Eighteen months after stopping my transition, I've decided to make a new attempt.
My history.
I know there are a variety of transwomen here; some who felt trans since an early age, feeling great dysphoria, and some, like me, who lived a happy life as a man but had a shadow yearning for change.
Beginning around age 12, I acquired a small wardrobe and began to dress when I was alone in the house. Back in the '60s, there was no way to discover that I wasn't alone in my feelings, so I secretly dressed when I knew I wouldn't be discovered. I felt some degree of shame and worried about the embarrassment if my parents found out. Around the age of 14, I stopped altogether.
Fast forward many years and two marriages. During this time, I felt no dysphoria or a yearning to dress. I enjoyed my man parts and making love to women. However, my second marriage exploded three years ago when my wife told me that she hated sex and never wanted to have it again. I was fairly devastated and entered therapy. Around nine months in, Laura came out to her therapist. She was the first person I ever told. I was quite afraid of telling my therapist my story or my need to begin transitioning, but she was quite supportive.
Like many things I do, I went whole hog; acquiring a large wardrobe though visits to Kohls where I dared to try clothes on in the men's dressing room, starting twice weekly electrolysis sessions, visiting my doctor and coming clean so I could begin taking hormones, and hiring a consultant to teach me how to purchase and apply make-up.
I was mostly an in-house woman, being too shy and afraid to venture out. Being 64 at the time and clearly not passable, I feared being clocked, particularly by my neighbors. One time did I leave the house as Laura, driving myself to a trans support group meeting. I felt like this was a great step forward, but the group was quite small. My ongoing fear was how was this story going to end. Would I be a able to come out to my family and tennis friends? Would I be ostracized and abandoned by them? Could I ever be passable, even with FFS?
Several months into HRT, my nipples began their tell-tale sign that they were waking up. While this, at first, excited me, joy quickly turned into fear. How long could I get away with transitioning before being questioning about my growing girls?; What would people think of me when they discovered I was a transwoman? Would I, like many here, lose both family and friends? My need to become a woman was quickly overpowered by this paralyzing fear. In short order, I quit HRT and gave away all my clothes and supplies.
That was 18 months ago. During that time, I've dated two women, quite happily as a man, so I know Laura is a lesbian. Last week, Laura reappeared and I know she doesn't want to leave. She's ready to begin HRT and happy only to be a house woman, who will use a binder when the girls are too noticeable. Laura 2.0 won't be telling her family and friends. I don't have Alaskan Danielle's courage to pull up stakes and move 1000 miles away to start a new life; for one, she was passable when she moved. Being 66 now, I don't see myself ever being passable, although I do plan to pursue FFS once HRT has done some of its work. That may help, but Laura is terribly afraid of being ostracized at her tennis club. Being retired, I have tennis and flying that keep me moving forward. I don't want to end up being cast away by my friends.
Moving forward, I've assessed where I am and where I want to be. I've picked up 10 pounds in the last 18 months, so I've started a rigorous diet to knock those off. I've started acquiring a small wardrobe that will hold me over until the weight is gone. I plan on calling a transclinic Monday so I can restart HRT. And, I've come back here so that I can learn and be part of a great community.
I've been in a LTR with a woman for the past eight months, and while we've visited each other often, she doesn't know my secret. I know Laura must come out to her, though, and I plan that conversation in the very near future.
For now, I feel ready to try Version 2.0. The old fears are still there, but I feel it's better to move forward than backwards. A step back, when you going in the wrong direction, is really a step forward.
Laura
Those of us who transition don't always have the courage to do it all from the start. We take little steps up to the point of part time in public before going full time. For some, seeing it done and knowing nothing bad is going to happen to them results in changed plans that will take them even farther. I know you you only intend on going so far but be prepared to deal with things you don't currently think will happen. Already you thought you didn't need Laura any more but that turned out to be incorrect. Your still in the process of determining where you fit so be ready for the unexpected.
Thanks for replying Dena. It's hard keeping a secret in, particularly when it's part of your soul. I'm certain this path will have a variety of forks, and hard choices to make, but I've reached the point where I know I have to start moving forward.
I'm thankful that Susan's Place is here.
Laura
Tonight, I told my girlfriend about my being a transwoman. We had been dating for nine months and things were moving along well. The only other person I'd confessed my secret to was my therapist, and while she was very accepting, my girlfriend wasn't as understanding. I just have to remember that when you say, "No risk, No reward", there's also a risk that things will go badly.
Laura
Should it come up in the discussion with your girl friend, mention that she is getting full honesty before she considers a commitment. Often married couples have little secrets that they keep well in to their marriage and this can result in the failure of the marriage.
I do agree with you Dena.....I appreciate the support I find here.
Laura
A Step Forward; A Step Sideways
My girlfriend of nine months, whom I met on Match, is from China. I had thought she was local when I first wrote to her, but I quickly learned she had used the name of a nearby city where her sister lives, and where she had plans to visit shortly after our online connection. She's a bit conservative when it comes to sex and she doesn't have much knowledge about LGTBQ. During the past nine months, I've met her entire family, I've visited her twice and she's just returned to China from a visit here.
Having read many posts from spouses of transwomen, including the excellent blog "T" is for Trans https://tisfortrans.blog/2018/06/ (https://tisfortrans.blog/2018/06/), I knew I was facing an uphill battle when I came out to my girlfriend last night. As I feared, the conversation did not go well. This is not what she signed up for (my words, not hers). Our conversation concluded last night with her telling me that she need time to think.
Now, she and I, being 7K miles apart, have to juggle our video conferences during two times: the morning when I wake up and she's preparing for bed; and late afternoon my time when she's waking up. When we're not physically together, we've video conferenced twice a day. yesterday was different. While I felt afraid to confess to her on video, I also knew that while she speaks English well, she also benefits from seeing the written text so she can look up any words that are new to her. So, I confessed via text.
This morning when she woke up, my Sunday afternoon, we greeted each other as normal, but didn't connect via video. I can feel the doubt in her words and know this is troubling for her. I told her about my morning playing tennis, my excitement at having received a new dress from Amazon (Sunday delivery no less), and that I was wearing it now. While she asked for, and I sent her, a picture of me in the dress (with my wig, jewelry, and lipstick). I anxiously awaited her reply, which would tell me much about her feelings.
She eventually wrote that she preferred me in men's clothes, that she thinks I'm a "strong, sexy, and attractive man", and that "...if you change yourself as a woman, you will become neither glamorous nor feminine."
Oh, talk about being truthful. I know I'll never be passable. I know I may be limited to being a house transwoman. However, I also know this is a journey I need to take and I hoped she'd take with me. It's still too early to deliver a verdict. After all, she also said that "I'm very respectful of your personal hobbies", but being TS is neither a hobby, nor a fetish. it is who we are.
Laura
Hi Laura 🙋♀️ I'm glad you found your way back to Susan's Place. Sometimes we need to take a step back to see we are going forward.
Finding an even balance with significant others can be a challenge that depending on the dynamics can be found, or lost. Finding the balance with yourself is more important, but can be dependent on factors of a relationship.
I hope you find your balance and keep taking forward steps.
Hugs and smiles, Jessica
Northern California girl too!
Thank you Jessica. Having already been through therapy two years ago, I feel more comfortable jumping back into the water. Convincing my girlfriend to take the leap with me is another question. She needs time, understanding, and the freedom to ask unlimited questions.
For now, I feel comfortable in my new skin.
Laura
March Update
While my footer says I've been on HRT for eight months, it's actually been more like 4.5 months. After wearing a single patch and taking Spiro for six weeks, I got scared and stopped. Fortunately, I didn't purge my clothes like I had two years ago. In the ensuing three months, I probably started and stopped three times, each time getting scared of my slowly growing breasts. Around early November, I found myself needing to wear a camisole under my shirts when I played tennis.
then, I stopped HRT when I met a woman online, and while I told her that I was trans, she requested I stop HRT until she was ready for me to continue. That ordeal is chronicled in another post, "Another One Bites the Dust." In short, I've been back on HRT for six weeks now, currently applying two patches each week. I've made an appointment with Kaiser's transitions department and will meet with them next week to review my bloodwork and see if my hormones need adjusting. For now, my levels are: Estradiol-270 pg/m and Testosterone-23 ng/dL
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My boobs have waxed and waned over the past six months, slowly growing while on HRT and slowly deflating when off. Once I restarted HRT at the end of January, it took about 2 weeks for my breast buds to reinflate and I now feel them growing again. I'm at the point where I must wear a binder when playing tennis or exercising at the gym. Not a big deal because the binders I'm buying are fairly comfortable.
Size wise, I'm still under an A (although getting closer to an A as I write), and while I have sensations in my breasts, I don't feel the pain or discomfort that many here describe. Perhaps this is part of the YMMV, but I'll be asking my Kaiser doc a variety of questions next Wednesday.
My weight is now down to 159, and given that I'm 5'8", I'm working on losing another 10 pounds. I feel comfortable in my size 12 dresses and size 8 pants, but I feel more comfortable as I shed the extra weight.
oh, and I can't stop myself from buying clothes. LOL
Laura
Quote from: lauraelliott1951 on March 07, 2019, 09:43:57 PM
oh, and I can't stop myself from buying clothes. LOL
Laura
Hi Laura, just getting caught up on your post here. I love Kohls too, what a great store.
My heart sank when I read that part about your "friend" from China.
There are many things that happen as you transition that can't be anticipated, it's that variability that actually provides for opportunities for growth, and stepping outside of your comfort zone.
Onward and forward dear.
Hugs
Cynthia -
Laura - I found your story interesting for a few reasons. Some of them are actually about myself.
When I first began to transition I had very strong opinions about transitioning and non binary people and so on and so forth. I did believe there was a 'right' way to do this. I have evolved quite a bit although I am still pretty outspoken about living authentically.
I do believe that I will always hold my belief about being authentic - most importantly with yourself.
But the rest of the stuff and the 'kool aid' I drank believing stuff about NB or CD is no longer my belief.
My opinion (not that you asked for it) but I think you would be happiest if you decide what you truly want. There is no right or wrong decision if you want to be non binary and present differently at different times - great !! If you want to dress just at home - great !! If you want to transition -great !! It doesn't matter.
What does matter is do not live in fear. Don't make decisions based on what other people think. I did that most of my life. IT SUCKS. Be you. Live your life. Don't live in fear. Life is too short.
And tell your girlfriend. IMO I think our SOs deserve to know who they love. The longer you put if off the harder it will be. If you don't feel close enough to tell her then that defines the closeness of the relationship. IN MY OPINION. Others may strongly disagree. I am just giving you food for thought.
Thank you Cynthia and Kim for writing.
this has been a very interesting journey, and I'm feel fairly comfortable with all the changes that are happening to me. My larger conflict from late November until late January was trying to get my ex-girlfriend to accept me for who I am. I had told her from the beginning, and had hoped she would accept me. Little did I know that she wanted no part of the trans Laura, and wanted me to return to my male self full time. this is where the relationship broke and I restarted HRT. Currently, we're friends, as we enjoy each other's company, but I'll never change who I know I am for who she expects me to be.
My visit with Kaiser went well, but my doctor was a bit concerned with my 270 estrogen level, so she asked me to retest. the new level came back at 189, which made her feel better. I do wish I knew the best levels that would produce the best results, but for now I'm trusting my doctor's guidance because she deals exclusively with trans patients.
Now, about deciding who I want to be. In the best of all possible worlds, I'd go full time, mostly after having FFS. I have many fears, as I know many transwomen have, about rejection and not passing. I don't have the nerve to say "just screw it" and go full time while not passing. However, I do want to have FFS in a year or so, after HRT has made a variety of changes to my body. In the meantime, I'm fully in the closet, dressing only at home. I do yearn to find a small cohort of accepting friends so that I can dress in public, preferably in another town.
For now, I just can't stop touching my growing breasts. LOL.
Laura
Quote from: lauraelliott1951 on March 20, 2019, 10:51:21 PM
but I'll never change who I know I am for who she expects me to be.
I do yearn to find a small cohort of accepting friends so that I can dress in public, preferably in another town.
Laura
Good Morning Laura, you can't be something you're not for others, i am glad to see you putting yourself first in this case with the relationship.
I see you are in Nor Cal, if you ever find yourself heading up north to the Seattle area, let's go shopping at Kohl's :)
Hug sis
C -
Regarding FFS and going full time. Tough subject. As always I will be 100% honest. My initial plan was to do FFS before transitioning for the exact same reasons. I told my therapist this early in my sessions. She said 'you may want to rethink that'.
I was shocked - it was my PLAN. I asked why and she said that she works with a lot of trans clients (about 50 ) and that the ones that have wanted to pass to relieve their fears ended up creating other issues for themselves. Her opinion was that the ones that learned to live as not passing and accept themselves usually did much better when having FFS later on. The reason being that they were not having FFS to pass instead they were having FFS so their face matched their mind and identity.
I ended up not having FFS - it was very hard I am not going to lie. And I still kind of wish I had it. A large sum of money I expected did not materialize and health issues that could be dealt with by having FFS in a hospital but that would increase the cost.
For me I am mostly glad it worked out this way. I learned how to be OK being openly trans. Definitely the tougher road but I do feel more comfortable in that I have nothing to hide. I still want a nose job though. :D
This is not for everyone - just telling my story for possible insight for others.