I know detransitioning tends to be a taboo thing that most people won't speak about, and it's taken me a bit to reach the point where I'm comfortable enough posting about this, but I genuinely feel that I need some advice for my own safety and sanity.
In early January of this year, I stopped taking testosterone. I had went back and forth about it for months and months, but ultimately, I found that transitioning was hurting me more than helping me. Through therapy and a lot of self-reflection, I came to realize that my drive to transition was fueled heavily by past trauma in my life. I was trying my hardest to run away from the pain I had faced in the past, and I was willing to alter myself entirely and change into what (at the time) felt like a completely different person/identity to achieve that. Being sexually abused for so many years fueled the idea that if I were more masculine and strong that I'd be less likely to be taken advantage of and I could protect myself better. I was willing to do whatever it took to ensure that I would never have to relive my past again. It probably sounds silly in retrospect, but the less feminine I was, the safer I felt. Every abuser in the past had mentioned how pretty, small, and cute I was, so I had my heart set on eradicating all of those features.
Fast forward to now, and I'm menstruating again, so I know my bits and baubles are in working order. However, I am dealing with something else now that I find to be.. ironic? I'm getting misgendered, but not in the sense that I'm accustomed to. I had to fight tooth and nail previously to be seen as male, but now that it's NOT what I want, I can't get people to stop calling me sir, mister, etc to save my life. It's mostly my voice and my Adam's apple that makes people zero in on me and clock me as what they perceive as MtF, but my face has also changed to the extent where it's slender with pronounced sharp features. Without makeup, I look very.. androgynous, leaning more towards masculine. It's hard to accept and I've reached the point where I NEVER take my makeup off if I can avoid it. I even sleep in it, as much as I know it's horrid for my skin.
However, this is mostly just rambling. My main issue, and this is where my concern for safety comes along, is that I work as a correctional officer in an all males prison (probably ridiculous considering my past, but I love my job immensely). The inmates think that I am MtF and they aren't afraid to voice their assumptions. My job requires a lot of yelling commands, but when I yell, I have a very difficult time controlling the pitch of my voice. It's undeniably deep, and I know I raise my own coworkers' eyebrows when they hear my voice. That earns me remarks of ">-bleeped-<", "ladyboy", being told that I'm not a real girl, being called a "pretty boy", etc. When you enter a pod as a female, since it's an all males prison, you're supposed to announce, "Female in the pod!" as you enter. When I enter, the inmates shout, "Man in the pod!" and laugh at me. It's getting harder and harder to ignore the hurt it causes me. I've had threats made against me for this and their frequency has been increasing. I don't want to become a headline like so many of the trans murders I've already seen this year.
I was hoping I could find some resources for vocal training, personal experiences with such, and maybe some referrals to voice feminizing surgeons. My Adam's apple isn't that prominent, so it's not that huge of a concern to me as long as I can learn to control my voice. However, if I could get a much higher pitch than I am capable of achieving currently through surgery, I'd be willing to fork over the money for some peace of mind. My voice wasn't very high pitched even prior to T, so it deepened relatively quick and noticeably so.
Also, are there some beauty/makeup tips that anyone has for making one's face appear fuller and more feminine? I am not that amazing at makeup, but I am more than willing to give it a shot to ensure that I pass better.
Sorry for writing this novel, and thanks in advance to anyone who is willing to give me some advice and help me out.
If you are certain you want to do this, we have the resources that you are asking for. The warning is that if you receive these procedures, they will be they will be permanent and there will be no going back. Discussions on Facial feminization surgery are here (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,180.0.html) and there are many surgeons who preform it. The primary issue is deciding how much you want as it's expensive and a brutal surgery however some of the results are fantastic. Speech therapy can be reversed and I can even assist you with that but there is a limit to what some people are able to do. In my case, I needed surgery because my voice was incapable of hitting the feminine range. Surgery will depend on your location. Yeson is in Korea, Dr Haben is in New York and there is a surgeon in Europe. There are other but these three are the ones I know about. You can go to the voice section (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,346.0.html) for more information.
De transitioning discussions are acceptable on this site and criticism of people considering this is not permitted. You are free to discuss your issues however if you are uncomfortable discussing something, feel free to PM me.
Typically a FtM who transitions back to F will get a feminine face again without need for surgery. The bone doesn't change, only the fat patterns. It takes six months to a year of being off of T, and a bit of weight gain. Feminine fat patterns (such as around the face) need to be laid down with weight gain. It should give you hips too. It's basically the same as the MtF pattern when they go on estrogen, except your body is producing it's own.
Have you had your hormone levels checked yet? You should, to make sure the hormones are where they should be, or are heading in that direction. You may want to go on birth control pills to get your estrogen levels up again, and keep them evened out, or if your estrogen is low your doc may even give you some E to get your body back a bit faster. Also, have them check for testosterone levels. Your body may keep those levels up for a while, and a blocker may be needed.
As for your voice, glottoplasty and voice therapy is likely the best option. I'm surprised you developed an Adam's apple, it's not common that I have heard of for FtMs. Did you transition very young?
You're facial features should go back to a female pattern in the same time you were on T for; unless you took T while still going through female puberty ofc.
Agree with Jade about having your hormones levels checked. Just because you're now having periods doesn't mean you're necessary receiving a healthy dose of oestrogen.
You may also be able to look up videos on YouTube from mtfs to learn how to speak in a more female way.
Just to add it's good to hear how you now know which way to live makes you the most comfortable and hope you're receiving the right support :)
Quote from: Cailan Jade on March 11, 2017, 10:04:46 PM
I'm surprised you developed an Adam's apple, it's not common that I have heard of for FtMs. Did you transition very young?
Developing an Adams apple is actually quite a common side effect of T :). When receiving a high dose of T your throat becomes sore due to your larynx stretching and becoming thicker causing your Adam's apple to become more prominent. Some trans men don't develop an especially deep voice so may not develop a noticeable Adam's apple; same as what can happen for cis men.
Jeepers. I am so sorry you had to go through that. That is very saddening. If you are commited to de-transitioning and if it is indeed the right thing for you I will offer you my support and love! But, may I ask a couple questions please?
I do not want to derail you and your progress or insinuate any doubts but was it you who make the connections between a face that you had to put on as a reaction to the horrible abuse that had happened to you or is that something your therpaists is saying? I ask because there are some people out there, some ''professionals'' That still beleive in that as a reason for being trans and try to push it down their clients throats to foster doubts.
I guess I only had the one question and I hope I wasnt too intrusive to ask. Coming off of T, your body should be able to feminize within reasonable time and you should be restored to femaleness sooner then you think. Like I said, if you are doing the de-transition for yourself and all the right reasons you have my full support and good vibes :)!!
While trauma certainly isn't the cause of most people being trans, trauma certainly can cause the same symptoms. Same with homosexuality. Similar to being sexually abused as a child increases the chances of a person being homosexual. Discounting it as a possibility is as bad as insisting that all trans symptoms are caused by trauma.
Quote from: Cailan Jade on March 14, 2017, 02:21:42 PM
While trauma certainly isn't the cause of most people being trans, trauma certainly can cause the same symptoms. Same with homosexuality. Similar to being sexually abused as a child increases the chances of a person being homosexual. Discounting it as a possibility is as bad as insisting that all trans symptoms are caused by trauma.
Never discounted it for a second. Was just asking to see if they came to the decision on their own, and if so good for them. Or, if their therapist is trying to plant ideas into their head.
I should know too. As a kid whenever i tried to be feminine or show just a little bit of it off i became a target for well all sorts of stuff. Thats what made me relize that all that masculinity and manhood i put on for so long was just a face to save myself. So we are rather similar, even if I am a amab
Quote from: Nathanos on March 11, 2017, 08:48:21 PM
I know detransitioning tends to be a taboo thing that most people won't speak about, and it's taken me a bit to reach the point where I'm comfortable enough posting about this, but I genuinely feel that I need some advice for my own safety and sanity.
In early January of this year, I stopped taking testosterone. I had went back and forth about it for months and months, but ultimately, I found that transitioning was hurting me more than helping me. Through therapy and a lot of self-reflection, I came to realize that my drive to transition was fueled heavily by past trauma in my life. I was trying my hardest to run away from the pain I had faced in the past, and I was willing to alter myself entirely and change into what (at the time) felt like a completely different person/identity to achieve that. Being sexually abused for so many years fueled the idea that if I were more masculine and strong that I'd be less likely to be taken advantage of and I could protect myself better. I was willing to do whatever it took to ensure that I would never have to relive my past again. It probably sounds silly in retrospect, but the less feminine I was, the safer I felt. Every abuser in the past had mentioned how pretty, small, and cute I was, so I had my heart set on eradicating all of those features.
Fast forward to now, and I'm menstruating again, so I know my bits and baubles are in working order. However, I am dealing with something else now that I find to be.. ironic? I'm getting misgendered, but not in the sense that I'm accustomed to. I had to fight tooth and nail previously to be seen as male, but now that it's NOT what I want, I can't get people to stop calling me sir, mister, etc to save my life. It's mostly my voice and my Adam's apple that makes people zero in on me and clock me as what they perceive as MtF, but my face has also changed to the extent where it's slender with pronounced sharp features. Without makeup, I look very.. androgynous, leaning more towards masculine. It's hard to accept and I've reached the point where I NEVER take my makeup off if I can avoid it. I even sleep in it, as much as I know it's horrid for my skin.
However, this is mostly just rambling. My main issue, and this is where my concern for safety comes along, is that I work as a correctional officer in an all males prison (probably ridiculous considering my past, but I love my job immensely). The inmates think that I am MtF and they aren't afraid to voice their assumptions. My job requires a lot of yelling commands, but when I yell, I have a very difficult time controlling the pitch of my voice. It's undeniably deep, and I know I raise my own coworkers' eyebrows when they hear my voice. That earns me remarks of ">-bleeped-<", "ladyboy", being told that I'm not a real girl, being called a "pretty boy", etc. When you enter a pod as a female, since it's an all males prison, you're supposed to announce, "Female in the pod!" as you enter. When I enter, the inmates shout, "Man in the pod!" and laugh at me. It's getting harder and harder to ignore the hurt it causes me. I've had threats made against me for this and their frequency has been increasing. I don't want to become a headline like so many of the trans murders I've already seen this year.
I was hoping I could find some resources for vocal training, personal experiences with such, and maybe some referrals to voice feminizing surgeons. My Adam's apple isn't that prominent, so it's not that huge of a concern to me as long as I can learn to control my voice. However, if I could get a much higher pitch than I am capable of achieving currently through surgery, I'd be willing to fork over the money for some peace of mind. My voice wasn't very high pitched even prior to T, so it deepened relatively quick and noticeably so.
Also, are there some beauty/makeup tips that anyone has for making one's face appear fuller and more feminine? I am not that amazing at makeup, but I am more than willing to give it a shot to ensure that I pass better.
Sorry for writing this novel, and thanks in advance to anyone who is willing to give me some advice and help me out.
I am going through pretty much an identical experience. I too was sexually abused for many years and transitioning was my way (mostly unconsciously) of protecting myself from further trauma and the unaddressed trauma of the childhood sexual abuse I endured. I too am now mistaken for a man all the time and have to wear makeup to even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry (and even then I absolutely hate everything about my face-- T prematurely aged me). I went from being a very talkative and sociable person before T and while I was on T to someone who is afraid to even say "hello" back when someone greets me because I never know if my voice is going to come out sounding so masculine that it gets me misgendered. I also wear turtlenecks in scorching heat to cover up my adam's apple (it's even bigger than my brother's :( )
Like, even when my face passes, I look haggard because of the facial surgery I got to masculinize my face on top of the effects of T. I NEVER EVER had acne before T and while on T I had enough acne to warrant going on accutane and since going off T my acne has come back with a vengeance.
Anyway, it's loads of fun dealing detransitioner dysphoria (not passing as a girl in spite of my 2 X chromosomes) on top of the psychological/legal
>-bleeped-< that came with escaping and reporting my molester/parent to the police. I don't recommend doing all of these things while trying to do school too. I'm probably going to flunk most of my classes.
PM me if you need someone to talk to and I wish you the best of luck.