Can we please be real for a minute or two about dating? Has anyone ever actually had luck finding anyone that they would want to be with that genuinely wants to be with them when all that is afforded to them is online crap, because there's no such thing as a lgbtq community where you live outside of one on campus group specifically and only for the students who attend that college? I'm not like permanently crying or kicking the walls scratching at my skin with anger or anything else so dramatically needy, but for real my life does seem something of a waste in regards to my happiness. Like man this is MY life and I'm somehow the one in it that's the least important. It's supposed to me my story, but honestly htf could it be any story when there are no other characters and nothing positive ever even happens?? And online dating is all bull>-bleeped-< cuz everyone has the attention span of a gnat and refuses to make a move or just straight up is the size of three people and says >-bleeped-< in their bio like "will have sex for weed" like fr wtf?? Or just the simple pain of not knowing how to sign in to any account cuz the "are you male or female" decides for you who you'll get matched with cuz it's either auto male+female only OR auto female+female only and it's kinda like "hmm will I lie and say I'm a woman so that I'll be paired with lesbians but will hate myself because my gender is basically being invalidated rn and I'm doing it, but If I click male I either still somehow only manage to get straight cis guys assuming I'm a chick, or the only people who ever message me are people asking if I'm really a dude. It's like nmw I say I still only get dudes messaging me. Even if I set blocks up somehow they still get in. And don't even get me started on OKC cuz everyone there is either obese or a hipster. FR WTF is a guy to do about meeting anyone ever Especially when he's yet non-op cuz of stuff outside his control. I don't want anyone playing like they know better and can fix my problems by giving me advice to fix me or saying "hey boo just do you" nah. I just want to hear about your experiences. This is my little rant peep show into the crap of my life and head space. Use it as a door please and be real for a minute or two about what's gone on with you in regards to the dating world, because I gotta know the truth on if I'm the only lonely jo who seems to be taking a backseat in his own life playing as a pimple on the earth's inner ass cheek. I'm chaffing fr and it's to the point where I'm constantly wondering what other people's lives are like in this department.
Welcome to Susan's Place. While I haven't had first hand experience with dating, many of our members have. The report that sometimes it is difficult to find a partner but it is doable. In addition, some of our member have very long term relationships that are still going. They mention that OK Cupid is the site they tend to use but they are careful what they put in their profile and then are careful and weeding out the rejects. I am unsure of your age but most of the people are dealing with ages 30 and above. If you are young, the problem could be that the people your age are still dating in person and just haven't moved to online yet.
We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
i don't consider dating an option for myself because anyone who meets me will see me as a girl, and that's going to shape their feelings. i don't want someone interested in a version of me that looks like a girl. i also don't want someone who's not interested in physical appearance and claims to like me "for my personality". so i'll wait until i've been treated long enough to be able to say that the "me" everyone sees is actually me, and we'll see how it goes from there.
I always avoided the seeking process and got to know people through activities, pastimes, trips, work, academia, whatever. I never set out to find someone, and was usually actively trying not to. But I met a lot of people and interactions tend to happen organically, I know them first so I know if they're actually nuts or not beforehand before getting involved. Yes, even now after the transition process has begun, I get people who are interested. In fact I've had more crawl out of the woodwork lately and put the feelers out which is pretty weird. And yes, they "know" about me. At this point I have two acquaintances who keep hitting me up as well, one of them is something of an old flame. By popular opinion this person should be running for the hills, except they're not. The other one is outright declaring their intentions, but I have no interest in casual/temporary hook-ups and I know that's what that particular one wants.
I can't say I'm looking for someone, I'm still in the process of dealing with a ten-year relationship that may or may not be still on for a while and I like to be loyal while I at least consider myself attached to a person. I have no idea what the future holds there, but my policy of being just gregarious has always "paid off" in terms of having spent a grand total of ...maybe a year and a half single in my whole independent adult life. There's always been someone. Which sounds weird to type because I'm actually more of a loner type than someone who requires another person to feel complete.
I doubt I'll ever try and date through dating sites at any point. Too random, too much unknown for me. It's more fun to just get to know people casually first and see what happens in my opinion. It gives plenty of opportunity to find out how they feel about the "goods", in whatever way you want to approach it.
I knew when I started my transition that it would be very unlikely that I would ever be involved in any romantic relationship again. I identify as a woman, lesbian (blue jean femme) and transgender person, and I am in my early 60s. Statistically that is a pretty poor combination for potential romance.
GLAAD's Accelerating Acceptance 2017 survey, like the 2013 Pew survey, shows only a small portion of the lesbian community in my age bracket is open to dating a transgender woman, and an even smaller fraction would be willing to enter a longer term relationship. The odds are slightly better for being accepted by a transgender bisexual woman. The odds that I will encounter either such person, and who further actually takes an interest in me and I in them, is vanishingly small.
I understood this going in. I'm OK with that. I'm still going ahead with GCS, as I need it to feel correct and complete within myself. I think I can still find peace and joy within myself even without the possibility of romantic love in my future. The tradeoff to have my life and sanity is still worthwhile.
I just need to find a place where I can have pet cats. :)
Hi Malcior!!!...and, welcome to the forum
Very early into my transition in 2013, I knew I wanted to try going out with a guy after a lifetime of relationships with women. I signed up on several of the TG/CD specific dating sites and was quite surprised with the amount of responses I received. As you can imagine... Much of it was a little crude and not all that welcome but, amongst all of it, I found a few that that were nice!!!... Not only secure with who they were, but secure with the attraction they felt to me as an "unconventional woman." They approached me in a respectful manner, shared themselves honestly through what they wrote me and I did the same.
There was one in particular with whom I seemed to share a lot of common ground and lived just two hours north... We met in person and all has gone well ever since... He is a wonderful supportive man who was with me through the whole process of facial procedures, GRS etc.... We were married last September and couldn't be happier... His large family was totally welcoming and I now have a step daughter so may get to be a grandma one of these days!!!
My story, I believe, might be outside the norm... I know it can be a tough world for us on all fronts but especially out there sometimes on the dating scene....I am writing this because I want it out there that sometimes it works out!!!.. And...in ways you never saw coming!!!... You need to move into things with confidence in who you are and knowing you have a place in this world just like everyone else. Move ahead with respect for yourself, for others and with hope!!!
When I decided to transition, I knew I had to so that I could live MY life but I suspected my decision was also going to lead down a very sad and lonely path. Happily, I was wrong!!!
One interesting aspect of all this as the way my attraction morphed... I found as transition progressed that my attraction to females melted away... When I looked at a woman who I might have previously been attracted to, I found myself experiencing mostly just envy...("wish I had her hair, skin, eyes etc...) A transwoman friend put forward a theory that resonated with me immediately... That what I had always thought was a healthy attraction to women was on some level, hero worship... As I thought about the greatest relationships of my life... I think she was right...on some level, I wanted to be those women!...
Onward we go!!!
Ashley :)
Hi, and welcome! :)
You want us to be real? OK, I'll be real. I can see from your post that you're hurt & frustrated, but if you want your situation to change then you're the only one with the power to fix it. Getting frustrated isn't going to solve anything... it's only going to eat you up inside. Adult relationships take a lot of time & effort to maintain, so you have to be prepared to put in the long hours if you want a long-term partner. This is difficult for everyone.
After deciding to transition, I spent a year being pre-T and it took four years to get to the point where I felt comfortable enough to date, so I simply didn't date anyone during that time. I owned my own problem: I knew I couldn't attract gay men until I was the sort of guy they wanted, so I did everything in my power to fix that. I've been back on the dating scene since last October and I'm upfront about my plumbing with any guys I want to get serious with: I have a great deal to offer as a potential partner, so if something as trivial as my plumbing is a deal-breaker for them then I don't want to waste my time with them!
You don't mention how you identify, what age group you're in, or where you live. I'm going to have to make some assumptions based on the content of your post, so I'm guessing you're FtM, quite young, probably American based on your spelling & grammar, and attracted to women. Please correct me if I'm wrong on any of those. You're very fortunate if you're attracted to women: they tend to be more open-minded than men when it comes to the people they date. I know several straight trans guys IRL whose partners identify as lesbian, and whose relationships predate and survived their transition because those women realised that it wasn't a deal-breaker for them. So if you have identified as a lesbian, you can still move in those circles for as long as you're welcome to do so, and who knows? perhaps a partner might turn up. But for every straight trans guy with a lesbian partner, there are dozens whose partners have always identified as straight, so statistically speaking you're better off looking for a straight (or bi/pan) girlfriend. It's the same with gay trans guys: most of our partners have always identified as gay and have never dated women.
So if you're a trans guy, your gender is male. Which means you shouldn't be ticking a 'female' box on any dating sites because you're not female! And you shouldn't pretend to be female on these sites so you can actively target lesbians because - surprise! - lesbians go there looking for women and you are not a woman. Instead, be honest about who you are, and the right person will come along. OKC is particularly good for this in that you can specify that you're trans, and you can specify that you don't want to see men in your matches. If a dating site requires you to identify in a way you're not comfortable with, or if it forces you to find the wrong kind of partner, then simply don't use that site. Stick with the ones that let you be you. There are people out there who are kind, loving and accepting. It just takes time to find them.
But here's the thing: a small minority of straight men on dating sites (and IRL, for that matter) play a numbers game in trying to find their next conquest. They have zero respect for women and will hit up any and every woman they come across, simply to increase their chances of getting laid. So if you've ticked a 'female' box, you're guaranteed to get random guys hitting you up simply because they hit up every female they come across in the hopes that one of them will say 'yes'. There's the problem that some people have no idea what 'trans guy' means or that we even exist. So even if you go to all the trouble of clearly marking in your profile that you're a trans guy, you will get the occasional knucklehead who is actively looking for trans women to date and who will hit you up because he doesn't understand the difference. Setting your profile to exclude male matches can help, but it's always possible for the occasional inappropriate match to slip through the net. Simply block & delete, report if appropriate, and move on.
TL;DR: if you feel you aren't getting the dates you want either because of the way you present or the sites you're using, it's up to you to change these things.
Its possible. I've successfully dated since transition and have been seeing the same guy for about 6 months. I'm also married and have dated within the poly relationship for years before that. I think two major things come to mind:
One, you don't always meet people in the typical ways and places. I have a good friend that met her future husband on Tinder but that is a huge numbers thing. It is better to get to know people through friends, community participation, etc etc.
Two, Sometimes our expectations are unrealistic in any number of ways. Ideals, looks, compatibility on the surface, etc. Things may not be as they seem initially. Sometimes you become friends first and the magic happens later.