, only how our daughter reacts to their comments. I believe in our daughter and I believe she will fight for me. I don't want to hide myself away like I'm ashamed of it. To me, that sends the wrong message to everyone. It suggests that what I'm doing is wrong. We had a big fight. We made up but this isn't going to go away. We're going to have to discuss things and chip away at it. I'm in no rush but if I'm going to start wearing makeup to work, it's going to be hugely inconvenient to have to come home every time as well.
Earlier that day... our heroine called home to her parents thinking to get their advice on some child rearing issues, instead her mother answered. Ugh. I will never have the relationship I want with my mother. My sister never had the relationship she wanted with my mother. But that doesn't mean I don't try. However, the indoctrination into the cult of Fox News and her embracing of only the most annoying and uncharitable parts of the bible has made it even more difficult lately. She told me she had a dream about me in shadows and smoke and I was sad. For those just catching up with this issue, "MY MOTHER IS A PSYCHIC DREAMER" whether that's true or delusional I have never been able to determine but the point is, she believes it and she's been prophetic once or twice in the past. So, with trembling concern she asked how I was and I said, "GREAT!" That seemed to deflate her ballooning maternal nurturing instinct and betray her dream. What I couldn't tell her was that if her dream is a portent of something it's probably that I'm transgender and she doesn't know about it.
Well, as these things go... she started babbling about demons and hell fire. Useful images for excusing the worst of human behavior but when applied to anything that doesn't conform to the norm as idle threat, utterly meaningless. I listened as a good daughter does, peppering her rhetoric with a contrary thought or two but mostly just nodding and verbally agreeing for half an hour. When I felt I'd done my penance, I gathered myself to say goodbye but instead a blaring sound came out of my car speaker that drown out everything else and nothing would make it stop. Divine intervention? Mechanical malfunction? No idea but it certainly shook me none the less.
It feels in some way like a countdown has begun to when I bring my parents (mom included) into this epic narrative I began almost 6 months ago. But for now, I just have to keep it to myself and figure out how I'm going to break their hearts.
Quote from: elle's bells on December 06, 2018, 04:49:39 AM
No great big story to share this time but I did come out to my co-workers who I have previously described here on Susan's as "not particularly woke." They certainly lived up to that descriptor. The one I'm closest to, G, reacted with a slightly exaggerated, "REALLY?" and then "SINCE WHEN?" but I know him well enough to know he doesn't mean anything by that. I'm giving them time and space to process everything as I don't think they fully get it yet. They didn't ask any questions about names, or pronouns, or time tables and immediately went back to misgendering me. I expected this and I'm trying not to take it personally. Since I haven't gone to HR yet to set my own time table, I don't really have any right to demand anything more of them than understanding. At least now I don't have to hide my self (not that I thought I was doing a very good job of that) any more.
That was the good news...
I want to share happy stories and adventures here but the truth is sometimes this ain't so easy breezy. Last night, when I told my partner, sensing that momentum for a full time life was building, she asked me not to drop off my daughter to school in a dress until she was ready for it in maybe "middle school or high school" She's afraid of bullying. On the one hand I understand the real concern... on the other hand, FORGET THAT.
Like, everyone has something. My partner is Japanese born, maybe THAT's going to be a source of embarrassment or ridicule at some point. We can't control how other kids respond to our lifestyle, only how our daughter reacts to their comments. I believe in our daughter and I believe she will fight for me. I don't want to hide myself away like I'm ashamed of it. To me, that sends the wrong message to everyone. It suggests that what I'm doing is wrong. We had a big fight. We made up but this isn't going to go away. We're going to have to discuss things and chip away at it. I'm in no rush but if I'm going to start wearing makeup to work, it's going to be hugely inconvenient to have to come home every time as well.
Earlier that day... our heroine called home to her parents thinking to get their advice on some child rearing issues, instead her mother answered. Ugh. I will never have the relationship I want with my mother. My sister never had the relationship she wanted with my mother. But that doesn't mean I don't try. However, the indoctrination into the cult of Fox News and her embracing of only the most annoying and uncharitable parts of the bible has made it even more difficult lately. She told me she had a dream about me in shadows and smoke and I was sad. For those just catching up with this issue, "MY MOTHER IS A PSYCHIC DREAMER" whether that's true or delusional I have never been able to determine but the point is, she believes it and she's been prophetic once or twice in the past. So, with trembling concern she asked how I was and I said, "GREAT!" That seemed to deflate her ballooning maternal nurturing instinct and betray her dream. What I couldn't tell her was that if her dream is a portent of something it's probably that I'm transgender and she doesn't know about it.
Well, as these things go... she started babbling about demons and hell fire. Useful images for excusing the worst of human behavior but when applied to anything that doesn't conform to the norm as idle threat, utterly meaningless. I listened as a good daughter does, peppering her rhetoric with a contrary thought or two but mostly just nodding and verbally agreeing for half an hour. When I felt I'd done my penance, I gathered myself to say goodbye but instead a blaring sound came out of my car speaker that drown out everything else and nothing would make it stop. Divine intervention? Mechanical malfunction? No idea but it certainly shook me none the less.
It feels in some way like a countdown has begun to when I bring my parents (mom included) into this epic narrative I began almost 6 months ago. But for now, I just have to keep it to myself and figure out how I'm going to break their hearts.
Congratulations on coming out to your coworkers! That is a huge step and is definitely momentum building! I have not hit that point yet, but I can understand the size of it! I'm proud of you. When things are good, they are good!
On the other hand, when things are bad, they are bad. My wife has shared the same concern with me about our kids being bullied when I start living full time. We have had fights about it, and to me it feels like a major over reaction, and an insult to the kids. Children are super resilient. When they are younger, they look to their parents to know what is "Normal". If they are taught that transpeople exist and are just as real as anything else, then that will follow that making fun of transpeople is wrong. Just like making fun of any other people who are different from what society and the media deem "NORMAL".
To be honest when my wife and I fought about this, I was more upset that she had such little faith in my children's ability to defend themselves and stand up for what is right and stand up for those who are made fun of. It sounds like you have just as much faith in your daughter as I do in my kids. You believe she will stand up for others, and not listen to the hatred that others try to spread. You trust her to pick friends that are loyal to her and love her. Friends that will defend her and her family.
I think some of the fears of the wife may come not so much about the kids, but more of a fear that other kids' parents will be judgmental. I think it is completely ridiculous to ask someone to hide their true selves from others, just because their is a
possibility that others will react poorly. Honestly, the amount of people that have reacted negatively to me coming out or being trans, is small compared to those who are support or don't care either way.
I hope things will get better in this situation as time progresses for you.
I do believe we have had conversations elsewhere that seem to show your mother reacts very similar to you as mine does. The overtly filled texts with "son", "man" and any other male pronoun or reference that the can fit in, whether they make sense or not!
My parents are pastors, and my sister and her husband are pastors. I get texts from them about me "Being on their heart" or "They have been thinking about me daily" followed with "We pray you have a closer relationship to God" and that you "Embrace all God has to offer", which is Christianese for "I disagree with what you are and think you are living in sin. Pray the Trans away. You are going to burn!"
I am a Christian, and have found a way to accept both parts of myself. If they can't understand that I am happier and healthier than I have ever been since embracing my trans, and no longer living i the darkness of self hatred, anger and suicide, then I will never be able to change their minds.
It is disappointing and sad, as family means a lot to me. It is not unexpected at all. I still feel sad, but I no longer feel guilty that I "disappointed" them or "broke" their hears. Because they sure as heck don't have any problems continuing to freshly wound me with their views. We can disagree and still be civil and non judgmental. How often do you call your mom and tel her about all the things she does that hurts you, or disappoints you or that you disagree with?
I always respond with a big "GREAT!" just like you did, or answer everything in their texts or conversations besides the negative stuff about my transition. If they want to pretend that they aren't being harsh, then I can show that their opinions about me aren't worth the cellular waves that carry those words!
I hope that you can stay strong through all this, and stay focused on the silver lining! The happier you are, and the more you are staying true to yourself, the more it will rub off on others. And if not, then the place in your life those people hold, have changed. We have to look to the future and forget the past, no matter how hard that is.
BIG HUGS!
Lacy
Quote from: elle's bells on December 02, 2018, 08:10:13 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/3pXyeGw.jpg?1)
Went to my friend's birthday bash in NYC!! Got many compliments on my ASOS shift dress in gold and black sequin stars. Want to write more and will but for now here's a pic of how goddamn happy I was. Like, I don't even recognize this person.
More soon.
You look like you are having such a good time!
I really like that picture! You are photogenic!
Chrissy
Quote from: RealLacy on December 07, 2018, 09:02:35 AM
I hope that you can stay strong through all this, and stay focused on the silver lining! The happier you are, and the more you are staying true to yourself, the more it will rub off on others. And if not, then the place in your life those people hold, have changed. We have to look to the future and forget the past, no matter how hard that is.
BIG HUGS!
Lacy
Thanks for this <3 --Back at ya, babe.
Quote from: ChrissyRyan on December 07, 2018, 09:36:38 AM
You look like you are having such a good time!
I really like that picture! You are photogenic!
Chrissy
Thank you! I am not being falsely modest when I say that rarely have I been called photogenic. In the past I've always been really self conscious about my photos, probably ruining them with a goofy expression or pose. I have to think that maybe being comfortable with myself, has brought out more of my natural charm?
I'm mainly a lurker here. That doesn't sound creepy at all does it?[emoji3]
But I enjoy reading your posts. Obviously because I go through some of the same things but also because of how well you write.
One of the most incredible things that I'm discovering is how complete I feel now. From coming out to myself and everyone else and now 6 months hrt, I'm feeling so many different things that I never have before. Shoot even just feeling multiple things at one time is new for me. But feeling COMPLETELY comfortable and content and proud of who we are along with just being happy being happy is obviously life changing! I'm going from introverted almost antisocial to being mad at myself if I DON'T talk to people. It's mind bending but I think I can get used to this! I'm not passable and probably won't ever get there but I'm so proud that I'm trans and the route that I took to get to this point in my life. And of course who I'm becoming!
Keep the stories coming! You have a great looking family! Just keep plugging away when it comes to the hard times. The "We" is always more important than the "I". That's always helped my wife and I when life sucks.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Cheaney on December 08, 2018, 01:11:18 AM
But feeling COMPLETELY comfortable and content and proud of who we are along with just being happy being happy is obviously life changing!
Amen, sister! Thanks for speaking up. I'm glad I could lure you out of lurking mode. I've definitely done my share too.
I came out to everyone else who works on my show and I did it... with this letter (which is so very me)
Hello fellow <REDACTED>!
I hope the day finds you happy and in good health. I have some news to share...
I'm transgender! (Yay me!)
Boom.
Cue M. Night Shymalan style flashback to all the subtle hints peppered through out the time you've known me that portend this major twist.
Shocked? Don't feel bad. Most people are. At least here at <PLACE WHERE WE WORK> where I've had the camouflage of eccentricity from the get go (as well as awesome Justin Bieber hair.) Now, when I say that I am transgender, I mean that I am currently undergoing hormone therapy with the intention of medically transitioning into a female who shares my charming looks, style and skills in the "bay."
I'm telling you this because, well, I'm about 6 months into treatment and things are accelerating at a rate that's making it both difficult and undesirable to keep myself under wraps in both a figurative and literal sense. I've already told my truth to <NAMES REDACTED> but I figured it was time to bring the rest of the family on board.
It's going to be a while before I officially come out through the proper channels as I've only just started the conversation with HR (and I haven't yet started the application for name change, etc.) but I want to be clear that this isn't some big secret. I'm not ashamed and I'm not hiding. I've been out and proud since 2013.
Seeing as how I'll be switching teams, so to speak, the name <REDACTED> is going to be an awkward fit in due time. I would prefer, when you feel comfortable, that you call me <REDACTED> which is short for, in this case, <REDACTED> Whatever! It's a name that suits me and should I desire to jump to news anchor, <NAME REDACTED> has a nice ring to it. Ah alliteration.
By the way, don't sweat it if you forget or something. I'm pretty chill about the whole pronouns/old name thing.
Anyway, my congratulations to you all. If I'm your first transgender friend or co-worker, I have to tell you... you couldn't have asked for a better one! If you have any questions I am not shy about answering them, go wild either in e-mail or in person.
So, now with that out of the way, let's get back to making AWESOME TV together.
Reporting for <REDACTED>,
I'm <NAME REDACTED> back to you <REDACTED>
It went over well and everyone has been super supportive so far. I also met with HR to go over some details. I'm afraid I caught my rep unprepared but I eased her through the initial steps and stoked her enthusiasm. Turns out, I'm her first transgender employee. I heard later from my boss that she was seen reading up on matters relating to transgender people. So, I feel pretty good about being the bridge to her understanding.
I may not be out to the rest of the newsroom (I'm waiting on making an official statement until I feel like it's time to change which restroom I use) but that hasn't stopped me from wearing makeup everyday since sending the letter and the HR meeting and generally just being myself. No one seems to care one way or another except when they caught me singing "Wuthering Heights" while dancing down the hall like an idiot but I don't think that had to do with my gender expression. XD
"Heathcliff! It's me! I'm Cathy! I've come home and I'm... so c~~~~OLD
letmeinthroughyourwind~~~~OW"
In case you somehow don't know this classic Kate Bush song there's never a bad time to get acquainted.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1pMMIe4hb4
I don't know what I set out for with today's outfit, but I like where I landed. XD
This is basically my boy mode now.
Half of my clothes in this photo are menswear but I think it kinda works for a woman and I wore my beanie like a beret, holding it halfway up my hairline with bobby pins as if it were a fascinator.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FUWElFbr.jpg&hash=bc2db2c1ba543287cbab37f75ef4fdab6da22f3c) (https://imgur.com/UWElFbr)
My boss called my by my preferred name today and it sounded angry and alien coming out of his mouth but mostly because it was such a monumental shift! The funny thing is... I'M not used to it yet!
My friend says I look like I could be Maggie Mae Fish's sister.
Getting pretty male-fail-ish in that photo there... :). I assume you're getting a lot of confused looks out in the world.
I really do not see a guy in the photo.
Quote from: sarahc on December 12, 2018, 08:15:33 PM
Getting pretty male-fail-ish in that photo there... :). I assume you're getting a lot of confused looks out in the world.
That's pretty exciting if so! I've had a few strange looks here and there but probably because my voice is so incongruous. :/
Quote from: GingerVicki on December 12, 2018, 08:18:26 PM
I really do not see a guy in the photo.
LOVE EMOJI.
You might not be able to tell but I used to be really EMO. Probably before EMO was EMO. I was in several bands as a vocalist (if you're good someday I might share one of those catatastrophes XD) Anyway, I was digging through my stuff looking for a poem I wrote for my wife and I found some old lyrics that kind of showed who I was at the time. It's called "joy less joy"
your favorite food lost its flavor
and the apple of your eye
is writhing with worms tonight
but still you eat it up, still you insist on kissing things goodbye
why?
"a trick of the light, must be a trick of the light"
sometimes they play dead, sometimes they play alive
pathetic shadows wandering, clueless to their disguise
all feeling is gone
how can you hold on
when the pressure points are numb?
DREAM ME WHERE I DIE
BURN ME WHERE I HIDE
THERE'S NOTHING LEFT INSIDE
BUT WHAT'S BEEN COMPROMISED
I'M SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE
living amidst regret
seconds come like minutes.
faces of the dead betrayed
linger in your eyes
creeping onto the happy smiles
of every innocent child
though you struggle in vain
to wipe them away
their memory will not be denied
it lives on to be justified.
it's not any one thing that kills
more the sum of the parts
more the hole at the heart
joy less joy... abandon this heart.. to the void
you can grow a better one
(this time/i/will not pretend/the lives i touch/are meaningless
(in time/all connections/come with/dire consequences)
endless voyage... into the dark... set the ship aflame
someone has to light the way ahead
(in time/all connections/come with/consequences
(this time/i will not
I WILL NOT.
Upon close inspection it's definitely scratching at my dysphoria.
The date is set. January 7th, 3 days before the company party I will have my name changed on my company e-mails, systems etc. except where a legal name change is required to alter information like paychecks etc, and my gender transition will be official. That's the day I will start to use the women's restroom as well, which is not a big deal but also kind of nerve wracking. I don't have the opportunity to introduce myself to all the people who come and go in our building, and I feel like the first month or so is going to be hella awkward.
Anyway, after my meeting with HR today, I told a woman I often work with on graphic elements for our shows and she was super cool about it but this guy I sometimes work with heard my proclamation and started laughing, barely able to contain himself from full out s>-bleeped-<ing. I wanted to call out his behavior but in the end I thought, if I'm not tough enough to put up with a little ridicule and humiliation, then I should just stop now. I won't validate his reaction but I also am doing my level headed best to ignore it. Not everyone is going to be an instant ally after all. Man, I wanted to dress him down though...
Some part of me knows this is the right time, but another part of me thinks I should've waited 6 months. LOL. Glad I didn't.
@Elle's bells
Dear Elle:Definitely very exciting news for you to share with all of us following your transition journey and your thread.
Having your company make the changes needed to affirm your gender and your new name is so confidence building for you. Such good news.
Each and everytime you come-out to new people it will become easier and easier and it will be a less awkward experieince for you as you continue on.
You did the RIGHT THING by taking the high road and ignoring the guy that you sometimes work with... responding in any way to his snickering and laughing would have just be a signal to him that he hit a nerve with his insulting behavior. Again, you did "good" by just biting your tongue and moving on and ignoring him..... that maybe should be the lesson for all transitioners facing ridicule and insults.... ignore, walk away, holding your head high.
I am looking forward to reading your continuing updates.... your are about to travel in a place in your journey that may be the most exciting and self-affirming part of your transition.
Thank you for sharing and posting...
Hugs and well wishes as always.
Danielle Quote from: elle's bells on December 18, 2018, 08:14:26 PM
The date is set. January 7th, 3 days before the company party I will have my name changed on my company e-mails, systems etc. except where a legal name change is required to alter information like paychecks etc, and my gender transition will be official. That's the day I will start to use the women's restroom as well, which is not a big deal but also kind of nerve wracking. I don't have the opportunity to introduce myself to all the people who come and go in our building, and I feel like the first month or so is going to be hella awkward.
Anyway, after my meeting with HR today, I told a woman I often work with on graphic elements for our shows and she was super cool about it but this guy I sometimes work with heard my proclamation and started laughing, barely able to contain himself from full out s>-bleeped-<ing. I wanted to call out his behavior but in the end I thought, if I'm not tough enough to put up with a little ridicule and humiliation, then I should just stop now. I won't validate his reaction but I also am doing my level headed best to ignore it. Not everyone is going to be an instant ally after all. Man, I wanted to dress him down though...
Some part of me knows this is the right time, but another part of me thinks I should've waited 6 months. LOL. Glad I didn't.
Elle, that is awesome news! I waited until my legal name change was complete before going full-time because I did not want to be dead-named all the time in emails! The first month or so can be really hard, but the biggest obstacles I encountered were in my mind. Keep your chin up, and be proud of who you are. Tell yourself you own the place. The time will pass quickly, and soon everything will seem normal again -- except now you get to wear nicer clothes and use the ladies room!
If anyone openly mocks you, definitely mention it to HR. No one needs to put up with a toxic work environment. Avoiding direct confrontation is always a good idea. I wish you the best of luck young lady!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Just a quick note. As you can see, I donated to Susan's this month (I used to donate under a different username long ago but not until recently been active again) and I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment to encourage anyone who enjoys this thread or any of the other wonderful threads here to as well. Susan's is not only a fantastic resource that has helped me immeasurably through the various phases of my transition but it's a warm sanctuary, a book club, a diary where I can record my thoughts and share my stories as well as enjoy the companionship and tales of some of the nicest most generous women on the planet. If you have the means, please consider making a donation to keep susan's free for all who need it.
Thank you.
Elle I totally agree, this is also why I donate. My transition was definitely better due to information I gained here - people who understand and have faced many similar challenges, discovering questions I didn't even know to ask. Sharing experience. This site did impact my life and future and I hope the site can continue to be available to others. I've met some amazing women here, and men, and nonbinary. ;)
I too donated a few weeks ago. This site hasn't necessarily helped me, but I contributed because I know it helps others.
If I had one wish, and I know donating doesn't give me the right as I don't own this site, but I wish topics weren't locked so fast because of disagreements. We're all adults here, I'm sure we should be able to endure banter even if it is around politics or religion. I'm not saying a full assault on ones ideals, but surely healthy conversation from both sides of an argument is good. I believe in agreeing to disagree.
In Facebook I belong to a couple "uncensored" groups...which is good. If something doesn't agree with me or it offends me, I move on. Can't let it bother me.
And on that note I want to add that of all the forums I have visited or continue to visit that relate to other topics, people on this site are by far the most polite people I have ever encountered on any internet site.
Quote from: Nina on December 19, 2018, 11:11:12 AM
I too donated a few weeks ago. This site hasn't necessarily helped me, but I contributed because I know it helps others.
If I had one wish, and I know donating doesn't give me the right as I don't own this site, but I wish topics weren't locked so fast because of disagreements. We're all adults here, I'm sure we should be able to endure banter even if it is around politics or religion. I'm not saying a full assault on ones ideals, but surely healthy conversation from both sides of an argument is good. I believe in agreeing to disagree.
In Facebook I belong to a couple "uncensored" groups...which is good. If something doesn't agree with me or it offends me, I move on. Can't let it bother me.
For me that comes down to the question of what I want out of Susan's. While I would gladly get into spirited conversation about politics or religion with individual people here, it's not really why i come and I have plenty of other social spaces where I can engage in that practice. I wonder if maybe Susan's has to remain somewhat neutral in order to foster an atmosphere of welcoming to those who might be intimidated or scared off by that kind of volatile discourse? Susan opens her doors to people at their most vulnerable, and I feel like it kind of needs to stay a judgement free zone across the board.
The bathroom conundrum!!!
Duh Duh Daaaaah!!
So I learned some stuff yesterday when I decided to wear a slightly bolder shade of lip color to work. Firstly, PEOPLE NOTICE THAT. I've been wearing full makeup for over a week now including eyeshadow, eyeliner wings, foundation, blush, nude lip colors in addition to all women's clothes but half the guys at the news station barely seemed to notice and girls were mostly giving me winky eyes like, "hey girl, I see you." But add a little brighter lip shade and BOOM, the guys are all taken by surprise!
I polled my girl squad about this and the consensus is that even for women wearing a bold lip shade signifies something and often elicits assumptions like, "Going somewhere fancy?" Ugh. I immediately regretted my choice but silly me, I used a marker like lip stain that I love that lasts super long and is REALLY tough to remove.
Before I was using the men's room with very little issue but I crossed some invisible threshold and now its completely awful. So, I used the ladies room... down the very long hall on the opposite side of the complex because I don't feel like having that conversation yet and I sit on my rear end all day so I need the exercise anyway. First thing I notice... they have awesome lighting and a full length mirror! You'd think we would have that in the mens room since the news anchors use it as their changing rooms half the time but no TERRIBLE LIGHTING.
Look at this dope lighting!
(https://i.imgur.com/A0GARsi.jpg)
Anyway, baby steps. I chickened out later when I had to use the bathroom and darted into the men's room. When I came out I nearly gave a bearded old guy a conniption as he seized up after getting a look at me coming out of the men's room. I just apologized profusely and moved on but I gotta just pull the plug and go team ladies lest I seize up any more grandpas XD
Seriously though I wanted to crawl into a hole and die and I wish HR had just told me which to use. I could've used some strict authoritarian decision making and a company wide email stating my status (they denied this request stating it was "proven to do more harm than good." Okay?)
That leaves it on me to make the women at my work comfortable with me in their spaces and that's just... a lot. It's news so it's hard to know when to make that kind of talk.
Elle, it's simple. All I see in your photo is a beautiful woman. Women use the ladies room! Just make sure you do your business while seated, and no one will care.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Congratulations you look amazing I start hrt on the 4of Jan .its really exciting but yet scary to my new wife is not sure about this whole idea .it helps because she was in a lesbian relationship for a couple years. Really still on the fence of how this will turn out it's great and hopefull that I can have success like you have Congratulations again
Quote from: Chris39 on December 21, 2018, 06:13:48 AM
Congratulations you look amazing I start hrt on the 4of Jan .its really exciting but yet scary to my new wife is not sure about this whole idea .it helps because she was in a lesbian relationship for a couple years. Really still on the fence of how this will turn out it's great and hopefull that I can have success like you have Congratulations again
Thank you and congratulations yourself, that's a
huge step. The key so far to maintaining my relationship with my partner has been keeping her peace of mind. That is, having answers to any and all questions she might have, and addressing her needs before she even brings them up. I don't know if what we have will last forever, I certainly hope it will, but I can only live in the moment and do everything I can to make sure we're both happy and our daughter is raised in loving household. So far so good!
I think another important thing, for us anyway, is not pretending things are exactly the same. In essence our marriage is in a state of transition and it's up to us to be honest and lean into those changes. We don't want to play make believe.
I wish you the greatest success and happiness in your own HRT journey! Keep me informed
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 21, 2018, 05:30:56 AM
Elle, it's simple. All I see in your photo is a beautiful woman. Women use the ladies room! Just make sure you do your business while seated, and no one will care.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Thanks, Jess. (Can I call you Jess?) I'm pretty sure once the gals see me in my dress at the holiday party on Jan 7th, and I have a chance to chat a bit, things will be less stressful.
Quote from: elle's bells on August 06, 2018, 09:02:47 AM
And in a hilarious turn of events, I've realized something. I feel more like a woman now even in cargo pants and a t shirt, than I ever did wearing pretty dresses and high heels. All of that seems to have been an expression of some deep rooted desire to belong, to get right and with the dysphoria sort of evaporating, that sense I was looking for is there in the forefront. Like, I still feel comfortable in women's dress clothes, but it's not required any more. I can just... be.
This is exactly how I feel now that I am on HRT. I still want to dress feminine, but since I am not at all passable yet, I present as a man publicly. And it doesn't bother as much. I still feel very feminine even if my clothes (and facial hair) don't match how I feel.
Quote from: elle's bells on December 21, 2018, 08:43:15 AM
Thanks, Jess. (Can I call you Jess?) I'm pretty sure once the gals see me in my dress at the holiday party on Jan 7th, and I have a chance to chat a bit, things will be less stressful.
'Jess' is fine with me, that is actually what most of my coworkers call me. A few use Jessie or Jessica, but I will respond to any of them. That is actually one of the hardest parts of transition, getting used to a new name. Your automated response system takes a while to become accustomed to a new name. I still hesitate on occasion when someone asks for my name!
I was wearing a dress, leggings, and knee boots to pick my daughter up at the airport today. Of course I had to use the bathroom (darn spiro), and of course there was a line. A nice older lady started a conversation with me and we talked until stalls opened up for us. As frightening as the first few times were, I have never been confronted in the ladies room. I'm sure it will be fine, just enjoy the party!
Your Christmas QUEEN is here!
(https://i.imgur.com/7SLrDNg.jpg)
Our daughter had a sleepover last night, so we went out to see The Favourite which was wonderful and grotesque in its absurdity. Before the film started we had some time to wander the empty halls of the great holiday themed shopping mall, as if it were an undiscovered tomb to an Egyptian ruler.
(https://i.imgur.com/cGsc8Db.jpg)
As we walked, and giggled and whirled from sight to sight. I didn't feel like her husband. I felt like her best friend. And it frightens me. She is so stunning but do I have any right to keep that smile to myself? Doesn't she deserve to be cherished in the way a man cherishes a woman? ...Don't I? I can't fill that role in her life. I want to because I'm afraid of what it means if I don't, but also, I don't want to. I love her deeply, madly. She's family. She's my heart. But these new feelings, they might be a kind of sisterly bond just as strong but entirely different from the one i shared with her as her husband. I need to think on this. I'm sorry to bum you out this close to Christmas. I want to be the example of the couple that makes it through the fire of transition together, stronger! But maybe that's a fairy tale...
Happy holidays to you all,
She deserves to be cherished by someone who loves her, and from what I have read you are filling that role. If two people love each other, why should gender matter?
My marriage had reached the point where Susan (my wife), and at least one of my daughters, was afraid of me. I didn't see it at the time, but looking back it is obvious. In many ways Susan felt trapped and she had no escape. I try not to think about the past too much because now I see the pain I caused. That is probably why hearing or seeing my dead name is so painful to me now.
The thoughts and concerns you posted show how much you love her and care for her. Your relationship will be different, but all relationships are destined to change over time. What is wrong with being her best friend? Shouldn't two people in love be best friends?
Susan and I have been married over 34 years, and there were many times I was certain we would not see our next anniversary. Our marriage survived the fire of transition, and now it is stronger than ever. It really all depends on what each of you want out of life. As long as you love each other for who you are, not just your current biological configuration, then love will find a way.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 24, 2018, 06:45:10 AM
As long as you love each other for who you are, not just your current biological configuration, then love will find a way.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
I want this so badly to be true! Thank you for sharing that story with me, Jess. You give me strength.
It's like my emotions are hot on the surface this morning and demanding all my attention, rationality be damned. I've been seeing things in a very short-sighted way.
Feeling better, took my daughter to see Aquaman with very minimal makeup, skinny jeans, slip ons and a hoodie and still got Ma'am'd and my first thought was "Yo, don't you mean, Miss?" HAHAHAHA. I'm just kidding. I'm super grateful to be gendered correctly without having to make a monster effort. My new year's resolution is definitely to work on my voice though. WOOF. Totally buzz kill, that. Luckily it's cold season so I'm not the only croaky, unusually deep voiced maiden fair.
My cousin accidentally outed my transition to my sister because she found me on Twitter. So I fessed up to everything and shared my story of the last 12 months. My sister was fairly cool about the whole thing compared to the nuclear meltdown she had when I came out as transgender a few years ago. Apparently, she told her kids I was trans too but never told me she told them which... not cool, man?
I'm kind of relieved but also my sister will probably out me to my father so the clock is ticking on that big reveal. you know what? I'm okay with it. It's almost time.
New year, new me, huh?
Quote from: elle's bells on December 31, 2018, 09:37:04 PM
My cousin accidentally outed my transition to my sister because she found me on Twitter. So I fessed up to everything and shared my story of the last 12 months. My sister was fairly cool about the whole thing compared to the nuclear meltdown she had when I came out as transgender a few years ago. Apparently, she told her kids I was trans too but never told me she told them which... not cool, man?
I'm kind of relieved but also my sister will probably out me to my father so the clock is ticking on that big reveal. you know what? I'm okay with it. It's almost time.
New year, new me, huh?
@Elle's bells
Dear Elle:.... ahhhhh, the
"big reveal" to your father!!! Obviously this kind of thing can be a very tense time but once all of the reveals are done and everyone knows about the "new you" ... even if you are not completely accepted by all, it is like a big weight is lifted off of your shoulders... no more secrets or hiding.
I have so very much enjoyed your thread and your frequent updates and pictures that you post. Oh and by the way, the photo of you and your daughter is definitely wonderful to see... definitely the picture is a keeper... something to put in your personal journal for sure.
I love your "Christmas Queen" photo, you "look" the part perfectly...
prepare to rule!!! I trust that your Christmas was a
"Merry" one for you and that your
NEW YEAR will be a very good year for you...
...as you feel so led please keep your thread updated frequently so we can all be tuned in to your life events... we are your biggest fans and will always be rooting for you.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle
Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on January 01, 2019, 10:41:45 AM
@Elle's bells
Dear Elle:
Oh and by the way, the photo of you and your daughter is definitely wonderful to see... definitely the picture is a keeper... something to put in your personal journal for sure.
You mean the one from several pages back or are you referring to the woman in the white sweater who is my partner? XD If so, she'll be thrilled to hear she passes for my daughter!
Also, I can't wait for that big weight to be lifted! SERIOUSLY.
I had a great Christmas break. I spent much of it in the kitchen cooking and making cookies with my daughter when not trying to catch all the Pokemons. XD I hope your holiday was as lovely.
Thanks for reading!
I wore a dress to work (kind of.) I thought I looked cool, like a grown up girl scout (yikes!) but hard to tell how it went over because people were too busy giving me the hard stare. I've found myself unusually reticent in their presence. Like, they're in breaking news, so there's no good time to stand up and make a decree about myself. I'm hoping this all changes when I get a chance to socialize at the company Christmas party on the 10th.
(https://i.imgur.com/7VoAOJy.jpg)
Quote from: elle's bells on December 24, 2018, 05:55:21 AM
As we walked, and giggled and whirled from sight to sight. I didn't feel like her husband. I felt like her best friend. And it frightens me. She is so stunning but do I have any right to keep that smile to myself? Doesn't she deserve to be cherished in the way a man cherishes a woman? ...Don't I? I can't fill that role in her life. I want to because I'm afraid of what it means if I don't, but also, I don't want to. I love her deeply, madly. She's family. She's my heart. But these new feelings, they might be a kind of sisterly bond just as strong but entirely different from the one i shared with her as her husband. I need to think on this. I'm sorry to bum you out this close to Christmas. I want to be the example of the couple that makes it through the fire of transition together, stronger! But maybe that's a fairy tale...
Happy holidays to you all,
I will be thinking about those thoughts as well. The more my wife supports me, the more I feel our relationship changing. Our anniversary a couple days ago had a very different feel to it. We both had fun, but there was the definite "Husband" character missing from it. She seems happier than before, and I'm glad...but I can't help but think how long it will be before she needs that strong male figure that she thought she was getting from me.
The reality is that I may end up feeling the same way, or feeling like I need someone who wants to be with a woman. Right now I am just living in the moment with her and enjoying the new changes and happiness that we are currently experiencing.
Something tells me that this situation of a supporting wife turning into a supportive sister/girlfriend, if it happens that way, will be a hundred times less painful and shattering than a gentle ease into a mutual realization that both parties need something more.
Of course, throw kids into the mix and that brings in a whole other equation to consider.
There is so much to consider and prepare for, but maybe it is best to ride things out with these thoughts on the back burner so as not to drive oneself crazy!
Quote from: elle's bells on December 31, 2018, 09:37:04 PM
My cousin accidentally outed my transition to my sister because she found me on Twitter. So I fessed up to everything and shared my story of the last 12 months. My sister was fairly cool about the whole thing compared to the nuclear meltdown she had when I came out as transgender a few years ago. Apparently, she told her kids I was trans too but never told me she told them which... not cool, man?
I'm kind of relieved but also my sister will probably out me to my father so the clock is ticking on that big reveal. you know what? I'm okay with it. It's almost time.
New year, new me, huh?
I would be lying if I said that having members of my family that know i.e. Mom, Dad, Older Sister and her Husband out me to the rest of the family wouldn't be a relief for me! I still feel like I need to tell my younger sister, especially after chatting with her Christmas day dressed in Lacy mode. Besides that, I honestly don't plan to tell anyone else until I am nearly finished.
I do think that family should be respectful though, and if they tell others, to at least let you know that they did. Family can be unthoughtful even if they genuinely are not trying to be. As many other woman on this site have told me, no matter what happens, or how family reacts, always try to stay the bigger person and don't do or say anything you will regret later. We are judged harder by others, but that can be a good thing when you take people off guard with your positivety and non-pettiness. Good, along with bad, will make a bigger impact.
Lacy
I'll respond to your messages both here and in private in a bit but for now I must tell you all...
I told my father.
Or more accurately my sister implied something (they both deny this) and rather than lie or dance around the issue, I spilled everything when confronted. I was prepared to write an epic post about it but, honestly, it was kind of a non event. Every single concern or entreaty from his greatest hits collection I had a calm, loving response for and, believe it or not, he yielded to my grace! He still repeated his mantra of "I think this is the biggest mistake of your life" and tried to invoke how I'm hurting my partner and my daughter but I had answers for that too. I simply told him, my partner is a full grown woman and we have wide open lines of communication now. She's free to do as she pleases. I trust that my daughter will recognize me as the same loving parent I was before and that I've raised her to be compassionate and caring.
Now, I have to wait until he decides to tell my mother because he asked me to, and I feel a concession on this point is in everyone's best interest. He didn't out right say it, but he liked my name too! (it's not elle for the record that's just a placeholder name I used here waiting for inspiration to strike.)
Almost there...
Update: My sister just asked for a photo for her address book and she changed my name!! <3
That is awesome news Elle! You are off to a great start. The fact that your father listed to you is a wonderful sign. I wish you continued good luck!
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: elle's bells on January 02, 2019, 08:52:19 PM
I'll respond to your messages both here and in private in a bit but for now I must tell you all...
I told my father.
Or more accurately my sister implied something (they both deny this) and rather than lie or dance around the issue, I spilled everything when confronted. I was prepared to write an epic post about it but, honestly, it was kind of a non event. Every single concern or entreaty from his greatest hits collection I had a calm, loving response for and, believe it or not, he yielded to my grace! He still repeated his mantra of "I think this is the biggest mistake of your life" and tried to invoke how I'm hurting my partner and my daughter but I had answers for that too. I simply told him, my partner is a full grown woman and we have wide open lines of communication now. She's free to do as she pleases. I trust that my daughter will recognize me as the same loving parent I was before and that I've raised her to be compassionate and caring.
Now, I have to wait until he decides to tell my mother because he asked me to, and I feel a concession on this point is in everyone's best interest. He didn't out right say it, but he liked my name too! (it's not elle for the record that's just a placeholder name I used here waiting for inspiration to strike.)
Almost there...
Update: My sister just asked for a photo for her address book and she changed my name!! <3
I'm glad to hear the conversation with your Father went pretty good. Non events are good in those instances.
How exciting that your sister changed the contact information in your phone! And your dad likes your name! Exciting!
I think it is very thoughtful of you to give your father the permission to tell your mom.
I think family's response of "Biggest Mistake" of your life seems to be par for the course. At least from those who are not already aware and open minded about Trans. I like to think that it is their weird caring way to express they care.
I hope everything continues to go better and better for you!
Lacy
Elle, WOW! This is such awesome news. You did it!!
Thank you all for the kind support and for sharing in this journey with me. It means the world to me and I hope, even if just a little, I can inspire those among you who think all of this is somehow out of reach. It's not. I am proof.
It seems like things are moving fast now. Two things have happened since last I wrote.
1) I got my ears pierced. It's ridiculous that I waited this long when over half my guy friends have piercings of some kind or another but I guess I always thought if I dropped too many hints that I was "different" people might pick up the "trans" scent and sniff me out. Turns out, I needn't have ever worried XD
Piercing them may seem like a small deal but it's more like the final puzzle piece of this vivacious, confident woman, locking into place. What a piercing means is that I don't care if my parents see me with earrings over FaceTime. Because I'm prepared now and also...
2) My dad told my mom.
The good news is, neither of them disowned me. In fact, they told me they loved me and, though it was hard for them, they accepted that this made me happy. Before you cry tears of joy on my behalf please understand that this came couched in deadnaming, snide admonishments and was so rehearsed and cold I thought for a moment that my father was moving my mother's lips. But...
It's a start and a promising one, at that. What more can I ask for?
I guess in some fantasy version of all this, I imagined a new start for my mother and I. The most emotional part of piercing my ears was when I got home and read the care instructions alone and wondered what tricks my mother would have shared with me if I'd had them done when I was a tween. I guess I'll never know... what other things could she teach me? What would it be like to shop with her as mother and daughter? Maybe I'm what she needs!!
I have more to add but for now I will say, we did it, friends. WE DID IT.
Good for you! Overall, this sounds very, very positive! :) Yay!
Chrissy
Today is my 7 month tranniversary! Things are pretty awesome! Rather than escalate with the glam ups, I thought I'd just change my profile picture to one of me and my Charizard dinosaur crested gecko, Tomato just chillin' being buds. I was pretty sick over the last two weeks so I actually didn't get to go to my company party like I had hoped.
I did however put together a get together for my immediate show family and that was great. It was nice to be myself outside of "work" with these people who've known me for so long now.
Regardless of whatever plan I had concocted to use the company party to officially come out and reintroduce myself to everyone as the picture of feminine grace, I use the ladies room now. It's just... it's the only thing that makes sense. I'm out, my work e-mail is changed, I told the pit crew to spread the word about me. It kind of sucks to be honest because the ladies room stall has these slats that are SUPER WIDE, so everyone can kind of see what's going on if they even glance your way. Not ideal for someone still navigating the plumbing a penis brings with it while attempting to be ladylike but that's the price. I still feel a little like an imposter in that space. It's gonna take time and, I think, friendly faces to make me feel more at ease.
I had laser this morning and I think I'm done. YAY. If I wanna zap those last few grays, I'm gonna have to go the electrolysis route from now on. But I dunno if I will.
I've gotten to the point in my transition where I don't know whether people know I'm trans when they start talking to me and it's almost worse somehow than having it clear from the beginning? Not knowing from which position I'm speaking can be a bit fraying to the nerves. Still grateful that I've come far enough to raise that ambiguity.
My sister always calls me my new name (it's Bree short for Sabrina, by the way) and I've been helping her through a bad breakup. She has been completely accepting of me this go around and even called me her little sister. I can tell our relationship has shifted because the level of detail in our conversation has gotten, almost grotesquely intimate XD We already shared our first joint cryfest!
Oh, if any of you wanna follow me on twitter, I'm @StewOfBoo (Boo is a longtime nickname I use professionally)
No reason to hide anymore. :D
Someone PM'd me asking about how my progress was going, like, body and mind wise. So here's my 7th month update on that.
So, sadly I haven't had much breast development lately. It seems I'm just about an A cup and that may be where I stay for now, maybe forvever? My legs got a touch more shapely and weight seems to go to my hips now and not my gut so praise Jeebus for that. :D
The most obvious thing for me personally is that my hair has changed. It's a little finer a little silkier and, sadly, more prone to breakage. I'm on a no hair bands policy while I rebuild it back up, though I've broken that policy several times already :P My hair down there has changed too, it's like someone flat ironed it, lol. It's softer and there's less of it for sure. It's also, lighter in color than my other hair and that's not grey hairs it's like auburn instead of dark brown.
Another thing, my libido is slowly returning and you could say that I felt "horny" the other day. Something that I haven't felt in 6 months at least.
I also feel a little more vulnerable and frightened when dealing with men though that may be because I've effectively taken a woman's role in social interactions. When I volunteered a solution at work recently, my coworker raised his voice and curtly told me I was wrong which shut me down almost to the point of tears. I gave him the cold shoulder after that and it seems he realizes that his behavior was inappropriate. If I'd been a "guy" I feel like I could've bellowed back or backed off but I physically locked up when he yelled at me like it was instinctual.
That's about it really. Curious to see where I'll be for my one year in July.
Time for more fab fashion with elle's bells!
So, after I have laser I really can't get a clean shave for a few days after and it used to make me pretty wary of trending female with my look but since I use the ladies and I'm full time now, I don't have that luxury any more so I counter programmed my look by going ultra femme.
(https://i.imgur.com/1hp2ZF5.jpg)
The intention behind this look was "hip... but ladylike' while I think the fundamentals are sound, man, I wish I had a more defined waist! My poor belt looks like it's trying to cinch in a cinderblock! Oh well, my friend Laura says I should use a wider belt with the same idea and Katie told me to hitch the belt a little higher up (but I think that's my limit since it will be around my ribcage if any higher.)
I'm like the super mom who takes the leftovers of three meals and makes a semi decent casserole out of the chaos. I have no money for more clothing items right now so I'm mixing and matching and casting black magic over the pieces I do have to mixed results. It's actually really fun even when I come up short as I did here. These shoes I bought like 4 years ago I think and this is the first time I've really worn them out!
I love the oufit, the colors and every piece is nice! I personally wouldn't wear a belt over that thick of a cardigan. I've worn a similar look with a lighter, long, flowy cardigan without buttons that I closed- so the belt looked like it served a purpose. Still your outfit is very nice!
Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Quote from: elle's bells on January 26, 2019, 05:09:00 AM
Time for more fab fashion with elle's bells!
So, after I have laser I really can't get a clean shave for a few days after and it used to make me pretty wary of trending female with my look but since I use the ladies and I'm full time now, I don't have that luxury any more so I counter programmed my look by going ultra femme.
(https://i.imgur.com/1hp2ZF5.jpg)
The intention behind this look was "hip... but ladylike' while I think the fundamentals are sound, man, I wish I had a more defined waist! My poor belt looks like it's trying to cinch in a cinderblock! Oh well, my friend Laura says I should use a wider belt with the same idea and Katie told me to hitch the belt a little higher up (but I think that's my limit since it will be around my ribcage if any higher.)
I'm like the super mom who takes the leftovers of three meals and makes a semi decent casserole out of the chaos. I have no money for more clothing items right now so I'm mixing and matching and casting black magic over the pieces I do have to mixed results. It's actually really fun even when I come up short as I did here. These shoes I bought like 4 years ago I think and this is the first time I've really worn them out!
Elle,
You are so photogenic. :)
Chrissy
Quote from: ChrissyRyan on January 26, 2019, 01:02:21 PM
Elle,
You are so photogenic. :)
Chrissy
WHAT? ME? NO! WHY? ... thanks. *turns three shades of pink*
Seriously though I have plenty of non-photogenic moments, lol. Like every time someone else takes a picture of me and I can't control every single aspect!
Quote from: Allison S on January 26, 2019, 01:00:09 PM
I love the oufit, the colors and every piece is nice! I personally wouldn't wear a belt over that thick of a cardigan. I've worn a similar look with a lighter, long, flowy cardigan without buttons that I closed- so the belt looked like it served a purpose. Still your outfit is very nice!
Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
Thank you!
I think you are a pretty good looking woman who has a very pretty face! I enjoyed reading your stories!
Quote from: elle's bells on January 26, 2019, 05:09:00 AM
Time for more fab fashion with elle's bells!
So, after I have laser I really can't get a clean shave for a few days after and it used to make me pretty wary of trending female with my look but since I use the ladies and I'm full time now, I don't have that luxury any more so I counter programmed my look by going ultra femme.
(https://i.imgur.com/1hp2ZF5.jpg)
The intention behind this look was "hip... but ladylike' while I think the fundamentals are sound, man, I wish I had a more defined waist! My poor belt looks like it's trying to cinch in a cinderblock! Oh well, my friend Laura says I should use a wider belt with the same idea and Katie told me to hitch the belt a little higher up (but I think that's my limit since it will be around my ribcage if any higher.)
I'm like the super mom who takes the leftovers of three meals and makes a semi decent casserole out of the chaos. I have no money for more clothing items right now so I'm mixing and matching and casting black magic over the pieces I do have to mixed results. It's actually really fun even when I come up short as I did here. These shoes I bought like 4 years ago I think and this is the first time I've really worn them out!
I really love that outfit, looks awesome. I think your friend might be right about a wider belt under the sweater though.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
No one has said it yet...but those legs! Girl! Work those babies! Gorgeous!
I also like the thick belt under the sweater, but I don't think it needs to go higher.
Lacy
Quote from: Dietlind on January 27, 2019, 08:52:41 AM
I think you are a pretty good looking woman who has a very pretty face! I enjoyed reading your stories!
Thanks Dietlind! And might I say that you are STUNNING for a woman over 60 let alone in her 70s!
Quote from: TonyaW on January 27, 2019, 04:56:44 PM
I really love that outfit, looks awesome. I think your friend might be right about a wider belt under the sweater though.
Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Thanks! Yeah, I'm definitely rethinking the styling.
Quote from: RealLacy on January 28, 2019, 08:49:51 PM
No one has said it yet...but those legs! Girl! Work those babies! Gorgeous!
I also like the thick belt under the sweater, but I don't think it needs to go higher.
Lacy
Haha! Thanks. My walking sticks are definitely my charm point.
Quote from: elle's bells on February 02, 2019, 05:08:04 AM
Thanks Dietlind! And might I say that you are STUNNING for a woman over 60 let alone in her 70s!
Well, the cosmetic industry helped a lot with my looks! When my friend did do the contouring with me, I almost felt as if I was in for a repair job in an auto body shop.
Any painter would have been in awe after seeing her millions of brushes, and other tools to apply layers of some masses onto my face!
I am an emotionally changed person. There's no other way to say it. How I process my emotions and my responses to others has become so calm, loving and
precise. When I try to remember how I felt as a guy (or at least on testosterone since I was never technically a "guy,") it feels like my emotions were slapdash and unfocused.
When I was in high school I took an aptitude test and the result was that I should become a counselor and I scoffed at it. I was so screwed up in my own head, I thought surely no one would want to take advice from me. I never really thought too hard about it again but recently, I've come to think I would make a damn fine counselor with proper training etc. Not that I'm going to but... well, here's an example.
My Mom. I've been gently nudging my parents to continue their progress towards acceptance of my gender identity rather than get stuck in the denial stage. In FaceTime sessions with them I've flat out stopped attempting to "butch up" my looks or personality. First of all because I don't want to and second of all because it's oftentimes inconvenient. I want them to know my new normal and if they object, well, they can always not call. It's strange how cold this attitude seems but it doesn't change how much I love them.
After weathering their misgendering and lack of effort to even start out on the right foot, I finally snapped and told them how I feel not in a whiny or desperate way but in a matter of fact appeal to their better natures. Following that my mother said, adorably, "Hi Bree!" (that's the name I use outside of here in case you forgot) Things seemed to improve with her but my Dad is taking it hard and I could see the pain he was in. More on this in a bit.
A couple days later, I txt'd my mom telling her that since she had not taken me up on my offer to help me choose a middle name, I wondered what she thought of Ray (spelled Rae or Rei) after my grandfather. She responded back that she liked my old middle name "Philip" but said I could "do what I want" ignoring my request for her opinion completely. So, I wrote back that "philip" was unsuitable for a woman's middle name and that I didn't need or want her permission to change it, what I wanted was her opinion. She apologized and I told her that I wasn't mad or sad, that I simply wanted her to be a part of my life moving forward because I love her. Like I said, precise.
If I was an emotional machine gunner before, I was an elite sniper now.
My Dad. Because I saw how tough it was on him, I called him up to get a temperature read and see if I could help address some of the issues he was having. He immediately put up walls and started deflecting. He said "there's nothing you can do" "we're just old folks set in our ways" so I told him, "You're right. But there are things
you can do." I told him that I feared that he would carry this burden by himself and that his insistence that time would heal all wounds and all he needed was time, wasn't entirely true so long as he had those mental barriers up. Then I started asking him questions.
My mother is religious and she worries for my immortal soul, but my father has no such convictions. So why was he so against the idea of my being transgender? I understand that he mourns for his son, but what about this person, your child, has really changed due to a transition? He told me he fretted for my wife and child, my family. I told him that the issue of my wife and child is between me and her and that his relationship with them was between those individuals.
What else? Is he embarrassed to be seen with me? Is he worried about social situations? He said he didn't know. He always claimed he wanted me to be happy beyond anything else. After a little stammering he said he felt I had made a terrible choice and was worried about me and my life going forward. I told him it was never really a choice and that I was happier than I had ever been. He admitted again that he understood that and had reconciled with the fact that this is the only way for me to feel whole. So I said, if you understand that and you see that I'm the same person who likes movies about two guys killing each other with swords, then I ask again what's really changed?
He got defensive. Said I was psychoanalyzing him. I told him he was right and that I had no right to ask these questions but then I lead him where I needed him to go: Back to the idea of talking to someone, either a counselor or a close friend. I told him it's important to understand not just
how you feel but
why you feel that way. My Dad is from the old school. This is such an alien concept to him. He sent me to therapy as a kid, let them put me on antidepressants, but this wasn't something he would ever consider for himself. I concluded by telling him that I only want to ease his pain and get to the part where our relationship has never been better.
I didn't cry. I didn't take the bait. I didn't escalate the fight. This new version of me waits for her moment to strike with deadly precision but also remains kind and self reflective. I don't want to win. I want everyone to win and that's the real difference.
Phew. That was a lot of writing! Time for a palette cleanse, more fab fashion!!
(https://i.imgur.com/RePssz0.jpg)
JCrew accidentally sent me a semi sheer ivory turtleneck with a recent order (I'm starting up my Spring/Summer wardrobe y'all!) so I attempted to coordinate this unexpected addition with my other pieces. I found the process THRILLING. I'm definitely in Taylor Swift mode here. All I need is the red lips. In fact, I think these cute oxford shoes are from when I was starting to build towards transition 5 years ago and I had a bunch of pictures of tall women like Swift, Karlie Kloss and Deborah Ann Woll for inspiration.
Quote from: elle's bells on February 07, 2019, 04:27:17 AM
Phew. That was a lot of writing! Time for a palette cleanse, more fab fashion!!
(https://i.imgur.com/RePssz0.jpg)
JCrew accidentally sent me a semi sheer ivory turtleneck with a recent order (I'm starting up my Spring/Summer wardrobe y'all!) so I attempted to coordinate this unexpected addition with my other pieces. I found the process THRILLING. I'm definitely in Taylor Swift mode here. All I need is the red lips. In fact, I think these cute oxford shoes are from when I was starting to build towards transition 5 years ago and I had a bunch of pictures of tall women like Swift, Karlie Kloss and Deborah Ann Woll for inspiration.
You are a darn good looking lady! I bet if your dad would go out with you, he would be proud presenting such a pretty daughter to his buddies!
Saying Goodbye.
(https://i.imgur.com/i29VjXJ.jpg)
I told myself I'd never be the type of person who would refer to their male persona in the third person, but here I am this morning doing just that. My life as a woman, and I can say that now without even a hint of a pause in my voice, is well underway. Day in and day out I live as a woman wearing the clothes, shoes and accessories which fit my body and my lifestyle. I realized today that I have no more use for "his" things and so I started to bag them for storage or donation.
And that's when it hit me.
The enormity of "his" life. So full of light and love and laughter. So many beautiful, bittersweet memories... that we shared; he in the driver's seat and me a passenger. All that pain that he endured for me, to keep me safe, at last, at rest. I don't know what the future holds but I know that I will live a full, sparkling life worthy of his sacrifice. I'm so grateful to the big guy but it's okay... he can rest now.
I GOT THIS.
Quote from: elle's bells on February 09, 2019, 12:38:13 PM
Saying Goodbye.
And that's when it hit me.
The enormity of "his" life. So full of light and love and laughter. So many beautiful, bittersweet memories... that we shared; he in the driver's seat and me a passenger. All that pain that he endured for me, to keep me safe, at last, at rest. I don't know what the future holds but I know that I will live a full, sparkling life worthy of his sacrifice. I'm so grateful to the big guy but it's okay... he can rest now.
I GOT THIS.
This si so very well and nice said, and I actually drives tears into my eyes, bcause I know that moment is not far away for me, too.
I really liked the guy I was, he worked hard to be a real man who he never could be, but he tried hard, each time over again, until he finally broke down, and gave up to make room for the she in me!
I am glad that he did all what he did, because without him, the she would be nothing!
Thank you Elle, for putting it so nice, and now I have go, to find something to mop up the tears in my eyes!
Hugs
Linde
Quote from: elle's bells on February 09, 2019, 12:38:13 PM
Saying Goodbye...
I GOT THIS.
I feel the same way about 'him'. She never could have survived the late 60's, 70's, and 80's. 'He' protected her through all those years, until one day 'he' realized she was now strong enough to survive on her own. 'He' certainly had faults, but 'his' last act was what allowed her to live. I owe 'him' my life.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Quote from: elle's bells on February 09, 2019, 12:38:13 PM
Saying Goodbye.
And that's when it hit me.
The enormity of "his" life. So full of light and love and laughter. So many beautiful, bittersweet memories... that we shared; he in the driver's seat and me a passenger. All that pain that he endured for me, to keep me safe, at last, at rest. I don't know what the future holds but I know that I will live a full, sparkling life worthy of his sacrifice. I'm so grateful to the big guy but it's okay... he can rest now.
I GOT THIS.
Maybe it is the higher dosages, but this got me all teary eyed! I never really thought about it that way. I always give others the benefit of mourning the lost "Man" they have known forever, but never really stopped to appreciate what living with him has done to benefit and protect me. I have always seen him as a negative, black tumor that I lived with. Some one who trapped me and held me back. When I look at things from a different perspective I realize there were things that wouldn't have happened without him.
Lacy
Quote from: elle's bells on February 09, 2019, 12:38:13 PM
The enormity of "his" life. So full of light and love and laughter. So many beautiful, bittersweet memories... that we shared; he in the driver's seat and me a passenger. All that pain that he endured for me, to keep me safe, at last, at rest. I don't know what the future holds but I know that I will live a full, sparkling life worthy of his sacrifice. I'm so grateful to the big guy but it's okay... he can rest now.
I GOT THIS.
Bree,
When I grow up... I wanna be like... welll I admire your courage and your love for life. you've become an even more beautiful person, but it's not from the physical changes. You rocked even before.
Anyway, I can so relate to his protection. I doubt I'd be here without it. maybe one day soon he can finally rest. When that day comes I may donate his stuff, or build a pyre.
Quote from: elle's bells on February 09, 2019, 12:38:13 PM
Saying Goodbye.
(https://i.imgur.com/i29VjXJ.jpg)
I told myself I'd never be the type of person who would refer to their male persona in the third person, but here I am this morning doing just that. My life as a woman, and I can say that now without even a hint of a pause in my voice, is well underway. Day in and day out I live as a woman wearing the clothes, shoes and accessories which fit my body and my lifestyle. I realized today that I have no more use for "his" things and so I started to bag them for storage or donation.
And that's when it hit me.
The enormity of "his" life. So full of light and love and laughter. So many beautiful, bittersweet memories... that we shared; he in the driver's seat and me a passenger. All that pain that he endured for me, to keep me safe, at last, at rest. I don't know what the future holds but I know that I will live a full, sparkling life worthy of his sacrifice. I'm so grateful to the big guy but it's okay... he can rest now.
I GOT THIS.
Hi Elle - I haven't been in your thread before but I am going to join the party fashionably late if that's OK. I remember the day I took all my male clothes to Goodwill. Bags and bags of them. I took a pic of the pile too. Have it somewhere.
When I dropped those clothes off I realized OK this is it. I am really doing this. I never have looked back. No regrets. My life is harder in some ways than it used to be but I still wish I had done it years ago.
I notice many people see their male and female personas - I can see that, it is common. I just don't feel it. For me I am the same person that did all of those things and lived that life - this is just another chapter - a much delayed one.
The whole family went for manipedis this morning, all of us first timers. You can probably tell by the photo that we had a blast. I got a gel french manicure on the recommendation of my sister who said it's "elegant and goes with everything." but I kept it springtime down below with orange sunset on my toes. So enamored were the techs with my daughter that they did her nail art free of charge. :D It was pricey but I'll definitely come back for fill ins and maybe make it a seasonal thing for the works. My partner could not get enough of the massage chair!
(https://i.imgur.com/T7xYnb0.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/iJ4V3xU.jpg)
Quote from: elle's bells on February 16, 2019, 01:35:31 PM
The whole family went for manipedis this morning, all of us first timers. You can probably tell by the photo that we had a blast. I got a gel french manicure on the recommendation of my sister who said it's "elegant and goes with everything." but I kept it springtime down below with orange sunset on my toes. So enamored were the techs with my daughter that they did her nail art free of charge. :D It was pricey but I'll definitely come back for fill ins and maybe make it a seasonal thing for the works. My partner could not get enough of the massage chair!
(https://i.imgur.com/T7xYnb0.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/iJ4V3xU.jpg)
Nice!
Chrissy
Quote from: Jaime320 on February 14, 2019, 10:33:34 PM
Bree,
When I grow up... I wanna be like... welll I admire your courage and your love for life. you've become an even more beautiful person, but it's not from the physical changes. You rocked even before.
Anyway, I can so relate to his protection. I doubt I'd be here without it. maybe one day soon he can finally rest. When that day comes I may donate his stuff, or build a pyre.
Thank you, Jaime! That's sweet of you to say.
If it can happen for me, it can happen for anyone. There were times when i had made peace with living as a man. I'm as surprised as anyone that I got here. I hope you get where you want to go too.
Quote from: KimOct on February 14, 2019, 11:04:33 PM
Hi Elle - I haven't been in your thread before but I am going to join the party fashionably late if that's OK. I remember the day I took all my male clothes to Goodwill. Bags and bags of them. I took a pic of the pile too. Have it somewhere.
When I dropped those clothes off I realized OK this is it. I am really doing this. I never have looked back. No regrets. My life is harder in some ways than it used to be but I still wish I had done it years ago.
I notice many people see their male and female personas - I can see that, it is common. I just don't feel it. For me I am the same person that did all of those things and lived that life - this is just another chapter - a much delayed one.
More than OK! Glad to have you on board! Thanks for reading my stories. I often go back and forth with this, especially in conversations with my partner. I feel silly referring to the old me as a separate person, especially since I still retain the same feelings and memories of my biggest moments; my wedding day, the birth of my daughter, half off all you can clams at the Clam Shack (I might be making that last one up.) I agree, it's as much a chapter close as it is a funeral for me.
Quote from: RealLacy on February 11, 2019, 04:52:26 PM
Maybe it is the higher dosages, but this got me all teary eyed! I never really thought about it that way. I always give others the benefit of mourning the lost "Man" they have known forever, but never really stopped to appreciate what living with him has done to benefit and protect me. I have always seen him as a negative, black tumor that I lived with. Some one who trapped me and held me back. When I look at things from a different perspective I realize there were things that wouldn't have happened without him.
Lacy
I was crying so hard. SO HARD. Like big sloppy One Piece tears...
(https://i.imgur.com/NAVOe0w.jpg)
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 09, 2019, 05:58:44 PM
I feel the same way about 'him'. She never could have survived the late 60's, 70's, and 80's. 'He' protected her through all those years, until one day 'he' realized she was now strong enough to survive on her own. 'He' certainly had faults, but 'his' last act was what allowed her to live. I owe 'him' my life.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
and what a life, at that! You've done 'him' proud, Jessica.
I'm devouring imaginary popcorn while reading your story. It's so interesting and enlightening and you are such an inspiration. You look great, by the way! I've gotten the hint that you work in TV production and I find that so fascinating. Props to you, girl!
- Fleur
Quote from: fleurgirl on February 16, 2019, 03:13:08 PM
I'm devouring imaginary popcorn while reading your story. It's so interesting and enlightening and you are such an inspiration. You look great, by the way! I've gotten the hint that you work in TV production and I find that so fascinating. Props to you, girl!
- Fleur
Thank you, Fleur! That's such a pretty name! I'm super flattered that anyone would find me inspiring!
I could type a bunch of words and say it all wrong. So a simple:
Thank You for your thread
will sum it up, I think.
Hi Elle's Belles:
I am finally growing out of my protective cocoon to see, really see others here. I just read your thread and want to say thank you!
You are living my fantasy and you are giving me hope that I have a chance.
It gives me great joy to shake off the bleakness that has been infecting me for the last few months.
Massive hugs,
Emma
Quote from: Emma1017 on February 21, 2019, 07:49:32 AM
Hi Elle's Belles:
I am finally growing out of my protective cocoon to see, really see others here. I just read your thread and want to say thank you!
You are living my fantasy and you are giving me hope that I have a chance.
It gives me great joy to shake off the bleakness that has been infecting me for the last few months.
Massive hugs,
Emma
Well, you know what happens when you emerge from a cocoon right? You become a BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY that's what! I'm glad you're sharing your fab with the rest of the world. Thank you so much for reading. Massive hugs back at ya!
What's in a Name?
Bond. James Bond. You know who that is from the moment he introduces himself. He's got swagger!
As adorbs as I thought elle's bells was for a nickname to use here, it was time to get real. I haven't gone by Elle since a couple months after I started an account actually. In fact, it was never a great fit for me. For awhile I was like 90% sure I was going to use, Briana, the feminized version of my deadname because it would make the transition easy for everyone else including my family. I even wrote this super long sappy post about it on Facebook claiming that I found my inner zen penguin and with it acceptance of who I was ::) but when it came time to give my name to my employer... I had to take minute.
What did I want from a name? Who was this person I was going to be for the next 40 years? Did I feel like a Briana? I was pretty sure I didn't. I decided to sleep on it. Then about two days later I was scrolling through my Netflix account looking for something to watch, and my eyes lit upon a name: SABRINA.
...yes, as in the Chilling Adventures of a Teenage Witch... immaterial where it came from! XD
In that moment I got a glow, girls. I felt the future. As a tall person with large-ish features I'd always tried to encourage or choose pseudonyms that made me feel more slight, petit or were otherwise diminutive in some way. Ny nickname in college was Boo, and it was so small and round and cute. Elle was an accident that happened when I was drawing loops on a paper. It was soft and easy and feminine. Well, that ain't me!
I'm bold, sassy, vivacious. I'm a people person! I want to dance! I want you to ask me to dance! I wear what I like and own it like I made it. I'm dramatic! I breeze into a room and make everyone a teensy bit happier and at ease. I care passionately! Love deeply! And yet, there's something sad and mysterious about the name Sabrina too. I carry my sadness like a river that sometimes wears me down but softens those hard edges and reminds me of all the beauty in the world. I carry the sadness of others as if it were my own.
Also it's just nice to say, Sabrina. I feel like an adult. I feel like a person. I want Doctors and Lawyers to call me that. Of course, everyone immediately took to calling me Bree, which I think is really cute and easy and also feels like me. XP
I offered my parents a chance to choose my middle name but they weren't ready and I was. So I mulled it over a bit and decided to make it an homage to my hero, my grandfather Raymond but to give it a twist I spelled it as they do in Japan, a nod to my long history with that culture. Yes, like Rei from Evangelion! We actually were going to name our son, Rei, but that wasn't meant to be. We ultimately chose not to have any more children. So I'll carry that with me as well.
Also, Sabrina Rei just sounds cool. Like country music star cool.
I knew I'd made the right decision when my daughter called me and screamed my name over the phone after having to go to the doctor for a foot infection and being so scared. It broke my heart because she needed me, her mother, and I wasn't there. I haven't mentioned this but she doesn't call me daddy anymore. We use maddy/maddie (mom-daddy) now or just Sabrina. She's been really good about it. My parents use Bree all the time now too.
So I'm sorry elle's bells, your time is up. Long Live Sabrina Rei!
Aww I always like the Elle's bells word play. Oh well. Bree fits much better anyway.
I went down to Florida for a long weekend of good food, fun and R&R with my childhood buds. They've known for a long time that I'm trans but this was the first time since I began transitioning that any of them would meet me as Sabrina. It went amazingly well and I had a total blast. I also got to meet my parents for the first time as Sabrina and I am happy to announce that it also exceeded my most hopeful expectations! Three days, lots of new challenges and not a sour note. I'm absolutely floating on a cloud!
We got an airBnB about 10 minutes from Disney Springs and stocked it with Prosecco, cider, meats and cheeses. We lunched on Cuban food and at night we dined at a rustic restaurant with a seasonal menu called the Rusty Spoon on Church St in downtown Orlando. Church St at night was LIT. So many people having such a good time, music, dancing in the warm night air. I got to wear my new mid heel sandals out with some shorts and my leopard print sweater for a fun and breezy look. Here's some photos! Sorry, I'm the only one who takes photos usually so there aren't any full body ones!
(https://i.imgur.com/Zl9BgGw.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/DrWLlBe.jpg)
Our appetizer was deviled eggs and a super flavorful octopus and squid salad with chorizo and brussel sprouts.
(https://i.imgur.com/bihePFs.jpg)
My entree was the handout parpadelle with guanchale (pork cheeks) which was so authentic to how I had the same dish in Italy! It took me back there!
(https://i.imgur.com/oSTBMMX.jpg)
My friends weren't always on board with my constant photo taking XD
(https://i.imgur.com/dVIcnlx.jpg)
The next day I met my parents for lunch and I want to talk more about that but for now I'll share this photo of us which I think says everything I need to say.
(https://i.imgur.com/76WYAan.jpg)
To think the day would come when my parents would be smiling in a photo with me in a dress is almost too much XD I never dreamed it would happen and now it has!
I leave you all with this video I took to mark the occasion on Facebook please forgive my terrible voice. :D
https://youtu.be/zw21sBQU-aw (if it doesn't work copy and paste in the following ht.tps://youtu.be/zw21sBQU-aw into your web browser and remove the extra . in ht.tps --Sorry it's not showing up on my browser :/)
Quote from: Sabrina Rei on March 04, 2019, 08:11:18 AM
I went down to Florida for a long weekend of good food, fun and R&R with my childhood buds. They've known for a long time that I'm trans but this was the first time since I began transitioning that any of them would meet me as Sabrina. It went amazingly well and I had a total blast. I also got to meet my parents for the first time as Sabrina and I am happy to announce that it also exceeded my most hopeful expectations! Three days, lots of new challenges and not a sour note. I'm absolutely floating on a cloud!
We got an airBnB about 10 minutes from Disney Springs and stocked it with Prosecco, cider, meats and cheeses. We lunched on Cuban food and at night we dined at a rustic restaurant with a seasonal menu called the Rusty Spoon on Church St in downtown Orlando. Church St at night was LIT. So many people having such a good time, music, dancing in the warm night air. I got to wear my new mid heel sandals out with some shorts and my leopard print sweater for a fun and breezy look. Here's some photos! Sorry, I'm the only one who takes photos usually so there aren't any full body ones!
(https://i.imgur.com/Zl9BgGw.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/DrWLlBe.jpg)
Our appetizer was deviled eggs and a super flavorful octopus and squid salad with chorizo and brussel sprouts.
(https://i.imgur.com/bihePFs.jpg)
My entree was the handout parpadelle with guanchale (pork cheeks) which was so authentic to how I had the same dish in Italy! It took me back there!
(https://i.imgur.com/oSTBMMX.jpg)
My friends weren't always on board with my constant photo taking XD
(https://i.imgur.com/dVIcnlx.jpg)
The next day I met my parents for lunch and I want to talk more about that but for now I'll share this photo of us which I think says everything I need to say.
(https://i.imgur.com/76WYAan.jpg)
To think the day would come when my parents would be smiling in a photo with me in a dress is almost too much XD I never dreamed it would happen and now it has!
I leave you all with this video I took to mark the occasion on Facebook please forgive my terrible voice. :D
https://youtu.be/zw21sBQU-aw (if it doesn't work copy and paste in the following ht.tps://youtu.be/zw21sBQU-aw into your web browser and remove the extra . in ht.tps --Sorry it's not showing up on my browser :/)
You are a very petty girl, and I don't think your voice is bad!
I noticed a name change in my HRT thread (since I'm only on sporadically) so I looked around to find out what was going on.
You look like you're doing great for, what, 9 months on hormones? I can only wish for similar results. I know it's too late up top. :'(
That manicure looks good.
@Dietlind (http://@dietlind), you might want to get that typo checked out. ;)
Sabrina,
I just came across this posting. Wow, thank you for sharing your path. I loved reading it.
Julie
Quote from: Jennifer M on March 04, 2019, 10:49:51 PM
I noticed a name change in my HRT thread (since I'm only on sporadically) so I looked around to find out what was going on.
You look like you're doing great for, what, 9 months on hormones? I can only wish for similar results. I know it's too late up top. :'(
That manicure looks good.
@Dietlind (http://@dietlind), you might want to get that typo checked out. ;)
Hi Jen! I'm 8 months in and things are bordering on magical. Honestly, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've been following your thread closely and I'm excited that things are progressing for you. I know it's been hard and that you still have some things to work out with your family.
I didn't notice that typo! I think of all the terms I would use to describe myself even the worst aspects, petty is not one of them. lol. I take no offense. :P
Quote from: Julie -2010 on March 04, 2019, 11:36:13 PM
Sabrina,
I just came across this posting. Wow, thank you for sharing your path. I loved reading it.
Julie
Thank you for reading, Julie!
Quote from: Sabrina Rei on March 05, 2019, 08:38:30 AM
Hi Jen! I'm 8 months in and things are bordering on magical. Honestly, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've been following your thread closely and I'm excited that things are progressing for you. I know it's been hard and that you still have some things to work out with your family.
I didn't notice that typo! I think of all the terms I would use to describe myself even the worst aspects, petty is not one of them. lol. I take no offense. :P
Now I feel like a piece of C******! I hope you were able to mentally fill the missing R in!
And you are pretty, no doubts about that!
Girl! I am so happy your visit with the parents went well!
Super cute picture and video! You dance like a rock star! And your voice is so lovely. Adorable!
I hope your relationship with them continues to thrive!
Lacy
Quote from: RealLacy on March 06, 2019, 08:47:12 PM
Girl! I am so happy your visit with the parents went well!
Super cute picture and video! You dance like a rock star! And your voice is so lovely. Adorable!
I hope your relationship with them continues to thrive!
Lacy
Thanks, Lacy! I just can't believe my parents are this chill about it now! Also the world didn't end! Who knew!? XD
We went minigofling and I used the opportunity to get our annual photo of the whole gang taken by a third party. This is the one time you can see my whole outfit so although I was sweating my makeup off in the sweltering mid-morning heat, I include it here. I would've preferred you see this same outfit with the black sandals and more properly fab hair and makeup but I think it still works (as the cover of our new pop punk album: "BALLS, WHO'S GOT 'EM?" XD)
(https://i.imgur.com/3Jxj1SE.jpg)
And here's a special before and after with my longtime friend Donald. The first, taken almost two years ago at our first reunion at a Chicago steakhouse.
(https://i.imgur.com/UsyAhZG.jpg)
The latter, taken in front of the AirBnB just last week. What a difference a year and change makes!
(https://i.imgur.com/vNyqKYP.jpg)
I had a strategy going into meeting my parents for the first time as Sabrina and I want to share it with you.
First, it was about choosing the right location for the big moment. While it was tempting to stage my Sabrina reveal at some fancy new restaurant we had never tried before I didn't want there to be any unpleasant confrontation with challenging flavor profiles, or uncertain menu options. I wanted my parents to feel as comfortable and as in their comfort zone as possible. Since they were driving from an hour and half away just to see me I also didn't want to choose a place that was far from where I was staying or that could conceivably lead to us getting lost. Also, I wanted the restaurant to be casual but not too casual, I wanted table service and a relaxed atmosphere where we could talk without being drown out. I actually did ask, at one point, where my parents would like to eat but they quickly deferred the decision to me. I accepted without argument and then, the day of made a final decision. I chose the Bonefish Grill and it was absolutely perfect.
The other detail I agonized over was what to wear. In early talks my parents had suggested that they wanted me to present as gender neutral as possible and I had agreed a little too quickly to dress down in jeans and a flannel top. As the days and weeks went by it became apparent to me that, not only were they a little more open to my feminine side but that maybe dressing down was the exact wrong move. This was my big chance to define who Bree is in their eyes and hearts and if there's one thing this transition is about, it's being myself. I couldn't dilute that. So I consulted my partner and we agreed that I should wear a dress, but what kind? What level of formality? Which shoes and jewelry should I wear with it? How about my hair? ponytail? up? down? So I went through my closet and I thought I'd found the right dress, but as the date came closer, I became increasingly sure it was not the right dress. The one I had chosen was a black number with mesh details and colorful, splashy embroidered flowers. Acceptable for an evening look, maybe even a lunch but not a lunch in Florida at a mid tier family restaurant. The heels I had for it were too prim. So instead I chose a super casual thin cotton Old Navy dress with tiny embroidered flower details, that you can kind of see in the photos of us above. I also wore my swimsuit underneath it and let the straps show through at the top. Hair and makeup were just kind of a blessing. Both turned out spectacularly with minimal additional effort even though I will admit to fussing over every last detail.
The message I sent them was, above all else, confidence. The woman I wanted my parents to see was a woman caught mid-stream. She had a life. She had plans. This wasn't just a performance for their benefit. It was the result of a life being lived, and wise choices made to accomodate that life. This was a woman who knew how to dress for the moment, who knew how to handle herself in public and was unafraid to show herself to the world even in clogs that raise her 6'2" frame another two inches.
It worked. My parents saw who I wanted them to see. I didn't feel like i had deceived them in spite of all this calculation because who I wanted them to see, was me. The real me.
I kept the conversation lively, engaging and mostly about them. XD I veered away from politics and the news and even pop culture. Choosing instead to share in life details. Only a few times did I tell them about life as a woman, but when I did, i held nothing back. I asked my mom about all her jewelry, her outfit, and she in kind asked about mine. I mean, I was genuinely interested and I found it so refreshing to talk plainly about such things but I also wanted her to talk to me like a fellow female and that was a great shortcut. It also allowed me to open a new channel with her, girl talk. In the week leading up to this meeting I had become especially txt friendly, sending songs and inspirational quotes I thought she'd like. In hindsight I was seeding the idea that her "new daughter" was awesome.
It totally worked. You know you've succeeded when your mother, asks you where you got your heels. XD
Obviously every parent and every situation is different but this is what worked so well for me and I hope it gives you all ideas in how to approach your big moments. The next huge family event will be my niece's high school graduation in Austin in May. And that's when I've decided to wear the dress I didn't wear last week! So, look forward to lots of pics!
Sabrina, I am so happy for you (after finally getting caught up). Enjoy every moment of your youth and time with your parents. Some of us have neither, we live it though your stories. So ... post as much as you can. :)
Sabrina,
I am so glad the world didn't end! You sounded so happy in your video! I had to rewatch it a few times! Your dance hand me rolling!
I think you made a great choice of outfits and planned your day well. You showed great care as to your parents feelings, while still proceeding with the steps you needed to take for yourself!
You go girl!
Lacy
I don't have a mega posting to share at this time but I want to tell you all I had lunch with a girlfriend last Sunday whom I recently grew closer to and from the moment we started chatting, four hours flew by. It was like realizing that you're on the slow router and switching to the 5G. THE GIRL TALK IS REAL and it's wonderful.
Quote from: Sabrina Rei on March 13, 2019, 07:55:14 AM
I don't have a mega posting to share at this time but I want to tell you all I had lunch with a girlfriend last Sunday whom I recently grew closer to and from the moment we started chatting, four hours flew by. It was like realizing that you're on the slow router and switching to the 5G. THE GIRL TALK IS REAL and it's wonderful.
Good that you had a chance to experience your first real girl talk. You will discover over time that you can talk about a lot of different subjects among girls, of which guys have no idea that they need to be talked about!
I made Shepard's Pie for St. Patrick's Day because I don't like corned beef and cabbage and think of it as a punishment but couldn't satisfy my harshest critic. XD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZSoAWSHGrg
I started taking voice lessons online via a woman I met at a trans support group meeting some years ago (Nina Irani if you're interested) but it's going to be some time before I can consistently nail my female voice (i.e. train my muscles to create a new default.) Right now I still wake up sounding like Keanu Reeves. The voice I used in the above video was the best I could approximate in the moment and I chalk even that modest success up to the vocal training I did as a singer. I'm currently recording a new podcast series that will release sometime in April/May and my voice has thus far been utterly inconsistent. I'm, quite frankly, too mortified to listen. All I can do is make light of it and own it. I'll let you all know when it releases so you can share in my embarrassment. :P
Despite my successes, and my incredibly happy home life, dysphoria has been looming larger than usual these past few weeks. What makes it the worst is that I'm really trying and making an effort to be my best self and I feel like the energy I put into the world isn't being returned in kind. People at work aren't really smiling back at me anymore. Where once I thought they liked this new me, I've been sensing a shift in the story like some rumor went around without my knowledge. The woman in HR who helped me transition in the company is suddenly gone and I have no idea what ground I stand on now. Adding to this, I went from confident that my beard was on the ropes, to feeling like it just got its second wind and is now pummeling me with shadow. I can't get to a laser appointment until mid April and so I have to just live with it until then. I don't even know if what I'm seeing is what others see when they look at me or if I'm just freaking out. Then there's my parents who seemed so accepting and ready to join me on this journey when I met them in person but who have routinely ignored my txt messages, left the photos I send uncommented upon, and look so sad and small when I video chat with them. I guess these are the doldrums.
At least Spring is around the corner.
I can think of three things.
Your mood is in a down-swing tainting your world view and being too sensitive
or
the novelty that is you is wearing off the others and they are shifting back to 'eh, whatever'
or, the third,
a combination of both.
Worry less about what you see in them around you and more about what you feel on the inside about how you are.
... yeah, I need to follow that one myself - it's hard. Especially if the mood is waning.
I'm in no place to advise or anything, I relate too well with ill perceptions in regards to me where none exist.
Sabrina,
Hang in there. I understand some of what you are going through. I came out to my sons about 6 months ago. It went really well. But, unfortunately I don't have the same interactions with them that I had before. It is hard to put into words but things between us have changed. I don't think for the better. Am I happy that I came out to them? Yes, It was a good move and has really helped but I did fear this before.
I love what Faith said, "worry less about what you see in them and around you and more about what you feel on the inside."
Julie
Quote from: Sabrina Rei on March 19, 2019, 06:41:24 AM
Despite my successes, and my incredibly happy home life, dysphoria has been looming larger than usual these past few weeks. What makes it the worst is that I'm really trying and making an effort to be my best self and I feel like the energy I put into the world isn't being returned in kind. People at work aren't really smiling back at me anymore. Where once I thought they liked this new me, I've been sensing a shift in the story like some rumor went around without my knowledge. The woman in HR who helped me transition in the company is suddenly gone and I have no idea what ground I stand on now. Adding to this, I went from confident that my beard was on the ropes, to feeling like it just got its second wind and is now pummeling me with shadow. I can't get to a laser appointment until mid April and so I have to just live with it until then. I don't even know if what I'm seeing is what others see when they look at me or if I'm just freaking out. Then there's my parents who seemed so accepting and ready to join me on this journey when I met them in person but who have routinely ignored my txt messages, left the photos I send uncommented upon, and look so sad and small when I video chat with them. I guess these are the doldrums.
At least Spring is around the corner.
Hi Sabrina,
I can relate to the workplace vibe we end up dealing with. Initial coming out seems to have a better than real aspect. Then it sinks in everywhere and the crew needs active reassurance and interaction to make them feel positive about the trans scenario.
I believe things can sour if we dont take the initiative to keep things upbeat and team spirited.
Leaving trans things to fate, I believe, can slide into negative territory if we arent careful.
I can see you are naturally switched on and innately positive - I wish I had dose of your intrinsic buoyancy.
Your story is so dynamic and inspiring!
Best regards, Kirsten
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Hi Sabrina:
It is amazing what a personal emotional mine field we walk transitioning. On my thread I keep complaining about how tough it is to transition at 63 years of age and all the life long luggage I had to deal with.
Reading your thread, I was jealous (in a positive way) about your girlfriend experiences, how fortunate you were to be so young and how beautiful you looked but you also have your own mine field to walk.
We are all so vulnerable and we are so quick to be unfairly self-critical.
I have found so many times when I thought I was the focus of some one's anger that it was always something or some one else.
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I know that you will shake it off. Be confident that you are a warm and caring person.
Massive hug,
Emma
Quote from: Sabrina Rei on March 19, 2019, 06:33:09 AM
I made Shepard's Pie for St. Patrick's Day because I don't like corned beef and cabbage and think of it as a punishment but couldn't satisfy my harshest critic. XD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZSoAWSHGrg
I started taking voice lessons online via a woman I met at a trans support group meeting some years ago (Nina Irani if you're interested) but it's going to be some time before I can consistently nail my female voice (i.e. train my muscles to create a new default.) Right now I still wake up sounding like Keanu Reeves. The voice I used in the above video was the best I could approximate in the moment and I chalk even that modest success up to the vocal training I did as a singer. I'm currently recording a new podcast series that will release sometime in April/May and my voice has thus far been utterly inconsistent. I'm, quite frankly, too mortified to listen. All I can do is make light of it and own it. I'll let you all know when it releases so you can share in my embarrassment. :P
If you have time you can talk with me on skype or something I'll run you through the exercises my speech therapist taught me.
Among family members, parents, especially father, are always difficult. I try to put myself in my father's shoes. How would I respond if my son suddenly declares he is transgender, asking me help undergo GRS? This is a tough question, even to me as m2f transgender.
My father is very progressive compared with his age-mates at 80s. He says that he understands and supports gays and lesbians. He knows well about transgenderism. I know he tries hard to accept me. I am not on HRT, but still wearing skirts may annoy him. Of course, he always becomes happy whenever I visit his house 2 or 3 times every year. If I live with him, he may already have been accustomed to my new image like my wife and kids, and my colleagues and students. When having lunch or dinner together in restaurant, he just looks at me, and I know well that I am always his son, not daughter. Usually I do not wear makeup when I meet my dad. I try to wear very conservatively.
As I got a tenure position and everybody around me acknowledges my performance as a researcher and an educator, no serious challenge occurs at my work place. My wife is always supportive of me, and my kids just follow her. My sons already became adults, and the only thing they ask me is always money. My daughter at age 15 knows very well who I am. She is very curious and tries to open and touch every fashion and beauty items ordered and delivered from the internet. No problem with my kids.
My kids like my low and soft voice, as the voice of my wife becomes very sharp when she scolds them. This a reason why I am not willing to undergo VFS. I want to remain as a dad to my kids.
This is my short story so far, and may differ with yours in some respects.
barbie~~
Quote from: Faith on March 19, 2019, 07:08:29 AM
I can think of three things.
Your mood is in a down-swing tainting your world view and being too sensitive
or
the novelty that is you is wearing off the others and they are shifting back to 'eh, whatever'
or, the third,
a combination of both.
Worry less about what you see in them around you and more about what you feel on the inside about how you are.
... yeah, I need to follow that one myself - it's hard. Especially if the mood is waning.
I'm in no place to advise or anything, I relate too well with ill perceptions in regards to me where none exist.
Those a keen observations. That was certainly a bad day but between here and my Facebook, everybody was so loving and supportive that I got through it and the next was SO much better. Thanks, Faith!
Quote from: Julie -2010 on March 20, 2019, 10:07:07 PM
Sabrina,
Hang in there. I understand some of what you are going through. I came out to my sons about 6 months ago. It went really well. But, unfortunately I don't have the same interactions with them that I had before. It is hard to put into words but things between us have changed. I don't think for the better. Am I happy that I came out to them? Yes, It was a good move and has really helped but I did fear this before.
I love what Faith said, "worry less about what you see in them and around you and more about what you feel on the inside."
Julie
Thanks for sharing your story, Julie. I tell myself all the time that I can't control how people internalize my situation but that first interaction with my parents as Bree gave me hope and I ended up with a mouthful of sand when I realized it was just a mirage. It's going to take a lot longer to reshape our relationship. Anyway, your relationship with your sons had changed but maybe it just hasn't been tested yet. Sometimes people (my parents included I'm guessing) only really figure things out when centered around the concept of needing someone. Your boys will need you and in those times you'll figure out who you are to each other now. I know it!
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on March 21, 2019, 07:46:37 AM
Hi Sabrina,
I can relate to the workplace vibe we end up dealing with. Initial coming out seems to have a better than real aspect. Then it sinks in everywhere and the crew needs active reassurance and interaction to make them feel positive about the trans scenario.
I believe things can sour if we dont take the initiative to keep things upbeat and team spirited.
Leaving trans things to fate, I believe, can slide into negative territory if we arent careful.
I can see you are naturally switched on and innately positive - I wish I had dose of your intrinsic buoyancy.
Your story is so dynamic and inspiring!
Best regards, Kirsten
Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk
Thanks for your thoughts, Kristen and you make a great point! Sometimes I feel like I have to be
switched on at work just so that I can keep up that "there goes a happy trans woman" ball in the air because if I drop it people might associate me and my condition with unpleasantness. I want to be the fresh air in that stagnant basement news lair. But...
sometimes I don't feel that way. I don't always come in wearing a pretty dress and shoes. Sometimes I catch a hoodie and doc martens day and I don't wanna wear my thick makeup. So I also have to assume that everyone has those days and that showing me outward kindness because I'm different, is one of those things people sometimes don't feel like doing.
Quote from: Emma1017 on March 21, 2019, 09:03:48 AM
Hi Sabrina:
It is amazing what a personal emotional mine field we walk transitioning. On my thread I keep complaining about how tough it is to transition at 63 years of age and all the life long luggage I had to deal with.
Reading your thread, I was jealous (in a positive way) about your girlfriend experiences, how fortunate you were to be so young and how beautiful you looked but you also have your own mine field to walk.
We are all so vulnerable and we are so quick to be unfairly self-critical.
I have found so many times when I thought I was the focus of some one's anger that it was always something or some one else.
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I know that you will shake it off. Be confident that you are a warm and caring person.
Massive hug,
Emma
Massive hug back at ya, sister! Everyone here and in my life and on my other social media pages has been super kind and supportive and helped me shake it off with the quickness. The very next day I went into the office and realized it was almost entirely in my head. I had many lovely conversations, someone complimented my shoes and I met several new people.
I know you've had it rough and if reading my thread allows you to live these years vicariously through me, then I'm happy to have given you that. I only hope things continue going as well and that any adversity I meet I can do so with a big smile and a plucky attitude. We all do have our own minefields to walk, but we walk it together and we learn from others stumbles and successes.
Quote from: barbie on March 21, 2019, 06:27:35 PM
Among family members, parents, especially father, are always difficult. I try to put myself in my father's shoes. How would I respond if my son suddenly declares he is transgender, asking me help undergo GRS? This is a tough question, even to me as m2f transgender.
My father is very progressive compared with his age-mates at 80s. He says that he understands and supports gays and lesbians. He knows well about transgenderism. I know he tries hard to accept me. I am not on HRT, but still wearing skirts may annoy him. Of course, he always becomes happy whenever I visit his house 2 or 3 times every year. If I live with him, he may already have been accustomed to my new image like my wife and kids, and my colleagues and students. When having lunch or dinner together in restaurant, he just looks at me, and I know well that I am always his son, not daughter. Usually I do not wear makeup when I meet my dad. I try to wear very conservatively.
As I got a tenure position and everybody around me acknowledges my performance as a researcher and an educator, no serious challenge occurs at my work place. My wife is always supportive of me, and my kids just follow her. My sons already became adults, and the only thing they ask me is always money. My daughter at age 15 knows very well who I am. She is very curious and tries to open and touch every fashion and beauty items ordered and delivered from the internet. No problem with my kids.
My kids like my low and soft voice, as the voice of my wife becomes very sharp when she scolds them. This a reason why I am not willing to undergo VFS. I want to remain as a dad to my kids.
This is my short story so far, and may differ with yours in some respects.
barbie~~
Thanks for sharing, barbie. I know that I'm lucky to have a parent half as understanding as my father has been. I admire your strength.
Quote from: Sabrina Rei on March 23, 2019, 04:25:33 AM
Your boys will need you and in those times you'll figure out who you are to each other now. I know it!
Thanks Sabrina, I do hope I can figure it out.
Julie
Quote from: Sabrina Rei on March 23, 2019, 04:34:49 AM
Thanks for your thoughts, Kristen and you make a great point! Sometimes I feel like I have to be switched on at work just so that I can keep up that "there goes a happy trans woman" ball in the air because if I drop it people might associate me and my condition with unpleasantness. I want to be the fresh air in that stagnant basement news lair. But...
sometimes I don't feel that way. I don't always come in wearing a pretty dress and shoes. Sometimes I catch a hoodie and doc martens day and I don't wanna wear my thick makeup. So I also have to assume that everyone has those days and that showing me outward kindness because I'm different, is one of those things people sometimes don't feel like doing.
You don't have to always put on a mask to meet expectations. I transitioned so I wouldn't have to do precisely this. Everyone has a range of mood me and frankly if you didn't have down days how would ounkbow you are having an especially awesome day?
Quote from: Sabrina Rei on March 23, 2019, 04:34:49 AM
Thanks for your thoughts, Kristen and you make a great point! Sometimes I feel like I have to be switched on at work just so that I can keep up that "there goes a happy trans woman" ball in the air because if I drop it people might associate me and my condition with unpleasantness. I want to be the fresh air in that stagnant basement news lair. But...
sometimes I don't feel that way. I don't always come in wearing a pretty dress and shoes. Sometimes I catch a hoodie and doc martens day and I don't wanna wear my thick makeup. So I also have to assume that everyone has those days and that showing me outward kindness because I'm different, is one of those things people sometimes don't feel like doing.
I've come to work depressed and down many times after my coming out. Sloppy clothes, no make-up, hair tied back gruesomely ... I get concern, not avoidance. They all have their down days, I'm most certainly allowed mine and so are you.
Quote from: NatalieRene on March 26, 2019, 12:20:28 PM
You don't have to always put on a mask to meet expectations. I transitioned so I wouldn't have to do precisely this. Everyone has a range of mood me and frankly if you didn't have down days how would ounkbow you are having an especially awesome day?
no masks!! <<-----
Spring is finally here and I'm all for it.
Without dysphoria clouding my confidence, I've found myself running around completely carefree in shorts and a tanktop. This is, to be frank, unfathomable. I was always self conscious as a dude, and would often cover myself head to toe on even the warmest days. Though I had gotten a little more relaxed as I got out of my twenties I was still the guy who wore black jeans to the beach. An act of bullheadedness I still haven't lived down.
But... those days are done. The warm weather gives me life. Though, I am struggling to find makeup I don't immediately sweat through lol. I'd prefer not to wear any but I'm still fighting the beard. Man, it's starting to feel like Gandalf and the Balrog. I've been zapping hairs like this for a thousand years. When will it be done!? Probably when I go fully grey er... I mean WHITE. (Gandalf joke)
I had my first Twitter DM from a dude hitting on me. And a day later my second and now my third. It's a nice bit of validation but also what do they expect is going to happen? lol Being a girl (okay, woman) on the internet is not pretty.
Other than that I'm in like FULL MOM MODE now in how I live and present myself. I'm wearing a tunic with yoga pants and shades. That's how I'm going to work. :P I pretty much come and go around town without comment except on my height which the children in my daughter's daycamp seem endlessly thrilled by. They claim I move quicker than the other moms and they think I probably got that from playing basketball. I do have some fabulous twirls and pivots in my arsenal now.
Okay, I just wanted to say Happy Spring to everyone! Let you know I was doing good. I hope it's warm wherever you are.
I'm off to finish watching this episode of Crazy Ex Girlfriend!
Much love,
Bree.
Nice post. So happy for you!
Kate
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Hello all!
After several alluring teases the warm weather is finally upon us here in NJ and I'm absolutely here for it. Finally I get to play with some transitional spring/summer looks including these EXTRA pants I got from Old Navy with all over daisy print that make my butt look large (in a good way!) BA-DONK? XD
Anyway a picture speaks a thousand fabulous words!
(https://i.imgur.com/kJhPCRP.jpg)
I felt like this outfit was a risk from top to bottom but somehow it came together and got my squad's approval(which given my history of not getting their approval shows how far I've come with these fashion experiments!)
Speaking of warm weather clothes a short sleeve shirt I ordered arrived here last week. It's from a design painted by the professional vulgarian, artist of Bojack Horseman, and all around icon of ladyship, Lisa Hanawalt. I love how colorful it is and... horses. I could have gotten one delightfully covered in naughty bits but I don't think I want that kind of attention. ;D
(https://i.imgur.com/nf6YXPH.jpg)
I actually wore it on a mini vacation down to Cape May (a kind of old seaside resort town at the end of New Jersey) with the fam which you can see here:
(https://i.imgur.com/fKhKQvO.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/fUZwDmA.jpg)
I know I was telling you all how excited I was to attend my friends' wedding on Easter weekend and it did not disappoint! I decided to wear the dress I bought for sentimental reasons when I was out dress shopping with K and the squad for the rock and roll wedding plus I finally have comfortable, chic heels that go perfectly with it. DESTINY!
(https://i.imgur.com/YZEP8X9.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/9Iw50c7.jpg)
BOOM. Did I mention it was a nerd wedding and they totally got the real Chevy Impala "Baby" from Supernatural for us to take pictures with?!? There are some of me in the trunk looking smexy, but they ARE NOT flattering in the least. Hahaha. Know your angels angles, girl. XD
At the wedding, a couple thin Moscow Mules deep and I started getting my flirt on (harmless fun!) Have to say that I was vibing pretty well with HAMBONE, THE KARAOKE KING OF LYNDHURST, NEW JERSEY. (For real, that's how he was introduced to me) Sorry ladies, he's married. XD
I think I graduated to hair flip levels of flirtosity.
That same weekend someone confessed their love to me over Facebook. He's a part-time mall santa so I definitely am developing a type...but no, he's a cool guy just, you know, I'm married, he's older, I don't even know if I like men that way. THE USUAL. It was good practice on graciously acknowledging but not encouraging further feelings.
The more I write about it, the more I see that I'm a woman-in-training still XD because so much of this is new territory to me.
Lastly, two more stories and then I'll skedaddle. This week I submitted my name change paperwork and got a haircut. It's been a long time coming. The new cut is similar to the old but I ditched the layers and have committed to a look that reads female no matter how I style it.
(https://i.imgur.com/Pli2BS0.jpg)
My longtime friend Y said, "you're getting better at this." and well, I have to agree. I think I'm pretty much "there," which is why I've started to ask myself those bigger questions. Like, what kind of woman do I want to be? What kind of life do I want to have?
This is going to sound like humble bragging but I swear it happened and I swear it took me by COMPLETE surprise. I was walking through downtown Nyack in Orange County, NY with a couple of friends to join them for lunch on a stolen day off, when an elderly black woman flagged me down with an "excuse me, Miss!" and said to me, "I've been watching you coming down the street for a couple blocks now and I just have to tell you that you are a beautiful girl." After I thanked her she paid an almost-too-late compliment to the other woman in my party "not to say that you aren't beautiful too..." but the message was loud and clear. I, a transwoman, was singled out as the beautiful woman amongst us. Rude, but I'll take the win for all the years that I was passed over. :D
I swore earlier to COMPLETE surprise but I was also starting to get used this idea because I thanked her but didn't correct her even in a self deprecating way. I am beautiful! Aesthetically pleasing to the eye, I won't say I'm not? But, in a grander sense perhaps? Before I even walked that street I helped several people get tickets in the parking lot or stepped aside for those in a rush. Maybe that colored my aura?
I'm kind, considerate, courageous, loyal, loving, joyful, exuberant, one with my surroundings. Qualities that make a person beautiful inside to out. So much of my time (and this goes for many of us) in transition is dedicated to developing my exterior (sometimes for reasons of survival) that I often forget about the interior.
So, when I got home, I volunteered to help out at the Book Fair at my daughter's school and later, during a parent/teacher conference, let slip that I love reading to children and was immediately nominated to read to her class.
That happened yesterday and it was... EVERYTHING. My daughter told me afterwards that she was "proud of me." You may now melt. XD
There's no reason why I couldn't have done these things as a man but now that I'm comfortable with who I am inside and out, I realize that I have SO MUCH I want to share with others and this is just the beginning. I've even gotten comfortable with the word mom and if there was any worry about me amongst the other parents I didn't sense it. I hope my story can inspire you to keep going. I don't know how much more I can share here without creating the opposite of my intended effect. I don't want to rub my success in anyone's face. I worked hard for this and I feel I've earned it, but I'm also blessed with privileges I did not earn.
We each have our story and the obstacles to our happiness that need to be overcome. This is mine. I'll see you at the 1 year mark when it may be time for me to graduate from this thread and step aside so another girl can get the encouragement and love she needs to blossom as I surely have under the safety and love of your care. Thank you all again.
GO OUT THERE AND BE YOUR BEST SELVES!
Love,
Bree
Quote"excuse me, Miss!" and said to me, "I've been watching you coming down the street for a couple blocks now and I just have to tell you that you are a beautiful girl."
Well, I agree with her ;) Congratulations :)
Such positive post making my day much better :) Your success is definitely inspiring.
Thanks for sharing ^_^
OMG what a wonderful post. Thank you, gorgeous!
Kate
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Sabrina Rei on May 04, 2019, 05:49:02 AM
Anyway a picture speaks a thousand fabulous words!
Yes. Indeed it does.
You and your family look happy!
My wife and kids also say like that.
barbie~~
Quote from: Sabrina Rei on May 04, 2019, 05:49:02 AM
There's no reason why I couldn't have done these things as a man but now that I'm comfortable with who I am inside and out, I realize that I have SO MUCH I want to share with others and this is just the beginning.
^ This! ^ This! ^ This!
My therapist and I were talking about this very thing today. I'm dealing with some rough spots in my transition with my mom, and it's very challenging for me to deal with. But I kept coming back to the reason I chose to transition was because right now, I am NOT comfortable with who I am on the outside, and because of that I CANNOT share nearly as much as I want to because I CAN'T TALK ABOUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE, which is that I am transgender! And because I can't do that, I can't form deep friendships with anyone.
Anyway, thanks for the totally inspiring and heart-warming post...it really does help.
Sarah