I have a question I hope doesn't sound too weird. I am in my 50s and have yo-yo-ed far too many times with my transition. I have received therapist notes four times in my life urging doctors to start me on HRT and I've gone every time, only to panic because I worried about loss of family, job, etc. I want to get back to HRT very much - it's odd because it feels like my body craves it somehow - but realize I probably wouldn't transition. I just want to have a body that feels better to me. So the question is, is anyone in the same boat? Older and not going to transition, just doing HRT to shift her body to a place she's comfortable with? It feels weird but at the same time, it's what I think might be best for me. Thanks!
This is exactly what I have been doing for 17 months. I am not married (divorced) and have no kids. I live AMAB during the day at work, but live as a blissful female at home after hours. HRT has caused some pretty profound changes, though. No one knows about what I am doing in privacy, but I have to admit I can really no longer hide the changes as well as I had hoped. I don't know what your hopes are, but you have to think about this since HRT is completely different for everyone (YMMV...a lot!), some much more than others. Yes, I do feel a lot different now than before I started. The body changes can no longer completely be ignored during the day for me, but I am still trying to live "normally" outside home. Home life is wonderful as a female with a new shapely body. Thankfully, I have no driving need to be female away from home...not yet anyway....
If your goal is to completely hide any changes from everyone then after a while that's not really possible without stressing yourself out. On the other hand, if your goal is feel better about yourself and embrace the changes regardless of what clothes you wear and regardless of what anyone might think then its very possible.
As Deborah indicated, a transition isn't a requirement to be on HRT. We have members on the site who have found this to be a solution to their problems and are willing to share their experiences. The following links will take you to them.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,130268.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218060.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,209589.0.html
Since I'm still new here, I can't figure out how to respond to people individually so I hope you all don't mind. First, Shellie, thanks so much for sharing. You are living my dream, quite literally. I'm 12 year's divorced, my kids are grown so it's just me here. Plus, I work at home. So it's a lot of time by myself and I would love to be able to look down and see a body that has the parts I've always wanted. I"d love to keep chatting more...your really are doing what I want to do and I want to find out how great it is. How happy are you with your body changes? How long has it taken? What changes have you seen?
Deborah, my goal is definitely to feel better about myself and bring my body more in line with what I envision. I've realized this is for me, not for anyone else. Took me a while to get to that point but that's why I've decided it might be possible to do HRT and live as me when I get home.
In your initial tread (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228108.msg2022820.html#msg2022820) you received a set of the greeting links. In this links you will find it takes 15 quality posts before you can access your profile and send PMs.
Allanah, I am in the same predicament as u. I had been and still jumping on and off estrogen for family and friends. I don't want to loose any of that. I do however had gotten a more fem body, but I can still past as male. I stopped long enough between medications to let changes revert back a little. I now have some budding breast that kinda show under t shirts. I have to cover up at the pool. The give away for me is the larger nipples.
During winter time, I allow my breast to grow on estrogen alone. Each time I get o estrogen, I push it further by staying in it longer. My body is inching towards a goal I may or may not regret. But when I am dressed, I feel more confident I can pass.
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Quote from: MsAllannah1! on September 07, 2017, 12:04:59 AM
Since I'm still new here, I can't figure out how to respond to people individually so I hope you all don't mind. First, Shellie, thanks so much for sharing. You are living my dream, quite literally. I'm 12 year's divorced, my kids are grown so it's just me here. Plus, I work at home. So it's a lot of time by myself and I would love to be able to look down and see a body that has the parts I've always wanted. I"d love to keep chatting more...your really are doing what I want to do and I want to find out how great it is. How happy are you with your body changes? How long has it taken? What changes have you seen?
Well, as always, be careful what you wish for. I am quite slim and any changes on me are noticeable, which is not a great thing since I am completely closeted. I went from flat to really erect C-cups in about a year on HRT. Probably 80% of my changes have been in aggressive breast growth. My breasts are still growing, so I may end up with D-cups by spring. At that point I know I will not be able to hide anything, no matter how hard I try. Yes, it is nice to sit up from bed in the morning and look down and see the body of a sexy female (I sleep naked). But the downside (one of many actually) is I can no longer sleep in my favorite position (on my stomach) for obvious reasons. I am very limited now in what I can wear in order to hide. I can no longer wear the tight pullover shirts that I loved to wear in the hot summer. I can only wear the more bulky button-ups to try to hide these things (recently had to switch from M to L). I will never be able to go shirtless in any situation such as swimming (which I don't do anyway). I grew large nipples and areolas (like a girl) so my breasts are completely womanly now (I was hoping this aspect would stay unchanged or small, but no luck).
So yes, it is nice to be female when alone. Really nice. But I could write stories here of the embarrassing experiences I have already endured because of these breasts. Once, I entered my dentist office and instantly noticed everyone staring at my chest. Then I couldn't help noticing the constant glances while I waited my turn with the dentist. It was disconcerting to say the least. Later I was standing at a store sales counter and I swear one of the clerks was dying to ask me about my chest (I also have lots of cleavage that is too visible). He kept staring and making it too obvious for comfort. I should not have worn a tight-fit button-up that day. Then along with my tight skinny jeans, I am sure I got the stares (if I had on a pair of my 5" heels, the look would have been complete! :-\). I know everyone sees a somewhat-busty girl walking into the office but are blown by the guy's face and voice. I have to admit I get nervous sometimes, especially knowing these new breasts are permanent. Getting a little more nerve-wracking every day.
Life pretty much gave me the finger with the body shape I was born with. For a guy I was simply too feminine in stature (very long girly legs and small torso) to get along with any group. Growing up like this was misery (my father always accused me of "trying to look like a girl"). As I detailed in earlier posts, I had to deal with a lot of negative names and catcalls. I gave up a few years ago and accepted what I am and just decided to fulfill my need to be a woman. Now I am paying for it big time with all the weird attention and unwanted looks. Great while at home, but tough outside.
All I can say is, please be careful...
Quote from: Shellie Hart on September 07, 2017, 06:31:25 PM
Well, as always, be careful what you wish for. I am quite slim and any changes on me are noticeable, which is not a great thing since I am completely closeted. I went from flat to really erect C-cups in about a year on HRT. Probably 80% of my changes have been in aggressive breast growth. My breasts are still growing, so I may end up with D-cups by spring. At that point I know I will not be able to hide anything, no matter how hard I try. Yes, it is nice to sit up from bed in the morning and look down and see the body of a sexy female (I sleep naked). But the downside (one of many actually) is I can no longer sleep in my favorite position (on my stomach) for obvious reasons. I am very limited now in what I can wear in order to hide. I can no longer wear the tight pullover shirts that I loved to wear in the hot summer. I can only wear the more bulky button-ups to try to hide these things (recently had to switch from M to L). I will never be able to go shirtless in any situation such as swimming (which I don't do anyway). I grew large nipples and areolas (like a girl) so my breasts are completely womanly now (I was hoping this aspect would stay unchanged or small, but no luck).
So yes, it is nice to be female when alone. Really nice. But I could write stories here of the embarrassing experiences I have already endured because of these breasts. Once, I entered my dentist office and instantly noticed everyone staring at my chest. Then I couldn't help noticing the constant glances while I waited my turn with the dentist. It was disconcerting to say the least. Later I was standing at a store sales counter and I swear one of the clerks was dying to ask me about my chest (I also have lots of cleavage that is too visible). He kept staring and making it too obvious for comfort. I should not have worn a tight-fit button-up that day. Then along with my tight skinny jeans, I am sure I got the stares (if I had on a pair of my 5" heels, the look would have been complete! :-\). I know everyone sees a somewhat-busty girl walking into the office but are blown by the guy's face and voice. I have to admit I get nervous sometimes, especially knowing these new breasts are permanent. Getting a little more nerve-wracking every day.
Life pretty much gave me the finger with the body shape I was born with. For a guy I was simply too feminine in stature (very long girly legs and small torso) to get along with any group. Growing up like this was misery (my father always accused me of "trying to look like a girl"). As I detailed in earlier posts, I had to deal with a lot of negative names and catcalls. I gave up a few years ago and accepted what I am and just decided to fulfill my need to be a woman. Now I am paying for it big time with all the weird attention and unwanted looks. Great while at home, but tough outside.
All I can say is, please be careful...
Shelly, I'm curious, what is keeping you from fully transitioning?
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Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 07, 2017, 07:44:36 PM
Shelly, I'm curious, what is keeping you from fully transitioning?
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Pretty simple really. Money and "laziness." My face is just too masculine without major (costly) FFS. Laziness as far as I just don't have an overbearing internal need to go all the way. I have too much going on in my life to spend time and resources on full transition. The story is too long to detail here. I am okay with the way things are in my life as far as being "partially" trans. I live my life as I like at home. That is enough for now...
Shellie --
Thanks SO much for your honesty! Seriously....we sound a lot alike and I'd love to keep chatting about this. I really don't think at this point I'd ever transition either. I just don't have the face for it. I have kids -- they're older, but still -- to not upset. I've never thought of myself as "girly" in any way....the look I desperately want to have in public is more like Joan Jett than Jennifer Aniston. I love skinny jeans, brightly colored Chuck Taylors, funky girls t-shirts and jackets. I just always wanted a body that I felt suited me more but your tale is very cautionary and has given me a lot to think about.....so please, let's stay in touch.
Allannah
Quote from: MsAllannah1! on September 06, 2017, 03:11:37 PM
I have a question I hope doesn't sound too weird. I am in my 50s and have yo-yo-ed far too many times with my transition. I have received therapist notes four times in my life urging doctors to start me on HRT and I've gone every time, only to panic because I worried about loss of family, job, etc. I want to get back to HRT very much - it's odd because it feels like my body craves it somehow - but realize I probably wouldn't transition. I just want to have a body that feels better to me. So the question is, is anyone in the same boat? Older and not going to transition, just doing HRT to shift her body to a place she's comfortable with? It feels weird but at the same time, it's what I think might be best for me. Thanks!
HRT is transition. Electrolysis is transition. Full timing is transition. I get that the world equates genital surgery to transition, but we probably shouldn't.
That said, whatever floats your boat. That may change over time. I was adamantly non-transitioning as recently as 4 years ago.
I guess what I meant by transition was to go full-time. At the moment, as odd as it sounds, I feel like I'd be happy continuing this relatively lonely existence I have now but to do it with a body more to my liking....but you're right, I suppose things can change a lot in the course of treatment.
I didn't think I would surgically transition before I started HRT, and I don't think I ever contemplated HRT before I did electrolysis and went full time.
It's the nature of dominoes to fall. I'm not in the "born this way" camp (although I fully accept that other trans people are)...this was definitely an evolution, if only an evolution in what I was willing to risk to be happy. As Jameson Green says, less like coming out of a closet and more like lighting a series of candles.
YMMV.
Quote from: MsAllannah1! on September 07, 2017, 09:29:10 PM
Shellie --
Thanks SO much for your honesty! Seriously....we sound a lot alike and I'd love to keep chatting about this. I really don't think at this point I'd ever transition either. I just don't have the face for it. I have kids -- they're older, but still -- to not upset. I've never thought of myself as "girly" in any way....the look I desperately want to have in public is more like Joan Jett than Jennifer Aniston. I love skinny jeans, brightly colored Chuck Taylors, funky girls t-shirts and jackets. I just always wanted a body that I felt suited me more but your tale is very cautionary and has given me a lot to think about.....so please, let's stay in touch.
Allannah
One Weird Fact of My Youth: I remember so well as a teenager that I learned to never cross my legs or present a certain leggy-girly posture whenever I wore shorts or tight pants in public. I got the laughs, giggles and comments whenever I did. I was called "Sissy" and "Legs" for years (even though I often tried to act "tough"). My shapely legs (they have no male muscle definition whatsoever) gained me tons of teasing and insults. Even older women made comments. I was nervous then and am more nervous now, I have to admit. I don't know if I will ever get used to my new reality even though I should be used to it by now. I should have been born a girl with this body, but now that I am "transforming" on HRT, I feel really happy about my new look but I have not yet made myself comfortable as I should be whenever I am outside home. I have to wear baggy shirts but I am beginning to resent that because I would like to wear form-fitting attire to show off my new shape. I would just love to dress as I like (well-fitting shirts with skinny jeans) and walk anywhere and not draw undue attention. But I don't like drawing attention to myself, so I am in a pickle, I guess. If I grow another cup size over the winter, I will forever be stuck with super-baggy shirts, I suppose. My life has always been weird, really weird in so many ways.
So, summarizing, it's super nice to have this increasingly feminine shape, but I am reaching the point where I will have to start explaining myself to family and friends. And also put up with the increasingly constant looks and glares from strangers. Again, I can never go public with my transition. I may have to against my will, if that makes sense.
I've been on HRT, full dose and a for real B-Cup for 8 years now
Possible - Yes
Practicable - The jury is still deliberating
Thanks for sharing, Joanne! I really appreciate it. Just curious....how do you keep your B cup hidden? Seems like that would be hard to do over a long period of time. Although that's essentially my plan, to hide what I pray will be a D cup!
Quote from: MsAllannah1! on September 09, 2017, 09:41:42 PM
Thanks for sharing, Joanne! I really appreciate it. Just curious....how do you keep your B cup hidden? Seems like that would be hard to do over a long period of time. Although that's essentially my plan, to hide what I pray will be a D cup!
Being a former fatty I always wear baggy clothes, in male mode. For work that is a loose baggy dress shirt, not fitted. Knocking around at home mostly the same. On days when I am actually warm to hot, I do have tee shirts. I were getting the occassional, "You should put on a different top your tits are showing" from my wife. I think she either stopped noticing or stopped saying anything as I haven't heard it in a while.
I know with the "add a cup" bras I wear in the winters under my thermals the girls are still not really noticeable, unless you know what to look for and are looking, as in being super self conscious. Any surgery for me is a toss up between a BA or abdominoplasty. Something for what I like more of, or something I want a lot less of, or both, shift that extra 10 pounds someplace usefull
I don't try to hide anything regardless of what "mode" I am in. I am happy with myself and what somebody else thinks is their problem. It seems mentally counterproductive to go to all the trouble of HRT and virtually eliminating dysphoria only to add another stress about trying to hide myself.
What I have found is either that nobody cares or that at least they aren't going to make an issue of it. So it doesn't cause any problems.
Quote from: Deborah on September 10, 2017, 07:59:00 AM
I don't try to hide anything regardless of what "mode" I am in. I am happy with myself and what somebody else thinks is their problem.
Gotta agree!! I've been '
transitioning' for over 40 years but life just continues to '
get in the way'. First was my parents (living situation), then job career, marriage, kids (and divorce) now it's '
grandbabies', two in-house as we speak.
Am 'out' if anyone cares to 'look it up'. Same Judge my 'ex' tried to shame me in front of eventually gave me 'full custody' of the kids. Surpressed my urge to 'crossdress', luv it when people mistake me for ma'am ;)
Like Deborah says "
your bad not mine"!
I'm probably going through the same boat myself. I'm in my late 40s and I won't be nearly as passable or ever passable as my avatar pict. Being on hrt is calming the GD which is paramount for me. I know some feminization will occur. It won't be unwanted, but time will tell if it will be enough for a full transition. I don't plan on hiding anything, just don't plan on being overly open.
Quote from: Bari Jo on September 10, 2017, 10:26:00 PM
I'm in my late 40s . . .
Bari Jo I remember my 'late forties' you pick your moments can be lots of fun.
Could tell you stories. As a senior employee for major airline (same as BeverlyAnn now retired) my nickname was 'ponytail' and, with uniforms being the same, from a distance was mistook for either gay or female more often than not.
A fellow 'old grump' approuched me one day exclaiming "Hey <lastname> why don't you cut your hair!" "You look like a girl!" to which I replied "As long as I don't look like an
ATTRACTIVE GIRL to YOU what does it matter, why do you care??"
lol He shutup after that . . . A new, young black girl was very rude, silent toward me because she thought I was 'gay' until I told her I had '
kids & a family' we became best co-workers after that . . . Most people, when you finally declare 'the truth', find it quite amusing & are accepting to say the least.
Two big black guys I regularly worked with (on Tuesdays I think) busted out laughing one day when a 'new girl' was assigned to help until I insisted
""Hell no I'm the only girl on this pier""Apparently I only confirmed what they were thinking all along. We used to work like
dogs at 6'0' 160lbs I was in the best shape of my life. I retired from that job at 52, took 4-5 years off home with the kids and now I drive the most beautiful classic truck, fast becoming unique
just like us!!!
Cheers
Quote from: Bari Jo on September 10, 2017, 10:26:00 PM
I'm in my late 40s and I won't be nearly as passable or ever passable as my avatar pict.
Yer kidding, right? Your profile pic is beautiful.
I was the same early on in my transition, then I learned a neat trick. Every day, I would look at myself in the mirror, and encourage myself aloud.
I've said this a gazillion times, we are our worst critic. We look for faults, we want to critique every aspect.
I can tell you, one day you'll believe it.
Another thing, and I believe it, its you that needs to convince you're beautiful...not necessarily what others think.
Quote from: NJOttawa on September 11, 2017, 05:10:01 AM
Yer kidding, right? Your profile pic is beautiful.
Bari Jo! LOL I tried that "FaceApp" put yours back!! As Nina says
Your as beautiful as you feel!!
Smoke too much need more help than that (always hated 'selfies", never learned 'the nack"!!)
Yoyo-ing is bad for your mental state, it becomes all consuming.
I took a calculated risk going on HRT. Mentally I'm in a better place, I can focus on what's actually important to me, rather than fighting my body day in, day out.
Weigh up the advantages and disadvantages - don't worry so much about the family, unless you suddenly get a hankering to show up in a mini and 8" stilettos at the next family gathering, they will tend to see what they want to see unless you choose to take your shirt off.
Well, there is a SLIGHT temptation to slip on the stilettos and skirt but that won't be happening for a while! Not sure I have the legs for it and I'm sure I don't have the face for it. Still, as I read everyone's responses, I do feel better thinking that maybe I can just be me for me. Maybe I transition. Maybe I don't. Maybe I can grow boobs. Maybe I can't. But anything is better than the stress of doing nothing, I suppose. Although that's where I continue to end up.
Quote from: Kiera on September 11, 2017, 07:01:43 AM
Bari Jo! LOL I tried that "FaceApp" put yours back!! As Nina says Your as beautiful as you feel!!
Smoke too much need more help than that (always hated 'selfies", never learned 'the nack"!!)
Thanks, I think. I just switched back to the non faceapp pict that I'm comfortable with. I prefer the other as it helps me have a goal. It seemed to confuse others as they thought the faceapp was my true self.
Quote from: MsAllannah1! on September 11, 2017, 09:34:27 AM
Still, as I read everyone's responses, I do feel better thinking that maybe I can just be me for me. Maybe I transition. Maybe I don't. Maybe I can grow boobs. Maybe I can't. But anything is better than the stress of doing nothing, I suppose. Although that's where I continue to end up.
It is better than that stress. After 2 plus years on HRT I don't wear dresses and I don't wear much makeup. I don't feel like my old self is dead but rather that my real self is complete and at peace. I don't present female nor do I present male but rather I present as
myself. That people often assume that self is female now just makes me happy. I feel good, I look good (at least to myself), and my mind is now free to focus on important things rather than simply being mired in a constant morass of dysphoria. To those who say I'm damned I say "not until you have walked a mile in my shoes." There is nothing to lose with this but only something to find. :)
Quote from: rmaddy on September 07, 2017, 10:58:01 PM
HRT is transition. Electrolysis is transition. Full timing is transition. I get that the world equates genital surgery to transition, but we probably shouldn't..
This is so very true. Unfortunately, I find myself being guilty of this all the time. But doing anything along these lines really is transitioning.
TBH - I view view "TRANSITION" just as the dictionary does.... To Change. If I decide to no longer be that lifeless, soulless, "THING" I grew into fighting the GD and be proactive, do what needs to be done to Manage My Condition, then call it what you want.
Transition?
Being Realistic?
Being True To Myself? Doing What I Need To Do?
I've been on HRT for a good 8 years now. I still live and present as male. I still hold on to all the other very important aspects of my life that make me, ME. I have Transitioned. I AM Transitioning. I was a miserable person. I now know and experienced Joy. I am learning who I am, for Real.
I Transitioned.... From being a miserable wretch of a person, to a for real self-actuated person
I always wondered about this when I first started as well. I'm 5'7, under 140 lbs, in my late 30's, been on hrt for 2.5 years, and had ffs. Yet, I still live as a male and have no plans for a social transition. I'm not exactly sure how I am viewed but I never get any weird looks or stares so I am guessing that's a sign.
I didn't have any plans of public transition when I first started HRT 17 months ago at the age of 53, but I've been getting "male failed" way too often lately, and I think the time has come to go fully public. The hormones have restyled my face to the point that the only FFS I am contemplating is a nose job and maybe having my brow ridges burred down and my eyebrows lifted. Eyelid surgery would be nice too, but is more about looking younger than passing. And my body has gotten absolutely curvy -- 38B-29-37, 5'7" 160#.
On a recent trip to Vegas I spent three days en femme and one day butched up for the benefit of some in laws I am not out to.
I got a lot of stares when I was butched up, particularly when I used the men's restrooms, which I was forced to do by circumstance -- couldn't walk into a ladies' room with my in laws watching or its game over.
On the other hand, on the days I was en femme, no one stared at me or even noticed me, and whenever I interacted with anyone I was treated as completely female. I used womens' restrooms the whole time I was en femme, with no problems, no looks, except for one time early in the trip when I used my voice (which is a little husky for a girl) a little too loudly.
It is impossible to predict how effective the hormones are going to be on a person, but since I started HRT primarily to end an 11 year long series of panic attacks that almost left me housebound, getting to live as a woman is a wonderful bonus for me.
I'm 55 and I've been on low dose for a year and a half. My breasts are growing. I'm a definite B on the left side not so much on the right. I'm getting worried by next spring the t-shirts will be showing too much but I dare not stop. The HRT has saved my sanity and I simply love the feel of my breasts and body now.
Not sure where this is going to lead me but it does seem I may have to come out to the world at some point.
I'm 61 and I've been on hrt for about 5 months. I'm really doing this so I feel more complete. Just knowing that I'm more feminine in my body and mind from the hrt is enough for me at this point. Though I think that may change as I progress. My wife is supportive and as my body changes has helped me along my own journey. She isn't against me becoming a woman. Time will tell. If I gain more family acceptance I most likely would transition entirely. Until I am comfortable with that, I'll be happy in male mode.
Smiles, Jessica 💁
This is something I am considering. I know I will never pass without FFS. But it is so expensive. I hope I will be just happy with what HRT can give me.
I started a low dosage of HRT back in the spring. I didn't want to immediately transition but wanted to experience feminine hormones in my body, buy some time before coming out to family and while completing job contract. I hoped that HRT would quell the dysphoric storm to allow me to function as normally as possible. After reading many of the posts on Susan's about the emotional calm that results I was hopeful/expectant that I would experience the same. I didn't experience the emotional calming that I hoped for - perhaps the dosage was too low. But I was experiencing physical effects - loss of some weight, less oily skin, loss of male body odor, and budding of my breast. The budding was sufficient that I was beginning to be careful with what shirts I wore. So my biggest emotional response was to the physical changes that I was experiencing. Rather than buying me time, the HRT was accelerating my desire toward full transition. A family crisis, and fear that the physical changes might expose me caused me to stop HRT. The experience revealed to me that I could probably not sustain HRT and not transition - a revelation of sorts. So I proceed for the moment constraining the dysphoria with work and over commitment. Probably not the healthiest thing.
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