So last week my husband told me he is transgender. We have been married 15 years, with three kids, and are trying for another. (33 so the eggs are getting old) I'm not really sure what to think. I know he wants to go on hormones asap, but we have both agreed to wait till Feb to talk about it, and summer to get on them since we are trying to conceive.
My biggest thing I'm worried about is if I will still find my spouse attractive if/when she starts taking hormones. The hormones really scare me, I keep reading so many bad stories about them. I don't want to lose the person I've been with the last 15 years. I also don't want to lose our sex life.
I don't know if I should to be upset, or care. So far it really hasn't bothered me.
Tomorrow we are going on our first date as a girl couple.
Does it get harder after knowing? What is the hardest part to deal with?
Hi senterkitten, welcome to Susan's Place! We're glad you sought us out. The person is going to change, but they'll still be a person. The sex life is going to change, but it will still be a sex life. I always hear good things about hormones, what have you heard?
Hugs, Devlyn
Mostly from other women, saying it changes the person, brings on more temper tantrums, stuff like that. I like my life to stay drama free.
Welcome to Susan's Place. Hormones primally cause us to become more comfortable with ourself thus happier. We have many who are married on the site and most of the time their greatest hope is that they can remain with their spouse and their family. Unfortunately, often the spouse is uncomfortable with the changes and seeks a divorce. We understand the spouse being uncomfortable with this however we do our best to keep couples together whenever possible. If there is anything we can help you with, let us know.
A Cautionary Note:This is a public forum so please remember when posting that
The Internet Never Forgets, and the various web crawlers and archival sites out there may retain information that you post.
We cannot ensure that any information you share on the site will be protected from public view and/or copying or reproduction. This warning is also listed in the Terms of Service listed below.
If you give out personal information on Susan's you are responsible for any consequence.
I also want to share some links with you. They include helpful information and the rules that govern the site. It is important for your enjoyment of the site to take a moment to go through them
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) |
Quote from: senterkitten on September 18, 2017, 07:19:12 PM
Mostly from other women, saying it changes the person, brings on more temper tantrums, stuff like that. I like my life to stay drama free.
Gotcha. I started hormones at 55. I recently made a topic about how long we should stay on teenage
hormone levels after the work of feminizing the body was done. I don't want to throw tantrums and
cry at the drop of a hat. Buuuuut, I seem to be almost alone in that line of thought! :laugh:
Here's the thread: Hormones and well, old age (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,225720.0.html)
Hugs, Devlyn
I'm not going to suggest that Hormones don't change a person, but not necessarily in a bad way.
For me it's helped with my parents ADHD, Iv developed a greater range of emotions, I'm 100% happier and a lot more calm and less likely to get angry.
Not to say there hasn't been bumps along the way. With a new range of emotions comes learning how to deal with them, I wouldn't call them tantrums but learning how to cope with say spontaneous crying wasn't something I mastered overnight.
Transitioning is a journey for you both and it's how you work threw the inevitable bumps as a team that is really important
The effects of hormones on sex drive vary greatly from person to person so it's not something that has a simple answer because there are so many different experiences.
For me when I started on T blockers without E (which is not a particularly common approach) mine went away entirely it was a long 6 months. But once we added E it has come back, it's different now because the emotional connection is really important but the hormones haven't meant the end for our sex life, if anything I would say it has made it more intimate.
That's just my experience like I said hormones will have different effects on different people but it isn't necessarily going to be all bad.
-Mara
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Hi Senterkitten, I too am a SO. My husband figured out 2 1/2 years ago that she is transgender and we have been on the rollercoaster of crazy as we have transitioned from man and wife to life-partners. Today is the first time I have referred to her as husband in over a year and it really seems strange as I have seen her as female ever since she started hormone therapy. We are in a different place then you because we are both in our 60s and child bearing and raising is way behind us but I might have some insight for you about relationship. We have been married almost 34 years. Have two sons who were 8 and 4 when we got married and 8 grandchildren, all who accept and love Grandma T. Maybe even more then they loved Pappy.
Hormones will change a person... What that means is going to be different for each person out there. I know that with menopause came many changes in me and when we are pregnant.. well just think about the mood swings. Men deal with the hormone crazies too, depending on where their testosterone levels are. I want to say that in our case the change was for the better. She is sensitive and caring and can cry at the drop of a hat and I think I love her even more than I did. He was a wonderful man but as I look back at what I saw that drew me to him were characteristics that were more feminine than masculine. My Mom says that the old person I was married to was likable but standoffish. The word she uses now to describe her new daughter is delightful. I attribute her change to the hormones.
As I read back over what I have written, I realize it sounds very Pollyanna-ish and I don't want you to think that there were no ups and downs because it has been at times a nightmare and at other times the most pleasant dream you could ever wish for and it is constantly changing. Sometimes there is drama and other times we just live life. The biggest key to a successful relationship is truthful communication. Best of luck to you both. It's a scary ride that your on but it can also be the beginning of a wonderful life. Remember for the relationship to work you must both go through change. That's the way life rolls.
Debi
Hello, I'm the life partner in question here. I call my little self centered kitten (that's how she got her Nick name) Faith.
Faith, you know I'll always Love you. No matter how the hormones affect me I'll do anything I can to maintain our relationship, but realize I'll need you to be patient with me. I love you, always and forever.
Quote from: senterkitten on September 18, 2017, 06:44:57 PM
So last week my husband told me he is transgender. We have been married 15 years, with three kids, and are trying for another. (33 so the eggs are getting old) I'm not really sure what to think. I know he wants to go on hormones asap, but we have both agreed to wait till Feb to talk about it, and summer to get on them since we are trying to conceive.
My biggest thing I'm worried about is if I will still find my spouse attractive if/when she starts taking hormones. The hormones really scare me, I keep reading so many bad stories about them. I don't want to lose the person I've been with the last 15 years. I also don't want to lose our sex life.
I don't know if I should to be upset, or care. So far it really hasn't bothered me.
Tomorrow we are going on our first date as a girl couple.
Does it get harder after knowing? What is the hardest part to deal with?
Quote from: AshleyPixune on September 19, 2017, 12:27:56 AM
Hello, I'm the life partner in question here. I call my little self centered kitten (that's how she got her Nick name) Faith.
Faith, you know I'll always Love you. No matter how the hormones affect me I'll do anything I can to maintain our relationship, but realize I'll need you to be patient with me. I love you, always and forever.
I don't know that I can talk about this without including that declaration of love from AshleyPixune
I have been married for 33 years and began my transition 2 years ago and HRT about 18 months ago...the relationship between my wife and I has changed...its gotten closer and deeper...the relationship with my 2 adult children has grown stronger and closer.
Have we had some difficulties with a 53 year old teenage girl in the house?...yes there have been some tears both unnecessary and necessary...I am very different person in terms of happiness and how that translates on an everyday basis. I struggle with all the same kinds of questions and daily problems that life throws at me but I now do it with calm and grace but without the constant "head noise" that I had prior to transition.
It can be a strange and wonderful journey but much of that is down to how you see life. ;)
Hi Senterkitten, I'm new to all this too, and if you read my other posts, I'm really not coping very well at all. My OH hasn't gone down the hormone route yet, just at the thinking about it stage. We are communicating a lot at the moment (he kept it secret for about 2 years, and in that 2 years we had no sex at all) and in the last couple of weeks our sex life has got amazing again. Go figure. He doesn't present as female, and doesn't want to - he's happy with the underwear and shapewear and slightly androgynous stuff. I'd be happy if it stays that way. I'm currently looking for counselling - are you and your husband talking to anyone? Everyone will tell you that counselling is important.
It sounds like he loves you very much, as does my guy. He says he won't do anything to risk losing me.
Good luck in the journey
S xxx
I am in a similar position. My spouse of 20 years told me he (he's still using male pronouns) was transgender about 3 months ago (though he's known for at least 10 years).
First thing, for every bad story you read you can find a good one and vice versa. You can skew the narrative in either direction by choosing the right stories. The problem is, you shouldn't skew the narrative because those stories aren't YOU and your story hasn't unfolded yet. I often find the temptation to read more is powerful because I deal with stress and uncertainty by trying to become more informed and feeling prepared. But in this case, I need to keep reminding myself that you can't be prepared for all this and trying to hard can be detrimental. If you make assumptions about how you will feel about things like attraction or changes in your spouse or changes to your relationship, you might close yourself off to just experiencing them without bias and then DISCOVERING how you actually feel. I have been very surprised so far in a good way and realize that many of my worries have been unfounded, so I used precious energy worry for nothing.
Save that energy because even if everything goes as well as possible, it will likely be physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting!
For me, the first 2-4 weeks were hardest because there is a lot to process at once. But once the dust started to settle, we have found ourselves in a nicer place. You asked if it was harder after knowing? That is a tough question to answer. Was it easier when I was completely oblivious to my spouse's condition? Well, in some ways maybe. But if I had to be honest, he wasn't very nice then and I was beginning to think our marriage was falling apart and unsalvageable. I had no idea why so I couldn't "fix it". Since he told me, he has done a 180 and has become a kinder person. We communicate better. We are more honest. I feel like we are allies now instead of adversaries. We are WAY more physically affection and intimate. I mean I can't really say I'm GLAD he is transgender, but I am happier with where we are now than where we were.
The hardest part for me is living with all that uncertainty looming overhead. I still have worries about how I will feel or how we will evolve as different things happen. I think the trick is to quickly acknowledge and then let go of those future worries so they aren't overwhelming to the present. It is not easy and it IS exhausting. One trick I have been doing is keeping a running list of my worries. It allows me to acknowledge them and I am less overwhelmed when I see them in a list. Plus, I go back to it every now and then and cross off the ones that have been addressed and/or are no longer worries. It makes me feel like we are progressing in the right direction and reminds me that not every bad thing I hear is going to come to fruition.
A good therapist that specializes in gender issues is indispensable. We go to the same one together and we each see her individually. It would probably help if you had someone to talk to besides your spouse - whether it is a friend (in person, by phone, or online) or a support group (in person or online). For us the big three are communication, kindness, and honesty. We are going very slow and my spouse discusses everything with me before he does anything so I don't get any surprises. We feel like we're in this together which I think has been benefiting us both. Someone else on here said their therapist had them make a wish list to share with their CIS spouse who would then work with them to regulate the pace so it worked for both of them. Seemed like a good plan.
If you are worried about the sex changing, be proactive and start exploring ways to change it that you both like. It will give you a leg up (no pun intended) if the hormones make certain ways you were doing it more difficult :)
Thank you for your input. I guess I have a lot to figure out.