I'm a girl. I always have been, and I feel okay being a girl I guess. I mean I would If I wasn't around other people. I'm really not sure what to feel. For years I have wanted to wake up in a boy's body, and strongly questioned my gender when I was about twelve years old. When I was little, six or seven, I would tell the other kids (mainly boys who didn't want to play with me because of my gender) that I was a boy on the inside and only just looked like a girl. I still believe this to be true, although to maybe a lesser extent. I just mostly hate being perceived as a girl. My step-brother has groped me on multiple occasions which caused me to feel even less secure in my body. I also have started riding the bus from school and have started seeing an increase in the number of catcalls, even with my backpack on people still find the need to ask "if I want a ride". Everything in my life seems to be going downhill, and feeling this way has really not helped. I don't know what to think. I would rather be precised as male. I feel like a lot of my insecurities come from a place of needing validation. My step-brother hasn't touched me in over a year due to my outburst at the last instance. I am older then him by two years and have felt completely humiliated because of it. I feel like he is my younger brother, and it doesn't matter that I am his "older sister" because I am a female. I am an object. I can't help but objectify other girls around me too, looking quite strongly at their appearance and basing some of my opinion of them off that. My dad bought my step-brother and I electric toothbrushes for Christmas last year and never set them up. I finally set mine up a couple of weeks ago, and fortunately he didn't get mad at me for doing so. But when he went down to set up my step-brothers brush he told me that I had chose the wrong brush. I told him I wanted the dark blue one, so he asked my step-brother if he "wasn't upset with having the more girly color". He does the same thing with almost everything we get together. My stuff is always brighter or pink, and my brother's is always darker or blue. I hate it. It's humiliating, as if it's somehow "less" to be feminine. Because it truly is. My friends haven't helped with my self esteem, I started wearing darker clothes and could no longer fit in with the standards my old group. My new friends told me when I started hanging out with them that they were surprised with the way I acted. They thought I was "stuck up" "shallow" and "air-headed". I told them then that the outfit I was wearing (Literally jeans and a men's flannel I got for $2) I wore almost every day. I had no make-up on and had rolled out of bed that very morning. They responded by saying things like "wow you have no make-up on?" I hate looking like I do. But at the same time when I feel like I look bad I feel worthless. That's why I just wish I could be a guy, I wouldn't be a sexual object if I looked okay. I would be a stud. But I also present super feminine, I have a great deal of anxiety and so I guess I see why I might appear stuck up because I get nervous and have difficulty talking to people. I am always made fun of for it. People treat me like I'm super girly because I am shy. Also because I don't sleep around and have never been in a relationship they treat me like I'm less. I just want to disappear. All my life I have wanted to have just been born male to begin with. I can't even imagine transitioning because of the stigma and hardship surrounding it. I'm also not sure if I really am a boy because I wear dresses sometimes and like looking good. I have been begging for a skateboard and thankfully got one for Christmas. I also just cut my hair a lot shorter, although it's only shoulder length I feel so much more comfortable and myself. I am hoping to claim some more masculinity for myself, this might help to fix what I feel like is missing.
Sorry for spilling my life out on here. A lot of this is irrelevant,
I would recommend trying to find a gender therapist or local group of transgender teens to speak with about how you feel. It can really help!
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If you question your assigned gender more than likely you're trans. It's not something cis people do. For now just break it down into steps. Work out what type of presentation makes you most comfortable. Which pronouns or new name you'd like better. And take it from there.
I also recommend finding a trans group. You can find ones for your area on Facebook as well
I read two things in this.
1) you may be trans in how you're thinking. the signs are there.
2) you may just feel that as a male it would be 'safer' due to sexual objectification and security (it's not, trust me on that one)
Based on what you wrote, I'm leaning more to #1. You really need someone to talk to that can get to the root of how you're feeling and why. This isn't the typical canned "you need a therapist" response. Enough confusion came out in your post that for you I think it's more necessity than just being a good thing to do.
Hi, Murpheldrich!
Welcome to Susan's.
I agree with the advice above: you may well be trans, or you may just be seeking relief from being seen as a sex object. Talking to a therapist, especially one with expertise with gender issues will be helpful.
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Hi Murph, welcome to Susan's Place! None of what you wrote is irrelevant. Putting your thoughts out where everyone, including yourself can see them is very good way to sort things out. See you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi dude,
Don't forget that we have a youth section here, it's more moderated, but, you'll be with folk that have a similar life experience.
Now, you're going to need some help - you've been assaulted by a member of your family - that's not on. That, if left, could become a much bigger burden down the track (from experience), so seeking the school counseling service, would be a priority. Be aware though, they may have to report through to the police. They will however, be able to help you start exploring how you feel about your gender.
Hopefully one of our other gents will drop by.
(Manly back pat)
It's going to be ok.
Rowan
Welcome Murph.
I also say contact the school health team. It's a good start.
Your brother did a wrong thing and it's NOT your fault!
Write and read. Learn more. Explore yourself. There is no rush. You take your steps when you are ready.
Tony
Hi there sister I went through the same thing as a 15 year old. I was so girly at your age and people kind of new that I was girly and feminine. Lol.😆 haha but certain people who were men friends and family members took advantage of me and sexual abuse me. I didn't know how to get help or tell someone about it. but I didn't let them get me down. I wish I'd known to go to some sort of place to get help with my gender disphoria but in 1985 there wasn't much around for transgender people. 😆 💖 now you have so much information about this on this website and hopefully you'll be able to find out what you can do or get someone to talk to about yourself. 😆 💖 xoxo take care and best wishes for you for the new year. 😆 💖
Welcome to Susan's Place. Everybody here tells a different story but if you read between the lines, there is a common thread in all of them. Like you, I had years where I was uncomfortable with myself and would wish for a different life. i was also an outcast and really found it difficult to be happy with much of my life. As you haven't had therapy yet, there is something that might help you. "The transition channel" (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfO3B57E6NpIn-KsVjvmLLw) covers many of the topics addressed in therapy and may help you feel not so alone. All of us were there once so welcome to the crowd.
Quote from: Murpheldrich on January 05, 2018, 03:48:45 AM
Sorry for spilling my life out on here. A lot of this is irrelevant,
Hey don't worry, none of this is irrelevant! This is the exact right place to tell people about these things! I hope things get better for you!
X Maria