Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Male to female transsexual talk (MTF) => Topic started by: ChrissyRyan on March 31, 2019, 11:13:37 am

Title: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on March 31, 2019, 11:13:37 am
As a mtf, how did you cope with potentially losing others who disapprove of being transgender if you reveal yourself to them as a mtf?

Or have you decided that you cannot lose at least some of them, so you do not reveal to them that you are mtf because you know that they do not approve of being transgender?

This is a tough issue.  Almost as tough as my female voice development!

This is something that I have to address head-on before going full time.

Chrissy
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: Colleen_definitely on March 31, 2019, 11:26:36 am
At least for me I got to the point where I was fed up with my own inaction and treated coming out a bit more like a memo of what was going to happen.  They could accept it or not but that wouldn't change my path. 

It's a tough issue and in my experience you need to accept the fact that some people simply won't accept this.  While that might soften the blow slightly it still hurts when people react badly (and badly is a nice way to describe my immediate family's reaction)  But it's not all doom and gloom, many more people reacted positively to my coming out than I ever expected.
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: RandyL on March 31, 2019, 11:38:27 am
I've been lucky, or perhaps it's the way most people really are these days. I've had no outright rejection, although I wouldn't doubt that some have chosen to distance themselves and I just haven't heard from them.

One cousin pushed back with some lengthy emails and letters, basically saying that it's not a real thing. But she still says "cousins are forever." Another relative told me that the above cousin shops for pants in a transgender store because they fit better, so go figure!

Some evangelical Christian cousins remain accepting and friendly.

Basically I've been surprised at the high degree of acceptance. Consider just getting the word out there and let the chips fall where they may. I hope it goes well for you.

Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: tgirlamg on March 31, 2019, 12:05:32 pm
Hi Chrissy!!!

When asked about the subject during speaking engagements... I often use my analogy that, announcing to the people in your life...friends... family... aquaintences...that you are MTF and plan to transition, is a bit like telling everyone you know, that you are climbing Mt Everest...

Some will immediately tell you that they don’t want to go there with you... perhaps think that you are crazy for wanting to do so...That is their feeling based on their own unique perspective and they are welcome to their truth as much as we are welcome to ours

Others will immediately want to go with you wherever the journey leads...some of them may travel to the top...others may attempt to climb with you but, find along the way, that their true path lies elsewhere... Thank them for coming so far with you, wish them all good things and keep climbing...

The part that many often don’t immediately see before the climb is this... Along the journey... new faces will appear to love us and be loved by us... they will be the ones who have only known the brave climber and Love us for who we are....

The other part... not always fully realized in the beginning, is that when we reach the peak of this great journey called transition, we see that it was but a stepping stone to all that follows...

All good things to you Chrissy!… Have a good climb Sister!!!

Onward we go...

Ashley 🙋‍♀️💕🌻

PS... This snippet of “Song of the Open Road”... by Walt Whitman speaks to this subject... Finding ourself...as well as our place in the world and amongst others in life’s journey....

From this hour I ordain myself loos’d of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently,but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.
I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.

I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.

All seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me.

Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: Megan. on March 31, 2019, 01:35:54 pm
Before I came out to anyone, my therapist challenged me by asking that if everyone (parents, wife, children) rejected me if I came out, could I carry on and accept that?

After some thought, I decided that while not what I wanted, I could accept that - a good thing as this did happen to a degree.

How did I cope?... I was always quite an independent person,  and never relied upon others for my own validation. I think that and mentally preparing myself for the possibility before was what worked for me.

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: tgirlamg on March 31, 2019, 01:51:13 pm
I... never relied upon others for my own validation.


Exactly!!!

Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,

Onward we go!

A 🙋‍♀️💕🌻
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: KathyLauren on March 31, 2019, 02:41:19 pm
I decided ahead of time that I had to come out, come hell or high water.  If people didn't like it, I would do without them in my life. 

The attitude did wonders for my self-confidence, but it hasn't really been put to the test.  If anyone has had a problem with my existence, they have at least been polite enough to keep it to themselves.
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: Josie_L on March 31, 2019, 04:00:14 pm
Personally, would not care if others disapproved and lost them. Im living my life, not theirs too.
Actually, never experienced this anyway. x
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on March 31, 2019, 08:55:26 pm
Thank you all for your thoughts. 

I am accepting of myself but it does hurt to realize that most of the people who I know who are not trans-friendly I will lose my current relationships with, or that the relationships will change to some extent or likely be completely gone in some cases.  I know new friends will come about over time, and that is good.  I do hope for more good results that I am expecting from those I do know.

I cannot expect a male friend to treat me the same as a woman, that makes sense. 

Thanks again for your thoughts.  I respect all of you who already went fulltime, and I realize that a number of you have had some losses of friends, acquaintances, and others because of their lack of understanding and acceptance.

Chrissy
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: tgirlamg on March 31, 2019, 09:46:14 pm
Thank you all for your thoughts. 

I am accepting of myself but it does hurt to realize that most of the people who I know who are not trans-friendly I will lose my current relationships with, or that the relationships will change to some extent or likely be completely gone in some cases.  I know new friends will come about over time, and that is good.  I do hope for more good results that I am expecting from those I do know.

I cannot expect a male friend to treat me the same as a woman, that makes sense. 

Thanks again for your thoughts.  I respect all of you who already went fulltime, and I realize that a number of you have had some losses of friends, acquaintances, and others because of their lack of understanding and acceptance.

Chrissy

Hey Chrissy,

Also... Be open to the possibility that many of those who you will assume may have a negative reaction may surprise you...it is one thing to hear them espouse negative views on trans people when they don’t know one... if you... someone they like... comes out to them...it demands some amount of reassessment of their views on their part and you may come out with a better reaction than anticipated.. in such a manner... the world changes!

Onward brave girl... LIVE your life... LOVE Your Life... Damn the torpedoes...

Ashley 🙋‍♀️💕🌻
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: Rakel on March 31, 2019, 09:54:56 pm
As a mtf, how did you cope with potentially losing others who disapprove of <transgender> if you reveal yourself to them as a mtf?

Or have you decided that you cannot lose at least some of them, so you do not reveal to them that you are mtf because you know that they do not approve of <transgender>?

We must accept ourselves for what we are. If someone else cannot accept me for my true self, then that is their problem. Just forget them. There are so many other people in the world who are much nicer people.

Family is a special situation. Family is forever. We cannot forget family, so just be yourself and hope for the best. Sometime family will surprise you when you least expect it.
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: Laurie on March 31, 2019, 10:13:32 pm
   Coming out to those close to me was a difficult thing to do. But once I discovered just what was wrong with me for 64 years, of self hate, guilt, anger, goals achieved only to be lost, I had to transition into who I now knew I was. oming out to what few friends I had was not that difficult. Yes i lost a couple but not many. Family on the other hand was another matter. Of my three sisters I kept up with, one was already not talking to me and has disown me, One I thought I had a decent relationship with, doesn't accept me and though sad I can live with it. The sister I live with is supportive and happy for me. The one that was hardest for me is my daughter and son in law (fine christians btw) and my five grandchildren. I had talked it over with my therapist and thought I was prepared for whatever reaction I got. I was wrong. I told them and it did not go well. My daughter told me that she believed I had some unresolved issues that were the cause of all my problems in the past and now. She had a solution though! I could be "fixed"! All I had to do was turn my life over to god and he could fix me. They told me they needed some time to think about it and how it may affect our relationship. It was civil that night and I left in the morning. I have not seen them since. It became obvious they were not accepting when they engaged in character assassination on facebook. This has hurt me very much and brought back some old depression I had put away. Self hate and loathing returned from the dark where I had put them away. I began to plan my death. Depression is a horrible thing. I made my "Plan" and set a time frame. Spring of last year. Still months ahead...
  One doesn't live in a vacuum. My friends here on the forums noticed I was having problems. A couple I respect a lot urged me to tell my therapist how down I was feeling and to give an antidepressant a try if offered. It was and I did. Then it was a race to see which would happen first; a0 the antidepressant would start working and help me feel better or b) Spring would arrive and I would keep my date in a forest with my shotgun. Needless to say the pills won by about 2 weeks. it was close.
 Things got better. I found a girlfriend and things are pretty darnn good. I still grieve the loss of my daughter and grandchildren. It can really hurt if I think about them. I still take the antidepressant after increasing the dose 50% it has helped a little more. I fear not taking those pills. I know my depression can a likely will return if I do stop. I am not as strong as I thought I was.

Hugs,
  Laurie
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: Rakel on April 01, 2019, 04:59:41 am
   Coming out to those close to me was a difficult thing to do. But once I discovered just what was wrong with me for 64 years, of self hate, guilt, anger, goals achieved only to be lost, I had to transition into who I now knew I was... 

...I am not as strong as I thought I was.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Laurie,

You are a lot stronger than you know. You made it to 64 years.

I am a late transitioner as you are. We both have a previous life and all that goes with that history. If I had transitioned as a teenager, my life would be much simpler today. Life is full of "but, ifs". We made our decisions back then and there is no changing the consequences of those decisions. We just go on.

Sometimes others just expect too much from us. The time on earth that is left is ours. Live your life the way you want.
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: LizK on April 01, 2019, 05:31:32 am
I went with the attitude that I was going to lose someone, I didn't know who or when it would happen but I figured that at least one person was going to disapprove to the point where they would no longer want to have anything to do with me. Initially I thought I had managed to navigate may way through but here I am 4 years later having lost a brother and my parents. Would knowing that have stopped me from coming out...no. This was not something I had a choice in doing...well I suppose technically I did have a choice, I could have decided to transition or I could have decided to take my own life...so not really a choice.

How did I cope...I cried a lot, I spent many hours wallowing in self pity and I am now slowing going through the anger stage...eventually I will get to acceptance. It is a process that will take time...It changes nothing...I had to do what I had to do...living my life as a guy was slowly killing me.

I wish it hadn't gone the way it did but there is nothing I can do at this stage but to hope that some day they will realise what they did and just how wrong it was and try and make amends...I won't be holding my breath. I still have a wonderful life with plenty of hugely supportive and loving people in my life who give me joy every day and help me to appreciate my new and wonderful life.

Liz
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: sarahc on April 01, 2019, 06:47:18 am
Like other transition costs, I view losing friends as another cost of transition. This is particularly true for me as I’m intending to move and go stealth for the most part. In addition, I have a lot of strong friendships with college buddies (who don’t live in my town) that are unfortunately going to be sacrificed as part of this process.

Evaluating whether I was prepared to lose these friendships was something my therapist and I talked a lot about as part of making the decision to transition. I am going into transition expecting to lose everyone, but my therapist said in practice some people will stick with me.

This sucks - no getting around it. Honestly, for me this is the worst part of transition because I have a broad network of friends. But I’ve come to terms with losing it and have moved on emotionally.
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: CynthiaAnn on April 01, 2019, 07:37:53 am
As a mtf, how did you cope with potentially losing others who disapprove of <transgender> if you reveal yourself to them as a mtf?

Hi Chrissy, the decision to come out to people in our lives is certainly a personal one, every situation has it's own dynamics and variables. We can expect losses, but I think most people are educated enough today to realize it's not the end of the world, and do want to support you.

One story of coming out I will relate here that did involve a loss of a friend. I joined a band before I transitioned, it was a lot of fun playing cover tunes for weddings, corporate parties, festivals, etc, we were rockin' and making $$ playing music how cool was that...When I came out and announced to my band members I was transitioning to female, and changed my name, 2 of the band members (all guys) were just fine with me and supported me, they did not care one way or the other, we were a team. But the lead singer, while initially supportive, turned on me in the end. We gigged for over a year after I came out, however the working relationship worsened, and yes I believe my transition had much to do with it, it was not the music, that part was great. I eventually had to leave that band because the lead singer turned out to be a transphobe, and it was toxic to be around him. I joined another band shortly after leaving that one. The next band I joined I was my true self from the beginning and that turned out to be the best...That is how I coped, I made new friends and moved on.....

Best of luck to you Chrissy.

Cynthia -

Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: Lucca on April 01, 2019, 08:18:03 am
Considering I'm not out yet, my response may be more bold than actually ends up being practical, so take it with a grain of salt, but... honestly, no one who disapproves needs to be in my life, no matter what. I'm not inclined to waste time grovelling for others' approval. Much of my extended family are a bunch of regressive Christian dominionists, and I'm honestly looking forward to having an excuse to finally confront them about it instead of sitting in silence. If they're fine with it, great, if they're not, bye bye.

Dani said "you can't forget family" earlier. Frankly, yes, you can.
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: fleurgirl on April 01, 2019, 08:58:36 am

I cannot expect a male friend to treat me the same as a woman, that makes sense. 

Chrissy

More men have been accepting of me than women, actually.

While I've lost female friends, partly because a few of them had been interested in me, I haven't lost any guy friends. I guess I'm lucky in that regard, yet I had the same fears as you. I still have them.

My guy friends, mostly cis-het dudes, have been curious, respectful, and supportive.

Give people a chance. If they can't accept you for you, or if they're having trouble grasping it, that's okay. One day we're all going to be alone; basing our happiness on the validation of others only goes so far.

- Chantal
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on September 08, 2019, 07:05:23 pm
More men have been accepting of me than women, actually.

While I've lost female friends, partly because a few of them had been interested in me, I haven't lost any guy friends. I guess I'm lucky in that regard, yet I had the same fears as you. I still have them.

My guy friends, mostly cis-het dudes, have been curious, respectful, and supportive.

Give people a chance. If they can't accept you for you, or if they're having trouble grasping it, that's okay. One day we're all going to be alone; basing our happiness on the validation of others only goes so far.

- Chantal


That is interesting that men have been more accepting of you than women.  I wonder if that is typical.  Maybe others here will respond and we can see if there is a trend.

Chrissy
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: NatalieRene on September 08, 2019, 07:32:22 pm
Hey Chrissy,

Also... Be open to the possibility that many of those who you will assume may have a negative reaction may surprise you...it is one thing to hear them espouse negative views on trans people when they don’t know one... if you... someone they like... comes out to them...it demands some amount of reassessment of their views on their part and you may come out with a better reaction than anticipated.. in such a manner... the world changes!

Onward brave girl... LIVE your life... LOVE Your Life... Damn the torpedoes...

Ashley 🙋‍♀️💕🌻

Yes!! Damn the torpedoes full speed ahead.
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: Colleen_definitely on September 08, 2019, 07:39:57 pm
Did somebody say torpedoes?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZwEde5THqk

Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: krobinson103 on September 08, 2019, 08:03:22 pm
Its part of the price. I lost my sister, wife, and daughters but I have to be me. I'll pay any price for that.
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: Steehle on September 09, 2019, 01:17:03 am
I never intended on coming out again, but my wife confronted me and pulled me out of the closet. So I didn't have the chance to decide how I would cope with it, at least not with her. I told all my new friends without even considering the possibility that they would disapprove, but they're all within the BDSM community, one of them MtF, a couple of them non-binary. Almost too easy.

My parents supported me last time I came out, so that doesn't worry me (that I can't stand my ignorant mother is another thing, but she doesn't turn her back on me at least). My sister knows, she's lesbian and have worked with LGBTQ issues with the union, so that didn't worry me either. The rest of my relatives is on my "don't know, don't care" list. I have some of them on Facebook, they'll get to know when I make it public there, and I don't really care what they think or if they will disapprove. I don't have that much contact with relatives anyway, they don't add anything positive to my life. If they disapprove, there's the door, don't come back, I won't shed a tear.

My handful of old friends don't know yet, except for one of them who I bumped into in the BDSM community, lol. One of my old friends is already persona non grata after making transphobic statements, it hurt but it was still easy to just cut the cord. I can't be friends with anyone who doesn't share my basic values anyway. But the rest of them are all more or less involved within the feminist movement, so my odds are good there too. Otherwise they were never meant to be my friends.

Sent from my G8141 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: LaRae on September 09, 2019, 01:33:51 am
I tell myself that anyone's reaction, positive or negative, is the one I want, because it's the truth, & that's something I can't change.

One way or another, it's as it should be, & I will continue on.

Did somebody say torpedoes?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZwEde5THqk

OOOOOOHHH! MDMFK/KMFDM is my jam!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9-jJvTHnhI
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: stephaniec on September 09, 2019, 02:12:43 am
I lost a friend ,we use to be competitors in chasing girls
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: Devlyn on September 09, 2019, 02:32:19 am
"how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?"

Isn't this the reason we're born with middle fingers?  :laugh:
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: davina61 on September 09, 2019, 04:08:34 am
I found one of those as well!!! Well the only one so far that's been neg is the ex and TBH I was glad to leave. Now I have lots of new friends and have not lost any old ones.
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: Katie on September 09, 2019, 04:53:55 am
My experience taught me that those people that cared too much what other people though of them almost never transitioned. They simply spent years talking about it, made 1000s of excuses for why they could not transition, and quite often complained about how miserable they were.

On the other hand those that learned that what others thought of them was not important often were the ones that actually did transition.
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: sarahc on September 09, 2019, 06:24:33 am
My experience taught me that those people that cared too much what other people though of them almost never transitioned. They simply spent years talking about it, made 1000s of excuses for why they could not transition, and quite often complained about how miserable they were.

On the other hand those that learned that what others thought of them was not important often were the ones that actually did transition.

So true...I lived that journey. I think what was holding me back for decades was how my friends and family would judge me. Only once I accepted the idea that I wanted to transition irrespective of what others thought was I able to move forward. Now I still don’t like the idea of losing most of my friends, but I’ve come to terms with it. Insightful as always, Katie.

Sarah
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: Sephirah on September 09, 2019, 06:03:17 pm
Isn't this the reason we're born with middle fingers?  :laugh:

Lol, that made me giggle.

For me personally it basically comes down to one thing. I'd rather live my life than someone else's. That's the simplest way I can put it. I believed, and still believe, that when you try and be who someone else wants you to be... you're living the life they've created for you, instead of the life you've created for yourself. And no part of me could accept that. Or want that.

Disliking, or disapproving of something doesn't make it go away. It doesn't make it less real, or less true. It's like someone saying "I don't believe that patch of grass is green". However much you want to believe something, that doesn't make it true. And accepting, finally, that I knew how I felt better than people who don't, and will never know me as well as I know myself, was the first step in coping with it.

Their disapproval is their issue, not mine. And I can't change who I am because of how someone else may feel about it. I don't ask them to do the same.
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: Sonja on September 09, 2019, 06:26:26 pm
Lol, that made me giggle.

For me personally it basically comes down to one thing. I'd rather live my life than someone else's. That's the simplest way I can put it. I believed, and still believe, that when you try and be who someone else wants you to be... you're living the life they've created for you, instead of the life you've created for yourself. And no part of me could accept that. Or want that.

Disliking, or disapproving of something doesn't make it go away. It doesn't make it less real, or less true. It's like someone saying "I don't believe that patch of grass is green". However much you want to believe something, that doesn't make it true. And accepting, finally, that I knew how I felt better than people who don't, and will never know me as well as I know myself, was the first step in coping with it.

Their disapproval is their issue, not mine. And I can't change who I am because of how someone else may feel about it. I don't ask them to do the same.
This is so true, and after reading it over a few times I realized its also a great way to explain it to people who have a hard time grasping why - I will no doubt be using this when I come out to my family and friends.

Thank you Sephira,

Sonja.
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on September 09, 2019, 06:37:25 pm
"how did you cope with losing others who disapprove?"

Isn't this the reason we're born with middle fingers?  :laugh:


@Devlyn,

Two fingers to jab someone?   :laugh:

Well I try to always be kind and portray a good image despite hearing some words that make me cringe sometimes.

Chrissy
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: AllieSF on September 14, 2019, 05:33:35 pm
As said earlier on in this thread, I think that it really depends on each person's own specific circumstances.  Some actually could have it very easy if they just did it because they are single, have limited friends and have an accepting and supporting company to work for.  Others have a much harder decision because they have a lot more to lose by coming out, wife, children, close friends, employment and income and maybe even local public backlash if the person is well known and a public figure in their community.

So, what one person can do and does may not work for a lot of other people.  In my circumstance, I was single living alone, adult children, close friends who were trans and already understood and on my side, lived far from siblings and had a lot of casual acquaintances and friends who I could afford to lose if it came to that.

In the end, I am losing one neighbor who is also a friend (I think I am losing him since our relationship is much different from before coming out), and dealing with the partial loses of my daughter who refuses to let out her anger, pain and worries to me by keeping her head buried in the sand.  She is potentially my biggest loss, which I am having a hard time understanding when she is so much like me in many ways.

So Chrissy, while hearing other member's stories here, yours will be different in its own way and care should be taken in your approach, who you tell first, what is your planned dialogue (keep it short and simple and then wait and listen), where to tell, how to understand their reactions, what about work and so on.  If married and supporting a family then keeping gainful employment becomes a priority too, unless you can easily move top other work.  I hope all this works and wish you the best of luck when the time comes.

Allie

PS:  All those words and I didn't answer the title question!  Family is the hardest to lose for me, and I knew coming out that it may happen to me.  I deal with it, I get angry and want to yell at my 49 year old daughter to grow and talk to her Dad about this life changing moment for me, I wonder if she even loves me or likes me or just has taken advantage of my kindness all these years.  Others, I worry less because my professional life was moving everything every 2-3 years from one State to another and then from one county to another.  Therefore, I do not have many local close friends besides the casual ones I make at he coffee shop, neighbors and thos trans friends I have met since I first started all this in 2007.  I can lose casual friends and acquaintances.  I don't want to, but I have enough others to fill in the gaps if it ever happens, like my neighbor mentioned above.

Taking the step to come out can also be identified as the start of one's transition, because at that moment they are putting a lot on the line in order to live their lives as they need to.  A lot of thought and hard decisions weighing all the pros and cons specific to themselves need to be given to the priorities that one has identified for their path to living as they were meant to live, as themselves.

Title: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on December 07, 2019, 07:19:25 am
We just have to be ourselves.  Shrug the disapproval off, hard to do at times.

Chrissy
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: Katie on December 07, 2019, 10:28:46 am
What you loose is eclipsed by what you gain. Simple as that.
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: Rachel on December 07, 2019, 02:11:32 pm
I am so glad I transitioned. I wish I could go back in time and leave myself a letter.

I guess in the letter I would explain to myself that life would get so unbearable I would have to transition. I would try to transition light but it felt so normal and good that I would transition fully. I would try to not hurt others by hiding the truth but in the end it would come out so I could be me.

My ex wife and daughter chose to leave me. I am there for them now as I always was, although in a bit different packaging.

As time goes by I am choosing my path in womanhood. The wounds and losses are becoming distant and doing and finding new adventures is a lot of fun.  I am relearning how to have fun band make friends.

Transition is a transition on many levels. I have changed in many ways and I am continuing to change.

Best,
Rachel
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: Pammie on December 07, 2019, 05:16:03 pm
As others have said, benefits eclipse losses for so many of us. A few months b4 going full time I made two lists - one for family and one for friends and in each list marked who I was in danger of losing and who I thought would transition with me (as I thought of it) - my lists were pretty accurate, I haven’t lost any family (I hadn’t expected to either) though family has been a lot more challenging than I’d hoped. I’ve lost my best friend of 45 years but I was 95% sure that would happen
I continue to work at family but would offer one lesson that I wish I’d learned b4 transition - listen to their concerns after you tell them and be honest about your own plans. Maybe even adapt your own plans to help family cope
Good luck to all about to set off on the road - the results are likely to delight!!


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Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: Aurorasky on December 08, 2019, 09:57:24 am
You can't change people. When my parents were insististing on not accepting me, I immersed myself in volunteering, working part-time jobs to save Money, books, phone and friends. As for strangers and acquaintances in the street, can't really say, as no one ever asks me if I'm trans. When I see someone being snarky and mean regardless of their reason, I just smile and go back to living my life. I know many people are that way because they are unhappy themselves. One thing this process does teach is to grow a thick skin.
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with losing others who disapprove of <transgender>?
Post by: BrianaJ on December 08, 2019, 10:10:42 am
... I was always quite an independent person,  and never relied upon others for my own validation.

I can identify with that statement/thought.  I've always been that way and for me, it's generally been very helpful.  Yet, it's still very difficult at times. 
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: Sophiaprincess2019 on December 08, 2019, 05:00:53 pm
My thoughts/feelings about people leaving me due to my transition:

If you truly love me, you will never leave!

I give them something to think about:

" I didn't CHOOSE to be Transgender, this is something I started to understand about myself"

"Remember: you chose to leave me"

I could have chosen to not continue in life and I could have also chosen to leave this earth and wreck almost 1,000 people's lives in the process, but I didn't. I chose to live, as my authentic self, as I was meant to be.

Sooner or later they come around. If they choose to remain gone, that's their CHOICE, not mine. Either way they have to own the choices they make: if they are going to be in or out of my life, I cannot make those decisions for them. Everyone's an adult (in my world) they are capable of deciding.

I have better things to do than worry about who hates or loves me. I like a saying by Henry ford:

"Henry Ford — 'Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right."  ------- same goes for hate/love!

HUGS

Sophia


Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: Pammie on December 08, 2019, 05:04:06 pm
My thoughts/feelings about people leaving me due to my transition:

If you truly love me, you will never leave!

I give them something to think about:

" I didn't CHOOSE to be Transgender, this is something I started to understand about myself"

"Remember: you chose to leave me"

I could have chosen to not continue in life and I could have also chosen to leave this earth and wreck almost 1,000 people's lives in the process, but I didn't. I chose to live, as my authentic self, as I was meant to be.

Sooner or later they come around. If they choose to remain gone, that's their CHOICE, not mine. Either way they have to own the choices they make: if they are going to be in or out of my life, I cannot make those decisions for them. Everyone's an adult (in my world) they are capable of deciding.

I have better things to do than worry about who hates or loves me. I like a saying by Henry ford:

"Henry Ford — 'Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right."  ------- same goes for hate/love!

HUGS

Sophia
Yep, spot on! I see people falling by the wayside as a small price to pay for becoming my true self. I’ve lost my best friend but the fact I’ve lost him shows he wasn’t really my best friend, just my longest friend


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: Linde on December 08, 2019, 11:38:35 pm
What I thought would be my best friends, a pretty religious couple, but who never bothered me with their religious view, did it when I came out to them.  They told me that I seem to have a brain damage, and should go into an institution.  Because it could not be normal that a manly man as I was, would want to become a woman!  They did not know that all that manliness was nothing but a coverup, and that I was a woman all my life.
All my explanations did not help, oh well, now they used to be my frinds, I lost them, but gained many more new and real friends who do accept me!
Life goes on, there is no reason to look back!
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on December 09, 2019, 10:29:18 am
What I thought would be my best friends, a pretty religious couple, but who never bothered me with their religious view, did it when I came out to them.  They told me that I seem to have a brain damage, and should go into an institution.  Because it could not be normal that a manly man as I was, would want to become a woman!  They did not know that all that manliness was nothing but a coverup, and that I was a woman all my life.
All my explanations did not help, oh well, now they used to be my frinds, I lost them, but gained many more new and real friends who do accept me!
Life goes on, there is no reason to look back!

I am sorry that you lost your best friends Linde.

Chrissy
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: Linde on December 09, 2019, 10:36:50 am
I am sorry that you lost your best friends Linde.

Chrissy
Thank you Chrissy, one learns to cope with losses over time.  I have to admit that I still miss them, because we really were super close!
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on December 09, 2019, 10:39:25 am
Thank you Chrissy, one learns to cope with losses over time.  I have to admit that I still miss them, because we really were super close!

Perhaps you can try again someday to reach out to them.

Some people think that transsexuals have a mental defect, as this “weirds them out.”
All well.

Hugs,

Chrissy
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: Linde on December 09, 2019, 12:00:35 pm
Perhaps you can try again someday to reach out to them.

Some people think that transsexuals have a mental defect, as this “weirds them out.”
All well.

Hugs,

Chrissy
I am in very loose texting contact with the wife, he seems to be tougher, cause he "lost" a car working/talking buddy (so he feels), not realizing that I am still as much into that stuff, as I ever was!
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on December 09, 2019, 01:05:07 pm
I am in very loose texting contact with the wife, he seems to be tougher, cause he "lost" a car working/talking buddy (so he feels), not realizing that I am still as much into that stuff, as I ever was!

Maybe you can email him, call him, or text him some thoughts to start a conversation about cars and other things?

Chrissy
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: Linde on December 10, 2019, 12:10:31 am
Maybe you can email him, call him, or text him some thoughts to start a conversation about cars and other things?

Chrissy
I have to see if I can overcome my inner hurt/pride to initiate something.
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: roseyfox on December 10, 2019, 06:18:45 pm
Peeps dont have to understand to respect but when peeps disrespect me i am a no hold back kinda girl. I will get in your face and do not hold back even if it gets physical. An of course i don't go straight into attack. I dont care about pronouns i care about name. Like my one manager at work learned. I will tell you hey i perfer to be called by Rosa. He said ya will that not your legal name. After a ear full of screaming and a trip to hr with witness of the occurrence. He recieved a write up and told to call me by Rosa.

If it was family or randos. It wouldnt of just been a earful. :3
Title: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on February 15, 2020, 05:46:33 pm
Some days are easier to cope with hearing disapproving comments than other days.

It is particularly hard to hear them on some days without getting your spirits down.

 

Chrissy

Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: Jaymilynn on February 15, 2020, 10:02:18 pm
I have been of the opinion when I decided to come out and begin transition, all that matters was that I was happy and finally being true to myself. I have spent years trying to cover up and hide who I truly was. I knew I would lose family and friends when I finally decided to transition. I’m out in pretty much all aspects of my life. Few coworkers and a few family and a few friends is all I have left to come out to. I had my first negative response today. My aunt bluntly told me that I would be an ugly woman, I will lose all my friends, the majority of my family, my job and my wife. My wife has been my biggest supporter so far. She has told me that she worries that she will not be able to cope with the physical changes but she loves the emotional changes and the happiness I’ve expressed since I’ve came out. What really hurt today was my aunt saying first that I was going to be ugly. I’ve spent my whole late hating how I looked and dreaming of the day that I would finally have the beautiful outside that matches my inside. Second when she said flat out that my wife would never love me and never stay with me and would be gone, that hurt more than anything else she could have possibly said. My wife was sitting on the couch next to me when I was telling my aunt what was going on with me. Everyone of my wife’s friends and family she has spoken to about me has all told her the same thing. She needs to run away and leave me. I think, we’ll, I know that she loves me with all her heart and she is going to do everything to try and make things work and continue our lives together. My fear is everyone is going to talk her out of me. I’ve spent the last hour crying. I thought I was prepared to lose her. I am ok somewhat if she decides to leave me because she can’t handle the physical changes. I’m not ok if she leaves me because of everyone telling her to run. I just don’t understand why people can’t just accept me for who I am and accept the fact that she loves me and wants to make it work. I don’t understand why everyone is telling her to run. Why are they doing this?  I’ve been on cloud nine and now I just feel devastated. Why can’t people just let other people be happy?

Jaymi Lynn
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: Pammie on February 16, 2020, 02:38:54 am
I have been of the opinion when I decided to come out and begin transition, all that matters was that I was happy and finally being true to myself. I have spent years trying to cover up and hide who I truly was. I knew I would lose family and friends when I finally decided to transition. I’m out in pretty much all aspects of my life. Few coworkers and a few family and a few friends is all I have left to come out to. I had my first negative response today. My aunt bluntly told me that I would be an ugly woman, I will lose all my friends, the majority of my family, my job and my wife. My wife has been my biggest supporter so far. She has told me that she worries that she will not be able to cope with the physical changes but she loves the emotional changes and the happiness I’ve expressed since I’ve came out. What really hurt today was my aunt saying first that I was going to be ugly. I’ve spent my whole late hating how I looked and dreaming of the day that I would finally have the beautiful outside that matches my inside. Second when she said flat out that my wife would never love me and never stay with me and would be gone, that hurt more than anything else she could have possibly said. My wife was sitting on the couch next to me when I was telling my aunt what was going on with me. Everyone of my wife’s friends and family she has spoken to about me has all told her the same thing. She needs to run away and leave me. I think, we’ll, I know that she loves me with all her heart and she is going to do everything to try and make things work and continue our lives together. My fear is everyone is going to talk her out of me. I’ve spent the last hour crying. I thought I was prepared to lose her. I am ok somewhat if she decides to leave me because she can’t handle the physical changes. I’m not ok if she leaves me because of everyone telling her to run. I just don’t understand why people can’t just accept me for who I am and accept the fact that she loves me and wants to make it work. I don’t understand why everyone is telling her to run. Why are they doing this?  I’ve been on cloud nine and now I just feel devastated. Why can’t people just let other people be happy?

Jaymi Lynn
Sadly, this is a massive thing for people to take in in one go. It’s just human nature that people will handle it differently. Remember you have had years thinking about this whilst they have to process it in one minute.
I think it’s a massive challenge for your wife if you plan to fully transition as she never expected to become a de facto lesbian.
Some people will be initially supportive but then become anti on thinking it over, some will be initially anti but come round and others will be consistent with their initial views.
What I would suggest is that you probably should be certain this is important enough to you that you would be happier transitioning and losing your wife than staying as you are.
Good luck anyway! Xx


I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on February 16, 2020, 06:16:42 am
Some days are easier to cope with hearing disapproving comments than other days.

It is particularly hard to hear them on some days without getting your spirits down.

 

Chrissy

Chrissy, did someone say something to you?
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on February 16, 2020, 06:24:50 am
Chrissy, did someone say something to you?

I overheard some comments.  They were not said directly to me.

Chrissy
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: Oldandcreaky on February 16, 2020, 06:33:32 am
I overheard some comments.  They were not said directly to me.

Chrissy

Ah, I'm sorry that happened. You're always so kind. If only being kind made us immune to the unkind.
Title: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on February 16, 2020, 06:36:55 am
Ah, I'm sorry that happened. You're always so kind. If only being kind made us immune to the unkind.


That was a kind thing to say.  Thank you, and do have a nice day today.   :)

Chrissy
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: Jaymilynn on February 16, 2020, 07:13:57 am
Sadly, this is a massive thing for people to take in in one go. It’s just human nature that people will handle it differently. Remember you have had years thinking about this whilst they have to process it in one minute.
I think it’s a massive challenge for your wife if you plan to fully transition as she never expected to become a de facto lesbian.
Some people will be initially supportive but then become anti on thinking it over, some will be initially anti but come round and others will be consistent with their initial views.
What I would suggest is that you probably should be certain this is important enough to you that you would be happier transitioning and losing your wife than staying as you are.
Good luck anyway! Xx


I opened the door and the light shone in

I actually spoke to her last night on this exact thing. Transitioning has to happen. To me it’s isn’t a want. Like I said above I am prepared to lose her if it’s a decision she makes on her own and I will support her 100% and help her however I can. What I can’t deal with is if she leaves me because of outside pressure. Just because people don’t understand and keep telling her over and over again to run if that makes any sense.
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: Pammie on February 16, 2020, 07:31:18 am
I actually spoke to her last night on this exact thing. Transitioning has to happen. To me it’s isn’t a want. Like I said above I am prepared to lose her if it’s a decision she makes on her own and I will support her 100% and help her however I can. What I can’t deal with is if she leaves me because of outside pressure. Just because people don’t understand and keep telling her over and over again to run if that makes any sense.
It does make sense but it’s also human nature in action. Your wife will already be experiencing such a turmoil of emotions and hearing negative reaction from others will have an influence.



I opened the door and the light shone in
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: WishnHopeN on July 23, 2020, 11:02:52 pm
Cope?  Is that me coping?  I'm better off without them.  Is that coping?  Why would I waste my time with them? 
Title: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on November 29, 2020, 02:44:01 pm
Cope?  Is that me coping?  I'm better off without them.  Is that coping?  Why would I waste my time with them?

That is certainly one way of handling the situation!

Chrissy
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: noleen111 on December 02, 2020, 07:15:02 am
When I came out I was kinda disowned by my father, my mother followed her man. He passed a few months later

But after he passed, without acknowledging his daughter, my mother reached out and we reconnected. Now we have a very close mother and daughter relationship.

I was heart broken, but I had a very close female friend who was with me, She supported me 110%. She taught me the ways of a woman,, Along with how to apply makeup, walk in heels, what outfits fit me best etc. So that support helped me a lot and made me the woman I am today.  The only negative, I was kinda a social smoker when I came out and I used cigarettes as crutch and became hooked on them. I could not quit or maybe did not want to quit, once I was stable in my new life and did not need the crunch anymore.

That is habit I did manage to kick almost 2 years back, but I was a daily smoker for about 9 years. My mother and I reconnected about 2 years after my fathers disowning, so I smoked a lot longer than I needed. A health scare made me quit. I got a growth on my tonsil, nothing cancerous, but it was enough to scare me right.

People in the street, I really don't care what they think of me. Once I accepted, I was a woman and hormones was the right path for me, I did not worry about strangers thoughts over me life choice. Only parents reaction hurt me. I never had many friends, so no real loss there.

But womanhood has rewarded me with a good life, I have a  husband, a close group of friends, a closer relationship with my mother and the latest, my husband and I adopted a baby girl, so I get to be mother. (My favorite part, my wedding day is my 2nd favorite)
Title: Re: As a mtf, how did you cope with others who disapprove?
Post by: ChrissyRyan on February 15, 2021, 01:42:21 pm
When I came out I was kinda disowned by my father, my mother followed her man. He passed a few months later

But after he passed, without acknowledging his daughter, my mother reached out and we reconnected. Now we have a very close mother and daughter relationship.

I was heart broken, but I had a very close female friend who was with me, She supported me 110%. She taught me the ways of a woman,, Along with how to apply makeup, walk in heels, what outfits fit me best etc. So that support helped me a lot and made me the woman I am today.  The only negative, I was kinda a social smoker when I came out and I used cigarettes as crutch and became hooked on them. I could not quit or maybe did not want to quit, once I was stable in my new life and did not need the crunch anymore.

That is habit I did manage to kick almost 2 years back, but I was a daily smoker for about 9 years. My mother and I reconnected about 2 years after my fathers disowning, so I smoked a lot longer than I needed. A health scare made me quit. I got a growth on my tonsil, nothing cancerous, but it was enough to scare me right.

People in the street, I really don't care what they think of me. Once I accepted, I was a woman and hormones was the right path for me, I did not worry about strangers thoughts over me life choice. Only parents reaction hurt me. I never had many friends, so no real loss there.

But womanhood has rewarded me with a good life, I have a  husband, a close group of friends, a closer relationship with my mother and the latest, my husband and I adopted a baby girl, so I get to be mother. (My favorite part, my wedding day is my 2nd favorite)



Sorry you experienced a lack of acceptance, and it hurt a lot. 
It sounds like now things are much better, and I am very happy for you. 

How is it like to be a mom?

Chrissy


@noleen111