Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Need a single place to collect my thoughts rather than posting lots of different topics.. Not expecting anyone to actualy read this btw  ;D

I wanted to go and get either some nail varnish or lipstick yesterday (Bering in mind that i have not got anything like this atm) its a sunday so shop tills dont open until 10 but shops will open up at 930 to get your stuff, got a few other things and walked towards the lady stuff.... walked past..... down again.... walked past.... whats the deal! im now laughing to myself in the shop down another isle. its pritty messed up when something stops you doing something, wasnt anyone i knew in there although people round here have a tendency to pop up at no notice but could feel other females eyes on me even though they blatantly wasn't. A guy walked past me ans smiled when i was walking the other way, was a guy to guy 'alright' kinda greeting but could imagine it like he was smiling to the real me. Anyway grabbed some cotton wool pad things and got the hell out of there.

New years eve last night and i was thinking i need to come out to my wife, perfect opportunity, bit of booze and she was't in a mood. Thought well its now or never..... i took the never option, put me on a downer at 1130 when i realised i havent got the balls to talk about it.

Now labels, sometimes i hate these others im interested to how's best to describe myself, i mean how do you tell a cis person, what words to use. Am i a trans-woman or maybe trans-femme? I cant trust my brain as it has kept this a secret from me for 35 years so need to rely on thoughts and facts now. I mean i know im on the girl side of the spectrum but where? in the middle of that or right at the end? could i be happy as trans-femme and transition in some way? or as trans-femme and not transition at all? or is it trans-woman and its all the way baby! All i know is that i dont want to me a freak in society, theres the best intention to find yourself and be true to you but at the end of the day there's this big big urge to just fit in. the only way i could rock up as a girl would either be in a wig or a propperly shaved head.... i mean shaved right off to hide male pattern baldness

Moods, do get mood swings, partly to do with meds im on partly to do with general situations at home, work and well this whole situation. The lows, well im not suicidal i can say that, i couldnt do that to myself but when the lows hit i do think sometimes i might be easier if i just have a heart attack right there or something lol. im not worried about these lows, i can recognise them when they hit and know it'll pass.

Weight, 20st 8 at worst or 288 lbs, lost 2 stone(28lb) before xmas but put around 9 back on so its back loosing wieght for 2018... that kinda rhymes!. Goal is to loose 8 stone or 112 lb, i know thats my biggest bug bear atm and would make alot of things better for me.

Hair OMG hair, its becoming a bit obsessive atm, using a combination of epilator, cream and tweezers. epilator on legs is fantastic, but chest - god dam! so so many ingrowing hairs and skin looks repulsive now, it'll heal but with me more slowly than you due to my immune system. i do feel better now most of my body hair is now gone though but find myself looking towards my eyebrows and how they look to masculine but i know i cant touch them atm or they'll be some fallout and ill be wanting to go freeze myself in vault 111

anyway its a new year, and more than ever a new me. Im not going to call these resolutions as you and i know they dont work. These are my goals in 2018, this is what i know i need to achieve for my own sanity

1) come out to wife
2) come out to others
3) loose that 111lbs, or atleast whats safe in 12 months
4) develop my business more and leave my current job
5) try experimenting with make up / clothes
6) figure out what i am
7) get into a hair routine and dont be obsessive every day
8 ) let me be me

I was trying to make it to 10 but 8 is good

Congratulations if you actually read all that or to be fair even if you skipped after awhile to the end ;D . Im not expecting any relies to my rambles, not looking for anything advise but feel free to share as im always open but just wanted to alteast form a framework to go foward

Hi, Shambles.  Happy New Year!

Don't beat yourself up over not (yet) coming out to your wife.  That's a hard one, probably the hardest to do.  It took me six months to get up the nerve to do it.  Be kind to yourself, but keep trying.  You'll get there.

I like your list.  #8 is what it is all about.  You'll get there!

I hope 2018 is as good for you as 2017 was for me.

I've been known to take a few gambles, so the rambles of Shambles feels like my scrambles through the brambles.  ;D

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi shambles, it's fun reading the new posts like this.  I've been tempted to post an all inclusive for myself,sofemme but I've had such highs and lows I'm afraid to put them all together.  It would read like a horror story.

I think it's good to not come out on new year's, you made the right call.  Everybody has a preconceived idea how a holiday should go, abd throwing in the trans curve ball can be very stressful added onto the holiday.  You'll have time for another day.

I've had lots of exoerience with hair removal and can attest that epilating did remove the hair longest before visible regrowth of the temporary types.  Yes though you've got to exfoliate often to avoid the ingrown hairs.  Even then it's going to happen.  I used to emulate my face before I got serious with hrt and electrolysis.  Now I only do the permanent methods in my face.  A plus about the rest of your hair on hrt is that it grows in much more slowly and thinner hair.  The ingrown will be fewer on hrt if you want to epilate still.

Bari Jo

Hi,

First things first, breath. I have learned that 5 minutes of meditation helps to clear my mind and help me feel better when things get close.

Can you see a gender therapist? It may help in putting things into perspective. For example, you are beating yourself up for not buying nail polish. I remember  going into a Walmart to but just one thing female. I went just when the store opened. I walked in and around the female clothing and out the store. The closer I go to the clothing them more I thought others were watching and my face got hot. I was a wreck and for not buying some cloths.

Transition is built one success at a time. I realize now no one cares. They may look at you but when I look back they turn away. I buy age appropriate clothing that looks nice. What I do with my money is my business.

At some point people addressed me a mam or miss. I am a transwoman and transsexual. I like myself and I am nice to others and respectful. Others know that and treat me the same. It took me years to lose my self hate and the feeling of shame. Why would I be ashamed to be a woman? Why would I hate myself for being a woman? I had internalized transphobia and I felt the woman are looked down upon by men.

Dealing with transphobia means dealing with how you see yourself.

Dealing with my feeling men look down on woman is from male socialization. I have learned that there is an onion thin difference between male and female (paraphrase from Jenny Borland). I need to be me and that includes being female. There are as many costs as benefits.


I am tall and I need to lose about 2 stone. I lost about 10 stones in my past about 19 years ago. You can do it. I know if I cut out sugar, breads and flour and eat a salad at every meal I lose weight. Even with no T in my body and on a high dose of E.

Good luck in the new year; remember to breath and only work on one thing at a time.

You know devlyn hugs are the best type )

Rachel, i am taking the small wins approach, dont think i could deal with this all at once. Theripist isnt in the near future, no time or money for this and if went through the nhs route thats 13 months + away anyway. Yes it would help get to answers sooner but honestly i dont want to rush to an end point... not yet. Ive identified theres a problem and working towards the answers. My biggest two things are the wife and weight. I no ill loose the weight and i will talk to her at some point.

The thing is with my wife i think she will be acepting right away, i think she wont really care. Its just the words from me a like a cat being frozen in the car headlights thats coming towards it. In a weird it might even be good for our relationship as its not good atm as man and wife.

Jo i want to epelate under arms next rarther than cream there but the thought of the pain for the 1st time when all the hair is there is horrid!

Ive also been thinking about names alot as male name is too male. Theres a couple i like as can be taken either way and cant see myself with a highly femme name right now. Looking at maybe Jamie or Joanne (but always shorten to Jo). Im leaning towards Jo right now but im not going to decide that just yet

Shambles (Jo)?,
   Hi, my name is Monica, or Moni. I think a lot of us if not all on this site understand the fear you have. You are driven to go forward yet fearful of blowing up what you have. That first step is the hardest. Maybe it might help to know that when you come out to her, it does not have to be with an answer for who or what you are. An admittance of struggling with gender issues and asking your partner to help you figure it out might be easier than a pronouncement of, "I am trans!" It would be less pressure and allows for movement for you to move in a direction one way or another. It is obviously painful for you to keep this secret. Why not share how it makes you feel. A loving spouse usually wants to help when their partner is hurting. Of course there are no guarantees, but running from it is not a good answer. You are very wise to view it a step at a time. Good luck.

You can always change your name later if the one you choose no longer fits. I chose Cynthia at first and when it came time to legally change my name I switched to Rachel ( My boss and HR had a hard time with the second switch, why I have no idea). I have two friends that uses Jo. One is a cop and out and the other a musician and out. 

I think you'll enjoy having a you thread, it is easier to post stuff that you may not otherwise and it helps to get everything, even the little stuff, off your chest!!

But also, a big hug from this direction as well! I hope this year you accomplish everything on your list and so much more! :)

I totally get it that it hard to take these steps. But you just got to push through it. First time I bought make up I was really nervous. Ended up only getting a third of what I wanted. But then the second time I was only a little nervous. Now I could care less. The point I'm getting at is that the first time is always the hardest. And then after that, you're like why was I so nervous to begin with. I was also hiding for 30 years. And now it's just like why? I don't want to force you into doing something you aren't ready for. But it the thing is, you sound ready. But you're holding back, just do it get it over with and see that it is what you needed to do. Be strong! There's nothing wrong with being scared, as long as you don't let it stop you.

Quote from: Shambles on January 01, 2018, 10:39:35 AM

Jo i want to epelate under arms next rarther than cream there but the thought of the pain for the 1st time when all the hair is there is horrid!

Ive also been thinking about names alot as male name is too male. Theres a couple i like as can be taken either way and cant see myself with a highly femme name right now. Looking at maybe Jamie or Joanne (but always shorten to Jo). Im leaning towards Jo right now but im not going to decide that just yet

Underarm hair, at least for me wasn't very painful to epilate.  However if you get and ingrown there that is very painful.  I would just shave there or use cream.

As for names, Jamie is great.  One of the prettiest actresses just changed her stage name from James to Jamie.  Yes her father gave her a boys name even though she's cis female.  Jamie King.  As for shortening to Jo, you can have it.  I'll stick with Bari, or Bar:)

Bari Jo

Hi Jo (Shambles) I'm Carly! 

In the fall of 2014 I was where you are now.  It took me six months of trying to fully come out to my wife, nine more months of cross dressing at home before I went in for therapy, and I started hormones (finally, big exhale) in June, 2016, at the age of 53.

This is a marathon, not a sprint, so feel free to take your time and stop to smell the flowers along the way.

I started out by buying stuff online, panties, nail polish, wigs, lipstick, and eventually skinny jeans and other clothing.  But nothing beats being able to see and try stuff in the store.

I don't know where you live, but everywhere I've been the SA's have been friendly and understanding.  And some have been excited to meet me.  To a lot of them, seeing one of us is like spotting a unicorn.

If you are shopping for makeup, go to Ulta, Sephora or MAC.  They are all known to be trans friendly companies.

And don't worry about your hair or your size.  Here's an article about a friend — she is a rock star of the trans movement here in Cali.  http://www.wehoville.com/2017/11/06/transgender-vet-will-speak-at-weho-veterans-day-ceremony/ (http://www.wehoville.com/2017/11/06/transgender-vet-will-speak-at-weho-veterans-day-ceremony/).

So just be yourself and rock it.

You know every time i read any messages like these i want to rely to them all but it tends to be hard when im normally on my phone

Quote from: CarlyMcx on January 01, 2018, 03:14:38 PM
To a lot of them, seeing one of us is like spotting a unicorn.

rolf that made me giggle

Quote from: CarlyMcx on January 01, 2018, 03:14:38 PM
at the age of 53.

It always amazes me you look at someone's profile pic and you think you have a rough idea of there age then they say something like this, 54 /55 now - wow! i though you was in your mid 20's

Quote from: CarlyMcx on January 01, 2018, 03:14:38 PM
And don't worry about your hair or your size.  Here's an article about a friend — she is a rock star of the trans movement here in Cali.  http://www.wehoville.com/2017/11/06/transgender-vet-will-speak-at-weho-veterans-day-ceremony/ (http://www.wehoville.com/2017/11/06/transgender-vet-will-speak-at-weho-veterans-day-ceremony/).

So just be yourself and rock it.

I'll check out that link, im not worried about my height, im 5ft 8 but my weight is my main med - long term issue, im not too bothered about it though - i know i just contradicted myself there but when i look at myself now i dont see me, well expect for the eyes. I know im in there somewhere, and like the dysphoria with my general body i dont see all that fat as me - again im in there somewhere. It's going to go!

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 01, 2018, 02:34:43 PM
  As for shortening to Jo, you can have it.  I'll stick with Bari, or Bar:)

Dont worry i'm not going to nick you name ))

Ive started to notice how my personality is changing after being out to myself, dont think its just that im out of my zombie man mode ive been in for so long.

At work i had a comment around how i dressed, apparently im a lot smarter now, the phrase was "are you having an existental crissis" of couse i shrugged it off with a smile. The perfume my boss wore today was amizing and wanted to ask her what it was but didnt incase it came accross as weird and out of charecter.

Even with suppressing really girly moments but still letting me be happy in the given situation its like the energy i give off has changed, i feel like a couple of people respond to me as female not male even though im not out to anyone. So bizare. I dont know if this is true or its all in my head but it definatly feels like a change from just my own personallity.

Even sat next to someone i would consider a good friend, shes in her teens and im in my 30s. I know nothing will ever happen betwen us but for these few hours it was like two teenage girls having a laugh as they worked. Im sure to anyone else it might have looked like flirting but was a fun few hours.

For a long time when i wasnt out to myself i always had a thoughts that someting might be seriously wrong with my mind, something like weird sexual deviance that was never acted on, some kind of freak with secrects i cant share with everyone. I realise now that isnt the case and if i live an average time im not even 1/2 way though it and theres still time to make some gender changes.

Im happy tonight, today has been good for quite a few reasons.

For the people who didnt come out to themselves until there 30s or later did you ever experaince the part above about how people "seam" to view you when only out to yourself and not the respective people?

Jo,
   I am not sure if this was the same as what you are saying, but when I came out to my best friend from high school he said that it all made sense  now. He sensed something in my personality and it fit well with my news. He was not shocked  although he wasn't expecting it. Early on I was always called sensitive. Well, it was a criticism, like I should not be that way. Multiple  people have told me that that aspect of my personality, seen now, is a better fit. A stereotype of a sensitive woman thing, I guess! I look back and know I desperately tried not to let the cat out of the bag.
Moni

Your comment about being labeled "Sensitive" struck a chord with me.  Over the years I had also had been told that.

If i had to sum up how i feel in a nutshell i would be-

A warm, sentitive  glow that radiates pure empathy.

Somtimes i feel like an alien on startrek that only has selfless thughouts, you no the ones where another race takes advantage of them and the captain need to step in

Aye Captain!  We've given Shambles all that she can take and the thughouts are depleting the dilythemin crystals.

Beam her aboard Scottie!

Quote from: Shambles on January 01, 2018, 08:14:07 AM
Need a single place to collect my thoughts rather than posting lots of different topics.. Not expecting anyone to actualy read this btw  ;D

I wanted to go and get either some nail varnish or lipstick yesterday (Bering in mind that i have not got anything like this atm) its a sunday so shop tills dont open until 10 but shops will open up at 930 to get your stuff, got a few other things and walked towards the lady stuff.... walked past..... down again.... walked past.... whats the deal! im now laughing to myself in the shop down another isle. its pritty messed up when something stops you doing something, wasnt anyone i knew in there although people round here have a tendency to pop up at no notice but could feel other females eyes on me even though they blatantly wasn't. A guy walked past me ans smiled when i was walking the other way, was a guy to guy 'alright' kinda greeting but could imagine it like he was smiling to the real me. Anyway grabbed some cotton wool pad things and got the hell out of there.

New years eve last night and i was thinking i need to come out to my wife, perfect opportunity, bit of booze and she was't in a mood. Thought well its now or never..... i took the never option, put me on a downer at 1130 when i realised i havent got the balls to talk about it.

Now labels, sometimes i hate these others im interested to how's best to describe myself, i mean how do you tell a cis person, what words to use. Am i a trans-woman or maybe trans-femme? I cant trust my brain as it has kept this a secret from me for 35 years so need to rely on thoughts and facts now. I mean i know im on the girl side of the spectrum but where? in the middle of that or right at the end? could i be happy as trans-femme and transition in some way? or as trans-femme and not transition at all? or is it trans-woman and its all the way baby! All i know is that i dont want to me a freak in society, theres the best intention to find yourself and be true to you but at the end of the day there's this big big urge to just fit in. the only way i could rock up as a girl would either be in a wig or a propperly shaved head.... i mean shaved right off to hide male pattern baldness

Moods, do get mood swings, partly to do with meds im on partly to do with general situations at home, work and well this whole situation. The lows, well im not suicidal i can say that, i couldnt do that to myself but when the lows hit i do think sometimes i might be easier if i just have a heart attack right there or something lol. im not worried about these lows, i can recognise them when they hit and know it'll pass.

Weight, 20st 8 at worst or 288 lbs, lost 2 stone(28lb) before xmas but put around 9 back on so its back loosing wieght for 2018... that kinda rhymes!. Goal is to loose 8 stone or 112 lb, i know thats my biggest bug bear atm and would make alot of things better for me.

Hair OMG hair, its becoming a bit obsessive atm, using a combination of epilator, cream and tweezers. epilator on legs is fantastic, but chest - god dam! so so many ingrowing hairs and skin looks repulsive now, it'll heal but with me more slowly than you due to my immune system. i do feel better now most of my body hair is now gone though but find myself looking towards my eyebrows and how they look to masculine but i know i cant touch them atm or they'll be some fallout and ill be wanting to go freeze myself in vault 111

anyway its a new year, and more than ever a new me. Im not going to call these resolutions as you and i know they dont work. These are my goals in 2018, this is what i know i need to achieve for my own sanity

1) come out to wife
2) come out to others
3) loose that 111lbs, or atleast whats safe in 12 months
4) develop my business more and leave my current job
5) try experimenting with make up / clothes
6) figure out what i am
7) get into a hair routine and dont be obsessive every day
8 ) let me be me

I was trying to make it to 10 but 8 is good

Congratulations if you actually read all that or to be fair even if you skipped after awhile to the end ;D . Im not expecting any relies to my rambles, not looking for anything advise but feel free to share as im always open but just wanted to alteast form a framework to go foward

Dont give up and keep pushing forward, and please come out to everyone about you being a woman.

Quote from: Shambles on January 03, 2018, 04:09:37 PM
For the people who didnt come out to themselves until there 30s or later did you ever experaince the part above about how people "seam" to view you when only out to yourself and not the respective people?

If I understand this question.  I've had many coworkers seem to notice me only once I was at peace with myself and am transitioning.  I've also had the experience where I sat with the cute girls at work and felt comfortable.  On the other hand there is one guy at work that has reacted negatively to me.  I'm not out at work, and I only notice this stuff now.  Maybe he has always been reacting this way to me, but he definitely tries to not be around me.

Yes, you comment of thinking there was something wrong with you, I had that for decades.  It's a lot of weight lifted accepting yourself

Bari Jo

I sort of ment how people interact with you during the time that you reconise your trans but before coming out. Do some people instintively start to interact as if your female or not. As i think im acting alittle different it may be the case but its just as reasonable to say its just in my head because my outlook has changed.

I dont think any of the males have picked up on this but 1 or 2 of the girls might have even just subconsiously.

I know, well i think i wasnt very feminine in personality before, it was hidden away even from me. It may have been the case also that  these girls did this before but i never picked up on it.

While ill never know for curtain the question was just around other experiancet with people who had thier relelation part way though a job or freindship but the comments so far are still valid )

Quote from: Shambles on January 04, 2018, 12:26:09 AM
If i had to sum up how i feel in a nutshell i would be-

A warm, sentitive  glow that radiates pure empathy.

Somtimes i feel like an alien on startrek that only has selfless thughouts, you no the ones where another race takes advantage of them and the captain need to step in

Nothing like a good Star Trek reference! If you remember the aliens who were half black and half white, that was how I felt most of my life, only instead of color it was half man and half woman. Luckily for  me I finally realized that the half man part of me was really only a shadow of a whole woman. It is amazing to finally be a whole person. I recommend it highly.
Moni

In the first few months of HRT, while presenting as male and not out beyond my immediate family, I noticed a definite change in response of both men and women in social settings.

I had always tended to hang out more with the women than men.  This continued, and I seem to have been more actively brought into the 'women's circle' and included in discussions.  The behavior of men around me was especially interesting, though.  They started to 'chat me up' more, and became more solicitous in conversation and activities.  (How often do guys fetch things unasked for other guys, get them drinks, hold open doors, offer to carry things?)

I would get in conversations with men I had known for many years, and would notice them leaning in close, then getting a funny expression and backing up to a more normal separation, guy-guy interpersonal distance.   :D

I always suspected the pheromone clues I gave off had shifted, and triggered behavior sets in the people around me.

On  the flip side of this, before I came out at work, I grew my hair longer and longer. I had people saying I was trying to be a hippy. Some wanted me to cut my hair, like it irritated them, and one gal who said I was becoming a hot guy. (Can you say smoke up one's skirt? lol) I conclude that this must be a highly personal thing. Each person gives off their own vibes.
Moni

Hmmm vibes and pheromones... Mine must be giving off "keep your distance" Oooops wait that's what I try to do when other seem to be attracted. Some just won't listen though. Maybe I need to try something else.... I see the farm store has a sale on barbed wire.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on January 04, 2018, 11:21:04 AM
Hmmm vibes and pheromones... Mine must be giving off "keep your distance" Oooops wait that's what I try to do when other seem to be attracted. Some just won't listen though. Maybe I need to try something else.... I see the farm store has a sale on barbed wire.

Hugs,
  Laurie

You can get flashlights with built-in tasers  :)

Quote from: Michelle_P on January 04, 2018, 10:10:30 AM
In the first few months of HRT, while presenting as male and not out beyond my immediate family, I noticed a definite change in response of both men and women in social settings.

I had always tended to hang out more with the women than men.  This continued, and I seem to have been more actively brought into the 'women's circle' and included in discussions.  The behavior of men around me was especially interesting, though.  They started to 'chat me up' more, and became more solicitous in conversation and activities.  (How often do guys fetch things unasked for other guys, get them drinks, hold open doors, offer to carry things?)

I would get in conversations with men I had known for many years, and would notice them leaning in close, then getting a funny expression and backing up to a more normal separation, guy-guy interpersonal distance.   :D

I always suspected the pheromone clues I gave off had shifted, and triggered behavior sets in the people around me.

Yes this is what i was interested in, reactions at a subconsous level though i can see yours are more drematic with hrt than my example without.

In other news ive made a desision on my name, hearing me called Jo on here helped.

My name is Jo / Joanne and im a alcaho... ops wrong group. Im a trans-woman.

Quote from: Shambles on January 05, 2018, 09:23:38 AM
Yes this is what i was interested in, reactions at a subconsous level though i can see yours are more drematic with hrt than my example without.

In other news ive made a desision on my name, hearing me called Jo on here helped.

My name is Jo / Joanne and im a alcaho... ops wrong group. Im a trans-woman.

HI JO! ;D

Hi, Jo!  :)

I'm an older person, and generally am found with the 55-and-older crowd, so their reactions to any scent cues may be less guarded than those that younger folks might have.  That might explain some of the differences in what we have experienced.

      Hi Jo its great you seem to be coming to terms with yourself I understand your worries about being seen buying makeup etc what I did when I was just starting out was carry a paper with me and keep looking at it as if it was a list from my wife I never got a second look and it really helped with the nerves

     bobbisue :)

Cellphones are more convincing now  :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Quote from: Cali on January 05, 2018, 05:53:06 PM
Cellphones are more convincing now  :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Thats what i was doing )) the other approach i thought of was a gift set as that way it looks like its for someone else.

To be honest theres so many things poping in to my head now that i want to change or try now ive thought about it more eg wig, make up,eyebrows shaped, female glasses, clothes etc even a tattoo and was.always against them ! I dont think alitle.make up will cut it. I know what i need to do next.... i need to talk to my wife about all this and go from there. Also set a goal for weight loss. Want to end up at 11 stone (154 lbs) its in the healthy weight for men and average for women, itll mean a total loss of 9st 8 or 134 lb which is alot but after loosing 30 of those already i do feel much better.

Im supprised how quick i can see things changing, i thought i would be ok just plodding along, its doesnt feel like overwelming gd right now its more like exitement and whats to come or what could be.

Ive cought myself trying to over copensate in man mode though with my voice, i have been trying to get it sound more feminie, acording to an app its in the right place when singing but no where near while talking. But what ever i try when speaking to others my voice always goes to a nateral low. Even when i say to myself right lets just try somethig new here. Its funy in a way, i can reconise its me stopping myself. Itll be fun when it actually happens.

I had a vivid dream last night, i dont remember many dreams but this one felt so real. I was a woman, i was a work, i was skinny, average boobs and blond. Kinda looked eastern european for some reason. It wasnt sexual in any way but it all just felt right like that was the reallity and this is the dream. I woke up happy.

I wrote war and piece last night when i was very low but decided to delete it, i was afraid and very down and was a couple of things in there that i didnt want anyone to get offended by.

But anyway i figure if i cant speak the words to my wife as im a coward, i cant text it - thats silly and its way to long and i still want to be there when she finds out ive wrote a letter to her which i plan to hand to her and let her read it while im there.

Plan to do this tonight as it's all getting to much to carry on my own

so this is the letter, just took out my name for here. Plan to hand over when kids are in bed tonight so i've got 12 hours to go to make sure i dont talk myself out of doing this.

im not looking for advise to change any of this, but if i post it on here its more real and im more likely to go through with this. Read it through a few times and it sums up me very well i feel, i know theres a couple of a jokes around sexuality in there but i know my wife, it wont come across badly
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(as you start to read this you may think that ive cheated on you or im breaking up – its not that at all – I love you but I can see how the first bit reads !).... And I know it goes on but please read it all. This is not a joke.

I need to tell you something, it's something that I've been trying to find the words for in person for a number of weeks but I can't seam to say it to you. I don't want to chicken out completely and never tell you, I want and need you to know. Please understand how hard this is to open up to anyone about and I need this to stay between us until I say otherwise.

I always knew I was different growing up but I couldn't put my finger on it, I don't know if I realised anything back then and subconsciously buried it or I just didn't catch on but in Mid November I finally realised what my brain had been keeping from me – I know that sounds a bit odd but having my brain and me separate for this is easier to describe. I wont go into too much details but things clicked into place, things from the past made sense, thoughts / feelings made sense.
I think I had been depressed for many years upto this point, basically existing as a zombie though life but all of a sudden the fog lifted. I felt overwhelming happiness that i now know the final piece of the puzzle that makes up me. I once said, well I think I said it a few times to you when we was dating "im not like other blokes" and you even replied "I know". I didn't know what that even meant then but I do now.
On that day in November I realised that I was not male but female inside, how silly is that! I feel like a girl, I am Transgender.  I have wondered if this is a phase or if it will go away but it's the opposite, I cant shake these thoughts and feelings. While I'm not depressed now I am getting highs and lows with this, when that transition street advert came on the tv on sat night it caught me off guard and that became a big low – that's why I went upstairs for a bit.
This is the reason why I started to get rid of body hair, get them sports bras and compress chest at work. It may seam odd but I'm just trying to feel normal. I better say right now that I don't want to leave you and get with a guy, just incase you was thinking that! But on the funny side I guess this makes you lesbian again lol.
When I look at myself I don't see me, I see a fat, bald 35 year old man and none of that is me. The only place I see myself is in my eyes, I know im there somewhere but outwards appearance is all wrong. It's like there's been a disconnect between me and my body for ages, I think that's why ive let myself put on so much weight but I now see this as just a shell that needs to be peeled off.
I feel like my personality has changed or atleast expanded, I'm happier knowing this info, I'm listening to different music, I'm losing weight, I'm doing things that I want to do – ie vape. I don't know what's going to happen in the future but I do know I need to let you know about all of this and I need help.
The old me hasn't completely gone but its like that's now just 10% of me and the rest is new. You know me better than anyone, maybe even better than myself – I want to know if this is a complete shock or something that you could see in me already? I feel you have been reacting different to me recently and I'm guessing it's to do with how I've been acting, even if you didn't realise it you've been nicer to me over the last few weeks.
Looking forward, I don't know where this info will lead but I do know is that I can't carry on like now but it might be as simple as you knowing the truth. I'm going to lose weight, body hair isn't coming back. Ive got an appointment at docs for Friday morning to ask to be referred but the weight times are over a year. I figure I'll know what I'm going to do by then and I can always cancel.
The medical term is gender dysphoria, now I realise that's what this is I can feel I'm reaching breaking point and need your help and support. If I know you like I think I do I think you'll take this well but I don't blame you if don't.
I don't want to be a freak, I want to be normal and fit in but apparently Im a freak, I don't know if this will just stay with us / at home or if this will become something more open. I'm overweight, ive got no hair, I'm in the wrong clothes, my voice is too low, my glasses are masculine, my face screams man, my name isn't in any way female. All this is wrong, I have an urge to get piercings and maybe even a tattoo at some point.

I'm open to suggestions and help just remember I love you.

Questions
Are you ok with this?
Is there anything that's a red line?
You said last night with that advert that anything like this fascinates you – why?
Did you see this coming? If so for how long or if not – shocked

That's a good letter.  Good luck tonight!

<3 GOOD LUCK SWEETIE!! I hope everything goes well!

       Beautiful letter my only advice is bring tissues I needed them I wish you the best

     bobbisue :)

Much better than my blurted out " I have bought myself some clothes and I want a sex change" . See you must be in the UK as you said NHS so hello from the middle bit. Boots for make up and no one will bat an eye, ask for help.

Thanks all. About 3 hours to go. Seams in a good mood so hope kids dont play up.

Davina61 *also waves back from the middle bit of the uk  :o im going to pm you

Hi Joanne,

  I think your letter is well done and cannot stress more that your wife will probably need some time for it to sink in. She may need to be left alone to think about things for a bit. Please give her the time she needs. She is your partner in life and as such she needs your love and support as much as you need hers. Good luck, Joanne.

  Btw I love your name. I gave it to my daughter almost 46 years ago but spelled, JoAnn, She is the second love of my life. My ex being the first and I suppose I still love her too.

Good luck, I am sending good thoughts your way.

Well that couldnt have gone any worse.... read half if it then threw it back to me as couldnt read it any more then started crying. Giving her space now. Im regreting this now...

Quote from: Shambles on January 07, 2018, 03:08:43 PM
Well that couldnt have gone any worse.... read half if it then threw it back to me as couldnt read it any more then started crying. Giving her space now. Im regreting this now...

Giving her space is good.  I knew a few guys who's wives left them for other women.  One thing I noticed was that the guys experienced a little bit of guilt because they felt they had failed their wives and also brought into question their ability to make their wives happy.  Perhaps, she's just internallizing this and once she's gathered her thoughts she'll be more positive to you. Afterall, how did you handle this at the moment you began to realize something was different.  Just some thoughts.

Ohhhh I'm sorry Joanne, Giving her time is a good thing to do right now. Let her absorb what she has read and she should at least be able to Talk to you about it. It is going to take patience on your part to let her come to you.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Im just lying in bed now with the quilt right over me. And trying to keep the kids away from her.
:'(  :'( :'(

I had it in my head that she would just say.... i alteady know. But she didnt have a clue

Quote from: Shambles on January 07, 2018, 03:37:47 PM
I had it in my head that she would just say.... i alteady know. But she didnt have a clue

Hang in there.  Sometimes we're better actors than we think.

update-

we went from "im still me" reply - "no your not" and i dont think we can be together to i want another baby in the space of 2 hours. She thought i had been cheating on her as my mood had changed recently and said that would probity have been easier if that was true rather than this. Think things are patched up but i did have to make concessions

no wig, no dressing up, no hrt, no srs, you get the jist - basically its ok for others to do this but not her husband. i just agreed to all and we made a joke out of it. Although she was better than imidelatly after the fact i hoped she'll need more time still.

The info is out there now with her, im going to give her more time for things to sink in. She knows ive got a doc appointment at the end of the week and did say its not my fault.

Time will tell i suppose

Jo
x

Yes Joanne, time will tell. She does need more time for this to sink in. In the meantime let her know how much she means to you and show her that you love her. Give her time and don't push it. If the subject comes up again talk to her honestly. Buy her some flowers or take her out to eat. Show her she is important to you. Good luck girl.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on January 07, 2018, 11:18:48 AM
Hi Joanne,

  I think your letter is well done and cannot stress more that your wife will probably need some time for it to sink in. She may need to be left alone to think about things for a bit. Please give her the time she needs. She is your partner in life and as such she needs your love and support as much as you need hers. Good luck, Joanne.

  Btw I love your name. I gave it to my daughter almost 46 years ago but spelled, JoAnn, She is the second love of my life. My ex being the first and I suppose I still love her too.

Lauire you can adopt me as your daughter any day x

Quote from: Shambles on January 08, 2018, 11:22:44 AM
Laurie you can adopt me as your daughter any day x

   That's sweet of you to say Joanne. Thanks, but I've already lost all the family I can handle.

Feels like im in the eye of a storm the last few days, guessing down to talking to wife about being trans. Im as carm as calm can be but i know im going to get swollen up again soon. I actually feel normal like close to before i realised myself.

Ive come to think having GD is like holding a ticking bomb, its fine until it goes off without warning then its not good.

Wife has acepted this new info now, and she wants me to get a tatoo now as i mentioned it in the letter, I guess thats the part thats not related to gd though and just supressed personalliy. I hope once ive got a refferal and on the 18 month waiting list she might acept some other things too but we'll see...

ive not had any hair for some years and just want to swush some around. Swooshh to the left, oh look theres a fringe and hair going past my eyes, swusssh to the right, hello again hair ive missed you

Quote from: Shambles on January 09, 2018, 10:00:52 AM
Feels like im in the eye of a storm the last few days, guessing down to talking to wife about being trans. Im as carm as calm can be but i know im going to get swollen up again soon. I actually feel normal like close to before i realised myself.

Ive come to think having GD is like holding a ticking bomb, its fine until it goes off without warning then its not good.

Wife has acepted this new info now, and she wants me to get a tatoo now as i mentioned it in the letter, I guess thats the part thats not related to gd though and just supressed personalliy. I hope once ive got a refferal and on the 18 month waiting list she might acept some other things too but we'll see...

ive not had any hair for some years and just want to swush some around. Swooshh to the left, oh look theres a fringe and hair going past my eyes, swusssh to the right, hello again hair ive missed you

I'm glad things have calmed down!

Same for me with the hair. When I wear wig it feels so great to be able to see the hair moving for a change. It's a little distracting at first, but then just comforting. I knew I was going to go bald with genetics when I was in my 20s so was shaving my head (buzzer, not like shiny bald shaved) for a decade before now.

low dose hrt without the hrt? i think i may know what put me over the edge in november and outed me but ive got a gp appointment on friday and my specialist on monday so i might get some answers about this. Lost a bit of weight and on prednisolone for 20 years, i think pred can cause hormones to go a bit wacky, i know they have given me boobs over the years so i know they are effecting my hormones somewhat.

1) In november i had alredy lost a bit of weight and from what i read burning fat can increase estrogen levels even in men, not sure if it converts it or releases it or what but it can increase

2) prednisolone effects, i have been altering the dose over the last 6 months trying to decrease it safely

3) underlying thoughts / feelings

The combination of the three might have been to much to handle and it broke me. I know though this isn't just an inbalance issue as i can point to events before i started taking them that still make me female and wouldn't want to give up these feelings for anyone but it might turn out that ive had my estrogen boosted since i was 15. I'm going to ask for some blood tests as well as the referral i just hope the gp will still refer me if i ask for the bloods, might just get the referral from the gp then ask for the bloods from my specialist on monday.. that might be a safer option

Would be cool if this is the case, as it might mean my face is more passable than i think under all the face fat lol. I know that the 5 o'clock shadow for me comes the following day and can go a couple of days without shaving when others need to do this everyday so it wouldn't surprise me


Been thinking about stuff from the past as denial me and sexuality. Was bi curious but never really acted on it, seamed not right man to man but thoughts still there... that should have been a sign.

Always thought i might have been a bit of a perv and that was wrong with me, attracted to girls outside my age range but if i see someone now its not lust that i see now or in the past.. its jelousy of them in that body

Its unreal how much you can lie and kid yourself, the ability to forget and not catch on just so you can be a normal dull fish in a big school. Id much soon be a bright colourfull fish in a much smaller school now

Hi Again Joanne,

   Like Ellie I am glad things have calmed down a bit with your wife and hope she continues to process things with reason. I'm sure you are letting her know how important she is to you and how much you love her. You need that base of love, trust and honesty in your relationship with her. She needs to understand that she is an active partner in this and that you need her to be.
   Those feelings and thought you stated in your last post sound pretty familiar. Have you been into my head again? I hope not sometimes things get pretty rough in there. What I meant is that those thoughts and feeling are normal and there was nothing wrong in having them. As for the other things I can't help you with those at all. Don't get caught up in overthinking things lest you have what a friend calls "Thinking Errors" They will lead one astray.

  Keep going as you are because it is progress and good luck on the home front.

Hugs,
   Laurie

So doctors appointment tomorrow morning to ask for a referal, was having thoughts around am i actualy female? All that kinda stuff. Wasnt sure if it was male me holding me back trying to get me to cancel or eas the truth. Then wife brings back a big case full of around 40 to 50 different nail polishes of every imaingable colour. Hell therers even a neon green in there for the daughter and and all i could think is when can i try some of these out. Guess thats the question answered. Its a shame theres no remover in there.

Off to the docs i go! Think im going to open up with the line are you ready for your weirdest conversation of the day.....

Does the idea of transitioning put alot of people off? I mean if i could flip a switch and its all done and im at the end of the line socialy i would do it but the thought of weird convetsations and looks and being in an inbetween stage for a number of years pulls me back the other way. Its messed up having a 18month plus wait to see someone about gd as it means you might aswell get on the list while your getting answers yourself.... and that just pushes the wait times up even more for other people...

You'd be surprised what a lot of doctors hear, I keep thinking I'm going to be the day's highlight but apparently I've never even been close.

And the thought of the awkward phase, definitely not great. But you know what? It gets easier. It gets so much easier. Every time I talk to someone about it, bring it up with health care providers or whatever... it becomes routine. A few months ago I was planning ahead about how not to leave the house for 2 years. Now I'm planning how far and fast I can push it while still being so visibly male.

You know what also happend today when she brought all the nail polish in. "Your mom told me you wore nail polish when younger when you was going through a goth or emo stage" now none of this makes sence! Ever my mom or wife is making this info up or i cant remember this at all. I was never a goth or emo and never put anything on my nails before. I know my brain has lied for years but even if repressed i should remember a stage in my life like this but it feels competly made up.

Quote from: Shambles on January 11, 2018, 02:29:37 PMthe thought of weird convetsations and looks and being in an inbetween stage for a number of years pulls me back the other way.

The in-between stage doesn't have to last long.  I identify my "stages" like this:
1. Denial.  Wanted to transition but couldn't admit to myself that I was trans.
2. Closeted.  I knew I was trans, but I had told no one.
3. Preparation.  I was out to a few people and dressing in controlled situations.
4. In-between.  On HRT, but presenting male most of the time.  Still out only to a few selected people.
5. RLE.  Fully out; everyone knows.  Presenting female full-time.  << I am here now.
6. Finished. Post-GRS, in my future.

The awkward in-between stage, stage 4, only lasted three months for me.

 Hi Joanne,

  These first meetings are awkward for us but they are not new for these professionals. I was nervous about telling my GP, then telling a psychiatrist or psychologist for my mental assessment, and again when I started therapy. I was open and honest with all three. I had to be because it is necessary for them to have the true story in order for them to be helpful to us. Take a deep breath or two and talk to them. That is all it really is .. talking, talking about what you feel, what you think, and what you want. They all want to know how they can help you. That is all. It will go well and you will feel better once you do talk with them.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Thanks both guess im at 2.5 on that scale. Yeah so rock and harder rock situation. Gp in an hour but last night wofe broke down. Think it hit her that i was actully going to speak to a doc about this. Think she tjought i would cancel. She said again that is isnt going to happen. I can tell shes greaving. Its a phase. Cant do anything to feminize. Looks like in going to curl up in my shell for a bit until either me or wife breaks then marrage over then do something about it.  Mood not good atm thats safe to say

I wish I could say with anything resembling certainty that she'll come around and everything will be wonderful, but unfortunately no one can. But by the same token, no one can say that things won't get better. Just make sure to include her. Things like going to therapy with her a part of it, maybe she will be able to see exactly how much it all matters to you and is part of something so core to who you are as a person.

What I'm trying to say is... don't give up hope. Not for yourself, not for your marriage, not for transitioning, and not even transitioning while maintaining your marriage. Tomorrow things may be the same, they may be worse, but they could also be better, perhaps even a lot better.

And maybe it's naive of me, but I believe those who truly love us will ultimately seek to do what is right by us, just as I hope we would seek to do what is right by them. What form that may take, who knows... But, yeah... just, don't give up.

Gosh elle nice picture, i didnt resonsie you then! I though who is this beutiful girl saying these kind things

Quote from: Shambles on January 12, 2018, 01:23:33 AM
Gosh elle nice picture, i didnt resonsie you then! I though who is this beutiful girl saying these kind things

:icon_redface: <3

Hi Joanne,

  I am just now getting to this. Yesterday I had an appointment for electrolysis. I started the day with 3 pages of new posts to read and still had to get ready for my appointment. Just before I was ready to leave some old fogy started this silly post about old things that youngins like Julia might be interested in. Well that thread went viral while I was at my appointment adding pages to my reading. I think I st had five pager or recent posts to read when I went to bed. Today started with four and there is five now and I've been reading and doing mod stuff all day.
  Oh Yeah, sorry this is your thread, sorry. I hope your appointment was kept and went well. Ellie is right in suggesting that your wife could benefit by going with you to a session. We have seen this approach help the wife understand things better. Be sure to talk about it with the therapist first though. I am sorry she is having a difficult time with it right now and I know your are too. Hopefully it will get better. You know we are here for you and if you think I can help in some way you are welcome to PM me.
  For now I send you virtual hugs (((Hugs)))

Hugs,
   Laurie

Its ok i honestly dont mind if this is just a wall of my comments, i just need somewhere to put my thoughts... i have been thinking of a diary but that jusy seams too pre- teenage girl for me.

So docs. I talked to him and he was fantastic, didnt judge and seamed very understanding. Also mentioned where my wife is at and he understood. Left it as im not asking for a refferal today but please remember this conversation if / when i do come back about this. Said need to give wife more time one way or another. The chat wasnt strange or horrid at all. I prob came accross abit timmid about the subject but came out thinking ive done the right thing both by talking to him and also not pushing for a refferal at this stage.

In other news the desire to get a wig has passesd somewhat, got a flat out no with that one from wife so im stuck looking at websites for now. The desire has shifted onto ears and getting them peirced. Would love to have l
3 on left and 1 on right. Both lobes then extra 1 on left lobe and 1 at the top on left. Dont no if wife would allow or even if im just too old to pull it off, gender aside. But thats where my thoughts have shifted too now.

I find myself asking does Jo have... her ears periced... does jo..have this or that
... does jo like....
Its strange when youve been living upto the part of dave(my names not dave but just an example) for so long you end up just acting how people expect dave to act and say what dave is expected to say in any given situation. Now ive goto ask myself who am i.

Always felt like i had two different personalities one and home and one at work. Home was boring and dull, basically a shell and at work was more fun, caring, nutured others with training and jusy more outgoing. I think im closer to my work attittude and been letting my female me out there abit over the years and i didnt even no it.

Quote from: Shambles on January 13, 2018, 06:33:26 AM

I find myself asking does Jo have... her ears periced... does jo..have this or that

Nice update.  You are futher along than me then!  I've yet to talk with my regular doctor about Bari Jo.  Speaking of I ask the questions above like you do all the time.  I think I'm realizing I'm a Coach and Talbot's girl at heart from asking these questions.   I didn't expect that, thought for sure overalls and work boots gal.

Bari Jo

Im not even going near clohes yet, i want to loose weight. Lost about 30 lbs but have a long way to go yet, i have trouble picturing the shape and what ill fit into as ive had all this baggage a long time.

Jo seams to be a pritty opposite personality of dave, i have moments that i just want to tell everyone whats going on, dave wouldnt say anything that is personal to anyone. Just had pictures of a wig, glasses and peirceing up on my pc all at the same time it deffinatly starts to paint a picture of me. I think om heading down a happy goth route if theres even a thing lol

Pritty sure marrage is over by this point. Feel sick right now.

Had a low day, apparently im being moody and it all went downhill from there

I don't have the experience to know the words to give you justice right now, I truly wish I did, but as such I will leave that to those who have been where you are in their marriages. For my part, all I can do is say that you are in my thoughts, and I truly hope that in some way or another things are better tomorrow.

Its not over for tonight atleast

 Hi Joanne,

  I read one post and you sound like you are kind of daydreaming and sound hopeful. Then I go to the next and the world is over. and still then last says, no not quite yet. You are one an emotional roller coaster today. Up, down and then up just a little. I know what that is like. There is no stability and you feel as if you will fall at any moment. Emotions are all over the place. You no longer know whether you are coming or going or which way to turn. Remember this isn't any easier for your wife. She is feeling betrayed, deceived, hurt, angry because her whole world has been turned upside down too. She is struggling just as much as you are.
   I am not a therapist nor a marriage counselor. But what I still feel is that you continue to let her know how important she is to you. Tell her you love her and don't want to lose her. Let her know that you understand that she is upset and would like to help her understand what it is to be different and that you want to understand how she is feeling, what she is going through. In other words communicate with her if she will talk about it.
  I cannot come up with anything better than that and with my own track record you would probable be better listening to someone else. I couldn't save my own marriage or my relationship with my daughter.
  I will wish you luck and hope that things work out for you and her.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Is it normal to think or hope that i might be making trans status up? Sounds like would fit in with denial for an easyer life??

Quote from: Shambles on January 14, 2018, 11:27:19 AM
Is it normal to think or hope that i might be making trans status up? Sounds like would fit in with denial for an easyer life??

Yes, it's called denial, and it is very, very common.  The thing is, though, that it doen't make life any easier.  The dysphoria won't go away.  The only option if you deny it is to live with the dysphoria until it gets too bad to bear any more.

Hi Joanne,

I am sorry you are having difficulties with your SO. I know what it is like to be in a box with no way out. I hope you find the answers you need. I am sending good thoughts your way.

Thanks both. I thought i could smell some denial, it stinks.

Had a dream last night of Holly Willoby off uk tv with touching my face trying to guess my name, funny thing is she wasnt wearing the blindfold, i was.  Guessing its a identity thing.

Re done my body fat % yesterday, im down 7.4% whoop!

Quote from: Shambles on January 16, 2018, 05:04:25 AM

Re done my body fat % yesterday, im down 7.4% whoop!

That's great, what a huge percentage.  Are you near your goal now?

Bari Jo

Quote from: Shambles on January 14, 2018, 11:27:19 AM
Is it normal to think or hope that i might be making trans status up? Sounds like would fit in with denial for an easyer life??

Hi Joanne,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings.  I am going through a very similar stage and the denial is really kicking in with me and I had exactly the same thoughts as you posted so you are not alone and I'm sure there are others.  I have to have 'that' conversation with my wife tonight and tell her everything.  I don't know if our marriages can survive this but it seems that if we bottle everything up and try to supress it, it will come back even stronger next time until the demons are faced head on. 
I thought just today that life would be so much easier as 'dave' (not my male name either) then I got really angry for about half an hour trying to be 'dave'.  It's such an emotional rollercoaster that it makes your head spin.

Vicky xx

Quote from: VickyS on January 16, 2018, 08:05:37 AMI have to have 'that' conversation with my wife tonight and tell her everything.

Best wishes for tonight, Vicky.


- Stephanie

Hi Joanne 🙋‍♀️ After 6 months of HT I still am on a roller coaster and still experience denial for fleeting moments.  I just keep putting one foot forward and continue, knowing that my goal is for a fulfilled self.
Laurie is correct that showing your wife she is important to you can help in saving your relationship.  It doesn't work every time, but it did for me.

Good luck and hugs, Jessica 💁‍♀️

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 16, 2018, 07:35:08 AM
That's great, what a huge percentage.  Are you near your goal now?

Bari Jo

Im about 20- 25% of the way there. I might be a bit too ambitous with the goal but want to loose a total of 8 to 10 stone

Quote from: VickyS on January 16, 2018, 08:05:37 AM
Hi Joanne,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings.  I am going through a very similar stage and the denial is really kicking in with me and I had exactly the same thoughts as you posted so you are not alone and I'm sure there are others.  I have to have 'that' conversation with my wife tonight and tell her everything.  I don't know if our marriages can survive this but it seems that if we bottle everything up and try to supress it, it will come back even stronger next time until the demons are faced head on. 
I thought just today that life would be so much easier as 'dave' (not my male name either) then I got really angry for about half an hour trying to be 'dave'.  It's such an emotional rollercoaster that it makes your head spin.

Vicky xx

Good luck my friend, i dont know how this wil go but for me i knew if we have any chance of staying together i need to be honest and tell her, no matter how hard that is. It might not be a good day for you but keep your chin up, know your doing the right thing and be understanding. Itll be all new to her.

All the best xx

Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 16, 2018, 08:39:56 AM
Best wishes for tonight, Vicky.

Thank you Stephanie. xx

Quote from: Shambles on January 16, 2018, 09:07:21 AM
Good luck my friend, i dont know how this wil go but for me i knew if we have any chance of staying together i need to be honest and tell her, no matter how hard that is. It might not be a good day for you but keep your chin up, know your doing the right thing and be understanding. Itll be all new to her.
All the best xx

Hi again Joanne,
You are absolutely right.  Honesty is the best policy.  When I read your posts my heart sank when you said it did not go well and you were hiding under the duvet!  That and when your wife flat refused some of your efforts to become more feminine.  You will get there because I think you are determined when you put your mind to it as can be seen with your amazing weight loss!  I'm very impressed.   ;D ;D
Vicky xx

Its ramble time!

Its not nice how all i can think about now is things to do with transitioning, i over think everything anyway but this is on another level, for instance you should never think - if you could donate one or both of your balls to someone who couldnt have kids, when they do have kids whos the dad? Me or him??.

I keep wearing a jacket with a hood so i can cover my head, touch it as if it was hair. No one has caught on yet.
Sneaking some of wifes bodt spray but she cant tell as it smells the same as her

Ive definatly got more vocal around singing when on my own.

Thinking about the differences of transitioning with a so around or on own. If with an So then might not allow self to develop fully? Might still hold some of dave in place.


Starting to feel a bit trapped in the situation.. but hay ho!

Hopefully can loose another 14 pounds before the weather getts better, might try getting into running after work but its too cold for that atm

Looking through the threads where people post there before and after pics and the one with the swimsuits is very inspiring, it deffinatly turns some internal negitives into positives.

Peace x x

The girls in the swimsuit one have me beyond jealous. ;D

I know ellie right ! :D

So ive got a plan, in my head its well thought out and allows wife to have more time while having the effect of not being so trapped for me. Would like another opinion though as this could be important. Bit of background wife dont want me chaning any more than already have at this point ie shaving, prrsonallity and a couple of other things. Shes scared that shes going to walk in on me in womans clothes or ill go get a wig etc.

What if i purpose that i wont do anything for 2 months? I wont bring anything up unless its brought up by hemarrage. Its the same time ive had since i came out to myself.

I figure it will give her time to come to terms, show its not just a phase. Or on the other hand its 2 months to say goodbye and leave on good terms.

Basically if i still feel the same and she wants to be with me fantastic but otherwise split on good terms. I want to save / keep the marrage but i cant be left hanging for years. Itll allow me to see a way foward and give her time. I can wait a few months but dont want to leave it any longer than that.

Last thing i want to do is give an altermatum but its a rubbish situation for all and might bring some clarity to both of us.

Is this a good idea????

I wish I had good answers or experience with marriage, but if nothing else I will say without hesitation giving her some time is definitely a good move. Though it id occur to me that not bringing it up at all may also not force her to confront it. Doesn't do any good unfortunately if she spends the two months not actually dealing with the issue, and I think we all know long denial can lead us on. You know your wife better than anyone though, so I think mostly just trusting your judgment is the important thing.

Plans off. Been asking some leading questions the last few days testing the water but its clear now that soon we'll have to have a talk and ill have to choose. Marrage and kids or trans. I know ill always have access to kids but wont see them every day. Its not a desision i want to make but its not a choice at all. Its just a loney time while i find myself. I either need support or space and she wont support this at all.

I know we dont choose to be like this, its who we are. Its a do or die thing but i keep trying to say i choose to do this, i choose to do that as it feels like im more in control than i really am i suppose. If i say to myself i need to do this, you must do that then theres no control there even though its the same thing with the same outcome. Alteast this way theres an illusion of control.

I think i need to choose to end the marrage and i think that choice is sooner than i might realise.


Ive been holding back since opening up to her and at this level she can tollerate it, the thing is i cant. In her words i married the shy intelligent dave. But she cant be with me if im not, well just not. Dave is just a front to my soul, thats not who i am.

Would i take the blue pill right now, i dont know but its temping. However tempting that is ive got the red pill in one hand and a glass of water in the other.

Relationships are very hard.  I think it might be good to go to therapy together.  At least she will get a better idea about being trans isn't something we choose.  I wish the best for you.

Bari Jo

Quote from: Bari Jo on January 20, 2018, 07:49:01 AM
Relationships are very hard.  I think it might be good to go to therapy together.  At least she will get a better idea about being trans isn't something we choose.  I wish the best for you.

Bari Jo

Thanks bari, therapy wouldnt work. Its more fundermental for her, its just a its not going to happen viewpoint

My wife is a bit more accepting, but that's because I gave her no choice. At some point HRT won't be enough and I'll get an orchie so I don't need to be on Spiro. At that point I suspect the marriage will be over. As much as I want to keep it going, I can't be happy living as a man or gender neutral and my wife has made it clear She won't stay married to a Women. I suppose we have 1-2 years more before the changes are too much for her.

Its sad that it comes down to choices like this, but I think at the end of the day we have to choose the path that in the long run has the better outcome. Hopefully your wife will come around given more time.

Been awhile but asked my gp for the refferal today to gic, got a man on one shoulder saying what the hell are you doing, my wife on the other waving goodbye and me in the middle feeling calm and knowing its the right thing to do.

Been wearing clear nail varnish on my fingernails for a week now and no one has either noticed or commented on it, im quite surprised no one has yet, even got an excuse ready when they do!

did something stupid on sun night, used my ipl on the lowest setting on my face.... started to realize after 30mins why it was a bad idea but have managed to hide this info from everyone inc the wife. Face looked sunburnt around cheaks and swollen. Its mostly passed now but not shaved since to try and avoid irritation. The pain was real for a couple of days but luckery it felt worse than it looked. You make a split decision and do something that takes 1 min to do but it had a big effect. I feel dumb so there's no need to say dont do this in the comments!

Well the feeling of what have i done on mon afternoon while at work turned into a bad depression lasting a couple of hours, i dont like feeling like that but i knew what triggered it.

Even saying all that im quite optimistic atm and in a good or atleast average mood

Oh and im now upto 40 pounds weight loss

jo

Hi Joanne,

  Oh girl, the mixed feelings you must be having. The sad problem of your wife not being accepting and the good feeling from going ahead with what you need to do. Congrats on that part at least. That having to choose between one or the other is difficult at best.  I thought I had a handle on the issues I had, but as you know the circumstances got the best of me. Be careful that you don't fall into that deep hole like I did. If you do Jo, then PM me so we can talk about it.
  Congrats on the weight loss also.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Jo, if you are doing what you feel you need to do, trust that. Whatever else happens, trust that. There is more I want to say, but I really don't want to overstep my experience when it comes to relationships. Just remember, you aren't good to anyone, including your wife if you were to deny yourself, living in depression and potentially resentment.

You are strong and you are brave.

(And congrats on the weight loss!!)

Congrats Jo, on losing so much weight.  I look at it as I am shedding the man and retaining the woman:)

nail polish, I love it so.  I have only been wearing clear myself.  I went one day without the polish and felt naked.  gotta have it on.  nobody has said anything about it here either.  I think soon I will try lavender:)

Bari Jo

Feels like im just getting more and more fustrated, how do you make someone understand what your going through if their either in denial or just to dence to understand?? I just cant get through to the wife. Husband all over valantines card cus i havent changed yet and well thats what u are. How can i get her to see me without her using her eyes.

I would have happyerly took a joke wife card with either name on it than this. It gives me so much anxity its unreal that she still cant see and understand me, i cant make her acept me but i need her to understand whats in my head and not what she can see.

Feel like going and orderig a wig and get some clothes and make up just to show her but i know thatll be it, ive been holdig back to protect her but again she just doent twig onto things. I shouldnt have to spell everything out i just wanna cry

Quote from: Shambles on February 14, 2018, 05:29:08 AM
Feels like im just getting more and more fustrated, how do you make someone understand what your going through if their either in denial or just to dence to understand?? I just cant get through to the wife. Husband all over valantines card cus i havent changed yet and well thats what u are. How can i get her to see me without her using her eyes.

I would have happyerly took a joke wife card with either name on it than this. It gives me so much anxity its unreal that she still cant see and understand me, i cant make her acept me but i need her to understand whats in my head and not what she can see.

Feel like going and orderig a wig and get some clothes and make up just to show her but i know thatll be it, ive been holdig back to protect her but again she just doent twig onto things. I shouldnt have to spell everything out i just wanna cry

Honestly, as human beings we can be set in our ways and forget that the other person has feelings.  The fact that she gave you a card has to mean something unless she was just being mean.  Which brings me up to the question of when two people of the same sex get married.  Are they both wives or husbands????

Quote from: Cassi on February 14, 2018, 07:58:57 AMWhich brings me up to the question of when two people of the same sex get married.  Are they both wives or husbands????

It depends on the couple.  My wife and I are both wives.  My brother and his partner think it is weird to have two husbands in a couple, so they are either partners or spouses.

Quote from: KathyLauren on February 14, 2018, 08:07:15 AM
It depends on the couple.  My wife and I are both wives.  My brother and his partner think it is weird to have two husbands in a couple, so they are either partners or spouses.

Thanks, I was curious about that.

Sounds like she may be acting out of willful denial, pretending the problem doesn't exist and hoping it goes away. Unfortunately, if this is the case, that never works. I think we all know that far too well. I can't remember if you've said or not, but has she been a therapist?

Ultimately though, one way or another, she going to have to acknowledge the truth, wherever that may lead. And while I have nothing but love and compassion for SOs dealing with this issue, in the meanwhile if you are truly suffering, I feel you should do what you what need to do. (Wig, clothes, etc.) Making accommodations for the sake of loved ones is a noble thing, but when you get to the point you are yourself in agony that doesn't do anyone any good.

Hi ellie, nether of us has seen a theripist, theres no point though to be honest. I know the path im on, i know what path shes on and they do come apart in the near future. The bit that keeps getting under my skin is she keeps bringing the kids into sentances. Things along the lines of they sre basically going with her. At the end of the day shes prob right but its just the absalute pov that nothing else can happen. This kinda convo needs to happen when we decide whos getting what not just a flippent remark.

I know what your saying about not holding back but i just dont want to force the moment of her saying right ive had enough now. I think that point wil def happen anyway when my weight is down if not before. Not been in a good place the last few weeks and put a few pounds on but going to need to get back into the swing. Even brought some running trainers just waiting for the weather not to be minus c before i start

She explained to me this afternoon that her mom was with her when she brought it, i didnt carry on thr convo as didnt want the conflict but i would have said she could have gotten it another time, picked up a generic card rather than husband or just not write "hubby" on it twice.

If you asked me a few weeks ago what i thought of being called a husband v wife i would have been quite easy on either, it didnt bother me but today has shown me exactly how much it does. And ive even suprised myself as didnt think i would react this badly 2bh.

Ive been talking to someone on here alot recently, open topics, girly chats, its been fantastic. The fact i can talk to someone other than my wife about this is just weird. I thought they would be no more secrets or not talkig about stuff to avoid conflict after coming out to her but its quite the opposite, im just more moody.

Shes still in love with male me, whoever that was. Im sure when we do part we can do it on good terms but if i go too ott now the chances of that deminish. More than anything i just dont want the kids to be bullied over this in the future. If someone said to me ive seen your future, you body becomes correct and feels right and you personally can live a healthy life but your kids will be messed up. You can carry on down this path or end it all now and they will never know and live happy lives i know which option i would take,i think any parent would. Ofc nobody can ever say that to me so its not like thats going to happen.

Well thats that off my chest i supose, i know i over think things ive always tried to live internally in my head.

Anyway ...

Jo x

So ive brought some propper bras and it turns out like i suspected i fill a b cup ( without hrt). Im done hiding them under v baggy 5xl t shirts and wearing a compresson vest. Their me... end of. 

Just about to start work with a normal bra on and a t shirt thats still a little large but no wear near the 5xl. Hope this goes well .....

This is one part of me that im done trying to hide, 2bh it was getting hard to hide them anyway

So, you've been MIA for a couple of weeks and are a B Cup now.  Glad you're okay.

If getting off of Susan's is all it takes for that kind of growth, I'll see y'all in a month.


- Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 12, 2018, 11:42:07 AM
If getting off of Susan's is all it takes for that kind of growth, I'll see y'all in a month.


- Stephanie

Good one Steph, lmao

Ive still been around just lerking a bit ) sometimes u just need to contemplate what u actually want and see how to get it rarther than asking more questions.... and a friend.from here has been keeping me.sane on snapchat x

Ive ordered a wig, hopefully should be dispatched any day now, its a cheapish one thats all around how.it.makes me feel rarther than 100% passable so i know im on the right track

My weight loss stalled in feb so ive joined a gym, pushed through to 48lbs loss now . With the loss the boobs are now super obviious, i dont think i was fooling anyone with the compression vest anyway

Contuned work with ipl hair removal and tending to.my nails hell i even joined a lgbt network at work ( v big company) and came out to a complete stranger on there in an.email

Thought about hrt, i know i want to be on it some point this year, im thinking after 6 stone (84lb) ill start the procces privatly.

On the flip side though i have spotted myself taking more risks with own saftly and mood dips stil not good but u have to to focus on positives right

But yeah cassi... b cup.... the weight is coming off but thats no fat thats some b cup boobie tissue lol  the vest was causing some bad in grown hair action and back pain so hope thats going to ease now.

Want to wait till ive got wig 1st but then ill share the hrt timeline with wife, im still protecting her from most of this. She found some nail varnish etc and got upset but she knew i wasnt trying to hide anything bad just protect her though not sure how to tell her about the wig yet! Im wearing a bra all the time.now and she knows... i just cant not wear one now!

Ih and seeiously considering ordering some female fitted t shirts in work as i do need.some.smaller ones, bearing in mind im not out ive floated the idea with a coulple of people using the line they fitt better. And when everyone knows u have boobs well they wont go agaisnt that logic! Not quite brave enough for this yet though

Just wanted to drop in and say hi and that its great to hear an update! :)

Ellie, i love you! i took your advise a few weeks ago and got that wig, big thanks to VickyS who helped me choose. It came today and had it on for about an hour and omg, i was worried i wouldn't like it, it wouldn't feel right etc. I wasnt really bothered if it didnt look real i just wanted to see how it felt, see if it could affirm that im on the right path and again.... omg i was happy like i was when i had the gender bomb drop on me. Couldn't stop taking photo's even though i hadn't shaved today. Need to tidy the hair up but i just wanted to get it on

(https://i.imgur.com/qdhQHbx.jpg)

Then on faceapp

(https://i.imgur.com/2ReoLbO.png)

Yes ive chosen the most fem pic of them all but please give me your thoughts on the pic, it's my 1st pic on here but wont be offended if the comments are "HA its a man in a wig!"

Looking good Joanne!

I think had you shaved in the first pic you would nearly mirror the FaceApp one. Very slight difference in the eyes and cheeks.

Hugs, Jessica

Quote from: Jessica on March 15, 2018, 05:43:31 PM
I think had you shaved in the first pic you would nearly mirror the FaceApp one. Very slight difference in the eyes and cheeks.

Thats a good thing right?

I'm sure it is. 

I have not been able to get a decent replacement for my avatar using FaceApp since the last one.  If I try Girl 2 I'm either melted or look like the guy on the Goonies.

Quote from: Shambles on March 15, 2018, 05:45:53 PM
Thats a good thing right?

Absolutely!

Quote from: Shambles on March 15, 2018, 05:45:53 PM
Thats a good thing right?

Glad you are happy!!

I think the wonderful thing with faceapp is that it helps illustrate how thin the line really is. While best not to take it as a true indication of final results (unless you walk around in top tier makeup and perfect lighting), when comparing the pictures you can clearly see that with only the slightest changes make all the difference. Changes that do come (even if not mirrored exactly as done by faceapp due to individual mileage) with HRT (and worse comes to worst, FFS)!

Small weight update.

Lost 50lb now (3.5 stone) was 288lb (20st 8) in october now 238 lb (17st) percent of body fat down too 45.9% down from 56%. Chest still the same size (b cup) even though ive lost over 4 inches from bust measurment (was over 48inch now 44 inch)

End goal is still to get to 162 lb (11st 8)or 126lb to loose in total.

37% of the way there now.

Quote from: Shambles on March 18, 2018, 06:22:35 AM
Small weight update.

Lost 50lb now (3.5 stone) was 288lb (20st 8) in october now 238 lb (17st) percent of body fat down too 45.9% down from 56%. Chest still the same size (b cup) even though ive lost over 4 inches from bust measurment (was over 48inch now 44 inch)

End goal is still to get to 162 lb (11st 8)or 126lb to loose in total.

37% of the way there now.

OMG!!!!!!

Jo, you and Ellie could be twins just about!!!!!!

Lol why cassi, i the weight figures ? I know shes part way through looseing weight too but not sure where shes at atm. Or do u mean picture ?

Maybe the totaly completly nateral definatly real, so real its definatly growing hair and colours ?
Xx

Either way im exited for the answer, ive always wanted another sister from another mother x

Quote from: Shambles on March 18, 2018, 01:14:04 PM
Lol why cassi, i the weight figures ? I know shes part way through looseing weight too but not sure where shes at atm. Or do u mean picture ?

Maybe the totaly completly nateral definatly real, so real its definatly growing hair and colours ?
Xx

Either way im exited for the answer, ive always wanted another sister from another mother x

First, it was meant to be a compliment.  Secondly, your hair and bangs, while your eyes are different, there's a youthful look on both of you and I could go on and on and on.........................

Your putting me to shame, fallen of the diet wagon and put 8 lb back on . best weight (30 years ago) was 11 st 8 lb from 16 and did it in 8 months . 14 st 10 now , would be happy with 12 and a 1/2  just need warmer weather now. Good to see your marching on and making progress

Oh u didnt think you was being anything but nice cassi, i was just curious.... thank you.

Davina lets not get too carried away, after all im still 17 stone! Funny enough my goal is 11stone 8, basically 9 stone in total

You know i still cant belive i posted a photo of me and changed profile pic but it does make me smile when i see it

Quote from: Shambles on March 18, 2018, 03:06:18 PM
Oh u didnt think you was being anything but nice cassi, i was just curious.... thank you.

Davina lets not get too carried away, after all im still 17 stone! Funny enough my goal is 11stone 8, basically 9 stone in total

You know i still cant belive i posted a photo of me and changed profile pic but it does make me smile when i see it

Good.  Sometimes I forget a word or phrase it wrong and mess it up.

The hrt and age thread got me thinking, how old do i look in the un edited photo on page 6?

At a guess (and I'm very bad at this), I'd guess 30?  But then I know how young you really are!  ;)

Quote from: Shambles on March 20, 2018, 11:56:41 AM
The hrt and age thread got me thinking, how old do i look in the un edited photo on page 6?

I feel like 20s and 30s blur together a lot more now, so hard to say, but I'd say 30-35ish. (Often hair being the deciding factor in how old someone looks, but we're all wearing wigs so obscure that tell! :D I have seen 22 year olds who I would have guessed late 30s, and people in late 30s i would have guessed early 20s based on hair.)

Late 20s, early 30's but remember lighting is everything.

Well ill take that as a win, im 35 so you didnt guess older!

Quote from: Shambles on March 20, 2018, 01:19:49 PM
Well ill take that as a win, im 35 so you didnt guess older!

I thought of maybe younger but again its the lighting that can make or break a good picture :)

So me and the wife had a big talk last night, all the way to 5am so was a long night. Talked through alot of stuff, probily everything that needed to be spoken about. Said what my plans were and she even saw me with hair. Shes gone from dead agaisnt everything all the way to supportive, im still in shock about the change of pov to be fair. I dont know if it will last but theres kids involved so i feel i need to alteast try to see if it can work. Shes agsinst joanne as a name, doesnt suit but unless she can come up with something amazing im quite settled on that now. The other thing was she did say we would need to move to another town when i start presentig fem for a new start, i dont mind that and wont be too far away anyway due.to work commitments.

The one thing that did throw me abit was she said all her famly have always said i was gay, other ppl in her life have said similar things and told her to get out and she "wondered if i was a bit like that" too, when i asked what makes you think that? Guestures? Manirisums? Speach patterns? Or what? She couldnt pin it down to anything. So im guessing that i was more out to everyone else than myself over the years. Weird thing is ive always been straight faced (lol so to speak) around her fam, always the quite on in the corner type so im not sure what theyve even picked up on. Now i know ive had a more open personality at work, act more fem for sure. Might try and ask a few sneaky questions this week to see how im perceived there. Would make sence as noone has even commented on clear nail varnish, wearing female work shirts, shaving arms and chest but we'll see what oppotunities come up to ask questions on the sly.

Ive got the go head to remove beard, going to get a consoltaton booked in soon and get the ball rolling on that. Talked about hair transplant in turkey too. While she didnt like the idea of going abroad for it, especicially outside the EU but u cant argue with the price saving. Now just need to work out how to afford it.

I was.expecting.this.talk, which has been put off for weeks to end the marrage and find ways to.move on. Ive.managed to hurt someone close too by sticking around, wont go into details but you know who you are and i am sorry. If there was no kids around things would prob be different, while im not going to stick around just for the kids as thats not healthy i owe it to them to alteast try..

I dont know what'll happen in the future but things are looking more stable right now... well atleast for today

Wow Jo, that seems like pretty good news if you ask me.  I wouldn't worry too much about the "fem" behavior comments as it seems "everyone" tends to think that once you've come out to them.  Wife #1 who's in contact with one of my nieces told her she suspected that, yeah, right.  Probably one of the most PW'd husbands there's ever been.

Anyway, glad to hear that it's looking up for you!

Hello Joanne

I am so pleased to read such wonderful news. So glad your wife is fully supportive.

I completely understand that some friends or colleagues sometimes "see" the feminism in mannerisms or behaviour before we come out as several people have made similar comments to me (whether knowing of my transgender status or not).

I am also arranging Electrolysis on my face in the near future (light coloured whiskers) and intend to move house to a place not far away when I transition publicly next year.

Hugs & Kisses

Pamela

Its weird the memories you forget from when u was a kid, they stay with you and pop out randomly. I can now remember being at my nan and grandads house down the road from ours and be facinated by my nans musical balarina box, wind it up and a ballarina turns around as music plays. My nans casternets from spain and the matching fold up fan i played with. Even as i type this now i can rember being drawn to her jerwery box and the contents. Think i.must have been 4 or 5 at the time

It makes me wonder how many more forgoten or repressed memories are still up there waiting to come out.

In transiton news ive got a laser consultation for face on tuesday morning

In wife news shes on the whole being nice and it just feels strange, i cant tell if its genuine or not. I should be really happy right now but i just feel more detached than anything else atm

That's good news, lets hope you get some support. Its been over a year for me and she is still shocked.

Quote from: Shambles on March 30, 2018, 03:02:52 PM
Its weird the memories you forget from when u was a kid, they stay with you and pop out randomly. I can now remember being at my nan and grandads house down the road from ours and be facinated by my nans musical balarina box, wind it up and a ballarina turns around as music plays. My nans casternets from spain and the matching fold up fan i played with. Even as i type this now i can rember being drawn to her jerwery box and the contents. Think i.must have been 4 or 5 at the time

It makes me wonder how many more forgoten or repressed memories are still up there waiting to come out.

In transiton news ive got a laser consultation for face on tuesday morning

In wife news shes on the whole being nice and it just feels strange, i cant tell if its genuine or not. I should be really happy right now but i just feel more detached than anything else atm

I remember really random things a lot sometimes too. Just pop into my head reading other people mentioning similar or when I'm saying in bed at night.

I recommend taking some tylenol with you and be prepped for laser treatment, not just the consult, they can probably go ahead and do it right then and there, doesn't take long. (If they can't, that's really weird.)

@Roll What does the skin look like after the lasor? Is it all red and v noticeable after ? Im a bit paronoid that i wont be able to hide it

Quote from: Shambles on March 30, 2018, 06:36:53 PM
@Roll What does the skin look like after the lasor? Is it all red and v noticeable after ? Im a bit paronoid that i wont be able to hide it

I had virtually no reaction, slightly red but not much and went away quickly. It does vary though I wouldn't worry about it too much. :)

Quote from: Shambles on March 30, 2018, 03:02:52 PM
Its weird the memories you forget from when u was a kid, they stay with you and pop out randomly. I can now remember being at my nan and grandads house down the road from ours and be facinated by my nans musical balarina box, wind it up and a ballarina turns around as music plays. My nans casternets from spain and the matching fold up fan i played with. Even as i type this now i can rember being drawn to her jerwery box and the contents. Think i.must have been 4 or 5 at the time

It makes me wonder how many more forgoten or repressed memories are still up there waiting to come out.

Something else we have in common. I am remembering things from long ago which were so buried deep in the memory banks and resurface and provide further confirmation that I am on the right road.

I suppose it is only to be expected once we accept ourselves and "open up" our mind.

Pamela

I know right, the brain is such a complicated thing. Forgotton for years then you can remember it like yesterday

Quote from: Shambles on March 31, 2018, 10:27:52 AM
I know right, the brain is such a complicated thing. Forgotton for years then you can remember it like yesterday

I keep mine in a glass jar on top of the frig and never forget it :)

Quote from: Cassi on March 31, 2018, 08:19:42 PM
I keep mine in a glass jar on top of the frig and never forget it :)

Abbie Normal?


- Stephanie

Had a busy day today, alot has happened. Went for the initial appointment for lasor on face and got a patch test done, cant tell you how nervous i was going in and waiting but the guy was really nice and chatted for most of the hour. He didn't mention anything about trans but i was going in for beard removal and did have pink nail varnish on so im guessing he knew. He did make a comment when i was asking how long if any he wants the hair on the day and asked me to touch his chin for comparison, think the phrase was "man to man" think i just smiled at that point but cant really remember. Anyway i need to phone up my specialist just to check its ok to do the treatment as i mentioned existing medication but all being well im going to have the first of six seasons done this friday! He even gave me a discount for paying upfront rather than in installments as i was worried about the price.

At work there testing the waters with seeing how many people want to take volentry redundancy, the bad point is that i dropped my hours to 80% full time 2 months ago, if i ask to be considered and get it that choice will cost me 4 years worth of redundancy pot cash but i still might take it so i can concentrate on my business. Just need to say i want to proceed tomorrow as its a tight turnaround. Its a bit of a leap of faith but think its needed at this point to get away from what i do now to what i want to do. A wise old man that left the place a fair few years ago said something to me that i've always remembered - "your'll never be rich working here but you will be comfortable". Well if my awakening so far over the last 6 months has taught me anything its that anything is possible and this is very much feeling like a once in a lifetime offer that i cant refuse. I was ready to plead to the boss about getting the other 20% of the package but she said it wouldn't matter what i said its just how it is so im not dwelling on that but i was prepared to come out to her, the full works if it would have helped as the difference would have paid for a hair transplant.

Went to talk to my mom and dad about my choices (not out to them so did keep my pink fingernails firmly in my pockets) and mentioned about hair transplant. Well my dad reacted to the whole convo like a sledgehammer like he normally does but my mom just sat there looking all worried about stuff going wrong abroad and it might be better to wait a bit for the cash to do it in the uk, she did say she completely understands though (even though she thinks im cis male). I did have it in my head that i might be able to do the hair by this summer but my mom wanted me to promise that i wouldn't do it for 12 months - i promised her 6 months in the end. Lasor on face will take 6 months anyway and i might not have a full paying job next month so it kinda feels like the sensible thing to do. Now knowing my GD i do think something will need to take it's place though, ive got a feeling that i might be rocking some colour on nails in public more often... and the wig privately but its just so hard when you have kids, it rules out at home for most of the day.

Saying that though my daughter who's 5 noticed the nails tonight, was confused at first but i just said i put it on when she was asking how it got there, like someone had pinned me down and put it on without me knowing or something but she was ok with that after 5 mins.

There's a hell of a lot going on in my life atm, fair wack of it isn't connected to GD. It's strange though that everything, well alot of stuff is going right or changing at this point in my life. 6 months ago i felt trapped but now everything is shifting and i feel the power to be able to move things in a direction i want. Things might go horribly wrong but im looking at the positives right now, i keep coming back to two ideas. 1) accepting that im trans and need to move forward has had some other positive effects around me, i mean i know im changing - becoming more comfortable with who i am inside - maybe thats radiating out? I know i have no control over a redundancy offer but even that im seeing as a good thing if i can get it. or 2) someone is watching over me and giving me a little help (im not religious but its still an option!)

wow! didn't think i was going to ramble for that long then but like i said alot's happened in 24 hours

Peace!
Jo

I'm surprised they are making you wait after test patch, everywhere I've spoken to here and place I wound up just do it same day after test.

Just make sure to take some Tylenol before hand and maybe look into some of the numbing cream recommendations if you feel you may need it. (I dont use them so cant really speak to them.)

<3

Super news on the laser.  I would be very pleased with that.  ;D  Well done girl!

I think sometimes we have to take the odd leap of faith.  We don't always know the outcome but have to take an educated guess.  Sometimes it's better to act than do nothing at all and stagnate.  I can't remember who said this quote, but my dad uses it all the time:  always do something, even if it turns out wrong. Never do nothing. Do nowt, spend nowt and you'll achieve nowt. (nowt = nothing for all those who don't speak colloquial midland english!! lol).

QuoteWent to talk to my mom and dad about my choices (not out to them so did keep my pink fingernails firmly in my pockets) and mentioned about hair transplant. Well my dad reacted to the whole convo like a sledgehammer like he normally does but my mom just sat there looking all worried about stuff going wrong abroad and it might be better to wait a bit for the cash to do it in the uk, she did say she completely understands though (even though she thinks im cis male). I did have it in my head that i might be able to do the hair by this summer but my mom wanted me to promise that i wouldn't do it for 12 months - i promised her 6 months in the end. Lasor on face will take 6 months anyway and i might not have a full paying job next month so it kinda feels like the sensible thing to do. Now knowing my GD i do think something will need to take it's place though, ive got a feeling that i might be rocking some colour on nails in public more often... and the wig privately but its just so hard when you have kids, it rules out at home for most of the day.

I'm not surprised your mom is worried.  I am too to be honest, but again, sometimes we have to make a leap of faith and I can't imagine (well I can try) how much GD hair loss can cause.  If it helps lessen the pain of the GD then it's worth every penny.  Your mom is just concerned about her child so I totally get that.  At the end of the day, I'm sure they both want you to be happy in your life.  If I were in your situation, I'd go for it, even if it's in 6 months time.  ;D

QuoteSaying that though my daughter who's 5 noticed the nails tonight, was confused at first but i just said i put it on when she was asking how it got there, like someone had pinned me down and put it on without me knowing or something but she was ok with that after 5 mins.

That's good. At least now she's getting used to the idea.  ;D

Quote
There's a hell of a lot going on in my life atm, fair wack of it isn't connected to GD. It's strange though that everything, well alot of stuff is going right or changing at this point in my life. 6 months ago i felt trapped but now everything is shifting and i feel the power to be able to move things in a direction i want. Things might go horribly wrong but im looking at the positives right now, i keep coming back to two ideas. 1) accepting that im trans and need to move forward has had some other positive effects around me, i mean i know im changing - becoming more comfortable with who i am inside - maybe thats radiating out? I know i have no control over a redundancy offer but even that im seeing as a good thing if i can get it. or 2) someone is watching over me and giving me a little help (im not religious but its still an option!)

Sounds like you are in a MUCH better place now than 6 months ago.  I do know how you feel as I'm on the same timeline.  That trapped feeling is absolutely horrible and it's so empowering to be able to make decisions for yourself that only YOU control, not everyone else and you just drift along for an easy life.  Personally I'm sick of doing that.  I have had lots of comments about the fact that I'm changing also, so I think we do radiate out these positive changes.  I'm MUCH more comfortable with who (and what) I am now.  Self acceptance is a HUGE step but the most satisfying one.  This is going to be a life changing year for you in pretty much every aspect of your life by the sounds of it.  these changes are positive and will hopefully usher you into a new era and chapter of your life filled with happiness and love. xx

Jo

It really is so wonderful to read that things are now looking up for you.

Congratulations on the good fortune and hoping it continues.

Pamela

This is what i've been rocking since Sunday -

(https://i.imgur.com/5SAgQLh.jpg)

So im in the GD quite stage atm where you left questioning is this still correct - i know its quite normal. Lots of stuff going on taking mind away from GD and some progress made on Feminisation - it's bound to have that effect. Lets see how long it lasts  :D

Also i've thought of a much better title for this thread - Jo Bloggs, get it? It's like Joe Bloggs ie mr average but Mis average and its Jonanne's Blog! Might see if i can change it!

Had my first lasor season today on my face, dam i was nervous, my hands were shaking it was that bad. Had lots of denial thoughts this week in the run up around what the hell am i doing etc but i kept the appointment, i knew how bad i would have felt if i chickened out. Feel alot calmer now knowing its done and the other 5 seasons will now be easy.

So long hair! Nice knowing you! (Pisst dont tell the hair but that was sarcasim)

Quote from: Shambles on April 06, 2018, 11:15:39 AM
Had my first lasor season today on my face, dam i was nervous, my hands were shaking it was that bad. Had lots of denial thoughts this week in the run up around what the hell am i doing etc but i kept the appointment, i knew how bad i would have felt if i chickened out. Feel alot calmer now knowing its done and the other 5 seasons will now be easy.

So long hair! Nice knowing you! (Pisst dont tell the hair but that was sarcasim)

I had that too, it felt like a point of no return for me, but afterward I felt so much infinitely better!

Picked up some tinted moisteriser on sun, its realy good! Not quite as obvious as full blown foundation so im wearing it to work now. Smooths things out and hides dark hair
Think this will become a gateway though to full blown make up  :D

Quote from: Shambles on April 10, 2018, 05:12:13 AM
Picked up some tinted moisteriser on sun, its realy good! Not quite as obvious as full blown foundation so im wearing it to work now. Smooths things out and hides dark hair
Think this will become a gateway though to full blown make up  :D

I use a tinted moisturiser for going to the gym and golfing.  Mine have sunscreen so good for outside.  Need something to cover the shadow and I'm not going to do full make up just to sweat it off.  I saw some that are supposed to be full coverage,  as good as foundation.  I'm thinking of giving it a try next time I need to get more foundation. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

I use Nivea tinted moisturiser , its almost the same as my colour matched foundation and lasts all day in my mucky job. Beard removal is my next thing but worried about the cost as don't have much savings ,if you don't mind me asking how much is yours costing (pm is you want). Have been "coming out" for over a year  and now full time but nowhere near passing , went shopping this morning and had a few second takes but I just hold my head up and stick my bust out . Its there problem not mine but could do without the sirs and mates , will be better when its warmer and not in jeans or under a sweatshirt at work

Quote from: davina61 on April 10, 2018, 08:18:22 AM
I use Nivea tinted moisturiser , its almost the same as my colour matched foundation and lasts all day in my mucky job. Beard removal is my next thing but worried about the cost as don't have much savings ,if you don't mind me asking how much is yours costing (pm is you want). Have been "coming out" for over a year  and now full time but nowhere near passing , went shopping this morning and had a few second takes but I just hold my head up and stick my bust out . Its there problem not mine but could do without the sirs and mates , will be better when its warmer and not in jeans or under a sweatshirt at work

So ived paid 640 for 6 seasons. That was down from 750 as i haggled a bit but its still alot of cash. And ill still need electro afterwards but itll take care of most. I use the nivea one too, picked up the light verson

That's less than I thought it would be , will have to make some phone calls this week as on hols

Yeah, laser is perfectly reasonable I've felt. I paid just under $300 for 3 sessions, and while it jumps up a bit once my groupon is out, that is just because of where I live. I've seen it as cheap as $95 per session even without discounts.

If you convert my cost per season to dollars its 150 a season but that seams to be a going rate over here

I came out to a close work friend tonight during eurovision on snapchat! I was so sure she knew but was just waiting for me to aproach the subject, turns out it was a suprise. Was shaking as i was typing, is this the right thing doubts but i did it and the reaction was amazing. We was even talking about nails and how i wear clear polish to work and showed her a pic of colour on nails now and she didnt click until i spelt it out.

So proud to be able to call her a friend and its a real boost in confidance for me

Quote from: Shambles on May 12, 2018, 07:55:51 PM
I came out to a close work friend tonight during eurovision on snapchat! I was so sure she knew but was just waiting for me to aproach the subject, turns out it was a suprise. Was shaking as i was typing, is this the right thing doubts but i did it and the reaction was amazing. We was even talking about nails and how i wear clear polish to work and showed her a pic of colour on nails now and she didnt click until i spelt it out.

So proud to be able to call her a friend and its a real boost in confidance for me

Wow, that's amazing, congrats!!

Quote

Quote from: Shambles on May 12, 2018, 07:55:51 PM
I came out to a close work friend tonight during eurovision on snapchat! I was so sure she knew but was just waiting for me to aproach the subject, turns out it was a suprise. Was shaking as i was typing, is this the right thing doubts but i did it and the reaction was amazing. We was even talking about nails and how i wear clear polish to work and showed her a pic of colour on nails now and she didnt click until i spelt it out.

So proud to be able to call her a friend and its a real boost in confidance for me

Yay! That's awesome! Always a great feeling.


xoxoxo
Alyssa

Also been trying to think around sexuality, what best describes how im atttacted?

Forget the norm tags of straight gay bi etc im attracted to femininity simple as that, though i dont know at this point if this is the simple case or im just attracted to how i see myself.

Anyone else thought about that? Not sure if your own wants cloud your attraction veiws?

Quote from: Shambles on May 13, 2018, 03:47:20 AM

Anyone else thought about that? Not sure if your own wants cloud your attraction veiws?

Yeah I think I've realized this now after so many years.  I had always said or believed my "dream girl" was tall, thin blonde (redhead in later years).  I'm tall, I used to be thin and have blonde hair which I've dyed red now.

But even then the women I thought were sexiest had dark hair.

It certainly looks like I confused the two for a long time. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

Quote from: Shambles on May 13, 2018, 03:47:20 AM
Also been trying to think around sexuality, what best describes how im atttacted?

Forget the norm tags of straight gay bi etc im attracted to femininity simple as that, though i dont know at this point if this is the simple case or im just attracted to how i see myself.

Anyone else thought about that? Not sure if your own wants cloud your attraction veiws?

Dr. Anne Vitale wrote that (in the case of MtF) we are attracted to and often marry the woman we want to be. That's been the case for me.


- Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 13, 2018, 07:42:38 AM
Dr. Anne Vitale wrote that (in the case of MtF) we are attracted to and often marry the woman we want to be. That's been the case for me.


- Stephanie

Yes, me too!

Quote from: Shambles on May 13, 2018, 03:47:20 AM
Anyone else thought about that? Not sure if your own wants cloud your attraction veiws?

What I thought was my dream girl for most of my life was actually just what I wanted to look like for sure.

Sounds like im not the only one then! Envy and attraction are practically the same thing. Was going down the path of how do i seperate the two to understand what i actually like from another person but i guess that will only come with time through stages of transition.

I thought after my awaking back in nov that i knew who i was but im still learning new things as time goes on.

Seriouly considering going into work tomorrow with painted nails, its been a good weekend. also soo want to get left ear peired three times

Quote

Quote from: Roll on May 13, 2018, 08:44:52 AM
What I thought was my dream girl for most of my life was actually just what I wanted to look like for sure.

This absolutely! It took me a very long time to figure that out though haha.


xoxoxo
Alyssa

I've realized something this weekend, i've always been to scared of other people's views to let any personality show or do anything physically that shows anything but masculinity. When i realized this i felt so calm afterwards.

I'm saying no more to this.

Today i'm going into work with colour on my nails and i've started to look at earrings. If the world dont like it it's tough as this is me and i'm here to stay

That's what I said, started with clear nails and then on my birthday had my ears done, started padding my bra and painting nails. Then it was full time and now name change. A few quizzicals but no problems , out and about its been fine. Saying that not been shopping in a dress or skirt yet, soon though now its warming up. Its "if you have a problem its your problem not mine" 

Quote from: Steph2.0 on May 13, 2018, 07:42:38 AM
Dr. Anne Vitale wrote that (in the case of MtF) we are attracted to and often marry the woman we want to be. That's been the case for me.

- Stephanie

Very interesting indeed. I feel precisely the same. I agree completely with Jo, Alyssa, Stephanie, Kathy, Tonya and Ellie.

I may consider a thread on this subject shortly.

There is more than a remote connection between our transgender life and physical attraction!

Hugs to all

Pamela

update time!

Ear has been pierced, went with 2 on the top and one on the lobe, all 3 on the one ear - really pleased with how it looks.

Started to buy some clothes, wasn't far off with sizes recon im a 20 for tops and 18 bottom, waiting on 18's though but the 20's i got was a bit big.

Took this photo last night-
(https://i.imgur.com/QlKm34h.jpg)

Think it's my new fav pic, keep looking at it and gives me a warm feeling. It really doesn't look like the male me at all.

Lots to do atm but trying to get prepared for the sept meet up, using it as a bit of a drive to get my ass into gear.

Weight is pritty stable atm unfortunately, cant seem to get below 16.5 stone (231lbs) need to get this down asap!

I forgot about the goals i set at the start of the year so glad i wrote them down here, turns out i'm pleased with my progress after the 6 month mark

Also bra's, noticed that the b's i've been wearing are a bit too small now, brought a c cup (wearing in pic), dont fill it but i'd say around 3/4, trouble is it's a bit hard to hide them with the c on so think i need to wear the b's while at work to squish them down.

Having major trouble with skin on arms and chest, all my hair seams to grow sideways or flat and the amount of ingrown hairs is bad, i mean really bad. Nothing i do seams to help either it's looking like a red cratered moon right now, cant even count how many red marks are on chest. Got some cream from docs for infections but prob is it's just the fact their so many in gowning the cream is a bit pointless.

Got my 3rd lasor season on face this week

There you go Jo slowly but surely . See you in Sept ;)

Looking great hun. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Looking amazing!!!!!! <3

Not a good update, more of a vent.

Told yesterday that im not going to get redundcey, this means theres no money to do private hrt, will ne no money for hair transplant and im stuck doing too many hrs over 2 jobs and generally makes it harder to transition in the timeframe i had in mind.feels like a part of me just died, so so low atm im just glad i didnt get this news a day before as spend 7 hours at my desk in a thought loop about ending it all.

I dont mo where to go from here, so trapped by home, wife, money, jobs ive got nowhere to turn. Somethings gotta give. Feels like im 1 random convo away from bursting out in tears

Forget transition my 1 goal atm is just to keep breathing and see what happens

I'm sorry to see this, Jo. You were so upbeat a few days ago in posting about your clothing and such, and now this. 

Best to take a few days, and think of this as a time to regroup and consider plans.  In working on ourselves, we often develop plans for our transitions that turn out not to be workable, and have to fall back and regroup.  I must have done this a dozen times in my first 8 months after coming out, and each time it hurt, whacked me back into depression, and produced some pretty horrible thoughts.

I kept a written diary, and that helped, particularly at keeping me from running in circles and spinning my way to depression.  I could just flip back a few pages and see right there that I had considered some alternatives and already knew the risks and rewards, no need to repeat the exercise.  Without that I would just be beating myself up again running my mind in a loop.

I found at times like that it was best for me to just get through one day, one morning at a time, and eventually something would come to me, a thought, a news article, or a message from a friend that might open an unexplored pathway I could explore.

Eventually I found one pathway that led to my transition.  It was nothing like I had imagined when I came out, but it worked.

Just get through the day, Jo.  Some new possibility will open a new path for you.

Ever the optimist I find when thing don't go to plan some thing turns up that would have been missed or not happened if I had stuck to a plan.Hope you get what I mean! Stay strong as unless you have a working crystal ball how do you know what will be in your future.

Jo

I am so sorry to hear you are not getting redundancy and hence you don't have funds for HRT or Hair Transplant and that you are working yourself so hard and that as a result you are depressed.

I know it is so hard to change your thinking when depressed and I do sympathise. Please try not to be disheartened. Please try to concentrate on what you have already achieved and that with your enthusiasm, you will achieve more.

I hope in early course you find sufficient funds for at least 1 or your 2 objectives.

Hugs

Pamela

Quote from: Shambles on June 13, 2018, 08:55:48 AM
Not a good update, more of a vent.

Told yesterday that im not going to get redundcey, this means theres no money to do private hrt, will ne no money for hair transplant and im stuck doing too many hrs over 2 jobs and generally makes it harder to transition in the timeframe i had in mind.feels like a part of me just died, so so low atm im just glad i didnt get this news a day before as spend 7 hours at my desk in a thought loop about ending it all.

I dont mo where to go from here, so trapped by home, wife, money, jobs ive got nowhere to turn. Somethings gotta give. Feels like im 1 random convo away from bursting out in tears

Forget transition my 1 goal atm is just to keep breathing and see what happens

I'm right there with you on those feelings. Life is just kicking my ass right now. I mean, I've literally burst into tears in the middle of a conversation a few times in the past 5 days.

Even though I  did get to have the hair transplants, I'm having massive buyer's remorse and freaking out over how much money I just spent.

Had a bit of a growth spert with the boobies, 42C now. Not bad pre hrt lol. Im not complaining though its the only good thing thats going on atm. 48 hrs after no redunceny cash turns out my busness that is plan b for funds might be no more in a months time. Talk about being kicked when your down, its more like ive been beaten to the floor then being stabbed while down. Might be ok but worse case it isnt. Hell even best case its not brilliant right now but yeah 42C. Honestly how do teenage girls even do anything

Well done on the boobage . Hugs

Issue with own bis is dealt with for now so that's a huge weight off my shoulders, in other news i've been going out in my jeggings. Went to a work do for a few hours and made the chest obvious, T shirt that fits (so smaller than most that i have) and did get a few looks, they seamed to notice that and didn't spot the coloured nail varnish, didn't get any comments about stuff but was quite funny seeing people look.

Been putting hair on a bit while alone at work, thing is i need to take it off after 10-15mins as i cant concentrate on the work! wouldn't get things done if left it off.

Open question on hrt boob growth as i want to see if it's the same as what i'm experiencing atm. For me they have grown alot the last few weeks, i would say from a B to a medium C now, quite cone shaped, no size change in nipples, there not sore but are quite sensitive now. wouldn't hurt to bang them against something but defiantly more sensitive to the touch. Does this sound like someone on hrt? i'm not taking anything but feels like hormones are all out of wack. Every day this week they've felt a little bigger!

Update time )

Hit the 5 stone lost mark now so thats 70lb gone and another 56lb to go. Comig off at about 7 lb a month now. The lows in mood was getting to me too much, the dark stuff was becomig to regular and quite constant. Doc put me on a low dose on anti deptessants, seam to be working so far.

Still struggling with in grown hair, chest is horrid, must be around 30% that ingrow and there scaring but feels like boobs are still growing, there not round but quite pointy, still fill a c cup. Mentioned this to doc as not on hrt and asked for hormone and chromisones to be tested. Hes got to get back to me though as not sure how to do it lol.

As its been hot ive been going into work with shorts and shaved legs. No comments other than your legs are so white. Had one girl take a second look as she though i was wearing knee high white socks  ;D

Had to pull back on transition proggress due to lack of funds. Hoping i can afford to goto the uk meet up and do the night as dont wanna miss that but its going to cost alot to get stuff so im ready for it.

Meeting with sis in next coulple of weeks. Might come out to her if its going well... we'll see on that

Jo xx

Been awhile but just wanted to share my weekend. Had a family wedding to goto and not seen all of them in around a year, had 2 / 3 ppl say i didnt reconise you and the groom (whos big) said "your an insperarion to us all" although that was after a few drinks :) . Really felt good knowing the changes ive made mot just pysically but mentally too are paying off, i mean im not there yet but its been a journey from wearing xxxxxl (5XL) t shirts down to simple L today. Even into uk size 14 trousers now.

Found a pic of me from 7 years ago... i wasnt even at my heavyest at that point and dam thats someone i cant ever say was me. Recon thatll be my before shot if i cant find anything more recent.

All my measurements are shrinking (inc shoe size) exept bust yay. Bust still at 45 inches, waist and band at 38 with belly somewhere inbetween.

Cant wait for the meet up this weekend now, im going as jo, i need too
Ill kick myself afterwards if i dont, the last 6 months this has been a day to aim for, if all goes well im gonna contact gendergp again and get the ball rolling lol or balls rolling.... had a little giggle there.

I dont no where my path will end or who will be around me at that time but i know its a journey i want too and need to take, where before it was something other people did.. something that was only possble for others i now see i too can do this. I can be one of the strong people who except the hand delt to then wasnt right and have the strengh to do something about it.

Hugs to all x

Jo, that is some remarkable progress!  Many of us have had to contend with weight issues, and it certainly isn't easy.  (I lost about 85 lbs to get where I am now, over about a 10 year period.)

I think that you may be well on your way on your journey already. Congratulations!

Thanks and it does feel like it. Lost 73lb so far since end of oct trying for 84lb in 12 month period

Put me to shame , after Katie came for lunch scales say +4 lb !!!!!! Well done see you Sat.

That's always a sign of a good lunch ) Looking froward to it  ;D

Quote from: Shambles on September 17, 2018, 05:45:10 AM
I dont no where my path will end or who will be around me at that time but i know its a journey i want too and need to take, where before it was something other people did.. something that was only possble for others i now see i too can do this. I can be one of the strong people who except the hand delt to then wasnt right and have the strengh to do something about it.

Hugs to all x

Excellent Jo. Clearly you are motivated to transition and I am so happy for you. Go for it!

Glad also that you enjoyed the UK Meet Up last week.

Hugs

Pamela

I came out to two people at work today, felt sick going into work knowing i wanted to speak to one person but thought hey im on a roll and did another.. was almost a 3rd too but thought lets not go overboard for one day. Tell you what though, it feels good now. One already knew from signs and had contacted hr already as she wanted to help me, advise was to let me come to her 1st but even after one convo she was amazing.

Its not as hard as you think, yet to find anyone that's been negative . Its was nice to meet you, keep on keeping on!!!!!

Dear diary.... lol

So these were my goals on Jan 1st this year, i've come along way since then and feel they need a recap and an update to give some perspective on stuff, it's for my benefit but if it helps others too it's a bonus.

Quote from: Shambles on January 01, 2018, 08:14:07 AM
1) come out to wife
2) come out to others
3) loose that 111lbs, or atleast whats safe in 12 months
4) develop my business more and leave my current job
5) try experimenting with make up / clothes
6) figure out what i am
7) get into a hair routine and dont be obsessive every day
8 ) let me be me

1. Come out to wife.. done
2. Ongoing but some progress made, dragged my heals on this one
3. Weight . ongoing but pleased with progress so far.. their was a lot to loose, people are actually surprised to hear my actual weight as they think i'm much lighter
4. business - on track
5. make up / clothes - this one's always going to be around right? but dont think its a goal anymore, ive been wearing neural or fem stuff even in male mode recently anyway
6. who am i? i'm a transgender woman. Cant say im proud to be this way but i can accept this now and i can say i'm ok being this way
7. hair removal well thats still a thing but it's not making my new list
8. let me be me - struggled alot with identity and being able to let it show, believe im at a point now though where i'm far more comfortable being able to interact with others

So time for a new list, it's far more focused into transition areas and things i need to do or overcome along the way

1) Be more open with wife and talk more
2) Tell parents
3) Come out to a few more people that i can trust, theres a few that already know but theres also a few more i would like in the loop for suport
4) Continue to loose weight, will be nice if i can hit 6 stone lost before end of Oct as that will mark a year since weight loss began. Target still 9 stone in total.
5) Finish lasor on face so i'm at a stage that's more comfortable
6) Start hormones and tell the kids school about this, dont want anything negative around me to effect them
7) Come out to all and go full time
8 ) Name change
9) GRS
10) FFS and elecro on face if / when i can afford it

I know my path now, there's no timescale on this list and will probabiliy take 5 years to complete 9 & 10 but others i would like to do before the end of the year.

While i cant say im comfortable in my skin, i can say for the 1st time in my life it feels like i've got an identity of my own rather than just borrowing someone else's

I love your new list Jo!
Making this can and will help keep you on track better than not.
I too am needing to do a number of the items on each of your lists. 
Some are done, which is a nice feeling.

I feel you are very accepting of yourself and it helps that the ones you confide in accept you also.
Most will, I believe.

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

@Shambles
Dear Jo:
I love how you have been using your personal diary/thread which includes your "to do" list along with tasks that have been completed!!

This is a great way to personally document your "journey" progress and can provide much needed personal motivation to continue on, "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead"

I did notice that your new list is 2 items longer than your previous list....  this is good because as you have completed many of your earlier tasks, you now can be more focused on targeted tasks that more specifically relate to reaching your transition goals.

I am a big believer in personal journals and diaries myself.   I do keep my personal thread updated here on the forums but for some of the more personal stuff going on in my life I then turn to my old-school pen & paper journal complete with colorful doodling...
These things are a good way to mentally process our issues and past actions that can allow us to formulate solutions in our path forward.   Also makes for some good reading on a cold winter night while sitting in front of the fireplace with a cup of tea or coffee on the side table.

Thank you, Jo, for sharing your thoughts and please know that in your good reports here on the forums we are here to rejoice with you and in your not so good reports we can then support you with our thoughts and comments.... and virtual HUGS.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle   

 Hi Jo,

  I like this last update of yours and your new to do list. Keep going with the way you are. Good luck with the weight loss goal. You are doing fine Hun.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Board photo, thought id share ) :/

(https://i.imgur.com/9kRRx1m.jpg)

Very nice.XXX

Why is make up so addictive?  :D :D :D

Starting to get a grip with the basics now and just discovered the amazing under eye lighting near white one.. i cant go back.. not even day to day male me! honestly i dont know how you girls handle/(d) switching appearance  while not full time. Have defiantly gone to more andro clothes but make up i cant go out the house now without some on. Oh and found a lipstick i like... gonna try that out tomorrow when Jo's out and about for the second time.

Oh Bra's! found one that fits perfectly - and gives me a cleavage! i'm buying some more of those ones for sure and getting rid of the old ones.

Was wear pink day at work last week for cancer i felt like a goth trick or treating on halloween, even wore bright pink nail varnish.. girls were "wow cool they look nice" guys were like "wtf dude"

Hit a road block with hrt - wife says no. I feel im ready to start now too, trying not to let it get to me and drop mood but ill give her some more time and hope she comes around but im not going to wait forever. Ill give it 6 months max then i need to start thinking about me rarther than just others.

Quote from: Shambles on October 15, 2018, 04:31:57 PM
Why is make up so addictive?  :D :D :D

Starting to get a grip with the basics now and just discovered the amazing under eye lighting near white one.. i cant go back.. not even day to day male me! honestly i dont know how you girls handle/(d) switching appearance  while not full time. Have defiantly gone to more andro clothes but make up i cant go out the house now without some on. Oh and found a lipstick i like... gonna try that out tomorrow when Jo's out and about for the second time.

Oh Bra's! found one that fits perfectly - and gives me a cleavage! i'm buying some more of those ones for sure and getting rid of the old ones.

Was wear pink day at work last week for cancer i felt like a goth trick or treating on halloween, even wore bright pink nail varnish.. girls were "wow cool they look nice" guys were like "wtf dude"

Hit a road block with hrt - wife says no. I feel im ready to start now too, trying not to let it get to me and drop mood but ill give her some more time and hope she comes around but im not going to wait forever. Ill give it 6 months max then i need to start thinking about me rarther than just others.

@Shambles
Dear Jo:
Oh yes, for sure makeup can be so addictive and lots of fun...  it's kinda like crayons and a coloring book ... but instead it is our faces that we draw on and color!!!   Lots of practice is needed, and very fortunately there is lots of self-help information on the internet.   The best help that I received was from my cis-girl acquaintances and friends... and also some sessions at the larger department stores in their makeup section... most offer free advice, lessons and sometime will offer discounts on their products for purchase.

You are correct about the distress of frequently handling going from male-mode to female-mode.... once I went full-time it was such a relief ....  no more male mode.   I got rid of all of my male stuff...... clothing, underwear shoes, grooming items, jewelry, shower items, etc.  There was no going back.

Bras are one of those things that you will keep switching around until your body transitioning has stablized and leveled off... the good news is that by then you will have a good handle on what you want and what styles will work best for you.

Oh, I hope that you and your wife can come to an amicable compromise about your planned HRT....   are you both going to counseling, separately or together.   Couples counseling is a great option and can be less threatening for both of you if doing it together.
Take the time to read the various posting and threads around the Forum to see how other transitioners with spouses are handling things... for some it is going well and the spouse is supportive and accepting, and for others not so much.   For sure there might be some useful and helpful information in those postings.

Thank you for sharing your update, your followers are your biggest fans and supporters.
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Shambles on October 15, 2018, 04:31:57 PM
Why is make up so addictive?  :D :D :D

Starting to get a grip with the basics now and just discovered the amazing under eye lighting near white one.. i cant go back.. not even day to day male me! honestly i dont know how you girls handle/(d) switching appearance  while not full time. Have defiantly gone to more andro clothes but make up i cant go out the house now without some on. Oh and found a lipstick i like... gonna try that out tomorrow when Jo's out and about for the second time.

Oh Bra's! found one that fits perfectly - and gives me a cleavage! i'm buying some more of those ones for sure and getting rid of the old ones.

Was wear pink day at work last week for cancer i felt like a goth trick or treating on halloween, even wore bright pink nail varnish.. girls were "wow cool they look nice" guys were like "wtf dude"

Hit a road block with hrt - wife says no. I feel im ready to start now too, trying not to let it get to me and drop mood but ill give her some more time and hope she comes around but im not going to wait forever. Ill give it 6 months max then i need to start thinking about me rarther than just others.

@Shambles

Hi Joanna,

I agree makeup can be addictive - I think its because for us particularly its not just for looking pretty but helping us to pass and walk the path we really want to. Blending in foundation on our face helps us blend into the gender we long to be accepted among.

On the hrt route - I struggle with the idea of having that conversation in case my wife says no - but mostly its because I think the changes for me are likely to be so minimal but in her mind so huge that it seems unfair to not just do it and see if she even notices....It really does seem like if I was to say it my wife she would be thinking - oh your gonna grow boobs like dolly parton etc. When in reality only slightly bigger than the boobs she said I already have..lol
She even asked me recently if I wanted to have boobs to which I nodded but I'm still not sure what will happen in that conversation - I feel like I have to risk just doing it and dealing with the consequences later. Bare in mind I am getting full face hair removed atm and fully dressing in front of her etc so its not a massive stretch to make a few more subtle changes......

Good on you for raising cancer awareness!

Sonja.

Dear Jo and Sonja

I am sorry to read you cannot immediately start HRT. I hope you are both able to resolve with your respective wives or start anyway without informing them if that is your preference. I do not have that problem as I never married.

However I do understand that is so much better to bring your wife along on the journey if she is prepared to in her own time bit OTOH you cannot wait forever.

Wishing you both resolution and happiness.

Hugs

Pamela

Mood very low right now, just been driving along with one hand on seat belt clip thinking about unbuckleig and goig into the barriers. Stoped myself though.

Was ment.to.be a support group meeting tonight.. my 1st one, couldnt sleep at all last.night recon i ended up with 3 hrs  at very  most as couldnt stop thinking about stuff. Had to mess work around to move shifts so i could go. Got there and was another much younger girl there too only to find out it was cancelled and on for next week. I comfirmed it was on last night too as didnt want anything like this happenig. Lieing in bed now thinking im not strong enough for all this and its all just not worth it. Reached out for help / support only to find the rug pulled from under feet.

Your prob going to say get.over it, its a set back. Go next week. But i just dont know anymore. Feels like cant be male or female atm. Screw this world u know

Quote from: Shambles on October 16, 2018, 01:01:52 PM
Mood very low right now, just been driving along with one hand on seat belt clip thinking about unbuckleig and goig into the barriers. Stoped myself though.

Was ment.to.be a support group meeting tonight.. my 1st one, couldnt sleep at all last.night recon i ended up with 3 hrs  at very  most as couldnt stop thinking about stuff. Had to mess work around to move shifts so i could go. Got there and was another much younger girl there too only to find out it was cancelled and on for next week. I comfirmed it was on last night too as didnt want anything like this happenig. Lieing in bed now thinking im not strong enough for all this and its all just not worth it. Reached out for help / support only to find the rug pulled from under feet.

Your prob going to say get.over it, its a set back. Go next week. But i just dont know anymore. Feels like cant be male or female atm. Screw this world u know

@Shambles
Dear Shambles:
Whoa girl, please, oh please, get a hold of yourself...  no acting out your desperation... you have supporters and members and your followers here that are your biggest fans and we are here for you to listen to you venting your frustrations and disappointments and we have shoulders for you to lean on and to cry on if needed.   
WE ARE YOUR BIGGEST FANS and also we will indeed rejoice with you when you report the good news that you experience.

Please hang in there, the road in your journey is certainly exciting, but also there are potholes to navigate through... please continue to share your experiences with us.  Writing about all of these things can be very good personal therapy and can help you to ponder positive solutions to your issues.

Many, many HUGS... and well wishes,
Danielle

Hi Jo,

  Sometime it seems the world is against us doing what we feel we need to do. Things seem to conspire against us. We finally work up the courage to do something and something goes wrong to thwart us. ARRRRRRGG!! you just want to scream or more often now, for me, to cry. Yes it can be hard. But you know something we van get past these disturbing setbacks. It's not the end of the world. There is tomorrow or next week. Sometimes you just have to cast your self adrift and go with the flow until you can do something to change things. But giving up is not an option. You can do it Jo. You will get past these difficulties. I have faith in you Hun.

Hugs,
  Laurie

That's a bummer , not very considerate of the organisers . I joined a group local to me only to have it fold before I got to a meeting. You have come far in your travels , its only a week away and that is a mere blink or a hold up at road works. Stay strong dear, HUGS and XXXs 

Thanks all. Im calmer now

That good to hear, XX

Quote from: Shambles on October 16, 2018, 03:09:36 PM
Thanks all. Im calmer now

@Shambles
Dear Jo:   
This is good news... always try to stay positive about your journey. 
I am a follower of your postings and I am looking forward to reading more about your progress.
Without a doubt, I am hoping that you and your wife can come to some kind of compromise that makes both of you happier....

... in one of my recent reply comments on your thread I had asked about therapy sessions...  are you and her regularly seeing a therapist of any kind?   Also have you considered "couples therapy" ???
These might be good things for you to consider.

Thank you for your "better" and "calmer" reply....  stay strong and stay determined but also stay kind and loving to your wife... this all can be very, very difficult and extremely emotional for the spouse of a transitioner.
Hugs,
Danielle

@alaskan danielle no theropy of any kind. We have been reffered for marrage councilling but theres no form of gender couniling at all. Sorry ment to reply to that one awhile ago x

Quote from: Shambles on October 16, 2018, 05:34:34 PM
@Alaskan Danielle no theropy of any kind. We have been reffered for marrage councilling but theres no form of gender couniling at all. Sorry ment to reply to that one awhile ago x

@Shambles
Dear Jo:
Well, my thought is that any general marriage counseling is much better that NO available specific gender related counseling. 
Certainly from what you mentioned in your postings, couples marriage counseling might help, certainly worth a try in my opinion.   Just my opinion, that is all.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

@Shambles

Hey Joanne,  Hope you're feeling better, Whats your favorite music btw?  Did you strike up a conversation with the other girl who turned up?
Also I think prob message them just before you leave next time to make absolutely sure its all still on.

You'll be alright,

Sonja.

@sonja

Music, love katy perry, lady gaga, pink, george ezra, sam smith and alot of stuff from the 90's early 00's. Didn't speak much with the other girl but a little with her dad, tbh i was nervous as hell and very paranoid about voice. Felt like a bit of an imposter as she was so pretty and fem. I did leave my contact details with the organisers though incase they get in touch and want to talk.

Next meeting is in 5 weeks go i'll try to give it another go then

@Alaskan Danielle

Thank you for the support, would much prefer something related to gender for theropy but we'll see what happens

Big steps this weekend. Im now out to parents, sis and busness partner. Its gone unbelivably well. Wasnt even nervous about mom and dad in the end, on the run up to it kept telling myself its the right time.

Just relived that everything didnt just fall apart

See nothing to worry about , now that's a weight of you shoulders and you must be feeling better about yourself. Keep it up and there will be no stopping you.

Quote from: Shambles on October 21, 2018, 10:31:13 AM
Big steps this weekend. Im now out to parents, sis and busness partner. Its gone unbelivably well. Wasnt even nervous about mom and dad in the end, on the run up to it kept telling myself its the right time.

Just relived that everything didnt just fall apart

@Shambles
Dear Jo:
This is wonderful news....   and it gets easier and easier as you come out to more people...  parents, family and business partners are the very important ones and you have overcome that gauntlet ...  in my own experience it was like a ONE TON weight was taken off of my shoulders and certainly a big mental relief.
Onward toward your goals...

I trust and hope that you and your wife will be able reconcile differences and come to an amicable compromise and solution that will work for both of you...   any luck with setting an appointment with you and her getting together with a couples counselor?

Thanks for your update and for keeping all of your followers tuned into your life journey.
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on October 21, 2018, 04:38:47 PM
@Shambles
Dear Jo:
This is wonderful news....   and it gets easier and easier as you come out to more people...  parents, family and business partners are the very important ones and you have overcome that gauntlet ...  in my own experience it was like a ONE TON weight was taken off of my shoulders and certainly a big mental relief.
Onward toward your goals...

I trust and hope that you and your wife will be able reconcile differences and come to an amicable compromise and solution that will work for both of you...   any luck with setting an appointment with you and her getting together with a couples counselor?

Thanks for your update and for keeping all of your followers tuned into your life journey.
Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

Just got to wait for a letter through the post for it so theres been mo news yet.

Woke up this morrning and lost another lb, 14st 13 now. Weights never started with a 14 in my life. Well before 12 months ago its never startes with a 15 or 16 too but still. Getting closer to the 6 stone mark, its slow going now but not giving up

Congratulations Jo on both counts.

Wonderful that the coming out to your family and business partner went very well.

Glad the weight loss continues.

Hugs

Pamela

Quote from: Shambles on October 22, 2018, 01:14:23 AM
Just got to wait for a letter through the post for it so theres been mo news yet.

Woke up this morrning and lost another lb, 14st 13 now. Weights never started with a 14 in my life. Well before 12 months ago its never startes with a 15 or 16 too but still. Getting closer to the 6 stone mark, its slow going now but not giving up

@Shambles

Hey Joanna,

That's great news about your family and your weight loss, It can make such a positive change to our self esteem to lose weight and feel and see the affects of it.

Keep going!

Happy for you,

Sonja.

@Shambles

Happy Birthday Joanna! - Hope you have a great day! :icon_birthday:

Take care,

Sonja

Quote from: Sonja on October 26, 2018, 04:02:55 PM
@Shambles

Happy Birthday Joanna! - Hope you have a great day! :icon_birthday:

Take care,

Sonja

@Sonja   @Shambles

Dear Sonja:, this is so unfair... you live on the other side of the international date line so you always get to do the birthday greetings a day earlier than I.   

Dear Jo:   Even though it is not October 27th here yet,
I will also wish you a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY a day early.   :icon_birthday:

Hugs and hugs,
Danielle

Thanks ) still 90mins to go ) next year ill get a 25 hour birthday when it falls on the day the clocks go back an hour   ;D

Happy Birthday Jo.

Have a wonderful day and a wonderful year.

I wish you everything you wish yourself.

Hugs

Pamela  xx

Possible male fail last weekend though was just one time. Was in a shop and this bloke kept looking at me, would like to think he was thinking is that a guy or a girl but he could have just been looking at the stuff behind me for all i know  :D

Decovered the power of photo editing ))

(https://i.imgur.com/XxmVDps.jpg)

There she is !!!  Very belated Happy Birthday dearie , XXXXX and  hugs .

Quote from: Shambles on November 03, 2018, 12:49:31 PM
Possible male fail last weekend though was just one time. Was in a shop and this bloke kept looking at me, would like to think he was thinking is that a guy or a girl but he could have just been looking at the stuff behind me for all i know  :D

Decovered the power of photo editing ))

http://imgur.com/a/0FOfPKB

@Shambles
Looking really good in the picture link that you posted... no way could you male-fail looking as feminine as you do... and nice hair and lipstick....
Thank you for sharing...
Hugs,
Danielle

Thanks @Alaskan Danielle & @davina61

The make up was enhanced by a bit of editing but i do like that colour, need to get some ). The umm chest area may or may not have been increased too! It's more of a representation of where i wanna be rather than right now i suppose but defiantly gives me ideas going forward

New scalf and a haircut, its the small things in life  :D

(https://i.imgur.com/HdyRkSg.jpg)

@Shambles
Dear Jo:
Thank you for sharing your new photo... your hair looks great, and your hat and scarf are nice additions to your wintertime warmer clothing. 

Again, thank you for posting and updating all of us.
Best Wishes,
Danielle

Quote from: Shambles on November 05, 2018, 09:43:32 AM
New scalf and a haircut, its the small things in life  :D

(https://i.imgur.com/HdyRkSg.jpg)

Quote from: Shambles on November 05, 2018, 09:43:32 AM
New scalf and a haircut, its the small things in life  :D

(https://i.imgur.com/HdyRkSg.jpg)

@Shambles
Hey Joanna!

Love this photo! very sweet & lovely. I also love the previous BUT I can't decide which one I love the most.....hmmm..slightly different vibe coming from each. But both very cute!

Have you tried doing your makeup to look like the 'digital enhance' ? - I would love to see that! With a bit of practice I reckon you would find a fantastic 'look' the purple tone lipstick goes really well with the turquoise top.

Take care, XO

Sonja.

@sonja No not tried that, been focusing on other things really

It's a year tomorrow that Jo came to the surface and said i'm here, you cant get rid of me this time so suppose it's time to reflect.

I've met new friends along the way but i'm now out too 11 people and want to make that 13 in a few weeks. Fully out at one workplace and management chain know at the other. Most close family know and would like to round that off soon. Coming out to people has gotten less scary and feels more natural.

Looking at pics thoughout the year i can see changes through the months, rather than saying ok what's next to be done the question has changed to what's stopping me going full time and work on those areas. There's still work to be done but its getting there.

Anxiety and stress is still there but guess if it wasn't i'd be ok stopping so we carry on right!

79lbs lost from a target of 126

With the changes so far i've noticed recently as i meet new people on occasion they dont know if im male or female at 1st even when in man mode so i'm seeing that as a positive, it can be quite funny at times at other times its obvious that they clock me as trans in male mode but i'd sooner that than hey your a dude, dude.

All being said, i'm still here, i've not crammed Jo back in a box and i'm still moving forward. Happy birthday for tomorrow Jo!

 :icon_birthday: :icon_dance: :icon_female: :eusa_dance: :eusa_clap: :icon_joy: :icon_flower: Jo! Your signature says you came out one year ago today! How do you want to mark the significance of this day?

Nearly missed this , Happy transversary .XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hey thanks )) you know i remebered about it for weeks and complelty forgot on the day! Was gonna get a little cake and everythin lol

Been down this week? Little things keep making me angry. I know ive made a load of proggress in the last year but cant help thinking its not enough. Sware everyone knows at work, its like a big fat elephant in the room now!

Yes missed my 1 year full time by 6 days. Well if everyone knows is it time to come out and be Joanna at work????

Theres a good chance i wont be there in 6-9 months, kinda trying to put things off but never saying never. Theres also a coulle more things i wanna do aroind appearance before im comfortable enougg to do this. Kinda sounds like im.making ezcuses but im not far off the end of the road when it comes too full time

Got my new glasses this week and wearing them all the time, not gonna keep switching over from new to old. 1st day wearing them at work was Thursday and someone i've known for years came upto me while at my desk (within earshot of 2 others) and basically asked me is everything ok and i am transgender. Was hoping no one would ever ask me that but was expecting someone too sooner or later. Skirted the question and guided it away, didn't comfirm or deny my stance. It was more what i didn't say than said that would tell them stuff but i dont know if they would have picked up on that.

Wrote a draft email that i could use if i wish to come out at work, even if i dont ever use it it was a nice thing to do in order to get things straight in my head. There's something about writing your thoughts down and looking at it after, seeing if it sounds right and true to yourself or picking up the parts that arn't quite right.

Might try and get ppl to use a unisex verson of my male name as a compromise for the time being, some people already use it anyway and would make me feel more comfortable.

I'm now waiting for an appoitment to come through to get hormone tests to see what's going on with me as a pre hrt "male" with boobs, had to avoid GP and come out to the specialists that i see every few months for my eye. I just wanna know what's going on.

Anyway, here's me!

(https://i.imgur.com/NCQXTg9.jpg)

Starting to see me in the mirror now and not a stranger looking back, body's looking female and in my eyes face is a mix of both.

Jo xx

Quote from: Shambles on November 25, 2018, 04:34:26 AM
Got my new glasses this week and wearing them all the time, not gonna keep switching over from new to old.

Yea! Nice!

Quote
1st day wearing them at work was Thursday and someone i've known for years came upto me while at my desk (within earshot of 2 others) and basically asked me is everything ok and i am transgender.

What a challenge!

Quote
Was hoping no one would ever ask me that but was expecting someone too sooner or later. Skirted the question

Great way to put it: "skirted"

Quote
and guided it away, didn't comfirm or deny my stance. It was more what i didn't say than said that would tell them stuff but i dont know if they would have picked up on that.

Wrote a draft email that i could use if i wish to come out at work, even if i dont ever use it it was a nice thing to do in order to get things straight in my head. There's something about writing your thoughts down and looking at it after, seeing if it sounds right and true to yourself or picking up the parts that arn't quite right.

Same here. I love writing, editing, rewriting, putting it aside to edit later, getting feedback, and eventually knowing that it's time to publish/release it because it can't stand to be connected to me any more.

Quote
Might try and get ppl to use a unisex verson of my male name as a compromise for the time being, some people already use it anyway and would make me feel more comfortable.

I've come across a number of people here who did the same thing, and it worked well for them.

Quote
I'm now waiting for an appoitment to come through to get hormone tests to see what's going on with me as a pre hrt "male" with boobs, had to avoid GP and come out to the specialists that i see every few months for my eye. I just wanna know what's going on.

Hooray for the progress!

Quote
Anyway, here's me!

(https://i.imgur.com/NCQXTg9.jpg)

Starting to see me in the mirror now and not a stranger looking back, body's looking female and in my eyes face is a mix of both.

Jo xx

That must be such an important change. So significant. Such a relief to let Joann out! Such happiness to be seeing Joann smiling back at you in the mirror!

Congratulations Jo. You look female to me.

Also I wish you the best of luck with the hormone tests.

Hugs

Pamela

@pamelatransuk thanks )) hard for me to see without hair.

From this angle sure!

(https://i.imgur.com/qdMyCJ0.jpg)

of course you dont see my head  ;D

Hay all, i'm not dead - just been away from susans  ;D

Help here is fantastic and all but there's nothing like trying to limit any outside influences on own mind while going though stuff to make sure it's your own opinion and not something you've picked up from others.

So update.

Weight seams to be stuck again, down 5st 10lb (80lbs) now, finally got GP to give me some hormone tests - that's happening this week, getting alot of ppl thinking they know what's going on now as 38DD is a bit obvious!

Weight's at a point where i wanna start hormones now, just want to know what's going on naturally with me before i mess around with levels.

Finished laser on face, had 12th this weekend. Still need electro but gone as far as i can with the laser.

Not sure how many i'm out too now, its in the area of 25 or so but i'm basically ready to come out to all... not that it'll be a surprise to anyone now. Just got a few things to let family work through 1st as it's gonna be too hard on them right now but hopefully soon.

Been able to identify my big hang ups and where they were blocking me going forward before i can work around them and do things in smaller steps until that point.

Male name now bugs the hell out of me, i've asked everyone openly to switch to a more neutral version of it for now.

Here's my latest faceapp pic (that's a hat that it's decided its hair)
(https://i.imgur.com/0PhFKbI.jpg?1)

Need to do some more recent pics, not really got anything from this year yet.

Progress is being made, still a few big hurdles ahead though.

Hope everyone's ok x x

Hey! [emoji3526].  Glad to hear from you, and that life is progressing.

You're right, as great as Susan's is, taking breaks and revalidating your direction without external influences is a wise move.

Keep on keeping on. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Hello Jo

Nice to hear from you again and glad you have made such progress on Weight and Laser. I wish you luck with Electrolysis and with HRT.

Just in case you haven't seen it, here on Transgender Talk Board is the "UK Meet Up" thread which Emma started December 30th and last updated March 3rd. I believe you attended the Birmingham event in September 2018. You are very welcome to come to this one which is in Manchester on March 16th. I am attending this one as Pamela.

I shall copy this reply in a PM to you just to ensure you know about the Meet Up on 16th.

I assume they will take place bi-annually making the third one in September 2019 in a different geographical region.

Hugs

Pamela  xx

Lookin' FABULOUS there Jo!!!

Well done girl.   ;D

V x

Quote from: Shambles on March 05, 2019, 05:12:40 AM
Hay all, i'm not dead - just been away from susans  ;D

Good news!

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Help here is fantastic and all but there's nothing like trying to limit any outside influences on own mind while going though stuff to make sure it's your own opinion and not something you've picked up from others.

Makes sense. I hope you're feeling more grounded and in tune with yourself.

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So update.

Yes! I'm all ears!

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Weight seams to be stuck again, down 5st 10lb (80lbs) now, finally got GP to give me some hormone tests - that's happening this week, getting alot of ppl thinking they know what's going on now as 38DD is a bit obvious!

Weight's at a point where i wanna start hormones now, just want to know what's going on naturally with me before i mess around with levels.

Finished laser on face, had 12th this weekend. Still need electro but gone as far as i can with the laser.

Not sure how many i'm out too now, its in the area of 25 or so but i'm basically ready to come out to all... not that it'll be a surprise to anyone now. Just got a few things to let family work through 1st as it's gonna be too hard on them right now but hopefully soon.

Been able to identify my big hang ups and where they were blocking me going forward before i can work around them and do things in smaller steps until that point.

Male name now bugs the hell out of me, i've asked everyone openly to switch to a more neutral version of it for now.

Here's my latest faceapp pic (that's a hat that it's decided its hair)
(https://i.imgur.com/0PhFKbI.jpg?1)

Need to do some more recent pics, not really got anything from this year yet.

Progress is being made, still a few big hurdles ahead though.

Hope everyone's ok x x

Great progress! Thanks for the update. I'm celebrating with you 🎉🎊🎉

Great to see you back Jo, and wow you look great!