Today was my first time out in a public place dressed as a female! And I can't believe that I did it!
I met with a few folks from my support group in a restaurant in another town some 100 miles away. The drive there wasn't a problem as it was already dark outside and nobody could see me in the car. I had a suspicion that I might chicken out in the parking lot but to my surprise I just got out of the car, walked straight to the entrance, asked the hostess where the group was seated and walked to their table. I guess after sitting down the severity of what I just had done really hit me and I wanted to disappear under the table (I didn't do it, though). Looking around I didn't notice any other of the patrons looking at me, so I calmed down a bit and actually enjoyed the dinner.
Later I even relaxed enough for a visit to the ladies' room, which also was a first for me.
Only at the end when leaving the restaurant I noticed a guy with his head spun 180 degrees around watching us, which even gave me some chuckles.
I am still totally euphoric and sorry if this sounds like sooo deja vue for most of you, but I just had to shout it out!
Cheers,
HM
Congrats big time!!!
This is a big step forward and an extremely brave one. My first step out was not so long ago and I rember it well. I do not have any support group or know anyone who is trans that I can talk to or meet so it was just a walk in the dark lasting a few mins. It has got so much easier now and I am sure it will be for you too
Plan to go somewhere or do something regularly so that you get confident going out dresses do how you want to be and do not leave it long or the nerves can kick in again
I go to the post office, coffee shop in the town where I work and the neighbouring town. All places that I will not meet people that I am not out to (not many)
Huge hug
Jessica
Quote from: Iztaccihuatl on February 17, 2019, 12:29:52 AM
Today was my first time out in a public place dressed as a female! And I can't believe that I did it
Congratulations! You did a lot better than I did, my first time. I remember parking my car as close to my apartment as possible beforehand, then almost running from my door to the car. :)
I think you're going to ace this!
Way to go! What a giant step forward in accepting yourself. My first few times out I just walked along my unlit neighborhood street in the dark, with a bailout plan in case anybody came along.
Another time I wore my wife's bathrobe to put out the trash, and a friend came along -- "Why are you wearing Jacquie's bathrobe?". I just smiled and made an excuse and he didn't push it. (Now he knows about me so I don't hide it any more.)
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My first going out en femme was about was 16 years ago. Yes. It was thrilling and exciting, but I was a kind of rookie at that time.
Now it became a part of my every day's life.
barbie~~
Congratulations. Welcome to the first of many firsts.
I remember pausing for a second before going into the grocery store I had been going to for 30 years. Guess what! The world didn't end and no one cared but me.
You'll do great. Remember that feeling and how much of a non-thing it was for everyone else. You'll do great!
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Congratulations! That is a big step. I am glad it went well.
Congratulations! Doing something like this, actual experience, can tell us so much about ourselves. Many of us question if the path we are contemplating is right for us. For me, I was convinced that I would be embarrassed being in public. In reality, being perceived as female was totally right for me. It is what convinced me that transitioning was my future. It is pretty scary at first though. I wish you luck on the path you find right for you.
Moni
Quote from: RandyL on February 17, 2019, 04:59:20 AM
Way to go! What a giant step forward in accepting yourself. My first few times out I just walked along my unlit neighborhood street in the dark, with a bailout plan in case anybody came along.
Well, I did venture outside before in feminine outfits, once alone in a park after dark, and usually when I see my therapist, but I don't consider these as being in public, because either nobody could see me or I am only going to see people who know about my situation and are understanding. This time it was really in public view! And I'm still hyped up even after a full day has passed...
HM
Way to go girl! It gets easier. I try not to think about it anymore. I still feel a little uneasy when traveling though.
Way to go...I remember my 1st RLE experience, I took a picture:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi65.tinypic.com%2Fawu6w6.jpg&hash=71126cd962c3808d47196f134cd11c3d6defc502)
One guy couldn't stop his sideways eye strain..I laughed all the way home because his wife looked at he was looking at (me) and I saw her too!...I still chuckle when I think of the poor souls who have led sheltered lives!
Now I run around town looking this way. It's too much fun being me!
Sophia
Congrats Snow Covered Mountain!
You did it! ;D
Well, I thought I'd post an update.
Last weekend I visited another support group about 2.5 hours by car away and after the meeting some of us went out for dinner at some restaurant / sports bar. I was a little hesitant to go into a sports bar, but it was already like 9:30 or 10:00pm, so I decided not to make much fuss about it. In my group were 2 trans females pre-everything who just dressed androgynously and probably were read by other folks as 'normal men' plus one trans man. In other words, I was the only one with makeup, jewelry and definitively female clothes, but nobody looked strangely at me and we had a pleasant dinner and I enjoyed the time with these folks a lot.
Late on Sunday my wife came back from a multi-week overseas trip, so HM (my female initials) had to go back into her closet. During those 4 weeks while she was gone I lived every second at home as female, including workouts in the fitness room and sleeping with my breast forms on. I was trying to find out if there is a point when I can't stand being female anymore, but I never reached such a point during those 4 weeks. I actually enjoyed every second when my female self was allowed to be out.
Now, since she is back it has been a mixed bag. I have been longing for letting my female self out again (my wife and I have an unwritten understanding that HM only comes out on weekends, which for me doesn't seem to be enough). On the other side it seems that during those 4 weeks of separation my wife has come to the conclusion that this is wrong (I got a lecture on that, where she said that this was wrong and that I knew it and that I shouldn't go to support meetings anymore (the next one is tomorrow) because this would be like a drug addict going to meet other addicts). Fortunately those lectures don't really work with me (unlike our kids, and I am glad that these measures do work with them), I might nod a little bit but then do my thing anyway.
She also complained shortly after arriving back that I was walking in a feminine way and bending down in a feminine way keeping my knees together and bending in the knees when putting dishes in the dishwasher. That observation is probably true, on the one hand I kind of took her comments as a confirmation, but they certainly weren't meant that way. But then on the other hand today she helped me apply nail varnish...
On the other hand this week of forced male mode drove me more to reading all the stories here on Susan's and reflecting on my experience of 4 weeks full female immersion while at home I am getting closer to thinking that I am more than just a plain old crossdresser and I am warming up to the idea of contemplating some form of HRT.
That's it for now.
Hugs,
HM
Hi HM,
Please excuse my silliness, but your initials immediately made me think of Hannah Montana. You aren't the Hannah Montana are you?
Okay, so reading your post, it seems pretty clear that your partner doesn't understand what this is all about. I am in no way bad mouthing her, but to say what she said about this being wrong leaves me thinking she thinks you are trying to do something immoral. Either that or she is trying to steer you away from feminine behavior in any way she can. I imagine you realize there is no off switch to this. I hope you also know that what you are drawn to do is not wrong. I am moved to write to you because my female (feminine) self was caged or contained for many years. I remember the guilt trip I imposed on myself. I had a partner who didn't care if I 'expressed myself' and I still couldn't do it from guilt. Damned upbringing!!! Part of my problem (not implying you are the same) was that all I had available to me in my life then was being a crossdresser. I am not a crossdresser (old term transvestite) and never have been. Hence me wearing women's clothes in a locked room caused me self esteem issues. One day the craziness of my dilemma became so great that I started looking at stories of trans people. I started finding that trans people who transitioned, despite what I had heard, could be happy. I started to think it was possible. Long story short, I did transition, and am beyond happy I did. At this point, it sounds like you are unsure where you stand. I completely applaud your efforts to go out and to learn more about yourself. What a wonderfully positive thing to do. I just hope you genuinely know that if you are a transgender person who is okay with dressing sometimes or need to fully transition, you are you. You are not bad or immoral, or deviant, or any other negative thing someone wants to throw at you. Of course, you may need to explain that to them.
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on March 09, 2019, 04:34:59 PM
Hi HM,
Please excuse my silliness, but your initials immediately made me think of Hannah Montana. You aren't the Hannah Montana are you?
Okay, so reading your post, it seems pretty clear that your partner doesn't understand what this is all about. I am in no way bad mouthing her, but to say what she said about this being wrong leaves me thinking she thinks you are trying to do something immoral. Either that or she is trying to steer you away from feminine behavior in any way she can. I imagine you realize there is no off switch to this. I hope you also know that what you are drawn to do is not wrong. I am moved to write to you because my female (feminine) self was caged or contained for many years. I remember the guilt trip I imposed on myself. I had a partner who didn't care if I 'expressed myself' and I still couldn't do it from guilt. Damned upbringing!!! Part of my problem (not implying you are the same) was that all I had available to me in my life then was being a crossdresser. I am not a crossdresser (old term transvestite) and never have been. Hence me wearing women's clothes in a locked room caused me self esteem issues. One day the craziness of my dilemma became so great that I started looking at stories of trans people. I started finding that trans people who transitioned, despite what I had heard, could be happy. I started to think it was possible. Long story short, I did transition, and am beyond happy I did. At this point, it sounds like you are unsure where you stand. I completely applaud your efforts to go out and to learn more about yourself. What a wonderfully positive thing to do. I just hope you genuinely know that if you are a transgender person who is okay with dressing sometimes or need to fully transition, you are you. You are not bad or immoral, or deviant, or any other negative thing someone wants to throw at you. Of course, you may need to explain that to them.
Moni
Thanks, Moni, for your wonderful comments!
First of all, don't worry, I am not
the Hannah Montana (LOL), neither real nor fake! I'll let you know my real name via PM, since I am not comfortable having it on a public forum since I am not out yet (except to my wife).
I think my wife is in the Denial stage of the 5 stages of grief, while I have already reached some level of acceptance, although I am still trying to figure out how far I am leaning towards transitioning. And she tries to convince me to join her in the denials, hence her efforts to steer me away from the trans crowd. I can say that I don't feel any guilt anymore over dressing female and those steering efforts don't really work (my parents tried that too on various topics when I was young (although not trans-related as they don't know about this aspect of my personality), but I would just say yes or nothing at all, maybe nod with my head and then do what I wanted to do while making extra sure I didn't get caught not following their advice).
I just came back from the support meeting I attended and she didn't want to hear much how it went. Yes, I was able to tell her that I was the best dressed woman there (in my not so humble opinion) and that I got lots of compliments for the scarf she brought for me from her overseas trip, but as soon as the topic turned to trans-specific issues she dialed out. I guess I need to start talking daily about how I feel and why I need to present female and over time I hope this will sink in. Unfortunately I am not a very talkative person and usually keep everything to myself, which leads both of us avoiding talking about the issue as much as we can and the elephant remains in the room.
Another fun detail was after I came home and we spoke a bit my wife asked me if I wanted to switch into something more comfortable. She usually does this like when I am coming home from work to invite me to don the formal clothes and switch into something less formal and since I was somewhat formally dressed from the meeting (skirt, pullover, scarf, nylons & heels) she said the same thing without any bad intentions. However, I had to point out that I was indeed
very comfortable in the clothes I wore. And she answered that she doesn't want to hear about it.
So, all in all it is going to be some rough weeks or months ahead of us. I hope I can convince her to come with me to my next therapy session in about a week. In a few months things are really going to get rough when our kids come back from college for the summer holidays from mid July to mid September. We haven't told them and my wife doesn't want to tell them (probably because she hopes the entire thing can be contained to just crossdressing at home while the kids are not here, however I don't think this is going to work because the woman in me wants to go out and spread her wings). Well, there is still time to figure out what to do...
Thanks again for your supportive answer!
Hugs,
HM
HM, Congratulations on your step into public! For most of us who married, our partners are one of the hardest challenges. It is important for them to realise that our condition can not be ignored without consequence, and that we are stuck between an urgent need to realise our true selves, and yet be sensitive to our loved ones. It is the proverbial rock and hard place, but it is a two way street. Wives have needs too. We have to give and take.
My wife is not happy about my transition, but she supports it. I made sure she was aware of what was happening to me, and demonstrated my commitment to do the best I could for her. I asked her to help me to find a solution to my growing dysphoria, and together, we arrived at me starting HRT. She is primarily worried that I will leave her without a partner to grow old with as she planned, so I have committed to be her soulmate forever, honouring the vow I made on our wedding day. She is worried about being embarrassed by having a half woman half man partner, so I committed to not coming out until I was mostly passable. This also serves to protect my children (in their mid 30's) from embarrassment as well.
I have made an effort to recognise her fears and address them, as she has recognised my needs and is helping me achieve them. A two way street. Not for one second do I believe the road ahead will be smooth, or that there are any guarantees everything will go to plan, but we both feel like we are facing this challenge together, with each others best interests at heart. If we cherish our partners, we will put in the effort to strive for the best outcome for them as well as ourselves.
I hope you can find the best outcome for your partner and yourself.
Allie
HM, I really want to call you Hannah even though I know it's not right. lol Please excuse me. I am a hopeless teaser by nature.
I was never faced with having to convince my partner, so I am not an expert on doing so. I do like something that Allie said very much. She mentioned asking her partner for help in finding a solution. I think that is so smart for her in her situation. So, if the topic of outward appearance, meetings, therapy appointments, transition are a hot spot that causes friction, maybe getting back in touch with the things that brought you together in the first place might be kind of helpful. I will write you a PM to explain this a little better, but I have had to really get back to basics with my partner. She is above all my best friend. Whatever happens to our situation, we have that friendship. I have always considered that title more important that wife, or partner, or spouse. If you think about how many folks get married, feel ownership of each other, and then take each other for granted, it is a big problem. To me, the fact that she's my friend means I will take her for granted way less. It also means I respect her like no one else. (I am talking in general terms. I'm not saying this is a problem for you.)
Moni
Quote from: HappyMoni on March 10, 2019, 11:41:30 AM
HM, I really want to call you Hannah even though I know it's not right. lol Please excuse me. I am a hopeless teaser by nature.
Teasing is ok. Also, if you want to call me Hannah, thats ok too, although this is not a name that particularly resonates with me...
BTW, I just realized that you are also an HM (Happy Moni), so it seems like we are twin sisters...
HM
Thanks, Moni and Allie for your insights. I think I'll start talking with my wife about this and how to include her better in any decisions. This will hopefully lead to some progress.
On the plus side, we went shopping today, to a Kate Spade outlet and got a cute cross shoulder bag for me and very nice sling bag for her. And she did ask some questions about the support group meeting, so I guess she is trying to wrap her head around it.
HM
This is a general comment.
One aspect of being transgender and how it affects our partners is to reflect on how we would feel if we were not TG but our partner was. So, for example, if you were a cismale how would you cope with your female partner being FtM? How would you react to their changes and desires? What sort of discussion would be important and what boundaries would you want?
That may be a good basis for making sure that you keep dialogue open and an understanding in perspective.
This whole thread resonates with me as well.
My wife and I ended up as platonic friends with a common goal.
I would have prefered that we could have been lovers but I understand allowing my femininity to show causes a major primal turn-off for her.
Discussion & compromise achieves little with someone who is hard wired to repond to masculinity only.
I dont blame her for any of it.
At least we can still be a family.
Having the cake and eating it too is not to be.
Kirsten.
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Quote from: Iztaccihuatl on March 11, 2019, 12:55:05 AM
Teasing is ok. Also, if you want to call me Hannah, thats ok too, although this is not a name that particularly resonates with me...
BTW, I just realized that you are also an HM (Happy Moni), so it seems like we are twin sisters...
HM
You are the sister with the mountain, so you are more famous. My real initials are MH_. lol
Cindy that is a good way to look at it. I think I would be a bit freaked out at first. I love my SO so I would support her. I mean 'him.'
Kirsten, having the cake and eating it too is pretty rare I think. It didn't work perfectly in my case either except I was the reason for that.
Quote from: Cindy on March 11, 2019, 02:43:20 AM
This is a general comment.
One aspect of being transgender and how it affects our partners is to reflect on how we would feel if we were not TG but our partner was. So, for example, if you were a cismale how would you cope with your female partner being FtM? How would you react to their changes and desires? What sort of discussion would be important and what boundaries would you want?
That may be a good basis for making sure that you keep dialogue open and an understanding in perspective.
Hi Cindy,
Of course I have tried to put myself in her shoes and imagine what I would have done if she had come out as a trans-man. Now, I have a biased view here, since I have been thinking about this for a long time and also desire a certain outcome and for this reason the optimist in me would immediately say that I wouldn't have had any issue, but that is not true. In all honesty, my old, old male self would have had a serious issue there as well, I probably would have been accepting of her dressing as male, but hormones would have crossed a line.
So, yes, I totally get where she is coming from and understand her reaction, it is just that I need to do this but don't want to lose her, because I truly and deeply love her. I just hope that time will heal these wounds that I have inflicted on her by coming out to her.
HM
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on March 11, 2019, 05:55:00 AM
This whole thread resonates with me as well.
My wife and I ended up as platonic friends with a common goal.
I would have prefered that we could have been lovers but I understand allowing my femininity to show causes a major primal turn-off for her.
Discussion & compromise achieves little with someone who is hard wired to repond to masculinity only.
I dont blame her for any of it.
At least we can still be a family.
Having the cake and eating it too is not to be.
Kirsten.
Well, a platonic friendship is actually what I would like to see if I decide to go full-time. I want her in my life as my BFF and really spend a great time together. I don't expect anything that can be seen as lesbian. I guess it will take some time and lots of talks to achieve some level of acceptance.
HM
Quote from: Iztaccihuatl on March 12, 2019, 01:37:43 AM
Well, a platonic friendship is actually what I would like to see if I decide to go full-time. I want her in my life as my BFF and really spend a great time together. I don't expect anything that can be seen as lesbian. I guess it will take some time and lots of talks to achieve some level of acceptance.
HM
I really believe that can be achieved. I think most CIS women have little desire for physical intimacy after bearing children anyway.
Also there seems to be many couples in their 50s and beyond who give up on sex even though they are still in love.
Not the most ideal scenario but still makes the most of things in this life.
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Hello again HM and Kirsten
I never married and hence cannot give an answer from personal experience.
OTOH I have known a number of couples here on Susan's who have stayed together after a transwoman came out to the female partner or wife and transitioned. They were ultimately able to live together in an amicable asexual friendship. However it does seem to take time to reach that position.
I agree that for some couples over 50 it is fine to "retire" from sex and remain in love with each other. That is fine. Some wish to maintain sex. We are free to choose in liaison with the partner of course.
Hugs
Pamela
HM
With regard to the original point - your first post - may I offer you my congratulations on your visit time out en femme (to a different town) and I am so happy for you that it went well and this will instill further confidence in you.
I completely understand your choice of travelling to another town; as it happens I did/am doing it the other way round. I have been out locally on many occasions mainly for a walk in the park or for a trip to the mall and to have a coffee there. However on Saturday 16th I will be for the first time travelling to another city and meeting friends there and travelling home - all three as Pamela. So this will a "first" for me.
Hugs
Pamela
Quote from: pamelatransuk on March 12, 2019, 06:26:00 AM
Hello again HM and Kirsten
I never married and hence cannot give an answer from personal experience.
OTOH I have known a number of couples here on Susan's who have stayed together after a transwoman came out to the female partner or wife and transitioned. They were ultimately able to live together in an amicable asexual friendship. However it does seem to take time to reach that position.
I agree that for some couples over 50 it is fine to "retire" from sex and remain in love with each other. That is fine. Some wish to maintain sex. We are free to choose in liaison with the partner of course.
Hugs
Pamela
Hi Pamela great to hear from you. And yes I agree celibate relationships can work out well.
I am jealous of you girls getting together for the meet-up as well. I would love to visit old Blighty one of these days. Havent been for a few years.
Please dont tell me how much fun you had either !
Kirsten xx.
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Quote from: pamelatransuk on March 12, 2019, 06:33:25 AM
HM
With regard to the original point - your first post - may I offer you my congratulations on your visit time out en femme (to a different town) and I am so happy for you that it went well and this will instill further confidence in you.
I completely understand your choice of travelling to another town; as it happens I did/am doing it the other way round. I have been out locally on many occasions mainly for a walk in the park or for a trip to the mall and to have a coffee there. However on Saturday 16th I will be for the first time travelling to another city and meeting friends there and travelling home - all three as Pamela. So this will a "first" for me.
Hugs
Pamela
Thanks, Pamela! I wish you the best of luck on your little trip this upcoming weekend!
HM
Kirsten
Always nice to hear from you too. Thank you for your support.
You have probably seen on the UK Meet Up thread that it is intended to hold them bi-annually - Sept 2018, March 2019, Sept 2019, March 2020 etc and it would be wonderful if you were able to come as I would especially love to meet you. You may have noticed that although nothing agreed as yet of course, Judith who commutes between Devon, UK and Victoria, Australia has suggested Milton Keynes for a future UK Meet Up.
HM
Thank you for your support and best wishes.
Hugs to you both
Pamela xx
Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on March 12, 2019, 02:40:42 AM
I really believe that can be achieved. I think most CIS women have little desire for physical intimacy after bearing children anyway.
Also there seems to be many couples in their 50s and beyond who give up on sex even though they are still in love.
Not the most ideal scenario but still makes the most of things in this life.
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Are you sure about this? My wife was still very much interested in sex after her two pregnancies! And we did it well into our 50's, actually until I failed because of my menopause.
Quote from: Dietlind on March 12, 2019, 09:42:55 AM
Are you sure about this? My wife was still very much interested in sex after her two pregnancies! And we did it well into our 50's, actually until I failed because of my menopause.
Im talking generally. I know at work many fit and healthy fathers in their 50s deal with a wife who would rather not. A small. minority experience the opposite situation.
MTFs seem to often have a variable drive a bit like CIS women- where they can take it or leave it. The compelling urge of a CIS male is often not there.
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Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on March 12, 2019, 11:29:02 AM
Im talking generally. I know at work many fit and healthy fathers in their 50s deal with a wife who would rather not. A small. minority experience the opposite situation.
MTFs seem to often have a variable drive a bit like CIS women- where they can take it or leave it. The compelling urge of a CIS male is often not there.
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You are right, once testosterone is down, all that stuff goes down with it.
But remembering how some males used to describe their sex live and action upon it, I can understand that many women rather not have that done to them anymore!
My wife used to have her evil way with me and I loved it! I miss it. Its a distant memory now.
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I don't know my testosterone is way low and I have plenty of urge. I think it is not always so simple.
Today an interesting thing happened. A few days ago someone at my support group meeting took a semi-professional picture of me. And today I thought I'd load it up in FaceApp and play a little and have some fun with it. In the picture I am wearing my hair open and I am also wearing makeup, but the picture itself has not been altered / photoshopped in any way. Since I am pre-everything and Face App claims to use AI I fully expected it to recognize my face as a male one. But lo and behold, it actually recognized my face as female and offered all female options! On the one hand that made me feel extremely good about myself in female mode, but it also makes me realize that their AI claims are really bogus if some makeup and hairstyle can throw it off...
Another interesting thing of today was that I actually remembered a dream. I usually do not remember any dream and even the ones I remember fade away very quickly. So this time I do remember that I was female in the dream, but what exactly it was about has already faded away, so I can't tell what I did. But it sure made my day knowing I dreamed of the female me!
HM
Quote from: Iztaccihuatl on March 14, 2019, 12:04:15 AMOn the one hand that made me feel extremely good about myself in female mode, but it also makes me realize that their AI claims are really bogus if some makeup and hairstyle can throw it off...
...Or it might mean that you pass better than you thought!
Quote from: KathyLauren on March 14, 2019, 06:40:53 AM
...Or it might mean that you pass better than you thought!
That thought has crossed my mind too. However, without makeup and with my hair pulled back into a ponytail FaceApp genders me as male. I always thought that face recognition software doesn't get fooled by makeup or the hairstyle, but apparently this one does.
Anyway, I still feel good about this!
HM, someone said something really nice about my look today. They said it to my partner, not to me. My first thought was, oh, she is just being nice. Ya know what, take it as a win. Sometimes, the news is good news. Take it and run with it.